(in which we phone a friend)

"Aw…"

I leer at Matt! "Leego!"

His brows twitch. He knows…!

Swoocin' on up to him, I lay a hand on one of his drenched shoulders! "Came out all this way to Touhouland ta see me, ah!? Hoh, shit!"

"Fucking shut up." Ooh- the nugget bites back! "Dumbass."

Ooh- he swings his arm at one a' mine, undoing my basic grasp on 'em! "And don't fuckin' touch me."

"Oh no." Ooh…

Koi hustles up to him! "Ooh! And who's this…!?"

"No one." Matt frowns at her!

Aw! I gesture to Ha-chan! "This is my fairy girl! Hana, or Ha-chan. Say hi, Ha-chan!"

"Heya!" Ha-chan waves an arm big at him from the little campfire we got set up! "Who're you…!? One of Brad's friends?"

"Mmh. Something like that." He seems more intent on lookin' at Remi an' Flancake. An' then he huffs. "So… what the hell is this?" He gestures to the whole campfire scenario!

"Big." Yeah man! "We went campin'! But then it rained! So-..." I gesture to the campfire! "We got more camping! We obtained it!"

...Matt, as expected, really didn't give a shit about my demeanor at all!

While he quietly stands there, looking resentful…

thump. Oh! Aw, dude! "Aw! Matt- dude!"

A lootbox dropped down next to him, from a gap! He flinches, as if he was afraid it could fell on him! ...Which, like, it pro'lly coulda, but Yukari wasn't that mean!

"The-... fuck?" He notices the slightly-crumpled portrait of his face on it, over a misshapen yellow background printed out on an eight-by-eleven sheet of printer paper!

"It's the continuity bonus stash!" I inform him! "Y'see, the following chapter has not been revised yet! Nor has the rest a' the oncoming ones! So this is to handwave all the weird loot an' shit you just have for no reason!"

...Matt nods numbly! "I feel like I must have died in the rainstorm, and this is hell." Woohoo!

"It's heaven for me." Koi scoots up to him! "Would you like a fairy girlfriend, mister…?"

...Matt moves for the crate, and-

Crea~k. Upon pushing it open, he stares down at the loot!

Well whaddaya know, son. It's a spool of steel string, a fluffle, some fire elemental scissors, and some pink Barbie scissors hooked up to more steel string!

"What." Matt is befuddled!

Nodding, I start to move! "Hey Matt, chronology says we're scheduled to head to the Voile for no reason now! Let's go!"

...Matt just has his brows furrowed like I'm freakin' insane!

"You." Remi gives me a standoffish look! "You stop that. You're weaving a strange fate. Stop it." Woohoo!

Anyway- yeah, this's as far as revisions go! It's time to slip into the munted dimension!

Actually, y'know what would be a good way to explain the quality drop-off? I turn to Ha-chan…

I give her Swift Brand. "Alright, Ha-chan. Hit me as hard in the head with Swift Brand as you can, and don't stop!"

"Um…" Ha-chan gives me a huge awkward smile!

==== SEE YOU NEXT REVISIONS ====

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stand before a double-doored entrance to the library, which was apparently sealed shut with a powerful magic seal.

I took a swing at it with Swift Brand, and it bounced off. "Freakin' unbelievable!" I knew that wasn't gonna work, anyway...

Matt folded his arms. "Great job, Prince Charming. You'll definitely save the princess at this rate."

I wield Quake Maker, pulling it out of my sack in moments. I start to apply the strength-up to myself, getting pumped!

"Oh yeah, yo? It's time to make some quakes, and I ain't afraid of no quakes!... as long as we're not around lakes!" Lakes are bad for quakes!

His sack rustled lightly. "im baked" spoke the fluffy hooligan. Aww.

With that, he quickly slammed the sack into the wall. "Shut up."

Annnd the strength is here! "Fuck magic doo~rs!" I roared, bringing Quake Maker's edge to the door.

Weowp!

The hanger hammer was repelled back, seemingly accomplishing nothing. I stumbled back a bit, brow twitching. "This is a real freakin' embarrassment!"

"One more failed attempt and I'll bash your skull in." Son...

I turned to him, grinning. "Son, I'll use you as the battering ram if you keep that up!"

I reach into my sack and start pulling out some things, until I find a friend.

It's a fluffle I stole earlier! "hello friends"

"I found a pal!" I exclaimed. I brought it close, only to hold it a medium distance away from myself, debating to hug it. I dunno, he's freakin' fluffy, but he's also freakin' fluffy...

My friend's eye twitches as he rips the fluffy hooligan out of my hand by its head and slams it into the door.

"help! i seek culture!" it yelled out, wiggling against the magic barrier.

"Useless trash..." he tossed the fluffle down onto the ground and stomped on its soft, fluffy head. It was nuzzlable!

"Waaal!" It started wailing, flailing against the dirt. Aww!

I began looking crestfallen. "But it was fluffy…" I wanted to hug it!

He glares at me with slightly widened eyes. "You'll learn the true meaning of being fluffy soon enough if you keep that up."

Looking to the door in contemplation, we wait outside in the rain for a moment… and then I grin. "Oh boy, oh boy! I've got just the thing!" I don the Holy Hanger of Holiness and Holy Holes. "Friend, do you have a darkness thingamajig yet?"

From his pocket comes hot pink and magenta scissors that look like they came from Dora the Explorer's backpack. "Only the darkest."

I stare at them somewhat incredulously. "...I won't even ask. Yo, you got anything remotely elemental yet?" He's gotta have something! Even wet things would do!

He unfolds some red scissors, which look similar to Flame Dispenser and Sakuya's Crimson Jazz knives. "Fire-based scissors. If I ever decide to be a raging arsonist, I guess."

I pull out Hydraulic. "Okay, we can make this work… I think! Okay, now we just gotta do the thing with the sparks…" I focus really hard and scrunch my face up, staring at him! This should work!

He raises a brow. "...What do you plan on doing?"

I drop my focus and sigh... "Okay, look yo, we gotta build your limit break bar or something!"

His brow remains raised. "...I knew you were crazy, but not this crazy." Woah, no!

Groaning in frustration, I toss him a mana potion. "Yo, probably my last or second to last one. Freakin' chug that, that might do a lil somethin' for ya."

He suspiciously examines the mana potion, then shrugs. "Whelp, if you say so."

Gulp….. Gulp….. He takes a breath. Gulp... Gulp…..

Hah…

...His face contorted extremely to the powerful taste, scrunching.

I chuckle in response. "Yeah, I know, you get used to it after awhile…" You really do.

Suddenly, something shimmers in his eye. Oh, boy!

I cheer. "Heyo, it's working! We can break all the limits now, not just the immediately accessible ones!" Like the fourth wall!

He stares blankly at me. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I prose myself for the limit break, and begin explaining things to Matt. "Alright son, we gotta do this all nice and proper! I'm gonna shout one of your names, and you're gonna be like 'we are the enemy team, roar' or something!"

"...Sure…" He dismissively states in response.

I leap into the air!... only to fall back down! "...What name do you want me to use again?" I dunno if this'd work if I called him "Lego" or "Leego"...

"Just Matthew here would be fine."

I nod, then leap into the air again! "Matt!" This felt weird, for some reason!

Matt leaps into the air aswell, with surprising vigor. "Out of my way!"

We floated up to each other's backs. "Balance Sign! Eternal Session!"

Whirling around, we smack into the door with fierce elemental ferocity, water and fire flaring as we flail our weapons wildly against the magic barrier.

Fwaash! Thunk! Fwoom! Splash!

Matt smirked. "Is that all you got!?"

We jabbed at the door with our respective weapons, then jumped back, and sent barrages of water and fire danmaku at the door.

Fwash- Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!

I grin cockily. "I'll take 'em!" ...I say 'em', but we were fighting a singular, non-sentient door...

We slowly hovered towards the door menacingly, back to back, as a giant red pair of scissors and a giant blue plant hanger whirled around us, huge waves of water and flame slamming into the barrier and forcing it to ripple.

