(by the way welcome back to MATT'S PERSPECTIVE yo)
I sat at the kitchen table. It was an incredibly dull and mind-numbing experience.
Youmu sat across from me, mixing batter in a bowl… just as she had been doing for the past twenty minutes or so.
…
"batter batter batter batter!" That fluffle sat on the table, still bound, but able to hop around in its loaf-like state.
Youmu glanced up at it before resuming her previous activity.
…
"batter batter batter batter!" It really liked batter.
Again, Youmu glanced at it, and then continued.
…
"batter!" The fluffle leapt from the table and into the bowl as Youmu was stirring it.
"..." She took out the beater and sat it down on the counter, then decided to just stare at the fluffle as it happily sat in the batter. Then, she carefully lifted it out, and placed it back on the table, and picked up the beater again. Like so, she resumed mixing it.
"Lady Yuyuko will never know, nope…" she muttered to herself.
Suddenly, Yuyuko entered the room! "Hello, everyone!"
"Guh-whah!?" Youmu suddenly shot up from the counter and sent the bowl spinning across it as she tore the beater from it. The fluffle was mesmerized by the movement of the bowl, hopping after it.
...I forgot why I even brought that thing with me.
"The weather down in Gensokyo has cleared up, and supplies are running low here!" Yuyuko exclaimed, opening a kitchen cabinet full of snacks. She turned to it, and shut it quickly, opening the mostly barren one right next to it. "...see?"
"Yes, quite. Have fun getting more. Good night." I quickly state before slamming my head onto the table.
Yuyuko pouts at me, before turning to Youmu. "I need more snacks!"
Youmu looks at her somewhat frantically. "I'm already baking you a cake, Yuyuko-sama! It'll be just…"
When she turned to face the bowl, she found that the fluffle flipped it over and was covered in the batter, and most of it was spread across the table.
"im soft" it emphasized.
Youmu's expression fell. "...Nevermind, Yuyuko-sama. The cake never existed. Forget I said anything…"
Yuyuko smiled. "Great! That means you can do some shopping~!"
Youmu furrowed her brows. "R-really, Yuyuko-sama? I mean, I just went shopping for you the other day…"
Pouting, Yuyuko came up close to Youmu. "Ohh, no! Youmu refuses to feed me! Whatever shall I do?..."
"Ah, eh, well…" Youmu fidgeted nervously, unsure of how to respond. "...A-alright! We'll get your snacks!"
Wait, we?
"Oh, great!" Yuyuko cheered, pulling in Youmu for a hug. "I knew I could count on you, Youmu-chan!"
"Y-Yuyuko-sama, please…!"
I raise my head from the table. "Have my ears deceived me or did I hear someone say the word 'we'?" Perhaps my finest chance for escape has just revealed itself!
"Oh, that is indee~d what you heard…" cooed Yukari from a gap, somewhere. She then appeared from under the table, popping out at the opposite side.
This gaping bitch again. Just what I needed…
"Hi~ Yukarin… Is there anything wrong with that request?" Yuyuko smiled in a carefree manner.
Yukari waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, nothing… it's just that I need to put some… precautions in place. Think of it as my own personal… emergency brakes, as it were."
In one fluid motion, she brought out some sort of device from parts unknown beneath the table, and tossed it to Youmu, who scrambled but caught it competently enough.
"Youmu." Yukari locked eyes with her. "That is a device for the explicit use of tracking. It can reveal the location of what it tracks anywhere in Gensokyo. I'm sure you know what I'm referring to, so I needn't say more."
Well that sounded ominously foreboding.
Youmu puts on a brave face. "W-what if I don't feel like using it?"
Yukari's eyes narrow. "I'm sure you'll need to use it."
Yuyuko's smile doesn't falter in the least. "It sure sounds pretty important… I'd do what you need to do, at the very least."
Knowing better than to push forward, Youmu sighed. "Okay…"
I have a pretty good suspicion of what they're talking about; but then again, I'd have to be a complete imbecile to not catch it.
Yukari turned to me. "Have fun, you~! Don't get too wasted out in the village, now!..." She proceeded to lean in towards me. "...and don't do anything that requires… intervention. It would be messy, I assure you."
I smile and wave my hand dismissively. "Ahhh... don't worry about it, I'm as harmless as a snug bug in a rug."
The batter-covered fluffle closed in behind me. "snug bugs!"
Fuck that thing in particular. I grab it and stuff it into the bag again, where it belongs.
Youmu began for the door. "Well… I guess I'll be- wah!" She opened the door, and stepped straight out into gap space.
Yukari looks to me and smiles.
…
"Well?" she asks.
"...Guess I will as well. I'll make sure to bring back souvenirs!" I march towards the gap door, ready for the inevitably disastrous shopping excursion.
I walk towards the gap, "By the way, fuck you!" then dive in.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I land face-down in some dirt. Climbing up, I find myself in the human village, Youmu ahead of me, apparently waiting for me. It also happened to be the dead of night. Great timing, Yuyuko...
She examines the strange device Yukari gave her. "Hmmm…" The lights on the screen update slowly, but it seems like a crude map of Gensokyo… with two dots; one being white, and the other being red. It looked awfully like a radar… which it probably was.
"I'll figure this thing out later…" Youmu decides, pocketing the radar device.
We walk down the city streets, and enter one of the many restaurants along the side of dirt road.
Inside, we're greeted by a very Italian man.
"One-a-two-a-three, it's-a the chance of-a lifetime!" He spun a wheel as we entered, and it eventually landed on a spot that said "Chance Item".
"Here-a you go!" He takes out a giant hammer. It has a wooden shaft and a giant black cylinder for somatic business inquiries that is about as big as half of me. He drops it on the floor, where it thoroughly embeds itself. I try lifting it, but that proved completely ineffectual.
"Here…" Youmu tried her hand at it, and she only managed to make it budge a bit, failing to pick it up.
"friend, im here!" calls out the fluffle from the bag.
I stare at the bag.
"friend! friend!"
Egh… "What the hell do you want!?"
"culture" it responds with rigorous intent.
"You'll be seeing the culture of Hell soon enough..." I seethed, glaring into the bag.
Youmu stared at it. "I think it wants to try to lift the hammer…"
I stared at her blankly. "You must be joking. It's fluffy."
She walked up to the bag, and took the batter-covered fluffle out, and sat it on the hammer. It smiled.
"im soft"
Meanwhile, the Italian man's jaw dropped. "O-oh, I-a didn't-a realize you were-a family, yes?"
Youmu blinked. "W-what? No, you see…"
I decided to take the following opportunity for multiple reasons… although it was mostly for personal satisfaction. I wrapped my arm around Youmu's shoulder and smiled at the storekeeper. "Yes, one big happy family! This is my wife, Nana; I'm Popo; and this is our lovably retarded son, Gustavus Adolphus!"
The fluffle smiled widely. "gusty adoofs!" It tried, I guess.
The Italian storekeep nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, I-a see! You get, bulk. Big family-a discount!"
He pulls a string, and suddenly a cornucopia of food falls from above, complete with a vastly oversized turkey and a fruit hat for the fluffle.
"U-um…" Youmu doesn't know exactly what to think of this situation.
I point at the fluffle. "See, You- I mean, Nana? It- he, I meant he… he has your eyes, even!"
It stared at us, one eye blinking out of sync with the other.
Youmu sighed. "I think uh… I think we should get out of here." She bended over and lifted an armful of the food, and we walked out. I made sure to grab the fluffle as we left- lovably retarded son and all.
"Come-a back any time for special super-a family fill up meal!" the man called to us as we left, not even bothering to charge us, probably not even thinking about it.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
Youmu and I were walking down the road to the nearest inn, when two official-looking guards passed us.
One of them paused at the armful of food Youmu was carrying, and came to talk with us. "Hey, where'd you get all that food from?"
I intervened. "Shop down the road. Family discounts, as they called it."
The other guard's head jerked to look at me, and he came up to us aswell. "...Is that so? What did the shop look like? Was it run by a man with a… strange accent?"
I shrug. "Yes. Why exactly do you…"
Before I could finish my sentence, the guards were on their way. "Thanks." was all that came from one of them as they ran off, unsheathing their swords and running in the direction of the store. Peculiar.
… Youmu and I continued down the road to the nearest inn, acting like that never happened.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I had to ask Youmu if she knew of any candy shops in the village…
We both sat in the inn bedroom at our individual beds, eating some apples in the relative silence that was only broken by the fluffle coos of Gustavus Adolphus the retarded fluffle as it tried to chew on that fruit hat it got from the Italian storekeeper. It was having… marginal success.
I looked over to it to see it having disassembled most of the hat and only managing to eat half a banana. It was having a blast doing it, though. Like a good puzzle, or riddle. Except this was eating, which was supposed to be a basic life process.
The fluffle eventually gave up and started violently rolling in the food, causing Youmu to turn and stare at it.
No moment like the present… "Say, Youmu…"
She looks up at me, vaguely surprised. "Hmm?"
"Do you know of any candy shops in the village?"
She pauses, then shakes her head. "Not particularly."
I shrug. "I suppose I shall just look around, then."
"Alright." Youmu returns to eating her apple, and I walk out the door.
...Youmu suddenly realized something! "Oh, wait!"
She runs to the door and opens it, only to find I was gone.
"...I was supposed to keep an eye on him, wasn't I?..."
The device in her pocket began beeping.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I walked around the village. Obviously, a candy shop wouldn't just be labeled as such… if there were even any present. Surely…
I paused outside of a big, colorful building that read "Candy" over it with a large, pink neon light. Above it was a neon-yellow light, reading "Golden Grin Casino".
… I don't think that place sold the kind of candy I was looking for.
I continued, passing numerous generic buildings with the most indicative features about them being the occasional sign that happened to be descriptive… but most of the time, it wasn't.
...Also, it was still the middle of the evening, so I think that contributed to the whole "nothing being open" thing. Hmmm…
...I approached a lit house, and walked around the back. I don't know, maybe they had some candy to steal, or something. Money, at the very least.
