Hey All!
I am super sorry that it took me so longer. This not date took me longer to write then I expected.
Please let me know how you feel via reviews. I love reviews.
Chapter 15:
This is not a Date
This is not a date.
This is not a date.
This is not a date.
Yet, it feels like a date no matter how many times Buck says it aloud, and every inch of himself is surging with those familiar first date nerves. He can't tell you how many outfits he has tried on and toss aside on the bed in rejection, creating a small mountain. Tossing them like they burned, he can tell that none of the outfits are right, though he can't tell you why. They just aren't, which frustrates him. Why aren't any of them right? This isn't a date! So, why does his outfit matter? Because it does. The stupid voice in his voice points out.
As Buck stares at his half empty closet, his exasperation grows, although it's mostly at himself and his stupidity. When he turned tail and bolted, he only packed what he 'thought' he needed, which wasn't a lot, and left most of his 'date' clothes…not that this is a date. This is not a date.
Shaking his head, Buck takes a deep breath. "It's fine." He'll just have to deal with the fact that everything he wants to wear—his perfect make out clothes—are collecting dust in his storage unit in LA. "It's fine." Every time. Yes, every time he thinks he finds the right outfit, a certain item that he left behind pops to mind, and he's immediately dishearten when he realizes where it is. After the sixth outfit, a crazy nonsensible idea comes to mind: to drive to CA and get his clothes, and if LA wasn't so far away, Buck would've jumped into his Jeep. However, that idea is just a nonsensible and impractical, even if he should bring his property to Chicago. His home is here now. He needs his stuff here.
But Buck digresses. He has a date to get—No, he does not have a date. He violently shakes his head in a failed attempt to force his mind away the word 'date'. "There has to be another word," he mutters bitterly to himself, ignoring the heat in his cheeks. How could a single word send Buck into a tailspin? It's just a word. A simple word to mark a date on the calendar. By itself, it doesn't mean anything. Buck is the one adding meaning to it prematurely…. Prematurely? That would infer that there is a possibility of there being a 'date' in the future.
Why is—
On his cheap, ugly, fake wood nightstand, his phone vibrates loudly, snapping Buck out of his rabbit hole. With a deep exhale, he swiftly crosses to his phone, his heart skipping when he sees a text from Kelly. For a second—only a second-, he fears, an engrained response, the worse, but when Kelly's smiling face flashes across his face, he dashes that thought quickly. He isn't going to allow himself to go down that path. Nope. Just nope. He refuses, and instead, he, with a smile, opens up the text and silently reads it.
'Be there in 20. Wear comfortable shoes.'
While it is obvious why (the Ghost/Gang tour is a walking tour), that text fries Buck's brain, and he bluescreens. It takes a few seconds for his brain to reboot. And when it does, he turns and shoots his shoes a concern/confused look. A second ticks. "Shit," he curses, both confused and angry, as the clock on the wall ticks abnormally loud. He can't waste any more time on this little freak out, but God, what shoes should he pick? "…Shit. Fuck. Shit," he huffs as he realizes he doesn't have the time for his indecisiveness. What the hell is wrong with him?
Plus, he has run out of clothes at this point. "Fuck it." He exclaims loudly, as he abruptly reaches into his closet and grabs a random a pair of shoes, a pair of Natural Grey (Light Grey Sole), wool running shoes. Next, he stumps to his bed, and while shutting his eyes, he reaches into the pile of clothes on his bed and randomly picks up a white, short sleeve Henley shirt. He then feels around for a pair of dark blue jeans. Satisfied for a moment, he gets dress, but it's missing one thing. "Got it." To top it off the look, he passes back to the closet and yanks his dark gray bomber jacket off a hanger. A seed of doubt weaves itself forward when he stares at the outfit in the mirror, but Buck vetoes quickly it with a swift kick. He really does not have time for another wardrobe change. Not that his closes matter.
This is not a Date.
Exhaling, his eyes zip to the loud ass ticking clock on the wall, his right eye twitching with every tick of the second hand. Huffing, he snatches his wristwatch off the dresser. He, his fingers running over the bands, stares at the old, sentimental timepiece, a Luminox 'Navy SEAL' watch. It was a gift from Steve after their first assignment… after he learned Buck didn't have one. To Steve, that was a cardinal sin, which he had to correct. Shaking his head and refusing to allow memories take hold, Buck flips over his wrist and buckles the watch.
For a second time, Buck turns back to the mirror, and with one last, deep breath, he takes a good look at himself, tugging at the bottom of his white shirt. "You look good," he tells himself loudly before turning away quickly. If he stares any longer at himself, he will be lost down the rabbit hole again. "You got this." He states, hyping himself up. He says it a few more times before he heads out the door.
And reminding him one last time, this is not a date.
*O*O*
When Kelly asked for Buck's address, Buck gave him an address for a diner a few blocks down, too ashamed. No, he isn't ashamed of his neighbors, most of them amazing besides Dom, and he loves them, but he doesn't want Kelly to pity him for his shitty apartment. No. No, that would not do. Besides, Buck just wants to enjoy his day with Kelly. Is that so wrong? He just needs a day where the past stays firmly in the past, and he refuses to let anything hold him down today. Today is going to be a good, date or no date.
In the nick of time, Buck makes it to the meeting spot, a single droplet running own his forehead, just as Kelly pulls up next to him, windows down and a large smile. "Buck!" Kelly calls when the mustang comes to a complete stop.
"Hey," Buck, his heartbeat in his ears, greets as he wastes no time getting into the car. Before he can comprehend what he's doing, his eyes, hungerly, scan Kelly. Like Buck, he isn't dressed in anything fancy, but Kelly can make anything look good. This time, the Lieutenant is working a Brown leather jacket, blue jeans and a light blue shirt. His shirt is hiked up just a tad and a bit of tan skin is visible. This is not a date. This is not-
"Buck?"
