Thanks dbakeiro again who proofed this for me.
Hello,
Sorry it took so long. :) I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 5:
Whiplash
A few months ago
There're a number of fun attractions along the way he can stop at, but he, his mind in turmoil and the steering wheel in a vice gripping, bypasses them all and heads directly toward Chicago, the start of Route 66, the corner Jackson Boulevard and Michigan Avenue. He stares at the Route 66 sign, the cars behind him loudly honking when he lingers at the light. His chest is heavy, and his lungs are ablaze. His skin itches, an uncontrolled burning sensation flowing through his veins. Tension in his chest, everything is suddenly too much, and panic starts to build, his fears and anxieties scurrying back.
Unable to get out of the car due to half traffic to visit a restaurant for food and his patience riding dangerously low, he presses his foot to petal and takes off. When he settles down—after a few deep breaths and twenty solid minutes of driving-, he stops at the Cloud Gate AKA the Bean. After paying a ridiculous amount for parking, he basks in the sun and stares at the Bean. He, skin itching, mindlessly watches the reflections of the crowd for an hour before buying a postcard and heads back to his car. While no one crosses too close to him, he feels packed in and has to get away.
With his mind in the clouds, he drives, and ends up on Lake Shore Drive, the view of the Lake to his right. Windows open, it's a beautiful drive, but yet, there's something missing. Buck, impulsively, takes the next off ramp and speeds down the side streets. Scent of the water in the air, he parks as close as he could to the shoreline of Lake Michigan and treks the rest of the way to the water's edge. It's a nice walk, the cool air feeling amazing on his face. He finds a lone bench along the semi busy shoreline and falls back into a sitting position. His ass stinging, he closes his eyes and leans back; immediately, the full force of the cold breeze hits him from the lake and sends a shiver down his back.
Yet, he doesn't move. He takes it, as he would rather feel cold than numb… or empty. While Buck doesn't enjoy the idea of driving on the open road again with no destination, it distracts his mind from the shit show that's his life, and he isn't ready to give it up just yet. He isn't ready to jump back into life, back to reality, and put back together the pieces of his life. Even now, the very thought of his future brings up waves of panic. No. No. No.
Slowly opening his eyes, he picks up his tablet—ignores the blinking message icon-, brings up an internet browser and searches for landmarks and/or tours in the surrounding areas. Within minutes, he has a long list of tours and landmarks that he's interested in, but the words 'Gangsters and Ghosts Tour' stands out and Buck is in, 110%. A loud weirdo at heart, he loves those tours even if they're tourist attractions. Sometimes these are the best-known secrets.
Hours have passed, and he's freezing, but Buck doesn't move an inch. Doesn't even think about returning to his car until the sun starts to set, a line of darkness high in the sky. The sounds of the wave put him in a trance, and he can't look away. He watches the waves crash into the shore with a vengeance, which mirrors his traitorous thoughts perfectly. His mind is a whirlwind of doubts, shame, and anger; and yet, at the same time, there's something relaxing about the hazardous water. He could sit here forever, could sleep here; in fact, it takes blood curdling screams to get him to move.
Working off reflexes, he's on his feet in seconds, and barely remembering his tablet, he dashes off toward the screams. Buck can't tell you what firefighter mode is, but a light switch has been switched in his head and he's in it. Though he no longer holds the rank, some habits die hard, and this habit is dying hard. Singular focus, Buck's heart pounding when he arrives on the scene, a cold sweat layering his forehead. Ignoring the surrounding noises, he swiftly scans the scene, taking note of anything relevant and vital. A few things pop out to him. A heavy white smoke rolls out of the tops two floors like water, and a flashing red glow fills the windows on the second. There's a crowd of people already forming, a crying mother, dressed in a bathrobe, in the front held back by another couple.
Buck freezes and contemplates his next steps, his eyes jumping among the crowd. There's an undeniable, intense pull in his chest, demanding him to jump in. His whole being is calling out for action. Yet, his training's screaming at him, reminding him of his lack of equipment. He could hear his former Captain telling him not to be an idiot, but the screams and cries of the mother breaks Buck, his body shouting at him, demanding to run into the building for the child. Having put on the gear. Having saved hundreds. Having felt the pride and bliss at reuniting loved ones, there's nothing else in the world he would rather do. He's destined to be a firefighter.