I walked in through the back door, which was suspiciously open, causing my instincts to already be alert, when suddenly I smelled something that caught my attention…
There was, infact, candy in this very household! I hastily made my way into the house and, rounding the door, I slipped my hand into my scissor pocket and turned to find…
...Sekibanki sitting in her main room with a bowl of peppermint candies. My shoulders slouch. "Oh. You, again."
...We stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments, before she breaks the ice. "...Killing again, or just looting?"
"Looting." I grumble, folding my arms.
"Haven't you the money from before?" She raises a brow.
"All the candy stores are closed." I flatly state.
For a few moments, neither of us trade interactions, before Sekibanki speaks up again.
"...Let me get this straight… you were breaking into people's houses for candy."
"I required the sugary nourishment for my well-being." I confidently lock eyes with her.
"...Sit down. You can stay the night."
That works, I suppose. Suddenly… footsteps from behind me urge me to whirl around. I do so, and I find myself face-to-face…
"Oh. Joy."
...with a raging barbarian.
"Heheey, son! Let's get fluffy…" Brad begins to casually walk towards me in… a woman's dress? What the hell...
"...What the fuck are you wearing?" Were it not for the face, the complete lack of breasts, and the insufferable voice, I might have actually mistaken him for a woman. Also, that shirt hardly fits him.
"Son, I found my inner gender-fluidity! I'm an attack helicopter now!" he exclaims with glee.
"We don't need to resume last time's… discussion... do we?" I dip my hands into my scissor pockets…
He shrugs. "I dunno, son. I've been to fluffy places, and fluffy spaces. I've also seen fluffy faces."
I glare at him with hostility. "You're going to have a fluffy face in a moment."
Laughing, he sits down at the table. "So… what're we havin' for dinner here, peppermints? Mmmm-mmm-mmm! Does a body good!" He rubs his stomach to illustrate his point.
Sekibanki grins. "Well, I was having a late night snack, you see…"
Brad takes one of the peppermints, and sets it down on the table. "Yo, I can eat it up like a pistachio!"
He reached into that sack of his and pulled out what I assumed was the Quake Maker, and held it lightly over the peppermint.
"Yo." he then tapped the peppermint with it, and it exploded into shrapnel, flying across the room. Dust from it was left on the table, along with some crumbs.
...He sheepishly grinned at us. "Rest in pieces, friend."
Sekibanki gave him a concerned stare. "Why?"
He threw his arms up exaggeratedly. "I dunno, Seki baby! I dunno! Somethin's wrong with me, every time I see a man's skull yo, I just gotta, like- boom! Smash it, yo! Doc, c'mon man!"
…
"...Alright. Sure." Sekibanki sighed, shaking her head.
I shook my head, as well. That peppermint went to waste! Speaking of peppermints…
I reached for the bowl, but Sekibanki moved it away with her arm. "No. Mine."
...It's on, now.
I try to reach around her, but she spins around and hugs the bowl. "No."
Seriously?
I back off a bit so she eases off it, then slide around her and try to pry it from her grasp, only to have her stomp on my foot slightly. Sneakers helped, I'll say.
I backed off, putting my hands up. "Fine. You win. I admit defeat..."
She smirked at me. "Good."
… I reached into my pocket and took out my pretty pink scissors. I wait for her to set the bowl down on the counter, but Brad eyes me as I do this, grinning.
"Fox! Are you seriously going to listen to that old monkey!?" Brad suddenly stands up and yells, causing Sekibanki to jump back in surprise.
Now! I tossed my scissorang around the bowl, and drew it back to me. The wire snugly wrapped around the bowl as it returned to me, a few peppermints flying out. Their sacrifice would not be in vain!
Sekibanki looks to the table, and dives for the bowl, but is not fast enough. "Damn it…"
"Wahahaha~!" Brad guffaws, sitting back down. "Fox, get this guy off me!"
Sekibanki glares at him. "Shut up, you…"
I sat in the corner of the room and started shoving peppermints into my mouth. Sweet, sweet sugary goodness!
Brad looked at me, grinning. "...How's it goin' the-"
I glared up at him, cheeks full of peppermints, mumbling muffled profanities as I kept stuffing my mouth full of peppermints.
"Jesus, fuck! I was just askin' a question, yo! Don't gotta be all… hraaaagh! Hnnnnngh! Hoooaaah! Boom, we're the gears of war, son!... what was I talking about again…" Brad put his hand to his chin.
Sekibanki calls it quits. "Alright, that's it. Front door's unlocked, I'm going to bed. My door will be locked. Have fun smashing peppermints or whatever it is you two do."
Click. Sekibanki was retired for the night.
Meanwhile, I felt the sugar coursing through my veins… I could feel it! I could feel the adrenaline!... I mean sugar! This isn't healthy at all, but I feel great!
My eyes dart around the dimly lit room, taking in the serene lighting, the raving lunatic in a girl's costume, the generic table, and the somewhat bland design of the bowl before me. The bowl was all white but had a little blue trim on the upper edge, with zig-zags and the likes.
Tan, speckle-textured walls, wooden trim near the bottom. Wooden plank flooring. Ceiling appeared to be plaster of some kind.
I looked into the bowl and counted twelve peppermints left. I couldn't fit those ones into my mouth, so I'd finish them off later.
I could see everything!
I calmly got up and brought the bowl of peppermints to the table…
"...Wazzap, son." Brad greeted me, relaxing in his chair.
"You should be enlightened to the pleasures of the candy gods." I give him a firm, exaggerated expression.
"...Wha's that s'posed to mean…" he asks, staring at me blankly.
I start chucking peppermints at him, and he starts flailing his arms. "Oh, shit! Jesus, fuck! Not the candy gods! Oh, crap!"
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
Aagh… what the hell happened the other night?
I awoke in a daze, slouched up against a wall. "...Oh, right…" My eyes glazed over the shattered peppermint bowl.
I saw Brad in the corner in his crossdresser attire. I'd still like to know how the hell that happened…
I hear a door creak open, and Sekibanki staggers in.
"...I didn't get a single minute of sleep most of the night. Until about an hour ago, there was nothing but banging and shouting. What the fuck are you two?" She blinked drowsily, obviously irritated and short of sleep.
...I sit there contemplating life for a good moment. "Well…" ...I had nothing. One hour of sleep doesn't do a body good…
Sekibanki responds quickly. "You know what? Don't answer, just…"
...Sekibanki shuts her door again, going back to bed, it seems.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Hello? Hello!?" That sounded like… Youmu? I suppose she finally learned how to use that radar thing Yukari gave her…
Sekibanki's door slammed open. "Not... One more… Fucking… Noise!" She ran to the front door, and swung it open, Youmu jumping back.
"H-hell-"
"I only got a single hour of fucking sleep last night. I'm in a bad mood, and you're… molesting my door. What do you even want!?" Sekibanki was apparently the type of person to really value their beauty sleep.
Youmu visibly shrunk back at the shouting. "U-uhm… Do you know if a Matt is inside, by chance…?"
Sekibanki's eyes narrow. "I don't know, I don't care, and most importantly… Fuck! I'm going to bed. Get outta here." Sekibanki slams the door, slowly prodding back to her room.
...I suppose I should get out of here, since it's not like my radar blip would just go away because Sekibanki was pissed. I clumsily rise to my feet, and make for her door.
"No. No fucking… smashing hammers and shit in my bedroom!" Sekibanki turned to get daft with me, as it were.
"Too bad. Move." I muttered, charging out of her way and for the door out of the back of the house.
"Fuck! Out, out out!" She dashes after me, and despite me leaving the back of the house, she follows me out, still chasing me.
"Get out of my house!" she roars, despite us being outside the house.
I dash into the back roads of the human village, an angry whatever-the-hell she was on my trail. "Too bad! This is my house now!"
"Hooouse!"
I dashed down the back roads, weaving through villagers who jumped like kangaroos at the slightest brush of contact, reeling back as if a tractor trailer just whirled by them. Paranoia was a common thing here, yes?
"Hoooou~se!" ...I don't think she was helping, either.
After a good few minutes of blindly dashing around, I saw a gate of some sort in the distance. I pursued the gate, and feeling the aches of fatigue set in, I heard the sounds of Sekibanki's shouting closing in on me.
"Hoooouse!"
Let's see if this works…
I whirl around and clock her in the face, her head flying clean off. The villagers around me gasped, most of them freezing in place.
"He-he just… killed that girl!"
"Someone get the guards!"
"What the fuck… Youkai!?"
I think now is the time for running!
The crowd managed to ignore the fact Sekibanki's body was clumsily wandering around for her lost head, instead opting to believe she's just up and dead, even without bloodshed. I don't know what medical school they- oh right, village. Nothing more than their arithmetic, and their P's and Q's. I suppose that explains things.
I neared the gate, and as the guard scrambled forward to stop me, I just threw my arm to the right and he ducked exaggeratedly, as if I were throwing projectiles for whatever reason. I didn't expect that to actually work…
I run up to the gate… and it wasn't open. I ran to the ramp to the side of it, and the guard was already up and pursuing me, but I quickly scaled the ramp, reached the top of the wall, and leapt off the side, keeping a cautious closeness to the wall so I could pace my descent.
Thud!...
...The landing wasn't the most graceful, but I could still walk, so I think I'd be fine. The guards gathered at the wall above, looking down at me as I power-walked as efficiently as I could on the path ahead.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
...I came to the Hakurei Shrine's steps once more. Joyous occasion.
After a long and laborious climb up the steps, I finally reached the top…
"...'Bout time, lad…"
I turned to the source of the voice, finding a loli chugging from a gourd. She had two large horns with ribbons adorning them, and a heavy blush on her face, presumably from the sheer alcohol consumption.
"...A single hour of sugar-comatose induced sleep doesn't leave one well rested." I explain.
She chuckles. "Sugar? If that's all it takes to bring ya down…" She eyes her drink… "Here, try somma the good stuff…" She holds out her gourd, shaking it.
I'd really rather not. "No, thank you. I'm pretty sure if I took a depressant right now, I'd be literally comatose." Sugar crashes are not fun stuff.
She glared at me. "Oi! Now what's that for?...and wha's all that fancy talk about depression? Spirits make you happy, lad! I should know!" she boasts, raising her gourd up high.