We propel in opposite directions, using each other's backs as springboards. "Get owned, son!" I shout, whirling around to face Matt.

He grins widely. "You're gonna lose it all!"

From there, we send huge orbs of danmaku rocketing towards each other, colliding in front of the door producing large non-elemental blasts.

The 'battlefield' faded to white as the orbs intensified…

Fwiiish...!

We finish with a handshake in the center. I nod, pumping a fist. "That's it!"

Matt nods in turn, "Time's up!"

That was crazily powerful compared to my other limit breaks! Yeeheheeaah!

My friend turns to me. "...What the hell was all of that!?"

I've got no idea! "I don't freakin' know son, but we pulled out everything but the kitchen sink on that one! We need to add a thing where we like, pull out trampolines and start juggling the scissors, and-"

He cuts me off before I get any further with that. "Whatever that was, it doesn't need to get any more ridiculous than it already is."

I pout, if that was possible with my face. "Daaww… I wanted to toss plant hangers on the trampolines and play them like that Game & Watch fire escape game…" I wonder if we could defeat Reimu by the sheer left-fieldedness of such a spellcard...

"Say another word and I'll kill you on the spot." He sticks out a hand to emphasize his point, folding his arms.

We take this moment to look at the barrier, and it has faint cracks in it.

"Graaahhh!" I've had enough of magical tomfoolery for one day! "Fuck doors!" I punt the barrier… and it shatters.

CRAAACK!... clatter clatter clatter…

The barrier exploded into teal shards of magical glass, all falling down around the library's rectangle and dissipating. The door slowly drifted open, creaking as it did so.

"...Huh, that actually worked." I scratched my head, smiling. I guess that limit really did a number on it!

"What the hell's going on out here!?" we hear Remilia yell from inside the foyer, staring out at us.

"I heard explosions, and splashing, and a big fwoom, and and and…!" Flandre peeked out from the door, excited.

Patchouli peeked out of the door of her library, shocked. "W-what… could have possibly…?"

I raise my hands and look around, smiling. "Citizens of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Do not be alarmed, but operation 'Beat The Everloving Shit' out of a door is a total success!" I leap in place, pumping my fists. Fuck yeah!

Matt licks his lips, presumably riding off the power high of the limit break. I figured he'd do something like that eventually!

Patchouli sighed. "It looks like the fire is over… and with the barrier gone, I can actually get back to work…"

Remilia scratched her head. "You guys… broke the barrier? You two?...How?"

My smile gradually faded, and I stared Remilia dead in the eyes. "...Pain."

My friend accompanied me, and when Remilia's gaze shifted to him… "Suffering." he nonchalantly added, folding his arms and giving a cold, flat stare.

Remilia made a vaguely concerned expression, before walking back into the inner foyer, shaking her head. "Sometimes I don't know about that hooligan…"

Flandre didn't budge, smiling and staring out with curiosity, seemingly unphased by the exchange. She's too easily entertained!

Time to be happy again! I smiled, "Let's go son, we gotsa library to explore and a magician to seduce!"

New goal for Gensokyian bucket list: make love to the cuddly magi!... eventually… even if it might take another twenty chapters to get anywhere…

Cr-crack…

Me and Matt stared into an arbitrary direction for a moment. That's a limit we shouldn't be breaking!

Matt looked at me. "Yeah… we do."

We walk into the library ahead, soaked. I'll never need to take another bath again!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We came up to the resident magician, who was slowly arranging books on a high bookshelf, using a tall ladder. Either her mana was really low, she really liked preserving it, or she just had a thing for the novelty of ladders!

She sneezed, opening a book, the dust particles whirling around her face.

"B-blast that familiar… being absent at a time like this…" Patchouli sneezes again. Where the hell was Koakuma, anyway? I left her at Daiyousei's house, but uhhh… I don't think she's around there anymore. I'd really, really have to check.

"Hello~! Friend!" I abruptly shout, waving my arms at the base of the ladder.

"M-mukyuu!" Patchouli jumps, flailing her arms, dropping the book as she falls back-

I got this one, guys, I got this! I hold out my arms, ready to catch her…

-and she stops herself before reaching my outstretched arms via levitation magic.

"... That's cheap…" I fold my arms, trying to pout with my not-so-adorable face.

"You're cheap." Patchouli replies, frustrated with me.

Matt turns to me. "She's not wrong."

I tilt my head towards him. "Son, I'm gonna demolish you."

He stares back at me blankly. "And I'll violate your corpse."

Patchouli glares down at us, floating back up to her ladder. "If you two have nothing better to do, then surely you could assist me with some organizing… multiple books were misplaced during the siege."

I shrug. May aswell… but then we hear stomping from behind, accompanied by the slamming of the library's main door as it closed again. We weren't far from the entrance, anyway…

"You!" Yo! What's Youmu doin' hea?

I turn around, finding her soaked to the bone, with Myon following her. Myo~n! You're freakin' cuddly!

"Where the hell did you run off to!? I had to look everywhere for you!" Youmu glared at Matt, teeth clenched.

"Here." he elaborates extravagantly.

"Home." I tell Youmu all she'll ever need to know.

Youmu's left eye twitches. "Y-you… aaggh…" She groans, closing her eyes. "Let's just get out of here… although I don't think we can quite get home in this weather…"

I give a friendly smile. "Wanna help flip, stack, serve and eat books?" I casually suggest.

Patchouli double-takes. "What did you just say about my books?" Patchy wot, m8.

Uh... "...Anything you wanted me to say…"

She glares. "I take it wit is not your strong suit?" I admit that last one was kinda weak.

"Not even close." Matt, you're not helping!

"Hey, hey hey…" I put up my arms defensively. "I may not be witty all the time… but I'm wet, if that counts for something…" I could kill a youkai with these puns!

Youmu tiredly stares at me. "I'm wet. And cold, too."

Matt proposes the question I wanted to ask. "...Are you not sad, aswell?"

Glaring at him, she yells. "I'm pissed off is what I am!"

"Well I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'll make sure you continue to feel that way." He smirks.

"..." Youmu sighs, slouching tiredly, giving no words to his remark.

After a few awkward moments of silence, I raised a hand, ready to flee.

"I'd just like to add… that I'm fluffy everybody…" Smiling warmly, I look around the room. Everyone was freakin' angry! Tough crowd tonight, yo!

"Stand still for a moment, please." Matt calmly requests.

I think he's onta me yo… "...nah son I think I'm good!"

"No no no, I insist!" He gives a big, warm smile with closed eyes as he casually strolls towards me.

I reach for my sack of hammers. "Don't make me break out the ol' hushcracker on you now, son!"

His eyes narrow into slits. "Then it would be nice if you didn't make any… ridiculous outbursts, right?"

I whip out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "See this son!? The Bee-Sheventeen Ba~awmber!"

Patchouli rolls her eyes, sighing. "Oh, lords, not this thing again…"

Matt looks at my plant hanger, and chuckles. "...The Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber…?" He got it right the first time! Now I can't-

Youmu tilts her head, squinting. "...B-bee Shev...sheven-" Thanks, Youmu!

"Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!" I blurt obnoxiously. Satisfaction...

"Don't encourage him." Patchouli glares at Youmu.

"So... what does that do?" Matt casually asks.

...Maybe I should give him a first-hand demonstration! "...Yaknow what, son, c'mere…" I gingerly step towards him.

Patchouli floats up off the library floor. "I'd rather not."

Youmu doesn't react, not having seen the effects of this hanger before.

Matt brandishes the pretty-in-pink scissors. "This should be interesting, shouldn't it?" He twirls his scissors in one hand, and holds some object in the other...

Brad smiles cockily. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Star Fox!" I always wanted to say that! I aim the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber's barrel at Matt.

Matt pauses for a moment, and then throws his pink scissors in a careful arc. Were they like the Quick Boomerang from Mega Man 2?...wait…

I see a shimmering metal string- similar to Alice's, although more apparent- presumably as it wasn't her handicraft. I wonder…

"What's that, a yo-yo scissor of some kind? Yo ho ho!" I carefully duck back to avoid collision with the pink scissors, even if they were blunt, and I let the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber get taken by the string- that thing had vicious return velocity!

