Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values

Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?

Part XXIX…

The Great Hall and Throne Room of the Redder Keep, King's Landing…

"So let me understand this…" King Robert, sighing and shifting his huge bulk as he sat on the Iron Throne…Eyeing the group before him…An angry Wednesday Addams, practically a healthy pink with anger, her concerned, if rather amused, father beside her, a peevish Arya Stark…How come I gotta be stuck here, I was all for letting the kid be skewered…And I'm still not payin' him…A furious Sansa…And that little sniveling shite, Joffwhatever, looking nervous, hapless, annoyed by turns…

You'd sigh too if you had to sit on the Iron Toilet here for more than thirty seconds, Robert eyes us.

Joffrey trying to avoid his parents' mutually baleful gaze…Godsdamn the Stark bitch for keeping this up…Wednesday's furious at me. Still, gotta maintain my right to oppress and torment at will…Stand for my monarchial divine right privileges and all.

Though if it would impress her I could abjectly debase myself and beg forgiveness…

Queen Cersei beside Robert, looking annoyed.

We were ummn…Sleeping…In, this morning. And now this has to happen?

"…some peasant kid was fighting Lady Arya here? In fun…?" the King, shaking head.

Though it might have been a neat thing to see, really… I ought to get more ladies into the Knight game…Gods, it's better than mudwrestling when they really get into the gore…

"Arya hired him to practice with her…Your Grace…" Wednesday insisted. Arya rolling her eyes…

Well, your dad's paying that little nobody…Not me…

"Joff was defending her." Sansa cut in. "The worthless peasant deserved whatever he might have got if Wednesday hadn't distracted the Prince from his valiant display."

"With sword…Against…A stick? Am I getting that right?" Robert, grimly. Stern look around.

"That's all he had, the kid." Wednesday, stoutly. "And Joffrey tried to kill him."

"Wound…Maim…Cripple for life…I wouldn't have killed him, he wouldn't have been able to spread the news of my valor." Joffrey spoke up.

"And what happened to this kid who fought off a supposedly well-trained swordsguy with a stick?" Robert, grimly quiet. "Given I could use a kid like that in my guard..."

"Father?" Joffrey, anxiously.

"Quiet, you…" Cersei, frowning. Much to Joffrey's stunned surprise, he expecting at least some furious support from that sector.

Maybe there was a time when I'd've charged to your defense against Daddy, kiddo…But you're cuttin' into Mummy and Daddy's happy time now. Besides, Bob's right…You ought to at least be able to take a kid with a stick, you wuss, she frowned.

"…the King is deliberating." She finished.

"So? The kid? Gomez?" Robert turned to him.

"The boy ran off. I understand Prince Joff sent his guard after him…" Gomez noted.

"He'll deal with the peasant…" Joffrey nodded.

"Oh, great…That'll set us up with the people." Cersei frowned. "Sorry to interrupt, Bob…Please…" she waved.

"The Queen is quite right." Robert nodded, to her beam. Oh, Bobbie… "Have the Airedale or whatever they call him, recalled. The boy is pardoned. Hell, enroll him in the guard if he's still anywhere about."

"Father…" Joffrey whined. "He assaulted me…"

"Oh, quit whining…" Cersei glared. "Your father has spoken. Be glad there's no mob of aggrieved peasants at the gates demanding your head."

"Thanks, your Majesty." Wednesday beamed.

Uh…Joffrey considered.

"Perhaps I was mistaken…If I was wrong in thinking the Lady Arya was in danger, I apologize of course. I hope you'll accept such, my Lady." He turned to Wednesday, with doggish pleading look. She frowned back.

"It's the kid you need to apologize to…" she noted.

"Well, lets not get crazy, sweetie…" Robert eyed her. "This is the medieval era and nobility can only bend so far to these people. But he's pardoned and we'll try to say no more about it except to have it bandied about just how miserable a shite the supposed heir is."

"This is unfair. Prince Joffrey has been cruelly wronged!" Sansa cried. Pausing as Joffrey glared now at her…

Will you go somewhere and die, already? Sigh…

"Thanks to my lady Sansa, but I accept that I was wrong. My apologies again, my lady Wednesday." Beam to Wednesday. "Thank you for showing me the profound error of my ways, good my Lady. I shall forever look to you to guide me in properly dealing with my future subjects…"

Yes…A little flattery and a little in for future "consultations" with the sure to be frustrated future wife of the poofiest knight in the realm next to his own boyfriend Rently.

"Our lil' punk's smoother than I thought…" Robert hissed to Cersei.

What is with young Lannister there, Gomez, standing by Wednesday, relieved, wondered…Catching Jamie's glare at him.

