(in which sakuya leads a roving band of maniacs)
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA IZAYOI'S PERSPECTIVE ====
We proceeded down the bookshelves; it wouldn't be too long until we reached this disturbance…
"Hey, where'd the spook go?" Taser abruptly questioned, looking around. Hmm, Cloaker does seem to have vanished… I assumed she could find her way there, anyhow. It's in her nature, afterall.
Bulldozer threw her bulky, metal-clad arms into the air. "Who the hell cares about some sneaky bastard!? I wanna snap some spines, already! Where the hell's this so-called 'disturbance' at, anyway!?"
I rubbed my temples; her shouting was giving me a headache… "Bulldozer, I'd advise you to at least turn your volume down by ten decibels before I shut off your megaphone receptor entirely."
"You can't do anything to me!" Bulldozer shouted in response. I jumped back, the volume having increased yet again, startling me. Why did the mistress believe a louder unit would be a better unit…?
Crreaaaak…
"We're not alone." I stated plainly. The bookshelf to our right was falling, and I simply stopped time and got out of the way. I pulled the frozen figure of Taser away from the vicinity of the falling bookshelf… but Bulldozer could save herself, I'm sure.
Time resumed.
Slam!
Boom!
Bulldozer stood, about as pissed off as before, in the middle of a hole in the bookshelf, books and wood sliding off her. She had stood and ignored the entire bookshelf falling on her, instead tearing a hole through it by letting it hit her. I see the armor is living up to expectations…
Looking around confused, Taser turned to me. "Time manipulation's freaky… but unique! I'll tell ya, it makes me feel kinda electric…!"
...She really, really loved her electricity. So this was the fairy maid who the little mistress said was always playing with the fuse boxes in the cellar… and probably also why the kitchen needed those electrical buffers so that devices stopped melting down.
Bulldozer stomped out of the shelf, carelessly stamping books and wood into the dust beneath her as she continued forward. Suddenly, wet arrows slammed into her from up ahead, the water splashing off her armor, but she marched on regardless.
"Is that all you've got!?" Bulldozer roared. She drew her arms behind her back, and began drawing her Light Machine Musket…
"H-help!" It was that cyan-haired fairy maid, Hana, was it? Right…
She ran from a horde of boxing glove toting fluffles whom were chasing her down. One of them landed a firm punch to her back, sending her flying into a shelf. She peeled off it, and collapsed to the floor, struggling to stand.
Taser fired up her gloves. "Electroshock therapy, anyone!?" She began towards Hana…
"W-what!?" Hana froze, staring at the crackling gloves in horror.
"Hold your-" I began, but I was too late.
Zapzapzaahp!
...Hana jittered violently. "Y-y-y-y-e-e-e-e~!"
I expected her to explode into magic at any moment… but on the contrary, she seemed to be enjoying it. Taser powered down her gloves…
"Feelin' electric!?" Taser asked, a wide smile on her face.
"Y-yeah… that felt goo~d…" Hana leaned against the bookshelf, a dreamy expression on her face. Was she electric elemental? I thought she would have been ice, considering her color and interests… she was into ice, from what I remember. Peculiar…
Komi and Koi were ahead, dashing across the lines of fluffy archers and mages that stood to resist the Bulldozer.
"Why are there so many!?" Komi yelled, dashing through their offensive line, fluffles turning to gaze at her as she passed.
"D-don't leave me behind! I don't want to be fluff and stuffs!" Koi yelped, dancing around arrows and bullets as she followed Komi.
"Elite Bulldozer! Get outta the way!" Bulldozer roared from her visor, and she took aim with the Light Machine Musket…
Batatatatatatatatat…
The gun itself was actually fairly quiet in comparison to her voice, but I think the actions of it speak louder than words…
Thu-thunk-thu-thwap-thunk-thud-thunk!
The sounds of messy, red danmaku thumping against wood and fluff resounded, the fluffy archers and mages getting torn asunder by scarlet bullets, lasers, and circles of all sizes and shapes. The danmaku had no real consistency to it; it was just a violent spatter of mistress's magic.
"Waaaal!" The sound of progress…
"Elite Taser! Get out of the way!" Namori was pushed aside as she ran by, Taser moving in on some of the… cloaker fluffles? Cloaker-imitating fluffles were closing in on Bulldozer from the sides- I don't think they could actually take her, mind you, but it's good to see them working as a unit…
Zzazazaza...Zaahhp!
"W-w-waa-aal!" The three cloakers rushing in a line were all zapped by a long-range arc of lightning, the electricity flowing through them. It had significantly less potency at range, but was incredibly good at stunning individuals and groups.
Wulululululu…!
I still don't know why Cloaker insisted on that sound device being added to her suit, but it was surprisingly menacing.
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!
"Did you all miss me!?" Cloaker yelled, pulling out a cast-iron plant hanger she apparently had, and began wailing on the cloaker fluffles, killing and destroying them in the process.
"Voltage administered." Taser announced, looking pleased with herself. She moved to put her hands on her hips… "Hahadadah! Waahhahah!"
I smirked. Despite their debatable competency and sanity, you had to admit they were efficient.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Stormy and I lounged tensely behind the ever-expanding fortress of tables we had constructed. I dubbed it "Bunker Hill" because it was a bunker, the tables pretty much made a hill, and that was a doomed battle.
This was also a doomed battle!
"Door B, get door B, damn it!" Stormy yelled, smacking aside some fluffle boxers precariously with Hydraulic who were breaking a table barricade we made.
"Door what? We need sticky notes! Maybe Patchy can air drop us some gods-be-damned sticky notes some time!" I yelled, moving for the pressured barricade, Swift Brand in hand as archers laid down the law on 'door B'.
It blew open, and boxers rushed in, only to meet Swift Brand.
Woosh!
...Also, a central part of our blockade was the frozen figure of Koakuma. She made a good tank like that!
...Suddenly, a huge wave of scarlet bullets ripped into our blockade, ruining fluffles of all types flying with the barrage of danmaku.
"Fuck me!" Stormy jumped.
"Fuck you!" I jumped!
"Fuck!" roared a loud voice from the source of the violence. Peering through the hole, I saw…
A bulldozer! Oh, shit!
"Oh, shit! Bulldozer!" I pointed, ducking behind the barricade.
"What? They brought a bulldozer!?" Stormy probably was thinking of the other kind of bulldozer… but the message was pretty much the same, either way!
I began for the other end of the fort. "Yeah, they did! We gotta get outta Dodge, son!"
Stormy ran up to me, and we tried to pry 'door A' open, with little avail.
"Come out, and play!" roared the bulldozer, approaching from behind. Who let this thing into the library!?
The bulldozer walked up towards us, and we froze.
"...I was expecting something more mechanical." Stormy stared blankly at the armored figure before us.
"Pardon me, asshole!" roared the bulldozer as it slammed Stormy aside, then punched through 'door A', exiting our table fortress and ready to slaughter more fluffles.
"O-oaahhh…" Stormy groaned from the tables to the left of the door, writhing as he walked off the pain.
I watched the bulldozer walk off into the fluffy horde, before torrents of red danmaku started tearing things apart.
I tilted my head. "...Huh." Bulldozers in Gensokyo, huh? Yeah, I guess after that last update to PAYDAY 2, it really would become a thing of forgotten fantasy...
"That sti~ngs…" whined Stormy, finally having walked off the majority of the pain.
I turn to him, rolling my eyes. "Son, pain is just weakness leaving the body!" ...if you have a dark arm plant hanger like I do!
"Ohh~ you're such a douche…" he wheezed back, still in apparent pain.
I looked around the open gaps in our dome-fort of tables, only to find no more fluffles putting pressure on any of them, all having been cleared out in one pass of the bulldozer.
Seems legit enough! "Let's get outta here, Storms Mcgee! I think the coast is clear!"
"J-just give me a second…"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Going on ahead without Storm-meister, I walk past a taser and a cloaker on my way out. Is it me, or did the fairy force get a little more intimidating…?
Coming up to a series of kersmashed bookshelves, I spy a Sakuya!
"Hello, Sakuya!" I wave my arm, grinning. Someone I recognized, if only vaguely!
She looks to me curiously. "Where exactly did you come from?"
I shrug. "I don't even know, yo… it was a manster house!" I exclaimed, my arms raising into the air.
Sighing, she turned away and began walking off. "It seems the disturbance has been settled."
