(in which we write checks our bodies can't cash)
After learning that spell, they pretty much let me leave the library without question!
...Why did I want to get out of the library in the first place? Oh, right, there was that whole incident with the vines going on. Right, right…
I stood in the middle of yet another scarlet hallway. The whole maze-y thing wasn't quite back yet, so I don't dread wandering the halls. At the moment, anyway. Also, considering the small scale of the hallway structure at the moment, the hallways felt like a busy city commute with all the fairy maids hustling and bustling about.
I pass by a generic yellow fairy maid with a pony tail, who then proceeds to bump into me forcefully.
I turn to her a little disbelievingly. "Yo, what- ah...?"
...Alright, I'm gonna say this now; despite my constant railing on fairies of being horndogs, I'm sure not that many of them are as much of sexual deviants as Komi and her cronies. At least, that's what I thought.
That was until some generic fairy maid in the hallways groped my ass! Bad touch!
"Excuse me!?" I turn around and she's forced to let go, blushing. She turns away and starts to walk faster. I'm not gonna take this lying down, as much as I welcome the attention!
I run up behind her and grab her ass with both hands. I haven't done this before, so it feels kinda weird, but y'know-
"Kyyaah!" she screams, whirling around. Flattening her hand? Fuck-
Swoosh…!
...that!
Thankfully I backed up in time; as agile as I perceive myself as, I don't think I coulda ducked that one. I also made sure to go at an angle so that she couldn't just walk forward and slap me silly, albeit that was kinda the involuntary "oh shit something's about to hit me" reflex at work.
"P-pervert…!" The maid backed away from me cautiously, clenching her bum. Other fairy maids in the hallway stopped to observe the commotion, clearly part of her plan.
"Hey, you did it first! Don't give me that shit today, lad!" I pointed at her. She wanted to get all her chucklefucks in on this? Okay, let's do that! Bring 'em on!
"W-what are you talking about…?" You cheeky piece of shit…
I walked towards her as she backed up, pointing at her. "No, no, no. You groped me first. So I groped you, and now you're the one getting all bent out of shape? Fuck you!" Ahhh, hallway rage. The best kind of rage next to road rage and sidewalk rage.
"T-that's not what happened!" She backed away semi-fearfully. "Y-you're being mean!"
I spread my arms out. "Fairies! People! She's trying to blatantly force you to sympathize with her! She's a manipulator!"
I hear murmurs from the crowd. "What is he talking about…?" "That hairy guy is trying to hurt Yellow-chan!" "What a pervert…"
...Oh, right, I'm talking to fairies. They're probably worse than high schoolers when it comes to this sort of thing. Shit.
"...Fuck's sakes..." I ready the Escape Plan, once again mentally thanking Flandre for saving my ass yet again.
Yellow-chan, who was named by loving parents, clearly, proceeded to capitalize on the groupthink. "S-stop him! He-he's been harassing me!"
Been harassing you!? Do I need another ass kicking session in this mansion in the foreseeable future or what!?
...also, do fairies even have kids? Or parents?... I don't think so. Hmm.
I dash off as danmaku waves slowly trail behind me. I make for Remilia's room, because I don't think I'd get disturbed there. Being the only male in a mansion full of stupid fairies is worse than you'd think!
Hashtag first… world... problems? This isn't necessarily 'first world', but these aren't typical problems either!
I cut past hallways as the trail of angry fairies slowly grows behind me. How easy were they to convince one another, anyway?
It is at this point it occurs to me that I am literally eighteen chapters and two hundred thousand words into this fanfic and I'm still being chased around by angry fairies.
Game is hard. If only I'd have some conveniently super-utilitarian power or something like all those fanfic protagonists usually have! I'm just a guy with fancy shit right now!
...and the ability to make crusty pillows fall from above. Also, some basic fire and water magic, but that's beside the point!
I suddenly have to dodge harder as I notice the fairies have suddenly gotten on my ass despite their slow speed. I wonder why this is, but I look back and noticed that Yukari has literally gapped the length of the hallway between me and them away, portions of scenery disappearing into the gap lines then re-appearing when the fairies should be passing them.
...Why would Yukari be- oh, right, I broke the fourth wall just then. Guess I deserve this, then!
The murmur of "tatatatat", "Fwi-Choom", and "Pi~chun"s motivate me to keep moving my aching legs.
Yeah, some of them were mowing down each other, the wily rascals. It'd be awesome if Yellow-chan somehow got herself killed in the stampede she started, but I doubt it.
While I was thinking all of this, I reached Remilia's door! I kicked it open-
C-reeee!
-and instead of a eerie creak, it emitted this high pitch squeal that made my skin crawl. Eeugh!
...Remilia wasn't here, she was at the gates. Balls.
I slammed the door behind me, and heard sounds of violence. It'd only be a matter of time before they just outright broke it open!
Okay, options… I'm on the upper level, so windows aren't an option- why'd this room even have windows? Remilia hates the sun!
Ba-bam-bam-ba-b-bam-bam!
The door was getting smashed, yo!
I could hide under the bed, but what if they find me? Near the bed? Yeah, no!
...There was tea on the counter. As tempting as it was to sit and drink tea waiting for them, I'd like to not stick around for the inevitable pain train.
B-bam-bambam-bam-b-b-ba-bam! Cr-crack!
"Christ, keep it down out there!" I shout, knowing no one would actually hear it over the violence. I saw wood chips flying off the door- Remilia'd be pissed.
Remilia…
...I wonder…
Bam-bam-ba-ba-bam! Cr-cr-cra~ck!
"Christ, the pizza delivery service is brutal these days…" I comment while removing my monk garb and trying desperately to slip one of Remilia's tops on. Let me tell you this: they don't fucking fit, but I don't care!
Bam! Crack! Bam! Crack!
I look to the door and see danmaku pellets making their way through holes, fairies trying to reach through it like bloody zombies, only for their friends to turn them to swiss. Jesus.
By now I've slipped off my monk garb and am trying to fit Remilia's long skirt on. Well, it's more like a 'knee skirt' on me. Eheh…
Boosh!
Fairies began crawling in through larger holes.
I slipped Remilia's mob cap on. To make the appearance work, I like, kneel at her tea table, trying to make my shirt not look completely horrible. Sadly, I didn't have awesome red eyes, vampire powers, or any of that shit. Nor did I have as pale of skin as she did (not by much, mind you!), nor did I have the lavender-ish hair. Infact, my face was totally wrong too.
But if there was any way to go, yo, this would be it! I hastily shoved my monk garb into the sack of wonders and things...
I do my best to sport that good 'ol "I'm gonna eat you" glare of mine, and rest my arms on the table and bring my hands together in a Doctor Doom-esque way, trying to look as vampiricly charismatic as possible. I'd fold my legs, but that's fucking hard when you're kneeling, so I don't.
The fairies blinked confusedly at the sight before them, as the remains of the door behind them were smashed in various manners, be it vaporized by heavy danmaku exposure or torn apart by excited fairies.
They calmed down as they cautiously neared the tea table, and my appearance received mixed reception.
"W-well? Why aren't we attacking him?" asked someone from the crowd. I don't freakin' know!
"B-but it's the mistress! We can't!"
"That's not the mistress, you stupid-!"
"What!? Really!?"
Apparently, intelligence was a mixed bag amongst them. I clear my throat, and the fairies quiet down.
I glare at them and prepare to speak. Hopefully my girl voice doesn't suck that bad!
