(in which we go kaboggin)
"Hah- aah- nnh- fuck…" I sprint through the foliage of the Magic Forest, gettin' my ass outta dodge!
"Woao- oo~h!" Rumia wails behind me, twirlin' all around, trying to shake the fluffles from herself! "Oohf- nnn…" Oh, no! Rumia was defeated…!
As a tide of shifting nugget folk embrace her, they start coming after me next!
Running ahead through some parted foliage, I come to a- what is this, a palisade wall in the midst of the foliage!? Are you fuckin' kiddin' me!? I thought the thing about a forest was it didn't have walls what is this!?
This must be the answer to invisible walls, clearly. Oh, god, I'm in a shitty area of the woods where all I can do is progress linearly because the level design that be is gonna conspire to keep me in one specific valley. God, damn it.
Anyway, speaking of palisades, I'm just- hustlin' through a series of freakin'... in-laid valleys in the woods, and where this rut would let me out, there's more huge, tightly-packed palisade walls.
"honhonhonhonhonhonhonhonh" The fluffle horde slowly shuffles to life behind me…!
Alright- who set these palisades up. Were they just here-... or was it the fluffles?
Eventually, after dartin' around this weird rut that almost seems made for the fluffle pile to scuttle through, I come across a friendly face!
WOOSH! Marisa roars past me-
BOOM- BLAM- BOOM- BAM- BOOM! Oh. Wow. Marisa just blew through the fluffle pile on her broom, a bright trail of yellow and cyan stars exploding out, expanding, consuming the fluffles and then flashing out.
...Wow. That just killed all of them. No contest.
whump. What. Aw. A fluffle tries to headbutt my ankle. It survived the slaughter.
"upstart" It stated. "uppity" Yeah, you are…! "unh"
whump. How snug. It has an accessible forehead, making this entire exchange cuddly.
Marisa lowers from above next to me! "Heyo, dick-stick. Here to nab my books again? You mind if I turn ya into a fuckin' hankerchief?" Oh fuck!
"Yo- no!" I wave my arms at her! "It was not by my hand that I took yer books! Blame the purple mage!"
"Whatever, loser." Marisa's feeling spicy today! "So, what are you doin' out here? You're lucky these dust mites're keepin' the meatier youkai away. Your skin an' bones'd make a freakin' toothpick out here." Holy shit!
Idly, that makes me take a fingernail to my teeth- but fer some reason there ain't any built-up food or shit on them. Huh? "Speakin' a' toothpicks…"
"What-..." Marisa was somewhere between assaulting me for picking my teeth in front of her, and realizing that it'd be weird if she did snap at me for that! "Man. Why do I wanna snap at you so bad?"
I grin! "Probably 'cause we're like the same polarities of a battery! Except I'm munted."
Marisa starts to smirk too! "...Y'know, that's actually- well, no! Why don't you just go on back to the village an' live quietly? All yer doin' out here is gettin' in my way, ze."
"Rinnosuke asked me!" I hold my arms out! "An' I wanted to get the EXP from the 'slay ten nuggets' quest!"
"No- I mean-" Marisa beams viciously...! "Outside the village! Runnin' around Gensokyo's overworld! Last time we took ya on a quest, 'cause ya wanted to come along- we basically had to hold yer hand the entire damn time! An' if Patchy wants my books- she can really get them her damn self… oo- or ask for them back sometimes, or trade, or-"
Shakin' her head, she glares me down! "Point is, loser, just step back and lemme do all the work."
Honestly, I kinda like how much energy she puts into the word 'loser' but that's just me…! "What if I don't."
...Marisa gives me a slightly cynical look! "This's the part where you get mad that I'm makin' fun of you."
How'm I supposed to stay mad at you when you're so damn cute. Maybe don't say that! All her insults are going to my dick instead of my head. Alright- why am I in one of these moods, what's goin' on?
"I'm mad." I say the first thing that comes to mind instead! "'Cause I'm Brad. I'm a mad lad…!"
Marisa seems to have also realized the mutual futility in bullying me. "...Damn. You mighta been right 'bout the whole polarities crap. Fuckin'- stop getting a boner! What the hell!" What- how'd you know!? Oh, it's these shitty sweatpants, isn't it? Damn it, dude!
Alright, ya know what. "Let's agree to never talk about this again." I blame not having masturbated for a handful of days. The horny energy dwells deep. I've entered heat mode, son.
Marisa smiles slightly awkwardly! "Yeah- deal. Anyway, the fuck's the point in you just running around? Go find a haughty girl to talk down ta you in the village."
Yo- hey! "When'd this become about me findin' a girl!? I wanna see the sights, dude! I'm afraid of floss and old age."
...Marisa tries to fight a grin, but is unsuccessful. "The fuck's floss- okay…"
"honhonh honhonhonh honh honh" Uh oh. Here they come, dude!
"Quick!" I take out my bomb-elemental hanger thing! "Marisa- hold this!" I toss it for her!
"Oh- hey!" She catches it-
BOOM! Wait- oh.
Thump! She does a backflip off her broom, and onto her face. "Nghk- nn…!" Her hat slowly flutters down to join her…! Oh, no!
"Mario!" I yell fer her! "We're screwed, Ma- ario!" I try to imitate Luigi's voice, as I stand over her!
"honh honh HONH HONH" Oh shit the fluffles-
Marisa lunges up and grabs me- "This's all yer fuckh- fhuck- fa-"
She pulls me onto the ground with her- and the fluffles start to pile on over us!
Marisa is simultaneously still really cute and also- ow- ogh- uh fuck- nghk- "Fuck- motherfuck! Nnghk! Aaa~h!" She yells as we get parted by the fluffles…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Bam. Marisa kicks open the back door to the Kourindou, disheveled and slightly dirty, carrying a little chest full a' Rinnosuke-related paraphernalia.
I shiver, slightly chilly. The fluffles took all my heat energy, dude. We were fwoobashed.
Thump. Setting the box down on his central table back here, Marisa turns her flat glare to me. Y'know- Marisa playing the straightman feels weird. I feel like she doesn't often.
"Y'fuckin'..." She's about to begin a sentence, but-
"Say something Patchy would say." I instantly interject. "Your expression is very much- y'know- a her one…!"
"Wha-..." She blinks, before continuing, taking my suggestion. "That would have gone better if you weren't there t- to begin with." Then, she looks weird! "Sh- shit, sayin' it like that's weird…!"
Not gonna lie, monotone proper angry girl Marisa is some extreme and unfounded energy. Unfortunately, that is likely the one time I'll ever get to hear that!
We romp on back into the main room where Rinnosuke's lethargically sinking into the counter, leaned against it.
"Hey, Kourin, stop dying." Marisa snapped her fingers before his face! "I got a buncha yer shit back. Some of the random crap- like this one stereo thing- and some a' the larger shit's busted, though."
...Frowning, Rinnosuke nodded. "I see. Thank you."
"No thanks to this fuckin' clown." Marisa frowns at me! "What the hell'd you see in him, Kourin? Did you really send him?"
Rinnosuke grins a little! "...It's not like you to be like this. What'd he do?"
"He-" Marisa frowns harder, and points at me! "He's just in the way! Dude's-... nnh!"
"Your big hat is fluffy." Marisa's hat is so fuckin' big oh my god dude.
"St- stop flirting with me!" Marisa is going to give me a heart attack.
...Smiling, Rinnosuke relaxes some. "I suppose I should thank the both of you, even if Marisa probably got more done. I'll need to reinforce the shop in some way, to keep those things from… appearing, or whatever it is that they do."
Marisa seemed ta focus on that idea. "Some just popped up in my house the other day. They always seem ta come from inside, somehow. I don't think I've seen 'em arrive ever. Kinda like mice, but even mice're less evasive an' annoying."
...thump! What, aw! That's when a fluffle dropped from above, and into Marisa's arms! "Wh- ah…!"
"swedish fish" It bounced around in her arms, and got all dusty! "lugnut! ! ! ! ! ! !" What!
"It's a Zigzagoon!" I exclaim! "Shaped like a friend…"
Marisa threw it at Kourin- I mean Rinnosuke! "Get it the hell outta here!"
boof. Rinnosuke did not have the ninja ultra god reflexes Sakuya has, and just gets clobbered in the face by the dust nugget. Provided, it was like getting hit by a pillow, but it left his glasses disheveled, and he looked like he was about to sneeze. "Ngh- yhou-... aa-..." Oh, no! "Achoo!"
...Both me and Marisa ducked and covered from the sneeze, just in case. Marisa gives me a drained look! "Stop-... freakin'..."
I wanna say 'make love not war' but I think at that point I'd actually be flirting with Marisa. "...Make love, not war!" Woohoo!
Marisa pouts at me really hard! "Mmrgh…"
We both ascend from behind the counter, and man Marisa's cuddly.
After brushing his own face some, adjusting his glasses, Rinnosuke beheld her awkwardness. "...You know, you probably should think about a boyfriend at some point."
"Alright." Marisa's had enough! "I'm 'boutta head out."
"Oh? Without stealing anything?" Rinnosuke's wild, dude!
"'Boutta head out." Casting an arm to the air, Marisa saunters for the door. "Peace!"
Ding, ding! The shop bell chimes, as Marisa gets the hell on outta here.
...I turn ta Rinnosuke! "I think she likes you." He makes a bold statement!
"Yeah, well," I am a strange man when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I am also not supposed to know anything about all that lovey-dovey stuff! "I am nugget."
"...I see you've used up all your mental energy." Rinnosuke gave me some wistful nods. "I suppose I would have too."
What. Okay! "Weird flex but okay!"
...It's like I spoke Greek ta him! But he kinda just dismisses my weirdness. He's probably sorta used to dealing with whackos.
"Did you want anything? It'd be fair, after you helped with that errand." Rinnosuke offered. Ho~h… "It can't be anything too valuable, however." Well, yeah.
I wonder. Now that I'm actually here… hmm. It's not like I need more hanger parts at this rate, I already got some stuff from him. Wait. Aw, dude.
Raising a finger, I've gotta make a supposition. "Do ya got kool-aid, dude!?" Yes dude!
He blinks idly. "Cool-... aid…?"
No, with a K. Wait- nevermind that. "Yeah! It'sa drink. Comes in these little fruity canisters a' powder- ya mix it all up wit' water, an' then you're done!"
He furrowed his brows. "...I think I know what you're talking about. But, I believe you're mistaken." Wh- who, what. You just learned what kool-aid was, an' yer callin' me out…!?
Leaving the counter, Rinnosuke browsed up to a pile of shit, and reached in…
Oh, shit! It's a can a' Kool-Aid! He carried the powder canister in his arms as he came back around the desk, and sat it down.
"This is a fuel canister."
Aa-... you-... you don't say.
...Rinnosuke read my sudden skepticism, and smiled! "Am I wrong?"
"It's full of fucking sugar." I return…! "How-... what engine uses sugar."
"A kappa-made one, perhaps." Alright- valid point, but still! "Novelty ones, I assume." Yeah, novelty engines. Ain't no fuckin' novelty engines where I came from! "How do you know it's full of sugar? One doesn't typically open fuel cells, even as a hobby."
I hold my arms out! "'Cause it ain't a fuel cell! It's cheapo drink mix! Who freakin' told ya it was a fuel cell!?"
"I deduced it with my ability." Wh- your ability? Oh, that's right! Rinnosuke can determine the use of objects, or somethin'. ...Wait, why the fuck's a can a' Kool-Aid interpreted as a fuel cell…!?
"And- yer ability told you it was fuel, and not food." So we're on the same page…
"Quite." He gave me a nod. "Not to be rude, but… even if you're from the outside, in this particular scenario, I'd rather not chance you being wrong. It being a fuel cell, I'm pricing it at fifty-thousand yen, above the threshold for things I'd reasonably let you take."
Wha~t. Dude, it's like a bad joke…! I just wanted some fuckin' Kool-Aid…!
