(that one chapter I found something witty to say about)
In good time, we reached the Hakurei shrine… albeit early. Nothin's here yet! It just took a few moments of freakin'... running across the lakeside before we got here.
...It's real pretty here. I like the shrine's whole aesthetic, too. Japanese architecture's nice, dude.
As we gather around inside the shrine, Reimu slips under her kotatsu…
"It's eleven." Sakuya recited the time from her pocket watch. "...So we have an hour to kill."
"I've got radar." Reisen slid under the kotatsu, herself. "We'll know where the craft is before it even becomes visible."
Clank! Reisen slapped down a deep blue pad on the kotatsu top…
Boop. Light pulsed across it, dots displayed at the very center!
"I… see." Reimu gives the radar pad a curious stare. "If I had one of those, I could hide whenever someone comes to annoy me."
"Giving you lunar tech's a mistake." Reisen grinned at her…
Thud! "Hoo~h!" Marisa loudly flops onto the floor! "It's gettin' cold, ze!"
"I kno~w…" Leanin' back a little, Reisen exhales… "The clinic's always hell to get the heating back in gear after all summer. You'd think it'd be easy, with all of our technology, but the building's quality… varies."
"Yeah- I'd imagine a time warping giganto fortress would be hard to heat consistently…" Marisa droned out from the floor… "Waddaya say, Sakuya?"
...Roused from her idleness, Sakuya gazed down at her. "Hmm? Ah. We don't heat the mansion, often. We have ten different fireplaces, but we also use boiler heating, and fairy heat."
"Fairy heat…?" Reimu shifted on the kotatsu.
"...Put a bunch of fairies in one place, and get them excited." Sakuya summarized. "Works every time. The room goes up ten or twenty degrees."
"Fahrenheit or celsius?" Reisen panned her gaze over towards Sakuya…
"Celsius." Sakuya revealed. "We're european, not American."
...Reimu questions again! "What's America?"
Reisen flops onto her back, too. "Ooo~..."
...Considering this, Sakuya chooses to proceed carefully. "...I know they have a lot of businesses."
"Aw, I can answer this one!" I march ahead to get attention! "I lived there, yo! Born and rai~sed!"
...Gingerly, Sakuya faces me. "That explains so much." Wahaha!
"Boy does it…" Reisen monotones from the floor…
"So what is it..." Reimu, don't fall asleep before a big battle…!
We had ten gallon hats and shot each other all the time. It was basically Gensokyo, except with real bullets and everyone was ugly… and not Gensokyo.
"Well…!" Let's see! "We got indoctrination schools, dude. And colleges, that waste your time and drain your life energy, and you have to pay for it or you get deemed a disgrace by the entirety of the freakin'..." Let's see, what word… Hivemind? Nation? World?
"Cool." Reimu's not even listening, is she? "What do they teach…?"
"Math." I decide. "...Alright- the elementaries, they teach pretty well! Everything else is just useless and just there now 'cause money and it's easier."
"Aa~h." Marisa's almost as dead as Reimu. Alright- why's everyone havin' freakin' nap hour…!? What happened, dude!?
Everyone except for Sakuya, anyway. "...Truth be told, I don't recall going to formal school." Oh shit dude, Sakuya backstory, maybe! Are you a Belmont vampire hunter in this universe…!? A lunarian!? A ghoo~st- alright that last fanon I made up, but freakin'...!
"Hoh." I nod.
…
Alright, if everyone's just dying for no reason, I guess I will too!
...Looking around, I move for that one room that feels like it goes somewhere-
Oh, hey! After sliding the door open, I find a kitchen! Ye~s, dude…
Dude! Reimu's got a sink! With… no faucet. It's just… a bowl, in the counter. Huh.
Cool. Well- anyway, let's try the door on the right, here…
...Dude!
Rompin' inside, I come across Reimu's futon!
There's a dresser in the back, dude. Running up to it, I slide it open.
Aaw. Bindings, and socks. I'd take these if it didn't fuck with the continuity. Actually, you know what…
Does she have any panties I can take? I- oh, right. Bloomers. Man. She wears like, nothing perv-baity. Aside from exposing her armpits. Maybe someone would be into her used bindings, but that's too abstract for me. These are new too, so there's not even a point.
...I'm just gonna stuff an entire copy of her outfit in here and immediately forget that I did that. Hurray for retconning in random bullshit! Lemme just, grab these socks, a roll of binding paper, the dress… the arm sleeves... Oh, and don't even try checking the end of chapter inventory for this. I'm probably gonna forget until like, chapter one hundred or some shit.
What was I doing again? Oh, right, using her bed.
Stepping up to the futon, I lift the covers up… and climb inside!
Oh man, yo. This is snug.
...Kind of worse than a bed, but snug. I feel low down!
...For some reason, I guess I am kind of tired. Lobbing molotovs and vaguely irritating Sakuya does that. Also, we had to walk like a mile to get here- which, honestly, is pretty short. This Gensokyo seems pretty small and self-contained. Some fics make Gensokyo fuckin' ginormous. Take a day to get from the shrine to the village and back!
Whelp- I think I've done thought myself out…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
BOOM
Oo~h, shit, I'm up… what the fuck was that-
BOOM
Woa~h!
Leaping out of Reimu's futon bed thing, I look around! Who what where-
BOOM
Whatever the fuck that is, it hurts my ears!
Runnin' out of the bedroom with my bag, I snap my head around.
Vuuu~m. A low hum's coming from overhead-
BOOM
Is someone setting off a fuckin' cannon!? Alright- I gotta see what the frik's goin' on out there…!
Pick a door, any door! I choose the door that doesn't lead to the shrine's main room!
Sliding it open-
Oh, this just leads outside. Nice and sunny-
BOOM!
I jumped! What the frik-...
Oh. Lookin' to the side, I see a huge sniper rifle poking over the edge of the Hakurei hillside, Reisen lying behind it. It's mounted on the ground, 'cause it's so fucking big.
Cla- clack. She throws a dictionary-sized magazine aside, before moving to load another one…
I run towards the area vaguely near her position! Perhaps the stairs- nah nevermind I don't like those stairs! I'll just hang on the hillside…
"Yo!" I yell out at her! "What the fuck's goin'-"
Woosh! A fairy whirls past me…!
Pi~chun! Instantly, some glowing silver knives road off into the air in the opposite direction of the fairy's flight.
Crank- clank! Reisen's reloaded her sniper rifle, and is now like, fucking winding it up with a rolling lever.
She aims up at-... ah.
There's a freight-esque craft floating above the shrine, with big ass jet thrusters beneath it. It looks rickety as fuck. There're words written on the sides of it in a language that's not Japanese or English…
BOOM
Ow. My ears. Holy shit. Shit's ringing, dude.
...As the result of her shot, one of the clunky crates that was on the flanks of the craft tumbles off the side, rended from its hook-
Thunk! After rolling off the side of the shrine's roof, it smashes into the lawn. It's like, one of those metal crates, so the fall didn't do away with it.
Atop the floating craft was a really tall but fucked up looking antenna, sparks dancing off of it periodically. I think it's not supposed to look like that…
"Perimeter secured." Sakuya appears on the hill next to Reisen. "Fairies are maintaining a distance."
BOOM
Fucking ow.
Reisen's shot makes Sakuya jump! Hell, the knockback of that gun made Reisen slide back a few inches…!
The craft swung in the air from the bullet that struck it. It couldn't have been much bigger than like… two double-decker busses taped to the side of each other. Good size comparison!
Fwoo~sh! A pod roared from the underside 'a it!
Bam! It embedded itself in the front lawn of the shrine.
Boom! ...A moment later, Reimu and Marisa blew their way out of the command deck of the sorta-but-not-really tiny hover ship.
Fwii~sh! As the pod snapped open, that business-suited guy came out! "Al- alright!"
Click. Cocking his new pistol, he aimed it at Reisen…! "You, hands up!"
I'm just gonna be still and uh, wait.
...Reisen slowly stands, holding her arms up.
He began marching towards her, hurried and frantic, glancing up at the other girls… "You pieces of shit've been so much trouble. I don't even- I don't know how you…"
Once he focused on Reisen again-
Fwi~sh. From here, I could see her eyes pulse red without making direct eye contact with her…!
...Then, she just steps out of the way, as he continues towards her old position.
"Come here!" Once he was closer, he moved to aggressively grapple the air. "Got you…"
After a moment of struggling, he held his pistol awkwardly against the air, while Reisen slowly lugged her big, person-sized cannon rifle up in the background…
...Reimu and Marisa slowly drifted down onto the shrine's lawn-
"Hakure~i!" The man called out! "I have an offer you can't refuse!"
...The two girls just looked between one another!
Then, they looked over at Reisen. The bunny girl made a 'shh' gesture with her finger, as she tried to stabilize the gihugic cannon sniper rifle in her arms…
"Too stunned for words?" The man looked in the real Reisen's position, but if he saw her, he didn't freakin' see her. "Now… maybe you'll actually listen to what I have to say."
"Sure." Propping her arms on her hips, Reimu heard him out. "Not like I'll listen, with you screwing with nature and all."
"Who gives a crap about nature?" Furrowing his brows, he reaffirms his grip against the air. "Look, I can give you… so much. If you just let me… be in peace, here."
"An' what's that entail?" Marisa glared at 'em! "Just earlier ya were tryin'a blow our brains out! Wit' a real gun!"
"Because you were threatening my life and operation!" The guy barked back!
"You're threatening our way of life." Reimu retorted plainly. "This isn't your world, or whatever. You can't just walk in and start screwing with the balance."
"What do you mean, 'not my world'!?" Son, that's a little…! "Who the hell're you to say society can't advance here? There's nothing out here! Just fucking… monsters, and hicks!"
...Shakin' her head, Reimu idly shifted her posture. "That's what you think-"
"I know! I read it!" He barks back! "If this was the real world, you wouldn't be bumming out in that…" He points at the shrine. "...That place, without proper titles and money to back it!"
...Actually, aren't places of religion like, exempt from tax and shit? Tsk tsk tsk, son. Also- you didn't know what to call the shrine…!?
"It's a good thing this isn't the so-called 'real world', then." Reimu just gave 'em a sideways stare. "If you like it so much, just go away."
"...I spent too much time, and… too much, to go home empty-handed." He jams his gun into the air, pressing it against a head that wasn't there. "I'm taking her with me. Or, you could give me what I came for."
...Reimu and Marisa start to move closer!
"Ho- hold it!" He almost steps back himself, but he's on hillside, so he can't reliably. "Back the fuck up! I- I could kill her, too!"
Marisa grinned. "Are you man enough ta pull the trigger?"
...After a moment, he grinned back. "No one would know. This place's in the fuckin' sticks. Hell- it's inside a magic barrier! And if you two are the worst this place's got to offer…!"
Spoiler alert: they're not. I also like how he's not even paying me any mind over here! I don't think I'll, uh, intervene, though.
'Cause, Reisen's got that gigantic sniper rifle held up, and I'm pretty sure a bolt of anything from that will fuck this dude's week up- if it don't just murder the boy.
...Daring him, the girls stepped closer-
"Ba~ck!" He yells out at them! "I'm this fucking close! I'm-"
The girls continue to get closer!
Bang.
...He killed the air, du~de!
Holding his arms out, letting go of the air, he dropped his pistol. "Sorry~."
...Expression dry, Reimu turned to Reisen. "Take it. Lethal."
Reisen took pause at the second command-
"Alright, now…" He begins to reach into his suit. "I really must be-"
BOOM
A fountain of red- or, more like a freakin' splash, expands into the air, the shot shattering the entire skull.
"Woa~h!" Marisa's jaw drops…!
...Spla- splat, splat. The body twirled to the side a little, as red chunks descended in a cone in the direction the bullet was going.
THUNK. The shrine's gate in the background creaked as the bullet continued through it. Jesus, that's like… anti-armor shit!
Thud. The body began rolling down the Hakurei hillside, passing me by some feet…
…
Reimu sighed, shaking her head and looking away.
...I'm not sure what to think! I just saw 'em murder that boy! What was that about danmaku!? Reimu did say 'lethal', so… yo~.
...Sighting her friend's solemn expression, Marisa gave her a smile.
Sakuya appeared on the shrine path to the left 'a the whole scene. "There won't be any trials or justice for him, either, it would seem. Although, I suppose that was his punishment for so immediately breaking this land's laws…"
"Yeah…" Reimu held a hand to her chest, before stretching her neck a little. "He was an outsider… and a pretty obviously malicious one, at that. I'm… not about killing, but it's really better for everyone like this. Keeps the balance stabler."
...Reisen floated back onto the Hakurei hillside, her shot having thrown her spiralling into the air in the background! "Um…"
I just kinda walk back onto the scene! I have witnessed things, yo…!
Reimu realizes I'm here! "Ah."
...Marisa grins at me. "He don't look too tangled up about it."
"If I remember correctly, America has lots of guns." Sakuya hints at me being familiar with this sort of thing…!
"Usually people don't freakin' get their skulls shattered right in front 'a us!" I give her a grin! "And the whole world's got a lot more guns at this point, I think." Also, video games. Even still, video game carnage really doesn't prepare you for seeing it actually happen. There's an element of like, 'a boy actually just fucking died' there.
