(in which meticulous botany takes place)
I walk through the unfinished halls without a care in the world…!
The fairy maids often don't bother addressing me, either out of fear, disinterest, or simple ignorance of my existence in the environment, so I didn't have much to worry about. Sometimes those freakin' tomes floated by and a few tried to bean me in the head a few times. Tomes got attitude!
I watched some fairy maids very precariously attempt to lay the foundation for the scarlet wallpaper, and they ended up creating a hole in the drywall in the process.
"N-nooo~!" wailed a yellow-haired maid, her peers staring at the hole with awe- mostly in that they apparently all had little collective idea as to how they got to that point.
I snorted to myself before continuing forward, finding myself in front of Remilia's room. The mansion didn't quite have that maze-y quality yet, but I noticed the hallways shifting on their own anyway already. How the hell does it do that, anyway…? I blame Remilia.
Flandre walked out of the room with a bag of sweets. She took out a lollipop, and ate it whole in one bite, stick and all.
Crr~unch!
She smiled and continued down the hall opposite to mine.
Huh. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The answer is freakin' none; eat the entire thing, stick and all!
I decide to pay Remilia a visit, and the door, as usual, squeaks like a freakin' mouse armada.
Remilia was seated at one of her tea tables, drinking tea. "Oh, hello, you. What brings you here?"
I look back at the door as I enter. "Yo, you need like, a gallon of oil for the doors, yo. They squeak like the gates of hell swingin' open 'cause of a rather assertive summer breeze."
She tilts her head. "Well, is it not eerie in nature?"
I shake my head. "Maybe the first time. Maybe. Now it's just freakin'... squeaky!" Eeugh!
"...I'll keep that in mind." she replied in a somewhat bored tone. I knew she wasn't going to keep it in mind, so…
"No, you aren't." I replied.
Remilia blinked. "Well, then I guess I won't. Is this all you-"
I cut her off. "So I'm gonna help you keep it in mind, yo!" I feel around in my sack for some things… what, do I really not have writing utensils or paper or anything!? What kind of point and click adventurer am I!?
"...And how might you go about that?" Remilia's interest was piqued!
I take my hand out of my sack, and sigh in frustration. "Alright, no sticky notes or even blank sheets'a paper, that's fine. So instead, we will do: investwrite! For the mind!" I tap my head, as if I knew what I was talking about.
"...That doesn't really sound promising." she admits.
I walk up to the door and gesture for her to follow. "To the library, friend! To investwrite! For the mind!" I tap my forehead again.
Investwrite was some random "write a letter" homework assignment in my personal finance class at school. The whole "for the mind" thing just kinda flowed together with it, so it stuck in my mind. Woohoo!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walk into the library, the vampire mistress trailing behind me.
"Alright, so, how to do… investwrite!" I begin. I was trying to search for Patchouli's study…
"...Go on?" Remilia urges.
"Investwrite for the mind is a practice by the…" Literary scholars, or financial scholars?... Both! "Literal finance scholars of our new era!"
"Mmm…" Remilia wasn't too disinterested yet!
"Founded by the great Papyrus, it was a renaissance for the fiscally frisky fuckfa- I mean… friend… in all of us." Oh, the references!
"...You didn't explain how to do an investwrite, genius." Remilia jabbed. "That also really didn't tell me what an investwrite was, either."
I pause and turn to her, and just stare at her blankly. "...In due time, I suppose…" ...and that goes for the both of us!
Remilia furrowed her brows at that, and I grinned to myself. We continued until we reached the study of the magi…
"Look, for all we know the vines coulda spread-" Marisa began hastily.
Patchouli interrupted her. "Could, could, could. 'What if' questions will get us nowhere!" she snapped.
Marisa slammed her hands on the desk. "We've gotta do something! Seriously, ze!"
"By 'we', you mean 'you'." Patchouli corrected. "Besides, I've got work to be doing that isn't as trivial as some monster weed problem. Such plants are common place in Gensokyo's more natural reserves, and it should be of no surprise to see them in the common grounds from time to time."
Marisa clutched her head and walked backwards. "Dude! Shi~t… what am I gonna do!?"
Remilia and I just kinda stood there… "What're you two doing, now?" she began.
Marisa turned to her. "Remilia! There's these asshole vines, and-and-"
"Descriptive words, Kirisame. Descriptive words." Remilia emphasized.
"...Asshole vines?" Marisa added with a grin.
"Are you trying to get me to take this seriously or not?" the vampire brought her hands to her hips.
Marisa blinked, then became hasty again. "Sorry! Look- there's these vines, right? They're like, in my house, and-"
"Not my problem." Remilia looked away dismissively. "So, this investwrite thing…"
Oh, right! "Oh, me and Sakuya saw those vines earlier."
Marisa froze. "Y-you did? Really!?"
Patchouli paused. "...Did you, now? Where was this?"
I pointed to where I thought Eientei might be. Not that easy in this labyrinth of a library! "Over near Eientei, the bamboo forest. The forest there's getting just molested by vines- like, the forest even lost its illusionary property, and uh…"
Silence greeted my retelling.
"...There's also a bunch of fluffles, yukkuri, and bush youkai things going apeshit in the bamboo, too. It's like a four way war between them and the vines. Five way if you consider Eientei's rabbit legions and things." I finish.
…
"...O-oh, shit." Marisa blanches. "That's… not good, ze…"
Patchouli blinks a few times. "...Hmm. That sounds… problematic."
Remilia's hands were still on her hips. "What about the investwrite?"
I wave my hand at Remilia dismissively. "Later. Right now, we need to invest the fuck outta the vines!"
Patchouli cringed. "That's not how you use the word…"
I shake my head. "Nah, I'm pretty sure it is. When you invest, you beat people up!"
"If that were true, I'd have far more fun managing my wealth…" Remilia commented, grinning.
Marisa slammed her hands on the desk, again. "I knew it, ze! I was right! The vines are a problem!"
"You seem to have gotten over the gravity of the situation rather quickly." Patchouli stared boredly at Marisa.
"I-I mean, it's bad, but yo~!" Marisa threw her arms up, cheering.
… "Oh, and another thing." I began. "The vines apparently have deadly toxins in them or something; the immortals were getting treated for 'repeated insta-death' disease."
Marisa's face fell. "...That's not good."
Patchouli nodded. "What gave you that-"
"That's really not good!" Marisa blanched, eyes widening.
Remilia eyed her curiously. "...How exactly-"
"Really, rea~lly not good!" Marisa looked feverishly panicked.
A bubble of water fell on her, and her witch hat covered her face, soaked.
"...Better?" Patchouli asked.
"...Better." Marisa confirmed.
Remilia floated cautiously above the water as it flowed under her. "Patchy, I'd rather not invest in being dead, if you please."
"Right, sorry." Patchouli offhandedly apologized. "In any case, it seems if what Marisa said is true about earlier, then these vines have infact spread."
That's probably bad! "How do fix do?" I ask!
Patchouli gives me a solid glare before continuing. "...Well, normally fire would be sufficient; however, in this instance I'm pretty sure it'd just burn down half of Gensokyo's forestry."
"...And that's a bad thing?" I question.
"Hey! My house is in the woods, you know!" Marisa raises her voice at me.
I look at her and feign a look of confusion. "What? All I saw was a pavilion and some sticks."
"...Most of that was your fault!" Marisa was slowly getting more peeved!
"...Marisa, do you want to solve this incident or not?" Patchouli stared vainly at her human counterpart.
Marisa jerked her head towards Patchouli, surprised. "Wha'd I do!? He's the one who's been making fun of me!" She points both fingers at me exaggeratedly.
In any case, it seems we're considering this a real incident now! Time for the intro line thing!
…
Patchouli continued to verbally assault her friend. "You're the one reacting to him. Simply cease responding to the patronization."