Said man's eyes pop up, red blooming in his cheeks. Buck smiles so hard that his cheeks hurt as he prays that Kelly didn't notice. "Yea, I'm good."
Kelly watches Buck settle into the seat and buckle in before he says, "I would've picked you up at your place."
"It's fine." Buck smiles at him, cheeks and all. "So, where are we off to first?" Regardless of how attractive Kelly is, Buck is just happy/excited to be here. You don't realize how much human contract you need until it's gone, and he doesn't want to think about anything else. He especially doesn't want to put his misplaced attraction on Kelly, who is just being a friend. Kelly doesn't need the burden of Buck's whatever the hell he is feeling.
Quickly glancing over his shoulder for any oncoming cars, Kelly answers, "Royal Sonesta Hotel for the Gangster and Ghost tour."
Yes, while Buck mentioned the tour to Kelly, he is still surprised that Kelly listened, not that he thought Kelly would ignore him. He just didn't think… He takes a deep breath and exhaling completely. Okay, he doesn't know how to explain it, only that he is surprised. Yes, he knows he will benefit from a good therapist, and yet, the idea scares the crap out of him for a few different reasons. "Cool." His smile matches the large goofy grin on Kelly's.
"Cool." Kelly echoes as he glances over at Buck. "We got an hour before the tour. You want to stop quickly for food?"
Yes, food would be nice; however, Buck's nerves have his stomach in knots, literal knots. He feels nauseous already without food in his stomach, so there's no way that he'll be able to keep it down. Date or no date, this still feels like one, the butterflies in his stomach feral. It's like he can feel the flutter of each wing. "Um, I'm good."
"Are you sure? Might be awhile before we can get a bite." Kelly rubs at his nose. "Got the entire day planned."
A fat laugh tickles up Buck's throat and erupts from his mouth, him unable to stop it. A round of snickers follows. His nausea starts to dissipate with every snort. "T-the entire day, Kel?" He gasps breathy, as he rolls his eyes.
Kelly shoots an equally playful smirk at Buck. "That's just how I roll." To emphasis his point, his right hand leaves the steering wheel and twists in a rolling motion in the air.
Buck cocks his heads to the side, giving Kelly an incredulous, narrow stare. "Oh, really. For some reason," he rubs at his nose, "I don't believe that. You don't seem like the schedule type of guy."
With a quick peep, Kelly glances over and gives him a mischievous yet offended frown. "Ouch, man! What is that supposed to mean?"
"Um…" Buck is all smiles. "Have you met yourself?"
"Excuse me?!" While he sounds a little miffed, Kelly beams. "What are you basing this off on?"
The question, though it wasn't intended to, gives Buck pause. Does he know for sure? No, as he hasn't known Kelly for that long, but Kelly, who gives off wild and spontaneous vibes, doesn't seem like the type to schedule the entire day. Buck is definitely not the type either…. though there have been times when he was trying to impress someone. "Have you met yourself?"
Kelly, shaking his head and chuckling, zooms through traffic. "I'm pppretty," he purrs, popping out the 'p', "the same can be said about you."
"Okay, Okay." He throws his arms up. "That's fair." The nerves, the butterflies, are settling, even though his heart is fluttering. Once more, Buck has to tell himself this is not a date, because this is not a date. It's not! Yet, his brain and heart doesn't want to listen, feeling lighter than he felt in nearly a year. God, why does he want this to be a date? Besides, after everything he went through, how does he fall this hard for someone so fast? Okay, it isn't too hard to understand, especially when Kelly smiles at him with that gorgeous smile of his no matter what Bucks tells him. There's no pity or judgement in those eyes. While it scares the crap out of him, he wants to tell him everything.
*O*O*
Though Kelly has lived in Chicago his entire life, the Gangster and Ghost tour is very informative, and he's learning things about his city that he never knew… well, when he pays attention, which he hasn't been doing lately. As the tour guide stands in front of the Congress Hotel, Kelly's eyes are solely on Buck and his gorgeous smile. Stop Kelly. The words 'Al Capone' and 'bootlegging operations' goes over his head, Kelly too captivated by Buck. For weeks, he has watched the tension slowly—but steady—drain from Buck's shoulder and a smile take its place, but today, Buck looks like a different man, tension free.
Kelly's hand twitches at his side, itching to reach out to Buck. If Buck has been a woman, he would've grabbed Buck's hand and pulled him close… It has nothing to do with the fact that Buck's a guy… or maybe it does, but not for the reasons most would think. His 'little' experiment has told him that he is very attracted to Buck, and it doesn't bother him that he's a man. He isn't ashamed to be seen with a man. No, his issue is that he doesn't know how to be with a man or if Buck wants to be with a man. Or if he is even wants to be with Kelly. You can ask Ritter, his brain reasons, but he shuts that down. He is not asking Ritter for dating advice. No doubt entirety of 51 would hear if he did.
Soon enough, they're moving again—the joys of walking tours—and Kelly is snapped from his thoughts, trailing behind Buckley. For a moment, his eyes drop to Buck's round ass before he, flustered, turns away and quickens his steps to get side by side with the ex-floater. "Enjoying yourself?" Kelly asks, softly bumping shoulders with him. From the corner of his eyes, he notices the intense wandering stares from two women in their early to mid-30s.
Not sure if it is intentionally, Buck ignores the pointed stare from the chatty ladies and sets his blinding smile on Kelly. "Yes, I am." He shifts his weight to his left and wiggles his right foot. "I'm glad that I picked the right shoes for this."
"Good. Good. That's the most important thing."
"Yes, don't want back pain or sore feet."