"I'm sorry you had to see that…" Reisen apologizes to me! "Rei- Reimu, we could've just… knocked him out and then killed him, if we had to."
"Same difference." Reimu waved her idea off. "...Besides. This is more honest about it."
...Still grinning, Marisa points at me! "So don't go gettin' no funny ideas, now!"
Thwack. Reimu clonked her friend on the head with her gohei! "He doesn't need to think we're ruthless murderers, here."
"Oof…" Marisa rubbed her poofy hat. "Yeah- I know, I'm just playin'. That guy showin' no remorse after just killin' fake Reisen really didn't help, though!"
"Yeah, that was the moment I felt uncomfortable about him being alive." Reimu lets us in on her thought process…!
Huh. Yeah. That was a pretty reasonable reason to blow up a boy, I guess. Pretty surreal to see it just happen, but this is also Gensokyo, and apparently following the rules is a big thing. Even so, they're not like… hard rules to follow, or anything. Don't be an asshole! Well- actually, you kind of get a license to be an ass… just don't be an all-encompassing or mean spirited asshole!
"Hoh." I'm vaguely indifferent…!
…
After a moment, Marisa begins to lumber back to the shrine. "Let's break open the spirits, ze~!"
"Wha- hey…!" Turning around, Reimu casually darts after her!
...Also, there's still that big, rickety hovercraft above the shrine. Are… we going to do anything about that?
"Are you not offput?" Sakuya's next to me, now!
...I shrug at her. "Ah, probably not." Honestly, if killing a dumbass means this place can stay unimpeded by the shitty real world, I don't care. That, and the guy was a dumbass, so freakin'... too bad so sad. Didn't know anything about the boy!
"...Hmm." She accepts this!
Setting her huge anti-tank rifle aside, Reisen starts to float up. "I'm gonna get that thing out of here. You guys can clean up the crates."
Oh, right, Reisen shot some metal crates down. The shrine's roof has dents in it…
…
Me and Sakuya step up to the crate that bounced onto the front lawn.
...Taking out some of her silver knives, she moves to undo the lock on the front. "Hrmm…"
Appearing across the entire shrine yard, she reels both arms back-
Woosh! Throwing them down, she sends a vertical spread of five knives roaring towards the crate's front, glaring streams of light in their wake-
KRANG- BANG! Woah!
Upon impact with the front, they like smashed the bar lock, although the knives proceeded to bounce off after that.
...The doors slowly swing open on their own-
"honh honh honh honh" Fluffles tumble out from within, enmasse! Woah…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"...What." Remilia was waist deep in fluffles.
We're back in the mansion, now! Also, the dust friends followed us back.
They've all congregated on the dining room floor, and are now snuggling amongst one another in a great fluff dust bath.
"The one who committed the incident was smuggling fluffles." Sakuya explained to her mistress. "Among some scantily-clad fairies, and materials no longer present on the outside."
Yeah. We found naked slave trade fairies, and rocks. The fairies really didn't care though, but the rocks were pretty upset. They're too strong to express themselves though, dude…!
...Aw. Some of them scurried up to me. They're really small...
"Hi." Friends. "...Do you sell stuff?"
...One of them began biting at the air, using its shell nose to do so, since its mouth was just a decal.
Guess that's a no.
Reimu an' Marisa… are not here! They stayed behind at the shrine, and I decided to go back with Sakuya 'cause y'know… might as well not abandon what I've got goin' here. That, and maybe saner fairies are better to be around.
...Slowly, the fluffles begin climbing Remilia. After a moment, she's almost engulfed completely.
…
Fwoof. She expands her wings and makes them flap once. All the fluffles are blown off of her, skidding and being thrown some distance away. "Sakuya, cage them."
Clang! Within a second, there's a really big cage along the room's side, all the fluffles in the room stuffed inside it. It's more mesh like than bar-like, so that the fluffles wouldn't slip out.
"Good." Dusting herself off, Remilia steps up to the cage. "...Say what you will about the other genres of pests, these are quite annoying. I cannot even detect them, due to their lack of being alive, among other notable qualities."
...Fluff nuggets.
"help"
"im soft"
"Waaa~l!" They let out dusty noises, as they wiggled about and traversed over one another inside of their cage, getting it dustier…
"Fluffle imprisonment…!" I narrate on the event!
"Quite…" Smirking, Remilia begins to turn-
"Curiouser and curiouser."
...Oh, it's Alice, standing behind us.
"You're still here…" Brows furrowed, Remilia addresses her. "For what reason?"
"Patchouli and I have been examining the transition of the fairies." Alice explains. Ah, that makes sense… "Also, those things." She points at the hell in a cell of dust friends.
"Ah." Remilia sees no fault in that. "...Well, carry on, I suppose."
Then, Remilia freezes, snapping herself around in a blur-
"And even curiouser, still!" Tha~t's a different voice!
I whirl around, too-
"What are you doing here?" Remilia glares up at the form 'a Yukari Yakumo…!
Oh, shit, that's Yukari! ...She's pretty tall!
She's got this purple an' white dress, and long blonde hair, and big boobs. And purple eyes-
"Oh, I've just come to examine some anomalies, myself." She carelessly smiles ahead at the fluffle palooza. "These past few days have been busy, busy, busy~, you know?"
"...I'd imagine." Remilia begins stepping back into the dining room's midst. "Between the fairies, the fluffles…"
"Also, him!" Yukari points at me!
"Naturally." Remilia nods plainly.
...I look for Alice, but she's already wandered off, not willing to deal with Yukari! Aaa~h!
"Hello, hello!" Turning to me, Yukari holds out a hand!
She probably knows I'm a western dude, from the land of ten gallon six shooters.
...Reaching forward, I shake her gloved hand- Oo~h, that's a grip…!
Letting my hand go, she brings her arms behind her back. "I don't recall seeing you around these parts. No, not at all." Daa~h… "Now where did you come from?"
"Home." I give the good answer.
"Excellent." If she was dissatisfied, she didn't express it, smiling jovially! "Well, you don't seem to be causing too much of a fuss. I have more pressing matters to attend to… but I thought it polite to give you a nice greeting. Why, it's almost like you've been here before, even!" Yeah, yeah, you know more than you should, don'cha…!?
"I like structures." I don't feel like breaking to people that Touhou is a game that exists!
...Giving me a puzzled grin at my statement, Yukari begins to walk off normally, yo. "I'll be seeing you around, I suppose. Be mindful of the fairies." Ooo!
...I glance back at Remilia, then at Yukari-
Yukari's gone…!
"Refrain from molesting the outsider." Remilia spoke into the air. "And keep out, while you're at it. Nosy woman."
...Looking out the window, Remilia huffed, arms on her hips. "Now, then. I should be able to catch a quick nap before the sun sets…"
Ooo. A quick nap, huh…
She begins stepping away. "Do what you will, boy. You shouldn't need anymore hand holding, with things returning to the way they were."
I see~!
With that, Remilia steps out of the room.
…
I look back at the writhing fluff cage! They're disgruntled and snuggly, dude…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
It is ti~me to wander the mansio~n!
Moving into the manor's halls from the dining room… I pick a direction and go!
Ho ho.
With a more proper moment, I look over the scarlet halls. The carpets are scarlet, the wallpaper is scarlet… the furniture is scarlet.
The paintings are of Remilia Scarlet.
Hell, even some of these vases are freakin' scarlet! Aaa~h!
I come up to a couch with some fairies scrubbing it. Aw…
"C'mo~n…" A cream-haired maid has a focused expression as she really works that fabric! "C'mo~n…!"
"Marble-chan…" A brown-haired maid with bobby hair next to her sighs. "Why did we piss on the couches…?"
So that really happened. Ech…!
"Um…" 'Marble-chan' looks back at her. "Y'know, I dunno!" She looks happy about that, too, that's the scary part!
"Hi, friends." Let's mingle like minglers, dude.
...The fairies glance at me, before going back to scrubbing the couch. Well, that's better than getting raped!
Ignoring them, I continue ahead into the boundless halls, yo…
After some moments, I come to an intersection, where a whole bunch of fairies are chit chatting!
That brown-haired one that wanted sake the other day is talking plainly. "Hey- you know, I was wondering…"
A different, tall and pastel-green haired fairy spoke to her equally pastel friends of different shades! "Yo- you know… that… wasn't bad."
"Dial-chan…" A purple-haired maid was speakin', too! "Let's go cuddle." Aw.
"A- ah…" Dial-chan locked up! She was a blonde-haired fairy, and really cuddly looking.
...As I navigate past the now idle fairies-
Aw, yo. Koi, Namori, and Komi are ahead, talking amongst themselves…
"Tha- that…" Namori- is she just rubbing her crotch. "I want to feel that, again."
"You guys were fun!" Koi leans back lazily, her chest bouncing with her movements. "Except for you, Komi-chan. You were a huge bitch."
"When am I not a huge bitch." Komi gave her a flat stare…!
...As I progressed by them-
"I- it's that boy…!" Namori points at me!
...So I kinda idly, smugly turn to them-
Koi's drifted up to me, her arms under her cleavage. "He~y. Wanna fuck?" What.
"He's not going to sit down and listen if you're that much of a slut." Komi spitefully glares at her friend, as she marches up to me, too. Daa~h…
"Aw~, c'mon…" Focusing on me again, she begins to drift closer. "I'll let you shove your head in my brea~sts, mister…"
...Mind the fairies, were the words of Yukari. Did she mean avoid!? Did she want me to fuck them!? Is it hip to fuck fairies!?
Nah, this is… too good to be true.
"Yeah, sorry, um…" Let's… not.
Pouting-
Woosh! Koi thrusts herself towards me, but I nearly fall outta the way! "Woah, no!"
"Koi!" Komi yells out! "Sit your slut ass down!"
"No~!" Koi sticks her tongue out at her! "Make me~!"
Woosh! Snapping into a flying kick-
Bam! Komi hits her in the stomach!
"Oof!" ...Cringing, Koi slowly flipped over in the air, and began lowering towards the floor. "Go- goodbye…"
"Koi-cha~n…" With a pensive expression, Namori moves towards her friend's side…
...With that, Komi drifts towards me briskly-
She grabs onto the sides of my arms with hers. "Hey, boy."
This is not much less assertive than Koi's shit…! "...Yeah, hi."
...She smacks her black lips, grey eyes staring into mine. "You're mine."
...I blink. "No?"
"Fuck." Frowning, she tilts herself and her head forward-
I tilt my head away so she only nails my cheek instead-
"Mmh…" She presses her face into the side of mine, black lips kissing my cheek-
"Mwah." Parting, she glares. "Come the fuck on-"
"That i~s very alright!" I'm spooked, dude! Time to-
She gets closer! "Just give in!" She tries to grapple me-
I poke 'er in the boob! "Yo!"
"Eeh!" She flinches, arms popping up-
I turn and awkwardly gait down the hall, 'cause that was a stimulating series of events. "Wohahaha! I can fly~ ever free~!"
"Slut bo~y!" She called me a slut, dude! "I'll make you my stool yet!" You better mean footstool and not stool stool. The first one is a maybe, and the second one is some serious nope shit…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I have no idea what time of day it is in here. Considering- oh, right, clocks. I'm silly, yo.
...There's no clocks in the halls, for some demented reason. Maybe the fairies kept fucking them.
Let's open random doors, and try and find out what time it is!
...After moving down the hall a little, I take the first door on the right!
...Ooo. It's a long room. No one seems to be here right now. The beds're all arranged against the back wall in a very economic fashion. It's the fairy barracks, dude.
On the right, there's a dresser next to a window. Just outside is a fun looking pine tree…
...This room has a clock! A grand dad clock!
I hustle up to it, and gaze up…
Three in the afternoon. Hmm. Actually, y'know, I should be finding more equips or ways to not die, while I'm here. Maybe those fairies will start trying to rape me again, or something. And, I sure as hell won't get anywhere outside if I can't resist fairies snapping my spine in two!
Maybe there's something in this room, dude!
Swinging open the dresser near where I came in, I looked inside…!
Hmm. Maid outfits. Who'd've guessed.
"Nngh…" I start pushing the dresser out of the way…!
And, behind it is…!
...Bending down, I pick up a dusty comb.
Wow, cool loot. Reeling my arm back, I toss it across the room like a shuriken!
Clack. It hits the wall, before flopping to the floor.
S'there anything under the beds!?
Crouching down, I peer under the bed nearest the window!
...There's a wrench, here. I'm too lazy to grab it!
There's some boxes under the next bed, so I gotta get up and move around it to peer under the next ones.
Again, I crouch down and peer under the third bed down-
A fairy maid crawls out. What. "Nngh…" She struggles against the carpet, before emerging in front of me. She was really petite, short, and had long pink hair…
"Wow." I stand up. "You're cuddly, friend."
...She responds by looking even more cuddly. "Oh, hey." Yeah, hey.
...Well, that's that fairy maid discovered.
While she stretches and wakes up and is just fluffy, I continue to look around. Maybe I should check one of those boxes under that one bed.
Rotatin' around it unnecessarily, I crouch down and slide out a box!
...It was more like it was gift-wrapped, in all pink with some tiny white flowers on it. Why.
Ri- rip, rip- rip! I just tear it open like a douchebag! And, inside…
Packaging peanuts. That seems a little modern, I'm gonna say. What's even in here, this box is light as shit.
After digging for a bit…! Ah.