Daawww… I wished Sakuya was more spunky sometimes…
I walk off after her- she was presumably returning to Patchy's study after all, since I assume she kept sending people after we didn't return.
I pass a gaggle of fairy maids- but not just any fairy maids!
"B-Brad-kun!"
Thud!
I've been glomped!
"I haven't seen you in so long!" Ha-chan cheers!
I don't reel from the glomp as much considering fairies are freakin' light. "Hello to you too, Ha-chan!"
Komi scoffed nearby. "Hana, what are you doing!? That's my servant, not yours!"
"...You're a bigger pervert than me, Komi-chan." Koi deadpanned, grinning at her friend.
I laughed. "You're still on about that? I thought I fixed all the perverted intentions when I smashed the-"
Sakuya stops, whirls around, and looks at me.
"...when Sakuya smashed the crystal thingamajig." I finished, giving Sakuya a thumbs up.
She smiles, and turns back around. Freakin', yo…
Komi grins. "You don't know much about fairies then, do you, boy?" she scoffed, before stretching in a suggestive manner...
I put up my hand. "No, I would not like supplementary courses, or infact any courses on fairy anythings. If I wanted those I'd pick out a book… or ask Ha-chan."
At that last one, Komi glared at me, offended. "What!?"
Taking this opportunity to butt in, Namori tried to resolve the conflict! "G-guys, this conversation…!"
I look at Namori, grinning widely. "It's a conversation, sister! Wadda ya want from us!?"
She blanches. "I-I… don't know! Stop looking at me like that…!"
"Brad, stop molesting various fairies. Komi, stop molesting Brad, Ha-ch- I mean, Hana, stop molesting the concept of innocence, and Koi… stop molesting, period. We have a succubus who'll gladly do all of the above for free, thank you." Sakuya snaps, not even turning to stare us down as she rattles off our names.
I fold my arms. "...Spoilsport."
"Hmm?" Sakuya whirls around, smiling at me.
"I called you a freakin' spoiler of sports! You take a soccer ball, put a spoiler on it, and now it's all soggy and rotten on the inside. You don't do that to soccer balls!" I argued, growing increasingly frustrated.
"..." She sighed. "Just… be quiet until we reach Lady Patchouli's study. You can start annoying her then, instead of me."
I refuse to stand down! I began shouting! "No! Kruuhu~sty kraahaa~haab pizza, is the pizza for you and…"
Turning to glare at me, Sakuya narrowed her eyes. "You…"
"Meehee~hehee~heee!" I started jumping on each leg, alternating.
Her left eye twitched. "...You want a pizza? You want a fucking pizza? I'll show you a pizza! I'll show you all a pizza!" Sakuya brandished her silver knives, grinning.
"You done did it, you curly-haired bastard! You broke the chief! Fuck!" Komi yelled, before beginning to fly away.
"O-oh, no!" Namori crouched in a fetal position, resigning herself to pain.
"I'm into many things, but knives are a big no-no!" Koi backs away, holding her arms up defensively.
Sakuya stops time- but for me, I'm not fully frozen!... I mean, Sakuya's still going wa~y too fast for me to do anything productive, but… what the hell caused that?
Time resumed, a barrage of knives nearly striking us all.
"A-ah…" Ha-chan was pinned to a wall, her clothes stuck against the bookshelf with knives. I don't think Patchy'd appreciate knife marks in her books…
Sakuya grabbed me by the shoulders. "You. Boy. What is your place in this manor?"
I smile. "Resident lunatic, trespasser with privileges, and Scarlet Liberator!" I could remember my many weird titles from the end-of-chapter summary!
Scowling, she tossed me to the floor, and knives pinned me down by the clothing. She stared down at me, scowling. "You just don't know when to quit, do you…? I know you have a thing for the mistress, however, considering your past actions, I deem you unfit to reside on this property any longer."
This is gettin' a little scary! "So, what are you going to do about it? Kick me out? I'm pretty sure your mistress owes me one for that whole rainst-"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I sat flat on my ass outside the front gate. I didn't even get my reward from Patchy…!
Stormy was kicked out with me too, for some reason. Poor lad!
"Don't come back. I'll tell mistress you got scared and ran away. Patchouli already knows you fled from the disturbance, and was thoroughly disappointed. I repeat: don't come back… or I'll make sure you don't try to come back." With that, she vanished.
...Is it me, or is she more of a bitch than normal? I don't know why, either, but I could see through her time stop momentarily earlier, even if it didn't give me any time to do anything… though I didn't know how that could even happen.
In any case, if I come back here, I need to be ready to kick some maid ass!
"Well, shit." Stormy declared. "I'm off to find those buddhists. At least they'll feed me… I'm sure Koa-chan will be fine for the time being…"
I shrug. "Don't freakin' die out there yo, I'll try to find a way back in!"
He looks at me, and smirks. "Right, you do that, you suicidal git!" With that, he quickly sprinted off, not like I intended to give chase.
"hi friend"
That had to be the most uttered phrase of this fanfic by this point…
"What's for sale, yo…" Must resist the urge to smuggle the fluffle with me…!
Variety of new things for sale, it seems! The fluffle swiped his fins across the desk, spreading an assortment of goods out for me.
I see that rainbow seizure-inducing plant hanger. Not like I could buy that any time soon!
There was also that headless hooha's plant hanger or whatever it was. It sounded useful from what I remember, but I don't think I could afford it…
A bright blue, faintly glowing plant hanger with crystals and white bits that just screamed 'ice elemental' sat there. Must have!
"You, fluffy with the facey, the price better not be pricy!" I snapped my fingers, looking at both the fluffle and the hanger quickly.
"eighty thousand yen, friend"
...Whelp, that settles that! "Fock you." I dismissively waved my arm at it, walking away. The fluffle kept smiling as I marched off towards the misty lake. Oh, right, it's also the dead of night… shieeeut!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I still had Kaguya's shirt on! I guess Sanae still had my shirt somewhere. Hope that camouflage does her well up on mount monster mash!... I hope she found some pants, too.
Oh, right. I'm halfway across the lake now, Quake Maker ready. I noticed the Misty Lake survived Suika's mass vaporization, for whatever reason.
"Hey… what's a little human like you doing in a place like this? Human village ain't for miles… but you don't look from around these parts, anyway." Generic male youkai! Little do you know I've got a plant hanger… and cannot see well in the dark! Mark my thoughts, however, that if I see your eyes glowing in the dark, you're getting a plant hanger sandwich!
I turn to the direction the voice was coming in, which was behind me. "You, with the face! Show me your amazing youkai magicalness so I can hit you really hard and make you go away!"
I hear a brief chuckle. "W-what kind of a threat is that? Stupid outsider. In any case, you'll make a nice meal. No one will miss an outsider as fresh as you."
...I don't think many people would miss an outsider as present as I've been, anyway, but that's besides the point! "Hah, you're a weak youkai, I bet. I don't think you can even make your eyes glow! I mean, what youkai can't do that? Hah, I came here from the outside expecting strong, burly youkai… but all I meet are fairies and wannabes!"
Suddenly, two piercing yellow eyes are in the dark. "The fuck did you just call me!?" Hoo, dayum did they glow! I could even see his torso from here!... the lad's dressed in rags!
Speaking of that lad, he was running towards me quite quickly! Reacting on pure reflex, I jab Quake Maker forward, and somehow the youkai had anticipated a swipe instead of a jab. He brought his arms up to shield his head, only for the hanger to collide with his gut.
"Gufh!" Saliva collided with my face. Eeeuugh!
The youkai reeled back, but recovered quickly, glaring at me.
"You piece of shit…" He was ready to go again!
"I'll teach you to be afraid of quakes!" I yelled, and I resorted to spinning wildly. I couldn't predict his movements, afterall!
The youkai tried to approach me, but became unsure of how to do so. He made an attempt to dash in and grapple me, but mistimed it horribly and ate a Quake Maker to the torso, sending him sprawling.
"Fah!" He rolled away, but quickly stood on two legs again, shrugging off the blow.
I ceased spinning, and grinned at him, reaching into my sack…
He stood there, glaring me down with eyes illuminated like a freakin' tractor trailer's headlights.
"Mangy, useless human…" He was staggering slightly, perhaps worn from the hits he took, but I'm sure a youkai like him was fine. If anything, I just pissed him off… so I was about to do more than that!