Marisa's jaw dropped. "Wha~t!? This should be the part where you tell us both to stop being stupid, ze!"
Giggling, Patchouli continues. "I guess so. Now that you mention it, you're both stupid. Stop being stupid."
"...I didn't mean to make good on it." the ordinary magician pouted.
Remilia yawned, and did a lil' stretch… "Don't let me interrupt your little flirting session, but there are vines to be destroyed."
I throw my hands up. "I sense a disturbance in the fanfiction."
Everyone looks at me awkwardly, and I elaborate. "The title segway thing for the incident didn't display when I instructed it to!"
"...Okay?" Remilia backed away from me.
Since nobody knew what I was talking about, I decided to get an executive on scene! "Hey, Yukari! Wake ya lazy ass up and help me out here!"
…
But nobody came.
"Yu~, kar~, E!" I shouted to the ceiling
"You rang~?" Yukari leaned upside down from a gap over us, as per usual.
"This is the fourth time in two days, Yakumo." Remilia rolled her eyes. "You su~re do love this place, huh?"
"Oh, please." Yukari didn't even look at her; provided, that detail doesn't really matter since she's hanging upside down looking down at us like a freakin' maniac. "If I really wanted, I could have a manor of this caliber built in under a day."
I raise a finger. "You mean 'gapped in' in under a day." It also just occurred to me that this sentence makes sense in text, but if I said this in real life I'd probably have to repeat myself like five times because of the "gapped in in" part, which I don't think many people would properly connect and end up thinking of the sentence as gibberish. Life vs. fiction, people!
Yukari gaps a hand over to my mouth and sticks a single finger on my lips. "Now, now. This quarrel doesn't concern you, boy."
Remilia sighed. "Do what you must… but only what you must."
Yukari smirks, and gaps her hand over to Remilia's chin. "Oh, you can be certain that I go where I please…"
She slides upwards into her gap. Next, another gap was made on the floor and she slid up out of it, the hand in the air still moving to caress Remilia's chin.
"...and I please where I go." Yukari then tilted herself forward, showing off her generous bust.
Remilia weaved out of the way of the hand and tried to bite it, but Yukari pulled it back fast enough to avoid the pain.
"...You stole that quote from Duke Nukem." I accused her.
"And he stole it from somewhere else." Yukari shot back.
I nod, looking away. "Yeah… good point, and well made, I suppose…"
Yukari starts to leave. "Well, if there's nothing else for me to do he-"
"Yo, hold up! Hold up!" I blurt out. "The title segway to the incident!"
"...Yes?" Yukari questions. "What about it?"
I wave my arms frantically. "It never showed up!"
"...Oh, apologies. I was making sure Chen's flea bath went according to plan, as it were."
==== NEW INCIDENT: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====
All is right with the world…
"There we are. I still need to make sure that flea bath doesn't go awry, you see, so I will be off now! Tata~..."
With that, Yukari vanished.
"...Can people stop summoning that good-for-nothing hag into my household? She's beginning to annoy me." Remilia irately requests.
I shake my head. "Yo, a fanfic author's gotta do what a fanfic author's gotta do! Not my fault the managerial staff is a single debatably sane but immensely powerful youkai!"
"...The fourth wall's going to look like my house by the time you're done with it." Marisa deadpans.
I should probably stop doing that!
"Right, vines. Viney vines. Let's talk vines." I try to change the topic away from the fourth wall, if only to hide its shame.
A gap opens from above us, and a single image floats down, encased in a proper photograph. I stare at it, and it's Yukari swinging a ball-peen hammer into a brick wall, a caption stating "FUCK THE FOURTH WALL. We have memes." written below, like one of those many motivational poster memes.
Remilia rips the image from my hands and vaporizes it with scarlet magic. "No."
Marisa tilted her head. "...What uh, was-"
"No!" Remilia barked at her.
Patchouli furrowed her brows. "...Now you've got me wonder-"
"Nooo~!" Remilia wailed.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We gathered around a small map of Gensokyo, sketched in rather pathetic quality by Patchouli, but it was probably better than my absolutely cringe-worthy pencil hand, that's for sure.
"If the vines have spread like this, either they were spread via air seeds, spores, or have burrowed under the village. Furthermore, we need to learn of Kazami's involvement in this incident." Patchouli used one of those teaching stick things to point to the places in the map. I forget what it was called, but it was fun to whap people with.
Speaking of, we all got one, so…
Whap!
Remilia twitched.
"Air seeds?" Marisa questioned.
"Delivered via birds, blown by wind, assuming seeds is how they populated." Patchouli explained. I dunno 'bout you guys, but methinks the vines spread by growth…
"Maybe the vines spread like vines?" I added
Patchouli shook her head. "We cannot assume in matters like these." Yo, assuming's what I do best!
The two mages turn back to the table.
Whap!
"Grrh…" Remilia growls.
"Patchy's right… 'cause if the vines are really that deadly, we gotta really think this one through…" Marisa reasoned.
Patchouli jerked her head back in surprise. "Really? This comes as a surprise to me, as you've been doing little except assuming for the past innumerable hours."
"Aw, c'mon! I was right-ish wasn't I?" Marisa extended her arms, grinning.
Whap!
"Gaah…" Remilia lowly groaned to herself, glaring at me from the corner of her vision.
"One thing is for certain; we need not only a plan of action, but to properly track the growth of these vines." Patchouli started moving some pieces across the 'board'.
Once she finished, she backed away from it and stared at it for a moment. "...There's not many ways we can directly confront them, but we can send out scouts to determine the speed of growth."
"I wonder if we can get the tengu to cooperate…" Marisa folded her arms, putting thought into the situation.
"You should be able to do some scouting yourself, as well. Infact, anyone flying should. The important factor is to stay above the forestry, out of range of melee attacks." Patchouli explained.
"Mmm…" Marisa hummed in response, having presumed mixed feelings about doing some work related to this problem. I know I would!
Whap!
"That's it." Remilia whirled to face me and ripped the stick thingy from my hands, and snapped it in half over her knee. "Fuck you."
She then tossed the bits at me and pushed me, sending me flat on my bum.
"...Was there any reason for that, Remi?" Patchouli blankly stared at her friend.
"He was getting annoying. Don't tell me you didn't notice…?" Remilia questioningly narrowed her eyes at her.
"...From my perspective, you just abruptly-"
"Let's see how you like it, then!" Remilia interrupted her and ran towards her with her own stick thingamajig extended.
Whap! Whap!
"Mukyuu~!"
Whap!
I stood up again, and Marisa awkwardly stared at the two squabble. "...I mean, I noticed, but I was kinda waiting to see whether she'd react or not…" Marisa commented, looking unsure about the outcome.
Whap!
"St-stop, Remi!"
Whap!
Whap!
...Clink!
Patchouli parried Remilia's stick thing with her own. "No! No more!"
Clink! Clack!
"Very well then… En garde!" Patchouli resolved herself for a lifetime of war.
Clack! Clink! Click…!
The two had their stick things interlocked mid-collision, and they began bending, until…
Snap!
They both broke in half, because they were not swords, they were little bendable metal stick things.
"...You're replacing those." Patchouli calmly stated, as she pulled out another. "I don't know why I thought giving you all one would be a good idea. Apparently, none of you are mature enough to wield one."
"Hey, I was good!" Marisa objected.
"Too bad. You're inherently immature." Patchouli smirked.
Marisa slouched. "Awww~..."
… I sit back down and yawn. These freakin' business meetings, yo. They're boring!
"...Growing tired on us?" Patchouli looked down at me.
"Boring things are boring." I explain.
"Ah." Patchouli nodded, turning back to the board. "Well, I'm sure the front lines wouldn't be a boring place, to be certain."
"Let's not, yo. Tentacle porn was never an interest of mine." I tiredly refuse.
