Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values

Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?

Part XLIV…

Secret conference chamber in the bowels of the Middlefinger Entertainment Palace…

"So…" Middlefinger, seated at long table's end…End, Joffrey had insisted several times…Not head, I am at the Head…Where the future King sits, there is the Head…Naturally, Middlefinger had nodded suavely to Sansa's, likewise seated at the middle of the table, glare…You are always, the Head, Sire…Expansively…

"We need to be dealt back in the Game…" smile.

"I need nothing from the likes of you!" Joffrey fumed.

"Of course, my Lord, of course…My men will escort you and the Lady Sansa back." Thin smile.

"My Lord Belloq…" Sansa cut in. "Prince Joffrey, our future king merely wishes to be clear about the matter at hand. You understand that he merely needed to be clear that as a future king he cannot acknowledge your help publicly. Though he will in fact never forget your essential assistance in obtaining his right and will both honor and reward your loyalty." Openly innocent, yet somehow beguiling stare…

The kid is damned good, no? Middlefinger smirked at Joffrey who stared at both.

"I understand…" he leaned back, putting up a hand. "Forgive me if I was presumptuous in manner, your Grace."

Joffrey, looking to Sansa…WhatIsay…?

"Not at all my Lord." Sansa nodded. "His Grace is content. Shall we proceed to the details of our alliance? An alliance of course intended merely to bring King Robert back to his right sense of the proper order of things once those who dare slander our Prince and future King have been exposed and received their due."

"Yes, their due!" Joff spoke up now. "Death to all the traitors!"

"Surely not all, your Grace…" Sansa, carefully. "The Queen your Mother is merely…Misguided."

"Mom? Well…No…I didn't mean…"

Killing Mom? Like that famous/infamous old Valerian Emperor Nero Don Trumpicus?

Would be kind of a rush on some levels, really. And it might gratify my natural philosophical curiosity to follow Nero Trumpicus' lead and see where I came from…

But…Mommie? The only person besides…Uh…He glanced at the quietly eyeing him Samsa…

Besides Lady Wednesday, of course…Her surface contempt merely concealing her passion and devoted love for me.

"No, certainly not the Queen…But so many others who have dared to speak ill of you and rejoiced at your fall…Actively connived at it." Middlefinger, silkly. "They must be punished."

"Well…Actually only Lady Arya…" Joffrey began.

"Lady Arya?" Belloq, glance to Sansa who shrugged.

Hey, lots of us lose sisters young in these medieval times…I already lost my parents, what's a sister to that?

"She spoke against me…The Lord Hand supported her…" Joffrey grimly.

Oh, shoot…Lord Gomez…Wednesday's father…I can't kill him…

I mean, I can't be known as his killer…

"I agree the Lord Hand Gomez is a serious threat to you, your Grace." Middlefinger nodded thoughtfully. "Even if he may seem above the sordid political game, that's likely an act to deceive those who otherwise would rally to you…Including your dear mother…And his own daughter, Lady Wednesday…" innocent smile.

Sorry, kid…To Sansa's sudden dark look…But I'm doing you a favor in breaking up your twisted romance…Truly.

Though I do kinda take that back in wanting to impose my own twisted and pervy romance in its place.

But come on…Me vs Caligula here? He smiled at Joffrey.

Surely a trade up in everything that makes life worth living…Smirking at Sansa who refused to return his look.

"My Lord Verysmuch…" Ser Jonah paused in his writing…

"Last report as my Lord will recall, we left Queen Danerys, her remaining few Doofraki, me, and the Dragons at the mercy of the new Master of the Desert Seaport City of Barth, Taro Trumpo Don and his wizard "Matt" Phat Pree Delight and clones… Please forgive both the long delay in my writing you and the rather unfortunate penmanship as I am currently writing you from a dungeon cell with a pen shaped by my teeth made from a pillow's qualen feather with ink made from the juice of a lemon…Fortunately Barth is advanced enough to understand the need for vitaminic juice C in the diet to prevent scurvy…And believes in health care for all…On a piece torn from my very well-worn tunic."

Long delay indeed, Ser Jonah reflected. Hoped I was finally free of the Master Spider and his little birds but…With no one left to turn to…And his secret orders contradicting King Robert's kill orders, which I'd originally meant to both ignore and then use to blackmail my way home till becoming convinced of Queen Danys' destiny…

I mean the kid is hot, but come on…Was I gonna throw away a chance to clear my name and redeem myself, via either royally sanctioned murder or threatening to expose a traitor trying to block state-sanctioned murder?…Murder for the good of the State, from King Robert's pov….

No, not without and until I saw her win the love of a raging maniac barbarian Doofraki chief…Admittedly in secret a man of culture who concealed it to retain his hold on his people, a batch of true deplorables if there ever was one… Which was no mean feat but been there, seen it…Cersei Lannister and King Bob for one, Morticia Frump and Lord Addams for two, Cicely Stark and Raging Targaryen for three…

And then saw her pull off that fireproof Dragon birthin' thing.

