(in which we ransack a puppeteer's house)

I am still in the bed upon awakening! Good morning, world!

Opening my eyes, I find myself embraced by a person! I suspect it to be Sakuya, but upon turning my head…

"...Maaaauuu…"

Ech!

Ha-chan's eyes flutter open, and she smiles at me. "Brad-ku~n…"

Sakuya sits up in the bed, and abruptly stretches, pushing Ha-chan and I off the bed and onto the floor.

"Waaugh! The floor's freakin soggy still~!" I wail from the floor.

"A-ah…" Ha-chan untangles herself from me and maneuvers her way into standing, trying to get away from the dirty floor. Freakin' water-damaged floor, yo…

Flandre was still sleeping like a rock, the bit of blanket she grasped onto not moving an inch despite the numerous activities going on that should have done something about that.

Sakuya stops time as she gets out of bed, and I take that moment to rise from the floor. "Hyonk."

She jumps, shooting her gaze to me for a moment. "...Oh, right. Forgot you could do that."

I grin. "I'm fluffy."

Dusting herself off, the maid resumed time. Ha-chan jumped as I had suddenly skipped ahead. "W-wawah!?"

I pat her on the shoulder. "Ha-chan, baby, yer laggin'! You need to upgrade to a broadband connection, sweetie!"

She tilts her head, even more confused.

My part in the explanations done, I make my way into the main room of the house.

Alice is seated at the absent space where her table used to be, arms folded with a cross expression on her face. "I would like a very good reason why I shouldn't kick you all out by force right now."

I pointed to the bedroom. "Flandre."

Alice blanched. "O-oh, she's in there with you, is she?"

I nod. "Didn't you see her the other night?"

She shook her head. "I don't remember much, but I remember you and Sakuya knocking on the door and asking to enter."

I take a seat at the pretend-table. I notice Kaguya's also seated here! "Hello, me!"

She'd been glaring at me the entire time… "Why do you have my clothes on? And who the hell made you that wig?"

Alice sheepishly smiled. "Ah… I had reasons, you see…"

Kaguya rolled her eyes. "Sure. Su~re!"

She turned back to me. "Do you find that much pleasure being me…?"

Sakuya walks in, Ha-chan and Flandre behind her. "Morning."

I nod my head delightedly. "Yes, Sakuya! It's morning~! You can tell the time!"

A knife whirls by my head. "Don't push it."

"Oh, I'm pushin' it, Sakuya! I'm pushin' it, alright!" I start pushing the pretend-table.

"..." Sakuya slowly closes her eyes, and sighs deeply.

I pause for a moment, and tilt my head. "Lighten up, yo. Your silver hair'll turn freakin' grey if you keep worrying so much."

"Y-yeah! Take it from me, Chief! Having fun is fun!" Ha-chan added debatably helpfully.

"Get a 3DS." Kaguya suggested.

"...Find a hobby?" Alice put out there.

"When did this become a group counseling session?" Sakuya asked, slightly irritated.

I put my hands on my face and pouted exaggeratedly. "When you became a big negative~ nancy~ yo…"

I sit with my fists digging into my cheeks, staring at Sakuya, and she stares back with a straight face. Soon, it develops into a staring contest!

"...Are you guys okay?" Flandre waved her hand between our vision.

"We are in the duel of duels, Flandre. I must win this, and they will let my people go. If I fail, I will be cast to the wibble realm! Oh, shit! Aaaah, aaaahhh!" I start yelling, eyes still locked on Sakuya's.

"W-what? Oh, no! Aaahhh!" Flandre starts yelling.

"What!? M-m-mistress!? Calm down! C-calm… Aaaahhh!" Ha-chan makes for Flandre, but starts yelling too.

"..." Alice stares vainfully at the unfolding scene, allowing her eyes to close as she rubbed her temples.

"...What the fuck even happened? Who the hell are you people!?" Kaguya gave us all a funny look, halfway between amusement and bewilderment.

At that, Sakuya suppressed a chuckle.

"Hah!" I stand up and point at Sakuya. "You have dared to become amused!"

"No- well… no!" Sakuya turned away, huffing. "It was just…"

Sakuya stops time, and takes a deep breath. I stood still, and I assumed she was working out what to do from here...

"...That still doesn't work, you know!" I sprung from my still position!

"O-oh, christ…" Sakuya jerks back in her chair.

"...This is unique." I hear Kaguya active behind me. I assume she's got the passive time resist too!

Sakuya furrows her brows at Kaguya, but dismisses whatever she was thinking, shaking her head. Time resumes!

"I have cornered you, maid of time and space time time!" I pointed at her.

Sakuya paused briefly at my exclamation, but continued. "Have not! You're just blowing things out of proportion!"

Alice raises a brow. "This conversation had proportions?"

I turn to her, acting offended. "...You dare?"

She stares at me.

"...You dare to disgrace the sacred art… of the conversational language!?"

Alice smirks, expecting me to elaborate. I think she knew already…

"I'll have you know a conversation has not only proportions, but possibilities! Pastries! Polarization! Chiefs of staff! Executive… somethings!" I raise my hands grandiosely.

"...Now you're trying too hard." Sakuya, please…

"I dunno, it was okay." Alice shrugged.

Flandre giggled. "It was funny!" I have appealed to a child audience!... well, centuries-old vampire audience. Not like there was a big difference!

Kaguya was completely uninvested. "I'm bored."

I stick out my hand and walk up to her in a glad manner. "Hey, bored. Nice to meet ya!"

Sakuya snorted. "Maybe we should go before you kill someone with your horrible jokes."

Kaguya looked like she wanted to rest her arms and head on a table, but the table was still gone. Not like it'd put itself back together and come walking back in…

A table floated through the gap in the wall it exited through, Alice making hand motions as legs of the table met with the top and dolls floated up to use their lances as makeshift nails for it. Like so, she fixed the table up nicely and sat it down where it should be.

"...It works." Alice justified its appearance.

I shrug. "Snazzy enough."

…"Aaaahhh!" Ha-chan resumes yelling.

"Shut up, you." Sakuya commands her maid.

"Y-yes sir, yes! I mean, sir yes… sir?" Ha-chan furrowed her brows as she tried to remember the order.

"Don't even try. It's chief, I'm not a male. Call me chief." Sakuya begun to glare at her.

"...Sir- oh, no! I mean…"

I slam my hands down on the table. "Double quarter pounder!" I don't even know what those burgers look like!

...Silence. Success!

Alice suddenly twitches. "Oh, right. I have that upgrade for you…" She swipes out the operating cross and tosses it to me shuriken style. I catch it as it whirls towards me with surprising accuracy, and I mentally compliment myself on my luck. Woohoo!

...I also verbally compliment myself on my luck! "You see that catch, yo!? Dayum!"

Sakuya sighs. "Most people here could do that in their sleep, you know."

Ha-chan opens her mouth to speak, but Sakuya holds out a finger.

"I said most. That doesn't include you."

Ha-chan closes her mouth. Good job!

I channel mana into the cross… and keep channeling… and-

London whirls in! Boom, there we go!

London's now adorned with a large lance and plated armor. Its eyes now glow a faint green, adding an intimidating factor to it.

"Behold, the London Combat Assistance Doll, edition three." Alice began, "In addition to Orbital Defense mode, Sentry mode, and Tracking mode, it can now patrol, guard targets, prioritize enemies, and cast basic attack magic of both the physical and elemental varieties. It only knows fire, ice, and thunder though. I had some of these upgrades in the works. She has to have an actual mana pool to work with now, however."

I nod. "Woohohoaah, that's one hell of an upgrade!" It's like, an all-around magi party member!

Alice nods in delight. "Just be sure to recharge its mana pool. You can do it with your own mana, which you also do per revive anyway, and you can do it by pouring mana supplements into her mouth like a real girl!" Alice was really excited about that last part. "...Be aware it does gum up the works, as it will have byproducts. I wanted to implement a realistic waste feature, but I didn't have the time. Instead, she just barfs up whatever she doesn't need from the concoctions you feed her."

I nod. "That's cool." ...I kinda wanted that realistic waste system! Having London crap on the forms of our fallen foes woulda been awesome…

She continued, "...Oh, her mana pool only allows about two or three offensive spells that aren't danmaku. Her normal danmaku functions just fine, and she can hit things perfectly fine with her new Shanghai Lance." To demonstrate, London swings the air after a few seconds of staring at it.