But you aren't. The voice in his head argues. You're a waste of space. You don't deserve to put on that uniform.
You betrayed the uniform. A different voice asserts. You don't get to act like a firefight now.
A third voice wiggles itself forward, a more gentle and friendly voice. But you can be a firefighter again. The voice is so tiny Buck barely hears it.
Bobby doesn't think so. The first voice interjects. And neither does Eddie.
Screw Him. Screw them! The tiny voice protested, louder and stronger than before. Screw everyone! Save those people.
"I am a firefighter." He states loudly, ignoring any pointed stares. His eyes glued on the burning building, his choice is clear. He doesn't need a family to do the job. A family makes you weak. Firmed in his choice, he worms his way through the crowd and heads to the sobbing woman. "Off duty firefighter," he tells her. He ignores his inner voice calling him a liar, his resignation flashing before his eyes. The mother, hiccupping between each word, explains that her husband went in for their child but didn't come back. Buck's heart goes out to the lady as she points out the last place, she saw them. He soaks a shirt, and ignoring everything else, runs into the burn building.
*O*O*
Knowing what to look for, Buck tracks down the father and son in record time. Unfortunately, that's where his luck runs out. The father is passed out a few feet in front of his small son, who's hidden under the bed. The flames deafening and his lungs burning, Buck heaves the man over his shoulder and stills himself to secure his grip. Once Buck is comfortable, he picks up the kid, and without wasting another second, he promptly makes his way back to the front door. Without his wet shirt mask—dropping it when he picked up the father -, the journey back to the entrance is tedious. Each step is more challenging and excruciating than the last, and the father is growing heavier with each breath. However, Buck refuses to quit and pushes forward.
Bobby's words echo in his head, a slap to the face, but he uses them as a motivator, and it works. His lungs may be on his fire, and his legs may be tingling by the time he makes it back, but he does make it back. Evan Buckley is choking out a lung, but he does get the father and son out. The loud sirens of firetrucks smack him like a closed fist as soon as he steps onto the front stoop. The ground suddenly spins, and without warning and with the father still on his back, his legs buckle, and he drops.
But before his knees hit the ground, two pairs of arms catch him. "We got you." A voice calls, startling Buck.
It takes Buck a few seconds to register the four fully geared firefighters surrounding him, even with two holding him. Buck blankly stares at them as he struggles to catch his breath, his throat dirt dry. The weight abruptly vanishes from his back, the father and son taken from him. A third firefighter wraps his arm around Buck and shoulders his weight. Words meaningless to Buck, the Firefighter Lieutenant, without waiting for a response, drags him away from the burning building toward the ambulance.
His lungs may be on fire—pun intended-, but a sense of contentment befalls him, and he feels lighter than he has felt in months. With the knowledge that his worth is not set by the 118, Buck is going to be a firefighter again. No matter the city, he is a firefighter. Buck's attention on the fire trucks in front of him—the truck unit, Squad 3, standing out to him-, he plans. He will put on that uniform again.
*O*O*
Present
For the first hour of shift, Kelly frustratedly doesn't see Buckley, though he knows Buck isn't late for shift due to an offhand comment by Gallo. At first (even if it doesn't seem like it), he's content in letting Buck avoid him, even if he has no idea why the Floater is doing so. A bit childish if you ask Kelly, but whatever. However, he can't help but wonder what he did. Serious, what did he do? He thought they were getting along, teasing and joking together, but if he thinks about it long and hard, he supposes it makes sense. Apart from a few conversions with him, Buck keeps to himself.
So, reminding himself of that, he allows Buck to avoid him for the first hour, but at 61 minutes, he's up and on a mission. The rational part of him is telling himself that he's being irrational, but he pushes that side for now. That's tomorrow's problem to contemplate, as he walks room to room. It isn't until he steps into the kitchen/common area that he catches sight of Buck's nice round backside. His eyes down, he attempts to follow that is, until Casey calls him over to discuss something shift related. Caught up with his paperwork, Kelly can't think of why, but he goes along with it, not wanting to deal with whatever is going on with Casey's face.
Kelly is used to being lectured by Matt Casey, but for some reason, it's more draining than usual and drags on for much longer than normal. Casey, his supposed Best Friend, gives him the death glare when he asks, "are you listening?"