I suppose it could have something to do with the news from the Eerie Eryie from Morty…Or, maybe the whispered rumors about him and Cersei are true and he's just upset for his son…er nephew?

Or, most likely it's that freeze on pay raises for the Guard and staff I just imposed while raising taxes on the 1%. A double whack like that is sure to raise a few hackles among our more privileged elite.

"However, there is still the matter of the heir to the realm having been made to look even more like a worthless wuss than usual…" Robert sighed.

Oh, no biggie, Bob…Cersei eyed him. Joff makes a bigger fool of himself all on his own…

Incident dealt with, problem solved…Lets return to our bedroom and finish that morning in and leave the crap to your wonderfully effective new Hand...Best decision you ever made as King besides marrying and not later having me killed. Beam to said wonderfully effective new Hand about to free the King from more worrisome cares that might chain him to the Iron Misery for another few hours else.

Sorry…Gotta do the kingly thing just a bit longer here, sweets, his look back…Robert sighing.

But, for once…Really can't wait to get the hell outta here and back to our bedroom.

"I'm afraid some punishment must be meted out…And since I pardoned the boy…Given the usual penalty for peasants is some version of gruesome torture and obscene death and the kid sounds far too worthwhile to throw away like that…I'm afraid…" he eyed Arya, then Wednesday…

"Here is the Airedale, sire…" Ser Barton announced from his guard position at the end of the great hall.

The Airedale, rather road-worn, striding slowly down the long corridor to kneel before the Throne…

"Well?" Robert frowned at him. "Speak, whatever breed you are. What of the peasant boy?"

Funny king, yeah…Grimace. "He ran…Not far…" the Airedale lied, shrugging. Having seen boy and family, including ailing mother and baby, now provided with doctor and wet nurse, off on a river barge to safety.

Hell, everyone assumes I'm an amoral mercenary anyway…Killing at random on that psycho's command…

"You killed him?!" Wednesday gasped.

Gomez eyeing her…

My little girl has developed a heart? Normally she'd be all… "Cool, can I see his guts?"

"Cool…Can I see the corpse?" Arya, eagerly. "How'd you do it? A wicked thrust in the guts?"

"Oh, no…" Cersei rolled eyes. "Just what we needed." To Robert, who put hand to forehead.

"I've already buried him…In a secret corner of the forest I couldn't find again if my life depends on it." The Airedale noted.

"Lets just say…Your life depends on no one finding it." Robert frowned. "Well, since you were acting under orders, I can't fault you…Much…Unless the people find out and threaten revolt, in which case I'll hand you over to them." He waved the Airedale off.

"Idiot boy…" Cersei glared at Joffrey. "See the trouble you've caused Daddy and Mummy.

"But Mother…" he blinked… "In the past, you've always said I shouldn't hesitate to kill or have killed anyone who I think threatens me, even if Father opposes it."

"I meant threatens the kingdom, idiot. And only for your father's safety, which is forever paramount in my concern. Mother still loves you, honey but you've endangered the realm with your psychotic actions…Bob, after due consideration…I think it's time for plan T, heirwise." She looked at Robert.

"Tommen?!" Joffrey stared, looking from parent to parent. "But…I'm the eldest, the true heir. If you dare cut me out!…" he raged.

"You'll…Do…What?" Robert, coldly glaring…

Uh…Shrinking back then wilting…

Oh, this could be good…The crowd of courtiers, attendants, knights, eagerly eyeing the proceedings…

"It's illegal…" he whined.

"What the King commands as to the succession is legal, you idiot." Cersei glared. "Tommen is a sweet boy, he'd make a fine figurehead king with a good power behind the Throne like me and your grandfather to guide his every move. Well, your grandfather as I now plan to die with your father, even if I have to stab or poison myself… and maybe some nice young Queen to help build his confidence and make him happy and a shining example of a good family man to the kingdom"

"Sounds fine to me. Tommen it is, then." Robert nodded. "Make it so…"

"But…But…" Joffrey sputtered.

"Whine, whine, whine…For Heavens' sake, be unselfishly glad a more or less worthy figure will ascend your country's throne rather than you and offer fealty to your brother." Cersei glared. "Else Mummy and the only affection you'll ever receive go bye-bye…"

"This is outrageous!" Sansa raged. "Prince Joffrey is rightful heir! You put him out of the succession and the Starks…"

"A Stark…" Arya corrected… "Without any forces to back her up…Cause none of the rest of us could give a flying f- about Joff except maybe to want to join up against him."