Reimu steps out of the shrine. "Suika, what are you shouting about now?"
"Sake is great!" Suika shoves the gourd into her mouth and starts chugging…
...Suddenly, she stops, ripping the gourd out of her mouth, allowing some of the sake to splash around. "Oh, yeah! This boy doesn't even want a drop! I even offered it ta 'em! Ain't that just plain screwed up?"
Suika turns to me, moving the gourd closer to my face, to which I back up from. "C'mon, lad! It makes ya feel goo~d!"
Reimu steps towards us, sighing. "Suika, what did I tell you about forcing people to drink?"
"...It's not forcing if I ask them t-"
"Yes, it is. Especially if you shove it down their throats." Reimu corrects her.
Suika grimaces. "...Well, he wants it! Don't you want your first pint'a the good stuff, lad?"
I shake my head.
"...Baahhh…" Suika rolls her eyes and resumes chugging from her gourd.
Reimu shakes her head. "...You do realize what this means, right?"
Suika raises a brow. "...Free ale?"
Thwack!
She pouts, rubbing the spot where Reimu whacked. "Aye, aye, no more of the 'ol offering business… let's see how you like it when I don't share my sake! Hmph!" Suika folds her arms, whirling to face away from us and stare adamantly into space.
"...So." Reimu turns to me, the debacle apparently officially over. I don't intend to drink, but if I ever do, I don't want my first drink to be dying of alcohol poisoning due to a rambunctious loli drunkard.
"...So." I exchange the small talk!
"...What exactly did you come here for? I know you didn't come just to say hello…" She tilted her head.
I shrug. "I am in dire need of rest and was wondering if I could stay the ni- uh… afternoon." ...Or morning. I didn't really care about the time of day.
She nodded. "Ah. That's fine, I guess. My shrine's a bit… damaged, to say the least. Find a dry plot of wood, and lie on it. Or you could sleep in the puddles or something, if you don't mind it. I don't really care."
That works, I suppose. I walk inside, and immediately lie down on top of the kotatsu board. About as comfortable as a misshapen rock, but it'd do…
Suddenly, I get rolled off the kotatsu. "Anywhere except there, that is. That's mine." Reimu provided.
Figures. "...Can I sleep under it, then?"
She stares at me blankly. "...It's a kotatsu, not a table. Where do you think my legs go? I'm sure Suika would show you some nice rafters under the shrine if you asked her."
...I don't think she's in any mood to give friendly advice, all things considered.
I look around the shrine, seeing dilapidated wood boards and puddles strewn about the floor.
...I know this wasn't going to be remotely productive, but I might as well try it. I walk outside, and walk up to Suika.
"Say, regarding dry places to sleep here…" I begin.
Suika glances at me briefly, before huffing and turning away.
"...I would appreciate it, you know." This went about as well as expected!
"...One condition." Suika turned around, giving me a determined stare.
I think I had an idea… "And what would that be?"
Suika thrusts her gourd outward. "One sip."
...I think I'd still rather not!... but if it's a single sip for some valuable information, I think it's worth it enough.
"Very well." I consent.
Suika looks vaguely surprised, but hides it a moment later. I take the gourd, and take a quick swig…
...Holy shit that burns!
I bend over and spit out what I can, which isn't a lot since I did swallow and all. Ech…
Suika grasps her sides and lets out a hearty laugh. "Hahahah! I dunno what I expected from someone who's never even touched a bottle before, but… I appreciate the attempt, lad. I really do. Yer alright in my book."
I nod my appreciations. I didn't expect things to be that easy… "Well, I suppose it's always healthy to try new things once in awhile." Note to self: avoid sake. It sucks.
She grinned. "I should bring you somma the better stuff and see how you like that… I think you'd actually get into it if I brought you something heavier…"
Let's not! "Oh, no no no… that's alright. Perfectly fine, I assure you."
She waved her arm. "Oh, I insist! Don't get wet feet on me now, boy! This could be how you become a man, you never know!"
...That sentence has multiple connotations to it, and I don't like it. Speaking of wet feet… "That reminds me… isn't there anywhere decent to sleep?"
After blinking for a few moments, she nods. "Yeah! Right uh, this way…"
After a walk around the shrine, we came to a hole in the side of the foundation. It had the faint design of a magic circle in front of the open space, but it dissipated as we neared.
"No water came in there, so I think I'll spend the night there or som'n…" Suika scratched the back of her head. "It's cold all the time, I think. And dark. Kinda soothing, really…"
...Right. I lower to my knees and crawl into the cave, looking around. It was strangely illuminated, and the tunnel extended downward under the shrine. "Where exactly does this lead to, anyway?" I ask.
"Oh… a cave! Didn' I tell ya?" she replied. That's… not quite what I meant, but sure.
"Okay. A cave." I furrowed my brows as we came into a large room. Candles were arranged about, and a large green crystal was stationed in the center of the room. Multiple ofuda were slapped around the room, chains lining the walls, and a pentagram was drawn below the crystal.
"...Just a cave. Like any other." I elaborated.
Suika cheered. "Yeea~h!"
She walked up to the crystal. "I forget what this was… Reimu said it was… what did she say it was…" She put a hand to her chin in reflection.
"...Important? Don't touch it? Stay away?" I guessed. I don't think this was something you just up and poked…
Suika furrows her brows and turns to me. "What? Why'd she tell me something like that? Since when'd this shrine have something tha' important? Last time Reimu gave me instructions like that, it was about her booze!"
I facepalmed. "Well, maybe this is a booze crystal, then. Reimu's booze crystal, so don't touch it."
I chose the absolute worst choice of words for that. "Booze crystal!? Holy crap, Reimu! This is great!" Suika walked up to the large crystal and grabbed it, and then pulled it right out of the pentagram's rather exact positioning. The crystal was bigger than her, even!
Suddenly, all the ofuda fell, the chains came undone, and the light that illuminated the cave went out. The pentagram fizzled out, and all was dark.
"...This is a predicament." I stated. We probably unleashed a horrible eldritch abomination upon Gensokyo, or something, and Yukari'd pop in any second to shout profanities at me about my error.
"Aaahh, I've been through worse…" Suika stated offhandedly. "We'll just punch our way out."
Shattering was heard. "Oops… I don't think that was a real booze crystal anyway. I heard those come in brown, not green."
...They actually exist? If so, why!?
Smashing was heard! "C'mon, lad, follow me…"
I followed the sounds of violence as we traced the tunnel back to the surface, the light from it revealing itself eventually with enough punching… only for Suika to not follow the light and instead tunnel up randomly like a maniac. Eventually, we came out in the floor of the shrine…
Suika shot up from the floor. "He~y!"
Reimu look at her. "...You know what? Tear it up as much as you want, this place needs an overhaul anyway."
Suika beamed. "Do you really mean it, Reimu!?" She began to tear a wall down…
"No! Don't damage it any more than it already is!" Reimu snapped, glaring at Suika.
She tilted her head in confusion. "But I thought ya said… ah, whatever. You're confusing sometimes, Reimu…"
"It's not that I'm confusing, it's that you're simple." Reimu slouched on the kotatsu. Suika and I climbed out of the hole in the floor, and Suika used some of the torn up walling to cover the hole.
"...You know what? I'm going for a walk or something. Don't destroy the entire shrine while I'm out." Reimu got up and walked out, shutting the door behind her.
...Suika pulls out her gourd and starts chugging it.
"So, uh… about that sleeping spot…" I begin again.
Suika slowly finishes drinking, and turns to me, before-
"Bwaa~hp!"
-belching. Classy.
Suika grins at me while I make a dissatisfied face. "...C'mon, that was a good one!"
I shake my head.
Suika rolls her eyes. "Fine, whatever…"
…
"Oh, yeah, sleep! Right, right, right…" Suika finally realized the purpose of our entire conversation.
She turned to the hole. "...I thought that place worked."
As much as I loved sleeping in a broken abomination sealment room, I'd like something less horrifying and doom-provoking. "How about somewhere less… deadly?"
Suika nodded. "Less deadly… less deadly…" She snapped her fingers. "...Well, wait, no… the rafters under the shrine are kinda wet right now… and the floor's kinda all soggy… gaaahhh…"
I fold my arms. How could this shrine have literally nowhere that was hospitable!? Where did the miko sleep, her kotatsu?
Suika shrugged. "Y'know what? I don't think she'd mind this…"
Suika walked up to the kotatsu, before lifting it and pulling me under it by my arm, and setting it back down. "Tell her… well, just don't let her find you under it."
...Quality advice. Truly.
"If dat don't work… I'll find ya somewhere, don't worry… just come to me again if she kicks ya out, 'kay?" With that, she wanders off into other parts of the shrine, likely to get hammered some more.
...That'd probably be relatively soon. Both parts of that sentence, I mean.
In walks some people. Great.
"Time wards… what does he even need time wards for?" Reimu mutters to herself as she walks in and into another room of the shrine.
After a few seconds, I'm forced to dodge to the side as I see a pair of sneakers enter the underside of the kotatsu. Why was Brad here?
"Reimu~! I'm here to play, ze! Also, my house has nearly been fully returned to nature!" That sounded like Marisa entering the room, too. I think ducking under here was a big mistake… damn it, Suika!
"...You're a unique face to see at the shrine. What're you so giddy about, anyway?"
I swear, if Marisa stuck her legs under this thing I'd probably have to become one with the kotatsu top or something.
"...You don't need to be so stuck-up, ze. I know I'm supposed to be a commoner and all, but at the very least you could reply!" Marisa stomps the floor in frustration. At the very least, she wasn't going to be sitting down for awhile at this rate…
The legs are retracted from the underside of the kotatsu, leaving me alone to the warmth of it. That's pleasant, I guess.
"Hmm? Kaguya, what're you…" Marisa trails off awkwardly.
"I am an imposter from High Hrothgar! Don't tell the bunny people!" There's his voice.
I have a feeling I'd be stuck under here awhile. As long as no one was going to show up and actually sit down, I think this might be a good place to collapse of sleep deprivation…
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I awaken to violent prodding.
"I told you not to go under there!" I heard Reimu shout at me, but I tried to ignore the gohei poking me and continue sleeping.