I've found an orange. It's kinda new looking, too. One orange.
"Do you like it?"
What…!? There's a voice from behind me!
Whippin' my head around-
Hands cover my eyes, dude. "Guess who~!"
...Well. Considering I've like, never heard your voice before, this is going to be hard. "...Gerald."
"No~." Yeah, yo. Man, I thought that was it for sure.
"Spootanoota." Aaa~h!
"Hehehe~!" She likes that, apparently! "No!"
"Fluffy." Yeah, I'm out of ideas.
"No~pe." Freakin' fluffmania, dude. I do not know the answer to this question! "I'll give you a hint…!"
Yeah, I could use it! "Sure."
"...It's Hana!" Oh. That's less of a hint, and more like, the answer!
The pale hands're taken off of my face…!
I rotate around-
That cyan-haired maid who's been stalking me every night was there! Yo ho ho~!
"It's you!" I point at 'er!
"It's me!" She leaps back a little!
"Why'd ya stalk me!?" I point at 'er summore! Take that!
"Your hair is fluffy." She addresses my poofy hair. "I like you." Oh. Well, that answers everything, yo.
"I was shy before, but now I'm not!" She's a real happy sorta fairy! "Can we cuddle?"
...Well, that's pretty straight forward! "Maybe later, yo." Mind the fairies, son…! Anyway-
"Raa~h!" Oh, shit- a fairy leapt out of the box fulla' packaging peanuts! She's got scarlet hair and some chicken wire!
Awkwardly tripping out of the box, she thrusts both arms at me repeatedly in a choking motion…! Aaa~h! She's gonna strangle my ass, dude!
Quickly- the sack 'a miracles, draw a thing!
Reaching into my bag, I take out my regular plant hanger, and freakin-
Thunk! I hit 'er-
"Ha ha~!" Oh- shit, she's fallen onto me! Mayday, mayday-
"I wanna join!" Hana jumps onto us! Aah-
Oof!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
It's later in the day! A lot of the fairies around here ironically want nothing to do with me.
"Mangos are pretty good too…" Hana's just been following me around the entire time, though. She's cuddly. "But I like oranges better!"
"S'good…!" She's chatty! I'm not sure when we started talking about fruit, but we are!
"...What's your favorite food?" Aw. She's actually asked for my input!
"Food." Hoh. Actually, lemme think about it…
"I like food." She agrees! Freakin'... lemme answer ya!
"Pro~bably pizza." I decide. It's very not good for you, but it's fun.
Oh, yeah, where we are. We're currently in like some kind of a clearing in the midst of the manor, where a few halls intersect.
There's a statue in the middle here, of a spear. It might be of Gungnir, specifically. This room's got no deviating doors, but it's taller than some others in this place!
...Hana stopped to consider my answer. "Oh, yeah! That cheese stuff! It's alright…" Only? Oof. "I don't like… things that are made." Hoh.
"Things that're made, huh." What's up with this statue…!? I feel like it's hiding something, dude. I can't be arsed to figure out what, though.
"Yea~h." She nods in confirmation, yo.
...I jump onto the stone platform the statue's on! "I'm gonna figure out the secret, dude!"
"Ooo~!" Hana's excited by this! "I like secrets!" Yeah, dude!
…
Then I leap off, 'cause I dunno what to do from there! "I dunno what it is, yo."
Suddenly, I hear heavy footsteps. Oo~h…
...Lookin' up at one of the deviating halls-
A towering, tan fairy maid lumbers out, her hair brown and hey eyes mean. "Can't fucking believe…"
"Hello~!" I gamble on her being friendly! "Do you know the secrets of these halls, friend?"
...Looking over at me, she narrows her eyes. "I'll fucking break you." Oh. Guess not…!
"Rela~x, Gan-chan!" Hana steps out, and holds up a hand! "We're looking for fruit!" We were?
"You're a fruit." Shaking her head, 'Gan-chan' continues to stomp ahead, ignoring us.
Man. Fairy maids have variety to their ranks…!
...Turning to me, Hana starts tugging me by the hand! "Let's go find more fruit!"
"Wha- why…!?" I mean, I guess it's something to do…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
It's past eleven, and my strength… is fading…!
We have constructed… a fort, of tables and couches, in the midst of the hallway outside my room, yo.
Inside, Hana freakin'... messily tore into an orange that we'd thefted from the kitchen. "Mmh- mnh…" Crunch, crunch, son. "Sh' 'oo~d!"
"We are ready… to survive the night!" I decide! We've built a wall around our front and back, son. It's a beautiful wall.
...It's a little chilly. Aw, you know what'd warm us up, yo? With the candle light that's eternally lit in the halls, I get an idea…!
Standing up, I call out for help! "Sakuya~! I need tendi~es!" Wahaha~!
...Y'know, I doubt she'll answer-
There's a knock at the front of the table fort I've made.
"What have you done." Sakuya stares at the mess dryly…! "What is this."
"Home." I have made home. Standing up, I move to accept the plate of tendies. I contemplate freaking out and knocking them out of her hands, but I think I'd die, so I won't.
...Eyebrows raised as she scans the mess, she holds out the plate of tendies. "You're fortunate I'm also running morning errands for the Mistress."
Morning? "S'not morning, though…" I protest…
"It's morning for the unwaking." Sakuya gets needlessly poetic! "Here."
I take the tendies. "Get outta my room, mom, I'm playing Minecraft on XBOX!"
...She slowly furrows her brows-
"Also, thank you!" I crouch back down behind the tables…!
...I think she's gone, dude.
Hana crawls out from under some tipped over couches we had inside our fort. "Is Chief gone…?"
"Yeah, dude." I dip a tendie in ketchup. "Tendie, dude-"
She knocks it out of my hand! "Nooo~!" Reeeee~!
Aw. I just reee'd internally, dude…!
...Hana casually resumes eating her assorted fruit. I dip another tendie in ketchup, and freakin'... eat it.
Also, shit, this is good. I blame Sakuya.
…
"Mmm…" I nod. Chicken nuggets… "S'good…"
Hana's already finished, in fact, multiple oranges. "Ooo…" Ooo ooo, ooo. Ye.
Aw, let's revert to primal communication, dude! "Ooo, ooo, ooo." I communicate with my fairy friend…!
...She smiles at me! "Ooo!"
The tendies are all almost gone…
"May I partake in one?"
...Looking up, I see Yukari leaning out of a gap, rapping her fingers on the carpet before us.
"Aa~h!" Hana yells! "We've been invadatrated!" Oh, shit, son!
Holding up a banana she took, Hana lobbed it at 'er like a boomerang at point blank-
Pap. The banana bounces off 'er, making her poofy hat slide back on her head a little. "Oh, hush…" Dryly, she holds up a hand-
Ka- cling! Loud clinging noise! And…
Hana ceases to move. Like, entirely. She's frozen in time…!
...After that, the gap youkai reached forward, and stole one of my tendies.
"Reeeee~!" I inform her of her heinous error! Never talk to me or my wife's son ever again…!
"It's one or two years too early for those jokes." Yukari has mastered the art of speaking clearly while chewing food. "Not that you'd typically have the internet access to locate them in the first place. Ho hum."
"Yeah, yo." The sooner we get off that topic, the better, probably! "So what're ya doin' here?" I kinda wanna cease to exist in a few seconds, until sunrise.
"Oh, I just wanted to catch up, I suppose, with our latest outsider." Yukari reasoned, flicking the tendie crumbs from her glove by rubbing her fingers together…! "Maybe… play a boardgame, or so."
So you're bored. "Sure, yo."
I scoot my plate of tendies to the side-
A chess board lowers from a gap, resting before us! "Alright…" Propping her arms on the carpet, Yukari lied on her stomach to play the chess, half or more of her inside a gap. "You may go first."
Yeah, yo. I'm gonna lose this no matter what…!
I slide my pawn forward… and this isn't gonna be one of those works where I freakin' relay the board's numbers and letters to you! Too complicated for my tiny mind, dude!
"You've chosen an interesting genre of weapons…" Yukari immediately takes out a knight. Aw, shit.
"Yeah, dude." I advance anotha'- nope, actually, I take out a knight, too. Little did you know, yo! "Plant hangers are mightier than any blade!"
"I'd like to see you tell Youmu that." Yukari gives me a smirk, as she slides a pawn out to release her rook!
I snort, and- hold on, the first pawn I moved's gonna be in the way of her knight in two turns. I move it a space ahead!
She moves the knight past it, placing it next to it. "You've also seem to have a thing for stealing women's clothing."
"It's warm, and soft." I justify my thievery. "They can have it back when I'm dead, yo!" Reimu's also got like ten outfits in there, and plenty of bindings. And, now to move another knight out to counter that night-
She slides her knight into the space my first pawn used to be, just too far for my line of pawns to rape it. "...I won't disagree." She smiles down at the board.
Freakin'...
My knight's also ironically not in a position to get hers. Somehow. I guess I'll move it… back into its first spot-
Yukari's knight ends up right inside where my first pawn used to be, safe from being touched by literally everything due to its position. Ah, fuck. This has already gone horribly wrong!
"This would normally be Shogi." Yukari explains to me… "However, I have a feeling you wouldn't know how to play it."
Shogi…? The fuck is-... Is it the one with the stones, or the buncha tiny wooden tags with characters on 'em? Wait, the stones one is Othello. I don't know how to play either!
"Man…" Guess I'll move a pawn out so I can actually decompress everything! "People like, call this one of history's first strategy games, but…"
"Among the more simple-minded, perhaps." Yukari considered aloud. "There is strategy."
"There's some strategy and psychology, but…" I scratch my cheek. "It kinda falls at the wayside when you know every possible algorithm, or at least all the useful ones, to turn a situation around." Chess comes across more like memorization-mania at higher tiers, and I'm not really down with that!
"Fufufu…" Yukari smirks, brieflying shielding her face with a hand. "Indeed. Among a number of youkai, Chess isn't very depthful or engaging, for long. It lacks the nuances of realistic strategic planning… and while there's some things to think about symbolically, you know, the same could be said of anything of the sort."
After I moved my pawn to let my bishop free, Yukari's knight immediately ate the bishop. Freakin'...
"Yeah." I nod! "I just never liked Chess, because actual like… in-the-moment skill falls to the wayside. I mean, knowledge and memorization is part of the battle, but in the case 'a Chess, it's the entire battle. That's lame."
I move a pawn to try and freakin'... bait the horse into taking it-
Yukari moves it back into the same safe spot it had before. Whelp. Not that I could attack it anyway, unless we were using backwards pawn rules, which I don't think we are. Chess has a lot of fucked up rule variants!
"Mmm~..." She nods down at the board. "It's a game that's very into itself, by comparison to others."
...Hey, that reminds me! "You ever read a work or watched a show that was like, 'ooh you can tell your opponent's personality by how they play chess'?"
"Fufufu…" Yukari considers this! "I suppose I've seen that trope before. Well, it lets you know how meticulous they are about Chess, for one thing."
Aw, good. Hmm. That may or may not mean a lot, depending on the time period. It also might be completely unreliable. A lot of generals probably suck shit at Chess, and a lot of people who aren't generals are Chess gods. Therefore, it doesn't really help…!
"Seems more like, coincidental. To them actually being good strategy enemy people." I decide, as I move a pawn to get my queen out to do something…
"Mmm." Yukari agrees! "It was vaguely more meaningful back when it was one of few forms of entertainment for ruling classes. Now, in the age of even the most poor having the free time to study it, it's entirely meaningless."
Her knight… does not assassinate the lonesome pawn. Instead, she brings out her rook. Ah, geez…
This is how it always ends when I fight the computer. They rape my entire army with one knight, and then by the time I kill it, I'm freakin' boned. It's like trial and error as to what specific configuration I have to do against someone who knows absolutely every in and out. That's why Chess is a test of how much you've studied Chess rather than freakin' anything else.
"Chess is really trial and error…" I remark, as I bring my queen out menacingly to watch over the battlefield…!
"Is learning anything not similar, to respects?" Raising a brow, Yukari began moving that rook to snipe my pawn…
I slide my queen out specifically in line with the pawn to stand vigil! "Yeah, but like… some games can be real simple, and it's more about how well you move or how fast you think in the moment, amidst other things. Other strategy games are about like… more common and meaningful concepts like resource management, and more, like… instanced scenarios, rather than how the entire game will play out from one point... algorithmically."
...After a moment, I finish answering Yukari's question! "Chess's learning is more, like ya said, rooted in itself. Positioning's a thing but it kinda falls short of just, specifically knowing what combinations in mathematics would get a win. It's all really optimized too far for me to care."
"...To you, this is mostly true." Yukari gives me a nod, as she slides a pawn forward. Oh, fuck, her bishop's about to eat my pawn. If the pawn goes any further, it's gonna be in trouble, too! And this means the queen can't follow up, or it'd die no matter what!
"For some higher youkai, even modern outside games can fall down to predictable math, raw reaction time or knowledge of a game's inner mechanics. Although, we often have far greater potential than humans; the games weren't engineered for our kind." She gives the board a slow nod…
Hoh. Yeah. Not much to say about that! Sucks to be a greater youkai, dude… or maybe it'd be fun to demolish noobs like that. I dunno, yo. I'm not a greater youkai.
...I move my queen to try and demolish that knighty horse instead.