"...What are you imbeciles doing in my abode?" I could tell I was already not in character, but I don't think they cared! I had my hand on my face in a sort of facepalm-esque thing, but in reality I had my hand on my nose to make my voice nasally. It's no girl voice, but it's not my weird ass man voice!
"...U-uhm…" It was Yellow-chan who spoke up! "...D-did you see a pervert around here…?"
I wonder. "...Yes."
Her face lights up. "W-where did he…"
"That pervert… is you." I declare.
Some of the fairies gasp, while others stare at me skeptically, probably knowing who I really was, but against saying it lest they further confuse their lovably retarded companions.
She stares at me with a shocked expression. "W-what...how?"
"I see all within my walls, you know." I declare. "...I did not like what I saw."
I bring my fist down on the table. "...Leave."
Fairies begin filing out, but Yellow-chan remains, glaring at me. "...Y-you're wrong…"
The fairies stop and turn to her, eyes widening.
"You're wrong, mistress! You're nothing but a big, fat, phony!" Yellow-chan roars, glaring at me with fury unseen in the likes of a fairy before.
Now every fairy gasped at her in awe, backing away as she stepped- no, stomped towards me. Holy fucking shit!
The jig is up boys! The jig is bloody up! I rise from my chair and dash to the window!
"Get her! The mansion, is ours!" Yellow-chan shouts, and the fairies all go for me.
Smash!
I dive out the window, saluting them as I fall backwards.
…
I jump again before I hit the floor.
So, did you guys forget I could double jump, or what? 'Cause I certainly almost did! Then I remembered those other times I leapt out windows and how they turned out: surprisingly well!
...This was also one of those rare times where I could pull out some bullshit from-my-ass tactic, but have it actually be legitimate because it was pre-established like literally eighteen chapters ago.
...I'm still dressed in a laughably small, pink dress, most of my skin exposed. Oh, man, those guys who thought I was really Remilia? They were not going to have a good time when they go to attack the real Remilia.
...I'm also outside, and it's night now.
After a few clumsy moments of throwing the monk garb on in exchange for Remilia's goodies, I decide to keep her mob cap on because it's poofy. And cuddly. It's also very poofy. Very, very poofy.
...I sit outside for a little while simply patting my new hat, but I shake my head and convince myself that that's probably something I could do on my own time. Y'know, not like I had a lot of that, right?
I could make my way to the front of the manor, but then I'd have to have a long talk with Remilia about hat politics, and possibly my imminent departure from the realm of the living. Yea~h, no. Let's not.
Instead, I make my way for that outer cellar door. Finding it's a bit weird, because despite the mansion having burnt down and undergoing renovations, it's still in that spot where that one wall it was along used to be; so now it's just a door that's slanted against some foundation and metal-y bits, and no wall.
I open the battered-as-hell cellar door; it had better be battered after flooding, fire, and assorted elements kicking its ass in rapid succession. I proceed to step inside and quickly grow more cautious as it's dark on the inside.
How the hell did I navigate this place again?... Oh, whatever, I can just do the FPS gamer method of shooting a single bullet and using the flash from the muzzle to light my way. I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and proceed to test my theory.
Pew!...step step step…
Pew!...step step step…
This is a lot easier than walking around outside. For one thing, this hallway's freakin' totally linear so I probably didn't need to light the way at all. It's also neatly organized. Ironically, even though it seems like a furniture storage duct or something, it's mostly untouched despite the mansion being in dire need of crap to fill its ever expanding halls. Did they just forget all this stuff was down here? Damn.
...I find that door to Flandre's room after a few moments of walking straight forward, and I see light emanate from under the door. I walk up to it, and knock.
"Ah? Come on in, I think! I can't open that door from over here!" Flandre calls out to me from within.
I try to open the door, and it clicks open easily enough. Guess it was only locked from one side, that one time…
I walk inside, and see Sakuya has set a cake down on the table.
"Hey." she greets me, before her eyes lock on the mob cap. "...Any particular reason I shouldn't kill you for wearing one of those?"
I put my hands up. "Yo, I had reasons. Huge angry fairy horde feels like attacking Remilia is a good idea, and it's not entirely my fault!"
Sakuya blinks. "...I don't even know how you do it, sometimes."
I shake my head. "Me neither! I hardly even participate in it, it just kinda happens!"
"...So, is mistress…?" Sakuya looks confused.
"She's manning the front gate, as instructed by Patchouli. Her contribution to the incident, apparently!"
"...Ah. I see. So, those fairies…" Sakuya still had many questions!
"...So it all started when one of them touched me inappropriately!" I begin.
"I don't need to know about your inappropriate exploits." Sakuya deadpans.
"It's relevant, yo! Cut me some slack hea!" I extend my arms.
"...Fine. Make it quick." Sakuya was all pressy, again!
I nod. "Aight, yo, so after she touched me, I touched her back-"
"Are you sure you weren't just making out with a fairy in the hallway?" Sakuya folds her arms.
I just noticed it, but Flandre is now leaning on the table towards Sakuya, ceasing consuming her slice of the scarlet pastry. "...Uhm… what does 'making out' mean?"
Sakuya freezes, then glares at me.
I put my hands in front of me. "That was all you. I was actually vague about it!"
...She sighed. "...I'll… tell you some other time, little mistress."
Flandre pouted. "Wha~t? Why? Why can't I know now?"
Grimacing, Sakuya looked at her. "W-well, it's just-"
"Just what? I have a right to know these things!" Flandre put her hands on her hips. "I thought we agreed not to hide things from me any more!"
"I-I understand, but-"
"But nothing! Tell me, Sakuya!" Flandre stood up, glaring her down. "That's an order!"
…
"V-very well, little mistress…" Sakuya looked very conflicted.
…
"...Y-you see, when a boy and a girl, uhm…" Sakuya pressed her fingers together. "...really, really like each other…"
I folded my arms and had the biggest shit-eating grin.
Flandre's arms were also folded, but she had her head tilted.
"...they uh, show their affection… in a physical way?" I feel like I could explain this better in a non-awkward way. Okay, it'd be awkward, but I'd just ignore it or even freakin' let it fuel me like I usually do.
But I'm not. 'Cause I'm an asshole.
Flandre gave Sakuya a long stare.
…
Sakuya stretched her neck a bit, looking uncomfortable.
…
"...I don't get it!" Flandre declared.
Sakuya sighed, looking relieved. "...I-I didn't expect you to, little mistress."
"You! You're more clear with these kinds of things!" Flandre pointed at me. "You explain it!"
…
I grinned at Sakuya, whose eyes widened. I wish I had a whiteboard with me, but oh well!
"Alright, so 'making out'..." I rub my chin, thinking of what to say…
I look at Sakuya. "Say, Sakuya, care to demonstrate with me?"
She blinks a bit, and steps back. "...W-what? N-no! I mean..." She glares at me. "Don't say things like that. You'll be a bad influence."
I roll my eyes, smiling. "As if I was ever a good influence to begin with…"
I thought I detected the faintest of blushes from my comment, but I could just as easily be imagining shit as I usually do when it comes to these intricate social complexities!
"Alright, legit, so 'making out' is basically, uhhh…" I should have used that 'thinking time' to actually think of what to say! "...It's like when two lovers, typically boy and girl… or attack helicopter, long story, uh- go ahead and rub, kiss, and touch eachother in sexual manners as a result of their hormones."
Flandre nods. "...So, is it like sex?"
