Chapter 23: Battleworn
Uhtred hadn't slept. Finan's words ran through his head all night long, keeping sleep from him. He knew Sihtric's childhood in Dunholm hadn't been a happy one. And now the Lord wondered how dark it really had been for their baby boy. For their strong, loyal, pretty, happy boy that deserved all the happiness in the world and Uhtred would make sure his puppy got it. Several times, he'd rolled over and gazed at Sihtric's sleeping form and longed to wrap his arms around the younger man and hold him while he slept. But he didn't, he kept his hands to himself. He just closed his eyes and tried to sleep again and his mind wouldn't quiet. He went over every interaction he had with Sihtric in his head. And maybe there had been signs. And he just hadn't wanted to see them.
The sun filtered in through the windows and Finan opened his eyes slowly. He blinked in the bright light and closed his eyes for a moment longer before opening them again. He breathed out deeply and shook his head. Sihtric was still asleep beside him and Finan watched him for a moment, happy the boy looked so peaceful for the moment. The Irishman shook his head and sighed. He sat up slowly and rubbed at his face.
"Did you sleep?"
Finan pulled his hand away from his face and turned. Uhtred wasn't on Sihtric's other side. He was sitting in the window on the other side of the room. Finan rubbed at his tired eyes again as he slipped from the bed slowly, trying not to disturb their sleeping boy. He shook his head as he walked towards the window. "Nah. Didja?" He half mumbled.
Uhtred sighed and shook his head. He turned and leaned more heavily on the stones behind him. "Not enough."
Finan hummed as he stopped. He leaned into the window, resting his elbows on the sill beside Uhtred's crossed legs. The man barely fit on the small sill and it was a tight squeeze with Finan leaning into the space as well but Uhtred didn't object. Finan glanced at him sideways and his lips curled into the tiniest of smiles. "Ye look pretty in t' sunlight."
Uhtred smiled and turned his gaze on Finan. The sunlight hit him as well, lighting up his handsome face. And Uhtred could see the signs of weariness on him, just as evident as he knew they were on himself as well. He sighed and lifted his hand. He touched his fingers to Finan's face. The Irishman sighed and closed his eyes. He leaned against Uhtred's touch and the Lord smiled again. He breathed out and tilted his head, watching Finan. "Sometimes… I can't… I can't believe that it's only been a couple months." He mused softly.
Finan opened his eyes and hummed. He gazed out the window and could see people milling around in the square below. Their window faced inside Dunholm. It was high enough to still catch the morning sunlight but not so high to see outside the walls. "Aye." He nodded slowly. "Seems like a dream." He mused. "E'ery moment since I met ye seems like a dream an' I ne'er wanna wake up."
Uhtred let out a giggle and leaned forward. He placed a kiss to the top of Finan's head. Then he slid his fingers lower, combing them through Finan's beard. Finan breathed out and Uhtred couldn't stop the low, breathy giggle that escaped his throat. Finan turned, tilting his head back and Uhtred kissed him. Just a gentle brush of lips in the early morning sunshine. Then Uhtred leaned back against the stone again and breathed out. "Good morning." He said with a smile.
Finan pushed off the sill and straightened up. He leaned closer, crowding into Uhtred's space and grabbed the Lord's smiling face. He watched as Uhtred tilted his head back, expecting or angling for a kiss. Finan wasn't quite sure but either way, he found he couldn't and didn't want to deny this man anything he wanted. He closed the distance between them and shared another sweet and gentle kiss. Finan pulled away and Uhtred smiled and leaned forward to chase him. Finan chuckled and kissed him again before leaning away. "So what's the plan fer t'day?" He asked, crossing his arms and leaning against the window arch.
Uhtred sighed and leaned back. He turned his gaze out the window and dipped his head. "We leave for Wessex." He said softly.
Finan nodded. "Thought that's what ye told Ragnar."
Uhtred sighed again and nodded. "I'd like to give everyone time to rest longer but Steapa…"
On the bed, Sihtric stirred. He breathed out and opened his eyes slowly. For a moment, he just smiled and closed his eyes again. The bed was comfortable and he felt oddly warm and safe. He rubbed his head harder against the pillow and sighed contently. He rolled over more, moving to lay on his stomach. And he felt the soreness in his chest and the dull pain and everything came back to him. He let out a pained moan and rolled over to his back again.