Marisa snorts. "I'm surprised you know what that is, ze. You didn't strike me as the type to have books… like, at all."
I smirk. "If only you knew the depths of the internet, yo…"
"The last thing anybody here needs is internet access." Patchouli attempts to shut down the discussion.
"I've heard passing word of it, but I don't know exactly what it is." Remilia states. "What is it?"
Marisa shrugs. "That's what I wanna know."
I narrow my eyes at Patchouli. "How would you know?"
"...It was spoken of in texts, you see-"
"Oh, right, I'm sure the ancient romans loved their broadband DSL." I look away, nodding.
Patchouli looked cross. "...I assure you, that not all of my texts date back to the ancient romans."
"Name your latest book and describe it to me, yo. I mean, some indicative things of how it's modern, too." I hold up a finger and wave it at her to accent my speech.
"Valkyrie Treads. The book was an analysis of some modern technological practices, but primarily it focused on that of war machines." Patchouli explained. "It was dated to 2002."
It's like, 2015 right now, so y'know… "...I mean, the internet exists during that time frame, at least. It's not as developed as it is right now, though."
She nods. "Quite right. From what I understand, it's a format of mass intrinsic communications among the entire populace, and sounds quite useful."
Uh, kinda. Minus the memes and morons and uh… a lot.
"I dunno what's going on!" Marisa shouts out.
"This discussion bores me. The internet sounds too practical to be entertaining." Remilia's expression grows dull.
If only you knew. Maybe one day…!
...That didn't answer one question.
"Now, if we've finished with-"
"OBJECTION!"
I slammed my hands down on the board, vibrating the generic chess pieces Patchouli had arranged.
"...What?" Patchouli looked annoyed.
"Why did you say that the last thing these two needed was internet access…" Dramatic close up of my face that I never really described to the readers aside from 'vaguely Weird Al'! "...if you had a strictly utilitarian impression of the internet!?"
Patchouli froze, realizing her error. "...Must you be so irksome? The matter is of trivial importance."
"...I dunno, Patchy. I'm kinda curious now." Marisa grinned sheepishly.
"Do tell. What is there to hide from me?" Remilia knew what she wanted, and was gonna get it!
"...This is nonsense." Patchouli scoffs. "We have more important matters to worry about. Cease this path of discussion at once."
Awfully defensive, but she was kinda right! I'll get back to this later…
"...We do kinda gotta worry about the genocidal vines spreading across the world. That might be bad for our health!" I switch topics not so gently, but that's usually how I always do it!
Patchouli lets out a sigh. Was that of relief or of irritation? Probably both!
"...I suppose he's right. I'll get back to you later, Patchy." Remilia wasn't gonna take things lying down, either. She was just more freakin' abrasive about it!
"It's whatever to me, ze." Marisa was chillaxin' and relaxin' and maxin' all coo' about it.
"Vines! Oh, shit!" I emphasize the topic change!
"Yes, yes, we get it! Please, evoke more intelligent discussion!" Patchouli snaps, grasping her face with a furious facepalm.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Alright, so after much bickering and battering and assorted knick-knackery, we came to some conclusions.
"Marisa and Aya will be the main scouting division experts. If anyone confronts the vines, it will be those with fire magic, long ranged spells, or the immortals. I suggest encounters wait until Yagokoro develops an acceptable cure. Until then, we plot and predict vine growth." Patchouli rattles off the plan.
"Sounds fluffy." I provide.
"Can do, ze!" Marisa gives a thumbs up.
"...What about me?" Remilia puts her hands on her hips.
"...You get to defend the manor from the oncoming threat, which is a very, very important job, as this very manor is where the plan is being launched from. Go, do it now, before it's too late." Patchouli flatly monotones to Remilia.
"What!? No problem! Leave it to me, Patchy! No one invades my estate and gets away with it!"
With that, Remilia rockets off, presumably to man the battlements until the sun tells her to sod off or something.
"...That's one liability taken care of." Patchouli sighs, shaking her head. "As much as I hate to admit it, her hands-on nature would only get in the way."
Oh, yeah! "Where do I fit into the plan, yo?" I'm usually the focus point of all these endeavors!
"...You don't." Patchouli states simply. "You're not fast. You can't fly. You have very basic fire capabilities, and you're weak physically."
Well.
"...Wait, does that mean I don't have any obligations?" I ask.
"Nope. Go nuts." Patchouli stands up and begins moving towards her normal study. "Just don't kill yourself, or something. You might be useful for errands later."
Screw that! I'm gonna get all involved up in this vine shit! "Alright, I'm gonna go play in the vines!"
Patchouli nods, but then freezes as I begin walking away.
Now, to-
A wall of books moves to stand in my way! Fancy shmancy!
"If you're going to go out of your way to get involved, don't. Passive as I may be to this, I cannot allow you to jeopardize operations by ignorantly charging ahead and going with the flow." Patchouli stares down at me. "I will do this by any means necessary."
Oh, you wanna play that game, Patchouli?
"How might you do that, yo? Beat me down? Good luck, yo! I defeated you once, I can do it again!" I ready Swift Brand, sliding it from my sack.
"...It's too bad for you that I gave you a choice in the matter previously. This time I'll just crush you outright." Patchouli floated up, and Marisa took that as a cue to fly far, far away.
"Hey, where're you going!?" I shouted to Marisa, who refused to turn back and acknowledge me.
"...Prepare yourself." Patchouli announces from- how the hell did she get so far away?
"Sun sign…"
Wait, what!? Oh, fuck me!
"Royal Flare!"
That's not fair, yo! Who the hell uses their strongest attack first!?
I grab the strategy board table thing and attempt to hide behind it, before everything goes bright…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Patchouli floated down to my fallen body, which was breathing heavily. The clothes were lightly singed, and I was out like a light.
"...I always questioned why most antagonists refused to use their strongest attacks first." The magician shrugged.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Considering I awoke to pain and pain and more pain, I don't think that went particularly well at all.
"A-aauugh…" I groaned, looking around in the bed I was in. It was lavender and pretty!... and super soft!
I look to my left to see Patchouli on a laptop, browsing the whaaaaa~!?
She's got a laptop! That sly bast-
"Koakuma, check the boy." Patchouli dismissively commanded.
"I just checked him! Ten. Minutes. Ago!" Koakuma roared from another room.
"Most unfortunate. Check again." Patchouli commanded once more.
With an audible groan, Koakuma relented. "Fi~ne…"
I shut my eyes and pretended to be out. Koakuma walked into the room lazily and stared at me.
"He's out cold. You coulda just turned around, you lazy- Aeip!" Koakuma ducked under a throw pillow.
"Quiet, you." Patchouli never took her eyes off the pink laptop the whole time.
Let's see…
I was currently… not tied down? That's kinda bad forethought, but I'm tucked in really freakin' tightly.
"Patchouli-sama, I'm sure those enchantments you placed on the covers will be enough. Why do you even need me here?" Well, that's some questions answered!
"To test your responsibility and obedience. After your previous… incidents, I have very little trust left in you." Patchouli stated plainly.
"A~www… Don't you lo~ve me, Patchouli-sama~?" Koakuma laid it on thick.
"The pheromones don't work on females. Need I remind you again?" The attack failed!
Koakuma hissed. "Ba~h… chastity sucks."
With that, Koakuma left the room again. Since the covers were magically enchanted, I figured that was why they were so snug. Could I…
Shuffle…
Hey, I can slide in it!
Shift, shift…
I quickly shuffle myself to have my face under the covers. Now for the long haul…
Shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, shift…
I could feel my legs free!
Shift, shift, shift, shift-
...Fwish.
I freed my head of the bottom of the snug covers at the foot of the bed, and kneeled down on the floor.
"Koakuma, check."
"Two minutes! Are you serious!?"
"Koakuma!"