"Nope we can't have that." Kelly leans toward Buck, his hand twitching at his side, and before he realizes what he's doing, he reaches out for Buck, the heat—alluring and irresistible - rolling off the Ex-Floater. Without warning, it jumps to Kelly's fingers and up his arms, right to his heart which takes a moment for Kelly to acknowledge. Shit, he curses when he realizes what happening: his fingers hovering over Buck's wrist. In the most ungraceful and obvious move, he flings—far too forcefully- his arm up and plumps it down awkwardly and gawkily on Buck's shoulder. "B-but I don't know about my shoes," he fibs, giving Buck a soft pat. Okay, not a total lie as his black ankle boots, though comfortable, not the best for walking.
Buck's eyes drop, as he shakes his head. "Maybe, you should've taken your own advice."
Kelly laughs, his hand slipping from Buck's shoulder. "Geez. No love here." He teases, earning a chuckle from Buck.
The playful banter dies between the firefighters, as the tour guide continues the tour, after a strained smile. Yet, the lieutenant's eyes are still on Buck, who—like a good student- is soaking it all in. Buck reminds him of a small child at a fire station for the first time, and Kelly's heart skips, in unison, with Buck's steps. God, it's breathtaking to watch the freedom and joy in the young man's big frame. His hands are out, not hidden in his pockets, and his shoulders are large.
A few stops later, they're in front of the Colonial Theatre, where the Iroquois Theatre once stood. The history of the location is disheartening, but Buck's ears perk up—not that he isn't already following the tour guide like a puppy—at the words 'Great Chicago Fire of 1903.' For not being a Native Chicagoan, Kelly isn't sure how much Buck knows, but for him the history of it engraved into them from their history classes in junior high.
The guide waves up at the theatre. "The Great Chicago Fire of 1903 was the deadliest theater fire and the deadliest single-building fire in U.S. history, resulting in at least-"
"-602 deaths." Buck interjects woefully yet enthusiastically.
"Yes." The guide smiles heavily as she goes on to explain how it started. Sparks from an arc light ignited a muslin curtain, probably as a result of an electrical short circuit. A stagehand tried to douse the fire with the Kilfyre canisters provided, but it quickly spread to the fly gallery high above the stage. She pauses in her narrative as she waves to a street/ally next to them, and says, "is called 'Death Alley' because of the unusually high sightings of ghosts and apparitions in the area." In a creepy voice, she starts to describe the multiple encounters people has faced in this ally.
For Kelly, the stories fly pass him, his eyes trained on the open expression on Buck's face. While Kelly enjoys a good camp fire story, he isn't a believer in the supernatural. Ghost stories are just stories to him, which seems to be the opposite for Buck. Buck's eyes are large—his blue eyes shining-, putting each story to memory as if it is life or death. It's adorable to watch the expressions go from awe to 'oh, shit'.
Unsure what is coming over him—this frisky urge-, Kelly creeps up next to, his head hovering just above Buck's right shoulder. "Scared, Buckley?" he whispers playfully in his ear.
Buck's head spins, meeting Kelly's eyes. There's barely an inch between them, but neither moves, just gazing—though Kelly won't use that word aloud—into each other eyes. "Me? Never."
"Oh, really?" His eyebrow mischievously rises.
Simply blinking, Buck doesn't say anything. A moment passes then another and another. Suddenly, he snaps back and puts two solid feet between them, which Kelly tries not to take personally. "Yup," he pops out a shaky 'p.'
"Is that nerves I sense?" Kelly has pegged Buck as a scary movie kind of guy, but the hairs on the back of his neck tells a different story. Though, some people love that feeling, their nerves on fire. They love that rush of adrenaline that hits them, which Kelly can't fault him for. He is also an adrenaline junky.
"NOOOO," Buck gawks awkwardly, his arms waving wildly. Once more, he earns an eyeful from those chatty women and the guide, which silents him rather forcefully. He stiffens and his mouth slams shut, his cheeks turning cherry red.
Kelly's eye twitches as he forces back a death glare, not a fan of a silent Buck… Though, he understands how two loud individuals can be frustrating on a tour. Nevertheless, he doesn't like it. "Hmm." He hums.
That got Buck's attention, the redness in his cheeks softening, and his eyes settle, but he doesn't say anything, not until they reach the "Murder Castle." Once more, the excitement is flowing through Buck's core. "Actually, there's no evidence. Just all claims, but really fascinating all the same."
Once again, Kelly ignores the tour guide and turns his inquisitive gaze onto Buck. While Buck's random knowledge doesn't surprise him, his interest is peeked. "Did you do research before coming on this tour, Ev?" he teases.
It seems like there's a permanent shade of red on Buck's face as he flushes. "Umm," he bits down nervously on his bottom lip. "Yes." He adds quickly and quietly.
The tour guide words becoming background noise, Kelly lets out a chuckle. "That's adorable. I like it."
Buck stiffens and, if possible, turns a deep red, his entire body red. Clumsily and awkwardly, he rubs at his nose, his eyes on the tour guide. "I…um…"
Kelly mischievously bumps Buck in the shoulder, resisting the urge to snatch up Buck's hand yet again. A bit of exasperation flashes up inside of him, annoyed at himself for his thirstiness. God, thirstiness? He's too old for words like that, and it's especially too soon to be thirsting after Buckley, who probably isn't looking for a relationship. "Nothing to be embarrassed about, Evan." Buck's first name just rolls off Kelly's tongue, feeling normal and right.
One blink. Two blinks. Three blinks. Buck's eyes go large, his breathing speed up. "Yea, I just like knowing things." He shrugs, as his breathing settles.
It's like moments like this that snap Kelly back to the truth: someone hurt Buck. His protective urge roars up inside of him once more, but he shoves it aside and drowns this anger. Kelly's feelings are not relevant, but besides, Buck doesn't need Kelly's anger, even if it is justified. "And there's nothing wrong with that."