Uhtred and Finan both stiffened, their conversation forgotten immediately when they heard the boy's pain. They exchanged a quick look. Finan turned and Uhtred slipped from the window. Both slowly walked towards the bed. Neither one knew what to say. What they wanted to say or what they should. They looked at each other again and just awkwardly stood, staring down at Sihtric.
Sihtric breathed out sharply and turned when their shadows hit the bed. He smiled and blinked up at them. But then his eyes focused on their odd expressions and he frowned. Then he remembered more of the night before. He remembered Finan's odd words and the hidden meaning behind them and he remembered his reaction. He swallowed and looked away. He felt the tears in his eyes as fear hit him. He fucked this all up. Just like he fucked up everything else.
Finan sat on the bed and shook his head. "Sitty. Sihtric. Look at me."
Sihtric flinched and remembered Uhtred saying the same words the night before. He tried to blink away the tears and nodded. It took a moment longer before he was able to turn and look up at the Irishman. The man was smiling at him and Sihtric felt his chest tighten. More tears sprang from his eyes and he couldn't stop them. He sat up and leaned forward, hugging his knees to his chest and ignoring the way his muscles protested the movement.
Finan's own heart ached watching him. He longed to gather their boy into his arms and hold him. Finan wanted to cradle him and kiss him and tell him everything was alright. But he honestly didn't know if he should. "You did nothing wrong." He said, trying his hardest to speak slowly. "Everythin' last night is forgiven and forgotten. But we have a lot to talk 'bout before we progress any further. When we are safe and home…" He paused and looked back at Uhtred. "Where is home?" He didn't remember Uhtred ever naming a place and he knew Sihtric's only home had been Dunholm and there was no way they could stay there. Even with Ragnar in charge, the place would never be home for their boy. As for Finan, it was the same for him. He hadn't had a home for years, not since he was forcibly removed from his. Maybe even longer than that. Now, his home was with these two men.
Uhtred opened his mouth slowly. He breathed out a sigh and shook his head. "I haven't had a home since Kjartan burned it down when I was barely a man. I've been moving ever since." He sighed again and ran a hand over his face and through his hair. He hated that he didn't have more to offer them.
Finan nodded slowly and turned back to Sihtric. "We will find a place to call home, e'en if it's only fer a bit. And we will talk. But ye did nothing wrong, okay?"
Sihtric wasn't sure he believed Finan's words. In his heart, he knew he fucked everything up. It was only a matter of time before they abandoned him, before they left him because he was too damaged, too broken, too much work. He noticed the way Uhtred wouldn't come closer and how he hardly looked at him. Finan was closer and looking at him but he wasn't touching him. Yesterday both couldn't keep their hands off him. Sihtric nodded his head stiffly and bit his lip and he wondered. Had Thyra or Hild talked to them? Did they know? Were they disgusted and repulsed? Could he fix it? Could he make it all better? He would try. Just as soon as he was healed enough that they would touch him again, he would do what he was good at. He'd just let them both do whatever they wanted just as long as they didn't throw him away.
"Sihtric?" Finan said his name again when the boy didn't respond. He tilted his head and leaned closer. He stretched out his hand towards him but he stopped before touching him.
Sihtric swallowed as his eyes settled on Finan's outstretched hand. He sighed deeply and nodded again. He forced a smile on his face and looked at Finan. "Okay." He said softly.
Finan nodded and straightened back up. He pulled both his hands into his lap, more to keep them to himself because he still longed to touch Sihtric. "Good. Now. How're ye feelin'?"
Sihtric let out a groan and breathed out. "Hurts." He mumbled, pushing his legs away and leaning back a bit on the bed. "But it is better."
Finan's gaze dropped to where the boy was still wrapped in the torn sheet. "Should we make more of that… stuff?"
Sihtric shook his head. "No, I should wash it off and let it breathe for a while."
"Now?" Uhtred asked softly, his voice almost timid. "Or should you rest more?"
Sihtric turned his gaze on their Lord and he swallowed. He noticed the way Uhtred flinched and Sihtric got the feeling their Lord was forcing himself not to look away. Once again he wondered if they knew. He shook his head quickly. "No. I should move around. I will do it now." He said, his voice low and half mumbled.
Finan nodded his head and slipped off of the bed. He stood up and backed up a step. "Okay, you wash and take it easy." He said, pointing a finger at Sihtric. "No lifting or anything that hurts. I will go tell our army and Guthred's that we will be leaving…" He glanced at Uhtred. "When?"