I take the new operating cross, smiling. "This is gonna be good, yo…"

I pocket it, and rub my hands together, grinning.

...London keeps awkwardly swinging and jabbing at the air at a delayed pace.

"...It gets a little rambunctious when it comes to melee attacks." Alice sighs.

"Cuddly, yo." There actually was something cute about how it swung at the air!

Flandre claps her hands. "It's cuddly-looking!" She then runs up to it, and gives it a big hug.

Crunch! Crack!

...London's armor plating began cracking. That's a snug hug!

"H-hey, hey! Don't break it already!" Alice exclaims, getting a bit irate even though it's revivable.

"Aaawww…" Flandre lets go of it and pouts.

We all sat around silently while London swung at the air…

Woosh... Swoosh swoosh…..Woosh!

"So, is everyone ready and awake?" Alice smiles, looking at everyone.

"Yeah." I nod.

"Get out."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The door closes behind us.

"At least we got to wake up, yo." I look on the bright side!

Sakuya stretches. "That bed was a bit cramped… especially with a fairy maid joining us in the middle of the night."

Ha-chan grinned. "Well, can you deny my snuggliness?"

"Yes." Sakuya replied without missing a beat.

"...Aauu…" Ha-chan's shoulders slumped.

Kaguya yawns, and begins to walk off. "I'm going back to bed… I haven't been able to sleep since I last revived. That was like, six hours ago." With that, she walked off into the Forest of Magic by herself.

Sakuya unfurled an umbrella for Flandre. Where the hell did that even come from? "I believe it to be in our best interest to head back to the manor now."

I nod. "Probably for the best. Wait, wasn't it called a vacation and not a single day off?"

She dismissively waved her hand. "Milady's not known to give any more than single days at any given point in a year. I assume this to be the same."

Ha-chan nods in agreement. "One day off a year!"

I smirk. "Not like you get a lot done on duty, anyway."

She smiles, looking away, while Sakuya glares at her. "Oh, don't worry. I'll see to it that she has plenty to do on duty."

Now her smile's more out of fear than amusement! "A-ahah…"

And so, we began our trek back to the manor!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Meiling shook her head. "Mistress said vacation, not day off."

"Wha~t!?" Sakuya bellowed, before stopping to compose herself. "Well, how long is this 'vacation' supposed to be, then?"

Meiling took out a letter. "I was actually going to have the tengu mail this to you, but…"

The letter was promptly ripped out of Meiling's hand, and Sakuya opened it quickly with a flick of the knife. The letter smoothly slid out, and she unfolded it without a hitch. I wish I could open letters without freakin' tearing the cover apart…!

I looked over Sakuya's shoulder as she read the letter silently…

"Dear Sakuya,

I've devised the perfect trial for a perfectly elegant maid, and I'm sure you've got the guts to pull it off. You're my maid, after all. You must locate three jewels I've hidden throughout Gensokyo- and they're in some of the most appropriate places, after all. I'm sure with the fun you've been having, and will continue to have, you'll find them all in no time. Topaz, sapphire, and ruby are the three gems- each imbued with powerful magic that accents their color, if only to make them easier to find.

Best of luck,

~ Remilia Scarlet"

"...Sounds like a generic fetch quest!" Let's not do one of those!

Sakuya groaned. "Mistress is in a playful mood again…"

I look over to Meiling, seeing her rub Flandre's head. "Oh, yeah. You can't have Flandre helping you, she says. You're just supposed to find her and bring her back here… which you did. Good job, I guess!"

Flandre looked up at her curiously. "Why can't I go with them?"

Meiling smiles. "Remi has special treats for you inside!"

Unable to resist the temptation of fun treats, Flandre perks up and immediately heads inside when Meiling pretends to look away.

"W-what about me…?" Ha-chan asks.

Meiling shrugs. "Mistress said nothing about you, so I guess you're fine. I dunno what she's planning, but it sounds exciting! I wish I could come along, but uh…"

Sakuya stuck her hand out. "It's fine, it's fine. Come along, Brad. We're leaving."

I tilt my head. "Huh. I'm usually the one to mobilize!"

Ha-chan and I tail along behind Sakuya as we begin to power walk towards the lake…

...I say that, but Sakuya was floating lightly the whole way. Ha-chan still power walked with me though!

...Once we were a good distance away, I turned to Sakuya. "Let's just grab some rocks that are colored vaguely like the gems or something. I bet if we enchant them, she won't tell!"

Sakuya looked at me curiously for a moment, contemplating the idea. "...That probably wouldn't go well. I say we should still-"

Nope! "Vacations are about fun, friend. Not fetch quests!" I wave my finger at Sakuya.

"...You know what? I think you may be onto something…" She agrees with me! "I've… not been myself at the manor recently. I don't think hunting for gems will help, even if the mistress thinks it so."

… I wonder. "Hey Sakuya, do you have a pen on you by chance?"

She pulls out one of those old feather quill pens. "No ink." she provides.

...I wanted to 'edit' Remilia's letter, but I guess I couldn't do that for now! "Well…" I suppose I could always bring us somewhere I felt like going. I also didn't know where I wanted to go! "Follow me, friend!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We came up to the shrine's steps, but I don't think visiting Reimu would be entirely productive. We walked past the shrine, only to hear footsteps behind us….

"...Would any of you three happen to know what happened to my kotatsu?..." Reimu lowly asks as she catches up to us.

I whirl around and back away, hands prosed. "Yo, no! I dunno, yo! Me no see, no no! Ooo~h!"

"...C'mere." Reimu starts power-walking.

"Oh, shit!" I begin dashing down the path!

"R-Reimu, don't you-" Blam! "G-gfuh…" I heard violence happening to Sakuya behind me!

"R-Rei…" Thwack! "Aaauu!" Ha-chan's getting freakin' munched on, yo!

I I hear Ha-chan's cries of terror behind me a good ways, making me believe I was safe-ish. I mean, if Reimu was back there-

Reimu floats down ahead of me. "... Now it's down to you and me, you curly haired freak." Woohoohooaah!

I pull out Swift Brand clumsily. "Don't make me use th-"

Thwack!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya and I bowed apologetically in front of the Hakurei miko.

"I am very, very sorry we accidentally'd your kotatsu last night." I recited.

Reimu turns to Sakuya.

"...My mistress will accept any fees you charge." she sighs.

"...No, she won't." Reimu decides.

Sakuya blinks. "What?"

Reimu grins. "You're on vacation, are you not? If you're not on duty… then your actions aren't the fault of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, now are they?"

Sakuya's eyes widen. "A-ah… Right."

Sticking out a hand, Reimu looks away dismissively. "Thirty-seven thousand yen. That was how much it costed. I just bought it, too, and it wasn't even with my own money."

Sakuya winced. "W-well… I… don't carry that kind of money… on me…"

Reimu groaned. "What kind of money do you carry, then? Has Remilia finally grown arrogant enough to make her own stupid currency, or something?"

Her gaze shifted to me. "Well, if she can't pay, you will."

I shrug exaggeratedly. "I don't carry this thing you call money! I'm flat freakin' broke!"

Her expression turns dark. "Then you had best start working your asses off, because I'm not letting you three out of my sight until you cough up the yen for a new kotatsu."

Ha-chan blanches, sitting in the corner in the fetal position. "W-why me!?"

...Heyo! Idea! "Hey, Reimu? Why don't we just steal a kotatsu from the loony lunar people at the clinic?" I bet Kaguya had a pile of them somewhere. That place was like, a furniture warehouse… if you considered all the carefully placed not-for-sale furniture to be for sale… and by for sale, I mean free to take whenever you please.

...Besides, it was something to do!

She turns to me with a blank expression… which slowly shifts into a beaming, gleeful one. "Perfect. Come along, you three. We're going to go plunder some furniture. We'll steal an entire hallway's worth! No, we'll steal more!" Her eyes light up, hype building.

... I turn to Sakuya and whisper to her. "I think Reimu's finally gone off the deep end, yo…"

She snorts, glancing me. "I think she's just a little needy right now…"

"What are you two bozos whispering about over there?" Reimu glares at us suddenly.

"Ah- oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Definitely not about you. Super definitely not about you. I mean, all we were discussing is, uh… something… red?" I trail off, grinning sheepishly.

