Hey all!
I am sorry it took so long, but I hope the wait was worth. Please let me know via reviews.
Also, I am sorry for any mistakes. I was in a rush and wanted to get this out today.
Chapter 16:
Bare it all
Los Angeles
"Chimney thinks he knows where Evan is." Maddie shots out after five minutes of silence, the hair on her arms standing up. She arrived at Athena's house ten minutes ago, unable to stand the quiet of her small apartment and the loudness of her own mind. With Buck frowning face staring back at her, her once safe places feels like a prison.
Athena's right eyebrow raises up to hairline. "Oh, really?" She munches on that thought before adding, "Where does he think Buck wandered off to?" No matter the time or day, the Sergeant always welcomes the 911 operator into her home with a smile on her face and a warm embrace. Her friendship is irreplaceable and vital to Maddie's sanity, and she doesn't know where she would be without it.
"Chicago."
"Chicago?" Athena utters from her kitchen. Her head popping up, she peeks over her shoulder at Maddie, who sitting stiffly at the dinner room table. Her eyes are on the quiet backyard, while her back is to Athena. The cop only allows herself to stew on that for second before she refocuses her attention on the teapot whistling on the stove.
Maddie mindlessly nods, as she thinks back to the many conversations Howard and her had on the subject, which never ends well. "That's where the last postcard I got from Evan came from." She states, dejectedly. It's heartbreaking to think about. As weeks went by, she checked continuously for postcards that she knew wouldn't come and deflated seconds later even though she knew there wouldn't be. She does regret how moody she got afterward, which Howard took like a champ. She lost count how many times she cried. Lost count how many times she read through the old postcards. Lost count how many times she reached for her phone to call Buck only to remember his number is no longer in service (the first time she got the 'this number is no longer in service' was a jab to the throat). Those first few weeks after the postcards stopped were bad.
Reaching up into her cabinet for the teabags, Athena's eyes narrowed. "That doesn't necessary mean anything. Did Buck send you a postcard from every place he visited?"
While her chest tightens thinking about this radio silence, Buck has done this before. There were a few years prior to his time Peru that she hadn't heard from him at all (her fearing he was dead), and to this day, Maddie still doesn't know where he was during those years besides Buck's failed Navy Seal tryout. He always shrugged it off, giving a non-sensible response. Knowing how Buck bounced around, Maddie accepted it. Now, she wishes she pushed more as it seems like he is doing it again.
Maddie takes a shaky breath before she goes, "No. Plus, he's done with route 66." It didn't go unnoticed to her or Athena from where the postcards were coming. He is—or was—driving the famous Route 66. She originally had an impulsive idea to fly to a random place on the route and wait for him, but she was quickly talked out of that. "But that isn't the only reason he thinks Evan is in Chicago." Athena, an empty cup in hand, straightens up and turns ever so slightly, her eyes narrowed. "When the District chief was at the station, he got a call from the Chicago Fire Department."
"So?" The cop draws out as she pours the hot water into the cup. "Did he happen to hear what was on this phone call?" She tsks as she sets the teapot back down and dips the teabags in. "Because that could be about anyone or anything. I'm sure fire departments from across the country, especially as ones as large as the LAFD and CFD, communicate."
"He did not. He's… He's just…" Maddie exhales deeply. "Spinning gears," she spits out as she points to her head. "It just…"
Athena hums in agreement, her eyes on her hands as she swirls the teabags. She allows a few seconds to pass before she crosses back to the table, concern laced through her entire face. "You okay?" She asks, as she sets down one of the warm teacups in front of Maddie.
Maddie gives her a small smile and a meek "Thank you," as she accepts the hot drink. Staring down into the Ginger Tea, she spaces, her eyes glossing over.
"Maddie, how are you?"
These last five—almost six—months has been stressful, and Maddie's pregnancy has been anything but smooth, though that's for a few different reasons: Buck missing, her complicated relationship with Howard, rounds of never-ending morning sickness, etc. And she has no doubt that her pregnancy hormones are kicking her entire body out of whack, causing part of her to ache in places that she doesn't know is possible.
The sounds of a chair scraping from across the table caused by Athena sitting snaps Maddie from her thoughts. "Buckette?" she pokes softly, as she carefully places her hand next to Maddie's though not touching.
The oh too familiar nickname makes the soon to be new mother smile. For a month or so after Buck left, Maddie, though she knew it was unfair, harshly judged Athena as if it was her fault. With the help of her therapist, she has been able to work through her initial anger, though she can't rid herself of the bitterness that courses through her veins toward everyone else. "I'm fine." No, she is definitely not fine.
Athena lets out a small huff. "You don't have to sugarcoat it with me, Maddie."
"I know." Maddie replies, as she rubs a protective circle onto her stomach. Since learning she was pregnant, she has been touching her stomach nonstop. Half of the time, she doesn't notice she's doing it, only feeling comfort when she does.
"How are you and Chimney?"
Maddie's heart jumps. That's a complicated question, a question that Maddie can't begin to answer. At first, she told Chimney she didn't want to speak to him until she heard from Evan, which she meant. Evan is her brother; however, after the postcards and learning that she was pregnant, that changed. It had to. While nothing will compare to hearing Evan's voice, those postcards lifted her spirit, and she could breathe. It gave her the strength to reach out to Howard after getting those positive pregnant tests (Yes, she needed a few) to let him know about the baby. After getting over his initial excitement, a string of sentences flew out of his mouth. Mix in were messy, heartfelt apologies, which she added to the never-ending list of apologies he hurls at her. Honestly, she has lost count and is sick of them.