"Hey, Reimu, I've got an idea, ze!" Marisa leaned close to her friend and whispered…
Reimu jerked her head back and glared at her friend. "Wha~t!?"
Marisa laughed heartily. "C'mon! It's not like it'll do any harm, ze!"
"...Fine. If this gets weird, I'm hitting you." Reimu consented to whatever idea Marisa proposed.
Precariously, the kotatsu was placed back over me.
I suddenly felt legs on my back from my lying-face-down-annihilated position.
Am I going to get literally kicked out, or what? If the floor is dry, I don't care.
"...Anything?" Marisa asks her friend.
"He's out cold. Let's just kick him out and be done with it."
Marisa groaned. "Aahhww… alright."
Suddenly, the legs retracted and returned with force, thrusting me out of the kotatsu onto the dry-enough floor. Alright, I'm happy…
"...Just where did you think that was going, anyway?" Reimu furrowed her brows as she stared at her friend.
"Oh, I was just curious…" Marisa trailed off, bringing her arms behind her head.
"...Pervert." Reimu sighed.
Back to sleep!
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I awaken somewhere on the floor. Sitting up, I look around to find only Reimu was seated at the kotatsu.
"Morning." Reimu greeted me. "Or, rather, good evening."
I groggily began to sit up. "...Better than nothing, I guess."
She idly scratched her cheek. "Mmm."
I looked around the shrine and stood, ready to head for the door. "I thank you for your hospitality."
"Sure." Reimu replied dismissively, fatigue presumably setting in from the time of day, which upon opening the door out of the shrine, I discover to be night. Night was a nice time of day… provided, Gensokyian nights were riddled with monstrosities in the shape of little girls, ready to devour my flesh… Kinky.
Suika was seen on the front path of the shrine, drunkenly swaying about as she made for the porch.
"Have a good evening." I offhandedly give her a greeting and start making for the staircase. It should be easier on the way down…
Suika whirled around. "Wha~t? You be leavin' already, boy? C'mere, lemme see ya off the proper Oni way!"
An oni, so that's what she was. It makes sense, although I was expecting someone taller…
She threw her arms in the air and ran down the steps with reckless abandon, leaping down multiple at a time. I followed behind slowly, taking my time. If I tripped and fell down this large flight of rail-less, stone stairs, I don't think I'd have a good time.
I catch up with her at the bottom of the stairway, and she turns to me. "I didn' think ya'd be hittin' tha 'ol dusty trail so early, there… What wha's yer name again…?"
...Only now she started heavily slurring? "Major General Sergeant Shooter Important Sergeant General Master Shooter person."
Suika furrowed her brows and tilted her head. "...You don' mind if I just call ya Bob or Matt or somethin', do ya?"
I shrug. "Matt will do."
She smiled. "Good! Now… where was I…?"
Here we go again…
"You!"
Shi~ng!
Suddenly, Youmu, apparently.
A tree nearby fell down as a long line of light extended from the human village to said tree. Youmu stood on the other side, nimbly sheathing her sword.
"You fell off the radar for a full eight hours! I was looking everywhere for you! Yuyuko-sama's waiting!" Youmu began shouting.
I raise my hand to greet her as if I had just noticed her. "Oh, hey, Nana! Did you remember to bring Gustavus Adolphus?"
Youmu tilted her head. "Who?"
The fluffle poked his head out of the side of the satchel of food she was carrying aside her. "gusty adoofs!"
She shook her head. "That doesn't matter! Yuyuko-sama's going to be so disappointed in the both of us!"
Suika stumbled up to her. "Aaah, yer that… hold on, I got this…" Suika started rubbing her chin, before raising her arms behind her head. "...Aaah, you are~... Yomi!?"
She furrowed her brows. "...No."
"...Youmu?" Suika guessed.
Youmu smiled. "Yes, act-"
I interjected, because that was clearly the wrong answer! "Her name's Nana, actually."
Suika slammed her hand against her forehead. "Aah! Stupid me… I'm not that good with names…"
Youmu glared at me. "Look, we need to go. Right now."
Suika grinned, and clumsily walked up to Youmu. "C'mon, Nana! Stay awhile! You sound like you could use a little som'n som'n for that mood 'a yer's…"
She began flanking Youmu with her approach, gourd at the ready.
Youmu started walking towards me. "I don't have time for that, Suika. Yuyuko-sama is expect- Gufuh!"
Suika had pulled Youmu back and stuffed the gourd into her mouth. "Aaah, a little of the ol' spirits never not done did a body not… good?" She trailed off, staring into the sky as she realized her grammar had taken an unfortunate turn for the worse.
Gulp… Gulp...
"Mmmph! Mmmugh! Mmmm!" Youmu tried shouting, sake running down her nose as she practically drowned in it, as it got forced down.
Gulp… Gulp…
"Mmmph…" Youmu ceased struggling, judgement waning.
Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…
"...Hmm. How'd it go again…" Suika was still working out how grammar worked, absentmindedly staring up at the sky.
Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…
"Oh, right!" Suika tore her gourd away as she realized how to construct the sentence. "Spirits have never not done what they could no further… do…" ...I think it got worse.
...Suika shook her head. "Ah, whatever…" She reeled her head back and chugged from her gourd.
Youmu stumbled out of her grasp, wobbling about. "A-ah… Yu~yuko, sama…"
She promptly collapsed on the dirt path in a blushing mess.
Suika stared at her. "...Wha' happened ta her?"
...As amusing as this was, I ever so slightly felt bad for Youmu's predicament. But in any case, onwards to greener pastures!
"Suffering." I told her.
She paused for a moment, but nodded vigorously after. "I s'pose I'll take her ta Reimu… She oughta know wha' ta do 'bout suffering!"
I walked off towards the misty lake as Suika slung Youmu over her shoulder and carried her up the stone steps, leaping clumsily and merrily the whole way.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I walked alongside the dark lakeside, taking in the atmosphere. Stars hung in the night sky brightly, illuminating the night.
I took a deep breath. "...What a terrible night to have a curse…" I grinned to myself.
"Is that so~?"
Ah. Her, again.
I turned to find that blonde youkai from before, or at least what I presumed to be her. A large black orb of darkness hung in the air, hovering around in what I assumed as an attempt to look menacing.
"...That is so. It is, infact, a terrible night to have a curse." I assured her.
"Is that so~?"
...That little statement of hers was beginning to irritate me.
I stick my hands in my pockets, ready to draw my scissors as I smirk at the dark orb before me. "Just let your darkness down, and float away… because I don't think I'd be very appetizing." I contemplated being cockier in the moment, but I don't think it'd really matter in this situation.
Giggling was heard from the orb. "You can't trick me, mister! You hurt me last time… and that was mean!"
"Then you had best watch what you eat. If I tried eating knives, I'm sure I'd be bleeding too." I argued.
"Who said I was eating knives? It's fun when it becomes a game!" With that exclamation, a simple red danmaku spread shot from Rumia's dark orb. I had expected a charge, so I was ready to leap aside regardless, but this development was worrisome.
Another wave of red spreadshots flows out towards me, and I run for the trees. I'd have to be an idiot to try and engage in melee combat like this. There's not much I could do in the trees either, but…
I reach into my pocket, and feel my pink scissors. I could try and intercept the danmaku to create gaps for myself…
"Night Sign! Night Bird!"
What was she shouting now? I dove behind a tree to avoid a line of red bullets, when suddenly far thicker waves of blue and cyan orbs flowed past the foliage and tree trunks, making me thankful I was behind cover.
Rumia hovered around haphazardly, beelining towards my position. "I~, can~, smell~, you!"
Scratch that whole 'shoot down the danmaku' idea. I don't think I could do it with this many bullets now...
I felt through my pocket, and felt the unfamiliar pair of incendiary scissors. What exactly could I do with these…?
I took them out and stared at them, the spreads of danmaku getting more intense upon the tree trunk as Rumia neared. "I got you, I got you~!"
I smile widely, allowing my teeth to bare through. "You got me, you got me!" I start slashing at the tree trunk, flames forming where I scratched, even though I was using the blunt of the scissors rather than the blades… since you couldn't really use it like the edges of a knife.
I began to run back as the tree truly lit aflame, the whole side of the bark on my end being engulfed. I dashed to the tree behind it, and repeated the process.
"Hahahaha!" Rumia laughed merrily as she whirled around through the fire. She quickly shot away when she noticed the heat and light being emitted. "A-ah! Where did that come from?"
Thunk, thwack, thwack, thwack. I lit the side of another tree alight, and I dashed through some bushes, chopping at the branches of them with my scissors, lighting them as well.
Before I knew it, the fire was spreading to non-stricken trees and brush.
"W-where'd you go!? Come back!" Rumia shouted as she cautiously hovered a good distance away from the flames, losing my scent in the smoke.
I thought about saying something witty- or laughing- but then realized that it'd be completely counter-intuitive to give her sound to follow. Instead, I dashed in the direction I thought the manor was in, randomly nicking trees and bushes on my way there, a trail of flames following me.
Rumia doubled back to the lake instead, unable to bear the light of the flames. I had successfully avoided becoming a happy meal once more!
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I felt my adrenaline rush die down as I neared the gates of the manor, and I pocketed my fire scissors. Looking behind me, I saw amber lights in the distance- the proof of my work displayed in the Gensokyian night.
I nodded in satisfaction, turning towards the gate and walking up to it.
Meiling stood in front of it, struggling to stay awake.
"Salutations!" I call out, walking towards the gate.
She shot up, "Huh-whah!? Oh, right…" and locked eyes with me. "...Do you have any business here?"
I nod. "Of course. Is it not visiting hours?" I assumed this manor had visiting hours.
She nodded. "Well, technically the night is the proper visiting time… but you're pretty much the only person who's bothered to arrive in the dead of night before. Well, last person to peacefully arrive in the night, that is."
I smile. "I suppose I'll just be inside, then."
Meiling sticks a hand up. "Just be careful in there, alright? Not only is the manor in a state of, uh… disrepair, we've kinda also got a new training program in place for the maids. It's kinda… intense. That's how I would describe it."
