"What does it feel like?"
Aslan smirked at me and shook his head. "Why do you want to know?"
I shrugged. "I just do? It's not like I could ask Mom," I said dryly, pinching the lit paper from between his fingers. Aslan raised his brow at me and shook his head.
"You know, she would kill me if she knew I knew you did that," Aslan stated. I shrugged and put the paper between my lips, pulling the smoke into my lungs.
"I've done worse things. All of which, you showed me."
Aslan rolled his eyes and took the cigarette back. "Your privileges are now revoked," he chirped, taking a pull for himself. He held it in for a moment before blowing it out, looking up at the sky.
"It…it feels like calmness."
"Love feels like calmness?"
"In a sense. It's like the person you fall in love with is the center of the storm. Your life is the storm, but they are that calmness right in the middle of it. Lila makes me feel like I'm complete. She makes me happy, but can drive me crazy just as much as you can," he said, playing pushing my shoulder. I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him.
"Lila makes me feel like I don't need to hide anything about who I am. She doesn't make me feel like I'm the next Earl. She makes me feel like I'm a person. The person you fall in love with should make you feel at home in your own life. Don't settle for anything less, küçük kuş."
"You can't call me 'little bird' anymore. I'm not little."
"Well, calling you 'big bird' is odd," he retorted. I sighed and rested my head back against the wood behind me.
"But back to my question. Do you think I'll know what it feels like? When I find it?"
Aslan finished the last of the cigarette with a nod. "Yeah. You will. You'll understand it more when you're older."
"And the butterflies everyone talks about?"
"That isn't love. That should tell you to run. You shouldn't feel nervous around someone you love. Have you ever felt nervous around me?"
I grimaced. "No. You're my brother."
"Either way, love in all forms is love. It should never make you nervous. Now let's get inside, it's freezing tonight. I think we'll get the first fall of snow."
I nodded and tucked the blanket tighter around my shoulders and stood, waiting for Aslan to climb down the short later first before jumping down at him. It was something I had always done as a child, it was our 'thing'.
Aslan grunted when he caught me and set me on my feet. "Don't ever change who you are. Please? Any man who truly loves you will love the real you."
I nodded and smiled at him. "I promise."
Lissa flicked through the dresses that hung in a row, saying which dresses wouldn't work for the gala tonight. She had already picked her dress, whispering under her breath how much he would like it.
"Lissa?"
"Hmm?" Lissa asked as she held up two of my dresses for inspection.
"Do you love Christian?"
Lissa stopped and let her arms drop and she turned to me. "Why do you ask?"
I bit my lip and shrugged. "Just wondered."
Lissa sighed through her nose and sat on the chair near her, tilting her head. "I do. I know that it's only been a little while, but I do."
I nodded again and toyed with the lace on my dressing gown. "What does it feel like?"
Lissa licked her lips and thought about it for a moment. "It feels like he gets me. Don't get me wrong, you know me better than anyone, but there is just something about him that understands to my core. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel safe. I can't tell you how many suitors couldn't make me genuinely smile or laugh. He makes me feel like myself, not the façade I have to put on to impress men. He makes me feel me," Lissa said with a dreamy look on her face.
I remembered Aslan telling me something similar just a few weeks before he died. He told me that love should make me feel comfortable and calm. I had heard ladies talk about the butterflies in their stomachs they would get. I always remembered that butterflies were bad.
"And he doesn't give you butterflies?"
"I mean the first time I spoke to him, sure a little. But now, no. Why do you ask?"
I swallowed and shook my head. "Just curious."
"Try again. You never ask these kinds of questions."
I shrugged and stood, taking the dresses that Lissa was holding and inspecting them before taking the white one of the two. We were told there was a strict dress code for tonight. Specific colours and masks.
"Rosemarie."
I rolled my eyes. I hated it when she called me by my full name. "I was just curious."
"I doubt that. Why do you want to know what love feels like?"
I set the dress off to the side and looked through the jewelry in my dresser. I wasn't sure if there was a point in voicing what I was feeling. After what happened in the park, I felt a little childish. I wanted to believe that there was something between us, but his reaction showed that there wasn't. It was all in my head and I was naive and a little angry too.
I could hear Lissa stand from her chair and approach, resting her hand on my shoulder.
"Rose? Tell me, please?"
