Reedited: 8/1/22
A/N: If you were looking for the Krieg fight, sorry, that's the next chapter. If you want some funny shenanigans, I insist you read on!
Chapter 12: A Liar, That Bitch, and Silk's Wardrobe
As the next day rolled around, Zeff looked over his new hires as if they were in the Navy. "Alright, my new wait staff! As I don't need to tell you, business at the Baratie is good! As such, you all better be on your best behavior! If a single one of you shirks your work…" He menacingly swiped his peg leg through the air. "You get it, eggplants!?"
"YES, SIR!" Ussop and Nami were terrified into compliance.
"What was that last part again?" Silk looked like she hadn't been paying attention at all.
As for Hook, he sported a wide grin. "When do we get off shift again?"
As the old chef conked the airhead into the knucklehead's skull with a single kick, he yelled, "JUST GET TO YOUR STATIONS!"
Ussop vs. the Wall
"You want me to what!?" sounded throughout the Baratie.
"I told you, you're fixing my damn wall!" Zeff crossed his arms as Ussop looked at all the lumber and tools in the room. "Since you kids busted it, it's only fair you fix your mess."
Ussop looked at the man as if he were nuts. "Look, I can be handy, but I'm no carpenter!"
Zeff picked up a saw from the pile. "Either you fix that wall, or you lose a leg, as fair compensation."
Ussop never moved so quickly, as he practically threw himself at the pile of wood.
Nami Vs. Buss Duty
As Sanji came downstairs to check on the soup he had simmering last night, he is met by, in his words, a gorgeous display. A red-headed maid was in the dining room, an absolute vision of beauty! (Again, all his words.)
He raced over and was already kneeling when she noticed him, rose in hand. "Ah~ What a lovely specimen! A maid has entered my dull life to clean my heart~! Make me happy by letting me sweep you off your feet~!"
Nami blinked at this before a devious smile stretched across her face. "Oh, it's so nice to meet a gentleman," she purred. "I wish I could reciprocate, but I have to clean and set all these tables…"
"Say no more! Hands so lovely shouldn't have to do such menial tasks!" With that, he took to the room and accomplished what Nami thought would take hours in minutes. When he finished, he mopped his brow. "Phew, that was a warm-up! Now I better take care of that soup." He turned Nami, hearts back in his eyes. "My sweet little cherry, I wish not to part, but I have my duties as sous-chef to perform-!"
"JUST LEAVE!" Zeff called out.
"EAT A D**K, OLD FART!" Sanji turned back to Love Mode as if nothing happened. "Ah, What bliss~! First a lilac-haired beauty, now a summer-haired princess~! I am truly blessed~!" With that, he twirled – literally twirled – into the kitchen.
He moved quick enough to not even notice Nami's mask slippage at his words. "Lilac…as in purple?"
Silk vs. Unloading
Carne, the other chefs, and the deliverymen all stood there stunned, as they watched Silk unload as fast as she could. It was a mental debate about what was more distracting: that fact she never slowed down, despite the weight…or that it had gotten so hot, she had stripped the maid outfit off, so she was now only wearing a sarashi and corduroy shorts.
"Hey, guys! Hurry up! I might finish first if you don't get started!" she exclaimed, laughing joyously.
'We're almost done too…' every man thought, as they tried to hide their nosebleeds.
Hook vs. Orders
Patty nearly threw the abnormal teen out of the kitchen with orders from three different tables. As luck would have it, at the first table was Zoro and the girl from yesterday! While they were sitting together, they took no notice of Hook, too caught up in a serious disagreement. "Why can't I drink something!? I'm thirsty!" Zoro griped.
"You can't drink alcohol in the morning! Why would you need to!?" the girl growled right back, as Abu munched on a cracker.
"Maybe because I have a raging headache by the name-!"
"Carina." The voice that said that came from the depths of Hell itself.
'No, wait,' Hook did a double check. 'That's just Nami…looking like the Devil herself. Uh-oh.'
"Who's hungry? Breakfast orders, all around! Which one of you ordered the cobb salad?" Hook spoke up, blatantly ignoring the hostile attention between Nami and Carina as he began passing out their food. "Here, Zoro, make sure you read – eat! – eat your food carefully." The man raised an eyebrow but said nothing else. Finally, the pirate turned his attention to Nami as she tried to melt Carina with her mind by the looks of it. "So, Nami, who's your friend?"
