Chapter 22: Elegy
Sihtric frowned and shook his head. He leaned closer over the man's shoulder and pointed at the bowl. "Fin, you are not mixing it right!" He snapped. "Give it to me!" He attempted to grab the bowl from the man.
"No!" The Irishman shook his head and batted the boy's hands away. He leaned back and held the bowl out of the boy's reach. "Tell me 'ow t' do it an' I'll do it but ye ain't touching it! No one is! I'm doing this fer ye!"
Sihtric rolled his eyes but he smiled and nodded and settled back down beside Finan. "Okay, fine. We have enough herbs. Throw that in the fire and we'll start again."
Finan nodded and leaned closer to the fire. He held the bowl out and dumped its contents into the flames. "Start at the beginnin', boy. An' go slow."
Night had fallen and they were all finally sitting down to rest. They'd cleared the bodies from the fortress and dragged them outside. Tomorrow they would start the task of burying the dead but for now, at least their sight and smell wouldn't bother them for the night. They'd also either killed everyone who refused to bend to Ragnar's rule or gave them the chance to leave. In the end, it was only a handful who gave them trouble. Kjartan didn't have many real loyal followers. Most were happy to just stay and continue on with their lives. And most had grown tired of the man's tyranny anyways and were happy for a new ruler. They had sent a few of Guthred's men back to his army to spread the news that Dunholm had been taken and would now be under Ragnar's rule. The rest they let remain to help clear the place.
Uhtred sat across the fire from Finan and Sihtric. He listened to them bicker about the poultice and smiled. Watching them so carefree and childish after everything that had happened in the last couple days warmed his heart. His eyes roamed over his puppy for a moment and the boy looked better. After his bath, Finan had braided his hair and he had fallen asleep in the chair. Finan had helped Uhtred finish cleaning the boy's leather and clothes and they cleaned up their mess. Then Finan picked Sihtric up and they found a room with a rather large bed. Finan put the still sleeping younger man down and shook his head. Uhtred smiled as he'd hung the boy's clothes up to dry. Then the two left silently to let the boy sleep and to help Ragnar.
Uhtred smiled as he watched the boy leaning over Finan again, pointing at the various herbs the older man was holding. He leaned back a little as he continued watching them for a moment longer. Then his gaze shifted. Thyra and Hild sat to their right. Thyra seemed to take Sihtric's words to heart when he told her to stick close to the nun and he hoped Hild didn't mind. But he saw the smile on Thyra's face as they leaned together and shared words and Uhtred couldn't help but smile at them. Clapa sat beside Finan and was laughing loudly as the Little Leprechaun and Little Bug, as he called them affectionately, continued to bicker over how Finan was still mixing it wrong. Father Beocca sat beside Clapa and he was just staring at the fire, his face a blank expression that Uhtred couldn't read. Uhtred's eyes settled on him and he was about to ask what was wrong when another presence joined them.
Ragnar sank down heavily beside Uhtred, not saying anything. He leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees. He'd attempted to wash, most of the blood was gone from his face and armor. Some still streaked his hair and dotted his neck. He sighed deeply and stared at the fire, looking completely exhausted.
Uhtred leaned closer to him and touched a hand to his knee lightly. "Brother, are you alright?" He asked softly. Ragnar nodded his head and didn't answer otherwise. Uhtred tilted his head and continued watching his brother. "I have not seen you fight like that before." He prompted, trying to get the man to engage.
Ragnar lifted his eyes to Uhtred. They were wide and full of fear. He didn't like the man he became in that fight. He swallowed and looked down at his hands in his lap. He turned them over and stared at his palms. "That… that wasn't…" He shook his head and breathed out as he clenched his fists. "That wasn't me…" He said softly. "I don't know what that was… killing him… it wasn't enough… nothing will ever be enough."
"It's done." Uhtred said softly, leaning even closer. "We've avenged them. We've honored them. They can rest in peace now."