"It's complicated." And that is the honest truth. Maddie doesn't know what to do with their relationship. On one hand, she wants to make it work, especially considering how safe and loved Howard makes her feel. The part of her that Doug smashed and ripped to pieces blossomed under Howard's love and she doesn't want to lose that… She can't. She doesn't know who she would be without it. But on the other hand, she doesn't know how to get over the fact that Howard stood by and let Buck be isolated and tortured by the entire 118.
Athena tilts her head to the side, her eyes drilling a hole into the side of Maddie's face. "How is therapy going?"
Maddie scowls. Having been to therapy before, she knows the drill. Therapy is meant to rip you down so you can put yourself back together with insights you didn't have prior, but between individual and couple therapy, she is raw. Yes, it is vital but draining. "It's going."
"Maddie."
"It's going." She repeats through her teeth, as her eyes dash to the kids in front of the television, which is just a tad too loud, the sounds of animated car crashing echoing throughout the house. Harry, Danny, and Christopher are playing video games. Well, more so, Harry and Danny are. Christopher's eyes are glued to his tablet, which breaks Maddie's heart. Just like with her, he's watching his device like a hawk, waiting for any kind of response from Buck. She, which she does often, wants to take the boy into her arms and hug him until he tells her to stop. She wishes she could do something more for Christopher, but all she can do is let him know that she's here for him.
Shifting in her chair, Athena watches Maddie fiddle with her cup of tea, the liquid whooshing under the consistent movement. "That can mean a lot of things." She prods.
Maddie let out a long groan. "I just wish Howard would stop apologizing." Her eyes drop to her cup. "I know he's trying and that every apology is sincere, but…" She bits down on her lip. What are apologies good for? Nothing. They don't change the past. They can't erase the pain or the destruction left behind. On the verge of tears, she chokes down the sob working its way up her dry throat.
"But it doesn't bring Buck back." Athena finishes.
Letting out a gasp, Maddie, a protective hand on her bump, shakes her head no. She takes a few shaky breathes before she goes, "In one of our therapy sessions, I snapped on him after he apologized for the third time, demanding him to stop." A tremor ran through her entire body, the teacup shuddering in her hand. Her eyes drop to the hot liquid, her having no interest in drinking it anymore. "I felt so guilty afterward because he's trying… I just can't…" The words get tangled on her tongue.
Athena gives Maddie a soft, fond look. "You can be honest with me. Do you want to fix things?"
Maddie, woefully, starts to imagine her future daughter, a smile on her face as she looks up at both of her parents. In every future she sees, both Howie and her are there, together. The new mother refuses to envision anything but the best for her daughter, which starts with being the opposite of her parents are. The first thing on the top of that list is loving parents who got along. "I want the best for my daughter."
"That doesn't mean you Chimney have to be together." Athena offers.
Her therapist had told her this a few times, but it stings to hear it from Athena. It literally feels like someone has punched her, which takes her by a complete surprise. Just when she thinks she wants to walk away, she can't. "…I-I know." She shutters. "H-How are you and Bobby doing?"
Athena's eyes zip to Harry, her gaze zooming in on his determine yet grinning expression. A million emotions are running through her eyes. "We're better but are nowhere where we used to be, and at times, I find my patience for that man is wearing thin." Her gaze pops back to Maddie, tad bit of fondness laced in. "He's still sleeping in the spare bedroom."
"How are you getting passing E-Evan…" His name is itchy on her tongue and kills her train of thought, and her heart drops to her stomach. Even though she still loves Chimney, she can't get over that fact. Howard may be smiling at her, but at times, she only sees a frowning, depressed Buck. As the Buckley parents pretty much ignored Evan's existence—raw from Daniel's passing-, Evan and her bonded in ways that she can't describe. Evan will forever be her baby brother, and she will be extremely protective of him for the rest of his life.
"I am not."
"What?... I-I don't understand."
"It's a work in progress, and that's okay. It isn't a race."
That's another thing her therapist tells her, and while it's meant to calm her nerves and apprehension, it does the opposite. She feels even more like a failure, her doing therapy wrong. Maddie knows it doesn't work like this, but still. Why can't she like other people? Why is it take her so long? Why couldn't she see it? "I know."
Athena sits back in her chair, a conflicted expression glued to her face. "Don't take this the wrong way, because I love that boy and I'll always be there if he needs me. No matter what. However, he's a grown man, and we need to trust that he can take care of himself, while we take care of ourselves. You have to take care of yourself, Maddie. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially someone who isn't here. You got a new priority now." Her eyes drop to part of the table that hid Maddie's baby bump. "Focus on her! Focus on things you can do."
She's right, and Maddie knows that, but she can't help the bitterness that boils up. "I—" She bits down her lip and pushes back her frustration. Her heart pound, she glances back to Christopher, his pain nibbling at her. "You're right."
"I know I am." Athena smiles, though her grin doesn't reach face. "And I got you, Buckette."
Once more, Athena reaches her hand out, though Maddie grasps it this time. "Thank you." Maddie says as she squeezes for her hand.
"No thanks needed. We're family."
While the 118 family is a shall of its former self, Maddie would be lost without Athena, Karen, and Carla. These women are a godsent. "Why don't we go check on those kids? Be good practice?"
Athena rolls her eyes and laughs. "Sure, but if your little girl is playing video games right out of the womb, you can't blame me."
"If that happen, I'll be scared." Feeling mentally better, Maddie slowly pushes herself up using the table for support, her arms quivering. Once up right, it takes her a few seconds to adjust, as her legs wobble beneath her. Oh, the joy of being pregnant. "I'm good." She smiles as she heads toward the boys with Athena tailing behind her. She, unintentionally, abandons her phone on the table, her eyes solely on Christopher, and because of this, she misses an email notification flashing on her phone.
