(in which a weapons factory gets stormed by magical anime girls and some lunatic with a plant hanger)

Nngh.

Groggily, I wiggle about in the creaky medical bed. Eirin lent us a guest room for the evening, and I was actually kinda tired.

Actually, I think it's morning, now…

Reimu and Marisa should be somewhere, if I-

"Get up!" Ooh- shit, Jesus…! I-

My bed- it's tipping! Aah-

Thud. Wha' tha' fua~!?"

Fuck…! I gotta-

Marisa rolls the mattress back off 'a me. "We gotta go, go, go! Incident time, boy!" She claps her hands at me! "Up 'n' up 'n' at 'em!"

"Gaa~h!" I freakin'... wail from the floor…!

"That's what I'm talkin' about, ze!" Marisa gives me a toothy smile, leaning over me. "Don't make me punt ya!"

...Reimu was nearby, staring out the window casually and fluffily. Aw-

Thunk. Ouch!

"I toldja I was gonna punt ya!" Freakin'- this freakin' mage…!

Crawling onto my legs, I like… glare at 'er-

She ignores my crabbiness, her broom sliding up under her. "Alright, now, where's that-"

"Here I am…" Oh, hey!

Reisen steps into view before us, moving into the door's one room. She's got her stock suit on, a huge sniper rifle on her back compared to the tiny stick-y one she had in the village, as well as a funky, toy-lookin' sci-fi blaster on her belt.

"Yo~." Marisa waves at her. "We all set ta roll?"

"Yeah." Nodding, she pats her sides. "Loaded up on infiltration gadgets, potions, and offensive magical instruments. I assume you've all your usuals…"

"Hehehe! Yep!" ...Then, the witch looks over at me. "Oh, yeah. Special challenge: if this guy eats shit, you owe me a lunch!"

...Looking over at me, Reisen sighs. "Why~ is he coming with us…?"

"'Cause I'm bored." Marisa made an excuse.

Sliding the room's window open, Reimu looks back at us. "There's really no reason, anymore. But, we're not just gonna leave him with you guys. He's pretty eager to get his butt kicked, so he may as well do it where we can save him." Aw, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm riding on the back of Marisa's broom right now! It's really, really high up!

"Don't touch anywhere you'll regret, ze…" Marisa regards me in a low, dangerous tone…! That's pretty cuddly, actually...

"Oh, trust me. The last thing on my mind… is doing things other than panicking!" I had my hands around her waist, and I'm shook son. "By the way! We're fucking high up! Jesus fuck!"

It's also pretty, up here. The yellow glow of the land, all these forests of unknown, and the swirling pale sky above

...Pretty terrifying! I must yell! "Aaa~h-"

"Be quiet, you two." Reimu flew up alongside us, looking bored.

...

We flew quietly for some time.

However, once we neared the plains adjacent to the Scarlet Devil Mansion once again, the factory was pretty obvious actually, I'm pretty sure there was no way Marisa 'n' Reimu missed this their first time around.

"There it is." Reimu surveyed the vaguely massive structure from above…

"Let's fly low!" Reisen drifted ahead of us, and began lowering, taking us with her. She had an arm on her sniper rifle, peeking through the scope and down. "There's anti-air established on the top! If we don't approach from the ground, we might get beat down!"

"Anti-air!?" Surprised-

Woosh! Oh my god Marisa don't fucking nosedive Jesus shit-

"Ngh…" Marisa pulls up abruptly, and my head bangs against the back of hers-

Clonk. "Fa~h…" She's only slightly disgruntled by that!" "Right, cargo…" Y'mean you forgot…!?

...As she lowered at a more reasonable rate, akin to just unceremoniously dropping-

Reimu accelerates past us, her skirt flying in her face and showing off her bloomers. Man. You know, I bet bloomers are better for flying around than panties. Like-

Falling twice as fast, Reisen descends past us, her pink panties flashing by as she drops like a fuckin' rock. It's like getting pod-dropped in, without the pods, or anything! Woa~h…! I can't really enjoy that like half a second of panties I just saw because wi~nd resista~nce…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Fwoom! We all stopped abruptly near the grassy Earth below-

"Wa~h…" I exhale. I can breathe, right? Yeah. Good. Aha~h…

We're outside of the forest directly before the factory, so yeah. Freakin'...

"Air_Defense_System...Activated." A computerized voice echoed from beyond the trees.

Giving the forest a jaded stare, Reisen took her almighty sniper rifle off her back. "...Ah."

"Whatever, ze…" Hopping off her broom, Marisa looked at me, as if expecting me to get off…!

...So I did-

After I got off, she got back on! "We just gonna plow ahead?"

"Yeah." Drifting ahead, Reimu took into the woods…

Strapping her sniper rifle back onto her back once she'd looked it over, Reisen drew that toy-looking blaster from her belt. "Alright. C'mon, um…" She looked over at me! "What's your name?"

My name, huh. Aw, this is that moment where you can name yourself like in those RPG games! Let's see, um, let me move my cursor. B… I… G… where the hell's the- oh, there. B… O… O… B-

"His name's Brad." Pivoting around before the trees, Reimu interjected because I was taking too long to name myself! "...Which, I think he may've forgotten. Your name's Brad, by the way." Aaa~h!

…With that information, Reisen began moving ahead. "Stay close to me, Brad."

"What if I don't, yo?" I wanna know, before we-

"I'll make you." Oh. Well, I guess that's a good reason as any!

The forest looks pretty regular… which is refreshing, 'cause prior to Gensokyo I'd not been inside a proper forest in some time, let's just say…

Once we were in past the trees-

Fwaa~m! Marisa held her mini-hakkero hand with her other arm, as she flicked a thin, white beam through the brush-

Pi- pi- pi~chun! Fairies! Or, fairies that used to be at least. Ooo~...

"Fairies're chillin'." Marisa commented idly on the dead fairies, as she ascends to have an overview of the scene above us, keeping below the canopy. "Nothin's leapin' out…"

"Weird." Reimu shook her head. "...And they had so much energy before."

...After some moments, we came up to the factory.

The place itself was just a big metal box. Two rectangles on the top stretched into the daytime sky. The door was wide open, some fairies at the front looking over some stout, blue-clothed people…

"Kappa~." Marisa droned out their species! "Whole place looks like kappa!"

"Great…" Floating down, Reimu landed before us, running ahead towards the people…

Once we arrived, the kappa turned-

Fwi- fwi- fwish. They disappeared from sight, boxes of shifting visibility bending the light around them, before it appeared they were totally gone.

"Girls!" A glaring, platinum-haired fairy pointed at us, and began marching out of the facility! "...What brings you four here?"

This fairy was tall, imposing, and only appeared to be a fairy 'cause of her big, amazing wings. She was pretty freakin'... imposing! She had this like imperial attire on, with laces and belts and boots.

Next to her were some short fairies, with little orange hard hats on, with little lights in the centers. One had green hair, and the other had red hair...

"You." Twirling her gohei around, Reimu made an assumption. "You look important. What's this place about?"

"It is none of your concern, maiden." Smirking, the fairy tilted back. "...However, if you would like-"

BLAM

Woah- holy shit…!

...The fairy was gone. Her subordinates with the cute little hard hats on both turned around and just bolted back inside.

I look over at Reisen, only to see her huge fucking sniper rifle mounted on a stand, aimed at the fairy that had to have been like ten feet away. Yo~...!

Grinning at 'er, Marisa shook her head. "Well, shit! Guess we're gonna blow this thing sky high!"

"Maybe we'll find out something inside.." Brows furrowed, Reimu began to dash inside.

Reisen quickly tugged up her sniper rifle and ran inside, holding the rifle like a freakin' mini gun, while Marisa sped after her friend.

...Well.

Takin' this moment, I examine the outside. Ma~n. Such a big place! Like-

THOOM.

Once the girls are inside, the door shuts.

I'm… stuck. Outside.

Fuck!

I bang on the door! "Wil~ma~!"

…Nope. No~ one heard me.

Wow. That sucks!

Guess I'll just… I dunno. I'm gonna scout along the exterior here…

I'm marooned, dude. Maroo~ned! Ooo~!

That's a funny word, innit? Maroo~n!

"Maroo~n!" I call out aloud!

...I'm stupid. Fear strikes me; what if some big mean mothafucka just rolled up outta the woods and tore my head off 'cause the girls were inside…!? Jee~z…

Running ahead, I make for the side of the box. The front face is just a big bland box of steel and metal, objective and imposing, marring the landscape's otherwise serene atmosphere.

Even so, it's kinda pretty in its own way. Maybe that's just the edge lord inside, dude. But like, there's somethin' neat about how this metal and these bolts dig into the ground, rending stone and displacing grass- most of which was dug up around the place.

Neat like how this fire escape on the side here-...

A fire escape! Issa way in, innit!? Aw, there we go. Dunno what the fuck to do otherwise, so I guess I'll just go in.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After climbing like seven flights of fire escapes, I was at the top…

"Ha~h…" Yeah, stairs. I hate them, even if I'm the least impacted by them. "Ha~h…"

Crea~k. The top floor's freshly installed door still creaked when I swung it open. Freakin'...

On the inside, there was just an empty hall. Windows only visible from this side expose the treetops ahead to the structure's interior.

...Click. The door shuts behind me as I enter the hall, pressing ahead…

I feel like I shouldn't be here, but that's a feeling I've been getting a lot recently, so I'm kind of desensitized to it!

Reaching the end of this unremarkable hall, I move to open the door-

Click! It swings open of its own accord! Aa~h!

As I flinch back, a kappa steps out! Oh shit, oh shit-

"A- ah…!" The kappa freezes up upon seeing me!

...We're frozen, dude! Encounter dot exe has crashed.

...After a moment, the kappa adjusted her fluffy hat. "Hey…" She was short, and had grey hair, and blue eyes.

Well. "Are you gonna… murderize me?" Kinda don't know where kappa and humans stand!

"What?" She blinks! "O- oh, no, no! I'm just, I'm surprised to see someone up here…"

...Huh. Well then.

I crouch repeatedly to make sure we're friendlies.

...Staring at me curiously, she just navigates past me, stares out the window, and starts digging through her many pockets…

She took out an apple, and started eating it. Aw, we cool dude, we cool!

Alright, so the most intimidating people don't care I'm here, maybe. This is good!

Movin' outside of the room…

Standing on a catwalk, I peer over a massive floor. Of, y'know, a massive room. Nah, the floor's huge, but the wall's exactly one foot in diameter!

Fairies with hair of all colors and heights seem to be gathered into great groups, way down on the grey warehouse floor.

Weapons drop from above; some big and dumb, others looking unlike guns at all. Shafts are positioned over each group, to arm them with crap.

"Everything! Send everything!" In the intercom above, a sort of raspy dude's voice yells out. "We're under attack!"

...Oh boy. What the fuck did I just walk into?

Well, whatever. If I'm up here, I don't think I'll get fucked with. The only people up here seem to be kappa folk, and they're paying me like, minimum mind.

Power walking ahead, I navigate past some friendly kappa-

"Hey, you!" A pink-haired kappa chick with twintails gets in my way! "Who're you!?"

"...Me!?" Oh, fuck. I gesture to myself, to make sure…!

"Yes, you." Pouting, she marches up to me. "...What're you doing here?"

"I'm me." I clarify.

"Okay." She frowns.

"And you're you." I point at her so it's perfectly clear.

"...Okay." I don't think she was happy to learn that.

...I hold my arms out. "Maroo~n!" I did it, son. Mission accomplished.

"Well, we don't get paid to be security." Turning away, the sassy kappa girl ignores me. "If I see you break anything though, I'm hurting you."

Huh. I can't believe that actually worked. Speech one hundred, son.

With that encounter behind me, I continue along the rafters…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Ah. I knew I shouldn't've left the shrine without eating something. I felt weird just then...

"You good?" Raising a brow, Marisa gets closer because of my stumbling about.

"Fine." She doesn't have to worry. Unless I actually pass out from hunger or something, but that'd be the first in awhile.

A better focus right now would be… where're these fairies getting guns from, anyway?

The room ahead of us is big, filled with crates along the sides for fairies to hide behind and take potshots at us from. Even so-

Boom! Some of Reisen's low-grade sniper blasts were able to trash most of the debris.

Fwa- fwam! Rolling through the air away from me, Marisa twirled out of the way of a wild, green laser barrage from ahead. "Yo~!"

The fairies ahead had quad-pronged boxes with handles, which fired erratic, random spreads of lasers…

Accelerating ahead, I try to flank around-

Boom! A fairy emerging from crates ahead shoots a rocket from something, making a blast before me. Guess I can't go there, then-

Fwa- fwap! I send two ofuda to meet her-

Pi~chun! She's done.

Patatatat! "Shrine maide~n!" Grinning ear to ear, a particularly tiny, blonde fairy unleashes little white pellets into the air before me, which move to contain me-

Fwap. One of my ofuda meet her forehead-

Pi~chun! Fairies aren't known for resilience. That took care of her danmaku, too.

Cli- clack- clack! Reisen's sniper rifle folds open, a stocky, shimmering barrel poking out from the initial long one. "Reimu! Get high or low!"

I look up-

Woo~sh! The wind grates on the ceiling above are still making that look like a bad idea.

"Woaa~h!" Marisa dipped up for a little, only to get spun around, forcing her to fall back down…

Getting down, I almost belly slide along the floor-

Patatatatatatatat! Reisen unloads a wide, graceless spread from her gun, scarlet and white bullet-shaped bullets flooding out.

"Oak-chan!" One of the fairies dropped her quad-laser rifle, in disbelief that her friends wanted to test their mettle against the rabbit. "We- we gotta-"

Pi- pi- pi~chun! The enjambment of quad-laser fairies were mowed down in a breath.

...This floor is dirty. Sliding around just above it, I quickly get out of Reisen's firing radius and drift into the air again…

Pow- pow- pow!

Ow!

"Nn~gh." One of the sniper fairies in the back nailed me in the side with a laser. These weapons are all danmaku… but still, they hurt me. I'm not letting that go.