"Really?" Buck's eyes, silently pleading, drill into Kelly's, searching for any kind of falsehood or pity. When he sees none, he nods softly and smiles.
"Nope, not at all." The smile Kelly earns from Buck is stunning and breathtaking. Literally breathtaking, his chest tight. He has to remember to breathe. Even the chatty women noticed, which goes straight to Kelly's ego. He's on cloud 9, his pride surging. Who put that smile on Buck's face? He did. Who got Buck to relax and enjoy himself? Kelly did. And while he feels like a rock star, nothing compares to the knowledge that Buck is happy. Kelly is happy that Buck is happy. God, what is happening to him?
*O*O*
The Guided Architecture Cruise is nice if only for the fact that they can sit. Kelly is used to being on his feet all day, but it is amazing to sit after walking the city for two hours, especially if his shoes aren't the best. Kelly sinks into the unpleasant chair and shifts until he is comfortable… or as comfy that he's going to get. Buck, on the other hand, is on the edge of his seat with no care to his comfortability, and once again, is a little happy puppy. "Enjoying yourself?" Kelly asks, leaning toward buck.
"Yes." Buck's right leg is fidgeting.
Just like with the ghost and gang tour, Kelly is more focused on Buck than the tour and spends the entire time watching the young man. While he has already noted how happy and relax Evan has been all day, he can't stop noticing it and making mental notes on it. It's just so shocking to see, and yet, Kelly loves every second of it. Every time Buck leans forward—almost falling out of his seat at several points—and points up at the magnificent architecture. Kelly's heart skips, and his chest tightens. He feels like a horny teenager lusting after his first crush, which annoys the hell out of him. He is not a teenager! And yet...
Kelly wants to draw Evan close. He wants to lace their hands together. He wants to hold him close. God, he just wants to claim Evan Buckley's lips with his own.
No.
No.
No.
This is not a date. Not a date even if Kelly wishes it is.
When the ship pulls back into dock, Kelly sits there in shock, his brain snapping back to reality. With a stunned look, his head twists around, quickly noting that the tour has ended. Shit, where has the time gone? No, seriously? Where did the time go? Where did the two hours go? "Oh, hey." Kelly utters, awkwardly, when he notices Buck inquisitively staring down at him.
"You okay?" Buck asks, a goofy crooked grin.
Kelly takes a deep breath to calm his jack hammering heart. The first attempt fails, demanding a second. In fact, it takes four deep breaths to smooth out his voice. "Yes." No matter the nerves coursing through his veins, Kelly is okay.
"Coming?"
"Yup." Kelly chippers.
Buck mindlessly yet eagerly nods. "Soooo… Where are we heading to now?"
Following Buck off the boat, Kelly's eyebrow goes up as the Ex-Floater impulsively and thoroughly scans the crowd, which isn't the first time he had noticed this quirk. However, he shoves that away for another time and goes, "You can't go a tour of Chicago without going to the Ledge, and we might as well check out the Skydeck while we're there."
Glancing over his shoulder, Buck asks, "What's the Skydeck? I bet it isn't what I am thinking."
"An interactive exhibit of Chicago's history, but it's the Ledge I want to show you," Kelly answers, picking up speed to walk side by side with his not date. When he catches up, Buck grins, a Chester Cat grin. "Oh, is this your research smile?"
Buck is all cheeks when he bashfully replies. "Maybe." Kelly can only smile.
*O*O*
Kelly and Buck take their time through the Skydeck exhibit, Buck reading each panel. He gets goofy after the third one and adds in some accents, which are all pretty decent if Kelly is honest. Sure, Buck's voice is perfect the way it is, but he can't deny that his English accent is hot. That aside—yes that aside-, Kelly doesn't want to miss out of the fun and starts talking in on his own weird accent. None of them are as good as Buckley's and Kelly can't even finish a sentence, but that doesn't stop the fun. No, it's the elderly couple—under 60s- a few feet of them that shuts them up with a glare that can level a block. Kelly, his unbashful self, waves at them and says with a straight face, "Hello! This place is lovely, don't you think? No? Well, have a nice day." Buck literally has to turn away and bite down on his lip to stop the thunderous laughter on his tongue. His legs are shaking under the force of it. The Elderly couple gives them one last glare before they turn and walk away.
"You can be an asshole." Buck states bluntly after he's able to calm himself.
Kelly gives him a cocky eyebrow raise and a smirk. "I've never denied being an asshole." He pauses as he stretches his arms above his head. "I can be a huge asshole at times."
"Am I special? Free from this ass-ism?" Buck teases, rubbing at his nose with his index finger.
The world stops for Kelly, his gaze falling to Buck's. A novel passes between their eyes, all nonverbally, and man, it kicks the Lieutenant right in the chest. Whatever answer he gives, it will answer more than just the spoken question. It will answer questions that he doesn't know exist, questions he doesn't even begin to know how to answer. However, honestly is key. "I'm pretty sure no one is safe from my ass-ism," Kelly smiles softly over the word.
"Not even Captain Casey?"
"Not even Matt. He probably gets it the worse." Kelly responds, regrettably. He takes a deep breath before he gets serious. "All honestly, I can be an asshole for no reason at times." He shudders as a few select memories bounce forward. "I thrive to be better, which I believe I'm being, but I will always be a work in progress."
Buck takes a small step forward, his eyes kind and non-judgmental. "Aren't we all work in progress. The only issue I see is if you don't believe that."
Kelly smiles softly at Buck, stopping his mind from wandering. Today is supposed to be a fun and enjoyable day, not to problem solve Buck's history. Before he can hope to peel back Buck's layers, he needs the man to trust him, to feel safe with him. "Very true." Silence falls, their eyes meeting. No words are spoken for a solid minute, and once more, there are words being passed between them that Kelly cannot verbalized. Whatever it is, Kelly hopes Buck finds the answers he wants and only transmit friendship and love. "Really to go to the Ledge?" Kelly finally asks. Buck doesn't answer and simply nods.