She apparently knew what sex was! Sakuya looks equally surprised "...Well, it's like pre-sex. It's not foreplay, but it's like… the casual bit before foreplay."
"What's foreplay?" Flandre asks.
"Ooo~h…" I trail off. Shieut. "...Basically, the pre-sex that come after the 'make out', and is pretty much like 'yeah we're gonna have sex now, but let's fool around and have fun with it'. You see, they might stop at the 'make out' if they don't want to go too far, but foreplay is usually like… it means it's gonna happen, basically." I explain.
Flandre furrowed her brows. "...Where do attack helicopters come in?"
Ah. "...That's a very, very big topic for another day. Mostly because it's a whole different issue entirely, and I think it'd be best to have Patchouli around for that one." For multiple reasons, but for now let's just drop it! Flandre does not need to know about gender fluidity bullshit!
"...Oh, okay." Flandre seems placated with the amount of knowledge she's gained, nodding in a satisfied manner.
"...I'd like to ask how you know what sex is." I inquire. I mean, knowing what sex is but not the other bits? Hmmhmm…
Flandre stared at me with a blank expression. "...I'm not stupid, you know. I've learned what I can. I just don't haven't had as many opportunities as other people."
...Dayum. Now that I think on that, I suppose I can relate; back in the good 'ol U.S. of A, if you didn't have cash, chances are you weren't going to a great college, and the best colleges and sources of education and opportunities typically came with the money. Sure, there was always the story of the rags to riches man, but can you tell me how often that even happens? There's a reason those stories are so amazing; and it's because they're super freakin' rare! I bet rags to riches wouldn't be a big thing if everyone was doing it!
Sakuya sighed, breaking the tension. "...So, those fairy maids…?"
Ri~ght… "So, after I got into that whole fiasco with that one, she screamed out that I was hurting her and then since the hallways were so full, everyone kinda just bandwagoned my ass all the way over to Remilia's room. I hoped she was there, but uh… yeah."
"...You're still here right now. It's not like you leaped out the window, right?" Sakuya asked, arms on her hips.
"Ahahah, right… funny story, actually… you see, I did indeed leap out the window!"
"Bullshit." Sakuya glared at me.
"Nope." I wave my finger. "I can double jump, y'know?"
"...Genuinely?" Sakuya looked unamused.
I demonstrated by jumping and jumping again, and I had to awkwardly bend myself so as to not hit the ceiling of the room. Speaking of, Flandre's room looked a lot nicer now, complete with a tiled floor that fit the whole scarlet aesthetic, with some black tiles to accent it, and the walls were all proper and had these fancy wood patterns on them versus the rather droll stone basement walls here prior.
"...Have I seen this before?" Sakuya placed her hands behind her head, trying to place if she saw me double jump before…
I nod. "Yeah. Pretty sure you have. I don't blame you for forgetting, though. I almost did, too."
Flandre looked amused. "You guys have bad memory!"
...Well, she's not wrong.
...That cake still has a l~ot of slices. "...Mind if I have a slice?" I inquire.
"Not at all!" Flandre smiles, letting me have a piece.
Sakuya looks mildly perturbed. "You… do know what is put into the mistress' cakes, right?"
I nod. "Blood, right? How much, anyway?"
Sakuya blinks. "...I...don't think… it's okay for me to disclose that…"
I turn to Flandre. "How much iron do you taste?"
She shrugs. "Eh? Well… a little. It's not bad, I guess."
Bottoms up! I cut a piece slowly, struggling with the knife as I usually do because I just naturally suck at cutting cakes, and I place it on a little fine porcelain plate.
I turn to Sakuya. "...Y'know, you'd save a lotta man power on dish washing if you invested in paper plates." Provided, you'd have tons of trash to clean up!
Sakuya was not receptive of the idea. "...I don't know how the outside operates, but I don't think plates made from paper would ever work."
I nod while using a fork to remove part of the cake; yet another task I always found difficulty in. Come to think of it, I never liked eating cakes! "Well… you're wrong."
Sakuya blinked, and I took my bite.
...Sweet, a hint of iron, and uh, wa~y too much chocolate for me. I hate chocolate cakes, despite my normal love for chocolate. Was this dark chocolate? 'Cause if it is, I'm gonna have the runs in like ten minutes from now!
"...Was that dark chocolate?" I ask.
"...We didn't have the resources, unfortunately. Old ingredients sort of went with the kitchen." Sakuya stares at me with vague curiosity.
Thank fuck. "Good. You've saved the lives of many upon this day."
Sakuya doesn't take her eyes from my plate. "...How can you do that so easily?"
Hmm? "Whaddaya mean?"
"...Eating blood, I mean."
Hm. I shrug. "...You only use the clean stuff, right?"
Sakuya nods. "...Chemically, yes. No diseases or pathogens, as that muddles the taste, so they say."
"Then I've got nothing to really fear." I say. "It'll just get digested, and it doesn't taste like fucktons of iron so you didn't just pour a bucket of blood into the batter, clearly, so I shouldn't have problems."
"...Don't you feel weird? It's the blood of another human being… one of which is probably not alive to this day." Sakuya seems to be trying her best to weird me out, but it's not working, yo.
"So? I mean, sucks for him, but what does it matter to me? I don't think Remilia sees me as food as much as she does an interesting hooligan at this point… that, and my blood tastes like shit, apparently. I'm pretty alright with that, actually." Now, whenever a youkai comes at me and is like 'I'm gonna eat you, rawr!' I can legit go 'yo I taste bad'!
Flandre's finished her slice. "...I think I'm done for now."
I only took that one bite earlier, and I don't feel up to it anymore, because screw the chocolate. "Too much chocolate for me, sorry yo. If it was a vanilla and blood cake, then we'd be talking. The iron's a little hard on the tastebuds sometimes, but it's unique and not entirely obstructive, so it's alright."
...To be honest with you, I'd also much prefer a strictly vanilla cake. Blood's not bad, but the iron tinge is more just kinda unique than helpful to the flavor. For me, anyway. I suspect for vampires it's a different story- for biological reasons.
Sakuya shakes her head. "You're a weirdo."
I nod, grinning. "Yeah, I get that a lot."
She begins walking out of the room, but stops and turns to me. "Did you ever think that it might be true?"
Pfft. "I know it's true. It's a way of life, yo."
She nods. "...A good answer as any, I guess."
...Oh, right. I stood up from my chair. "Yo, Sakuya, hold up."
She pauses. "Hmm?"
I walk with her as she leaves the room, and I find myself in that asshole maze hallway with her.
"The fairies are probably in a super rebellious state at the moment." Y'know, the whole 'fuck Remilia' movement they have going on…
"...Your point being?" Sakuya, baby, work with me!
I stretch a bit, preparing myself for violence. "...That means that if anything, the mansion's reconstruction is going backwards at the moment."
…
"...Right." Sakuya sighs. "...I suppose I should contact the mistress."
...Hmm…
"...O~r we could solve this before she even comes back from the gates!" That'd be sick! This would a story for glory, yo!
Sakuya furrows her brows. "...Really? Why shouldn't we just-"
"Hey, Flandre!" I call for her, looking at her door.
"Don't get the little mistress involved." Sakuya grabs me by the arm.
"Yeah?" Flandre calls from the room.
I turn my head to face Sakuya again. "Look, yo, how're we gonna get her to level up if we never grind out that fresh EXP? Look, the manor's fulla angry mooks at the moment, so why not let her go ahead and sort out this dilemma?"