Drawing yin-yang needles, I flung my arm their way-

Cli- cli- clink. They embed in the crates beneath the metal platform the green-haired snipers stood on-

Fwam- boom- fwam! Shortly after, person-sized blasts of holy energy roared out, taking the fairy's lives-

CREA~K! Oh. I broke their catwalk, too…

Guess I'll just watch it hit the floor, for a moment, because that's neat. Marisa seems to have taken care of the supporting fairies with her lasers…

...CLA- CLANG!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Holy shit it's brutal down there…!

On the catwalk just above where the heroines were doin' their business, kappa and fairies ran around frantically…!

I'm gonna join them!

Vuu~m! Vuu~m! Klaxon sirens! Everything's gone to shit! Aaaa~h!

This one kappa's running back and forth repeatedly, looking busy about it! I think I'mma join her!

Before I can, another fancily dressed fairy ran past me. "The- they got Mirror-chan- they got Mirror-chan…!"

Yo, yo!

Running ahead, I keep after her! Who's this mirror girl!?

...After a moment, she brought a weird gun from off her back. "Stupid fucking shrine maiden and her sluts." Woah, okay…! That's rather unfairy-like of you, miss fairy.

Holding up the box-tipped gun, she aims down…

Fwi- Choom! She fired a series of like, electrical lookin', jerky beams down-

Zap! They hit Reimu below as she surveyed the scene-

Za- za- zapap- zap! ...Um. Reimu's jerking about in the air now-

Thud. ...And, now she's on the ground. Did… what just happened there?

...In a heartbeat, Marisa began to race over to her, a potion in her hand. The fairy began to line up another shot. Freakin', not if I-

BLAM

Ooh! Both me and the fairy jumped at that!

A line of red tells us that the bunny's snipe took out someone on the catwalk across from us.

The long, navy-haired fairy next to me gasped. "Moon-chan…! No! No!"

Tears welling in her eyes, she aimed down at Reisen instead. "I- I won't let us be…"

"Hey, hey!" I grab her shoulder, forcefully!

...Freezing, she just kind of turns to me.

"Don't be sad…" I give her a smile. "Don't be ma~d."

...She's glaring at me.

A wide, reassuring smile and some advice, dude. "Be glad! Like my friend Chad!" I gesture to the kappa still running back and forth behind me. Most of the other kappa have gone and either fucked off or just gave up on life, but not this one!

...She's mad, isn't she? She snorts out air as she glowers at me…!

"Yo- you don't know anything!" Ooh, she's very mad! Crying openly, she aims her electric gun at me oh crap-

BLAM

...Oh. There's a tiny hole in the catwalk now, where Reisen's ear piercing sniper rifle shot went through. The fairy's gone, too. Freakin' removed from reality.

Cla- clack. The gun of doom bounces off the rafter edge, and to the floor below.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

My- my limbs are still shaking…

Tugging on my arm, Marisa helps me up. "You good now?"

Clack! A dumb looking yellow gun bounced to the floor from above. Reisen must've taken out whoever nailed me...

"Ye- yeah…" Still jittery, even with that panacea she forced down my throat. Here I thought I could use this factory for something good. If they're making weapons like that, it just has to go. I can't let powerful stun guns like that get passed around to fairies.

"Ngh…" That was awful, and everything's sort of numb, but I'm okay, I think.

"You sure?" Marisa~.

"Yeah, yeah." Stop worrying about me, I'm fine, probably. "We're heading to the next room."

There's nothing left alive down here. People're on the rafters, but they're not attacking. Well, except for those commander fairies, who brought those bad zappers.

"I'm sorry I didn't see them earlier!" Reisen blurts out an apology to me, jogging up to me with her big stupid minigun-sniper rifle combo. "Are you okay!?"

"Ye~s." I'm fine, really. "C'mon."

As we whirl past smashed crates and fallen weapons, we progress to the next big door on the foyer floor-

FWOOM!

...Oh, great. These grates on the floor, before the door? Fire jets. I thought I was done with this stuff back in Hell…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Runnin' ahead on the rafters, I try to keep up with the party below-

FWOOM!

Holy shit! Great balls a 'fire!

...Well, more like shafts. That's… not a lot better.

Shafts of flame poke from the grates under the wide doorway below.

"Reimu Hakurei!" Alright, who's this cheesy boy swallowin' a microphone over the announcement system? "I ask that you leave this facility!"

Oh, yeah. That works well. Tell 'em to go away. I don't think he said please, though.

...The party below stood before the jet of flames.

"Marisa," Reimu turned to her friend. "You know any water magic?"

"...I got a few buckets in my hat." Reluctant, she just adjusted her hat, rather than dig in. "I, ah, don' really wanna use 'em. They're for if one of us get ignited."

"...Reisen?" Reimu turned to her rabbit friend.

"I'm sorry…" Of all things, yo, Reisen didn't bring any water bullets. That minigun-sniper combo needs a supersoaker function.

...Hmm. I wonder if there's any side doors for them to take. I mean-...

Hey, wait.

Walking along the catwalks, I come to the area over the fire jets. They're not very, like, powerful fire jets, but I don't think you could just fly through without burning. They were more like... tall, normal flames, kind of almost artificially pulled upward.

Well, then! Let's see if this works…

Taking out the H2O hanger, I thrust it forward, into the imposing, sort of stagnant flames!

Instantly, steam rolls out from ahead, the water vaporizing quickly. The heat from this radius is intense, but akin to a fireplace back at home, and not like, y'know, lava jets or some shit like that.

...Za- zap, zap.

What…?

The metal pad atop the big ass doorway begins to crackle, as the water slowly floats up and mats to the metal that was different to the uneven, brick-like ceiling of the warehouse room.

As it did, the flames lowered.

They lowered down to the size of more regular flames, the heat dissipating with them as the fires were reduced to the size of raging infernos rather than just walls of flame.

"...Ah?" Reimu looked over the new opening... "What happened?"

"Faulty wiring!" Marisa began to float up, to get over it. "...Oh, hey! Brett made it in after all!" Freakin'...

Floating up to the top, Marisa smiled at the water matted against the ceiling pads. "...Huh. Guess that investment paid off, huh?"

"I- I would say so…!" Hehe~y. I did a thing!

...With that, Marisa floated forward, Reimu taking after her. Reisen followed her next.

Oh, wait, they left me behind again. Ah, well. I'll just take another one of these convenient mook doors that I'm pretty sure the heroines could've taken instead of me opening the way for them.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"We've begun our evacuation procedures." A deeper voice spoke over the intercom, as opposed to that sort of gritty guy's voice. Yeah, whatever. "We hope you feel proud of yourselves."

"Yeah, we do!" Shaking a fist, Marisa yelled up at the voice.

The room was large, and lit with soft, crimson red light. Rafters hung above us, but outside of a few kappa- who've refused to hit us or anything so far- we've been left alone pretty much.

This room had to have incorporated almost all of the rest of this place, because it's big. Really big. And flat…

"Your actions have consequences." Does this guy shut up? Although, if he's just going to talk to us instead of attack or anything, this might be over quicker than I expected. Maybe I can do my grocery shopping, later today.

"S'what we call 'cause and effect', bud…" Marisa mumbled a retort as she looked around. "Alright, where the hell are ya…"

CLANG!

The room shook, Reisen and myself rising into the air as a result of the tremors.

Before us, a large machine dropped down. A large barrel poked from a turret-esque fixture on the top, and it had two big treads…

"Get out of the way of the cannon!" Reisen barked out at me. "That's a tank!" Oh.

...Vrrr~. The turret whined as it turned to face me.

Since it's slow, I'll just…

Focusing on the barrier's energy, I close my eyes and let myself drift.

It's a very weird process… and, I don't know why I feel the need to think about it right now, for no reason, but I guess I will. Maybe Alice was right about me becoming a little arrogant.

Judging my position and getting it in proportion to the Hakurei barrier, I feel myself almost flip around according to my opponent. It's like… it's like if that tank there was the the middle of a sheet of paper, and I'm on the very edge, and I'm folding the paper in half.

Once it's folded, I'm behind the tank.

It's so fast it's almost instantaneous, but now I'm right behind that turret-

BLAM. The machine rocked as it fired a massive, dangerous shot towards where I used to be.

"Woohoo~!" Liking that, Marisa gave the tank an approving nod as she whirled around its side.

Holding the minigun-sniper combo up like a mortar-

Fwoomp! Reisen actually lobbed a mortar shot from it-

FWZAP- ZAP- ZAP! The purple payload exploded against the armor, a messy spread of electric shells splashing out from the cluster mortar.

Even so, the tank didn't look really affected. It's probably more machine than electronic.

"Behold Cherry-chan T-sixteen." The intercom above us spoke. "She will be your end."

...Vrrr~. Slowly, so slowly, the turret began to turn to try and aim at us again.

"I'm sorry it had to end this way, Hakurei." I'm not sure if he's seeing what we're seeing. "I must say, it was commendable of you to fumble your way through the warehouse floor." That took ten minutes.

Fwa- fwa- fwam! Marisa lobbed a magic canteen at the tank's surface, but it didn't seem to accomplish much but make the armor's surface crackle.

"...Hey, u~h." Drifting over the turret, Marisa asked a question. "Reisen, what're tanks made of?"

"Metal." Reisen regarded her dryly. "...Since we're talking kappa, probably regular steel with the occasional doodad."

...Marisa grinned widely. "The fuck's a doodad?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

After passing through the employee-only door, I am now in the room the party of girls is in!

...Up here, I can see them floating around the complete opposite side of the tank's turret below. Man, that's just pitiful. Tanks are supposed to be like, anti-armor vehicles. Anti-armor armor. This one doesn't seem fit with machine guns even, or else, like, they would've been used, I'm sure.

Fwam! I see Marisa lob a laser into it!

Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwap. Reimu coats the outside in ofuda.

...Landing on the top, Reisen casts her gun into the air beside herself for a moment, before kneeling down and working on the door on the top. Aw, yo. Note to self: tanks have a low effectivity against magical girls!

...Up on the rafters here, I keep going until I come up to some kappa, midway through the room…

One of them looks really happy. She's got blonde pigtails! "I hope we get to make another one of these! This was fun!"

A bobby-haired, blue kappa next to her looked relatively more sedate. "...Yeah."

Stepping up to them, I wave a hand. "Yeah- hey. Tough day at the office, huh?" I am a totally normal part of the environment!

...They just stare at me. Aa~h!

"We should make another tank when we get out of here." The blonde kappa turned to her friend. "And we won't follow some stuffy book this time! We'll make it with lasers! And we'll make it fly!"

"Supposing something doesn't stop us when we get too far…" Folding her arms, the blue kappa seemed almost sad. "This place is about to get blown up, too."

"...And?" The blonde kappa didn't really care. "We'll just make new stuff!"

"Hey, you guys know anything about that tank…?" I point at it, because tank, and I thought I heard something about-

"We made it!" They replied in unison, with varied enthusiasm.

Oh! Alright.

"How do you break it?" I grin at 'em.

Cli- click. The blonde kappa pulled out a stocky gun on me without missing a beat. "Don't make me kill you, mister." Um…

...The blue-haired one's even giving me a look of scorn!

"...I, ah, what I meant was…" Oh, man, I screwed the pooch. My corn is cobbed, son. No, wait… "I mean like, how do you break it in?" There we go!

"By using it?" The kappa tilted her head. "...That was a pretty bad save."

"Yeah, I know." Freakin'... "Well- I mean, if you looked at it as a, uh, initial question, it was more of a weak casual offhand comment-"

"Don't make me shoot you just for being annoying." The kappa girl's meaner than anticipated, dude…! "If you want something, spit it out or screw off." Jesus…!

"Look yo, I'm sorry!" I didn't expect her to rip my head off, dude! "...How do you, deactivate it, then?"

...This time, she pointed her shotgun to this glass-shielded overhang in the back. Actually, one of many glass-shielded overhangs. "That balcony, I think. There's some radio controls we made for our contractor. He wanted a model tank, so we did it." At that, she nodded, sliding her shotgun away…

Oh, cool. "Alright, thank you, friend. Cool tank, by the way! Looks realistic!" Performs realistic, too!

"Thank you!" She nods again, enthusiastically!

Alright, time to roll on down to these radio controls, dude. RC tanks!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Tanks are pretty annoying.

Clo~ng. Marisa whacked her broom against it. "Reimu, ya need to ban tanks unless they like, have a gauge for danmaku 'er somethin'."

BLAM. Standing atop it, Reisen unloaded a sniper shell into the top of it, making a hole in it. "This door's sealed pretty tight… especially for such an old-looking model."

"He~y!" Hmm?

...Woosh!

From above, a blonde-haired kappa girl descended, her boots lighting up with a flair of fire before she crashed against the tank. "Stop hitting it!"

"Turn it off, then." If it's not going to stop shooting us, then we're going to keep hitting it.

She aimed her shotgun at me. "Why don't you just go away…!? You made my friend sad!"

"I'm gonna make you sad." Bringing up my gohei, I prepared to defend myself. "Cautionary Barrier!"

Casting out four ofuda, I made a pulsing blue barrier before myself-

Kablam! Golden pellets splashed from the kappa's shotgun, the projectiles consumed by my barrier.

Resting her sniper-whatever on the tank, Reisen floated off and to us, her blaster ready-

Pf-zap! She fired a scarlet shotgun spread, similar to the kappa's.

"Ow!" Gritting her teeth, the kappa began to whip her head around-

Pf-zap! Reisen fired again, floating up to avoid detection-

"Stop!" Fed up, the kappa drifted forward-

Zap! She met my barrier, the holy energy tossing her weakly to the floor.

Thud- clack clack. Her weapon bounced along her side, and she just flopped back. "Wh- why…?"

...Drifting down, I moved past my barrier to drag her away from the tank's treads. "Because."

...With her out of the way, that still left this tank. I don't think she's going to help. Kappa are very protective of their machines, usually. They'll break them themselves just fine, but if you go out of the way to smash their stuff, they get really angry. I guess this one really cares about this tank, and doesn't think it can fight us fairly. She's not wrong, either…

Bo- bo- bo~ng! Marisa gives the side of it two good whacks, before kicking it. "Reisen- can't ya order a tank 'a your own to get dropped in…!?"

Reisen was moving to retrieve her gun thing. "I only do that when we're in trouble." Or if you want to drive your tank around. Which, I don't blame you, that thing of yours is pretty cool. A lot better than this thing...