*O*O*
Like everyone does on their first trip to the Ledge, Buck side-eyes the glass box protruding out of the tall building. "I know it's tempered glass, but…" He shoots Kelly a nervous, skeptical look over his shoulder as he wiggles a foot forward. He barely taps the on the glass floor before he tucks his leg back under him.
Kelly can't help but chuckle. "Well, if you fall, you won't be alone. It will be a party on the way down. What kind of dance should we do on the way down?" Shaking his hip, he nods to the couple on the other side of the ledge, their face pressed against the glass wall.
As if Kelly suggested kicking puppies, Buck rears back, his mouth wide opened. "Kelly!" he shushed.
"What?" Kelly sheepishly smiles. "It's the truth."
"But we're firefighters! First Responders," Buck protests, his voice cracking. "We can't say that."
Kelly shakes his head, laughing his ass off. First responders are known for their dark humor, and half of what they say will cancel them if a civilian heard, but honestly, it's how most of them get through to the day. "You can't tell me you hadn't heard worse."
"I…I…"
"See."
Buck narrows his eyes. "hmmm."
"Don't hmmm me."
Suddenly, Buck's grin turns mischievous, his smile reaching ear to ear. "What are you going to do about it?"
His cockiness and friskiness in both stunning and beautiful, and it takes Kelly a moment recalculate. "Is that a challenge?" Oh, how he loves challenges. Kelly doesn't wait for a response, as he swiftly closes the distance between them, putting a firm hand on the small of Buck's back, right above his ass. "Because I never turn down a challenge." He's all grins when he smoothly and vigorously shoves Buck forward, right onto the glass floor.
Flailing his arms, Buck squawks—earning some harsh stares from the couple—like a bird, while his terrified stare drops to his feet, his cheeks turning all kind of colors. "K-Kel!?"
"What?" Buck doesn't grace Kelly with a response and continues to squawk like a baby chick. "Evan, you're fine." Kelly's voice, a tone he uses specifically for his lovers, is delicate and gentle. "Look."
Hearing his name on Kelly's tongue, Buck freezes and drops his arms. His head pops up, his eyes scanning his surroundings. He freezes for 30 seconds, his chest the only part of him moving. He takes hesitated steps forward until he's inches from the glass wall and lifts his hand, palm out. His shaky hand hovers over surface before he presses his palm against the glass. It's cold to the touch, but Buck doesn't pull back from the glass. A look of awe replaces the wild panic expression that it once held mere seconds ago. "Wow." He utters, the tension gone from his body.
Kelly, his eyes on Buck, takes that as his clue to join him on the Ledge, but instead of reaching out to Buck and grasping his hand with his, Kelly bumps softly with his shoulder. "Beautiful, isn't it?" He pokes, though he isn't sure to what he is referring to. The city that he loves? Or the man next to him with largest smile Kelly has ever seen? "I've been in this city for my entire life, but it's something else to see it from up here."
"It is." Buck's gaze bounces across the skyline. "The view is probably breathtaking at night."
Yes, the city is beautiful at night, and while the time ticks by and there's a touch of darkness in the horizon, it doesn't compare. "It is." Kelly answers. Seeing the city lit up is something he will never forget, but it still doesn't compare to be here with Buck, who just shines. Shit, what is wrong with you, Severide? Why are you turning into goo?
Buck's hand twitches at his side, though it remains tucked at his side. "Thanks for bringing me here."
Kelly's heart constricts in his chest, and it gets hard to breathe. Again, there's something more in Buck's opened expression, a world of pain and relief all mixed together. It's odd. "It's no problem."
Taking his eyes off Chicago, Buck locks eyes with Kelly—causing the everyone else to fade—and gasps him by the forearm. "No, Kelly." He states firmly, his eyes blaring. "Thank you." He motions to the city. "I didn't realize how much I needed this. God, I needed this." He takes a deep breath, his grip tightening.
"I…um…" Kelly is suddenly tongue-tied, his entire mouth numb, as Buck's candid steals his breath. "Um…" It takes several long seconds for his brain to kick back into gear. Everything is starting to set in: Buck is opening up to him. Starting to trust him, which Kelly will wear with honor. "Ev, hey. No thanks needed. We're family, and this is what we do. We will always have your back." He leaves out 'I will always have your back' as Buck is already putting himself on a ledge, and Kelly doesn't want to freak him out. This isn't a date and Kelly's feelings are mute. This is for Buck.
Buck, his head bobbing, releases his vice grip on Kelly and takes a big step backward. "So, hey! Why don't we get some food?" He shouts unnecessary loud, as his hands flies to his stomach and rubs in a circular motion.
Kelly obviously clocks Buck's attempt to change the subject, his heart practically jumping out of his chest, but he doesn't call the ex-floater on it. "Sure, what are you thinking? Chicago has endless choices. You can basically sample the world here: German, Italian, Mexican, Greek, Colombian…. all kinds of food. What are you thinking?"
*O*O*
Initially, Kelly had listed the many food joints in Chicago, starting with all of his favorite, but after throwing out ten places, he promptly shut his mouth and made the executive decision. Sure, they ordered pizza at the fire house multiple times, but why not start with Chicago famous deep-dish pizza with the sauce on top? This is the good stuff, the stuff that will put 30 pounds in all the wrong places if Kelly lets it. Kelly doesn't watch his weight like some people, being on Squad 3 a workout on its own, but he does like to eat healthy and workout.
Settled in the back corner booth of the packed restaurant, Kelly is staring at Buck, who is mouthwatering at the two deep dish pizzas. (Yes, they need two. Don't judge them. They are hungry men.) "Hungry?"
