(in which byakuren goes through rehab)

I awaken stiffly… but I am in an actual be- futon! It's comfy enough, though.

I was also now in some generic monk-y garb. That's it, this is going to be called my "monkey garb". I saw my sack beside the futon, so that was promising. Kaguya's clothes were also folded up beside it, so I decided to just stuff 'em in the sack, too.

Looking around, I saw an open futon. Hmmm…

Rising from my fluffy tomb, I look around the rather bland and empty room. Was it me, or did this temple have too many rooms dedicated to singular pieces of furniture?

I get up and make my way to the only door, and open it. On the other side is an open hallway!

I walk out into it and I… have no clue where to go. Time to wander randomly and look like I know where I'm going!

I pass Mamizou, who pauses and turns, calling out to me. "Hey… Have I seen you somewhere before?"

Alright, critical thinking time! I couldn't let her know I was Kaguya, because reasons! "Daah, the rainy day incident?" I propose.

She shrugs. "...I heard your voice just the other day. You were dressed up as Houraisan. I wasn't hallucinating after all." Damn youkai memory…!

...I grin sheepishly. "...Oh, but you are! Very much so!" I wave my hand. "This is all~ a drea~m… Go to slee~p…!" I start flailing my arms.

"...Are you trying to get struck by lightning, or something?" she deadpanned.

I nodded. "Yeah. Exactly. Finally, someone gets it…"

Oh, yeah. "I said to go to sleep!" I pulled out Quake Maker, and quickly went through the process of casting Gaia Seed.

Fwooo…

The circle builds around her, and the earthiness flows!

She blinks. "I slept last night, you know. I mean, are you even trying? You're gonna make my legs numb slightly if anything."

...Well.

I stretch. "Time for me to hit the 'ol~... uh, dusty trail…" I begin walking off in the opposite direction of Mamizou...

I'm grabbed by the back of my shirt! "Oh, come now! We've only just met! Join me for a cup of tea, wouldn't you, dearie?"

...Who uses 'dearie'? You a grandma, or somethin'? In any case, I could use something energizing for my morning. If only monks believed in Kool-Aid…

...and I probably couldn't refuse anyway. "What happens if I say no?"

Her glasses flash. How do people do that!? "You'd have an unpleasant time. Theoretically, I mean. You wouldn't pass up a polite offer, would you?"

Theoretically my ass, you fluffy tailed frik…! "Oh, heavens, no! I'd love to have tea with great granny Mamazooie." Prepared to go back to sleep in three… two…

She chuckled. "You're lucky I'm not the gap youkai or somebody similar. They'd take that as open season to make your life living~ hell~." Mamizou punctuated her last two words! Classy!

I wave it off. "Been there, done that! Ten out of ten, would recommend to a friend. Actually, nine out of ten. Too many gaps."

She giggled. "Hahuhuh… You're from the outside, aren't you?"

She begins dragging me in the direction she was walking previously, presumably towards the tea.

I'd shrug, but this position isn't shruggable. Sad face. "I dunno, what gave it away?"

"Your scent, for one thing." ...That's a given, ain't it?

I was curious, though. "What's that mean, yo?"

"I can still smell the familiar scent of junk food and automotives on you. That stuff doesn't just come clean from you after you've spent your whole life with those scents. They become part of your chemical compounds… although that doesn't mean you necessarily smell like cars, or junk food. Just that you smell like someone who grew up around those." We reach the tea room.

...Shit, man. What was she again, a tanooki? Something like that.

"...Speechless?" Mamizou smirked.

"Yeah, kinda. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I am." I admit.

She looks curious. "...Do tell, what could have happened that's more surprising than that?"

Bullshit answer would be something like 'oh gensakey exists, woahoahoah', but hmmm…

...I dunno! "Stuff and things!"

...Critical thinking when you're given like five seconds to answer? Freakin' awkward and frustrating is what it is!

"...I asked for elaboration, not wasted words." She begins pouring the tea into little cups on the table. "Lemon. It's pre~tty good."

I take a sip. Hmm, not bad! I wouldn't drink it regularly, though… I'm more of a "decimate your natural energy with gallons of Kool-Aid" type of guy.

"...More surprising, huh? How about that time I made a combat ship out of tables to sail some loli vampires across the great flood of last-freakin'-week?" I reasoned.

"...Alright, point taken." Yeah, I did it! I won the money! I got the money! Ungh!

Sip. Hmm, I'm hardly even motivated to drink this. My taste buds are explodinated.

Sip. I'd probably be able to get used to this if I drank it all the time… but yo.

Down the hatches! I gulp the rest of the tea down in a single sip!

Mamizou pouts. "...Not even going to slow down to appreciate the taste?"

I shake my head exaggeratedly. "Nope, nope, nope. I quickly had enough of it, yo."

"You just don't have good taste. To be expected from a human as young as yourself, really." She took a sip of her tea.

While that very well may be true, you haven't discovered the elixir that is Kool-Aid! "Just another reason for me to obtain Kool-Aid…"

She tilts her head, grinning. "...Oh, right, that sugar water brand from the outside world. I've heard of it. I highly doubt it could compare to a good cup of tea, though."

Well, girl, now you done just gone did done made me mad! "Oh, it's on, yo. As soon as I find a way to get consistent canisters, I'm gonna like, pour a gallon down your throat."

My statement elicited a chuckle. "Alright, I'll hold you to that."

She sipped her tea, and I folded my arms. That's right, I hads the stuffs to do! "Say, uh, do you know where I could find Byakuren?"

Mamizou scratched her cheek. "Well, you see… she's a bit preoccupied at the moment."

That's curious! "...I'd like to know with what."

"...Well, after an incident earlier today, a few people are helping her resolve a personal issue, as it were." Insert tea sip here.

…I think I know what's going on, but not really! Something about her undying lust for the scent of crossdressers…

"In any case, she's down the hall. Take two rights and keep going straight. It'll be one of the featureless rooms on the left." She gestured to the hall I was supposed to take, using hand motions to semi-illustrate her instructions.

That reminds me… "Why are so many rooms dedicated to like, one to three pieces of furniture? I mean, this room has a table and a mat rug thing… and tea. It's literally five objects all together. Why's there so much space?"

She chuckled again in response. "We~ll, I could say it has some religious meaning… but the real reason is to minimize damages per room, cut down on furniture spending as this temple is frequented, and because none of us care or know how to do interior design."

I nod. "...I see…"

Sip.

I stand up. This was enough tea drinking for one day! "Take care, friend. I'm off to perform worldly tasks!"

"Don't be a stranger." Mamizou sounded off as I left, following the directions she had suggested.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into the room to see Stormy running around in nothing but a bra and some knickers, being chased by a flustered Byakuren. Sakuya was sitting nearby on the floor, legs crossed, with her head in her hands. The resident nue is laughing like a maniac next to her.

…I walk up to Sakuya. "What happened, friend? Did we lose the war?"

Sakuya slowly looked up at me, then just shook her head and rested it back in her hands.

"...I think we lost the war."

"Nun, you will regret- Get back! Run, run run…!" Stormy was narrowly dodging grapples and lunges from a hungry-looking Byakuren.

I turn to Nue. "...So, did anybody know of this uh, obsession beforehand or…?"

Nue shook her head, laughing merrily. "Hahahah- no, n-no I didn't! Ha~hahah!"

Also, I noticed this room literally had no furniture in it. What the hell were these rooms!?

...I sat down next to Sakuya. I kinda wish I had a bag of goldfish for this…

"Somebody fucking help! God, da- aack!" Stormy had a close encounter with Byakuren's arms, barely ducking out of the way.

How do stop superhuman do? I had an idea…

I turned to Sakuya. "I've got the best plan for this situation!"

She blinked at me. "Oh, dear…"

I leaned forward to look past her at Nue. "You know where Nazrin went?"

Nue nodded, still having a giggle. "O-over there, somewhere." She pointed towards a door.

I got up and walked towards the door, and upon opening it I was greeted with a vast empty hallway, but many doors lined the walls to either side. This place was confusing…

I knocked on one door, and Murasa opened it. "Hello?" Her face examined mine. "...Oh, it's you."

...Her face quickly became annoyed. "Why're you at my room?"