I see how it is, dude. I've just gotta get a Kool-Aid canister from somewhere else. An' then I'll show him. I'll pour that Kool-Aid all over his face…!
"If you're looking for exotic beverages, however, I do have something for you…" Don't even bother, Rinnosuke. You have vanquished my love for the shitty sugar-and-water beverage that is Kool-Aid in the same way you have vanquished my spirit.
thump. Oh. He took one of them big soda bottles you get from pizza places out, setting it on the counter. "How about this?"
Hot take: I fucking hate carbonated anything. This includes soda! But…
It'sa big bottle of Pepsi. "Personally…" Rinnosuke frowned at it. "I don't like it." Oh, shit. "It's apparently a commonly produced beverage on the outside, but I just can't seem to understand the appeal. It's similar to what you described, largely just sugar and water. This may've been what you were talking about."
After a moment of me staring and being weirdly tired for a moment, he scratches under his nose. "I still drink it for its luxury appeal however." Rinnosuke lives in either the best or the worst timeline and I can't tell which.
I shake my head. "Well, this wasn't what I was lookin' for, and also, I hate it."
"Oh." He snorted! "Why?"
"It's carbonated!" I reveal! "S'not very flavorful, the bubbles annoy me, it leaves me gassy and it's all sugar so it rots my teeth, and there ain't even a chance it's decent for me."
"...Hu~h." Rinnosuke nodded slowly. "You are a man of taste as well, then." Ooh…! "I'm afraid I haven't much else in terms of outsider beverages, aside from canned beer. Unless, you'd like some tea?"
Ain't a beer man myself, and tea, hmm… y'know what. Actually…
I take the big soda bottle. "On second thought- I might have a use for this that ain't drinkin' it!"
...Rinnosuke gives me a slightly concerned look! "It's not my business what you do with it… but it'd be great if you didn't do something stupid with it."
"I'll try!" Try to do somethin' stupid with it that is! "Thanks, yo!" Let's go!
"...Have a good one." Knowin' not to stop someone when they're on a roll, Rinnosuke lets me mosey on off! "Take care."
"Yeah- see ya!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I'm totally making a fucking bomb out of that soda. Damn, I shoulda asked if Rinnosuke had any Mentos. Doesn't it have to be diet Coke, too? Diet soda? Aah, whatever. Worst case scenario, I can just pour the shit all over someone and leave them sticky for the next ten years.
What even-... if this were the outside, I could Google why the diet Coke and Mentos things happens, but I never thought to look up something so irrelevant! S'definitely not off the top of my head!
On that note, what even are Mentos? I might never be able to find out, dude. The knowledge is lost to the recesses of humanity's erased history. No one knows, dude.
Anyway… where'm I gonna get off to now?
I was just at the village… but I'm thinkin' of browsin' back there fer some reason. It's nearbyish. There's Reimu's shrine, but… hmm.
Haven't really gotten the chance to just wander the village and see it all wholesale an' on my own yet, have I? Not that it's particularly easy on the eyes, but… unlike on the outside, I can kinda just go wherever I want and do whatever I wanna do!
Man, these past few days have been a trip! I'm already thinking of the computers Kaguya an' Sanae have, 'cause now I've remembered how pretty much all of my daily everythings were computer related.
Now that I'm just roaming a really rustic world, it's… different. Pleasantly so, 'cause Gensokyo! Well, y'know, sans the monsters that might bite my dick off if I step the wrong way.
Let's stop ambling around and actually pick a direction!
I'm gonna go~... to the village! Don't feel like getting facesat by any fairies right now!
Turning right at the path laid before the Hakurei Shrine, I begin to get goin'. Aw, dude, maybe they sell fried dough. Somehow I'm all hungry again, even though breakfast was really not that long ago… and normally, I don't get that hungry!
Maybe it's 'cause I'm in a snacky mood. Snacks, dude. They're fun to eat, and fun, and also fun.
Then, suddenly, a dude runs past me. He's a young-ass dude, like me! Well, I'm not that young. Is eighteen-... well, I'd figure that's young. I'm also not that good at judging age...!
This guy's probably twenty-something. "Hah-... nnh-... ha~h…" He's runnin' like hell. He just took off on the path ahead of me!
I run after him! And- oh god, I don't run often. "Yo!" I call out! "What's u~p!?" Man, my voice gets high-ish when I yell. I didn't speak often on the outside, dude…!
It's at this moment I remember how retarded the village guardsmen's armor is. They get like a fuckin' metal bib for when they spill food on themselves and that's about it! Also, like, knee braces, and some thigh metal pad things. Really fuckin'... worthless armor. They might just not have smiths, or somethin'. Maybe not enough smiths!
Their undershirts are always the same kinda uniform, though. Brownish, greyish. S'like a sweater kinda.
He looks back at me, with a doomed expression, an' bolts on ahead summore. "God-... fh- nnh-..." He's fallin' all over himself.
What the fuck's he running from? ...What're we running from!?
Then-
CLOP- CLOP! CLOP- CLOP! Dirt's kicked up aside the path to the village, as something big and black comes along my left.
It advertently strafes away from me, or rather, just purposefully avoids me, as if I'm blocking a school's hallway.
It's a big, black horse, and atop it is a suit of armor with no head.
CLOP- CLOP! CLOP- CLOP! It comes up aside the running man, who twists to look at it, eyes wide. "No! Fuck! Go- aa-"
SHING! Then, from the aether, the headless horseman draws a blade of pure orange, and arcs it down, effortlessly, through the guy's neck.
FWII~SH! That is blood. A lot of blood.
thu- thud. The man's head rolls around on the dirt path, now neon red, as the geyser of blood from his neck ends as fast as it began. It marks a stained circle in the brown soil, where his body lamely collapses in a lanky heap.
It takes a moment fer me to realize: yeah wow I just saw a man get fuckin' drive-by'd! By a whatever-that-is! Dullahan!? Armor!? Some kinda youkai shit, I don't care!
CLOP- CLOP… CLOP, CLOP. The thing's horse rears to a stop way ahead, its black cloak billowing in the air as it pivots around. Oh, shit, it's facing my way…! I dunno if it plans to come and target me next- but I'll be honest and say I have no plans on finding out!
Whelp. Second verse- same as the first!
From the bag 'round my waist, I draw my rope made of fairy panties, which culminates in a sling flail at the tip, holdin' one of Reimu's Hakurei yin yang orbs.
Woosh. Here we go, son. We're leaving! Time to fast travel!
Woosh… woosh, woosh, woosh. Slowly, as I use both arms to jankily heave the flail around, it begins to spin faster without my help- and soon, with just a little focus and tensing a' the muscles-...
Wooshwooshwooshwoosh! Wahaha! We've got liftoff!
CLOP- CLOP! CLOP- CLOP! Ooh shit- here it comes! It's comin' after me!
"He- hahaha~!" As I ascend, I taunt the horse! "Too bad ya can't fly huh- motherfucker!? Yeehaw!" I'm ascending to the great rodeo in the sky, son…! "Country roa~ds! Take a' me home!" Super flying cowboy mode: activated!
As I bob into the air, ascending past the treetops, I behold the bright world around me-
WOOSH! Oh holy shit-
SHWING! ...Wow. I felt the fucking wind off that.
The thing can't fly- but that sure as hell almost didn't stop it. Yeah, the horse leapt so fucking high it could've cleared the trees, and the armor upon it swung so fucking hard… that it sent itself and the horse spinning around in the air. Even if that didn't cut anything important- I would've gotten fuckin' ragdolled and turned into a stain on the ground fer sure!
"Ho- hoh…" Beaming, high on adrenaline as I hold onto the string of panties fer dear life, I let the wind carry me to the Human Village…! "Ya don't fuck wit' a Mario brother, son!" Yeah- let's just-... go!
...Oh. Oh, this thing-... oh, wow.
Okay, so I'm flyin' to the village, right? I keep lookin' down- a bad idea because wow that's a lotta down- but the fucker's following me. He's slowly strolling along, waiting for me to land. Holy shit. That killing intent…!
Well. I guess the worst has indeed come to pass! I have encountered a youkai on the Hakurei Shrine path who can and will murderify everything it sees.
Now- not gonna lie, I assumed if I was gonna die, it'd be 'cause Rumia crept up on me from the brush and thought my arm looked like a sirloin steak. Or somethin' else jumpin' me. Not a fuckin' dude on a horse galloping along the path at me!
Well, it sucks ta be this horse thing, 'cause I ain't landin' until we reach the suburbia. As, uh, suburban as the village gets. I dunno what you'd call it!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
WHAM! Uuh. Eheh…
I landed on some random village rooftop inside, after the guards on the walls pointed at me and started freakin' out! Let's get scarce! And, uh…
Thunk! Pulling the yin yang flail from the shitty flat rooftop I embedded it in, I quickly shovel it away- slightly careful not to tangle any part of it in case I ever gotta escape again- and uh…
Oh, boy, getting down from this rooftop. Wait… ah, good, there's some shit leaned up against this house. S'one story too, so…
Clack- shoof. I slide down a thin wood board set up against the house-
Thud! That-... was more landing than I bargained for- but I don't feel like I should've blown up any of my bones, so that's fine. Landed on my feet, by the way!
As I meander into this village road's midst, I look around. Maybe I can act like none of that even happened. ...Yeah, might as well. I don't think-
Why's the gate just open. What the fuck. It's straight-up just open. There's even guards standing around it. Make up your freakin' minds! And-
Clop- clop, CLOP- CLOP! Yeah, that's about as I expected the moment I saw it open! The fuckin' horsie youkai- it belted on inside, and the guards immediately flipped shit!
"Aa-" Villagers react, gettin' off the road ASAP. Kids, chicks, and dudes all just kinda find an alley and book it. "Woah…!"
But, the horse boy's not necessarily focusing on me.
Before me, there's this redhead girl. She was lookin' down at a box of some kinda beauty product in her hand, when she turned to face the oncoming horseman. Man- she has a lotta collar on that greyish-reddish jacket of hers…!
And then, she has no collar.
SHING! 'Cause as he passes by, the horseman up and lops off her head in one fell swoop.
...But, there was no blood. The collar of her jacket flew off in the wind on its own, and her head rolled around in the air.
CLOP- CLOP, CLOP- CLOP! As the horseman darted further into the village, uh…
The girl's head rolled back down, onta her shoulders, and she used both arms to grab onto it.
"That-..." She looked slightly annoyed. "That was surprising… and- slightly rude…" She looked over at me, realizing I just watched all that from the alley nearest her!
Wait-... she's Sekibanki. Yeah. She's a dullahan girl. Her head don't necessarily need to be attached to her shoulders! She's… quite literally the worst target to behead.
Lookin' down, I see that her beauty product thing ended up over near me in the action. Probably flew outta her hands if she jumped from how sudden that all was.
Bending down, I pick it up. Oh, s'hair dye. Blonde hair dye…
I could tell it was a beauty product- 'cause even from afar, you can see the blonde chick on the front of the box looking eternally satisfied by the fact her hair is, in fact, blonde.
Sekibanki comes up to me. I hold it out fer her, an' she swipes it back from me.
"Thank you." She tries to tug on her collar to hide her face better- but the entire thing's gone, so she just grabs the air near her cheek instead! "Damn-..."
She does have a neck- but I see what the deal with the collar is now. There's a really visible seam there, and some sorta… blue particles emit from it now and again. They seem ta bend space and light, fer some reason.
...CLOP- CLOP! CLOP CLOP! Oh, shit! The horseman billows by again- his armor stuck with some arrows, an' shit.
WOOSH! He leaps right over the gate of the village as it begins to shut, ascending off into the blue aether. Holy fuckoli.
Sekibanki immediately darts down the alley I'm in. I move to follow her!
She pauses as I tail her, and- woah she got close. "What do you want."
I put my hands up! "Wh- dyah-... hello!?" Hello, friend!