I sighed quietly and closed my eyes before turning to face her. "I think that I fell in love with someone."
A smile grew on Lissa's face before it died. "And that's a problem?"
"I think don't its reciprocated. In fact, he made it clear that we were to distance our interactions," I said before turning back to the dresser, pulling out a necklace and setting it on the counter.
"I feel a little stupid. You told me I didn't have a chance anyways."
Lissa was silent behind me as I gathered up my belongings and turned to get dressed when Lissa stopped me.
"I was angry when I said that," she said quietly.
"Either way, you were right," I said plainly as I moved past her to go find Pipa. Lissa's shoes clipped against the floor as she followed, but I didn't want to get deep into the conversation on my lack of relations.
"Rose, I think that-"
"I think that we need to get ready if we are going to arrive on time. We both still need to get dressed," I cut her off when Pipa came in. Lissa looked at Pipa and then at me, understanding that I didn't want to discuss it. Lissa must have assumed it was because of Pipa, but it was genuinely because I didn't want to go to the gala in a sour mood. I would go, have fun, and dance with a few men, maybe even Andre or Eddie. I was determined to have fun, even if he was there.
The mid-summer gala was always the talk of the town. Each year it was hosted by a different prestigious family. This year it was the house of Belikov.
They have been offered the opportunity to host multiple times, but the former Duke Belikov would immediately decline. But this year Duke Belikov, Dimitri, accepted and passed the opportunity to his mother.
The theme was white and gold and from what Viktoria had squawked about in the park, her mother was sparring no expense. I knew that it would be good, but I felt a little bitter toward Dimitri.
But I tried my hardest to push that aside solely so that I could try and enjoy the night. But I was still licking my wounds so to speak. We gave our invitation to the gentleman at the door and went where he directed. I had to say that the Belikov manor was beautiful and had a historic feel. It felt old but modern at the same time. It made me think that there was a lot of history in the manor, and I knew that behind the closed doors we would find beauty and mystery.
But the moment the doors to the ball room opened I was stunned. The hall was decorated with white flowers hanging from vines from the ceiling. The room smelled sweet and airy, the white blending with the colours of their family crest. The golden yellow and deep marron accents made the white table dressing, flowers and banners pop.
Lady Belikov did not spare any expense.
And I felt wildly underdressed.
Not that I was, but compared to the room I felt plain.
Lissa pulled on my arm and I followed her while my head swivelled around to see all of the ballroom. It took my breath away how beautiful everything was. Each thing had a perfect place and use.
"You've done such amazing work, Lady Belikov," Lissa enthused as she found out host.
"Thank you, dear. You both look beautiful this evening," Lady Belikov said with a smile, stepping forward to kiss both of our cheeks. I smiled at her and thanked her, taking a moment to look at the room again.
"I'm blown away. You have outdone yourself," I said in earnest. Lady Belikov beamed at the praise.
"Thank you. My late husband did not like to entertain. I'm happy to be able to do this," she said with a small smile. I nodded because I felt like I understood her better. Dimitri's attitude about what happened with Sonya, and his reaction towards what happened after the dinner. What if Dimitri's father was a bad seed too? It wasn't the first time either Dimitri or his mother spoke in a manner that indicated that neither were too upset about his death.
"It's a shame; you've done so well and then night has only started," I said kindly. Lady Belikov smiled at me and started telling me about how much she had wished she could have done it sooner, but we were soon greeted by two other guests. Well, host by proxy and guest.
"Miss. Ozera, you look lovely this evening," Lady Belikov said kindly, but even I could hear that it was slightly strained. I took a quick glance at her attire and understood why. Her dress was a little unbecoming, plunging further down in the chest than necessary. It also didn't help that while she was the preferred body type, her lack of bosom was made well known with that dress. It was almost hard not to look.
"How is it that you knew who I was even with the mask?" Miss. Ozera asked with a laugh, but I faked a smile.
"I have a keen eye. The masks are for everyone else," Lady Belikov said kindly, "I see my son has finally stopped brooding."
"I was not brooding," Dimitri returned almost immediately, almost as if it wasn't the first time he had heard this today. Lady Belikov hummed in a way that made me believe she wasn't exactly impressed or convinced.
"Either way, I'm happy you've come to join the festivities," Lady Belikov said before gesturing to Lissa and I, "Don't they look lovely? I wouldn't be surprised if there were young bachelors following after both of you all night."