"Annoying enemies are trouble!" Hopping onto her broom again, Marisa aimed her mini-hakkero at the flank of it-

Fwa- fwa- fwam! -before unleashing another glob of magic energy similar to that canteen she threw.

"It'd suck if we had ta waste a spell card just to burn through this thing…!" Zipping over to Reisen, Marisa orbited over her… "Reisen, how do ya bust a tank!?"

"Well, normally fire would be a way of going about it…" Reisen considered. "...I mean, I could burn the undercarriage and try to ignite it… but I'd rather not just desecrate a-"

"Not you, too!" Marisa yelled at her. "It's just a- uu~gh. Do we gotta put it in an animal cage and ship it to a shelter now, ze!?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Click. Progressing through another employee-only door, I close it softly. Skills learned from high school: bullshitting, closing doors quietly, and patience. We teach our students important things, dude.

Inside here, the otherwise black and highly reflective glass was clearly see-through. The room was pretty dark otherwise, though. A dude in a suit stood ahead of me, playing with a joystick and some buttons mounted to a console before the window...

In the very back of the room was a flickering blue panel, particles of energy floating off of it as it unevenly flickered. It looks like a portal, or some shit.

Strewn about the room are some comic books and colorful things on one half, and on the other are big boy books and less weebish furnishings. Two beds, it would seem!

...Aw, the guy's pre-occupied dude. It's time for a sneak attack! Gonna go all assassin' molasses on 'em, gonna freakin'...

...Slowly, silently marching up behind the outsidey man-

I jump 'em my boy! Freakin', bring my hands up-

"Wha- what the hell!?" He bolts back and fights me dude!

But it's too late my man, I got my hands on his head, and I-... well, nngh- I…

"Get the hell off me!" Oof!

He pushes me off, and whirls around! "Who the hell are you!?"

...As it turns out, you need a modicum of strength to snap a boy's neck. All I did was probably disorient him!

"...I'm you, now!" I point at him!

"What…!?" He looks himself over for a moment, just to make sure he's still him, before baring his teeth. "What did you do to me!?"

...He has a tie. "I fixed your tie…" I pointed at his shirt. "Or tried to, anyway." It's not a made tie!

...Blinking, he gives me a skeptical glare-

"Look, uh, one of the pretty kappa put me up to it!" I shrug exaggeratedly at 'em. "It was just a prank, bro."

"What the hell…" Exhaling, he turns to the controls of the tank, before hopping on 'em again. "You need to leave. I'm busy."

"What if I…" I need to find a way to persuade this guy to go, dude. "What if I tossed an entire cooked turkey at you, and tipped you over?"

...Turning back towards me, he just has this look of freakin' revelation.

"...Are you a kappa or fairy?" ...Y'know, I don't think I've even met a male variant of one of those yet. The kappa all look tiny, anyway, and their suits make it hard to tell. Fairies I'm pretty sure are all chicks at this point.

"Both." So I pick the best answer! Freakin'- doesn't look like this slick-haired fop knows up from down. "...So, what're ya doin'?"

"Fff~..." He shakes his head at me like I'm stoopid! "Fighting the Hakurei, you…" Pausing, he faces me fully. "What is it that you want? I could always exclude you from the project, if you prove to be a hassle."

Oh shit, son. He's gonna exclude me…! "...I want a pony for Christmas."

"Get outta my sight!" He waves his hand at me! "I'll have whatever security's left escort you out!"

"You should try talking to Reimu, dude." I try to test his resolve! "She's soft, and warm to the touch."

...He grabs the air before himself! "What will it take to make you go away?"

"Something soft, and warm to the touch." I request a cuddlemuffin.

"I can give you the maiden once she fails." The man turns back to the glass and the controls. "I already know talking to these locals are useless. I've studied this region for some time, you know."

Oh, yeah? "Who're you?"

...He just gives me an incredulous glare! "None of your damn business, freak."

"If ya gimme a spin on the tank controls, I'll get outta yer hair, yo." I request tank access!

...Sighing, he actually relents! "Nothing I do seems to work. If only I brought my goddamn handgun, but no. And when the hell could girls fly!?"

What kind of research have you been doing. Apparently not enough, because I'm pretty sure even the fairies under your employ could fly! "...You mean the teleporty thing Reimu did?"

"That too." Sighing, he placed his hands on the counter next to the controls, as I got ready to mingle wit 'em… "The book I got said humans can't fly, let alone teleport. She'd be dead if the shot actually hit!"

Well son, you missed. Welcome to XCOM!

...After trying to make the tank spin- and like, actually move- I notice it's pretty slow about turning. "Oh, man, dude. This is bad!"

"It's supposed to be anti-vehicle, which you can see." Shaking his head, the brown-haired, middle-aged guy grimaced at the display. "The book said Gensokyo was filled with giant, tree-sized youkai, so I thought…"

Haven't seen any of those, yet! Also, like…

"What book?" Did he get his hands on some Touhou manga I didn't know about…!?

"The Gensokyo Chronicle." He spoke! "Published by Hieda no Aya. I'm sure you've heard of it."

Hieda no Aya? Is she like, the chick before Akyuu? That… might be more than a little old, then!

"Do ya got a copy?" I'd like to see it, yo!

"...Ah, let me go find it. Keep them under pressure." He moves to go find it. Now's my chance…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Bo~ng! Teleporting above the tank, I came down and kicked the door, but it still wouldn't budge. Man…

"Reisen…" Marisa was giving the rabbit a grin and a glare. "You say the word… and I'll explode this thing so hard it'll just be gone."

"No, don't." Standing in the way, Reisen defended it. "It even stopped attacking… or doing anything. Maybe we could just skip past it…?"

"No!" Her glare breaking, Marisa looked past her. "It's hurt my pride, ze! Now I gotta blow it up at all costs! For great justice!"

...I stomp on the door on the top uselessly, again. Hmm. Maybe we should just leave it alone.

"See?" Gesturing to me, Marisa makes an example of me. "Even Reimu's upset!"

"...I'm really not." Don't make me come over there.

Vrum- vrum- vrum- vrum- vrum! Oh- woah. The tank's actually turning itself…

"Woah!" Marisa and Reisen leap out of the way, as it turns ninety degrees with me standing on it…

Vrum- vrum- vrum.

...Once it's fully turned-

Vrumvrumvrumvrumvrum! It chugs and bobs as it plows across the grey floor, heading for the wall on the far end of the warehouse floor. Just, very slowly. This thing's not fast.

...Marisa floats up to me, and looks down at it. "What's this all about…?"

"Maybe it's retreating." Reisen theorized. "That would make sense."

We must've hurt its feelings, then. Oh well.

...I take a seat on it as it continues to chug towards the brick wall on the far end of the floor.

"I need a tank." Tanks seem like they're pretty useful for some things.

"Aah…" Reisen doesn't seem to agree, though. "I don't think so."

"Too big and too slow." Shaking her head, Marisa kept pace near us. "Even Reisen's tank's like… it's showy, which is cool. I'd want Reisen's tank! Just, not this thing. This isn't very showy, it's just, like, dead."

"The difference being a generational difference in the triple to quadruple digits." Reisen criticized her logic. "Also, I think everyone wants a lunar-styled tank…" You're not wrong.

Speaking of tanks, this one's still making for the brick wall. We're almost there, so like… um…

It's not stopping.

I float off of it, and watch it go as the other girls stop too-

BOO~M! It crashes through the bricks-

CRA- CRA- CRA~NG! -and rends metal, as it makes a dynamic exit from the battleground.

Vrumvrumvrumvrum…! It continues to chug as it accelerates into the distance, leaving us behind.

Well, guess we can ignore it, then.

"That happened!" Floating up, Marisa looked around the warehouse interior. "So, u~h…"

...I saw some kappa on the rafters, so there's probably interesting things up there. "C'mon. There's probably some room the manager sits in."

"Oo~h!" At that, she perks up. "We're gonna speak to their manager! I wanted my tank in red!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"What the hell!?" The guy's next to me again, his jaw dropped…! "What happened!?"

"They liberated the tank species, dude…!" I slam my hands on the controls! "Dude, they went like, 'ooo~ megaton-uu hammer-uu~!', and then they like, bam!"

...He looks over at me with wide eyes, before droppin' that book aside and shuffling for the portal!

"Son, hold up!" I call out for him as he freakin' just books it outta here-

Fwoa~m. The portal makes a stock sound effect as he freakin' falls through it!

Za- zap. It goes out. He killed it, dude…!

Well, while I'm here, I might as well tell bad jokes over the P.A. system…

Let's see, where the hell's- ah, this microphone on the wall here's probably what I'm looking for.

I press the button-

Oo~h. I can hear the microphone static from in here.

...Leaning over, I speak!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

We probably should've seen it sooner, but there's some glass leading to a bunch of balcony booths on the edge between the back wall and the ceiling. The rafters have access to them, so we're just up on them, now…

There isn't a soul up here, anymore. It seems all of the kappa have abandoned the place, aside from that pour girl we knocked out. Is she still-...

Upon looking down, I see she's gone. She must've fled, too.

"Aw… is this thing on?" Someone we recognize speaks over the facility intercom. "...It is! Oh shit!" Ah.

"...That's great…!" Floating along beside the rafter me and Reisen are on, Marisa stares up, looking for a speaker...

"I have… commandeered the point!" Brad exclaimed his accomplishment over the intercom. "And now we can clown around…!" Uh oh. Let's not.

"Quick. Find the room." Reisen monotoned urgently, if that's possible.

"I declare today… 'brazen fluff' day." He has instituted 'brazen fluff day', it seems.

"No~." Reaching into her suit pockets, Reisen takes out those scanner goggles she has sometimes. "Let me see…"

"Does anyone have a like, entire, already cooked turkey?" What even. "I want one to chuck at dudes!" No. No, I don't think that's allowed.

"Wh- what the hell…" Marisa, if I hear you repeat that ever, we're fighting then and there. In fact-

"Marisa, if I hear you repeat that ever, I'm gonna beat you up." I decide to tell her as much.

...She grins at me. "Y'know where I can find a turkey, Reimu…!?" Great.

"...I should sing, dude!" Reisen, find him faster. "Actually... for some reason, I'm self-conscious about that!" How.

"There." Reisen marches for the booth straight ahead. Oh, good, we could've just guessed.

"Reimu's soft, and warm to the touch." Alright- could we not? I'm gonna hit him. "Oh shit- maybe that one was a bad idea!" He even knows.

We come up to the door, Reisen leading the way…

"Aw…" We hear him over the intercom. "Don't come in, dude. I'm not decent!" What's going on, in there.

Crea~k. Reisen pushes the bland grey door open.

...Brad's standing there in his weird, all-navy blue attire, grinning at us from a microphone. "Oh, hey, you guys made it. Dinner's in the oven."

Okay. Hitting time.

...He begins to back up as I approach. "Yo- hey friend, I dunno 'bout you, but-"

Thwack! I slide up to him with speed he didn't expect, and give him a half-hearted whack on the side of the head.

"Oh- shit…!" The blow sends him stumbling anyway. "Ouch- ooo~...! Jesus..." Who's this Jesus guy, and why do outsiders keep referring to him? I mean… I know there's some kind of joke relating to Byakuren going around about it, but I don't get it.

"What's this place?" Marisa immediately romps around the place, ready to make a mess of things. Well, it's already sort of messy, but she's ready to make a bigger mess. "Oo~h, books…!"

Stepping in without comment, Reisen slides up to the control panel to the left and starts playing with it.

"Why were you here?" I'd like to know why and how Brad got here.

"...I just walked here!" He rubbed where I hit him, still. Does he still feel that? "The suit who was running this thing got outta dodge wit' that portal." He pointed to the stranded metal doorframe in the back of the room. "Probably ta the outside…"

So he saw him run off. That was probably his plan to begin with…

Hmm. "Did you find anything out?" He said something about a suit…?

"...Waddaya wanna know?" Despite me beating him up, he's pretty apt to just tell me stuff.

"Who, what, when, where, why." I run him over with too many questions.

...After looking around to collect his thoughts, he responds. "Well, the dude was an outsider, like me, wit' a business suit." He points over at the control panel Reisen's playing with. "He brought Hieda no Aya's Gensokyo Chronicle wit 'em and left it here like an irresponsible person."

...How do you know what it is? Oh well.

He's right. Looking over and picking it up, I glance the book itself over. This is… really old.

...Let's check up on what Marisa's doing.

All the books are gone. She's standing in the middle of the room, looking rather pleased with herself.

I think that's enough checking up on Marisa.

"Yo…" Brad's behind me, next to Reisen now. "Those control thingies are for the tank."

"Ah." Indifferent, Reisen nodded. "I was wondering what was the CCTV access."

"...Good question!" He just starts pressing buttons-

"No- stop!" Reisen doesn't like when people just press buttons. She lunges to grab Brad's hand with almost untraceable speed-

Fwish. A screen flares to life on the wall next to them.

...It shows a room with a lot of angry fairies, shooting things everywhere. It's almost impossible to make out, but they lull for a few moments and you can see just a mess of them. Where even was this?

"...Ah." Brad's taken aback by it. I don't know why, but he is.

While he slips past us, Reisen gazes at the action.

"...We might wanna do something about that." She leaned onto the control panel as she gazed at it.

Yeah, that's going to require a good spell card. What a mess.

...Crack! Huh?

...Looking over at Brad, I see him standing over a tiny, shattered glass box, with a red button beneath it. He broke it with a plant hanger.

"I had to press it, yo." He regarded it casually.

If that was a self-destruct button, I swear-

Vuu~w.

...A tiny siren went off, and the room turned red.

"Intruders_detected." The facility spoke to us, with a feminine voice.

"I thought that was the self-destruct button!" Brad admitted. Oh, so he did plan to screw everything up. Well, we've gotten everything we needed here anyway, I think…

Skeptically, Reisen meandered over to the portal in the back of the room. "In what event would there be a self-destruct button?"

"...For self-destructive purposes!" He clarified. "What if he felt really bad about himself, dude…!?"

"You don't get this far by just feeling bad about yourself." Stepping around the device, she looked it over carefully. "...I'm not sure how this thing works."

