A/N Anyone not see the movie yet? I'm shuffling lots of bits and pieces around, and repurposing all the jokes.
Why him?
The spy was very well aware of the pair of agents following the car, even if Chuck and Ellie seemed to be oblivious. Chuck wanted to talk to her, and she wanted to talk to him, so they sat in the back seat together. She angled her body as best she could to be able to look out the windows often. Not being the driver, she didn't get many opportunities to use the mirrors, but it seemed to her she was seeing the same cars. Hard to tell when there were so many cars and they all looked so similar, but the drivers were another story. One of them, she was certain, was the woman from the hat rack.
A pair following them, and a whole team circling. Following Chuck? Or Ellie? The woman at the hat rack looked eager, and she hadn't looked twice at Sarah, even as she was knocking her over. Not interested in a woman. Eager for Chuck.
Why him? He fixes phones.
Chuck's phone rang, a ringtone that sounded just like a landline. Who would do that? He pulled it out and said, "Go for Chuck," without taking his eyes off her.
Voice activated?
"This is Captain Cobra, Force Recon," said the phone in a harsh whisper. "I know who you are and I know where you are, you monster. You're an abomination, a blight on humanity, and one day I'll-"
Chuck snatched the phone up to his ear, forgetting it was on speaker. "Cut the crap, Morgan, okay? I-"
"Ha! You didn't recognize me, did you?"
Silent eye roll. "Obviously I did, Morgan, and thanks for embarrassing me in front of my-"
"We're still on for later, right?"
"I have a-"
"Now don't try to weasel out of it again. You owe me a rematch."
"I have a guest. Female."
"Like I'm gonna believe that. You should have said the dentist. I wouldn't have believed that either but at least it would have been plausible. See you in a couple of hours."
"But-"
The phone went silent in a way that meant no one was listening, which, honestly, was how it sounded before. She pointed at his phone. "That, was, uh..."
"Yes. I'm sorry, there's no excusing him. We can still drop you off here, if you'd rather."
She'd fought her way out of worse places, but she was tired of fighting. "He sounded kind of...puppyish, too."
"He is," said Ellie from the front seat. "The kind that yips and jumps all over you and pees a lot."
"Now that's not fair," said Chuck. "Morgan never jumps." He winked at her. "Too much work."
Speaking of things that sounded like work..."Rematch?"
"Video game."
Not work, then. "Can I watch?" Watching someone play a video game had never been high on her list of things to do before, so why was she hoping for it now?
"I wouldn't mind, but...it's Guitar Hero down at the arcade at the Pier, so I'd have to drive. He'll brag all the way down and sulk all the way back."
"Unless he wins." The thought bothered her, but there wasn't anything she could do about that. The spies, though, that was another matter.
"That would be worse. He's bitter in defeat, but obnoxious in victory. Plus he won't win."
"What do you mean he lives with her?" snapped Decker, when his minions called with the address. "Oh, a separate apartment in the same complex. That's better. No one would believe a guy like him living with his sister. Of course she's not his sister, you idiot! Can't you spot a handler when you see one?"
"Never saw one take her duties so literally before," muttered Gruber.
"Every partnership has its own dynamic," said Decker. "Anything new on this guy?"
"A cover legend straight out of a comic book."
"They're called graphic novels, thank you very much," said the speaker.
Gruber snarled, "Don't be such a-" He stopped when he realized there wasn't anyone there.
"Sorry, sir," said Delgado. "They've got a tap on his windows. He's showing the babe his comic book collection."
"Comic books?" said Decker, shaking his head. "Who thought that up? This is obviously a safe house, the guy was in Budapest a week ago."
"Could be his home base," said Delgado, gathering details from the team on site. "The handler seems pretty well established. Mailboxes and everything."
"Of course. Get everybody ready. First chance we get, we have to bug the place and do it fast and careful. I don't want any of them to be seen, even if his handler was sitting right there." Decker left him to it. "What about his cover?" he asked Gruber.
"Super-geniuses, both of them," said Gruber. "She put herself through med school on a scholarship, he got into Stanford on a scholarship. Almost graduated until he was expelled for cheating."
