Hello, hello! I am so very sorry it took me this long to update. Life has been chaotic. Plus, I rewrote this many times, never satisfied. Now I am. I think. For your patience, though, I'm offering you a longer chapter. Now sit, read, smile (and comment) ;)


He was late.

He hadn't been supposed to work that morning, and had expected to take his time lounging at home before going to Noah's performance. But one of his colleagues, a talented but still green attorney who specialized in armed robberies, had begged him to assist her with a case that had turned sour when the client had flipped on her and decided to plead not-guilty. The risk of losing in court was uncomfortably high, and the junior lawyer was afraid she would not be able to sway the jury in favor of the defendant. Rafael had examined the file and though it was tough, he was convinced they could win. Because his own caseload was quite low, he had been helping her for the past three days, forgoing his long-awaited weekend of sleeping-in and idle activities.

However, he couldn't deny that working on the clock had its advantages – with his brain having to focus solely on the problems at hand, it wasn't available to dwell on his fast-approaching encounter with Olivia.

Running out of his office building and jumping in a cab, he thought about the unfortune that he wasn't ADA anymore, as he could have used the authority figure to exhort the driver to go over the speed limit, saving him a few minutes to collect himself before meeting the squad in the kind of family activity he didn't feel he had a right to partake in anymore.

God, this is going to be awkward.

As he was on the verge of asking the taxi to turn around, having already found a perfect excuse for not showing followed by a vague promise to Noah to make it up to him in some uncertain future, the traffic cleared and in less than a minute the theater was in viewing distance. Chastising himself for his fantasy cowardice, he paid the driver and got out.

It seemed he was just in time, as still a few people were hurrying in the building. He paused a moment while the taxi drove off, contemplating one last time the U-turn option. But if he ever wanted to be in Olivia's good graces again, it wasn't one he was willing to risk. So he climbed up the steps and went through the glass doors.


The auditorium was plunged into darkness, the dim green glow of the emergency exit signs the only source of light, along with the phone screens illuminating the faces and random body parts of people already settled or trying to make their way through the rows of fake-velvet seats. He took out his own mobile as he carefully made his way towards the second row, where Sonny had texted him they would be. He spotted the gang easily, as they took most of the seats: Fin was at the edge, then there was one empty seat, and Rollins, her daughters, Carisi and Liv. Fin turned his head at his arrival and smirked.

_ Hey man! You shaved!

At this, five heads turned toward Rafael with several shades of surprise.

_ Well, way to make for a discreet entry. Nice to see you too, Fin. And hello, everyone! Sorry I'm late.

He received variously enthusiastic waves and nods, Sonny even gifting him with a wink, as a private reminder of their newfound pals slash confidents relationship.

_ Don't worry, it hasn't started yet.

Fin got up to let him pass and he went to sit next to him. Once he was comfortably settled, Liv leaned forward, turning to him with a guarded smile, while everybody else suddenly seemed oddly interested by the impeccable carpeted floor, except for the girls who kept whispering conspiratorially among themselves.

_ Hi Rafael. Thank you for being here today.

_ Happy to be here. How's Noah feeling?

_ Nervous, as you can imagine. He's been fretting for over a week now. But he's happy that he finally can show off his talents.

_ I'm sure he will be great.

They fell silent, unsure of what to say more, but kept holding gazes for a few more seconds before breaking off and leaning back uneasily, both staring right ahead. Sonny cleared his throat.

_ Well, this is nice to be here. I can't wait to see your son performing, Liv!

_ Me too!

_ Me three!

Jesse and Billie shouted enthusiastically one after the other, making everyone jump a little.

_ Ok girls, let's be quiet, we're not at the park.

A loud bang sounded behind the heavy curtains, and bright white spot lights illuminated the stage.

_ Just on cue!" whispered Amanda to no one in particular. Rafael shot a quick glance towards Liv, and seeing her dimmed features enlightening with anticipation, he smiled, finally content to be here.


The show had been better than Barba had expected. He thought it would be cute but clumsy and a bit cheap, with cardboard decors and home-made costumes. Obviously, he never had a close kid relative to go see at performances, so his experience summed up to cheesy family movies and stupid TV shows. But Noah's dance class performance had been a superior amateur one, expertly set and professionally conducted. The children were all apparently skilled and well-trained, and gave the dance commitment, heart and warmth, rendering the whole show even more appealing than most of your run-of-the-mill ballets. It was beautiful.