Matt tries to catch it, but it collides with him instead.

Blam!

Sorry, friend!

He flies back into a bookshelf, the pink scissors returning to him on the string, the plant hanger falling to the ground-

Blam!

...and exploding again.

"Wahaha~!" I laughed, across the aisle from him. "You just got an express package from… my plant hanger? My plant hanger was the thing that… I screwed that quip up!"... Words, or something! I don't know!

"You fucking… bitch…" he grumbled while standing back up. I think I made Leego angry…

"Have you had enough, friend? I've got plenty more tricks where that came from!" I call out, reaching for my bag of tricks again…

Matt ran towards the fallen Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, eager to get his hands on some decent weaponry, but...

I wouldn't do that if I were him! "Oooh, resourceful one, aren't you, lad?" I defensively whirl Swift Brand out, trying to provoke him to take the 'superior' weapon.

Instead, he pauses abruptly, and slowly raises his hands.

"Fine fine, you win for now…" he calmly states with his hands in the air. "I think I'll go browse the bookcases instead." Hmm, he seems to have realized I had more stuffs…

...I really need to learn how to do more than swing plant hangers like a lunatic, as fun as that was.

Youmu walked forward to protest, but probably remembered her earlier comment about the weather, and just ominously loomed in place instead.

Suddenly, a Yukari appeared! Woohoohaaah!

"Oooh~, my… is this a squabbling amongst friends I see?" Yukari suddenly hangs upside down from a gap between Matt and me.

"A friendly outing amongst the competitors in the ring!" I exclaimed, before raising both hands to my mouth, cupping them; "...And his name is John Cena! Boo doot doot doo, dweeeww!"

I chuckled to myself like a maniac as most occupants stared at me as if I'd grown a second head.

Yukari folded her arms while upside down. "Tsk, tsk, tsk… I don't maintain Gensokyo just for everyone to be enemies!"

...which is why humans live in constant fear of youkai! You're not fooling me, you busty blonde… youkai… thing!

Yukari dropped through a gap in the floor and landed in front of Matt. "And you, my friend, are a little overdue on your little expedition."

"I was having a little harmless sightseeing." He shrugs. For whatever reason, Yukari appeared a little peeved with him...

"Fufufu… Indeed. If you really must, I'll go over some ground rules with you later... just be sure to watch that jabbing arm of yours!" Yukari giggled, fan unfolding to mask her already blatantly amused expression. We can hear you, you know! That fan hardly even covers it- I can see you from my angle!

A gap starts to open under Matt. "By the way… when I plan a course for you to take…" Yukari stares flatly. "I expect you to take it."

Matt drops through the gap.

Yukari slowly turns to me, grinning. "Well…? Was it everything you wanted, and more…?"

I raise a brow. "...You're gonna be having your hands full there, Yukari."

Her smile falters, but her tone doesn't change. "Oh~?...What could you possibly mean?"

I smirk. "Ah, nothing. Something about pop culture puns, I assure ya."

Giggling, Yukari begins to recede into a gap. "My, my… I'll tell you this much… A woman's hands are always clean."

The gap shut, and she was gone.

I stare at the air for a little while. "...That was freakin' weird, yo!"

Patchouli looks at me curiously. "...That way you spoke with Yakumo… you're smarter than you exude, hmm?"

I smile. "Yes, I am the next Albert Einstein of magi!"

"...Nevermind." Patchouli dismissively floats away.

Youmu's eyes widen. "W-wait… she forgot about me! I can't go home in the rain!"

I walk up to Myon and freakin' hug it. "Cuddly."

Youmu jumps, and raises her hands. "H-hey! What are you doing!?"

I start to walk off with Myon. "I found a friend, friend. Goodbye." I start walking off into the bookshelves…

Youmu runs after me, looking very conflicted. "H-hold on!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli, Youmu and I all sat around a table deep within the library, because we all had literally nothing better to do.

"This weather is rather peculiar…" Patchouli stated plainly, quite uninvested in the topic she brought up. Her face was in a tome of unknown contents, as usual.

"Nope, it's a bright sunny day. What're you talking about?" I stare at Patchouli questioningly, even though I knew it was freakin' raining nuclear warheads outside.

"...You're annoying." Patchouli concludes, still reading.

"...I can't get home in this rain." Youmu solemnly concludes.

I stand up. "We should do something!"

"Let's not." Patchouli denies.

"Damn." I sit back down, sighing.

...Second verse, same as the first!

I stand up. "We should do something!"

"Please, no." Patchouli denies.

"It's too late for that, Patchouli! We must… I didn't think this far ahead yet…" I sit back down, hand to my chin.

"..." Patchouli offers no words, continuing to read.

Suddenly, a drop of water lands on my head. Then another… and another!...uhm…

"Hey, uh, how well is the roof of the library insulated against water damage?... The roof to this used to be upper floors of the manor, right?"

Patchouli's eyes widen in realization. "...Oh, damn it!"

She sits up suddenly, hitting her knees on the table. "M-Mukyuu!"

I still dunno how that comes out instead of "ouch", but okay!

The dripping starts to persist across the table. I turn to Patchouli. "Look yo, what can be done to stop freakin' mass roof collapse by sheer water volume?"

Patchouli glares at me. "This is no laughing ma-"

I cut her off. "But seriously, can we do anything about this or should we start running?"

Patchouli sighs. "You never should have broken the barrier, you know…"

I grin sheepishly. "...Someone would have eventually!"

"That's probably right…" Patchouli sighs, again. She sighs way too often! People in this fanfic sigh way too often because I'm a freakin'-

Shatter!... clatter clatter clatter…

Oh shit, the fourth wall! I look around alarmed while the other two jump in their seats, surprised. I quickly st-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ( You suck. ~Y.Y.) ====

"That's probably right…" Patchouli sighs, again. She sighs way too-

Sudden head pain! I blame all the potion guzzling…

"A-ah…" I lurch over on the table for a moment.

Patchouli eyes me curiously. "Don't die just yet, you might be useful for getting us out of here before everything falls down."

Water starts pouring in from holes in the ceiling. Hmmm…

"Hey, Patchouli?" I turn to her.

"Hmm?" She starts floating up from the floor, looking mildly distressed despite her nonchalant replies.

"Do you have any books you wouldn't mind losing?" I ask, staring at her.

"No." Patchouli flatly replies.

"Would you rather lose some, or lose all?" I ask, expression unchanging.

"...What do you have in mind?" Patchouli stares at me vainly, beginning to not like where this is going.

"We're gonna practice arts and crafts!" I rub my hands together, hopping onto the table as water begins dripping on me.

Youmu looks mildly distressed by the state the library is in. "U-uhm... "

"Alright, Patchy- I can call you that, right?" I inquire.

"Call me that again and I'll have your head upon an emerald pike." Patchouli answers, glaring.

"Yooo~kay…" I awkwardly smile into the distance for a ginger moment… "Alright, Patchouli, I need you to levi-ma-tate me up to the ceiling, along with any least-desired books!"

Patchouli makes a strained expression, but complies regardless. I feel my body slowly lift.

"You're able to control your movements, by the way, but if you leave the library's vicinity like this you'll plummet eventually." Patchouli tells me. Some books hover around me, falling into an orbit.

"Yeeheeehaaah!" I exclaim, air-swimming to the roof, and Patchouli floats up alongside me.

I was flying without a flail, even if only temporarily!

Reaching the roof, parts were quickly being eaten away by the water pooling atop the non-waterproofed flooring atop the library.

Yaknow… "Aren't most of these books waterproof?" I pop a question out there.

"Yes, but that won't save them if this entire place comes crashing down into the mud…" Patchouli trails off vainly.

"Is each page waterproof? By how much?" I ask, wanting details.