She glares at me. "What the hell are you even talking about?"
Freakin'... "It builds character is what I'm trying to say, basically."
She bites her lip, looking unsure. "...You might be right, but still…"
I put a hand on her shoulder, and she brushes it off. "Don't do that."
Well, shit. Whatever. "Sorry. Well, look, what're fairies going to do to a super powerful, centuries old vampire?"
"..." Sakuya stopped protesting, seeming neutral on the idea. "...Fine. Do you want to make a deal, then?"
Oooh, stakes! Givin' our mission some purpose! "Sure, yo."
"If you make sure Remilia doesn't hear a peep of this…" Sakuya places a finger on my lips, interestingly.
She leans over to my ear all of a sudden. "...I might actually give you a few canisters of that Kool-Aid thing you keep talking about."
Woaahoohoaaah!
"You got yourself a deal!" I step back, grab her hand, and shake it.
"...I expected a more flustered reaction." Sakuya blinks as I assault her arm.
"Who do you think you're talkin' to, yo? I mean, I was about to be, but then you talked about Kool-Aid!" I grin.
…
Sakuya nods, knowing better than to argue with my inane brand of logic. "Alright… but only," She backs away from me, breaking the vigorous handshake. "if you actually keep this fiasco hidden from the mistress… which I'm pretty sure is impossible at the rate you described."
I walk back towards Flandre's room, and the door opens, Flandre in the doorway. "What did you call my name for?"
"Reasons. Tonight, we make a story… A story, for glory!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Flandre and I buckled down for a long night of fucking shit up!
I laid some blank pieces of paper down on the table, and took out some of Flandre's plans. "Okay, here's the plan…"
...I drew a blank.
"...Alright, screw the plan. We're just gonna go out there, bring some mops and shit, beat up assholes, and work really quickly!"
...Flandre blinked. "What are we even doing?"
Oh, that's kinda important. "So, the fairies of the manor rebelled, right?"
"They are…?" She looked slightly concerned.
"Yeah, they also wanna harm your sister!" Now, in hindsight, saying this was a good idea…
"What!?" Flandre roared, rising from her chair.
I extended my arms cautiously. "Yo, yo, yo! It's okay, it's okay, she's not even in the mansion right now!"
"...Okay." Flandre crossed her arms, looking cross as she did so.
"...So what we wanna do is fix things so when she gets back, the manor's all nice for her, right? We can do that, right, Flandre?" I smile.
"... I dunno. Only a few times have I seen how sister runs the mansion before…" Flandre tilts her head back and forth, unsure.
I shake my head. "Bah, well, just vaguely follow her example and we'll be cool." Probably.
"...Alright. I'll do it!" Flandre agrees. "I'll help onee-sama!" Thatta girl!
"Let's do it!" I give a battle cry, and we rush into the halls.
…
I pull up Escape Plan again, and we carefully stare at it as we traverse this douchebag design of a hallway.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Emerging from our humble hole in the Earth, we find Sakuya relaxing on one of those long chairs outside!
"...I'm sure Remilia'd be happy you're doing your job. Carry on." I deadpan, moving towards the manor.
Sakuya just chuckles, and Flandre gives her a curious look that I don't think she noticed. Regardless…!
We spot some fairy maids scribbling on the walls!
"You there!" I point at them.
They don't seem to acknowledge me. The heat's taken off me, at least, but uh…
Flandre stands next to me. "Um… you two! Please stop?"
The fairies pause for a moment and look at her, gazing… up… from the wall? They were like, walking on the walls in a way, so when they scribbled they kinda kneeled down on the wall and crawled on it. It's hard to describe!
"...Please?" Flandre folded her hands together and tried the 'ol puppy dog eyes trick.
...The fairy maids promptly resumed their scribbling.
"..." Flandre's expression suddenly dropped, and slowly it shifted to one of either disgust or rage. "...You! You two!"
Flandre's bellowing voice reminded me of her sisters!
"Stop that! Now!"
One of the mint-haired maids dared to speak up! "...O-or...what?"
In the blink of an eye, Flandre was next to her. Flandre took the crayon she had by ripping it from her grasp, and like that she crushed it. When she opened her hand, the crayon was nothing but a fine mist.
"...Or we'll play a game." I think Flandre knew full and well how to be adequately creepy to get exactly what she wanted, now. I'm still curious as to why exactly she was locked up, though.
Another yellow-haired maid bugger, the one that was with the minty-haired one, floats up to Flandre. "You can't do that! Your sister and you mean nothing to us now! This is a fairy sanctuary!"
She tries to push Flandre, and but no matter how much force she exerts, Flandre doesn't even move. In one fluid motion, Flandre grabs her wrist.
"H-hey, let go! Stupid vampire! Let go!... Oww! L-let go! A-aahh! Let go!"
Slowly, the maid's cries began to shift to ones of agony as Flandre slowly ripped her arm from its socket, using her other arm to hold the torso still. A sickening rip accented the deed, but blood did not drip from the fairy- they didn't bleed, as always; instead, magic simply trickled out. Or, well, flowed out openly in this case.
The maid's screams ceased, and she stared into space with an expression that could only be described as blissfully painful. I say this because if I didn't hear the wails prior, I'd have thought she orgasmed from that expression on her face. Damn, man.
Pi~chun!
She was dead.
"...A-a...oh...okay…" The minty-haired maid started trembling. "I-I…"
Flandre turned to her, and latched her hands on the maid's shoulders. "W-what!? Stop!"
Flandre lunged for her neck, sinking her fangs into the flesh of the maid.
"A-aaaaa~hh!"
Sakuya was up by my side, cautiously observing the spectacle. She seemed to have her knives ready, but she wasn't doing anything, which was probably a smart move.
…
Flandre ripped her fangs from the maid's flesh. "...Empty. In my way."
She ripped her arms across the fairy's body, tearing it asunder and blowing the limbs away in one fell swoop. The limbs faded into magic cleanly.
Flandre slowly walked around the walling.
...I really don't want to say anything right now. We're supposed to be teamed up, so uh… "Hey, uh, Flan-"
She turns to me, and I see her eyes flash in the darkness. She stays completely still as she observes me, and I freeze in return.
…
After a ginger moment, she continues. Up ahead, when she rounds the doorway, she punches it open, sending the door flying.
...I nod. "So that's why she was locked up. I don't think I ever would have normally seen that side of her, were it not for these shenanigans."
Sakuya walked up alongside me, before sighing deeply. "...We'll be lucky if this mansion sees the next sunrise, now."
...The first thing that comes to my mind is how to tame the primal beast! "Would throwing water on her help matters?"
"...Yeah." Sakuya nodded. "We'd need a bucket or two… or ten. I think she'd catch on quite quickly."
I shrug. "You can stop time."
She stops facing the door to turn to me. "She can stop life."
Well… technically, yes. "...She didn't use it on-"
"Fairies have always been a strange exception. We sent some to care for her, for a time. We stopped after awhile, though, for various reasons." Sakuya reminds me.
...Oh, shit. Fairies are instant death resistant, aren't they?
Looking around the mansion side, Sakuya seems to not want to move at the moment. I take in the brisk night air, and gaze that the stars above.
I raise my fist at the moon. "It's close to midnight, and I'm barking at the moon! Raaaah!"
"...Why is it that in situations like this you choose to not be serious?"
I grin. "I'm a metal machine~!"
