Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part LVII…
The desert seaport city of Barth…
Former Council Chamber, now Provisional Chancellor/future hope-to-be Emperor's Reception Hall…
Where Taro Trumpo Don, in former lead councilor's chair, now (sorta) throne, sits in conference with his Cabinet of advisors...
The sort you'd expect, largely sycophants and lickspittles, not a few of the groveling-with-fear-before-the-murderous-tyrant variety, with a couple of ambitious pricks thrown in.
"Our alliance with the Wizard Phat Pree is shaky, friends." He noted.
Yeah, I imagine…Given you got no real power of your own outside the few mercenaries you've manage to recruit on promises and your rather weak claims to legitimacy providing your only hold on Barth's army, one slightly less lickspittle, more self-interested advisor thought.
"We must secure sole control of the Princess Danerys and her dragons as quickly as possible...Then the situation will appear in a better light."
One lit by the burning bodies of all those identical bald "daughters"? of Matt? Another wondered.
"As a former penniless waif, I find it hard to bear being under the thumb of another." Grim stare. "It's time for others to be under the benevolent and righteous thumb of my semi-divine guidance, pointing us to a prosperous new future…"
Thought we were pretty prosperous under the old admin…Yet another pondered. I mean, yeah, stocks are up but that was the trend already and some say the market's being overheated. And now with
Don's plans to back out of all our trade agreements under the claim that they're not good deals and his plans to make a fortune taking bribes to cut new, far worse to Barth, deals…
Still, so long as I get my cut…Apres nous, la deluge, right? Though wise to consider relocating to Pentos, or even Westeros soon as said cut is banked.
"…beginning with my bride, the Princess. After all you gotta be firm with dames, friends…" Taro expansively. "Treat em like crap, grab em by the…"
Knock at chamber door…
"The Princess Danerys…" a herald proclaimed.
Better have gloves of that new wonder fiber, asbestos, handy, when you grab her by anything, Donnie…One of the prick sort sourly thought.
"Right, right…" Taro waved hand. "Bring her in…"
"And…Sarah of the Wizard Phat Pree's line…" the herald added.
Dark look from Taro…
Phat Pree keepin' his hooks in, eh?
Not enough I let him take two of the dragons for study to his Fortress of Solitude…
Creepy place, always gives me the shivers when I visit…Though maybe it's his "daughters" Rachel and Helena who provide that…
Still, they are rather hot when they wear wigs…A harem of them's not a bad prospect to look forward to…
Hey, a guy like me's got live up to his rep, ya know…Babes by the dozen, trophy wives on display.
"Of course…" he rose as the two came through the great door…Sarah in wig and robes, Danerys in blue gown. Followed by Ser Jonah Job…He and Danerys in chains.
"And the Princess' attendant…Ser Jonah Job…"
"That's chief advisor…Nevermind…" Jonah sighed.
Such is my lot to be forever scorned and my job title trivialized.
"Hey…Ser Jonah's my top guy…" Danerys frowned.
"Certainly…" Taro smiled. "Welcome, Ser Jonah…"
Yes, hello, pig food when the wedding is over…
"And Lady Sarah…How is your esteemed father, our noble ally?"
"He's good…Say, what's with these two and the chains…?" Sarah asked, indicating her companions. "I thought we had an agreement with them? You bloody terrified one rather hot older guy without arms and a young woman are gonna kick the arses of everyone here?"
"Not at all…A security protocol was doubtless misunderstood…I was just about to explain that ot Her Highness, with all due apology. Guards, unchain Her Highness and Ser Jonah.." he waved. "And bring a chair for her Highness…You, my Lady should have a seat with the Council."
"Thanks." Sarah nodded, looking about.
Right on one of the chairs of the blokes whose throats we cut the other day…
Peachy…
Still…Matter of respect, I guess…And me arse wouldn't mind a cushioned seat, freshly laundered, I hope. She moved to council seat nearest Danerys.
"Thanks…Bring a seat for Ser Jonah, too…" Danerys told the attendants moving to fetch chairs…"
"Now, first off…" she began...