Uhtred finally tore his gaze away from Sihtric and focused on Finan. "When we are ready." He said, nodding his head. "Find Steapa first and include him. I want Alfred to know I am playing by his rules. I will find Ragnar and speak with him before we leave. And I have... a few other matters to attend to." He sighed and turned to retrieve his shirt. He pulled it on over his head and threw the other two theirs. "I promise I will speak to Alfred when we get back to Wessex. I have not killed Guthred and I think that earns me right to demand a place where we can really rest for a time. We have all earned it." He turned for the door and paused. He wanted to say something else, anything else, but his mind was blank. He shook his head dismissively and slipped out, hating himself for a moment.
Uhtred forced thoughts of Sihtric and Finan both from his head. He would have time enough to sort through the jumbled mess that was his mind because of them. But right now, he had his responsibilities to attend to. First, he had to finish with Alfred and politely ask that his demands be met. Requests. Yes. He had to request it. Ask politely and keep his tongue in his mouth. Which was something he really wasn't good at. He would have to make sure Finan and Sihtric were both with him. Hopefully they could make him behave in the King's audience. Or at least keep him from threatening the man. Again.
"Arseling."
Uhtred stiffened at the nickname he hadn't heard in so long. In over two years, he thought, not since... He swallowed and shook his head, trying to stop himself from crying again. It was the second time in less than a day where he was forced to think about Leofric. But he forced the man from his mind because it was not his voice that said the nickname. He turned towards her voice and eyed her wearily for a moment. But then Brida stepped towards him, smiling and with her arms stretched out. Uhtred's eyes instinctively went to her arms and her belt, looking for a hidden weapon. And he hated how sharply their relationship had turned. He loved her once. He thought he loved her, if he ever knew what love really was. She was his first. But he couldn't help the way he flinched when she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.
Brida rolled her eyes and pinched his side hard. "Hug me, Røvbanan, or I will knock you out and shave off all that pretty hair you pride yourself on."
Uhtred chuckled, despite himself, and wrapped his arms around her. Then she released him and they pulled apart. She was still smiling and maybe that was okay. Maybe after the last few years of conflict, they could be friends again. Or something. He tilted his head. "Ass banana? Really?"
She shrugged and spun on her heels. "Come eat with us, Røvbanan." She said as she walked off.
Uhtred rolled his eyes and shook his head as he ran to catch up with her. "Please go back to calling me Arseling." She glanced over her shoulder at him and stuck out her tongue. He shook his head and grudgingly followed her into a large hall, lined with tables. Several of the men were eating and laughing, enjoying the morning. Uhtred smiled at them but didn't stop as Brida led him to a small table in the back. Ragnar sat with Hild and Thyra and a few men he did not exactly recognize but thought they were part of Ragnar's entourage.
"Brother!" Ragnar smiled at him and patted the bench beside him. "I would ask how you slept but I can see you did not."
Uhtred sighed deeply as he sat down beside Ragnar. He leaned heavily on the table and shook his head. "Sleep eluded me last night. And I fear it will continue to do so in the days to come, until I have spoken with Alfred about a place to call home for a bit."
Ragnar nodded his head. "You are welcome to return here."
Uhtred shook his head. "Not now. One day, maybe. But right now, this place cannot be home."
Ragnar hummed and nodded his head. He leaned closer and brushed his shoulder against Uhtred's. "Are you hungry, brother?" Uhtred shook his head and Ragnar pushed his plate towards him. "You must eat something. I will get you something to drink." He said, standing up.
Uhtred grabbed a piece of bread and tore off a small chunk. His stomach was already in knots from the events of the last day and he didn't even feel like he could swallow it let alone chew it. But he popped the small morsel in his mouth and forced it down. Ragnar returned a moment later with a mug and Uhtred happily accepted that and took a drink. Then he set the mug on the table and leaned back. His eyes went to Thyra and Hild and he knew he needed to talk to both. "Thyra." He said her name softly and leaned forward on the table. "I will be leaving today, with my army and Guthred's. His army will be heading back to Eoferwich while we will be heading to Wessex to see King Alfred. I do not have a home yet to offer you. I am not sure what will happen when I get back to Wessex. I do not know what Alfred will ask of me. I am… sworn to him… for the time being." He could feel Ragnar and Brida both shifting in their seats. But neither voiced their opinions and he was glad of it. "But know, if you decide to come with me, I swear, I will protect you. I will keep you safe."
