Last Friday

Whoa.

Wait, what time is it? I sit up and look around the dark room. Augh, my mouth is so dry. It's nearly pitch black and I never saw it in the light so I don't know where anything is. So annoying. Craig snores. I glance at his sleeping form. It's too dark though, all I can see is the highlight of his skin from the moon coming through the window. He's naked. I blush and cover my face. I can't believe we did that.

I thought it would suck and he'd take it out and then we'd just go back to what we've been doing but when it felt that good… I don't know, I said something weird. But fuck, it felt so good I cried. I can't believe I let him do that.

It doesn't make any sense! His fingers were always just tight and weird. I didn't like it at all but this was nothing like that. This made my stomach feel like it had been set on fire. Oh, my God, how many times did I come? What the fuck? Why'd it feel so good?! Isn't he a virgin too? I wonder if Craig liked it? I wonder if he liked it as much as I did? I should've used fingers on myself. It was so tight. I can't believe we did that.

I really have to pee. Where's the bathroom? Where's my phone? God, I can't see shit. It wasn't too messy though, I think. I stumble around a little bit. I search the ground for my bag and pull out two things. I use one (my phone) to light up my path out of the room. I shine it at Craig just to see his sleeping face for real and then I head into the hallway. I check the first door I see. It's pink inside. Okay, hello, sister. Goodbye, not what I needed.

What about this one? I peek in. Nope. I shut the door. This is weird. I'm snooping around his house! I take a deep breath. I'm just looking for the bathroom. It's not like I can wake him up for something like that. It has to be one of these fucking doors. I pull open another one. Towels. Jesus fuck. Why are there so many rooms anyway?

It's of course the last door I check at the end of the hall. I can finally turn the light on and regain my vision. I look so gross. This is so embarrassing. I was supposed to go home last night now it's… I check my phone… three in the morning.

I have to stay. It's not a big deal really, I just really didn't want to sleep with him. I didn't want the sex to be good either. I pee and then I wash my hands. I go ahead and wash my face too. After that, I pop open the little orange pill bottles I grabbed from my bag. I pour out each one in my hand. Two, one, one.

I head downstairs and flick on the kitchen light. I search through cabinets to find a cup and fill it with water chugging it. How unlike me to let myself get this dehydrated. But he always manages to distract me. I look around. It's weird being in his house like this. It feels too intimate. This is why I don't want him at my house. And if he ever talked to my parents it'd be over. It's not like he's my boyfriend. I dump the pills into my mouth and swallow them down with some more water.

That's a lot better. It would've been bad tomorrow if I hadn't woken up to take them and maybe now I can sleep.

I head back to the room and put my medication away carefully. I put my phone down on the nightstand and notice that Craig's sprawled across the mattress in the most obnoxious way. "What the fuck? I was gone for like, two minutes." He has to be fucking with me?

But he doesn't react to my talking at all and his eyes aren't moving. Hm. I gently nudge him back to his spot. "Asshole," I mumble, settling back into bed. My voice must've stirred him again because he tosses his arm over me. I'd say he was awake and really was fucking with me but Craig's still breathing heavy. Maybe this is fine.

If we're gonna sleep together anyways and we did have sex. It's not like I can control what I do in my sleep and if he's throwing his arm over me like this then I can do that too and it should be fine… But, I'm scared. What if he really is awake and then it'll just be really embarrassing.

So, I wait a few minutes. I just want to make sure he's really asleep again. I'm talking REM cycle, preferably in the middle of a deep dream, after a loud snore (because holy fuck does Craig snore)... and I'll just flip over to face him.

Oh, he really is asleep. He's too good looking. Too bad he knows it. Look at how long his eyelashes are. It must be nice- to have eyelashes. I only like him because he looks like this. Anyone would like him. How lame am I?

And because of that I agreed to an arrangement like this. And because of this sex-based relationship, Craig's misinterpreting his feelings. He thinks he likes me. I chuckle quietly. That's not real though. We don't even know each other. He can't argue with me about it either. He probably doesn't even know my birthday and I only know his because I'm a creep.

Yeah, I would never let that happen. He's so stupid but it makes sense knowing him. So readable. He was confused and I guess I was his type. I wasn't confused, I just wanted to bone. And since Craig, contrary to popular believe, is really a little bitch, he thinks he's falling for me because he likes my dick. That fucking asshole.

He doesn't like me, he's just excited. And I don't like him, I just think he's hot. This kind of thing we're doing now is okay. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to do… that again. But that's all it is. Just sex. I shoot under the blanket more, snuggling into his chest. Yep, just sex.

He's really out. He looked really tired though. He smells so good. Like Craig and sex. God, I love this smell. I wish we could go again right now.

It's not fair that I feel this way about someone like him. I don't even care that I'm gay, but why did it have to be Craig? Why'd he have to walk through those doors that day coach said he found me a partner? If it'd just been anybody else, this never would've happened.

My deluded emotions just because I had a crush on him back when we were kids. Those feelings, much like these derived from a place of ignorance and naivety. I shouldn't worry about that stuff now. I wouldn't let that happen again, no matter how stupid he acts.

I should just enjoy this until we graduate. It's better this way. Too much sweet shit and we'll get attached to each other for no reason. It was bad timing and anyways, I'm not giving Craig that kind of leverage. He could turn around and decide to be with whoever he wanted tomorrow and then I... It's too dangerous. Why should I give anyone an opportunity to hurt me? This way, we both get something out of it and don't have to deal with that. What we do now works so what would be the point in complicating it? This shit gives me anxiety.

He gives me anxiety. I sigh.