Ragnar nodded again slowly and breathed out a shaky breath. He turned to Uhtred again. "What… what now?" He asked softly, sounding almost lost, like he no longer had a purpose. The last decade of his life had been anchored towards one goal; killing Kjartan. Now that he'd done that, he wasn't exactly sure what the next step in his life should be. "Bebbanburg?"
Uhtred leaned back and sighed. He glanced across the fire to where Sihtric was still attempting to grab the mixing bowl from Finan and he couldn't help the smile on his face. He longed to walk through the gates of Bebbanburg with them, to show them where he was born and where he belonged, where they belonged with him. But he knew they needed to rest. Sihtric most of all but Uhtred knew he and Finan needed some time as well. It still hadn't been that long ago that they were slaves and he wasn't too proud to admit he needed time. He looked back at Ragnar and shook his head. "Wessex." He sighed deeply. "It must be Wessex or I'm sure Steapa will have orders to kill me." He sighed and shook his head. "I need peace for a time." He glanced back across the fire and smiled. "I need my boys."
Ragnar smiled and chuckled softly. "Peace sounds nice." He agreed and nodded. Then his eyes flitted across the fire as well, settling on another. "What of Thyra?" He asked softly.
Uhtred breathed out and sighed. "Whatever else… she is safe now. Hopefully with time… she will recover more than just her physical health."
Ragnar nodded slowly. "We owe it to our family to do what we can for her."
"We owe it to her." Uhtred added and stifled a sudden yawn. He shook his head and blinked as he ran a hand over his face. He hadn't realized exactly how exhausted he was until he sat down.
Ragnar smiled and clapped Uhtred on the shoulder. "I think you are right, brother." He said, his voice louder. "It is time for bed. It has been a trying couple days."
Uhtred smiled as he glanced around the circle. "Couple months, I'd say."
"Years." Finan added stiffly as he stirred the poultice.
Uhtred nodded and stood up. He yawned again and stretched his arms above his head for a moment. Then he turned and looked at his sister. "Thyra, will you be okay?" He asked, stepping closer to her.
Thyra glanced up at him and nodded. "I will, brother."
"I… will look after her…" Hild said slowly as she looked up at Uhtred.
Uhtred wanted to question Hild and ask her if she minded the way his sister was latched onto her arm. But Thyra was pressed rather close to her and Hild didn't exactly look upset because of it. She looked more like a weird combination of confusion and amusement. He would have to find her tomorrow and get her alone to ask her what she really thought about Thyra attaching herself. He smiled at them and nodded. "I will see you both tomorrow then. Sleep well."
Finan and Sihtric rose together, said a few quick goodnights, and were already walking away from the fire when Uhtred finished with Hild and Thyra. He quickly ran to catch up with them and fell in behind silently. When Sihtric had woken up in the room alone earlier, he sought them out. Together, they returned to the room long enough to clear it out and claim it as theirs as long as they stayed. Finan opened the door and held it open as Sihtric and Uhtred stepped in. Then he shut the door behind them. There was a candle flickering in the corner and it lit the room in a low light.
Uhtred was exhausted from head to toe. He immediately walked towards the bed and started working at removing his armor. Sihtric followed and reached to help him without words. Uhtred smiled as he felt the boy's fingers on him. He moved his own fingers to Sihtric's stolen clothes and started fingering his shirt. Finan set the bowl of poultice down on the table beside the candle and then rounded the bed to join the other two. Uhtred was the first to pull off his armor. He dropped it on the floor and resumed pulling the boy's shirt off. Then it was Finan's turn and both turned towards him.
Once Uhtred and Finan were rid of their leathers, Uhtred quickly pulled his shirt off and grabbed Finan. He pulled the older man against him and kissed him. Finan let out a growl and kissed him back, biting and licking his way into their Lord's mouth. Sihtric moved closer and grabbed at the hem of Finan's undershirt. Finan pulled away from Uhtred and bent forward enough to let the boy pull his shirt off. Then Uhtred turned towards Sihtric and Finan walked around the bed to grab the poultice again. Uhtred smirked as he stepped closer to Sihtric and turned him towards the bed. He leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Sihtric's lips as he guided him back towards the bed.