Sakuya stares at me. "...You suck."

Reimu rolls her eyes. "Alright, don't wanna know. Less talking, more stealing. Let's go, go go!" Reimu grabs the both of us and flies out of the shrine, pulling us along with her.

...Suika's head pops out of the floor, tearing the wood open, and she yawns. "...That was a nice spot…"

She looked to Ha-chan, who was still in the corner. "...Huh. I don't remember sleeping in the… oh…" Suika realized she smashed the floor. "...This place needed an excuse to be refurbished anyway…"

Crawling out of the floor, she made her way to Ha-chan…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We were cutting directly through forestry and plains to reach the bamboo woods, forsaking the notion of simply taking the debatably safe dirt road.

As the three of us wandered through the clearing- and while I contemplate what the hell happened to Ha-chan, 'cause she's not here- things leap out before us!

Fluffles leap from the bushes with little iron broadswords and wooden shields, along with some Marisa yukkuri and some little bush people things with arms.

"...What?" Reimu furrows her brows.

"They're friendly, dude." I state, casually walking towards them, only to jump back as a fluffle lunged at me with its broadsword. "Nevermind, they're not friendly!"

"Take it easy!" One of the two yukkuri Marisa's leapt towards Sakuya, and she shielded herself with her arms, easily blocking the tackle.

"AaAAAaah!" A high-pitched scream from the bushy friend caused us all to flinch instinctively.

"Geez-us! Relative of the mandragora or what?" I reach for my ears, rubbing them.

Sakuya took this moment to toss her Crimson Jazz daggers forward at one of the bush monster things, and it lit on fire and exploded into a mess of leaves.

At this prospect, the two yukkuri Marisa became furious. I pulled out Deep Blue, and channeling my mana, I slammed it into the floor.

"Drop dead, easy!" A Marisa yukkuri was bouncing up and down in place with fury, while its friend leapt towards Sakuya again, who punched it out of the way this time.

Fwuuuush!

A small geyser shot from the floor, sending the angry yukkuri Marisa into the air.

"Eeeaaa~sy!" it yelled, before falling to the floor, witch hat being cast away from it as it fell.

Splat!

Welp, rest in peace!

"Marisa, nwoo~!" yelled the other yukkuri, its face mashed in from the punch.

"Waaal!" A fluffle warrior leapt towards me, and I blocked a sword blow. Stumbling backwards, I managed to avoid a freakin' legendary series of slashes and jabs from the angry fluffle.

"Holy shit!" This thing wanted me dead!

A yin-yang orb from the heavens fell and crushed it flat, the broadsword and shield uselessly falling to the floor as the fluffle was freakin' demolished.

I saw something flying towards me really fast in my peripheral vision, and I swung Deep Blue at it instinctively.

Thunk! Swash!

...My hanger had bits of paste dripping from it, the yukkuri it struck having been gibbed by the impact. Bits of the Marisa yukkuri splashed across the floor.

"Why are the cuddly things violent!?" I yell, eying the puddle of paste.

"Waaaal!" The second fluffy warrior charged towards Reimu, but after it slashed Reimu vanished and appeared behind it, a flying kick beheading the fluffle, who promptly collapsed into dust.

The final bush friend walked towards Sakuya and threw its arms into the air, attempting to lift her by the ankles. It managed to throw her off balance, but a clumsy kick from her sent it flying.

I ran towards it and brought Deep Blue down on it, and it exploded into leaves on impact.

Reimu sighed. "I wonder what those little bush youkai were doing with the fluffles and yukkuri…"

"...My question is why they were just going around assaulting people." Sakuya stood, dusting herself off from the tumble she took earlier when she lost her balance.

I begin putting away my plant hanger… "I dunno, but they were easy enemies, at the very least!"

We continued for awhile and eventually we reached a field, the bamboo forest clearly on the other side.

"Heyo! We're a good ways there!" I exclaim.

"We have eyes." Sakuya jabs.

"And functioning memories." Reimu joins her.

They both turn to me. "Now be quiet."

They then pause and look at each other, before bumping fists. Yo ho ho…! Even though I just got freakin' owned, that was awesome!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walked up to the bamboo forest's edge, and the two girls prepared to fly over it.

"...Help, friends!" I call up to them as they begin floating away.

"Don't feel like it." Reimu keeps floating away above the trees.

"I'm sure you're more than capable of finding your own way, all things considered. Besides… I don't really feel like it, either." Sakuya proceeds to float off with Reimu.

...Freakin' idiots! How're you gonna steal anything when you leave behind the man with the hammerspace sack!?

I could fly after them, but I spent most of the day without flying flail-style and didn't really feel like it right now…

Entering the bamboo woods, I clumsily trudged through the thick bamboo, getting my ass kicked by the occasional series of branches that really didn't want me to bypass them, but I did anyway. Curiously, there were series of vines here and there that moved and twitched, covered in thorns and hanging onto some of the bamboo. Youkai weeds, perhaps? Hmmm…

Oh, hey! Fluffy people!

"Waaaal!" It was one of those tan mage-y types… and he was getting pissed!

"Waaa-rrrg…" A quadrupedal fluffle growled, and started circling me. It was painfully adorable, but I had to take arms against these threats anyway! I pulled out Swift Brand, ready for some action!

The quadrupedal fluffle lunged at me, and I swiped it away, sending it sprawling. It feverishly raised and charged again, and I stomped it to the floor as it came by. I was then struck by tan danmaku from directly ahead because I'm a freakin' idiot and only paying attention to the little cuddly bastard.

"Haaugh!" I yell. Danmaku never stopped being painful!

"Waaal!" The mage closed in on me, getting ballsier, and as it neared I leapt, doing a double jump as it tried to float away, and brought Swift Brand down in its head. There wasn't quite a satisfying thunk, but I hit the thing.

The fluffle unceremoniously shot straight to the floor, crushed mage hat sitting atop it as it stayed still. The staff it held tumbled away, and I neared it to finish it off.

"Wararallaal!" I felt the savage fluffle from before latch onto my ankle, and start doing fluffy things to it.

… Ignoring that for now, I slammed Swift Brand down on the head of the fluffy magi menace.

Poof…

The corpse exploded into dust!

I looked down at my ankle to see the fluffle unsuccessfully using its shell nose to gnaw at it. It was soft, and warm to the touch…!

"C'mere, friend…" I lifted the fluffle, and hugged it.

It cooed lightly, before submitting to the cuddles. Fluffy.

I heard some unpleasant shifting beneath the ground, and I jumped away as vines erupted from the floor, attempting to skewer me where I stood.

"Oh, jesus fuck! I'm out! We're leaving, Stanley!" I named it Stanley, because it was… Stanley-like? Regardless, it was freakin' huggable.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Surprisingly quickly, I found myself at Eientei just by walking forward. That's… not how the forest used to work. Arriving there still well after the miko and the maid, I was greeted to some rabbits shooting the chunkier vines to bits, while other rabbits in biohazard suits walked around spraying some sort of green gas…

I walked inside, ready to see what all the hubbub was about. I see Reimu and Sakuya talking with Reisen at the front counter, and Reisen looked rather dapper with her sniper rifle in her arms as she manned the front counter.

"Well, things have been… hectic lately." Reisen started explaining something as I walked up!

"Do tell…" Reimu warily gestured her to elaborate.

"You see, these vines have been popping up in the forest lately, as I'm sure you saw on the way in…" she began, "Tewi was the first to take notice of them, and we didn't think much of a few living vines here or there; they weren't entirely unheard of, afterall. But these ones began spreading, and before we knew it, the bamboo forest began losing its inherent maze-like qualities…"

The door behind us slammed open, and in walked a scratched up Mokou.

"Those damned vines… they don't like fire very much, b-but... " She paused, lurching over and coughing violently.

Reisen looks at her, eyebrows conveying concern. "A-are you… okay?"

After a violent coughing session, Mokou stumbles over to the counter. "D-do I fuckin' sound okay to you? Get me the-" Her voice failed her and she began hacking again.

"I-I'll go fetch Yagokoro-sama… You stay here, alright?" Reisen then moves deeper into the complex, seeking Eirin.

"A-as if I'd fuckin' go- Ach…" Mokou bends over, wheezing. "F-fuck…"

I look at her with a look of pity. "Colds suck."