Patchouli, please!
I freeze for a moment, but then I decide to hide under the bed. Underneath, I find some interesting paperbacks…!
...All of them aren't in English!...Shit! I was hoping she read Twilight or Fifty Shades in her spare time so I could poke fun of her or something. I mean, they looked like that kind of book on the covers, but y'know… they're not even English, or even vaguely Earthy, so I suppose I shouldn't assume.
"Fi~ne!" Koakuma stomps in. "See? He's still-..."
"...There, you mean?" Patchouli suggests, clicking on something with her mouse.
"...What the fuck." Koakuma's jaw dropped. "He's gone."
Patchouli froze and whirled around. "What."
The bed was empty.
"...What!?"
Koakuma walked up to it and inspected the covers. "They're still enchanted, too! The kid pulled a houdini!"
Patchouli blinked at the empty covers. "How."
…
Koakuma scowled at Patchouli. "...If you actually looked away from the screen once in awhile…"
"...Tch." Patchouli didn't like that comment, but didn't bother to refute it. "Where could he have possibly gone in two minutes?"
Personally, I'd like to thank my experience with blankets for that!
"Do you think he left the room?" Koakuma asked, moving towards the door.
"..." Patchouli crouched to her knees and peered under the bed, and used a magi-light to illuminate the darkness.
I smiled sheepishly. "...Hi, friend."
"...Sly trickster, you are not." Patchouli deadpanned.
Eheh… "So uh… what brings you 'round these parts?"
"...You're under my bed."
I stick a finger up. "Hey, now, I have a very good reason to be here!"
"Sure you do…" Patchouli was beginning to conjure a spell…
I grab some of the books and hug them close. "I am having a very important business meeting with my colleagues!" I turn to some black paperback book. "This is Daniel Moore, and he's with the FBI. Tell her, Dan!"
The paperback says nothing, the bastard.
The books and I begin to get pulled towards the edge of the bed. "Look, Smith, do something!" I turned to some thick hardcover with a lock on it. "...Do something!"
I use the book to prop myself against the gravitational pull, which was forcing objects out from under the bed. "Good job, agent Smith! I knew I could count on ya!"
Most of the books were slowly being pulled from underneath, and I hear Koakuma walk back in.
"...Patchouli-sama, if you don't bother me asking…"
I make myself as scarce as I can behind 'agent Smith' as I dubbed it.
"...What the hell are you doing!?" Koakuma shouts at her. She then bends down to pick up the black paperback I had dubbed 'Daniel Moore'. "...Oooh ho ho ho~! Patchy~sama, I didn't know you- Eek!" Koakuma ducked under a whirling tome. "Look, I can help you with- Hey!"
As Koakuma dodged numerous tomes, the gravitational pull weakened. Not like I could go anywhere from here, though…
One of said tomes flies into "agent Smith", capsizing my blockade. I scramble away from the gravity pull, but sadly Patchouli takes notice and it gets strong enough to pull me in.
"Yo, no no no n- Oof…"
I end up hugging a ball of books and things. Help, no.
"...Are you done?" Patchouli questions, looking bored.
I shake my head. "You'll never take me-!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"-alive…" I finished, now back in the bed with a big, goofy lock with chains on it around the covers.
Patchouli turned back to her computer. "Now be quiet."
Magic words. "No. I won't!"
"...I can make you be quiet, if you prefer." Oooh. "No one will hear you if you need any necessities."
"So you'd prefer if I pissed myself in your bed? I see how it is, yo…" I nod as best I can while all tucked in.
"...Koakuma will check on you from time to time, then." Uh oh!
I'd rather not, yo. "...I dunno 'bout that…"
"I'd love to!" Koakuma jumps at the opportunity. "Patchouli-sama, can I can I can I!?" She eagerly jumps up and down in place, assorted bits and things bouncing. No, no descriptive words for you! Not even 'assets' or the likes!
"Yes." Patchouli easily agrees.
"Yeeee~!" Koakuma squees.
I sense bad times friend ahead!
"...But for now, he needs nothing." Patchouli states. "I'll cast a silence spell, too."
Koakuma shrugs. "Something's better than nothing, I guess…"
Patchouli floats over to the bedside and raises her arms. I see the silence spell being cast over me, a crescent moon shape raising in the air mistily above me before fading. I suppose this was a moon spell, or something. However, the mist rested somewhere on my head, and I guessed it was my throat. I tried talking, and even I couldn't hear myself!
"There we are. No more from you." She returned to the laptop again.
...My question is if this was really more secure than before. It… didn't feel tighter, just more stiff.
...I began wiggling again, no noise produced because of the silence spell. Wait, hold the phone…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
There we are…
I crouch on the floor again, Patchouli not having noticed a thing. I glance under the bed, and now there's no stuff under it, except for empty sadness.
Cli-click. Patchouli double-clicked something!
Cli-click, cli-click, cli-click…
I look for my sack and find it on the end table next to the bed, and upon picking it up, I reach in and pull out some friends.
"hoh" Stanley makes a hushed, fluffy noise.
I bring a finger to my lips, making a "shhh" expression, and thanks to the silence spell I couldn't really make noise.
Patchouli begins typing something, and I hear the tappa tappa of the keyboard. I dunno what she's typing, but- she stopped. I need to take advantage of noises better!
"Koakuma, check!" Patchouli calls out.
"Ye~s!" a squeal comes from distance! Crap!
Alright, quickly does it now! I run up behind Patchouli and raise the fluffles slowly over her head, and they get progressively more excited, shifting in my arms as I raise them.
Koakuma cheerfully flutters into the room, only to stop abruptly once she sees me.
"..." Patchouli glances over to her. "...Problem?"
I scowl at Koakuma, and mouth out 'not another move or the magi gets it'. Freakin' silence spells.
"...Y-yeah. I think there's a problem, Patchouli-sama…" Koakuma tries to point at me, and I threateningly raise the fluffles as if I'm gonna drop them and she flinches in response.
"...Spit it out, then. You were eager to check moments prior. What's this hesitation?" Patchouli looks to her and narrows her eyes. "Could it be that there's morality even among succubi?"
I smirk at Koakuma and open my mouth as if I'm obnoxiously laughing loudly.
"N-no… I'd be eager to, but-"
"Is it too easy for you? Is that it?" Patchouli gives a sly, sideways smirk to her succubus familiar. "Do you want him to struggle as you do it? I'm sure he would, if you'd give him a chance to."
I make a hip thrusting gesture behind Patchouli, and nod my head exaggeratedly, distracting Koakuma.
"You appear distracted, familiar. Does my description tickle your fancy?"
Koakuma starts getting pissed. "N-no! Nothing's tickling any fancies right now! Patchouli-sama…!" Koakuma trails off awkwardly as I stop making silly gestures and tense up as if I'd drop the fluffles again.
"...Did I strike a nerve?" Patchouli fully turns her chair to Koakuma. "Succubi really are fascinating… and here I thought you had no shame."
Koakuma has had enough! "Patchouli-sama, behind you~!"
I get ready to drop the fluffles, but Patchouli doesn't even bother to turn.
"...Did you think such a trick would work on me? Silly girl." Patchouli folded her arms, amused.
I give Patchouli a funny glance as if I were surprised too, and then I just shrug and begin dancing jauntily, which only serves to irritate Koakuma further.
She's really had enough now! Koakuma moves up to Patchouli, who seems surprised.
"What are you-"
Patchouli stops as Koakuma latches onto the chair and gets ready to whirl it around, but I glare at her and ready the fluffles.
"...I-if we're ever going to think of doing that, it will be on my terms. I know your game." Patchouli pushes Koakuma away with telekinesis, and Koakuma looks ready to eviscerate me. "Don't look so peeved, you. It makes you too easy to read."