"Yes, totally." He rolls his eyes. The answer is no, but telling Matt that would not do him any favors. In fact, he's sure Casey would drag him to Boden so they could team up against him. Though, maybe Boden could inform him why Casey is going over his reports from the last few shifts with a fine-tooth comb. If he hadn't been on the mission to track down his own Floater, Kelly might've snapped, but that is saved for Buck, not that he would yell at him.
45 minutes pass before he's free from Casey, and 5 minutes later, he hears tails of Buck sweating off 10 pounds in the station's small gym. Exasperated that he has yet to speak to Buck, Kelly zones in on Buck. It really shouldn't be this hard to get a moment with his own damn Floater, and he thinks he is finally lucky. That is until Brett intercepted him at the gym's entrance. "Hey, Brett. Just need to get past you."
"By the way he's running, I doubt he's interested in small talk." She told him, ignoring what he said. While there may be a smile on her lips, there's a warning in her eyes.
Kelly, his jaw hurting from his strained smile, asks, "Are you stopping me from seeing my own floater?" He tries to keep his tone friendly, but it's anything else.
Brett narrows her eyes, though still smiling. "Of course not, Lieutenant." She stresses his title in a way very few have done. "I just think he needs time alone."
Kelly is not scared of tiny Brett, but he's weary of the cold yet smiling expression on her face. With a deep breath, he replies, "Okay." He keeps what he wants to say to himself. While he doesn't want to admit it, Brett is probably right; besides, Kelly needs to let go of his annoyance. Judging by the heavy footsteps on the treadmill, Buck is running out whatever he's feeling. However, he isn't sure why she is only directing this 'advice' to him. Just as he turns away, a few firefighters walk past them into the gym, but he is the only one stopped. A few choice words form on his tongue, but Kelly doesn't allow himself to go down that rabbit hole, not when he notices Casey in the background, and heads to the Squad table, his feet up.
For a while, Kelly, his eyes forcefully straight forward, remains like that until the alarm rings. "Squad 3, Ambulance 61, Child trapped." Everyone jumps, even non-Squad members, though only the Squad and Paramedics dash to their vehicles, but there's no denying the extra hop in their steps when hearing the word child. With a towel around his neck, Buck dashes out onto the apparatus floor, his shirt soaked through, sweat running down his face. Kelly, from the inside of the truck, watches Buck as he jumps into his turnover gear in record time, and for some reason, he can't look away, this being his first real glimpse of Buck all day.
When Buck gets in, Kelly looks away and motions to Cruz. "Let's roll." He waves as he settles in his seat. Unconsciously, his eyes zip to the side view mirrors, spotting Buck's reflection in the reflective surface. Staring is rude, Kelly doesn't need to be told this; yet, he stares. He drinks in Buck's sweaty form while Buck's attention is on his hands.
Capp makes a comment regarding the pinned kid, and Buck's head shots up, his focus forward. His stare bounces until in some twisted fate, Buck meets Kelly's reflective stare in the mirror. Kelly sucks in his breath, and while they only lock eyes for a moment, Buck's face turns several shades of red and he promptly turns away. Even Kelly's own face is pink, though he masks it quickly, and turns his attention to Cruz.
*O*O*
When Squad 3 and Ambo 61 arrive on scene, a large crowd is already forming and blocks their view. Most of the time, Kelly ignores them and focuses on the task at hand, but with a kid involved, the rubberneckers are on his last nerves, and when he pushes through them, he has to resist the urge to shove them. Boden would not approve, but Kelly's eye twitches at the 15 additional seconds it takes. As they clear the crowd, the scene clears, and if they weren't trained firefighters, they might've fallen victim to their beating hearts. The screams of a young child strike them like an axe, but they keep their focus, their expression neutral. The young girl's right leg is unnaturally twisted in a revolving door between the metal frame and the wall. The frantic mother attempts to calm the girl, but nothing she does works, her child desperately kicking and exaggerating her injury.
Kelly points back to Squad 3. There's no way she would be able to wiggle free; they'll have to cut the girl free. "We have to cut the frame. Capp, the saw." Capp nods and dashes back to the truck.
Buckley doesn't wait for orders, kneeling down in front of the girl. "Hey," he says, his voice softer than Kelly has ever heard. "That's a neat toy," he points to the large, red stuffed fox. "What's his name?"