"You won't want to find out what I could do to you if you don't forget you saw me today." Sekibanki's evil, dude! "Alright?"
I put my arms up. "But- I'm cuddly. An' I'm gonna be honest- I'm more scared a' yer distant relative back there! You guys related- or just distant members a' the same species…!?"
"I don't know what that thing is." Sekibanki seemed to open up to the idea of talkin' 'bout it though! "I don't really care either. You-..." She narrowed her eyes some. "You know what I am then, don't you? So easily, too?"
"Yeah." I nod. "You're cuddly."
...She blinks some, dude. "St- stop screwing with me."
"As a footnote, I don't actually live at the village. I'm an outsider-... an outspider man." Yeah, dude. Spiderman.
Somehow, that seems ta make her relax some. "...Oh. Then… you wouldn't know anything about this village."
"Nope!" I grin! "I know-... more than I should about youkai! But that's it!" Masking the fact I just kinda knew who you were for no good reason. "You're a dullahan. Have-"
Wait. Dude. "Have you ever gotten a whole army of people to pick the nose of every one of your heads for you…!?"
...What a mixed expression she's got! "It's- not generally a good idea to disrespect youkai, you know."
"Yeah, yo. Not generally." I grin! "But I know what I'm doin'! Y'see- I'm a youkai wrangler, as they call me in the west. I take the fluffles, wrap 'em up in cocoons, and then take a big sniff." I sniff deeply for emphasis. "...O- ow." That hurt my nose…!
...Sekibanki just kinda gaze up at the air, an' then starts to move. Wait, where's she goin'.
"Let's go have tea." Oh. Wait- how'd I get invited to tea. "Outsider… how long have you been here?"
"Ten hours. Ten days. Ten years."
Sekibanki pauses, and stares me down! "Pick one."
"...Half a week!" I admit! "S'been kind of a trip!"
She nods, and keeps goin' again. "The sun's going to set soon." Oh, shit, right. It is late noon now… "Do you have anywhere to sleep?"
"Yeah I do." I grin. "The sweet, cold embrace of the night sky, and hypothermic death."
"Wh-..." Aw, there we go. That's the kinda joke Sekibanki likes. "...Se- seriously. If you don't have anywhere, you can sleep with me for the evening." Wait, woah what. "Not in a bed, however. I only have one. It's mine." Oh.
I shrug ta myself as we walk along. "That could be fun." Wouldn't hafta worry 'bout gettin' raped by fairies, or facesat in my sleep, either. Or, at this point, molested by Ha-chan, that cyan-haired fairy I made friends with just recently…!
"...Fun?" Sekibanki gives me a weird look! "You're going to be sleeping on a wood chair, if even. You call that fun?"
I grin back! "Yeah I do! It's roughin' it, dude! It's like camping, 'cept urban!"
...Sekibanki shook her head, and some blue, light-bending aura came from her neck fer a moment. "You outsiders. Not that I've met many of you myself… but, of those I have met, you all seem… very much different, yet very… the same."
Ah. Well, yeah. "Kinda, yeah." I nod. "We live in a society…!"
Sekibanki clicks her tongue! "Smartass." Wahaha! "Despite that, you're weirder than the par standard."
Aw, yeah, par. We're golfin' now, dude. "I am pa-... par." Why'd I stutter-... wait-...
I drop onto one knee-
"Bwaugh- uuh!" Oh- fuck- what the fuck… I- I… threw up! Ye- yeah…
Splat! It's red, gelatinous, and-... it's brighter than blood, so it can't be that. It meets the dirty alley floor with a somehow satisfying splat. There's no stomach acid with it, or anything, just-... what the fuck was that?
Sekibanki looks chill about it. "Those jokes were so bad even you didn't like them." You- fr- freakin'...! "You okay?"
"Ye- yeah… I think." Didn't get any on me. Man, look at that fuckin'... blob.
"You know why that happened?" Sekibanki began to move again, leaving my jello here.
"...I'm dying?" I take a guess! "My bones-... have seceded from the rest of my body?"
"Yes, your bones are seceding from your body." Sekibanki confirms! Oh shit!
...Grinning, she shook her head! "You drank a potion earlier, I assume." Oh, fuck, so that's the drawback. "It's not entirely common for it to-... you know, do this. But, it's pretty obvious when it does. Especially if you don't drink them often."
I must've barfed up the tonic itself then. She implies if I got more acclimated to them, I'd do less barfing. Fair enough, I guess. I mean, the potions're life, so freakin'... whatever. I did drink my first one earlier today. When that bomb hanger thing blew up in Rinnosuke's shop and something got embedded deep in my shoulder. Fun times!
"Anyway. Let's go." She starts movin' faster. Aw…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Wow, houses in this village are crap. They're munted!
Sekibanki's house is one story, with a whopping two rooms. I don't even know where she takes a shit. She probably has to use a fuckin' bucket. No, this is not just her house. She's not in the poor house. This is what every house looks like.
"This house is munted." I announce.
"Mu- munted?" Sekibanki chuckles…! "That's-... certainly a way to describe it, yes…"
"An' worst of all, it's ugly. ...No offense!" It's identical to all the commie-houses around it. Made of fuckin'... I dunno, I wanna be comical and say playing cards and paper mache. I mean, the walls themselves look kinda sturdy, made of… wood and shit, nailed together shack-style 'cept thicker, but the roofs? Man. It's just a fuckin' layer. Where's the insulation!? Dry wall!? ...Japanese paper walls, even!?
None of these houses, 'cept for like Akyuu's manor and a couple notables are actually even Japanese architecture. These places-... they're not any architecture. They're piles of bullshit!
"None taken." Sekibanki seems to agree! "...Candy?"
She's got a bowl of peppermints on the table. Her one table. She owns a vanity and a table. Some chairs too- that needs clarification.
That's it. That's the common room. Home sweet freakin' home! One bedroom, no bath!
It feels like we're in a fuckin' tent and not a house. At the very least, Seki here seems to have a like, miniature fireplace to keep us both from dying slowly as night sets in. Considering how awkwardly positioned along the back it is, it might've been DIY or just custom-made.
"I have so many questions." Like, really…!
"Me too." Sekibanki smiles! "...This is human life in Gensokyo."
Wait. "Where do you guys bathe."
"Onsen." Sekibanki replies. Oh, right. That stuff exists.
"Ah, shit. Don't got onsen where I'm from…" I lean back in this stiff ass wood chair…! Aah, s'not different from school chairs honestly. Jarring compared to the mansion's cushy scarlet everythings though.
Next question. "Where do you guys take shits."
"We use magic to remove such things… although, not having proper bathrooms is… not great." Sekibanki supplied… "Normally, the toilet has a basic spell to demolish everything inside with the press of a button. Villagers tend to not trust magic, but this is an exception. Convenience and all."
Wait, so no plumbing? Damn. Even the romans had plumbing, dude. Maybe. Maybe I don't know what I'm talkin' about…!
...Not gonna lie, though, for how shitty this all is, it's quite cozy. Sittin' by this fire, staring out the one icy window the place has, which is faced at a fucking wall adjacent to this house. Cool view.
But, even like that, up close you can still see the sky from the window's tops. "The fact they put windows in these shitty walls is slightly impressive."
"Is it?" Sekibanki doubts me! "Even abandoned cabins in the woods have windows." Hmm… yeah, good point.
It must be that thing where the entire structure's so unimpressive I'm actually impressed by the little things 'cause they're actually in perspective. Like, if I ever built a house for the first time, without reading about any of the procedure, it'd probably look something like this!
"Anyway..." Sekibanki looks tired, dude. Tiredbanki. Sekisleeps-alot dude. I wonder if she has a buncha spare, identical jackets in case anything like today ever happened. Well- maybe not attempted horseback beheadings exactly, but y'know… wear and tear.
She stands up, and begins to head for her room. Head. He he, ye ye, man. "Night's approaching. I-... have some things to do. I'll be in my room. Do not disturb me."
"Things ta do, huh." She's going to sniff fluffles. "Do ya got a hot date. Are you gonna go eat people!? Do your heads cannibalize one another…!?"
She gives me a firm look! "...I'm not one of the youkai who eats people, if you were wondering. If that was the case, you'd already be dead."
But that'd be anticlimactic! Not that there was a climax to begin with, but- can you imagine…!?
"I feed off fear." Sekibanki explained! "...That said, if I ever try it and like it, I might become the type of youkai to fancy flesh."
I shake my head. "Nope. Already established ya weren't."
...Sekibanki falters. "That- is too tryhardy, isn't it…? Then again, you outsiders… you're often more numb to fear than you should be. For better or worse. Perhaps better, to the carnivorous. Worse for kinds like me."
I like how I just casually met Rumia again earlier, and she got her ass kicked by the fluffle horde. S'probably what Marisa meant by the fluffles warding off the burlier faces!
"Anyway…" Wait- when'd Seki put a new coat on. This one's got her red-and-black collar back! "I'm off to light up the night. No hiding things from you, after all. There's nothing valuable in my room… but still, don't go in there."
Creak. She pans open the room to her door- I mean the door to her room! "If anyone tries to break in, feel free to fight them."
Wait, yo! "Yo- can I come with?"
"You're too tired. No."
What- how'm I-...
Oh, I am kinda lethargic. I feel it in my eyes, kinda. I'm doomed, dude.
Wait. "If you aren't gonna use yer bed, how come I can't…?"
"Because screw you." Uh oh. "It's my bed, and I prefer it still smell like me when I get back. You have a fire to keep loaded, and a roof over your head. Beggars can't be choosers."
"I mean, fair enough!" Seki's slightly selfish, but realistically so! ...Pannin' my gaze to the candy, I take a piece. Peppermint's good, dude.
"Bye." With that, Sekibanki unceremoniously slams the door.
Click. Wow, she even locks it…!
S'just me, her fireplace, a pile of wood next to it and this candy.
...As the sunset dims outside, I purse my lips, and get on the floor before the fire.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Nngh…
Ow. These hard wood floors… I mean, Seki keeps hers clean, but oof…! They kinda kick your ass as you sleep!
Somehow, this isn't as bad as I expected though. I feel oddly… comfy, and well-rested. I expected not to fall asleep at all. Maybe it was the fire in the midst of the dark room.
Oh- oh, shit. My head's on a pillow. A little, blue plaid blanket was draped over me. ...I'm still on the floor, that much hasn't changed, but apparently someone situated me while I was asleep…!
Rolling over, somehow cozy next to the fire and on this patch a' floor before it, I stretch out. Aw yeah… can't run outta space to stretch here. This is the floor, son.
"Hnn- aah…" Just gotta stre~tch…!
"I can't believe you actually slept on the floor."
Sekibanki's sitting before me, lookin' at me! She's at the table, so her body's faced away from me. "I was joking, you know. ...I thought you'd have slept in one of the chairs, at least. Or, on the table."
Did she even joke about this, or did I just decide to lie down? Ah, whatever. "Mmn…" Still tired, for obvious reasons, bu~t…
"Haah…" I yawn, and start to rise. Adjustin' my navy blue clothes, I kinda get on up…
Alright! I'm ready to kick ass, son! Still- feeling slightly doomed, but y'know what who cares. "Y'know- I heard the saying 'room and board', but that was more a' both than I expected…!"
...Sekibanki furrows her brows! "Are you just always thinking of jokes?"
S'there any dust on me? Maybe some. I pat myself down a little. "...Maybe!" Kinda just comes to me, even if a number of 'em are just me throwin' shit at the wall!
Now that the new day is here, I am free to mingle with the fluffles as I so please. "Thank, uh… thank you for the room!"
Sekibanki's brows furrow even more! "Don't thank me. I hardly even did anything. I just let you squat is all."
"Well, s'cause of you I ain't dead!" I smile big, dude. Big thumbs up! Time to smash Seki's like button! Alright- let's not follow my morning wood's opinion on where to take this conversation. "So-... thanks!"