"Cheating?" sneered Decker. "My ass. I can believe the genius bit, but cheating has 'government cover' written all over it."
"Especially when you consider who accused him of it," said Gruber smugly.
"Don't make me ask."
"Bryce Larkin. They were roommates in some fraternity."
Decker snorted. "Of course. It's perfect. The Greek probably translates as C, I, and A. Larkin monitors him through college, then gets him booted and hands him off to this supposed sister. Shame, anger, social isolation, blah, blah, blah. Textbook."
"Wouldn't textbook be to keep him under the radar with mediocre grades?"
Decker shook his head. "Not with a scholarship to Stanford. That had to be where they met, we've got a program there. They had to let him soar, no way to avoid it, then they brought him down into the shadows quickly. I bet if you dig deep enough you'll find a payout to the scholarship people too." Gruber made a note. "Now instead of being stuck in a cushy corporate office he can go anywhere he needs to go from a Buy More, just like us. It's perfect."
"Do they have Buy Mores in Budapest?"
"I doubt he's ever stepped foot in one, but if you go to the store he supposedly works at, you can be sure everyone will swear he's been in every day. The whole place is probably a CIA substation with a handful of real employees for cover."
"Sir?" said Delgado. "Bartowski and the babe are going to lunch."
Gruber stopped his researching, got out the boxes of mikes and other gear. "About time," said Decker. "Alert the team. Where are they going?"
"Some place called Poppy's," said Delgado, getting into the driver's seat. "I looked it up, it's in the Buy More plaza. We'll have some time."
"Send Sasha along after them. She can keep an ear on him, in case he lets anything slip. Hot blondes are good for that, if nothing else. Most important, it'll keep her hands out of this guy's tighty-whities. Let's get this done."
"And here we have Burbank's world-famous Buy More plaza," said Chuck cheerfully, as they pulled into the parking lot. "Utterly unique in all the world by being the only Buy More plaza located in Burbank."
"How utterly unique," said Sarah, deadpan. She'd managed to relax at last. No one seemed to be following them here, at least.
"Couldn't have said it better myself."
"You did say it yourself."
"I thought I'd heard it somewhere. However, today is not a day for Buy More...ing? Today we seek sustenance, and there is no better place to seek it than at Poppy's."
"The world-famous Poppy's?" asked Sarah, who'd never heard of it.
"God, I hope not," said Chuck, with a shudder. "Burbank-famous is bad enough. Can you imagine trying to elbow past the Pope or the Queen trying to get your order in? Poppy's has the best sandwiches on Earth. They'd travel."
"I'll need to taste-test this claim for myself," said Sarah.
"No you won't," said Chuck, pulling up front of seemingly-innocuous row of stores. "Poppy has this bizarre gift-or curse-of taste memory. You can just tell her what ingredients you want and she'll tell you if they work before she ever slices the bread. She's practically a floor-show."
"Curse?"
"Some people have tried some unholy combinations just to see her squirm. They get banned. For life. You don't want to get banned for life from Poppy's. I know I don't." He popped open his door.
"You would never do something like that," said Sarah, getting out as well.
"Um," growled Chuck, turning red, "Err, well..."
"Chuck?"
"It's not my fault," he said frantically. A woman entered the store ahead of them and he caught the door, holding it open for Sarah. "It was before I ever met you."
"What was before you met me?"
Decker's crew crowded around Laszlo, trying to look inconspicuous as he tried to unlock the window in Chuck's ground floor apartment. "There we go," he said, turning his lockpicks gently. "Ta-da." He pushed the window, but it didn't budge.
"Ta-da?" asked Decker.
"Goddamn thing wasn't locked," said Laszlo. "I just locked it. Give me a second..." He wasn't so gentle with his picks this time, but eventually the lock yielded. Laszlo pushed the frame, waiting for it to open before he said "Ta-da" a second time.
"Everybody in. Fan out, and dig in." He took a look around the room, comic books, posters, action figures everywhere. "Goddammit. Okay. Who here knows what graphic novels are?"