"...Pretty much entirely, I made certain. They actively repel water, but moisture can be problematic. They still get moist if exposed to heavy quantities, causing them to stick to each other. They're really only fit to bring into a bathtub… which was all the enchantment was really made for anyway. That, and to prevent basic spillages from being an issue." Patchouli concluded, coughing lightly at the end of her explanation due to the length of speaking.

I start ripping the pages of a nearby floating book.

"W-what are you doing!?" Patchouli is immediately alarmed by this development!

I start slapping the pages against a leak in the roof, holding them in place long enough for them to get moist, and continue slapping them onto the spot in question, only stopping when the leak ceases to be. The leak ceased expanding, aswell!

"Paper mache-esque, at any rate!" I exclaimed, grinning widely. I kinda can't believe that worked!

"I...see…" Patchouli furrows her brows, both in contemplation and intimidation that this'd probably be costing alotta freakin' books.

I make way for the next crack, water openly gushing down through it as it was expanding into a large hole. I started slapping papers on the edges, only for some of them to get thrown off by the water flow.

"Freakin', yo…" I start slapping them on faster and sloppier, but this eventually paid off and I'd used most of a tome by the time I had plugged the hole.

Patchouli let out a shuddered sigh. "I-I can't believe this…"

I grin and shrug. "I can't either!"

Like so, we hovered around plugging the priority gaps in the ceiling… but it was a freakin' large ceiling.

Youmu floated up. "D-do you two, uh… need any help?"

I nod. "Take some tomes and start ripping! We'll remake the entire ceiling from waterproof paper by the time we're done!"

Patchouli's eyes widened. "Lords, no…"

Youmu reluctantly took a floating tome and started ripping.

"No!" Patchouli started trembling…

We began meticulously plugging an expanding hole in the ceiling, shutting it up tight, using an entire tome in the process.

"Noooo~!" Patchouli screamed, hysterical.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The ceiling lightly dripped, but it was now smothered in pages of various tints, ages, colorations, and contents.

"...Why…?" Patchouli was lurched over on the table, sulking.

"Because water is wet." I explained, taking a bite of an orange Sakuya had brought in with some snacks earlier. We had to have spent a good few hours working on that hole patching…

Youmu fidgeted in her seat. "I-I'm sorry about your, um, books…"

Patchouli glared at her. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have touched them, now would you?"

Youmu cowered in her seat under Patchouli's glare. "A-ah... I-I guess you might, uh, be… right…"

I shrugged. "Look on the bright side, friends, at least the entire library won't sink under the shit-fields of the Scarlet Open-Countryside!"

Patchouli turned to me. "...I...guess you're right, but still…"

"Look, didn't you use least desirables? Think of it as spring, uh… fall cleaning? You know what they say about fall showers!" I stumble through conversation choices like it's a dating sim!

"...I suppose. It's a shame how they went out, though…" Patchouli still looked melancholic.

Youmu looked at me like she wanted to say something, until she did infact say something. "Say… what do they say about fall showers? I heard the spring showers saying, but…"

I slowly shift my gaze to her. "...they don't say anything 'bout fall showers." I reply lowly, giving her what I hoped was an unreadable expression.

"...Oh." Youmu didn't know what to think about that!

Patchouli looks up to the tattered, paper-mache ceiling. "Still… I suppose I should thank you for helping save the library."

I turn to Patchouli again. "You suppose? Hypothesize, even? Is the roof's current state theoretical or uh…" I jab at her language usage!

Patchouli glares at me. "Is connotation dead?"

"Yes." I reply. I had to!

Patchouli levitates a book over, and flips it open. "...Figures as much."

Youmu slouched in her chair. "I still can't get home…"

Here we were again, all seated bored around a table, only this time slightly more damp!

"...We should do something!" I stand up.

"The last time you said that, the library nearly fell apart. Sit down, and for the love of hell, don't propose that we should do something!" Patchouli snapped, eyes beginning to faintly glow.

Magi are scary!

I sat in my seat, arms folded. If only I could syphon, yo… then I wouldn't have to fear magic glowy eyes of pain!

...I doubt I'd ever get something so useful until the next fifty million chapters, or at all. I blame the fluff market.

"...Fine, if you're really so bored, I've got something for you to do." Patchouli speaks out, breaking the silence and dripping.

"...It better not be organizing books!" I forewarn.

"...Give me a moment, then." Patchouli adds, face still in her tome.

"Hah!" I exclaim, unmoving.

We sit still for at least ten minutes more, as I waited for Patchouli to crack and give me something. I grew impatient…

"Alright, fine, I'll organize the books." I grumbled, scowling.

She smiles. She knew I'd cave in from the very start! "Very good. There'll be a few things I need to tell you before you start…" Patchouli sets down her book, cracking her knuckles. Do you even use your knuckles as a magician!?

Patchouli levitates from her seat, and starts hovering around the table. "First, the books need to be categorized by the Gensokyian Standard Dewey Decimal System Modification, catalogued in detail at my study for those unfamiliar. In short, it combines the successes of the original base model but adds consideration and respect for the magical works present in such a library. Some of the other librarians in Gensokyo and I had come together to form such a system as we had similar interests in mind with how Gensokyo as a whole would handle literature."

...I just wanna know how to categorize the books, not get a history lesson on the dewey decimation system!

"Now, most of the tomes you will handle today go in the A-67-X4 section, marked by the purple, green, and lime green bands on some of the books. Only some, peculiarly. I blame the fairy maids for that, they can get a bit lazy when it comes to the identification band binding on some of the more well documented tomes." Finished, she gazed off into the bookshelves ahead.

I raise a hand. "...Ey, teach, uh… can I ask a question?"

Patchouli sighs. "...Yes?"

"...Da fuck's a dewey domination system!?"

"..." Patchouli turns to me slowly. "What the hell are you doing in a library? This place is for those of some sort of intellectual worth, not raging barbarians."

I grin. "Well, how else did raging barbarians learn to pilot destroyer battleships?"

Her brow twitches. "What."

I wipe my forehead. "I dunno, yo… them barbarians learn some crazy shit in barbarian camp! They've got some crazy voodoo tribal ways, dude!"

"...I don't think I'll be having you organize books today. Or at all, as a matter of fact." Patchouli concludes.

I smirk. "Let's do s-"

Patchouli talks over me. "No, we shall not, infact, be doing anything today. It's not even day anymore. Do you know what time it is?"

I look up, not seeing any sort of light peer through the soggy pages. "Half past a fuckin' typhoon. Who put that storm there!?"

Patchouli closes her eyes, and lets out a deep sigh. She still did too much sighing! She was gonna drain the library of its oxygen at this rate! "...It's 9:26 PM in the evening, if you didn't know."

I was startin' to get this funny feelin' I was pissin' her off! "Nah, I did know. I was just testing you, yo."

Patchouli rolled her eyes. "Su~re…"

Youmu quietly ate oranges, looking somewhat amused by our exchange.

I shrug. "Regardless, I've got like, all night. I'm not goin' anywhere in a freakin' hurricane, not unless I have to!"

No one replies, so I continue.

"I've got like, what, ten hours to learn the dewey destruction system?"

I quickly slam my arms against the table, seeing an incoming projectile. Sadly, I pushed the table back instead of my chair, so a danmaku pellet struck me in the face, causing me to fall off my chair.

"Oh, shit!" I yelped, falling back. Oof!

"I'll show you a dewey destruction system, and it'll only take a few painless moments!" Patchouli shouted, eyes glowing brightly as her tome whirled around her violently. Oh, shieut!

"I've startled the witch!" I shout, scrambling up. I don't even play Left 4 Dead, and I know that joke!

Youmu starts giggling as I begin running from a severely agitated magi on a magic-slinging spree.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Patchouli breathes heavily in her seat, all tuckered out from the levi-ma-tating and the magic storms.

I nursed my everythings, as I had caught multiple flaming danmaku pellets to all of my extremities.

Youmu looked thoroughly amused.

"Look…" Patchouli pants out, exhaling.