"Oh, what, what? You scared?" I taunted, trying to evoke physical violence. Flame Dispenser was now in my hand, and I readied myself...
It worked! "Fuck you!"
Pointing Flame Dispenser outward, I let loose a torrent of flames!
Fwoosh!
"W-what the fuck!?" The youkai stops on a dime as the flames rush out and lick him, and he jumps back at least five feet.
"Little did you know I am a magus!" I exclaimed!... I really wasn't, but you know…
"W-what!? I thought you were…" The youkai was surprised, but not intimidated!
I scoffed. "How did you think the outside world rid itself of youkai? Grand magi like me! Behold!" I stuck my hand out, and summoned a stream of fire, arcing it at… nothing, really. Somewhere in the air! Fuck the air!
"I am a crystal guardian of the seventh sanctum!" Now I was just making shit up!
"...Watch yourself, human. This isn't the outside world, by far. I might not be able to stop you… but I'm sure with that attitude of yours, you're gonna be findin' yourself belly up real soon." With a final glare, the youkai dashed into the night. Heheeey! I didn't totally thrash him, but you know… small victories!
Smiling, I continue down the lakeside… not able to tell up from down because it was so bloody dark! Hold on, idea…
Pocketing all my shit, I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!
I aimed it forward, and fired a lemon pellet, which lightly illuminated the night. Barely.
"...This is gonna take a lil doin'..." I awkwardly smile into the darkness.
Pew!
Step, step, step…
Pew!
Step, step… that rock was the- oh, shit! Nevermind, that rock was over there!
Pew!
"What is that, anyway…?" Why must there be people all out at night!? I know you're all youkai, but- right, you sleep during the day… or something. Freakin'...
...I lost my train of thought, and with it, my mental imagery of the stuff ahead!
Pew!
A woman in a white and red dress with distinctly animal ears ducked under it.
"Sorry, youkai person! I'm trying to navigate the shadows, and getting mugged by youkai at night's really not going to help me do that! If you don't mug me and I find you during the day, I'll give you a lifetime's supply worth of tennis rackets or something!" The last thing I need is more pain right now!
"W-what?... Look, where are you trying to go, anyway? The village, the shrine?"
...Huh. Strangely cooperative!... I've got my eyes on her…
"Take me to… your leader…" I trail off, voice getting darker.
"...Eientei it is, then." I feel a hand grasp mine and start pulling me along, and I've little reason but to comply!
...I dunno who this Touhou is, because I haven't delved that deep into the fandom despite my many read fictions! I mean, I know now at the time of writing this but- right fourth wall, no comprende! You saw nothing! Don't sue me, Yukari!
Thus, for awhile, I awkwardly stumbled forward in the dark…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...Alright, here's my plan for beating Sakuya the fuck up and winning my way back into the manor: Collect all of Kaguya's clothing, get time wards if those even exist, and then get Alice to make me a wig of Kaguya's hair for me to hang the time wards in. All I'd need then is like ten cans of Monster and I'd pretty much be Kaguya!
"We're here." I can tell by the illuminations 'n' things!
"Thanks, youkai person! If I see you, you're getting all the war medals and associated things I can give you!" I'd probably never see her again…
"Don't mention it…" With that, she walks off. Youkai can be nice sometimes!
I walk into Eientei, and at the desk is Reisen! She tiredly stares forward, before catching a glimpse of my outfit and rubbing her eyes.
"I'm beginning to think my eyes are getting to me, too…" Reisen tiredly jokes to herself, slouched against the desk.
"I've come for the princess's attire! It's needed for uh, a play! Of Alice's yes!" I grin.
Reisen tiredly stares at me. "You're not a doll."
Screw perception! "Oh, what do you mean? I'm one of Alice's new people dolls!"
"...Eirin's free at the moment, you know. Free enough to look at you, at any rate." Reisen gets up, and starts walking out of the room…
"Hold on, all I need are the pants!" I raise my voice a bit, catching her attention. "Yo, just some pants, and I'll bring you back a souvenir. How's one of Sakuya's knives sound? Her dress? Her entire freakin' wardrobe? How about I just bring you her?" My suggestions got progressively more extreme!
"...I'd like one of her knives, actually. I could use a new throwing knife to play with, and we don't have many knives for actual throwing here in the clinic… and I don't know where I'd find a quality one in Gensokyo. Princess won't miss one of her many pairs, they're all identical anyway…" With that, Reisen walks off…
...I'd play on my 3DS while I waited, but Matt still has it! Freakin'...
I sit on one of those little uncomfortable plastic chairs while I wait…
A short rabbit girl walks by me, and turns to me. "How's life?"
I shrug. "Fluffy."
"Have ya ever wondered what it'd be like to live life as a toon?"
That's a fun question! "...Actually, n-"
She interrupts me! "Well here's yer chance!"
Splat!
A cream pie slamming into my face forces my head to jerk back. It slides off me, leaving my face and hair covered in cream.
Merry laughter is heard down the hall as the rabbit girl runs away. No one else but Tewi Inaba…
...this crap'd take forever to clean out of my hair! I wipe some of the cream off my face and lick it. It was okay, actually! I wish it tasted a little more, I dunno, flavorful? Hmmm…
Reisen enters the room again, holding a pristine pair of Kaguya's red dress bottoms. She takes one look at me, and raises a brow.
"Tewi Inaba showed me what it was like to live life as a toon." I explained.
She nodded. "Right. Well, here's your dress, princess." Setting the dress down on the counter, Reisen pulled up a chair and sat her head down on the counter as well.
"I'm taking a nap. Good night." That's me every school day!
...Oooh! "I'll make sure to bring you some kool-aid from the manor, too!"
"Whatever that is. I don't care. I need sleep." she muttered from the counter, drowsy.
With that, I left Eientei… stopping to throw on Kaguya's trousers in the middle of the lobby, of course. I also stashed my camo pair in my sack!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Now… I'd probably need to come to Alice's place during the day. I don't think she'd make me a wig at like, 3 AM.
"Hey, Kaguya! I thought your beauty sleep was important to… you…" Mokou trailed off, realizing who she was walking up to.
"Mokou, I've found out what happens when I don't get enough beauty sleep! Jesus fuck, Mokou, I am a dead princess!" I whirl to face her, grinning.
"Pfft… Why the hell've you got her pants on? C'mon, you've gotta be doing something. Be honest." Mokou puts her hands on her hips.
"Look, yo…" I back away defensively, raising my hands. "I've got a plan to get myself back into the Scarlet Devil Mansion after the lunatic maid kicked me out for singing about Krusty Krab pizza."
She furrows her brows. "...What? What does that have to do with boning the princess!?"
Facepalming, I groan. "Yo, I didn't bone the princess of dudebro gamers! I had Reisen go steal it mission impossible style 'cause I need to beat up a freakin' time maid!"
"...How are Kaguya's clothes going to help you do that?" She tilts her head, curious.
"Because they give me time resistance yo! I'm gonna be chugging time resistance like no tomorrow!" I grin, giving her a double thumbs-up.
"...Right."
I point at her clothes. "Are those clothes not fire retardant or what? Why are they?"
"They've got wards on them, and the materials are naturally fire resistant too. Doesn't stop my flames from getting to them eventually." Mokou argues.
"Good thing time's not like fire then!" I reply, marching off into the bamboo forest of the lost at four in the morning without a clue where to go.
"...Let me lead you out, at least! I didn't think you were that stupid!" There we go!
"Thanks, Mokou!" I reply cheerfully, still marching forward as Mokou dashed ahead.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Exiting the forest, I was now on the presumed path to the village! Not that it did me much good at night, but I knew to walk dead forward!
"I'd tell you to watch yourself, but most of the youkai will probably mistake you for Kaguya in that getup. The stupid ones, at least." Mokou gives me her words as we part ways.
"Don't worry, yo, I'll just 360 noscope them with my plant hangers!" I respond back, marching down the dark path. There is a light ahead, though… I was gonna check it out!
She snorted. "With phrases like that, you've got her down to a T... Minus the plant hanger part, of course."
I hear her turn back and head back into the bamboo woods as I pace down the path to the light ahead… as it turns out, that light is the fluffle stand!
Walking up to it, there's a person there!
"Uhm…" Rumia stares down at a variety of great swords, hand to her mouth. She tries picking one up, and fails to lift it. "...Heavy…"
I look at the variety of intimidating swords. "...So, what's goin' on here?"