Glare "…Will stand by Joffrey in civil war…" Sansa concluded. "And, even if he loses and faces the grimmest exile, I shall stand by him, forever…"

Is there insanity in the Starks? Robert hissed to Cersei. Maybe an Addams got in the woodpile sometime? She shrugged…

"Are you threatening me…And via your girlfriend, you wuss…Boy?" Robert rose.

On the other hand, thanks to gods for getting me outta that damned hemorrhoids machine.

Oh, Gods…Joffrey sighed. "No, Father…Not at all, never…I was just sayin' it would be against the unwritten constitution and a few laws…Uh…"

"Constitution?!" Robert, Cersei in chorus.

Hmmn…The rest of the assembly considered…

"This is my fault for giving him tutoring in Valerian history. That it was once a Republic." Cersei sighed.

"See, Prince Joffrey stands for law and constitution, freedom, human rights!" Sansa cheered.

"Uh, Lady Sansa speaks too much with her heart, your Graces…" Joffrey tried. "I never…"

"You'd dare to oppose me?" Robert stood, balefully glaring. "And while for once I am slightly nonplused by your insane display of a few guts, this crazy radical talk of rights and constitutions shall force me to take action I really won't regret that much, except that it would hurt your mom."

"No, Father…" whimper… "Godsdamn you, girl!…Are you trying to get me killed?!" Joffrey fumed at Sansa who gave him a devoted look.

Hey, if that would do it…Several knights, officials, servants, a Lord or two eyed Joffrey…I'll pledge my sword to the Prince's doomed cause right now and seek immediate pardon the minute the bastard buys it.

"I pledge total fealty to Tommen, Father…Mom? Please!" Joffrey, kneeling and groveling… "As does Lady Sansa…" he looked up to eye the hesitating Sansa…

If all that insane crap about adoring me is real…

"I pledge also…Your Graces." Sansa sighed, kneeling… "I apologize for speaking with such warmth, only my love for the Prince drove me. Condemn me, not him for these angry words."

Yes, yes…Her…Her, not me. Joffrey, eager stare.

"Total fealty as in…If Tommen so much as catches cold, you die. Regardless of whether I'm still around or croaked, boy. I declare that an official addendum to the Law of Succession. Scribes?" Robert looked over to the rather exhausted scribes busily writing down the minutes, several decrees, laws, and letters home for various knights and attendants. Yes, sire…Nods.

"Certainly, anything you say, Father." Joffrey nodded.

"Just remember. Tommen ill, 'disappeared', severely wounded, dead…Open season on Joffrey. And I've no doubt that there'll be no shortage of eager candidates for the hunt. Got it, boy?"

What your father says, sweetheart…Cersei's stern glare to Joffrey's fugitive pleading look. Don't be looking for support in this corner.

"Absolutely, Father…I'll be Tommen's staunchest friend and supporter. Royal uncle and protector to his children…"

"Right, another addendum…Anything happens to my grandkids via Tommen…The same open hunting on Joffrey." Robert nodded, resuming seat. "I read history, too, boy. No way does 'Uncle Joff' bump off any nephews or nieces to clear his way…"

Dang…So much for time-honored tradition in monarchial politics…Joffrey sighed.

Great idea, Bobbie…Cersei hissed, patting fondly.

"But…Father…" Joffrey blanched. "This is the medieval era. Kids, even royal ones, croak like flies from disease, war, etc, etc."

"Then I suggest you patronize the medical arts, boy. Focus on childhood infectious disease…Maybe become a Maester yourself and lead the way to a new era." Robert, coldly. "You'll have the time, now."

"I'll enroll at the Citadel tomorrow, dearest." Sansa, hastily to Joffrey. "Pediatrics and you will be my twin obsessions in life."

Dear Gods…We're…Free?…The bulk of the assembly eyed each other.

No more dread of the day Robert croaks and the crazy bastard…Not sayin' anything but Gods…Come on, everyone knows…Would come to power?

Spontaneous applause…Joffrey looking round…Trying to seem pleased, finally joining in …Uh…

"Yes, three cheers for Prince Tommen, our new heir…" he tried to sound enthused.

"HURRAH!" the crowd cheered, Robert and Cersei benignly nodding.

Gods, for once I actually managed to win applause? Joffrey stared. Sansa, fuming, but trying to maintain poise.

"All right by you, Lord Hand?" Robert to Gomez, still nodding to the cheers and applause.

"Well…Your Grace." Gomez hesitated. "Tis your right to choose the heir…But tis also common custom…"

"Damned stupid custom…" Cersei shook head. "We're correcting a hideously flawed tradition and preventing a maniac…But Mummie does love you, still, Joff…From reaching the throne. That's an old Valerian tradition…If the heir's a crum-bum, let some tough soldier fight it out for Emperor and prove himself or herself worthy, crushing the feeble wuss and killing or mutilating him into a monastery. Joffrey's getting off easy here."