And then it jumps and kills the pawn that was previously in range 'a the queen.
Alright, my rook is out! Kinda stuck behind the queen-
That pawn died by a rook!
I move my rook out-
We lost another pawn, to that rook, and now- actually, my queen can take it…!
I snipe it with my queen-
A pawn opens from Yukari's line, daring me access to her queen…
...So I advance my queen back a space-
Her bishop takes it.
"Son." I've not taken a freakin'- oh, right, I took out one rook, for half my army. I think I'm fucked.
...I give 'er a tired stare. I'm pretty conked, now…!
"What do you say we call this my win?" She gives me a smarmy wink, yo.
"Sure." Ran has the power of a freakin' supercomputer. I think I'm the last person worthy to challenge that freakin' Deep Blue AI to a Chess competition. I say this because Ran and Yukari surely share some kinda dimension-link with one another. I read it on Fanfiction dot net, so it must be true!
"Good ga~me." She snaps her fingers-
The board falls into a void. Aa~h!
"It has been a pleasure." She starts crawling back into her gap, which slowly began to close. "Nighty ni~ght."
"How can ya sleep knowin' ya broke this boy, dude!?" I yell at her as she leaves!
"Fufufu~..." Her laugh echoes throughout the hallway as the gap closes. Yeah, real funny!
…
Clink! Hana blinks, her time resumed. "...Wha' happen?"
...Aw. Now I get to finish the tendies, dude!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
…
Where… the hell did I sleep…
Oh, right, carpet. That's why I feel like I slept on a carpet. 'Cause I did. It was easy, though, 'cause I was tired after that Chess title bout with Yukari.
Feels like we played Jumanji, though…! An' all my clothes are still on, which is a good sign.
There's someone on me… daa~h…
Cyan hair. It smells nice, too. Like oranges.
We're snuggled up together under the tilted over couches, hidden within our fortress of solitude. I don't remember snuggling up with her, but you know… she's warm, and not necessarily petite. Soft things press against my chest.
I really notice her wings, now. They're all tilted back so as to not get in the way. I'm bein' used as a body pillow, apparently…
Well, I didn't wake up to getting my brains fucked out, so I'm pretty content.
...I can't really get comfy again 'cause carpet, but… well, I guess this is comfy-ish. Fairy girls are soft, holy shit…
...I begin to reach my arms around to hug her closer-
"Mnh…" She's waking up…!
Oh, hi. Her eyes start to blink open…
"Maauu~..." She yawned, dude.
...Oh, boy. That breath! Oh man, that's a reminder. It was sorta… stuffy, for some reason, but also smelled like fuckin' vape pens. And I know that's not a thing in Gensokyo! A real sorta chemical, sickly flavored smell. Brief passes of it're fine, but being in a room of vape smell? Fuck ri~ght off.
Thankfully, her morning breath is brief! "...Morni~ng…" She gives me a good morning, dude.
"...Hi." I'm surprised nothing beyond cuddling has happened. I mean… right now, I wouldn't be opposed-
"What's your name…?" Hana gives me a tired smile.
Oh, yeah, good. We somehow missed that! "...Brad." I inform her, at last…!
Unconditional cuddling feels good. I feel loved, even if it's by a fairy I've literally known for a day.
She presses her cheek to mine! "Brad-ku~n…" Aa~h.
I let myself just sink into the freakin' carpet. I'm especially lazy about undoing this situation since I just woke up. Too comfy, too new and too good.
…
For some reason, she's rather wholesome about this whole thing! That's convenient, but also mildly disappointing! Not sure if I wanna blame the T-rating, or if she's just a particularly innocent- or perhaps naive- fairy.
But, despite what my body says, I am not quite ready to get my brains lewded out by cute fairies. Well, maybe, but also not. I like being whole about this Gensokyo business, and not in itty bitty euphoric pieces. Maybe if everything goes to shit, though!
…
"Mmnh…" Hana tugs herself closer into me. Woa~h…
Staring back up at the tilted sofa backings past her, I let myself sink…
…
Thu- thud, thud! Someone's pushing our walls over! Hoh, shit…!
...Oh, hey, it's Remilia.
Thud. She tips our roof sofas over, revealing us.
"A- aah…" Hana kinda stares up at her…!
"Enjoying our pleasant staff?" She gives us a wry stare…! "I'd figured it only a matter of time, before they wormed their way into your meek heart."
Yeah, yeah. "Aa~h." I let out a noise, dude.
"Well, don't mind me." She continues to step over to our back barricade-
Thu- thu, thud. -bowling though it effortlessly. "You two continue to enjoy one another. You will miss the worker's breakfast, if you don't hurry."
Oof. Not the worker's breakfast, dude.
"Ah…!" Raising off of me, Hana's actually alerted into action! "I want foo~d…!"
...Once she tumbles off of me, I just kinda… lie there. Yo~...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walked into the dining room, seeing the usual familiar faces. Fluffy fairies, and fluffy friends. I think Remilia just went to bed though, 'cause it's morning…
"Let's sit there…!" Hana points to a seat!
There's also a lotta fairies, here…!
"No~! Do- don't- nyahaha~nh…!"
"Are you fucking serious!?"
"Let's be friends…"
"You stink!"
"That was mean!"
"Hahaha~!"
"Lightingbolt- lightningbolt- lightningbo~lt hehahaha~h!"
They're all demented, and varying degrees of sexy, barring a few of them due to personal interests, and the sheer insanity some of them exhibit.
I've found my people, dude.
Hana drags me by the hand, lugging me over to one of the seats…
She ends up taking me near this pink-haired fairy that was in that one room the other day. Komi's on the left of Hana's seat…
We sit down!
"Hey, Komi-chan!" Hana knows her!
"Fuck you." Oh. Komi apparently doesn't know her…!
"Hehehe~!" Hana seems to not give any fucks…!
...Aw. My plate has a real, fluffy waffle on it. And some milk to go with it. Does Gensokyo even have cows? Wait. Cow girls. Oh my go~d!
...There's the scent of breakfast stuffs, and then the scent 'a perfume. There's a lot of both…!
Hana's got an array of fruits on her plate, apparently. Other fairies're having cereals, or toast, or other things…
Oh, hey! Patchy's picking another chair across but not too far from me…!
...She seems to almost warily sit between two fairies, brows furrowed and a hand near her head-
Splat!
...She stops a whole pie from striking her with a barely luminescent barrier of magic. "Sakuya~."
Pi~chun! The yellow-haired fairy that tossed it was instantly removed from reality. "My apologies, lady Patchouli." Sakuya bowed next to her.
"There is nothing to apologize for." Getting comfy in her chair, Patchy exhales. "Fairies will be fairies. I had set that one particularly off the other day, for breaching my peace."
"Mmm." Rising, Sakuya begins to step off. "You all behave."
"Yes, chief!" There's a mix of salutes, both verbal and gesturally!
I start eating my fluffy waffles…
Everyone's quieter now, after Sakuya's statement and presence, leaving us to eat in hushed silence.
…
"Aaaa~h!" Someone screams!
The low murmur of fairy chatter immediately erupts into a loud hum again…!
...Patchy gives the loud fairies near her dour stares.
"So- there I fuckin' was, right…!?" This fairy with neon red hair, done up in a long ponytail, was talking with her beige-haired friend. "I was runnin' along, ready ta fuckin' clean her clit, an' then- like, all've a sudden-...!"
Patchy holds a hand out, a faint blue aura encapsulating the fairy's head.
After a second, the fairy stopped making noise, but she kept talking, pancake particles splashing out of her mouth. Y'better eat those pancakes before someone else does…!
"Um…" Her friend held a hand to her mouth!
Hana leans past me! "There's my friend, Love-chan!" She points at the poofy pink fairy next to me. Love-chan.
...I look over at her, and the fairy just shrinks back. Aw…
"She's shy, sometimes." Hana gives her a smile and a nod… "Oh, and that's lady Patchouli!" Then, she points at Patchy! "Hi~ lady Patchouli~!"
"...Hi." Patchy doesn't bother to wave back…!
"She's also shy." Givin' me a smile, Hana sinks her teeth into a piece of melon on her plate. "...Mh- nfh- nn- nn- nn!" Wat. Anyway- I think Patchy's more dead inside than just shy…!
…
After we've consumed some food, some fairies begin filing out.
"Why can't we just burn the couches…?"
"Mistress is hiding something! We should be ripping open the couches!"
"The truth come out! Does chief is gay…!?"
Patchy's finished her own waffles, and so have I! I think it's time for me to get rollin' soon. On what? I dunno- just get rollin'!
"I'm ready to start today…!" Hana slowly rises from her chair, dude.
...Outta the corner 'a my eye, I see Koi gradually stalk around the back of us, making for my chair.
I stand up, turnin' ta her!
"Can I put my rack on your head?" She gives me an innocent smile. "They're tired." What even.
I point at Hana. "Use her head…!" Her head is made for resting racks on!
And then-
Oh, woah! Someone freakin'- what is this!?
Someone put a thing on my head-... oh. Panties. What the fuck-
"Hehehe~!" As I turn, I see a fairy flying off through the freakin' leg holes of the yellow panties. Freakin'- it's that marble-haired fairy from earlier…!
I rip 'em off! "Freakin'- alright, noobs! Who's big idea was it!?" I turn around-
Koi's escaped! The scoundrel fairy!
"Hehehe~!" Hana thinks it's funny! "They're just teasing you, Brad-kun." Why kun. No one uses -san! And I've yet to see anyone use -sama!
...These panties smell of vanilla. I insert them into my empty cup of milk! "Freakin', no, yo! Sakuya, help!"
The cup of milk was replaced with another fake molotov, this one unlit. It's got chicken nuggets smeared on its sides.
"...Okay, why." It takes me a moment to gauge what I'm seeing! "...Your sense 'a humor's weird, dude." I'm not even gonna pick that up!
"I'm more puzzled about the fact you decided to sniff the panties before discarding them." ...The one time Patchy speaks, and it's to freakin' destroy me. Oof.
Freakin'... as I slide out of my chair, a short midget fairy walks up to me, and looks up at me. She's got like, bobby blue hair…
I stare down at the three foot tall fairy. "Wow, you're tiny…"
Click. She undoes her belt, and drops her skirt, revealing blue panties.
...I look at Hana. "Your friend's fuckin' wei~rd, du~de…!"
She gives me a smile. "That's Skirt-chan." Skirt-chan!? "...She never talks. I think she's shy."
Just dropped her skirt in front of me and you call her shy. Also- she's the only fairy with a belt…!
Standing herself, Komi approaches Skirt-chan. "Oh, there you go again…"
Kneeling down, she starts lifting Skirt-chan's skirt up for her. "Damn belt didn't do anything."
...Skirt-chan just stares idly at Komi as she fixes the fairy's skirt.
Click. Komi reattached the belt!
…
Click. Unbuckling it again, the fairy dropped her skirt.
Komi just sighs, folding her arms.
"Hehehe~!" Hana also thinks this is funny! "Skirt-chan's funny…"
"You're funny." With that, Komi begins to walk off. Hoh…
...I look over at Patchy as she begins to stand. She's cuddly, dude.
"Yo, I should light this!" I regard the molotov loudly! And- lemme grab a napkin before I lift it so I don't get cold chicken nugget matter on my hands…
As I grab the napkin-
The molotov floats up and away, a blue aura around it.
…
"Ghoo~sts!" Holy shit!
"Not on my watch." Patchy refuses to let me light it. "For my general health and wellbeing."
Aw. Snuggly…
...Once she drifts off, I think I know our next destination!
Hana puts a hand on my shoulder. "Lady Patchouli's like that, sometimes. She's really soft."
Really soft, huh…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
After meandering through the halls for an indefinite period of time, I reach the doors to Patchy's library once more!
They are still shut. The hole I mined into them the other day is now closed, grey plaster filling the void I'd slowly whittled into it. Man…
I move to knock-
Ti~ng! Some magic barrier bullshit reflects my fist. Freakin', why.
"Oh, lemme…" Hana reaches for the handle-
Ti~ng! She's reflected, too! "Wha~h!?" And she's surprised about it! "Noo~!"
Ti- ti- ti- ti~ng! She batters the door with her fists, but it doesn't work!
...It's time to yell! "Sakuya~!"
"Chie~f!" Hana yells, too!
…
What. No answer…! They got her, dude!
That's it, yo. Pulling out my plant hanger, I reel it back… and chuck it at the door!
Ti~ng! Oh, shit-
I duck. The hanger flies over my head…!
Taking out the H2O hanger, I swing it at the door-
Splash! Water meets the barrier-
Ti~ng! A~nd water meets me. Oof. Freakin' reflect barriers-
Crea~k. The door slowly opens. A fairy maid steps out, except her attire's new. Instead've a maid outfit, she's got little boots, and a hard hat. Still got the maid dress, but it's a little more economic. As in, less frills, less poofy stuff, s'more fit for like, work.
"Hey, hey…" She frowns at the water my hanger's leaking all over the place! "I'll have to clean this rug…"
Cli- cli- click. She tugs a blue bucket with wheels from behind her, which was full 'a brushes and stuff. She's got those yellow kitchen gloves on, and is tuggin' the bucket along by a mop handle. Hoh!
"Oo~h!" Hana smiles at her! "Thank you, Janitor-chan!" Why are most of you named very aptly!?