Rumia jumps, not noticing me there. "Ah! You surprised me, mister!"
I point to a huge ice sword. "What the frik is this!"
The fluffles smiles. Freakin', yo. "six million, five hundred thousand, thirty five yen; the Frostmourne greatsword boosts frost spells and abilities! while unable to deal instant death with singular strikes, it can deal freezing for nine turns and randomly casts Absolute Zero between turns! it also randomly casts Triple Icebergs when swung!"
...That sounds freakin' amazing! "...Can I wield it?"
The fluffle shakes its head. "no"
...Shieeeuuut!
Rumia pouts. "I could never afford that…"
I pat her shoulder. "Me neither, kid, me neither…"
...With that exchange out of the way, it was time to head towards the village! I walk off, leaving Rumia to the huge greatswords that apparently were her weapons of choice. I've never known her to wield freakin' super weapons, though… and what the hell was that ice sword? Frostmourne? Wasn't that from World of Woobles or something? Hmmm…
I came up to the gate of the village, which had torches illuminating it.
"H-hey!... Oh, it's the princess… Kagayu, right?"
Kagayu. He was close, you gotta give him that! "Yes~, it is I, the princess Kagayu!" Man, my woman voice sucked… I sounded like a really bad tranny!
"...Go in, I guess…" He looked at me like I grew a second head, but uh… heheheheh!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I think I'll just duck in that Sekabonkadonka's house…
...Oh, right, her name was Sekibanki! I immediately hugged the back roads upon entering the village. I don't freakin' know what time of the month Keine's on!
I eventually come up to Sekibanki's house, only to find her back door open. That's freakin' weird! Like a moth to a night light, I walked up to her door and went inside. The bedroom was empty, so I walked into the open main room…
There was an encounter of sorts here. I think. I don't remember much from that night! Something about candy… I also fell asleep!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I awaken! Sekibanki, baby… you need a guest bed or something! I also feel like last night was a helluva time… even if I could hardly remember anything in my sleep-deprived stupor!
No one's in the house… again. Sekibanki and Matt have both deserted me!
...I unfurl my sack out of Kaguya's skirt. There were lots of pockets on the inside for stashing crap, like 3DSs!
I also just realized how weird that sentence sounded. I make many weird-sounding sentences, actually…
Now that I think of it, I don't have any money for potions, really… which was disappointing, all things considered. I don't even know how many I have left… but it's probably something like one or two. Nyeh.
I know I had like… two health potions left. I think. I'm also rounding these down.
...In any case, it was time to begin my day!
I walk outside Sekibanki's abode, stretching…
"You!"
For fuck's sake!
"Sorry to jet, Keine, but now's not the time for rulers to be shoved up my ass!" I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. C'mere, you half-youkai bastard…!
"You're not getting away from me today!" She runs towards me for a charging headbutt, and I parry with Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.
Boom!
I fly back and away from the impact, and Keine is staggered. Now's my chance!
I pocket Bee-Sheventeen, and with the pain from the blast, I take out my Escape Plan and use it to execute an escape plan!
"See ya!" I yell back, sprinting away at double my normal speed. Keine runs after me… and shit she's fast! That's not fair!
"Not today! Today I'll get you!" Keine roars, gaining speed…
I run down into a back road, and start taking crazy turns, but Keine stays on my ass like a freakin' bull. I eventually run up to a corner, making sure to stop generously before getting to the actual side of the oddly shaped structure…
"Oh, no! A dead end!" I exclaimed. It's not really a dead end, bu~t…
"Surrender!"
I lean as low as I can and start sprinting again until I'm a generous way away from the corner. I fled to the right, and felt Keine's head soar past the back of mine as I dashed off. Good thing I thought to do that stupid looking crouch-esque sprint!
Bam!
Keine's head struck the walling… but she turned and ran towards me flawlessly, not even phased. I still gained a lead on her from that, but… yo…
"Leave me alone already, yo! I don't need a detention from life!" I wonder…
I run past a series of houses, scowling as I see nothing of use behind them. One has a ladder and people up on it working!
I dash onto the ladder and slowly and cautiously climb it. Keine runs up, then looks up at me climbing the ladder, before slowly and cautiously climbing it herself, glaring with hell's fury all the way.
...Thirty seconds or so later, I reach the top, dash across the roof, and slide off the other end onto the floor below, falling a good couple feet.
Thud! My landing was audible, and it hu~rt!
...and if it hurt…
I dash off again, wincing as my legs experience some aches, but I go even faster, now having more speed than Keine. Keine leapt off the roof after me, effortlessly executing the stunt I just pulled without hurting herself because yeah.
With my speed, I dash easily across the square and down one of the main roads, eventually reaching the gate leading down the Hakurei Shrine path. Keine was unable to keep up, and once I rocketed out of the gate she ceased following me entirely.
...Man, I felt like shit, but that was something! I escaped the wrath of education once more!
I turn back to the village far behind me, and stick out my middle finger. "Eat shit, Keine! Wahahaha~h!"
Today was good day!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I passed the Kourindou as I neared the magic forest, and I precariously jumped from roots and rocks, most of the forest floor still mud and mush.
Squish!
I feel my shoe sink into the mud… you know, on second thought…
I take off Kaguya's trousers cautiously and slip them into my sack, then I dive into the mud and dash through it in my undies.
"Liberty!" I roar as I dash through the woods. I see Alice's abode up ahead! I pass some water fairies who were getting chased down by other forest fairies, presumably getting taken vengeance upon by their brethren they betrayed during the great flood.
I walk up onto Alice's rather water-worn porch. Her house looks a lot similar to Marisa's right now!
Knock, knock, knock!
...Creeaaak
"A-at this time? Who…" Alice locks eyes with mine… and then looks down, then shuts the door. Right, undies…
I slip on Kaguya's dress bottoms.
Knock knock! "I'm decent this time, yo!"
...Creeeaaak…
Alice warily looks outside, eyes scanning my figure. "...What the hell are you even wearing?"
"Kaguya's stuff! Yo, listen, I got kicked out of the manor recently…" I begin.
Alice's eyes widen. "Really? How?"
I grin. "Sakuya Izayoi."
She shrugs. "Figures. She'll let you back in in like… a week, or so. I think. That's what Marisa says, anyway."
Not on my watch! "Well, I'm gonna do some sequence breaking!" ...and speaking of, time to make my first legitimately possible request! "You've got a wig like Kaguya's to spare, yo?"
Alice furrows her brows. "What… exactly do you plan on doing?"
"Time resistance. It's a thing." I elaborate.
Nodding slowly, Alice walks into the house, letting me in. "Well, I'm not in possession of a lot right now, but I could quickly spiff up something for you… for a fee or favor, of course."
I swipe out the operating cross. "Can I put it on credit?"
Alice turns around and takes it. "...Hmph, sure. You can get this back in a day… or two. Any complaints or comments on it? Things I could improve?"
"More intelligent enemy tracking, following, and fancy tactics! Possibly varied projectiles, uhhh…" Naming things was hard, okay!?
She puts up her hand. "How much did you even use it?"
I shrug. "A lot, actually. It's saved my ass more than once!"
Looking pleasantly surprised, Alice hums happily. "Alright then… I'll make that wig for you."
A Kaguya doll floats out for reference, and Alice strokes her chin as she stares at it. A long band of faux hair is extended by two Shanghai dolls, and she carefully goes to work on it. Before long, a proper wig is made!
She turns to me. "The price or favor is a requirement because I only have so much of this stuff, you know. Plus, Keine's been getting increasingly on edge, recently. She even accused me of wrongdoing! I'm starting to get a little worried about her…"
Gee, I wonder. "Sounds peculiar!" Not like any of that was my fault!... although a good portion of it was her going insane trying to discipline me. Hmm.
Alice hands me a bald cap. "Lord knows you're going to need that with that… mess of yours."
I smirk, slipping the bald cap on, and then slipping the wig on over it. "...I am a pretty, pretty princess." I state plainly.
Smirking, she turned and began milling about with her dolls. I dunno what exactly she was doing though… "I assume you'll be off, then?"
I nod. "Oh, yeah, try and get a message to me when that doll's done yo, I could use the backup when rampa- I mean… taming Sakuya."
"I don't think that word choice is much better." she deadpans.
Hyonk!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Holding the Escape Plan, I run up the Hakurei Shrine steps furiously, making a constipated face. My legs move at mach 10 but I decide to go up every little step instead of climb two at a time like I usually do.