"Yes, as to our wedding plans…" Taro nodded.
"Just a minute, Lord Trumpo Don…" Danerys put up a hand. "I've not agreed to any mergers yet."
Thank the gods…Ser Jonah sighed. Though I'm sure she'll find some young hunk to shack up with soon enough, while I am put out to pasture, I'm relieved she's dodging this prick bullet.
"What I want to know is…Where are my dragons?"
"One is quite safe here with us…In high security containment." Taro, blandly. "As for the other two, Lady Sarah could best inform your Highness."
"They're safe with my 'dad' Matt." Sarah noted, calmly. "Under study."
"This sounds like…'We grabbed em, sucka'…"Danerys glared. "I didn't agree to unsupervised study when Rachel and I came to terms."
She is learning, Jonah nodded approvingly.
"You'll get to see them soon, he just wanted to be sure they'd be contained ok. Matt won't hurt em, Highness. You know 'e's just trying to find a cure for us." Sarah noted. "He's promised to return em soon as he can."
"Kinda hard to believe you, girl, after you killed all those guys and Ser Jonah and I were put in your dungeon. And where's my other Doofraki, the last of my loyal followers."
"A few bribed into my service, a few fled…The rest here in the fortress." Taro smiled. "Of course they'll be released after we come to an agreement…A marital agreement."
Danerys frowned. "This sounds like, like blackmail, pal."
"Blackmail? Such an inelegant word, Highness." Taro smiled.
"Given your state of want and need, I would think it a rather generous offer to merge my vast resources with your rather petty ones."
"Her Highness and her dragons are hardly 'petty' Lord Don…" Ser Jonah glared.
"Your opinion, as much as Her Highness may esteem it, is not needed here, Ser." Taro, dark look.
"Sounds right to me…"Sarah shook head from her seat. "Speakin' for your partner, bucko."
"Lady Sarah, when I want your creator's opinion I'll ask him for it." Sneer.
Arsehole…She glared.
We put him on the throne of Barth for this? This deal be lookin' worse by the second.
Though kinda stupid of him to cross us considerin' how we took out the old government and that we have two dragons to his one…If either of us could get them to fight for us.
"Come, enough of this." He rose from his 'throne'…
Don't look like no Iron Throne to me, bucko..Danerys thought.
"Lets get down to gold…Meaning I need spare no expense…Tacks here, Highness." Taro came to her. "We're two hot, healthy types…You inherited royalty, me acquired by the sweat of my brow and my statecraft and skill…"
Oh, please…Sarah rolled eyes, Jonah rolled eyes…
Even a few lickspittle and sycophant advisors rolling eyes now.
Hey, thirty percent of Barth may back him but half of them are idiots, dumb enough to be impressed by clothes and manner and the other half just wanted to blow things up and hope they'd make out well looting the prostrate state.
And given the rest merely tolerate him from fear till they can toss him out…
"…You need an army and vast wealth to recruit and ferry it across the seas, along with support ships, feed transports…Invasion is a costly business, my Princess. I have both wealth and army, now."
Even if no one's ever seen much of said vast wealth and the army will shake him off at the first mischance…One advisor thought.
"…And of course my regard for you is mighty. I feel enraptured in your presence, ready to love you with all my manly being. I mean, really ready." Smile.
Yeah, yeah…I got lots of horny guys around me, buddy…She frowned at him.
Though I will admit you're not impossible on the eyes…
There she goes again…Just as I knew she would…My fate, Ser Jonah sighed.
Hmmn…Sarah eyed Jonah from her seat.
You know if the bimbo's gonna go with power and army and wealth plus not too bad looks, I might be in the market for a god-awful gloriously handsomely tragic knight type with pure soul.
Would be nice if he were a bit less morose though…
Danerys catching her stare at Jonah who was too busy bemoaning his lot in life to notice…
Bitch…Artificial bitch. That's my guy/minion/advisor.
"Well, I'd like your positive answer my future Empress of Barth and Westeros and probably the whole shebang later on…" Taro insisted.
