A/N: Is that really a new update ? Like, really ? From me ? Oh, yes. Yes, it is. I really didn't believe I could get this up so early, it was supposed to take a while, but lo and behold ! This makes me really proud, you know. Promising and delivering. Other than this, I don't have much to say, just that I hope you enjoy this chapter too, but the next one will have to wait a while since I am now at the end of my holidays and I won't have as much time to write up. But that's all for another time. For now, please read on !

DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Richelle Mead.


As I left the royal chambers after my meeting with the Queen, I wondered about all that I'd come to know in the last hour and a half. I had been told I was to be part of a covert mission, wherein I would be primary Guardian to Adrian, but that was just the first layer of the plan. We would be joined by another Guardian, Adrian's second one and several others who would fly with us to Russia for the duration of our stay, which could take as long as we could dedicate to the research, or as long as it took for Tatiana to convince the Council to see through a few changes in their government. Apparently, Russia was home to a lot of Moroi history spanning several centuries, which would be important for our project. We would have unlimited access to all the libraries and secret archives that were available for our culture, and we'd have to peruse through all of that to find out everything new and old we could about Spirit and the other elements. To be honest, it sounded like an extremely boring proposition, but I could do less to change it.

According to Tatiana, I was an invaluable asset for this mission because of my shadow-kissed abilities and the fact that I helped in finding the cure to restore Strigoi. There would be people available for help of any kind we could imagine being in need of, and we would have to report our progress at the end of each month, with a visit back to Court twice a year. I'd wondered idly why Lissa couldn't join me, even though I couldn't really be around her right now, until I realized that the last Dragomir disappearing off again would cause a lot of attention and problems. Even at the behest of the Queen. The security detail alone would need to be alarming; a compromising situation for a project such as this.

There were semantics yet to be taken care of, the most pressing of which was the question of who could know about our whereabouts. There were a few people in the know; the Queen having told me about a favour she called from a friend who would be the benefactor of this project, including his Guardians and staff, and the other people who would help us in our research. I wondered who these people were; they sounded like the workings of a long-established organisation. Since the mission was expected to take a few years at the minimum, Tatiana assured me I could tell my friends the truth, or at least a part of it; I could disclose to no one that I was being sent for a research project. I would have to be vague on the details of my location too, but I could confirm that I would not be guarding Lissa, instead being assigned to Adrian and leaving Court for the next few years on the pretense of him attending college. I was sure Lissa would want to know the explicit details of that aspect of things as soon as she knew, but I couldn't bear to lie to her after everything, which was why I was half-planning on chickening out altogether.

Tatiana had told me that the allocations ceremony for the newly graduated Guardians had been moved up in the light of recent events, and should I choose to accept the mission, I would be announced as absent and my cover assignment would be declared publicly, meaning Eddie and all the other Novices from my year would know about it then; the news of it reaching Lissa late enough that she would be powerless to stop me. It was an appealing turn of events, even though I was feeling horribly about leaving her abandoned once again, which was why I'd had a talk with Tatiana about the possible Guardians that I would feel secure enough leaving her in the care of. To say I was stunned when Tatiana actually agreed with my choices was another huge understatement of the millennia.

And now, as I was dragging myself towards my room once again, Ambrose having abandoned me, I thought about what I was going to do; I was going to tuck tail and run once again. There was really no better way to describe it; I could handle the situations surrounding me no more, and I had to leave. I just hoped I would be forgiven once it was time to return. And I hoped I would be forgiven for what I was about to do right now, I thought sadly as I veered towards royal housing and Adrian's room to talk to him, praying to the heavens that I wouldn't lose the one friend I had left in the chaotic ruins of my life; that after all was said and done, he could still tolerate me enough to accept me as his Guardian on this mission.

I found Adrian in his room, the place its usual mess with drink bottles littering the floor and the man himself sleep-weary and hungover; I had woken him. My guilt saw what I had done to him, my constant push and pull playing out like a movie in each emotion that I could see displayed behind his unguarded eyes. I swallowed, wondering how I could do this when I couldn't even look at him without feeling perpetually ashamed of myself. I deserved a new circle in hell for the way I'd treated him. I cleared my throat, "Adrian..." But where do I even start ?

Adrian had always been astute, tuned into auras and constantly surrounded by everyone's emotions as he was, and this was no different. One look at me, and he knew my exact reason for being there, not that the guilt I was sure to be sporting in my aura wouldn't have made for a dead give-away. And yet, he opened his door wide, inviting me in before falling back onto the couch among all the chaos, fingers already reaching for a cigarette. "You've heard about your new assignment ?" I was sure he was skirting around the main issue purposefully, but right then, I couldn't have been more grateful for the small concession. I nodded and he joked, "So now I get you all to myself, away from here and deep in the darkest corners of the largest libraries. Ah, what wonders of the world." But his tone was off, if only slightly, and I knew it was because of me. I'd ruined him, and yet, I couldn't seem to stop. A few of my earlier tears made their way down my cheeks as I regarded him with all the sincerity and love I'd ever felt towards him, "I'm sorry, Adrian." I said, choking on the lump forming in my throat, "So, so sorry. I can't possibly say that enough." I needed him to believe me; I never wanted to hurt him. He sighed.