"What the missus says…" Robert, grinning to her fond smile. "Lets go with my great reform on this one, my Lord. Now, is there any shite left that only the King can deal with? Else We shall leave it all in the capable hands of the Hand. Nothing? Well…"

Cerse? Jamie caught her eye…

Tyrion? Our brother…Captive…Our house dishonored?

Gods, a week or so ago, you'd've been raging so, regardless of how you hate Tyr, Bob might have slapped you one.

"Is there anything? Or can I finally get to some hemorrhoid cream…And you?" Robert turned to Cersei, who coyly beamed.

Bobbie…

"Oh, there was some nonsense about Lady Addams…Morticia…And her crazy sister…Arresting and charging Tyrion with murder of Lord Arryn and the attempt on the Addams and Stark kids. My dad's up in arms…Literally…About it, but nothing to keep us longer." Cersei shrugged. "Jamie? No fighting Lord Gomez…He'll straighten things out with his wife and have Tyrion released or provide evidence of the facts as to guilt, I've as complete faith in him as the King does. Shall we, my love?" she rose and offered Robert her hand.

"You can sort that out, Gomez?" Robert looked over. "I mean if it's a cesspit, leave it to me when I have to come back tonight but you have full authority. Just try to avoid a civil war, right?"

"Your Grace…" Gomez bowed.

"Ok, everyone…Dismissed, thank the gods!" Robert called. "See you all at dinner…!"

"Dinner will at eight tonight…The King needs his rest." Cersei called, looking back as the royal couple moved to the hastily lain departure carpet…

"I guess we should call Tommen in and let him know he's up, eh?" Robert noted to her as they strolled out, most of the courtiers following…

"Later…Plenty of time…" Cersei shrugged. "Joffrey! That new law is in effect right now, you know!" she called back.

"What your mother says!" Robert agreed as they left through the great doors.

Lord Addams looking round…A pleased Wednesday by his side.

"Well, lets have the Large Council meet in its chamber…" he addressed the various remaining courtiers and attendants. "Wednesday…" he turned to her beaming face. "Well and nobly done but don't get a swelled head over this first political success. You don't always topple a potential Nero on your first try. But I'm pleased you stood up for what's right despite the insane odds…That's the Addams way." He patted her.

"Indeed, Lady Wednesday was so impressive, my Lord…" Joffrey, eagerly.

"Thanks." Wednesday…Throwing a bone in repressing the urge to say "whoever you are".

Sansa, furiously glaring now…

That bitch…She destroys him, now she makes nicey-nice to him…OH, she wanted him all the time, I knew it…Ser Lotus, right…

"Tough luck, kid…" Arya, not bothering to repressing giggle… "I only wish I'd had a sketch of that kid poking you in the guts."

Exeunt all but Joffrey…And Sansa…

"Wednesday thanked me…" he beamed. "You heard her, didn't you?…You destroyer of my life and hopes for power…" he eyed Sansa.

"She only wanted to humiliate you further, darling. Joff…" she gave anxious look. "You know whatever happens I'm still your girl. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back where you belong."

"What? Why…?" he stared.

"I love you." She shook her head. "And Love means never having to ask your lover to scheme and kill for you."

"You…You can't help me." He sneered. "You wouldn't last an hour playing the Game…"

"Joff…You don't know what Sansa Stark is capable of…

Why…" she strode the chamber to his stunned regard…Pausing, center chamber…

"I can smile…And murder whilst I smile.

And cry content to that which grieves my heart.

And wet my cheeks with artificial tears,

And frame my face to all occasions.

I'll drown more sailors than the mermaid shall;

I'll slay more gazers than the basilisk;

I'll play the orator as well as Nestor and better than Puerile,

Deceive more slily than Ulysses or Middlefinger could,

And, like a Sinon or a Tywin Lannister, take another Troy.

I can add colors to the chameleon,

Change shapes with Proteus or a Faceless for advantages,

And set the murderous Machiavel or Verysmuch to school!

Can I do this, and cannot get my honey his crown?

Tut, were it farther off, I'll pluck it down."

"Seriously?" Joffrey stared at the eager Sansa… "For me?"

"My parents' meaningless deaths have shown me what this world's about. Power. And faithful love between two devoted partners to make all that bearable. And I've got no one else to live for. Put your trust in me, my love…" she beamed.

Well, no other options…What the hell? Joffrey thought.