Ragnar leaned on the table beside Uhtred and nodded. "We will always make sure you are safe, Thyra. You may stay here, if you wish. You would be welcomed and you would never be touched again within these walls like you were."
Thyra pulled away from Hild. She leaned back a bit on the bench and dropped her gaze to her lap. She stared down at her hands and bit her lip. She clenched and unclenched her fists a few times and then spread her fingers out. She focused on them for a moment and not on the dark cloud that threatened to clog her mind. For a long time, she prayed to the Gods for her death. She never thought of the possibility of being free from the cell. She never thought she could leave Dunholm. She breathed in sharply and lifted her head. She looked at Hild, her eyes wide. "Hild will be leaving?" She asked softly.
Hild nodded her head. "I will. I will be returning to Wessex with my Lord." She glanced at Uhtred and smiled. "I have followed you this long and I will continue to do so. I am sworn to you."
Uhtred smiled at her and nodded. Then he turned back to Thyra and waited in silence for her to finish thinking. He wouldn't rush her. He would give her time enough to think it through. And if she needed more time to decide where she wanted to be, then he would leave and return for her later.
Thyra swallowed and looked down at her hands again. "My Little Raven?" She asked softly.
Uhtred nodded his head again. "Sihtric has also sworn himself to me. He will be coming to Wessex and wherever I end up."
"What about my dogs?" Thyra asked softly, biting her lip nervously.
Uhtred glanced sideways at Ragnar and sighed. "Thyra, you can't bring them." Her gaze snapped to him and Uhtred lifted his arm, holding his hand up towards her. "Not all of them." He added quickly. "They are half feral and will spook the horses. And as I said, I do not have a home to offer. You… you can bring one for now and at a later date, we may be able to come back for them. When we have a place to take them."
Thyra's eyes narrowed a bit and she looked at Ragnar. "What about the rest?"
Ragnar nodded his head. "They will be taken care of, Thyra, I swear to you. They won't be locked up."
Thyra breathed out deeply and tilted her head back. She lifted her hands from her lap and set them on the table. She leaned against the table and nodded her head. "Okay. My Little Raven told me to stay with him or Hild. I will go with you, Uhtred."
Uhtred leaned further on the table and reached for her hands. He took them both into his hands and held them tightly. "Thyra, Sihtric meant during the battle. He did not mean forever. You've had every decision of your life taken from you, from our father before and then after…" He paused and didn't voice it. "You are grown and you are free. This is your choice. You may go where you want."
"I know." Thyra nodded her head. "I want to go with Hild." She said softly.
Uhtred tilted his head and kept her gaze. "Are you sure?"
Thyra nodded her head again. "Yes, brother. I am."
Uhtred smiled and nodded. He released her and leaned back. Then he stood up and turned his gaze on Hild. "Hild."
She turned to look up at him. "Lord?"
"I wish to speak with you." Hild nodded and started to stand. Thyra moved to follow and Uhtred held up his hand. "Alone." He said, looking at his sister.
"Oh." Thyra said sadly and leaned forward against the table.
Uhtred smiled at her and walked around the table. He stood behind her and touched her shoulder. "I won't keep her long. You may have her back. Why don't you go check on your dogs? Decide which will be coming with us. We will be leaving today as soon as we are ready."
Hild reached out and touched Thyra's other shoulder gently. The younger woman smiled timidly at her and Hild nodded. "Will you be okay going down there?" She asked softly and Thyra nodded. Hild smiled at her and squeezed her shoulder. "Then I will come find you there when your brother is done with me and we will get ready to leave together." Thyra smiled at her and Hild pulled away and turned. Uhtred watched her curiously for a moment before turning. They walked off, leaving the hall.
After a few minutes, Ragnar and his men excused themselves with words about starting the grave digging, leaving just Brida and Thyra. Thyra watched them go and waited until they were out of earshot. Then she turned and looked at Brida. She tilted her head, staring at the woman. She didn't know her well. At least not anymore. She had very little interactions with the woman when they were younger. Brida had mostly kept to herself or with Uhtred. She wasn't really a member of the family, just a slave. Thyra had tried to get her to play with them a few times growing up, but there was always a darkness hanging over Brida's head and Thyra had been scared of the younger woman.