"I'm looking, just not feeling!" Danmaku makes me all tingly on the outsides, and tingly on the insides!

"You want something to do…? Here…" Patchouli clumsily lobs a blue book across the table, and it sprawls open in front of me.

She takes a deep breath, and continues talking. "Go nuts. It's about water magic, by the way."

Water magic, during a typhoon. I dunno what to even say about that, but uh…

I look at the pages ahead of me.

"...carefully calculate the seafront diameter of your local water source; and don't let diction such as 'seafront diameter' get the best of you- that is simply defined as the net velocity of a given body of water times the total surface area of what you can see with the naked eye. In this way, a proper non-practitioner of magic can easily gauge the mana needed to be expended with just their eye and some liquid examination spells. Turn to page 5234, and 992-X5 for details on mages with disabilities and those who are in need of proper liquid examination spell referrals."

...Quick question, who read that above paragraph? I know I didn't!

"Hey, Patchy." I turn to her.

"You're lucky I don't have the energy to impale you with an emerald pillar right now." Patchouli glared at me.

"There's too many of the words, Patchy-chan! I can't ta~ke it!" I whine, flailing at the book.

"...When my mana refills, I will kick your ass." Glare intensifies!

"Patchy-sensei-san-chan-san…" I trail off.

"Your life is mine." Patchouli slowly rises from her chair, and paces over to me, tome raised.

"Waauugh!" I yell out, backing away from the impending threat of blunt trauma as Youmu has a giggle at the sight.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I lied in the dark library atop a table, Patchouli having gone to bed earlier and taking the lights out with her. Upon attempting to follow her, I ended up back at the table we were at before because she's got freakin Mario RPG maze shit goin' on up in hea.

Youmu took off to find shelter within the singular room the entire actual manor was currently comprised of… last I knew, anyway.

...Tables weren't much better than the floor, by the way…

A drop of water hits my face. No, the ceiling wasn't collapsing again, this is just what it did. Paper mache roofs aren't good roofs, you know!

...Matt still had my freaking 3DS! I hope he was enjoying Smash 4!

I blame Yukari for that one.

...

Finally, I fell asleep.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"The Hakurei must fall…"

I jabbed at the armored fluffle before me with God Hand, and a holy light enveloped the fluffle, searing it.

"Graaoooh!" It lurched back.

Bew! Bew! Bew!

I parry one laser from parts unknown with God Hand, but…

Vzat! Vzat! Vzat!

The other two strike me on the arm. "Algh!"

"Shhrraaah!"

Bew! Bew! Bew!

"The balance must falter…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I awaken at my table. Man, my dreams are gettin' fuckin' weird! I miss the old wet dreams I was having earlier!... is what I wish I could say, but since most of my rests haven't been necessarily restful, I haven't even been having dreams at all!... aside from these freakin' stoopid ones!

I look to my left, seeing Patchouli at the table with another tome.

"Good morning, world!" I exclaim, sitting up abruptly.

Patchouli doesn't bat an eye. "Morning."

I roll off the table and look at the blue book again, with lots of wordy words.

"I shall digest the literature today!" I exclaimed.

I flip to a random page, seeing diagrams with symbols I didn't quite know what to make of!

"There has to be a way… to extract the magics from this book!" I bring it up to my face, not being able to read anything due to how close I bring it.

"...I could just teach you how to cast the spell, if you really needed." Patchouli provided, not glancing up from her book.

I look at her. "...Of course, you realize, that's the only way of doing things now."

Patchouli slams her tome shut. "...Oh, right. Damn."

She levitates the blue book over to herself, and starts whirling through the pages. "Let's see… practices and applications… in reality this is a really unrefined and unoptimized text, but you know… it's in English, so for you it'd be the best you could get."

I rub my hands together. "Oh boy, oh boy!"

"...Simply put, if you knew how to cast that fireball, you already knew how to cast the waterball this teaches." Patchouli explains simply.

Say who what now.

"...So to make this lesson more engaging, I'll teach you how to do a stream of water instead." Ah...

...Say who what now!

Patchouli raises and goes first, shooting a stream of water forward onto a table she levitated into place for practice purposes.

Shwoosh!

The water splashed weakly against the table.

"...It's not very effective offensively, but if you need to get them wet for any reason, well… there you are." That sentence totally wasn't awkward!

I stand. "Anything different I need to do?"

Patchouli nods. "Instead of lobbing a ball, try holding it in your hand and imagine it flowing out."

It's pretty much Mario's FLUDD move from Smash 4, and by that I mean it's a freakin weak gush of water with knockback properties… and I don't think I'd need to guard any ledges in this weather, anytime soon.

I stand, holding out my hand, envisioning a ball of water… and then I imagine charging it like Mario does in his special attack, and then I shoot it out.

Splweeooosh!

I was pushed back by the force of the water coming out.

Splash!

The table vibrated a little in the air, rocked a bit by the water.

"...Charging, hmm? I don't know where you learned to do that, but good on you…" Patchouli nodded, and began to return to her tome.

I furrow my brows. "...That's it?"

Patchouli shakes her head. "Due in part thanks to Gensokyo's generous magical ambience, due in part from your imaginative skills. Calculations are very unimportant at basic magic levels, and even at a few expert ones in some instances, making this a very good place for blooming magi. That said, it can be frustrating for practitioners were they ever to leave Gensokyo only to discover their actual magical prowess is tiers under what they studied… If we were not in Gensokyo, calculations would mean the world to a budding magician, and conversely, they'd become less important with more advanced magics since the beginning ones would be so heavy in theoretical work and abstract equations."

Finished with her speech, Patchouli returned to her tome.

Huh. That was like a freakin' lecture, but I think I got it…

I stretch…! "I think I'll be setting out now, yo!" I exclaim, standing up.

"See you." Patchouli states, face still in a tome.

"Don't let the books bite, friend!" I call out.

As I walk towards the door, it opens and Marisa floats in.

"Hey, ze! What're you doing here?" Marisa asks, surprised by my presence

"Look up, yo." I point to the ceiling.

We both look up, seeing the dim day's light glow through the paper mache ceiling.

"Holy shit! What happened!?" Marisa jerked back at the unstable roof, blanching.

"I dunno, yo. It was a little wet." I shrugged.

Marisa had an incredulous, ajar expression on her face. "A little!?... speaking of, my house was flooded the other night!"

I rose a hand to my chin. "Is it me, or has it been raining freakin' mini rain nukes across Gensokyo?"

Marisa nodded. "Yeah, there's a few of those too."

Wait… "Wait, mini rain nukes, you mean?"

"Yeah, there's these big blue bullet-shaped things, with countdowns on them that sometimes fall down. When they finish, they explode into a geyser. I woke up to one next to my bed, ze!" Marisa put her hands to her hips, slightly agitated.

"...That doesn't sound healthy!" I exclaim.

"It really isn't! I should get it checked out, ze!" Marisa replied. "Infact, that's why I'm here, to see what Patchy knows about the water as of recent!"

I grin. "Well, I think she's taken notice, at the very least…"

Marisa nods. "Mmm… See you 'round!" Marisa takes off, heading for Patchouli's approximate location.

I walk out the library do- oh god, rain! Help!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walked into the foyer, soaked.

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all out of gum." I grumbled, soaked to the bone.

"I'm not liking it any more than you, boy." Remilia was seated by the campfire in the middle of the room.

Flandre was asleep under some tattered blankets next to the fire, and some fluffles were gathered around the opposite side, their fins facing the flame, warming up. They had water gear on, too!

I eye the fluffles. "...Freakin' fluffy."

Remilia waved her hand. "Sakuya tried, they just kept coming back so we ignored them. They don't do any harm, anyway."

One of the fluffles had the huge burly water armor on too, but it wasn't flowing… could they control their passive abilities?

In any case, enough about the fluffy friks! "Any news on the weather, yo?" I inquired.

"I don't know. Why don't you go check?" Remilia looked at the door I came from.

"...Point." I sighed. "Where the hell's all this water coming from?"

"The sky." Remilia provided.