"Sure you are."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
We step in the smashed door, and immediately I see the remnants of Flandre's enraged slaughter.
...Mostly smashed walls, and some ripped maid outfits. Some traumatized maids remained, motionless on the floors here or there. Lots of stuff was smashed, but since there wasn't much furniture yet, I suppose it wasn't that big of a loss.
"...Why exactly was Flandre locked up in the first place?" I think this needs to be said.
Sakuya walked forward, eyeing the maids carefully. "...At the time, she was very, very unstable, so the sayings go. I wasn't around the entire length of her captivity, obviously. My interactions with her were quite… minimal. When I saw how she acted recently, I was just as perplexed as you were when she got… violent."
One of the maids got up. "...H-h…"
Sakuya flinched, whirled around, and sent a barrage of knives at her, pinning her against the wall.
Pi~chun!
She was slain.
"...That was completely necessary!" I comment. "I bet she would have crushed our skulls if we didn't brutally murder her!"
Sakuya gets the message. "...I'm a little on edge. Can I be blamed?"
I shrug. "Not really, no. Speaking of…" I whip out Swift Brand. "...I suppose I should get more edgy, too, yo."
"...I said on edge, not angsty." she smugly replied
"Same thing in the end, really." Was it really?...Nah, I was kinda talking out of my ass here. But it could be!
"Sure." I think Sakuya had enough of my witless banter for one evening.
...Well, I think the fairy rebellion's kinda up and died. Like, 'dragged into the streets and shot by the ones that it held dear' kind of dead. Flandre made sure of that, I'm sure. Here I was thinkin' I could crack some fairy skulls with her, and then she goes and does it all herself…
...and even worse, she accidently'd most of the walls! Hnnngh!
"...I don't think uh… this will be easy to keep under the wraps." I awkwardly state, eying the property damage.
Sakuya nods. "We should do something. Fast."
I raise my hands. "Dump water on her!" I suggested that earlier, but was somewhat shot down!
"...I'm not sure how well that would work." Sakuya adds. "I know a few bucket's worth could do something, but I don't know how resistant Flandre is."
Well… "We could always get Patchy to flush her out. Like, literally."
"...We want to pacify her, not drown her." Sakuya stared at me disapprovingly.
I throw my hands into the air. "I don't know the H2O tolerance of pissed off vampire people! I'm not Simon Belmont!"
Sakuya gives me a funny look for a moment, before carrying on. "...Hmph." ...She didn't exactly have much to carry on, apparently.
…
Well, no use standing around and gauging the impending doom! "Let's go find those buckets!"
"...Are we really?"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Sakuya and I stood at the corner around a doorway, the door open a crack and a bucket of water hung on top of it.
"Are you sure this… will work?" Sakuya stared at the bucket very apprehensively.
I nod. "Positive!"
... Before we even know it, the entire door is punched through, the door itself sent flying. The bucket does indeed spill, but the water ends up pretty far from anything at all of relevance.
"...Negative." I correct myself.
I see Flandre walking through the door- no, floating. Probably in case water was all over the floor now; she seems to have recognized the whole 'water' thing within the first five seconds of water existing near her. Dayum.
"...Die." Flandre stoically stares down at the bucket
She holds out her hand, fits the bucket into her vision, and squeezes her it into a ball.
BLAM
The bucket was no more. Rest in pieces, little dude…!
Sakuya pulls me away, and I eventually catch the memo and begin running with her.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Flandre was down the hall, standing still. She had been like that for a few moments after she tore up some heroic fairies clad in pots and pans from the renovated kitchen.
I was at the other end of the hall, a big ass slingshot built into the carpet.
"...When you told me you needed wood, and a giant rubber band, this was not what I had in mind." Sakuya's eyes ran over the device, her expression one of befuddlement.
"I gotta have a good meal." I smugly smiled.
"...Wh-what does that even have to do… with anything?" I don't think Sakuya knows what to think anymore!
"I eat John. It's what I do." I was quoting that one "Garflief" youtube video, for those who don't get my reference!
She blinked. "...I give up. This plan's not going to work." Sakuya sits down on the floor, crosses her legs, and rests her head in her right hand, fingernails tapping the floor with her other hand.
I was finishing up the band, hoping to high heaven above that the thing'd actually serve its purpose, and I pulled back the bucket, fighting the band as I did so. I couldn't tilt the bucket, obviously, because the water would spill everywhere and I'd be fookin' stoopid.
After a good moment of fighting the band, I accidentally let go.
"Oh, shit!" I yell.
Sakuya's eyes dart up from the floor to the slingshot, then to the bucket as it flies.
…
Clang! The bucket… did infact miss Flandre. The metal bucket struck the wall, embedding itself in it, and the water splashed everywhere.
Flandre jumped back reflexively as a bit of it seems to have splashed out, and all it served was to piss her off it seems, because now she was yelling.
"Hrraaa~gh!" She threw her arms back, nails extending as the essence of violence seemed to fill the air. She dashed off to the left- from our perspective, thus obscuring her down the hallway.
I glared at the bucket. "Garfield, you lazy cat!"
"...I think we need Patchouli's help." Sakuya decides.
I turn to her. "...Naa~h, this is clearly under control."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
"Let's see her fucking dodge this!"
I sat on a tall tower of scrunched cardboard boxes. We were outside the back door, and with Sakuya's help, we constructed a rafter covered in nothing but buckets full of water.
"...The scary part is that I'm half expecting some of these ideas to work." Sakuya admits.
I shrug. "This is how it typically goes." ...my life, I mean!
The door opens, and Flandre walks out.
"Come out, come out~!" ...Did she calm d-
"Wherever you are!" Flandre shot a barrage of exploding bullets to the right, a fixture of plywood getting sent ablaze.
...Nah, she seems a little tense. I have just the solution!
I kick the plywood, and nearly fall off the crumpled box tower, but Sakuya grabs my arms, stopping a one story fall that'd probably break my back.
I grin sheepishly. "Eheh…"
The plywood rafter board folds downward, and the buckets all drop.
Splaaa~sh!
Flandre ends up with a bucket on her head and covered in water.
I had to cover my ears for the following scream.
"Aaaa~aah!"
Well, if Remilia didn't hear that, then fuck me!
The bucket that was on her head soared into the night sky, and I suspect it probably went supernova once it left the atmosphere or something.
She stumbled around a bit, apparently disoriented by what little water actually hit her, before running back inside.
"...Well, if that didn't do anything, we definitely need Patchouli." Sakuya decided.
I nod. "I guess so…"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
"...You're the opposite of a miracle worker." Patchouli claims.
I fold my arms. "It's a work to be employed, yo."
"I'm pretty sure I'd fire you instantly." Sakuya deadpans.
I grin and furrow my brows. "...Aren't we here to stop Flandre, not riff on me!?"
"...Fine, fine…" Patchouli pauses to collect herself. "...I suppose water and holy magic are our top choices, but we don't have anything remotely holy here. If only that miko were around…"
I pull out that holy hanger. "It's holy." I provide.
"It's also a plant hanger." Patchouli declines the idea.
"...It's holy." I insist.
"No."
"...But it's holy!" I thoroughly insist!
"No!"
...Fine. "Yeah, whatever…" I fold my arms. In retrospect, while it was a holy hanger, I don't think it'd be holy enough to make a difference. What even quantifies holiness…? I might ask Reimu later. Holy magic is weird.
"...In any case, what we need is to get Flandre into a room." Patchouli begun.
