Chapter 18: Dogfight

Perspective: Fristad


I am standing in the shade of the tree. I don't dare look Warnado or Amanda in the eye. I just made a huge mistake.

After the landslide, I'd suddenly realised how terrified I was of actually fighting this officer, so I'd decided to settle affairs.

"Listen, Amanda, in case anything goes wrong here, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," I said, and I reckon I said it pretty sincerely.

She glared at me and I immediately questioned what on earth had possessed me to do this. It wasn't the Book; this was just me having the worst sense of timing in the world. Naturally, Warnado yelled at me a whole bunch.

The first salvo or two mostly consisted of high-pitched curse words strung together like cursive, but finally it faded into something more concrete:

"...What is wrong with you?!" He spat these words out with such force that his hood jumped up and I could briefly see the base of his nose. "You think now is the right time to bring up the stuff you put her through? I've known Amanda a long time and she does not scare easily and you - you-"

"Warnado," Amanda interrupted. "I can handle myself."

She pushed her way past him and dragged me down to eye-level by the lapels. She was only thirteen so I could easily have brushed her off, but that felt inappropriate. I gazed into the hazel depths of her eyes.

"You hurt me in ways few others have managed. You tormented my sanity. The fact that Kay is getting on way too well with the Book only compounds how unnecessary it was. As it stands, you are not forgiven in any sense of the word," she said.

A pause.

"Win this fight," she decreed. "And we'll see."

So, I've been standing here for the last ten minutes while Warnado angrily crunches his way through a taco with his arm around Amanda's shoulder. They're standing near the promontory, watching for the signal.

Then, suddenly a familiar pillar of silver flame materialises near the switch and out plops an officer. He's a big, tall man with the black and white head of a springer spaniel. He's not wearing any armour, just a loose black jacket and trousers over a billowing white shirt, in addition to a monocle. Looped through his belt is a sabre. He lands on his back and as he rises, I can see dirt tumble off him. He stretches. We fan out and leave him backing onto the cliff.

"'Sup Dog?" Warnado quips dryly, throwing his taco aside and moving forward.

"Bloody hells," the Dog groans. "That's honestly the best you can offer?"

He bears his teeth and I see them glint with silver. I raise my axe to try and cool him off a little but suddenly my shoulder-guard shifts a little and I shuffle awkwardly to correct it. I don't get the impression he's particularly intimidated.

"Yes. Anyway, you remember me from the tower. I am Lord Helix and it's time you surrendered," says Warnado. "Before we dunk on you so hard, they rename basketball after us. Naturally, we'll need a cool team-name first, but we'll appreciate the gesture."

I have no idea what basketball is, and the Dog just looks angrier. I briefly start thinking about a cool team-name and then suddenly remember my contributions probably won't be welcome.

I take one hand off my axe and show my palm to the Dog. Before I quite understand what I'm doing I've taken a step or two forward.

"Listen," I say. "You should just surrender. We only want to know what the Entity is up to. I promise you'll be fairly treated. You really seem to have impressed Kay. It would save us all a lot of… What are you doing?"

The Dog has pulled off its jacket and is now shaking it. It looks at the back, growls and throws it to the dirt.

"Taking this rubbish off. It's hot. We'll resume this conversation in a minute."

"Oh."

I look back around to Amanda and Warnado. She has a blunt bolt trained on the Dog's head. Warnado has a luminous club summoned. They both look as confused as I do, and I enjoy this brief moment of camaraderie.

My head wheels back and the Dog has removed his shirt and is now stretching their back out. He is in impeccable shape, with washboard abs and huge biceps.

"Right," the Dog begins. "I have thought long and hard on your offer."

His fist strikes me in the face so hard my helmet flies off.

He turns away from me and looks at Warnado and Amanda, hands on his hips and a smirk on his face:

"I have elected to decline. Do what you will."

Amanda shoots at him and he dodges aside. The sabre flies from its sheath and is swinging for Warnado's torso. The demon-child floats upward and avoids the blow. I'm back on my feet and running to join the fight.

The Dog rounds on Amanda, who has finished reloading. She ducks a slash and pulls the trigger. I hear a thud, a crack of bone and a howl. She's struck him right in the ribs!

Finally close enough, I swing with the blunt end of my axe, hoping to catch him in the head and end this, but he parries. I stagger, a glare of sun travels the length of the sabre and suddenly my axe is a stick six inches in length. The point of the sword is used as a pole against my breastplate to drive me back a few steps early.

I can see the Dog grinning as he returns to Amanda and interrupts her reloading with another attack. He catches her hard on the breastplate and she stumbles to her knees with a cry of pain.

Warnado, still floating, yells out "Hey!" He raises his hands above his head and a glowing mace materialises, spiked and ready to crush the Dog's skull.

"We're supposed to take him alive, you donko!" Amanda grunts.

Warnado falters, and as he constructs a new, less lethal weapon, the Dog moves to strike Amanda again. She narrowly dodges and lands on her front. The crossbow flies out of her reach. The Dog raises his sabre again.

For the first time in a long while, my course of action is obvious and my own. I rush forward, screaming. My heart is pounding with the exhilaration of freedom from all things: The Book, cowardice, self-preservation. I flip the stick in my hand and strike the Dog on its wounded flank.

He howls. For a brief moment I hope he will collapse from pain. His eyes flicker, but then fly back open with renewed vigor. He shunts me back and swipes. I dodge, but without a weapon there's not much I can do. I raise my fists like a boxer and pray I get in a good punch or two before I die.

That's when a wooden bat the size of a claymore cracks into his face and he pirouettes uncontrollably.

"HOME RUN!" cheers Warnado. Then, as the Dog regains its stance, he adds, "Or, you know, second base, or whatever."

I don't get the joke, but I laugh in disbelief anyway as Warnado lands and flourishes his gargantuan bat like it weighed nothing.

Not willing to be rendered totally useless, I raise my fists and begin to wheel around to him.

The Dog can't choose between us. It reaches down for my axe head and my heart sinks. The fight isn't over. Now wielding one complete weapon and the remnants of another, he opens his mouth to the point where it seems almost unhinged and unveils a sea of razor-sharp fangs.

Warnado and I share a look and dig in our heels. We're taking this guy down, whether we die or not.

Crack! The Dog judders. His eyelids collapse under their own weight. He drops forward. I see a wooden bolt on the ground beside him, and before I can look up to confirm what happens the crossbow clatters into my field of view. Amanda lands on top of the Dog and immediately clamps handcuffs onto his wrists.

"We've won!" Warnado screams. He hugs me and I cackle with joy, giving him a little squeeze in return. He and Amanda run at each other. They hug and she lifts him and spins him around. I can't stop beaming.

She plants him down. They look deeply into each other's eyes. She closes her eyes and juts her head forward, he reciprocates. Their lips press together. They draw away, both wide-eyed and seemingly lost as to where they are.

"Wow, that was… weird," says Warnado, eyes seeming a different shade of red than usual but that is maybe me inferring from his tone.

"Oh," she responds, eyes drooping like dying grass. "Sorry."

"No! No! Like, good weird," Warnado insists in a panic. "I - I would love - like! - I would like to do it again, sometime. If… you would like to."

"Yeah," nods Amanda, "Absolutely. That would be pretty cool."

"Cool."

And then they stand in silence for around ten seconds, smiling at each other with uncertain enthusiasm, as though they don't know how much is appropriate or what the next step in the process is. Warnado, after looking all around him, summons a rose into his hand and thrusts it at Amanda.

I finally give in and burst out laughing.

"Congrats lovebirds!" I roar, hugging them both in close.

They don't even seem that mad.