She glares back at me. "T-this isn't some shitty cold… I don't even get colds anym-" Coughing!

Sakuya sighs. "... Whatever's affecting the immortal must be a pretty potent poison."

"Indeed. It is infact, quite a dire poison… were they not as they are, in any case." Eirin walked out from the depths of the healy-place; I didn't know whether to call it a hospital, mansion, or clinic!

Behind her, Reisen wheeled out a stretcher, which had Kaguya on it, with a laptop.

"O-oh, hey… it's you." Kaguya spoke with a low, ragged tone, before coughing.

Eirin opted to stare at Kaguya for a moment before continuing. "...Yes, well, our very own princess here attempted to take matters into her own hands upon returning from unknown whereabouts the other day, only for the vines to severely poison her as well. Were she not immortal, she should have died within hours due to the toxicity of the poison. However, due to her immortality… it's just given her a bad case of strep throat, essentially."

Mokou grinned at her. "Hah! You're not such tough sh-shit, Kagu- wah!" Her balance faltered, and she collapsed to the floor.

Eirin facepalmed. "Alright… into bed you go." She then proceeded to lift Mokou up, and put her onto the stretcher with Kaguya, not bothering to be careful or precise with the motion.

"E-Eirin! What gives!?" Kaguya yelled, trying to edge away from Mokou.

"F-fu-" More coughing! "Damn it…"

Reisen began carting the two away. "Alright, trash bags are attached to the bottom of the…" Her voice trailed off as they proceeded down the hallways.

...Speaking of things that sucked…! "Hey, Eirin… I've been having bad dreams lately!" They were all fluffy… and scea~ry!

Eirin didn't even turn to glance at me as she tossed me a pill bottle. "Consider it on the house for this whole vine problem, if you manage to get it done, that is. If you die, then I'll just bill the Yama and be done with it." Oh, if only lawyers back in the United States could literally sue religious and spiritual entities for the cash owed by the departed.

I looked at the bottle of Butterfly Dream Pills, and stashed them in my sack. Maybe I could give these to Alice as another favor or something, because shady drugs were just not my style!

Eirin started to head back into the innards of the… hospital? Clinic? Place! "I'll leave you three to do what you do best. The rabbits will help you, by the way."

"...I say we come back and handle the vines after we do what we need to do. I've got things to do, and I also feel that this whole situation might resolve itself. Those rabbits outside looked more than capable, and once Yagokoro inevitably develops a cure, this situation should turn itself around quite fast." Sakuya announced her plan of action to us.

Reimu nods. "Let's just steal stuff and get out of here."

I grin. "Yeah, I really don't wanna fuck with those vines right now. They sound a little too badass for me to be fighting." I hate gardening, anyway. I was never good with plants! Freakin', regardless of how I watered them, they always died!

We entered a different hallway and began stealing all the furniture we could see; Sakuya helped because the mansion needed furnishings, Reimu needed money, and I… needed to get that guy from like a few chapters ago his shit back!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We all dove out of the window of Kaguya's room, which was unoccupied since the princess was probably being treated for the deadly toxins kicking her ass as we speak. We proceeded to slide down the roof, and the two girls made sure I didn't fall to leg-breaking agony when we reached the bottom.

"This is great!" Reimu was beaming! "I'll get a kotatsu and a new micro-toaster oven from the kappa in no time with this!" … The fuck was a micro-toaster, and where could I get one!?

"Milady will be pleased with the new furnishings, I'm sure." Sakuya smiled to herself.

"I get to clear my conscience for that time I made that one boat!" I exclaimed, twirling my sack.

Sakuya looked at me, smiling. "Yeah, never do that again."

I grin. "Don't worry yo, I won't. Probably."

Staring at the yard ahead of us, the vine situation seemed slightly worse. To add to the warzone that the outside of Eientei had become, yukkuri, fluffles, and bush youkai were all feverishly getting in on the action and dying swiftly.

I jumped as a rabbit girl with maroon hair standing beside us let loose a barrage of energy bolts from her sci-fi assault rifle, presumably of some kind of lunar origin. I stumbled out of the way as she ran forward, only for a giant Alice-type yukkuri to fall from the sky and land on her.

"Take it easy~!" it bellowed.

I frowned. "Get me the heck outta here!"

Reimu scoffed at me. "Seriously? It's a yukkuri. Look, it might be big, but just hit it with your-"

The yukkuri Alice hopped into the air, and upon landing, not only were a variety of yukkuri Marisa and Reimu at her side, but all the surrounding yukkuri, fluffles, and bush youkai ceased futily assaulting the vines or the bunnies, instead opting to turn their attention to the huge yukkuri Alice.

"...Huh. That's new." Reimu shrugged.

I pulled out Deep Blue, ready to disembowel the pasty abomination with a geyser.

"Take it over, easy!" boomed the huge yukkuri, and it leaped into the air again. Upon landing, numerous oversized sewing needles started shooting up from the floor, and Sakuya stopped time on reflex as they neared at alarming speed in a linear path towards us.

"Oh…" Sakuya let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, as she navigated out of the way of the needle barrage. I lifted a frozen Reimu and dragged her out of the way, and then time resumed.

Shink-shink-shink-shink!

The needles extended beyond our positions, and into the glass door that was the front of the reception front-room of Eientei, shattering the glass.

"Freakin', I've had enough of your pasty shenanigans!" I slammed Deep Blue into the floor.

Fwuuuush!

The yukkuri Alice levitated into the air lightly, before dropping back down largely unaffected. "Take it easy!" it roared.

"I think I pissed it off!" I exclaimed, brandishing Flame Dispenser. They had to be weak to fire, right?

Reimu readied herself. "You think!?"

Sakuya was busy tending to some of the lesser mooks, igniting bush people and fluffles that dared charge her.

The giant Alice yukkuri bobbed in place violently, the pasty bottom of it swirling as it seemed to be casting a spell. I think. Did yukkuri have mana pools?

Suddenly, explosions of fire starting erupting around us!

"Brad! Duck!" I immediately did as said and Reimu ducked with me, a barrier forming over us as the explosions picked up and the barrier over us was seared and charred once all was said and done.

"...Just a yukkuri." I emphasized. That thing just cast a fucking fire storm on our asses! We woulda been cooked if Reimu wasn't up to par with her barrier skills!

"Holy shit…" Reimu stared at the yukkuri, disturbed.

"Take it easy!" No! Not easy! Not when you're trying to cook us!

Reimu stood, and a series of yin-yang orbs orbited around her as she floated into the air.

"Spirit Sign! Fantasy Orb!"

The orbs suddenly turned into giant, homing, rainbow colored balls of magical death.

WooshWooshWooshWoosh…

A hum of sorts was emitted as the orbs blasted into the giant yukkuri, which was enveloped completely in rainbow light as the orbs exploded against it. Alright, we killed it! Woo!

...The lightshow and the dust blown asunder by it faded, showing a gravely misshapen but still very alive giant yukkuri.

Reimu's jaw dropped. "What's this thing made of!?"

"F-fweed mwee!" feebly yelled the dying yukkuri, and some of the Marisa and Reimu types around it started actively leaping into its mouth. It started chewing on them, and quickly began to regenerate features and body form.

"...That's unbelievably cheap." I declare. Seriously yo, enemies that heal!? Fuck that, and fuck this yukkuri in particular!

...Just don't tell my enemies that I can heal. I wonder why I don't see more enemies pop some potions or something… although I suppose that's because they don't really need them.

"You're kidding." Reimu's face becomes serious as we watch it heal.

"Waaal!" A wailing fluffle soars over it, a barrage of knives following it.

"Take it easy!" The yukkuri turned to face Sakuya.

Sakuya took notice of it, and grinned. "I'll be taking it quite easy, as a matter of fact. Afterall, I'm supposed to be on…"

She dramatically levitates a barrage of knives out from behind her. "Vacation."

I give her props for that one, but it was a little cheesy!

"Illusion Sign! Killer doll!"

Sakuya flew into the air, twirling around the field as a barrage of knives twirled out from behind her, formed firing lines and began propelling themselves towards the yukkuri.

I heard the plops and plaps of the pasty flesh of the being as the knives soared into it, a huge inferno raging as a result of the crimson knives entering it.

