Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XL…
Kings' Landing…Fleas' Butt District, courtyard of the Royal Armory…
Swell place for a good skirmish, Joad Tom noted to himself, looking carefully round said courtyard, as Lord Gomez laced up his bag of testing equipment. The lined apprentices and Master Fagin waiting to offer reluctant good-byes and fervent good wishes.
Very fervent, considering the new revenue sources and the mantle of royal protection just bestowed upon them…
Pity about poor Gentley though…No match for Bob…Still, Gomez reflected, Bob's clearly fond of the kid and with his talents he's sure to go far with a decent chance. And no need to quite crush those royal dreams just yet.
Besides, he does bear the Barfthreon stamp on his features…It's just barely possible Rently or more likely, Stanislaw, did a bit of fooling around in the capital to cause Cersei some grief or just while on the town, visiting court…
He did mention that rather zealous new high priestess of that rather fringey new faith Stanislaw seems to be taking up with a laudable degree of enthusiasm crossing over to raging fanaticism, given all those burnings, having stopped by to inspect him a few weeks back while in the capital being questioned by the Lord Hand and Maester Purile on Bob's orders, or at least with his vague approval, as to the tenants of this radical new faith. Perhaps ole Stan had commissioned her to check on his boy?
"My Lord…!" Little Clarice in the farther row cried, pointing as a horse-mounted, well-armed and armored troop of men entered the courtyard, one bearing the red and gold Lannister banner, another the unmistakable look and bearing of the famed Kingslayer…Even with helmet on, causing rapturous looks from much of the crowd gathering at the sight…Male as well as female.
Me dream idol…Clarice breathed, as he removed helmet, blonde locks gleaming in the sun. Though if it be trouble for me new employer he's about, he's dead at me deceptively gentle hands. Joad taking defensive stance.
"My Lord Hand…!" he called to Gomez who turned to see the troop performing a few horseback feats for the watching children and crowd, to general, if somewhat concerned at the sudden display of military force, applause.
No need not to put on a show for the kiddies so long as we're here and in full dress, Jamie having noted beforehand to his pleased men, eager to strut their stuff for the rather more sophisticated folk of the capital who could appreciate the finer points of knightly skill.
Thing's hand now emerging from its saddle bag on the opposite side of the horse from Gomez, tiny sword gallantly in hand.
"Lord Addams…" Jamie, pulling up.
"Captain Ser Lannister…Always a pleasure. Nice stunt riding by the way…" Gomez noted.
"We'd do best…" Jamie, pausing for attendant to kneel at his side…Difficult to do in full armor, you know, he apologetically explained to Gomez…Then using the armored, slightly groaning attendant as a footstool to climb off his horse… "To let these people take their leave to safety before we begin our affair."
"Jamie…Pretty as you are…" Gomez shook head. As Joad and Lannister stared. "I'm afraid…"
"I believe the Kingslayer means to do battle here, with us, my Lord Hand. Which, in case the so-called Captain of the King's Guard doesn't know, is treason of the next to highest." Joad noted, frowning at Jaime who was still blinking over Gomez' misinterreptation.
Do people really think…? He stared. Well…
F- 'em all. I'm tired of trying to explain myself. As Dad always says, I'm no good at it anyway.
"Your toady Ser Tom here…" Hey, if I can take this implied pretty boy thing, you can bear a bit, bucko…Leer to the fuming Joad Tom. "Is right, my Lord Addams. I'm here to challenge you over the imprisonment of my little brother, Tyrion, and the insult to our House Lannister. As you know we Lannisters always repay our debts…And I figured you'd prefer to pay rather than have your Missus do so."
Just so long as it isn't Lady Maud…I couldn't bear Dad's face if I lost to her.
"I see…" Gomez nodded. "Well, I appreciate that you wish to defend both a close relation…Especially one as witty and charming as our Imp…And your House's honor, Jaime. But, as Ser Joad noted just now, it is a matter of high treason to challenge the Hand of the King…Not really the sort of example the Captain of the Guard should set, son."