Giving Remilia a crude glance, I made for the door. "Alright, friends, I shall do the adventuring! Maybe I'll find out why it's raining more water than there is on the entire Earth!"

Remilia shrugs. "You do that."

I make for the door, and leave the foyer. Walking out onto the front lawn, the rain freakin' beats me the fuck up.

"Gaahh, piss…" I mumble to myself as I'm soaked in seconds, again. I should be used to being wet all the time, but I'm not!

I look back at the manor, and see some hallways are starting to expand out. Hey, maybe when I'm back the whole manor will be rebuilt! That'd be something!

I leave the front gate, passing a fluffle stand. "hi friend"

Oh, it's only been not long enough, you thing, you… "C'mere, friend, just-just c'mere…"

"im tiny" Sure!

I walk up to it and pick up the fluffle, stuffing it into my hammerspace sack. "You're mine, again! Where do you things keep coming from!?"

The fluffle pokes its head out of the sack. "home"

Freakin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I held Quake Maker defensively as I struggled against the tides and winds of the path to the Hakurei Shrine… and the misty lake was a bloody whirlpool by this point!

"Hooly-" I couldn't even hear myself over the wind! Fuck!

I eventually caught up to the shrine steps… only to find them undergoing the turbo-express wash from the great faucet in the sky.

"Nope." I say to myself, walking away. Today's no day for anything outdoors-related! I shouldn't even be out right now!

Suika floated by on the water current washing over the path, which was up to my knees around the shrine path. She was chugging her gourd, a generous amount spilling into the water. At this rate, I think any passing humans or youkai could probably get drunk off the water before they drowned…

"Waahooo!" Suika cheered, floating along with the tide.

...at least she was having fun!

I continued to struggle against the waves, making my way for the village… I had to start jamming Quake Maker into the earth below; this was freakin' bad!

A large chunk of ice floated by me, and I saw people on it! I couldn't make out who, but I knew it was probably Cirno and her chucklefucks!

There was no way my hanger rocket boat would possibly be able to sustain itself in this kind of- Oh, shieut!

I lurched back, nearly toppled by a violent wave. Dayum!

I slowly but surely made my way towards the human village… not like I could see ten feet in front of me!

Heave… ho! Heave… ho!

Freakin' water! I need water-resistant clothing or something already! Graaahh!

The iceberg floated by me again, as did Suika.

"Yaahooo~!"

The iceberg barely missed me this time, but I was able to make out Daiyousei and Rumia, who seemed to have taken refuge on it.

Suika crashed into me, and I was forced to hold onto her as the water dragged us along.

"Aaahhh, hello!" Suika cheerfully greeted as I clung to her with one arm and to Quake Maker with the other.

"Pain!" I exclaimed, floating along the waves. I never learned how to swim…!

"Ahhh, relax…" Suika clutched me, locking me in place alongside her.

Like this, we floated along, the iceberg passing us now and again. Where the hell were we!?

I'm not sure if I'm even on the path to the human village anymore!... infact, I think I'm not!

A small, quaint steampunk ship floats up beside us, and the iceberg collides with it.

"W-what!?" A frazzled girl's voice comes from inside. "N-no! Damned fog! No!"

Blam! Blam!

"Oh, no no no! Nooo~!"

Kaboom!

The ship exploded, for whatever reason, brass parts raining across the water.

Suika and I bobbed down into the water for a moment as something landed on us, but we floated back up.

I sputtered. "Fuuaah! I need air!"

A blue haired girl in a blue coat was now clinging tightly to Suika. "My beautiful creation! Now I'm a slave to the waves!"

Isn't that… that is!

"Hello, Nitori!" I call out.

"A-ah? Do I know you…?" Nitori curiously eyes me, still clinging to Suika.

"Nope! I don't think it matters right now, though!" I shout, and we pass the iceberg again. Were we on freakin' spin cycle or what?

"I don't wanna drown!" she exclaims, eyeing the water cautiously.

Wait… "...Aren't you a kappa?"

"...Oh, right. Guess I got caught up in the whole idea of motorized boats… you see, there was this funny story about a man who couldn't swim, but he loved to like, go out to s-"

I cut in. "Funny story and all, but I can't swim either and am in need of freakin' aid!" I shout out.

The iceberg collides with us, having dipped a bit, and we washed up onto it.

I try to stand, but slip onto my chest. "Fuaaa…" I exhale, and let myself relax against the cold ice. I was cold, and wet, and sad…

"Welcome aboard the S.S. Cirno!" Hello to you too, Cirno...

Well, now I was stranded on an iceberg with freakin' loony toons. Help, send fluff.

"Aaahhh…" Suika chugged her gourd, lying on the ice.

"Ah… a boat made of ice! Excellent idea!" Nitori took out a power welder, and started blowing it on the ice, melting it. "A-ah? It doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my welding tools!"

I cautiously glide around on the ice, carefully planning my movements… until Rumia stumbles and lands on Suika, the two of them spiraling across the ice. Like that, they bump into Nitori, whose weld tool goes wild.

"A-aaah!?" She flails wildly, and embeds it in the middle of the ice platform.

"W-what are you doing!? No! My ice!" Cirno starts tugging at the weld as the ice begins to melt into water, the ice raft dissolving…

"O-oh, no!" Daiyousei, do something useful!

Daiyousei was sitting on her bum, sliding around, eyes full of fear. That's not useful…!

I don't know how the hell we were all still on the raft, since it was a demolition derby at this point!

I noticed Wriggle wasn't aboard the raft, just now. You better have evolved gills, or you're fish food!

I looked off the raft to see the outline of a fluffle fort, the palisades coming undone in the waves.

"Waaal!" wails a water magus fluffle, who was reaching for its staff, but it fell under the waves.

Thump!

The entire iceberg shook as something landed in the center, and the melting ceased, Nitori's weld tool destroyed.

"M-my tool!" Nitori dug at the ice, making no progress as slush froze back to ice.

"There we go~!" Cirno puts her hands on her hips. "We survived the trial, friends!"

Cirno was the only one of us not sliding around in a circle, but I skeptically eyed the bullet-shaped object that impacted- oh, boy…

Blue LED lights on it read "three". Three whats, I don't know, but once that hits zero, we're fucked!

"Someone! Destroy the thing in the center! It's mean and full of water!" I shout out.

"Who cares? More water for me to freeze!" Cirno strikes a pose!

The LED light reads "two." Ohh, ho ho ho…!

"It's full of candy, then! Lots!" I exclaim.

Rumia desperately paws against the ice on all fours, trying to make for the nuke, but fails to gain any traction at all.

No one else reacts to the mention of candy…

"Ehhh… Eye dunno, Eye don't really feel like candy right now…" Cirno made a thinking face.

Suika hiccuped. "Nothin' beats sake, lad…"

Daiyousei furrowed her brows. "I dunno, that seems like it'd be some weird candy…"

The blue LED light reads "one". Oh, shiiieeeut!

"It-it's candy for only the strongest of strong! Legendary, even! That's why I'm frazzled and shit! Do something, dammit!" I start yelling, bracing myself as best I can… which isn't alot!

Rumia struggles against the ice intensely, traction betraying her.

"Strongest…?" Cirno's eyes widen, then she smirks. "Eye'm the strongest!" She floats up to the nuke and starts punching it, to little avail.

Welp, we're screwed.

"Ohh~ ho ho ho…?" Suika digs a hand into the ice. "You wanna see strong, fairy girl?"

Cirno puts her hands to her hips, and kicks the nuke. "Eye am strong!"

Suika slowly stands, and stomps up to the nuke, the iceberg bobbing with each footstep.

The blue LED light reads "zero", and starts flashing. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

With one hand, Suika tears it out of the ice, and throws it into the distance.

"Ahhh… I expected it to be a lot heavier…" Suika sat down melancholically, before looking back to her gourd. "Oh well!" Commence the chugging!

BOOM...SPLAASH!

I bring Quake Maker down into the center of the iceberg for steadiness, but instead accidentally crack it. Oh well, it'll live!

