A/N: Well, well. Another quick update ? I'm on a roll ! But all of this is only because of all of you. You people are great, the most wonderful audience and the most perfect reviewers who let me know just how you like where the story is heading, and I couldn't be more grateful. So this chapter is a special thank you to all the people who gave me reason to believe this story became as close to their hearts as it is to mine. Thank you so so so much. I've tried to justify the characters as much as possible, and you've let me know I've succeeded, at least till now. So, do keep me in line with what I made you feel for this chapter. And so, without further ado, see you at the bottom !
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Richelle Mead, no copyright infringement intended.
The assignment got delayed a few days. A realistic part of me knew it had to do with the finer details that had yet to be seamlessly set into place for our arrival at the house in Russia, but an irrational part of me couldn't help but worry that it was Adrian who'd asked for a few days more. I knew I would be on duty as his primary Guardian starting the day we left Court, and I imagined Adrian wanting a few days to himself before he had to resign himself to my company; I hadn't seen him since the day we'd talked and broken up. He'd said he still wanted me as his Guardian, which was an immense relief, but it also drove me crazy with the guilt the way I constantly seemed to be a source of pain to him. I shook my head. This was for the best; I didn't need to be causing him more pain by stringing him along. He would move on, maybe not immediately, but there would come a time when he found the perfect person for him, and I'd be right there to share in his happiness at simply belonging to someone, for he deserved no less.
I sighed; I seemed to be doing that a lot lately, and thought over everything once again. It was a wonder how life could change at a moment's notice; I seemed to be getting a roller coaster ride of it. I was so tired of all this, of all the ache that seemed to be an exclusive part of my soul, so intense I could feel it like dull lead in the deep set of my bones. My stomach hurt from all the needles poking me from the inside the each time I took a breath, my throat rough and swollen from the tears that refused to stop.
Love fades. Mine has.
I groaned hoarsely as the words reminded me of my torturous predicament. The words that played in a constant loop in my head, "I've given up on you." They reminded me so much of what I'd always feared, what I'd always known would be the end of everything between us, because it was what I'd always known. My mother had given up on me, even when I couldn't have known or done any better, for I was just a child, a mere baby when she'd left me to the care of the Academy; my father, my teachers, Kirova, everyone I'd ever known had ended up giving up on me at some point. Only Alberta, and maybe the Belikova women, were people who didn't reach that point, except Alberta would be disappointed when she heard I wasn't assigned to Lissa, if she managed to overlook my irresponsibility in dragging the Dragomir Princess to Vegas without proper protocol and protection, and Victoria already hated me. I sighed again.
What was I doing ? There were thoughts and voices in my head, talking at a million miles per hour, why was I letting them get to me ? Okay, so Dimitri didn't want me anymore; I swallowed the heavy lump in my throat, but that didn't mean it was the end of the world, right ? I mean, there was a time when I thought he was dead, I had killed him, and I was prepared to live with that fact for the rest of my life, because it was Lissa I would be living for. I knew on that bridge, in the middle of Novosibirsk, Russia, that I would never live and love for myself again. I had killed myself on that bridge, right along with Dimitri, so all I had to do now was kill myself again, kill myself before this pain got to be too much, after all, what was that Lissa used to say ? Physical pain to numb out the one you couldn't reach. It was supposed to give you control. Yes. That's what I should do. That's what I have to do.
A new purpose drove me to get up from the floor I'd somehow ended up on and move into the en suite, the first-aid kit calling my name. The blade was sharp, but alluring in a way that only something deadly can be. How curious, the way something so small could destroy so much; I followed the thin trail of crimson that flowed down my wrist as I drew the blade along my arm. Once. Twice. Three times. And then again, because three time's a charm. Three. Three. Three. The cuts became deeper with each time, allowing that constant ache to flow down the drain, as easy as water; a subtle smile graced my lips as my eyes drooped, heavy with sleep. It felt so good, the floor was so comfortable, the pain gone for once, and everything so very far away from me. I could sleep, there would be no nightmares, and I could stop, I could rest. So peaceful, I thought as I closed my eyes. How I wish it was for the final time.