"Suppose…For the sake of mutual honor…We set aside our current political rankings and deal with this as a private matter, my Lord?" Jamie urged. "I know you for a man of profound honor and somewhat crazed vengeance-seeking when provoked."
"I do have that rep, I can't deny it." Addams nodded. "My Corsican blood always wins out in such matters."
"Well, as one gentleman lord to another…" Jaime eyed him. "En guard!" he raised sword, waving his men to keep back.
"Lets keep this clean and simple, Ser…" he waved off Ser Joad with sword. "I already know your weakness regarding eye defense. Lord Addams? Can we keep this between us or must I cleave your friend here?"
"Well, Jamie…As Lord Hand I must uphold the law and order of the realm…Though as a son of the House Addams…I find it hard to resist a good mano-e-mano splatterfest. And it would be better not to let this become a blood-soaked slaughter of innocents. Perhaps, for the best interests of the kingdom…"
A sudden slashing and swirl of cloak and sword as two masked, if rather short, figures jumped down from the upper balcony of the courtyard…To confront a puzzled Jamie and his men. And an equally astounded Gomez and Joad Tom.
"Zounds! Cease and desist, ye miscreants!" the high-pitched, if desperately lowered to conceal, but unmistable voice of Wednesday Addams. "The masked avengers demand you put up your swords, traitors!" swish of her small sword in rather elegant Bravvosian style.
Nice…Jamie nodded, pleasantly impressed. A bit cutie water dance style, but nice…I see that famed visiting Bravvosian artist of the sword has been taking more pupils.
Kinda wish I'd some time to take a class or two with the Butcher myself…
"Yea verily…What my avenger partner said!" the voice of Arya Stark, likewise desperately concealed, from her masked features.
"Wednesday? Sweetheart, what the dickens?" Gomez addressed the somewhat annoyed petit figure in cloak and mask standing before a rather tickled Jamie.
What a sweetie…Sigh. Naturally a reminder of all I lost taking those damned vows for the sake of our House and Dad.
"Lord Addams, you are mistaken!" Wednesday's cry. "We are the Sisterhood of the Masked and therefore Unfaced Avengers, here to protect you from the evil machinations of the Kingslayer." Swish of sword.
"Dear…I want you and Lady Stark to leave at once before you get hurt." Gomez, sternly.
"Stand down…" Jamie told his men. "This is just too cute to bear." He smiled.
"There be no cute here, Kingslayer!" Arya, grimly waving sword. "Taste our steel if you dare!" Elegant swish…
"And should that not be enough for you, Kingslayer…" a new, male voice…As a third figure, in armor, likewise masked, dropped by Wednesday's spot.
"Add my sword to the pile." The barely disguised voice of Ser Lotus… "Indeed, no cuties here, sirah."
That's my fiancée there…Wednesday beaming behind mask.
"Ser Lotus?" Jamie stared. "Now that does make it interesting…"
"Oh, really?" Arya, annoyed. "You sexist dog…Have at thee!" she pointed sword. Wednesday taking stance…
"Well, if we must…" Gomez sighed as Jamie's men drew swords. "Just try not to be killed, Wednesday…Your mama would be very annoyed with me." He and Joad drawing...Joining the circle of Lotus, Wednesday, and Arya…Surrounded by Jaime and his men.
"Leave them to me…" Jamie waved off his knights who happily backed off...
Everyone knows Addams is a maniac when aroused and Ser Lotus is the most skilled sword besides our Captain in the kingdom…And heck, those two masked whatever look like they know how to hold a sword.
I mean Kingsguards are a major investment in training and equipment, not to be tossed away at a Captain's peeved whim. It's for the kingdom's greater good that we save our butts.