They had cleared out of the auditorium and were all gathered around the bar while they waited for the little dancers to come out. They chit-chatted excitedly, exchanging impressions and recalling their preferred parts of the show. Although the tension between Olivia and Rafael was still palpable, they had sensibly relaxed and even talked directly at each other a few times. It helped that the subject was Noah and the dance, and that their friends were here to chaperon.

When the young performers arrived, the whole room exploded in applause, cheers of proud parents, and play-mockeries from siblings. Noah appeared among his fellows and ran to the small group. But then he stopped hesitantly, seemingly shy about all these expectant faces looking at him with shiny eyes.

_ Hey…

_ Noah!

It was the girls who broke the spell, jumping on the boy while congratulating him profusely on his amazingness. So much that Amanda had to intervene.

_ Girls! Let his mom have her turn, please!

Jesse and Billie reluctantly let him go, and Noah turned to his mother for his well-deserved hug.

_ I'm so proud of you, Noah. You were amazing, and beautiful.

_ Thank you, mommy.

Amanda and Sonny high-fived him with a huge grin, and Fin patted his shoulder with a fatherly fondness. Then it was Rafael's turn. He was unsure of what to do, a bit scared of how Noah would react to the affection and pride he felt growing in his chest. But when the boy looked up at him with the most genuine smile he had seen in a long time, all his doubts fled his body and he took him in a big crushing hug.

_ This is the best show I've ever seen, Noah. And you're a great dancer. I'm so humbled that you've invited me to see you.

Rafael loosened his grip and held him at arm's length, gazing at him with an emotional smile.

_ Thank you, uncle Rafa. I'm so happy you came. But I'm not that good yet, I still need to learn. I love dancing, though, and I loved doing it in front of so many people. I thought I would be scared, but no. I was happy.

_ And with good reason, kiddo. You'll be burning Broadway's stages in a few years.

Noah beamed at him before turning back to Amanda's daughters, engaging in a conversation they had obviously started the last time they had seen each other. Rafael was amazed at how the sense of time was so different for children; how they could talk about six months ago like it was prehistory and at the same time, resume a discussion with friends they haven't seen in a while like they have only been interrupted minutes before. It was a shame that adulthood took away that perception, because it would make for much easier relationships, and Rafael found himself wishing that his friendship with Olivia were that way: what had transpired between them be ancient history but their connection still strong even after a long time without seeing each other. But unfortunately, 'grown-up stuff' was always so much more complicated.


Because the weather was so ideal, they decided to go to the park for the rest of the afternoon, except for Fin who had to go pick up his 'not-wife' at work for a romantic dinner. Sonny and Rafael got happily caught in babysitting duty, helping the kids build a fortress in the large sandbox by the playing ground. The foundations of their construction was so grand and complex that more than a few other children of all ages and their parents soon started to gather around, and some even help.

Liv and Amanda were sitting on a nearby bench, watching them with a mix of awe and amusement.

_ This is a great vision to behold.

Liv's face seemed suddenly to be frozen, her mouth slightly open and her gaze far away. At her silence, Amanda turned her head and stared at her with a puzzled look.

_ Yeah…

She looked down and started fidgeting with the handle of her purse.

_ So why do you look so sad?

_ I'm not sad, I'm... It's just that, this doesn't feel… real.

_ What? Our children having a good time with Sonny and Barba? Looks quite real to me. Though you could argue that them attracting a crowd over a sand castle that's looking more and more like Shutter Island could be the start of a dream turning into a nightmare.

Olivia snorted, her eyes still glued to her shoes.

_ What I mean is… it looks so very domestic. Normal family outing on a sunny Saturday. But there's not much truth in that vision. It's not… real.

Amanda considered her friend with a frown, and then it dawned on her.

_ It could be.

Olivia lifted her head abruptly, her eyes wide and disbelieving.

_ Amanda… really?! A few weeks ago you were telling me that I should jump into bed with Elliot, and now you're suggesting that Rafael and I could be a family?