Brida drained her cup and set it down on the table. She caught the weird look Thyra was giving her and frowned. "What?" She sneered.
Thyra leaned further on the table and tilted her head. "Just remembering the last time I saw you." She said softly. "You were in the trees while Sven shackled my neck and led me away by a chain."
Brida opened her mouth slowly. "I… Uhtred was there…"
Thyra nodded slowly. "He snuck in, killed a man, and remained in the barn. He did not see me and I didn't call out for him because I didn't want him killed by Kjartan. You… I saw running through the trees."
Brida swallowed and shook her head. "That's awful… I must have just missed seeing you... I saw Kjartan move and I ran before he could see me."
Thyra tilted her head the other way. "I was certain you had seen me. That's why I thought Uhtred abandoned me. For years I hated him… him and Ragnar both. Because I was certain you had seen me. And you told him and he didn't care. But he swears he didn't know. Him and Ragnar. They said they thought me dead. And when they found out I was alive, they planned to save me."
Brida nodded her head quickly, her eyes wide. "Yes, that's the truth."
Thyra stood up slowly and nodded. "So you didn't see me. Because if you did, why wouldn't you tell Uhtred, right? Why would you lie? Or I guess you didn't lie. You just didn't tell him." Brida opened her mouth but Thyra leaned closer and stared at the younger woman. "I must have been mistaken." She straightened up and took a step back. She kept her eyes on Brida and she backed up another step. "Goodbye, sister." She turned and stalked away.
"Hild." Uhtred stopped when they were well out of hearing distance. He pulled her aside, into a corner, hidden in the shadows, and stepped closer.
Hild moved closer, looking concerned. "Lord? Is something wrong?"
Uhtred frowned and shook his head. "No, no, Hild." He held up his hands and smiled at her. "Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to make sure Thyra couldn't overhear. Or anyone that could get back to her."
"Thyra." Hild repeated and tilted her head.
Uhtred sighed and nodded his head. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair. "Yes. I wanted to ask you… if you were okay… with her…" He asked slowly. "She seems to have attached herself to you and while I am grateful to you… I don't want you to feel obligated to care for her or to allow her to hang all over you."
Hild smiled and tilted her head. "I don't mind, Lord. She's your sister and Sihtric's friend. That makes her… family. She's been… abused in ways very few of us can understand… I don't mind helping her."
Uhtred stared at her for a moment longer and sighed. He stepped closer and touched her shoulder. "Are you sure, Hild?"
Hild nodded. "I am, Lord."
Uhtred smiled and he nodded. "Okay. If you change your mind or she becomes too much, let me know."
Hild nodded and smiled at him. "Don't worry about me, Lord. I can handle her."
"I know you can, Hild. You are too amazing a woman." He said softly.
Hild rolled her eyes and shook her head but she was smiling. "Lord…"
He laughed and nodded his head. He held up his hands and backed up a step. "Alright, if you'll excuse me…"
"Lord…" She reached out and grabbed his arm.
Uhtred paused and stepped closer again. "Yes?"
"Sihtric…" She said the boy's name softly, her voice barely a whisper.
Uhtred stiffened and swallowed. "What… what about him?"
Hild stepped even closer. "It is not my place to say but… I just… wanted to tell you... be… gentle with him… and I don't mean physically or whatever you three get into." She added quickly and held up her hands. "That still isn't my business and as long as you are all happy, that's all that matters…" Uhtred couldn't help but smile at her words and Hild frowned and pushed him. "Look, just… be patient with him, okay?" She said sharply.
Uhtred blinked at her for a moment and nodded. "Yes… of course… Hild…" He closed his mouth before he even asked. He knew Hild well enough that she wouldn't betray a friend's confidence. She knew something he and Finan didn't know and it was making his stomach tie itself in knots. He wanted to know so he could help his puppy in some way, any way. He just had no idea. And he wouldn't know until Sihtric decided to tell him and Finan.
Hild's eyes narrowed into a glare and she stepped closer and thumped him in the chest again. "And you will not ask me. And you will not ask Thyra!"
Uhtred's eyes widened. "Thyra? Is she involved…"
"Uhtred!" Hild hissed his name, forgoing his title, and she shook her head. "You will ask no one except Sihtric himself!"
He shook his head quickly. "I'm sorry, Hild. I won't. I swear, my mouth took a moment longer to catch up with my head but I wouldn't have expected you to betray whatever you know."