"Jamie! Lord Addams!" Cersei's anxious and insistent voice, her queen's regal enclosed sedan chair and the attendants bearing it visible now round a corner. Her head, with crown a bit askew, poking from the curtains…
Shit…Jamie, sighing…As all looked over…
Always the way…She always manages to ruin my day. Even when we still fucked, I had to spend the time listening to her morose and somewhat perverse, given the sit, guilty moonings about "poor" Bob. "Won't he ever love me, Jamie?" "Oh, how can I be doing this to him, Jamie?" A bit tiresome, I can tell you.
Why couldn't I actually have been born gay? Incest with Tyrion'd be trouble-free and a heck of a lot more entertaining, I'm sure. Plus I actually do love the little sob.
No, Mother…He mentally prayed to Johanna's spirit… I do love sis too. It's just she does get on the nerves. Don't know how Bob kept from strangling her at times these last seventeen years.
Love, unconsciously expressed, and a constant state of semi-inebriation I suppose.
"Did we miss anything good?!" Robert, hopping off his own chair, much to the grateful thanks of his bearers. "Gomez?! Save some splatter for me! Hello, there?" he eyed the two rather petit but reasonably capable-looking masked figures and the tall masked knight with them. "Friends of yours, Lord Hand? Or shall I take them out for you?" eager question.
"Friends, indeed, Bob…" Gomez, quickly.
Dang…Arya thought, eyeing Robert who returned shrewd appraising stare.
I coulda taken old fat guts…
"Boys…" Cersei frowned… "Rob, you promised not to encourage…Stability and all that…"
"Right, right…" sigh. "Cease and desist, in the name of Robert I Barftheron and on your oaths and all that crap." Robert called. "Swords up, all!"
All raising swords, Jamie and Arya rather reluctantly…
"Pardons me, sir…" one of the apprentices, having "accidentally bumped" the king and fallen, picked himself up and hurried off.
Hey, not my boss…Joad, watching for a second before returning to focus on the scene of what was fast becoming in-action.
"Lotus, points for supporting Wednesday but…" Gomez noted quietly to the knight.
"Not a girl to be dissuaded, Lord Hand…" Ser Lotus, nod to a pleased Wednesday. "She'd learnt the Kingslayer was out and about after you at court, following Joffrey's public humiliation and couldn't be stopped. So…As a good fiancée should…"
"I be here too, ye know…" Arya, annoyed.
"And we're truly grateful…Masked Avenger." Gomez nodded.
….
"Jamie, what the f- are you doing?" Cersei glared to her brother as her chair was set down and she rose up, climbing out with assist.
"I'm defending the honor of House L, sis…" frown. "We've been…"
"Duped, you moron…" she glared. "Tyrion's fine…His champion, Ser Fester of all people, won trial by combat at the Vale and Lady Addams withdrew all charges. The little shit's with Dad and the army on our borders with the Frumps and Tully-Ciceros." She peered at Arya and Wednesday in their cloaks and masks, then Ser Lotus.
"My gods…Is that you, Lady Wednesday? Ser Lotus?"
Hello…I be here, daughter of House Stark…Arya, grim look.
"Friends of the Kingdom, come to assist our Lord Hand…" Ser Lotus, formally. "We mean no harm to Your or His Majesty, your Grace. Only to see that Justice is done."
Rather like to skewer a few guts myself, Arya thought, sighing.
"Right." Cersei sighed. "Lets just thank the gods Justice is here, royally personified."
"Did you folks get in anything good, Gomez?" Robert asked, hopefully.
"Afraid we were just sizing things up when you two showed, in the nick of time, Bob." Gomez shook head. "But I'm sure it would have been quite a good deathmatch."
"We'll find some way to do it without a threat to the kingdom, later…" Cersei hissed to a disappointed Robert. "Boxing or something, maybe…A good, bloody prizefight or joust to friendly settle things." She smiled.
"Well, that could be good I suppose." He nodded.
"Just why are you here, Lord Hand?" Cersei asked, looking a bit nervously round.
This looking rather like one of the places into which I would prefer no one sticks his or her nose…
"Just investigating the death of the previous Hand, your Grace." Addams bowed.
"He died of illness…What's there to investigate?" annoyed tone.