"L-look out!" Daiyousei blanches, pointing into the mist, as a huge wave of water-

Sploosh!

I take a deep breath as the water recedes, the iceberg surviving, although Rumia, Daiyousei, Suika, Cirno, and Nitori were all gone. Eheh… I'm sure Cirno can make a new iceberg or something!

Suddenly, the iceberg lurches as someone lands on it. I look up to see…

Byakuren Hijiri?

"Ah… I seem to be too late…" She looks around the iceberg, eyes darting around the water as well.

"Help, water!" I shout. I'm wet!...Haaaeelp!

She glances to me. "Do you know where the others went?"

I shake my head. "Big wave, water nuke. Pain. Long journey, no see home. Big kahoona."

Byakuren gives me a concerned stare. "I… I guess I'll have to save just you, for now…"

She dives into the water, and suddenly I feel the iceberg lurch, and speed up. I feel it rip across the water as I desperately hold onto the embedded Quake Maker.

Before long, the iceberg was lifted out of the water, and placed on top of a roof.

"...Hello, world!" I exclaim, sliding off the iceberg and onto the platform. Apparently it wasn't a roof, just… a really high wooden platform. Huh.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" Byakuren asks.

"Aside from everywhere, I think I'll be fine!" I exclaim. I did have health potions, but I'm not that badly battered…

"...Very well… I'll be right back, okay?" Byakuren immediately soars off into the fog, presumably finding more people to save. Things musta been freakin' desperate for her to be going around doing this…

...speaking of, there wasn't a whole lot I could do up here!

I wave my arms. "S.O.S! Someone, help!" I yell.

A water nuke embeds itself in the wooden platform to my right.

"...Nope, not this time!" The LED light read three, but I pulled out Quake Maker, and got a good swing ready…

"Fore!" I swung it…

Clank!

The mini-nuke went flying out of the platform, and fell into the water.

"...who the hell's dropping water bombs during a typhoon anyway!?" I shout into the storm.

A fluffle crawls up onto the platform, having climbed some of the rafters underneath. It was shivering, but had a water mage's hat on.

"help, im soft" it told me.

I rip its water mage hat off. "This is mine, now. Consider it your rent payment for the month."

"oh no" it shivered harder. Infact…

I opened my sack, and stuffed it in. Woohoo!

I looked around, seeing nothing but water. Well… sh-

BOOM

Splooosh!

The water nuke exploded under the waves, sending my platform sailing.

...It was a step up from the freakin' iceberg, I'll tell you that much! Speaking of, the iceberg slid off once we made contact with the water, and floated off into the mist.

...Yaknow, this situation's pretty freakin' grim!

I stand proudly atop my dinky wooden raft. "...I shall sail the great sea!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I come up to some land ahead! Ahoy, mateys!

Coming up to a large steep slope, I figured this was probably Youkai mountain…

"Halt!" I heard that!

"Ahoy, me buckaroo!" I'm not sure if that was pirate speak, but I liked it anyway!

"...What?" Momiji rose a brow, as I sailed up to the side of Youkai Mountain, paddling my raft with the Quake Maker.

"Hoohooy! Didn't you see the weather report in this morn's paper? 'Tis fuckin' flooded, lad!" I barked out, as I got onto shore and started dragging the raft up the side of the slope, making sure it wouldn't get swept away.

She jerks her head back for a moment, but doesn't express anything else. "Still, this mountain is secured by the tengu!"

I look her dead in the eyes. "This mountain's 'bout to be secured by Davy Jones' locker in a couple days!"

She glares at me. "How do you know that!?"

Gesturing behind me, I smirk critically. "I dunno, did the freakin' ocean rising from nothing do anything for ya?"

"...I'll escort you to the goddesses, just follow me, and stop speaking like a sailor!" Momiji starts up the mountain.

"Arrr, yee scurvy dog! Aye'm just embracin' what I am, you hear?" I retract my hand into my sleeve, pretending the tip of Quake Maker is a hook.

Momiji scowls, giving me no reply as she continues up the mountain. Tough crowds all around!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

I toss Momiji another fluffle. "Have fun, friend."

"W-what, another!?" Momiji fumbles it, and it squirms around in her arms.

"im a sea fluff" it starts crawling around on Momiji really fast.

"W-what the fuck…" Momiji starts rubbing herself, trying to knock it off of her as she stumbles away.

I walk into the Moriya shrine, to see a sulking Kanako sprawled out on a couch, a TV in the room playing old cartoon network halloween commercials.

"Uh…" What uh… what was I looking at?

She turns to me, scowling. "Yeeaah, whadda you want…?"

I look to the door. "Gensokyo's soggy, friend."

Kanako scowls. "Don't you think I know that already? Second fucking time I'm stripped of my weather abilities by some greater force… a force greater than a god! I don't even know how that works, and I've been a god for a good long while, mind you!"

I nod slowly. "...Twenty fifteen times are weird!"

Sanae walks out in a swimsuit, and looks at me. "Ah, you're here!"

I eye her swimsuit a little less than honestly but uhm… ahem…

"I don't think a swimsuit's going to save you from the wind…" I add. That, and it was cold!

"A-ah? I thought this'd give me excellent water resistance…" Sanae looked down to her green swimsuit, examining it.

"But does it give excellent wind resistance?" I ask, shaking a finger.

"A-ah…" Sanae fumbles in her… back pocket? You… don't have pockets, Sanae, that's a bikini, Sanae, what're you-

"Here!" Sanae takes out a charm of sorts, and hangs it around her neck. "It's a wind elemental charm, created by Kanako-sama herself!"

"...Did you literally pull that out of your ass? Where were you keeping that!?" I needed to know!

"A-ah…" Sanae blushed, surprised by the blunt nature of the question. "W-well… I don't know! I don't know, okay!?"

"I don't know either!" I shout, shaking her by the shoulders.

"Aaaahhhh, aaaahhh!" Sanae starts screaming.

"Aaaahhh, noooo!" I begin hollering.

Kanako smacks us both on the back of the head. "Shut the hell up already, and get going! I'm losing faith as we speak the more the weather gets… gets…" She trails off, eye twitching.

"...Mangled?" I suggest.

"Uh… abused?" Sanae shrugs.

"Molested?" I grin.

"M-misused…?" Sanae eyes me warily.

"Swindled!" Kanako shouts, her arms shooting into the air.

"Hoohhh, shit!" I shout, going with the impulsive atmosphere!

"Aaaahhhh-"

"No! Shut it!" Kanako quickly brings her hand to Sanae's mouth to stop her from yelling like a maniac.

Suwako walks in. "What's all the excitement about…?"

I throw my arms into the air. "The weather forecast!"

"...You're boring people." Suwako deadpans.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENSOKYO SUBMERGED ====

Sanae and I reach the raft at the shore of what I'd like to dub Youkai Island. Kanako wasn't too much help, sadly, but I did find a friend!

"...S-so much water…" Sanae warily stares out into the new Gensokyo, which was a sizable ocean. Even in the misty distance I could see geysers exploding out of the water, presumably the water mini-nukes doing their things…

Sanae hugs herself. "T-the temperature isn't helping…!"

I glance at her. "You shoulda come with more than a bikini!"

"B-but my water resistance!" Sanae pouts, bringing her arms together.

"You forgot ice resistance! Get owned!" I reply, dragging my raft back down towards the water. I leap onto it and Sanae follows.

"A-ah…" Sanae shivers and huddles in the middle of the raft as water and wind start splashing against it.

I bring Quake Maker to the water, using it as an oar again. Before long, Youkai Island is fully obscured by the fog, and we're at sea. If my problem-solving skills are correct, and they only sometimes are, then we should be… sailing somewhere over the Hakurei shrine right now. I wasn't too far off, as the shrine was in the distance, half-submerged.

Paddling towards it, I spotted Suika floating by, again, with Rumia and Daiyousei clinging to her as they flailed around in the calmer waves of the unified-ish ocean.

It was still raining hell, though!