"We are not friends." Her look did not diminish one bit. "She's just a two-bit double-crossing silver-tongued bitch."
Hook paused at that. "So…sensing a little history here…"
Carina answered quickly. "Nami, let me explain-!"
Nami advanced, her hand reaching for her concealed staff. "He could have killed me-!"
"ARGH!"
The whole table looked over to the noise and the noises that followed. Turned out it was Silk, who was supposed to be mopping the floor…but had left a trail of water large enough that chef and customer alike were slipping around the dining area. "What the hell, blondie!?" Patty began chewing her out. "That's way too much water! Wring that out!"
"Ah, oops!" Silk, whose focus was on the bar area for some reason, took stock of the immediate area and her gaffe. "My bad! I never really cleaned floors at my last job-"
"I didn't ask for your backstory!" Patty cut off as he walked over. "I said wipe this UUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAGH SHIT!" As Patty slipped on an unseen patch of water, he crashed right onto his back. "...ow."
"A-ah, Silk! Let us help you wring that out, huh!? Come on, Nami!" Grabbing Silk and Nami, Hook dragged the pair back to the kitchen, saving Silk from raising the debt any further and stopping Nami from committing premeditated murder. Once in the back, Silk goes off to dry out the mop, leaving a curious Hook and a still fuming Nami to their own devices. "Nami…"
"I don't want to talk about it," she said flatly. Then, after a beat, added. "I will tell you this…get Zoro away from that bitch, even if you have to recruit him. Whatever Carina's got on him…break it."
Hook's eyebrows shot up at that. 'Well, that's a flip. If she's really serious about this…' "Well," Hook said, "I did leave a message for Zoro to meet me for our spar, so I could…figure something out from there?"
Nami only nodded. "Good." She left the kitchen area, thankfully not back to the dining area, heading outside as Ussop entered.
Shelving that future discussion aside, Hook turned to the approaching sniper. "How's the repair coming along?"
Ussop's response was to show his mummified hands. "I've hammered my thumbs more than I've hammered those nails," he snarked.
Hook winced in empathy. "Ouch. Maybe I could ask if I could help you." One flex of his palm caused a flash of black and gold for a second. "I'd be plenty of help!"
At that Zeff comes in. "Plenty of help for what?" Hook explained Ussop's decreasing abilities to hold tools, and, after looking at the miserable guy, Zeff agreed that might be best.
Lunch Rush
As breakfast was closing up, Silk rushed around and collected all the glasses and dishes. Patty barked, "Hey! Slow down! You could break-!"
Silk looked over at him. "Huh? What did you-!" was all she got out before she tripped, the bin of dishes flying through the air! Patty nearly had a heart attack…until Sanji, just coming out of the kitchen, two bowls of soup in hand, somehow caught the falling fragiles on his foot!
"Oi! Patty! You're so lousy, you can't even catch some flying dishes?" he teased.
Patty roared. "BLAME THE CHORE GIRL! SHE'S GOT TO BE THE CLUMSIEST-!"
Sanji retorted, "SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE BAD MOUTH A LADY-!"
Silk came by and grabbed the bin. "Whew! Thanks for that! I was always clumsy with dishes back home!"
Sanji swerved into Love Mode. "Anytime, my ray of sunshine~!"
Patty just grumbled. "These kids might cost us less if we cut 'em loose…"
Zoro, sitting at the bar with Carina, snorted at the scene. "What an idiot…"
Nami in the Kitchen
As Silk entered, she saw Nami peeling fruits and vegetables like she'd been doing it all her life. "Whoa, Red! You really do know your way around the kitchen!"
Nami rolled her eyes, hardly slowing down. "Of course, I do! I used to spend my time at sea alone. If I didn't eat eventually, I'd die."
Silk grinned, as she put the dirty dishes in the clean section, not noticing a chef picked them up to serve some food. "Yeah, but you seem really comfortable there…like a real motherly type." As Silk turned to notice her bin was gone, she missed Nami almost cutting herself in shock. She was about to ask what that meant, but Silk had to book it when Carne asked who didn't clean the dishes.
Hook, Ussop, and the Hole
Meanwhile, with Ussop and Hook...