"There were some suspicious circumstances, my Queen…" Gomez shook head. "I felt it necessary, as Lord Hand, to check things out…"
"And found…?" slight anxiety.
"Yeah, what did you find, Gomez?" Robert, curious.
Say, isn't this the Armory where that nice kid of mine works? He looked about. Hey, there, boy…He waved to a pleased Gentley in line with the others.
Uh-oh…He glanced at Cersei's troubled face…
Right…The secret none must penetrate…
Not to mention, she must be a bit hurt, poor thing, remembering all the nights I fled her bed for the local hookers. Even if I didn't shoot straight…
"Cerse…? You ok?" he patted her hand gently.
Hmmn? She eyed his troubled face…
Ohmigods…She blinked.
He's feelin' guilty?
Oh…No…No…
My poor sweet Bobbie…After all I've done?
"Nothing conclusive as yet, your Majesty…" Gomez noted. "But…"
"Great…Good job, very thorough, Lord Addams. But we have other matters to concern you." Cersei cut in. "We commend you for your pains but lets get home and deal with said concerns…Now. Eh, honey?" turning to Robert.
No guilts…Her earnest look…Alls forgiven, we be startin' over…
Heck, what's a few nights out with the local whores…It's part of being a king, right? And gods know, I was acting the bitch to the max.
Besides…We really do have other matters at hand.
"Might be best, Gomez." Perturbed nod by the King. "We do have two armies assembled, on your and the Lannisters' borders and there's news from Essos about the Targaryen brat. Girl's gone and made alliances in Barth…She might even be close to getting that army together."
"As you wish, your Graces…" Addams bowed. "Lord Lannister…" he turned to Jamie. "I apologize if my wife's zeal was excessive. Morty's usually very level-headed but when the kids are concerned…I hope you understand. I'm sure Cousin Imp wasn't involved."
Sigh from Jamie…
Really needed a good, bloody spatterfest to clear my head…But…
"Dad's sent specific instructions to you to make no trouble here, Jamie. He's fully satisfied with Lady Addams' apology." Cersei now hissed to him, coming by his side.
Great…
Oh, well…They did apologize…
And I couldn't enjoy splatting the guts of those brave girls…
Though heck, they actually do seem pretty good with those swords.
I've gotta book a class with that guy before he leaves the capital…
"I accept your apology, my Lord Addams…" Jamie nodded. "Conditional, of course, on my seeing my brother well and safe." Addams bowing to his bow…Both men clasping gauntleted hands.
"All ends in hugs and kisses too much these days…" Robert sighed to Cersei, shaking head. "Whole kingdom is becoming Rently. Not that I don't love the little poof. I know there's gotta be some place for his sort of thing…Art and music and concern for societal wellbeing and all that…I'm not totally deaf to the sensitive side. But…"
"Prizefight…Later…" Cersei hissed. "I'll even let you take on the winner…" beam.
"You are quite a girl, girl…" he beamed back. "But, honestly, Cerse…Regards all this…" wave of hand.
"Sorry. Truly."
"Bobbie…" she hugged him.
Right, rub my face in it…Thoroughly…Jamie sighed, watching.
And no doubt now, I'll be ordered to ask for…
"Course this sort of thing does fill the treason category…" Robert noted, eyeing Jamie. "I don't think legally I can just let an attack on my Hand pass…"
A kiss-ass royal pardon…Jamie finished thought, with sigh.
"No attack was made, we merely held a discussion on recent events of concern…" Gomez noted, hastily. "I'm sure, given the happy outcome, there's no reason to pursue it beyond that, Bob."
"Hmmn…Cerse?"
"I think Lord Hand Addams once again has the right idea, Bobbie." Cersei nodded.
"Right…A…Discussion…Took place here. Everyone got that?" Robert, sternly.
"Nice piece, there, masked whatever you call yourself." He nodded to Arya.
"Your Grace…Tis me Icepick…" Arya, bowing low.