"And demolish her with a shoehorn!?" I excitedly proposed, tearing off my worn-out grey sneaker.
"...Look me in the eyes, and tell me the probability of that working." Patchouli glared at me.
"...One hundred… percent… negative?" I guess.
Patchouli turns away. "Now, we also need an easy way to flood the room, too. If we do it from one angle, she might simply blow open the wall."
My hand shoots up, and Patchouli facepalms.
"...Yes, Brad…?"
"I suggest we give me a shockwave cannon, like the one from Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter!" I clap my hands together giddily.
"...No." Patchouli decides.
"Be quiet and let her finish." Sakuya has had enough of my shit.
"Fi~ne…" I fold my arms.
"...I suggest we carve out the crevices and edges between the walls and ceiling, and from there we can flood in the room like that, and the rushing water will give Flandre nowhere to run. Brad will then run in and grab Flandre once she's sufficiently waterlogged to prevent her from drowning."
It would be me, but that's fine! That means I can hog some of the glory!
"...What room should we use?" Sakuya questions.
"Some generic fairy maid's room. She won't mind, I'm sure." Patchouli, that's something I'd say. Stop saying things I'd say.
Sakuya looks a little uneasy, actually. "...Should I relocate the furniture, or-"
"No, it needs to be realistic. We also need a distraction to get her in there; I'm thinking, again, a fairy maid." Patchouli nods.
"...I'm not necessarily sure if they deserve-"
"Hold on, hold on! You were just railing on them for being chucklefucks for like the last uhmpteen chapters- of your life, I mean!" I quickly bullshit the end of my sentence because goddammit Yukari. Also, they were kinda rebelling right now. If there was any time to disrespect them, it'd be now!
"Hmph…" Sakuya folds her arms, looking impatient.
Patchouli looks back and forth between us. "...I suppose things are settled, then."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Wow, Sakuya really did a number on the drywall. I stood in the room we were going to use, and on the bed was a sleeping fairy maid.
The reason why that's strange is because Sakuya's been drilling away at the edges of the room; the ones between the ceiling and the walls, for like, an hour now. I've been playing my 3DS in all this racket- and let me tell you, focusing is ironically difficult.
VRRRRRrrrrr… the noisy-ass saw finally stopped. Moments later, Sakuya time-skipped into the room, attire completely unchanged except for a pair of safety goggles she used as she worked.
I blink a bit and furrow my brows at her. "...Ya done waking up the dead? I'm pretty sure you revived all the fallen fairies with that racket."
How the hell did they even power the power tools?... Magic, I suppose. Stupid question.
...Would they be considered magic tools, then?
Sakuya's eyes shift towards the sleeping maid. "...Not that loud, apparently."
Yeah, I noticed her too. "For all we know, Flandre kyuu'd her freakin' consciousness, and now she's just like, blown away." Stay strong, vegetable fairy…!
"Or, she's just a heavy sleeper, as numerous fairies can be." she reasoned.
...Or that. "...In any case, do we know where Flandre even is?"
Patchouli chooses this moment to float in. "Yes; she'll be here in about two hours, if my path predictions are correct."
My jaw drops. "Two hours!?"
"...Yes." Patchouli sits down on the bed in the room, next to the freakin' comatose fairy. "It doesn't mean much to me. I've got things to read."
...I suppose I could play Smash for a few hours, but it seems fookin' stoopid to come to Gensokyo, the mystical land that I've strived to visit, only to play freakin' Smash Brothers. Alone, I mean. Playing it with Gensokyians is an experience in and of itself!
"...Are there any other problems going on in the mansion? Other than Colonel Flander's wild ride?" I really wanted something to do!
Patchouli looked up at me for a moment, pausing in thought. "...The fairies are still rebellious for the most part, for one thing. You probably haven't seen much of it, but the fairies who weren't immediately mauled by the little mistress, or those who were spared, are probably the most anti-establishment now than they have ever been in recent decades."
Hmm. "...So, beating the shit out of fairies?" I asked.
Patchouli nodded. "...You could do that, but I don't think you could handle such livid numbers for long."
I probably couldn't! "...I've got ideas, though…"
Patchouli opens a book, and looks in it. "...You do that."
"...I'll be doing restoration procedures." Sakuya states before teleporting away.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
I sit around a corner, a box with a stick holding it up on the other edge of the corner. I had a string on the stick, of course.
"...Yellow-chan, look!" came the excited voice of a fairy maid.
"Hold it, commander Seven-chan! That… that seems too convenient! It might be a trap!" God-fucking… Screw off, Yellow-chan! You suck! Graaah!
Seven-chan turned to her friend. "How do we know… it might not be a trap! You just don't want me to have fun, Yellow-chan! Besides, that dumb stupid vampire lady would never make something this mean!"
Yes...Ye~s!
"...I guess you're right, Seven-chan." Yellow-chan relented.
Seven-chan crawled under the box, and once inside, she examined the piece of cardboard I had laid in it that said "CANDY".
I pulled the stick. Thunk!
"...W-what… No~!" Seven-chan wailed, realizing she got captured.
"Commander!" Yellow-chan put her hands on the box. "No~! They got you! No, no no!"
Yellow-chan frantically thrashed her hands against the box, while Seven-chan started screaming. Other fairy maids then ran up to the box, and began striking it with sticks and brooms and buckets.
"Help-stop-ouch! No~!"
...I looked around the corner.
...Holy shit. There was like, a fairy battalion around that corner!
...and I held them up with a cardboard box. Hmm.
"I got the new, fun weapon!" wailed a fairy maid who was charging through the ranks.
"Watch where you're going, you big palooka!"
"Ganpeki-chan, you fucking brute!"
"Kyaaah!"
Fairies cried out in protest as a tall, earth-green-haired fairy maid barreled through them. She held a large, red, mechanical weapon, completely unfitting in comparison to the brooms and mops her companions were armed with.
"It's my way or… hell, it's my way!"
Ganpeki aimed her… giant screaming metal deathtrap at the cardboard box.
"Multiple fire rocket launcher! Eat shit, and die!"
Fwoosh! Four glowing rockets flew from the four open holes on the top of the device.
Holy shit, it was a quadruple rocket launcher.
KABOOM!
The box was no more.
"...That damn box ate Seven-chan…" Yellow-chan solemnly kneeled. "...Damn it…"
Yeah, uh, 'bout that… I think she woulda been fine if she wasn't freakin' blown to smithereens. The rockets seem to have been danmaku, but it was strong enough to vaporize people, so uhhh…
In any case, the resulting bullet barrages from the blasts were non-lethal danmaku, so there's that!
"That vampire's going to pay for messing up my vacation." Ganpeki scornfully glared at the charred mark where the box used to be.
The fact she sounds so much like Duke Nukem scares me. In any case, I began running down the hall, away from the maids. No need to stick around in that mess! I coulda taken a small fleet of fairies with pots and pans, sure, but there's no way you're gonna get me to fight Fairy Nukem without some serious support. I mean, quad rockets! Quad rockets…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
I slammed open the door to that one generic room, and Patchouli jumped.
"M-mukyuu~!" she yelped.
I put a finger up as I marched in. "Alright, two things."
Patchouli blinked, and began glaring at me… "What?"
"First: that was adorable."
She blinked again, not expecting that. "...Impulsive child."
"Second: the fairies have some scary new shit."
...Patchouli tilted her head. "Did you just describe the fairies as scary?"
