No beta this week, so errors are all on me!
This is my largest chapter to date, i hope you like it! Let me know what you think.
Please note: I am referring to Kelly's eyes as green. I don't know if I would call them green as Taylor Kinney's eyes look blueish in some picture, but that is what google refers to them as, so I am going with Google. Either way, he has pretty eyes
Chapter 6:
Runnin'
A few months ago
Maddie Buckley isn't an idiot. While she doesn't know the full extent—Evan keeping everything close the vest-, she knows there's a rift between her brother and the 118. At first, Maddie plays it off, believing everything will work itself out. Although Maddie stands behind her brother 100%, she understands how the house would be tense for a week or so as they work out their issues. Her brother, good reason or not—Maddie will never fault Evan-, did revealed 118's secrets to his lawyer, and without a doubt, his coworkers- his family- must've felt betrayed. Maddie understands this.
Lawsuits are messy and awkward; most people don't fully understand until after the shit hit the fan, which is far too late. So yes, Maddie, unlike Evan, expected some blow back and was/is prepared to be Evan's sounding board. While she never says that aloud to him, she seeks him out more, calls him more, and invites him out more. At first, she believes her plan is working, spotting a wispy smile on his face numerous times. Yet for each smile, there's a frown. Evan thinks he hides it, but she can spot the sadness lingering deep beneath his skin.
At Halloween, Maddie thinks they're at a turning point after Evan saves a guy stuck in the windshield of a car for days. There's a new energy within him, the likes Maddie hasn't seen in weeks, and the big sister in her is overjoyed, thrilled. She's getting her happy go lucky brother back, but that happiness doesn't last. She spots the familiar frown on Evan's face a few days later, but this one is different. It's harder, sadder, and… Maddie can't explain besides the fact that Evan is even more reserved, and she doesn't like it.
For weeks, she avoids going to Howie regarding this, as she doesn't want to go behind Evan's back. From day one, he made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want her getting involved, and he especially doesn't want her to bug Howard about this. He almost panics over the thought. Maddie can understand he doesn't want a 'mother' coming in to save him, but it bugs the crap out of her to sit back. Evan is her baby brother, damn it, and she wants to protect him.
Why can't he just let her in? What is he worried about? She will never pick Howie over him. He has to know this, right? What does Evan think he's protecting her from? The only things Maddie can come up with makes her cry, the cruelest of things flooding her mind. But could the 118 be that cruel? The very thought feels wrong. The 118 couldn't be that cruel, lawsuit or not. They are a family. Hen and Chimney are Evan's two loving older siblings who tease him endlessly while at the same time taking down anyone who looks at him funny. Bobby is a proud father who beams and boasts every time Evan did anything. And then there is Eddie. Maddie lets out a sigh. There's so much Maddie can say about Eddie. So much.
Maddie lets out a deep wounded sigh. She called Evan the day before, her worry through the roof, but no answer. Does Evan answer all the time? No, but something feels off this time. Dread blooms in her stomach with each unanswered call; yet she talks herself down. After a rough day (especially when you're firefighter), it's common to want a night to cool off, and Maddie, unwisely, gives him that, though just the night.
By 7:30am, she, on a mission, is up and dressed, ignoring Howie, as she walks out the door; nothing is going to stop her. In recording time (speeding), she pulls up at Evan's apartment building and is out of the car by the time the clock hits 8am. She has tunnel vision, her focus completely on her depressed brother, but she clocks a moving truck when the movers exit the building with a familiar looking sofa. Hmm, most be a popular black sofa. She ignores the probing question—the fear- in her gut as she makes her way to elevator.
The protective elevator cover the landlord put up walls strikes her like an open palm slap. Her heart chills and the air in her lungs heats up, fear taking over. Breathe! Maddie exhales slowly in a shoddy attempt to calm herself. "Evan is fine. Evan is fine." She repeats. "It's someone else." She can hear the shiver in her own voice. "It's fine. Someone else is moving, and they just so happen to have the same sofa." Maddie breathes deeply through her nose, her jaw unnaturally stiff, as she stares at the digital floor number on the elevator panel. "You're worrying for nothing. Evan's fine."
When the elevator slows and stops at Evan's floor, Maddie immediately steps forward, her nose almost tapping the doors. "Come on. Come one." She hisses, the doors not opening fast enough. Her frustration and worry are seconds away from bursting, and her nerves drive her forward. She doesn't wait for the creaky doors to fully open before she turns to the side and slides through the door. She nearly gives the person waiting for the elevator a heart attack, as she nearly collides with them. With her so focus on Evan, she barely spits out a "Sorry" before she is half way down the hall.
At first when she spots Evan's door, relief floods her, and she can finally breath, but that relief is short lived when she steps into the doorway of his apartment. His chest tightens painfully, like she was dosed with ice cold water, and her heart soars. The nurse in her freaks, her heart seconds from exploding from her chest. All that fear she felt earlier doubles and the room spins. She's going to be sick as she glazes upon her brother's apartment. She-
"Excuses us, Miss."
Maddie jumps, the air in her lungs gone. "What?" She utters, grasping for air, as she turns around.
The older of the two men points to Evan's door and replies, "Excuses us."
Mostly out of shock, she moves to the side and allows the men through before her brain can catch up. It takes a second for her to collect her thoughts and follow them in. "Wait!" she exclaims, her breathing shadow. "Wait! What are you doing? This is my brother's apartment."
The two don't stop, but the older man glances over his shoulder at her, his stare chilly. "We're doin' what we're paid to do." He nods at his partner, and they make their way to the large coffee table in the living room.
