Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XLIII…
The desert seaport city of Barth…
Council of the formerly Thirteen, recently cut to Twelve, in council…
Hmmn…Ser Jonah Job in what he'd managed to put together from his remaining armor, polished as well as one could polish duststorm-, fire-, seasalt-, and battle- pockmarked, old and worn armor, looked around as he and Danerys stood in the great stone walled, marbled-floored chamber eyeing the seated council who regarded the penniless immigrant deadbeats seeking government assistance …
Barth here ain't no blue state, ya know…
Seems there are only eleven here today…Councilor Cleopatra apparently being away, Jonah noted to himself. Danerys busy trying to look both hot and commanding in her reasonably elegant borrowed blue gown, while waifishly pathetic.
Pity…Not that it makes any difference to my morose and hopeless existence, but Lady Cleo wasn't hard on the eyes and she was somewhat entertaining and charming of speech.
Unlike…Some people…
I mean…My Queen and Khaneesi has my fullest devotion…
But Gods, the girl is such a Princess sometimes…
And Cleo reminds me of my wife, minus my wife's endless demands for money and gifts, expensive ones. I mean, she could be wonderful, when not a greedy, grasping…
"Ser Jorah? Anything wrong…? You seemed angry rather than just your usual broken-by-your-burdens-and-the-world self." Danerys, note of concern.
"No, but thank you, your Grace." Faint smile.
"I kinda like it when you smile…" she beamed. "Wish you'd do it more often. You don't do it often enough, you know."
"I don't? Well, Khaneesi, I shall try to, more often." Another wan smile.
She can be a charmer, at times.
Taro, dark glare from his seat…
I wonder if I could add someone to today's activities list?
No, probably best to wait…But he who comes between me and my goals…Er, my beloved…And my dragons…Will be dealt with, at the proper time.
"So…" Councilor Charles of Kloch, seated, eyed the two and their nervous Doofraki handmaiden attendant, Eerie… "You seek funding for an army and fleet to invade Westeros and unseat Rob Barftheron so you can rule?"
"Oh, yeah…" Danerys nodded. "Like, I am the Dragon and Mom of Dragons or whatever and it is my right by ancient brutal conquest and mass slaughter to rule."
"And at the current rate per soldier and ship and allowing for supplies you'd need about 1 million quatloos in Barthian currency?" Charles continued, cool smile.
"Like, I guess so…Ser Jonah here knows the figure things…Or your boss, Taro TD? We gave him the numbers." Danerys shrugged.
"That is so…" nod from Taro Trumpo Don. "And as a former penniless…" Eyes rolling around the Council… "…waif I know it a stupendous sum...Though one my own limitless wealth could cover if I did not wish to share the potential profits with all. But, in any case, the goal to be achieved by my bride in winning…"
"And she sitting on that ridiculous Iron Throne benefits us…How?" Charles cut in.
"Wait, whoa…The bride thing? Still on the table…Not a done deal." Danerys waved arms, ignored.
"Yeah, how…?" Dave of Kloch asked.
"Shut up, Dave." Charles, frowning.
"With me as her husband, Barth would, in effect, rule Westeros…Westerosian law gives the rulership to the hubby in these cases…" Taro, confidently.
"It does…?" Danys hissed to Jonah.
"It does…Westeros isn't Athens, my Khanessi." Hiss back.
"Sounds intriguing to me…" Fat Pree Delight noted with leering smile from his chair. "But just what assures us of victory should we choose to violate our cardinal rule of no land war in Westeros and support your invasion?"
"Well, I'm the rightful Queen…" Danys began, avoiding a direct stare at the creepy skinny wizard. Is that really purple or is that some kinda colored lip gloss?
"And if I slaughtered everyone in sight I could be rightful king anywhere…" Charles noted calmly, with shrug. "But what do you have that would match an experienced army and a commander like Rob Barftheron. He did beat your insane grampa and your rather more capable father, you know. And there are plenty of eager young thugs ready to assist him."
"Say where's Cleo…?" Dave hissed to Taro.
"Stomach flu…These Egypties are prone to it…" Taro shrugged.
And an aversion to death…He did not say.
Sue me, she's an old flame and one I might want to resumre "relations" with…One day, after the blondie puts on a few or gets some lines or I just get bored with Her Vapidness.