I shrug. "Sure."
...She tilts her head. "...Did you get all that?"
"Sure."
She sighs. "Go right ahead, then…"
The gate folds open, and I walk inside, admiring what I could of the gothic architecture. It was in… about the same shape as the last time I was here, except with more water.
Looking around and finding no one, I decide to walk up to the mansion's doors and open them.
Creeee~aaak…
Considering these doors were just built, that was either intentional or really poorly constructed.
"Is that clear!?" I hear a woman yelling, and upon closer inspection, that woman is Sakuya.
"Y-yes, mam!"
"Clear as roger, I-I mean…"
"Sure, whatever."
Sakuya stared at the three stooges, before turning to three far more decorated people, whom I doubted were fairies at first, but considering some of them have wings…
"Why can't you three fuck ups be more like these higher in command? And you…" Sakuya locked her eyes on Namori.
"Y-Yes mister roger mam?" She trembled, saluting clumsily.
"If you had remembered to tell people the mansion was on fucking fire…" Sakuya drew some knives.
"I-I'm, so~rry!" Namori bowed, crying.
"Sorry's not good enough!" Sakuya roared, expression flaring as she let loose a messy barrage of knives at the maid.
Pi~chun!
"What-what if that fire had hurt the mistresses!? Huh? What then!?" Sakuya shouted at the two remaining maids.
The 'maid' dressed like a cloaker from PAYDAY 2 tapped Sakuya on the shoulder. "Hey uh, Chiefy?"
Sakuya whirled around. "What!? I'm busy!"
The cloaker pointed at me. "Got eyes on a per- I mean… person. They might be a perp, though. Permission to engage?"
Sakuya froze for a moment, staring at me, before letting out a ragged sigh. "Just… You two."
The two maids perked up as Sakuya mentioned them.
"You're fired. Tell your moron friend she's fired too. I don't even know where Hana is, but tell her she's fired. You're all fucking fired! Get out!" Sakuya flails her arms to the sides, panting.
"F-fine, geez!" Koi makes for the door.
"...loser…" Komi mutters under her breath, causing Sakuya to freeze up and glare at her, but she decided to shake it off instead.
The two fairy maids fluttered out the door solemnly.
"...You there, boy. What business do you have here?" Sakuya narrows her eyes at me, apparently in a foul mood.
"Can I not pay the library a visit during visiting hours?" I state, raising a brow.
Her expression doesn't change. "Visiting hours? There's no such thing. Who let you in?"
The cloaker taps her on the shoulder again. "Permission to engage?"
Sakuya sighs. "For the last time, no! If you don't shut up, and let me handle things, the only one who's going to be engaged is you, and that engagement will be with my knives!" Sakuya panted at the end of her run-on sentence.
"Jeez, cool it, I get it…" The cloaker backs away.
"It says here in section eight-point-two of the Scarlet Devil Mansion rulebook, that all hours between ten P.M. and eleven A.M. are visiting hours!" booms the fairy dressed like a bulldozer, causing everyone to jump.
Sakuya turns to her abruptly once she recovers from the shock of the bulldozer's voice. "What? Well, what time is it?"
"We don't have fucking clocks!" roared the bulldozer. "They all get destroyed!"
Sakuya looked like she was ready to stab someone. "Why… does no one invest in fucking watches!?"
"You're up against the clock, and I am the fucking clock!" the bulldozer replied.
...I began to walk off as the two began bickering, and the taser-esque and cloaker-esque maids just watch me walk off without protest.
"I don't pay you to spend all your money on… fucking fairy shit!" Sakuya hollers at the bulldozer.
"...We got paid?" The cloaker tilted its head.
The taser turned to Sakuya. "Chief, don't you carry a-"
"What do I carry, huh!? Huh!?" Sakuya gets up in the taser's face.
"...You know what? Nothing. Continue, Chief." The taser grumbled, turning away.
I walked into one of the few standing hallways of the manor, passing a short vampire. She stared into the room with a somewhat concerned expression, ignoring me as I passed her.
...I'm pretty sure Sakuya does indeed carry her own watch on her. Good on her, I guess.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I walk into the library, taking in the scent of old books and dust. I travel past numerous shelves before I reach the study of a certain magi.
I glanced at Patchouli, who was reading. Beside her was Marisa, who was thumbing through an unlabeled tome.
"This one… this one, this one, this one…" Marisa rambled, focusing on the book.
"Are you certain?" Patchouli inquires, not bothering to glance at her.
"No- well, yes… I mean… Aaagh!" Marisa tosses the book, which Patchouli stops mid-air with levitation.
"...I'd like you to take your frustrations out on yourself, not my books." she sighed.
Marisa folded her arms. "I can't help it! I can't find a single damn thing on those vines popping up everywhere!"
Patchouli looked at her. "Everywhere? They only appeared in your house and in some field thus far. I hardly consider that to be 'everywhere'."
While they bickered, I walked up, picked up a random book, and sat at the chair in front of the desk, opening it up to a random page.
...It wasn't in any language I recognized, though. I pretended to read it anyway, and waited for them to notice me, putting my incredible skill of being ignored to the test.
Marisa rolled her eyes. "I'm sure I'll see it again! Trust me on this, Patchy!"
Patchouli sighed. "This is a matter of facts, Marisa. I cannot simply 'trust' you on anything, and it's not because I don't trust you… it's simply because you've not enough credible citations."
Marisa rolled her eyes. "...So you don't trust me, I guess."
Patchouli shrugged, turning back to her book. "If you want to take it that way, then yes."
...
Marisa grabbed another book and started thumbing through it. "It's gotta be in this one…"
"You don't even know what you're looking for." Patchouli comments, turning a page.
"Damn!" Marisa casts the book aside.
I close the book I'm reading and hand it to her. "Why not try this one?"
Marisa nods. "Ah, thanks…"
She opens it up and starts thumbing through it, only to slow down once she realizes something.
"...Where the hell'd you come from, ze!?"
Patchouli lethargically swung her book in Marisa's general direction, lightly bumping her in the ribs. "Be quiet! Unlike you, I'm trying to actually focus here!"
Marisa pointed at me, and I got out of my chair and ducked in front of the desk, out of their line of sight. "When'd he get here?"
Patchouli slowly turned to where I would be if I didn't duck. "...Marisa, now is no time for you to start acting stupid. Stop acting stupid."
Marisa floated over the desk, glaring at me. "Oi, you! I saw you! What're you doing here?"
Patchouli stood up. "Marisa, if you don't calm down…"
I slowly stand up holding a book that was previously lying discarded next to the desk. "...Reading. It's a library." I smile delightfully.
Marisa slowly scowls. "Oh, you asshole…"
Patchouli blinks at Marisa, but shakes her head. "No fighting, either. No nothing. Sit down. That goes for the both of you."
The witch rolls her eyes, "Fi~ne…" and goes to sit next to Patchouli again, upon the pile of books she was previously seated upon.
...After a few moments, Patchouli looks at me. "What brings you here?"
"Just wanted to read about spells… and stuff." I state casually.
She nods. "Good of a reason as any, I guess. There are books in english in section eight-four-nine, sub-section K-twenty. It'll be the one on the junction between the north eastern study and the shelf with the unpleasant books."
...It'd be nice if I knew where any of this was, and how her sorting system even worked. "Could I just get a map instead?" ...and what the hell was the shelf with unpleasant books?
Patchouli closes her eyes for a moment and sighs. "...Marisa, draw him that map." she requests, locking her eyes back on her book's contents.
Marisa pouts at her for a moment, before taking a crumpled tissue out of her pocket and taking an ink quill pen from Patchouli's desk and getting to work. "Ahhh, you take a left there, a right there… and uh…" She paused. "...I think… you go that way. That'll do, ze!"
She hands me the map, and I take it, narrowing my eyes at it. I couldn't exactly trust this map, but it was all I had to go on. I already forgot what sections she talked about, with the exception of the 'shelf of unpleasant books', whatever the hell that was.
"My appreciations…" I reluctantly voice, walking off and looking at the map. Here's to hoping it leads me somewhere relevant!
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I looked to my right, seeing an aisle of books with black and red designs, runic carvings on them and faint red glows from all of them. The entire aisle was dimmer than those around it.
"I assume I found the shelf of unpleasant books…" I say to myself. I look to the left and see the junction labeled on the map.
I decided to continue to the junction; the eldritch lore tomes could wait for another day.
I finally come to the section labeled on the map; however, the label itself appears to be in Japanese. Thanks, Marisa. I assumed this was the English section.
Looking around, I saw a mixture of very old European novels that seemed to have a rather vague level of wear on them. They were all faded a classy ivory, though. I carefully slid one out of its place on a shelf, and opened it up… only to find a very special brand of old English that proved to be quite challenging for me, somehow. I wonder if Patchouli even read these titles anymore…
I slid the book back into its position on the shelf… or, at least, what I thought was its position. I don't think the librarian would mind if some novel was misplaced by a few spaces. I hoped.
I ran my eyes across the shelves, and found that there not only wasn't anything really legible for me, but they all looked like novels, too. Not any of the magic tomes I was hoping to be here… would she even label a section for English magic tomes?
I place my hands on one of the shelves and sigh. What a waste of time… "Is there really nothing here I can remotely read?" I ask myself.
"Hey! Get back here!"
I turn suddenly to see something fly past one of the open aisles across from this one. Interesting… and it's not like I have anything better to do.
"You little pieces of- woah!" Crashing was heard, the sound of books clattering on the floor echoing throughout the otherwise quiet library.
I made my way towards the noise to find…
"Owowow…" The succubus rubbed her head, lying in a pile of books. "Those… fucking…"
Huh. I didn't expect that here. "...Would you happen to know where any legibly English magic tomes are?" I ask… I mean, she had to work here, right?
She looks up to me and glares. "I'm a bit busy, if you haven't noticed."
I fold my arms. "The customer is always right."
"You're not a customer as far as I'm concerned. Look… I need a favor."
Pfft. "You just turned me down. Surely you jest."
The succubus rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, just come with me! We need to kick some fluffy ass!"
Fluffy ass, huh? "...Well that sounds convincing. Sure."