Maddie, her emotions bubbling up in her, takes a deep breath as she crosses to them. "Stop," she hisses, placing her hand on the coffee table. "Just stop. What's going on here?" She demands.
The two men share a quick glance before the older one replies. "Listen, Lady. We aren't told the why. We're just paid to move stuff, which is what we are doin'" He gives her a sad, exasperated smile. "Maybe, you should call your brother."
It takes all of her self-control not to snap on his man. It isn't his fault she knows. He doesn't know she has been trying to call Evan all last night. I suppose it won't hurt to try again. She nods and step back as she reaches into her purse for her phone. Turning away, she dials her brother, but once more, there's no answer, the call going straight to voicemail. She, while knowing it's pointless, tries a few more times. She puts her blinders and pretends the movers aren't leaving Buck's table. After the sixth time of getting his voicemail, something snaps in her and she's really to pull out her hair. Tears fall as she replays her last conversion with Evan.
"Miss Buckley?"
Again, Maddie jumps at the sudden voice behind her. "Y-Yes," she replies, wiping the tears away before she turns around. She recognizes the middle-aged woman as Evan's nice, sweet neighbor, a woman Evan mentioned a few times. He had mentioned the name, but she doesn't recall it now.
"Hi. Maddie, is it?"
Maddie nods and, without a beat, pushes forward, "Do you know what's going on? Do you know where my brother is?"
The woman's eyes go sad, and her smile disappears. "He's gone, Honey."
Maddie ignores being called Honey—this woman is only a few years older than her—and asks, more like demands, "What do you mean by gone?!" There's no way that Evan is gone. No way. They promised each other they wouldn't leave the other behind anymore. He just wouldn't.
"I mean he's gone. He-"
Maddie's eye twitches. "Gone where?" she interrupts. She doesn't want to hear that word again.
The neighbor takes a deep breath and replies, "He took off yesterday. I don't know where." She pauses, her eyes drifting to the window. "He…" She shakes her head. "I don't know what happened. He wouldn't tell me. He just asked that I let the movers in, and I agreed." She takes a deep breath. "He was so sad. Broke my heart."
It isn't the end of the word. Maybe, he's just moving across the city or the next city over? "Did he tell you where-"
"H- Miss B—Maddie," the lady interrupts, softly, as she struggles over her words. "The… The movers aren't taking his stuff to another address. They're taking it to a storage facility for long term storage. I don't know where he went."
Maddie's heart stops. It feels like someone had shot her in the chest and she suddenly can't breathe. She's grasping. She knows what that means. She knows what happened. She knows what he's doing: he's running. She had thought he was over running after finding the 118, his family. But the 118 isn't that family anymore, her traitorous mind supplies. No, they aren't, and Maddie has to chew down the sob on her tongue. She doesn't want to believe it, but it makes sense. Evan is running. Knowing her brother, he probably doesn't even know where he is going.
Maddie can't tell you what the woman said next as she's already out the door, an intense anger pushing her forward. All of that worry and concern she feels turns into pure fury, which she's ready to unload on the 118.
*O*O*
By the time Maddie pulls up to the 118, she's boiling. No one, not even her boyfriend, will be safe from her pained fury. Captain Nash may need to call the cops to drag her out, and honestly, she hopes he tries. She hopes it's Athena who comes, so she can tell the Officer what her Husband has done to their favorite firefighter. Nash would be done for.
Yes, a part of her blames herself for this as she knew something was up, knew something was wrong, but she did nothing. She talked herself down. Didn't push. Now, she wished she hadn't listened to her brother, but she was too wrapped up in her own happiness with Howie. Finally happy, she didn't want to admit something was wrong, didn't want to admit life wasn't prefect. After Doug, she selfishly didn't want to give up her happiness, and because of that, Evan got hurt. She will never forgive herself. However, that doesn't mean she isn't going to rip the 118 apart, because she is. She is going to demand the fucken truth, make they verbalize what they did to her brother, and then, she's going to stuff it up their ass.
Maddie stays in her car for a minute, practicing the breathing technique her therapist had shown her. She breathes in and out, trying to clear her mind, but it goes right back to Evan and him quitting his dream job, a job he fought so hard for. An image of her brother crying in his car as he drives a way fills her mind and shakes her to her core. Unable to rid herself of this image, she gives up on the breathing technique; there's no chance in hell that any breathing technique will work. Though she knows this isn't healthy, she gives into her anger as the alternative is drowning in her own guilt. Anger is more appealing, and heck, it feels good. It gives her something to focus on, gives her an outlet. Her therapist will give her a mouth full later, but she would deal with that then.
A permanent scowl on her face, Maddie gets out of her car and stomps across the parking lot. She doesn't hesitate at the bay doors, ignoring any pointed stares. Her dramatic entrance startles a few firefighters, who step back and gives her a wide berth. She pays no attention to their shock, worried expressions, her cold stare on her boyfriend… Or ex-boyfriend. She hasn't made up her mind yet. She supposes it depends on whatever he says.
Chimney's eyes light up when he spots Maddie, though concern flickers across his face when he notices her stern expression. "Hey, is everything alright?" He asks. "Hey." He reaches out to her, when he does not get the response, he expects. His eyes go large when she visibly flinches at his extend hands. "Maddie?"
"Did-"
"Maddie!" Hen calls, rushing over. "Have you seen Buck? He hasn't show up for work, and Bobby-" Hen stop dead in her tracks, spotting the scowl. "Maddie, what's wrong."
Taking a deep breath, Maddie's eyes darts between the two, her chest on fire. "Bobby what?"