"Perfect name…" he beamed. "Hello, kids…" he addressed, with wave, the watching apprentices who beamed. "Grand to see you all again on this impromptu royal visit. Greetings and felicitations and all that to all…Work hard, stay in school, and be ready to slam a hammer into the head of your King's enemy and you'll do well."
"What His Majesty said and huzzah, huzzah to all…" Cersei beamed, waving.
…
Arrgh…A distraught Middlefinger shook head as he sat in his office, reviewing the latest intelligence from the scene of not bloody infighting leading to civil war, but a calm discussion and a friendly sketching-op for the King and Queen.
"Another miss…" he sighed. "And Lannister is happily recalling his forces from the border…With Addams' people likewise pulling back into the Tully-Cicero lands. Alls well in Westeros…Wonderful."
What does it take to get a bloody civil war started round here, these days?
And Sansa is gonna be so disappointed.
Well, I can paper it over by claiming it's a brilliant stratagem to throw my enemies off guard?
Yeah, that usually works…And Lady Stark, for all her impressive, precocious ability to adapt and survive by repressing her feelings and planning carefully, remains a young girl, easily impressed by a clever and virile, gifted, older friend.
(I must say…A fair degree of eehew…Verysmuch, shaking head in his office.)
…..
The desert seaport city of Barth…
"So your Blondeness…Highness…" Taro Trumpo Don noted to Danerys as they strolled the walls of the city, her still quite little dragons flying behind her, eyeing the interloper between them and Mom with disdain…Making the occasional "accidental" little fire burp to drive him back a bit….Ser Jonah close behind with two Doofraki survivors/guards and Danys' handmaiden, Eerie…
Stepdad? Drogon, largest of the dragons, glancing back to Ser Jonah…Come on, step up and deal with this clown…
"…We form a natural alliance, you and I…An exiled, abandoned, should-be Queen, with few supporters left to her, in need of heavily armed support and I, leader of a great city, a former penniless waif who rose from nothing…"
"Is known he had family trust to draw on and ran through…" Eerie whispered to Ser Jonah.
"Oookkk…" Danys nodded. "So you got an army for me to invade, despoil, and bend Westeros to my lovely will? And the cash to pay them and win allies over? A fleet to bring them across all that Sailable Sea thing?" she eyed Taro.
"Naturally…" he nodded. "Well, I have the cash and the allies to provide all such…You buy the rest with that, once we come to a marital agreement. Four kids, sex five times a week…Scribe?" he turned back to summon a female scribe, with parchment scroll ready, quill out.
"Now as to the color in our royal bathroom…I being rather particular about my living space." He continued.
"Whoa…Whoa…" she put up a hand. "We're nowhere near that yet…Drogon!" she cried as Taro jumped back at a fireball "burp" directed in his specific direction. "Behave! Or no goat tonight!" she glared at the crestfallen Drogon.
"Come here, boy…" Ser Jonah chirped…Drogon flying eagerly over.
Hmmn…Taro, dark look Jonahward. Far too good with my dragons is this nobody ruined knight.
Still, perhaps I'd best back off…Patience is what raised a penniless waif to my current exulted status.
"Of course, Highness…All can be discussed later." He gave airy wave of hand.
"I might wanna make my own alliances, Lord Don…Grateful like as I am you saved me and my guys from the desert and certain death stuff." she noted, coolly.
Though you are kinda hunky and younger than poor ole lovable, if depressive, Jonah…She eyed him.
But, really oughta try and heed the advisor guys here…Who all say this fella's too eager to win me over.
On the other hand, if he's got the cash and the support…I can always have him killed later. Queen types do that all the time, I know.
"By all means…" he bowed, with smile…Bitch…Dark look.
Like I'll let ultimate power slip out of my hands and go off whistling a happy tune…Me, a former penniless waif…
(I know, I know…I feel your pain…Middlefinger in office, reading intelligence reports…We poor, neglected kids, overlooked, the smartest ones in the bunch, mind you…
But our day, meaning mine of course, will come, brother.)