"Sit." Uhtred said as he touched the boy's chest, above his bruise. Sihtric swallowed and nodded his head. He stepped back until the back of his legs touched the bed. He sat down and looked up at Uhtred. The Lord smiled and knelt down. He grabbed Sihtric's foot and started pulling his boots off. When he finished, he stood back up. He leaned closer and reached around to grab Sihtric's hair. The boy's braided locks were still damp from his bath earlier. Uhtred quickly pulled the tethers free and Sihtric smiled and shook his head, letting his hair fall around him.
"Oy!" Finan snapped as he watched. "I jus' fixed 'is hair!"
Uhtred laughed and shrugged. "You'll just have to do it again, Fin." He glanced over at Finan and smirked. "You can braid mine, too. It's been a long time since the last time."
Finan's eyes darkened for a moment and he nodded his head.
Uhtred smirked again as he turned his attention back on his puppy and he let his fingers brush against the boy's jaw line. "Lie down." He commanded. "On your back, in the center of the bed."
Finan had taken off his own shoes and was climbing on the bed. He stretched out on the left side of the bed and set the bowl of poultice down beside him. Sihtric glanced over his shoulder and Finan patted the bed beside him.
Sihtric sucked in a breath and nodded. He pulled his legs up on the bed and scooted back. He flinched a little as moved and breathed out. He settled down in the center beside Finan and breathed out. "Hi." He said softly, looking up at the Irishman.
Finan smiled down at him as he grabbed the bowl. "Hey pretty."
Sihtric smiled and blushed. Uhtred quickly kicked off his shoes and bounced onto the bed. He crawled as close to Sihtric as he could and flopped on his stomach. He pressed a kiss to the boy's shoulder and smiled when the boy looked at him. Sihtric let out a giggle at the way the Lord's eyes pierced him and he looked away. But then Finan was leaning closer and staring at him as well and could feel his blush darkening.
"So… jus'… rub it?" The Irishman asked, tilting his head. "The uh… the stuff…" He added, lifting the bowl.
Sihtric giggled and nodded, his nose wrinkling. "Gently and slowly rub it into the bruises." He said softly.
Uhtred lifted his head from the boy's shoulder and watched Finan's movements. "Will it hurt?"
Sihtric sucked in a breath and nodded. "It will. But it'll be better in the long run." He mused and paused as something he forgot came to mind. "We will need something to put over it though… when Finan is done."
Uhtred pushed himself further off the bed and raised an eyebrow at the boy. "Boy, I am exhausted. I don't think I can move. You couldn't have said that before we got into bed?"
Sihtric's blush, a permanent fixture of his skin it seemed, darkened a bit and he looked away. "You uh… you distracted me." He admitted softly. "I am not at fault."
"Boy, you best not be blaming me." Uhtred said but there was no venom in his words. Instead, he smiled and rolled over on the obscenely large bed. It was the reason they had stolen the room for the time being, big enough to comfortably fit all of them. They hadn't had the luxury of sleeping in a bed together yet and Uhtred was insistent they get the chance. And he was making sure they got the sleep they all deserved. He knew the measly hour or two the boy got earlier was nowhere near enough for the young man. He rolled over to the edge and leaned over. He grabbed the edge of the thin linen sheet that spanned the bed beneath them. He pulled the corner up and started tearing it.
Sihtric watched their Lord's back curiously, letting his eyes roam over the scarred muscles. He felt a pang of grief blossom in his chest at the number and intensity of those scars but he quickly reminded himself that they looked better than when he first saw them. Most had faded even more, signs that his Lord had healed. His attention was pulled away when he heard the first rip of cloth. "Lord!" He snapped indignantly. "What are you doing?"
Uhtred giggled and rolled back over, pulling the large torn section of cloth with him. "You said we needed something to cover you with."
Sihtric gasped rather dramatically for the occasion. "You didn't have to tear the sheet!"
Uhtred giggled again and moved closer to the boy once more. "Don't worry, baby boy." He touched his lips to Sihtric's shoulder again. "This room is ours for the moment. Whoever it belonged to is either dead or gone. We can tear the whole place apart if we want."