"...You know what? Drop them on her, for all I care. Patchouli-sama, Brad's standing behind you holding some fluffles to drop on your head." Koakuma spills the beans! The only reason I didn't drop them midsentence was because…
Patchouli stops, and slowly whirls her chair around, and I walk to the left as she spins to the right. Upon finding nothing, she continues to spin to the right as I walk to the left and Koakuma's jaw drops.
The succubus then proceeds to grab a mirror from Patchouli's vanity nearby, and holds it up. Patchouli pauses when she sees me after her single rotation.
Shit. Whelp, have fun, Patchy!
I drop the fluffles, who promptly flail wildly in excitement and whirl around Patchouli's head, a dust cloud forming.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Patchouli's seated at her desk, half of a tissue box's contents lying in a crumpled pile next to her laptop.
Koakuma sheepishly shoots a lopsided grin at her, and she glares back.
I'm busy tapdancing because the silence spell lets me do so with ease. When Patchouli glares at me, I stop… but when she turns to the tissue box to sneeze, I resume!
"...This has- ugh…" Patchouli pauses to sneeze. "...This has proven… more problematic than I thought it would…"
The fluffles are calmly sitting next to me, a soft aura of dusty love flowing from their bodies into the air around them. They're soft, and cuddly-looking…!
"...I was trying to tell you…" Koakuma hesitantly begins.
Patchouli looks cross. "You could have done so more efficiently!" Pause to sneeze…! "...At the very least, you could have quick- guah…" I hate it when I have to stop to sneeze midsentence, too. "...quickly acted to rectify the situation." Patchouli stuffily finished her sentence.
I shrug and begin 'talking', randomly rambling unheard words into the void. The idea is that she sees me talking and undoes the silence spell!
"...And here you are, not even forming coherent sentences..." Leave it to a magi to be a lip reader. Freakin'...
She waves her arm in a circle, forming some kind of magical circle as she does so.
"-all, truck, cat, dog- oh." I stop once I hear my voice.
"...Also, Koakuma, you have my permission to..." Kaboom! Bless your nose, yo! "'check' him." Patchouli announces before sneezing some more.
Koakuma turns to me, and I jump back a bit. "I have a plant hanger and I know how to use it, yo. I… am Turok!" I take out Swift Brand and hold it in a position that's useless from a practical standpoint, but I think it looks cool. I think.
"...I'll find a way." Koakuma bends and winks at me, doing that whole routine where she brings finger to her cheek and uh… at that point the production value's so over the top I'm more impressed by the performance of the expression rather than the actual bouncing b- No descriptive words!
"...I'm sure you-" Kaboom! Did someone call in a nose-strike!?... I'll see myself out for that one. "...I'm sure you will." Patchouli finishes, and blows her nose.
…
"With nothing else going on, I'm just gonna-" I try to open the door to find it suddenly magically sealed.
"No." Patchouli denies. "You are not going to leave this room. Koakuma, see him back to the bed." Patchouli successfully held out until she finished her sentence, and freakin' exploded into a sneezing mess.
"Come- woah!" Koakuma ducked as I ripped out Quake Bloomer, the shaft soaring over her head.
"Doors cannot hold- oof!" I feel a tug at the hanger, and turn to see Koakuma trying to rip it from my grasp. I tug back and we get into a tug-of-war for it!
"I-I promise I'll make it feel rea~l good!" Koakuma begins trying to argue with me!
"There are three things in life that are constant: death, taxes, and your freakin' bojangles!" I didn't feel like discussing logistics with a succubus, so I'll just discuss something stupid instead!
Her face lights up. "You could feel them if you wanted to!"
I shake my head. "I can indeed feel their presence corrupting the room! Little did you know, I am Turok, the bojangle hunter!" Quick question: the hell's a bojangle? ...Don't get back to me on that- and yes, I do mean aside from the euphemism that means boobs.
Koakuma blushes. "You can hunt my bo-"
"Where are they!?" I tug with great force and throw Koakuma off balance. "I know they have infested the room! The bojangle is a flightless bird capable of great destruction, I know so!"
...It's fun to make shit up!
"There is no such thing." Patchouli solemnly shakes her head from her chair.
...Nevermind.
I get ready to ram the door, and Koakuma hastily throws herself from the floor and hugs me from behind, her hands softly running on the surface of my shirt. "...You know, if you could just-"
I dash forward towards the door and she's forced to cling to me instead. "Relax, dammit!"
Bam! The door flew open, the basic, hastily applied seal coming undone.
I hear a sigh from the bedroom. "Looks like I'll have to intervene… again." Patchouli, please.
I dash across the rather quaint and casual living space and bash into another door.
Bam!
...That was probably an unnecessary amount of force for an unsealed door, but whatever!
I knew Patchouli was probably catching up behind me, so I just dashed forward as fast as I could with the hanger held forward! I did have to be careful of bookshelves, though; but for right now that won't be a problem…
Fwi-Choom!
I move towards the right as a laser shoots past me.
"You're gonna fry me, too!" Koakuma barks back at her mistress.
"Your fault for not stopping him." Patchouli's monotone comes from behind us!
I slowly strafe a bit as I run, which is really freakin' tiring but seems-
Fwi-Choom!
...necessary. Also, having Koakuma hold on for dear life isn't helping matters!
Fwi-Choom!
…
As my fatigue builds, I begin to slow down to the point Koakuma is struggling to stand up behind me and Patchouli's practically just hovering overhead. She stopped firing lasers, at least.
"Haahh… hooh… huuh... " My deep breaths slowly progress into hyperventilating and eventually I'm forced to stop. "J-just give me a second…"
I pause and lean on a nearby bookshelf. Koakuma awkwardly looks around from her clung position and Patchouli floats down to meet with us.
"...Apparently you're not as physical as I had anticipated." Patchouli hovers to the left and right idly.
"Haahh…" I breathed in response, but I woulda done that anyway!
…
Koakuma starts to stand up, and succeeds. "...You're definitely not as fit as Meiling, that's for sure."
I chuckle. "Was I supposed to be?...'Cause I'm not even close…"
"Some of the fairies made you out to be, sometimes. Some of them. Depending on the time of day, too." Koakuma cryptically provided.
"Yeah, well tell them… don't tell them anything, actually. The more intimidating I sound, the better!" The fairies didn't need to know I was not the super buff human man person that my fairy clobbering spree made me out to be! They just sucked at fighting!
"I assume I'll be able to take you back without much hassle, now?" Patchouli boredly requests.
Say uh… "Patchouli, you left two very adorable but rambunctious fluff people alone in your room."
Patchouli didn't visibly react. "I'm sure they'll be fine for a few moments on their own."
I tilt my head. "I really dunno about that… They're rea~lly fluffy sometimes, and one thing leads to another, and y'know…"
Patchouli looks a little more perturbed, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. "What's that supposed to mean?"
I shrug. "I dunno dude, they're cuddly. Give 'em a sniff."
Patchouli glares at me. "Not again, I'm not."
...Hesitantly, I get into a more solid standing position, still lightly taking deep breaths. Koakuma still had her hands around my freakin' waist!
"...Again, are you going to cease resisting?" Patchouli wasn't unnerved by the fluffy prospects I had introduced, so uh…
I aim Quake Bloomer at a book shelf. "How much property damage would I contribute if I were to uh… buff myself and knock this book shelf over?"
"...I would make sure to minimize it, so such an effort would prove futile with me here." Patchouli explained.
Eheh… "...There's no way out of this, is there?" I feel my breath kinda coming back to me!
Koakuma hugs me from behind. "No~pe! Patchouli-sama, can I keep him?"
I reach into my sack…
"...Maybe. We'll see." Patchouli starts to float closer… "Now, just let me cast that-"
I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "You'll never take me alive!"
Patchouli retains a cautionary distance, but Koakuma didn't register the problem yet.