"O-oh-h…" Sanae shuddered in the middle of the raft, still freakin' chilly.

"Ahoy! I spy a shrine across the waves!" I point out the presence of the Hakurei shrine in the distance.

"I-I wonder how Reimu's doing…" Sanae mutters, teeth chattering.

...I pull off my camouflage shirt and toss it to her. The thing was soaked to the point of being half-liquid anyway, so it wasn't doing me much good anymore…

The wind licks my skin, chilling me a bit, but I think I'd be fine… I dunno yet!

"A-ah?" Sanae's eyes widen as she stares at it. "T-thanks…"

She slips it on, shivering slightly less than before. This wasn't no day at the beach!

We near the shrine, and eventually the raft comes to a stop against a wall.

"Watch the raft, friend!" I toss her the Quake Maker, and she's thrown off balance and lands on the raft, lying on her back and partially squished.

"...Sorry!" I call out, double-jumping onto the shrine's roof.

I look around, and opt to just pull out Swift Brand and go to town on the shingles.

Clink! Clink! Clink!

Now there was just wood…

Thunk! Thwack! Crack!

I peered in, and saw Reimu sitting atop a kotatsu, idly paddling herself in a circle with her gohei, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Psst! Friend!" I shout-whispered to her.

She looked up at the ceiling, seeing me peer in. "W-what…?"

"Come sail with us! We're fluffy!" I attempted to persuade the miko!

"...What." Reimu stared up at me incredulously. "How did you even get here?"

"Very carefully. C'mon!" I hid just around the viewable portions outside of the hole…

...and Reimu floated out, intrigued!

I ran across the roof, and leaped onto the raft, rocking it.

"W-waah~!" Sanae flailed around, before losing her balance and falling onto the raft again. "Ooww…"

Reimu floated over cautiously, the wind threatening to pluck her out of the sky, before landing on the raft. "What the hell is this?"

I made a depressing facial expression. "Home."

Reimu snorted. "Sure."

I take Quake Maker out of Sanae's arms, and start paddling away from the shrine.

"H-hey! Hold on, what about my shrine!?" Reimu realized we were abandoning the shrine!

I turned to her. "What about your shrine? Everything's gonna be really freakin' wet if we don't kick things into gear and try to do something!"

Reimu threw her arms up in frustration. "Like what!? The only lead I've got is those canisters of water falling from the sky, and everywhere I could go to get those looked at is flooded or something! I can't even fly anywhere!"

I raise a hand defensively. "Yo, look, we got a boat! We can do the things!"

Reimu sits stubbornly, legs crossed and arms folded. "...Whatever."

"H-hah…" Sanae's teeth chattering picked up again, and she resumed shivering as heavy as before. I was startin' to get a little chilly too…

"...What's up with you?" Reimu stares at Sanae with disinterest.

"C-cold…" Sanae stuttered, looking fairly miserable by this point.

That's it! I walked up to Sanae and hugged her.

"W-whah!?" Sanae jumped, surprised by the sudden embrace.

I grin, shivering slightly. "We can't up and die of hypothermia now, can we?"

She blushes lightly, embracing my arms. "I-I guess not…" Sanae, you're not making this any less awkward!

"...Perverts." Reimu scowled at us.

Like so, we drifted amidst the waves, aimlessly traversing the great ocean that was Gensokyo.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 11

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Plant Hanger Master, Scarlet Liberator, Captain of the Generic Wooden Raft.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

Sanae Kochiya, the (apparently human) Newbie Goddess of the Mountain - A well-mannered girl with a fixation on gaming and mechs, and some other computer things I don't know about.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Gohei and holy magics borrowed from her goddesses, likely. I should bring her to a fluffle and see if they sell Kanakos there…

Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise - Human with holy affinities and gifted with the amazing Hakurei abilities, including the power to wield the Hakurei Yin-yang orb.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodbath Yin-yang orbs: Boosts attack power, and allows collection of blood to increase attack power up to 70% temporarily, affecting speed, power, and bullet density of danmaku. Non-elemental in nature, but has the uncanny effect of inflicting bleeding with ease, as if it had insane friction for some reason. Sports a red-purple color scheme.

INVENTORY: Hakurei Yin-yang orbs: Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate. Said to give one the ability to eat sweets, and not get fat!... I have that ability too; it's called a high metabolism!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

it's a rainy day today friends

...not like that means anything in the world of academia! come hell or high water, you will take that quiz and we will call you worthless for not memorizing the ten decimals of pi! you're a bad student! bad!... *cough* im not even taking math this year but my point still stands!

...i dont got alot to say yo this was super segmented throughout a school week and i got tanked and zoinked and all that fun stuff

see you all in way too many chapters! by the by- proof readers really -do- help! i thought i didn't need one, until i got one, and then shot myself in the face because he found like sixty bajillions errors aside from my nightmarish perspective errors (what can i say im just droolin' on a page here) and my obvious pacing problems (pain.), he found lots of big and small grammar issues and typoes here or there and i'm hoping not to repeat that ONE disaster on like chapter three or something where i didn't even finish a sentence one time… god that was embarrassing

in any case, see you all next time!... in ten seconds!

FOREWORD: below is me addressing criticism! only read if you're reheheheally bored!

...i just checked the reviews and noticed like one guy freakin exploded XD

yeah i do kinda switch ideas too fast, i think, anyway

i dunno what exactly's meant by "copy/pasted work"; i'd like an example and some comparisons for accusations like that

"random crap thrown together from other fanfictions" i havent actually been reading any for awhile now and have just been typing… and if i actually remembered other ones weeks in advance WITH school… i think i'd be doing alot more than writing fanfiction XD i'd probably get a job in law or something with a memory like that

...not like i'd want to; law seems freakin boring, i'd rather be studying finance or business on the side or something so i can work to attempt to escape the rat race, but i digress

"barely any touhou references" friend have you been reading; although i do think overall there is a bit too much me here or there, even if that wasn't the point you were getting at

...then again, this fanfic is all about ME; i'm gonna admit it yo i'm selfish i made this for myself

"lack of elements of what makes a story unique" … such as? help no

...yeah i actually do have a youtube and i watch touhou skits and things sometimes… but i dont think much of what i watch can directly translate into this fanfic, and since you brought reimu into question, i'm just gonna go off on a tangent on my character design choices instead of actually addressing the criticism

i chose a cruder, more angry reimu because i liked the dynamic versus some of the other carefree residents, but i wanna try and keep her vaguely duty bound and stuff; this one might seem a little irrationally angry at times but hnnngh; also, she's technically an adolescent isn't she? wait, what age is she... actually the canon won't help me there so i'm just gonna up and say she's 18 or 20 here

...also with someone as keen on starting fights as she is, you'd think her to be a little short-fused, mmm?

...the last few touhou skits i watched with reimu i vaguely remember as just her and marisa bonding and stuff, and reimu being alot nicer than i portray her as, but then again that was awhile ago so i dunno

finally, most of these guys that reviewed have apparently joined around the same time as their first reviews and additionally took the time and effort to hunt down my account, making me think they're probably a friend of mine just being stupid or something XD 'cause no one else would ever think to google that one random username and hunt down my youtube and dig through my… likes, was it? probably stuff i liked, and if that was all they digged through then help no

they also all reviewed in rapid succession showing they didn't actually read and are all probably the same person making alts

on the up side, my story looks like it has 24 reviews now!... not like review count matters, but it still makes me squee inside, even if most of those reviews are just an angry friend of mine getting back at me or something petty!

and finally…

"way to copy shakespearehemmingway"

...didn't he write the garfield royal rescue fics? i believe i made a parody in his tribute at one point, and it sucked and i stopped writing it… like, years ago. XD

i still kept the avatar i made for the thumbnail of it though because it was awesome and im still proud of that

in conclusion: i expected actual flamers, not you, ZZ or john, whichever of you it was because i know i pissed one of you off at some point XD

...but if it really is someone random, sorry for your loss .w.

FINISHED ADDRESSING CRITICISM you can hit the next chapter button now