"Please don't." The boy whined.
Finan let out a grunt and nodded. "Need t' sleep." He mumbled as he sat up and moved closer to Sihtric. He held up the bowl and leaned over him. He dipped his fingers into the weird goop and then brought it to the boy's stomach. Sihtric sucked in a breath when Finan's fingers touched his skin. Finan's touch was slow and gentle as he rubbed the poultice over the wrongly colored skin.
Uhtred kissed the boy's shoulder again. Then he pulled himself closer and placed another kiss higher. He continued, moving up until his lips brushed the juncture where Sihtric's neck met his shoulder. He felt Sihtric breathe out and it sounded less pained and Uhtred smiled against his skin. He continued peppering sweet and gentle kisses to the boy's skin as Finan worked the poultice over the large bruise. Then Uhtred touched his lips to the boy's neck, just below the darkened bruise and Sihtric moaned. Uhtred chuckled against him and opened his mouth. He touched his tongue gently to Sihtric's neck and licked a slow line up to the boy's ear. Then he pulled away just to lick the boy's neck again.
Sihtric's eyes were closed. He tilted his head to the side, giving his Lord more skin to cover in kisses and licks. Every swipe of that tongue was slowly driving him crazy. Then he felt Uhtred's hair fall against his shoulder and he shivered. He lifted his arm from the bed and tangled his fingers in those stray locks as much as he could. He opened his mouth and licked his lips slowly as another moan rose from his throat. "Lord…"
Uhtred pulled away from the boy's neck and clicked his tongue softly. He touched his lips to Sihtric's ear instead. "Bad boy." He whispered, touching his lips against the boy's ear.
Sihtric moaned again and pulled on Uhtred's hair tighter. "Uhtred!" He gasped.
Uhtred smiled against the boy's ear and licked him. "That's better, my good boy."
"Uhtred!" Finan growled their Lord's name. He dipped his fingers into the bowl again and continued spreading the poultice up the boy's stomach.
Uhtred giggled and pulled away. He glanced at Finan and smirked obscenely as he licked at the boy's skin again, keeping his eyes on Finan's. "Ours."
Finan nodded, placated, and pulled his fingers away from the boy's skin. "Okay. Is that 'nough?"
Uhtred pulled away from Sihtric again to look. He shrugged, not really having any idea. "Don't ask me."
Finan raised an eyebrow and stared at him. "I wasn't askin' ye." Uhtred stuck out his tongue in answer before he returned to the boy's shoulder.
Sihtric was a breathless mess at that point. He gasped, his chest heaving, as he tried to process Finan's words. He thought they were directed at him but he wasn't entirely sure. And then Finan chuckled, watching him, and the boy was certain the question was directed at him. He let out a soft, breathy moan and tried to lift his head enough to look down. But his eyes were having just as much trouble trying to focus as his mind. He bit his lip and nodded as he laid back down. "Yes." He panted for a moment and nodded again. "Cover… it…" He breathed out.
Uhtred rolled on his side more so he could lift the sheet. He laid most of it across Sihtric and Finan helped and tucked his side under the boy. Uhtred nodded and worked at tearing more of the cloth away before tucking his side in as well. "Do his neck, Fin."
Sihtric's mind clouded with lust and he wanted to say no, they should leave his neck as is. He knew in the back of his mind that the poultice would help but he really wanted his Lord to keep kissing and licking him, just as much as he wanted Finan's hands still on him. He bit his lip and shook his head. "No. It's fine." He managed to get out, his voice shaking a bit.
Uhtred raised an eyebrow as he exchanged a quick look with Finan. He pulled away and shook his head. "Sihtric…" He said the boy's name softly and tilted his head. "We aren't going any further tonight. I am sorry if you expected otherwise. I promise, I was only trying to distract you from the pain."
Finan nodded. "Aye. We don't want t' hurt ye. We will wait until ye are fully 'ealed."