I mean, come on…Cleo can speak eleven languages, studied Valeryan lit, and held a physics chair at U Alexandria (Go, Mummies!). The Dragon Mommie may be fire-proof and reasonably bodacious but didn't finish freshman high school and thinks "In Style" is high literature and incisive political reporting.
"Do we have to have music?" Charles looked round the room, then at the musicians setting up in the center.
"Just a gracious gesture to her Highness for this formal reception and hearing…" Taro beamed. "These boys are just in from Westeros…Minstrels and spies."
I hate spies…And minstrels…Danerys glared at the nervous smile of Minstrel Scott as he set up.
Never done "Rains of Castamere" in Barth, he thought…Urging the others to set up quickly…Taro eyeing them with impatient air. Come on, I've a bath waiting after this…
Especially to such an audience…the minstrel eyed the proudest of the proud.
Nope, never played to such dead meat before… Even in King Bob's Westeros.
"In any case…Coming back to business…" Fat Pree beamed creepily at Danys who grimaced involuntarily…
"Just how do we know you can succeed…? King Robert is quite powerful and has many allies, mostly fear of him-crazed, able and raging soldiers, pretty skilled and ruthless scholars and maesters."
"But I have…" drumroll, please…
"I meant that about the drumroll, minstrel." She glared.
Drumroll…
"We…" Taro rose, proudly, cutting her off…
Hey…
"…have three dragons."
This guy is getting on my nerves, Danerys eyed Jonah who pondered his fate in his usual lugubrious manner…
Biography of Ser Jonah Job reads, killed at Barth in senseless struggle against hopeless odds, I see, he sighed, hand on sword's hilt.
No doubt no marker, no memorial, and quickly forgotten by any who knew him…
Still…Danys motioned for a hold on that killing attempt, Jonah relaxing slightly…
The clown's got dough and power and for now, I need both.
"Yeah…I have three dragons." She cut in, firmly.
I am Khanessi, hear me roar.
This marriage does not seem one made in Heaven, Jonah noted, eyeing both…Somewhat less morosely, for him. Even the vaguest of smiles briefly on his lips…
Still, I've seen worse that ended reasonably ok…
They even say Cersei and Bob Barftheron are rewriting the book on it right now.
Well, he returned to his normal moroseness…So long as my Queen's happy. I'm not fit for her and born to suffer and/or kill for her anyway…
Such is my lot…
"Three dragons?" Charles perked a bit.
"Small dragons…I've heard they might even just be lizards." Councilor Walt of Disney noted with chuckle, from his seat. "I've drawn better looking ones for my fabulous magic lantern entertainments at my Land of Disney emporium."
"Small but growing…" Danys nodded, stern look.
"Fire-breathing and all that?" Charles asked.
"They're real dragons…" Taro nodded.
"Well, that puts a different light on the matter…" Fat Pree smiled. As the musicians finished their tuning…Taro waving them to begin…
"A magic one…" wider smile from the wizard as "Rains of Castamere" began…
Say…Haven't I seen that guy before? I mean before here…Danerys hissed to Jonah. "Yeah, in Pentos when I was a little girl…He was a player, still bald as a egg but no blue lips. Yeah, Matt was his name then. Of Frewer…?"
"Say isn't that the one they always play when a leadership is about to buy it?" Councilor Dave noted to Charles as the musicians played.
"Shut…Arrgh!..." Charles gasped, gurgling in his own blood…Falling.
"Char…" Dave, gurgling in turn…Other Councilors following, tumbling from their seats.
"Gods…" Jonah gasped, as eleven other Fat Pree Delights appeared behind the chairs of eleven councilors, stepping forward to slice the councilors' respective throats, but for one rather put out Fat Pree standing by Councilor Cleo's empty one, the original standing with Taro, both evidently in cahoots and quite pleased with the results. Danerys, stunned, blinking…
Of course, I might have guessed when the band struck up "Castamere", Jonah thought as he took position to protect the Khanessi.
That's never a good sign, even when Tywin Lannister has it played at entertainments. Someone always buys it, usually someone who owes or crossed him.
I remember when I saw "Godfather Lannistera", by "Anonymous", at the Kings' Landing Brothel and Playhouse and they played it at all the big wipe-out scenes when the legendary Guido Lannistera took out enemies.
