A/N I wasn't actually sure if I wanted to do this, but many people asked about it and that prompted my evil imagination, so here we are. I've been splitting many of the movie roles into two or more Chuck characters, and here I'm splitting a scene, the longest in the film and the only one that gave the only female spy any chance to shine.


Lester pulled up in front of the building, got out of his car, and looked up. Penthouse suite. Backpack in hand he announced himself at the desk, and was given leave to take the elevator up to the top level, where he knocked on the door. It buzzed and he opened it, finding an empty suite to one hand and a flight of steps on the other. "Come up here now," said the same voice he heard over the phone, from the top of the stairs this time. This time it echoed, too.

He climbed the stairs, wondering why they couldn't just have the elevator go up another floor. At the top a woman waited for him impatiently, the big hoop earrings, big... everything, jiggling with the tapping of her foot. She was cosplaying the character of Lazerbitch herself, in all of her nearly naked leather glory. "My entire crew have probably signed off already," she said unhappily, moving in close. "I'm really hoping you can make the rest of this night worth my while." She ran a finger down his arm, stopping about midway to pull her hand back, fingers rubbing together.

Lester circled around her, toward the nearest set of open doors. "It's, uh, this way, right, madam?"

"No, it is this way." Sasha turned and walked away at a slow saunter, her body swaying, the rips in the back of her outfit carefully placed to gape with each sway.

Good work, Sasha, she heard in her ear. He almost dropped his bag.

Sasha continued into a different room at the far end of the hall. "You will come in here and you will work," she said, turning back to face Lester.

His eyes were very wide, his face pale. "hahm," he garbled. "Na ...hahm ...hime, I'm, hahm, na, not too late, am I?"

"Too late?" asked Sasha. "For what? My betrayal? My crew, they continued on without me, they kicked Lazerbitch ass without me-only a side mission, but still-so now it is they who are too late, too late to come groveling back to my feet for forgiveness, whilst I, I-"

"Need a new crew," finished Lester, who appreciated a good melodramatic rant as much as the next man, but only when it was his own.

Correct, said Thing.

"Correct," she said, slightly deflated after all the buildup.

Lester gifted her with one of his most charming leers. "Perhaps if you're good enough, you can ride along with my partner Jeff and me sometime."

"Or perhaps I will allow you to eat my dust," said Sasha, adopting the classic pose from the cover of disk 1 as much as was anatomically possible, since it was designed by men with great skill at graphics and the libidos of teenagers.

Lester adopted the pose of that disk's antagonist, only without the bulging muscles, ripped leather, or the cigar. "In your dreams, wench!" he shouted, the villain's classic riposte.

If you're done flirting...

She backed off. "You will fix my screen, and then I will show you how to play."

He backed off. "I'll fix your screen, and I'd love to stay and give you lessons, but I'm on call."

"Neither of us can do anything until you are done, nerd boy." said Sasha. "I am going to get a drink, you are going to get to work." She waved a hand at something, presumably a wall with a TV mounted on it wall, and walked in that same direction.

Lester hurried forward into the room, just in time to see her reach a sideboard on the side of the room, her back to him once again. "Wonderful...screen," he said, as she turned to glower at him. "I'll get your system back up in a jiffy."

"What is a jiffy?" asked Sasha, knocking back half her drink.

"No idea," said Lester. "The amount of time it takes to fix a system, I guess. Some sort of sliding scale..."

"Well, I am going to change into something less rough and tumble," said Sasha, finishing her drink. "I'll be back in a jiffy. We'll see which of our jiffies is faster."

She sauntered her way out of the room again, but Lester didn't watch her go. A true nerd, he ogled the rig and her screen, as appealing to him as she was, but less likely to take offense. He ran his fingers down the faces of the machines, lightly touching the smooth metal of the boxes housing the circuitry of the gods.

A noise from the area where Ms. Lazerbitch had gone made him pull back his hands before she found him touching her...untouchables. Without his tools. Looking over his shoulder he opened his backpack and slipped out one of his more...specialized tools. Not to mention illegal. He took out his penlight and removed the batteries, slipping them into the ports of his gizmo.

