It's alright, I get it. That's what you do when you love somebody unconditionally.
_ Pff, pff.
Please don't tell me how I feel.
Damn it hurt. Everything hurt.
In this case, I can, because I do know what it means to love someone unconditionally.
He felt so old and clumsy, it wasn't even funny anymore.
When you're ready to stop feeling betrayed by me, I'll be here.
And the buzzing in his ears! It was like his heart was going to give up and leave his chest with an exhausted shrug.
I miss you t…
_ Barba!
_ Wha… what?
_ I've been talking to myself for the last two minutes, except I thought I was talking to you.
_ Sorry… out of breath… hurt everywhere…
_ Ok, ok, I'm sparing you. Let's stop now.
Rafael Barba and Sonny Carisi slowed to a stop, the latter quite more gracefully than the former. The lawyer bent in two, laying his hands on his trembling knees.
_ I'm too old for this.
_ Come on, Rafael! You're still fresh as a rose!
Barba turned sharply his head to look deadpan at his running buddy.
_ Although I don't think I smell like one right now.
_ You're funny! And absolutely right. Have time to get some coffee? Catch up?
_ Yeah, definitely.
They made their way to the park's coffee stand, ordered their drinks and sat with a relieved sigh at one of the small green metal tables scattered around the kiosk.
_ So, how have you been? Still keen on defending the undefendable?
_ Wow, that's low. Where did that come from? I thought we were having a nice Sunday morning run-and-coffee compadre time.
_ Sorry, I actually meant it as a joke. That was bad. And too soon.
_ Sore over your last lost?
_ Nah… I let you win on purpose. I wanted this woman to get a free pass as much as you did. Couldn't have looked at myself in the mirror if she had had to do time behind bars.
_ I hear you… And just so you know, Wheatley was the only real bad guy I have defended since switching sides.
_ And you did it to protect Liv.
Rafael's brows shot high with surprise.
_ You really believe that?
_ I do. Can't think of any other reason why you would suddenly defend a sociopath who killed a cop's wife. It can't be for money and glory. Nobody changes that much in just a few years.
_ Thanks Sonny. It means a lot to me.
They settled in companionable silence for a few moments, enjoying their coffees and the warm sunbeams of late spring. Rafael was suddenly taken aback about how good he felt spending quality time with Carisi, when the two of them had never really been friends. He had always regarded the younger man as a good colleague, a deserving – although often annoying – apprentice, a fun adversary in court and overall, a kind man. But he had always kept him at arm's length, not wanting to create a real bond. He never felt very comfortable with other men, generally preferring the company of women. But there were some things… some things he now realized could be easier to talk to with another man. He had always kept to himself when it came to feelings and desire. As a cisgender heterosexual, he was very shy about opening up to his female friends. And what good not talking about love had done for him? Nothing. It was a disaster. A long desert road sparsely dotted with unattainable oases. At over 50, maybe it was time he tried to talk with his peers. And one of them was in front of him, who was apparently willing to make a friend out of his sorry carcass. Or a talk-buddy, at least. If he believed in that kind of stuff, he'd say the Universe was sending him a sign.
_ So, I heard you and Rollins are a couple, now?
Carisi started, but then beamed at him with a smile so broad that his nickname "Sonny" could as well have been spelled "Sunny" – it would have been more fitting.
_ That much, hey?
_ Yes, it's been a year and it's been great. More than great. We had a few bumps in the road, it was difficult for her to open up and getting our relationship out on the open, go to the next level. I wasn't patient enough and we almost ended it… but managed to get through it. It's working and I'm forever grateful for it. And not just me and her, you know? With the girls too. I've never fathered children, but I feel like I'm a dad to Jesse and Billie. We are a family, and when I'll be brave enough to ask her to marry me, well…
_ Wow. It's… strong. You look really happy. I never had something like that.
_ Really?
_ I mean, I've had girlfriends, obviously, but I never felt so strong about any of them. Except for the one in college, but she took off with my best friend and that was that. As for having a family… I've thought about it, my mother would fill my ears with her desire for grandchildren, and it's not that I didn't want them, you know? Just that my job always took so much out of me, and then the years passed by, and one day I woke up and I felt like I had missed the best years of my life. Now I feel I'm just too old to find that kind of love.
_ Tututut. Again with the 'too old' crap. As cliché as it sounds, you're never too old for love. And if it's any comfort to you, I also felt that I had wasted my best years, until I fell crazy in love with Amanda and couldn't care less that because she already had children of her own I would never be a biological father. So I realized that I hadn't wasted my years being alone, but had been unbeknown to me biding my time until I found the one.