"Taaooooohhhh!" The yukkuri began a sentence but settled for screaming, which works too.

Amazingly, the smaller ones continued to hop into its mouth, not only healing its wounds at insane speed, but also dispelling some of the fire. After the exchange was said and done, no more assistant yukkuri remained, only a very battered giant Alice yukkuri who was still slightly on fire.

"Fweed mwwuw…" it requested, but it had no friends to help it… 'cause it fuckin' ate them all! "...Fweed! Mweeee!...Fwee~!" It started whining really freakin' loud!

That's it yo… I took out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and chucked it at the thing.

Blam!

Paste splattered all over the bamboo thicket behind it. The lower half of the yukkuri was all that remained, which promptly started to deflate like a very sad souffle.

"You're blocking my sun, ass wipe." Now that's a vacation-esque quip! You should take notes from me, Sakuya!

Speaking of, she was right beside me. "...We can hardly even see the sun in the bamboo forest, you know." Oof…

The fluffles and bushes decided not to fuck with us after that, instead opting to try and beat the everloving shit out of the vines… which they weren't doing a very good job at, fluffles getting ripped apart left and right. Speaking of, the vines were getting far more numerous and aggressive and everything!

"...Guys, maybe uh…" I back towards Eientei a bit.

Reimu latches onto my right arm. "Sakuya. Grab his left arm, we're leaving now."

She grabs it firmly. "Right."

We take off as a plethora of vines begin to overwhelm the entrance to Eientei, scratched and sad rabbits fleeing back inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We flew away from Eientei, doubling back to the Hakurei Shrine. It was about mid-day now!

Reimu had a perturbed look on her face as we closed in on the shrine grounds. "That… was generally unpleasant."

I nod. "Yeah. Generally."

We land, and they finally let go of me, letting me fall to the floor. "Can't you guys like, do it softly for once? Yo ho ho, my ass'll be blasted by the end of the month…"

Sakuya shakes her head. "I'll make sure to do it harder, then. Just for you."

I snort. "Aren't I special?"

She shrugged. "I suppose you are. You're quite 'special', as it were."

Woah ho ho! "I didn't know you even made those kinds'a jokes, yo!" It amused me nonetheless!

Grinning, she turns to me. "Well, now you do."

Reimu was growing impatient. "I didn't bring you two here to flirt on holy grounds."

Sakuya glares at her. "Get your mind out of the gutter, maiden."

I put my arms up. "Guys, yo, there's enough of me to go around! I'm a fluffster!"

Reimu scrunches her face. "Please, no."

We reached the inner Hakurei Shrine, ready to examine the spoils of our conquest!

I flip the sack over, and some chairs fall out. "Could uh… could someone give me a lift, here?"

Sighing, Sakuya rips the sack out of my hand and flies up herself, letting the furniture flow out like a waterfall. Soon, the whole shrine was decorated with oriental furnishings and the likes.

"We'll divide it evenly," Reimu began. "Twenty-thirty-fifty."

"Who gets what?" Sakuya looked at her.

"I get the fifty." Reimu looked like she knew we'd decline this, though…

"Nope. Fifty-fifty."

Nodding, Reimu seems satisfied with that. "Sure."

"Yo, no!" I exclaim, grasping a table. "Thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three!"

"...What happens to the last one percent?" Sakuya rose a brow.

"It was sold for pennies on Ebay." I stare at her frankly.

She shook her head, but agreed anyway. "Fine, fine… I suppose that's a fair deal."

Reimu glared at me. "Why do you need any of it, anyway?"

I grin sheepishly. "Well, uh… reasons." I don't think I should tell them of the time I stole that poor shopkeeper's D.I.Y. furniture collection to make a fort-slash-combat ship out of.

"Besides, why do you need it? Oh, that's right, you stole it to pawn it off. Remind me not to let you near my non-existant home, Reimu!" I jeer, giving her a cocky grin.

THE REIMU OF ALL REIMUSThe Reimu intensified…! "Well, at least I have a home." She folded her arms. "You couldn't manage one to save your life."

I shrug. "Alright, yo, you got me there. I'd probably be as good of a home keeper as Marisa." Speaking of, where's she been?

Sakuya shivers, proceeding to answer my unvoiced question. "I dread to see what the library looks like when we return. For whatever reason, she's holed herself up in that library with Patchouli more than usual. Probably eloping or something."

New life goal: Marisa needs to be pushin' up mushrooms if I'm gonna get the Patchy ending!... although let's be legit here: she's over like one-hundred and I'm like… eighteen. Yo ho ho… wait, Marisa's gotta be like, eighteen too! Or something!...

...or maybe Sakuya was just flat out wrong and no funny business was going on. I'll just go with that so I can sleep at night.

Sakuya waves a hand in front of my face.

"I think you broke him." Reimu tilted her head. "This is what happens when you become too much of a pervert. Instant heart attack."

I shake my head, snapping out of my stupor, "I'm back, baby!..." and then mumble edgy words! "...and now it's personal."

I need to stop making PAYDAY 2 references! Even though I've been trapped in Gensokyo since before the bad updates, I still know how much they suck! That's just a demonstration of the suckitude that is the new microtransactions, balance-breaking, CS:GO crate system inducing updates!

The two women stared at me with slight exhaustion, before turning to each other.

Sakuya remembered the real reason we're here! "Remilia sent us on… vacation, recently."

"Good for you. Wish I could take a vacation. Rub it in more, why don't you?" Reimu dismissively looked away.

"It's not really a preferred vacation-"

Sakuya was cut off. "Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, miss workaholic. What do you want now, a complimentary Hakurei back massage?" Reimu snapped at her.

...I'd like one of those!

I raise my hand, but a hand from Reimu silences me before I even begin, and I lower my hand.

Sakuya sighs. "Look, just… look at this." Reimu received the letter from Sakuya.

"Ah. Good luck with that." Reimu handed the letter back.

"I suppose it was too much to ask your help for…?" Sakuya blankly stared at Reimu.

Reimu nods. "Not my problem. And before you say anything about it affecting Gensokyo, I'll deal with it when I see it. My shrine's still…" She looked around the water-ravaged shrine. "... in need of renovations, as it were."

Sakuya sighs. "Very well. I'll be off then… I'll leave my portion of the furnishings with you, for now. Don't sell it. Or break it. Or eat it."

Reimu scrunches her face. "I'm not going to eat wood, you fucking…"

I begin for the door, sensing Reimu's boiling rage rising… "That's it, yo, we're rollin' out like rollin' rockers!"

Sakuya stops time, allowing us to vacate the premises as Reimu began pulling out ofuda. Hyonk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Time to go clean my dirty laundry, as it were!

...By that, I mean bring furniture to that guy person. I was still guilty about that, and it gives me an excuse to take Sakuya to the town and buy some ice creams.

Does this village even have ice cream? When was that invented, I need to know now!

"Uhm… I'll need to see some ID…" stated the unassuming guard standing at the village gates.

Sakuya stared at him vainly. "I visit every week. This village has never even used an ID system."

The guard paused, and stared at her. "W-well… How am I supposed to know!? You could be some youkai, for all I know…!"

I kinda missed the gruff asshole guards now. They weren't totally stupid, at least. "Well, unfortunately for you, I am the lunar princess Kaguya! I sound like a guy because I have a really bad sore throat." I smirk at him.

He scratched his head. "...Who?" Keine, teach better history or something. Why did one guard know looney people while this guy had no clue? Who was this strange man!?

I stare at him blankly. "I could buy out your position and force fluffles into the slot instead. You'd be out of a job, a home, and…" ...I dunno what to put after that, so I just let that sentence die!

...To illustrate my point, I pulled out Stanley. "hello!"

The guard stared blankly at Stanley for a moment. "... Is that a... fluffle?"

I nodded.

"... Oh."

Sakuya was growing impatient. "Well?"

The guard snapped his attention back to us. "Oh! Uh, right, ID, I'll need to see some ID…"

It was like a McDonald's drive through! "Sakuya, can't we just timeskip in or something? This guy's givin' me the heebie jeebies!" I pocket the fluffle, too.

Time stops. "We should have done that in the first place."

I shrug. "I dunno, formalities with the guards are thoughtful. If only they had better staffing…" I walked up to the closed gate. I say that, but I'm so used to the guard meet'n'greet it didn't even cross my mind!