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I woke to the sound of a constant beep, a heavy weight in my limbs, and the drowsy blur of sedatives in place of my vision. There was a familiar scent in the air, one I couldn't quite put my finger on, at least until a twitch in my hand pulled on the drip in my arm. I was in the infirmary. But, how ? I remembered being in my room, and the...
Images flashed in my head, reminding me of the cold feel of the tiles in the bathroom, the burn of the cuts made from the blade, and the crimson trail the blood left as it flowed down the drain. I must have passed out, but how did I end up here ? Panic seized my heart as I realized the infirmary meant someone had come across me in that state; someone had seen me at my most vulnerable, and there would be someone demanding answers from me the moment they came through the door. I couldn't stop the earlier beeps, which I now realized were the heart monitor, from jumping and going crazy as my mind raced. I was soon engulfed by a hoard of nurses, talking all at once. I looked around, not recognizing the sea of faces around me, as each demanded for a piece of my attention, before a prick sent liquid haze through my body once again. I hated feeling so sluggish; my body going slowly out of control and my movements halting their wild thrashing as the tranquilizer pulled me under once again. Was this how it was going to be ? I now had to be tranquilized, put down, sedated, like a rabid animal ?
My barely-conscious inner self smiled a little as I realized those were the thoughts I had in my head the first time I met Dimitri; that he was trying to placate me like I was a rabid animal. Then I lamented the fact that I couldn't even escape him in drug-induced sleep.
.
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The next time I woke up more slowly; even sedated, I now knew I was in the infirmary, and that I had to be calm if I wanted to keep awake. What was it with doctors and drugs, I wondered again as I took inventory of my body with my eyes still closed. Distant whispers floated through my brain, causing me to tilt my head a little sideways to hear better. My Dhampir senses allowed for snippets to be heard from the conversation taking place, I imagined, in the far corner of my room.
"...found her...don't know...bleeding...meeting...gone..." Words that seemed to be connected somehow, but I couldn't gather enough of it to understand before they, for it was more than one voice, noticed I was starting to stir from the damned monitor. All conversation stopped and feet shuffled closer to the bed before I heard a careful, "Rose ?" come from Eddie's mouth. I swallowed; as much as I wanted to talk to Eddie, I didn't want for it to come about this way. What would I say to him ? What could I ? This made everything all the worse; why did he have to be the one who found me ? How did he find me, anyway ?
No longer able to fake unconsciousness, I slowly opened my eyes, trying not to look at the ones I knew would be watching me intently, in vain. I collided with his gaze, and promptly wanted to break down into a mess of tears and apologies, for there is nothing more moving than the first breath of relief that can be seen in the haunted eyes of a person who truly loves you, and has been scared for you. I swallowed again, "Ed-" my voice cracked, "Eddie." I whispered.
Eyes falling closed, he breathed out a long sigh. "Thank God. I thought I was too late." He whispered back at me, his golden gaze settling over me in part relief and part concern...and, was that protectiveness ? I swallowed, my throat parched, when a glass of water appeared in front of me, but it wasn't Eddie who'd offered it up. Following the arm that held the glass, my eyes screeched to a halt at meeting with ice-blue ones. Now, there had been a lot of times, especially since Spokane, where I'd had occasion to see his softer, friendlier, concerned side, but never had I ever thought I'd encounter one scared Christian Ozera, his eyes alight with a warily masked fear. Fear for me, I realised. My mind raced, taking my heart along the way, and the monitor jumped, turning my cheeks into a shade of pink and inciting a smirk from Christian, who suddenly seemed back to his normal self. "You sleep like the dead, Hathaway." He said, but I could see the relief that he, too, displayed at seeing me alive and breathing. I laughed lightly, my mind realising I now had two people I needed to answer to, two people who had found me lying on the floor of my bathroom, blood weeping from the cuts I'd made all along my arm. The thought had me feeling the dull throb in said arm and I looked down to discover it wrapped in bandages.