Reimu stares down at me, hearing my clackity approach. "I didn't know you were into working out, you shut-in you." Hmm?
I stare at Reimu and smile.
"...What's with that smile? Wait…" Reimu looks closer and notices whose face she's looking at. "Brad, what the fuck!?"
I smirk. "I am an imposter! Ooga booga booga!"
Facepalming, she sighs loudly. "I-I don't even…"
I frustratedly pulled down on Kaguya's top again, as if it were to suddenly comply and expand for me. Aaaugh! I had my pants up to my freakin ribs because of this itty bitty shirt! Kaguya, why are you like five feet tall instead of six!? I thought princesses were imposing or something!
...Were they? Sometimes, maybe…
"Did you just come here to show off your cross-dressing fetish or what?" Reimu got to the point!
I nod. "Tha- well, no, and I need time wards!"
Reimu furrows her brows. "Time wards?... I could make those… but what would you even use them for?"
I smirk. "Reasons."
"Not good enough. I'd have to bother to remember how to make those things, you know."
Sighing, I relent. "Alright yo, I need to beat up Sakuya to get back into the manor to get a reward from the resident mage for my hard work."
She stared at me blankly. "You're doomed. There's no chance."
Nodding, I rub my chin. "That I may be… but if I were to disable her primary gimmick, then I might stand some kind of a chance!"
"Resistance doesn't even work that way, I don't think. Byakuren may have said that thing about water… but you know…" she trails off, unsure.
I shrug. "Well, you can sue me if I die. I am in need of all the wardy wards!"
Reluctantly, the shrine maiden walks into the shrine, ready to make some paper wards for the elusive element of time. I had to wonder how you could make wards like those…
I walk in after her, and sit down at the kotatsu. If only I had a laptop, then I'd be like, the Kaguya Houraisan!... also I need a more feminine face… and I don't think Kaguya had blue eyes. Regardless, it can fool people at a glance!
I just realized I also had my sack around my waist like I usually have it… well, no more of that! I take the sack, and stuff it into the insides of my red skirt, stuffing it in one of Kaguya's many pockets. That's too many pockets!... and I liked it!
"Reimu~! I'm here to play, ze! Also, my house has nearly been fully returned to nature!" Hey, Marisa!
I turn to her, and smirk.
She raises a brow. "...You're a unique face to see at the shrine. What're you so giddy about, anyway?"
I shrug, shaking my head, still smirking.
"...You don't need to be so stuck-up, ze. I know I'm supposed to be a commoner and all, but at the very least you could reply!" Marisa stomps the floor in frustration.
I stand slowly and regally…
"Hmm? Kaguya, what're you…" Marisa trails off, awkwardly watching me get up.
I lift the wig. "I am an imposter from High Hrothgar! Don't tell the bunny people!"
Jumping back in surprise, she double-takes. "W-what!? I've been deceived and swindled!"
Reimu walks out with my time wards. "These things are weird. Even I don't really know how these are supposed to work but… apparently one of these exist for every element. They resist time, but can't slow aging or anything… just stops time spells from doing things. To an extent, mind you. There's space ones as well, and hell knows how those work…"
I smile. "Thanks, friend!"
Before I take them, Reimu holds up her hand. "But fi~rst you will need to make a generous donation for me to be able to make charms like these! They're not cheap you know…"
Freakin'... "Look, I'm freakin' broke right now!"
Marisa cuts in. "Yo, just let him borrow it for now, ze! He'll give it back when he's dead!"
I decide to build off that! "Which should be relatively soon!"
Reimu sighs. "Fine, fine, I get it… Just don't do anything stupid, okay?" She hands me the wards.
...I'm not certain where to put these! "Hmmm…"
"They stick to pretty much anything you slap them on. Magic's fun." she elaborates.
"Ah." I slap them onto the pants! "I am now the Mokou wannabe Kaguya!"
Marisa snorts. "So what exactly is this for…?"
"I've gotta beat up a maid, and I'm going to do it very carefully while dressed like Kaguya Houraisan!" I explain the everyday happening!
She nods skeptically. "...Right. Don't let me hold you back, ze."
I start to walk out of the shrine, and wave to the girls as I leave. "I'm off to start a war, yo! I'll be back if I need more things, and if I don't die!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Now, where to go… I've got the clothes, but now I need… perhaps better arms? I've got time, at any rate… and come to think of it, I've not really explored the lake thoroughly!
...Although, one had to wonder where the hell that battleship went when it sunk…
I was at the bottom of the Hakurei shrine steps, and I decided to take a right towards the misty lake. It was times like these I liked to just slow down, admire the scenery, and look at the sky…
...Deep breath…!
...Hah…
...Thunk!
I looked in the direction of the noise, noticing some ants clambering around a strange metallic object…
Nearby, I spotted Wriggle kneeling, watching the ants carry the…
That's the water blaster that guy had! Yo ho ho!
I walk up, and Wriggle stands up, shielding the ants. "Hey, I know what you're about to do! I'm not about to let you disturb these peaceful ants!"
Freakin'... "Can I have that metal, yo?" I ask.
"...You didn't say please." Wriggle pouted, glaring at me.
Son… "...Can I have that metal, yo, please?" I ask nicely.
"...No! The ants need it for a new colony!" She… or he… I couldn't tell, continued glaring at me.
That's it! Flame Di- no, calm down… "...I don't think the ants would appreciate a huge metallic object. Don't they make hills? Out of like, dirt?"
Wriggle nods. "These ones do… but I'm having them bring it to a local metal muncher colony. They need more food badly, and this would feed them for generations!"
…
"It's time to fumigate." I point Flame Dispenser at her.
"W-what does that mean?" Wriggle freezes, staring at me.
Fwoom!
"W-waa~h!" Wriggle flies away, wings and clothes burning.
I walk up to the ants, and pluck the water blaster away from them. It had straps and stuff, but they were all torn, presumably from the fight prior. I'll just stuff it into my sack for now…
The ants slowly crawl towards me, but I jump away. Don't make me burn you, too!
I get back onto the path, and Wriggle flies overhead, still burning. "Help! Somebody! Fire!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I reach the lake, and see a steampunk ship of sorts at the middle of the lake.
Oh, boy! I pull out my yin-yang flail-o-copter. Man, how long has it been since I used this? That freakin' weather put it out of commission for a while… but now I could afford to use it again!
I look around the lake, and seeing no one, I begin to spin it up…
...and lift off the floor, making for the steampunk mini-ship of sorts!
Nearing it, I look around the lake a little bit. Water always made me thirsty…
I slow the flail down within moments as I near the ship. I coulda trivialized the last ten sentences or so easily if I just had normal flight abilities!
I land!
Clank!
"Hello friends!" I exclaim.
"A-ah!" A surprised friend! A pair of blue eyes peek out from under a hatch on the deck. It's a cuddle bug…!
I lift the hatch and pluck out the person inside, hugging them.
"U-uhm… would you mind letting me go?" Nitori asks, uncomfortable with the grasp.
I let her go, and her eyes boggle as she gets a good look at me.
"H-houraisan? What are you doing out at the…"
Lifting the wig…
"...Okay, you got me. I'm not even gonna ask…" Nitori moves to climb back into her vessel…
"Hold up yo, I've got requests!" More imp- I mean, completely possible and mundane requests! This'll be my third and fourth!
"Yes?" Nitori eyes me curiously.
I take out Hydraulic and the water core. "Can I easily combine these?"
Nitori furrows her brows, then takes the two objects out of my hands. She smashes the two together briefly, then moves to get into her ship. "Be out in just a sec, gonna see what my tools inside can do."
Clamp! The hatch closed.
…
...So how 'bout them Gensokyian Fairies? Heard they won the big game last night… you know… the one…
Creeeaak. Why did so many hinges creak here? Did anyone know what oil was?
"Here you go!" Nitori tosses me Hydarulic, which now has the water core melded into one of the inner loops.
"Oh boy, oh boy!" I grin at my new weapon!
"I don't know what it does exactly, but it seems to meld well with the weapon!" Nitori cheerfully adds. "Where'd you find that, anyway? I'd like to see a few more of those…"
I shrug. "They came from those miniature water bombs from the last incident."
She nods her head in realization. "Ahh… I might not find them for some time, then. Thanks anyway, mister…"
I take out the water blaster. "...Any chance I could make this work in my favor? I dunno how to operate it, and I also need some new straps on it!"