I shrug. "I dunno, yo, I was told Nazrin was in this very vague location so I am systematically barging into every room."

Murasa rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well you're not gettin' into my room, lad. Go invade someone else's space."

She moves to click the door, but I decide to intrude! I step my foot in and start forcing the door back open. "You must have Nazrin in there! That is exactly why you don't want me in there!"

...Truth be told, I knew Nazrin wasn't in there, but if I made a scene it's likely someone would come to check it out, and that someone might be Nazrin!

...I was promptly punched in the chest, sending me sprawling against the door on the opposite side of the hall.

"Don't try your luck, deckhand!" With that, the door slammed shut.

The door I flew against opened, and I turned to greet…

A fluffle in monk robes, who was far too short to reach the door handle. Yeah, okay.

"hi pal"

I walked inside to examine the room, and there was an alarmingly high amount of furniture in here. Pots, pans, couches, tables, end tables, lamps… It was like a hoarder's home in here!

"make yourself at home" The fluffle crawled into the mass of furniture, able to nimbly navigate it due to its small size. I saw other fluffles squirm and dart around inside the tangle of poles and wood bits, and were they not fluffles I would have gotten the fuck outta there- that's how creepy it looked.

I heard fluffy coos from the pile, too. They sounded kinda cute.

In any case, I could not navigate all this furniture! I was not tiny, nor tubby! I was mediocre-sized!

...Oh, yeah, looking for Nazrin.

I pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"...Property damage!" I roared, and as I backed out of the room, I chucked the hanger into the mess of furniture, and shut the door hastily.

Boom!...Bam, boom boom boom! BLAM!

What the fuck was going on in there!?

"Waaa~l!"

I heard the fluffles wail from the inside, and I felt the temple rumble.

Murasa opens her door moments later. "The hell's name just happened!?"

Another door opened, and Nazrin came out! Ya~y! "Are we under attack!?"

Yet another door opened, and Ichirin looked out. "W-what's going on…?"

...I grin sheepishly. "...Remember, remember, the fifth of November…"

Murasa glared at me. "It was you, wasn't it?"

I held up a hand as she approached me. "The gunpowder treason!... shall not soon be forgot…"

Nazrin sighed. "What even was that…?"

"Why don't we find out?" Murasa shoved me out of the way.

I try to stop her, but she's freakin' stronk and just deflects my arms. "Yo, don't open that door! There's unrealistic levels of violence on the inside!"

Murasa glances at me dismissively, then opens the door.

FWAAAAAAAA~

A torrent of furniture, flames, and fluffle parts propel Murasa back into her room, the door being blown off its hinges as she opened it a crack.

We were all forced to cover our ears as the blast continued.

~AAAAAAAAA~

The two girls were saying something, but hell if I could hear like this!

~AAAAaaaaa~

It was starting to die down, but my ears were ringing.

~aaaaa….

The girls looked disturbed, hands to their ears. I think I looked similarly, right now. Slowly, my hearing came back to me…

…"-the fuck?" Nazrin's voice slowly came to my ears.

"O-o~uch…" Ichirin backed into her room. "U-Unzan, we might need a doctor…!" Click. Her door closed.

Nazrin walked up to me. "What even was that!?"

I shrugged again. "Yo, I hardly even participated in that! It just kinda happened!"

She looked into the room, it was full of nothing but charred, unrecognizable bits. If that was all the temple's furniture… then uh, shit. Have fun replacing it!

"...Hmm." Nazrin walked in, reached into the ashes, and pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"...Hardly even participated." She turned to me, eyes cynical. "Su~re."

She tossed me the hanger, and I dodged.

Boom!

It exploded once it hit the floor, charring the floor in front of Murasa's room.

Nazrin blinked. "...I should have expected that."

I lifted it up, and shoved it into the sack. "Yeah, yo, ya shoulda!" I stood tall, and huffed.

Nazrin began walking back to her room. "See ya."

Hold on, I needed that mouse! "Yo, hold up! I've got a task, and it involves Byakuren!"

Nazrin turns to me. "...I'm listening. What's so important about it?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sitting in the middle of yet another blank room was Stormy, in the most trap-tastic pair of pink panties and little lacy bra ever. Provided, he was a hairy male and his hair was unkempt and masculine… the idea was still there, I guess.

"Kill me." Stormy sat in the fetal position under a box. The box was a simple wooden crate, held up by a stick. A string attached to it ran up and into the ceiling, where Nazrin was on the upper floor, holding the string.

Sakuya facepalmed. "This was the plan that required me to stop time twice to save madam masculine over here from inevitable molestation?"

Yeah, a few times upon setting this up Byakuren showed up and fucked our shit up. Not this time, though!

I nodded. "Yeah. Great plan, huh?"

"It's a box." Sakuya deadpanned. "Are you serious with this?"

I nodded. "Very serious. Gravely serious." My face fell. "Deadly serious."

"...You're not serious." she observed.

I shrug. "I dunno, maybe it'll work."

"I didn't waste an hour of my day for a maybe!" Nazrin bellowed from above.

"Be quiet up there, cuddly!" I yelled back. "You can get your snuggins' after we catch ourselves a nun!"

"No!" Nazrin protested loudly.

"Kill me." Stormy requested again.

I turned my head. "Later. Don't be such a bah~be~!" I suddenly made my voice really deep, attempting to impersonate Arnold Shch- whatever his last name is. It starts with an S!

"Oooh, look aht dah leetle bah~be! Waaauuugh!"

Sakuya giggled. "F-for fuck's sake, you're weird!"

I chuckle at her incredulation, but I don't say anything!

Suddenly, we hear heavy breathing once we stop laughing. We heard this the last two times we fucked this up, too!

I turn to Sakuya. "Time stop us, now!" I grab Sakuya's hand and she uses the other to flip open her watch.

Time stops, and I truly hop along for the ride this time! I collapse to the floor, my balance failing me.

Sakuya snorts. "Not as easy as you thought, hmm?"

Time magic sucks! "H-help…!" I feebly called from the floor.

The maid lifted me up, and carried me out a parallel door. She sat me down, crouched next to me, and time resumed.

The deep breathing stopped, and the other door creaked open. Byakuren air-headedly infiltrated the room, and began advancing towards the box. Suddenly, she ran and slid under it.

"Now, unleash the art of war!" I wailed.

Nazrin pulled the string from above, and the crate fell on Byakuren and Stormy.

"Shit! You asshoo~h, no! Wah~!" Stormy sounded very much molested, which was probably the opposite of what we wanted…

The box was pushed across the floor a bit as Byakuren was… getting frisky, I suppose.

"...I think that wasn't the desired outcome." Sakuya blankly stared at the scene before her.

I shrug. "Well, we trapped her."

In hindsight, we coulda just had Nue shapeshift into a trap girl and shift back once Byakuren was inside to properly trap her, but uhh…

Retrospect is a fun thing.

"A-aah, stop…!" Stormy weakly protested from inside. Nope! This fanfic doesn't need to be rated R!

"Sakuya, we need to help the wimp!" I call out.

Sakuya nods. "Very well."

Not a moment later, she was beside me with a very disturbed Stormy.

He slowly turned to me, a glare forming. "...I'm going to get you raped one day."

As if anyone wanted to even touch me! Hah! "Pffft, good luck with that." I waved my hand dismissively towards him. "Name people who'd even contemplate that thought! Other than the occasional fairy maid, those guys seem perpetually horny."

"...Hmm, I'll get back to you on that…" Stormy looked away.

...If he were smart and cultured, he woulda said succubi! Freakin' noob!

Byakuren shifted the box around primally, not bothering to lift it and instead just crashing it into walls and stuff.

"...How do we fix this, exactly?" Sakuya was puzzled.

Well, we could knock 'er the fuck out with Gaia Seed, if that even worked on someone of her caliber. Or I could drench her in water…

I pull out Deep Blue. "Let's give Byakuren a car wash!" I slammed it into the floor, channeling my mana!

Fwuuush!

A small geyser shot up under the crate while it was still, shooting it into the air. As it fell, Byakuren separated and fell to the floor, soaked and surprised.

Thud, clank-clank!

Both met the floor.

"...She doesn't look very fixed." Sakuya slowly approached Byakuren and poked her in the arm with the hilt of a knife.