Buck's ravenous eyes flicker up as his cheeks blossom. "I…Um…" He exhales deeply. "Yes, been starving all day."
"Wait? What? You should've told me." Kelly chastises softly, though it's more aimed at himself for not noticing.
"Um…" Buck shrugs lightly and dejectedly. He shakes his head, a war going on behind his eyes. "It's no biggie." Another long pause before a smile cracks across his face, this one dimmer than the previous ones. Yet, a brighter one takes its place instantly. "But this bad boy is all mine!" He reaches forward and pulls the one of the pies toward him. "Mine." He says over joyously under his breath. Changing yet again, his grin is devilish.
Buck doesn't waste any time as he snatches up a piece of pizza—sauce going everywhere- and immediately stuffs the slice into his mouth. And by stuffs, Kelly means stuffs. If it wasn't so disgusting, it might've been adorable. "Buck… Evan," he calls out. "Babe, you're going to choke." His gaze falls to the sauce and grease dropping down from Buck's mouth. The nickname that falls out of Kelly's mouth goes unnoticed by him.
Freezing mid bite, Buck glances up, his blue eyes swirling. His mouth opens to speak, but he slams it shut and swallows the chewed slice of pizza in his mouth. Almost immediately after, he reaches for his beer and takes a few big sips. He tsks when his mouth is empty. "See good." His heated gaze is still on Kelly.
"You inhaled that, and that's just sacrilegious. You aren't even tasting it." Kelly shots back as he reaches for the other pie. Like he is demonstrating tech, he takes slice and holds it out for a second before he brings it to his lips and takes a single bite. Meeting Buck's gaze, he lets out an over-the-top moan as he chews and swallows. "HMMMM," he hums, taking another bite. He does this with every bite, his stare not dropping, and when he finishes with this slice, he daps his lips with a napkin. "See that's how you eat these babies." He reaches for his beer.
Buck's eyes are in fine points before he reaches for another slice. "Okay, okay." He accedes as he waves it briefly at Kelly. He ostentatiously and flamboyantly brings the slice to his lips and take a single bite. He passes the bite from left to right, taking his sweet time, before he swallows it. He waits a second before he takes another bite, repeating what Kelly did. "Okay, I get it." He scrunches up his face. "The sauce on top."
Kelly beams. "And it is less disgusting."
"Hey!"
"It's the truth." Buck over-dramatically rolls his eyes. Snickering, Kelly let his gaze fall. "We wouldn't want to annoy the next waitress."
"Wait, the next?" Buck asks, his eyebrow in his hairline.
Okay, it's presumptuous of Kelly to assume there will be a next, but he doesn't care. Date or not, he enjoys spending time with Buck. Enjoys getting a peek into his brain, and he will always be up to spending more time with him. "Yes. Next time. There's so much more of Chicago to see…" he hesitates. "…If you are up to it."
"I…um… Yea… Yes!" Buck's cherry cheeks are back, his eyes catching a few wondering stares. "I would love to."
Kelly will never admit how giddy he was planning and coming up with ideas. Shit, his list was—still is long, and he had divided them into days before he realized what he was doing. "Good, because there's so much more to do. We can go to a football or a baseball game, though the latter due to the time of the year. The Field Museum—our history museum-, Shedd Aquarium, the Lincoln Park Zoo. I know not everyone enjoys those things, but hey, aren't lions cool?" Yes, Kelly knows he's rambling, but shit, his heart is bellowing in his ear. "Also, so much more foods to try. You hadn't lived until you tired a Jibarito or a Chicago-style hot dog. The Tacos at Las Carnitas Uruapan are to—"
The words die on Kelly's tongue, and his entire brain halts at the sunken expression on Buck's face. What the hell did he just say? "Hey," he speaks softly, his face masked in concern. "Is everything okay? Did I say something?"
"N-No." Buck shutters, as he pushes the half-eaten pizza away, his hand shaking. "It's nothing." He forces out when he notices his trembling hand. It isn't extreme, but it's enough to transfer to the plate, which ratters. "I'm fine. It's fine."
Yea no, Buck is definitely not fine, which Kelly will not stand for. "Evan," Kelly calls, reaching a hand forward and placing a gentle hand on Buck's. Buck tries to tung his hand away, but Kelly doesn't budge, keeping a firm hand on his. "Hey. No. Talk to me. What's up?"
A pained, thick silence falls, Buck eyes flickering everywhere except Kelly's face. His mouth open and shut a few times before he bits down on his bottom lip, the shivering in his hand worsening. After a few minutes passes—his corner of his lips twitching-, he glances up, and with a look that screams 'fuck it', he says, "M-my…" He shakes his head before meeting Kelly's gentle, warm stare with a very weak and melancholy smile. "The Z-zoo is what I u-used to do with my f-former buddy's kid. It was our t-thing, and I really missed it… Him. I miss him."
It's a magnitude of things: Buck's expression, his body language, the shiver in his hand, his tones, etc, but it's the complete change in his aura that gets Kelly. That carefree Buck that Kelly saw today is gone. "Tell me about this kid." Kelly probes softly. This isn't the first time Buck mentioned his former friend, though shutting down completely the times he did. While Kelly worries that this may cause Buck to shut down again, he hopes their new friendship will give Buck the comfort to speak. "What's his name?"
At first Kelly believes history will repeat when he's hit by a cold silence, but the ex-floater spurts out, "Christopher," a few seconds later. His frown morphs into a fond smile. "His name is Christopher. He's one of my best buddies."
"How old is he?" Unconsciously, Kelly's thump begins to swirl, caressing Buck's hand fondly.
"Nine. The coolest 9-year-old ever."