Lissa laughed while my face flushed. "I don't know about that, your Grace," I said.
"Nonsense," she insisted, "Now, I believe that the party is starting to progress. I should tend to my other guests. Excuse my dears," Lady Belikov said with a curt of her head. Lissa and I both bowed our heads kindly before letting her step by, Dimitri following behind her. He turned his head as he passed, meeting my eyes almost instantly. I swallowed and let my eyes drop to the ground.
Moss. Ozera took the moment to step in and engage with Lissa in conversation. I gave Lissa a look that said I was going to mingle and made my way through the people who arrived while we spoke. There were a lot more people here than I thought there would be. But the bigger the space, the more people they could fit.
It wasn't long until I got pulled into a dance with a few men I had danced with before in the summer. Each was kind and courteous, but none could really take my mind away from the person I wanted to dance with. Once I was able to slip away from the dance floor, I spotted Eddie and quickly made my way over, bumping his shoulder gently as I came to stand beside him.
He looked annoyed for a moment before realizing it was me and smiling.
"Hello you," Eddie said in greeting.
"Hello you," I said, "You're being a wall hugger tonight."
Eddie smirked. "There are only two women here I would dance with. One is currently standing next to me. I raised my brows and looked around the room, finding Viktoria standing across the room, speaking with a few other ladies.
"So, are you officially courting someone?" I asked, tilting my head to the side towards Viktoria.
Eddie shrugged slightly. "I actually wanted to talk to you about that."
"Oh?" I asked, giving him complete attention.
"I know that you and I have been friends for a very long time. And while I like Viktoria very much, I wanted to talk to you before I made any kind of commitment," Eddie explained before gesturing for me to take a step back with him so we were out of earshot of others.
"If you're about to profess your undying love for me, please don't," I laughed but at the same time was a little worried.
"No, no, no," Eddie reassured but his cheeks flushed a little, "I wanted to make sure that you weren't interested in me, that way."
I raised my brows at him and smirked. "No. You're one of my closest friends. Why?"
Eddie glanced over at Viktoria and sighed. "Because if you wanted me I would say yes. Without hesitation. Not because I'm in love with you but because I could live a life with you. And if it was something you wanted, I didn't want to take that away."
"You would give up your opportunity to be with Viktoria for me?"
"I know that if I asked for your hand, I would be married to my best friend. Someone I know inside and out, someone that I could trust, rely on, someone I could learn to love that way. I planned on making my intentions known with Viktoria, but wanted to talk to you first," Eddie explained though seemed a little embarrassed.
I smiled at him. I was touched by what he said. He was right too, if I married Eddie, I would be marrying my best friend. But it wasn't what I wanted, and I didn't want to deter him from who he wanted.
"I think that you and Viktoria would be an amazing match," I said sincerely, "I'm touched. But I think that you should take the chance with Viktoria."
Eddie smiled at me and nodded, letting out a sigh. "Thank you," he said.
"Thank you for thinking of me," I said, "If things weren't going the way they were, I might have taken you up on your offer."
"Someone caught your eye?"
I shrugged. "Sort of. It won't last, but I'll get over it. There's always next season," I said with a smile, but he wasn't dumb, he would see through it. Eddie was about to say something but Viktoria came to stop in front of us, taking his attention. It made me happy to see how his demeanour changed around Viktoria. He relaxed and smiled more, which I didn't see enough. The older we got, the more serious he became. Viktoria seemed to bring that out of him. I stuck around long enough to not seem like I was deserting them before making an excuse for a refreshment.
Not that I really needed one, but I wanted to give the two of them time alone. Well, as alone as they could get in a room full of people. Instead, I watched the people around me. Everyone seemed to be running on a high tonight, everyone smiling and dancing. Lady Belikov would be the talk of the town for weeks.
It wasn't likely that anyone would be able to top what she did.
I spotted Lissa across the room with Christian and I felt myself smile despite my envy. I wasn't crazy about Christian, but I did like that he made her happy. I wanted her to be happy, to live in prosperity, to feel love. I couldn't deter her from that simply because I had listened to gossip about the man she was in love with.
"You look like you're thinking very hard."
I turned and rolled my eyes in an unladylike manner. "I am."
