"Did you do the homework?"
"No."
That's always how it is. Tweek hardly ever answers with more than three words. I wonder if he even generally likes me. I like to believe he's just quiet but it wouldn't be hard to believe if he did because what we do together is fight and it would give him the perfect opportunity to punch me in the face. Which he does. And then he comes into the locker room with this unbearable attitude and demeanor, gets naked in front of me, takes a shower, and treats me like shit on his way out. It makes my fingertips tingle in a funny way.
I've never been a position where someone had this leverage over me. He treats me how I treat other people but it's not that. When he does it, it makes me act like someone I don't even know; someone who sits there and takes it. Even though it should disgust me, it's attracts me.
We walk to our lockers, not exactly next to each other but just a few lockers down. Tweek immediately throws his drenched shirt over his head. He's been getting really toned lately. I look away quickly so he doesn't catch me. He's caught me twice and it was enough to scare the absolute piss out of me. I ultimately knew he wouldn't instantly jump to the conclusion that I find him incredibly alluring in ways that made me actually question my sexuality a few times but had it continued to happen, it would become obvious, I felt. I've gotten better at doing it without him noticing. Short, but I take in all I can. The way his muscles contract when his lifts his arms over his head. His back muscles particularly are my favorite, if I had to pick. He looks great in just boxer-briefs. I haven't seen anything past that and thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
Tweek kicks his shorts off and grabs his towel before heading to the showers. I watch after him the whole way. I should follow him but it's been getting harder to be okay. I don't feel right and I also feel like there's nothing I can do to get better. I certainly can't do what I want to do.
But, I already know that it'll pass because that's what always happens with these things. Like when I got really depressed in middle school. I thought I was gonna kill myself or something but I'm fine now. Or like when I was so moody my parents almost took me to a psychiatrist because they thought I was bipolar. And then it was like nothing ever happened.
I'm just having a thing because Tweek's my type (if we were comparing him to a girl: blonde hair, blue eyes) and we fight so there's tension. And he's mysterious and that makes me think about him a lot. And hopefully that's all it is.
There's no way I could be gay because if I were gay, I'd know it by now. I just haven't found the right one, but Tweek's definitely not it either.
Today I'm stuck picking up Kenny for school. He says he missed the bus but I know he's just hung over from a party he went to last night. Because he called me and told me all about the fun he had dancing and partying. It was two in the morning. I'm not really mad because that's just how Kenny is and he knows I'll pick him up because that's just how I am.
I guess what I can be mad about is that I have to leave earlier to pick him up so we're not late. And there's traffic.
I rest my elbow so that it lays party out the window. It's a nice cloudless and windy day. It's the type of day Clyde would call too chilly and that would annoy the hell out of me. The light turns green finally and the cars in front of me slowly accelerate which annoys the hell out of me. But honestly being a senior with only four and a half months left leaves me with little motivation to accomplish anything, let alone something as insignificant as getting to school on time and I'm sure Kenny thinks the same. I wouldn't be surprised if he just stayed home if I couldn't have picked him up.
Yesterday Tweek and I boxed and something happened. I can't stop thinking about it but I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it.
My car bumps when I ride over the train tracks but as soon as I cross them I speed the rest of the way to Kenny's place. Mostly because the roads are empty and it's fun, not because I want to be on time.
When I get to his house I tap the horn three times and wait, also sending him a text to get his broke ass out here.
Kenny runs out of his house in a dirty hoodie, sweatpants, and no book bag. When he gets in my car he reeks of weed and looks hung over.
I give him a look long enough for him to address it. "What?"
I shake my head and shift the car into reverse, looking over my shoulder as I back out of his driveway. "You're a fucking mess."
"Whatever, Craig. I'm only high to offset my hangover. Who actually cares anyways?" I shrug. He's got me there.
He pulls out his phone to check his messages. Somehow Kenny always has messages.
"How was last night?"
"Fine. I punched stuff and got punched."
He nods. After a moment of silence which I was enjoying but was apparently Kenny giving me time to ask about his night, which I didn't so he says, "Well, I had a blast. I made out with Jenna Richards."
"Wow, sounds like a great time," I say. My voice holds no emotion which I didn't intend but I did expect.
"This is why I don't like talking to you, Craig."
"Why?" I ask only really partially paying attention to the blonde. We're about to pull in the school. The bells already rung but we still have roughly five minutes to get to class. I just don't want to deal with a detention I won't serve.
"You always sound so insincere," he says. "You can't say anything nice without sounding sarcastic."