"You can take me alive…" Koakuma, please.
"...You'll be in no shape to run after you use that on yourself." Patchouli decides. She doesn't know, however, that I've got an… escape plan! ...The Escape Plan, to be specific.
...Funny joke, anyone? No? I should talk to myself less; my puns are getting as bad as Koakuma's flirts.
"Jesus, take the wheel!" I yell, as I toss the hanger at the floor.
Boom!
Koakuma and I are thrown against the bookshelf, and we slide up it a bit from the knockback. Koakuma's grip on me is released because she's probably having more trouble not getting squished against the books than she is sating her lust right now
We fall to the floor and Koakuma kisses the carpet, limbs still propped up against the bookshelf.
I scrambled to grab Quake Bloomer and the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and stuff them into my sack.
"...You're still conscious after that?" Patchouli looked surprised!
"I'm not that weak, you squishy magi, you!" I liked pissing people off too much… but how can I resist my inner internet troll!?
"...In any case, I don't think you'll be doing much running like that. Good job." Patchouli began hovering near me…
I ripped out The Escape Plan. "Exit: stage whatever!" See ya, Patchy-baby!
I dash off with surprising velocity! Well, not that surprising to me, but Patchouli blinked as I ran off.
"...Oh, that hanger. I must be growing careless to forget a detail like that." Patchouli sighed.
I didn't know where I was going, but if I weaved randomly through the shelves, maybe I'd get somewhere!
Turn! Woosh…
…
…
…
Turn! Woosh…
…
A~nd now I was kinda tired again, but the speed from the hanger kinda compensates. That and that explosion really did a number on the whole 'torso stamina' situation. It's more important while running than you'd think, because lungs and ribs and stuff. They hurt!
...Oh, also Patchouli was still overhead because fucking hover magics!
"...Losing me within my own domain is impossible, I'll have you know." Yeah, yeah, be quiet, you.
I raise a fist to the air. "Yeah, I get it! The books have eyes and shit!" I'd add a 'fuck you' but I don't want a saint Elmo's pillar up the ass.
"Patchy~! Remi~! Where are you~?" I heard the calls of a friendly vampire!
I turn and bolt towards the voice! Better than getting tied up and raped by soul-eating succubi!
"For the love of…" Patchouli wasn't amused. Ha!
Fwi-Choom-Choom-Choom-Choom-Choom...!
"Sweet jesus fuck, enough with the lasers!" I shout back to Patchouli. I'm forced to strafe as some poorly aimed, franticly casted lasers trailed my movements.
"I must make this quick…" Patchouli muttered to herself.
"Hmm? What's that…?" Flandre took notice!
I ran until I saw Flandre. "Colonel Flanders! Help!"
Flandre blinked, and turned towards me. "Oh, hello! How are you doing, Brad?"
I run up to Flandre and begin running circles around her as the lasers are now just aimed straight down, to avoid hitting her.
"...Now I'm forced to use the lasers." Patchouli brings her thumb to her mouth and gently nibbles on it, as it were. Why did people do that expression, anyway? Like, how far is too far for something to be an instinctual reaction? You gotta like, think about putting your thumb there and all… nevermind.
"Shoulda used your strongest attack first!" I shout like the cheeky little shit I am.
"Gah…" Patchouli looks peeved. "Annoying."
Flandre looks around gingerly for a few moments, before looking up at Patchouli. "I didn't know you got this easily excited, Patchy!"
Flandre floats up, and gets ready to rumble. "If you wanna play danmaku, just tell me!"
Patchouli's naturally super pale, but I swear she blanched from that. "...That will be fine, little one. I just need to-"
"Nonsense!" Flandre interrupted in a bubbly manner. "I know excitement when I see it, and I know you're raring to go! Let's play!"
Patchouli essentially 'nope'd the fuck out of there and just began floating away at a constant rate.
"Hey, where're you going!?... Do you want to play tag, is that it!?" Flandre shouts after her. "...I don't feel like tag right now. I dunno…"
Flandre floats back down idly. "Patchy needs to make up her mind sometimes… geez…"
I take this moment to sit down and freakin' exist, yo…
…
Flandre turns to me. "How about you? Do you feel like playing?"
I look at her. "...Do I look like I'm playin', yo?"
Flandre shrugs.
"...That's cause I'm not!... I'm freakin' destroyed, yo." I bask in the softness of Patchouli's carpets. They're soft, and relaxing!
Flandre sighed, but then noticed the hanger I was holding. "Hey, I see you're using that hanger I gave you! Is it working out well?"
I nod. "It's fun. Useful for escaping imminent pain." Little did many original characters and self-inserts realize that while Flandre is potentially dangerous at times, she has indirectly saved my ass from total annihilation on numerous occasions with that plant hanger she experimented with!
...thud... Thud...Thud!...Thud!...
...Flandre and I look to the source of the noise, and see Koakuma in a large suit of stone and metal armor. She's very slowly stepping along one foot at a time, and I notice Patchouli cautiously trailing behind the giant suit.
"Oooh~!" Flandre's raises her hands to her cheeks as she lets out an excited squeal. She runs up to the large protective suit and hugs it, the armor cracking upon contact, and Koakuma's pupils contracting in fear.
"You always know exactly what to get me, Patchy!" Flandre rubbed her cheek against the torso of the suit.
Koakuma looks up at me and starts shaking her head really fast. I shake mine back and she glares at me.
Patchouli walks out from behind the armored Koakuma and past Flandre.
I point at her armored familiar. "Making use of the 'one for all' tactic, huh Patchouli?"
"Very much so. Now, we don't have all day…" Patchouli raises her hand, waves emanating from a purple haze in the middle of her palm.
Then, Flandre glomps her, sending her to the floor. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Patchouli's hand clamps to her head, casting the sleep spell on her.
But the move failed!
Thud!
"H-help!" Patchouli barked meekly from the floor, the hug presumably too tight.
Thud!
"Hey, Flandre! The doll is getting away!" I pointed to Koakuma, who was making a very slow escape…
Thud!
"What? Come back!" Flandre ran and dove for the 'doll'.
Cr-crack! Boom…
Koakuma fell out of the broken stone and iron suit, and began clambering away from Flandre. "N-no! Get away from me!"
Flandre looked crestfallen. "...Why was that mean lady inside?"
Patchouli slowly rose from the floor, a hand to her chest. "...Th-thank you for the save… I suppose…"
I extend my hand. "No more rape, no more capture attempts, and-... hold on, I still need my reward for the library thing! With the fluffles that invaded!" I nearly forgot about that! The only reason I remembered is because I went back and read the previous chap-
Yukari's stern glare as she leaned out of a gap from behind Patchouli reminded me that the fourth wall was not a toy.
...chapters of that novel I picked up from the bookstore the other day! Heh heh… heh?
…
Anyway, yeah.
"Sakuya told me you blatantly fled the scene. I'm more inclined to believe her than you." For the love of…
"Well, call her down, then! I'll get the truth!" I clap my hands together. "Sakuya-san, Sakuya-san! Room cleaning, stop! Room, cleaning, stop!"
… No response! I had to make that joke though.
Patchouli snorted in response, then proceeded to try. "Sakuya~!"
And like that, Sakuya appeared. "Yes, Patchouli-sama?"
"This boy fled from the scene during the fluffle invasion, right?" Patchouli questioned.
Sakuya shook her head. "No, he and that other manchild were there. They weren't doing much but getting pressed in by the fluffy forces, but they were there."
Patchouli blinked. "Pressed in? By fluffles?"
Sakuya nodded. "Were it not for our special forces division, it'd probably have taken the bulk of the manor's fairies to make it work."
"...Huh." Patchouli didn't know what to make of that.
"...Will that be all?" Sakuya asked. "I'm rather busy at the moment…"
I wave my hands. "Hello, Sakuya!"