"Should we spli~t?" Walking up to the window, Marisa readied her broom. "Unless we could use that portal fer somethin'..."

"Probably not." Reisen figured. "We should just level the place and hope he doesn't try again. This wasn't really threatening… and hopefully the fairies will return to normal later."

...Brad repeatedly taps the red panic button with his plant hanger again in an attempt to make the facility level itself.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Please actually be a self-destruct button, yo~! I don't think we can level a factory otherwise!

...After I stop an' look around, I see Reisen giving me a smile. "Don't worry, I can call in a short-range blast cleaner, and this place'll be set."

"Aw, good." Stomping a leg onto the console, Marisa prepared to bash the window in…! "Call it in, and we're gonna get outta here!" Hey hey, yo. Going 'aw, good' is my overused mannerism!

Cra~ck! The window fell apart after she winded up a good whack wit 'er broom.

Stepping back-

Vhi- vhi- vhii~r. She trimmed the rest of the glass with a red, thin beam from the mini-hakkero. "There we go!"

Beep- beep! Reisen flicked a really old cellphone open! "He~y. Can you get my coordinates…? Yeah. Short-detonation blast cleaner. U~m, seige. Thank you!"

Click! She flipped the phone shut.

"Wha's a cleaner…?" I feel compelled to ask!

"Oh. It's a nuke, basically." That sounds- um. Oh. "More like a missile, really." Yeah, was gonna say, Gensokyo's a little small to be nuking coordinates, son…!

"Everyone on the pain tra~in!" Pattin' the back of her broom, Marisa expects us all to get on wit 'er!

Reimu hops on first, getting behind her friend. Ooo, I wanna hug Reimu, yo…!

"I'll fly with you guys…" Reisen clicks her boots together Inspector Gadget style-

Fwoom. A small surge of flame came out from them.

"Yeah, suit 'cherself, Reisen." Marisa waved 'er off.

Aw, dude! I get to snuggle the Reimu-

"Touch anywhere but my waist, and I'll have to bury you out back." ...Well. Close proximity to her is good enough, I guess…!

You know, if she never has funds for food- I assume- how does she smell nice? Hrrm. Immersion broke, son! What is this web of lies I've sauntered into!?

Positioned on the broom, I see Marisa begin to pass her mini-hakkero back. "One 'a you asses put it on my tail end. There's a slot- Brad, if you fuck it up, I'm gonna hurt ya." Aaa~h!

Reimu passes the mini-hakkero to me, and I awkwardly move to place it in the slot…!

Click! Managed to not fuck it up! I hope. That's- that's how ya put it in right? What if it-

"Seems good!" Shifting her posture, Marisa brings her legs up, prompting Reimu to do the same. And, by extension, me…!

"Comet!" Marisa's castin' a spell card! "Blazing Sta~r!" Ooh. No Master Spark from behi-

VRRRRRRRR~!

Oh my go~d!

Holy shit we're gonna-

-not crash, Marisa dipped down at the only possible fucking moment-

RRRRRrrr…

Our bodies only barely avoid getting smashed off by the freakin' rafters as we dip into the room. Well, that was earlier; now we've passed the doused fire gate, and are now under the first room's rafters, moving for the front door…

It's still closed! Freakin'-

Boom! Magical explosion right next to us! Ouch…!

Using the blast to pivot us around-

VRRRRRRRR~!

Marisa propels us back towards the other side of the factory, the new spark blaring behind us-

CRAA~NG! That took out the big door in front…!

Roaring forward, we slowly ascend, making past the doused flames of the gate once more as we accelerate into the other half of the factory-

RRRRRrrrr~... The spark starts to die out again, as we near the back wall-

Boom! Fucking- ow. Marisa pivots us around with another magical canteen blast…

VRRRRRRR~!

Holy shi~t!

Stars of blue, yellow and red whirl past us, having flooded the entire factory as we've been zigzagging back and forth…

Within a moment, my hair flailing wildly and face assaulted by Reimu's brown locks, we roar ahead through the whipping wind resistance of the factory-

Fwoom! We shoot out of the front door, making a noise as we do so…!

RRRRrrrr~... Once again, the spark dies down. We are… outside now! Trees incoming!

Now for Marisa to slow down and let us off-

"Al~right…!" Marisa steeled herself! "Brace fer impact! I'm gettin' us through these woods!"

Fucking- what!? I'm not made of steel! You better not-

VRRRRRRR~!

Aaaa~h! Branches, leaves, and tree trunks oh my-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bam- boom- bam!

Fuck- aagh- shit…!

Th- thu- thud…

Ow~...

We- well…

We… I think we crashed. Probably. Almost certainly.

Good news is, we are out of the-

BOOO~M!

What in holy oni balls was that. My ears!

I look in the direction of the factory.

...A cloud of fire rose into the air, a tremendous, column-based blast consuming the entire structure that was past the trees. I can see freakin'... metal fragments, broken weapons, and all kindsa shit falling from above.

That may not be an actual full-fledged nuke but that's some freakin'... Reisen can just do that. That's a thing she can do. Bad firefight? Ohp- lemme just, beep boop boop, see ya bitch! Holy shit.

Reisen went Duke Nukem on that place.

...Well, anyway. We got outta the woods! Bad news, I rolled around and my things hurt. Pretty badly, actua-

Di- di~ng! Someone's just casted a potion on me-

Ooh!

Reisen pats me on the back, having pulled me onto my feet. "Are you okay?"

Ow- ow. Well, now I am. Potions take a moment to do their stuff, apparently! "Ye, yo…"

Reimu seems to have been spared the brunt of the crash, dusting herself off and stealing a stare at the unholy scorching annihilation that was unleashed.

"I~ am okay…!" Having fared similarly ta me, Marisa stumbles out from around a nearby tree. "Just had ta potion up…! Didn't end up wit 'a branch through the gut this time!"

A branch through the gut, huh. Freakin'...

Reimu softly, soundlessly falls over onto the grass. "Not sure if we even accomplished anythi~ng…"

"Hey, hey…!" Gingerly bounding up to her friend, Marisa kneeled next to her. "Live, ze!" Reaching into her hat, she took out an already wet loofa sponge, and held it over Reimu's face-

"He- hey- wait-" Reimu held her hands up-

Splat. Marisa just plopped it on her.

"Pft- ack…!" Reimu swatted it off! But it was too late, yo! She had a wet face! "Marisa~!"

"I think she's alive, ze!" Stepping back, Marisa prepared to defend herself!

...Man. I give the freakin'... smouldering black remains of the nuke grounds a stare again. If that's not an attention grabber, I dunno what is.

Snap!

Oh…?

Freezing, all the girls begin whipping their heads around-

"Ayayaya~!" Oh, boy. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything!"

Aya Shameimaru, the bird tengu of fake news floats down, grinning at the girls. "Local witch wets Shrine Maiden's face! Could there be drama between the two friends!?"

"I think we found our turkey." Immediately, Marisa gave the reporter an intent stare…!

...I know exactly what to do!

Drawing my 3DS from my sack, I flip it open and start opening the photo program thing…!

"Word down the street is you've got another outsider wit'cha, for an incident this time!" With a smarmy expression-

Aya is in front of me, head between me and my 3DS. "What'cha doin'?" She smiles into my face…!

"Yo…!" She's fast as fuck, boy! Um, let's frazzle her! "You're really cute!"

"Thank you~!" She gives me a wink. "Flattery ain't gonna save you from an interview, though!" Shit!

Now a good distance away from all of us-

Woosh! -as Reimu's gohei passes my face in an attempt to poke Aya's brains out-

Snap! The tengu snaps another pic of us! "Reimu goes out of her way to get physical with outsider! Could there be tension between her and Yuugenmagan!?" Who!?

"Why~." Reimu looks tempted to assault her further…!

I will stop this nonsense, dude!

Reaching into my bag of tricks, I draw my H2O hanger!

"Here I co~me!" I announce my presence, as I charge past Reimu, moving towards Aya…!

Woosh! I swing at her, and she easily, effortlessly tips out of the way-

Splash! The constant water leak gets her shirt wet! "Eeh!?" Looking down, she notices her cloth begin to grow see-through-

Snap! I take a picture with my 3DS! "Haha~!" I wish this thing didn't make a shutter sound!

...She blinks at me. "Whah? Did you just-"

"Aya Shameimarumarumaru exposed, dude!" I wave the 3DS about! "...Yer an exhibitionist!"

In the next moment, she's got an arm around me, looking over my shoulder at the 3DS. "Ooo~, lemme see! How'd I look!?" Daa~h…!

Aya being close to me is not good for my hormones, for some reason. Quick, distract her with the photo thing…!

Ah, there we go. Aya looking like a deer in the headlights, her shirt just barely turning see-through.

"I like that expression!" She critiques my journalistic skill herself! "You shoulda waited for my shirt to get wetter, though. Heck…"

Stepping before me-

Woosh! -and nimbly evading a swipe from Reimu on the way-

Her shirt lands on my face. Holy shit…!

Brushing the perfumy garment off-

"Snap a good o~ne!" Aya brings her arms behind her head, jutting her modest chest out-

FWOA~M! Woa~h…!

Reisen fired a hyper beam from her sniper rifle, blowing Aya off into the distance, her body twirling away…

"Pfft- hahaha~!" Marisa liked that one…!

...Aya appears before us again, her shirt on again. Wha- how. "That was rude…" Her hair is slightly frazzled, although electric-like energy is bouncing across her form.

Well, anyway-

Snap! She snaps a picture of just me. "Hi!" Yeah, hi.

"Yo…" I point at her! "You don't share that photo, and I don't share your photo!"

"You can share my photo everywhe~re." Aya gives no fucks about embarrassing photos of herself. "All publicity's good publicity!" You're fake news! Well, I guess blackmail's her game. It wouldn't make sense if she was affected by it…!

"No, it's not." Reimu would rather not, yo! "You're not interviewing him."

"I am!" Aya smiles.

"You're not." Reimu protests.

"I am!" She's still smiling.

"You're not." Adjusting her clothing, Reimu gets ready to approach-

"I am!" Aya's still smiling…!

"Okay, fine." What. Reimu, no. "But you won't be able to interview us about the incident."

"Yeah, whatever!" Zooming up to me, Aya invades my personal space! "Hey, buddy!"

"...Hi, friend." I'm slightly receptive!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HALFWAY THROUGH SON ====

We began a trek towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion to drop me off! It's not too far from here, since the lake is in sight. We're on like, a plain next to it now…

Oh, right. These revised chapters are pretty long! Pro tip for those who don't already know: if you press control and F on your keyboard, you can search for specific words, phrases… strings of characters!

"So!" Aya's on the other side of me now, for some reason, as we continue towards the lake through the sometimes tall grass… "Where're you from!?"

"Home." I give her a warm smile…

...At that, she just gives me a flat stare with a still smile on her face.

Only Reimu is near us, with Marisa and Reisen a little farther ahead, instruments out as they scanned the sky for fairies…

"Where is home?" Aya tries to get more specific!

"Home." I'm not wrong, son. I give 'er a grin, too!

"...Cool, thanks." Scribbling something down on her notepad, her expression becomes a lot more sardonic!

"He's an outsider." Reimu amends helpfully!

"Yeah, and I'm a tengu." Aya gives a dry rebuke. "Thanks, obvious maiden."

...As we press forward, she turns to me after scribbling stuff down. "So~! Do you have anything to defend yourself with? Going on incidents without a weapon or something would be, well, stupid."

Aw, dude!

Reaching into my bag, I draw my plant hanger of destiny! "This is my weapon!" There are many like it… but they are not weapons! This, however… is a weapon in spirit, dude…

...Aya just has her mouth open. She's clearly awed by my superior armament, yo!

"...Do you… use it as, like, a focus?" She tries to understand my logic…

Nope. I shake my head. "Nah, yo. I hit people wit' it!"

...She scribbles that down. "Oka~y. Is that your only weapon…?"

Ye- wait.

Putting away the hanger of doom, I slowly, partially slide out the H2O hanger…

"Dude…" Hobbling closer to her, I look down at it, and whisper... "There's also this one, but…" Lookin' around, I try to make the leakage obvious and nod at her. "It leaks, dude."

"It… leaks." Aya observes plainly. "How does metal leak?" She's writin' this all down as she speaks!

"What- no, dude!" Taking it out fully, I deflate… "I whispered fer a reason! Now everyone knows, and my hanger'll never get a job in hanging plants! I'm sorry, dude…" I start petting the top of it apologetically…

"Wh-... oh." She's just got her eyebrows raised! "Um. Sorry. I, ah..."

"Now you've ushered forth the magenta apocalypse." I shake my head at her, frowning. "Now we're all gonna die."

"This interview's not helping at all!" She calls me out on my bullshit! "If you're not gonna answer truthfully, I'm just gonna make stuff up!"

"Sure." You just said that in front 'a Reimu, so even if it's something really bad, I can camp out in her shrine for the rest of my life. I'd hope.

...Stomping as she paces next to me, she pulls up her notepad again! "Guess I'll just wait on that, a little. Oh, yeah- you live in here anywhere, or what?"

"At the Scarlet Devil Mansion." I point at it! "It's Scarlet, a devil, and a mansion."

"...Oo~h." She's fine with this info! "And you're not dead yet? Huh…!" You better just be sayin' that…!

It's also not helping how Reimu doesn't have anything to say about that!

"You do any chores?" Aya makes eye contact with me…! Must gaze into her soul!

"All of them." I decide. "Every chore. It's a chore, man- I'm the chore man! I'm such a chore, man…" With this moment, I shall illustrate my madness…!

"So nothing." She half-smiles, nodding. "Sla~cker."

"You're right, dude." I let myself slouch. "I took their generosity, and I-..." Ah, shit. Running out of material…!

...Looking over at me, Aya furrows her brows. "And what? Wasted it? Failed to return it?"

"Ohp- hold up…" Raising a hand, I request she waits patiently as we near the lake…

"Eye see yo~u!" Oh, he~y! It'sa Cirno! "Ya~ pieces a shit!" Oo~h! That's... more graphic than anticipated!

"...Guess stopping that factory didn't end it, then." Reimu sighed, giving the ice fairy a dour stare as it approached the two girls ahead. Oh, so she doesn't normally swear...