Sihtric's eyes widened and he grabbed each of their arms. He dug his fingers into their skin and shook his head. "But…" He bit his lip. He needed to repay them, to show them he was grateful that they came back for him, that they saved him and cared for him. It was what he was good at and he needed to do it.
Uhtred smiled and shook his head. "Sweetheart, you aren't even hard." He brought his hand to Sihtric's crotch and squeezed the boy through his pants.
Sihtric's eyes widened and he blushed in embarrassment. He sucked in a breath and shook his head. "But… I… I have to…" He trailed off and bit his lip.
Finan frowned and leaned closer. "Have t' what?"
Sihtric whined and tightened his grip on both their arms until his knuckles turned white. "I have to take care of you…" He said softly.
Uhtred smiled and shook his head. He leaned over the boy and kissed his forehead, touching his lips to that freckle right in the center. "Fucking Hel, baby boy. You're so fucking hot right now and if you weren't hurt, I would let you do whatever you wanted to me but we are fine right now. I promise you." Sihtric pulled his hands away and tried to wrap both arms around Uhtred to keep him from moving away but the Lord just laughed and detached the boy. "Also, I am exhausted. I don't even think I could get it up. Honestly, Sitty, I really just want to sleep, on this bed, with you between me and Finan."
Sihtric opened his mouth. "But…"
Uhtred shook his head and touched his finger to the boy's lips. "No. Sleep. It has been a trying few days for all of us. We need to rest."
Sihtric bit his lip and whined again but he nodded. "Okay, Lord." He sighed, giving in.
Uhtred glanced over his shoulder at the silent Finan and tilted his head curiously. "Fin? What's the look for?"
Finan had watched their interaction with a concerned expression but he didn't say anything. He looked at Uhtred when the man turned towards him and he shook his head. He leaned back a little and shrugged. "Nothing… jus' tired." He lied and averted his gaze.
Uhtred held out his hand towards him. "Then give me the stuff and I'll finish."
Finan snapped his gaze back to Uhtred and he shook his head. He narrowed his eyes and let out a growl. "No! I'm doin' it!"
Uhtred smiled and nodded. "Okay then. You do it." He laid down beside Sihtric again and grabbed the boy's hand. He laced their fingers together and brought their joined hands to his lips. He kissed Sihtric's knuckles and smiled against his skin.
Finan leaned over Sihtric again. His touch was even slower and gentler that time as he rubbed the poultice into the sickening looking bruises on the boy's pale and delicate looking neck. He sucked in a quick and sharp breath as he worked. The bruise on the boy's torso was bad enough but seeing the finger marks on his neck brought Finan to the very close reality of how close they came to losing him. There was that fear in the back of his mind the moment he saw that blood stain on the rock. But he'd tried to stay positive, for Uhtred and himself both. But to know that seconds before they stormed the castle Kjartan had nearly killed Sihtric was like a knife to his heart. If they had been a second later, if Kjartan had squeezed a little tighter, if the guard hadn't interrupted at the right moment… there were a million things that could have gone wrong and Sihtric would be dead. Their boy would be dead. And Finan couldn't help the tremble that wracked him as he blinked away tears and tried to get control of himself.
Sihtric pulled his attention away from the way Uhtred was still kissing his fingers and rubbing against his side. He felt the tremble in Finan's fingers against his skin and he looked at the man. And his eyes widened. "Fin!" He lifted his other hand to the man's cheek. There were tears in those normally strong and fearless warm brown eyes.
Uhtred shifted his attention to their Irishman as well and he gasped. He sat up quickly and reached to touch his face as well. "Finan, what's wrong?"
Finan swallowed and blinked. He shifted his gaze to Uhtred and stared at him for a moment. "What's wrong? Seriously?" He snapped. "Uhtred, we almost lost 'im! Do ye see how dark 'is neck is? One second later an' we'd be buryin' 'im wit' the rest tomorrow."
Sihtric breathed out. He slid his fingers from Finan's cheek to the back of his neck. His touch was light, tentative and timid as he grabbed the man's neck. He licked his lips and opened his mouth slowly. "Fin… I… I'm okay. I won't lie… I thought I was going to die for a moment… but I didn't. You saved me. Both of you."