"Alright, grab the mallet."
"This one with a flathead?"
"…That is a screwdriver."
"You mean you don't like to use this thick part?"
"…No, you don't use the handle."
A few minutes later…
"No no no! You need wood screws!"
"If we need wood screws, why do have the other ones!?"
"For the metal fasteners to secure the wall!"
"Metal? I thought this wall was made of wood!"
"Urggg…"
Within ten minutes, it became abundantly clear Hook had no understanding of basic repair. It was an act of God for the two suffering boys that Sanji came up to ask for help downstairs.
As Hook stepped out of the kitchen with some orders, he glanced over to see Nami headed for the bar…where Carina was sitting, abort, abort!
"Hey, Nami!" Practically teleporting over to her, Hook stood in her path and blocked her view. "How've you been? What-whacha up to?"
Nami tried to move past Hook, even as he kept moving and leaning into her field of vision. "Zeff told me to man the bar. I'm not great with cocktails, but – will you move already!" She finally darted around Hook…to see no one milling around the bar, not even Zoro. "Geez! What is the matter with you? Are you done?"
Hook blinked at the empty barstools before addressing Nami. "U-uh, yeah. Go nuts." As she got behind the counter, Hook looked around the restaurant in a brief search. "The hell? They were right here..."
Not even a second earlier…
Zeff bit the inside of this cheek. "You almost broke 100,000 beris worth of dishware, drenched the floor with soapy water – what did you do before you became a pirate!? One woman demolition!?"
Silk smiled sweetly. "Actually, I worked in a bar!"
"BULLSHIT!" cried the entire kitchen, save Sanji.
'If she was working in a bar back home,' Zeff thought to himself, 'either they were very nice, very sleazy, or she did one thing very well.' "In any case," the head chef said aloud, "I want you to go out and fish for tonight's dinner special. And try to avoid any more damage!"
Silk nodded, then her face got brighter! "Hey! I can't fish in this getup! I get to take it off!"
Every chef, even Sanji in the back, literally dropped what they were doing to all look at Silk.
Zeff raised a hand. "Can't you do that outside of the kitchen?"
Silk paused in the lifting of her skirt and nodded. "Okay! I'll just grab Dorado!"
As the other chefs sighed in disappointment, Sanji mustered the energy to ask, "You mean the ax? Why?"
Silk beamed as she said, "So I can club whatever I catch!" She turned and left before she could see every man, except Zeff, pick their jaws from the floor.
As Silk skipped out of the kitchen, Dorado slung over one shoulder, she failed to notice Hook and Nami talking…or that Dorado's gleam had caught Carina's eye. Or that, by proxy of their 'deal,' Zoro followed after Carina.
After Hook's last delivery, he came immediately into the kitchen, where Sanji was checking on a marinade. "Sanji! Can I order four plates of whatever takes the least amount of time to make five minutes ago!?"
"Huh?" Sanji looked over. "Why the rush?"
Hook scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Ah, well, ya see our 'guests' on the Merry haven't eaten in a second and I should probably check on them..."
Sanji tilted his head in confusion. "Your guests?"
After making the meals, Sanji found himself curious enough to follow Hook to the ship and into the hold. In the Merry's storeroom, tried up with no room to move about, were four filthy men: Jango, shades still broken, Butchie, Siam, who had bandages wrapped around half his head, and the last one, his red eyes glaring out from the shadows of the room. Johnny and Yosaku were sitting outside of the room as if guarding them. Not deterred by the bloodlust coming off of that one, Sanji scanned over the collection of beaten men. "I...think I've seen this guy before..."
Putting the food down, Hook answered, "He does have a bounty, so I'd be surprised if you didn't."
"Hey, Big Bro Hook," Johnny greeted before he looked at Sanji. "Technically, the bounty was revoked with the belief he'd been executed. But there's no mistaking the profile..."
Breathing out his own cloud of smoke, Yosaku added, "Kuro of a Thousand Plans. 16,000,000 beris. Stories of his death were slightly exaggerated, apparently."
Sanji's eye widened at that. "So, this guy faked his own death? That's crazy!"
Johnny nodded sagely. "You should hear the whole story!"
Yosaku threw in, "If they are telling the truth, it's pretty damn incredible! He's not so tough, I guess..."