I run up to her. "Wakey, wakey, you perverted personification of Christ!" I flipped her over and shook her by the shoulders.

"Wahuh?" She was coming back to us!

"This is ground control to Major Hijiri! You've really made the grain!" I exclaimed, my face nearing hers. "And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!"

Byakuren blinks lazily, until her eyes refocus. "A-ah…" Suddenly, she blushed. "...I-I'm so, so sorry…"

I shrug. "Ah, it's no biggie. Kinda like me on a Saturday!"

Sakuya gives me a concerned glance, before turning to Byakuren. "...Are you okay now, or…?"

"No. I… have a problem." Byakuren curled up into a fetal position. "...I am a depraved individual."

I pat her on the back. "Oh, come now… You can't be as bad as me, at least."

She glares at me. "Do you run around trying to molest those who catch your eye?"

Eh… "...Not necessarily, no." I admit.

"How often do you even experience lust? I doubt a man as young as you would have much sexual ambition for your age." Hold the phone, there, Byakuren! Do you not know how much the average teen boy thinks of boobs on a daily basis!?

I stand up. "Now, you have gone and done it. I shall show you all the crazy internet porn to corrupt your mind."

Byakuren tilts her head. "What?"

I stand and point upward heroically! "Follow me, Byakuren! I shall show you the ancient law of ecstasy my ancestors… didn't follow, and it's not so ancient, but y'know… my point still stands." Smooth moves!

She shook her head. "There's no way that illustrations exist on the caliber I desire."

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You have not seen the internet's capacity for erotica, Byakuren.

Nazrin fell from the ceiling somewhere behind us, and stood up hastily. "U-uh…"

Byakuren looked alarmed. "H-how much did you hear…!?"

"D-don't worry, Byakuren! I'll help you get better!" Nazrin yelped out awkwardly.

"Oh, gods…" Byakuren looked crestfallen. "What have I done…?"

There is only one solution. I turned to Sakuya.

"We must infiltrate Eientei again. This time, it's important. We have pornography to pirate." I say this with the most serious of expressions.

"...I don't know how to feel about this vacation anymore."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It was near dusk when we set out from the temple on our epic quest to find internet porn. The temple could really use a computer!

...Byakuren didn't want to be seen committing this grave activity, so we all decided to travel by cardboard box.

Needless to say, we're still at the front path of the shine, clumsily trying to walk in unison to move the box.

"Guys! Left then right! It's not that hard!" Nazrin barked at us, determinedly marching with her left and right feet.

I clumsily tried to keep up, only to mess up completely and cause us to veer to the right.

Byakuren was nervous as hell because Kyouko was sweeping the path ahead. "W-we can't let her see us! Not like this!" Byakuren began shouting and walking in the opposite directions, causing us to do 360s across the path.

Kyouko looked over to us, her face shifting to one of amazement as she watched a giant cardboard box gracefully spin across the front path, straight down the stairs.

...Oh, shit! We're falling down the-!

I grabbed one of the flaps and pulled it in and hugged it. It shielded me from many of the jagged impacts, and Byakuren just flat out tanked the rest with her body because she can. I don't think she even noticed the whole 'jagged stone' part of the stairs. Freakin' enchantments…

Nazrin was shaken, but alright. "A-ah… This is what happens!"

Sakuya lifts the box from the outside. "...This is the part of the plan where I'm supposed to get in. Is that a good idea?"

I shake my head, but Byakuren nods hastily. "Yes, I need people! I can't do this alone!"

And so, a party became a crowd.

We were all tightly squeezed in the cardboard box, and moving was now just stupid.

"Even the strides out! Brad, stop, stop, st-... shit." Sakuya sighed as we veered to the right again.

"I'm sorry, yo! I can't do the synchronization and things!" I'd be waving my arms, if they wouldn't clip everyone ever if I did!

"Alright, three, two…" Nazrin started walking.

...Byakuren never started walking though, and we got stuck in place. I ended up walking straight into the two girls in front of me, and they bounced back against the cardboard. Quickly, we all fell into Byakuren and tipped her over, and the box fell onto its side as we all fell.

"...This sucks." Nazrin huffed.

"..." Byakuren didn't seem to have registered even falling over, having fallen into a trancelike state.

I couldn't do a lot with Sakuya and Nazrin sprawled out on me! I'd appreciate this situation were they not practically crushing me…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The box now had armored plates on the sides, and we had cut a eye hole of sorts in the 'front', led by Sakuya and Nazrin. Byakuren was instructed to just sit on a 'seat' we installed on the inside, to prevent catastrophic destruction.

"...What's even the big deal with 'not being seen', anyway?" I ask Byakuren while trying to keep up the pace with the busybodies steering the thing.

"W-what do you mean? I cannot… reveal myself to the world like this. I'm ashamed to-"

I cut her off. "Who? The fluffles? The generic youkai friks? Yo, just act natural! Get some stealth fapping skills, and have less remorse!"

The cart's performance wobbles a bit in response to my off-the-wall statements, but it quickly stabilizes.

"B-but it's improper!" Byakuren disagrees with the idea.

"Proper, shmoper! Who cares about being politically correct?" I argue as we continue moving. We're actually gettin' a good groove on now, yo!

Sakuya raised a hand, although I barely caught it since her and Nazrin's hands were kinda already raised, pushing the front of the box. "Me, if it means less troublesome circumstances like these occur."

Nazrin seems indifferent. "I dunno about politics, but I'm not the biggest fan of getting pulled into these situations."

Byakuren looked freakin' petrified. "I-I...I'm sorry…"

"U-uh…" Nazrin quickly backpedals! "I-I mean, it's alright if it's, uh…"

"It is strange, but Gensokyo probably has stranger." Sakuya replies offhandedly, and dare I say slightly tactfully!

"...I-I suppose…" Byakuren still looked highly uncomfortable!

We neared the bamboo woods, and I heard the writhing of vines all around us.

"...That sounds unpleasant." Sakuya provides helpfully.

"What's going on out there?" Nazrin seems slightly annoyed.

Right… "Don't stop to think, just keep moving, friends. You don't see it right now, but a horde of killer vines are probably all around us."

Straight ahead, a huge vine column shoots up and darts across the forest in front of us, before drilling back into the Earth below.

"...What." Nazrin's face paled.

Sakuya sighed. "I should have remembered this detail…"

"Nonsense, friends! Keep pushing forward! We're halfway there, woah-oh! Livin' on a prayer!" I encourage the party!

It makes even more sense with Byakuren in the… box tank…!

"We're not even halfway through the forest. We're just entering the forest." Sakuya corrects.

I raise a finger. "You see, the vines have thoroughly broken the illusion bits, and things have just generally gone to shit, so unless the vines eviscerate us and tear the box apart, we should be okay!"

Nazrin turns to me and glares. "Was that supposed to help!?"

I nod. "Yeah, kinda."

"...Well, it didn't!" she huffed.

"Waaauu!" I heard the monotone wail of a yukkuri from somewhere nearby. It probably got munched by the vines and stuff. Rip, friend.

We had a few visual sightings of vines from our little window thing, but somehow our huge ass tan cardboard box was wholly ignored by the everything kicking the forest's ass.

We reached Eientei and infiltrated the front door with much stealth… not like it was necessary, as the outer frontlines of the place were mostly void of rabbits, the majority of them all filing inside.

Upon reaching the front reception room, we navigated the box to a corner of the room and sat it down.

Sakuya blinked. "...I can't believe that actually wo-"

"Shhh!" I bring my finger to my lips and get in her face, and then look out the view hole.

Reisen ran into the room with a shotgun-esque device. "Everyone, primary hallway pincer formation! No- not the fire escape, you dolts! We're surrounded- even if you wanted out that'd… aauugh!" Reisen sounded like she was having fun.

I lift the box as she nears it. "Itsa monster house!"

Reisen's eyes widen and she pivots towards me, shotgun thing aimed.

She fired, and one of the box's metal plates was struck, having been placed midway between me and her. I flew back into Nazrin and Byakuren, the latter of whom didn't budge. Nazrin fell over, though.

"...I had a feeling that would happen." Sakuya shook her head.

