Hello everyone! Another shorter chapter, that I call in my head, with the previous one, the "middle part". I think there will be 3 more chapters to the story. Enjoy!
He had called. They had made plans. Careful, downplayed plans, nothing too fancy or too personal, just nice and comfortable, so as to make this 'date' as innocuous as possible. When it was anything but.
In the end it didn't really matter, because another hard, all-day-and-night case, followed by home confinement because Noah had caught that goddamn virus, had put it on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. And Olivia wasn't sure how she was feeling about it. She was frustrated, of course. When she had called Elliot, it was a spontaneous move, fed by her conversation with Dr Lindstrom two days before, and she had been emboldened, felt strong and righteous by the sole idea of confronting the man and the feelings she had avoided for so long. However, like with most impulses, when the opportunity had passed, she had deflated and felt shameful relief in keeping to the comfort of hiding and not knowing.
She was on her second-to-last day of lockdown. It was Tuesday morning, her son was in his room doing his homework to keep with the program and not fall behind before his return for the last week of school before summer break. She too was doing her homework, for pretty much the same reason and that thought made her snort inwardly at how school days were never really over, even when you were 54 and an NYPD captain. Because they both suffered only minor symptoms, they were overly frustrated when they looked out the window and saw underdressed people strolling happily in the street below, ice creams and cold drinks in hands, enjoying the tauntingly nice weather as if they had no care in the world and had to be nowhere else but with their loved ones or contentedly by themselves, just in the here and now. How she wished she could feel the same.
Olivia sighed heavily and tried to concentrate on Fin's report about their last chase of a perp that had ended in slight injuries on both sides. The guy wanted to press charges but she wasn't worried. It was a stretch and his counselor, whom she had met once or twice and knew was decent and professional, would in no doubt talk him down.
Thinking about this counselor made her think of another one. One who was also decent and professional but who had stepped in something he should never have had. She knew she needed to talk to him. She knew her lasting anger at him was not reasonable, not even justified. She had fleetingly questioned why she was 'holding on to this' as he had put it – and the truth was, she was afraid of losing control. Resent and blame, she knew how to handle. It was below herself, below her character and maturity, but she needed it for now.
What was bugging her, though, was that at some point her relationships with Rafael and Elliot had started to overlap in her mind. The two men couldn't be more different, in their personality but also in the role they played in her life. They had only met once (admittedly in a somewhat 'unusual' situation), and she had barely ever mentioned one to the other. But try hard as she might, she wasn't able to think of one without thinking of the other. Which made everything so much more complicated…. And which was all Rafael's fault. Hadn't he said exactly that? "Stabler coming back has made things more complicated". She wasn't sure what he had meant by it – she hadn't let him elaborate, the wound of his betrayal too fresh for her to listen to anything he had to say – but it had stayed with her. True to his sneaking ways, Rafael had squeezed himself between Elliot and her, a relationship he had no business getting into. And conversely, he had tried to put Elliot in the middle of their own relationship.
Maybe her shrink was right – wasn't he always? She had to evaluate her feelings for both men. She understood that she would not be satisfied settling things with Rafael if her relationship with Elliot was not made finally clear. And she would not be happy in her relationship with Elliot if she left unresolved her issues with Rafael. The man had such a part in her present life. He had been by her side all along, not judging, not meddling with who she was becoming, but accompanying her. He had been the best friend she ever had. His leaving had made her sad, but he had just been a phone call away, and that was precious. In the end, he represented the person she was now, an accomplished woman and mother, a good friend and a good captain. A far cry from who she had been when Elliot was around – he was not to blame, of course, but the ambiguity of their relationship had kept her from going forward. When he left, it was one of the most difficult thing she had to go through. But she had gone past it, and the hardship of his vanishing had in the end been a blessing. Which didn't mean the wound had disappeared. Nor the feelings. It didn't mean either that she didn't want him now. But how? Would she be able to be with him, love him, and still be the person she had become? Could both he and Rafael be in her life? And if she had to choose, could she? Would she?
Could… would… with 'ifs' you could put Paris in a bottle (an expression she had learn during her trip in Paris with Ed and Noah, years ago. She just loved how tellingly absurd it sounded).
Yes, Olivia. Stop speculating and get a grip.
In the evening, Olivia and Noah decided to sneak outside for a quick illicit walk before the sun went down. Their masks firmly in place, they walked around the block hand in hand, trying to keep as much distance as possible with the people around them. They chatted idly about Noah's classes, his friends at school and how he couldn't wait to see them on Thursday, her own friends at work, but how she could definitely wait before the next case, the general sheer boredom of being stuck in their too-small apartment. But her rather good mood took a hit with Noah's next chosen topic:
_ Mom, I haven't seen Uncle Rafa in a while. Is he okay?
Seeing her changing expression, the boy felt alarmed.
_ Did something happen to him?
_ No! No, Noah, of course not. He's just… been very busy these days.
_ Really? I understand. But I wish he would call, it's like he doesn't care about me anymore.
Olivia's stopped in her track, forcing Noah to slow down and turn toward her, his eyes sad and questioning. God, she felt so stupid and careless! How could she have not thought about how her estrangement with Rafael would affect Noah, who had known him since he was a baby? Who considered him as part of his family? She had to fix that, if that was the only fixing she did. She kneeled down and took her son's hands in hers.
_ Noah, my sweet sweet boy, that's absolutely not true. I know he loves you. It's just… Rafa and I, we got a bit mad at each other. And I think that he doesn't feel comfortable getting in touch with you when he and I are not on good terms.
_ He did something wrong? You're never gonna speak to each other again?
_ It's a very complicated adult matter, but of course we are going to speak to each other again. It is going to get better very soon, I promise. In the meantime, you know you can call him anytime, right? I'm sure he would be very happy to hear from you.
_ Can I?
Her son's obvious relief made her heart constrict in her chest. She would kick herself a long time over her selfishness. It was also yet another reason for her to mend her relationship with Rafael: he was important to her son too.
_ Good! Can I invite him to the dance class end of year performance, then? That would be so cool if he was here too!
While she kept smiling, Olivia felt her uneasiness and something else grow in her stomach. It was in ten days, and she didn't know if she was ready to see Rafael in such a familiar and happy setting. But she absolutely couldn't say no…
_ Of course, honey. You can call him tonight after dinner. He will be thrilled.
While Noah was in the shower and she was preparing their evening meal, Olivia took out her phone from her jeans back pocket and typed a quick text to Rafael. She didn't hesitate before sending it, this was too important. She had already let her feelings go over her son's wellbeing, she wasn't about to do that now. And maybe she could try and talk to him, in a more relaxed context? One where it wasn't about him, or her, or Elliot, or this whole fucked-up situation, but all about the greatest little person on earth? Yes, she thought she could do that. And she was sure Rafael could too.