"Yep." Giving Aya another smile, I just nod. "My brain stopped."

"Nn~gh…" She frowns at the fairy ahead. "This fairy incident isn't even news. It just happened!"

"Haha~!" Cirno thinks heroines funny, like strong fairy! "Eye'm gonna rip yer-"

"Fairy Destruction Ra~y!" Marisa postures herself in the air, standing up on 'er broom!

Bwo~mp. A big, grey orb floats out and into existence from behind her-

Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwam! Tiny, red star particles roar out in a fixed, predictable spread-

"Woah- ha~h, hey hey hey…!" Cirno began flapping her arms, trying to navigate it…!

Aiming her mini-hakkero up for a good moment-

Vrrrrr~VROOO~...

A huge light, not dissimilar from a flashlight or spotlight, blared out at the ice fairy over the lake ahead…

Bwo- bwomp! Two more grey orbs faded in from outta nowhere-

"Aaaa~h!" Cirno's yelling!

Pi~chun! ...That destroyed her nearly instantly!

OOOooo~...

The flashlight spark ended, the danmaku all dissipating. "Aw. She normally lives a little longer than that…" Marisa shifts her hat a little.

"So where'd you even find a hanger that leaks?" Aya's completely indifferent to the massive light spectacle, looking me over again.

"I bought it off a ragamuffin." I wanna nuzzle one, dude. They're like, tiny people.

"A ragamuffin, huh…" Raising a brow, Aya seems tempted to challenge my cryptic- "One of those dust critters, right? The soft ones." Oh, she knows, I think.

"Wit' the little shell noses?" I tickle my nose…!

"Yea~h." She nods! "They tried to sell me leaves. Like, tengu-grade. Like mine." She draws an autumn-y looking leaf.

Then, she does a casual twirl-

Woo~sh! A tornado equal to her size forms, and spins outwards before dissipating into wind!

"It was weird." With that, she pockets the leaf. Did she just cast a tornado for no reason?

"They were selling yin-yang orbs for me." Reimu joined the conversation, closing in on us… "They felt too familiar. It was eerie."

"Seriously?" Aya looked over at her with vague surprise!

We have reached… the lakeside!

Turning towards the mansion and continuing, we kept communimacating. "They had mini-hakkeros, too." Reimu provided.

"I need to get them to say something…" Aya puts on a focused face…! "They're an incident waiting to happen, I know it!"

"...I hope you're not right." Reimu wasn't in the mood for more incidents!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We have reached… the manor!

Meiling's having a sunny day, dude. By that, I mean she's sleeping, leaning against the wall. Sawing logs, yo…

However, there is a new fixture! To the left of the gate- our left, as Meiling was on the right snoozin'- there was another one of them… fluff stands, dude.

Wooden stand, identical to the last one! And, behind it, was a tiny person.

The fluffle turned to us with its eternally absent expression, its smile and eyes freakin' decals. On the upside, it has these really cute freckles, so I want to nuzzle it and die with it. Aw…

"Speak of the devil…" Reimu takes note of the little stand!

Fluffy faced friend. "hi friends" It let out a verbose exclamation.

Snap! Aya photographed it, for safekeeping. "Huh." It allows her to keep safes, dude.

"im friendly" The fluffle informs us of critical information.

"Yo!" Stepping ahead of us, Marisa places a hand on the counter! "Show me ya shit, ze!"

"this ones a creature feature" Oh. Aw, du~de!

It spread some stuff out on the counter…

Two mini-hakkeros, side by side! One pastel-blue ice one, and the other's a red metal octagon, a pad of glowing red light in its midst.

...Marisa tilted her head at this. "See? Spooky shit, ze."

"Plant hangers!" I request wares I can use!

The fluffle sweeps its fin across one one-hundredth of the counter-

This somehow discards the mini-hakkeros, a red, crimson metal hanger on the counter now.

...Red, huh. "What is it?" I'd like to know! It might be worth a buy, dude. If I had money. Maybe I can freakin' hustle Aya.

"Flamehanger!" The fluffle named the instrument. "boosts the power of fire skills! attempts to ignite objects on impact!" ...Oh. That's it, huh. Well, fire elemental physical attacks is probably better than freakin' water.

"How much, yo?" I plan to buy!

"six thousand yen" It makes a request dude.

...I look at my friends for help.

"Nope." Marisa gives me a smug smile. "Everybody gets one." Oh. So I already used it, then! "Not bleedin' me dry."

...I eye Reimu. "I'm broke." Yeah, thought as much…!

Aya~...!?

As I look 'er over, she smiles at me. "If you answer some questions about the outside for real, sure."

"Deal, yo!" If it means getting a key item, it must be essential! That, and I wouldn't mind telling her how crappy the outside is, I guess. It's almost a satire of itself, really, so I don't even have to try to joke about it to make it funny.

After digging through her pocket, she places the money on the counter! "He~re ya go!"

"insert undertale temmie reference" The fluffle scooped the money away to parts unknown. He~y, look buddy. At the time I made this original chapter, Undertale did not exist! And- considering my age when entering Gensokyo, Undertale'd not come out for another year or so!

...Man, that's gonna make the next time the universe references it awkward.

"Yeah, yeah, cool leg money, very funny." I take the fire hanger from it and freakin'... wave it at it!

"Me next." Reimu just freakin' displaces me as she centers herself before the fluffle. Lemme just put away this new Flamehanger while I'm here. Freakin'... fire, yo.

Actually, you know what? It's a damn good thing I got water first. If I ignite myself, I can put myself out now! Fridge brilliance!

The fluffle splays some stuff out on the counter, again.

"here" ...For a moment, the fluffle stares off into the distance, before focusing on Reimu. "fun"

"Fun." Echoing it, Reimu looked the orb bags over.

One was a bag of red and purple yin-yangs, the bag itself a garish purple.

The next bag was neon red, and instead of yin-yangs, the orbs were just marbles with fire decals printed onto them. Aw. Great balls 'a fire. I know I'd want to get hit by Reimu's firey balls, son.

...Pointing at the fire marbles, Reimu tilts her head. "What."

"forty five thousand yen" It prices it pretty steeply…! "Volcanic Marbles. boosts the power of fire skills. allows the user to cast Meteor Shower! changes the effects of Fantasy Heaven to unleash the weapon's true potential. deals fire elemental damage and ignites on impact."

"How do you know about Fantasy Heaven?" Reimu is now very suspicious of it! "What are you?"

"tiny" It gives the only valid explanation. "im you now"

"No." Reimu furrows her brows at it…!

"How, um…" Aya tries to interromagate it! "How do you get these things?"

"i made them" It looks proud of itself! Aw, dude…!

"No. You didn't…!" Aya is very skeptical about this! "I know so!"

"friend no" Its smile falls, and the mouth decal becomes obscured somehow, making it look like it just has freckles, a shell nose and some decal eyes.

Propping her arms on her hips, Aya issues it a challenge. "Prove it. Prove you 'made them'."

...Reaching under the desk-

-but not too far apparently, as it didn't even need to bend over to retrieve a flat… thing of grey material. Wait, hold up…

Walking around the stand… I see the fluffle standing on a tubby stool. In terms of actual height, a fluffle's like… tall enough to headbutt someone's calves. Ma~n. That's tubby, dude. The stool itself adds like three feet to it, so it can be half over the counter like a normal being.

Using its fins-

Pop- pop- crack- pop. The grey plaque it took out popped awkwardly as its formless fins pressed against it repeatedly-

Cla- cla- clack. Grey marbles rolled against the wooden counter, the fluffle having turned the plaque bits into freakin' yin-yang ball templates.

...Reaching out, Reimu takes one-

She actually maximizes it, making a big, undetailed grey ball.

"Wha- what…" Her eyes widen, and she stumbles back-

Crack! ...The orb falls down, and embeds itself in the counter.

...Thunk! This debalances the rest of the counter, and it tips over.

...The fluffle just drops its stuff. "you killed it"

"And that's good." Reimu does not like fluffles, son.

...Bending down, she picks up that garrish purple bag. "These, what're they."

"Bloodbath Yin-yang Orbs." Well, that's a name! The fluff continues, dude… "allows collection of blood in orbs to boost physical attack power up to seventy percent; stacks with other universal physical attack buffs, but not over seventy percent ever. inflicts immense bleeding on impact. non-elemental orbs. fifteen thousand yen!"

...Reimu tilts her head. "Maybe later." Ooo~.

Then, the orbs, the one that crushed the desk, all the miscellaneous debris just vanish. Oh, okay. Desk's still broke, though!

Crea~k. The gate to the mansion whines as it slowly reels open…

Sakuya's out here now, dude. Meiling's on the floor wit' a knife to her head…!

"Hello, everyone." Sakuya greets us casually. "And the tengu."

"Hey, now." Aya slowly raises her camera… "Mistress of Scarlet Devil Mansion housing boy! Could the devil have a heart after-"

...Realizing she was now holding a piece of metal instead of her camera, Aya tossed it aside! "He- hey, I was joking-"

Sakuya hurled the camera back at her from behind her back-

Aya caught it so fast that the wind from her movements almost pushed me back…! "Phew. Your time stuff's cheating, y'know."

Sakuya is now leaning before the fluffle. "And this is?"

"patrick" The fluffle gives the good answer.

"Hello, Patrick." Touhou and Spongebob crossover when? Sakuya speaks down to the fluffy being… "What is this operation?"

"patrick" The operation is also apparently Patrick.

...Sakuya doesn't know where to take it from there. Woah no.

"Just ask it fer wares…" Marisa drops her a hint. "It sells stuff."

"Really, now…" Standing upright, Sakuya's stare became more examining. "What do you sell?"

Spreading its fins out on the table, the fluffle creates some spreads of knives!

...Reaching a hand out, she lifted a neon red and crimson hilted knife, before tossing it up and down, twirling it at the same time. "How. This weight…"

Focusing on the nugget again-

Sakuya suddenly had the blade to its throat. "Where did you learn these materials and measurements?"

The fluffle's shell nose folded open, revealing dust inside.

...Aw. It's surprised, dude.

"honh honh honh" It's emitting fluffy coos.

...I just realized Reisen's still here, just kinda watching. Hoh…

"Alright…" With a parasol floating over herself, Remilia steps outside! "Last time I'd checked, I hadn't approved of a manor gate solicitor party. Sakuya, what is all of this?"

"There's a dust devil out here." Sakuya reveals! "It sells curious wares."

"Curious wares." ...Considering this, Remilia gazed at the tiny thing. "Well, let me see, then."

In response to her, it begins to splay-... What, are those gungnirs?

...Remilia's response is to raise her eyebrows! "Ah. These…"

Reaching forward, she grabs onto a blue shaft, a sharp and dangerous lookin' steel tip at the end, two edges of it stretching out a foot or two from the shaft itself.

"Gjoll." The fluffle named it, I think. Or it sneezed! "four hundred fifty five thousand yen! boosts the power of water elemental skills. increases water resistance by fifty percent. adds water element to non-elemental magic. replaces limit break with Tsunami!"

...Blinking, Remilia reeled her arm back-

Fwa- fwa- fwazap! Blue, electricity-esque energy began to run along the spear as it glowed white and blue!

SHI~NG!

Boom! The soil beneath her cracked as she lunged Gjoll into the unknown-

Boom- FWUU~SH! The tree it struck exploded into a shockwave of water, glittery, clear particles rending the trunk into many little tiny pieces.

...A few moments later, a rainbow formed! Holy shit…!

When we looked back at the fluffle stand, Gjoll was there on the desk again. Yeah, okay.

...Remilia turned to her maid. "I suppose we'll purchase some things. Although..."

Taking the spear again, she sneered at the fluffle. "Why shouldn't we simply take it?"

"friend no" The fluffle's smile became obscured again. "the fluff market crashed" What, no. The fluff market, dude...

"I don't think we should just steal." Reimu protests thievery! "Even if this thing is… weird."

At that, the vampire simply huffs. "Oh, alright. I suppose I'll humor it, for now. Sakuya~. Enough for those orbs for Reimu, that spear, and..." She blinks. "Dust thing, what price was the knives?"

The fluffle had the knives out, holding up three with one fin somehow. "Crimson Jazz daggers! fifteen thousand yen. boosts the power of fire skills. ignites on impact! adds fire element to non-elemental danmaku."

Loli vampire nods! "There we are."

Sakuya immediately has a big bag of money! "Very well."

"He- hey…" Reimu waved her gohei idly. "I never said I'd take a favor, you know."

"Consider it a gift." Remilia waved her off. "For my favorite shrine maiden."

...Then, she turned to Aya, who was scribbling! "If you publicize anything at any time, I will test my new toy on you."

Aya wiggled her eyebrows at her. "Oo~h, your new toy, huh? Is it him?" She points at me…!

...Remilia starts to glare at her! "There's no right answer with you. Just- shoo." She starts to wave at 'er.

Still scribbling intently, Aya wiggles a little as she leans into her notebook-

Shink! A silver knife's stuck in it now!

"Hua~h!?" Aya gasps!

"My mistress does not want you around." Sakuya's ready to dish out the pain, yo…!

...Pouting, Aya discarded the knife and slid her notepad away. "Oh, we~ll. I've already got every~thing I need!"

"Good. If you stay around any longer, I'd be forced to confiscate your head next, which I'm sure you wouldn't be able to live without." Sakuya glowers at the tengu…!

"I'd find a way." Closing her eyes-

Aya was gone-

Fwish! A web of knives collapsed in on where she was, fizzling out in a tiny fireworks show after missing.

"Blasted conniving…" Remilia wasn't pleased with the bird lady.

...She awkwardly twirls her new spear around! "Hrm."

Stepping up to the vampire, Reimu pocketed her new bag of yin-yang orbs. "Before we run off…"

She looks between me and Remilia. "Now that I know he exists, if you get him killed, I'm gonna beat you up."

...Smiling, Remilia stares up at her. "Oh? Why do you care?"

"He's a human. Stupid, but not bad." Reimu gives a stern nod. "Keep it in mind."

"If I must." Waving her off, Remilia looks over at me. "You hear that, boy? Don't die." Why's it suddenly my duty…!?