Lord Zeklos smirked at me. I didn't need him to move his mask for me to know it was him, his heigh and eyes gave him away. Just like how I noticed Jesse Zeklos earlier in the evening and promptly went in another direction.
"What are you thinking so hard about?"
"I don't think that it is any of your business," I said as I looked over the room. I spotted Natasha Ozera across the room and turned my head towards Lord Zeklos, giving him a tight smile.
"I think it might be."
"And why is that?"
"Because you're watching your friend and are slightly green with envy," Lord Zeklos pointed out and I couldn't exactly disagree with him.
"Lord Zeklos-"
"I think it's time that you start calling me Ivan, my dear. I think we can most past formalities. Do you not agree?"
I pursed my lips. "Fine, Ivan," I said before sighing. "What exactly do you think is part of your business?"
Lord Zeklos laughed. "The fact that since I last saw you in the park, my best friend has been in a sour mood and short with everyone, spare his mother. Any reason for that?"
I cleared my throat and looked at him frankly. "I don't that I'm at the liberty to say. Now, excuse me," I said bluntly. I stepped around him but he followed me, stopping me by the doorway.
"I think that something happened between the two of you and that's why he's been pissed off all week," Lord Zeklos said boldly, not giving a care for the language.
"I think that if the Duke has a problem with the direction he gave me, then that is his problem. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was specifically told to distance myself. If he has an issue with that, that's his fault. End of discussion," I said bluntly, "I do not wish to discuss this further."
Lord Zeklos raised a brow at me but smirked. "I don't know who is more intimidating when angry; you or your brother."
I breathed nosily through my nose before turning away and heading for the quiet solitude.
It turned out that the quiet solitude I found was the garden at the back of the manor. The garden smelled just as good as the ballroom. It was lit in a way I couldn't understand. It was bright but all by candlelight. As I walked I let my fingers brush over the bushes, the hydrangeas tickling my fingers.
There was a pavilion in the center of the garden, white like fresh snow. I climbed the steps and stood in the center of it, closing my eyes against the breeze. It was cool but carried the smells of the gardens. There was a stained glass panel hanging between two of the pillars, carefully crafted to show a bird.
I walked closer to it and ran my fingers over the corner of the glass. It was cold and smooth, something that wasn't common to find. Most of the stained glass I had seen in the town had some roughness to it, but this was smooth. I pulled the mask off my face and set it on the edge of the pavilion. It felt nice to take it off and let the cool air rush over my face.
"You have a habit of finding yourself new places you shouldn't be."
I pursed my lips and picked up my mask. "I didn't realize the garden was off limits."
"It's not," Dimitri said, "I meant more to the fact that you were alone."
I sighed and turned to face him. He had taken his mask off too and I was glad for it. The mask didn't suit him, but the gold clothing did. It made him look godly. I put that thought out of my mind and started to walk off the pavilion as he climbed the steps. He reached out for my arm and I pulled it away from his reach.
"I thought you said that we should put distance in our interactions," I said bitterly, twisting my mask in my hands. Dimitri frowned and nodded.
"I did say that," he said.
"There why are you here?"
"This is my house," he said plainly, and I sighed, throwing my hands in the air.
"I meant here, where I was quietly minding my own business while enjoying the night. You could have kept walking. Instead, you approached," I stated while my frustration bubbled beneath the surface. I had done well to avoid him most of the night.
Dimitri sighed and ran his hand over his hair. "I shouldn't have done what I did. It was wrong and your brother-"
"Don't use my brother as an excuse! My brother would think that you're a coward!" I snapped. There was a flicker of anger on his face and I felt triumphant at causing it. He was showing emotion and I wanted to see just how far I could push him. It was cruel, but he didn't get to use my brother's memory as justification.
"I am not a coward!" Dimitri retorted but I shook my head.
"You are. You're using the memory of my dead brother to justify you not owning up to what you've done. He was blunt and would be honest about everything, even if it hurt. Either you want me, or you don't, but do not dare lie about it. If you made a mistake, own up to it. I'm a woman, not a child. I can handle rejection," I said firmly. He didn't need to know that further rejection would hurt, but I needed him to know that I wasn't about to be used or played with.
"I am not! What I was saying was that your brother would have killed me if he knew I had taken any kind of liberty with you and not mean it! I shouldn't have pushed you away."