Wait, also. "Ooh- and, uh… can I come back here at a later date?"
...Sekibanki considered it passively. "Hmm. Maybe. Don't count on it." Aw, cool.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Y'know… I can't place it, but there's something vacant about how shitty this village looks. With the cold blue morning sky overhead, as the sun rises on these decrepit-ass buildings, and gold light begins to coat the distant treetops and Youkai Mountain.
This is Gensokyo. But, this village man… it just feels wrong, dude!
Well… it took a short encounter of the horse kind and a sleepover at Sekibanki's, but I'm here. I'm at the village, dude. All on my lonesome, and ready to explore.
Keine gave me some kinda map earlier-... I think I still got it. Do I even got the money for a diner? Let's maybe not…
Actually, speakin' a' Keine, maybe I should see that school. Yeah- school. The first thing I wanna see after escaping the fuckin' rat race outside. I'm truly a glutton for punishment, at this rate.
But nah, I think it probably goes different here. Only got one school building, after all. If nothing else, the school progression is at least, at minimum, stunted. Munted…! I~ have too much fun with the word 'munted'.
The village square's full of life, dude.
As I browse into the village square, random conversations enact all around me, an' I only catch fragments. "Hey, hey. Have you seen my cat? I can't find 'em anywhere…"
"Five hundred yen! For five hundred yen- it could be yours!"
"Baked goo~ds! ...Baked goo~ds!"
"Have you read-"
"Aina-chan, are you going to the-"
"Fruit! Custom imports! Can't find it anywhere else!"
"Gensokyo-grown!"
...Aw. What's this…? Aw! I found a stand for the Bunbunmaru. At least, that's what I think it is. Reachin' into it as I near the kinda derelict stall it's propped up against, I take one…
Oh. Right, Japanese. I am but an illiterate hoodlum. Help, no.
There's a cute picture of Reimu looking slightly frustrated on the cover though, so I'll take this copy anyway. It… doesn't look like anyone's here to give a shit. Y'know- just in case these actually cost like ten cents per or something.
So, how this village square's set up… I'm not sure if I described it before.
Dirt pattern on the floor in the center. Stalls along the edges. Square itself is, well, a dirt square patch in the floor. Still more like a circle, 'cause of all the stalls, and how they're tilted around, but the pattern itself is a square.
People populate the center, then they browse the circle, viewing stalls. Some strange vending even happens amidst the people, from dudes with wagons, or just walking salespeople.
It's strange, but s'probably 'cause I'm just… not at all used to any of this!
"No, no, Keiko. That is not how you proposition a suitor."
Idly, I turn to two chicks as they seemingly approach me while I'm just kinda standin' here…! One's got fluffy, navy-colored hair, and the other's got long black hair.
"But-... but I don't-" Navy-girl is fidgety, flighty, and most of all, fluffy.
Meanwhile, the black-haired chick is trying to goad her! "You'll never amount to anything in our family if you can't serve your role. Gather strength and talk to him." Ho~h…!
"But- I'm a maiden-"
"An unnecessary one, at that. Talk, to, him."
"Fa- fine… if- if it makes you happy- then…"
The thin, navy-haired girl with really fluffy hair stumbles up to me, unsure and more doomed than I felt after sleeping on the floor…!
"Um… he- hello." Navy-girl's in some kinda… orange-ish shrine maiden outfit. It's white and orange, reminding me of Reimu's, but it's actually got armpit coverage. It's an actual miko outfit! Orange is a weird off-color replacement for red, though. It's really distinctly orange, so it can't be my eyes playin' tricks.
She bows before me. "Will- you be my boyfriend!?"
"Why me." Son. "What's all this, now…!?"
The black-haired chick immediately intervenes! "This is my dear sister, Keiko. Forgive her awkwardness. She's been looking-" she pauses, staring me over, then over Keiko, "for a cheap fuck." Wat.
Keiko flinches, and her eyes widen in both surprise and-... what's that, despair? She really is doomed…! "Wh- ah…"
The black-haired girl wraps her arm around Keiko! "Don't you want to just- fuck her, so bad? Her pale white skin- her soft, flat chest, her long and slightly ratty blue hair…"
An' I'm just like: "...What!"
The black-haired, orange-white shrine maiden sneers at me. "Well? What do you mean, 'what'? You're the scum that lurks this town, aren't you? Try and tell me this girl isn't delectable."
"Yeah- an' this character ain't selectable!" I'm not sure what's going on, but I am opposed! "This ain't Brad mode son- and I also like not having AIDs…!"
Black-haired chick blinks idly. "...Huh?" Did she not follow any of that? Wait- oh shit, is AIDs not a thing here…?
"Tsu- Tsuruko…" Keiko tried to slowly weave out from under Tsuruko's right arm, but she held on tightly. "I- I don't-"
"Shut up, whore." Tsuruko threatened her…! "Look at this man. Is he ugly?"
"We- well-... no, but-"
"Then fuck him." This is weird, man…! "He'll even pay you." Is this legal!? I don't think it is…!
Reaching into my bag- I take out a plant hanger! "I've got a plant hanger an' I know how ta use it! Leave me be, yo…!"
...Tsuruko beams at me! "Are you mentally ill? That's fortunate- because my sister here is too."
"Yeah- I'm mentally ill!" Whatever it takes ta get outta here! "An' I'm ready ta kill…!"
An' that's when another orange-white maiden came up to us, all of a sudden! "Hey, guys…"
Suddenly, Tsuruko was offa' Keiko, hands together. "Aa- ah… hello, sister."
Keiko stared at the floor, looking deflated.
"What're you two doing…" She looks suspicious! Then, she looks at me! "Who're you?"
"I like to sniff fluffles." Quite nuzzleable, and also large.
...Frowning, she gestured for them. "Well- whatever. Quit horsing around and come with me. We gotta set up the shrine stall, not harass random guys."
Tsuruko sighed. "...Yes, Tatsuako."
"Ye- yes…" Keiko shrank ten million sizes and became the size of an ant as she followed them. Me- metaphorically!
What a fuckin' weird bunch! An' not an entirely healthy one either!
...Am I just gonna pretend that didn't happen? Yeah- yeah, I think I am.
Instantly, I'm able to tell Keine's school is on west main street, 'cause it has one of those typical gates that lead into a Japanese school before it. And, uh, considering Gensokyo, it's probably really apt that the place has a perimeter wall.
Ignoring whatever the hell just happened I mosey on up to the gate, and uh… it's a gate alright!
It's also open, 'cause it's morning! Aw, I can see the school children movin' around, comin' to get schooled and or become school.
Man. Feels like just the other week I was goin' to school… 'cause I was. Now that I'm in Gensokyo, I don't need no edumacation shit, dude…!
...Also, considering the age demographic of most of these students, I really don't. Seems like morning's for the young'uns. We're talking like, eight to ten, and a couple teens who're omega shorter than me.
Then again, bein' a six foot tall American lad doesn't help! S'hard for me to get a sense of scale!
Browsing onto the school grounds, I look around. I oughta find Keine an' uh… toss fluffles at her.
I feel like I'm in a third world country, seeing all these kids in these kinda retro-ass backpacks with colorful clothes, surrounded by shit-tier shack buildings and dirt floors.
Although, somehow, Keine's school has a grass lawn on the inside. What the fuck. Where's the grass everywhere else. How's it forever dead. What happened…!?
This shit's weird! Maybe I'll ask Keine where all the freakin' grass went! I mean… I don't mind the dirt, 'cause forest stuff freaks me out a little, but I didn't realize how good grass makes the world look!
You know what's even more jarring? Outside these village walls- nature is on crack. The Magic Forest is full of beautiful lights an' fake stars. The night sky is flushed with bright stars, cosmic clouds and dark colors. Even during the day, the foliage and fairy folk are bustlin' with life.
Y'know what they say, son. The grass is always greener. If only I could throw up again!
"Oh…" Oh, hey. "It took me a moment to remember you." Wow, thanks!
Keine saunters up ta me, after we stared each other down a whole bunch.
"Hello, teach. She who teaches those to be teached. The teachees." Ho~h…
Keine tilted her head back. "I think you mean 'taught' and 'students', yes. And, I assume… you came here for a reason, maybe?"
"Nope!" I've, in all honesty, totally forgotten. "I think I was sight-seeing…!?"
Keine snorts! "Sight-seeing? Here?" Pft. Sad but true...! "There's so many other places to sight-see in Gensokyo. That feels like… a bad excuse."
...I hold my arms out! "Well-... then I don't got a reason!"
"Hmm." She purses her lips. "You have to be here for a reason." Hu~h. "Oh. I know. Did you go to school on the outside?"
"Yeah, I hated it." Straight-up! "Half of my teachers were kind of awful, some were good, and even the good ones got fucked over kinda by the higher-ups. Be glad you don't work for a board of education, or superintendents, or anyone else!" Oh, don't get me started on my rants about education! I could write a fuckin' book lemme tell ya! Ooh-
"Oh. So, you're one of those outsiders." Keine-... ooh, boy.
"Ha~h?" One of them, huh…?
"You should be grateful for what all your teachers did for you." Keine, hoo boy… "Even the ones who didn't feel like they were trying their hardest. The outside's a hard world."
"...Yeah. I don't-" Ohp-
"I take it you didn't do your homework either? Your displeasure with your grades isn't entirely the fault of your teacher, you know."
Hol' up. "I don't think you know exactly what you're talkin' about."
Keine blinked.
"I did all my damn homework. An' you know what? Some of it had a point. Some of it didn't. But ultimately? My opinion didn't fuckin' matter."
Keine looked away.
"Just like it doesn't matter here, 'parently." But I ain't here ta start a freakin' war wit'... lunchbox hat girl over here. "Geesh." Let's go find a pile a' bricks ta stare at!
"I-" Keine twisted away, and began to move. "I- I'm sorry. My head hurts…" Yeah- mine does too! S'what happens when I run inta stupid shit…!
...Well, with that, I just kinda leave. Man- I didn't expect gettin' an oddly generous amount a' hospitality from Sekibanki ta gettin' my ear chewed out by Keine fer existing immediately after. An' whatever happened between that, I kinda filtered that out…!
Wh-
thud. As I leave, I trip on a fluffle that's scurrying by. "Waaa~l!" What the fuck kinda noise was that!? Oh- man, my sweatpants now got dirt embedded inta the knees super hard.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The low murmur of life in the village square has slowly become white noise to me, as have the halls and rooms of school life. Oddly comforting, but also slightly annoying…
The sun's nice and warm. There's no breeze today, so my ass ain't grass. These sweatpants, this navy thin shirt? Dude- it's got like, negative wind resist, so ta speak! Winds pierce me…!
So here I stand, observing the happenings. I gotta find a-... aw, I wonder. Is there any fruit juice fer sale!? I gotta find the Kool-Aid, man. Gotta get that sugar fix, man…!
But, before I can really get to killing time with wild and random abandon, two hands lay down on either of my shoulders.
"Hey, buddy." A woman's deep-ish voice comes from my left…!?
"Oh- shit!" I twist around-
...Oh! Meiling grins at me, as I flinch away from 'er!
"Hey. Didn't see ya there." Meiling propped her arms on 'er own hips, and smiled. "You look lost."
"Well-" I mean, I was. "A little! I was lookin' fer Kool-Aid…!"
"For what now." Meiling has no idea, dude. Wait…
What's she doin' so far outta the mansion anyway? Doesn't she guard shit? "Yo- Meiling, don't ya have a gate ta guard…!?"
"Sometimes I do the shoppin' instead." Meiling easily replies… "It takes longer, but… it gives me some variety, y'know? 'Sides… it puts a few things in perspective fer Sakuya too. Who do you think gets to take my place while I'm gone?"
"A fluffle." I smile gently and grandly.
"Aah. No." Meiling smiles back! "It- it's Sakuya. Sakuya does."
"Oh."