With that, Janitor-chan moved to close the door-
I stuck my foot in it! "Al~right! I'mma just… put this away." I put away the water hanger. "Thanks for lettin' us in, yo!"
...The fairy furrowed her brows. "I dunno if you're supposed to be-"
Hana swings the door open fuller, and barrels past us! "Let's explore!"
...With that, I take off after her, shuttin' the door behind us! Apparently some of the fairies here do work! Or maybe it was just that one.
Anyway, library! And… it's still pretty big.
Honestly, you could probably fit like, half the mansion's exterior in here. So big!
Shelves upon shelves, upon shelves upon shelves! Books.
...I'd start pluckin' out random ones, but I'm scared of that trope where one'd come to life and eat me.
"Where should we go…?" Hana stares into the dim sky of the library. Yeah- the ceiling's so high it's got its own dim, dark atmospheric fog up there. Someone turned the FoV down…!
"Let's find the cuddlemuffin." I wanna find Patchy and snuggle her, if not bother her needlessly.
So we march off into the she~lves!
…
Alright, this might… take time.
"Cuddlemuffin…" Hana wants to cuddle a muffin, dude.
A lot of these books just have no bindings. Well- they have bindings, but nothing on them. Roman numerals, or just blank. Sometimes fancy seams, but nothing useful.
A select few have words… in languages I don't even recognize. Pretty sure Latin's in here, too.
Thunk. Nearby, a book slides out from a shelf! Oh, shit, dude! They-
...Gingerly, a fluffle pokes its head out, looking around. Aw.
...Moving up to the dust person, I take it from the shelf.
It's soft, and small. "honh ho hoh" It lets out fluffy coos.
I nuzzle it, dude.
…
"Achoo!" It's dusty…!
"wau" Fluff nugget, dude!
Looking over at Hana, I pass the nugget to her. "Have a nugget."
"Ooo~...!" She perks up! "It's so tiny!"
It wiggles in her arms, before getting smooshed into a hug. "help"
Dust stuff, son.
"Again…?"
Down the aisle we're in, a woman begins marching up to us…! "...Oo~h. Hello~..."
That voice… who the frik kinda fairy is it this-
I turn, and wow.
Koakuma struts up to us, her cleavage plain even with her chest fully covered by her formal attire; just a big, soft poof from her curvy chest…
Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles. "It's you~..."
...Stro~ng aroma, holy crap. Time to backpedal, and I'm not even close to her…!
"Aww~..." Pouting, she tilts her head at me… "I don't bite."
"Yer rather…" Part of me wants to just inhale, but I don't wanna…! "Ar- aromatic."
Hana puts her arms on her hips, still clutching the fluffle with one hand. "He~y. We don't even have any books for you to steal, today."
...Koakuma just gives her a stare, before focusing on me. "I've yet to put on my limiter, for my pheromones." Reaching into her pocket, she draws a small, metal ring. "Would you like me to?"
"Yes." I decide…!
She begins to step towards me…! "Rea~lly? You know…"
Spreading her arms, she beckons me. "I'll make you feel really good."
Wasn't Koakuma really timid in fanon!? Christ! "That's cool, but I think, ah, no!" Also, don't succubi steal your soul and shit!? Wahaa~h!
...Her eyes narrow. "That wasn't a choice." She continues to step towards me, smirking. "Don't I turn you o~n?"
Reaching into my bag, I draw the H2O hanger…!
As she gets closer-
Woosh! She slides back out of range with inhuman speed, once I make a clumsy swing. "Fufufu-"
Splash! Water splashed onto her face!
"Ghah!?" She doubled back from it! "...My- my makeup!" Ooo~! Elemental weakness, son!
"An' there's more where that came from!" I'm about ready to turn around and book it, dude…!
"You~ fuckhead…" Her tone's taken a one-eighty! "Ugh. If you want to remain a virgin so bad, fine." Sliding her anti-pheromone ring on, she began to leave-
Then, she paused. "Nngh…" Impatiently, she bended over to pick up the book the fluffle pushed out, before twirling around-
Thunk! -and smoothly shoving it back into the correct slot. "There. Fucking..."
She's got a nice ass. Also, those black stockings…! Holy shit...
With that, she takes into the air and just floats off. Her skirt's a bit long to see up, ironically. I bet her panties are black, anyway.
...Hana looks over at me, from nuzzling the fluffle. "You made the angry person go away!" Yeah, dude! It is fortunate you seem to be totally naive of sexual things! 'Cause I~ am flustered as fuck right now. Koakuma's absurdly hot. That, and pheromones probably had something to do with it.
…
Wait, she was our only way of easily finding Patchy! Aauu~gh!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Oh my go~d.
After stumbling around for fifteen thousand years… we find 'er.
She's in a clearing. A clearing… surrounded by bookshelves!
To the heart seeking freedom… this clearing is a prison. Surrounded by bookshelves!
"And then he fucked up my makeup…" Oh, and Koakuma's here, too. This library might be more bearable if I was literate in every language ever!
"Mmm." Patchy's not really listening to her, reading through a tome at her desk.
...You know, suddenly Koakuma's not quite as sexualized as I remember her being. They're big breasts alright, but they're realistic! That, and the ass accent is mostly just 'cause of her suit dress thing, the way it hugs her.
"The one time a boy wanders in…" Folding her arms, Koakuma begins panning her head about-
Then, she sees me! "...There he is, even."
...Patchouli glances up, for only a second. "Oh." Then, she continues reading. Oof.
"Yo ho ho~!" I greet her! "How a~re you? Fine, thank you."
...She just gives me a stare as I approach her big desk of books and doom. "What has possessed you to come out here."
"You're cuddly." I wish to snuggle you.
...Patchy's stare is jaded.
Hana walks up to me, and I turn to her. "Gimme the friend, dude."
She hands the fluffle over to me, and I sniff its forehead. "...Aw. It's sniffable, dude."
"Good." With that, she looks back down at her tome. Freakin'...
"You're bothering Patchouli-sama." Marching up to me, Koakuma frowns. "Go be a dumbass somewhere-"
Fwoof. I smack her in the face with the fluffle, swinging it by its tubby torso and hitting her with its poofy head.
...She just looks flabbergasted. It was probably like getting hit by a pillow, 'cause fluffles are soft!
"oof" I made it go oof. "no"
...Ho ho ho, son! Lugging it around, I start to navigate around Patchy's desk…!
She notices very quickly that I'm behind it, turning to me. "...You. What're you-"
I hold the fluffle's face close to hers, and let the cute ones duke it out.
...They stare at one another. Patchy blinks.
"Tst!" She sneezed! "Tst- tst!" Awhawhaw~! "Tst- ah- tst!" She swings her hand-
FWAM! Waa~h! Loud and bright…!
...Some bright magic exploded before us. All it did was push me back, and slide some closed books off her desk.
"Nngh…!" She draws a few tissues from a box nearby, and- "Tst!" -starts doing her tiny sneezes into them!
"You're so cute!" Hana agrees! She rumbles towards Patchy-
"Oof…" Koakuma stops her with an arm, expression dry.
"Tst…" She's closed her eyes for the moment, as she assaults her nose…
...After some moments of her wiggling her nose and looking flustered, she glowers at me.
That was a good idea. "Hi, friend." Man. Patchouli's so fluffy.
"If you've time to incessantly pester me…" She don't look happy…! "Perhaps you'd do me the favor of picking up my prescription." Oo~h. This Patchy takes meds.
"Aw…" My eyes slowly re-adjust to the darkness of the library, after her spell. "Y'want me to pirate weed for you, dude?"
"...What?" Patchy's actually vexed by the terminology.
...Koakuma gives her a grin. "He means Mary Jane."
...Then, Patchy shakes her head. "Pftah. Marijuana. I thought I'd said medicine, not poison. Less than that, even; that smoke may as well be an attempt on my life."
Yeah, I never tried it! I'd imagine the smoke would fuck Patchy's day up, though. Freakin'... while it's not tobacco, it's still something I'm better off without. Waste 'a money, waste of life…!
"Ten thousand yen." Patchy places cold hard cash on the desk. "This fills the cost of my prescription in full. You're to take it to Eientei, and my prescription will be filled at the front desk there."
Uuh. "...How'm I supposed to get through the bamboo?" I know of that forest! It's not a kind one!
...Pausing, she just searches my form, briefly. "...Who told you? And yes, I have just the thing, for that."
Click. She places a compass on the desk. There's only one color for the whole needle, and it's purple. "Magical compass. Has Eientei's coordinates in it. Ask for someone to escort you out of the woods on the way back; I'm sure you can find the mansion from there."
Aa~h. So I guess that covers navigation…
Also, I navigated the bamboo forest during the incident! ...Although, it was more like Marisa lugged me around while the forest exploded, so I guess that still wouldn't justify me knowing that it's a maze.
But, you know… "What if something eats me?" I hold my arms out! I'm pretty sure ambient youkai are a problem!
...She just gives me a stare. "Assemble a team. If you go alone, you're too stupid to live." Oh. "Or armed well. I'm sure you know what to do, having lived this long." Ahah…
"Assemble a team, huh…" I ponder this, 'cause it's worth pondering. Hand to the chi~n! "Do I just talk to them, or…"
...Pausing, Patchy looks away, briefly. "One moment."
Sliding a drawer of her desk open, she digs into it. "Hrrm…"
She draws a deck of cards, before popping it open, and splaying them out on the desk. "Here…"
One by one, she carefully draws a pentagram on three cards. Even more carefully, she seems to inscribe something in delicate, precise strokes along the edges of this pentagram…
...Geez. I feel like I gotta hold my breath!
...Oh. Hana's like, being restrained by Koakuma, some feet away. Ho ho!
"Here." She passes the cards to me. "This will bind three fairies of your choosing to aid you for this task. They will find themselves unable to refuse."
Ooo~. "How's that work…?" They like, familiar contracts, or some shit…?
"It's part of Remi's domination over the property." Patchy summarized. "...We don't typically use a system so manual- as making these cards takes time and tedium, but it's available to us."
Huh. Takin' the cards, I look 'em over. The ink Patchy's written on 'em starts to glow… "How do I, ah, use 'em?"
"Walk up to fairy, command them." ...Oh. That's pretty simple! "Go crazy. But not too crazy… I'd like my medication back from a living hand. I would be inconvenienced to have to pry it out of a ditch."
...Yeah, that'd be a buzzkill, wouldn't it!
With that, Patchy returned to her tome. "...Also, start as soon as possible. It'd defeat the point of asking you if you opt out." Ho ho!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well, Hana's already doing whatever I wanna do, so she's essentially no cost. At the same time, I'm unsure of her benefit to me not dying, at best!
So. As for the three fairies I grabbed…
Click. Skirt-chan unbuckles her skirt at the front door, letting it drop.
...A red-haired fairy next to us turns to look at us, wearing her pink panties like a mask. Like… with the entire pair around her face and held onto her ears, rather than just on her head. She's also just as short as Skirt-chan. Her name might be Panty-chan, according to everyone else.
...Finally, I decided to take Janitor-chan!
"I- I'm not really…" She looks sheepish! "Into this whole, um… 'combat' thing."
She's got her bucket with her, and her mop, wielded more like a shield and pike rather than as cleaning tools like before. She's not got as many brushes with her, but she's got some wrenches and doodads on her pocket-clad dress, and tool belt!
It was a tough choice between her and this one sickly fairy I found, but honestly, Janitor-chan's pretty practical. Maybe not for combat but in general. I mean, nobody I picked is freakin' combat ready, but there's a lot of us!
Don't ask me why I took the freakin' midgets over anyone else…! Strength in numbers, yo!
I point to Hana! "Can you fight?"
"Nope!" Good!
"Let us adventure!" I march out the manor front door!
"...Ok- okay." Janitor-chan has no choice but to pick up the pace!
The two midgets just quietly follow along. Skirt-chan almost trips and falls over, but Janitor-chan stops and pulls her skirt up for her again…
"Ya~y!" Cheer, Hana, cheer!
...Moving out, down the scarlet porch and past the tiny fountain in the center of the path, we meet the front gate!
Cla- cla- clang. We attack it, to little avail. Aw, shit…
"Meili~ng!" Hana wails at it! "I need out aga~in!"
...It's currently midday. If we run it and gun it, maybe we'll get there before our asses fall off, dude.
…
Cla- cla- clang! Hana bangs on the gates on her own, this time! "Meili~ng!"
"Aa~h…" Stumbling from the gate, the keeper looks over at us. "...Hana? I thought-..."
She sees all 'a us yo.
"Yeah, yo!" I call out ta her! "We got business on behalf of her cuddliness!"
...Stepping up to the gate, Meiling gives us a friendly wave! "Ah, Janitor-chan. Here about the outer walls, again?"
The janitor fairy giggles! "Eheheh. Um. No… I- I'm on orders to get lady Patchouli's prescription, with these guys..."
"...Really, now." Meiling gives us a skeptical stare. "Who're you, again?" She don't even know me!
"He's Brad-kun!" Thank you, Hana-friend! "He's real soft." Yeah! Wait- I am?
"...Okay." With an expression of skeptical vexation, Meiling moves to open the gate. "Be careful out there, alright? Do what'cha need to and come right back."
Considering how many fairies are in the wild, do they really have to worry? Like-
"I mean you." Oh. Meiling points at me…! "This land's not safe to just roam around, really."