When the clattering of chains reached their ears, the two bounty hunters sprinted behind Hook with swords out! A fair response, when "not so tough" Kuro of a Thousand Plans was up and standing. His face a mask of anger and exhaustion, he looked down at his handcuffs then at Hook. "Hour of exercise," Hook answered the unasked question. "Wouldn't want you to get too stiff." Holding up his arm and shifting it slightly, he added, "Try anything, though, and you will be."
While Jango and the other two were very verbal about the terms, Kuro just sighed and began walking towards the door. His crew (former crew?) looked shocked but followed along after a bit. As they got out on the deck, Hook and company following after, the captured pirates just milled about different sides of the ship, choosing to eat separately from each other. As they ate, Hook explained the events of Syrup Village, Sanji's face looking more and more incredulous as he went on. Of course, that might be that much of Hook's story was incomplete what with him passing out twice in the same damn fight.
"So," Sanji started after Hook had finished, "To sum up, you just went to a small out-of-the-way village, found Kuro there, and just beat him up?"
Cleaning out his ear causally with a pinky, Hook glanced over at said villain as he chewed on some chicken. "Not exactly. We all just happened to hear him as he planned to attack with his old crew."
Yosaku laughed at that. "The way Ussop tells it, he always suspected though! That's why they didn't get along, right?"
Hook sucked in his lips, debating if he should burst Ussop's bubble or not. "Yeah, Ussop likes to…exaggerate a bit. Truth is, Kuro, known as Klahadore, was always a prick. No ambition, no drive, no dreams!"
All three fix him with a look, like a child who confidently stated the sky was green. "Dreams?" Johnny tilted his head in thought. "You mean like, something that popped into your head when you sleep?"
"Wha-no! Dreams! Like goals, ambitions!"
"Goals?..." Johnny thought.
"Ambition?..." Yosaku looked puzzled.
Sanji just stayed silent, lighting up a cig.
Hook bolstered onwards, "Every great pirate that ever sailed has one! I'm gonna be Pirate King! Silk and Ussop have grand goals too! Even Zoro wants to be the world's greatest swordsman!"
That sent a spark of remembrance behind both brothers' eyes (possibly. Damn sunglasses…). "Right! Big bro's dream!"
Just at that moment, a voice over the side of the ship said, "Big Bro!? Johnny!? Yosaku!?"
Both men blinked in surprise before they ran over to the railing. In seconds, both of them had wide grins on their faces and tears running down their cheeks. "Big Bro Zoro!"
Glancing over the side, there stood the three sword-style user as he looked up at them with a big grin. "There you two are! I wondered what happened!"
"Big bro Z-huh?"
"We're so happy to see-wha?" Both stopped crying when they heard that. After a pause, they both yelled:
"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GOT LOST!"
"Wha!? I GOT LOST!? I WAS WALKING A STRAIGHT LINE, AND YOU GUYS VANISHED ON ME!" Zoro retorted.
Johnny jabbed a finger at him. "There ain't no way that's true! I just remembered!"
"Me too!" Yosaku screamed, red in the face. "Unless someone was holding you, you couldn't go anywhere and expect to know where you're going!"
"Hmm, not the reaction I was expecting," Hook mused.
To his right, Sanji shook his head in disbelief. "Can someone really get lost walking a straight line?"
"H-hey!" Zoro grumbled at his irate allies. "You both sound like the witch I'm under…"
Hook perked up at the mention of the gun-monkey-toting girl. "By under her, why exactly are you following her? For a completely innocent, so-not-probing question?"
The greenet's response was a slight grimace. "It's a long story of how, but right now, we have a deal, and I never break my word."
"A deal?" Johnny scratched his head in thought before lurched forward. "It couldn't be that, could it!?"
Sanji, looking mildly interested, perked up. "That? What is that?"
Zoro grinned enthusiastically. "Carina told me that Hawk-Eyes comes here to eat once in a while! When he gets here, I'm going to challenge him to a duel!" Zoro frowned then. "But, since I had no clue how to get here, she gave me a ride…but I also promised that if he doesn't show up in a week, I'll be her bodyguard until further notice! Today's the last day, and haven't seen Hawk-Eyes, and she won't let me near any alcohol…" He growled looking out towards the ocean. "Where the hell is he?"