"What the hell…" Reisen glared at me. "Where did you even…"

I stand up and stare at the metal plate, various magical burn marks still emitting a purple glow on the metal. That probably would have been fun to be hit by!

"I dunno, we came to invade Kaguya's room, yo." I put my arms up in a "that's life, yo" manner...kind of like a shrug!

Reisen stares at me uncomprehendingly, then just shakes her head. "Do whatever, either you're helping or you're hiding!" Reisen moved up towards the reception desk and stationed herself on the inside of it, aiming her shotgun at the door.

I nod. "Let's go, friends."

Nazrin reluctantly follows Sakuya and me… and we realize Byakuren's still standing awkwardly where the box was first lifted, contemplating life or something.

I snap my fingers. "Yo! Nancy the nun, c'mere!" I call out to her, but she's not paying attention.

I walk up to her and rest a hand on her shoulder, and she jumps.

"A-ah!"

I smile. "...Get goin'!" I try to push down on her back, but I don't receive many productive results other than slightly tiring out my arm.

"A-alright…" Byakuren walks forward aimlessly, and walks ahead of the other two.

"...I mean follow me!" I called out to her as she walked down the hallway.

She froze in place. "Oh! I'm terribly sorry, I've been preoccupied…"

"Yeah, I couldn't tell." I remark as we press forward. Now, to find our way to Kaguya's room…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a very tedious trudge through the once more panicked halls of Eientei, I eventually guided us to Kaguya's room!

"That took too long!" I exclaim, kicking the door open. No one's inside to greet us, though; I assume Kaguya and Mokou were off getting their treatment for deadly neurotoxin or whatever.

Sakuya looked around the room. "So… this 'internet pornography'..."

I walked up to Kaguya's computer, which was naturally on, and not even in sleep mode.

"I've heard some passing words, but I've never really seen this 'internet'." she added, tilting her head at the computer.

...You know, I never thought about that. Life without internet. Gensokyo didn't have internet at large.

Huh.

In any case, I popped open the internet browser and opened the private browser by instinct.

I wave to Byakuren. "C'mere, yo. Lemme show you somethin' beautiful…"

The three ladies stared at the HD screen as I loaded up my favorite lewd booru and skillfully entered the tags for a section I think Byakuren'd be interested in.

What was the term for it, again? Oh, yeah. 'Trap' girls.

I opened the page and quickly began shift-clicking images to open them in new tabs, and began showcasing them to Byakuren.

Nazrin looks away hastily. "Nope! Don't need to see this! Didn't know what to expect, but now I do!"

Sakuya winces, but keeps looking. "...I'd like to ask if this is really necessary…"

...After a few moments, I look to Byakuren and grin. "...So uh, like what you see?"

She's staring intently at the screen. "...Bring me the internet porn."

...I wonder if we can get Yukari to hook some DSL up to the Myouren Temple…

Byakuren pulls the mouse from my hand and waves it in the air, and nothing happens.

"...That's not how meeses work, you freakin'..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After teaching Byakuren the basics of how a keyboard and mouse work, she asked us to leave her alone for awhile.

I began walking away from the door with Sakuya, while Nazrin just stood there.

"Where're you two going?" she questions us.

I turn and smile. "I think Byakuren needs some alone time, yo."

"...What do you-"

Time to cut to the chase! "I mean she's flickin the be- Oi!" Sakuya whapped me on the back of the head.

"I don't think you need to be that direct." she reprimanded.

Nazrin got the point, though. "O-oh… I get it."

We left towards the front reception room again, Sakuya retracing the steps for us because hell if I'd freakin' memorize a path. I trusted that Byakuren would clean up after she was done!

"...Weren't we supposed to get her to enchant some gems for us?" Sakuya reintroduced the main concept of what the frik we were supposed to be doing.

I nod. "Yeah. Yo, if she has a clear mind after the whole thing, then we can actually get something done!"

Sakuya smirked at me. "You know, if these situations were handled differently, this probably could have gotten done a lot sooner…"

I shrugged. "Well, yeah. We still did a good deed!"

Nazrin glared at me. "I beg to differ…"

"...It's the thought that counts?" I try, grinning.

"The thought was bad. You're a bad person." Nazrin emphasizes, expression vain.

"...Well, shit." Fluffy days.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We reached the front reception area, where Eirin was milling about, apparently.

"Get behind the desk, already!" Reisen was still cautiously seated behind the desk, shotgun primed.

"Sure." Eirin was too busy managing what looked like a smartphone.

Looking around, I didn't see much else to do other than wait, so I sat down at one of those little plastic chairs in the lobby, and the others joined me.

"...T-those vines are coming, you guys! Get to safety!" Reisen yelled at us.

I glanced at her, "I don't have time, screw that." and then stared at the floor idly.

Nazrin looked at the front door. "...Not a whole lot of 'coming' going on."

I grin, and Sakuya groans the moment she notices.

"...I bet there's a whole lotta 'coming' goin' on elsewhere, if you know wha- auh!" Sakuya whapped me on the back of the head, again.

"...Damn it." Nazrin cursed.

Eirin finally finished whatever she was doing with her smartphone-esque device, then turned to look at us. "Ah, you three. Unique group. Why are you here?"

Noticing no one else opting to speak, I decide to. "Well, our friend had this problem she needed treatment for…"

"Which one of them is it? I'll have it done in a jiffy; you see, I'm quite busy at the moment…" Eirin begins slipping some gloves on.

Byakuren walks out of a door opposite to the one we left from. Yeah, I dunno how this place works. Regardless, she looks refreshed!

"That was goo~d…" she wistfully sighed, hugging herself.

Eirin turns to stare at her blankly, and I get up and walk up next to her.

"Good job, Doctor Yagokoro! You cured her! That really was quick!" I smile at her.

"...I didn't even participate in that. It just… happened." Eirin wasn't sure what to think of this situation.

I then approach Byakuren. "You feelin' it now, mister K- I mean… yeah?" Eheh…

"...I feel relieved. I may wish to make… return trips, in the future." she adds.

Oh, right. "You could always ask Yukari for internet or the likes… or at least try. I don't think it'd hurt too much!"

She nods. "I'll think about it."

The two other friends approach, and Nazrin looks at Byakuren hopefully. "...A-are you really okay?"

Byakuren smiles and nods. "Never better."

"I knew you weren't a pervert, Byakuren!" Nazrin hugged her waist.

I exchange an awkward "well shit" look with Byakuren, and Sakuya just snorts and shakes her head.

"...I'll be off working on the patients, then. I expected vines, Udongein, not… whatever this medical predicament that transpired was. I expect better use of my time from now on." Eirin impatiently reprimands her subordinate and proceeds to leave the room.

"..." Reisen rests her head on the desk, tired.

"We still need those gems enchanted." Sakuya added, folding her arms.

Byakuren gasped. "Oh! I almost forgot. Come, I think I have a few cheap ones we could practice on…"

Byakuren then scooped us all up in her grasp, and proceeded to fly out the front door with us. Freakin' enchantments.

We flew over a storm of vines which suddenly lunged for the door was it opened, and the sound of shotgun fire resounded from inside as we stayed cautiously above until we were able to raise over the forest.

...I say 'we', but Byakuren was doing everything.

"...I can fly on my own, you know." Sakuya irately responds to the situation.

"Can I not show a little good will?" Byakuren smiles sincerely.

...Now that I think about it… "...I think I know where these hands have been. I'd prefer not to think about it, though."

Nazrin blinked… and realized what I was implying. "...Noooo~!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Hopefully this chapter is less awkward here on out, because the lewd stuff is done with!

Also, we're at the temple now, actually accomplishing what we set out to do. It only took too long to do it, too!

Byakuren laid out an assortment of rather blandly colored stones and 'gems' on this room's only kotatsu. Once again we were in a somewhat decently sized room that had nothing but paper walls and a single piece of furniture. I thought the fluffles did it, but considering everyone treats it as normal… I guess buddhists are minimalists, too? I'm confused.

"...I don't think any of these are what we had in mind." Sakuya blinked awkwardly at the assortment of mediocre gems and stones.

"Nonsense! I'm sure we can get it all sorted…" Byakuren cheerfully replied. "Topaz, ruby, and sapphire, right?"

I nod. "Yeah. Supposedly elementally enchanted, and you can guess with what elements."