Howie, shock and confused, tilts his head to the side. "Hey, talk to us? Talk to me." His hand twitches at his hand, as he forcefully keeps his hand at his side.
"Bob-" Maddie's word die on her tongue as she catches sight of Bobby on the second floor and Eddie at the top of the steps. Her anger flares at the sight of her brother's supposed best friend. Fuck him. How dare he call Evan his best friend and treat him like shit? You don't know that. You don't know what your brother was going through. Her mind interjects. For a second, her anger falters, as she truly doesn't know what happened. However, it doesn't stay gone for long when Eddie with a cheeky smile glances up at Bobby, words passing between them. Maddie can't make out what they're saying but hearing Eddie's voice set the fire in her heart ablaze again.
"Maddie?" Howard calls again. Hen has taken a step back, but she still keeps close.
"What the hell did you do to my brother?!" The words explode out of Maddie, the fire spreading throughout her entire body. Every head in the fire station snap to her, frozen in their last action.
"Wh-no… I.." Howard's words are a jumble mess. "M-Maddie?"
Hen, who glances at Howard, takes toward Maddie. "Maddie, l-"
Maddie shoots her the dirtiest look Hen has ever seen on the elder Buckley's face. "What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Brother?" she asks again, this time slower. From the corner of her eye, she can see Bobby and Eddie quickly make their way down the steps. No one says anything for a while, each just looking at each other. The air is thick with tension: both anger and guilt. It is suffocating, and Maddie just want to scream to is hoarse. "Howie."
"We didn't anything to Buck." Eddie shots out, as he finally makes it the bottom of the steps. He's standing stiff as a statue a few feet back from Howard and Hen with his hands fold across his chest.
Hen's eyes go large in shock for a split second before she schools her expression. "Eddie!" She exclaims loudly, shooting him a warning glare.
Maddie's anger breaks for a moment, utterly stunned by the coldness in Eddie's voice. In all the time she has known the man, she has never heard a cold tone from him, especially not when he's talking about Buck. Buck and Eddie are—were connected at the hip. Brother in arms. Partners in crimes…
Not heeding Hen's warning, Eddie continues on, "Anything that happened to Buck is his own damn fault. He brought this on himself."
That guilt Maddie felt early is back full force as she stared at Eddie. How the fuck did she miss this? Yes, she knew things were- are tense, but she never realizes It's bad. "Excuse me?!" she asks, her voice cracking.
Bobby puts a hand on Eddie's shoulder. "Eddie, no."
Eddie shakes off his Captain's hand and takes a step forward. "Any coldness, any hostility, is on him. He couldn't deal with Bobby telling him no, and like baby, he went to a lawyer. He didn't-"
Maddie just snaps. Maybe, it's the tone of his voice. Maybe, it's Eddie's lack of remorse. Maybe, she's simply angry, but she stomps over to him, and before she knows what she's doing, her hand is raised. The sound of a hand hitting skin echoes across the floor, followed by the sounds of her name called several times over. While she doesn't and will never support hitting someone, she will make an exception here, especially after hearing that satisfying crack of Eddie's neck.
She would've gladly slap him again if her boyfriend hasn't hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her back. "Maddie!" Howie yells in utter disbelief.
"Why-" Eddie starts, his cheek stinging, before Bobby cuts him by jumping between them and shoving Eddie back. While Diaz is fluming, it takes less energy to hold Eddie back than it does Maddie, who is twisting and writhing in Howard's arms. Bobby looks between Eddie and Maddie, his brow creased and his eye twitching. "Enough." He yells, full on Captain mode. If any firefighter is still working, they halt and stare. No one is working when they hear their Captain yelling. "Maddie, I will not have this in my firehouse. You need to leave."
At this point, Maddie doesn't fucken care what Bobby or anyone else thinks. Her brother is gone. He's hurting, suffering in silence, and there's nothing she can do for him. He's alone. Well, not completely nothing. She can kick Eddie where the sun doesn't shine. If she gets free of Howard's grip, she will pop Eddie again, a close fist this time.
"What the Hell?!" Eddie finally explodes, as he looks over Bobby's shoulder at the struggling Elder Buckley.
Maddie feels like she ran a marathon as her heart pounds in her chest. "He's gone!" she screams. "My brother is gone!"
Hen stiffens. "What do you mean he's gone?"
Maddie stops struggling long enough to glare at Hen. While she may not know the entire story, she knows enough. She knows her brother was mistreated at this fucken firehouse for months, been ignored for months. Been treated like shit, and while she doesn't know if Hen or her boyfriend joined in the bullying, they did nothing to stop it. For her, that's enough. "He left. He packed up some of stuff, put the rest in storage and drove off!" she hisses. From the corner of her eye, she can see Eddie stiffen, but she doesn't care.
Howard's hands drop to his side in shock. "What? I don't understand. You let-"
"I DID NOT LET HIM." She screams, her throat dry. "He was gone before I even showed up. The movers were already there in his apartment. He's not answering my calls. Everything is going to voicemail." A giant sob works its way up her chest, her heart constricting painfully. "He's gone, no note. No voicemail. No nothing. I don't know where's he's going. If he'll be back." She can't keep back the sob, and tears start running down her cheeks.
"Coward." Eddie interjects, his eyes cold. "He sues us and yet, he's the victim. Good ridden. He's fucken exhausting."
Bobby looks scandalous at Eddie's words. "Eddie," he yells, a realization dawning on him. A switch goes off in his head.