"And why would I believe you?" I whispered. Dimitri's face fell and he stepped closer, carefully taking my gloved and pulling me inside the pavilion. He sighed and brushed his thumb against my cheek, making my brows furrow.
"I would never put you in a position to be ruined if I didn't want you. It wasn't just your reputation I put at risk, but my family's, my sisters'. If I could do what I wanted without thought, I wouldn't have pushed you away."
I took a slow breath and looked up at him. "Then why did you?"
"Fear seems like a weak answer," Dimitri whispered. I gave him a small smile.
"It's not a weak answer. A crappy answer, but not weak. Fear makes us do things we don't want to," I said quietly. Dimitri chuckled lightly but nodded his head, resting his forehead against mine. He sighed quietly and I could feel his breath flutter over my face. I tilted my head upwards, smiling at how my face fit almost perfectly against the lines and edges of his.
I felt his hand brush against mine and I took the opportunity to take it, twisting my fingers with his. He didn't pull it away and I smiled, liking how I could feel the warmth of his palm through the silk glove. The wind rustled through the trees and bushes, filling the silence around us. The cool summer air brushed over our skin, making mine pucker. Standing here, my back resting barely against the column behind me, it felt like the air around us had thickened, almost like electricity was filling the space around us.
"We shouldn't be here. Not like this. If we're seen," I whispered but my hands had a mind of their own, coming up to rest on his shoulders. His hands ghosted over my arms and up to my neck. This was dangerous, but it felt so good.
"We won't be seen," he said brushing the edge of his nose against mine. I breathed in a slow breath and tipped my head back the slightest bit. His scent overwhelmed me, billowing around me like smoke billows around people in the cigar rooms.
"How can you be sure?"
His thumbs brushed down my neck. Even that was scandalous enough to cause talk.
"I promise. Nobody else is here," he whispered, his lips brushing against mine as he spoke. I gasped quietly and my eyes found his in the dark, his brown eyes so deep and captivating. They were beautiful and I loved looking at them.
I didn't think I would know what love felt like, but here, right now, I realized that Aslan was right. Love wasn't nervousness, it was feeling calm and secure. Despite the ups and down we had over the last month or so, I always felt calm with him. I had never believed in finding someone so easily that I loved, but even after a handful of weeks, I knew. I knew that he was the one for me. I smiled to myself when I felt his fingers twist into my hair, pulling me closer to him. I wasn't surprised when his lips pressed against mine, warm and soft but equally commanding.
I had never been kissed before, but I knew what the fuss was about now. I stretched up on my toes and dug my fingers into his jacket, moving my lips with his.
Even now, I would take the consequences of my actions if I could feel his kiss again. I sighed against him and felt my whole body relax in his embrace. One hand left my hair and rested on my arm, the warmth of his hand burning against my skin.
When I pulled away my breath was a little uneven but his was too.
"What does this mean?"
Dimitri's lips quirked up a little at the sides. "It means a lot of things," he said lightly, using the hand that had been in my hair to brush some curls away from my face. I raised my brows at him but he smirked at me.
"Your parents are to return near the end of the summer, yes."
I nodded but wasn't sure what he meant by that.
"Once they return, I can ask for permission to court."
"But the season would be over."
"So?" he asked, "I don't need a season to court you, Roza. Just permission."
I shifted on my feet and sighed slowly. "And we pretend this didn't happen?" Pretending this didn't happen wasn't something I wanted to do.
"We keep this between us. And we're careful. I don't want to do to you what…I won't risk your reputation again."
I titled my head the slightest bit. "Even if we're alone? Even if I want to tempt the risk?"
Dimitri thought about it for a moment and rested his forearm just above my head on the pillar behind me.
"We still need to be careful, Roza."
"Okay," I said quietly with a small smile. Dimitri's eyes held mine for a moment before he took a glance around. He tipped his head down again and pressed a quick kiss to my lips before standing up straight.
"We should get back."
I nodded and sighed, linking my arm through his.
"Why did your mother invite Jesse Zeklos?"
Dimitri stopped. "She didn't."
"What? He's here."
Dimitri tensed and moved his hand to mine, no longer walking leisurely. His stride was so quick that I had to jog a little to keep up.
"What is it?"
"He was specifically noted to not be allowed in. My mother made sure of that," Dimitri said.
I did promise we would return to our regularly scheduled fluff!
Let me know what you think!