The girl sobs, her cries softening. "Foxy," she offers, as she tries to wiggle free. She screams again when she can't free her foot.
Buck glances up and meets Kelly's stance, a silent agreement between them. Calming the girl is Buck's task. "Hey, Hey." Buck speaks, putting a gentle, gloved hand on the top of Foxy's head. "It's okay. My friends are going to free you." The girl, weeping, shakenly nods. "My name is Evan. What's yours?" he asks, his smile taking up his entire face.
"Eva," the girl sobs.
"Well, Eva, you'll be free in no time. You just need to keep calm. Can you do that for me?" Buck asks, his voice as gently as a lamb.
Eva cries. "It hurts."
Buck has the sweetest smile Kelly has ever seen, his chest hot and tight at the sight of it. "I know it hurts." Something flashes across his eyes, though gone in a blink of an eye. "I know it's all very scary," he says, reaching out for Eva's hand. "But can I tell you something? A secret?"
Eva's large eyes are zeroed in on him. "Yes."
"I get scared too."
"You're a firefighter," Eva utters in awe.
"I am." Buck grins as he softly squeezes her hand. "But it's okay to be scared."
"It is?" The tiny voice asks.
"Yes. Can you do something for me?" Buck asks, earning a nod from Eva. "You see Foxy here. He has superpowers."
"He does?"
Buck nods flamboyantly. "He does. Did you know he's super strong? And I mean super strong." Eva, her eyes large, shakes her head. "Well, he is, so I want you to squeeze him as hard as you can."
"What if I hurt him?"
"You won't." When Eva nods and proceeds to squeeze, Buck gives Kelly the thumb up, though his focus remains on the girl. He keeps a gentle hand on her forearm.
Kelly, though an ear on Buck's conversion, turns back to Cruz and nods to the glass. With the kid calmer, it's safe to proceed. His back to Buck and Eva, Cruz swings at glass, shattering it. "Ready?" Kelly asks, exchanging stares with Cruz and Capp. Without a verbal response, he pulls at the starter cord, the saw coming alive. For the most part, Buck keeps the girl still, kicking only once, which makes the cut easy, the metal snapping like butter. The issue doesn't present itself until Kelly goes to free Ave's ankle. He isn't a doctor, but not to his surprise, the bone is snapped.
Kelly gets down to his knees, and he goes, "On the count of three."
Eva screams before they even touch her, her shrieks deafening, but Buck doesn't wink. "Hey, look at me, sweetie," he replies. "Foxy and I are here." He holds his hand out to her. "You can squeeze both of us." Which she does.
The following 120 seconds goes by in a flash, and the next thing Kelly knows is in Brett and Foster rolling little Eva into the Ambo, her hand grasping Buck's hand in a death grip. Kelly's too far away to hear, but Buck, with a beautiful smile, whispers something to her, which earns a smile from Brett and Foster. Kelly doesn't give much attention to ladies, his eyes on Buck whose eyes are bright and brilliant at this moment. In the background, Capp makes an offhanded comment about Buckley missing up all the fun as they sweep up the glass. There's a comment on the tip of Kelly's tongue, but he keeps it to himself as he joins in to help clean.
*O*O*
Two calls later, Squad 3 has a chance to breathe, and it's the first chance Cruz gets to ask, "You have kids, Buckley?"
Kelly's eyes bounce to the side video mirror, eyeing Buck's stiff form in the reflection. The smile from earlier is gone, replaced by a grimace.
It takes a second for Buckley to answer, almost like he has to think about it. "No." He takes a deep breath. "No kids." He frowns. Kelly doesn't know what to make of that, but he doesn't say anything.
Cruz, his eyes on the road, hums. "No kids?" he repeats, mostly to himself. "You handle that like a pro. Like a parent, not even her mother could calm her."
Buck shrugs, his shoulders heavy. "It was nothing. I was just calm, and Eva grabbed hold of it."
Kelly narrows his eyes, watching muscles twitch in Buckley's face. "You're not giving yourself enough credit, Buck." he states, drawing Buck's attention. "I don't think anyone else could've done a better job." Their eyes meet in the mirror, though Buck doesn't look away this time. For what feels like hours, they lock eyes, and Kelly ignores the odd tingle in his checks. He isn't sure what Buck's looking for.