Uhtred pulled his hand away and leaned back against Sihtric's shoulder. He kept himself within reaching distance just in case Finan needed him but at that moment, Uhtred thought he needed their boy more. And Uhtred understood that.
Finan didn't move, having the boy touch him helped him, grounded him, made him feel like the moment was real. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed out. Then he opened his eyes and looked away. He wanted to say it, he felt like he needed to. But he still wasn't sure if their boy could take it. But the words were on the tip of his tongue and he bit it against blurting them right out. He swallowed and opened his mouth. "Won't say it." He mumbled, his mind settling on a half truth. "I don't think yer ready t' 'ear it. But it's in me 'ead an' in my 'eart an' I canne lose you. I need ye, jus' like I need Uhtred. Jus' as much an' I canne explain it but I need ye."
Sihtric gasped and stopped breathing all together. His head started to spin as Finan's meaning sunk in and he shook his head. He gasped again and clutched at Uhtred beside him as his chest started to burn. Because there was no way Finan had just said that to him. Or didn't say it. Because there was no way this perfect warrior of a man, this handsome, strong, fearless man that was crying for him could… Sihtric couldn't even process the word in his head.
Uhtred's eyes widened as he looked down at Sihtric. He released the boy's hand finally and brought it to Sihtric's chest. He splayed his fingers out and touched them to the boy's skin. "Breathe, baby boy. Focus on me for a moment, forget about Finan. Look at me." Sihtric didn't react and Uhtred leaned closer and pressed against his chest harder, careful not to touch the bruise. "Sihtric, look at me." He repeated.
Sihtric nodded and turned. He gasped again as he met Uhtred's eyes. His Lord smiled at him, touched his face, and those bright blue eyes sparkled down at him. He clutched harder at Uhtred and never wanted to let go.
"Good boy." Uhtred nodded his head and leaned closer. "Listen to me. Are you listening, baby boy?" Sihtric nodded and Uhtred smiled again. "Good. Forget what Finan just said. Or… what he didn't say." Sihtric opened his mouth but nothing came out. He shook his head and tried to look at Finan but Uhtred clicked his tongue and grabbed Sihtric's chin, stopping him. "Focus on me and do as I say. Don't look away from me. Fin, tell him." He reached behind him towards Finan and the Irishman grabbed his hand.
Finan swallowed and felt his chest tighten, both at the idea of taking it back and at the boy's reaction. "Uhtred…"
"Fin!" Uhtred snapped, leaning away from Sihtric. He didn't break eye contact with the boy but he pulled Finan closer and tightened his grip on the man's hand. "He can't handle it right now. He's panicking." He said softly.
Finan sighed and looked away. He nodded stiffly to himself. "F'get it, Sitty." He mumbled.
"Use his name and speak clearly, Fin!" Uhtred said louder.
Finan sighed and tipped his head back. He glared at the ceiling and shook his head. He didn't want to take the words back. His chest hurt at the very idea. But he could feel the distress he was causing their boy. "Sihtric, forget what I said." He said, speaking slowly and trying his hardest to keep his words from being swallowed up by his accent. "I won't say or imply it again until you are ready. You tell me when I can."
Uhtred nodded, still not taking his eyes off Sihtric. He released Finan's hand and raised his. He fumbled for a moment until he touched the man's shoulder. Then he slid his fingers back until he could wrap his fingers around the back of his neck. Finan breathed out and leaned against his touch.
Sihtric rolled over on his side, feeling released by Finan's words. He ignored the way his body protested the sudden twisting movement. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth. He inhaled deeply, his chest expanding as his lungs filled. He buried the side of his head against the pillows and tucked his chin against his chest as he continued to breathe in deeply. He still kept a hold of Uhtred and he reached for Finan as well and wrapped his fingers around the man's wrist. Finan pulled back a little and laced their fingers together.