"No," Eddie protests, his fists balling at his side. "This is on him! He did this all on his own. He went to the lawyer on his own. He spilled our secrets on his, betraying his firehouse. His friends… me!" Me is filled with so much emotion that it felt like a punch. "And now, he abandoned Christopher. So, fuck him. He can't cry now. Let him drive off a cliff."
If Maddie thought she was angry before, she's on fire now and lunges at him, though Howard catches her before her fist can make contact. "I can't believe he ever called you his best friend!" she hisses. This has to be some cosmos joke, right? Eddie is—was Evan's… Eddie was… Maddie shakes that thought from her head. She refuses to think along those lines anymore, not now. Not ever.
Before Eddie can say whatever insult is on his tongue, Bobby stands between them, one hand on Eddie's chest and other extended out to Maddie. "Enough! Maddie, I get you're upset, but this is a firehouse. I can't have this here." He holds Maddie's eyes, her heated stare, for a few seconds before saying, "I'm sorry…" he starts before shakes his head, the words dying on his tongue. "…It's time for you to leave, Maddie."
Maddie stops struggling and goes still. "And Evan just gets strewed."
"Maddie-"
"No, my brother gets treated like a leper and you let it happen!" She points a sharp figure at Bobby. "You're just as bad as him." She may not know what specifically they did to her brother, but she blames Bobby for all of it. "What kind of Captain are you?" Her voice carries across the apparatus floor.
There's a mixture of emotions on Bobby's face, a conflict of words hanging in the air. "Madd-"
"Is everything okay in here?"
The entire house goes silent, so quiet a pin dropping can be heard. There by the engine stands the district chief, spotting a very neutral, though cold stare. Behind him is an unknown firefighter.
"Sir," Bobby automatically straightens. "Chief Hernández. I wasn't aware you were stopping by."
Hernández glances around the room, everyone snaps away as if they aren't watching the scene in front of them. "I wanted to check in with you, Captain Nash, while dropping off your floater for the foreseeable future." His eyes drop to the red mark on Eddie's face. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, Miss Buckley is just leaving," Bobby replies, as he shots Howard a look.
"Buckley?" Hernández hums. "Related to the Evan Buckley?" he asks, his right eyebrow going up.
It makes logically sense that the 118 needs a floater with Evan gone. Maddie knows this, but it still feels like someone has punched her in the gut, reality solidifying. Before, she could pretend this is happening, but it's real now. Evan is gone, and she has no idea if she will ever see him again. "Yes, my brother."
Hernández nods, an understanding in his eyes. "He's the firefighter that I wanted to speak with you, Captain Nash. If you may," he speaks, pointing in the direction of Bobby's office.
Bobby's eyes bounce between Eddie and Maddie before he nods and turns away. "This way." Hernández, while the floater heads to the locker room, follows Bobby to his office. Bobby shoots them all a warning with his eyes.
Maddie, trembling at hearing Evan's name rolling off Chief's tongue, waits for Hernández and Nash to disappear up the steps prior to returning her heated stare back on Howard, only on him. At this point, if she acknowledges Eddie anymore, she will have to be dragged out by the cops; plus, any fight she had disappeared when Hernández mentioned her brother. She can't be here anymore. "Howard," she starts firmly. "Don't bother coming home."
"Maddie..." Howard's voice breaks
Hen takes a hesitated step forward. "Maddie," she calls, her face fallen and completely heartbroken. "Lis-"
"If I have to choose between Evan and you guys. I'm choosing Evan, no contest." Maddie doesn't waste another second on them and walks away.
Eddie, though she doesn't care what he says anymore, mutters under his breath, "Buck will be back after he's done with his little tantrum. He just wants us to feel bad." Hen, her tone gloomy and miserable, loudly chastises Eddie, but Maddie doesn't care. She's done with the 118. She isn't sure what she's going to do regarding Howie, but for now, she needs space. She needs to time to process what happened.
As she exits the firehouse, she spots Athena pulling up in her police vehicle, and at first, she isn't going to acknowledge her arrival, but Athena intercepts her when she spots the sour look on her face. "Hey Hun, what's wrong?" Athena goes into parent mood, her concern written on her face.
Maddie can't go over this again, can't have this conversion again. While Athena, unlike the 118, is innocent in this, she will break down if she has to tell one more person that Evan is gone. "Go ask your husband." She hisses as she dodges Athena's out reached hand. "Ask him what they did to my brother." As she climbs into her, she clocks the look of surprise on her face, but she doesn't offer anything else. She doesn't care too and just takes off.
If Maddie had stuck around, she might've learned that Chief Hernández is both baffled and disappointed over Evan Buckley's resignation.
*O*O*
Present
Evan 'Buck' Buckley wants to bury his face in his pillow and scream. He wants to hide for all eternally and never come out. He can't believe he yelled at Lieutenant Severide, especially over something so utterly stupid. Over the word family. Over family! The very thought turns his face red in shame. It isn't Severide's fault that Buck has issues. That his issues have issues. Baggage up the ass! If the Lieutenant only knew, he wouldn't be smiling at him with those beautiful green eyes, and he definitely wouldn't be so nice to him. Buck doesn't deserve his nice words. There's no doubt they—Firehouse 51—would treat him cruelly if they knew the truth. If they knew about the lawsuit. This may be Chicago, but they're brothers in arms, no matter the city, and no doubt they would be just as upset hearing about the betrayal.