"I think Herrmann will fight you on that…." Kelly pauses, his head bobbing back and fore. "Okay…sometimes. Sometimes he wants to give them back." He lets out a chuckle. "Anyhow, I don't think you can make that statement. Have you met every nine-year-old on this planet?" he finally removes his hand from Buck's and shakes his index finger at him in a 'for shame' motion.
Buck snorts. "You say that because you hadn't met Christopher." While he's grinning, his tone is protective.
Playfully, Kelly throws up his both hands in a mock surrender. "Okay, then. Tell me."
"Christopher has to be one of the brightest and happiest kids I have ever met, letting nothing get him down. I mean nothing, and it's contagious." A fond memory passes across his face, his eyes going glassy for a moment. "He'll tell jokes until you're blue in the face. Even the flat ones are hilarious, but it's all his performance." Buck's smile is so big and loopy that it hurts Kelly's jaw. "I swear you can't leave without a jaw hurting grin on your face. God, he's so funny."
"I bet." Kelly doesn't have kids of his own, but he can't deny the tug in his heart whenever he spends any time with the 51's kids. He lost count to how many times Hermann's kids have brought him to tears, his heart fluttering in the process. "Sounds like a fun kid."
Buck's head continually nods. "He is. He loves learning. Never turning down the Zoo, the history or science museum. And video games were our jam." His voice drops on the word 'were.'
Kelly understands how distance can kill relationships, especially with kids who don't understand, but he knows enough to know this goes deeper. "It still can. Why don't you reach out to him?"
"I-I can't." He shutters.
"Why?" It's simple and non-judgmental.
"I just can't. Not to any of them."
Any of them? What is Buck running from? "Evan." Silence. "Who can't you talk to?"
Buck sits back in the booth, his hands disappearing under the table. "My sister… my old firehouse."
"Your sister? You have a sister?" Buck nods. "Surely, you can't mean that. No doubt she would love for you to reach out." He can't comprehend not being able to call Katie whenever he wants to chat, not being to reach out to her when he has an issue. Sure, he's aware that not every sibling relationship is good, but most don't have the love for their siblings that Kelly sees in Buck.
"I can't."
His grief in Buck's tone just breaks Kelly's heart. It takes everything in Kelly not to reach across the table and pull the young man into a hug. "So, hey, you want to get out of here and go for a walk?" Kelly asks instead of pushing harder. Sure, they already spent the morning walking, but Kelly is hoping a change of scenery will help.
*O*O*
Kelly takes them to Promontory Point, which is a breathtaking place along the lake, and for a while they walk the pathway, the cool air from the lake striking them. For a moment with the waves roaring besides them, Buck forgets he left LA and is walking along the cold beach with his friends and family. That is until he looks over and sees Kelly smiling at him with the warmest smile that he has ever seen, which causes his heart to flutter. Buck will never regret spending the day with Kelly, one of the few days that he truly felt like himself. He won't trade it for anything, but bringing up Christopher brought up old feelings, which hits him like a train. "Sorry for being a downer." He says, as he stares up into the night sky.
"Don't be sorry." Comes Kelly's strong voice.
Buck goes lightheaded. Throughout the entire day—yes, the entire day-, Buck wanted to close the distance between them, grasp Kelly's hand and pull him close, but he shoves those thoughts aside and the words 'This is not a date' echo loudly in his head. God, every touch from Kelly throughout the day sent a shock wave through his body and Buck almost jump into Kelly's arms each time. His knees almost buckled with every smile and sweet word. He can't get Kelly's 'That's adorable.' out of his head. "Here you're being nice, and I ruined our d-"
"Stop."
Buck freezes, his words died on his tongue, as he looks over to Kelly only to be met with a determined yet tender look. "I…I…" He's melting under intense gaze.
Whatever Kelly is looking for, he mustn't have seen it as he moves suddenly into Buck's space. "Fuck it." He curses.
Before Buck realizes what Kelly's doing, he is entrapped between Kelly's chest and arms. The coolness of the lake can't compete with the heat radiating off Kelly. "Kel," he utters, realizing how close he's to the older man's face. While he has a few inches over the lieutenant in height, their lips are mere two inches part. "W-What are you d-doing?"
"It's a hug, Evan."
Buck has said it may times that he isn't the biggest fan of his name, but it does something to him to hear Evan or Ev roll off Kelly's tongue. "A hug."
"Yes."
A hug. Has it been that long that he has forgotten what they felt like? How can he forget what a hug is? God, he missed them. "A hug," he expresses, mostly to himself before he folds up against Kelly. He hooks his arms under Kelly's armpits and pulls him close and tight, and though it isn't the most comfortable, he rests his head on Kelly's shoulder. A metal facet of Kelly's leather jacket bites into his forehead, but he doesn't move and relaxes every muscle.
"I got you." Kelly says, sweetly, as one of his hands starts to rub a cycle into Buck's lower back. "I got you, Ev."
Just like that, Buck's knees buckle, and he lets it all out. Tears flow before Buck realizes it, a shudder running through his entire body. He may be a hot mess, who can barely keep upright, but it's like the weight on his shoulders is vanishing. He feels wanted and- oddly—safe in Kelly's arms. He's worth something in Kelly's arms even if they are just friends.
"It's okay. Let it out."
Which is what Buck does. He lets out every wet sob he has been holding back, and it isn't pretty, him a blubbering mess, but he can't find it in him to care. He has been holding in it for so long that he is just so tired and beaten. It's so refreshing to have some there that he reminds there in Kelly's arms, basking in the warmth and safety. Buck doesn't stir until his heart feels light and his soul is warm. It feels like hours have passed, but he doesn't know how much when he lifts his head and resists the urge to wink. His tears are acting like glue, and he has to peel himself off.
While Kelly's left hand goes to Buck's hip, right travels up Buck's side to the base of his neck, his thumb settling on edge of his jawline. "You okay?" he asks, meeting Buck's glossy, red eyes.