Flandre walks up to Sakuya. "Hello!"
"...Don't do anything stupid, you." She immediately chastises me and turns to Flandre. The nerve! Oh well, yo. I'll let it slide… because she can easily kick my ass, as she's proved previously.
Maybe I should be a little less ballsy…
…
Pffft! You guys totally thought I was using common sense for a moment there, didn't you? Psyche!
"Come, little mistress. I'll prepare your meal for you." Sakuya took Flandre's hand.
Flandre looked a little defiant, but complied anyway. "Sakuya~... I was gonna play with Patchy and Brad…"
They walked off and disappeared behind the bookshelves.
"...I was going to ask her for tea..." Patchouli vainly provided, staring at the air where she was.
"Oh, boo hoo. Try some Kool-Aid next time, I'm sure you won't regret it." I add, leaning pseudo-charismatically against the bookshelf.
"I'm sure that stuff would be the nail in the coffin for me." Patchouli shook her head. "In any case, I'm sure you're looking for that reward, then…"
I rub my hands together. "Ooh, boy! Stuff!"
I walked with her to wherever her 'study' might be…
"...So, 'bout that laptop…" Time to press this!
"...How do you know that's what it's called?" Patchouli desperately attempts to defuse me, but it is no use!
"Honey… I'm from the outside world. Me and computers are like water and freakin'... the Earth. If I was elemental, I'd be Internet elemental, yo. If I wasn't Kool-Aid elemental, or fanfic elemental, that is." Fanfic magic OP, yo.
"...I see." Patchouli says. She's either being thoughtful or dismissive, and I dunno which one!
Also, how uh… "...How did this mansion get internet access, anyway?"
Patchouli pauses. "...Yukari?"
I nod. "Seems legit."
We reach Patchouli's study desk, and she sits down at it. "Alright…" ...She taps the desk lightly in contemplation.
"...You do know what my reward was supposed to be, right?"
"...I was going to give you a tome at the time, but I've thought better of the idea now…" Oh, sod off.
...I don't think telling her to sod off would get me any closer to learning magic, though.
We mill about for a good few moments, until Patchouli snaps her fingers. "Got it."
Hmm? "What is it, yo?" I hope it's something good…!
"...I'll have Koakuma decide something."
…
Gettin' real tired of your shit, Patchy…
"...Oh, don't look at me like that. I'll make sure it's actually a reward and not… well, a 'reward'." Patchouli reassures me.
"...Thank you." I respect the notion! I unfold my arms and stop giving her my patented "gonna fucking destroy you" glare I liked to give people at my school all the time. I was a very vain person back in school!
"...Koakuma!" Patchouli shouts. "...Hmm. We'll just have to wait for her to make her way back, then. Inconvenient, I know, but she's difficult like that, sometimes." Can't you just summon her to this spot or something!? Gaahh…
...
...I'd challenge Patchy to chess, but I remember that she's a mage; y'know, notorious for being crazy smart and all that. So, instead…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Chalk boards are fun!
"Hangman. Seriously?" Patchouli boredly glances up from the book she was reading.
"Yes. We are playing Hangman." To my right was an illustration of a pole and ten blanks next to it!
...Right now I'm wondering if-
"E."
Hey, she's playin' along! "One E…" I write it so it looks like _ E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
"...I."
I write it so it looks like _ E _ _ I _ _ _ I _. "Two I's…" ...Also, those are like, the letter "eye", not "el". It's all uppercase; I don't mean to be patronizing, friends, but that's something I myself might have been confused about!
"...B."
I write it so it looks like B E _ _ I _ _ _ I _. "One B…"
"...Bewitching." Patchouli's head lowered so she could look at the book again.
I dropped the chalk. "I don't even know how you did that."
"You looked at me for too long before writing it. I simply assumed it had something to do with witchcraft." ...Shit, she saw that?...I, uh, was actually ogling her, not thinking about the… y'know nevermind…
"...Here." She levitates the eraser and chalk from her seat. Freakin' slob… I wish I could do that…
Ten blanks, she writes! Let's do this!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well, my guy has been hung at the gallows!
The total at the end was _ _ _ S.
"...What even was it?" I ask. I had no idea what exactly could go in the first three blanks by this point.
"Zygospores."
"...Zygospores." I confirm Z, Y, and G. Two letters of which no one would ever fucking guess in a hangman game because they're like suicide.
"...Indeed." Patchouli didn't look up from her book at all while this took place!
"...Now that's just unfair." I fold my arms.
Patchouli flips a page. "Not if you're literate."
...I knew a similarly asshole-ish word, though! "Oohhh ho ho ho…!"
I write out six blanks on the board. "Try it, sister."
She glances up. "...Z."
Oh, balls. Z _ _ _ _ _
"...Y."
Fuck me. Z _ _ _ Y _
"...Zephyr."
I flip the chalkboard and it spins on its little rotate-y thing. "Graahh!"
"...I'm quite surprised you know a word like that." Patchouli admits.
I slouch. "I only remembered it because it began with a Z and had a Y in it at the same time…"
She flips a page. "...You should have seen that coming. If you had, you probably could have tripped me up for at least two words."
"What can I say, I got greedy yo…" ...As we humans do!
"...As humans typically do." Called it! "...Then again, I am not far from human myself."
I'd ask her what she means by that, but instead I just give a smug 'go on' gesture with my hands. "...I may be a born magician, but the main advantage we have over humanity is our mana pools, minds, and magical talent."
If magi are smarter… "...Why are there more humans than magi?" This was a legitimate question!
Patchouli actually looks up from her book to stare into my freakin' soul. "...Tell me, is there any mana left in the air of the outside world?"
...Well. That answers my question.
"Exactly."
Page flip.
"...Curiosity is naturally greedy, in a way." Patchouli admits.
I nod. "Yeah, I hear that a lot, and it really is. Typically, humans are bashed often for ignorance, but not only that, we also get bashed for our curiosity. Like, what can we do that's not freakin' stupid?"
"...Hmhm, it's more of a morality to curiosity balance ratio than it is hatred for curiosity itself. The greed for it, however, is what often violates moral standards." Patchouli flips a page.
"...Is it bad to be greedy?" I ask her.
Patchouli's eyes scan the page. "...Yes, and no. Many non-humans might dismiss you for such a question on the spot. Humans often have poor judgement, however. They judge based on environment, and based on preconceived variables from their respective environments and upbringings. I'm talking school children attempting to deal with youkai in the same manner they might deal with the village idiot. Different, funny-looking, and unique? To them, that screams 'target'. They come up to youkai and make fun of them. To youkai, that screams 'dinner'. After all, if they can't be scared, the next best thing is to… feed directly."
...So in summary, bad judgement is being a generic highschooler and treating youkai like generic highschoolers. "...Describe good judgement for me, if you would."
Patchouli pauses for a moment, then flips the page. "...Adapting one's expectations to their new environment instead of lazily bringing silly things like social structuring with them, I suppose."
... After a few moments, Patchouli continues. "Youkai are not as different from humans as they'd like to believe. However, by no means are they equal or the same, and youkai as a term in and of itself is a vast generalization of many species that may encompass it, barring the non sentient beasts here or there. Youkai expect to be respected for their abilities, and by extension, feared. To be insulted by the ignorant, however, is another story. The reason today's humans and the common youkai are incompatible is because humans will, with utmost certainty, value themselves higher. Underestimate whom they're talking with. Believe themselves better, or believe their youkai counterparts as weird, evil, malicious or simply laughable."
"...To an extent, this is understandable. Humans have developed with no other sentient species present, and even have trouble understanding one another, all too often opting for spreading hatred and conflict over even the most petty of differences. Lack of communication kills." Patchouli finishes, flipping a page slowly.