"Or…?" Danerys eyed him.
"What?" he blinked.
"I mean…If I say no, then what?"
"Well..." he paused, gathering wrath... Trying to seem menacing…
What can I do to her? I can't run the fire-breathing freaks without her…And I don't know how dangerous it might be to torture a dragon. Oh, wait. The manic-depressive and the few of her guys I didn't kill. Actually two reasonably hot babes who "adapted" to circumstances easily given they'd been camp slave followers for their Doofraki lords.
"There are your followers. It would be terrible if they must suffer for your mistakes while you rot in prison."
"Don't mind me, Highness." Ser Jonah spoke up… "Just do what you must. Any further suffering I must bear will be lightened a bit knowing it's in your service."
Wow…A little on the depressive side but gee…Will I ever be loved like that? Sarah pondered.
"Guards!" Taro cried. "Her Highness is tired. Return her and Ser Jonah to their rooms."
"I'm not tired!" Danerys stamped foot.
And you're no Lord Tywin to impress me with icy cool statecraft, however much you try to ape his style.
I mean, if he's as studly as his portraits and the broadsheets say, him I could do in a hot minute even if everyone tells me he's my potentially most deadly foe.
For politics of course, Joh…Sweetie…She nervously smiled at Jonah.
No doubt she's contemplating abandoning me…He sighed. Still, always makes my day to see her smile, she's had such a hard time of it.
…
Field camp of the forces of House Bolted, just north of Winterfalls…
"So let me get this straight, you bastard son of a bitch…Whom I do love, after my fashion, only stating the truth between us, you know?"
"Yes, Father…" the short and kind-eyed but somehow menacing figure in leather armor who'd "saved" Fearing smiled.
"You have Prince Fearing of the Greatjerks in your hands…Believing you saved him from our people at his worthless father's order?"
"Yes, Father…" beam. "I've left him just outside the camp. He thinks I've gone to fetch food and water for him."
Well, I do plan to bring some back…He was rather thirsty and hungry. And in need of a hot bath…
What can I say…Rammed shrugged…When I get into a part, I try to live the role.
"My scheme to seize the North during the chaos of civil war in alliance with Ser Walter Freyyed, who was to lure Robbed Stark to his death at yet another Freyyed wedding party under cover of safe conduct can't succeed now that there is peace between the Tully-Starks and the Lannisters and no threat to King Robert's rule. The whole Kingdom will turn on us, every House…Even the damned Tinners might try to grab a piece of us." Bolted sighed.
"And I've already received a polite note from Lord Robbed asking why our army's still in his territory…I had to tell him we're just having some horse trouble but will be headed home tomorrow. So what's to gain from this sniveling hostage of the Starks, unless a friendly thank-you for seeing he got to Winterfalls ok?" stern eyeing of Rammed who sighed.
"But Dad, he wasn't going to assist Stark…He was out to take Winterfalls. One of his men we captured told us."
"That the one who slaughtered your entire recon team? Where is he?"
"Uh, well…Naturally I had to kill him, in a desperate fight…He'd killed my dear comrades…" Rammed began.
"Bound and gagged, no doubt, you little pervert." Bolted frowned. "Boy, you've got to stop killing everyone, especially our own people. People can be valuable…Intel, cannon folder, tax paying, labor, sex…"
"I try, Dad…It's just so damn fun, torturing and killing…" Rammed shrugged. "But it is true what he told us."
"Oh, yes…" scornful tone. "What? We take up his stupid plan, capture Winterfalls and get besieged by the combined Houses, eager to reunite in a loyal quest to destroy a traitorous House already widely disliked for our methods of torture and our annoying ambiguousness? Which I may or may not…Damnit…Be trying to shun, at least in our own private counsels."
"Well…Perhaps not that, Dad, but he's surely got some value. Hostage, maybe?"
Careful look from Lord Bolted, sigh… "Hostage? You think his dad the 'Lord of Tinland' would care about his miserable heir? And if he did, what could we ask for? A few boatloads of fish? It's far more likely it would get Tywin Lancaster demanding the King call us to account. You haven't caught a prize, boy, you've caught a dead whale skeleton that'll drag us down."