"Anyway…" Meiling steps closer, and leans over me some…! Oh- hey, her chest is sorta large. Wait- "You're too easy to sneak up on."
Wh- woah! She wraps an arm around me, and pulls me along! "Keep that up, and a fairy'll slobber all over ya in no time. And… geez…"
Aa-... holy shit. "Hh- hey…!" Meiling lifts me by the back of my collar, and it chokes me a little- so I grip my shirt's loose-ass collar-
She lets go, and I land on my sneakers again! "You're so fuckin' light. My god… and- that shirt's so loose! How're you not freezing…?"
I shiver! "I- I am!" I've just kinda learnt to ignore it! Also, the lack of breeze and the village's amount of people both really help- but besides that…!
"Well…" Meiling takes a breath, and starts tuggin' me along with her, an arm still locked around my neck. Her boobs are to my left, making me feel slightly strange! She smells really good, too, freakin'... "I didn't really get a chance ta talk to ya. Seems like the mistress's pretty okay with you."
"...That so." Ho~h. "The fairies seem more than okay with me!"
Meiling snorts! "What the hell was that Kool-Aid thing ya mentioned again…?"
Oh, right. "It's the fuel cell of Dark Souls. Aah- it's one of those amber potion things! ...But- more accurately, it's… water fulla' sugar, an' that flavored sugar comes from a canister."
"Oh!" Meiling perks up! "I know exactly what yer talkin' 'bout!" Woah! No shit!? "We oughta pick some up!"
Aw! "Yeah, dude!" Let's buy some freakin' Kool-Aid, man…!
And so, the almighty shopping trip had begun!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We approach the stand strategically. Report: there is no Kool-Aid here, over. Just what seems to be milk, and other dairy, like eggs and cheeses.
"He~y. S'me again." Meiling idly introduces herself. "Let's see…"
...While she and the shopkeep exchange a whole lotta nothing flavortext, I take in the goods, dude.
Aw. Wild and nutty cheddar wheel, dude. Wait…
Reachin' into my bag, I draw that bomb hanger.
Meiling hands over some yen, and takes a whole carton of eggs, an' a carton of milk. Wait- is that a hammerspace shopping bag she has. It is! Holy-... that amazes me way more than it should, to be honest!
"Put put." I raise my left arm in sheer boredom from how mundane this shopping exchange has been.
Meiling turns to me.
"Hike…!" I swing the hanger down at the floor- an' let go-
KABOOM! Oh shit- that was even more violent than I thought-
"Whaha-" Meiling's eyes freeze in a glare down at the floor-
Cheese wheels go soaring into the air. "Huha- aagh!" Oh fuck- the blast tipped the cart over!
...CLACK- THUD! Uh oh. Um…! Wow, what a mess!
...After I'm done stumbling from the blast, I see Meiling approach me!
"Was that your fault?" She smiles!
...I grin! "Yeah!"
SLAP! Oh- fhuck-
Thud! Ye- yeah, I deserved that. Meiling just ragdolled me. Ow.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"I mean, on the bright side, we got literally so much cash that the damages don't mean anything- but still…!"
I've got a big red handprint on my left cheek now!
Meiling incredulously, quietly talks me down as we advance on the village roads…! "What was the big idea…!?"
"I- I dunno, I was bored!" Admittedly, wasn't my brightest moment- but I didn't expect it to annihilate the entire cart! "I didn't think it'd make that big of an explosion!"
...Meiling huffed. "Well, whatever. Next time ya do somethin' stupid… I dunno, I'll make ya date fairies or somethin'. Ooh- you'll do push-ups, but a fairy'll sit on ya." Oh no.
Ding, ding. We step into some calm little store along one of the frontmost storefronts of the village. I think this is… south main, yeah.
It's a teeny weeny place, with just drinks, apparently. An old dude at the counter, and…
Fluffles. There's a dish on the floor, seemingly laid out for them. There's no water inside or anything, fluffles just seem to take turns filling the entire dish with their pudgy faces.
"sadam hussein" What the fuck.
...I reach down, and pick one up!
"I found something fun to pat." I start patting its back. It looks encumbered.
"Fuckin'- put that down, dude." Meiling looks worried! "It's a-... I don't know what that is- but it's not good!"
"It's good-aligned!" I argue! "It fights the evil, like a squirrel fights the evil! With chubby cheeks, and a broad face."
"Yer 'boutta be fairy-aligned if ya don't put it down!" Meiling thinks she can threaten me with fairy dust and pixie sticks, dude.
I beam back at her! "Y'can't make me gay, son."
Meiling catches a chuckle in the back of her throat…! "Sh- shut the fuck up."
thump. I toss the fluffle at her boobs, and it fucking bounces off. Pft- hahahah!
Meiling chuckles too! "Bo~y- I'm 'boutta-"
"Um…" The old shopkeep looks awkward! "Miss Meiling…"
...Pausing, pursing her lips, Meiling stops trying to stretch my cheeks out, and saunters on up to him. "Aa- aah, right. Um…" She cursed under her breath. "Shit. Didn't actually pick out anything yet. Um- gimme a sec, dude."
"Please, don't take too long." This dude's oddly paranoid about the amount of time we spend in his store. How stupid yet realistic.
...Facing away from him, lookin' at me, Meiling makes a cross expression and gestures back at the guy. I just smile and nod quickly!
Wait.
Bending down, I claim the fluffle from the floor. "How much for this."
The man frowns. "Taka-kun isn't for sale."
...Okay.
I chuck Taka-kun at his face.
Meiling leaps from an unfounded emotion. "You- fuckin' asshole- hehahah!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I really don't know how he still sold anything to us, but that somehow went decently!
"Alright- you get a pass fer that one, dude was kind of a pr-... jerk." Meiling, for some strange reason, watched her language for just one sentence. I- I'm not that young, dude…! I don't even look that young!
An overcast's settin' in, cooling the land even further and sorta obscuring the sun some… but it's kinda flighty and fleeting. It feels good, somehow. I like how it dims everything only some...
We're already walkin' outta the village, on our way to the big mansion of Chris Hansen. Hmm. That joke'd work better if there were shota boys there. Maybe Chris Hansen's busting me, for being adjacent to Remi and Flancake.
Speaking of Flancake, I haven't actually met 'er yet. I know she exists though. I… do wonder which Flandre this Gensokyo's rockin'. The good and cool kind, or the not-so-cool kind…!?
Wait, Meiling's right here. "Hey, how cool's Flandre?"
...Meiling smiles wider, and looks over at me as we approach the Misty Lake.
"How do you know she exists?"
Pft. "What, s'it a big secret?"
"...Well, sort of. Unless… well, no, I'm pretty sure that mage and the Hakurei wouldn't talk about her."
Well. "Alright. I'll tell you." I lean closer to Meiling, an' grin.
...Meiling looks somewhat displaced! "Um…"
"I read the strategy guide."
"I'm gonna freakin' break you." Meiling- oh shit, she grapples her left arm around me-
shif, shif, shif. I can't believe I'm getting noogied in the current year. Meiling, your boobs are too big for this. Actually- y'know what, keep doing it.
"More seriously…!" Y'know, this actually feels somehow good- and not just 'cause of the boobs. "Fairies." Fairies are always the explanation!
"Tch. Yeah, figures." Meiling concedes that point… "You'd have talked with them more often than any other guest. Can't keep anything hidden with those-... thems."
Um. Slowly- instead of a noogie, Meiling takes to just ruffling my hair, massaging my scalp kinda in the process…
"Dude, buy a comb." Son. "What a rat's nest. Ho~ly shit."
Aw, shit! That reminds me! "...We pray at night, we stalk at night; we're the rats. An' I'm the giant rat, that makes all of the rules!"
"Giant rat's right. Like- half of your hair back here's a rat's nest. Did you get gapped in from Africa…!?" Meiling's surprisingly savvy, for some reason!
Yes. No. "America?"
"Figures." Meiling casually insults the land of eagles and deagles!
Soon, we mosey around the lakeside with basically no issues.
Meiling's a really touchy-feely sorta person. I say this, 'cause she still has her arm around me, as we browse up onto the path leading to the mansion.
"Who do ya always gotta have an arm on me." I wanna know! "I'm gonna sue you fer sexual harassment…!"
"Go ahead an' sue." Meiling dares me…! "What, does it make ya uncomfortable?"
"...Well, it don't." Not gonna lie, I don't mind! "But it's a-... it's uncommon!"
"I'd bet." Meiling let her eyes drift shut as we came up to the gate proper. "I dunno. Yer kinda awkward now, but I get a good vibe from you." Hu~h…
"Little did you know, I'm actually super evil." I reveal. "It is time for Sakuya to lose to cock."
Meiling double-takes! "Pftuh- whahahah! The fuck…?"
Wait-
I look to the left of the gate- and just realize Sakuya's there!
Sakuya leans close to us, smiling. "What was that about who now." Oh shit Jesus-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Hi." I smile gingerly, and nod even more so.
We're now in the Voile! It's the Shamwow Library.
Speakin' of Shamwow, Sakuya stands before me as I'm apparently now seated on a chair. Fer some reason I think I'm tied up- but I ain't. I sure as hell wasn't sittin' here ten seconds ago, however!
Sakuya smiles too! "What were you and Meiling talking about?"
...Well. Do I give it to her straight? ...Yes, yes I do! "The theoretical event that, were you to star in a doujin, you would be portrayed losing to cock."
We continue to exchange pleasant looks. Eventually, Sakuya's mouth slowly opens…! "You truly have no shame."
Holdin' my arms out, I shrug exaggeratedly. "S'actually less sexual than you think, too! Ya see, one thing lead to another, an' I just kinda said the first thing that popped into my head."
"I take it you do that a lot." Sakuya-... is really not wrong! At least, I don't think she is…
I can't believe if this was an anime, she'd have already stabbed me ten million times and I woulda been better after the next scene cut. He he ho ho exaggerated emotional reactions son.
"Regardless." Sakuya leans back easily… "I've actually brought you here for a reason. Patchouli wanted to thank you for your errand- half-completed as you left it, all things considered. More accurately, she seems to want to ask you about the outside." Aw.
"Oh." I thought she actually gave a shit about that joke I uttered…! "Can I go around saying you'll lose to cock still?"
"Wh- no." Pft- hehehe! "Don't-... do that. For what reason? If I catch you making that joke again-... I suppose it goes without saying." Uh oh…!
"I'll have to eat fluffles." I slouch, horrified. Ooh, ho ho ho…
"...Well, less maliciously, I'd probably slap you around to teach you a lesson." Oh, what.
"Ya wouldn't kill me?" I question the premise…!
Sakuya jerked her head back! "If you were next on the chopping block, you'd already be dead. Brad, was it? ...I'd still tread carefully, if I were you."
Tread carefully, huh. I guess I'll be extremely careful from now on, man. I'm gonna lose to cock.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I sit down in Patchy's chair… while Patchy's still sitting in it!
In the process of doing so, I slightly scoot her to the side some, and we share the fluffy chair.
Sakuya nods, but doesn't say anything. I give 'er a grin, 'fore lookin' back over Patchy…!
Patchy like, hardly even pays what I did any mind, she just keeps readin'. Eventually, she seems to finish a passage, 'cause she gently turns to look at me! "...I'm not sure whether to call this rude or a case of culture shock."
"It is not culture shock." I shake my head. "I am simply rude."
"...Hmh." Patchy nods once. "What is this an expression of, then?"
"Whah." Me no see no no.
"Is this a challenge? A proposition, maybe?" Patchy slowly looks more cross with me…! "You're invading my personal space."
"Well!" She's not wrong! "...I was kinda curious to see how you'd react! Also, I'm friendly..." Do not hurt the friendly.
...Patchy laxes, some. "I see. Then…"
WOOSH! Oh- shit! I got ejected- airplane style! Woaa~h!
BAM! Wh- ow… I- I landed on my ass, after having been sent flying over her freakin' desk!