Rising from the pile of books, she cracked her neck a bit. "Aauh…" Looking back and forth, she seemed to be trying to ascertain the location of the fluffles.
"...Come out, you little shitheads!" she roared, nails extending.
I suddenly hear fluffy coos behind me. Turning around, I see numerous fluffles with little black bandanas on, looking at me with narrowed eyes. I didn't even know these things could narrow their eyes.
I point at them. "Hey, look. Fluffy ass."
Some of them held little sacks on their backs, and others had full trench coats on- all in black, except for the sacks. Those were brown.
The succubus whirls around. "So you finally stopped running, huh!? I'll rip you apart!"
...Someone was unhappy.
The succubus flew towards them, and the fluffles with the sacks instantly took off, jumping high above the bookshelves and leaving those cartoony black bombs with fuses on them.
The two fluffles in front with trench coats hovered forward into the air to meet her. Their coats unfolded and cutlasses attached by jointed metal rods smoothly slid out, meeting the succubus's claw-like nails.
Her eyes widened. "Wha~t!?"
The succubus cutlasses were then hidden within the tiny coats once more, despite the blades being at least as big as my arm. I noticed the other two trench coat fluffles were gone; they probably took off with the thieves.
One of the sword-slinging fluffles hovered towards her and she quickly backtracked, claws ready to parry strikes. To her surprise, a huge metal blade shot out of the coat and extended towards her, which she avoided with a very clumsy backwards dash. The blade slowly withdrew itself back into the fluffle's coat; it had to be a legitimate ten feet in length. However…
I swiftly drew my steel scissors and dashed at it, and while that fluffle couldn't react, I was forced to stop as the other one floated into place.
In this case, I had a backup plan… I took my pretty pink scissors out with my other hand.
The fluffle that blocked me started flying up and over me, which probably wasn't a good position, aerial advantage and all that. I began sidestepping, trying to get to the one retracting its blade while still keeping out of range of the one hovering above. My plans quickly changed to outright avoiding the flying one when swords of various types started falling down, pinning themselves into the floor behind me.
"I'm fucking done!" roared the succubus as she flew over me and the fluffle with the large blade still retracting. She flew towards the blade-dropping hooligan, which abruptly jumped back, blades instead clumsily sliding out of its coat as the succubus spiraled towards it.
"Hrraaagh!" She caught up with it, and reached into the coat, before quickly retracting her arms and barreling to the side, a huge flow of blades rocketing out and raining into adjacent bookshelf aisles, clattering commencing.
…I looked to the large blade fluffle, which had finally retracted the entire blade. It started hovering towards me, and I smirked.
"Just put your weapons down, and walk away." ...It was a fun line, to be honest.
In response, I saw the trench coat flap open, and I knew what to expect.
Shii~ng!
I dove to the side as the giant blade rocketed out and punctured a bookshelf, embedding itself. The fluffle noticed it had stopped retracting, and tried desperately to jerk itself to influence the blade to little avail.
I walked up to it, and waved at it. "Hello."
"...hi friend" It smiled, the shiftiness in its eyes leaving it.
I tore it from its trench coat… which hung in the air, still attached to the giant blade.
I took the bandana off it. "This is mine now."
"help no" Its fins rose into the air, alarmed.
"Waaaal!"
I flinched, and used the fluffle to shield myself as I heard the clattering of blades and the wailing of a fluffle from above me. To my right, I saw the second fluffle crash into the floor and explode into dust, its cosmetics going with it. What a shame…
The succubus floated down and took a deep breath. "...Alright. We got… two of them. Great…"
I took out my cloth string, and began tying up the fluffle. It was a bit clumsier than before, given the quick moment, but…
The succubus quickly takes notice. "Ah, let me…"
...I hand the fluffle off to her, and she works her hands on the string, tying it in an intricate bondage knot.
She grins. "There you go… You know, I could do that to you too, if you want…"
I shake my head. "How about no." I didn't have time to be getting my soul stolen by she-demons, as fun as it'd be.
She rolls her eyes. "Of. Fucking. Course… The second outsider to the mansion, and they're… Aaaugh!"
I raise a brow. "...You know, there is one guy you could try. He's this idiot who swings plant ha-"
I'm interrupted. "Already tried. Didn't go well. Fuck him. And fuck you."
Well. "...Thanks, but no thanks. I still need those books, you know."
She glares at me. "And we still have four other fluffles. Get going. I expect you back by… by…" Pausing, she looks around for a clock.
"Half past a freckle. You had best be helping me out if you want the contents of those bags back." Surely they would be books of little value to me… but if she never got them back, where would she be?
"...Fine, fine." She groaned. "If they kill you, it's your own fault."
"Naturally." I grin.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I walked behind the succubus as she fluttered around erratically, trying to pinpoint the other fluffy lunatics. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon… they have to have gone somewhere!"
"bassoo~n" cooed the fluffle.
We continued like this for a little while… and eventually we came to one of Patchouli's many study outposts in the library, except it was unmanned… barring the one fluffle seated at the magus's arm chair reading a book with a featureless, green cover.
The succubus narrowed her eyes at it, and floated down to it. "..." She extended her claws and brought them to its neck. "Your friends. Tell me now, and you don't die."
The fluffle paused, sat down the random book it was reading, and looked at her, smiling neutrally as most other fluffles did.
It finally opened its shell nose to speak with instead of its mouth. "Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"
Suddenly, mini warheads fell all around the study, sides of shelves exploding, tables blowing up, and charred pages whirling through the air. Dust clouds created a fog of war, of sorts.
The succubus and I coughed, navigating our way out of the dust and into the aisle we came from. By the time we got there, we began getting shot at. The loud echoes of guns forced me to take cover behind the nearest meat shield… which seemed like an appropriate name for the succubus, at any rate.
She had better senses than me, and dashed for a table fragment as cover, and I followed. We hid behind it, bullets pattering off the edge of the wooden table because that is totally how wood and bullets interact. Gensokyo apparently operated by video game logic, and I was alright with that.
The dust was beginning to settle down, and we could clearly see the two trenchcoat fluffles floating above us.
The succubus shot towards one. "I've got you now~!"
I readied my pink scissorang; if these abominations had guns, this could get a bit difficult…
The fluffle she charged at hovered back a bit, and out from its coat came one hugeass fucking gun… although it was just a barrel we saw. The barrel itself extended to six feet long, or at least, that's what we saw from what was extended.
The succubus's eyes widened. "Holy…"
Barreling out of the way as fast as she could, she averted the barrel's sights.
BLAM.
I heard multiple bookshelves vibrate audibly as a thick sniper shot ripped through them. That was some power...
Reeling from the sound of the blast, the succubus blinked. "Y-you're not going to hit me with that!"
The other fluffle's coat folded open, revealing another six foot barrel.
She dove straight for the other one, flying as quickly as she could.
BLAM.
A chandelier elsewhere in the library exploded, a light flickering out. I don't think that'll be cheap…
The succubus wrapped her hands around the neck of the first fluffle. "Not a move, or fuckface here gets it!" Her claws extended. "Got it?"
...I hear shifting beside me. Out from some rubble walks the fluffle from before, now without its book. It looked at me and waved.
"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"
A series of explosions rocked the library again, books and pages flying as the study got rocked by a powerful air strike once more.
I looked out from the table I was hiding behind to see less dust than last time. I heard gunfire echo from somewhere ahead… which could be many places. As it cleared, I saw the succubus hidden behind the rubble of a bookshelf. Numerous rifles and machine guns were extended from the coat, and they all unloaded onto the rubble before being dropped once their clips were empty.
I readied my pink scissors, seeing an opportunity as the fluffle had ignored my presence. Spinning it up like a lasso, I swung it at the fluffle, and it caught onto it. Upon catching it, I jerked it towards me, making it drop some of its rifles and other assorted automatic armaments prematurely. I slowly pulled it towards me, but suddenly it began fighting my pull, raising me into the air.
The succubus saw an opportunity here, too. She took to the skies moments after the firing of guns ceased, and made a direct line for the fluffle.
"Your life is mine!" She was really getting into it!
Once she caught up with the fluffle, who was too busy fighting my pulling to bother- well, it did bother, but my string's positioning made it difficult for anything to come out, having sealed the gap in the trench coat shut- its life was over.
Swoosh!
Dust fell to the floor, and I retracted my scissorang. "...Not the cleanest battle." I admitted.
"No shit." replied the succubus. "Were there explosions, too? How about guns? You see any of those?"
Speaking of explosions…
From between us, the fluffle from before climbed out of more rubble from between us. Our eyes widened.
"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"
We got out of there quickly as more bombs started bombarding the study, reducing anything remaining in the vague vicinity of the study to rubble.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
"Now…" The succubus sighed. "All we need to do is find the books…"
I looked around. "Hmmm…" We don't hear them anymore, for one thing…
Boom-Boom!
...We forgot to defuse those bombs back where we first saw them, didn't we? There goes the Old English section…
"Fu~ck…" The succubus facepalmed in dissapointment.
"bassoo~n" cooed the fluffle in the bag, again.
I looked into the bag. "Do I need to have a word with you?"
"bassoo~n!" it cooed louder.
I reached in grabbed it. "I'm going to have a word with you."
"hold on," it began. "i brought friends!"
A fluffle poked its head out of the bag, popping out of seemingly nowhere because I didn't feel it before. "...Re-"
I slapped my hand over the shell nose. "No! Never again!"
...I slowly lifted my hand from it. "-Bomb-" I slapped my hand over it again.
A singular bomb exploded nearby, causing books to fall from their shelves.
I turned to the succubus. "...Do you have any techniques that shut them up?"
She grins. "With pain, or pleasure?"
I roll my eyes. "Manually."
Pouting, the succubus walks up and takes the cloth from my pocket. "Ooh, you're no fun…"
She begins to take it, and I raise one hand. "Don't let it say a peep, or stuff explodes."
She nods, and as we trade the fluffle, we do indeed let it say a peep.
"Re-Bomb-" She slapped her hand over its mouth.
More books fell as the shelves rocked, an explosion vibrating them.
I give her the ol' stinkeye, as it were. "... What did I just say?"