They say the only reason Middlefinger's still breathing is that Tywin took it as a tribute to his ancestor's political savvy…
"Have no fear, Highness." Taro, happily. "This was just a political housecleaning…The sort of thing you see on stage in things like 'House of Cards' and 'Game of Thrones'? Only with real blood…"
"A move to the Khanessi and you die." Jonah, sword drawn.
"Speaking of housecleaning…" the one Fat Pree who'd not had a victim waiting, sighed, startling Danys and Jonah with her(?) high-pitched woman's voice and by pulling out a brunette wig which she(?) put on. "Why did we have to mess up this beautiful room? Donnie?! A little help here, honey!" calling.
"Really, Ser? A single sword against us?" the original Fat Pree smiled. "Has not our little act of somewhat graphic legerdemain convinced you of our wizardly powers?"
"No harm will come to you…" Taro insisted.
"I'd believe that more if you'd stop the boys' rendition of 'Castamere'." Jonah noted.
"Oh…Right. Minstrel Scott? Show's over." Taro called. The minstrel and his band of minstrels looking over in disappointment.
Just once would like to finish this one…Always gets cut off right when we get into the rhythm.
"You killed everyone…!" Danys cried.
"Not…Everyone…Highness." Taro pointed out. "Though my guards did take care of the Councilors' guards and staff so the grand total's about 100 so far."
"If no harm is to come, we'll be…" Jonah began, keeping sword raised.
"Leaving? Not a good idea." The original Fat Pree smiled. As four other Fat Pree began fishing for or putting on wigs, wiping off purple lip paint and rubbing off makeup to reveal younger, even rather attractive faces.
Danys and Jonah staring…
Half of them are…Women? Or some facsimile thereof?
"Ally?" a tall, heavy-set man in tunic and skirt had entered the chamber, bearing cloths and followed by an attendant with large bucket. "Oh, my…" the large man stared at the hideous sight of the corpse-strewn room.
"Donnie…" the first female Fat Pree revealed, addressed him, rather happily. "Alls done, but what a mess…"
"Ally? You killed the Twelve?" he blanched. "Our rulers?"
"Hey, I'm ruler…" Taro frowned.
"Eleven, mine was absent." Ally frowned at Taro. "You knew we had to, Donnie…" she looked to the addressed Donnie. "They were going to have us destroyed."
"What dark sorcery is going on here?" Jonah, staring. "Yeah?" Danys nodded.
"Actually…This is Natural Philosophy." The original Fat Pree beamed. "The 'magic and wizardry' stuff is for the tourists."
"All I can say is…" one of the wigged, another brunette, spoke up… "You better bleedin' keep your word Fat/Matt and you too, Taro."
"Your lives are safe, Sarah. You and your sisters and brothers…" Taro nodded. "You have my word as ruler of Barth…And soon to be ruler of Westeros."
"Yeah…Like that'll be happenin'…" Danys hissed to Jonah. "Targaryens write their own laws."
Hmmn…Jonah regarded her.
Well…Queenly enough but a bit too Targaryen perhaps…
"You're that player…" she addressed Original Fat Pree… "That Matt of Frewer guy. I saw you years ago, in Pentos."
"Indeed you did…" he nodded. "That's my stage name…I was raising funds and scouting out donors for our projects then. Never thought the crème dela crème of prizes was right under my nose then." Smile.
"Could I ask you to give me my spectacles there on the table?" another of the female Fat Prees addressed Ser Jonah, who eyed her then brought her the said glasses. "Hey…I'm Cosima…" she waved to Danys. "Really exciting to meet you, your Highness. Sorry about the circumstances."
"What is this?" Jonah looked about him. "What do you mean this isn't sorcery or wizardry?" he faced Fat Pree.
"Well, see…It really isn't sorcery per se. The other boys and my girls here are clones, copies you might say, of me…" Fat Pree explained. "It's all based on simple principles of natural philosophy…Though the teleportation bit might be a little too hard to explain just now, in proper terms."
Danerys staring…Taro beaming…
"Must we use the C word?" Ally now cleaning energetically, with the said Donnie, looking up. Hello, she looked over at Sarah…We could use some help here…Her look saying. "Donnie, spread that carpet…Carefully, this one's a bleeder…"
"Bloody well leave it for the staff or do it yourself, Alison…" Sarah frowned. "I'm not a bleedin' maid."