She nods in return. "Alright. Let's see…"

She pulls out her rainbow scroll and begins cycling through the mysterious patterns and shapes on it, before stopping it at key points and whirling it back and forth. Reminds me of myself with an Ipad!

Before long, one of the white stones began glowing blue.

"One…"

With a bright flash, one of the amethyst-esque gems had a red tint to it.

"Two…!"

Finally, the third and final gem was… more like an opal-wannabe rock thing. It had a yellow tint added to it.

"...Three." Byakuren smiled. "There you are."

Sakuya had a lopsided smile. "...Thanks."

I grin. "Good enough!"

I pocket the new 'gems' into my sack of tricks and traps and crap, and turn to face Sakuya. "We have accomplished everything we have set out to do!"

She shakes her head slowly. "...Hah."

"Thanks again for your help…" Byakuren trails off, not knowing my name.

"Just call me Tibby Tubby Tabs, yo." I give a charismatic thumbs up!

"...His name is Brad. He's a hooligan." Sakuya elaborates lazily.

"...Thank you, Brad." Byakuren bows. "It is thanks to your help that I can now find peace of mind from my… worldly desires."

I shrug. "Aaah, it was nothin' a little of the 'ol Rule Thirty-four couldn't fix!" A reference nobody in Gensokyo would understand. Except maybe Sanae or Kaguya.

"I suppose I'll be seeing you two around, then. Do take care." Byakuren waved to us as we began for the door.

"I will, yo."

"Very well. Take care, Byakuren."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Don't you dare come back!" Stormy shouted behind us as we casually stepped down the stairway away from the Myouren Temple.

"Please come again!" Kyouko waves to us, smiling.

Freakin' mixed signals yo!

Now at the bottom of the stairs, we must decide the plan of action!

"Shall we show Remilia our 'gems'?" I propose. "It is almost evening, so y'know…"

Sakuya nods. "That would be the best course of action, I'm sure."

We walk down the path near the walls of the human village…

"Should we cut through the village?" I ask.

"No."

Sounds about right!

After a few tedious moments of walking, which were accented by starry Gensokyian skies, we reached the path towards the Hakurei Shrine.

"Should we stop by the shrine? It's kinda late, and I don't feel like dealing with an irate Remilia with a stiff back…" I throw yet another idea out there.

"...You might be right, actually. I'm sure we can convince the shrine maiden." Sakuya grins.

I grin back. "Shrine maidens are cuddly."

"You're cuddly." she retorts, not quite thinking said retort through.

"Yeah, I am." Smug face.

"...Damn." she pouted. I finally one-upped the maid in one of the convermasations! Yeahahah!

We reach the shrine steps, and begin climbing. Well, I began climbing, until Sakuya began flying.

"Have fun." ...and there she goes. Freakin'...

Oh, right.

I pulled out my yin-yang flail-o-copter and began winding it up! Screw gravity!

Hovering into the air, I ascended up until I reached the top steps, where Sakuya was waiting for me with an incredulous look on her face.

"You still have that?"

I chuckle. "Yeah, yo!"

We march up to the shrine, and unceremoniously bang on the door, our unsynchronized bangs creating a great racket that was probably audible from the entirety of the shrine grounds.

"Shut up! Shut up! I'm coming!" Tumbling and stomping was heard, but before long Reimu reached the door and whirled it open.

Her disheveled shrine maiden outfit told the war story. "What do you two want at this hour…?"

"Aho~y, Reimu! Did yah bring nehw gheshsts!?" bellowed Suika from within, who seems to have been doing the can-can with Youmu and Ha-chan.

Yeah, I dunno about this…

Sakuya and I warily glance inside, neither one of us really up for a night of being hammered by the might of an oni.

Reimu notices our caution. "Run. Far away. Don't come back while you're at it."

"Let's give 'em a bi~g hug!" Suika directed her merry band towards us!

"Run!" Reimu shouted before she was bowled over by a smashed Youmu who didn't know where she was going.

Sakuya grabbed me and dashed off with me bridal style, while Ha-chan and Suika ran out after us, before meeting unfortunate fates to the first few steps outside the mighty Hakurei front porch.

"Wawawaah~!" Ha-chan wailed, face meeting stone.

Suika face planted as well, but she left a print in the shape of her face and horns in the stone before somersaulting into an upright position. "Wa~hoo!"

Sakuya runs forward and leaps down the Hakurei staircase from hell. I assume a combination of flying and gravity are what allow this dramatic, floaty leap to be what it is.

Suika tries to imitate, only to fall down and tumble down the stairs, breaking numerous segments of the stone upon each impact. As the oni fell in her pre-determined path, Sakuya steered our controlled descent towards the lake grounds, away from all the crashing and the smashing. I suppose we were gonna do that whole Remilia thing now, then…

I dunno what to say about this situation. "...All you need is a cape and this'd be perfect."

Ah, Mario references… The most mediocre of references!

Sakuya snorts. "I don't know what you're talking about. Just because I serve vampires, doesn't mean I am a vampire."

Not quite what I was getting at, but sure!

We neared the shore on the other side of the lake, and touched down upon it.

Sakuya drops me to the floor, and I land on my back, surprised. "Wahah!"

She snorts in amusement, but doesn't do much else.

I stand up, looking around the shore and dusting myself off. "...We should find some sandy fluffs."

The maid looked mildly annoyed. "Why?"

"I dunno, yo. I just have to." I look around the shore, and low and behold, a fluffle had its head buried under a patch of sand, its torso and legs sticking out.

"Friend." I walk up to it, and pluck it from the Earth.

It stares at me after an awkward moment of realization, then promptly weakly squirms in the direction of the sand. Cuddly.

I stuff it into the sack. "Have fun with Stanley, friend. I'll name you George Jetson."

Sakuya blinked, furrowing her brows in confusion. "Why?"

I began walking towards the mansion, not saying anything, and Sakuya gave up the effort to continue discussion.

On our way there, we find the three rogue fairy maids of fairy maid-ness sitting around a little campfire.

Komi looks towards us, and begins to approach us.

"Fear us, humans! We are great fairy youkai!" she exclaims, attempting to look intimidating.

"What are you three doing?" Sakuya deadpans.

Koi raises her fists. "Yo… dawg? Is that how they say it?" Koi questioningly glanced at Komi.

Komi turns to face her, already becoming irritated. "No! We agreed on the whole charismatic youkai thing! Where the hell did we even get "hoodlum-esque" from!?"

Namori looked intimidated by life itself, as usual. "U-um… I-I thought it would be a good idea… yo?"

Komi turns to Namori, and gives her a slasher smile. "Namori, when I'm done with you, you're going to be nothing but an idea."

"Hawawa!" Namori 'hid' behind the campfire, if you could do something like that.

I start doing some stretches. "Man, it's getting freakin' late…"

Sakuya nodded. "At least the mistress might be in a more reasonable mood during her conventional hours."

Komi realizes we're not focusing on them anymore. "Hey! You two are going to be nothing but youkai chow! That includes you, human male! I thought you were going to usurp her from power, not become butt buddies with her!"

I shrug exaggeratedly, flailing my arms. "Yo, I was workin' on a peaceful resolution! After I got my ass kicked, that is! Look, yo, Sakuya's like, five hundred percent more reasonable!"

"I don't want to hear your excuses! I want to hear your screams of terror!" Komi takes an offensive stance.

"...Screams of pleasure, you mean." Koi looks smug, running her hands up her hips.

"..." Komi gives Koi the stink eye.

"...C-can we just be friends?" Namori proposes.

I nod and step forward. "Fairies! I choose to spare you!" I held up a hand and stuck my chin up in the air rea~lly high. "Accept my offer, or I will be forced to beat the magic from your cellulites!"

For those who don't know, that means I'm going to beat the magic from their fat! I don't think even Sakuya knows what I meant by that, and I only repeated the word 'cellulite' from a quote I heard prior, so only upon later googling did I figure out it meant fat. It still worked great, even if literally none of us understood it.

"Suck it!" Komi gave me the middle finger.

"Please!" Koi began to lift her skirt, revealing orange striped panties underneath.

"U-uh…" Namori looked coy, poking her fingers together.

Sakuya stepped back. "I'm pretty sure you can deal with these guys."