As Zoro's former partners whispered to themselves about the situation, Sanji's face took on a comically perplexed expression. It looked like the chef was either going to be sick or die laughing. Too preoccupied with his own thoughts, Hook had decided to deal with Zoro's situation head-on. "Tell you what – I'll go talk to her if you watch my prisoners here. Cool?"
Zoro blinked at that before the words caught up to his brain, and his face lightened up. "Really!? That'd be great! I can't even talk to her, not without her somehow twisting the conversation!" He hitched his thumb behind him. "She's over there, talking to that clumsy blonde. Hell if I know about what."
"Look, I can't say this any more forcefully! I don't care if you work at some historical society – Dorado will only leave my hands when I go home!" Silk, now dressed the same as she did when unloading crates before, retorted. She and Carina were standing on one of the piers, a rope tied to Silk's ax. Silk's attention was far from fishing, though, as the minute she had gotten situated, the violette had begun to bug her.
As for Carina, for all her worth, was clearly not listening to the blonde's dismissals. "But that's the beauty of our group! We will return it to your village for you! If you just let me, I can take it to my ship for further research…"
Silk looked about ready to tear out her hair. "Damn, are you dense! Just screw off! You're not touching-"
"Carina!"
Eyes widening in fright, Carina spun around to the call, and only relaxed when she saw it was Hook. "Oh, Hook. It's just you-"
"Don't be too relieved to see me just yet. Not while you're harassing my friend." Hook fixed her a look that seemed to completely destroy her feeling of safety. "First of all, Silk came from that village you keep mentioning, so stop talking about it like she doesn't know it! Two, Dorado is her weapon, not a museum piece! And three, considering how Nami, who I know is a pirate thief, interacted with you like a big job you were supposed to do together only failed 'cause you got greedy or careless, I'm pretty inclined to believe your ass isn't in any historical society!"
As the pirate listed each point, the girl looked more and more surprised; Silk did a little too, but she was much calmer now. Carina, though, was floundering for any excuse she could think of. "I…well-"
"Also," Hook charged onward, clearly fed up with her bothering her crew, "You need to release Zoro from his contract."
Her eyes went from doe-like and bashful, to full-on 'don't fuck me with me' vibes. "I told you why I need Zoro-"
"And I told you, I can handle it! Whatever you need a bodyguard from, me, this crew - anyone from this crew," Hook shut down her reply, not having it, "can and will help! If you want proof, I have a long thought dead pirate walking around our ship's deck. If that's not enough…" Hook Summoned the Carnival Cannon, then his Iron Mace. Just for dessert, he even whipped out the Cat Catch Wire, cracking it over his head, before shutting down the transformation.
After Hook's show, Carina's mouth would not close; she was either surprised or scared. Abu, shivering in her sachel, was definitely scared, unless all the chattering teeth noises were just him munching on peanuts. "That's…you're a…"
"Now," Hook drove on, "about Zoro…"
"Green hair, and three swords!" Silk suddenly exclaimed.
"Yeah, Silk, I described him yesterday."
Silk shook her head, the rope on Dorado slowly growing taunt. "No, I mean green hair and three swords coming this way!" She pointed over Hook's shoulder, to an utterly livid Zoro marching up to the group-
"You absolute bitch!" Scratch that, storming up to Carina.
'Wow, that word was getting a lot of use today…' Hook thought to himself, before he said, "Whoa, hey! Calm down, Moss Head! There's no need to-"
"Red-Eyes!? Red-Eyes!" Zoro screamed. "The rumors of this place's most troublesome visitor isn't the world's strongest swordsman...it's just some drunk!? If Curly-Brow was right…" He growled as he strangled the white-sheath blade.
'Huh? Why would he...?' Hook's mind returned to their earlier conversation, more specifically Sanji's face...like he knew something about Zoro's quest... 'Ah. Of course, he would know what kind of guests come to Baratie...' Trying to direct this long-awaited trainwreck from colliding, Hook decided to quickly change the subject. "Hey, so, I asked you to watch those prisoners…what happened with that?"
Zoro held up a bruised knuckle. "I couldn't just leave 'em, so I knocked them out."
'Damn! All four!?' Three different minds thought reflexively as Zoro continued.