An email from account she has been emailing off and on for months without a response. An email from Buck.
*O*O*
Chicago
Before Buck can start his tale, Kelly, hand on his shoulder, directs Buck to the limestone steps of Promontory Point, which leads down to the chilly lake, and sits one step up from the water. "Here's fine." With the cold air rolling off the water, the Lieutenant sits next to Buck. Warmly smiling, he doesn't push and lets Buck get it out in his own time, despite his own nerves. "Take it slow, Ev." He places a gentle hand on Buck's knee and squeezes.
Buck exhales unevenly, his eyes on Kelly's hand on his knee. "It…ah..."
"Take a deep." Kelly attempts to demonstrate this action by taking a deep breath himself. He does it a few times, which Buck erratically copies. "Good?"
"Yes." Buck faintly smiles as he places his left hand on top of Kelly's, an instant heat flooding them. The cold night air cannot compete. For a few minutes, they bask in this heat, holding the other's intense stare, before Buck suddenly looks away. "So, long story short, this happened when my f-former Captain was suspended—a story for another time- and was off shift."
Kelly has to bite down on the side of his cheek to prevent him from asking 'when what happen.' Buck has to get this out on his own and at his own speed. Buck takes another shaky breath before he continues, "Years ago, Bobby, my old Captain, helped to put an arsonist, who set his restaurant on fire for the insurance money, behind bars. After he died in jail, his son wanted revenge against Bobby, blaming him for his father's death." His leg vibrates beneath Kelly's firm grip. "He made several threats, but no one thought to check the fire trucks as Bobby was his target, not us. Tragically, that's where the son put a bomb."
Shit. A chilling, nightmarish memory works its way forward: a horrific bombing of a fire engine in LA that made national news. "And it exploded." he states slowly. "I know—"
Buck's breathing wavers, his eyes squeezing shut. He painfully forces himself to take a deep breath before he nonchalantly cuts Kelly off, "So, you've seen the video." He sounds deflated.
The pain in Buck's voice breaks Kelly into a million pieces. "Yes." He breathes out, as he shifts closer, their legs now touching. The gruesome video is so striking that Kelly can still visualize it and remember exactly where he was when it flashed across the TV screen. He and the rest of 51, dead on their feet, were about to turn in for the night when they all froze on the spot at the ghastly sight. While they may not know any of the firefighters injured in the attack, they could not look away from their fellow firefighters who were being held hostage by a mad man with a bomb.
"I-I was on that truck." Buck puffs out, the jitters in his knee getting worse. His eyes flicker to Kelly before dropping back to their hands. "I don't remember much after i-it exploded." His voice shakes. "I…just…" A large shiver runs through his body, his chest pulsing. "Only r-remember the p-pain. Only remember c-crying out for help, but there was no help."
Kelly chokes on his threat, as he racks his brain—that memory—in an attempt to recall faces. At the time, the faces were pointless, unimportant, as he just took in the awful scene. A small headache forming, he can't recall any facial features besides the bomber, only remembering the firefighters hurled to the ground and the one pinned beneath the truck. However, the memory does takes on a new meaning after learning that Buck is one of those firefighters, and suddenly, there's this unbridled anger in his gut which he keeps to himself. Buck doesn't need this intense rage. "Ev-"
"I was the firefighter whose leg was pinned beneath the truck."
The world just stops, and it takes Kelly a moment to boot back up, not that it rights his world. Nothing can right him. What can he say? What does Buck want/need to hear? Instead, he lifts his hand up slight, dislodging Buck's hand for a moment, before he flips his palm up and grasping Buck's hand.
Buck, not pulling away, clutches Kelly's hand tightly, pain shooting up the lieutenant's arm, and a few deep breaths later, he begins his story. He talks about the shooting pain and the paralyzing fear that rocked him from beneath the engine as he cried out for help. He talks about his recovery and how alone he felt, his friends and family not understanding how much firefighting means to him. He mentions arguing with his sister about a risky surgency he needed (even if she disagreed), one that could greatly impact his life if it went wrong. His wet eyes glaze over a moment as he speaks Maddie's name, the love clear as day between.
With a weak smile, Buck talks about how hard he worked to get his job back. About how he regains his LAFD certification five months after his accident, breaking records while doing so. After pausing to take a deep breath, he tells him about the pulmonary embolism, which would've killed him if it he hasn't been surrounded by first responders. He tells him how he lost his way afterward, feeling like an outcast, as no one was listening to him.
Buck pauses again, his grasp on Kelly's hand unrelenting. For a while, his breathing is heavy and rapid before he forces himself to inhale through his nose and exhale via his mouth. He does this a few times before he continues. He mentions how Bobby tells him he was no fit for duty and how devastated he was. He mentions how he refused to get out of bed for days, and it took Eddie—he fumbles over the name—literally dragging him out of bed to watch his Kid, Christopher (the famous Christopher). The way Buck skips over the next part, which tells Kelly that he's missing something, but it sounds like the kid was the kick that Buck needed.
Kelly is surprised when Buck mentions that his time as a fire marshal, waiting for the time that he was off the blood thinners. He tells Kelly that while he did feel better with a job, there was something missing, and that feeling got worse when he saw how happy his team was without him. Kelly has to bit his tongue to stop himself from interrupting, as he highly doubts that was the case, even if he understands why the Ex-Floater felt like that. Instead, he listens as Buck explains how an Ambulance Chasing lawyer, who he met on the job, puts dangerous thoughts in his weak mind, though he fully admits it is on him for listening.