Uhtred leaned closer again and touched his hand to the boy's forehead. He ran his fingers to the boy's hairline and then slowly through his hair. Sihtric breathed out deeply again and again. His breathing slowed and shallowed and Uhtred smiled as he ran his fingers through the boy's hair once more before he pulled away. "He's asleep." He whispered, straightening up and smiling at Finan.
"I'm sorry." Finan said softly, not looking at either of them. "It jus'… touching 'is neck… it jus' made me realize how close we came t' losing him… I love him, Uhtred."
Uhtred breathed out and nodded. "I know."
"I love you too." Finan added, glancing at him sideways.
Uhtred nodded his head stiffly. "I know." His voice was barely a whisper and he looked away. He breathed out and shook his head. It was the second time Finan had said it to him. And he still didn't know what to say, he still wasn't prepared.
"It's okay, Uhtred." Finan turned towards him on the bed, careful not to dislodge Sihtric's hold on his hand. "I know ye can't say it. I know it's crazy an' I 'aven't known 'im as long as ye an' I can't explain it but I love 'im. Jus' as much as I love ye."
"Fin…" Uhtred trailed off and shook his head.
"When ye are ready, ye will tell me." Finan said softly as he touched Uhtred's face. "And when the boy is ready, 'e will ask me t' tell 'im."
Uhtred swallowed and dropped his gaze to his lap. He bit his lip and idly picked at his thumbnail. "And if neither of us are ever ready?" He asked softly, his voice barely a whisper.
Finan shrugged and smiled at him. He touched his fingers to Uhtred's neck and gripped him tightly. "You will be." He said smugly.
Uhtred laughed softly and shook his head. "So sure, huh?"
Finan grew serious and nodded. "I am, Uhtred. I am sure about ye both. I love you."
Uhtred sighed deeply and shook his head. "Fin… I know what it feels like to tell someone you love them… and to never have them say it back…"
Finan frowned, hearing the tone in Uhtred's voice. He'd never heard the man talk about a past love with such pain before. But he wasn't exactly sure he knew of all of Uhtred's past loves. He knew of Brida but he was sure Uhtred hadn't been so torn up over her. He knew the man was married before for a short time. And he was married again. And Finan thought there was another woman, a sorcerer or something, that he couldn't remember the name of. But he couldn't remember Uhtred ever speaking of them with the same pain in his voice. "Uhtred…" He rubbed his fingers over the man's neck and squeezed him a little.
Uhtred sucked in a sharp breath and looked away. He felt tears threatening his eyes and he blinked them away. He lifted his free hand and rubbed at them. "The first man I was with… I… I told him… I told him I loved him…" Uhtred tilted his head up and stared at the ceiling, trying to keep his tears at bay. "It was complicated… his religion and his devotion to the crown sometimes got in the way. But we… we were friends for almost 6 years and more before and after I was forced to get married. He…" He sighed and shook his head. "He never said it back to me and he died beside me in battle. I never got to say goodbye and I… I just… I can't, Fin."
Finan leaned closer and tried to wrap his arm around Uhtred's neck but the Lord shook his head and pulled away. "Who…"
Uhtred shook his head and dropped his gaze. "I don't wanna talk about him anymore." He said softly. He shivered and turned his gaze on their sleeping boy. He wished he could be as sure as Finan. But he just didn't know. He didn't know if he could trust himself, trust his feelings. He wasn't even sure what he really felt. He wasn't sure if he even knew what real love was. He thought he did. Brida, Leofric, Mildrith, Iseult, Gisela. He thought he loved them all at times but nothing ever lasted for him. If it was possible, he thought he might care for Finan and Sihtric more than he did for anyone else in his entire life. He just didn't understand how that was possible, to care for two people with his whole heart and soul. The notion freaked him out and he tried not to think about it.
"Uhtred." Finan said softly, leaning closer and keeping his voice low. "Sorry t' disrupt yer thoughts but… there's somethin' else we should talk 'bout while we 'ave a moment."
Uhtred shook his head and sighed. He was so exhausted and he just wanted to curl up on the bed beside Sihtric and sleep. For hours or maybe days or even weeks. They had never had a bed to sleep together in. And he couldn't even remember the last time he'd slept in a bed. He turned to look at Finan. "What?"