The thought of 51 learning about the lawsuit scares the crap out of him. Granted, that thought scares him. Why does he care what they think? 51 is not his station. None of these guys are his friends. They are definitely not his family, which is what he wanted—wants. Wants, damn it. He doesn't want friends or a family. This is why he rejects permanent placements, even if he needs money. Staying too long at one house will only hurt him. No doubt that he'll get attached because of his big fucken heart. Buck doesn't know how not to get attached. His heart is too big for his own good.
Stupid heart.
And stupid Lieutenant Severide and his stupid, gorgeous green eyes.
Buck hasn't known the Lieutenant for long and has no idea why his opinion matters, but if those soft green eyes ever turn on him, Buck won't be able to come back from that. Not again. A pair of furious chocolate eyes flashes across his vision, a haunting echo that he wishes to forget. You're exhausting. A shiver runs down Buck's back as those cruel eyes cut through him like a sharp knife. His heart skips thinking about Eddie, his knees butter beneath him. So, he will do whatever it takes not to have those green eyes glare down at him like the fuck up that Buck is.
Not that it matters what Severide thinks of him. Buck will be gone soon enough… Well, whenever Ferraris returns. You can ask for reassignment. His mind supplies, though there will be questions. He's sure the CFD would love to hear how unstable he is when he explains why he wants to leave 51. Why he can't serve under a great Lieutenant. No, stop it, he yells himself. Buck forces that though down his throat and shakes his head. He just needs to finish this shift, and he will have 48 hours free of Lieutenant Kelly Severide.
*O*O*
An hour left of shift, Chief Boden approaches Buck, exhaustion written across his brow. "Buckley, with me." he orders when he spots the Floater in the common/dining area. Ritter and Gallo were picking his brain over food choices.
Nash's cold, judgmental eyes replace Boden's and Buck stiffens. "Yes, Chief Boden." he replies, masking the shiver that ran down his spine. Prior to the lawsuit, meetings with Bobby were fun, ending in smiles and laughs. Post lawsuit, they ended with nasty, condescending lectures and cold glares before Bobby tossed him a broom. Afterwhile, Buck learned to avoid Bobby's reprimands and disappointed stares by staying silent, staying 20 feet away and by keeping busy. By keep busy, he means cleaning the station. He-
"Is something wrong, Chief?" Severide's gentle, firm voice cuts through Buck's haze, and the energy changes in the room, settling the turmoil in Buck's stomach. "Something that-"
Boden's narrow eyes bounce between the two the before settling on Buck. "No, nothing wrong. Just need to speak to Buckley. So, if you will," he waves in the direction of his office. He doesn't wait for an answer, expecting Buck to follow.
"Yea, Sir." Buck puts on a smile, forcing his eyes away from Severide and his safe green eyes. Stupid, Buckley. Focus. Buck curses at himself and forces himself to move, one foot forward at a time. You need to man up. If all it takes is for a guy to smile at him, he's screwed. Do you want to get hurt again? No. Then you can't let people in. You can't open your heart. Buck takes a deep breath, hoping his heart could stay strong and not fall into the same traps.
*O*O*
Boden may have stated Buck isn't trouble, but 'Buck is a screw up' has been coded into his Buck's DNA since childhood, and Bobby and Eddie have engrained that belief deeper. It overrides everything, including any sense of contentment gifted to him by Severide's smile. So, while Boden says Buck is not in trouble, Buck isn't going to believe that until he leaves Boden's office. "Sir?" Buck prompts, his voice shaky, as they step into his office.
Boden doesn't say anything at first, just eyeballing his stiff form. "Is everything okay, Buckley?"
"Yes, Sir." While trying to relax his shoulders, Buck straightens himself and smile. "Everything is good." Buck's smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, though forced smiles never do. "Is that why you called me in here? To check on me?" He doesn't recall the last time Bobby checked on him.
"No." Boden takes seat behind his desk, watching the slight flicker in Buck's eyes. "But I do care about the firefighters under my supervision, which includes you." He pauses a second before saying, "I called you in for another reason. Normally, we would mark a Floater unavailable when he's on a long-term assignment. However, you're being personally requested by Firehouse 40 to cover a shift."
"Oh?" Buck visibly deflates, releasing the breath he didn't know he's holding. "When?" He never says no to a shift, regardless how tire he is. Besides, he's losing out on anything by working 48 hours straight. He doesn't have a life outside of work. Honestly, he would rather be working, too scared about turning into Buck 1.0
"The following shift. Sorry for the short notice. Being your Chief—temporary or not-, I wanted to check in with you first. Are you good with working a double?"
Today's shift has been exhausting, especially when he is still overthinking his last conversion with Severide and got no rest the night before. "Yea, I'm good."
Though Boden seemingly accepted the answer, his eyes have not left Buck's face. "You can leave 30 minutes early today so you can make it to Firehouse 40 in time."
"And Lieutenant Severide?"
"I will let Severide know. It shouldn't be an issue."
Buck nods and turns away slowly, though he doesn't make it a step before he turns back. "You said I was requested, Sir. Was there are particular reason why?" Buck knows his reputation, which he worked his ass on to grow. It's the only thing that he cares about; yet, it always surprises him when a Lieutenant pick him to join them on the truck. "Surely, they could've picked a different floater."
Boden leans back in his chair, his eyes dropping to Buck's jittery right hand. "Quite a few floaters have walked through those doors, and I can count on one hand how many floaters have your drive, your passion." He pauses, looking back up to Buck's face. I assume you're getting recruited, but I hear you enjoy being a floater."
Yes, Buck enjoys being a floater as it gives him the freedom to do the job, he loves without getting attached to a specific house or people. "If Firehouse 40 is looking for a permanent member, I'm sure there're other floaters, who has been here longer, who deserve the spot more than I do." Deserve. The word echoes loudly in his head. He doesn't deserve anything.