"And as for you!" He glared at a visibly frightened Carina. "You better start explaining, or else-"
In Silk's hands, Dorado moved violently as the rope was pulled. The whole sea restaurant tilted as the second yank was way more powerful, though, of the group, only Carina stumbled. While Hook and Zoro just maintained a steady stance, Silk placed one for on a railing as she yanked back! "Alright! Hey, I got a hit!" Silk yelled moments before the sea lurched, and spat up a Merry-sized eel!
Carina and Abu screamed. Zoro grinned. Silk oohed. Hook clicked his tongue. "That is entirely too big." Hook prepared to bring out the cannon again, but Silk ripped off the rope and jumped at the beast. Hook paused at that, then smiled as he took stock of his role in this takedown. "Tsk. Making me the support for a change, huh?"
As the eel roared and fell toward the girl, she yelled back, "Hey there! You must be the Dinner Special! Mighty Push!" It was just enough to keep it in the air…
Which was what Zoro was prepared for, as he jumped up and sliced its throat open! "Damn! That was supposed to cut his head off!" He looked down and noticed he, Silk, and the eel corpse were falling to the ocean. "That's gonna be a hard landing…"
Silk, who was too busy laughing in her exhilaration up until now to notice, looked over at Zoro. "Don't worry about it, Grass Stains! He'd never let us fall!"
Before he could ask about who 'he' was, two thick cables wrapped around them both, as well as the eel. Back on the dock, Hook pulled them all in with Cat Catch Wire; the eel landed on one of the docked boats, while Silk and Zoro fell closer to Hook's position. Silk stuck the landing, hitting the dock feet first, while Zoro fell flat on his face. Hook and Silk both shot each other a thumbs up, as Zoro got up, ignoring his smarting face, and yelled, "What the hell was that!?"
"Oh, I ate the Clank-Clank Fruit. Sorry, meant to mention that earlier." Hook said causally, fingers linked to rest on the back of his head. "Now about that spar-"
"What in the blazes!" Zeff – hell, everyone came out to see the big-ass fish dropped on some guy's boat. Without even pausing, Zeff turned to yell at Hook and Silk. "WAIT STAFF!"
"There you are! One Seafood Special! That's the kinda thing Silk can nab on a good day!" Hook cheesed at the mustached man, completely disregarding his clear and present anger.
Silk's face became neutral, before she turned around, hiding her face from the crowd. "Y-you don't have to go that far…"
Considering Zeff practically leaped at the dopey pair, beating them over the heads with his peg leg, that might have been the wrong thing to say. As it turned out, Zeff had very good reasons to be so irate…Nami had been gambling with the guests and had made a killing! When several people accused her of cheating, she verbally defended herself. When some of the men had demanded…let's say compensation, she beat their asses black and blue with her metal staff. Patty was furious she was beating paying customers until she told them what they had wanted.
After the entire staff finished peeling what was left of the deviants off the wall, the damage in the dining room was in the thousands – way more than what Nami schemed-er, legitimately earned off of them! The boat that came to pick these boys up to be hauled off to a holding cell on an island had only just weighed anchor…when a bloody headless ("Only nearly!" Hook defended, earning another wooden wallop.) fish had near capsized it! Once Zeff calmed down, he decided he could use a break…from the Hook Pirates. Handing them the rest of the night off, he gave them a solid promise that all of today's damages would be added to their debt.
After all of that, as they headed back to the ship, Zeff, and Sanji barred the doors of the Baratie so they weren't even tempted to enter. As they went back to the Merry, Silk lamented, "Aw, man! I could have been there! I would have loved to see what you made!"
Nami blinked at that. "Silk, I didn't know you liked alcohol."
Silk waved it off. "Oh no! I don't. But back home, I worked at the bar as a cocktail mixer, and-"
Silk never finished her story, as the whole group got interrupted by Zeff banging his head on the doorframe (something about 'the one place I didn't want that klutz to be!') and Sanji laughing hard enough to lean on the other side of the door at his mentor's reaction.
Only after all this was over did anyone even think of Carina, as she had quickly vanished after today's events.
A/N: Padding padding padding~ Wow, I really like how this chapter came out! hardly had to do anything except change POV verbiage. Sometimes, you can't beat the classics!