He picked up the game remote and tried out most of the functions, seeing the board he'd made react each time. So the remote was good.


Gruber freaked. "He's got a signal interceptor!" He started shutting down active systems.

Decker turned away from the monitor to yell at him. "I thought you scanned him in the elevator."

"It's home-made, and was powered down at the time," said Tommy, taking his share of the blame for the lapse. Decker would blame them both anyway. "Just plastic and wire. Not even plastic, that looks like some kind of fiber board. We were scanning for government issue."

"Who knows if any of our countermeasures will work on what he's carrying?" added Vincent.

"Exactly."

"He's as clever as his boss," said Decker, letting them off this particular hook. He was down too many operatives already, and Vincent was vouching for them. Sort of.

"Switch a few wires around, reverse the polarity, and he could be in our systems."

"We're on passive right now," said Gruber, sitting back in his chair and looking at all the blank screens. "Everything but the rig itself. That should be safe enough."

"It isn't," said Thing. "I had to connect to our system to print the outfit Sasha was wearing. If he flips that switch he'll find a system much larger than that rig would account for."

"Warn Sasha," said Decker. "We don't want to kill this guy, even though we really do want to kill this guy. We need her to draw him off."


Lester put the remote back where he found it, exactly as it had been. He held up his signal interceptor, a simple diagnostic tool as he would explain to any police officer who asked, and prepared to switch a few wires around to make it a signal inserter, very useful to a game player who didn't want to go to the expense of owning his own rig.

"I am not hearing any work being done, nerd boy," called Sasha from the room where she'd gone to change.

"If you heard me I would be doing it wrong," said Lester, scrambling away from the rig and putting his inserter away. He grabbed a TV-style remote and aimed it at the TV, pressing the power button.

The TV did not turn on. A bed swung down noiselessly from the wall behind him.

Lester pressed the button again, but the TV still didn't turn on. The bed swung back up to become a wall again.


"Does he think we're fools?" sneered Decker to nobody.

"That TV is a perfect mirror," said Tommy, just to show he was keeping up.

They watched the bed come down again, and then other things began popping up, out, and sideways as the agent began to try other buttons on the remote. "If he's anything like his boss," said Gruber, "He'll probably pretend not to know anything is behind him and fall all over everything."

"No bet," said Tommy, as many of the pieces in the room on the screen pulled back into their housings. "He's been pulling that buffoon act all night."


"What are you doing in here, nerd boy?" asked Sasha, making her entrance. She'd dropped her cosplay gear for something long, flowing, and diaphanous. She paused in the entrance, letting the light behind her show off what she had hidden beneath the gown.

Lester turned. Luscious...female... Both words and thoughts failed him, and he went on instinct, lunging forward.

He tripped on the bed and fell full-length, bouncing off the mattress and onto the floor, the remote slipping out of his hand.


"Told you," said Gruber.

"Too bad the bed was there," said Decker. "I would have liked to see Sasha take him down."


"Well," said Sasha, walking past him into the room. Lester tried for an upskirt glimpse but the gown was too long. She had very pretty calves, though. "You've certainly saved me a few steps."

Lester scrambled to his feet in her wake, giving the bed an odd look. "What do you mean?" he asked, looking from bed to woman. Luscious, female woman. Not even noticing the redundancy, he walked toward her. His foot kicked the remote on the floor. A hole opened in the floor beneath his foot. "What ste-EH!"

His foot lifted out of the hole, perched on top of a stereo unit, and Lester rose into the air, off-balance. He fell forward, arms wheeling as he tried to grab something to prevent a fall.

He caught the neck of Sasha's gown.

Fabric ripped as Lester plummeted to the ground, his fall slightly broken but still enough to bloody his nose. Something went thump! on the floor in front of him.


"Oh, dear God," said Decker, preparing to explain the massacre to Shaw, and the bill for getting bloodstains out of his carpet.


Lester looked up.