"But maybe we could expose his treachery to Robbed Stark. Use it as an excuse to seize the Tin Islands?"
Coldly sour sniff… "The Tin Islands, what a glorious conquest…The poorest lands in the Kingdom. We'd be supporting them forever. What we'd get is the King wanting to know why we disturbed the newly established peace and Tywin Lannister urging him to bring us down, that f-ing suave bastard." Bitter reflection… "We went to school together, you know, I was a few years behind him."
Sigh… "I know Dad, I know…"
"He was my hero…Utter master of politics and history, just listening to his papers on statecraft was thrilling."
"So you've told me, Dad…Many times."
"Our beau ideal of a great Lord, for all of us. We all modeled ourselves on him, excepting Ned Stark that idiot." Sigh. "He can overthrow a House without breaking a sweat…When you hear him deliver a political summation, you know it should be your guiding bible."
"Right, Dad…"sigh.
"Worst of all is, he even manages to do good, rule well. All the rest of us, among the ambitious land-grabbers, have to work like dogs with brutal force and cruelty when we try to expand. He just moves a few chess pieces, it all falls to him and he can afford to dispense fair justice, even mitigate some social problems…I hear they even have non-fear-based respect and some liking for him in his lands. Goddamn so f-ing suave."
"Sure, but as to Prince Fearing…"
"Tywin could handle that in a blink of an eye and turn it to his profit." Shake of head. "Me, the best I could hope for is either a pat on the head from Robbed Stark or to gain one or two miserable slag heaps of Tin Isles. And even my finest scheme, to stand ready to exploit the possibility of civil war to grab the North in treacherous alliance with Ser Walter? Stillborn, dead."
"It may yet happen, Dad…" Rammed suggested. "The peace is still fragile and that Targaryen bitch and our guy Middlefinger are still kickin'. Couldn't we at least keep Fearing a prisoner and see if events don't make him useful? I mean it's not like anyone's gonna notice the little guy missing…"
Bolted pondered, drumming fingers on flayed skull on desk table.
"If it gets to Robbed Stark that we're holding his 'third brother' not counting the Stark bastard…And he goes to Robert or Tywin or both…"
"I'll keep charge of him, kill him if it looks like Stark or others will find out. Besides, you know me, Father…In a week I'll have him a broken, whipped puppy, ready to do or say anything. Heck, we could get him to take the Tin throne and rule for us."
Hmmn…Bolted eyed the pleading eyes of his psychotically evil son…
How can I say no…? Especially since it's too late now, the little wuss of a Greatjerk would either go run tell Stark if we released him or run tell Daddy who'd contact the King with glee.
"All right, do what you can…But do not let him slip away. And be sure he's broken in spirit, though him being a Greatjerk, that shouldn't be difficult." Rising from table.
"I'll need to go on pretending to be a faithful agent…"
"How would you manage that? He's sure to want you to bring him home."
"I just keep telling him we're being pursued…" grin…
"You're just gonna go traipsing with him across the North?" Maybe we're best off just killing him and dumping the body in one of these painy fields."
Fearing? No…
"Just till we know how things will break…" Rammed, persuasively.
"Captain Snow?" a voice at tent.
When will they stop calling me that? I know while I use Snow as a last, they have to but it always sounds like an insult.
"Yes." Rammed curtly.
"Your lady friend Elyse sends message she's come and horny."
"Oh…Great…Dad, excuse?"
"Fine. Just don't screw things up with the Greatjerks"
"I'll do my best. I'll come back to the watchtower on our frontier in secret every few days."
"How long do you expect this to go on?"
"I'm ready to stick with it till we need him or you cancel." Eager look.
Great…Cavorting about the North with his new boyfriend. Something tells me Elyse, whoever she is, isn't going to have her dreams made true by my bastard, Bolted thought.
Still, it's better than having him hunt servant girls down in sexual frustration…And some use may come of the Greatjerk kid.