The sound of waves provides a momentary distraction, the moon casting a favorable light on Buck's face. The tears forming in his eyes sparkle under the dim light. While Buck is holding onto Kelly for dear life, his hand quivers in the older man's hand, which draws the man closer to Buck. They're now shoulder to shoulder, as Kelly sends him peaceful thoughts though the contact. It takes a few silence minutes before Buck continues his story.
Exhaling, Buck explains how Bobby, his Captain, made it seem like it was the higher-ups in the department that kept him back, when it was him. He talks about how he felt utterly betrayed by the man who was a father figure to him and how that sent him running to the lawyer. From there, he explains how he sued the department and won by bringing up the other firefighters in station who returned to active duty in less time. Kelly has to admit that he is absolutely stunned by the lack of consistency. A rebar through the head and the firefighter is back on duty in no time?
"I didn't want the money," Buck offers out, eyeing Kelly from the corner of his eyes. He looks like a scared child preparing for a lashing. "I turned down the money for my position back. All seven digits."
Wait… what? "Wait? Did I hear that correctly? Did you say seven digits?"
"Yes, I was offered millions in the lawsuit."
Kelly's brain blue screens for a second time, not able to wrap his mind around this. How does someone get millions for a wrongful termination case? However, does that matter, Severide? His mind counters. The fact remains that Evan rejected millions to be a Firefighter tells Kelly everything he needs to know about the man. For putting their life on the line every shift, firefighters don't get paid much, many needing second jobs. And Buck turned millions for that? God, Kelly just loves this man a bit more. "Did your old team know how much money you turned down?"
Buck shakes his head. "No. I didn't think it was important."
"Evan, you turned down millions. That's everything." He counters. "Not many people would do that, and to get that much, means you had a case."
"I guess."
You guess? What the fuck? Kelly doesn't know what to make of all of it, still processing everything, but he can't and won't fault the man for doing everything that he could to get his job back, especially after hearing how he turned down a shit ton of money. For him to act like this—so indifferently-, he must've went through hell. "I…" he breathes through his nose, exhaling out his anger. "Did they put you back in your old house?" With your old Captain and team?
"Yes."
Kelly blinks. "What?" He isn't a white shirt, but there's no way in hell that he would've placed Buck back in the same house, well unless he was damn sure Buck wouldn't have been harassed. Regardless of intentions, this could've (Considering Buck is here, did) gone wrong for everyone, all those emotions under one roof.
"My former Captain wanted to keep me under his watchful eyes, under his rules."
Judging by the sad tones in Buck's voice, those watchful eyes were anything but friendly or helpful. Kelly despises the idea of someone mistreating Buck, but he gets it. Firehouses are families, and lawsuits will always rip families apart, which is why Buck should've been placed in a different house. Or rather, they needed a Chief Boden. He thinks to himself, as Boden would've snuffed any mistreatment with an iron fist. "Evan, what happened?" Buck tries to pull his hands out Kelly's, though Kelly's grip doesn't loosen. Instead, he pulls Buck's hand into his lap and puts his free hand on Buck's wrist. "It's okay."
Buck angles himself toward Kelly, his eyes not quite reaching Kelly's face. "I…" He takes a shaky breath. "As you can imagine, my coworkers weren't pleased, feeling betrayed, and honestly, I don't blame them. I deserved it."
"Hey, no." Kelly protests, strongly. "Don't go there." The lieutenant could say the same thing about himself after Casey and Boden learned about his drug addiction. They should've fired him, and if they did, Kelly wouldn't have blamed them. "How they treat you is on them, not you."
"I…" Buck huffs. "I know…" A pause. "I know. It's j-just hard."
"Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
"T-Thanks." Is Buck's shaky response. A few long-hushed minutes pass as he attempts to douse the shivers running the full length of his body. The slapping of the waves drowns out Buck's strained heaves.
With his hand still grasping Buck's, Kelly, in silence, just sits next to him and eyes the conflicted frown on the younger Firefighter's face. He looks both heartbroken and ashamed, which Kelly understands. While Buck hasn't said much about his life prior to the lawsuit, he can piece it together. Firehouses are families, and though the lawsuit corrupted it, there is still that connection, that loyalty, that love. That's why this is so hard to admit what happened, to acknowledge what painful things his family did.
Finally, Buck puffs before he turns back to Kelly, sad smile gracing his face. "It's hard to talk about." While his voice and tones are smooth, his pained is laced throughout his body.
Kelly wants to say he gets it, but he doesn't. While there are moments in his career when he butted heads with his fellow firefighters, he has no idea what it feels like to have his entire house turn on him. "It's okay, Evan."
Unconsciously or consciously, Buck leans against Kelly, putting some of his weight on him. "Thank you."
"No thanks needed." He replies, not minding the weight.
There's another puff of air before Evan goes, "I knew it wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows when I returned to the firehouse… Okay, I didn't not know. I expected push back, but not to the degree that I got it. I simply didn't expect them to be…" He takes a deep breath. "C-cruel."
Kelly switches hands, grasping Buck's hand with his left, and wraps his right arm around Buck. He's aware of how intimate this is, how close Buck is, but he doesn't care. "What did they do?"
"At first, they froze me out. Like…" Buck bites down on his lip. "Out of everything." He pauses, sitting up, though still holding onto Kelly. "I'm an overly friendly person, who will talk everyone's ears off if they let me, so it that hurt." Buck lets out a wet sigh. "I-It stung each time it went silent whenever I stepped near, with only the whispers of 'be careful what you say around Buckley as he'll tell his lawyer and sue you' filling the air." Buck huffs. "It became a running joke whenever. 'Oh, will Buckley sue us for this?' 'Oh, don't invite that him. He'll use everything you say against you.'"