I nod. "Well, most of them just had pots and pans and stuff. Nothing to write home about, but this one- this one-"
"Let me guess, she had a spatula, or something? Was she really good with it?" Patchouli, please…!
I roll my eyes. "No, she had a quadruple firing lethal danmaku rocket launcher, complete with magic rockets and spread capabilities."
…
"...What."
I throw my arms up. "That's what I was like!"
"...How?"
I shrug. "That's what I wanna know too!"
"...Why?"
I just fold my arms and stare at her.
...Patchouli sighed. "In any case, that's going to be a problem you can take care of. We still only have an hour and thirty before we pacify Flandre. Did you figure anything else out?"
I nod. "They wanna fuck Flandre's shit up, and apparently miss rockets-up-the-ass is one of their key players."
Patchouli winces a little. "...That might end destructively."
Sakuya appears, too! "Hour and thirty remaining. Just stopping by."
I turn to her. "Sakuya, did you ever arm your maids with quadruple firing lethal danmaku rocket launchers?"
"...Quadruple whats, now?" Sakuya looks confused.
"Giant cannons of mass destruction." Patchouli summarized.
"...No?" Sakuya was still confused.
I shake my head. "Look, yo, I need backup here, I can't take rockets to the face on my own, I'm not Duke Nukem, nor do I have the right body armor for that kind of thing." Give me 100 armor points though, and I could probably step on a few rockets and still have everything above my pelvis!
"...This all probably could have been prevented had you not gotten the little mistress involved." Sakuya sighed, teleporting off to find reinforcements.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
We have our heroes…!
Sakuya went out and spent literally like one minute time-skipping some fairy friends to our position.
"Why am I here?" Komi's arms were folded. "I quit!"
"Maybe we're the guests of honor!" Koi guessed.
"...M-maybe we're being enslaved…!" Namori slowly terrified herself. Good job.
And finally…
"...I found her passed out in the Hakurei Shrine." Sakuya elaborated.
Ha-chan was lying passed out on the floor, drunk off her ass. Her breath was like, alcohol incarnate.
"...Hwaa~h…" she moaned from the floor, a happy, dazed expression locked on her face.
"...Well, we found our cannon fodder." I grinned.
"I tried to find the special forces, but they seem absent for whatever reason. They weren't in any of the agreed revival meeting places, so things are problematic… In any case, I have to work more on the restoration before Remilia returns." With that, Sakuya was off.
"...What are we even doing here!?" Komi snapped.
I walked across them in a line, and gave each one of them frying pans, and pots to wear as head gear. "Alright… Attention!" I shot my hand to my head.
Namori saluted, Koi blinked at me, and Komi's arms were still folded. Ha-chan was too drunk to register that reality existed.
"...Tough crowd." My grin became a bit sheepish.
"...So, friends!" I began. "We gotta fuck the shit up of some enemies! Flandre recently went beserk and is roaming the halls as we speak- but!" I put a finger up as protest almost happened. "...We will not be dealing with Flandre, we have a different team to do that."
"...Good. I'm not doing any stupid suicide missions." Komi nodded.
"...Instead, we will be fighting an army of the mansion's surviving fairies who are staging a rebellion. Including an elite army of badass cyborgs. Also, probably gonna have to smack Flandre if she does come at us."
Instant horror on everyone's faces. Except for Ha-chan. She was hammered.
"...What if we feel like joining the rebellion?" Komi smirked.
"Then you'll probably be the first four I kill before the rest mow me down." I bluntly state. "Or~, we could just team up and all live."
"...He-he has a point." Namori was on my side.
"...I dunno, what really is in it for us?" Koi questions.
"...Friends. Food. Glory… Fortune and glory!" I pull out Swift Brand and aim it at the ceiling. "We'll be living legends! The mythic army who descended upon our foes!"
...That, or we'll be fucking dead!
"... So we're just facing the dumbbells, then? This shouldn't be too hard." Komi began doing some stretches.
Koi yawned. "Well, it's better than fighting to keep our tents safe from the wild youkai. They like to chew the fabric, thinking we're human campers. It's stupid."
Namori looked apprehensive. "I-it's scary~! What if they decide to eat us one of these nights…?"
Komi rolled her eyes and turned to Namori. "...We respawn you stupid-!"
I hold out my arms. "Fellas! Ladies! Gentleman! Gentle… fae?" I got their attention.
I turned to Patchouli. "Got a whit- I mean, chalkboard, yo?" No whiteboards in ye olden times, yo.
"...I know what a whiteboard is. Do I look like I have one on me?" Patchouli was still on the bed calmly reading a book.
I nod. "You keep it under those robes, obviously."
"...I won't even dignify that with a response."
Damn. And here I was hoping she'd take off her robes… not that it'd be possible to stash a huge chalkboard in them. Or maybe it could be, with magic. Freakin'...
"Alright, I'll just demonstrate with my hands!" I extend my two arms, clamping my two hands closed.
"This is the A team, us, yo." I opened and closed my right hand rapidly. "This is the huge ass army of mean people." I forcefully rip the hand open and slam it shut repeatedly. "And this, is our game plan!" I then crash the two hands together and flail wildly.
"...Please, don't. Your death would make this harder to explain." Patchouli added from the bed.
"That wasn't even a plan." Komi added. "That was flailing wildly. It really was."
"Hic!" Ha-chan hiccupped from the floor.
"...Alright, new plan." As tempting as it was to propose a dinosaur laser party, I think I'd be dismissed as commander if I did that. "We're gonna…"
Hmm. Tactics are crucial, yo…
I turn to Patchouli. "Yo, you ever listen to Sabaton? The metal band?"
She shakes her head. "No. I don't often find time for music."
...Shit. I was kinda counting on that coincidence to be a thing. My luck rolls have to work some day…! Also, no time for music? I suppose I didn't have time for it these days, either, but yo ho ho…!
"Alright guys…" Time to introduce to them the art of war! "We will win but… fight very lazily!" Kinda late for 'no fighting', but y'know.
"That sounds right up my alley!" Koi agrees, nodding happily.
"We'll make them pursue us! We'll feign retreat! Coup de gras, and all that shit!" Or something! That was the idea, anyway!
Koi tilts her head. "...You lost me."
Freakin'... "You're lost, yo." I shake my head disapprovingly.
"I know." She nods, solemnly staring into the distance.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
We stand in the front lobby to the manor, satisfied. Well, I was satisfied.
"This is gonna be great!" Koi was satisfied.
"You guys are fucking retarded." Komi wasn't satisfied.
Namori had tears in the corners of her eyes. "...I-I'm going to die…" Namori, you respawn, shut up… I mean, Namori also wasn't satisfied.
The hallway that I'm pretty sure was where the enemy was gonna come from had one of those big logs on ropes aimed for the door. Hyonk!
Near our designated doorway, we had pillboxes and some magical turret things Patchouli set up for us. They fired like, one magical bolt every five seconds, and she obviously made them on the spot. They were stationed on the pillboxes, so the fairies would have to give them hell to actually get anywhere.
...We thought about magical landmines, but um…
I glanced at Namori's legs- which we had replaced with broomsticks. We had to tie them to the stumps where her legs were; and let me tell you, completely bloodless open wounds are surprisingly creepy! That's probably a good part of why she was so terrified.
Anyway, yeah! This battlefield was chosen tactically in advance!
I stood with my arms on my hips. "It's a bomb run kinda day, friends. We're gonna blow 'em the fuck up!"