_ I'm not telling you anything. I'm just saying that you have options. That your visions don't have to stay visions. The only thing I would tell you though, as your friend, is that you should stop discarding things that could make you happy just because you think they can't be real for you. Your dreams and visions are not unreasonable, Liv. They're not wild. And what – or who – you have in front of you is real for the world. You just have to make them real for you too, if that's what you want.

_ Since when did you get so psych one-o-one? Applying for a coaching degree?

_ Don't snark at me when I'm trying to be a good friend. I might lose confidence in my ability for emotional support.

_ Sorry. I'm just not used to receive so wise a pep talk from you, that's all. And I might be oversensitive these days. But it looks good on you! Your relationship with Carisi seems to have centered you.

Amanda smirked, conscious that the other woman was trying to defer the conversation away from herself. Not willing to press any further, and confident that she had made her point, she decided to go along with the change of subject.

_ It looks like it, right? I feel like I'm the same but changed inside, like I don't have to bear all my past by myself, anymore. That I don't have to fight all the time, anymore. Having someone to care for you so much, so unconditionally, it's… liberating.

_ I know I've already said it but, I'm happy for you, Amanda. And I must say it's a relief to not have to worry about you running out doing crazy things anymore.

Amanda slapped her playfully on the arm.

_ Yes mom! I'm all grown-up, now! Although I wouldn't cry victory yet. You still have a teenager-to-be at home.

_ Oh my god, we have at least a decade of headaches ahead of us, don't we? When the kids will start to grow, and be horrible to us because the world is so much more interesting than their boring aging parents… Now I understand why people have children when they're still young.

_ Or why they don't make any…

_ Well, too late to go back, now. I don't think they do "satisfied or reimbursed" at the adoption agency.

_ Much less in the womb!

They burst into laughter, making a few heads turn to them, including the guys who were definitely in over their heads with the monstruous sand castle and all the little hands who wanted to put their stone to the edifice. They sent them a pleading look, but the women didn't feel very generous and decided they'd enjoy a few more minutes of freedom before extracting the men from their self-made entrapment, and dragging the kids home for an indispensable shower.


They had successfully managed to convince Noah, Jesse and Billie to leave the finishings of the fortress to other skilled builders, telling them that it was more satisfying to be the inspirators than the followers. And also that they could indulge in an ice cream so close to dinner for their trouble.

Making their way to the ice cream truck, Liv sent a meaningful look to Amanda who, getting the message, pressed Carisi and the kids ahead pretending that they had to get there before the large group of loud teenagers who was so obnoxiously going in the same direction.

Olivia fell into step with Rafael, who sent her an interrogative look. Instead of throwing what would certainly be an inane conversation starter like "how you're feeling" or "nice weather, isn't it", he opted to wait for her to say what she wanted to tell him. It took several long seconds for her to make any sound at all, though, and the nervousness that had loosened its grip on his chest went back in full force.

_ Rafa, I… I can't express how much it means to me that you came here today, despite everything that happened between us.

_ I was here for Noah. I love your son, and whatever crap is between us should never impact on him, no matter what. I'm actually berating myself everyday for having left my relationship with him fade so much these past few years, and more so these past months.

Olivia turned her face away, but not before he caught the hurt in her eyes.

_ But… I'm also glad to see you. I told you, Liv. I'm here if you want me to, whenever you want me to. And as much as it hurts, I understand why you cast me away.

_ I don't think you do.

_ You made it abundantly clear last time, though. Didn't you?

She stopped and firmly placed the tips of her fingers on his arms to force him to turn to her.

_ I was not being totally honest with you. Because I was not completely honest with myself.

He raised his eyebrows, careful to only make her see his curiosity. But in truth, his heartrate had increased worryingly. He discreetly wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans before nudging her to continue.

_ The truth is, Elliot does have something to do with all of this. Don't misunderstand, I was angry that you didn't listen when I told you not to pursue the case. But I have to admit that in any other circumstances, it wouldn't have affected my perception of you, nor our friendship.

She paused to collect her thoughts and her courage, not leaving his eyes because she needed him to understand what she was saying, as well as what she was not.