I looked back at the two people I considered brothers, not that I'd let Christian know that, swallowing the lump that was back in my throat again. I singled Christian out, "Lissa ?" I asked, knowing he'd know what I was asking. I did not want her to know about this, not if I could help it. He shook his head. I sighed in relief. That was one problem solved. Selfish as it was, I was glad they hadn't yet reconciled, because if they had, there would be nothing stopping Christian from bringing in the cavalry that was Vasilisa Dragomir.
"Now, are you ready to tell us what happened with you ?" Eddie asked. "Besides the obvious." He said, glancing at the bandages on my arm. Shame coursed through me as I realised what it looked like. It wasn't that I was planning on ending my life, I just wanted to not feel, at least for a while. But how do I explain that, without sounding like Lissa way back when. I know Christian's apprehension was because this looked exactly like Lissa's depression used to, only I was different. I was stronger, better at handling my emotions, better at coping with the negativity caused by the darkness that drove Lissa to cut herself. Right ? So, how did I explain this ? I swallowed.
"I'm sorry." I said, after the longest while, both my friends waiting patiently for me to open up, though this was not the time nor the place. "It was all just too much, the magic, the darkness..." I said, which wasn't really true, because it was me, and my broken heart's troubles with Dimitri's words, not just the darkness alone, that had a hand in my downwards spiral. I wanted to escape his words, and the way they made me feel, for just a little while. "Lissa's been practicing, and the restoration took a lot, so the emotions have been volatile." I reasoned. Both Eddie and Christian looked at me with comprehension in their eyes, although, there was something in Eddie's that-
"So this had nothing to do with Belikov and your spat in the Church yesterday ?" -made me think he suspected otherwise. Of course. He was there. I sighed, averting my eyes. "I know what you're going to say." I swallowed, working past the lump in my throat. "I should leave him alone. He needs time, and I keep pressurizing him. I know, alright. I just- I needed to see him, thought if I could just get to him, he would see everything was alright, and my world would right itself." I shook my head, looking down. This was taking a lot for me to say. Eddie's hand found my own, drip and all, and squeezed reassurance.
"I was going to say it's not okay, Rose." Eddie sighed too. "It isn't ideal, he shouldn't push you away, you shouldn't have to keep dragging yourself through the dirt for him, and you sure as hell shouldn't feel like ending your life because of him." He rubbed the hand he was holding, really reminding me of the elder brother I'd never had. It'd have been so easy, so easy if I could actually have had someone tell me that earlier, only now it was too late. It was now physically impossible for me to even think of myself before any of my loved ones, for I'd always put Lissa first, until Dimitri, when he'd come to be the one who came first for me, in everything. So no, my life meant little, because I wasn't Lissa, my best friend and charge or Dimitri, the love of my life. My life wasn't worth as much as theirs. My happiness didn't matter as much as theirs, which was why I had walked away from Dimitri in the church, because if I couldn't make him happy, if I only reminded him of his Strigoi days, I had no right to be in his life anymore. He'd already been through so much, how could I put him through any more torture ? It just hurt worse every time he infiltrated my thoughts, sending any and all progress I thought I had made, down the drain. I began shaking, little tremors at first that spread from my hands, through my arms, up to my shoulders until my whole body was wracked with violent convulsions. I could hear Eddie and Christian shouting, unintelligibly, though it must have been my name or something, Christian holding me immobile by the shoulders, presumably trying to stop my quivering, in vain, as my eyes bounced all along the room, not really seeing anything and comprehending even less, despite their rounded and widened nature. I opened my mouth to speak, or scream, I don't know, but no words would come, and it made me panic that much more, before I felt the familiar folds of the shadows in my periphery, always waiting, counting on my return every moment of my life.
...And here we are. So, thoughts ? Did I move you yet ? Let me know in the reviews with all your love and thoughts. Caio, good people, and until next time.
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Ahluwalia Kaur