Sakuya floated up and around to the other side, and started opening it from in there. She proceeds to speak of village happenings! "It's not totally their fault, I suppose. I heard the guard ranks here got badly scarred after the loss of many senior officers and trainers."

I think I know why, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. Villagers can just keep bows in their houses if they're so scared, I suppose.

I walk inside once the gate is up, and we just decide to leave it up.

"Not like he'll connect the dots anyway." Sakuya justifies.

I nod. "Yeah, sounds about right!" He'd probably think the wind did it or something…

I begin heading down the path to that one furniture place and Sakuya resumes time.

The guard didn't even notice the gate was still open as he stared off at the path ahead. He did blink and look around a bit after we had vanished, but he shrugged it off and began leaning against the wall lazily.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Walking down the dirt path for a street, I eyed the buildings…

"Let's see… Stuff and stuff, things and stuff, stuff and things…" I mumble to myself, rattling off building names in my head while speaking idly out loud.

"...Where are we even going, anyway? I don't think we have any business in the village." Sakuya questioned me.

I glance at her before going back to scanning the buildings. "I gotta tie up some loose ends, yo. Y'know, like the knots. I left a rope around here and forgot to tie it."

She shrugged. "I trust you know vaguely what we're doing, then."

There's the hardware place! I mean, furniture. Same thing. "Hey, look! A place!" I walk towards it and open the door.

The man inside jerks his head up from the desk. "O-oh, yes? Hello?"

I walk inside and look around the empty store.

"Um… I-I can explain the lack of merchandise…" He sheepishly grinned at me.

I point at him. "You are the fifth hundred contestant in the World Wide Fluffy Federation's W.W.F.F. Su-Su-Su~per Slam! As such, you get the grand prize… of a ton of fancy furniture! Wooohoo!" I jump in place, doing jumping jacks.

The man- named Harold if I remember correctly- just stared at me blankly. "...Excuse me, what?"

I flip the sack over and start pouring my thirty-three percent of the furnishings all over the floor, walking around and spilling it out in rows until it's all down.

He stares at the collection of lunar furnishings. "...T-thanks, I guess."

I nod. "No, thank you for participating in our sweepstakes! Now, for a word from our sponsors…" I back out the door and gesture to Sakuya.

Before Sakuya can say anything, I pop back in for a moment. "And Merry Christmas!" ...and then I backed out again!

"U-Um… I don't even know." Sakuya settles with.

Harold chuckles. "Me neither. Are you here to buy, or…?"

She shakes her head. "No, no. Just following that lunatic around. Vacation, you see."

"...You have a very strange idea of relaxation." Harold comments. He begins looking at the furniture, not knowing what to make of the situation.

Sakuya walks out of the store. "...I suppose so."

Out in the street, Sakuya and I look at each other.

"...So, what was that about?" she inquired.

"I have tied all the ropes!" I declare. Now we just need those uh, 'gems' for Remilia, and then we'd be set. In theory, anyway.

She eyed me curiously. "...I guess the world will never know."

I shake my head. "It wasn't that important anyway, yo. Just a personally personal thing!" ...Oh, yeah! Ice cream!... that had better exist in the village!

I look around, but I really don't want to talk with the quaint locals about nearby stores, so I turn to the next best person: Sakuya!

"Do you know of any ice cream shops in this village?" I ask her totally inconspicuously.

"Not particularly. I'm not sure if that's a thing here." She folded her arms, thinking.

Well, then. I stretch, thinking about where to start searching…

"You!"

Keine, why do you even? Why.

Sakuya flinches at the yell, and turns to see an angry Keine charging towards us.

...Well, specifically me, but she doesn't know that yet.

I back towards Sakuya a bit. "Hey uh, help."

Time stops, and she slowly turns to me.

"...What did you do now?" she sighs.

I grin. "Well, first, it was close to midnight and I was shakin' my fist at the moon, and…"

She puts a hand up. "I don't need to hear the story, just tell me why Keine's so pissed. She's normally not like this at all."

News to me! "She assumed I was a youkai and is becoming progressively more certain of that due to unfortunate circumstance and context-sensitive variables."

Sakuya snorted. "You sound like a hooligan version of Patchouli using vocabulary like that. In any case, good job."

I grin. "Thanks, yo. It's been a journey."

"I'm sure it has." She stared at Keine's enraged face, frozen in time. Fury poured from her eyes, rage palpable.

"...I think I'm not the only person who needs a vacation." Sakuya awkwardly gives a lopsided smile to Keine.

I snort in return. "You can say that again…"

"I'd really rather not." she countered.

I give her one'a 'those' looks before turning back to Keine. "So, what do do."

Sakuya shrugs. "I guess I'll try to talk to her. You go… hide or something. Don't need you getting a concussion or something, especially since Eientei is being besieged. I haven't heard good things of the village's medical scene myself."

I nod. "Sounds like a plan!"

I move behind the edge of the store and stand back there, making sure not to show a shred of myself incase Keine had spidey senses.

Time resumed!

Keine looked around exaggeratedly and frustratedly. "Where…"

Sakuya gave her a concerned starte. "...Keine? Are you… okay?"

Her glare locks on Sakuya. "That boy that was with you. Where did he go?"

Sakuya blinked. "...I asked you if you were okay."

"Fine. The boy." Keine impatiently growled out.

...The maid's eyes narrowed. "...You're not okay."

Keine abruptly pushed her out of the way, even though there was plenty of room to navigate around her. "You're in my way, then! This is for the safety of everyone!"

Sakuya staggered to the side and regained her balance, before glaring at Keine. "What was that for!? I know you're pissed about something, but that was just uncalled f-"

"You've been deceived, haven't you…?" Keine cut in, staring at Sakuya vainly. "...I saved Mokou, and I'm going to save you!"

Keine floated into the air. "Even if I have to do it by force!"

Sakuya grinned. "If that's how it's going to be…"

I began moving down the alley behind the building. I felt sorry for Harold, because I don't think his store would stand to see the dawn of its new lunarian furniture selling era. At the very least, the ruination of his life won't be totally my fault!

"Psuedo-History! The Legend of Gensokyo!"

"Illusion Sign! Killer doll!"

Oh, shit! Duck and cover!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat on a bench in the vacant village square, all citizens having fled to the far corners of the village due to the laser light show of pain occurring over one of the village sects. Knives, lasers, and bullets rained out en masse.

I folded my arms and stared up at it. "...I wonder if Keine'll tell her where they keep the ice cream shops…"

I doubted it, but y'know… a little ice cream to go with this demonstration of destruction couldn't have hurt.

...I said all the citizens had fled, but some terrified shopkeeper's held their stalls valiantly in the square, shielding themselves with cutting boards and the likes. None of said defenses would actually go to good use, though; they seemed far enough away that only the passing bullet might enter, and I'm sure anybody in the village could eat a bullet and only have a slightly worse day from it. I mean, I could.

I jerked my head back and forth in a wide arc. "...Does anybody happen to know the location from which the ice cream might be vended!?" I obnoxiously yelled out, making sure to add unnecessarily fancy words to illustrate my point.

A few shopkeepers glared at me from their cover, and others just stared at me. Buncha fookin' lemmings!

I felt around my pockets for things to fool around with. Hmmm… Kaguya's trousers sure had a lot of pockets…

Let's see… I found:

Lint! - It's dusty

Lint! - Dust friends.

Lint! - I wonder if I could build a fluffle out of all this pocket lint…

My 3DS! - Wait, what?

I eyed the 3DS incredulously. When did I get this back? I assumed it was on that night me and Matt went freakin' insane. I didn't even feel it in my mega skirt!

...Yes, I'm calling long skirts mega skirts now. They're tubby.

I flipped my 3DS open, intending to play it while waiting for the danmaku show to end. I thought against turning it on and just decided to watch the bullets instead. Man, am I fickle with this thing!

I stashed it into my sack, as that's probably safer than my million-pocket trousers.

From here, the danmaku battle looks like a mess of lights, so I couldn't do much but admire the illumination.

Before long, though, it was over. I didn't see either in the air, so I dunno what happened.

I get up and start walking towards ground zero.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm welcomed by the sight of a tired Sakuya standing in front of a scuffled Keine. I accidentally walk out a bit and jump back behind the wall once I notice Keine. I don't think she saw me, though- she's pretty tired.