With that, Reimu turns around-

-only for Marisa to float past her, towards the mansion. "Let's steal their food, ze."

...Pivoting around, Reimu progresses towards the mansion. "Hey- thanks for letting me stay. You don't mind right? Take care of me~."

Reisen just follows 'em in, taking the initiative herself. Sakuya begins to trail after them, after a moment.

...Remilia's brow twitches! "Yes, well. Not… a problem."

Once they've all gone ahead of us, Remilia looks over at me! "Can you believe their nerve?"

"Yes." I understand, my man. "It's a very realistic and believable reaction to the options presented, friend."

...With that, she begins to drift ahead! "Hrm hrm." Oh- woah! Her bat flies from my shoulder, leaving me alone! "About as reasonable as retracting my intention to escort you to the dining hall. Enjoy wandering the halls." Oh, boy!

I glance at the fluffle stand-

Froo~m! It softly roars into the night sky-

Crack- Boom! ...The awkward shape it took caused it to immediately flip right over and explode on the ground. Oh, okay…!

"Nn~h…" Slowly, Meiling began to rouse, rubbing her forehead. "...Ah."

Shink! She plucked the knife out, and smacked her lips. "Good… haau~. Good nap…" Aw. Friend…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hall~ways! Wa~lkways!

Yeah, I should probably have begged Remilia to help me help her or something along those lines, but y'know, whatever. Gotta get the hang of these halls eventually! I hope…!

The scarlet halls are alive with friendly fairies, who just kinda stand around and look cute. Aw…

Cla- clang! I tense at the sound 'a some curtains falling down to my left!

"Aaa~h…!" A brown-haired fairy whines, smooshed under the tiny curtain rods. "No~..."

When they're not standing around, they're doing fluffy things! Y'know… I feel like, of the biomes I could've started in, the mansion's a surprisingly relaxed one. Although, I would like to know why-

"Slave!" ...Why the fairies are now chill, was what I was gonna say. And then there's these girls…!

Komi, the black-haired fairy maid marches out before me, her friends at her sides again. "...You're all alone, now."

Well, kind of. Daa~h…

Reachin' into my bag, I draw my operating cross…! Channeling mana into it-

London appears!

Pointing the cross at the nearby wall, I tap it a bunch. Dunno how to issue commands, so I'm just gonna hope London knows what's good!

...In response, the doll drifts over to the left of the hall.

"Hehehe~!" Koi giggles at it. "Y'know, when it's not shootin' us, that doll's kinda cute!"

...Namori brings a hand to her chest and looks tiny, barely peeking out from around Komi.

"Quiet, you." Komi uses a hand to stay her companion. "...Why don't you desire us?" She's actually tryin'a talk to me son, holy shit! "Are you retarded?" Son.

"Yes." I nod. "Actually. You guys don't seem to have the most freedom in mind, for me…!" Which is kinda ironic. Like, they're fairies, and fairies, nature…

Maybe it's these halls, or the incident. Hrmm.

"Because you needn't any." Komi argues, expression strict and even! "You're my pet."

"This is yet to be decided!" Dude, I'm pettable.

...Smiling, she narrows her eyes. "We'll make you shatter. Koi, Namori..."

Koi leans forward, jiggling her chest. "I love yo~u."

"Pl- please…" Namori twiddles her thumbs. "...I- I can't take this."

Sliding away the operating cross- as London can just do whatever- I take out the H2O Hanger, and my new Flamehanger. "I have new weapons!"

"That's great." Smile widening, Komi runs a hand through her hair. "Sadistic Sign…!" Wait- the fuck you mean she has spells…!?

"Dominatrix's Widow Maker!" Extending her arms, she drifts into the air-

Fwa- fwa- fwam! Black orbs form a rotating, atom-esque shell around her-

Fwa- fwa- fwa- fwa- fwam! These orbs form around Koi and Namori, too. They're big and sorta slow moving, but they seem to eat the light around them…!

Patatatat! As Koi and Namori near, London begins unloading from its stationary position to the back 'a me!

Strafing it, Koi moves to deal with her. "Let's pla~y, dolly!"

Namori adopts a stationary spot like, mirrored to my doll sentry. Freakin'...!

Drifting forward with her arms outstretched, Komi continues towards me.

So far, this looks pretty simple! Just, like, move through the dark crap and hit her. Alright, let's-

Fwoom. Two pitch black clones of the fairy maid split from her form, landing and walking towards me. Well, shit. Nevermind, maybe this ain't so simple-

Fwaa~m! An explosion-like blast of danmaku from Koi sends London rolling down the hall! "Hehehe~! I'm a bombshell, baby!" Well-

Chiu~m! Holy shit that was freakin'... I lean outta the way of an obnoxiously loud blue laser Namori aimed at me-

Woosh! Sliding up to me, my right arm was immediately grappled by one of the shadow clones! Woah, shit shit-

Splash. I swing the water hanger in my free arm at the next one as it whirls up to me-

Fwi~sh. The clone instantly dissipates into shadows and magic once the water hits it. Oh. So they're not very good clones…

Ou- ouch- fuck! Danmaku ring- is hitting me…!

Hobbling out of the way with the clone stuck to me-

Fwish. I dissipate it with a clumsy jab of the H2O Hanger, and freakin'...!

Alright, I can't get close to Komi right now. She's already got more clones slowly advancing towards me. Maybe-

Chiu~m! -I can beat up this freakin' blue fairy who keeps shooting blue crap at me!

Boom- clank- clatter- clank! That sounds like London just completely eating shit…! "Hehahaha~!" Koi giggles merrily in the background…

Running up to Namori-

Chiu~m! Holy shit that laser was close! Freakin', point blank cheapo shenanigans…

Weaving through the slow black shell around her-

Woosh. She lethargically throws a hand at me to batter me! "Enh…!"

Slowly, I bring the Flamehanger back-

Thunk! It clips 'er in the gut!

Fwoom! Her dress is on fire! "Wa- aah…" She… doesn't look particularly excited, actually. S'kinda-

Splash. A flow of water generates above her form, putting it out and wetting her.

...So what you mean to tell me is I've got no weapons to cheese her with right now. What the fuaa~!

Why're Komi's shadow clones over here!?

Fwish! A swipe of the Flamehanger annihilates one-

One of them shoves their featureless face into my not-so featureless face. What the-

Fwish. After dispelling this one… my vision is like a degree darker. Help.

Chiu~m!

Fuua~ck!

Lasers fucking hurt! Aagh- damn! Wow! Namori~, she hit me with a gut lase~r…!

Thunk! I hit Namori back with the water hanger as she nears-

"Anh…" She recoils, but less than any other time I've hit her.

...An orange orb drifts into our shell of freakin' pain-

Fwoam! And it enlarges, 'exploding'. Expanding piece of shit-

Ho- holy crap, I fell out of the way of that one. Alright- bail, bail! Get me the hell outta-

Fwam. One of tha' shellular black orbs hits me on the way out. God, fucking…

Splash! I swing my hanger behind me-

Fwi- fwish. Shadow thots, begone! That is… another meme I shouldn't know at this point in my life. Freakin'- now's not the time for pedantics…!

"Come ba~ck!" Koi flies after me as I book it!

"Go forth!" Komi hugs herself, then unleashes her arms again-

The black orbs of all the electron shells around the girls all scatter, before flying in my vague direction…!

Fwa- fwam. Oh my god, I'm already running ragged from all this danmaku shit. Ow~... freakin'- I just gotta keep running…! Don't turn back, for now…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bam!

Al- alright, I can't… keep running. I'm all ran out. Jesus…

Pushing open these double doors- 'cause I can fucking hide behind one of 'em, I scramble into the room-

Fwoam! Another sorta meek orange danmaku bomb goes off behind me, the orb expanding briefly in my wake as I freakin' duck and cover-

Thu- thud! The two shadow clones thump against the door I've pivoted around…!

...Alright. I think… you know what, no. I don't think! The second I say I've found a cheesing strat is the moment I find out they can clip through walls or shit!

...Crouching down awkwardly behind the door, I wait-

"Come ou~t!" Koi sings as she rounds the door-

Thunk! Since she flies I have to like, spring up with all my damn strength to jab into her gut-

"Ngh…!" Double jumping, I flail my limbs- this was not a good idea holy crap the air-

Awkwardly freakin' hitting her with my arms, I fall away from her and-

Oof. I land on my ass, but scuttle backwards quickly enough since I kinda guessed I'd eat shit.

"Wa~h…!" Good news: bomb fairy is on fire! "A- ah, Namori-chan!"

"Wha~!?" Namori calls out from outside the room, having not rushed in with her.

Now that I'm not around the door, the shadow clones come back-

Splash- fwi- fwish. Ain't no match for the water of the holy, son…!

Koi flies out of the room, flailing her limbs. "Namori-ch- chan, you stupid- help! Burning!"

Well. I've actually got a moment… to exist.

Where the fuck am I. Let's see…

Oh. I'm in the dining room. Hehe~y!

Looking across the room, I see fairies and girls give me jaded or idle stares, consuming their food as they do so. Ah, good. I'm the evening entertainment, it'd seem!

At the very other end of the table, Remilia sits with her head in her propped up arm, looking tired.

Komi stomps into the room! "Come out come out, sla-"

Thunk! Flamehanger, to gut!

"Aaa~h!" She freakin' flails her limbs-

Thu- thud. We both fall over, because I just kinda threw myself into that one to make it in time…

"Nngh…" Wincing, Komi glares into my face as we lie on the floor. "So- son of a bitch-"

Fwoom! Oh shit! Fire! Holy shit-

SPLA~SH.

...I- I'm soaked as fuck, bo~y…

Patchouli floats overhead, moving for the dining table. Oh, cool…

"Remi~." She calls out to her friend in casual monotone.

...

Eventually, she reached the approximate area of her seat! "For what reason was that bonfire I'd just passed?"

"Don't ask me." Remilia grins at her. "...And don't call me Remi before the guests. You know-"

"Okay, Remi." Patchy gives no fucks…!

...Ow. I hurt...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sun outside was seen setting from the dining room windows. We all sat at the dining table, and my clothes were kinda-sorta-not really dry.

Maybe I should be using the regular plant hanger while I'm in the mansion. So, you know, I don't irredeemably fuckin' torch my ass, or the mansion's ass.

Sakuya looked at her jagged red knives. "These are surprisingly comfortable to wield…"

...After tossing it up and down a few times-

Thunk. She stabbed one into the table.

Fwoom. It catches the spot it hit on fire.

"...Oops." She looks around for a way to put it out, for a moment!

"Ohp- oo~h… I got it." Getting up stiffly and awkwardly, because danmaku is not good for the soul, I lean my H2O hanger over the fire…

Spla- spla- splash-

Fwi~sh. It went out, dude. I'm a hero.

Y'know, I like how no one's reacting to me getting my shit kicked in. It's the real RPG life, man. I'm walking around within a freakin' tenth of my health bar, and everyone's just like 'hey bro how's the weather'.

...The water keeps flowing further down the table, because it's a pretty consistent water flow! I should maybe not keep it out!

"Wha- for crying out loud…" Reimu raises her plate of pancakes, and scoots away!

"Bloody hell." Remilia watches the water slowly creep across the table towards her. "...Water magic was a mistake."

"I apologize, Mistress." Sakuya bowed from her position across the table. "I'd neglected the incendiary nature of the knives."

...After an idle moment, Remilia looks over at me! "Put that thing away…!"

"Sorry, yo…" I slowly retract it. "I can't help it, dude- it's a medical condition."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you have one." ...A grin sliding onto her face, she glances at the three heroines as they gouge on breakfast items, before leveling her gaze at me again. "Say. Do you have any idea where those things came from?"

Do I look like the guy with the answers to any question. That reminds me- Aya never asked me about the outside. She probably will, at some point…!

"Beneath the couch cushions." I give my best guess!

"Probably." She took in a breath, interlocking her fingers… "Did you know they had no pulse?" Oh. Ooo~. "Further, they seem to not even be alive. Not in the biological sense."

"...You mean the couch cushions?" If they had pulses, I'd be worried!

"Pfft- aah…" Remilia stops herself from laughing! "...Fu- fufu. I meant the plush-based termites, silly boy."

"I dunno, dude." Marisa scratched her hair, by scratching her hat. "If the fairies're pissin' on 'em, maybe they're not so inanimate anymore!"

"That's not how it works." Sakuya countered in monotone!

...I look down at my waffles that I got. They're pretty good, yo…

"It's a little too early to worry about those things. The- the dust people, not the couch cushions." Reimu speaks up, after a moment of consumption. "They're a lot like the kedama and yukkuri, really. They've not been hostile yet, so I don't think we have to worry…"

...Remilia's eyes slowly travel to her wine glass.

"Oh, yeah!" Marisa says the first thing in forever! "Patchy~! You trace what's makin' the fairies crazy yet!?"

"Mmm." Patchy hummed in response. "...That factory you destroyed wasn't it. The actual source only appears in Gensokyo's sunlight and moon, at the times of midnight and noon." That rhyme, yo. "It would seem some sort of device appears above the Hakurei Shrine. Only for a moment, before exiting the barrier."

...Standing up, Marisa looks around a little, before focusing on Patchy again. "So how'd you suddenly learn 'a this? Last time I was here, ya had no leads!"

"It was in the air for a prolonged period of time following the factory's explosion, leading to a wildly unnatural fluctuation in Gensokyo's energy." Patchy gave her cup of orange juice a glance. "Noticing the anomaly, I observed from a distance, and the craft was plainly visible."

"You would've thought I'd feel something appearing through the barrier every day." Reimu's brows were furrowed. "Maybe this is more serious than I thought…"

"I'll stop by the shrine at noon tomorrow." Reisen announced, breaking her vow of silence she had goin' on there. "It'd be taxing if we had to keep dealing with the fairies for so long… and annoying."

...Sakuya stared at the girls blankly.

Noticing this, Remilia gazed at her maid in return. "...You may as well join them, Sakuya. This inhibits us especially. The last thing we need is an entire week of fairies ripping each other's hair out and pissing everywhere." They what. Where, no. How. Help.

Komi's glarin' at me, sitting a few seats down, and soaked! I'm soaked too, yo… well, not as badly as I was, but oof.