I shrug again. Kenny and Clyde always have something to complain about.
Last night Tweek and I were boxing but something happened. My heart skips thinking about it and I hate myself for that. Before I can help it I'm picturing him beneath me again, hair sprawled around his face against the ring's floor, breathing heavily. I don't know how we got there.
"Craig!" I slam the breaks right before we crash into the car in front of us. "What the hell was that?!"
"Sorry, I zoned out."
"Jesus fucking Christ, Craig!"
"Sorry, I zoned out," I repeat.
"Are you okay, man?"
"I stopped," I say.
He laughs, "Fucking barely."
"I was thinking."
"About what?"
"Something."
"What?"
"What do you mean what?"
"What something?"
"Something that happened," I say. I pull into the school parking lot and park, ripping my seatbelt off and rushing out of the car. We're late.
Kenny follows behind me. "What happened? Last night?"
"No," I say. Then I realize I'm lying again and I hate myself for it. When Kenny doesn't say anything in response I glance over my shoulder at him and I can tell immediately that he knows I'm lying which is worse because now he's probably trying to figure out why I would lie. "Okay, yes but I really don't wanna talk about it, okay Kenny?" This will only add fuel to his curiosity but I can't think of anything better to say. I know if I don't say this he'd start asking if it's about my parents or Tweek and he'd know if I was lying. At least this way, the possibilities of what's wrong are broader.
"Okay," Kenny says but I can tell he's thinking about it and from that I'm gonna say in three months tops he'll probably have it figured out.
We walk together. I shove my hands in my pockets and try to remain unreadable. If Kenny did find out, I wonder what he'd think. What would he do? Maybe he already knows, shit.
We were just boxing and then we were on the ground pressed against one another. I couldn't tell if we were still fighting from how violent we both were. Tweek kneed me in the side, I bit his shoulder, he pulled my hair, we kissed. I pressed harder, he pulled harder, we kissed harder. I bruised his lip, he bruised my neck. I pressed harder. I wanted so much but at the same time I had no idea what I wanted. How did we end up like that? He dug his nails into me and I pressed harder. Clothes started disappearing without me even noticing. Why weren't we worried someone would see us? We were down to boxers. His were gradually riding lower and lower. It was the strangest thing, I felt like I wanted them off but I needed them to stay on.
"Come to my locker with me," Kenny says.
I glance at him, "Were already late."
"Exactly, so it shouldn't matter how late."
I shake my head but follow him past the turn we needed to take to get to class. "What do you need from your locker?" Kenny ignores me and I don't care enough to ask again. I trail him as if we got to school an hour early, rather than close to ten minutes late. But, whatever.
Kenny rambles about girls all the way down the hallway until we're at his locker. "Are you listening?"
"Yes." Lying.
He pulls open his locker and pulls his backpack out. I wonder if he does that every day. Kenny pulls note books out of his bag and replaces them from others from his locker. "Oh," he says. I look up.
At the end of the hall Tweek is just passing around the corner into the empty hallway; empty other than us.
My face flushes and I hate myself for that. I can't help it, seeing him scared me and I hate myself for that too. I don't know what to do. He doesn't see us yet but what about when he does? Do I say hi? What if he doesn't say hi back? We never say hi to each other so why am I making this such a big deal? It's just last night...
Tweek finally sees us and we stare at each other. He looks away and my stomach drops. Tweek walks past us.
Kenny watches him and then shuts his locker. "Don't you two box?"
"Yeah."
His brows furrow in confusion. "Then why didn't you say hi?" I shrug. "Did you do that to his nose?" I nod. He laughs. "Alright, let's go."
I had to stop. I needed to stop. I wanted to keep going but I needed to stop. And when I pulled away from Tweek he didn't even say anything. His eyes fluttered open to look at me to figure out what I was doing. We never know what we're doing until we do it. I waited because I wanted him to say something but he never did. I knew he wouldn't. "Can we stop here." It wasn't a question. Well, it was but it didn't sound like one. It sounded small and weird and I knew he thought so too. He watched me for a while continuing his silence. I couldn't tell if he was mad or not but I hated the way his eyes scanned my face because what was he looking for? And why didn't he ask why?
Tweek said, "Yeah, sure." But he had to have been angry, right? He never makes a deal out of anything.
I didn't know what to do from there. Anything would've been awkward or wrong so I just picked myself up as Tweek did and we got dressed. Tweek went through the whole process, walking towards the locker room to shower probably and as much as I needed one, I just left. And now that I'm thinking about it, I forgot to lock up.