"Is will help, seestra Ally…" a copy wearing blonde wig came to her and took cloth, beginning wiping. "Sarah, is no reason not to leave place in good order… Boys?" the clone(?) addressed the other male clones who looked at each other, then Fat Pree who shrugged.
"I says…Help…Or I gut brothers like fish. No room for sexism in our family." The blonde noted to the males who gulped collectively.
"You, see…Years ago I studied the most advanced natural philosophy at the Citadel." Fat Pree was explaining as the other males went over reluctantly and under Ally's and the blonde clone's directions began to clean.
"They're not going to ask me to help…?" Danys looked to Taro.
"The royal scum? Of course not." The blonde clone sneered, looking up. "Dirty pretty Danerys Bloodsoakers?"
"Helena…" Cosima cautioned.
"Nice, meathead…" Sarah chuckled. "I agree."
"Hey?!" Danys… "Speakin' of bloodsoaked…"
Literally…Though unavoidable, I guess…
"Millions, not 100 and we killed to save ourselves and our siblings and their families…" the blonde eyed her coolly.
"Helena gets passionate about this stuff…" a male bald clone smiled sheepishly. "No offense, Highness."
"But it is life or death, for us." Cosima sighed. "Matt?" She eyed Fat Pree…
"Must we explain now? I need to show myself to the People of Barth as their new sole ruler…"
"Excuse? There are still two Councilors, sir." Helena noted. "Our father Matt and the Egypt lady…"
"The lady Cleopatra will vote with me…And we had an agreement Fat Pree…?"
"Of course…" "Matt"/Fat Pree Delight nodded. "Perhaps it's best if you show yourself and leave me to explain to her Highness. Absolute power being in your hands now…"
"Yes…" Taro proudly, gazing off… "And who better than a former penniless…"
"Right, right…" nod. "But you'd best be off to handle the pr…"
"I shall return shortly." Taro nodded. "And then, your Highness…" he turned to Danys. "We shall settle our matter. I think light green in the royal master bathroom, dear." He bowed and went out.
Eehew…Danys shook head.
No offense my Moon and Stars, but I am really not good at this marriage game…
Not to mention, "light green"? In the bathroom? No way…
I really cannot see this one working out in the end as my first did…
"You say no sorcery is involved in all this…" Jonah eyed "Matt". "But it hardly seems it can be anything but…"
"Let me explain…" Fat Pree waving hand in calming gesture.
"I'd prefer it if it were not such a large crowd…Of you…" Jonah noted, pointedly. "If you mean her Highness no harm."
"What? We're intruding?" Alison frowned. "Donnie, honey…" she turned to the large man. "Tell that sad-looking if handsome knight that we're not intruding."
"Sweetheart…It is a little intimidating to all of you here, at once." Donnie noted.
"That's fine. Children, return to our citadel…" Fat Pree addressed the clones. "I'll explain the situation to the Queen and Mother. We'll come soon."
"Lets get this straight...'Dad'…We're not your children and we bloody well think for ourselves…" Sarah grimly.
"Please?" winsome smile.
"Fine." Sarah frowned. "But I'm stayin' to see you don't stab us in the back. Guys? Ok?"
Nods from the other females…
"Fellas? You've got a say too here…"
"Fine by us, Sarah…" one said.
"Ok, then…Fat P. Just keep it short and lets get a move on." Sarah eyed the "wizard".
"It's really not anything terribly bad." Cosima noted, sheepishly. "It just got…Confused…And these people were really rather evil. Oppressive."
"Oppressors of the People, pig scum…" Helena spat on the chamber floor. "I just cleaned that, Helena!" Alison…
"Not great folks…" the other male who'd spoken agreed. "And we're kinda desperate. Matt'll explain."
"I imagine their children will think differently." Jonah, quietly.
"Ohhh…" Alison gasped. "Why'd he have to say that, Donnie?" leaning on the large man's shoulder as they went out of the chamber.
"Ira is right, though. It's a desperate situation for my children." Fat Pree sighed.
"Was it mirrors, the way they came in before?" Danys asked.