Yes, Kelly is self-aware enough to know that he would take it personally if someone he loved sued his fire station or him, even if the lawsuit wasn't frivolous. However, he doesn't see himself being angry for long, as Buck only wanted his job back, not money. Kelly understands how much firefighting means to Buck, and he'll never fault anyone for fighting for it. "But that isn't a joke."
"No." Buck states drily. "But I supposed I rather have the jokes than being iced out." A heavy pause. "I was excluded from everything. I was no longer invited to team night outs. No longer invited to team Barbecues. Team anything. Heck, I wasn't even told when dinner was ready, not that there was ever a plate for me… Or food. Firehouse din—" He violently shakes his head as he holds back a sob. "Dinner used to be a special thing between my Captain and I, but it was yanked from me, and I was given a cold stare whenever I looked at the stove… Instead, I was criticized for everything."
"He taught you to cook." Kelly states, as he recalls an earlier conversation.
"Yes."
"And you never reported this?"
"No, I thought I could handle it until they forgive me… Because, they had to forget me, right? Right?"
The grief in Buck's voice feels like a bullet to the heart. "But they didn't?" Kelly might've been able to handle the silent treatment for a few weeks, but there's a way Buck could handle that. Even when he tried to hide it, Buck loves people, loves being around them. Loves being in conversations. Isolation would—is—a death sentence for him.
"No." Buck's words are barely above a whisper, as he fights to keep a straight face. "After a month, it got worse, as if they were upset their silence hadn't chased me off… But it couldn't then. I still saw them as my family, a family that I simply needed to win back."
Kelly can't help but wonder what or who in Evan's life made him so desperate for love and attention. This trauma goes much farther than his former firehouse being cruel. This is childhood trauma poking through, which Kelly knows all too well. Buck suddenly moves and excavated himself from Kelly's arms, and though the Lieutenant doesn't want to let him go, he allows Buck to pull away. "Ev." He says softly, his eyes with a soft plead.
Buck puts a solid foot between them and keeps his eyes trained on the lake as he gets to his feet. "I…um…" The hand Kelly once held flies to his chest as he takes a heavily, shake breath, a sob threatening to explode from his lips. "E-Eddie…" He almost chokes on the name, which stops him in his tracks.
Each time Buck had said that man's name, Kelly has clocked the pain in Buck's voice, which sets his blood on fire. This was his best friend, right? "What did he do?" he asks, as he inches his hand toward the other man.
"He…um…" A large tremor runs through Buck's entire body. "It wouldn't have been too bad if B-Captain Nash let me out on calls." He grumbles, "Well, he, after two months, eventually did allow me on a few calls here and there, though I earned a lengthy criticism of everything I did wrong on said calls. Perceived or otherwise. Sometimes, I wished I would've stayed back, where I at least could've been freed from the judgmental eyes in the empty station."
They didn't let Buck go out on calls?! And when they did, they picked him apart? How humiliating and degrading that must've been. "What did you do when you stayed back?" he asks, attempting to keep his tone smooth.
Buck quickly peeps at Kelly before his eyes dash back to the water. "For the first few months back, I was… in charge of cleaning the entire fire house-"
"With help-"
"By myself. It was my only duty."
It hits Kelly like a freight train, and he straightens right up, his back painful stiff. Every night Buck that cleaned the firehouse flies pass his vision. "Evan." Kelly is extremely glad that he put a stop to Buck cleaning the firehouse.
Buck's entire body shudders. "I know."
"That isn't right."
A smiling frown, Buck adds, "But hey, at least at 51, no one spit on anything after I finished."
Kelly's jaw locks and his left fist—hidden from view—balls at his side. In order to keep his tone smooth and calm, opposite of how he's feeling, he takes a few deep breaths. "Did they do that a lot?"
"Every shift. Usually, 2 to 3 times every few hours. Mud on the floors. Kicked dirty water buckets over. Smeared oil on the trucks. You name it, they did it." Buck's hands flexed at his side. "At times, all I did was reclean things I had already cleaned."
It must've felt so dehumanizing, having not accomplished anything. "I doubt going to your Captain was an option."
Buck snorts. "I tried a few times, but he never let me get a word out. It was always a 'I don't care, Buckley. Get back to work, Buckley.'" His face crunches as he imitates a mock anger. "The one time that he did listen, it was, 'What do you expect? You sued the department, Buckley. You got to earn their trust.' Which is true I guess." He adds a mock 'ha.'
Kelly's right eye twitches. Casey would've had a field day with this, and no doubt the fearless Captain would've gone ape shit on that entire station. Shit, Kelly would have as well. That isn't a leader. "That isn't right."
Once again, Buck is looking half his size. "But I did sue the department."
"None of that matters. He was your Captain. He was responsible for you. It was his duty to protect you, regardless of his or anyone's else feelings."
Buck gulps as he turns back to Kelly, shoving his hands into his pockets. He rocks on his feet for a second before he says, "I-I know that now, but at the time, I blamed myself."
Kelly scoots over a bit and leans forward lightly to get a better angle of Buck's baby blues. "Buck, you say that, but do you believe that? Because it isn't your fault." His legs tense up, as it is a battle to say seated.
Stepping back to Kelly, Buck meets Kelly's warm stare. "Y-yes."
"Good, because it isn't, and I will make sure you do."
"Okay." It's a meek 'okay'.