She eyed him for a moment longer before she nodded her head. "Good, Lord." She dropped her arms and moved closer again. "You and Finan, you will have to ask him. I do not think he will be able to bring it up himself but I think he needs to talk about it… at least a little to help him process. But do not force him to! You ask and if he's not ready, you make sure he knows that it is okay and he can talk when he wants to!"
Uhtred's eyes widened and he nodded his head slowly. He held up his hands and backed a step away from her. "I would never, Hild!"
"Good!" She snapped a bit more harshly than she meant. She swallowed and shook herself and stepped back. "That is all I wanted to say." She said softer.
He nodded again. "Thank you, Hild." He smiled warmly at her. "Thank you for helping Thyra and Sihtric both. For being so much more than a friend. You are right. We are family."
"Thyra?" Sihtric called out as he walked down the stairs slowly. He swallowed and trembled and tried to get control of himself. It was just a room that he had been in a million times over his lifetime. He flinched as he stepped into the dungeon and saw the huge blood smear across the floor. Sven's body was gone and someone had attempted to clean it up but the stone was still stained with red. He thought it might be for a while with how much had been spilled.
"Here, my Little Raven."
Sihtric breathed out and headed towards her cell. He had gone to look for her and been told she was seen in the hall but he only found Brida and she said Thyra had mentioned her dogs. "What are you doing in there?" His voice shook a little as he stepped into the cell.
Thyra sat on her bed, leaning against the wall. A few of her dogs were lying beside her and the rest were around the cell. "Brother had to talk to Hild." She said softly, running her fingers between the ears of one of the dogs. His head was in her lap and he lifted his head and sniffed at the air as Sihtric came closer. "I came down to check on them."
Sihtric leaned closer and touched the dog's nose. He earned himself a lick and he smiled. He sat down on the bed and leaned back beside her.
"Uhtred said I can't take them all." She said softly. "He said it would be hard to travel with them all and they would make the horses nervous."
Sihtric nodded slowly. "They will."
"He said he's not sure where we will be going." She continued softly and picked at a tuft of shedding hair. "He said I can only take one right now and the rest will stay here with Ragnar. Uhtred said later I might be able to take more if he finds us a place to stay…" She paused and looked at Sihtric. "We don't have a home, do we Little Raven?"
Sihtric shook his head. "We don't. But we will. Lord… uh… Uhtred will find us one." He felt awkward using his Lord's name when he wasn't in the man's presence. Uhtred had told him to use it when they were together and in private. But it also felt awkward to just call the man Lord when he was speaking privately to Thyra.
She nodded. "Ragnar said he would take care of them. He said they wouldn't be locked up anymore in this cage."
Sihtric shook thoughts of Uhtred's name and title from his mind and turned his attention back to her. He smiled and nodded. "That's good. Which one are you taking?"
Thyra looked down at the dog in her lap. He was the largest and while she loved them all and tried not to play favorites, he was her favorite. She smiled and scratched at his ear. "Bjorn."
Sihtric nodded and rubbed the dog's nose. He got licked again and smiled. "Good."
Thyra sighed and tilted her head. "I don't know how I'll leave them." She said softly, looking around the cell at them. Then she tilted her head and gazed at the cell itself. "I don't know how I'll leave this place. I haven't in so long."
Sihtric nodded his head. "I know it's scary. But it's so much better, Thyra. Even without a place to call home, it's been so much better since I left."
She nodded slowly. "But… I can… I can come visit them, right?"
Sihtric nodded quickly. "Of course you can. We'll come together."
Thyra smiled. "And Hild, too?"
Sihtric laughed and nodded again. "Maybe." Thyra smiled at him again and nodded and looked back down at the dog in her lap. Sihtric watched her for a moment before he bit his lip. "Thyra… I wanted to talk to you about something…"
She turned towards him again and tilted her head. "Yes, Little Raven?"
Sihtric swallowed and looked away. "You told uh… you said… you loved me and I loved you."
"I do." She nodded. "Do you not love me?"
He bit his lip. "I do… like a sister."
She wrinkled her nose and let out a giggle. "Silly Little Raven. You are with my brother and you call me a sister."
Sihtric opened his mouth slowly. "Family? Friend?"
"No! Sister!" She whined. "Call me sister!"