Though even Lord Taro Trumpo Don here wants to see a birth certificate for all three…

Oh and that thing with her brother Visciously Targaryen and the gold…Neat and quite convincing of her Targaryen ruthlessness.

After all that, I was convinced she was the real deal and planned not only to keep refusing orders to kill her from King Bob but ignore all efforts by Verysmuch to convince me to help him help her, in secret and his suggestions for her future actions.

I mean it's likely the King's spymaster would try to convince me he was on Danys' side, right?

Or would he?

Recent events indicating that Verysmuch might be playing a double/triple/etc/etc game.

And…That he might be my and Queen Danerys' last hope of escaping our likely grim fate at the hands of Taro Trump Don and his cloned master/wizard's minions.

"I commend my report to you, my Lord, to be smuggled out by our loyal Doofraki handmaiden Eeyie, now by her confidential report to me, mistress of the said Taro, hoping you will consider the likely fate of the kingdom should Queen Danerys not survive. I mean, no truly legit heir, with no ability to inflict mass murder from the skies at any whim. I hear there's even rumbles of a left wing plot to overthrow the government and set up a democratically elected legislative council and elected President, which we both must, as medieval political thinkers and aristocrats…Despite your own nouveau-riche status…Consider the greatest horror of all. I have no contact with the Queen or her dragons but she is yet alive. My best to everybody at Kings' Landing. You might tell my ex that while I'm sorry her boyfriend dumped her, I can't take her back and I can't send money, she having spent all I had. And you might show her a portrait of Queen Danerys and say I'm rather 'close' to her…? Thanks. Take care, my Lord. Ser Jonah Job, chief aide to the Khanessi of the Doofraki, Mother of Dragons, heirness by divine right of brutal, sadistic conquest of Westeros, Danerys Stormtossedround."

A hiss at the food grating…

"Lord? Finished…?" Eeyie's voice. "I'm scheduled to do something strange with Lord Taro at one."

"Finished,yes." He passed the sheet through.

"Impressive…" A male voice outside the cell. "I like how you managed to still exercise impressive penmanship and yet fit it all on this rag. Pity it's going nowhere but the scrap bucket." Chuckle of Taro Trumpo Don.

"Eeyie…" Jonah sighed.

Naturally, I was betrayed in my trust…As usual.

"Ser Jonah? Was I gonna throw away my chance at something better than fetching for the blonde bimbo who nearly got us all killed and being raped by those who'll defeat her or her friends if she feels the need to offer a 'gift' to some randy ally?" Eeyie's mocking voice.

"You have proven yourself once again, my new chief concubine…" Taro's pleased voice. "Now lets go do that 'something strange'. Good day, Ser Jonah. Oh, could you fill out this survey regards your opinion of the care and treatment you've received while enjoying the facilities of the Barth prison system?" Jonah saw a paper sheet come through the food slot. "It really could help us shape policy for the future."

"Sure." Sigh, taking paper.

"The good news is I plan to send you back to Westeros once my maester wizard has learnt the secret of controlling our new air weapon." Taro, heartily. "Of course I imagine your failure to deal with the Princess and the ultimatum for surrender I shall be sending with you will not put you in too good a light with the King or his chief spymaster. Say, is this right about him not really wanting Danerys dead, despite Bob Barftheron's orders to croak her? Gotta say, that sounds like a real chance for blackmail there. You are a goldmine, Ser Jonah." Pause. "In fact, if you could be persuaded to play along, there might be a place for you in my ranks of advisers…"

No, no-no…Eeyie waved at him in the hall outside Jonah's cell. "No, Lord Taro…Ser Jonah is far too loyal and when not utterly incapacitated by his natural depression, too clever and shrewd…"

"Nonsense, little one…" Taro, shaking head with smile… "I, penniless waif turned business magnate, turned political leader par excellence, can deal with such 'cleverness'. Have I not already secured the Mother and her Dragons? And disposed of my political opponents?"

"Well, actually, sir…That was me and Phat Pree…" Eeyie noted carefully.

"Leave it to me, little one."

Uh-boy…

I smell hubris equaling disaster on this one…

"Yes, my Lord." Bow…

"Perhaps…I should speak with Ser Jonah alone, for a moment. I might persuade him to help you…" innocent stare.

"But…Our 'strange something'…? I've booked a room…"

"My Lord, you are ruler here now…"

"Dear…" shocked tone. "I still must act as an ordinary citizen in my private life. Anything else would be tyranny not despotism. Still…I suppose, if you think you can persuade him…To assist with the Queen…We could reschedule."

"I feel sure I can, my Lord." Bow.

"Scribe!" Taro called. "Scratch out my 2pm in the appointments scroll and move it to 6, after jogging but before the state dinner."

"My Lord…" the thin, harassed-looking scribe scratched away, frowning at Eeyie…

Thought we were supposed to get blackmail portraits of you with this clown this afternoon. Got my easel in a good spot in the spy room and everything…