"...I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'd like to point out it's a full sun today, not a moon. Surely you've not lost your senses too soon, now. I didn't think teaching aged one that quickly." Sakuya quipped.

Keine sighed. "Hmph… I suppose treating the symptoms won't help me. This was a waste of time…"

Keine began to power-walk away, only to pause when Sakuya called out to her again. "Hey, uhm…! I-I have a question!"

Keine slowly turned around. "I'm wasting time. This had best be important, this is a matter of the village's preservation."

Sakuya blinked. "...Would you happen to know where ice cream is sold?"

Keine laughed. "Pffftt… Hahahahaha~h!"

"...I still think you're not alright." Sakuya added.

"Hahahah… Third western storefront has a candy and ice cream parlor. Today just gets better and better, doesn't it?" Keine sarcastically replies, before running off.

...Sakuya turns and walks up to me, knowing I was still in the vaguely same hiding place as before the fight. It worked, this wall was still standing! The front of the furniture store was battered a bit, but surprisingly nothing was caved in outright. Good on Harold!

"Okay, what exactly did you do to Keine? She's practically traumatized."

I shake my head incredulously. "Yo, yo! I don't even know! It all started when she assumed I was a youkai!"

Sakuya furrowed her brows. "Assumed you were a youkai? Keine should be able to detect that herself… she's a youkai and all, you know."

Yeah, I knew that.

...wait…

"...Wait, then why couldn't she…" I stare at her in confusion.

Sakuya looks vaguely disturbed. "...I think we have enough on our plate for now. I don't know what's wrong with Keine, but that's going to be a task for another day."

I nod. "Yeah, if anything we can just sick Reimu onto her and see what she can do." Not my problem! Sorta!... okay kinda is my problem, but not mine to solve!

I begin to walk off, and slow down. "...Say uh, which way's west again?" I never figured out where 'north' really was."

Sakuya snorted. "Just follow me."

I nod acceptingly. "Yeah, that works…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Vanilla and chocolate. Vanilla. And. Chocolate. Two flavors.

...That was all the store offered. Who the hell ran this place? I guess I couldn't fault it for the time period, though.

Sakuya looked pleased with her vanilla cone. They somehow got edible cones right, though. "...I thought you wanted chocolate."

I tilt my head a bit. "Yeah, and it's good and all, but…" I take a bite of my ice cream. "... I'm just surprised there's only like, two flavors. I mean, yo, doesn't the village have fruits?"

Sakuya hummed in response while she was downing another bite. "Well… that's a good point actually. I was here last winter for a festival, with the mistress, and there was at least… I want to say more than ten flavors."

I jerked my head to face her abruptly, surprised. "Twehn!?" ...My mouth was full, yo.

Sakuya smiled and glared at me. "Don't talk with your mouth full, please. It's unbecoming."

I swallow the ice cream. "Unbecoming of what? Yo, I'm dressed like Kaguya. I gotta fit my role, yo."

She snorts. "Okay, that joke was actually okay."

I grin. "Yo ho ho!"

...Oh, right. Ice cream! "So, them flavors…"

Sakuya shrugged. "...I suppose they're gone now. You could always ask the man at the counter, you know. I'm not an ice cream scholar or anything."

I probably could! I stood up and walked back into the store.

The old man at the counter saw me re-enter. "...Hey."

I wave. "Yo, yo."

He stares at me, and I take it as a sign to continue. "So, I heard you use to have more flavors…"

"Don't wanna talk about it." The old man turned away, folding his arms. "Ask someone else."

I stretch out my arms. "Yo, son. I just-"

"Boy, I'm sixty years old. Watch who you call "son"."

Freakin'... "Sorry, force 'a habit. Anyway-"

"I said no. I mean no." The old man stared me down.

I slouched. "...Please?" I grinned sheepishly.

"...Youkai…" The old man mumbled through clenched teeth, his head beginning to shake.

Oh, here we go. I expect this to be something like "the youkai stole the twenty-one secret flavors and I had to throw them away" or something stupid like that.

I decide to egg him on. "...What?"

"Youkai!" The man slammed his hands down flat on the counter. "That damned witch! She's even been driving all the local restaurants out of business!"

Witch? "...Kirisame?" I try.

He tilts his head. "What- who? Markus? Bah, no!" ...Who the hell was- well, whatever.

"Who's this witchy witch, yo?" I get closer, looking mystified. Maybe he'd be more compliant if I were engaged in the discussion!

"...I know not her name, but she is a woman with eyes and hair of gold. Well, sometimes eyes of gold. I think. I'm… pretty sure." He rose a finger to his lips.

Son, this isn't the time for you to have alzheimer's!

"She wears a cap on her head, and elegant dresses. Parasols… has a fox woman for a shinigami or something."

Oh. Oh!

...Oh.

I raise a finger. "Yukari Yakumo?"

"Ah! That's the name! That's her!" The old man gets excited! "No good witch is what she is! That damned Golden Grin casino…"

Golden Grin, huh? I suppose it fit.

"That place sells anything! Banquets, plethoras of desserts, hot youkai b- I mean… Hot plates." Interest piqued! What are you doing in the village, Yukari?

I nod. "I'll keep that in mind."

"...Baahh…" The old man slouches over on the counter. "Witch…"

I begin to walk out. "Well, see ya 'round, pops!" I shoulda called him 'son' just to be an asshole.

He waved to me silently as I made my way out the door.

Ding! The bell to the store rang as I walked back out into bright village square, citizens moving about since the previous action ended.

Sakuya seems to have finished her ice cream. I should uh, probably work on mine…

"So, was it everything you wanted and more?" Sakuya inquired, arms folded.

I nod. "Yukari's puttin' em out of business with a giant five star restaurant with youkai strippers and any and all gappable foods."

"...I don't know what to make of that. It's something she'd do, though." Sakuya sighed. "...About those gems…"

I scarf down my ice cream as fast as- brainfreeze! Waaauugh!

I hold my head for a moment. "Pain, please wait…!"

"Good job." Sakuya deadpans.

...There we are. "...So, the 'gems'... I was thinking we could head on over to Myouren Temple and have Hijiri enchant some gems or something for us. I don't think Remilia would even bother to tell the difference."

Sakuya shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know about the power these gems are supposed to hold, though."

I wave my hand. "Ah, whatever. They're probably throwaway quest items anyway." Screw macguffins! Remilia can go hunt them down herself!

"You're probably right. It's just… I don't think mistress would be happy." Sakuya looked unsure.

Yo. "It's supposed to be a vacation! Tell Remilia to go read a dictionary some time, I'm sure Patchouli has a few to spare. Or like twenty."

She nodded. "I suppose you get to be the one to tell her that, then."

I grin. "Yeah, yo!" What's the worst a loli vampire could do to a plant hanger extraordinaire? Aside from rip me apart or vaporize me, I mean…

I doubt she'd be that angry, anyway. That's what I was counting on.

I begin for the exit of the village closest to the Myouren Temple. "Come along, friend! We're gonna play some Bejeweled!"

I don't think Sakuya got the reference, but it was fun.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We approached the top of the steps!

"Stairs can go suck, infact, multiple dicks." I protested.

Sakuya grinned. "I don't think that would go well. Stairs and all, you know."

Pfft!

"Oh, it's the gender fluid asshat." Hi, Stormy!

"Hello!" Kyouko waved at us.

Stormy noticed who was climbing the stairs with me. "...What the hell is she doing here?"

"I came to kill you, and only you. Ten seconds." Sakuya slowly lifted her knives.

"Hah! I'm not scared of some french-"

"Five."

Stormy made for the front door of the temple. "Fuck that shit!"

I grinned. "Fluffy days, yo."

Kyouko sighed. "Was that really necessary…?"

I turned to her. "Yes. Imperative. That was the whole reason we came, actually. We'll be going now."

Sakuya snorted, before focusing her attention on Kyouko. "I have a favor to ask of Byakuren-san."

Kyouko nodded. "...Let me show you where the front door is. I won't go further than that- sweeping and all, but incase you might miss the front door- easy to miss, I know- I can help you with that."

Alright, Kyouko, we get it! Ya ain't escorting us! No need to drill it into us!

Like that, we followed her to the front door.

"Good luck. Don't trip on the floor boards and die, or something." With that, Kyouko walked back to the front to resume sweeping.