"I figured…!" Imma heed Meiling's words 'a caution. "Is there like… any good paths from here ta the Eientei thing?" S'it a clinic or a hospital…?
"Just go around the lake and take the paths to and from the village." She moves to lean back against the gate, as we all move out towards the mansion-to-lake path, me walkin' backwards to pay attention ta her. "The scariest part'll be the bamboo. Good luck wit' that…"
Good luck, huh. "Thanks, yo!" I give 'er a wave as we keep moving!
"Thank yo~u!" Hana waves back at her!
…
Once we're far enough away, I turn and face the lake as we approach it. Ho ho…!
"Oh, geez…" Janitor-chan's worried, son. "I- I haven't been farther than the trees around the mansion in some time…"
"This is my first time outside a building." I tell her! "What's that shiny thing in the sky?" I pretend to look at the sun directly…!
"Uhm- don't…!" She puts a hand before my eyes! "That's… tha- that's the sun! Oo~h…" I don't think I'm soothing her nerves!
That reminds me… fairies have elements, right? I think.
I turn to Hana. "Hey, friend."
"Hi." She gets closer, for some reason…!
"What element of fairy are you…?" Inquiring minds wanna know, my… fae. Hoh.
"I'm an ice fairy!" She proclaims! Well, that makes sense, cyan hair, cyan nails, cyan…!
...These other two fairies are mute so asking them their element is freakin' pointless.
"My- I'm a water fairy." The janitor fairy states, as we march towards the lake's own water. "...That's fitting, isn't it? Mistress said something like that…"
"Ye." Water and ice! That'll be a good combo. And two noobs. This is fair and balanced!
...So first we just gotta walk around this lake. Maybe we'll stop at the human village, too!
…
After we're partially around the lake-
"Hey, you!" Ooh! I think- that's Cirno's voice, innit?
...I see Cirno drift down in front of us! "...Ooo~! It's you guys, from the mansion!"
"Hi, my new friend!" Hana waves at Cirno, throwing her entire freakin' arm up and down and rocking herself as she does so. "What brings you out here?"
"Eye dunno what ya mean." Cirno admits outright…! Then, she folds her arms. "Didja learn how ta freeze, yet!?"
"Um…" Hana looked away. "I- I tried, but… all it did was make the thing I wanted to freeze all jittery."
...Cirno jerked her head back! "Whaddaya mean!? How'd you screw that up!?" Hoo~!
"I dunno!" Hana began wavin' her arms! "Help me~!"
...After a moment of lookin' around, Cirno tried to snap her fingers, but botched it to the point they didn't make noise. "...Ey- ey, ey!"
Drifting down-
Spla~sh! She landed in the water, up to her waist! "Try ta freeze this water over here!"
...Splo- splosh, splo- splosh. Stepping towards her, Hana walked into the water with her. "Co- cold…!" She hugged herself! Huh. Ice fairies can get cold…?
"Now freeze!" Cirno beamed! "Like dis!" She held a hand out-
Fwa~sh! A big ice chunk formed in the water before her! "Haha~! See!?"
...Hana shut her eyes-
Za- zap, zap, zap, zap. The water began to shimmer with light-
ZAP- ZAP- ZAP! Woa~h! It fucking lit up!
"Ebabadabada~!?" Cirno flails wildly, sinking into the water and seizing up…!
Sploo~sh. Hana stopped zapping the lakeside, bubbles emerging from around her in a wave. "...Eh- ehehe~..." Almost dizzily, she began to wade back to the shore…
"Oh, no!"
...Slowly, Daiyousei drifts over from somewhere else on the lakeside, hands to her mouth. "Cirno-cha~n..."
As she descended gingerly, Cirno slowly rotated around in the water, to float on her back. "Pft- pft- pftuh…" She gargled on water, before it left her mouth. "Wha~'s… thuh- gh- lea~k, maa~'am…?"
Sloshin' out of the water, Hana shambled towards us. "I- I… wow." She scratched her hair! "I- I think I froze the water…!"
...Me and janitor fairy're giving her raised-brow stares!
"Um…" Janitor-chan stepped forward! "If… you froze the water, it would be frozen."
...Pouting, Hana stared back at the water, before looking back at us. "Does it have to be?"
"Ye- yes." Lookin' just perplexed, Janitor-chan raises a brow. "That's… why it's the act of freezing, you kind of have to, um, freeze… it."
...Hana starts to move for the water again-
"Nah, yo!" I stop her! "We're movin' on! You freezed the water good enough!"
"Yeah!" Pumping an arm in the air, Hana moves after us! "I'm a real ice fairy, now!" Like hell ya are, ya freakin' rascal…! Yer an electric fairy!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I decided to ignore the Hakurei Shrine, for the time being. Might as well not burn too much daylight, yeah? I don't think Reimu wants her shrine ransacked by friendly fairies, either!
Skirt-chan and Panty-chan have been silently following along with us this whole time, pretty much idle about everything.
Reaching the front gate of the village, we come up to this dude…!
He's got really crappy armor on. Like… metal plates on his upper torso and arms, and that's it. The rest is just straps and shirt stuff. "Stop there." He steps before the shut gate, holding up a kind of awkward looking short sword.
"Hello, friend." I wave at him. "Can we go in?"
"No." Oh, good. "No-"
Click. Skirt-chan drops her skirt, between us.
...After glancing down at her, he looks up at us again! "No youkai." Wahaha!
...I gesture to the fairies. "These're just a buncha fairy maids, yo. And-"
"If they wanted supplies, they'd have sent Izayoi." The brown-haired guy shook his head. "If they were running an errand, they'd have sent only a few. Instead, they send four, and you."
...Ah. "...Y'see, I'm an outsider, not-"
Apparently not! "I can't believe you. Just leave."
"Plea~se let us i~n!" Hana begs, pursing her arms together!
"No." He refuses plainly.
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No…"
"Plea~se!?" Hana's really sellin' it, dude!
"I'll have to call for backup if you won't leave." He backs towards the gate…! "Please, just… just go!" Wohohoa~h!
...Hrrm. Well, I guess we can go around the village. I didn't wanna get hung for dressing like a gypsy anyway…
At least this guy's not the captain's son! Freakin' cops, dude.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The village perimeter's weird. It's like, lots of mud ruts leading up to the wall, and forestry directly outside. No one bothered us, for probably obvious reasons. Well, youkai-wise, anyway. If the guards saw us from the wall, they didn't care.
So we're on the road off towards Eientei, right now… or, more aptly, the road towards the bamboo woods.
"...I'm glad we didn't go in the village." Janitor pal decidedly decided! "...Humans kind of freak me out."
Yeah, they should. They're kinda freaky! Buildin' skyscrapahs and killin' eachotha'! Aaa~h!
As we move down the plain plain, we come across that fluffle stand between Eientei and the village. It's took off before, but it's here now!
"hi friends" It's soft looking…
"Hi, friend." I greet the friend. "What's for sale…?"
"friends" Oh.
It slips its fin under the counter-
Clank. It plops a pastel green plant hanger on the desk...
"...What is it." Don't just stare at me with those soulless decal eyes!
"Vortex Hanger!" And so it shall be named! "ten thousand yen. boosts the power of wind skills. pushes wind when swung. constantly manipulates wind."
...That's… interesting. I have ten thousand on me right now… but it's not my money!
"Why're you here…?" Janitor-chan frowns at the fluffle!
"i gotta have a good meal" Aw. I don't think you things even eat, but I've never seen you try!
…
Will the weapon still be here if I don't snatch it up? I mean… Marisa and Reimu never emptied my bag of all that furniture we stole. Maybe I can do some hacky sequence breaking bullshit with that! I mean, it's like what, one hundred dollars in Americano? That shouldn't be terribly hard to scam from big lunar pharma.
Click. Skirt-chan unbuckled her belt, again.
Hana starts to sneak up on the fluffle…
...I look down at Skirt-chan. "Do you just like, get a high offa' that, or something…!?"
She just stares up at me…!
"Mmnh!" Lunging forward, Hana snuggles the fluff!
"help! help!" It's getting nuzzled! Oh my gaa~h!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I need a way to make ten thousand yen, and fast!
My fairy armada makes a mad dash up to the forest's edge with me! Tonight we dine in jail!
"Hup!" I jump…!
"Hnh…!" Jumping again is weird-
Woosh! I lethargically swing the Vortex Hanger as we near the bamboo! Swinging it down makes a brief gust of air downwards, allowing me to gain a little height and increase how long I spend at the apex of my jump…
And now I'm falling holy shit-
Woosh! I swing down again, flailing my arms to make it happen faster!
I'm thrusted back up just above my original jump height-
I land a little unevenly, but I actually land without eating shit!
Y'know… this may've not been the wisest investment I've made yet, but I'm very eager to add crap to my arsenal! If I could swing it faster I could actually fly, but these noodle arms 'a mine aren't even close to making this as useful as it could be.
"Wo~w!" Hana shuffles up to me. "You can fly!"
Ahah. Tell me what part of that looked like flying…!
As we continue forward-
Mokou rounds the brush ahead of us! "...Hmm?"
"Yo ho, ho ho~!" I was just about to jump into her, too…!
...She scans my posse drolly. "...What's this?"
"Do you know a way to make ten thousand yen and fast!?" I give 'er a question! 'Cause I need that yen!
"...No." She gives me a bored reply. "Go work." Cool, thank you.
"Good." I am satisfied with this, yo. You should write guides, dude.
"U- um…" Janitor-chan scans the fire immortal carefully. "You- you're not gonna… hurt us, right?"
...Mokou grins at her. "Yeah, I'll gobble ya up. Seriously, you five going into the woods?"
Click. Walking up to Mokou, Skirt-chan drops her skirt, again.
...Mokou just slouches. "Wh- what."
...I give 'er a family smile, yo. "That's just how she says hi. Also, have you seen her friend?" I point to Panty-chan.
...Mokou runs her gaze over the masked fairy, before grinning wider. "Alright seriously, what the fuck is this."
"We were goin' to get Patchy's meds!" I shall exposition dump… for a character that is not the viewer! "But I blew the money like a dumbass, on this thing." I hold up my Vortex Hanger.
...Mokou blinks. "So you're just retarded…?"
"Yes." I agree with this sentiment. "Help me politely scam Eientei, yo."
…
Janitor-chan speaks up! "Mi- Mistress wouldn't… um-"
"Sure." Sliding her hands into her pockets, Mokou turned around. "Follow me. Don't lose me, now." Woohoo~!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Marching ahead of us, Mokou sears a steady path through the bamboo…
Cra- crack. Janky shoots snap and crack as she powers ahead, arms extended to brush the foliage away…
We were treading along the side of a stone ravine that'd opened 'cause we stepped on a pressure plate. Overgrowth was supposed to keep us from going around it, but Mokou carefully torched a path open for us…
...The entire fairy party floated along beside us, 'cause yeah. Fairies can just fly!
"Alright…" Once we were past that pit, Mokou dashed ahead-
"Hua~h!" -and performed a long jump over a mess of bamboo.
Thud. She landed hard on the other side, before pivoting around, as if seeing if I could find a way before she had to do anything.
...The fairies sort of congealed around me while I considered my options. Hrrm…
"Yo- you know…" Janitor-chan starts to speak up-
I bolt ahead, running-
Jump! Oo~h…!
And, jump again! Just barely…!
Woosh! Swinging my hanger, I barely clear the bamboo mess-
Thu- thud! Ah- fuck…!
Ugh. I roll to a stop on the other side… on my side.
"Good enough." Mokou- woah!
She lifts me back onto my legs, manhandling me to do so. Then, she just keeps carrying on…
"...I- I was gonna suggest we carry you." Janitor-chan gave me a flat look as she drifted up behind us.
Ah. Yeah, that would've made a lot of sense, actually! Well, I didn't fall and impale myself, or instantly snap my neck, so no harm no foul! I can take some dirt. I've been wearin' the same shit I came to Gensokyo with…!
Carrying after Mokou, I hurry along…!
"Hup!" She does a tall jump-
Fwi- fwi- fwish! The tall bamboo shimmers as she becomes obscured in a corridor of looser tufts and sticks, walking through the clump atop less rigid shafts. Holy shit…
"Hnh!" I jump…!
"Hah…!" And I jump again-
Oh, woah, I- nngh…!
I pull myself inside. The shafts are fucking hard to brush past, pushing against me pretty roughly. Mokou makes this look like kiddy shit, but damn! I'm… am I stuck? No, not quite…
Ngh. Fuckin'.. bamboo. Get outta my way! Ngh… Ngh!
"A- aah…!" I come out on the other side! Wah-
Woosh! With a swing of the vortex hanger-
Thud. I make my faceplant into the grass a little less painful! "Nnh…"
...Mokou blinks at me, a few times. "That's a fun route." Yeah, cool.
Aah- ah! Freakin'... picked me up and put me back upright again. She even dusted my shoulder, this time.
Reaching up 'n' brushin' the grass outta my face, I keep after her.
Panty-chan was somehow already on the other side of the bamboo with us-
"Woa~h!" Hana's getting squished in there, somewhere…!
Fwish! She spins through the air as Janitor-chan bashes her out, using her implements to ram against her.
