Lee walked through the streets of New Caprica City alone. It was no wonder that no one approached him given the obvious tension in his shoulders and the scowl on his face. No one even offered him a word of greeting as he passed, and Lee was just fine with that. It was the first time he had been back to the planet since Baltar's groundbreaking. Since Kara had stabbed him in the back and he took out his frustration with her on Kestra, effectively ruining two of his closest friendships. Not that he was really to blame for Kara's actions. She had told him she would leave Sam, and then she married him. But after more than a month of dwelling on his anger, Lee realized that it wasn't Kara he was mad at. He was mad at himself for believing Kara loved him. She'd always been impossible to hold on to, and he'd been stupid to think that loving each other was enough to convince her to settle down and get married. Even worse, he'd lost Kestra in the process. He knew that asking Kestra to marry him had been entirely in response to Kara's betrayal, and she was right to turn him down. She had to have known that he was feeling both furious and guilty when he'd asked. They'd gotten so close that they could practically read each other's minds before that day. Now he felt empty as his head was filled with only his own regrets. He'd finally come to the decision that he had to speak to Kestra. Even if she refused to see him after today, he had to at least apologize before his guilt tore him apart from the inside. To expect forgiveness would be presumptuous and unwarranted. He knew that she didn't owe him anything. He had told her he loved her, and then he ran off with Starbuck and told her the same things. He hadn't been insincere when he'd said he loved Kestra, but he was always so confused when it came to Starbuck. All his common sense went out the window whenever she was involved. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, except that Starbuck had no common sense to begin with. One of them needed to be grounded, and as a pair they were a disaster waiting to happen. Lee came to the school tent and heard the laughter of children from beyond the tent flaps. He knew Kestra was an aide at Laura's school. He also knew she'd be angry with him for interrupting her at school, but he needed to see her now. He poked his head through the entrance and saw rows of students facing the front where Laura Roslin was speaking animatedly to them. Lee noted how much happier Roslin looked teaching these children than she had ever looked addressing the press as president. He smiled slightly at the thought and didn't even realize when Laura stopped talking.
"Maya," Laura called. Lee's attention snapped back to Laura as she made eye contact with him.
"Alright everybody, it's time for our math lesson," a younger woman said as she walked up in front of the classroom. The students groaned as Laura walked to the back of the tent without breaking eye contact with Lee. She didn't speak to him until she had led him out of the tent a ways so they wouldn't interfere with the class.
"Lee," she said impassively, "I'm surprised to see you here." Lee nodded solemnly.
"I know," he said, "I was looking for Kestra." Laura pursed her lips as if she was debating whether or not she should tell him where to find Kestra. "Please Laura," Lee said emphatically. Laura met his eyes again and was moved by the sincerity she saw. He looked broken. "I need to see her… I have to apologize. I know I messed up." Laura nodded. She looked up and down the street and then turned back to him.
"She's not here today," she said cautiously, "she's been having a difficult time lately. She should be back at my tent, but if she isn't, there's a little lake up in the mountains that she likes to go to. You'll probably find her there."
"Thank you," Lee said sincerely. Laura nodded sharply and turned back into the tent. Lee took off toward her tent at a brisk pace. He was unsurprised to find that Kestra wasn't there. Thus began his hike up into the mountains just beyond New Caprica City. He found the lake after an hour of walking. He'd just about given up hope, but then he caught sight of the clear waters sparkling through the trees. Once he reached the clearing, he found Kestra quickly. She was laid out on a patch of grass just beyond the lake and looking straight up at the sky. Lee didn't want to startle her, so he called out her name.
"Kestra." She jumped up and whirled around to see Lee approaching from an eerily similar direction as he had in her dreams. She stood up defensively causing Lee to stop his approach. "I just want to talk," he said gently. Kestra did not relax, but she nodded. Lee took this as an invitation, so he took a few more steps forward as he spoke. "I wanted to apologize for… for what happened after the groundbreaking. I wasn't thinking straight, and I never should have gotten you involved. It was between me and Starbuck, and I was just so… I'm sorry," he finished lamely. Kestra nodded thoughtfully.
"You're sorry for what? Asking me to marry you? Sleeping with Starbuck? Using your relationship with me to try to get back at her?" Lee hung his head in shame. He should have expected this. She had always gotten right to the heart of the issue when others would dance around it out of discomfort and misplaced manners.
"All of it I guess. I don't know what got into me. Whenever Starbuck is around I get… stupid. I don't know why. She's so impulsive and crazy that I guess it just rubs off on me."