"I have to agree. Capp would've scared the kid even more with that bald head." Cruz shoots out from over his shoulder.
Capp's eyes drill into the back of Cruz's seat. "I can cover that unlike your face. Your face gives children literal nightmares."
Kelly grins at Buck through the mirror before he turns his attention to his two nutcase Squad members. "You two are going to give me a nightmare."
Cruz takes one hand off the wheel and waves off Severide. "Buck, Buck is it?" he asked, both hands back on the wheel. "Short for Buckley?"
There's a pause. "Yes, there were a number of Evans in my fire class, so everyone just called me Buck, and it stuck." Buck explains, as he turns to stare at the window.
Silence falls, and a layer of awkwardness litters the air. Kelly's eyes are, once again, observing Buck's reflection. While Cruz and Capp like to tease and mock each other, they are genuinely friendly people, who would give their right arm if needed. Judging by the surprised expression on Buck's face, he wasn't expecting Cruz and Capp to make the effort to get to know him. While 51 is known throughout the CFD as a family house, it's hard to believe that no one had engaged Buck in conversion prior, and yet, Buck looks confused and lost.
Capp shoots Kelly and Cruz a concerned look before he goes, "So… Buck, how are you so good with kids?"
There's a long pause as Buck's eyes scan the truck's cab. "…A" He pauses and takes a deep breath. "A, um, former…" He puffs out his chest, his eyes dropping. "A former friend's kid." He offers slowly. He doesn't explain further, any sense of a smile gone. Buck just curls into himself.
Judging by their confused expressions, Capp and Cruz have more questions, but Kelly with a stern look shakes his head at them. Sure, Kelly doesn't know Buck, but he knows enough to know to know they hit something. Now, Kelly doesn't know what, but it has to do with that former friend. Did the friend die? Did they get into a fight? Does he sense betrayal? Whatever it was, it must've been bad.
*O*O*
As soon as Squad 3 pulls into the firehouse, Buck, not waiting for the truck to come to a complete stop, leaps out. "Hey," Kelly yells, but Buck doesn't stop, and before his feet even touch the ground, he rips off his bunker gear. "Buck." He calls, but the Floater's already across the floor.
Capp narrows his eyes, his gears spinning. "What's up with him?" he asks.
Expression matching Cruz, stepping out of the truck, replies, "It's weird. He just shut down. It's-"
While Kelly has the same questions, he won't stand for this. "Hey," he interjects as he rounds the truck. "Let's not talk about a fellow firefighter. Whatever he's going through, that's not up for discussion. Got it."
"It isn't like that," Cruz tries to argue.
Capp steps forward. "It's just weird how hot and cold he gets. You noticed, right?"
Yes, Kelly has noticed, has experienced it, and while he has questions, it won't do Buck any good if his entire team is chatting about him behind his back. If Buck is like this now, it will be worse if he hears. "Listen, I get it, but we're not going to discuss Buck behind his back, got it?" he demands, pointing a sharp finger at them.
"Got it," they both echo.
Kelly nods his head and turns to leave to track down Buckley. While he warned Cruz and Capp away, that warning does not apply to him. Kelly's going to figure out Buck even if it kills him. But just when Kelly spots the Floater, Ritter and Gallo intercept Buck and drag him toward the stove. At first, it doesn't look like Buck wants to go with them, hesitating at the door, but when Gallo states, "That Mac & Cheese was to die for," Buck settles a bit.
"And we could use some help with stew." Ritter points to the stove. "I feel like it's missing something, not sure what."
Buck's breathing is labored, and he shutters a bit, his words lost on his tongue. "I…" However, whatever protest Buck has on the tip of his tongue—and there is a protest- dies the second he notices Kelly. His eyes large, he very pointedly turns to the stove. "S-sure," Buck agrees, as he allows Ritter and Gallo to drag him to the stove. There's a heavy, immeasurable tension in his shoulder, though his face shows nothing.
So back to avoiding me. Kelly thinks to himself. He's tempted to use his rank to pull Buckley aside, but he knows how much Buck loves cooking, and he would never do that to him. Besides, Casey is staring at him again. How is that man everywhere?