I shrug, and open the door. I take a few steps in, and then dive to the floor.

"The floor boards! They got me, Sakuya! Aaauu-uuugh…" I let out an exaggerated wail as I pretend to writhe on the floor.

"I'll be sure that quote makes it onto your tombstone." she added, grinning down at me.

Nazrin walked in at that moment, greeted to me writhing on the floor at the feet of a happy Sakuya.

"...Y-you killed...!" Woah no!

She blinked. "...A-actually-"

Nazrin ran back into the temple's depths, beginning to shout something, when…

Time stopped.

I got up, and we both gathered around Nazrin, latched onto one arm each, and then latched one each around her mouth.

Time start!

"Mmmph!" Nazrin was restrained by us! I knew just the way to stop her from struggling, though!

I glare at her disdainfully. "You dirty card counter…"

She pauses, then looks at me. We let our hands off her mouth.

"...What the hell are you wearing?" She looks at me utterly puzzled.

"Shhh…" I bring a finger to my lip. "Be quiet, sweet child. My yeast is rising."

...That comment got me nothing but blank stares! Success!

Anyway, tasks at hand! "We's lookin' for the Byakoorins!"

Nazrin nods. "Ah, right. This way."

We follow her down a few hallways of little feature, although one had an interesting game of fluffles playing cards going down in it…!

I'd have to get in on that later!

In any case, we eventually came to a rather plain-looking room, with Byakuren sitting at a generic table. Tea was sat on it.

She slowly panned her gaze towards me, and froze.

"...We came to make a request!" I start.

"...What might that be?" she reluctantly asks me.

"Might you be able to enchant some fake gems for me and my pal here?" I gesture to Sakuya.

Byakuren turns her gaze to Sakuya, who grins sheepishly. "...It's a long story."

Taking one last forced glance at me, Byakuren sighed. "I've got time to spare, right now. Infact…"

She gets up and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

...I fold my arms. "Where the frik did she take off to?"

Nazrin begins to walk off. "I think you two can handle yourselves from here. I still got to arrange the fifteenth mouse battalion, and stuff."

I wish I was arranging mouse battalions right now…!

The door opens back up, and Stormy walks in with Byakuren. "I suppose a little more practice ought to be…" His stare stopped at me. "Can I not?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Acceptance is a virtue, you see."

"Well, I'm not virtuous! I'm victorious is what I am!... or would at least like to be…" he trailed off.

Byakuren pushed things along. "Our friends here are in need of some assistance with matters. I'll be going now." Way to hightail it out of this room, Byakuren!

Speaking of, I'd like to let that not happen, if only to see how far I can push her!... although I can't really think of what to say.

...An~d she's gone. Damn. Watch me think up something good in a couple seconds from now.

"...So, what exactly do you two clowns need help with? I haven't got all day, you know." Stormy impatiently began, sitting down at the table.

Sakuya looked towards me, but I was too busy thinking of 'that one good phrase', so she had to answer herself. "...My mistress requested us to hunt gems for her-"

"Screw this, I'm not a delivery boy." Stormy stood up.

"No, no, you do not have to seek anything." Sakuya hastily corrected. "Rather, all I ask is that some gems of low worth be elementally enchanted to suit their colors. We don't want to find them either, you see."

He grinned, "Ooh, I get it. Cheaters, huh? I like that!..." and then his grin faltered. "...I only know basic non-elemental enchantments. Byakuren really should have stuck around. I don't know what the old nun's doing, but it was rather uncharacteristic of her to just take off like that."

If only he knew. That's it! I coulda accused her of being uncharacteristic!...

...A bit late for that, though. I raise a finger, "Do you have any gems on you for enchantment, as well? We didn't bring any."

Stormy shrugs. "Hey, I just live here. I don't… know… here." Nice sentence, son.

"...We'll ask Byakuren then." I settle with.

"We should probably go find her." Sakuya suggests.

"Nah, we'll just sit here." I rest my head on the table.

Sakuya grabs me by the back of the collar. "We're going to go f- uhhhh…" She paused, noticing Byakuren staring in through a barely opened door. She let out a short "eep!" and hid behind the door.

Time stopped! Go go hacker rangers! You see, it's not overpowered if the self-insert doesn't use them!

...Please don't choke me mid time skip, Yukari. I know you could do it, too, so don't!

Sakuya and I approached what was once a quickly retreating, flustered Byakuren, although now she's just flustered… and frozen in time.

"...What is it with everybody and being weird today?" Sakuya questioned.

Time to spill the beans! "I think Byakuren has a thing for crossdressing males."

...

Sakuya stares at me blankly. "There's no way."

Time resumed! I was immediately in front of Byakuren! Quick, act natural…!

I frown, raising my brows in a slightly embarrassed expression, and turn my knees inward, making sure to make them look as freakin' dainty as possible. Provided, this was masked by Kaguya's tubby skirt, but the feet still translated the body language. I brought my arms together. I probably looked fockin' stoopid like this!

"B-Byakuren… I was wondering if-"

Glomp! I was held up once more!

Sakuya stared in awe as I was lifted up against my will by Byakuren, who nuzzled her face against my chest.

Scene break? Scene break! Damn it, Yukari!

Byakuren, the last time I took a shower had to be… technically the rainstorm incident. That was… two or three days ago? Sorta? Considering my sleeping habits, the days all kinda blend together...

"Um…" Sakuya didn't know what to make of this. "...Do you need any help there?"

I felt Byakuren adjust her arms to better press herself against me. That was some force…! "...Considering I'm starting to feel the pressure, yes! Help!"

She walked up to Byakuren and tapped her on the shoulder. "...Hey, Byakuren. Let him go."

No acknowledgement!

Knives unfurled! "Let. Him. Go."

...No response!

Sakuya tried stabbing Byakuren, but was met with flesh of steel. Blame enchantments.

"...Well, then." She stepped back a bit. "I could try a spellcard, but I think you'd get caught in the line of fire…"

Byakuren let me slide down into her grasp better, now nuzzling my upper torso. "I need an adult! Sakuya, the nun is molesting me!"

Stormy walks out of the room and stares at the sight before him. "...What the fuck."

I'm ensnared! "Stormy, son, help! I might not make it!"

He threw his hands into the air. "Nope, not my problem! Not my problem, dude!" The door slammed behind him.

Byakuren worked her nuzzling up towards my neck, and I could smell the perfume now. "Sakuya, spellcard! I don't care, just do something!"

"Illusion Sign! Killer Doll!"

And so, I finally got the scene break I desired.

...except it's also the end of the chapter! Help no.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 16

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. It shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Sakuya Izayoi, the Perfect and Elegant Maid - Questionably ordinary human, who happens to have a collection of silver knives from her past experiences, and just so happens to be really skilled with them. Also has the ability to halt time, thanks to a watch of hers. I wonder…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Silver knives: My stock-standard knives, especially effective against youkai and undead. Holy in nature.

INVENTORY: Crimson Jazz knives: Jagged, incendiary knives made of red and crimson. Mostly identical aside from design, but not as effective against youkai. They probably hate burning alive more than silver, though…

Blue Rhapsody knives: Blue and silver metal are the materials of these knives. They constantly drip, and get everything wet. Freakin' soggy!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another rather slowly written chapter! this one was in development hell longer than duke nukem: forever, and hopefully wasn't even worse than that!

only 60-ish k words typed this month, i am disappoint. in myself.

in any case, hopefully i'll be able to pick up the pace from here, stuff and things and all.

also had to put this chapter through with a tire iron a few times because the latter portion of it was completely different than it is now and highly unsatisfactory, so i deleted it and tried again. i think i did way better this time, at least; that's what I get for super mixed writing sessions

if i seem to be crawling along… daz 'cause i am! i blame common problems like school and energy and laziness and video games and college preparation and and and… yeah the stuff you've ALL heard before from EVERYONE, but daz legit, it can get rough. i even have a friend who's an author who didn't work for an entire year on her legitimate novel due to school work, so it's not just a thing that hinders the uncommitted.

will you see things speed up? probably not no

BUT be assured that even if im going at 0.1 words per freakin' millennium, you'll see new content at points and things!

it's december… EIGHTH already? da~mn does time fly… hopefully christmas break allows for some good work to be done...

as always, see you all next time!