Gee, thanks.

"Don't you-!"

Sakuya vanished.

"-dare run…" Komi trailed off, expression growing tired as Sakuya likely time teleported over to a remote location to watch us.

...After a ginger moment of me looking around with a stupid grin on my face, Komi takes a plan of action. "We're going to best you this time!"

Koi yawns. "Can we just ask him to-"

"Koi, shut up." Komi glares at her. "We're going to defeat him this time! I'm sure of it!"

Namori looked nervous. "B-but we literally didn't learn any new-"

"He doesn't need to know that!" Komi snaps at Namori.

Komi stomps towards me, but Koi just moves towards the fire and sits down near it. "You do that, Komi-chan. I'm just gonna relax and sit this one out…"

Namori reluctantly made a decision, and that decision was to sit down near the fire. "S-sorry, Komi-chan…"

Komi narrowed her eyes at her companions, before turning to me. "Fine. I'll do this myself!"

Black danmaku began orbiting me, and I stood there, getting my reflexes ready.

Some of it dissipated, and she made more.

"Uh…" I awkwardly look around me. "Is it supposed to uh…"

Komi looked pissed. "Y-you're supposed to try and dodge out of it…"

"Why, though? It might be a problem if things actually entered the circle you made to get me, but uh... " This was more like a support ability, and not a direct attack.

"I-it's a cunning trap! Now you can't get out!" Komi looked smug. "You're stuck in there, and when you fall asleep from the boredom, I'll have my way- I mean, hurt you!" Komi, please.

Freakin' fairy perverts.

I smirk, though. "You think you can beat me at doing nothing at all? Alright, yo." I sit down criss-cross style, on my legs. "I'm just gonna meditate. I mean, I might as well with these monk clothes on."

Speaking of, I felt like a fancy scholar with them on! I just needed a cap!

Once I got really bored I could pull out a 3DS, and if I was rea~lly willing to escape from here, I'd just cast Geyser or something to disrupt Komi or the likes. Or just tank some of the danmaku; that'd work too.

...But she challenged my capacity to do fuck all! I couldn't have that!

...So I sat there. And thought. And thought. And thought till my thoughter was all thoughted out.

To my surprise, Google Docs says "thoughter" and "thoughted" are words.

In any case… we'll be right back.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

And we're back! How were them commercials, yo? Oh, that's right, this is fanfiction. I forget that, sometimes.

I dunno how long I sat there, but I was now lying on the grass with my 3DS in my hand. I was really sick of Smash 4 by this point. Please, Yukari, give me my 3DS case full of games!

I could probably escape right now, if I wanted. Komi was deliriously adding bullets to the circle, but at so slow a rate it was like, two slow-moving bullets every ten seconds. She was shot, essentially.

I could barely keep my eyes open, idly staring at the menus of Smash 4, not having the energy to press anymore buttons. The only reason this thing wasn't out of batteries was because I had the brightness all the way down, 3D off, auto-brightness off, and the backlight off. This thing could tank some hours like that! It's only half dead right now!

"Give up…" Komi muttered.

I grinned at my 3DS in response.

"Give up…" Komi repeated.

I think the sun was rising.

"Give up…"

I need sleep.

"Give up…"

...and so did she! That fuels me… to not sleep!

"Give up…"

Koi walked up to her, having woken up from a good night's sleep. "Holy shit! You guys are still at it? Wahahaha~!"

"Give up…"

Namori giggled softly.

"Give up…"

I separated one hand from the 3DS, and used the last energy in it to give Komi the bird, before the hand uselessly fell to the soil. C'mon, energy…!

"Give… up…" Komi began shooting the bullets into the air, collapsing on the floor.

"Wahahahaha~!" Koi was in hysterics. "This just made my morning!"

I drop my 3DS on my chest, and let my other hand fall to my side. Must have… determination…!

"Give… up…"

Must… have… sleep… deprivation!

"Give… up…"

I heard footsteps approach me, and I just stared straight up into the dim morning sky. Suddenly, Remilia's face entered my vision, her parasol hanging over me as well.

"...What is he doing?" she asked someone.

That someone was Sakuya! "It was a competition, of sorts. The fact it went on this long is… peculiar."

I can't move things! Send fluff!

"...Anyone there?" Remilia waves a hand over my face. "Wake up, you."

"...I think he's done for today, mistress." Sakuya added. "I think he needs rest."

Remilia rolled her eyes. "Pfft. This man, rest?... I've got an idea."

She turned to Sakuya. "Motivate him."

Sakuya looked at me thoughtfully, before teleporting away.

"...Sakuya?" Remilia looks around confused. "...Did she-"

Sakuya was back with a pitcher full of Kool-Aid. "Open up, or your chin's getting dyed red."

She kneels next to me, and opens my mouth, then begins pouring-

"Gurk! Gufg! Pft-guh!" I sputtered, the Kool-Aid being forced down my throat, some of it running down my cheek and chin from the overflow.

Quickly, I sit up, displacing the pitcher and spitting out what I couldn't down. "Pftt-ooo!"

I felt the sugar rush kick in, and instead of hyperactive, I was awake. Still tired, but awake!

I raise my arms into the air lethargically. "I li~ve!"

"...Quite fortunate, hmm?" Remilia folds her arms and grins. "It was quite fortunate that-"

She paused as I gulped down Kool-Aid straight from the pitcher, some of it flowing freely down my mouth and onto my monk robes.

"...What's it that he's even drinking?" she questioned.

I pause and bring the pitcher away from my mouth, catching my breath. "It's the good shit, sonny." I rasp out.

Sakuya snorts at my answer, but elaborates anyway. "It's that Kool-Aid substance we had delivered as one of the gap youkai's favors."

"Oh, that stuff. I never tried it personally, but I hear Flandre liked it." Remilia nodded, then blankly stared at me. "...and apparently you do, too."

I brought the pitcher to my mouth and began gulping it down again.

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

I part it from my lips. "Ha~h!... I feel like a god!" I exclaim, eyes widening as I take in the dirt path around me.

"...I've never seen Flandre act like this before…" Remilia tilts her head.

"It's quite peculiar, milady." Sakuya nodded.

Poor Komi, however, was already zonked. "...Up... give…"

She was muttering to herself, lying on the floor. I walked up to her, opened her mouth, and began pouring Kool-Aid in.

"...Gufh! Gack! Gufufhhu!"

I brought it away and let her flail at the air a bit, before she sat up.

"Give up! I'm awake, too!"

I shake my head. "Call it a tie and you get the rest of the pitcher."

Komi shrugged, "Fuck it." and took the rest of the pitcher and began downing it.

I walk towards the vampire. "Hello, Remilia! I am somewhat awake and not really alert, but I'm not dead yet!"

Remilia smiles. "Well, that's good. We have matters to discuss."

Oh, boy… "I'm sure they're plea… pleh…"

My vision began blurring, and quickly my sugar rush came to a screeching halt. I seem to have written a check my body's energy banks couldn't cash, and thus… I crashed!

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Remilia stared at my fallen body. "... I guess it's not that great, then."

Komi blanched. "Oh, shit. Is that gonna happen to me?..." She turned to her friends. "Well, Koi, Namori... when I die, I'm gonna haunt your asses."

Koi folded her arms and looked smug. "Fairies don't die. They respawn."

Komi groaned audibly. "You insufferahhawah~..." Komi's speech took a turn for the worst as her consciousness waned.

Thud.

"...Sakuya, carry Brad back to the manor, find him a guest bed or the likes." Remilia requested.

Sakuya scratched her cheek. "...Are the guest beds ready, yet?"

The vampiress nodded. "Indeed. Meiling prepared some quarters the other day."

Moving at a steady pace, the maid scooped me up bridal style again, and time skipped away with my limp body.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I slowly awoke in a bed. A bed! It's… beddy! And soft!...

After burying my face in a pillow, I decided to go back to sleep. I'll take what rest I can get, yo…

Suddenly I was flung out of bed as the blankets were ripped from me.

"Gwahahoh!" I clumsily exclaimed as I rolled to the floor. "Jesus, fuck!"

Sakuya looked down at me with much amusement. "Mistress has requested you. You've slept for a generous twelve hours, and it's night again."

Dayum.