_ My relationship with Elliot is very old and complicated. We were partners for twelve years, and the bond that we built throughout all of it became so strong that he ended up being the most important person in my life. He came to be the closest I'd ever had to a family. And yes, I had feelings for him. Probably romantic, even if I never had the chance to explore on that, because he was married to a wonderful woman who I considered a friend. And then he left without any warning or goodbye. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, at the time. I felt abandoned, because not only had I lost my partner and best friend, but also the only hope to not spend the rest of my life alone. It took me a long time, but little by little I managed to rebuild myself and to consider that a future without him could be good too. I realized that with him out of the picture, I could actually take back the reins of my own life, be independent. And it helped that I had Nick, Amanda, and Fin, and later you. You all helped me become my own person, and I don't think I would have had enough bravery and love in me to adopt Noah, become a mother, if Elliot had still been around. I'm not exactly sure why, but I believe that I was waiting for something I knew deep down would not happen when he was my partner. And that hope, that fantasy, put me in a limbo, preventing me to contemplate all the options."

"Then, two years ago, he came crashing back into my life. I confronted him about the pain his leaving had put me through, and he admitted that was the only way he could hope to save his marriage and maintain an honest life. His wife was dying, and he was all but suggesting that he had loved me too much to stay. It confused me beyond imagination, and put me back years before, emotionally. It awoke feelings I thought had disappeared. And when Kathy died, I had to be here for him. For his children. I fell back into old patterns, putting his needs before mine. The difference was, that I had grown in ten years, and the voice inside my head telling me it was not healthy was louder and stronger. And I had Noah, who was now my absolute priority. So I found myself teared between him and everything that he represents, and the life I had made without him. The life in which you were."

Rafael drew in a sharp breath, bracing himself for the impact of Olivia's next words.

_ You told me years ago that I had brought colors to your life, that I had opened your heart. It touched me beyond words, and I'm sorry I never told you that. I'm also sorry that I didn't have the chance to tell you that you brought me so much yourself, that you had become a touchstone in my life. You helped me grow, Rafael. With you, I discovered that a strong bond didn't have to mean dissolving oneself into the other. It also meant that I didn't collapse when you left, because I knew that my life didn't end with you out of it. But you have to know that it still hurt. Because despite everything, I couldn't help the feeling of abandonment born of so many losses before, especially Elliot's. That's why as much as I was grateful that you kept in touch, I didn't let myself holding on to you. Instead I let our relationship slip through my fingers, even though I was missing you fiercely. It made everything more simple when Elliot came back, because I didn't have to put you in the balance. But then you came trashing our reunion in the worst way possible, and I felt trapped. So the easiest thing for me to do was to shut you out of my life completely, and you defending Kathy's killer was the perfect excuse. But then you had to come back and be who you are. You had to tear me apart with your speech about unconditional love. And you had to come and be here for my son. So now all the excuses I had come up with to keep you far away feel weak, and I am ashamed, and I don't know how to fix this. How to fix us and go forward."

Rafael was speechless. Her revelations had taken him completely off-guard, and he didn't dare interpret the subtext in fear that he wasn't able to read her as well as he used to. So instead of pressing her for more, he simply said the only thing he knew was absolutely true.

_ I love you, Liv. I always will, no matter what.

_ I know.

She grabbed his fingers and cast her eyes downward. She sighed, before staring back at him with new resolve.

_ I'm not sure of where to go from here, Rafa. I still have to make some… decisions. The only thing I know for sure is, I don't want to lose you again. So I promise that we're going to be okay.

Instead of answering, Rafael squeezed her fingers and flashed the secretive smile he reserved only for her, letting her know that he trusted her.

Suddenly realizing that they had been talking for quite a while and that the others would probably be waiting, Olivia dropped his hand and walked quickly towards her son who looked to be in a post-ice cream doze. If Amanda or Sonny had been snicking at them, they didn't show it but just announced they were quite ready to go home, offering Rafael a lift. After extended costumery goodbyes, Olivia and Noah departed on foot to catch the subway. Looking over her shoulder, she caught Rafael doing the same and they held gazes for a bit before turning back, each to their own way.

Rafael smiled.

Olivia smiled.

There are options. There is hope.