Finan glanced at Sihtric before he turned back to Uhtred. "We need t' talk 'bout Sihtric."
Uhtred frowned and tilted his head. "What about him?" They had been doing nothing but talking about him for well over a day and now they had him back and Uhtred just watched to lie down beside him and sleep.
Finan glanced at the boy again, making sure he was indeed asleep before he leaned closer to Uhtred. He kept his voice low, barely a whisper. "Uhtred, did ye hear what 'e said?"
"When?"
"A few minutes ago. He said he had t' take care of us." Finan said slowly.
Uhtred opened his mouth slowly and then closed it. He frowned again and glanced at Sihtric. "I don't… I guess I didn't…" Maybe he remembered hearing the boy say that. He shook his head and looked back at Finan. "Like he… like he thinks he has to? Like… sex stuff… he thinks we expect it?" Finan raised an eyebrow and tilted his head and Uhtred narrowed his eyes and glared at him. "What's that look for?"
Finan couldn't help the way his lips curled into the tiniest of smiles. "Ye've been trying t' fuck him since ye met."
Uhtred's eyes widened and he shook his head. "That wasn't on me! That never crossed my mind when we met! That was all in his head!"
"Ye claimed 'im." Finan said flatly. "In front of Guthred an' the whole army, I believe."
Uhtred's mouth dropped open and he shook his head. "That wasn't my fault! I didn't know anything about him or his past! I just wanted to make sure he was safe!"
Finan smiled and tilted his head. "An' then when ye were reunited."
"He kissed me!" Uhtred hissed. "What was I supposed to do? He made the first move and pretty much told me I could have him right there!"
Finan shrugged. "Maybe because 'e thought 'e had to. He wasn't shy at all 'bout dropping to 'is knees for me." He cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. "He told me I couldn't really hurt 'im because he was used t' pain. Uhtred… I don't think…. I don't think anyone's e'er… been nice or gentle with him. I think… I think he's only ever been… forced. An' he expects pain."
Uhtred nodded slowly and looked down at their sleeping boy. "He said he expected me to…" He grimaced and shook his head. "I can't believe I gave him that impression… and he believed it! For over a year! While he was searching for me with Hild and Ragnar! He expected me to come back and just… like it was normal!"
"T' him… I think it is normal." Finan said, tilting his head slowly. "Said ye were the first he wouldn't object t'."
Uhtred breathed out and nodded. "I think you are right, Finan."
Finan sighed deeply. "Uhtred, until we can sort this all out, we canne touch 'im again."
Uhtred nodded his head, agreeing. "Not until we've talked to him." He sighed and shook his head. "If he's only been physical with us because he thinks he has to… if he doesn't actually want to…" He bit his lip and looked away.
Finan shrugged. "I'll still love 'im. Jus' as long as I can be around him."
Uhtred sighed and shook his head. "I don't know if I can be around him and not touch him." He said softly and bit his lip against the idea.
Finan narrowed his eyes. "Against his will?" He hissed.
Uhtred's eyes widened and he shook his head. "Never, Finan! I thought… I thought he enjoyed the little we've done." He added softly.
Finan pursed his lips and tilted his head. He shrugged his shoulders a little. "Enjoyin' it an' consentin' t' it are different t'ings."
Uhtred's eyes widened and he nodded his head quickly. "You are right, Fin. I… I swear… I won't touch him again until we can talk about this. Somewhere alone and private."
Finan nodded and reached over Sihtric to grab Uhtred. He wrapped his hand around the back of the man's neck and pulled him closer. He touched his lips to Uhtred's softly and the Lord sighed against him. Then they pulled away and Uhtred looked away. He shook his head and sighed deeply and looked completely lost and broken. Finan moved to lie down on the bed and waved at him. "Sleep, Lord. An' try not t' focus too much. We won't know the truth unless he tells us. An' he won't until we ask."
Uhtred nodded, not looking at him, and laid down. He moved as close to Sihtric as he could without touching him and closed his eyes.