...Man. These bamboo trees are so tall and oppressive. Even though the sun is high outside, it's eternally dusk-like beneath these trees. Hazy blues in the distance wherever you can actually see through the bamboo…
Ahead, I see Mokou stop before a riverside. We seem to have reached a creek!
...Slowly, I lumber after her-
Janitor-chan brushes my face with a duster as she passes me. Freakin'...!
"A- achoo!" Oof! Freakin'... wiffle dusters.
...After a moment, I catch up with Mokou. Hana's already behind her before me, as are the midget fairies, freakin' somehow.
Click. Skirt-chan drops her skirt on the rivershore.
…
After a moment of us just being idle for no reason, Mokou exhales after a deep breath. "Water's pretty, ain't it?" Ah, she's taking in the river…
"Yeah, yo." It does look pretty nice, right about now…
…
"Nhuo~h…" What kinda noise is that…?
"Ah, fuck." Suddenly gritting her teeth, Mokou tenses up, looking around. "Fuck!"
"What's up…!?" Why is Mokou upset!? Do I have a reason to be upset, yo!?
She snaps her gaze to me-
Splaa~sh!
From the river's bottom rises some kind of mud girl!
...She's pretty big. Instead of brown, she's a inky black, hints of green, blue and red liquids oozing from her brown and black blotches, giving her an otherworldly, ethereal tint…
"Ouhuh…" The only ever so vaguely female orifices that make up its head stretch to let out a groan!
Fwoo~m! Flames ignite along Mokou's limbs! "You all stay back! Lemme fuck this thing up first!"
"Wha- what is tha~t!?" Janitor-chan raises her mop and bucket defensively…!
...Crouching down, Skirt-chan stepped out of her skirt entirely, and slid the belt off from the custom slots it had on it.
...Panty-chan began darting back and forth in place, for some reason!
Running ahead, Mokou brings her dukes up as she approaches the massive goo girl! "Hrrgh…!"
Lemme put it in perspective. This goo girl… is about a fourth the height of these bamboo trees. Or, maybe… eighteen feet tall, about. Most of her body is just mush, but she's got two nearly formless 'arms', fit for smashing, or something.
The barely luminescent lime eyes of the mush flare…!
Thoo~m!
"Ngh…" Mokou rolled to the side, out of the way of a heavy, globby arm that thrusted out to drop over her.
"It's yucky~!" Hana yells at it!
Pat- pat- pat! Panty-chan starts running freakin'... otaku-style around the sides of the battle, firing simple, red lines of danmaku at the mush. Like, arms back all Naruto-like and shit!
Janitor-chan's starting to move inward to attack it…!
...You know, if everyone else is moving, maybe I should do something! Wait, unlike literally my entire party right now, I don't come back if I die. Daa~h.
...Taking out the Flamehanger, I thrust it into Hana's arms. "Go hit it!"
"Woah!" She's awed! "What's this!?" Owo, what's this, dude.
"Me." I summarize. "Hit the monster!"
"I hit monsters!" She runs forward!
Boo~m! Mokou rolled back inward, getting closer to the muck girl, as it brought down the same heavy arm in an attempt to smoosh her…
Reaching the muddy flank of the big 'woman'-
Fwoo~m! Mokou shoved her arm into the side of it, fire licking up her limbs as she jabbed.
Fwoom! She unleashed a second jab, flames dancing along the grass around her, and up the side of the goo-
Splat. Skirt-chan hit its side with her belt, taking off a glob of goo. Not a lot…!
"Nnh- nnh, nnh…!" Vigorously, Janitor-chan began thrusting a soapy mop into its midst! "Go- go awa~y!"
"Nhuuu~!"
Woo~sh. Black, smoggy wind expels from the goo girl as she compresses into the floor a little, pushing everyone back…
Except for Mokou, who ran against it…! "Hell no!" Reeling arn arm back-
Fwoom! She spun around, becoming encased in flame-
FWOO~M!
The tornado of flame that erupted around her quickly flash-burnt all of the smog as it slowly retracted from us. Flames briefly danced towards us, before retracting back towards the muck…!
"Nhauu~!" The goo girl flailed its limbs, faster than before, probably because it was burning!
...All the fairies decided to keep their distance. Well, Panty-chan's already keeping her distance…
"So ho~t…" Hana began to back up further…!
Smack!
"Ga~h!" Mokou rolls out of the tornado, bouncing off the ground towards us again…
"Da~h…" Is she good…!? It'd be kinda sorta really bad if she wasn't-
Sitting back up, she immediately floats up and onto her feet, brushing her mouth of some black crap-
Fwoom! Amber light comes from her core, as she focuses on the goo. "Fucking…!"
Woosh! While the fire on the goo girl slowly fizzles, the youkai's composition runny and ash black now, Mokou took to the air-
Bam! Falling back down, she stomped down into the grassy floor-
FWOOM- FWOOM- FWOOM- FWOOM!
Geysers of orange flame flared beneath the black blob, unbearable heat and light from the eruptions forcing me to look away-
FWAA~M!
Holy shit- this better end soon, this better end-...
Ah, it ended soon!
The massive pillar of flame that'd engulfed the goo was now just a bonfire of sinking, black matter. Slowly, the flames began to glow rainbow colors…
"Fucking disgusting…" There was no more chemical material on Mokou's body, the fire of her flames having seared it all away.
Then, she turned to me. "You know what that shit was?"
...You just unleashed a fucking solar flare on that thing. I have a hanger that just catches shit on fire. I'm the one who should be asking questions…!
She takes my silence as a 'no'. "Fucking chemical shit. Kaguya's. It's to track where I am in the woods."
Geesh. They troll hard in Gensokyo, apparently.
...After the rainbow fire burned out-
Pichu~ Pichu~! Pich- Pich- Pichu~!
Rainbow-colored flares began launching from its form, extending into the sky-
Pop- pop, pop, pop, pop! Oh, I see. The girl… was like, firework goo. And Mokou burning it down to its core… ignited it, and made the fireworks go off.
"Yeah, tha's totally to fuck with you." I agree! "Pro'lly a flare or something..."
"Last time I ignored one, the earth rabbits bitched about it." Sighing, Mokou carried ahead. "It didn't attack them, at least. I don't think it would, since it's meant for me an' all."
...Yeah, it just entirely ignored the fairies back there.
...I turn to see how they're doing-
Janitor-chan brushes my face with a wiffle duster again…! I wrinkle my nose in response!
So Kaguya's making firework goo monsters attack Mokou, or something. Hoh.
...Well, alrighty, then! Freakin'...
…
Fire slowly travels across the grass towards us…!
Spla- spla- splash. Janitor-chan's empty bucket shield suddenly has water in it to splosh about, dousing the flames. None of the chemical matter remains, so it's all normal fire now. "He- help me…! It- it's gonna burn the forest! Help-"
Mokou snaps her fingers-
Fwish. The fires fade.
...Janitor-chan slouches. "O- oh."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We rush into Eientei, through the sliding glass doors!
...Reisen's at the front desk, looking casual as she sifts through some papers…
"Hey." Mokou marches ahead of us, moving to the counter.
"...Oh, hey." Reisen sees her, briefly giving her a glance. "Here for the princess, again?" Ooo~...!
"...Yeah." Mokou decides to spend this visit fucking up Kaguya! I wonder…
...Stepping forward, I see Mokou slowly turn away from Reisen. Then, she turns to us…!
I give her a big, knowing wink, dude!
She frowns. "...Don't follow me."
"I'm followin' ya." I'm not just gonna let 'er go, yo. Besides, I sense scam potential! "I got business, dude."
...She blinks. "Seriously?"
I wink at her twice. "You know. Business."
...She furrows her brows.
I have an epileptic fit. "You know, yo…!"
…
"Fine." Stomping ahead, she beckons me to follow. "Come on."
With that, she moves!
…
Skirt-chan walks up to the front desk.
"Ah, crap…" Reisen curses, frowning at her files. "Should've told her to not get you guys involved. Look- don't follow her."
I shake my head, and refuse to make eye contact. "We're followin' her. Look yo- I got a plan. Believe me." Nobody builds walls better than me!
Click. Skirt-chan drops her skirt! I dunno how she recovered it from the inferno. Maybe she made off with it before Mokou casted Mega Flare.
...Looking down at her, Reisen narrows her eyes. "...Wa- wait."
She feels at her thigh, before speaking under her breath. "What the hell…"
...Panty-chan hurries down the hall with a new pair of pink panties. Oh my go~d, du~de…! It's a conspiracy, man!
...Oh, fuck. Hana's about to hit a lobby chair with Flamehanger!
Runnin' over, I lunge to try and stop it-
Fwoom!
Fire! My hands are on fire! It clipped my hand!
"Baa~h!?" Hana yells!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...A potion may have healed the wounds, son, but the pain doesn't go away. Or, at least, you don't forget it!
Once again, we're progressing down the vaguely dim but vaguely luminous halls of Eientei. We're in the wooden, more aristocratic bits now, following Mokou's wake.
...Panty-chan's playing with Reisen's panties, scrunching them and unscrunching them repeatedly. She never noticed 'er make off, dude…! Hey- maybe that can be our scam! We sell them their panties back! You know, if they don't kick our ass instantly. Yeah- maybe that's a bad idea…
...Hana looks over my hands again! "Are you su~re…!?" She's not so much worried anymore, but she's determined to look at my hands!
"Yes, yo." I have long since pocketed the fire elemental hanger, and do not plan to equip it again for some time.
"...Re- really." Janitor-chan looked like she wanted to hit me. "Don't play with fire." She was the one who extinguished me, yo.
...I give her a smirk. "I'll play wit' fire all I want, yo…"
"I mean it." She gives me a frown. "You could seriously hurt people, like that…"
Y'know, I'm not even the one who swung it…!
...So I say that! "I'm not even the one who swung it, yo."
"...We- well." She looks away. "You should've been more careful. That chair could've just been put out, you know."
Yeah, and then we'd have had to pay damages. Reisen spent that potion on me for free! I paid in blood, dude. Also, we got her panties, but that would've happened regardless. Apparently.
Suddenly, Mokou stops!
...Turning to a white sliding door amidst the sliding doors, she slides it open. As opposed to, y'know, swinging it open, as one does with a sliding door.
Romping after her, I reach the door as she closes it!
Sli~de open…
Inside, Mokou marches towards the princess, who's sittin' on the couch.
"...There you are." Kaguya Houraisan smiled up from the white couch. "Come to be my bitch, today? I need someone to fetch me some drinks..."
"I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck." Mokou's ready to go Duke Nukem, dude…!
"Hey…" I gingerly make myself known!
...They turn to me menacingly.
"I'm Jake, from State Farm." I wave at them. "I'm here to help with your life insurance."
…
"Who's this clown…?" Kaguya gave her rival a dour frown. "You bring some normie piece of shit here? You already gay up the place enough."
"Real rich for a slut who probably fucks her rabbits." Mokou steps closer to her…! "You deserve to burn, and I'm fire."
"You're so cute, Moky~." Rising from her seat, into the air, Kaguya smiles widely. "I want to see you snuffed out."
"I am a fan of room temperature!" I raise my hand!
...The girls turn their unfeeling blank stares to me. Jesus Christ…!
Skirt-chan walks in. Oh, here we go, dude…!
...Furrowing their brows, the girls stared at her.
Click. She unbuckles her skirt, and drops it- Oo~kay, she's not wearing any panties this time…!
...Kaguya just looks up at me 'n' Mokou, as if requesting an explanation.
"She, um, does that." Mokou rolls her eyes… "Fucked if I know."
"Of course she's your cohort." Kaguya smiled! "Do you prostitute her? Did you wish to show me how many times she's been used?"
"How many times've you been used?" Mokou began to get closer to Kaguya again, glaring up at the floating princess…!
...Panty-chan's at my side, with a pair of white panties in addition to Reisen's, and Skirt-chan's blue ones. Freakin'...!
"No fighti~ng!" Hana comes to mediate the scene! "Let's all be friends!"
The girls snap their heads to her.
"I'll clip your wings off." Kaguya threatens her!
"Fuck off and dust a damn window." Mokou waves an arm at her…!
...Hana just steps back, looking crushed. "A- ah…"
Freakin'...
I look over at Kaguya! "Hey, princess! Do ya got a 3DS, or is it in another castle?"
…
After a delayed moment, she gazes at me with furrowed brows. "The fuck you know about 3DSs now?"
Mokou steps back, giving me a flat stare. "You mean PMS, right?"
"We don't even get fucking periods, you ash-headed wench." Man, these girls are not into eachother…!
"You had me fuckin' fooled." Mokou shakes her head at her. "We all know it's always your time of the month."
Kaguya tilted her head back. "When I take a happy dagger to your pussy, you'll know what it feels like. If, you know, you haven't requested someone disembowel you already."
"Ca~n we ju~st…!" You guys are roastin' boys up in here! "Play freakin' Smash Brothers!?"
…
"Alright, who the hell is this." Kaguya's finally curious as to who I am!
"Some fuckin' outsider." Mokou gave me a frown.
"I speak for the trees, noobs." The trees say 'stop bleeding and burning all over everything'.
"Do you know who I am?" Kaguya slowly begins to glare at me…!
Fluffy. "Really bad at Smash Bros!" Yeah, dude!
Ceasing floating, she bounces off a couch cushion, before hopping off next to Mokou. "Alright, fuck it. We're playing Smash Brothers."