She glares back. "Oh, whatever…"
...She eventually finishes tying it up into yet another kinky knot. I hope I remember that this one's the asshole that makes things explode by raining bombs down.
The other fluffle stared up at me from the sack. "i have a present for you friend"
I tilt my head. "Sure."
A book lightly clunks my head from above and falls to the floor. I turn, and see that it's that same featureless green book the fluffle was reading from before. I turn to it, and open it up… discovering it to be in yet another foreign language. That's great! I slide it into my bag; with any luck it'd be vaguely important… or something.
I look to the right… and manage to catch a glimpse of the two remaining bandits, who were wall-jumping between two bookshelves, even with the sacks equipped.
I point at them. "Fluffy bandits."
The succubus turns and stares up at the fluffles. "Oh, you're not getting away that easily!"
They reach the top of the shelf and attempt to do a fancy spin-jump away, but she grabs one of them and tosses it in my general direction. "You! Kill it!"
It lands just ahead from me, and instantly gets up and starts sprinting, and quickly starts doing belly-dives to avoid me as I run after it, speeding up.
"Get back here, you son of a bitch!" I call out, taking out my pink scissors, and tossing them around it.
The fluffle took out an oversized pair of steel scissors and tried to cut the string, but failed. Steel alloy, son!
The fluffle was then flung back to me, caught by the string, letting the giant steel scissors fly out of its hands. Those looked a bit unwieldy and more comical than useful…
"Waaaal!" it wailed, and I ripped the sack from its fins.
"Nope, it's mine now." I frowned at it.
"Waaaa~l!" it wailed louder.
I lifted it with one hand. "You shall never walk with those agile legs of yours again." I pocket my pink scissors, taking the string with it.
"Waaaal!" it wailed, again.
I grasped both of its legs with one hand, and…
Rrrr~ip!
The fluffle looked down at its legs. "help no"
I shoved both the fluffle and the legs into the bag… not before taking its bandana, too. "Have fun with that, you fluffy swine."
The other fluffles greet it. "hi friend"
"Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm!" sounded the muffled cries of the terrorist fluffle. Thankfully, no explosions were induced.
The succubus flew back with her sack of books, grinning. "Great! Mistress will be quite pleased that I found this collection back!"
"You mean 'we'." I added.
She turned to me. "...No, I don't. You see…" She reached into her pockets, taking out a pink potion. "I recently had another one of these babies made…"
That's probably not good, so I reached into my bag and found nothing but fluff and stuff. I took out the gagged terrorist fluffle, and the succubus pouted.
"Oh, I know there's no way you'd do something like that… After all, you want to be my slave, don't you?" She leans over, smirking.
...I slide the gag off the fluffle's mouth.
"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"
"You piece of shit!" She roars, attempting to flee with her sack as the explosions started echoing nearby, dust whirling, books soaring, and shelves exploding.
I'm sent hurtling to the side as one of the bombs goes off near my vicinity, but I'm generally okay.
"Waaaaal!"
"Waaall-aaaallll!" The fluffles were a little shaken, though.
I moved towards the brown sack holding the books, and saw the fluffle near it.
"Re-" I slid the gag over its mouth. "Bmm! Rrr-Bmm!"
I look around; apparently the succubus had split. In any case, I could probably get half a reward for bringing half the books to Patchouli. That'd probably give her incentive to find me some proper English spell tomes, at the very least.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
I arrive at the study to see the succubus already talking with her mistress.
"Well, you see… He took the books, and there were fluffles, and uh…" she trailed off.
Patchouli looked up lazily. "...I doubt he could have caused the absurd chain of explosions and gunfire I heard. Koakuma, tell me the truth."
The succubus, apparently named Koakuma, flails her arms. "Whah- well, I mean… He allied with them! He's a fluffle mongerer!"
Patchouli sighed. "Look, I don't have the time for this. I appreciate the half of the books you got back, Koakuma, but right now I think it'd be best if you walked away and rethought this conversation."
Koakuma sighed, "Fine… Fi~ne…" and with that, she stormed off, giving me a dark expression as she walked past me. Making enemies is my speciality!
The librarian stares at the sack of books I have. "Ah, I see you pulled your weight as well. Very good. Did you find the books you were looking for?"
I shake my head. "I meant tomes. You know, like magic? Not novels."
She nodded. "Aaah, right, right... "... and resumed reading.
…
"...Well?" I inquired.
"...Hmm?" Patchouli didn't bother to look up at me.
I mentally groaned. "...I'd like to find some magical, English tomes. Not in 'ye olden English' either, something I could read."
Patchouli still didn't bother to look up. "Then you're out of luck. They're rare and notoriously bad in quality. Give up."
I wasn't taking that for an answer. "That idiot from before had magic, I'm sure of it!"
...I didn't see him directly cast spells, so I was going off on a limb here, but…
Patchouli shut her book. "...Genuinely? Fine. Fine… Marisa?" She turned to Marisa, who had her head deep in some book with plant illustrations on it.
"Hawahzat?" Marisa replied, not totally paying attention.
"The boy wants to learn the basics. Go nuts."
Marisa turned to her. "Patchy, ze… I'm a bit busy here, could you…"
Patchouli groaned. "Look, I really don't have time for this…"
Marisa groaned in return. "I really don't have time for this either…!"
I groaned because the situation was groanable. "Can we stop groaning like cavemen and actually do something!?"
… The two mages stared at me. "Not with that attitude, we're not." Patchouli replied, opening her book again.
Marisa shook her head, "Look, some other time, okay…?" and opened her book again.
Alright, fuck it. I took that one fluffle out of the sack… "...Hello there, Serious Sam!"
"Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm! Rrr-bmm!"
The two mages ignored the muffled cries of the fluffle.
I slid the gag off. "Happy days."
"Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!_Re-Bomb!"
And so, the study exploded.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
We all sat in a circle around a charred pile of books and furniture parts.
"...Why…" Patchouli let out a hollow protest.
Marisa sat with her arms folded. "...Fff….uuuu-" She was interrupted by coughing from the dust.
I grinned sheepishly. "...Fluffles are dangerous, aren't they?"
Patchouli turned to me slowly and glared at me, muttering words between coughs and wheezes. "...I will… destroy… you…"
Marisa jumps up into a standing position and glares at me. "You want to learn magic!? You want to fucking learn magic!? Here's some magic for ya!"
I'm forced to do the same, except I also have to dance to the back a little as some stars fall from the sky, landing where my feet were moments ago.
"Here!"
I see a large star form, and I run to the right as it bounces against the floor to my left.
"And this!"
Yet another large star formed, and this time I leapt to the right.
"And here's the last lesson!"
A storm of said stars formed, and I was forced to run in the direct opposite direction as large yellow stars that weren't danmaku but didn't seem elemental either crashed down against the floor behind me. After a good moment of running, the stars ceased.
Marisa seemed to have calmed down. "...Dumbass." ...a little.
Patchouli floated to her feet. "... Huuaahhh…" she let out an unhealthy moan as she began casting a spell. I heard a buzzing sound, and started running around haphazardly.
Thunk! Buzzz~!
I look behind me to see a saw blade propel itself across the floor. Oh, boy.
Thunk! Buzzz~!
I avoid yet another saw blade as it lags behind me.
Thunk-Thunk-Thunk! BUZZZZZ…!
I'm forced to dive as three really fast saw blades land right next to me and quickly zoom off into the rubble of some shelves, sawing into them with great ferocity before finally disappearing. Getting feisty now, aren't we?
Having sufficiently blown their steam, the two magi settled for glaring at me.
"...So, about that magic…" I begin, rubbing my hands together like some eighties cartoon villain.
Patchouli blinked at me. "...Marisa, I have a feeling he won't leave us alone unless we reciprocate."
Marisa huffed. "Well… fine! What do you want to learn?"
I brought my hand to my chin. "Hmmm…"
I had options here: Marisa's pretty little star spells, that book of bombs the fluffle has, or…
Marisa grabs me by the shoulders while I'm thinking. "C'mon, c'mon! I don't have all da~y!" she shouts, rage building further.
"Marisa."
She lets go of me and sighs loudly. "Uuugh…"
"Abusing the simpleton won't get this done any faster. I would know this best of anyone." Patchouli smirked at Marisa.
"Hey! Whad're you tryina' say!?" Marisa pivoted around and yelled comedically at her friend.
I speak up. "If there's any spell I'd like right now… it'd be that one you just used, Patchouli." I grinned. Saw blades, indeed!
She took a moment of consideration "...Very well."
Excellent!
"I'll teach you the basic level of saw blade. It's a rather simple pre-worked spell that most beginners should be able to cast with little trouble. The biggest downside is that you'd need to be an experienced mage to properly work beyond the limited scope of the spell's pre-designed aspects. Metal magic's not a field many mages go into, mind you." Patchouli explains, nodding as she finishes.
I nod absentmindedly. "Yes, yes, very good. How does one learn this spell?"
"...Right." Patchouli shakes her head. "Let's begin. Since it's a pre-designed and rather stiff spell, I'm just going to embed the method behind it in your mana pool; you should be able to feel it, provided you haven't learned any other spells yet."
I say nothing and wait, and she takes this as a sign to continue. She floats up to me and floats behind me.
"What exactly does this process entail…?" I ask.
"A good night's rest and preferably a mana potion in the morning. Also, I hope you didn't have plans for the next few hours." Patchouli explains.
Wait, what?
I try to turn and address her, to see if there was another method, but it seemed I was too late. As I turned, I spiraled to the floor and was out like a light.
Thud.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
"...You sure teaching him how to rain saw blades from the sky was a good idea?" Marisa looked at her friend skeptically.
Patchouli floats back towards her battered desk pieces and begins levitating them. "With any luck, he'll cut himself with it or something and be too afraid to ever cast it again."
Marisa nods. "I guess it's not our problem, then. Should we, uh…?" She looks to the fallen me on the floor.
Patchouli looks towards my unconscious body. "...I'll call for a maid- I mean, you'll call for a maid to bring him to a guest bed or something."
Marisa groans. "Why me~?"
"Because I'm going to be rebuilding this study for the next hour or so." The mage nodded.