Several of them raised hands, two did not. "You two, take the comic books. Be quick but be thorough. Any one of them could have a cipher."
"I can take those," said Delgado.
"Nah, you might start reading them." He pointed at Gruber and Laszlo. "You two, start on the dolls."
"They're called action figures, sir."
"You're out." He pointed at someone else. "You, dolls with Laszlo. Gruber, you're with me."
"There's my lover-boy," shrieked an Asian woman from behind the counter. Everyone in the crowded lobby turned to look at them.
Chuck grinned weakly, and waved. "Hi, Poppy. Please don't call me that." Sarah laughed.
Anna drew the short straw, following Chuck into the store.
Poppy continued to yell the length of the room, enjoying his discomfort. "You come to give me much pleasure, like last time?"
Geez, lady, way to play to the stereotype, thought Anna.
"Hopefully not," muttered Chuck. "I just wanted to treat a, a friend, to lunch."
"A friend, eh?" Poppy looked at Sarah. "A friend with benefits." Some people in the crowd smirked. "That's me!"
"Yes, Poppy," said Chuck. "We all know you're a treasure, and we're, I'm, willing to share."
"That's right, lover-boy. You come here, and Poppy will take care of you both. And you will take care of me."
"I will?" asked Sarah, losing the grin.
"Don't worry," said Chuck, "I got you covered."
Poppy waved him forward, and everyone got quiet, taking a step back as Chuck walked up to the counter. "You know what I want, lover," she said, bracing herself against the counter. "Give it to me."
"You can start me off with a three," he said and she nodded.
"Some twelve on one side, fourteen on the other, and little dots of twenty-seven on both sides." Poppy closed her eyes, licked her lips, and smiled.
What the Hell?, thought Anna. "Are you getting this?" she whispered into her phone.
"Some kind of code?" asked Rye.
Chuck wasn't finished yet. "The main event is going to be some nine, both sides, with one side supporting some six, and the other some eight." Poppy started moaning.
"In between is a thick layer of forty..." He watched her face. "Two." Her entire body shook. "Put some thirty-three on top, and make it combative."
Poppy gasped. "And your friend?"
"She's new. Let's start her off with an A-plus-plus. Put us both in the same box."
"Oo, you like this one, eh?" Poppy made sure Sarah heard her. In the next county.
"Yeah," said Chuck. "I think I do."
Delgado's phone buzzed. It had to be Sasha, everyone else was here. "Hello? What's up?"
"We got trouble."
He held the phone away as he called out, in a sort of 'yelling without trying to make any noise' sort of whisper. "Boss, we got trouble."
Decker left off bugging the room while Gruber hacked the computer. "Don't tell me he didn't go to the restaurant."
Delgado spoke into phone. "Did he get to the restaurant?"
"Yeah, he did."
"Yes, he did."
"I can hear her, you idiot," snapped Decker. "How much trouble can he get into there, for God's sake?"
"How much trou-oh, you heard."
"He's ordering."
"He's ordering," said Delgado.
"He's ordering?" asked Decker. "It's a restaurant. He's supposed to be ordering."
"He's using some kind of code."
"Some kind of code?" said Decker. Numerous possibilities presented themselves, none of them good. "Oh my God."
"What do I do?" said the phone.
"What does she do?" said Delgado.
Decker snatched the phone from his hand. "Disengage, as quickly and quietly as possible. If that's one of their listening posts you don't want to draw any more attention to yourself than you already have. We'll finish up here and come get you." He shoved the phone back into Delgado's hand. "All right, has anybody got anything so far?"
"Zilch."
"Zip."
"Nada."
"His cover is perfect," said Laszlo.
"No such thing. Gruber, what about the computer?" When Gruber didn't immediately reply Decker snapped into default mode and yelled at him. "Hello, Earth to Gruber."
"Sorry, Boss," said Gruber. "I can't get in. This thing's got security like I've never seen before. Whatever he's got on here, it's probably not his baby pictures."
Decker smiled. "I knew it."
A/N2 Poppy is Lou's, but with Poppy instead of Lou.