"You're simply full of energy, I see." Patchy slowly sets her book down, and gazes tiredly ahead at me…! "How have the contracted fairies treated you? ...Did you achieve what you'd set out to do?"
Aw. I nod. "Ye."
"...Ye?" Pft…! Patchy's unsure of my vernacular! "Don't ye me. I'd like to pretend we've surpassed the era where we communicated by grunting at one another."
"Keyword there bein' 'pretend'!" I can play the word game too! "Ya still understood what I said!"
Patchouli tilts her head up, and sorta leers at me…! "I have some questions for you, strange man. As you come from the outside… I wish to ask you: have you ever seen the slightest inkling of magic on the outside?"
Hah? "Hell no." Magic is sadly absent! So are dreams, and happiness. The only thing real's the bright blue sunshine. ...That was an unexpectedly heavy thought!
"Ah. As I'd thought." She let her eyes drift shut, in a lethargic way, before opening 'em again. It took awhile, s'why I bothered describing it!
Wait- oh. Sakuya began her room cleaning protocol, which mandates that she become an omniscient god of clean energy. Or- in English, she skedaddled…!
"Hmm." Patchy kinda idly hums. "...I've always felt I've had some unfinished business with the outside."
She interlocks her fingers, puttin' her elbows on her desk. "Such a vast, yet empty world. So many wasted minds."
Aw. I pick up what she's puttin' down. "This world is imperfect." I beam back at her! "It must be redesigned in our image!"
Patchy-... is unamused…! "Are you mocking me?"
Hmm. Y'know, that's a tough one. "Not exactly…? Aah-... no. I'm mockin' somethin' I think- but I don't think it's you!"
"You made fun of the idea of thinking the world is flawed." Patchouli ain't lettin' it go! "Do you think me melodramatic? ...I- I may very well be, but I don't need your trite in turn."
Son. "If we wanna get big-brained-... I wanted ta make fun of the whole overall tone in and of itself ta provoke an amused reaction- rather than actively criticize anything you actually believed in-" Inhale! "-'cause myself, I also think the world's a pile a' bullshit, I just don't feel like talkin' 'bout it right now!"
...Patchy blinks.
"I'm gonna pour you some Pepsi." You're gonna hate it! I know you will…!
"I… see." She has a weirdly vexed look. "Then I suppose our conversation is… about over."
I take out the bottle of Pepsi, and set it on Patchy's desk. "Gift from the missus. Big Tony sends his regards. This shit's pure A, distilled fluff loaf."
"Oh." Patchy looks worried!
I slouch. "We don't got any cups."
...fwish. Patchy magick's some earth-ware into existence. A clay cup, of some sort. "This is…?"
"An outside world gourmet beverage." I beam at her! "Dude, things've really moved up in the past kazillion years!"
Fwii~sh. I pour her a cup a' Pepsi.
...Curling her brows up, she holds it up, and takes a sniff. "...It's sweet. Diabolically sweet. I can smell the sugar. In fact…" She stuck her finger in. "Good gods. It's carbonated, too. I never could appreciate seltzer, no matter the taste."
I stare expectantly. She gives me a done sorta look, and lifts the cup…
She takes a sip-
"Kaugh- kauff!" Oh- shit! She immediately coughs it back up! Well- not 'back up' but she receives direct HP damage from drinking it…!
...And, yeah, s'bout what I expected!
"Ghh…" Growling some, she leans back in her chair, holdin' her chest…! "...Te- tell this 'Big Tony' he drinks sewer water. I-... I appreciate sweets- but in tactful scarcity- aa- and nuance. This is-... too much."
I put away the big Pepsi bottle! I can't believe I did something cruel and unusual to Patchy…!
"Would you consider that cruel and unusual." I must know.
Patchy almost chuckles visibly! "...Qu- quite."
"I'm gonna club a fluffle to death." It's time to be cruel and unusual…!
I twist around-
Koakuma.
"Mmn." She hugs onto me instantly, and I get a face full of clothed succubus chest space. "Ooh. Whoops."
And, the scent-... it smells so fucking good.
"Koakuma." Patchy's voice is kinda stunted in the background. Like, far away. "I thought I'd told you no."
"What? Oh, it's not my fault we bumped into each other." Lettin' go of me, Koakuma kinda shoves me away.
I can't place that scent. It just smells-... like good. Intensely good. Shit…
I can't get a boner here! I must use all I have learned! Shitty H-games have taught me well!
"Aaaa~h!" Convert the horny to rage! "I! Am Turok!"
"No~w you've done it." Patchy monotones in the background…!
"Wh- what the hell'd I do…?" Koakuma is intimidated by the yelling magic! "I didn't berserk him!"
I run in a circle! Unh, unh, unh! Yeah- run that circle! Get that blood pumpin'!
"Whatever the case, I think you've spooked him." Patchy scoots her tome closer, lookin' back down at it… "That said…"
Suddenly, Patchy floats up outta her chair. Her tome- just goes with her, floating before her face.
"Brad, was it? I've been asked to test your aptitude." Whah.
...Slowly, a disembodied scythe blade floats down before me. I slow down, an' stop runnin' that marathon! Just-... okay. Why's it gently floating down. This a Zelda key item…?
Patchy explains what the hell this is. "Take this. It's so you may defend yourself. Remilia hazarded that a standard blade would be a fitting starting weapon for a novice."
What, you couldn't give me a kitchen knife 'er something? I'm more likely ta fuckin' cut myself on this thing, 'cause it's supposed to be attached to a stick but it ain't! It's like wielding a katana without the hilt!
...Also, what, a knife, me? Yeah- out the fuckin' window wit' that. Wait…
I dig through the plant hangers in my hammerspace- and I draw a certain one…!
Takin' Darker than Dark, the black-red runic hanger of edge times, I try ta press the hilt-focused part a' the scythe edge onto it…
Huh. Yeah, no way this is happenin' as is.
"Yo!" I yell up at Patchy! "Gimme a light! A weldin' light! Like- a fire jet! Welding! Y'know…!?"
...Mouth open, Patchy flares a hand out-
FWIISH! Ooh! A bright, hot and tiny flame sticks out towards me!
Eyes shut, I hold the hanger and scythe bit up to the flare-
SHII~FF! Oh man this is unsafe as all fuckin' get-out. Sparks are dancing across my hands and clothes, and the Voile floor-
An' then the flame jet's gone. I'm left with my freshly welded hanger…
Sharper than Darkness! That is its new name. It is edgier than all them generic edgelords out there. They got pocket knives- but I've got a super pocket plant hanger knife! Now this is a knife!
Woosh, woosh. I swing it around, and beam!
Patchy has the most drained look…! "I don't know whether to call that resourceful or wasteful. I was about to be impressed that you had a hilt ready for crafting, but…"
"Hey." Smilin', I point it at her! "I'm goin' all in on plant hangers. Change my mind."
...Patchy nodded twice. "Okay."
"Earth Sign." Wait- what, uh oh. "Lazy Trilithon, Low Level."
Koakuma goes away. Uuh-
KROOM. KRK- KROOM. Before Patchy, two huge square stone pillars begin to erect from the floor, phasing through the carpet and roaring to life. It's somehow really fuckin' loud!
Fwish! At the top, a pillar on its side is summoned onto the other two, forming a stonehenge-like structure.
Thu- thump- krack- thump! Then, big, gold things tumble down atop the big stonehenge, crashing down like rocks- oh shit-
THUMP! I gotta- resume running in circles! That golden, glowin' rock almost glomped me!
"Fight back." Patchy- son how'm I supposed to fight back you're in the air-
Wait. I almost forgot. I can jump, but twice. Two times!
BAM! WHAM! CLUMP- BAMP! Oh my god- this rain of golden rocks though- s'comin' down all around me-
FWAZAP! It got me! Eha- fuck fhuck fuck-...
Thud. I meet the floor cheek-first, after I got beaned in the entire body by a huge, danmaku rock. It's… danmaku, apparently…!
"...I'd taunt you, but that would be like making fun of a cripple for their inability to walk." Patchy's ready t'go sicko mode, dude… "Again. Fight back."
THUMP- PUMP- THUMPUMP. All around the big stonehenge, the rocks just keep on tumblin' down. Descending through the aether, to put me to my ultimate end…!
I mean- I'm on my stomach under the pillar itself, so none of them can reach me, actually.
"By the way, don't keep standing there." Patchy's voice raises to alert me!
I- I'm not even standing! I'm on my ass!
KR- KRACK! Oh- the stone pillars are cracking…!
Getting off my stomach, I start to run- somehow way more encumbered than when I started just 'cause a single danmaku shot nailed me, and-
KRKRAA~CK! The stonehenge snaps into chunks for no goddamn reason- and they all light up gold, like the danmaku, and roar down.
BOOMBAMBOOMBAMBOOM! As I get away from ground zero, they unleash a freakin' seismic noise-
FWAMFWAMFWAM! Oh fuck! Gold rocks fuckin' explode from the floor it all shattered against!
KRK… KROO~M! Before I get too far, Patchy erects two new stone pillars around me, and I use them as cover…!
FWISH! The topmost slab is put back on once they stand tall, and-
patpitputputpitput- thumpthumpump! The rocks all clatter against it, and also shell the soon-to-be safe area directly under it. If I didn't hide against the side instead of under it- I woulda got rained on…!
Alright, so… fight back, huh. How. I don't shoot the bullet. I can't even chuck shit at her- not with these arms!
I look at her desk. Besides books, she's got a pile of potions an' shit on it. Well- not necessarily a pile, bu~t…!
fwi- fwish. Ooh. Rock danmaku falls onto her desk- but is dispelled instantly before even touching anything.
...After a moment, I make a break from her stonehenge thing- and sprint!
Cli- clink, click! I scoop up her potions! Ooh- cyan, pink, lime an' red! I got no idea what any a' this shit does!
"Mm-" Patchouli speaks up overhead! "What are you doing? Those are mine."
"I'm fightin' back!" What- you expect me to used that dinky fuckin' shank…!? What'd it even do!? What'm I, gonna stab the rocks…!?
Alright- so, these potions…
I take a deep purple one from my bag, as I run towards the library shelves…!
Ting! Ow! I walked inta somethin'...!
Oh- there's just-... a barrier, preventing me from leaving the immediate clearing amidst the shelves. Damn it- when do I learn bullshit arena barrier magic…!? I better not fight too many more people who can just arbitrarily define how big the stage is!
Alright, well, s'time to find out what this purple potion does-
FWAM- ZAP! Fuck! I- I got hit by a fuckin'- random rock! Fuck!
Crack! The potion flies outta my hand- and lands on one of the wood tables ahead of me in the clearing, exploding into a shower of grape-flavored liquid.
...CRUNCH. The table becomes flat. No, the legs don't break. It becomes flat.
"Ooh, ho ho ho…" I, uh, y'know maybe drinkin' any of these's a bad idea…
"Stop throwing those." Patchy's emanating animosity above me! "You don't know what-"
woosh. I throw the red potion-
Oh. Uh oh. Patchy grabs it telekinetically, stealing it away! "When I told you to fight me- I meant physically, not emotionally." Wahaha!
Let's make Patchy even madder 'cause she's so cute! Also, fuck gettin' hit by danmaku!
Oh- god, look at all those rocks spilling from above her, towards me-
I slide under a table.
THUMPUMPBUMPBUMPBOOMF. The table vibrates overhead, as a wave of rocks fuckin' bombards it…!
Slippin' out from underneath it, I draw the lime potion, and-
CRACK! I break it on the table directly!
...THUMP- THUMP- THUMPUMP! Uh oh. I- I turned the table into a Gmod prop…! Dude- it's going crazy dude-
Bam! I kick it-
It careens through the air, doing fucking loops aroung the whole clearing-
TING! It bounces off the barrier wall-
BAM! An' then it hits the side of Patchy's stonehenge, smashing the third slab atop it off, and also killing itself in the process!