"Was it Starbuck's idea to run out into a field and make love?" Kestra asked, genuinely curious to know the answer. Lee was stunned for a moment. He never told her where or even if he and Kara had sex. He figured she'd guessed that he slept with Kara, but she couldn't have known where.
"How did you know that?" he asked, dumbstruck. Kestra looked off to her left.
"There's a clearing beyond the trees in that direction. You were the one who said you didn't care who heard." Lee sighed heavily as he realized that she'd heard everything he and Kara had shouted into the sky that night. "Was it her idea?" Kestra wouldn't have thought twice about it being Kara's idea if she hadn't sounded so hesitant when she yelled her declaration of love for Lee. Lee closed his eyes and sighed.
"No," he said, opening them back up to look at her, "it was… we both went out there. We were drunk. We weren't planning on it."
"Weren't you?" Kestra asked. Lee thought about it. He'd tried to block that night from his mind, but it all came back to him in that moment. The feel of Kara's skin against his. The smell of her hair. The euphoria he felt when she'd declared her love for him into the starry sky. She'd been hesitant though. He had to convince her that they could be together. He never had to convince Kara of anything. In fact, he was the one who usually needed convincing. Kara was always the impulsive one. But Lee's proposition hadn't been impulsive. Now that he thought about it, he had been trying to convince her to do something very mundane. Settling down and having a family had never been Starbuck's style. She didn't mind fracking him, but when he'd mentioned marriage she was reserved, timid even. Then why did she go and marry Anders? What was wrong with Lee that she didn't want to marry him?
"I don't know," he said truthfully, "I guess, I wanted her to say she loved me, and I wasn't planning on sleeping with her but..." Kestra continued to stare and sat down. She gestured for him to do the same.
"So, what do you want from me?" she asked. Lee shook his head.
"Nothing," he said quickly, "I just wanted to apologize for betraying your trust and lying to you. For saying I loved you, and then doing what I did with Starbuck."
"Did you?"
"What?"
"Love me," she replied evenly. Her expression hadn't changed. She was trying very hard to remain detached as long as she could. She knew if they talked about it any further she would be forced to confront her feelings as well. Lee looked dumbstruck by the question. He should have expected the question, but he didn't. He didn't want to answer impulsively either. Whatever he said, he wanted it to be the truth. He thought about the time he had spent with her and the hell he'd been through without her. He thought about the emptiness in his mind and heart since she'd been on the planet. That had to be love. Didn't it?
"Yes," he said, "I do love you."
"And do you love Starbuck?" Lee froze. It felt like a trick question. How could he tell her he loved her, and then say he loved Kara. But he'd also determined that he'd be truthful to her no matter what, so he couldn't say no.
"Yes." Kestra nodded.
"Then you didn't lie to me," she said evenly. Lee's brow furrowed. "You told me you loved me, and you do. You never told me you didn't love Kara. Therefore, nothing you said to me was a lie, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. There's no need to apologise," she explained. Lee's eyes widened.
"Of course there is. I told you I loved you, then I went and slept with another woman. I know it's possible to love you both, but I made you promises that I broke. I specifically told you I didn't love Starbuck like that. I have every reason to apologize, and I don't deserve your forgiveness," he said emphatically. Kestra's eyes had filled with tears, but when she spoke it was as steady as before.
"Well, you have it, Lee." Lee shook his head.
"That's not what I want."
"Then what do you want?" Lee opened his mouth but immediately shut it. He didn't know. He'd convinced himself that he didn't want anything from her, but now that she'd offered him forgiveness he found that it wasn't enough. He didn't just want forgiveness. He wanted her back in his life.
"You," he said lamely. Kestra's tears finally rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped them away.
"How Lee? Do you want me to sleep with you? Do you want me to come up to Pegasus every now and then for a quick frak? What is it that you want out of me here?" she asked more businesslike. Lee furrowed his brow.
"I just want my friend back," he said. There was a pause before Kestra nodded.
"Okay," she said. Lee smiled. "But-" Lee frowned. "You did say you loved me Lee, and I loved you. And now every time I look at you now, I see you and Starbuck. I see you professing your love for her into the sky. I don't know if I can just forget that and move on." Lee sighed and shook his head.
"I know, and I'm sorry. I do love you, Kestra. It's just that things between me and Starbuck have always been complicated. After Zach died we… we got really close."
"Is she a replacement for your brother?" Lee's face contorted in shock.
"No, of course not. It's just that… we were both pilots, and my father treated her like a daughter after Zach… we're connected, and she's always been the… she was the perfect soldier, and I wanted…" Lee trailed off with his brow furrowed. Kestra's eyes filled with pity as she looked at Lee. She stood up and approached him. She rested her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her.