"I know." But he offered nothing more than that, and I appreciated it was because I'd done a lot of damage and I owed him at least a proper explanation; there was none that could ease the blow, but maybe if I tried, I could make him understand what it was that had lead us to being here. He was a nice man, thoughtful and funny, and I'd have loved to have loved him like that. But he deserved better than me, better than a person who could barely ever give half of herself to him. I swallowed again, thinking of words that wouldn't make me sound like a cliched break-up rehearsal as I looked back into his eyes. "I never meant for everything to turn out this way." I started. "You've been the most wonderful person to me, and I love you, possibly much more than you could ever know, but..." I swallowed, hating all the 'buts' in my life, "I can't keep lying to you. It isn't fair." I could see Adrian opening his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. "Please, let me say this." At his silence, I continued.

"When I came back from Russia, I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I wanted a friend, a comfort I couldn't find anywhere else except for you; I realise now that it was extremely selfish of me, still is, in some way, but I couldn't let go of the small piece of sanity I had left in me. You grounded me to my reality," Adrian's lips twisted sardonically, but he said nothing, and yet, the irony of my words wasn't lost on me. "You deserve so much better, but you were so considerate, and so heartfelt after my return that I couldn't help but envelop myself in that warmth after all the coldness. I thought that if I tried, just let myself feel, I could grow to fall in love with you." I laughed then, a bitter sound that carried all my guilt and sadness in its short rasp. "But that's where I went wrong. Love isn't meant to happen because you tried for it. I couldn't do it, and I suppose I should have confided all of that to you then, but I just couldn't. Whenever I talked myself up to it, I pictured your face and the fact of how I couldn't bear to lose you, and I..." I sighed, twisting my fingers in the folds of my Guardian uniform. "I kept chickening out." There was an unbearable lump forming in my throat. "Then everything with the cure happened and I..." I stopped, not being able to carry on, "I never thought it could be real." I confessed, finally breaking down and admitting something I'd been carrying as my greatest fear.

A sob escaped me, "Even after all the effort and everything we'd already done, I couldn't bring myself to believe there could be something as miraculous as this; that there could still be hope." Why was I doing this now ? What right had I to unload this on Adrian once again, especially when I had decided I was going to end this, right here ? But words spilled from me like a storm I couldn't battle against. "And you...you were always there, like the blanket of comfort and reassurance I needed at all the right times." I wrapped my arms around myself to avoid myself from falling apart physically as well, "I love you, Adrian; you are one of the best people I know, but you are also my crutch. I didn't want to let you go, because I knew you were the only tether I had left." I gulped, another bout of tears tracking down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry." That was really all I could say; I hadn't meant to talk so much, but I needed him to understand. I looked up at Adrian, finding him looking back at me with a strange expression.

"So, what changed ?" He asked, and I couldn't help but grimace wryly. "A new mission." I replied. "I meant to talk to you after Church today, apologize and hash everything out, but Tatiana called me in, and I realized I didn't want to start another phase of my life by dragging a long-gone past with me." I explained. "I want you to know that you mean a lot to me, but I can't do this anymore. I wanted to give you the option to replace me as your Guardian on the mission; I can't imagine you wanting to be around me after today." My words trailed off into a helpless shrug. Now that I'd actually said everything I came here to say, I didn't know what to do with myself, and Adrian's silence was starting to scare me.

Adrian sighed. "Do you not want to be around me anymore at all ?" He asked. I shook my head. "As cliché as that sounds, I want us to remain friends. I really don't want to lose you, but I also need to do the honorable thing here." I gestured between us. Adrian nodded, then raked a hand through his hair. "I want to be angry at you, you know." He said. "I want to feel like hurting you as much as you can understand you hurt me." I winced at that; it was only too true. "But I can't." He chuckled sardonically. "I guess, I really do understand all of that." He turned sad then, "But you have to understand I need some time too." And I nodded, because I could understand that. I was only expecting his anger more than his resigned acceptance. "I don't want another Guardian because I know how much you need a break from this place." He continued, and I couldn't believe he was still thinking about me. I opened my mouth to say something, but got cut off. "We both need the distance, don't you think ?" He asked, and I smiled wryly, drying my tears.

"Distance away, in the same place. Would it be a good idea ?" I asked, and Adrian smiled back at me sadly. "Hardly." He replied, as I got up, realizing I'd tortured him enough for one day. Moving to hug him, I whispered my apologies once again as he held me close to him for the last time, and then let go. I could feel a goodbye in his actions, however reluctant; it was like he'd finally accepted he had to let me go. I knew the hurt would take some time, and our friendship would most likely be affected, but I hadn't completely lost Adrian, and that was the best I could have hoped for. At the very least, my steps had a relief, and my heart a shred of honour left in them as I left royal housing, walking towards a new tomorrow.


Phew, that needed to be tackled. Do drop me a few words in the review section. They keep me encouraged and motivated. See you, then !

X

Ahluwalia Kaur