Sh- shoof... Slowly, the third slab sli~des off the two standing ones-
BOO~M. The moment it meets the floor, my legs quiver and the tables around me are all jostled. Holy shit. That shit must weigh a shitton.
Wait. I see something I can do…!
"Hu~p…" I pick up a whole chair with both arms, and get to work, eyes wide…!
I jump- jump again-
Bam! Landing on a table amidst the starfall of golden rocks, I set my sights on the tipped-over stonehenge piece, which forms a perfect ramp…
"Hup!" I leap once- "Hye- ah!" An' I leap again! Oh- fuck-
CLACK- Click! My sneakers slip some as I land on the stone slant. Oh god- this is why video game characters can't do this shit, slopes fucking suck…! I've played too many shitty games where I can just walk up outrageous slopes- I didn't think this'd be this hard…!
"Nnh- nngh-" Holding onto the chair's midsection with one hand, I press the other to the top of the freakin' almighty Jenga piece and start scaling it, knees to the stone slant...
FWA- ZAP! Fuuhuhuck! I- I got hit while I was climbing…! Dude- I must look like fuckin'... classic Doom Guy when he's about to freakin' pass away…!
The fact that it's still 2015 in this story, yet I gotta amend that I mean classic Doom Guy 'cause I'm revising this chapter literally five years later and there was like two succeeding games since then. Really puts things in perspective…!
Eventually, I get to the top of the stonehenge thing. Standing on the edge, I behold Patchouli, who's not that far overhead anymore…
"That-..." She frowns. "That isn't how you dodge that at all, I'm afraid. I'm not even sure what you're-"
"Hup!" I leap off the edge- moving towards her-
And-
"Hngh-" I leap one last time, and as I kinda twirl from my awkward jump- "Yeah!"
woosh! At the start of my second jump, I use the unnatural force it gives to lob the chair at Patchouli. It leaves my arms with force surprising even me- and I'm left with my mouth ajar as I limply sail back to the floor below.
Patchy's eyes widen as the twirling, light wood chair hurtles across the air towards her.
Thunk! Holy shit.
"Muh-" Patchy bobs in the air, after the chair clipped her upper body. "Nnn…" She spins around, holding herself where she was struck.
Thud! That-... was me… and the floor. You know what I never realized? Or- rather, what I was just reminded of? Fall damage is way, way, way worse in real life, than in video games. Fuck.
...Uneasily, I fight into standing, my head light, and my knees-... I- I almost fall over, 'cause my knees really don't feel like giving their all today!
"How'd ya like that!?" I yell back!
Patchy rights herself, and uh… y'know, I'm not sure if she's happy wit' that!
"That," she grit her teeth, "was not what I had planned at all. You misuse the blade- you break my potions, and you throw furniture at me."
Whah. "...What did you have planned?" I hold my arms out 'cause I'm all energetic now! "Maybe it'd've been better ta tell me! All ya said was that this was some kinda test…!"
"Yes." Patchy waves both her arms in the air, and her fingertips glow with soft, rainbow-like colors. "A test with pitifully poor turn-out at that. Fine. Let's finish this now, then."
"Water Sign, Bury In Lake." Oh, fuck. Bury in lake? She knows the secret. Self-inserts are weak to drowning in the Misty Lake…!
fwip. Oh. All the gold rocks disappeared, and so did stonehenge. Suddenly, the entire library's like… way darker! All that gold was unironically pretty.
Then, suddenly, the invisible walls all around us light up fiercely, glowing teal.
Fwii~sh. Rippling, crystalline liquid runs down all of it. Then, as it pools on the floor, it starts ta glow…
Wait. "This water-..." I let the tip a' my shoe touch some of it as it nears me-
ZAP- ZAP! Danmaku water. Jesus- no…! I'm going to shit myself!
Patchy closes her eyes where she floats. "I will throw you in the ocean, then see if you are sad." Oh- oh fuck! "...More seriously, this is at least a good moment to test this variant of Bury In Lake."
As the fake water starts to overtake the entire floor-
"Hup!" I jump up onto Patchy's desk! "Hoh… y'know- this water's actually got pretty good graphics!" Looks even better than real water!
"...Do you think so?" Patchy seems to like talking about it! "I put in a lot of effort, in replicating the majesty of water in play form."
"Looks better than real water!" An' I'm serious! "...If it wasn't bone hurtin' juice, I might wanna drink some!"
...Patchy mulls over my words. "Bone hurting-" She shook her head once! "The same could be said of many potions. Don't trust chemicals."
Slowly, the water keeps risin'... man. Uuh.
The tables in the clearing begin to shift around, but Patchy's desk doesn't.
"My desk won't float, by the way." Patchy's gaze down at me was plain. "My breath is wasted. When we're done here, I'll consider letting Koakuma have her fun with you. Would you like that?"
I eye the tables ahead, as the water starts ta make 'em twist in place with how it's tossin' around while the room's filling… "Oh- so I am gonna die at the end of this…"
Patchy blinks. "Hmm? No? Koakuma wouldn't kill you. She might be a little... demanding, however."
Hoh. Well, that's only fractionally as bad. "What if I don't wanna get my virginity stolen…!?"
Patchy snorts. "You shouldn't have disappointed me. Fine, I'll tell you what. If you manage to break this spell card, I'll owe you a simple favor; one that I may refuse if I find it to be extreme. Is that even? If you lose, you'll scratch my familiar's itch. She's been itchy ever since you've shown up, you see. It's slightly annoying."
I like how bad the terms are. Wait- that might be the point! "...Is sayin' no even an option!?"
Patchy smiles. "Mmm. No." Aw, well. "I simply wanted to make it fair is all. There was a chance you'd have been fine with such terms. Regardless, if this is ever brought up later, this should cover my bases."
Fwii~sh. Water keeps on flowin' down, shimmering, cyan magic water slowly pooling up, threatening to overcome Patchy's desk. Her comfy chair and the stuff on the desk seem immune to the fake water's effects, but all the cheapo-looking wood tables aren't.
"It's kind of a dick move!" I gotta admit! "What if I wanna save fer marriage…!?"
Tiltin' her head back, Patchy snorts. "...if you're trying to say that I'm being mean, then you'd be correct." Wh- uh oh. "That is, as it turns out, the point. I'm sure you and Koakuma will get along well enough."
And, I mean, getting press-ganged into being raped by a succubus isn't exactly my idea of the worst thing in the world, but… the whole 'trapping' nature of this conversation…!
"Although, I had it on my mind." Patchy admits? "Koakuma will likely return to a more sedate nature when you and her alleviate one another's tension. Somehow, unlike so many other outsiders, you're not quick to help her out. It's inconvenient for me, because she gets… distracted."
While she finishes up her thoughts, I gaze at the tables, which-
spli- splash, splash. As the water raises, they bob around in it, tilting some. Aw, yes… they're wood, so they float.
"Drown for me." Patchy closed her eyes, and reclined in the air. A tome floats up before her face, an' she just kinda relaxes an' reads while waiting for me to get blown the fuck away.
As the harmful water starts to rise, and the library glows teal-ish, shimmering shards of light run along the shelves and the distant walls beyond the wet barriers.
Swallowin', I tense my legs, as the water laps at the edges of the desk I'm on-
"Hup!" Let's go! Oh boy! Ooh- that jump was more awkward than it had any right ta be damn it-
"Hoo~!" Jumpin' again, I near the table, just barely-
Click! I bounce a single foot off it, shooting off it and to the next one some. Thankfully- the table clicked against the floor as it pushed beneath the painful pool, givin' me a little more leverage than like none.
But, I'm also flighty, not weighin' hardly anything. A hundred thirty pounds of six feet a' skin and bones!
"Hoo~!" Flailing my limbs, leapin' again, I make it to the next table amidst the shimmering blue-
Click! Bounding off of it, sending it twirling amidst the crystal, cyan fruit juice-colored mess, I end up makin' good progress…!
"Hnnh!" Jumping on air is so cool- and really stressful in this context-
Click! Bounding off a table that begun to tip onto its side amongst the rising teal, I end up makin' my way to a bookshelf ahead.
Now- if I was a video game character, it'd be so easy to see that shelf and be like… 'aw yeah just latch onto it and climb, obviously that's what you're supposed to do here'. But fuck, have you ever tried to climb anything!?
"Nnh-" Leaping again, I near the shelf ahead-
Bam! "Ghk-" I wheeze out a grunt as I slam myself against the shelf, thankfully inside the invisible wall, if only partially. Each layer is thick, the books not claiming too much real estate, but actually pulling myself up each tier of shelving… ooh, boy…
I look down- an' that shit's rising fast! Oh fuck!
"Nnh-" Grabbin' onto the next tier- "Hup!" I part my legs from the lower shelf, arms tense as I hold onto the just slightly dusty wood shelf with sweaty hands.
"Hah!" Leaping again, I skip the effort of yanking myself up, and press my ass firmly into the confines of the ledge, kinda sitting on it…
Shakily, adrenaline racin' through me, I twist around- careful not to push myself off- and thrust myself inta standing…!
Wait. I got an idea. Patchy don't know what I'm capable of!
"Please." Patchy hovers closer, as she reads. "Do not make this take longer than it has to. There is no timing-out these cards. This duel is informal. It's not like the Hakurei will believe you if you report this abuse." I'm gonna report abuse on ROBLOX son…! Yer gonna get yer League account banned by Bungie…!
"Ngh-" Hoisting myself up another shelf, I bare my teeth and beam! "I'm fightin' for the fluff! Fer the hanger an' the fae! I'm fightin' 'till I die- in a battle in the sky…!"
Thump! Ass-first, I end up on another shelf tier, as I race against the water and time…!
Swallowing, standing again, I clutch onto the next tier.
"And, once you reach the shelve's top, what will you do?" Patchy seems to be gettin' distracted from her book! "Scream obscenities? Submit? I'm not one to repeat mistakes. You will not simply toss things at me and have it work."
It'd be easy to give up- let myself become Koakuma's bottom in some sexy bedtop sports and get the recent days of sexual tension squared away somewhat…
But something internally scares me about that! I'd rather be indecisive- nay, I'm gonna give a firm no ta that shit! Indecision would be lettin' it happen, and while I've been ridin' wherever life takes me…
This is Gensokyo! Crazy shit seems ta happen all the time!
"Hup!" Clutching the top of the shelf, limbs shaky, I tug and jump-
Thump! I end up on the top- and note that the shelf is just barely before the water running along the barrier. It runs into a now-luminescent asscrack between the shelf and the barrier, running between the books but not actually interacting with the books. S'all painful danmaku shit at the end of the day, not real water.
...Now sitting up, ooh, Patchy holds the book up and stuffs her face into it, choosing to not look at me.
"Forces of fluffnugget, it's time to make a stand!" I reach into my bag as I stand, panting from all the jumpin' and climbing… "No longer will the purple mage enslave our land…!"
I take out my yin-yang, panty-clad flail. Holding it over the edge, I take a deep breath, steel my shitty offbrand sneakers into the top of the shelf, and- nngh- pull-...!
Woosh. With both arms, fighting my own flail to not have it pull me into the pain brine below, I slowly start reelin' it up, gettin' a good spin started…
I can't just hold it overhead- the barrier behind me is in the way! So I gotta awkwardly hold it at a slant- I can hear the water getting louder below…!
My shitty sneakers have no grip, so as I wind the flail-o-matic up, I start skidding around uneasily atop the shelf wood!
Woosh, woosh, woosh! Ooh- as the wind hanger component picks up the slack and starts to right the flail's revolution over my head- I got no choice but to-
"Hup!" Leap! Jesus take the wheel! Oh god that is a long and wet fall-
"Nnh!" I jump again, and-
Wooshwooshwooshwoosh! Yeeheeheehaaw! I have activated my American cowboy powers!