"You should give yourself more credit, Buckley."
Credit. There's another word that echoes in his head, almost deafening. Severide had excused Buck of the same thing. Buck can't tell you why it hurts. "Just doing my job, Sir." Boden takes a deep breath, his expression soft. "If that is all."
Boden's eyes scan the Floater's entire body, taking note of each twitch in Buck's stiff form. "Permanent spots are hard to come by," he replies, ignoring the request of a dismissal. "And you do yourself a disservice by turning them down." Mindlessly, he picks at the files on his desk. "I understand going from a part time a Floater to a full time Firefighter is an adjustment, but judging by your reputation, it's a challenge that's worth your attention. Maybe, in 6 or so years, you could be a Lieutenant if you work at it. Let yourself be recruited."
Lieutenant? How can Boden even say that? Obvious, he doesn't know who he is talking to. He doesn't know Buck, so he can't say that. He just can't. Buck, choking down a breath, isn't sure what Boden wants him to say, but he wants to tell the Chief that his opinion will change given enough time. After any long period of time spent with him, they will see him for what he is. He's exhausting. He's selfish, and all he's good for is grunt work. "Is that all, Sir?" he asks, pretending there isn't a crack in his voice
You're exhausting.
Boden exhales, forcing whatever he is thinking down, and slowly swallows his thoughts. He replies with, "It is."
Buck nods one last time before he turns to leave, his heart finally settling. However, it's through the roof again when he spots Severide leaning against a door across the bullpen, his eyes on him. Concern laces his warm stare, but it vanishes when their eyes meet, and Severide smiles. Buck tries with all of his might to ignore the heat that nestles in his stomach at the sight of it, but it's addiction. He could drown in it given enough time.
"Bu-" Severide doesn't even get Buck's name out before Boden steps out office and calls him in. "Severide." He waves over.
No, Buck isn't booking it out of firehouse 51 because his stomach is doing somersaults. It's definitely not because one smile from Severide has his heart skipping. Yes, definitely not that. Totally not falling for a fellow firefighter again. No, he is booking it out of firehouse 51 so he can make it to Firehouse 40 on time. And if he looks like a totally goof ball to the rest of the station, so be it. Any of their questions can be left for another day, including Captain Matt Casey's, who is shooting him concern stares.
*O*O*
Firehouse 40 is different from Firehouse 51, almost strikingly so. No, not in a bad way. Each of the guys are nice, and Lieutenant Greg Grainger is extremely polite. "Firefighter Evan Buckley," the Lieutenant Grainger greets immediately, his hand out reached to shake. "Lieutenant Greg Grainger."
"That's me." Buck takes Grainger's hand, not offering up his nickname like he has done so to Severide.
"Let's me show you around." Grainger gives Buck a tour of the station and a onceover on the trucks on Engine 40, the truck he will be floating on. It's nice, but yet, something is missing. Buck can't explain; he really can't… Well, he supposes he could, but there's a chilling sensation in his chess when he pokes at it. He's self-aware enough to know this started after floating at Firehouse 51. Before, he never cared about the firehouse he subbed at. What is—
No, Bucks quickly shuts down that thought process and heads to the bunker for a nap. No one questions it, knowing he just worked a shift. Heck, they even direct him to an empty bed, almost shoving him into it. His body just sinks into the spare bed, both his body and soul, though it takes for a few seconds to settle his nerves, before he falls into a light sleep. They are on fire surrounded by chatting strangers, and unfortunately, he only gets an hour of sleep before the bells ring and is tripping over his feet as he runs to the truck.
*O*O*
The next moments are a blur. No one see the SUV until it's too late, Buck being the first. "Watch out!" he yells, his croaked. Heads snap up, everyone stunned. The uniform cops closest to the car barely have time to dive out of the way, nearly getting hit. If the car hasn't been speeding, it wouldn't have been an issue, but the car is double the limit, and the driver is reacting far too slow. Judging by the surprise expression on the driver face, he hasn't noticed the police's presence until they are directly in his sights. Unfortunately, Buck, his heart in his mouth, and plainclothes Officer are in the direct path of the car. Working off reflex, he grabs the cop and leaps out of the way. Buck isn't sure if he manages to dodge the car, his mind numbed by the pain of his shoulder slamming into the concrete. A sharp pain shots through down his right arm to his elbow, and his entire arm goes numb, painfully numb.
Bucks doesn't know long time he's on the ground, but the plainclothes officer has him by his shoulders and manhandle him to his feet, while saying, "Thanks. Are you okay, Bubby?"
The words are just whispers in the air, and it takes the screeches of tires and whistling sounds of metals hitting metal to snap Buck out of his daze. The pain is still there, just nestled deep beneath the skin, but he concentrates on the aftermath of the distracted driver. The spending SVU has smashed into the back victim's now vacant car, pancaked against it. Luckily, the victim, a possible witness, was removed a minute earlier and is with the paramedics, as Buck doubts the woman would've lived through the second crash. The back of her car is gone, the mangle seats pushed up into the front seats, and both vehicles were sent flying into a light post, shards of metal everywhere.
"I'm fine," comes Buck's delayed replies. Several feet away, Grainger, having drove out of the way, pushes himself up to his feet. The vein popping on Grainger's forehead, he quickly scans the new accident scene before he makes visional contact with each his crew, including Buck. Once he's satisfied that his team is okay, he turns his sights back to the car. His voice is hoarse, shouting orders.