There's definitely more to this story. "What happened after a few months? And with Eddie?" he asks, softly.
Buck turns away, his hands shaking. "Eddie was my b-best friend. We balanced each other out, were each other shadow." A dark shadow passes over his eyes. "W-we were… always there for the other, but the lawsuit… A switch was hit, and our friendship soured… I get it. Because of the lawsuit, we couldn't talk… With everything that he was going through somethings, I could see why he saw it was abandonment, especially with Christopher. I...um…" Hunched over, he takes another step away from Kelly. "I get it. I hurt his son." He awkwardly pulls his hands from pocket and laces them together, cracking his knuckles. "He has every right to be mad at me."
Children always make a situations trick, and Kelly can't fault someone going 'papa bear' when they see their baby hurting, but he can fault them for how they treat others. "Mad yes, but not cruel. Harassment and bulling are not acceptable for any reason." His eyes flickering to Kelly, Buck cracks another knuckle. "Ev."
"I know."
Kelly doesn't enjoy Buck's tone in that last 'I know,' but he picks at it. While he's glad Buck is opening up to him, he hates the idea that their happy date—not a date—is ending like this. "I'm sorry if I'm pushing too much. I can take you home-"
"No, it's fine. I-I need this." Buck answers as he steps back to Kelly, his eyes wet. "It's just hard thinking about my last months with the 118 and my relationship with Eddie. It's such a striking contrast to what it was."
"And talking about it makes it real?"
"Leaving LA made it real." Buck exhales. "But yea." He closes his eyes, soaking in the night air. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up. A few seconds pass by before he goes, "The first month feels like a vacation compared to the lasts. Those passing 'Are you going to sue us, Buckley' started to get accompanied with shoulder checks. Some were painful. Words turned sharp, more dehumanizing, and insults were more frequent." His eyes snap open, his eyes shimmering. "I suppose they got more daring when they learned B—Nash wasn't going to stop them."
Kelly reaches back out to Buck again, grasping him firmly on his left wrist. "What did they say to you?"
Buck shakes his head in a clear 'no.' "D-does it matter? They were cruel and nasty, knowing exactly where to twist the knife. I was pretty much an open book."
"Okay." Maybe, Buck will feel comfort in the future to explain more in detail, Kelly and his friendship still new, as those words appear to be haunting the firefighter. "Evan, be honest. Besides the shoulder checks, then anyone get physical?" If there was, Kelly doesn't know what he will do, but he's going to need Matt to hold him back. No one deserves to be beaten down like Buck has been.
Buck inhales sharply but answers, "No... but there were threats."
"By who? Eddie?" Judging by the lack of a response, Kelly takes that as a yes. "What did he do?"
"When he wasn't ignoring me, he treated me like shit stuck to his shoes." Buck's head falls and he stuffs in his hands back in his pocket as he kicked at a rock. "Being my b-best friend, he knew right where to poke. Knew how…" A wet sob escapes from his lips. "The t-things I told him in private were now out in the open, the entire firehouse mirroring them back to me. I never f-felt smaller. After a few months of this, I just broke."
Buck doesn't explain what those secrets were, but Kelly doesn't push. He doesn't need to to understand how what that must've felt like. There are things Matt knows that no one else does, things that could make Kelly's stomach drop if they got out. "I'm sorry, Evan."
Shaking his head, Buck retakes his seat. Head down, he says, "I know it isn't my fault, and yet, I blame myself. Still do. I knew about his issues with his estranged wife." Catching Kelly's raised questioning eyebrow, he adds, "Eddie was in the army, which put a lot on his stress on their relationship, as that put the sole raising of Christopher on her for years. Yes, his family helped, but nothing can really prepare a parent to take care of a child with cerebral palsy."
"He has CP?"
"Yes, but there's nothing wrong with him. He's prefect the way he is." Buck picks up his head long enough to shot Kelly a protective, fond look.
Kelly doesn't need any help deciphering that look: anyone who talks shit on Christopher is dead to him. (Not that Kelly would.) "No, there's not."
Buck straightens up before he briefly tells Kelly about Shannon's sick mother, which gave her the out that she wanted. She was gone before anyone realized, destroying both Eddie and Christopher in the process. When she returned—a stressful time for everyone—and finally reconciled with them, she was hit by a car and died shortly after. "It fucked him up, rightfully so, and while people can debate the lawsuit, no one can debate what it did to Eddie. He felt abandoned all over again." Even after everything, the ex-floater is still protective of the man who made his life a living hell.
On the other hand, Kelly hates the man on principle. No amount of trauma gives him the right to terrorize another human being. Reaching out for Buck's hand again, he goes, "Evan, that doesn't give him-"
Puffing out his cheeks, Buck interrupts, "I know, but it has to count for something, right? Right?" His eyes shine. "Because I don't think I could-"
By the number of times Buck has masterly dodged the question, Kelly can guess the answer, but he has to ask again, "Did he hurt you physically?" Buck's sudden sharp intake of air gives Kelly pause. "Evan."
"No… Well, he shoved me once, trying to get me out of his way. But that was my fault, he told me to leave him alone, but I didn't. Also a few raised fists and chilling threats, but he never hit me. No one did, not that they needed to. At that point, the threat of violent was enough."
Kelly's eye switches. "While this Eddie guy has serious trauma in his life—and I feel for him. I truly do-, he doesn't have the right to treat you like that. No one in that station should have."
Buck inhales deeply through his nose and exhales through his mouth. "I know."