Ascending into the air, I abandon the threat below, spinnin' my flail lasso style, raising to a newer height!
I beam viciously, as I ascend higher than even Patchy currently is, gaining the higher air…!
"With a flail- above the skies!"
Patchy blinks, an' looks up!
"Of the Voile- I remain unseen!"
"What-" Patchy's eyes widen!
"But now the time- has come to rise! Ascend to the skies-"
whump! Swingin' in Tarzan style, I kick Patchy in the chest with both legs! "Fluff Fo~rce!"
"Whua-" Patchy gets sent into a backwards roll in the air!
Whu- woahahaoh! I twirl around, my panties gettin' all in a bunch as I try an' stabilize after drop-kickin' Patchy mid-air…!
"Yhou-" She holds her chest, floatin' back! "Kauff- kaugh-"
Wooshwooshwooshwoosh! As my flail rights itself fully, I kick my legs back, an' it all tilts forward, lettin' me swooce right in towards Patchy again!
I yell- and "Fight fer your life! Y'gotta fight for- fight fer-"
Pap! As I obnoxiously swooce right up ta Patchy, I hook an arm around her and grab onto her!
"Fight fer the waifu- and the glory~!"
"Yh-" Patchy looks rattled, as I hold onto her with surprising ease! Aw-
Letting go of my flail, I hug 'er tight! Both arms! "Mukyuu-" Oh my god-
fzt- fzt. The barrier around us- and all the danmaku- dispels like a lightbulb goin' out!
We start to hurtle to the floor, falling two stories down, twirlin' around-
Patchy buffers the fall by trying to float from my arms, but I keep held on! And-
Bam! I meet the floor on my back, tanking the fall damage! "Hoof…!"
...Patchy is fuckin' adorable up close. "Lhe-" She blushes bright, as she glares at me! "Let me go~...!" Woah!
She attacks! She- beats her fists against my head, but it doesn't really do anything to me! An' that's impressive, because I am made of paper bags and cans of FerBreeze.
"You're so so~ft!" Dude- I wanna snug her.
"Yh- aa-" She tenses up as I hug 'er summore! "Let go~..."
I'm going to die. Not 'cause of a laser, or 'cause Koakuma rode my dick 'till my brain exploded.
No. I'm gonna die from cuteness overload. Tell my momma I'm dead to the outside- 'cause I am!
Patchy smells like vanilla and lavender, and holy fuck. She is here and that is good.
"I-..." Patchy gives up, relaxing into my arms. "Id- idiot…"
Life is good.
...I just lie here, half in pain, aching in strange places, as Patchy deflates on my chest.
"You-..." Face deep red, she pouts at me. "You smell." Oh- shit, do I? Oh no…!
"You smell, but in a good way!" I affirm! "Holy shit…"
"And- and you smell- like a-..." She shuts her eyes! "How could I have let this happen…?"
"That's a good question!" I'm not complaining though! "...Can that favor be a casual cuddle-and-nap session?"
"No." Wha- awwh. "I-... I just-... le- let me go, please?"
Well. She asked nicely.
I let 'er go, and she plainly rolls off of me.
"Ha~h…" Seeing Patchy take a deep breath does bad things to my hormones. She shakes some, as she gets up off the floor, adjusting herself… "Damn-... damn it…"
Then, she twists around, and gives me a weird scowl! "You-... you got lucky."
"I did!" I admit!
"Mmgh…" She pouts oh my god. "I-..."
She moves back to her desk, holding her chest. Awh…
"Nn- not one word to anyone." She frowns back at me, face burning. "Not one. All we did- was talk."
"...Y'make it sound like we banged!" I mean- we did in the literal sense- but not in the sexy sense!
"Mm-" She fidgets some, fer some reason! "Um-... in-... in any case… just, go…"
...Man, she's really awkward after that. "...You, uh, you okay?"
"No." Oo- oh! "Get out of here- before I feed you to Koakuma- anyway!" I think I hurt her pride kinda…!
"Aa- alright…!"
Are we never gonna speak of this again? ...Maybe not! But we'll see, yo…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KOAKUMA'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fu~ck…
I stop pressing between my legs. That fucking virgin. Lady Patchouli's fucking wet. It'd be funny- if I wasn't hoping he'd just bend her over on her desk and fuck her. That may not be how she'd ideally have it- but what romance is ideal!? Especially for a romantic like her!?
Damn it. For whatever reason- either because he's as dense as a fucking rock, or intimidated of even having sex- he didn't follow-up.
Lady Patchouli's face is red. She got off on his exerted scent. She was right there. Even if she probably would've killed him for taking it too far- the dumb bastard didn't even try!
Rounding the corner, I sigh, brush my hands off on my thighs, and approach Lady Patchouli…
"You." She can tell what I'm thinking.
I can't help but smile back. "You should've had him fuck you."
She casts her gaze up in exasperation. "...This is exactly what I was trying to amend. Your arousal, that is- nn- not my own needs. And, to sate your curiosity, I don't go chasing carnal pleasure. I can sate my desires on my own, with just my mind, thank you very much. I will not degrade myself to a cheap whore. Unlike you, I don't consume semen and lust for energy."
She's resisting it so hard. Bu~t… I give her an all-teeth smile. "Lady… you're so fucking cute."
"So my body betrays me. Accursed mortal shell." Lady's getting awfully worked up, I'll admit… "If all you're going to do is ignore me, I'll-... just- go away, Koakuma."
Alright, alright… "I- I didn't mean anything bad, my lady… I just-..." Let's cool her down…
...Lady Patchouli exhales. "Then-... I apologize for snapping at you. This has become a bigger problem than it ought to be."
"Look." I hold up a hand. "Let me take care of my dwellings with the boy. I know this is all because, well, I can't even trust myself not to hunger for the first boy I've seen in some time, let alone you, but…"
"You're going to keep losing focus." Lady Patchouli asserted. "It's going to be some time before you surpass your instincts. The more he simply browses around here- the more you'll forget what I assign you, and simply pursue bedding him."
It's kind of degrading, to hear her tell it to me like that. "I mean… it only acts up when he's around. In the library. Which is, um, not often."
...Lady Patchouli frowned hard. "I suppose. We'll see what the future holds. ...You wanted to see me succumb to my desires, didn't you?"
"Well… yes." I have to be honest. "It would've been so fucking hot. And-" Wait. "Why didn't you just let me deal with him in the first place?"
She shook her head. "I was to assess his proficiency with a single blade. It should have been simple. He masters- or most likely doesn't master- the art of self-defense with simple guarding postures, and then were he to fail, he'd simply be yours."
...It must have been one of the lady's whims, then. I really don't have a place to say whether it was worth it or not. Patchouli's in her own head at the best of times, sometimes…
Anywa~y… "So… Lady Patchouli… if you're still gonna be-"
"Do not talk to me about my body." Lady Patchouli wants nothing between us to be sexually-related. "My answer will always be no."
"...Alright." She's fair to be skeptical. I know I'd take it too far. Especially because she's my master. "Sor-... sorry."
"Just don't do it again." Lady Patchouli is commanding, but I don't feel like it's without good reason. "...On- on that note… I- I would like some tea…"
"Sure thing." She's not in a mood to be sassed, so I won't push her. Knowing her, she's not even gonna go masturbate or anything. She keeps herself pent up far too often. But, it's never my place to comment on that. Though she understands my expertise, her somewhat justified paranoia keeps a sort of barrier between us.
It's a small one, but basically, I can't even think of her and sex in the same sentence in her presence. ...Not literally, but the moment I'd steer it that way, unless I'm jeering or jesting, the conversation's over. That said, she doesn't frown on my tendencies. She just doesn't want to be part of them.
She is truly, very wise.
...The boy's somehow left the library. That, and… it's not the time to strike. Not that I could easily follow him now.
It's time to get that tea.
I scratch my red hair, where one of my head-wings meets my scalp. Hmmh. For now… all I can do is wait. Until he's adequately debased to the point that I may proposition him.
...Or~, until he chooses to come to me.
I'll have to keep my eyes peeled. It's been some time since I've felt as though I pursued someone, of any sort…
This might be the sort of roleplay I've been looking for.
...I- I still wish he'd bent Lady over and just fucked her. I'm not gonna get that damn idea out of my head now.
I-...
Ooh. Actually… maybe that is an idea I want to hold onto. I need a notebook.
Licking my ruby red lips, I start looking around somewhat helplessly. The next workstation's too far. I'm already at the library's entrance.
Ye~s. This is exactly the sort of roleplay I've been looking for!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 7
ITEMS OBTAINED:
Bottle of Pepsi - It's an RPG round dude!
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
the base chapter was a really cringy and painful segment with attempts at being serious that kind of fell flat because i had no command over the setting or the characters; that and i was too undisciplined to stay with a particular scene-setting moment too so brad bounced around a lot
this chapter has a little more humor post-revise (at least more that has a better chance of actually landing) though some of the sheer "what the fuck" of the previous chapter 7 is lost a little
i did my best to retain some of that quality, and it sort of transformed into a strange culture shock between brad's desires and the SDM itself, because he's kind of forcing it sometimes and the mansion residents here are a LOT more competent at disarming him than they were previously, because i'm now writing them to my updated standards of behavior
that aside, the pace is a lot better; and the chapter, while still one of the more forgettable ones because that really can't be avoided while following the basic plot structure, is far easier on the eyes than the previous one
it went from like 13k words to 16k words, not bad
if there was any doubt, this chapter was entirely rewritten to follow the same basic plot structure but the execution is entirely different
full changelog:
o awkward shrine visit segments removed
o "scarletvania endeavor" removed, i have more natural ways of having brad interact with the cast now
o new meiling scene! we didn't get enough earlygame meiling before, she was surprisingly ignored, so now i've remedied that some; this is technically the first time brad meets meiling now! this is of note 'cause the next time i remember them having a conversation is chapter 130 something, which is really sort of crazy
o the "fort segment" at the beginning of the original chapter 7 has been removed and replaced with a character moment involving marisa
you know it's kind of jarring going back and accidentally adding these pseudo-romantic moments, 'cause if i was just writing FG for the first time it'd be too easy to take one of these and run with it for awhile, when before i would've had absolutely no clue how to set that sort of thing up
though it probably didn't help that i felt extremely discouraged from touching any sort of romance, even casual sideplots, 'cause of my creative team at the time, but it was also kind of a good thing 'cause i definitely wouldn't have done it right at all
it takes moments of real charisma and manipulation of social chemistry to make them happen, and old me had no clue how to do any of that
that and as natural as these kinda-sorta flirting moments are now, it's still easy to disarm them as the pace and progression demands
o kourindou segment made more natural; really a lot of writing has been more naturalized to have the characters act more distinctly and of themselves
o sekibanki scene! she and brad had a paltry awkwardly paced exchange previously, it's handled a little better now and given some respect as a thing that exists
o keine scene has been reworked to be less "0-to-100" on keine's aggressiveness; correcting and adjusting her characterization in accordance with an upcoming plot element is going to take some doing.
o horseman thing! it's portrayed a little more realistically now and brad gets something clear to do amidst it, it's less weirdly tonally dissonant and strange
overall myself i feel like this chapter 7's a huge improvement; it loses out a little on the "what the fuck is going on" factor of the original, but i still think it's got a good degree of that
now, with the following chapters, i'm definitely taking special care to make sure they retain their humor throughout, while also forming a more consistent and meaningful narrative at the same time
mostly 'cause back in the day, this whole series of "arcs" and "incident labels" was my attempt at doing a somewhat expedited, seriousish progression that ultimately i didn't super commit on because i knew i couldn't, and i knew whatever was kinda cringy, as long as it didn't go full shark jump, would just kinda add to the strange experience…!
but, yeah - w -
although since so much of that scarletvania guff was cut-out, next chapter's gonna get a little additional fat to segue into its plot elements - w -
i still got something overarching in mind, but it's all taped together way better!
as always, see you all next time!