Nitori takes the water blaster in both arms as I hand it off to her. It's almost as big as her! "I-I'll check it out… but it might take awhile. It's not as easy as melding a magic part to a magic part arbitrarily, you know. Well, actually, it usually is, but I need some time to get… acquainted with it. Could you come back later today? I won't be long, promise!"
All these freakin time constraints! "Alright, yo. See ya later, and thanks again!"
Nitori smiles. "No problem! Science is my middle name!... well, it'd be cool if it was, but…"
As she trailed off, I spun up my flail and took off to the skies!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I stood at the lakeside of Misty Lake, eager to test my new skills!
I stood in place punching the air, even though I don't appreciate hand-to-hand much here in Gensokyo… but I was pumped, yo! I was ready to slug a frik!
A sunflower fairy flew into view! Let's beat it the fuck up!
I pulled out Hydraulic, and readied it. I dunno if this'd go well…
"Hey, you! Fairy face! I'm gonna kick your ass!"
The generic, blond-haired fairy's gaze locked on mine. She briefly froze in surprise, then grinned. A yellow orb began charging in the middle of the sunflower, so I began strafing. I was in luck, because she shot a laser which didn't do any tracking!
I pocket my paper time wards; I don't think I needed those exposed to the elements, being paper and all. Into the sack they go until I try my luck with Sakuya!
Chuuu! Another laser slowly shoots towards me as I strafe lazily, fiddling with my pockets.
"Stand still and let me hit you, lady!" Sunflowers always make me wanna stick my face in them and freakin destroy them, yo. They were cuddly.
"Yo ho ho!" I twirled the valve to max, and Hydraulic went full-blast! Kaguya's clothes'd get soggy, but I didn't particularly care. They'd dry!
The sunflower fairy stares at my soggy state and giggles. "You're funny, lady!" Lady? Yo, my voice… do you not have ears!?
Freakin'... I swing Hydraulic, and water splashes all over the nearby grass. I used Splash!... it wasn't very effective!
"Hee hee!" Chuu!... yo, that laser's not hittin' me any time soon…
"Come here and say that to my face, tough fairy!" I called out to her.
She floated closer. "Okay, lady! Have it your way!" She smirked, as if she had gotten an advantage. The laser charged again…
...Well, I had to actually do a dodge-ish motion because it was close, but…
Now!
I swung Hydraulic, but the sunflower fairy jerked herself back in time, managing to only get splashed instead of struck.
"K-Kyaa~h! My clothes…!" She disdainfully looked down at her newly wetted clothes.
I was frustrated I didn't get a hit! "Freakin' noobs!" ...This water core seemed to not do anything! Did it have a spell now, or something? Was it passive like striking? Waahhh…!
Chuu! I dodged the laser-
Chuu!
I felt that one graze my pretty princess locks! Not cool!
The sunflower fairy glared at me, and I channeled magic into the Hydraulic. Hopefully I'm not just wasting mana…!
I swung.
Fwuuuush!
"Kyaaaa~h!"
A small geyser of water erupted from the earth, water shooting the sunflower fairy into the air. In her surprise, she let go of her sunflower, which flew away from her.
Dayum! Not entirely cost-effective, but it's probably the closest thing I have to a real spell! Provided, the geyser was only like five feet tall, but still. It was freakin' cool!
"T-that was mean, surprising me like that…!" The fairy glared at me with tear filled eyes.
"What did you expect? I am, afterall, Kaguya Houraisan, the lunarian princess!" I exclaim, smirking arrogantly.
She froze. "W-w-what!? You're… oh, no! D-don't hurt me!" The cute little sunflower fairy took off, leaving behind her little sunflower.
...I walked up to it, and picked it up. It was probably magical, or something. "Loot drop get!"
...I now realize just how much I need actual spells and things that aren't weapon abilities! Although those kinds'a roots are hard to get away from; making use of tools is what us humans do the best…
...Did Kaguya really have that much of a reputation? I know she's a lunarian princess, but… hmm…
It'd be fun using it to go around abusing local wildlife who can't tell the difference between a man and a woman's voice!... which was probably only sunflower fairies and other assorted hooligans.
In retrospect, I probably could have said I was anyone and gotten relatively the same effect...
By now it was roughly mid day! Hmmm… I double back towards the forest of magic; I wonder if I could buy anything to upgrade my stuffs…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I stand in front of the Kourindou, now realizing just how much of a greedy power-seeking bastard I've become!...
...although let's be honest, when everyone around you's a cut above you, you kinda gotta do whatcha gotta do, yo…
I walk inside, and am un-noticed so far by Rinnosuke! Hyonk!
I carefully and daintily step up to a shelf, and cautiously handle the items… Oh yeah, there was that fuel tank for sale, and also that holy ward thing…
"Can I help you, miss… Houraisan, was it? Hmm… I never thought I'd see a face like yours around here. I've heard much about you, however." Rinnosuke has noticed me!
I turn around. "Hey, stud. Fancy a picnic?"
"..."
I grin widely.
...Rinnosuke picks up his book again and acts like the exchange never happened.
As much as I could use that holy ward or that fuel tank… "Hey, do you have any favors you need doing?"
"No. Not at this moment. Actually, I do have one, and it's that you calmly leave my store and return with appropriate attire." He didn't even look up from his book!
I put my hands up defensively. "Alright, yo, alright, geez!"
I walk out of the Kourindou. That was a hoot!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...How do use sunflower as crafting material!?
I held it in my hands- it was surprisingly resistant to damage for what it was. It even recovered when I bent it a bit! There was no way I was going to Yuuka. She'd probably kill me for having a plucked sunflower on my person…
I was walking back towards the human village, when I thought of a place not yet really explored…
Let us visit the buddhists!
...Speaking of, I was near the human village already. I decide to scope around the outside until I see something like what I'm looking for, and it's the unexplored north-western outer edge of the village that hosts the Myouren Temple, sitting upon a hill outside the walls of it.
More stairs of impending pain! Why must religious sanctums tortur- oh right…
I pull out my yin-yang flail. Take that, stairs!
Like that, I float up the staircase and upon reaching the top, touch down on the stone path way.
Before me I see Stormy and that… girl. The green haired one that sweeps the front all the time? Yeah, that green-haired girl. I didn't remember her name, nor did I think I ever bothered to learn it! Sorry!
"...Why the hell am I sweeping this path anyway? It's already clean!" Stormy protested his new occupation!
"Relax. If Hijiri-san told you to come out here and sweep with me, it must be for good reason. Why don't you just relax and enjoy nature…?" the green-haired girl proposed, calmly sweeping with him.
He scoffed. "Nature? Nature!? Screw nature! I'd rather be at work in a processing plant!"
The girl sighed.
I walked up. "Hehehehyonk!"
Her eyes jerked to me. "W-what… Houraisan? No… your face is wrong."
Stormy snorted. "Become a full-time crossdresser now, or what?"
I nod. "Yup. I'm a very pretty princess, and I like to kiss all the boys."
I received a chuckle!... and quickly he glared at me. "How am I supposed to make fun of you if you just roll with all my jeers!?"
"That's probably the point…" added the green-haired girl. Freakin', what was her name…!?
"You, friend! What's your name?" I abruptly request.
"A-ah? Um… Kyouko." She stuttered, not expecting my attention to shift to her.
"Fine name. You'll make a trusty steed! Onward, we ride!" I run off without her before she processes what I just said.
"Uhm… okay? Wait, what!?" There we go!
Stormy blankly watches me leave, and slowly turns to Kyouko. "...That man is a raging psychopath!"
Kyouko looks at him. "You're no better, mister 'processing plants are better than nature'."
He turns back to his broom, and continues sweeping. "Aahhh, shut up…"
She smiled back.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
On my way in, I pass a brown-haired woman with glasses who pauses and stares at me. "H-Houraisan? What brings you here?"
I turn to her and give a thumbs-up. "I came for a happy meal, with a side of freakin' Buddhism!"
Mamizou's jaw dropped. "...I don't know if I've reached enlightenment or if I've reached sleep deprivation. Maybe both."
I continued past her, walking forward into the temple. Wasn't this place a ship not too long ago…?
I pass Nazrin, who stops to look at me, before minding her own business, not noticing I'm not actually the lunar princess.
I keep going until eventually I find Byakuren chastising the resident nue about something or another.