'Do you?' hangs off Kelly's tongue, but he knows better than to ask that. And obviously, there's a part of Buckley that does believe it, considering he is sitting here with him. "And you never logged a complaint?" he asks. At the same time, Kelly knows it isn't easy to turn in his former friends. He highly doubts he would have if he was in the same boat.
Buck shakes his head. "No. I couldn't do that to my f-family. Besides, I had no faith anyone would take it seriously. I did sue the department."
"Any transfer requests?"
"Nash rejected them all."
"All?"
"Yes."
The picture is coming together. "So, what was the final straw?" Kelly asks.
Buck's eyes drop to Kelly's hand on his wrist. "It suddenly dawned on me that I was fighting a losing battle after an intense conversation with Eddie." He huffs. "Call it a conversation is putting it lightly." He mumbles something under his breath. "Anyhow, I decided, even if it ripped my heart out, that that was it and left the next morning." He glances up to Kelly. "I don't regret it."
"And 51 loves having you. I lo-enjoy having you here." Kelly replies, fumbling over the word. However, the smile that Buck gives him makes his stomach drop. "Evan, thank you for telling me." He states, breathing through the warmth in his chest.
"You're thanking me? W-why?" Buck shutters, his eyes large.
Now that Kelly knows the entire story, everything clicks into place. "For trusting me."
Buck blinks. "Um… You really don't care about the lawsuit…or the…blood thinners?"
As a Lieutenant, Kelly probably should care, as he can't send a firefighter into a burning building if he isn't at 100%, but he doesn't. He gets Buck wholeheartedly. "I don't."
"At all?"
"Not one bit." He answers, honestly. Seeing Buck's stunned face, he adds, "All you want is to be a firefighter. You didn't want the money. You don't want special treatment. You just want to do the job, to save people. They may say that you betrayed them, but in reality, they failed you." Yes, there're things that Buck could've done differently, the lawsuit coming from a place of pain, but today isn't a day for that. Or any day really. Besides, hindsight is 20/20.
Buck stares into Kelly's eyes, his face completely red. "I…Ah…"
Kelly leans forward, a smile on his face. "I mean it. Nothing has changed… well besides the fact that I think you're amazing. Wait, I already thought that." He lets out a smile chuckle, not sure where that exactly came from.
Any fear in Buck vanishes, his facial expression wide opened. "T-Thank you." He takes a deep breath. "I mean it. It means a lot. I-I never though anyone would want to work with me after the lawsuit. Between you, Chief Boden, and Captain Casey, I don't know what to make of it."
There's no doubt in Kelly's mind that Buck meant it, truly meant it. With months of being harassed and bullied, for Buck to hear someone doesn't hate him over it must mean the world to him. "Hey, Ev." Kelly says softly, scouting even closer. He can only imagine the relief that Buck must feel to not have to hide it anymore. There's also some disbelief mixed in, though no one can fault him for that.
"My lawyer told me that I may never work as a firefighter again because of this lawsuit, and with all the…." Buck trails off, as he exhales. "With everything that happened, I never thought anyone would accept me if I knew."
"I accept you, Ev." The words weigh heavy on him. "I-" Before Kelly can process what Buck is doing, the Ex-floater surges forward, closing the distance between them, and presses—almost painfully- his warm, chapped lips against Kelly's, stopping the lieutenant in his tracks. The world flashes before Kelly's eyes, all of his 'experiments' going full cycle, and everything just feels right. While those men did nothing for him, Kelly's heart and lungs are on fire at this kiss, and his chest is about the burst from the heat.
Not one to be out shined in the kissing department, he brings his hands up to cup Buck's face and goes to deepen the kiss; however, the second Kelly's finger tips touch Buck's face, the younger man bucks back like he has been burned, his eyes wild. Kelly, his lips tingling, blinks, the place in front of him suddenly empty. The ex-floater vanishes like a ninja. He wildly searches for Buck, who has put several feet between within seconds. "Evan." He utters, resisting the urge to touch his lips.
"OhgodI'msorryDon'thatemePleasedonthatemeItwasamistakeDon'thatemePlease." The words fell out of his Buck in a jumbo mess. Recognizing the crap storm that fell out of his mouth, he takes a quick breath. "It was a mistake."
'Mistakes' echoes in Kelly's head, hitting him in the gut. While that was his first kiss with a man and only lasted a few seconds, it meant something. It confirmed everything that he has been feeling. He's falling for Evan 'Buck' Buckley. "Hey, Ev." He calls, getting to his feet.
"I'm sorry." Buck spits out, as he rocks back and forth on his feet—barely mindful to the fact that they are on steps.
Kelly swallows, unsure of what to think. However, with everything that happened, he can understand that emotions are high. Buck has spent months feeling alone- hated by everyone-, and to hear that Kelly has accepted him, it's understandable that he is blinded by his emotions. Kelly would never push something on Buck. Never. "It's okay."
Stiffly nodding, Buck abruptly turns away from Kelly. "It's getting l-late. Mind taking me home?" he asks, his voice shake, as he digs his hands into his pocket.
"Yea, sure." Kelly tries to ignore the flicker in his heart.
*O*O*
Kelly refuses to drop Buck at the diner that he picked him up at, and with the kiss—the fucken kiss—hanging over him, Buck doesn't have the urge to argue. Feeling like a fool, the less words Buck says the better. Buck, his leg jackhammering, mumbles out his address as he keeps his focus on buildings. Time crawls, each minute feeling like an eternality. With every turn, Buck almost jumps out of his skin, and by the time they reach his apartment building, he's more worried about getting out of the car than Kelly seeing where he lived. His nerves on fire, Buck barely waits a second after the car stops before throws the door open and jumps out. "I—I go-"
"Buck, wait." Kelly, his expression guarded, shoots out, leaning over the center console. "Wait."