"What the hell's that." Mokou looks unenthused…! "What, you too pussy to hit me?"
Scoffing, Kaguya reaches into her dress… "I'll fist you later, you licentious fathercon. You're playing too, or you're a tech-inept retard."
"Fine." Mokou readily agrees! "I'll beat you at anything."
…
"Where the fuck are my panties!?" Kaguya suddenly realizes they're gone as she searches her dress!
"Pfft- wha- hahaha~!?" Mokou's jaw drops…!
Whirling to her-
Shi~ng! Oh, fuck, Kaguya drew a knife my boy! "Shut up! Slut!"
"Fahaha~!" Mokou mirthfully stumbles back-
Woosh- woosh! Kaguya's takin' swings!
"Woah, woah, woah!" I yell at them, but don't get close!
"Faa~h!" Beyond words, Kaguya keeps attacking!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We have… calmed down.
"If this is your fault," Seated on the couch, curled up with her eyes just visible above her knees, Kaguya glared at me…! "I'm going to ruin your life." She's got a pretty long dress, too. Panty-chan is a master thiefster!
...I nod at that! "It is entirely my fault… that you forgot to wear panties today."
...In response-
Pap! She punches Mokou in the cheek. "Gfuh…!?"
...Mokou freakin' flexes her fist, but doesn't strike back… yet.
"Ju- just, be calm, guys…" Janitor-chan holds her hands up! "...If we just… like, talk about our differences-"
"Go back to washing dishes, you goddamn fairy." Kaguya insults her…! "Actually- hell, you look like a mom. Make me a sandwich."
...Janitor-chan just gives her a slight glare.
Speaking of Panty-chan, she's standing in the corner of the room, hands behind her back. Freakin'...
...Moving closer to the girls, Hana holds out her arms. "You gu~ys. Cuddling makes me feel-"
Woosh! Hana steps back from a punch sent by the princess! "...Now that's not very nice!"
"Guess not." If stares could kill, dude, Kaguya's…! "You know what else isn't? God's not real. You've probably forgotten hundreds of thousands of lives worth of friends and experiences. Your existence is meaningless. I hate you."
…
"But, I saw a god…" Hana only found problem with one of those statements! "She gave me sweets."
"Poison." Kaguya just don't care anymore, yo. "Have you ever been raped?"
"I dunno!" Wha- you dunno.
Click. The princess whipped out her 3DS-
Pap. A second 3DS came from her, hitting Mokou in the side of the head. "Gh…"
"Let's gamble!" I plan on illegal gambling!
Flipping my 3DS out of my sack, I open it up! Aw, it's still alive, too. Just barely- two bars left- but…!
"What." Kaguya furrows her brows at me.
"Ten thousand yen I win, yo." Money that I don't have! "Ten thousand if you win. If Mokou wins, whoever survived longer than the other!" That seems fair!
She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whatever, as if ten grand means shit." Woohoo~!
"Um…" Janitor-chan's iffy about this situation, standing before Kaguya's plasma screen TV. "Bu- but we don't have-"
I put a hand over her mouth! "Shh, shh, shh. No memes, only sleep."
...She bats my hand away, before glaring at me. "But- but what are we-"
"So, Mokou ask you to come here?" Kaguya glares up at me, as her DS powered on…
"I told him to not come here." Mokou clarified, sitting next to her 'n' powering her DS on as well.
Kaguya began to smirk at me…! "If she's lying, you can tell me."
"...Neither, yo." I decide! "I was contracted by Pussy Destroyer nineteen seventy five, specifically to take you out, noob."
"Nice." Expression discontent again, she scoots further back into the couch. "Hrrm…"
…
"The hell'm I supposed to do?" Mokou looked over at Kaguya flatly.
"Double tap the game icon." Kaguya's reply was quiet and flat.
…
"The what." That didn't help her!
"You're retarded." Looking over at Mokou's 3DS, Kaguya reached forward and tapped on the game. "Hit play."
"What're you guys playing!?" Hana looks lost, dude. "Can I play!?"
"Suck a dick." Kaguya doesn't wanna bother wit' 'er right now.
...After a moment, Mokou comments. "I get it. It's like a game controller with screens built in."
"No shit." Kaguya must be setting up the lobby…
I've already got my Smash 4 open. We don't have to connect to the internet since we're like, next to each other.
"What's a dick?" Hana, please!
"Oh my fucking god…" Kaguya's face sinks into her knees…!
Mokou just exhales. Hoo~...
While we have this moment, I get a better look at the room…
There's crap everywhere! Like, chip bags and stuff. Controllers, junk, so forth. There's a tiny plastic table in the back, around the corner from the door. There's a more ornate table near the back window, and there's two doors leading out across from the door I took in.
It'sa tiny room by comparison to the rest of the manor hospital clinic thing, but it's got television and a computer!
...Otherwise, though, it's pretty much a living room, except if I lived in it. Wahaha!
Ooo~, there we go. Got into the lobby!
"...Fuckin', here…" Kaguya moves to help Mokou get into the lobby…
Mokou frowns. "Fuck off. I know how to-... huh."
"Not that type of game, bitch." Kaguya grins at her ineptitude. "This'll be good."
"Yeah- you suck a dick." Mokou waves her off…
"You first." I like how their insults just kinda become formality once they're trying to do other things. "Pick a character and press start."
Alright, yo. A~nd… begin! ...Once, y'know, everyone selects their character, which'll take a moment.
I picked Link, yo! He's fun for hitting people, and harassing and stuff.
...Ohp- there we go! Yo!
====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====
END OF CHAPTER 4
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Weaponizer of Plant Hangers
PRIMARY WEAPON: Flamehanger - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire!
INVENTORY:
Vortex Hanger - Pastel-green and grey plant hanger, of industrial metals. Boosts the power of wind skills. Constantly manipulates wind, so swinging it makes gusts.
H2O Hanger - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Cast-iron plant hanger - Cast-iron plant hanger - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. My most basic weapon.
Yin-yang Flail - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups.
NERF Dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF Longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Fancy Operating Cross: Version Two- Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.
Blue Clothes - My stock outfit! Comfortable and smelly. Negative five wind resistance, because the shirt's kind of skimpy. Composed of blue sweatpants and a blue, long-sleeved shirt. Unremarkable sneakers.
==o==
PARTY:
London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to retreat when the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time...
==o==
Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - She's friendly, dude! Used to stalk me like a stalker fairy, but now she's a nice fairy. Curiously adult body for someone who doesn't know what sex is…! Like-... average proportions, where a myriad of… actually, I guess a lot of mansion fairies are weirdly average. A lot of outside fairies are lolis instead. Weird shit!
SKILLS:
Electricity - She's electric, apparently. Doesn't know how to use it!
INVENTORY:
Cyan-tinted Fairy Maid Uniform - A fairy maid uniform from the Scarlet Devil Mansion, custom tailored to Hana's preferences, sort of. Poofy and pretty!
==o==
Skirt-chan, the… Skirt… Fairy Maid? - She drops her skirt when she says hello. Mute. Three feet tall…!
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tiny Belt - A tiny belt she can whip around. Don't make her take off her belt, now…!
SKILLS:
Drop Skirt - She drops her skirt. May stun foes! Increased effectiveness, power, and accuracy when not wearing panties. Can only be used once.
Pull Skirt Back Up? - Impossible to see coming. She just has her skirt back on, sometimes. Allows her to use Drop Skirt again.
INVENTORY:
Neon Blue Fairy Maid Uniform - A fairy maid uniform from the Scarlet Devil Mansion. The skirt is custom-designed for a belt to be used with it. It falls off otherwise!
==o==
Panty-chan, the Panty Fairy Maid - Wears her panties on her face. Master thief, where panties are concerned. Quite a dangerous fairy, she is.
SKILLS:
Master Panty Thief - Can steal the panties blind off anyone, and they'll only feel the absence of them.
Red Danmaku - Shoots red danmaku streams, when she feels like it.
Teleportation - I don't know how she does both of the above with as much agility as she does!
INVENTORY:
Red-tinted Fairy Maid Outfit - In accordance with her color scheme! Generic, otherwise.
Pink Panties - Reisen's panties. Fifteen percent bomb resistant. Fifty percent stagger resistant. Wearer takes one third the damage from heavy impacts, including fall damage.
Blue Panties - Skirt-chan's panties. Five percent moon resistant. Fifteen percent silencing resistant.
White Panties with Pastel Rainbow Dots - Kaguya's panties. Thirty percent ice, fire, and electric resistance. Fifty percent time resistance. Fifty percent immunity to freezing, ignition and electric stunning. Grants immunity to status rewinding.
Her Own Panties - Pinkish reddish! Worn as a mask, dude. Fifteen percent moon resistant. Immunity to all kinds of stunning.
==o==
Janitor-chan, the Janitor Fairy Maid - Wears a cute little hard hat, and is a master of the cleaning utensils! Probably the only other person who cleans at the mansion other than Sakuya.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Mop - A mop. Non-elemental weapon. Can be soaked to deal water damage. Cleans dirt.
SKILLS:
Cleaning - Masterful cleaner, dude. She'll get them rugs spotless.
Carpentry Repair - Handy with the tools! She's a master wit' the plaster, yo!
Water Manipulation - She seems to be able to spawn water in her bucket as she wishes, and stuff.
Cleanse - Can cleanse allies, erasing all debuffs and negative statuses from them.
Toss Water - Special attack, when bucket is filled. Gets the enemy wet, and can be used to wet stuff. Negligible water elemental magic.
INVENTORY:
Handy Fairy Maid Outfit - Economic, handy outfit! Less frills and protects more of the body; made for actual hard work! More defense than the regular fairy maid uniform.
Little Hard Hat - Head protection! In the event the entire mansion caves in and fucking kills everyone.
Bucket - A blue bucket. Blocks attacks, kind of! Can be filled with water, for a special attack.
...A- a wha's that, a wiffle duster!? - Dusts people and things off, son.
==o==
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
this was a fun chapter to write!
...not much else to say because i always end up writing these notes after i've cooled down from writing and its like "wait did i want to tell them anything"
freakin tore down the fourth wall a few times there but dont worry yo its all fixed now
i feel like im really getting the hang of things here
as always, if you see this published not in its entirety you are being swindled and lied to unless future chapters state otherwise friends… actually, now that i think about it, i might publish this when the next incident is done and then just do publishing every 2 incidents / every chapter afterwards depending or whatever benchmarking im doing
of course if i think im going to be dead and gone for a long long time im uploading what i have for those who want it, just incase
thanks for tuning in, and see you in the next chapter!... and i can say that with confidence because chances are if you're reading this far you've either been possessed by a demon or actually like something about it
...now that i think about it, i never ask people to R&R or the likes because honestly i never do it anyway and even for stories ive found really spectacular i still havent gone "you know what, i actually wanna bother" so ive just never bothered with asking people really- i mightave for one other fic because it was short as hell and i was feeling awful self-conscious about it or something, but uh
...besides, if anyone actually likes this im sure they'd do it themselves; they don't need me going LIKE RATE COMMENT SUBSCRIBE SHARE IT ON TWITTER FACESPACE MYBOOK AND so forth i think you get the picture; no need to patronize the audience, i assume they're smart enough to handle these things
==== TWO MILLION YEARS LATER ====
hi
"getting the hang of things" yeah okay old me don't kid yerself there you sucked DONKEY DICKS
this chapter was kind of a project to mangle because it had a lot of irrelevant elements too but it's pretty collected now
changelog:
o armored space flea fight changed to a more identifiable outsider battle, also with more reisen now
- was less of a battle and more of a SLAUGHTER
- my guy's not the star of the show (again) - w -
o i think there was a three shmucks battle we replaced
o some crap got replaced with mansion exploration and seeing the sights
o meeting hana was less crap in general
- actual intimatey bit wih her is more committal and actually intimate instead of pure unfiltered cringe
o yukari is less invasive
o psychological talk with yukari at fort stand
o my room wasn't blown up for no reason, i just decided to make a hallway fort because i felt like it
o sakuya brought me TENDIES DUDE
o chicken nugget molotov still there because why not
o meet koakuma a little sooner (because not meeting her earlier was a little awkward but hoh)
o fairy card mechanic for some early insane party shenanigans (also reality hacking in some cool fairies because trust me we'll see the shmuckheads again a lot more so we might as well)
- also remilia has a lot of fairies
- also it improves on her vampire lore
o conversations with remilia paint her more as a domineering mistress with the occasional charisma break instead of always being angry
o sakuya's just not totally angry anymore because there wasn't a reason for that honestly i guess young me just liked people being mad at me
- now that i think about it the 'angry anime tsundere' trope is just something really easy to latch onto and write to
- still can't believe i wrote that two years ago! it really is true when people say past you is a freakin' different person
o fic has a grim event a lot faster
- grim event helps flesh out how shit goes down in gensokyo
o eientei's more fleshed out and isn't just a meet and greet
o kaguya and mokou actually hate eachother. like, really hate eachother
o mokou TORCHES A BOY MY DUDES
o cut out entire scene returning to manor because screw that
so yeah this chapter required a fucking lot of work but it's cool now
so now the pace is coherent, the jokes are actually agreeable on a my-spine-doesn't-snap level and there's actually emotional variety
hoh
as always, see you all next time!