Sihtric smiled and nodded. "Okay, okay. I just… wanted to make sure… you weren't…"
"In love with you?" She asked with a smile. Sihtric flinched and nodded. That had been exactly what he was afraid of. Thyra smiled and let out a giggle. She reached out and touched his knee. "No, Little Raven. I do not love you in that way."
Sihtric breathed out a huge sigh of relief. He actually felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest, like he could breathe easier. He smiled and nodded and leaned back against the stone wall.
Thyra watched him for a moment. "Can I ask you something?" She asked slowly. Sihtric nodded his head and she turned more towards him. Bjorn shifted in her lap and then settled again once she stopped. He sniffed at her hand, angling for pets, but her attention was completely on Sihtric. "Do you love my brother? And that other guy?"
Sihtric bit his lip and looked away. "I… I don't know." He said softly, his voice wavering a bit.
"You don't know?" She repeated.
Sihtric nodded his head. "I only knew Uhtred for a day before he was sold. I offered myself to him…" Thyra raised an eyebrow and he blushed. "To his service…" He corrected and looked away. "Though I'm just fucked up enough to believe that was what he wanted…" He mumbled.
Thyra smiled. "Seems what he wants now."
Sihtric bit his lip and nodded. "But it's only been a couple months since he was rescued and I met Fin."
Thyra shrugged. "Sometimes fate has an odd way of working, my Little Raven."
Sihtric shook his head. "I don't know if I can love… I don't know how to." He sighed and shook his head again dismissively. "They deserve better than me. I'm not good enough for them." He mumbled under his breath.
"Sihtric." She used his name and he looked at her. "If they make you feel like you aren't good enough for them, then they aren't good enough for you."
Sihtric shook his head. "No… no, they don't… they… they make me happy, Thyra… but I… I just don't know, Thyra." He said, sighing deeply. "I don't know."
She leaned against him and touched her head to his. "We'll figure this all out, my Little Raven." She said softly.
Sihtric sighed and wished he could believe that.
"Ready?"
"Aye." Finan nodded his head. "Steapa an' Clapa already left wit' Aethelwold an' Father Beocca. They're escortin' Guthred's army. They'll meet us at the border. Steapa insisted."
Uhtred nodded slowly. "Alfred's business, I assume."
Finan nodded. "T'was my guess."
"Alright. I want the two of us to ride up front and Hild, Thyra, and Sihtric behind a few feet. Thyra says the dog she's bringing is well behaved but just in case it spooks her horse, Sihtric is the fastest and best rider."
Fina nodded. "Aye. 'e can calm the beast down."
Uhtred nodded as he glanced at Sihtric. The boy was within hearing distance, mounted on his horse, but he was staring down at his hands and looking miserable. Uhtred shook thoughts of the boy's apparent unhappiness away and looked back at Finan. He had a job to do now, a responsibility that he needed to perform. He needed to play by Alfred's rules and then he could demand respite. "The rest will follow behind." Finan nodded again and Uhtred turned.
Ragnar hugged Thyra tightly for a moment before releasing her. He smiled and kissed her forehead. "You are always welcome here." He said softly.
Thyra smiled shyly and reached down. She tangled her fingers in the fur of the large dog at her side and nodded. "Thank you, Ragnar." She said softly.
Uhtred stepped closer and wrapped his arm around Ragnar's shoulder. He leaned against his brother and smiled. "I hope I am included in that, brother."
Ragnar laughed and nodded. "You have always been welcome to join me. I would love to have you by my side, little brother."
Uhtred sighed and nodded. "Now is not the time but one day."
"One day." Ragnar nodded.
Uhtred pushed away from Ragnar and the older Dane tried to grab him. Uhtred laughed and ducked away and grabbed Thyra's hand. She laughed as he tugged her back towards their horses. "Come on." He quickly helped her onto Hild's horse and she wrapped her arms around the nun's waist. Then she leaned over and waved at Bjorn and the dog stood beside the horse's legs. The mouth shied away a step and Sihtric leaned over and grabbed the horse's bridle.
Finan had mounted his horse and rode closer with Uhtred's in tow. He leaned towards Uhtred and held the reins out to him. "Lord."
Uhtred nodded and smiled as he grabbed the reins. "Thanks." He quickly pulled himself up into the saddle and turned. He glanced around and sucked in a breath. Then he shook his head and turned his horse. "Alright. Let's ride." He said, kicking his horse.