"Look, I know that man is testing at times, but you must not bring harm upon him for simple attitude issues…" Byakuren sighs.
I walk up, smiling.
"Oh, I didn't see you there… miss Houraisan?" Byakuren double-takes… before noticing my face.
Heheheh… "Is this what it means to be enlightened?" I ask Byakuren with a giddy expression.
Nue's jaw drops. "What the hell…?"
Byakuren sports a heavily conflicted look on her face, before she closes her eyes, sighing again. "Today will be a trying day, I'm sure…"
I take out the sunflower, then I take out Quake Maker. "How do use sunflower as crafting material?" I ask.
Byakuren takes the sunflower and the hanger hammer, and ties the sunflower around the hilt. She holds it into the air, and the shaft glows brightly, the base of the sunflower merging with the shaft.
Handing it back to me, she stares at me with that 'you need to be put on a psyche ward' expression. "There. I'm not even going to ask why you're wearing that… costume, but… please, practice a little discretion... "
No can do! "Nope! Who needs discretion this day and age? Not me, I hate it actually! It's one weird trick! Lunar princesses hate it!" I finish, smiling widely, trying to make Byakuren feel awkward.
...I think it's working! "...Nue, just… let's just go. Are you done here… I-I don't actually know your name, so… Houraisan?" She was actually blushing, for some strange reason!?
I was having a freakin' giggle at how uncomfortable Byakuren was getting! "Why's that, yo? Dude, lunar cycles! Behold the jeweled branch of Hourai!" I pulled out that stick I had attached to that one boot flail back in chapter one. You know that one…!
"...I-I…" Byakuren was uncharacteristically lost for words!
Nue gave her a funny look. "...I've never see you act like this before."
For whatever reason, she looked really flustered and frazzled! "I dunno yo, maybe she's-"
Suddenly, I get grappled into a bear hug by Byakuren! "Woaah!" She presses her face deep into my chest, and breathes deeply.
"W-what the…" I don't even know what to make of this anymore!
"B-Byakuren! What the hell!?" Nue runs up to pry us apart, but Byakuren's too strong! I'm going to be kidnapped by a crazed buddhist! Oh, shit!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Byakuren and I both sat shamefully in front of a statue of the Buddha.
"...Forgive me, for I have sinned…" She bows before it, a crestfallen look on her face.
...While Byakuren wasn't looking, I gave the statue the middle finger. Nue nearly guffawed, but struggled to hold it in.
She sits up, and I retract my middle finger. She turns to me, looking apologetic. "I… think you should change out of that, or leave. I'm sorry, it's not your fault… it's mine."
I nod awkwardly. "Right…"
I get up and begin to leave the temple, eager to test out what that flower might do to help my Quake Maker!... oh, right! Now that I thought about it, I need a new name for the two upgraded hangers, don't I?
Hydraulic will be called… Deep Blue!
Quake Maker will be called… Quake Bloomer!... 'cause it has a pretty lil flower on it!
I walk past Stormy and Kyouko on my way out…
"Had enough buddhism for one day?" Stormy asks, grinning. "You weren't in there for very long, you know…"
I shrug. "Yo, I've got places to go, people to see, asses to kick! I must explore strange new lands and strange new babes!"
Kyouko chuckles. "Pffft… I bet you can't even fight. You're just some Kaguya fanboy, aren't you?"
I hold Quake Bloomer offensively. "Yo ho ho. Time to test my new upgrade!"
She rolls her eyes. "I bet it's nothing."
"You'd probably be right!" I agreed, because when have I ever gotten something spectacular? Aside from that mini geyser, that is…
I channel magic into Quake Bloomer, and I'm aware of two distinct options… and one is far cheaper than the typical buff, so I'll use that! I slam the shaft of Quake Bloomer into the ground, and a magic circle is made around Kyouko.
"U-uhm…" She starts to look a little unsure about her previous decision.
The magic circle looked similar to those the Mighty Oak used back at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, but smaller. Also, I only made one of them…
Fwoo…
The magic seemingly sighed from the circle as hazy magic particles surrounded Kyouko. She wobbled a bit, her balance seemingly lost, and her eyes fluttered for a moment, but she stayed standing.
She yawned. "I-I'm suddenly feeling really tired… and good. That was… actually pretty nice. Huh." She slowly sweeped the floor, smiling to herself.
Hmm… it didn't knock people out, but it made them tired! That'd be helpful!
Lastly… I'd probably need more than two mana potions if I were to challenge Sakuya, but seeing as it's getting a little late in the day, I might just go crash somewhere convenient…
"...Would you mind using that on me, too?" Stormy requested, staring at me vainly. "I wanna sleep. For good."
I grin. "Sure."
Channeling magics…!
Fwoo…
"A-aahh… fuck! It feels like nature!" He began itching his skin like he had a really bad rash. "It stinks! It sti~nks!"
Kyouko wistfully looks towards him. "...I think you're, like, overreacting…"
Happy with the outcome, I march off into the sunset before me…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
In the dead of night I arrive at the Hakurei Shrine, and decide to investigate the interesting dirt-caked rafters underneath it. At the very least, they weren't caked in wet mud anymore!
After a little bit of crawling, I quickly find a drunken oni passed out under the porch. Now I know it's a good sleeping spot! I try to scoot Suika out of the way, but uh… she's a little heavier than at first anticipated!
...By that I mean I can't move her at all. Guess I'll sleep vaguely near her, then!
Aaahh… dirt. Dirt naps, yo. I've gone from carpets, to wood planks, to rafts, to stands… to dirt. Next thing you know, I'll be freakin dead! How's that for a good night's sleep!?... okay I've tuckered myself out now…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walked up to a little sunflower field, and fluffles were stuffing their faces inside of a few of them. Aww!
I picked up one of the fluffles, and it had a hole instead of a face, and then it attacked me with a vicious lunge of its face. Oh, shi-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Hawagh!
Good morning, Gensokyo!
I rolled over and got a face full of dirt. Please, no…
I rolled over the other way, and found a drunk Suika. She was up, and chugging!... did she ever get hang overs?
"Gfaahh… Mornin'..." Suika greeted me. "Fancy meeting you here, Kaguya. Mokou take over the manor or somethin'? If she did, you've got no excuses… but I'm sure Reimu'd let you sta~y!"
...Ah, right. Kaguya disguise… and Suika's kinda hammered. Like usual.
"...Suika, do I sound like a woman?" I ask. If this doesn't tip her off…
"...No, you sound like you had ten gallons of pure A, except without the slur! G'fahahahah!" Suika laughed for a good moment, before calming down. "...So, what rea~lly happened? Mokou make a harem outta your servants or what?"
I don't even wanna know. "Nah, I got sent here because I'm doing five impossible requests for Mokou. It's a bedroom game, you see." ...and the bedroom is all of Gensokyo!
"...Ahh~! Kinky, kinky, kinky! So… when's the sex!?" Suika blurts out with blatant disdain for tactical wording!
"What's going on out here…?" Reimu walks out onto the front porch, rubbing her eyes.
"Kaguya's getting it from behind from Mokou! Come check i~t out!" Suika slurred, excited.
Reimu shot awake instantly. "W-what!? N-no… I don't even hear anything…"
...Curiosity and interest get the better of the Hakurei miko, and she checks under the porch, finding me there instead. She doesn't see my face though… but she knows it's probably me, considering where I am, and considering the following sentence.
"...Brad, did you really have nowhere else to go for the night?" she asked skeptically.
I shake my head. "Nope! I dunno yo, it's ironically warm down here…" It really was, too. No wonder Suika crashed down under here…
She moved away from the porch, sighing. She then re-entered the shrine, not bothering to talk with me any further.
"...Maauuuu…"
...And when did she get there!?
I rolled back over, and instead of rolling far enough to eat dirt, I find Ha-chan between me and one of the porch rafter beam things.
Who put her there!?
Her eyes flutter open, and upon seeing me, she instinctively embraces me despite my appearance. What good is a disguise if everyone knows who you are!?
Suika laughs rambunctiously at the sight. "Kaguya, Kaguya, Kaguya! I didn't think you got it on with the local fairies either~!...You're more of a party person than I thought!"
I very carefully struggle to climb out from under the Hakurei porch, all the while being teased by a hammered oni and glomped by a fairy maid. I eventually make it out with Ha-chan clinging to my back, and I collapse on the grass, sprawled out.