...Oh, frik. There's that one cyan-haired maid. She's just giving me a stare, too. Except, instead of a glare… it's just a stare. She's not touched her food, and she's just… there. Geesh.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After some time had passed, it was just me and Remilia!

I'm playing with those little freakin'... cloth bell-end doohickies that were left at all the seats. When people began filing out, I took theirs to make a masterpiece dude.

...Looking up, I see Remilia's still taking in life. Aw…

...Returning to my little party favor tower-

The remaining cloth thuds softly against the table, as a fluffle stands from it. Wha- how, how'd you get there. What. No…!

"hi friend" It's speaking in tongues…! "im home" Home…

...Leaning in, I start booping it with my nose. I'm gonna peck its freckles, son…

"Have you any course for tonight?" Oo~h! Remilia~!

...I look over at her. "...Nope!"

My energy… is okay! My legs are okay, yo. Nice and fluffy and pattable.

"I plan to be to bed soon…" Standing up, Remilia- "Hoo~h…" -yawns, actually! "That explosion to the west awoke me."

"...Yeah, I'll have a fun time sleepin' here." Freakin'... "Next time I wake up, I'm gonna drown in fairies…!"

She smirks back at me! "Hm hm. If I'm going to keep you here for entertainment, I may as well use you as such." What.

...I just stare at her as she steps past me! "...What?" She questions my gaze…!

"What'cha mean by that, yo…!?" Use me as such, huh!?

"By what?" Her gaze becomes dry…!

Y'know what, if she doesn't even know… "Nevermind, yo. I'm fluffy."

"I'm well aware." Snapping her gaze ahead again, Remilia smoothly steps towards the dining room's exit. "Come. We're going to go be bored." Oh.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It is now evening, according to the windows! The sun was setting while we were consuming, and now it is the night.

"Are you grateful?" Remilia gives me a smile. "To be housed as such, even with the fairy predicament. You shan't be slain by ravenous youkai within these walls, you know."

Aw, yeah. "As opposed to being dined on by sophisticated youkai!" I counter!

"Fufufu~." I have amused the vampire uberboss! This goes well…! "Indeed."

As we continue down the hall-

"You, boy!" Komi rounds a corner!

"Ah…" Um. Remilia, if you make me fight her again, I'm gonna shove fluffles inside your poofy hat.

...Giving me a glance, Remilia stares back at the fairy-

"Step aside, runt." Sneering at the vampire, Komi began cracking her knuckles as she approached. "Those bitches were too lazy to follow me here. I'm sure you won't think to resist my charm this time…"

As she gets closer to us, she smiles. "We don't even have to fight, boy. Come with me to my room."

"We're kind of busy." Remilia speaks up for us! "You see-"

"Little bitch." Komi glares down at her, reeling an arm back! "Did I give you permission-"

"Aside." Remilia's voice suddenly takes on a new sharpness, clear and concise. Powerful.

...Komi steps aside. "Ye- yes, Mistress." Woah.

...Shaking her head, Remilia looks over at me. "Under normal circumstances I'd punish such indignation, but in this state, they fear not even death." ...Then, she smiles! "They are still mine, however. Under my employ, they are mine for eternity."

Oh. Well then. Wait. "...S'this include me?"

"To limited extents, yes." Remilia gives me a dry stare. "You have presided here for a time, and the simple act of doing so renders you subject, especially since we've not had a formal agreement of your terms here."

Huh. "Can you issue orders to me, yo?"

"You're awfully relaxed about this." She gives me a blank stare! "If I so desired, I would take ownership of you."

Honestly, it's so early in the game, I don't give a shit. "Hoh." Have a shrug, friend.

She grins! "You really don't care, then. I half expected you to cite Reimu as your savior from such a fate. Fufu..."

Oh, yeah, she'd probably stop that, wouldn't she? Hoh.

"Although, I don't need ownership to persuade someone of your level." Ooo. She looks over at me, and since I'm pretty keen on staring into people's souls, I meet her gaze.

Y'know, she's got a rather pretty face, honestly. It's a weird mix of child-like and not. Freakin'... loli vampires.

Those eyes really are unlike anything I've ever seen, glowing with this faint, relaxing red luminescence. Her pupils are slits, which is ignorable most of the time, but now it stands out, and… it's pretty cool.

"Take a seat." She gestures ahead to something out of my vision.

The hallway's a tint darker, for some reason, as I see a scarlet couch positioned over there, against the wall.

"Alright." No problem…

...After a moment, I sit down-

Remilia stands before me, and we make eye contact again.

"Tell me your name." She asks me for my name.

"Brad." I… yeah. I feel like I'm forgetting something...

"...Last name." She requests.

…Ah.

"Hmm." Raising a brow, she continues. I couldn't answer her question. "What's your purpose with this mansion?"

"Have fun." I feel warm…

As I lean back into the couch, I continue staring into her eyes as she asks another question. "How do you have fun?"

I take a moment to consider how to answer. "...Screwing around." She should be happy with that.

...After a moment of letting me stare into her gorgeous red eyes, she smiles at me. "Hit yourself, in the face."

Cool. I bring my arm up-

Pap! Ow- fuck! Fucking-...

Why the- am I sitting on a couch…!? And I just hit myself in the jaw. Man… I can go fuck myself, yo.

Ah… wait- oh shit, I'm sitting on a couch!

"Ohp!" I spring up offa' the couch! "Don't want no fairy piss in this household, no sirree~!" I am scared of the couches!

Oh, hey, Remilia's here. When'd- wai~t just a cotton pickin' minute here…

"Come along." Smiling, her eyes dimmer again, she beckons me to follow her. "You can stare at my eyes at my room, all you'd like."

Yeah, sure. Freakin' hypnotic bullshit, dude.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in the front lobby now, for some reason!

"It is dark, now." Remilia prefaces, as we walk down the front steps 'a the lobby. "Let us do some… exploring, perhaps. That, and I have some things I wish to do."

Yo ho ho. Well, that's fluffy. I like how the halls have just no freakin' rhyme or reason. Remilia gets wherever she wants in like one offbeat turn if she feels like it.

Crea~k. The front door opens ahead of us, without anyone doing anything.

Sakuya appears! "Are you heading out, Mistress?" ...She gives me a flat stare!

"Just perusing the manor." Remilia gave her a wave. "You may follow or you may not."

...After bowing, Sakuya begins to approach us! "Understood."

Pretty soon, we're outside!

Gensokyo's sky is full, stars shining immensely brightly over the land. You can see purple and blue swirls of star dust and gas, a blanket of shimmering light giving the land a pale, dim sheen despite the dark.

Despite the increased star visibility, it is oh so very dark out here. Not too much so, but a lot more than around my old home in the suburbs!

Oh, and the moon's like, dead, 'cause it should be October Twentieth by today. I think. Maybe. It should be full in a few days.

Crea~k. Remilia casts the front gate open without so much as touching it as she walks forward. Oo~h, we're heading outside the walls…!

But, not too far. We stop at the fluffle stand.

Despite exploding unceremoniously earlier, it's back again, and pretty content, too. It's got happy freckles, dude.

"You." Approaching it, Remilia drifts up so she can loom over the fluffle, making her appear taller than me.

"hi" The fluffle tilts its entire head back to stare at her with its unadjustable, decal eyes.

"Give me my funds, and you will live." Remilia held out her arm.

Sakuya appeared behind it, ready to slit its… throat? Its head joins its body at its, uh, torso, so it doesn't really have a neck. Well, actually, kind of? Yeah, a neck seam, but like… no throat. Weird shit!

The fluffle held up its fin hands, clearly surprised. "help no"

It relaxed, despite the blade at its neck. "im fluffy"

"Tell me where my money is." Remilia doesn't phrase it like a question!

"can we be friends" The fluffle displays its smile!

After a moment of staring into its decal eyes, Remilia-

"Obey." Wo- woah. Whatever she did, I just felt like I was about ta piss myself…! "Tell me where my money is."

"Waaa~l!" The fluffle wailed at her. Aw~!

Huffing, Remilia folded her arms. "Fine. Sakuya, slay it."

Ri~p. Sakuya softly slit its throat with one slice-

Ri- rip. Its head folded back, and stuffing came out-

Fwoo~f. It collapsed into dust. They killed it, dude.

Stepping around the counter, Remilia searches for her money. "...Where is it?"

Sakuya's now a reasonable distance from the counter, watching her mistress from the sidelines.

...After kneeling down under the counter-

BAM! Remilia uppercuts it into the air! "Damn it!"

Holy shit it flew! Woaa~h!

I watch the counter freakin' spiral off into the sky…

CRACK! It landed on the spoked top of the manor's exterior walls, crumbling apart on impact.

"Seriously, where the hell'd it go!?" Daa~h… "That's just not fair!"

Sakuya sighed. "Perhaps one of its cohorts took off with it." ...I mean, I saw it just explode, money and all. You'd think some of the coins would survive, but just everything involved was vaporized, for some reason. Cartoon physics!

...Furrowing her brows-

Shi~ng! Remilia drew her new spear! "It's not like it wasn't worth it- but… ugh. Stupid fluffles!"

...She sees me just kinda starin' at her! "You know where it could've stashed it?"

"Nope!" Haven't a freakin' clue! Stash-wise, anyway, since it's vaporized. Maybe I just won't tell her that.

...Exhaling, she stands properly again, putting her spear behind her back, where it dissipates into magic. "...Mrm. Apologies for… losing my cool. These vermin are quickly leaning towards my bad side."

Pivoting around, she begins stepping back inside! "How irritating. Come, we're going back inside."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're in the halls… again! And boy are they halls, dude…!

"Du~de." I nod, repeatedly. "We should build a combat ship and sail it."

"No." Aw. Remilia looks over at me, expression dry, before continuing forward. That whole money thing seems to have put her in a mediocre mood.

"Please refrain from irritating the Mistress." Sakuya~. I'm gonna~...

I turn to her! "Can I irritate you, yo?"

"I wouldn't advise it." She's closer to me, for some reason!

Freakin'... ah. That looks like the door to Remilia's room. It's tall, akin to her throne room door, albeit a little more purple instead of just scarlet.

Komi's there, waiting! "...There!" She points at us!

...A drowsy-looking, brown-haired fairy stumbles forward. "A- aah…" She's loli-sized like Remilia, but has a moderate chest. "I'm gonna beat you up…!"

A pony-tailed fairy with yellow hair readies her dukes!

Komi sneers at the vampire. "Even if you can order me, can you order-"

"Yes, yes, and yes. Multiple times." Remilia impatiently answers her. "And, Sakuya, before you ask to discipline them, allow me a moment."

...Sakuya had her knives all ready and everything, too. She slowly lowers 'em…

Stepping forward, Remilia slowly gets closer to the fairies…

"C'mere!" Pulling out a sake bottle, the brown-haired fairy runs towards Remilia-

The bottle's gone. Sakuya is across the hall, dusting the faces of it.

...It took her a moment, but the fairy realized she was disarmed somehow. "Whah? Oh, damn…"

Komi runs forward! And-

Thunk. She kicks Remilia in the chest.

Remilia doesn't move, though. Not a budge!

Pap! The yellow fairy hits Remilia in the face, failing to make her flinch.

...Slowly, Remilia holds an arm up, her normally minimized right wing expanding-

"Hellfire!" She yells an attack name!

Fwoom! Three whirling orbs of flame spawn from within her wing's darkness, spreading out briefly to make a vertical wall…

Fwa- fwa- fwam! Each fireball strikes one fairy at a time-

Pi- pi- pi~chun! They all instantly died!

"...Fufufu." With that, Remilia continued forward! "My room is here, boy. You may spend the evening."

"Mistress…?" Sakuya is closer again, looking inquisitive!

...Remilia gives her a dry stare. "Oh, come off it. He gets the floor, and if he wishes for more, he'll be asked to find furnishing elsewhere. It's as simple as that."

"I see." Sakuya bows-

-and is gone. Aw…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I never knew how to play risk, and I still don't. I swear Remilia cheats at checkers and chess, and I swear she's got aimbot on when we play battleship!

...After a moment of contemplation, I realize something game-changing, dude.

Reaching forward, I draw the last X required for me to get tic-tac-toe.

"I won!" Yeah! Delayed fist pump!

"That makes one to twenty one." Remilia's lying on the floor in front of me, kicking her legs with her head propped up on her arm. "I'm sure your lineage would be proud."

"We're expert vampire tic-tac-toe vanquishers, dude." I wag my finger at 'er! "We find vampires, we tic-tac-toe them, then we leave. Wahaha~!" Wahaha, son!

She snorts. "Then you leave, hmm? What happened to that part?"

"Fairy rape." I nod in assurance, yo. "The worst kind of rape."

"I disagree." Remilia smirked at me. "Humans will typically beat you up, and some youkai will paralyze or kill you, before or after the fact. Fairies just want a good time. They're awfully affectionate."

...Ah. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Should probably just charge headfirst into this…

"My blood!" Yo ho ho! "When're ya gonna suck it!?"

She snorts again! "Hmm…? My, are you eager." Ah, shit. "...Unfortunately, I'm not hungry, right now." Score! Remilia is light drinker equals true in this universe, yo.

"Are you disappointed?" She tilts her head at me. "...If you're genuinely interested-"

"Nah!" Let's not do that! "I think… I'm cool!"

...On that note, I'm also curious about anotha' thing. "I'm gonna assume this interest in me's, uh…" Man, this sentence sounds-

"It's not typical, no." Remilia addresses my curiosity! "You're not a typical human." Oh.

...I blink at 'er! "S'that so."

"You're certainly more relaxed than most would be." She raises a brow as she continues… "I've met few who were open minded… although it's not unheard of for outsiders to be weird." I'm a wei~rdo, dude!

Also, I know what Touhou is and am an internet denizen. That helps.

"I'm fluffy." I decide. Can't really just tell 'er about that shit!

"Great." Her gaze becomes slanted…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Poofy pillow…

I like poofy pillows. When they get too poofy, it's a bit oof, but I like poofy pillows…

Poofy pillows are pretty good for masturba- well y'know I don't think we need to go there…! If I' awake enough for that, I'm awake enough to find out where the hell I fell asleep! Keepin' this fic T-rated, son!