Buck, exhaling, glances over his shoulder at Kelly. His entire being is screaming at him to run away, as he's seconds away from a break down. Baring his soul, revealing the truth about the lawsuit, has undoubtedly and unsurprisingly drained him, and as a result, his self-control was—still is- significantly compromised, which is the only reason why he snapped and kissed Mother fucking Kelly Severide like a lustful teenager. And the reason why he wants to do it again. The reason why he wants to bring Kelly up to his apartment, only to be pinned to his bed by said man. What the hell is wrong with me? He barks at himself. "Y-Yea?" he asks.
"I enjoyed tonight, and I meant everything that I said." Kelly grins. "My opinion of you hasn't changed. Okay, it changed somewhat, but now, my opinion of you is higher. Takes a special kind of person to walk away from millions of dollars."
Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fucking Hell. Shit fuck. Just fuck it all to hell. Buck freezes for a second, his chest feeling airy and tight. What is wrong with me? "I-I don't know about that." What he does know is that the desire to press his lips against Kelly's is wrong, and even if he knows that's a foolish dream, he wants to give in to that desire. Why does Kelly Severide have to be so goddamn perfect? Fucken hell.
"It is." Kelly retorts, expression serious. There is no room for debate in his eyes.
Buck's tongue is heavy in his mouth, his jaw stiff. "Okay." He mumbles—cheeks red-, unable to get anything else out. Unable to continue this conversation without turning into a hot mess, he turns and books it to his apartment, pushing Kelly and his perfect smile out of his mind.
*O*O*
Buck whips off his jacket- tossing it at the couch though it falls short- as soon as he closes the door behind him, and almost immediately, paces his entire apartment. There're a hundred things flying through his mind, and he doesn't know what to make of them. For one, there're no words to describe the sensation in his chest at knowing that Kelly's opinion of him has not changed. The idea that Kelly doesn't care—or rather, the idea that Kelly doesn't hate him does stuff to him. While Buck has to admit that Kelly is a third party who doesn't see the lawsuit as the 118 does, he feels validated. Someone finally sees his pain and embraces him whole heartedly. God, he feels whole. He can finally get his head above water and breathe for the first time in months. He can see himself being happy. He can see himself having a family again, which is everything.
Yet, he had to go and kiss the Lieutenant.
Like fuck.
During the entire date- Shit, not a date!-, Buck had to hold himself back, because he wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them. And yet, the second Kelly tells him that he accepts him, Buck—being the dumb ass that he is—kisses him, his resolve breaking. And Kelly, being the amazing man that he is, handled the kiss like a pro and treated him like a human being and not some disgusting thing who dared to kiss him. There was even a smile on his face when the Lieutenant took off.
Shit
Fuck
Without a doubt, Kelly will continue to treat him like a human and not mock him for the kiss when he sees him during their next shift, and yet, Buck doesn't know how he's going to face Kelly. How is he going to face Kelly now that his inappropriate and not reciprocated feelings are in the open? How can their new friendship handle that? Here Severide is being a good friend, and Buck is warping those actions into something else. Regardless of gender, Buck knows how uncomfortable it is to have someone thirsting after you when you don't feel the same. While Buck would never cross anyone's or Kelly's boundaries (again), he has already kissed the man. A man who is only interested in women.
Why does he have to be such an idiot? God, he wishes had someone to talk to.
Buck stops his pacing, his legs tingling, and rests his forehead against the nearest wall. He doesn't know what to do, but he knows he won't be able to stand it if this creates a tense awkwardness between Kelly and him. He huffs, wishing he had someone to talk to. Anyone at 51 is off limit since Kelly Severide is his problem. Normally, when he does something stupid, he would talk to Maddie, and they would have one of their famous Buckley sibling's nights. He has lost count how many times they have gotten drunk together. Forgotten how many times they cried over their dates or crushes. He remembers how supportive she was when he told her he likes guys too.
While he wishes for someone to talk to, there's really one person he wants to talk to and that's Maddie. However, he isn't in a stable emotional state to hear her voice without falling apart. After months of not seeing her, he would surely crack if he heard her cry, and he would promise her anything without hesitation, which includes coming back. After finally finding his footing, going back would break him, but he needs his sister.
But there is more than one way to talk to her. His mind reasons. Buck reaches for his phone, opens up the internet browser, and logging into his old email. His throat dry, he ignores all of the 'where are you' emails and opens up a new, blank one. His fingers flying, he types out an email and quickly hits sent before he can change his mind.
Mads! Help. I fucked up. I kissed a straight man…. I really like him.
He really does like Kelly Severide.
Author note:
1) Oh my, Chimney guessed right, but you think anyone will listen to him?
2) I didn't mind for this chapter to be so long, but man, Buck and Kelly's conversation kept growing and growing. I didn't want to shorten it, as every part felt important. I will note that it feels a big jumbo mess as Buck is bouncing around, but I think it fits as real conversations don't have a outline. People bounce around as they don't have it typed out in their heads. Let me know what you think.
3) You can't hear me but I am squealing over Buck and Maddie's email future email conversation over Kelly. LOL They be spilling all of the good stuff. "Maddie...I just want to lick him up."
4) Lastly, the kiss. I finally give you a kiss, but did you think it would be easy? Me making it easy? This is chapter 16. Nothing will be easy. LOL. However, if only Buck waited 5 more seconds, Kelly would have kissed the f out of him.
Also sorry to the one reviewer who hate cursing. I hope this chapter wasn't too off putting for you.
Let me know what you think guys.