"That's it, back to bed! Good night world!" I exclaim from the floor, giving up. I'm too tired for this shieeeuut!
"No! You've got to get up!" Ha-chan tugs at the back of my pretty pink and white collar.
I try to turn my head as much as I can to see her. "Well, if you got off my back, that'd be swell!"
"...O-oh, sorry…" Ha-chan slid off my back, some limbs still sprawled on me for whatever reason.
I shift into a kneeling position. "Come, child. Tell Houraisan of all your woes. I shall swing my Not-Jeweled Branch of Hourai at you, and amaze you back into health!" I take out that stick again and swing it around.
Ha-chan snorts, but quickly gets serious again. "Brad, it's the chief! She's become a complete slave driver!"
"...What, you mean she wasn't already?" ...because I'm pretty sure she was already.
Ha-chan brings her hands to my chest. I'd say bad touch, but you're cuddly, so you get a free pass! "They're organizing the fairies into camps… Me and a few others even got fired for disobedience!"
I jerk my head back in surprise. "Won't all the fairies just rebel or something?"
She looks unsure. "I-I thought they would, they said they were with us, but… the things she promised them, the chief I mean… We're uh, not very smart, as you might realize…" Ha-chan trailed off.
I nod in acknowledgement. "Ah, bribed most of you, she did… I mean, I wanna beat her the fuck up for kicking me out, but the fairy regiment business… ain't necessarily my business!"
Ha-chan shrugged. "I think if you beat her up you'll accomplish both in the p- what am I saying!? You're going to do what!? She's the chief, Brad! The chief! Chief!" She suddenly panicked!
Suika laid a powerful hand upon both our shoulders. "Aaahh, Kaguya can take 'most anything… and who's this Brad fellow? You gettin' a sex change, Kaguya?...I s'pose that's why you sound like you downed ten tankers of the ol' pure A…"
...That hand hurts, by the way!
"...Actually, the Kaguya I knew was a spineless, aristocratic peice of shi-hehehe~h… but you seem a little more down-to-Earth now!" Suika exclaims after a careful moment of contemplation.
We let Suika think for a little too long, I feel. "...Or a little more down-to-Luna, if you know what I'm sayin', hahahah~!"
Ha-chan looks at me with a very desperate look.
Actually… "Hey, Suika… mind sharing where I might find some... " Well, for one thing, I doubt she'd know where to find time resistance, so uh… "Time resistant stuff?" I asked anyway!
Suika gives me a curious look. "...Oooh~! Getting kinkier, are we? There's probably random artifacts and crap underground… but I'm too lazy to go investi-ma-gate that… You could talk to Kag- oh, wait, that's you… Uhhh…" She puts a hand to her chin, trailing off.
I put a hand up. "Don't hurt yourself, friend." Actually, better plan. I stood up!
"I'm gonna go get even more time wards!" I exclaim, making for the shrine's interior.
I slide the door open and step in, and Reimu's already there waiting for me. "I heard you, and no, it doesn't work that way. Past five wards and everything goes to shit, typically."
Freakin'... "Figures as much…"
I turned to find Ha-chan practically breathing down my shoulder. "T-the chief has those scary refitted maids, too…!"
...Sceeaaary!
"What's Remilia think of this?" I ask. It was a good question!
Ha-chan grimaces. "She thought you just kinda ran off… and the chief kinda validated that claim."
That kinda figures! "Anyone else think I abandoned station?"
She nodded. "Meiling, Patchouli, the little mistress…"
Eheh… wait, didn't I usually run off anyway? The only one who should really be pissed is Patchouli...
"She's also pushing to get the little mistress off of kool-aid. She says it's unhealthy, and high in sugar..." Ha-chan added.
Wait…
WHAT
I whirl to Ha-chan, and grab her by the shoulders. "...She said what!?"
"U-Uhm… she's going to try and get the litt- waah!" Ha-chan wailed as I pushed her away and pumped my arms.
"Oohh, that bitch is going to pay!" I roar, getting angry! Raaahhh!
Reimu backs away as I get down with my angrier self!... and then a gohei slams down on my head.
Thwack!
Oof…
I slouch. "Pain…"
Reimu scowls at me. "Getting angry won't help anybody. If you want to have any hope of taking on the maid, you're going to need strategy, and probably numbers."
Ha-chan raised her arm. "Ooo, ooo, ooo!...ooo!"
Sighing, Reimu turned to Ha-chan. "...Yes?"
Engaging hyperdrive! Stars in her eyes, she elaborates. "We could take all the sugar dumplings in the mansion, and-and-"
"I'm sorry I let you speak." Reimu concluded her thought.
"Aauuu…" Ha-chan pouted.
"We're sorry we let her speak, too."
It's Komi and her chucklefucks! They've all got sticks with the white bags with the little red splotches on them!
Koi looked at us. "...This whole 'run away and work it out later' thing, uh… isn't working out."
Namori looked strangely cross at something. "Sunflower fairies suck…"
I shrug. "I dunno, I like to cuddle with the sunflowers. They're broad and sniffable."
The fairies nod in agreement…
"Wait, how would you know that!?" Komi demands.
"I'm fluffy." I elaborate.
"...I see." Her rage was quelled…
Reimu starts to shut the door, urging me outside. "I'm closed for the day unless you pay a subscription to the Hakurei Shrine. Your trial time is up, get out."
I'm pushed out, and she shuts the shrine door.
"...Also, good luck out there." I hear Reimu state from behind the door, before her footsteps made her approach upon the kotatsu audible.
I begin for the stairs. "Follow me, friends!"
Our siege upon the Scarlet Devil Manor begins now!
====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====
END OF CHAPTER 14
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
PARTY:
Komi, the Darkness-Elemental Fairy Maid - Commanding and bossy, she's the leader of the trio of chucklefucks who work at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Held minor command over others at one point, but since the resolution of a certain incident she seems to be just another one of the many. Has long black hair, but her face looks more snide and domineering.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Dark danmaku that circles around an opponent. Useless if they don't move, but good as support.
Koi, the Explosion-Elemental Fairy Maid - Perverse and playful, she's one of those who still are loyal to Komi. Still notably perverted post-incident. Speculation says she was born because Flandre made one too many things go 'kyuu', and thus the precedence of explosions caused a fairy of the corresponding setting element to appear. Orange hair… looks like Sunny Milk in a way, but taller, and a bit bubbly in a different way...
PRIMARY WEAPON: Slow streams of exploding danmaku bullets, which have scarce danmaku shrapnel. Might aswell be support due to the speed…
Namori, the Water-Elemental Fairy Maid - Shy and timid, she's one of those who are still loyal to Komi. Bold when she feels like it, but is usually just too shy to stand on her own. Blue hair and a face that screams 'loli'! Shorter than her comrades.
PRIMARY WEAPON: A single, pale blue beam which sticks around for awhile. Short in range, but acts as good area denial if used right. Vaguely water elemental. Another support ability…
Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can fire small spreads of cyan orbs, and apparently specializes in electrical magics, although her ineptitude in combat abilities doesn't show it most of the time. Probably ranks around the same as the other fairy maids. Timid, but cute!
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
woohoo!
finally got some upgrades, yo
it took time and resources, but i found good stuffs!
pretty sure everyone knows what "rumia's GREAT SWORDS" alludes to… but that wont come for QUITE SOME TIME…
being a human makes me realize just how much humans have to rely on tools, because learning magic is hard and there's not alot else i can do to expand my THIRST FOR BLOOD AND THUNDER without upgrading materialistic tools
no london for the upcoming fight! i don't think london'd be necessary, but rest assured i'll find ways to keep my other allies busy…
in any case, sakuya's not fighting alone either, yo; this is gonna be a trial of ARMIES and WITS…
i dont have the victor planned, and i dunno how GAIA SEED and GEYSER are supposed to save me from twirly knife shenanigans but those are what im countin' on… also, that water blaster nitori has for me will be used aswell, but it only gets a remote few useful skills for right now.
not gonna list them here 'cause SPOOLERS. HYONK.
SPELLS MY GUY CURRENTLY KNOWS:
Fireball
Waterball (in theory)
Fire Stream
Water Stream
Temper (attack buff from quake bloomer)
Gaia Seed (that small earth spell)
Geyser
Flamethrower (flame dispenser's move)
Water… just water (deep blue's enchantment)
as always, see you all next time!... which, as almost always, is gonna be a few seconds after this author's note!