But Buck's focus is on the swaying light post that is teetering back and forth from the impact, the foundation destroyed. The crew of Engine 40's eyes are solely on the SUV, flames erupting from what used to be the engine. Grainger is yelling out orders, though Evan hears none of them. "Buckley!" Grainger yells.
Buck's eyes go large when the light post dips dangerously. "Lieutenant!" He doesn't wait and makes a beeline to Grainger. The lieutenant, who's attention on the burning car and the man trapped inside, has not noticed the post swaying or Buck. He doesn't even look up before his and Buck's bodies collide, their legs a tangled mess, and they tumble to the side. Buck, black spots dancing across his vision, hits the same shoulder he hit a minute ago, but his aggrieved groan is masked by the shrieks of metal breaking, the light post collapsing. Sparks fly when the glass of lightbulb smashes into the concrete at the very spot Grainger stood seconds ago. Buck blanks for a second as the pain roars up, from his shoulder to his elbow, and overwrites everything. "Shit," he curses.
"Shit," Grainger echoes, though for a different reason, as he stares at the spot, he previously occupied. "Shit." He shakes his head and turns back to Buckley. "That was close." He doesn't waste any time getting back on his feet, waving off any concerned look pointed their way. "You good, Buckley?" He turns his probing stare at Buckley, his eyes lingering far too long for Buck's likening.
Buck knows Grainger wants honesty, but he freezes up. His chest seizes up and Grainger's concern eyes morphs into Bobby's scrutinizing, callous eyes, and he can't bite back his trained response. "I'm good." Buck is not good, but it's fine. He's fine. He can do this. He signed up for this. Whatever he needs to do, he will do it. He refuses to be a burden. Refuses to be exhausting. He is going to be useful. "I'm good." He repeats, though mostly to himself
Grainger smiles and pats him on the shoulder. "Owe you a drink at Molly's."
Becoming a pro at attempting drinks he will not accept, he smiles. No Buck does not flinch at another free drink at Molly's. That is the last thing on his mind, especially if it involves stepping into a firefighter bar. He only needs to be useful at his job, not make friends, because goddamn it, he can't be rejected again.
*O*O*
A few calls and a dark sky later, Buck's entire upper right side is throbbing, and no, he doesn't tell anyone. Instead, when the engine returns to the station, Buck stinks into the nearest chair and doesn't move. Mostly, Buck is left alone with only Grainger checking on him twice, but the Floater is smiles both times. Buck wonders what he must look like, though that thought sours quickly. His heart tightens in his chest, his hand flying to his chest, and with no care his pain, he jumps to his feet and grabs a broom. He is not going to sit around, looking like a crazy man, and do nothing, pain or no pain.
Breathing through his pain, he turns to the apparatus floor. Normally, he would put in his headphones and lose himself in the music, but his headphones are in his temporary locker across the fire station and if he walks to the lockers, he will collapse from the severe pain, which cannot happen. No one can see him weak. Instead, Buck wobbles in place as the sound of laugher rolls out onto the floor from the common area. He ignores his heart that yearns to be part of a family again. No, you don't. His heart whispers.
Buck turns away and sweeps. Okay, maybe, he should've risked it and gotten his headphones, because there is no music to distract him from the yearning. It isn't like he doesn't want to sit with around with the house, joking and teasing with them—he does-, but that will only end up one way: him hurt and broken. While no one can deny he is useful in the fire, personally, he is a needy, selfish child who only cares about himself.
You're fucking exhausting. Are you going to cry now that you aren't getting your way?
Eddie's words hit him like punch to the gut, and though his heart twists in his chest, his former friend isn't wrong. Buck is exhausting. He needs constant praise no matter the situation, and if someone isn't giving him it, he turns destructive with no care to who he hurts. No wonder why the 118 pushed him away: Buck breaks everything he touches. He sues when he doesn't get his way, acting out like a spoiled brat. He hurts his friends without a second thought. He hurts his family. Eddie's right. He's fucken exhausting. Bobby was right to keep him back. Buck can't be trusted to behave.
Stop it! They aren't. His mind tries to argue. They're wrong. This is why you left! Buck shakes his head, trying to shake out this self-doubt. It's odd. One second, Buck will blame himself for the 118's treatment of him, saying he deserves it, while the next he blames them. Shunning someone is never right. Silent treatment is abuse. But next the next second he's back to hating himself. He's the one in the wrong. They are—were. They were his family, they accepted him for him when no one else ever had, including his parents, and one else will. Evan Buckley is damage goods. These Chicago Firehouse think he's loveable, but that's because they don't know him. They would see. He isn't loveable.
He can't let them in. He can't be hurt again when they will inevitably turn on him. No, he just needs to keep his head down and work. He just needs to do his job. He just—
A loud clunk echoes across the floor, and Buck's head pops up, his eyes searching the floor. His heart pounds against his ribs. When he locates the source of the sound, he deflates, spotting one of the older firefighters. Fumbling around, the man had knocked over one of the weights, which rolled into a nearby, metal chair. "Fuck," he curses, a realization hitting him hard. He wanted—hopped it was Severide. Stupid. Did he really expect him at firehouse 40? Stupid.
"Sorry!" The man yells, hearing Buck curse. "I didn't mean to surprise you. Just needed this." He waves a book in the air.
Buck's jaw locks, recognizing a desire that has settled deep in his gut. Stop it, he orders. He sucks in air via his nose and takes a deep breath. Slipping, Buckley. "It's okay," his eye twitching from pulsing pain in his right arm and elbow.