Buck shaky inhales before he lets out a quivering breath, but he does not break away from the stare. "Yes." The intimacy of this is not lost on him, but no one comments on it. The chants of 'This is not a date' are meaningless here.
"You… want to talk about?"
That's a load question if there ever is one. While a part of him is terrified to, Buck wants to tell Kelly, who doesn't know what he is truly asking. He has said this time and time again, but he does genuinely want to move on with his life and get over the past. There is no deleting the past, and the lawsuit will always be there, but he no longer wants to be haunted by it. He wants a future with… Kelly. Shit, what? No!... Maybe…what? Buck takes a deep breath. You can't lie to him then. That treacherous voice in his head reasons. "Yea, just don't know if I can." He laments.
Kelly's thumb begins to swirl on Buck's chin. "Hey. If you are worried about judgement, you won't find it here."
It isn't the first time Buck has heard this from Kelly, but anyone can say that. Anyone. The 118… It doesn't mean it's true. And yet, as Buck leans into Kelly's touch, he wants to believe him. Captain Casey didn't judge. His voice of reason shots out. "I…"
"I can't judge you, Evan."
With a deep breath, both of Kelly's hands drop to the side and he takes one big step backward. The loss of heat is immediate and snaps Buck's out of his thoughts. Wait come back! "What?"
"About ten years ago, I hurt my shoulder real bad in a fire." Kelly's voice dips, signalling there's more to the story. "And by bad, I mean it was bad."
"I don-"
Kelly raises his hand to stop him. "Just listen." Buck nods, his face still red from the tears. "I destroyed my shoulder, requiring surgery, but I refused help. At first, I was in denial, thinking it would get better. Everything gets better in time, right?" He let out a bitter chuckle. "So, I just started popping pain pills to mask the pain. It worked until it didn't, and eventually the pain couldn't be ignored. With pressure from my friends, I finally made an appointment with a doctor, who told me that I needed an operation and won't be able to work for a year. A full year if not longer." He lets out a pained groan. "I protested so strongly at the idea. I'm a firefighter, Evan. A firefighter. I couldn't be out for a year. I just couldn't. Even now, I buck at the idea. I don't know where I would be without this job. I am this job."
The pain in Kelly's voice is so striking that Buck is left breathless, and yet, it feels almost… refreshing and familiar? Buck takes a deep, shaky breath.
"So instead, I was an idiot." He huffs, the memory clearly painful for him. "I relied on painkillers and when the over-the-counter ones weren't enough, I asked S-Shaw, one of our paramedics and my best friend/roommate, for stronger ones. Stronger ones from the ambulance." His eyes flicker away for a moment before they zip back to Buck, who can see the pain and shame in his eyes. "A-at the time, I didn't care that I put her career in jeopardy because I only cared about me. She was my best friend, but I was too damn stupid and selfish to see how much I was hurting her." A tremor runs through him. "When she finally put her foot down, I took my miss placed anger on her. Wasn't my best moment. It put a massive strain between us. It's one of the things I regret the most." Kelly gives him a weak smile.
"Yet did that stop me? No. At that point, I was an addict and had to do whatever it took to get the pain to stop. I didn't realize then but do now is that I was chasing the feeling the pills gave me." Kelly's gaze drops to his feet. "I-I, then, tracked down a former fling, who happened to be a pharmaceutical rep. After a few rounds of sex, she provided me with some illegal drugs, only legal with a prescription. I lied to Shaw," his voice cracking over the name, "and told her I saw the doctor. Lied to everyone. I thought I would get away with it until one call, which resulted in Boden requiring a station wide drug test, a drug test I tried to get out of. I eventually came clean to Shaw, begging for her help. The l-look of disappointment in her eyes killed me—still does, and I-I thought she had written me off when she walked away. However, she came through for me by providing a false sample for testing."
Kelly's eyes scan Buck's face, searching for something. "I thought I was getting my friend back, my best friend; however, it just pushed her further. She moved out and refused to talk to me afterward. The loss of our friendship, among other things, was the kick that I needed. I came clean with Boden, who wasn't pleased and promptly put me on a medical leave. I can't blame him. He could've done so much worse. He could've fired me. Maybe, he should have. Every day I was high on drugs, I put lives in danger. I should've lost my job, but Boden, Casey… Everyone was there for me when I finally got the surgery. Because 51 is a family. I made it back to the job in record time with their support." He exhales deeply, fear passing across his face. "I hope that doesn't change your opinion on me. The 'famous,'" He puts air quotes around the word. "Kelly Severide is a former addict."
Buck's mind is spinning. That was the last thing he expected to hear from Kelly, but no, it doesn't change his mind on Kelly. In fact, it makes Kelly more human to him, makes him a better friend. A better person. It makes prefect. "It doesn't." he states, honestly.
"Good, I am glad." Kelly smiles. "So please know when I say I won't judge you, it's the honest truth. You can talk to me." He takes a step back to Buck and reaches out a hand. "There's nothing you can say that will scare me off."
It finally dawns on Buck when Casey told him: 'he might understand more than most,' he meant it "Okay." With a deep breath, Buck takes Kelly's hand and begins telling the lieutenant about the lawsuit and the aftermath.
Author note
So if both sides want it to be a date but don't tell the other, is it a date? I also realized that this is chapter 15 and there is still no kiss. What is wrong with me?
With the last scene, it was tough to write, but I think it turned out well. I think Kelly and Buck has a lot in common, especially the fact that firefighting means so much for the both of them. I used that for Buck to feel safe in telling Kelly about the lawsuit.
I haven't intended for the chapter to end up here, wanting to get Maddie into this Chapter, but this chapter is already 9k words, so I will save that for the next chapter.
Anyhow, let me know what you think!