I bring a hand to my chin. "...Would things work out better if youkai understood where the humans were coming from? I know we humans can be ignorant twats the majority of the time, but wouldn't youkai be more receptive if they were savvy with how the outside world operates?"
Patchouli actually closed her book! "...Depends. Youkai are naturally quite proud, so ignorance and pride on behalf of the humans will probably still damage relations. There's a number of other intrinsic factors, including how humans seek technological advancement, which is something youkai typically haven't ever been reported contemplating. Our species and numbers are far too… fickle, as it were. Interspecies relations on a mass scale is quite a complex science. I'm quite glad I'm not a politician."
...Me too!
"...In any case, the fact you could sit in one place and listen so long is legitimately surprising to me." Patchouli begins to open her book again, sensing the bulk of the conversation as over.
I smile. "While humans are definitely not all that they make themselves out to be… I think character is something that should be handled with care, and I think youkai would agree with that notion."
...I'd also like to add that if I'm writing fanfiction like this, I can't be that freakin' stupid!
"...You shouldn't say things like that." Patchouli recognizes an error in my speech. "You'd probably be dismissed as just another one of them with the way that you structured that last sentence."
"Am I wrong? I know saying those three words is also a grave error, but you seem to be understanding where I come from when I say these things." She seems to be using a more neutral tone.
"...No, you're not wrong. Just foolish." There we are… "...Be thankful you're not having this conversation with Remi, or things would have gone a lot differently."
Eheh… "Yeah…"
…
"Still, I cannot fault one for their curiosity. That's a trait I admire very much myself." Patchouli adds, probably both because it's true and to keep the conversation from ending on such a low note.
I stretch my arms back and crack my neck a bit. Life at a computer does that to you… "Ma~n, all this talk about abstract social constructs and guff really tires me out!"
"...I'd figure." Patchouli subtly jabs as she turns the page again. The hell's she reading, anyway…? I glance at the tome, and it's freakin' blank. The era of unmarked books sucks.
Patchouli snorts about something. "...You could afford to be a little more subtle with your facial expressions, you know."
I raise my arms exaggeratedly. "Yo! I'm freakin' fluffy!"
Koakuma finally arrives, carrying some chunks from that super armor she had on earlier. "A-ah… I c-cleaned up the debris, m-mistress…" She could barely hold the stuff, but I wasn't in the mood to help her!
"...Set it down in the corner and I'll melt it down into rock cubes or something for future use." Patchouli instructed her idly.
"...A-alright…"
...Thud!
"...There…" Koakuma breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to look at me. "You!"
"Koakuma, stay."
Koakuma jerks her head back and furrows her brows. "...Stay?...Stay!? I'm a succubus, not a damn dog!"
"...Koakuma?"
She glares at Patchouli. "What?"
"...Stay."
"...Fine." Koakuma folds her arms and stands in place.
…
"...I need you to teach Brad here a spell of some sort. Nothing exclusive to succubi, and no hands-on demonstrations. No using any examples on him, either. It also has to be reasonable to his mana pool." Patchouli instructs her familiar.
"...I thought we were trying to capture him." Koakuma claims as she looks away from Patchouli.
"...Keyword being 'were'." Patchouli sighed. "Just do as I ask."
"...Fine." Koakuma relents again, and then she looks at me. "...I'll teach you how to…"
...She, like Patchouli, pauses to think. I wonder what shitty spell I'm going to be taught this time…
"...Alright, this is the most worthless spell I have. If I'm going to be forced to legitimately teach you something, it's gonna be something like…"
Patchouli sighs and shakes her head as she stares into her book. Koakuma raises her hands to the air, and brings them down.
Splosh!
… Next to me falls a generic, white pillow, which goes splosh as it hits the ground.
"...The fuck is this?" I poke it with my sneaker a bit…
"...It's a pillow." Koakuma replies, before her expression grows sultry. "...Technically, my pillow."
I raise a brow. "...Technically?"
"...It's a magically generated pillow." Koakuma reveals. "...It's also soaked in my love juices."
…
"...So who the fuck made this spell?" I had to know. What utter maniac made something this impractical?... I'd like to meet them!
"...One of the succubi queens of old." Koakuma provides. "I don't know how old the spell even is, but I will tell you that any succubi you meet knows how to cast it. It's just that none of us ever do."
...I don't think I wanna meet a succubus queen, though. The phermones'd kill me. It's been a gradual process, but Koakuma's are kinda-sorta-not really negligible now. I mean, I'm not constantly talking about the boner she gives me, so there's that.
Okay. "...So, why?"
Koakuma seemed to sympathize with how awkward I thought the spell was. "The purpose is that, in case a succubi didn't have functioning or powerful enough pheromones, they could use this pillow to directly influence humans. Due to the wet nature, we'd either have to burn the pillow to create a sort of 'erotic fire', or just shove it into their mouths and assault them with it."
...That sounds hilariously inefficient. "...I assume this was during a time before succubi were as developed as today." ...Or something, right?...Right?
"...One could only hope." Koakuma agrees. Jesus, fuck.
…
"...Incubi don't know this spell either; it's been a strictly succubus tradition that just hasn't ever been relevant to go back to. We're kinda born knowing how to do it, among other more useful succubus-related spells and skills, but this is by far the most useless spell… and you'll be the first male pretty much ever to know how to do it."
Goodie for me! "So, how do I go about learning it?"
"...We could either try the tedious process of plotting out formulas and magical concepts… that even I don't know, or~ I could do this the easy way…"
Patchouli turns from her book. "No sex, no kissing, and no ejaculations."
"...Is it okay if I kiss the hand, then?" Koakuma asks, looking annoyed.
"That should be fine. No lipstick, though." Patchouli adds, a tissue floating over to Koakuma.
"...Whatever." Koakuma wipes the lipstick from her lips. "Happy, buzzkill-sama?"
"...Remind me to reprimand you for that later." Patchouli didn't seem to particularly care, though.
Koakuma abruptly lifts my hand and quickly pecks the back of it, and suddenly I feel funny!... Like, the weird kinda funny…
I wobbled for a few moments, before my vision refocused and I blinked a bit.
...I feel like I knew something, now. I dunno what, but it was something!
Throwing my hand up into the air, I brought it down and…
...a pillow fell on the floor in front of me and Koakuma. She leaned down and examined it, only to stand up and back away hastily. I walked up to it myself, and noticed it was crusty…
…
What a familiar scent. I didn't expect to smell my own uh… residue… ever again!
...Man, that description was just disgusting. Sorry, friends!
"...Stale cum is the worst." Koakuma backs away, a little freaked out.
Patchouli's eyes widen and she turns to look at the pillow. "...Should...should I burn it?"
Koakuma shakes her head violently. "No! Not unless you vaporize it! Didn't you listen to me!?"
"...I-I don't want something like that in the library…!" Patchouli stood up and put her book down on its pages.
Koakuma waved her arms. "W-well, do something, then!"
"Fire Sign! Saint Elmo's Pillar!"
I stood back as the pillow underwent a baptism by fire. Amber light washed over the study as a pillar of flame reaching into the air above erupted from the floor, vaporizing it. When the pillar was gone, there was just a scorch mark on the floor.
…
I grin. "...There is serious bullshit potential to be had with this…!"
Patchouli's gaze darts to me, alarmed. "Don't cast that in here! Not again!"
...She turns to Koakuma, folding her arms. "...This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!"
Koakuma threw her arms up. "You told me to teach him something! I taught him something!"
I hold a hand. "Oh, don't worry guys. I wouldn't think of casting it here."
"...What have you done?" Patchouli made that fun tired and vain expression to her familiar!
Koakuma's frustration was increasing! "Gyaah!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 18
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
fun fun times
writing those intelligent-y segments always feels super weird, in like a good way
freakin', i had more to say but i always end up doing these note bits far too late for me to remember
in any case, see you all next time!