*O*O*
For next few hours, he doesn't see much of Evan Buckley, who promptly leaves the room after helping Gallo and Ritter with dinner, and after two helpings of the stew, Kelly once more seeks Buckley out, annoyed at his own floater for avoiding him. However, just as he spots Buck, Casey pulls him and Herrmann aside for a meeting, a briefing that takes too damn long for his likening. Why the hell is up with Casey? By the time he spots Buck again, everyone is settled down for the night, and each knocks on wood before they bury themselves under the covers.
Buck, a rag in hand, is on the apparatus floor, cleaning Squad 3 tools. For a few minutes, Kelly ogles him, eyeing the tension in his shoulder. That tension has been there since Buck mentioned this former friend, which strengthened Kelly's earlier thoughts. There's a story about this friend. Considering how jumpy Buck is, a few theories come to mind, none put this friend in a good light. "Buck," Kelly calls, quickly crossing over to the Floater.
Said man's head snaps up. "Lieutenant," he shouts out, surprised. "Is there something I can help you with?"
"Are you okay, Buck?"
Putting down the rag, Buck, conflicted, lets out a hefty sigh. "I'm…" He drifts off, his words getting stuck in his throat.
Kelly's wrestles with his words, his tongue twisting in his mouth. He knows his next words are a risk. "I'm sure you've noticed, but this house isn't like other fire stations. Floater or not, 51 is a family, and we're here for each other, no matter what. So, if there's anything you need, we're here. We don't judge."
Buck's expression morphs, and for the first time, anger flashes beneath the surface, his lips twitching. "I'm good, Lieutenant."
"Okay, but-"
"I'm not here for a family." Buck snaps, his voice carrying. "Just here to do my job."
Blinking, Kelly's smiles slip from his face as he feels like he has been slapped in the face. Jaw locking, he does not take well at being yelled at, and honestly, if it was any other floater, Buckley would be gone. But with Buck, he isn't able to pull that trigger. For some god awful reason, Buck interests him. "Buckley." He replies, a soft but firm warning in his tone.
"Shit," Buck curses loudly, his expression dropping. "I don't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." His next few words are a jumbled mess, and Kelly has no chance of making them out.
The lieutenant takes a deep breath and studies the fear in Buckley's eyes. It's both heartbreaking and telling. No doubt, real trauma exists behind them. It is but isn't a surprise, considering the theories he has regarding this friend. However, is it possible that it runs deeper than he originally thought? "Buck, it's fine." He puts his hand up to silence him.
"Itisn' 't-"
"Buck!" Buck immediately shuts down and schools his face. Kelly's eyes drill into Buck, taking him apart inch by inch. While he knows he risks alienating Buck, he needs Buck to know this. He isn't going anywhere if Buck wants to lean on him, Floater or not. "I stand by what I said earlier. If you need to talk or anything, we're here. I'm here." He winks at the word 'I', which he will not ponder.
Buck slowly nods, shaking slightly. An awkward silence falls for a minute, as Buck's eyes drop. With a deep breath, he throws down the towel and spouts loudly, "I'm… I'm just going to sleep." Buck sharply but shaky inhales, and Kelly almost misses it, but in this sharp intake, there is a sob. Try as he might, he could not hide it. Buck sobbed.
Kelly, his heart tight, really wants to punch someone now, and while he has never met this friend, he is a perfect outlet for this anger. Stop it. With a deep breath, he refocuses on Buck. Punch people later. "I'll put these away." There're a few things that Kelly wants to say, but he decides now would not be a good time. Buck is a corner animal right now.
Judging by the twitch in Buck's lip, he wants to argue, but he doesn't. Instead, he nods and walks toward the bunkers, passing Brett who gives Kelly a hard stare. Geez, he thought. He has no idea how he got on Brett's bad side, but he doesn't like it. Once Buck disappears down the hallway, she—on a mission- makes toward him, but before she could reach him, the bell rings. Saved by the bell.
"Ambulance 61, Truck 81, Engine 51, Squad 3, apartment fire."
Any thoughts of Buck disappear, and Brett's pointed stare vanishes as everyone races to the trucks.
Author note:
Kelly may or may not be going crazy at this point, Buck driving him nuts. LOL But it seems like he is slowly putting the pieces together. Now, let hopes Casey and Brett let him do it.
Let me know what you think!