"...Alright." Marisa reluctantly agreed, and flew off to find a maid.
Before you question why I can seemingly tell what's going on while unconscious, please remember that the authors do not give a damn about the fourth wall. Also, I won't remember this.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
As much as I would have preferred to keep sleeping, I'm nudged to awaken.
I groggily open my eyes to see some generic maid nudging me.
"I was told to wake you up, but I've been here nudging you for several hours." She looked immensely bored. "It's better than working on the drywall, though."
… I try to go back to-
The maid shoves a mana potion in my mouth. "I was also told to feed you this. Feed on it."
Ghurk! Gahk!...
Glug-glug-glug-glug…
Once it was empty, she tore it from my lips and tossed it away. "There. Now get up."
I felt surprisingly energized after that, but… I roll over and try to catch some more shut-eye, if only to spite her.
I end up rolling off the bed after she kicks me off it. "Wake the fuck up!"
I take the blanket with me, and curl up with it on the floor.
"...Okay, that's awake enough. I'll show her how awake you are."
The green-haired fairy maid lifts me, blanket and all, and walks out with me, kicking the door to the room open and continuing down the hall with me.
…
After a while of running, we stop at a door and the fairy maid kicks it open, a loud squeak emitting from it, giving me another reason to be awake and alert, except I choose not to be.
"Here!" the maid shouts exhaustedly. "He's awake! Fuck him!" She tosses me on the floor. "Gaa~h!" she yells, flying away.
…
Remilia blinks, "...Alright, then." and takes a sip from her teacup. She's seated at this dainty little tea table.
I rise from the blankets on the floor, and point at her. "I have devised the perfect strategy!"
She blinks again. "...Okay?"
I try to focus on the saw blade spell from earlier, and interestingly something seems to just click. I throw my hand to the air, and focus on creating the disc. Then, I throw my hand forward, and the blade mobilizes.
Thunk! Buzzz~!
The blade lethargically travels towards Remilia, cutting along the floor as I feel my will to live suddenly plummet, which was presumably my mana pool crying out in pain.
Remilia stared at it as it neared her tea table, before she calmly rose from her chair, and did some kind of leap at a very smooth arc at blinding speeds, leaving only a blur. She landed in front of her tea table, and stuck out an open palm.
~zzzzz-!
Remilia caught it with one hand, completely stopping all of its movement. Then, she lifted it up, and I felt like ducking would be a good idea.
Woosh!
The blade soared over my head as I did so, flying out of the open door behind me and sailing straight through the hallway wall outside, leaving only a slit in it where it entered.
"I just got that new tea table. I didn't want to see it damaged within twenty-four hours of purchase." she calmly stated, walking back to it.
I chuckle. "Do you not get insurance on your goods?"
"When it comes to the gap youkai, no." Remilia responds. "In any case, that was literally all of your usable mana pool in that one attack, so I don't think I have anything to be afraid of."
I roll my eyes. "Does it not occur to you that one can be dangerous and not be a magic user?"
Remilia in turn rolls her eyes. "Right. Because some human like you can very clearly outperform those of even your own kind."
I nod. "Quite so, actually. Maybe not so much those that are more than human, though."
Remilia shrugs. "Mmhmm."
I walk up to the tea table, pull out a chair, and take a seat.
"...I'd call for Sakuya, but I have a feeling with how unhinged she's been lately, you'd just get hurt in the process." Remilia adds. "So you'll just have to do without."
I see the kettle and empty cup at my table. "You mean… I have to lift the cups myself!? A tragedy, to be sure!"
She snorts. "Oh, does that fall within your capabilities? After a spell like that last one, I was uncertain if you were fit to even leave the room."
"You say that, but I am certain you've never even left your room long enough to see the sun." ...I say that, but considering the amount of time I sit at home in a dark room using the computer, I'm not much one to talk.
Remilia smiles, "Well, at the very least you know your vampires. Or, at least, you think you do." and sips from her teacup.
"I recognize that spell from Patchouli. Although, the way you casted it was so incredibly sloppy that she ought to be insulted." she nodded. "Actually, I'm sure of it, too. I suppose I'll tell her later."
I turn and look at the hole in the wall in the hallway from my seat. "And you were sloppy at maintaining your house properly. Why don't I tell your maintenance workers that you willingly demolish your property? Perhaps to create more work for them, even?" I grin.
Remilia shrugs. "Wouldn't be the first time my sister and I have destroyed the entire mansion." Figures. I suppose the maintenance workers don't give a shit, then. At least, not that much. That one that came to wake me up sure gave a shit, though…
She sips her tea again, and I just sit there and contemplate life. I'd comment on the weather, but I've been in the mansion so long that that would be quite difficult.
"Patchouli did teach you that spell, right?" Remilia questioned before taking yet another sip of her tea.
I nod. "Technically, yes." More like 'drilled it into my memory', but I did learn it from her.
"Good, good. My assumption was correct, then. Quite fortunate that you used something recognizable like that, I suppose." Sip.
"As opposed to something else of similar caliber?" I comment, grinning.
"I suppose. If you had used something I didn't recognize, however, you'd probably be dead right now."
She sipped her tea again.
"...Looks like my cup's empty." ...and went to pour herself some more.
I observed the pattern on the tea table. Simple floral design in the metal, and it was entirely white… I'll remember that.
...And if anything, she's simply threatening me for dominance of the situation. "That's nice. I'm alive right now, though, so I think that doesn't matter."
Remilia chuckles at that. "Right. Apparently it doesn't."
With that, she continues sipping her tea.
Sip.
…
I take the whole kettle and bring it to my mouth.
Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…
Hah…
…
Remilia was beaming. "You know, I'd be more angry if you did know what was in that tea."
"Sugar and water and herbs." I reply, smacking my lips as I sat the kettle down. It was a tad… non-tea-like, though.
"You're missing one…" Remilia was really having a giggle at this.
"...Is it some secret spice aristocrats like to drink?" I add, brow raised.
"In a wa~y…"
I eyed the empty kettle curiously. "Alright… what is it?"
"Human blood."
...I shrug. I've licked my own blood too much to care. "That's what it was. Iron is what makes the taste different, right?"
Remilia looks a bit disappointed at my reaction. "...Usually you humans complain of diseases or something, even though it's not like I would drink something so filthy anyway. Sakuya makes sure of that."
Even so, "I doubt a little blood tea is going to give me anything serious any time soon."
Remilia chuckles. "Try telling that to anyone else of your species."
You see, the real issue with drinking blood is the concentrated levels of iron, which can kill. Considering it was only vaguely in the tea, Remilia probably only accents it with blood or something. Different blood types aren't really a problem because you're supposed to digest it, not infuse your bloodstream with it. Nothing to worry about, overall.
...Also, excess blood tastes like shit and I probably would have spat it out, but that's besides the point.
In any case, there was no more tea to drink! Today is sad day!
Sip.
...I should have emptied the kettle before she refilled that cup.
…
I hear footsteps from the hallway, and when I turn again, Youmu runs in.
"You!" Me! Mu? Youmu!
I stand up. "Hello, Nana!"
"We need to go, like, right now!" Youmu desperately yells.
Remilia reaches for the kettle. "Why not slow down and have some…" She suddenly remembers upon tipping it that I drank it all. "...Hmph."
Youmu wasn't paying attention though. "Come on!" She grabbed onto my arm and started dragging me along. She pressed a button on the radar thing, and a gap appeared.
"Hello~!" Yukari exclaims, entering the room. She looks around somewhat surprised. "The mansion? Weren't you sent to the store?... I won't even bother to ask."
Remilia glares at Yukari. "And just what are you doing here?"
"Collecting liabilities, little vampire." Yukari replied with a carefree expression.
At the door, the special forces fairies arrived to apprehend Youmu, but all things considered that was probably too late.
"Shock treatment prescribed!" I heard static sounds fill the hallway…
"Not them!" Youmu backs away fearfully, apparently having had a bad time getting here.
Yukari whistles and snaps her fingers. "Here. Hello! I'm here! Get in!"
Youmu snaps out of it and throws me over her shoulder and runs for the gap. The taser fairy enters the room, and Youmu opts for just throwing me into the gap before she gets stunned.
"Here! Yuka-bazazzazzaztztzt!" Youmu began convulsing, the electricity running up and down her body as she collapsed to the floor.
"I've got fifty thousand volts here with your name on them!"
Yukari dove back within her gap, and I soared into the gap against my will, which promptly dumped me on my stomach in front of Hakugyokurou.
...Well, shit.
/ / / / BANJO KASMOOVIES / / / /
CHAPTER 14.5 END
PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider
PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human male. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!
INVENTORY:
Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!
Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.
Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.
Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.
A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.
A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!
Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.
(2 more empty spaces)
PARTY:
Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.
INVENTORY:
Finsticuffs.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
this took a FREAKIN WHILE TO WRITE, and as i type this i'm beginning to write chapter EIGHTEEN.
btw finsticuffs are cuddly ; 3
...i suppose i'm still going at like MACH TEN compared to other fanfic writers, so i'm not THAT BAD but by my standards this is LETHARGIC
again, if i'm not done with the incident (read: NOT EVEN STARTED AS OF WRITING THIS) then i'll just publish everything i have on christmas eve because ye ye ye mrry crsms
yeah i just shove matt into hakugfhgfdh by the time im done because convenience and two plus chapters of this at a time could get a li~ttle demanding, esp. where my SLOW WORK ETHIC is considered.
as always, see you all next time!
CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:
HE TAKES FOREVER TO DO THIS.
AND IS VERY INCONSISTENT WITH WHAT HE DOES. (a/n SON IT'S CHRISTMAS AYSDFSD aye gotta gives the READERS a PRESENT… of the RELEASE TAKING TWO MONTHS INSTEAD OF THREE)
ANOTHER HALF CHAPTER MAY ARRIVE IN LIKE TWO OR MORE MONTHS FROM NOW- or never- SO IF YOU HAPPEN TO LIKE THIS SORT OF THING THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A WHILE
also mrry crsms
(a/n LETS ALSO STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS) (ca/n NO)
(a/n new year's resolution: WRITE FASTER… with CONSISTENT QUALITY)
