_ So, how are your sleeping problems?
_ Not better. Probably worst.
_ Why is that?
Olivia Benson dropped her chin, collecting her strength for what she knew would probably be a long and difficult conversation with her shrink. She looked up sighing.
_ I saw Barba last week.
_ What happened?
_ We had a case. A woman who murdered her husband, who had raped and beaten her up for years. We wanted the best counselor so the sentence would be in her favor. Barba's the best.
_ You called him?
She hesitated for a brief moment.
_ No, Rollins did. Olivia snorted. Carisi wasn't too happy about it. He didn't have the time to mentally prepare his confrontation with the man who taught him law – and always beat him.
_ And you?
_ I wasn't too happy seeing him. But I was glad for the woman, because I knew he would win her case.
_ And did he?
_ With flying colors! Olivia had a small smile at the remembrance of his incredible plea speech.
Seeing Dr Lindstrom's look, however, her smile flailed and she cleared her throat, waiting for him to ask the questions that would certainly lead her down a dangerous path. But that was what she was here for, right?
_ Have you had the chance to speak with him? About something other than the case, I mean.
_ We did.
_ And…?
_ And… I don't know. The anger has deflated a bit, but the sadness is still here, and now I'm left even more confused.
_ Tell me about your conversation.
So Olivia did. From their first encounter at Forlini's to their last, she recounted every word exchanged, even mentioning Rafael's court interrogation of her and his not-so-subtle nudge at how great a human being he still was by caring so much about his client. When she got to the part when Barba told her she was defending Elliot over him, the psychologist interrupted her:
_ How did it make you feel?
_ What, precisely?
_ Barba's interpreting your feelings for Elliot and anger at him?
_ Made me angrier.
_ How so?
_ I felt he didn't have the right to interpret me. And throwing at my face my absence of a father and comparing it to his own childhood experience, as if every one of our grown-up relationships had to be seen through the prism of our dysfunctional family situations. I thought it was cheap. Freud for the dummies.
Dr. Lindstrom smiled at that.
_ Well, he's no psychologist. But maybe he was trying to make you react. Trying to tell you something about your relationship with himself as compared to your relationship with your ex-partner.
_ I think you might be right. Because afterwards, he told me that I couldn't see Elliot with clear eyes because I loved him unconditionally. And when I replied that he couldn't tell me how I feel, he said…
Captain Benson choked at the words that were coming next. Though they had spin in her head constantly for the past few days, she had yet to say them out loud. And they were so heavy.
_ What did he say, Olivia?
_ … he said that he could because he knew what it felt to love someone unconditionally.
There. She had said it. And now she felt a bit stupid because repeating it out loud to an uninvolved third party, the phrase sounded like he could have been talking about someone else. As if reading her mind, her shrink asked:
_ Do you think he was talking about you? Think it was a confession?
_ I felt as though it was, at the moment. Especially since he was fumbling with his money to pay for the drinks, definitely wanting to get out. And he said that whenever I was ready to "stop feeling betrayed by" him, he would be here.
_ What did you say, then?
_ That I missed him. And then he left.
_ How do you interpret this 'unconditional love'?
_ Mine for Elliot, or his for me?
_ Do you agree with his statement that you feel unconditional love for Mr. Stabler?
_ I don't know. Made me think about it, and I have a hard time answering that for myself.
_ Have you seen Elliot Stabler recently?
_ Yes, I have! We worked a case together a few weeks back.
_ How was it?
_ Almost felt like old times. Except he's bald and I'm chubbier. Olivia chuckled. And he has a new partner who named his newborn after him. Got a bit jealous, I'll admit.
_ So you're good?
_ Yeah…
_ But…?
_ … but we're not the same people. So much has happened, to him, to me, so many years apart, and life goes on, right? It's like looking at a photo of a younger version of yourself, a version who hasn't really lived yet, who didn't know better. Easier, lighter, but irrelevant to your current life. And so… almost fake.
_ It feels nostalgic.
_ Exactly! And I want to hold on to that, because Elliot, our partnership, our relationship… it's the best part of this younger version of myself. And I lost it so brutally, the pain was so raw, and I've missed it so much, that I couldn't possibly let go of it now.
_ But it has to fit to your current life, for it not to feel fake anymore.
_ I guess so.
_ You think it's possible?
_ I honestly don't know.
_ And Rafael Barba?
_ What about him? Does he fit in my current life?
The Doctor nodded.
_ He did up until the point he felt the outrageous need to defend the man who killed Kathy.
_ So from what I understand, neither Stabler, who was gone a long time and recently reappeared into your life, nor Barba, who loves the 'newer' version of yourself but is at odds with Stabler who incarnates the best of your younger years, seem to fit into your life right now. Have you considered taking your distance from both of them?
_ I have. Considered and taken it. I only interact with Elliot at work and I don't speak with Rafael, except for this one time.
_ I meant emotionally.
_ And how do I do that?
_ Only you can tell. However, first, you have to know if taking your distance would make you happy. Either with one, the other, or both of them. And the only way you can know, is by confronting your feelings for each of them. Your real feelings.
_ My real feelings? What do you mean?
_ I mean, do you love them? Is Mr. Barba right with his assessment that you love Stabler unconditionally? Do you return Barba's unconditional love? Is this love – are these loves – platonic or romantic?
_ You know Rollins actually said that Elliot and I should take a room and get it out of our systems.
_ What do you think?
_ I… I don't know. Me and Elliot… it was never like that. He had been married the whole time we were partners, so it was never an option.
_ It doesn't mean that you never wanted it to be, even unconsciously.
Olivia sent him a dirty look, oscillating between embarrassed and angry. She clearly – and consciously – didn't want to go into this.
_ Olivia, our unconscious thoughts, wants, and feelings drive us a lot more than most people think.
_ I know that, it is basically what my job's all about.
_ I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. But it's not because you know it on a professional level, that you ever thought to apply it to yourself. As long as it didn't feel like it was affecting your life, you never touched on it.
_ But now it does, and you think I should tap on my unconscious drive.
Sensing her tiredness under the sarcastic quip, he decided to gently smooth the conversation to an end before she would close up completely.
_ I think it's the best way you will know what to do, to start on your healing journey towards your much deserved happiness, Olivia. Whether it be with Stabler, Barba, someone else, or by yourself.
_ And then what?
Dr. Lindstrom offered her a broad smile, through which one could catch a hint of sadness.
_ And then, you won't need me anymore.