The man nods before letting out a chuckle. "Good. Grainger will kill me if I gave you a heart of attack."
The man doesn't wait for a response and turns to the door. Frozen in place, Buck just stares wide eye at him, a tingle in his chest. He feels light headed, not from the pain, but from watching the firefighter disappear through the door and down the hall. "Fuck." He curses again, quicker this time. He feels light headed by the fact that he wanted the man to stay. Not him specifically. He just wants… Buck let out a huff and shakes his head. Don't finish that. His mind pleads.
No matter how nice Grainger or 40 is this is not 51.
There is no Blake Gallo and Darren Ritter to drag him to the kitchen or to talk his ear off over equipment.
There is no Sylvie Brett to act like a buffer and glare at anyone who looked at him funny.
There is no Captain Matt Casey to distract any wondering minds and check in on him nonverbally with his eyes.
There is no Lieutenant Kelly fucken Severide. This Firehouse definitely does not have one of those, which Buck counts as a blessing. Buck absolutely cannot deal with two Kelly Severides. He blames it on being touch starved and isolated from people for so long. Now all it seems to take to weasel through his walls is a smile and praise. Bucks tries to resist the smiles, the praise, and Severide's friendly aura, but man, Buck is failing. The butterflies in his stomach swirl with every smile, and goddamn, he enjoys it.
And by the time he notices, his old toxic habits have already reared their ugly heads, which terrifies the crap out of him. They can't see his neediness. His selfishness. Like a scared animal, he shuts his wall down and bolts. He knows he looks crazy. He knows that he's creating awkwardness between them, having seen the odd glances Cruz and Capp sent his ways, but he has to do this. He has to… And yet he doesn't want to. When Severide smiles at him, he wants to rip all of his walls down. He wants whatever relationship the man is willing to give.
Don't. His mind yells. You can't.
Buck can't let his guard down. Can't get hurt again. He can't fall for the Woman Loving Severide. Yes, though he wasn't trying to, he knows about the lieutenant's personal reputation, and yet not learning from the first time, his heart is ready to jump for the straight guy—not that he is falling for the guy. He isn't falling. Stupid, Stupid. He yells at himself. Buck being stupid is not surprising. He is used to this by now. He expects it now. Example: All Severide is trying to do is be nice to Buck and Buck is being his foolish, inappropriate self.
Closing his eyes, Buck straightens up and takes a breath. While his shoulder aches and the pain is intense, he counts it as an blessing, since it gives him—
"Buckley!"
Said man stiffens for a moment, expecting to be yelled out, before realizes it and relaxes. "Sir," he replies, his eyes following the voice to the owner, Lieutenant Grainger. His eyes are just as large as Severide but nowhere as warm.
"I think you been antisocial enough," Grainger states. "Come join us."
Buck's eye twitches, his feet frozen in place. Grainger's words stings more than he expects it to. "Sir." He hesitates. Though having had floated at a number of firehouses, he can count on one hand how many times he has pulled from cleaning the apparatus floor. Two if you are counting.
"Come." Grainger energetically waves at him with a large smile, his eyes friendly. "Don't make me drag you over."
There's a twitch in Buck's leg, a part of him wanting to join them in the common room, but when he makes the first step, his body just goes stiff, and he just stares into Grainger's brown eyes. He's hit with an intense panic, and all he knows is that the eyes are wrong. Just wrong.
"You okay, Buckley?" Grainger asks as he steps to him.
Buck's eyes snap shut, and he counts to ten in his head while breathing slowly. After, he replies, "I'm good, but think you."
"You sure?"
"Yes," Buck answer, though not really sure of what he wants. The thought of being pulled into a room filled with fellow firefighters freaks him out, but yet, he wants to be pulled away from his own miserable thought. He wants to be wrapped in warmth and loved for being him. No one will love you. The thought pierces his heart like dragger. Nope, he's good here where he is safe.
Grainger doesn't respond, his eyes taking apart Buck's stiff form, and crosses the floors in 6 large steps. He—Buck unable to see from where- pulls out a large ice pack and gently slaps it on Buck's shoulder. "Well, take this at least. When I bang up my shoulder, ice helped." Buck, both surprised and shocked, doesn't reply and just stares at the oversize ice pack on his shoulder. "And next time, Buckley, let someone know if you're hurt. Okay?" He waits for a response before he turns. "No one wants you to suffer alone." With that, he turns and leaves.
Buck's eyes are still on the ice bag. "That's what they all say at first." He huffs to himself before returning to cleaning the floor.
Author Note:
1) Sorry for the limited amount of Kelly, but he will be back in the next chapter. At least we know Buck is a sucker for Kelly's eyes. Who isn't?
2) I am not sure how detailed I want to get of 118's mistreatment. I do not believe the story needs it, though mainly I kinda dont want to write it. Hate when people are mean to Buck. For now, we just get glimpses. However, I will confirm no one physically beat him, just mental abuse.
3) While Grainger had little screen time in the show, I still liked his character and didn't want to degrade him to make Buck love 51 more than 40. I almost had Buck going with him at the end; however, that honor is reserved for Kelly. LOL
4) With Maddie, I played with a few different ideas in my head. I didn't want her to be completely oblivious to Buck's suffering, but I also envisioned Buck keeping must of it from her, as he was worried about her relationship. He wants her happy. If she knew the extent of the mental torture Buck went through, she would have stormed the castle sooner. I also didn't want to fault 118's reaction to the lawsuit (still dicks for being mean). While Buck did have a point with it, lawsuits aren't fun and they don't make you friends. I hope I did her justice with all of it.
Let me know what you think!