"No…Just a bit wasteful to have them teleport out." Fat Pree shrugged. "Anyway, here's the deal." He waved a hand…
"Many years ago I studied advanced Natural Philosophy at the Westeros Citadel under several of the most brilliant…Some would even say, crazy…Maesters ever…The great if somewhat sniveling Henry of Frankenstein…The utterly mad but bold and not that there's anything wrong with that, flaming, Septimus of Praetorius…And the brilliant if cocky Seth of Brundel…Maesters of their arts…
They showed me things that make sorcery look like crappy card tricks…" "Matt" beamed. "But even they couldn't realize their full potential in Westeros, given the medieval intellectual climate and the wizard- and witch-burning…So I went east, to Pentos, then here. Where I and Praetorius and Brundel…Frankenstein was too sniveling to go with us and later betrayed us to the Maesters…Found the Dyiad Citadel of Advanced Natural Philosophy, to probe the mysteries of the universe."
"Cool…" Danys shrugged. "But…"
"Coming to it…After poor Seth was permanently injured in his first attempt at transit but left behind the secret of teleportation…I and Praetorius created life, as nature does, from individual seed cells of the body…Clones, guys." Smile. "Poor Septimus died a few years before we perfected the technique but…"
"Wait…" Danys, interested. "You mean you can make people, lots of them? Ser Jonah? There's our army…"
"Just a moment, Highness…" Jonah put up a hand.
"Ser Jonah is right…Not quite so easy, Highness." The bald Fat Pree smiled. "I created copies of myself, male and female…"
"Bald girls?" Danys eyed him.
"Family trait…I haven't worked out how to root them all out."
"Eleven? Six males, five females?" Jonah eyed him.
"Actually six females…" sigh. "We lost one…Dear Beth…Noble self-sacrificing girl. But that's another story…" "Matt" shook head.
"So…Great…Lets crank out my army…" Danys beamed. "Now I won't have to marry that jerk Taro. I'll make you Minister of Maesters or Maester of Ministers or something. Lets go! Chop, chop!"
"Highness, the clones are independent. They are free to decide for themselves what they want." Fat Pree, carefully.
"What, you trying to say their 'born free'? That's Bolshevik talk! My grandfather used to burn Athenians who came spouting that crap!" Danys glared. "Of course, I could free them…Me, their Queen, as a gracious kindness…But only me, not them. And only if I want to…"
"Highness…They belong only to themselves…"
"Again with the Athenian Commie nonsense…" Danerys shook head. "If grandpa were here…"
"He'd light a fire under me, yes. He tried back in Kings' Landing years ago." "Matt" grinned. "He was a pistol. Half-cocked crazy but…"
"So you did know him…" Jonah nodded.
"And in part fled to keep our secrets from him, yes… Anyway, there we were with new discoveries coming in everyday at Dyiad, where the future is yesterday, and our little family…But then…Tragedy as always seems to happen in our world, struck. My little clones began dying."
"That Beth?"
"No, I mean my other batches around the world…These dear kids are just my Barth batch, the last of all my poor children. Only they have lived this long and several of the boys and Cosima are ill now."
"That's a shame…" Danys nodded. "Well, no army for free…Lets go talk to Taro." She turned to Jonah.
"Uh..Highness." Fat Pree eyed her. "We didn't go killing the Council of our city, evil as all of them were, just for the heck of it and to advance Taro Trumpo Don's career. We need something from you…" cool stare.
Hmmn…An army of mes? That could be kinda…Though not so good if they challenge me. And the dying thing isn't so good either, Danys thought.
"What do you need from the Khaneesi?" Jonah, coolly.
"A cure, Ser Jonah…For the fire sickness…That which is killing my children."
Fire sickness? Danys stared.
Well, yeah…I think I get it…Fire sickness, fire-proof…
Wait…Danys blinked.
"You need…" Jonah eyed Danerys…
"And Taro wants air superiority…Sort of an exchange for letting us operate freely here." Fat Pree smiled. "But we already took the pets via teleportation with help from a spy in your midst. I just wanted to do this last bit with a little social grace."
"Sorry…" Sarah had moved quietly behind Danys. "But this is for me family." She grabbed Danerys and they vanished in a blue glow.
"I'll be off, too…" Fat Pree noted, vanishing as well. Ser Jonah left alone, looking round the empty, but for bodies, chamber.