_ Does 'the one' even mean anything? I mean, you're obviously both happy, in love, and hoping you'll spend the rest of your life together. That's incredibly great, honestly. But I think it's just lucky that you met, and felt, and wanted the same thing at the same time. Most of the time, people fall in love with people who don't love them back, and the other way around, and you just end up settling for whatever you can get so as to not end up alone for the rest of your life.
_ That's just cynical, Rafael! I know you are not religious, so I'm not gonna talk 'fate' with you, but sometimes love happens when you expect it the less. I was in love with Amanda for a long time. I think I fell for her as soon as I met her. She couldn't care less about me, and never looked my way. Oh, I could have slept with her, if I'd wanted too. She even propositioned me. But I would never have settled for a one-or-two night stands. So I tried to move on while watching her get into relationships after relationships, I never said anything, just chafed at the bit and tried to be there for her as her friend when it all went down to hell – which it always did. I was with her when she gave birth to her first baby from another man. Then to her second from yet another man. And just when I thought that it would be like this until she met someone who would hold, or until she got too weary to try love anymore, she surprised me by turning to me. And she was dead-serious. Not drunk, not horny, not playing with me, just… she wanted it too! After years of unrequited love, the feelings were finally mutual.
_ Why do you think it is?
_ Well, I think that two people are rarely in tune, but that if you stick around long enough, and if your own feelings don't change, the other might see you as the one true choice. At least, it was like that for me and Amanda. She had been searching herself for years, and when I was immediately ready for her, she was definitely not. I never failed her, always stood by her side. I think that her feelings for me bloomed when she realized that I was the one true constant in her life. That I was safe. And safe was what she was looking for, without even knowing it. Her unconscious drive. It may not seem very romantic, no 'love at first sight' fairytale, but in the end, this is true love. Real and concrete. And that's the best anybody should strive for.
Rafael stared at him for a long moment. He couldn't help but comparing Sonny's story with his own with Olivia. True, he hadn't fallen in love with her when they met. He had immediately admired her, found she was a beautiful woman. Then he had learned to appreciate her company and their constant bickering. It was soon that he could consider her as a friend, a confident. No doubt she did too. But along the way… he had started to fantasize about her. Not – mainly – sex, but dating, and even, on these long lonely nights, dared he imagine spending his life with her. Still "squabbling at 85" as she had herself told him. But he never believed she meant it the way that he pictured it on his own private movie screen. Like in Claude Nougaro's song 'Cinéma', "J'ai du cœur, mais pas d'estomac", he had a heart but no guts, and whereas he imagined every night taking her manly, like a 50's movie star, at the end of the day he could only manage to offer to take her to the movies – or for a drink at Forlini's, as it was. And then he had to leave, couldn't bear to be ADA anymore after what he did, and leaving her was heart-wrenching, but he thought they would continue… whatever their relationship was. However, even though they called often and saw each other from time to time, it wasn't nearly enough. He lost touch with her life, her work, Noah... And then the pandemic broke. And then Stabler came back. And then…
Fortunately, Carisi interrupted his spiraling train of ridiculous thoughts.
_ Are you just realizing something, my friend?
_ None of my relationships resemble yours with Amanda.
_ Maybe, but you just realized something.
When Rafael didn't offer any answer, Sonny went on.
_ You know, she too has a difficult past with men. Men who hurt her, who failed her…
_ Who the hell are you talking about?
_ Come on, Rafael. Why did you start this conversation? I'm not stupid, you know. And I think I've known you long enough to spot when you're trying to get something out of someone without revealing your game. But you know what? I'm better than you, now.
With a triumphant smirk, Carisi opened his arms wide, as if he wanted the onlookers in the park to applaud his indisputable victory.
_ Don't get too smug, Sonny, I'm not talking. We're not in a court room, and I'm not on the stand.
_ Ok, don't talk, then. But don't mind if I do?
_ I kind of do, mind. I'm afraid you'll twist everything just so the story fit your incurable optimist 'rainbow-and-unicorn' view of the world.
_ I'm kind of flattered. So, you know what you have to do. Talk.
The counsellor started opening his mouth, obviously to protest, but before he could say anything, ADA Carisi added:
_ And Mr. Barba: the truth, and nothing but the truth.
Rafael sighed heavily but decided to comply. You can't just deny a sign of the universe. Even if you don't believe in it.
_ Right.