Sasha sat on the floor, the fabric clutched in his hands stretching up between her legs, leaving her luscious female body on full display. He looked at the cloth in his hands, and the shreds still covering her shoulders. He must have been stunned. Possibly a concussion. Out of his right mind.

He got up and shuffled forward on his knees, gathering up the cloth until he reached her. He held the end of the cloth against her neck, lifting one of her arms and pressing her hand against her chest, holding the cloth there as he let go. Then he backed away again, making sure the ripped edges of her gown were as close together as he could get them to stay. Then he stopped, kneeling between her feet. "Do you have any tape?" he asked.

Sasha burst out laughing. Lester burst out laughing with her. After a few seconds Sasha caught her breath and plucked at the ruins of her clothing. "Well," she said, "That's been done better-" she looked him in the eye "-but not faster." Wink. "Oh, but look at you, all bloody and everything. We have to take care of that at once."

Lester touched his sore nose. "We do?"

"Of course. Come." Sasha tried to stand, but Lester was kneeling on the bottom of her dress. She leaned over in front of him to pull the fabric out and hauled him to his feet, one hand holding up her dress as the other dragged him into the bathroom. The door closed behind them firmly.


The image of the door to the bathroom remained steady in the screen as the men in the security booth waited. "Seems to be taking a long time," said Decker.

"She's being thorough," opined Vincent. "Establishing a rapport. Professional."

A few minutes later...

"Must be a lot of blood," said Tommy.

"She likes blood," said Thing.

"Yeah, but he's supposed to live through the night, isn't he? Turn up the sound."

"You turn it up."

"I'll turn it up," said Decker, doing so. "I don't hear any screaming."

"I hear something, though. Check the oscilloscope."

"You check it."

"I'll check it," said Vincent, doing so. "There's something, but it isn't very loud."

"Sounds like a shower."

"Why would she be running a shower with that guy in there?"

"You don't suppose...?"

"No," said Vincent. "Absolutely not. She is professional to her core, and she was told he was to live."

"Well, what else could she be running all that water for, if not to wash a bucket of blood down the drain?"

"You'll just have to ask her when she comes out."

A few minutes later, the door opened.


"Don't worry about your shirt, Lester," said Sasha, wrapped in a warm fluffy robe and a towel around her hair. "I'll have it properly cleaned and returned to you in the morning."

"Thank you, Sasha," said Lester, clad in a white fluffy robe that made him look even smaller and darker than usual, and a towel around his hair. "I do wish you hadn't knocked me into the tub, though."

She put a hand on his arm. "It was an accident."

He put his hand over hers. "Oh, I know, but how am I supposed to get home now? My mother hates it when I use any detergents but her own."

"Don't worry about it, Lester dear," cooed Sasha. "You'll just scoot into bed like a good boy, and I'll tuck you up nice and warm."

Lester scooted, and lay still as she fussed over him. "My feet are cold." He looked around the room, still a bit dazed. "What a strange day. Chuck's got a girl, Harry's hearing voices, Jeff's blowing bubbles-well, that's not so strange-and now here I am in your bed with cold feet."

"I'll take dare of that in a minute." Sasha got into the bed and turned out the lights. "Now, how's this? Are you warm enough now?"

"Oh!" shrieked Lester, "Ah! Very...very warm."

"Good. You stay there and let Sasha keep you warm, and meanwhile you will tell me all about this crew of yours."


"There, you see," said Vincent. "Totally professional."


Meanwhile, in Echo Park...

Sarah woke up, suddenly and completely. She listened to her surroundings, straining to hear whatever it was that had brought her alert in the first place. She heard nothing, not outside, not in the other room. Then she heard it. Chuck's heart, his breathing. They'd sped up. He was awake. She opened her eyes. "Chuck?"

He looked down at her in surprise. "Sarah?"

She sat up, careful to face away from the window. "Is something wrong?"

"Well, no, not exactly, but...we do need to talk. Or I do."

"What about?"

"Well, I, I have a secret."


A/N2 So what happened in the bathroom? No idea. What could Chuck's secret possibly be? I have a few more ideas about that. Use your imaginations, and leave your thoughts in the comment box below.