I slowly rose to my feet, my head slightly aching from the abruptness of the wakeup call, but it's nothing I wasn't used to by this point.

"...Haa~h…" I yawned and stretched.

"...Mistress is a tad impatient after a twelve hour wait, you see. You had best make haste." Sakuya advised with what I coulda sworn was a hint of smugness.

"Well she can freakin' drop dead and make me pancakes, yo. I gots'ta wake up and be ready for the big burly business blowout!" I retort.

"...Bi-"

I cut Sakuya off. "Bums!"

"...Well, spend your time wisely." Sakuya folded her arms, slightly perplexed but somewhat used to my unorthodox methods of negotiations!

Well, I had my clothes on, the dining room was… I dunno, actually, this mansion's all new, isn't it?

I march outside. "To exploration!"

I make sure to slam the door behind me to separate me from Sakuya so I could march off blindly and get myself lost. Sadly, she teleported beside me, so uh…

"Allow me." Sakuya moved forward, and I decided that following her might be in my best interest.

...Which means I chose to not follow her! Perfect!

I walked in the opposite direction, only to find a Sakuya popped out!

She looked slightly annoyed this time. "Please, do not make me use force."

Daw. I'm pretty sure this path of action would just result in me getting knocked out for twelve hours again, so I just decided to follow her.

"Fine, yo. I was just joshin' ya."

Sakuya turns to me. "Do so more tactfully, then. Preferably without harming yourself, as that would be most unpleasant."

I keep a poker face until Sakuya turns around. Once she does, I begin grinning but reply in a remorseful tone. "...Would it really…?"

The maid pauses abruptly, and I quickly hide my grin, trying my best to at least look neutral or something.

It seems to have worked! "...I suppose I would feel some sorrow were you to be injured."

I let my grin shine. "I'm surprised! You do infact care for my well-being!"

She makes a slightly pressured expression. "W-well, the mistress would be displeased if her source of entertainment were out of commission."

I keep my grin as I shake my head. "Doesn't explain the sorrow, yo."

"I would feel your sorrow from your injuries, I meant." Sakuya attempted to backpedal again.

"...Wouldn't that still be you caring?" I question. Her sentence was weird!

"...Just be quiet." Score! Doctor Plant Hangers: one, Sakuya: zero!

We near Remilia's room, which has a door nearly identical to last time. Where'd they get the materials for this crap…?

It creaks open slowly. That'd mean something to me if this door wasn't built literally around two or three days ago. Now it just tells me the fairy maids are shitty construction workers.

We step inside, and Remilia is seated at the typical golden-and-red-velvet throne, albeit placed awkwardly in the center of the bedroom.

"Greetings, you two…" Remilia began. We walked up to a table placed in the clearly tactful spot of like, to the left of the throne.

"Care for some tea?" Remilia offered. Truth be told, I was just following Sakuya's lead, as she seemed to know ahead of time how this little meet's superficial meet'n'greet activities would commence.

"Sure, why not." I reply. "Tea to the T, yo." I sit down at the tea table.

"..." Remilia stared at me awkwardly, before continuing. "...Did you two enjoy your… vacation?"

I nod. "We found lotsa shit!"

"All three gems?" Remilia tilted her head.

"Yeah. That one in particular." I emphasized.

"Let's see them, then." she requested. "I'm curious as to how you could have found all three as quick as you did."

I reach into my bag and take out the mediocre gems with varied enchantments.

"...Those aren't the gems I described. They're not even nearly as powerful. Where did you even…" Remilia was at a loss for words as she gazed at the imitations. "...I mean, it's not like they were a loss, we probably have plenty more where they came from, but…"

I grin. "Nah, these are the ones, yo. Our fission was mailed!"

Fun fact: Fission is a noun of an action! As such, mailing it is hard!

"...I suppose there's no helping it. I'll round up some fairy maids and have them go relocate the gems themselves, then." Remilia sighs. "...Disappointing, to say the least. I expected more from you two."

I throw my hands up. "It's a freakin' vacation! This ain't Super Mario Sunshine!"

The reference flew over her head. "...Even so, it was as simple a task as picking up eggs and milk at the village." she argued.

I shake my head. "Nuh-uh, yo. Going to hell and buying bread, they don't mix. Not often, anyway." They say most fatal car crashes occur five minutes from home!

Remilia huffed. "...Well, in any case, I'll need to determine an appropriate-"

BOOOooom…

"...Now what!?" Remilia snapped at the loud sound of something crashing outside. Furniture in the room vibrated, and Sakuya and I struggled to keep our footing from the impact.

"Hopefully not another mansion-busting endeavor." Sakuya added.

"I had best hope not!" barked the vampire.

The three of us all dashed towards the front lobby of the manor, and swung open the front door.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On the front stone pathway, Meiling stood facing the anomaly that had crashed down directly in the center of it, crushing the tiny stone fountain that was present.

Meiling's eyes met ours as we exited the manor and approached it.

In a small crater was a large, grey stone with a large red ruby on the top.

"...What the hell?" Remilia wondered aloud.

Suddenly, fluffles surged from the sides of the yard, and another group came up behind Meiling, who looked around with slight confusion as to what they suddenly showed up for.

At the front of each fluffy charge was a fluffle carrying a gem- each of the three gems we had neglected to collect, it seems. There was a ruby, a topaz, and a sapphire.

Remilia saw it, too. "Ah, there they are!... What are the little cretins doing with them…?"

The fluffles brought the gems to the large stone, and upon connecting them to the sides of it, more rocks fell from above.

Bam! Ba-Ba-B-Bam!

Two large rock appendages with ruby and sapphire crystals adorning them connected where the gems were added to the large rock.

Thunk!

A large tail with a topaz trident tip was attached to the rear of the creation.

Now fully assembled, the ancient living rock formation stood, revealing less detailed but still gem-encrusted leg limbs, albeit the thing stood quadrupedal.

"HUUUHH, HUUHHH, HUUHHHRRRGH…"

...The thing had a way with words, too! It didn't seem to want to say much more, though.

The fluffles clapped their fins and cheered at the rise of the stone golem.

"...Get Flandre." Remilia requested, grinning. "This seems like fun."

Sakuya blinked, and nodded. "As you wish, milady."

Rocks shifted and formed a sort of 'head' on the stone golem, but I don't think it could see. Two topaz 'eyes' decorated it.

Komi and her pals chose this moment to walk in through the front gate, having followed the surge of fluffles. "...Holy shit."

The golem slowly lurched around to face them, gems shining brightly in the night.

"...I take it this is a bad time?" Koi begins to back up and away extremely fast.

"N-nice… rock… thingy…" Namori stuttered, frozen in place.

Meiling's eyes flashed, and she leapt out of the way as the golem suddenly flew forward to attack the fairy maids.

"Oh, da-" The light sound of Komi getting blown away by the collision was heard.

Namori barely dodged the attack by sheer luck, choosing the right time to trip and fall. "A-a-aaaaaah!"

Koi blanched. "Fuck that! I'm out!"

The golem slammed the floor with its two front arm… limb… things, and a variety of red crystals jetted from the floor and surrounded Koi.

"...Oh, tits."

They glowed a bright red, then degenerated into pillars of flames, burning violently yet fluidly. Within moments, the flames were gone, Koi having disappeared with them.

I grin nervously. "...I don't think this boss progression is really progressive!" There was no way I could fight this thing!... which means I probably shouldn't!

Namori shot a beam at it. "T-take that, you monster!"

The beam pierced the rock magically, before disappearing and leaving no visible marks of its impact with the golem. The gem on its back, however, was now a sapphire and not a ruby. The golem slammed its two arm appendages into the floor, and a huge ice blade erupted from the floor and blew Namori to gibs, which exploded into magical energy.

Meiling blinked. "...That's some skillset it has…"

Footsteps were heard from the front door, and Sakuya walked out with Flandre.

"I heard there was a fun new toy!" Flandre beamed.

Remilia smirked. "Indeed. I thought we could play with it together." Oh, boy! I got to see the golem get beat the fuck up!

"Ya~y!" Flandre ripped out Laevateinn. "I see it, too!..." ...She then put away Laevateinn and questioningly looked at her sister. "How do I play?"