"I think you've defined yourself by other people's expectations so long that you don't know who you are without Starbuck. She's the natural soldier that your father wanted, and you're not." Lee had no response to that, so he just averted his gaze to the ground. "I'll see you later, Lee." Kestra walked away. She had reached the treeline before he stopped her.
"Wait!" he called as he got up. Kestra stopped and looked at him expectantly. "You said… the way you can read me. You said that meant something. Doesn't it?" he asked. Kestra sighed.
"I said I thought it meant something. That doesn't mean it has to," she explained.
"But I still love you, Kestra. And Starbuck is married now. She can't be in the way of us being together now. I've never heard someone else's thoughts before. That has to mean something," he begged. Kestra sighed and shook her head.
"I'm not going to be with you, because of some sense of destiny or whatever you want to call it. I won't be with you knowing you wish it was Starbuck. Her being married has nothing to do with your feelings for her. She was with Anders before you slept with her, and you didn't have a problem with it then," she said.
"Is that it? The only reason you won't come back is because of Starbuck?
"No, Lee. It's because you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy. I can't trust that if we had gotten married that you wouldn't get bored in a few years and decide that the sanctity of your marriage isn't as important as your unresolved feelings for Kara," she said, "you don't know yourself, Lee. And until you do, how are you supposed to commit to someone else?" With that Kestra walked off into the trees. Lee stared at the treeline as if she would come bursting back through to tell him it was a joke, she was coming back with him. When she didn't, he sat back down in the grass. Lee started pulling the grass out of the dirt as he contemplated his relationships. Kestra said he didn't know himself. He understood that he had only joined the military to please his father, but Zach had done the same. Bill Adama loved his job more than most things in life, so the best way for them to gain their father's attention was to be there with him. However, Lee knew that about himself. He never tried to convince himself that this was what he wanted to do with his life. He knew he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for his father. He knew that he was too moralistic for the black and white decision making of the military. Kestra was wrong. He did know himself. He knew himself too well. He knew he didn't belong. Kara made him feel like he belonged. She was a natural at all of this. She was the best pilot in the fleet and could take orders without questioning whether it was the right thing to do. She was the son Bill Adama deserved. When Lee was with Kara he could be a part of the crew outside of his last name. With Starbuck he was just one of the guys. When Starbuck brought Anders aboard, suddenly Lee was on the outside looking in again. He was a good study. Lee had moved up in the ranks on his work ethic easily, but it was the interacting with the crew that tripped him up. They were his family of course, but he couldn't be as cavalier about the things they did together as they were. Lee questioned everything they did. Every decision his father made, and every decision he made himself. It weighed him down. That was a practice he couldn't afford to keep on his father's ship. The Admiral and Starbuck never questioned their decisions or their orders. The more Lee thought about it the lonelier he felt. Maybe that's what Kestra had meant. Starbuck had helped define Lee on Galactica. Without Kara he didn't belong on her crew. But all that was gone now anyway. Kara was married, so why was Kestra still worried about it. Lee didn't have to ask himself that to know the answer. He knew Kestra well enough, and himself, to know that she wasn't doing this to punish him. She was protecting herself from another incident like this one. As long as Lee ignored his own dependence on Starbuck and his identity as a part of hers, he would always gravitate back to her when things got tough. When he got uncomfortable he would lean into Kara for that sense of belonging. He used her carelessness to get rid of his own worries. Kara's loyalty had been one of the unchangeable things in Lee's life. Not to mention she was very attractive. He understood the threat that she posed to his relationship with Kestra. But Kestra was different. She was always supportive of Lee as an individual. It helped that she had never liked Starbuck, so she always saw him without his other half. He'd been happy with Kestra too though. He never had to hide with Kestra. Even when they disagreed, she would listen to his reasoning. She thought about her actions the way he did. She had morals that, while not the same, were similar to his own. She'd even understood the parts of Lee's morality that she didn't agree with and didn't try to change it for him. She loved Lee as he was. She also made him happy. Her company was not boisterous as Kara's, but she was a softer and kinder presence. And she was funny too. Most of all, Lee thought, she loved her life and the people in it. She didn't dwell on the horrible parts of her past, but instead moved on and tried her best to be happy in spite of it. If the cylon attack hadn't happened and Lee had the opportunity to live a civilian life, Kestra is the kind of woman he would want to be with. Kestra was the type of woman Lee wanted to marry. Kara had been familiar and safe, but Kestra's soul was akin to his. Maybe that's why she had been able to read his thoughts, because they're thoughts lined up so similarly. Lee wanted Kestra. He had to prove it to her. He got up and eventually made his way back to his raptor, trying to figure out how to win her back the entire way.