Actually, I slept well. Hoh…

I look to the right-

Oh. Sleepy Remilia. She's zonked, dude. Also, she's a respectable distance away from me. Issa good thing I don't roll around when I'm on my stomach!

What time is it…? Oh, damn, no clo- well, actually, I can read analog. What kinda victorian mansion'd this be without analog clocks?

...Oh, yeah! Grandfather clock, son. Lookin' over at it, I see tha~t… it's eight in the morning! Issa roman numeral clock, too!

It's also not moving.

Shi~ng!

"Enjoying yourself?"

Hi, Sakuya. I like your red knives. They're shiny and oh boy.

...I nod at her! The knives are thankfully not that close to my throat. "Yes, actually. It's poofy." I'd wiggle my head on the pillow, but I'm sitting up!

"Explain to me why your life isn't worth taking." Oh crap- the knives get closer…!

"One!" Let's make some cases, dude! "...Remilia~ wouldn't like a flaming corpse in her bed!"

"I am an expert in body disposal." Sakuya remedies my complaint. "She'd only believe I'd cleaned the bedding at an irregular time."

Oh, good. "...Two!" Next case! "...Reimu'd be mad?"

"Not if I said it was for good reason." Sakuya shoots down that idea! Aa- ooh…! I can feel the steel on my neck. I'm a little too groggy for the panic to set in, but…

"Three!" If this isn't a good one…! "...I'm not a clingy sleeper." Yeah.

"Genuinely?" She's just giving me a bored stare! "Why were you in mistress's bed to begin with?" Success! I can elaborate!

"I collapsed of sleep exhaustion, yo…" It's been a rough few days! "I don't remember falling asleep here!"

"Well then." She's putting the knives away. Hoo~... "I'd recommend you leave here now."

A~nd she's gone!

The clock starts ticking again on the wall.

"Nnh…" Remilia starts to stir, dude. "Sakuya…?" This is your fault, Sakuya! You woke her up with all your timey wimey shit!

...Leaning towards her, I try to lull her back to sleep. "Shh~. Don't worry, little one, for the brazen fluff will rise in the morning."

She blinks her eyes open, and looks over at me.

I allow myself to deflate exaggeratedly… "Challenge failed, dude. Hello, friend."

...I-

PAP! Ooaa-

Thud! Oww~... she hit me like, off the bed and a few feet away. Fuck...

"I've got to prepare… nn~h, for the da~y…" Remilia stretches, in her pajamas. "So get the hell out, and all that. I commend you for staying true to your senses, and refraining from touching me in the night. Otherwise I'd have simply killed you."

Yeah, cool, just gimme a second to be in pain… Wait- I was that close to what now!?

...Rolling over-

Oh. Hello, cyan stalker maid. Her partially charred form is on the floor next to me, splayed out with knives in her maid outfit. I'm not the only one having a tough morning, yo...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm pretty sure I just stared death in the face and told him a really bad fart joke. Or, her in this case, I think. It'd be Komachi, wouldn't it? I bet she was waiting right outside that door, yo. Jesus fuck…!

"I'll give it back when I die, ze!" Marisa lets out a ye~ll!

"It'll be gone by then!" Reimu pulls on the buttered roll in Marisa's clutches! "I need food…!"

We're in the dining room again. I don't think I got to describe this place last time. It's big, for one thing. The ceiling's up unnecessarily high- like, sixty feet perhaps, and there's a huge ass chandelier hangin' from it.

Cleverly weavin' her arm about, Marisa maneuvers the buttered roll… "You can buy a new one wit'cha fancy donations!"

"No!" Reimu's not thrown off! "Borrow someone else's food!"

...I sit down at the table next to them-

On the plate here appears a card, some red knives splayed out on the plate.

Aw. A Christmas card. Lemme open it, dude…

Folding the blank card open, I read the plain English inside. She was considerate, even!

'Do you want to die?' Oh. That's what the card says, here…

"Yes." I answer aloud. "I wanna dye a shirt some day."

...She wrote 'that's nice' under her original sentence. Woohoo!

Another morning of cardboard waffles, dude. Just like mom used to make.

...Leaning forward, I took a bite of the card.

Cli- click. It folded in my mouth. This tastes bad.

...As I chew, I look over at Sakuya. "Mmh." Food, friend.

"What." She's got her eyebrows raised!

"Ifh- a goo' ca'." ...That was stupidnese for 'it's a good card'.

Thud. "No…!" Marisa held her arm up from the floor, her hat twirling to the side-

"Omf…" Reimu ate the roll. "Mmh…"

"Darn…" Flopping over, Marisa gave up.

"Pftuh." I spat the card stuff out 'cause fuck. "...This could use the ten gallons of syrup that went with them. Just like mom used to make 'em, dude."

Bo~ng. Sakuya placed a tub of syrup down nearby.

My plate is now a bowl, and it's filled with syrup. Sweet.

...I dip the card, before letting it sink. I ruined it.

...Grabbing the bowl, I start to drink the syrup!

Gulp. Gulp-

"Kaugh- kauf- nngh…" Too much… syrup! Turns out yer not s'posed to chug it…! Ugh…

...Sakuya took the tub of it away when I wasn't looking, leaving me with the bowl. What, do they just have a tub of syrup? Is that where they keep it? Freakin'...

"Having a rough morning?" Patchouli's giving me a dry glance from an opposite seat, and a few spaces down.

"...I'd take it to the rape trains! Today I actually get to eat 'n' wake up…!" I put it bluntly!

...She nods. "Ah." Ah. Yeah. With that, she continues eating her real waffles. Ma~n…

Oh, hey, it's Alice. She's floating into the room, moving past the table side…

"What're you doing…?" She gives Marisa a dry stare, her arms behind her back. "Did Remilia's prodding get to you, and you finally began eating like a cur?"

"Oof…" Marisa gives her a slanted grin! "You're so cold, Alice…"

...Surveying the room, the puppeteer saw me. As she approached, and stared into my bowl, she furrowed her brows. "Um…"

"Card bowl." I raise the bowl. "Good shit, dude. Sakuya's specialty."

Fwoom! Oh- holy crap! The bowl lit on fire!

"Oh- Jesus!" Flail it! Get away from me-

And then it's gone. Sakuya annihilated it.

...I give Alice a smile! "The~re goes breakfast…!"

"...Right." She steps back a little, as I get up. "I'll give you a moment."

Thanks, yo. I need a moment…!

...I pick up the wine glass positioned next to where my stuff used to be on the table. "Y'know, I'd like a drink, too…"

Oh- woah. It's a bottle of wine, now! Freakin'...

And there's a lit rag in it! It's a fucking molotov!

"Yo~!" I toss it on the table!

Crack! ...The bottle shatters, making everyone jump! There's no liquid in it, though. The flaming rag mysteriously vanishes. Sakuya's playin' tricks my boy…!

"Mu- mukyuu~!" ...What. Oh my god dude, I'm gonna die. Patchy's the snuggliest muffin.

"...Really." That being said, she's now an angry muffin!

"Yo ho ho!" Crouching down, I start navigating under the table…!

...On the other side, I pop out, and step up to Patchy.

She's got a finished glass of orange juice next to her.

"No. Back." She shoos me…!

"Are you finished with that, yo?" I point to the empty glass.

...She blinks at me. "Perhaps. If you-"

Taking it, I awkwardly tug my H2O Hanger from my sack, a~nd…!

Spla- spla- splash… Slowly, I fill the cup with the freakin' drippy droppy water from the hanger…

Once it's overflowing, I start to chug!

Oo~h. Yeah. I needed that. Is this water safe to drink? We're gonna find out!

Also, indirect kiss with Patchy, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, freakin' sharin' germs, dude. I'm gonna catch a Gensokyian virus and die.

"...Curiously resourceful." Patchy raises a brow at me. "Is that pure water?"

...I look over at her. "I have no idea…!"

The incident resolvers are just giving me befuddled stares. I just ate a card, downed two mouthfuls of syrup and choked, tossed the spontaneously flaming bowl it was in, lobbed a molotov, crawled under the table, filled Patchy's empty glass magically and drank it.

...I mean, it's a pretty good morning, all things considered. It could've gone worse!

"Tst!" Ah? Oh. Dude. Patchy just sneezed. It was like one of those little kitty sneezes…!

"You're cuddly." I would like to snuggle you please and thank you.

"Ngh… great." She wiggles her nose a little…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 3

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Weaponizer of Plant Hangers

PRIMARY WEAPON: Flamehanger - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire!

INVENTORY:

H2O Hanger - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Cast-iron plant hanger - Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.

Yin-yang Flail - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups.

NERF Dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to retreat when the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time...

==o==

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Hakurei Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks and magic. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Lots of big, unstoppable magic spells of doom! Aaa~h!

Ofuda - Reimu slaps ofuda on enemies, dealing draining holy damage. May weaken foes. Most effective on youkai, moderately effective on humans, and less than useful on holy foes.

Floating - Including but not limited to, flying, teleportation, freakin'... barriers! Um…

Hakurei Knowledge - Reimu knows a lot of Hakurei things that other people don't. Ooo~...

INVENTORY:

Gohei - A reinforced gohei that Reimu uses when she's not crushing stuff with her orbs, or slapping ofuda on things.

Shrine maiden outfit - Her armpits are exposed, dude. Ooo~...!

Bloodbath Yin-yang orbs - Purple and red yin-yang orbs. Inflicts bleeding on hit. Blood collected can boost attack power up to but no more than seventy percent, and synergizes with other attack buffs.

==o==

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Ordinary human, who happens to have spent alot of time studying magic to the point she's got a huge mana pool for unleashing heavy non-elemental magic storms.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Guess what, yo!? She can cast spell cards, too! Oh no~!

Telekinesis - Or, in layman's terms, broom magic.

Magical Practitioner - Marisa knows a lot about magic!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Mini-hakkero - Power-amplifying device Marisa uses to fuel her Master Sparks! Boosts the power of non-elemental skills. What's a full-sized hakkero like…!?

INVENTORY:

Hammerspace Witch Hat - Infinite inventory, like me, actually!

Marisa's Witch Outfit - Man, that hat is poofy. Dude…

Endless Potion Repository - She's probably got ninety-nine stacks of every healing item…!

==o==

Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid - Remilia's faithful and perfect maid. Gets all the chores done by stopping time. Insane throwing weapon skill…!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Crimson Jazz Daggers - Neon red and crimson hilted, jagged daggers. They're like mini-scimitars! Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites on impact. They don't bounce as well 'cause of their weird shapes.

SKILLS:

Time Stop - Stops all time, or something. Don't ask me!

Throwing Mastery - Sakuya's a master at throwing crap.

Spell Cards - Aaa~h! Magic is bad for Brad!

Floating - She can float. Not sure why!

INVENTORY:

Moonlight Array - Sakuya's oldie but goldie stock standard knives. Boosts the power of holy skills, and deals holy elemental damage with physical attacks. Easiest weapon for her to wield.

Pocket Watch - Sakuya stops time itself. Maybe. I don't know…!

Maid Outfit - Different and more stylized than most fairy maid outfits, 'cause she's the chief.

==o==

Reisen Udongein Inaba, the Lunatic Moon Rabbit - Experienced lunar rabbit soldier! Master of many arms, as well as gadgets!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Guns? - Reisen's loaded to the teeth! I haven't seen her commit to one weapon, yet…

SKILLS:

Plasma Field - Thunder magic, it looks like! Creates a splash of bullets coated in electricity, creating a huge messy electrical mess. Really loud.

Snipe - Attack with high critical hit rate. High accuracy.

Gun Mastery - Reisen seems to know a lot about guns!

INVENTORY:

Sniper-Minigun Combo - A massive heavy weapon with powerful sniper and suppression capabilities. Allows Reisen to unload random bullets spreads onto amateur foes, as well as precisely pick out key targets. Non-elemental weapon.

Reisen's Suit - It's a suit, with lots of pockets!

Gadgets and More Guns - Oh gee, I dunno...

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

shorter chapter mostly to have a cliffhanger for! don't worry, it wasn't alot that was cut off!

liked some of the later scenes i wrote, but only really those; 2 AM does things to ya

aside from that i dunno if i like the direction things are going, but it's alright for what it is!

dunno how im gonna handle that villain dude- not giving anything away though! hyoonk

...i should focus on making swears less prominent with the people who aren't me

see you all on the fluffside yo

==== TWO MILLION YEARS LATER ====

this went from like 14 k to 20 k words

IT GOT A LITTLE INFLATED but it's a lot less hard on the spine lemme tell ya

actual changelog:

o redid entire factory combat segment

- with additional allusion to the incident's villain!

- now with more reisen

this was generally to make it just more better while still having me be present and do some amusing things, and i think it turned out well

some allusions to things were added too because hoh hoh hoh backtracking

o redid fairies fight

it's more sane now, their attacks make more sense and i don't just somehow win; it's less clumsy and just easier overall to follow and doesn't take a million years

o redid shop scene

more people, consolidation of some revisits, finally got reimu her bloodbath orbs which i cut from the end of chapter 2, yeah

o some additional scenes with remilia that hadn't happened before

originally i found out how the incident was happening; not anymore! since patchy discovers the suspect immediately, that gave me some time to fill which i probably shouldn't have but hey i was inspired

we originally visited cirno and daiyousei and wriggle and weird stuff happened but now we just have some remilia showcasing and it's stretches disbelief a little less

o generally reworked morning scene

the other one wasn't godawful but this brad's still insane but a little more believably and tactfully so; i think i've vastly improved on the original things here

so yeah

otherwise it was a pretty fun chapter; and a pretty long one. don't wanna patronize anyone with my reminders of ctrl + f existing, but trust me, it helped me and i suspect it'll help other people, not everyone knows that shortcut and for twenty thousand word chapters that's pretty important

the combat scenes actually feel more tactfully placed and mean more; better pacing, more direction and coherence with the plot and some actual reactions

they mean less than they used to due to the scope of the work but at the same time y'know they're kinda serving a purpose and this is an arcadey video-gamey slice of life… and sometimes you just carry that RPG grindfest element with you XD it's just kind of happened lemme tell ya

so yeah!

as always, see you all next time!