"It's like a pinata." Remilia explained. "Hit it a bunch, and lots of pretty gemstones fall out."

"Gemstones? Bo~ring…" Flandre replied. "Why not candy?"

Remilia had that covered, apparently. "You'll be rewarded a piece of candy for every pound's worth of gems you shed from it!"

Flandre was back in the game! "Yea~h!"

The two sisters stood aside one another as the golem reeled around to face them, its wordless, topaz glare speaking all that needed to be said between them. If the golem had a mouth, I assumed it would roar. Makes me wonder how it went all 'huur' earlier, too!

The golem leapt into the air, demonstrating surprising dexterity for a giant hunk of stone, and the Scarlet sisters easily slid out of the way of the impact. As it crashed into the porch of the manor, ice spikes erupted around it to defend it.

"Pretty! Now it's my turn!" Flandre announced. She leapt into the air and began spinning vertically, turning her Laevateinn into a spinning flame wheel of explosions.

Boom-Boo-Bo-B-B-Blam!

Flandre soared across the top of the golem, explosions sending small particles of rock flying from it. After Flandre had fully passed it, the gem on top became red again, after it had cycled through yellow, red, blue, yellow, and back to red again.

Remilia smirked. "I think I see what's going on here…"

The golem angrily tapped a limb on the ground, and Remilia moved pre-emptively out of the way of a fire pillar. The ice spikes surrounding the golem melted into steam with haste.

Meiling delivered a kick to the back of the crystal golem, and used it to propel herself to safety again. Not much damage seemed to have been done, though!

Remilia began readying a Gungnir to lob at the golem, and as she did, the golem turned to see Meiling rocket away. It began following her, when a flurry of wet knives met its rear, most bouncing off uselessly, but serving as an ample distraction to force it to slowly lurch around again.

It rose its fist to cast another fire attack, when suddenly a piercing red energy spear lodged itself in it, and exploded.

Blaash!

Scarlet energy crackled over the golem's stone exterior, but it didn't seem to mind much. Its attention was now on Remilia, though.

"...I don't think normal rock should be this strong." Remilia observed.

Sakuya appeared next to her. "It's probably not just any rock."

I ready the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber incase I needed some explosion-related acrobatics to avert certain death. "It's the rock! Brock the rock Johnson!"

The golem slammed a limb into the floor again. If it kept doing that, the lawn would become a murderized pile of dirt!

Large snowflakes fell from above, ice quickly encasing anything the cold wind and flakes washed over. Remilia ended up a tad frosty, but seemed alright. Sakuya teleported away to safety somewhere, and I used the sack as a blanket and hid under it, which somehow kept the cold at bay.

Meiling was frozen solid, however, next to one of the gate walls where she had been scoping the situation out. The golem saw this opportunity, and began slowly marching toward it with all four limbs, the ice and snow having made it a bit lethargic, as well.

I tossed the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at it, and it-

Kaboom!

-bounced off it, and the blast did little but… actually, visibly nothing. No scorch marks, even!

It looked towards me, the gem on its back now yellow. Not good!

I pulled out a lunarian vase. "Get busted, you stoner!"

I tossed the vase, watching as it soared and smashed against the exterior of the stone behemoth... which did literally fuck and all, but the gem changed to red, sparing me from vicious electric attacks!

Not that it mattered much anyway, as a series of wet knives took this opportunity to attempt to add to the frost, the gem affinity ending up back at yellow by the time all the impacts were over.

On the up and up, most of the thing seemed fro-

Craa~ck!

...nevermind, it's completely free of the ice.

It was searching for an absent Sakuya, when its tail rose threateningly into the air.

Zzztt...Zap, za-za-Fwaaash!

A line of electricity shot into the sky from its tail, and suddenly electro-lasers rained from above!

BWASH-BWASH-BWASH

Remilia worked the frost off herself by averting the sudden lines of light striking down from the sky.

Flandre took this moment to return to the battlefield, having spun herself far past the walls earlier in her excitement. "Now it's my turn!"

She flew up to it and grabbed one of its limbs, and began shaking it as if she were shaking a hand. "I'm Flandre! It's nice to meet you!"

"HUUUHHRRGH!" cried the golem as it took some sort of physical discomfort from being flailed about like such.

Meiling finally broke free of her icy prison, clumsily tossing chunks of ice from her flesh. She then promptly sneezed. "I-I think I'm gonna need a warm cup of cocoa after this…"

Flandre looked towards her excitedly, dragging the golem-

"HUHHHR-HUH!"

-with her. "Ooh~! I want some, too!"

Remilia closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk…"

Flandre turns to her. "Sister?"

Slowly opening them, Remilia smirks. "This toy must be broken."

...Flandre tilts her head. "Why? It's soft, and cuddly." Flandre turns to the crystal golem and hugs it, her arms digging into the stone.

"HUUHHH-HUURRGH!" How the hell is this thing making noise!?

"...Flandre, of all the time to gain awareness of how to treat toys-"

"What do you mean by that?" Flandre glares at Remilia. "I'm always careful!"

"Define 'always'." Remilia walked towards her sister. "What about that time with the shoe box?" Uh?

I awkwardly smiled at the sight of the sisters bickering in front of me, all the while the golem was still ensnared by Flandre's adamantite grasp. So much for the impromptu boss fight…

"That was one hundred years ago!" Flandre protested. "I was still into the whole 'ballistics are adorable' thing!... Now I know that's only on Sundays." Flandre nodded with a serious face.

"Flandre, that wasn't even a matter of ballistics! Your blast made it transcend time and space! To this day we still find pieces of it- some of them are the same pieces from before. We could build ten new shoe boxes out of the fragments we found!" Remilia ranted, stomping the floor.

The golem took this moment to slam the ground with its free arm, a small lightning storm erupting around it.

Zap-Zap-Zap!

Lightning bolts struck Remilia and Flandre, electricity coursing through their bodies and rendering them charred. When the lightning was over, the two sisters slowly shifted their gaze to the golem.

"...You're gonna die, for that." Remilia growled.

"...Bad toys deserve to be broken." Flandre muttered, glaring at the golem.

Flandre then locked her arms on the side of its rocky hide, then she flipped it over her and slammed it down on its back. She promptly let go and latched onto its tail, and began spinning it around like a plumber would spin a great turtle.

Remilia readied her Gungnir and flew away, off the mansion property and past the walls of the Scarlet Estate. A line of scarlet bullets trailed into the sky from afar, and Flandre released the crystal golem, sending it flying.

"HUUUuuuu…" I heard the wail of the golem fade as it soared into the distance.

CLANK!...clank...clank…clank…

Remilia used her Gungnir like a baseball bat, swinging it wide to strike the golem, who exploded into numerous rocks and gems, all of them raining across the Scarlet Estate.

The fluffles, who had taken to the far sides of the estate during the fight and were semi-silently cheering the golem on were now stagnant, somewhat confused, and marginally cuddly. They just looked back and forth between each other, as if they forgot what they were doing there. Some of them started group snugglefests and it quickly became a dusty mess.

Remilia flew back to the property, her skin fully healed from the previous burns and chars it had sustained. "That was adequate stress relief. Plus, on the upside, there are more enchanted gems than I started with."

Flandre looked around. "...How many pounds of gems did we get?"

Remilia paused. "...We'll get the fairy maids to collect them. I'll just give you a bucket of candy anyway."

"Yea~y!" Flandre cheered, doing a little leap to accent it. Freakin' cuddly…

With that, the two vampires walked back into the manor.

… I looked at the community snugglefest that was gradually making its way towards the central parts of the yard. "...Are we uh… gonna do anything about that?"

Sakuya appeared next to me. "Probably."

Meiling slowly walked past us. "I-I need a blanket…"

"...Probably not." Sakuya re-evaluated. "I'm going to go see to the interior affairs."

I smirk. "By which you mean 'screw it, we can worry about the outside later'?"

"Precisely." Sakuya teleported away.

I might as well walk back inside and exist or something! I made sure to collect my exploding hanger from the dust storm ensuing before going back inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 17

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was written far quicker at least!

man it'll be forever before i hit the publish mark because of how late the incident will really be starting… o w e

spooler: if this goes on for too long i'm just gonna publish what i have on christmas eve, ye.

as always, see you all next time!