Koi rose her arm. "Woo~...!"
Komi made for one of the pillboxes. "I'll just be somewhere where I won't be in immediate danger."
Namori slowly lugged her new prosthetic legs towards one of the pillboxes. "O-ouuch…"
Koi stood in front. "I'll face them head-on!... until there's a lot of them! Then I won't face them head-on!"
I pull out Quake Bloomer. "I am Turok, son of stone."
"At least act like a commander." Komi jabs from inside the little pillbox thing.
...Speaking of, why're they called pillboxes? They're more like mini stone fort things. Hmm. Words are weird.
Now… those bastards had to arrive at some point…
Snap! A trigger for the log trap went off, and it went off automatically; the fairies had stomped on the rope we laid out!
The log swung down, and barreled straight through a doorway separating the lobby and the hallway they'd be approaching from.
Bam!
"Kyaaa~h!" A murmur of squeals came from the hallway. When the log came back, some dazed and battered maids were hugging it, various armor bits smashed. They seemed generally better armored now; their weapons were still pots brooms, but they had cookie sheets and things for armor now. Hnnngh.
"Deploy the decoys!" I ordered.
Some scarecrows with crowbars wedged in their backs stood up, each one labeled with signs in crudely drawn crayon reading "FLANDR SCARELATE", among other variants.
The opposition poured into the room, and some generic danmaku flew. It was kinda a mess of colors in places, but a lot of them seemed surprisingly comfortable with just going melee-only for whatever reason. Probably to cut down on friendly fire induced casualties.
"London!" I can't remember if London was even revived or not, but seeing this angry mass of fairies reminds me it exists.
The battle-ready doll whirls in from parts unknown, as usual, its lance at the ready.
I eye the crowd, and see no fairies of particular importance, just lots of mooks. A few charged the decoys, and others charged the pillboxes, the magic turrets doing jackshit to dissuade them.
I put away Quake Bloomer because that was not infact the adequate option to use to deal with crowds. I pulled out Flame Dispenser, and took aim.
Fwoom…
A flow of waves washed into the crowd, their cookie sheets doing nothing to save their frilly maid dresses from the licks of flames, and soon some remote fires start in their crowds. They're somehow smart enough to avoid their flaming comrades in certain places, though in others they're trying to comfort their burning comrades, ignoring the fact fire spreads until it's too late.
I'm forced to fall back because fire, and I switch Flame Dispenser out for Swift Brand as I fall back behind our defense line.
Fwi-Choom! Namori's pale blue laser cut into the immediate crowd and nothing more, but it was doing some good work.
Fwew, fwew, fwew…
Komi's orbiting orbs kinda just ended up getting consumed by the crowd.
"Holy shit, there's a fire starting! Fire, fire!" Koi yelled, backing away a bit. Her bullets were probably the most handy crowd control, their area affecting blasts discouraging fairy approach.
Fwooosh! Fwooosh! Fwooosh!
Only a few moments in, and I'm already casting wind blasts to push back hordes of angry, somewhat charred maids! The fires still raged in various portions of the crowd, and the maids began flying, bombarding the magic turrets above.
sshhhhiiiIII-Boom!
One of the magical turrets exploded into danmaku, nailing a couple fairies, but not really making a difference. Dammit, Patchouli! You and your cheap discount spells…!
The pillboxes were getting smacked by a variety of pots and pans and other assorted housekeeping instruments. It's a good thing we actually made them out of rocks and concrete… well, I say 'made', but it's more like we found them… They were supposed to be garden antiques of some sort, but y'know… I don't think anyone'd miss some fancy stone house things, anyway.
"Holy shit!" Komi yelled, her pillbox entirely covered in foes, with enemies entering through the backdoor and through the little window things.
I pull out Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, with my off hand. "Grenade!"
I lob it into the crowd!
…
Boom!
A variety of armor and tools flew from the blast, the fairies caught in it destroyed. The blast was of minimal effect, but the fairies decided attacking the hanger was a good idea.
Boom!
Boom!
I aim at the incoming fairies again. Fwooosh!
Komi's pillbox is actually falling apart. "Holy fucking shit! Get me out of here!" She was banging away a few maids with her frying pan, but numerous ones clung to her legs, forcing her to fall over. "I need some help here!"
I run up and clock one maid in the head, freakin' knocking her out, just because I can.
...only to find out I couldn't keep doing that, because now they were all focused on me!
Boom!
Oh, shit! I flailed wildly with Swift Brand, the wind disorienting the charging fairies as I fall back and Koi takes my place, sending in some exploding bullets.
Choom! Choom!
Komi ran through the remnants of the blasts, her captors faltering in the light of the explosions.
Boom! Does nobody learn!?
Namori's pillbox doesn't look that much better, but she's not really calling out for help, leading me to wonder if they killed her already.
I take a moment to wonder what the hell happened to the decoys, and I figure by now they all lit up ablaze due to my fire idea. Whoops.
Speaking of, the fires were kinda dying down, which was bad, because the fairies were starting to really get brave now.
I pull out Deep Blue, "Prepare for a naval war!" and slam it against the floor.
Fwuuush! A small geyser displaced the fairies around Namori's pillbox, and I charge inside.
Fwi-Choom!
I dodged a pale blue laser, as a rather stoic Namori stared past me.
"G-gck-g-haahh…" I heard the throaty gasps of a fairy maid behind me, whose neck was clipped by the laser.
Pi~chun!
I ducked as Namori dispensed accurate laser shots left and right, although even those seemed to not be enough.
Boom! A portion of the pillbox was blown in!
"What the fuck!?" I shout, backing against the opposite wall.
None other than motherfucking Yellow-chan leaped through the wall, Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber in one hand, her fierce eyes tearing. "T-this is for Seven-cha~n!"
I hold up Deep Blue, and Yellow-chan charges me with the exploding hanger.
Boom!
I wince as the blast blows me back against the wall… which wasn't a far distance to begin with.
Yellow-chan staggers back into a standing position from the floor, now openly crying.
Fwi-choom-
Boom!
The pale blue laser was… blocked, I suppose- by the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. Lethargically, Yellow-chan rose up again.
"I-I… can't die…"
I aim Deep Blue at her. "...We'll meet at Midway, fairy girl."
She glares at me.
"...Fai~ry wa~r!" I wail, as I purposefully clash Deep Blue against the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.
Boom!
Pi~chun!
Yellow-chan was no more, the hanger-
Boom!
...falling to the floor. A few other maids died trying to edge in past her for awhile there, but now there wasn't much stopping them-
Fwi-choom!
-except for Namori!
Choom! Choom!
A few exploding bullets opened the way for Namori and me, and I took the chance, dashing out… which was kinda a mistake, because they all filed in around me.
Namori stayed inside the slowly crumbling pillbox, as fairies slowly whacked it apart with their assorted kitchen utensils.
"They call this one the freakin' gushing gazerker, yo." I announce, hitting the floor with Deep Blue again.
Fwuuush!
I sent myself flying with one of my own geysers.
...I say flying, but I kinda just flung myself into more fairies.
"Kyaa~h!" wailed the nearby fairies. I landed on some random freakin' noob!
"G-get off me…!" the brown-haired fairy whacked my thigh with a ladle.
I lift her up, and latch a hand firmly on her breast. "Look at this, everyone! I am a fairy molester! Predator to fairies everywhere, and undefeatable by any number!"
...They weren't as stupid as I expected, and began rushing me.
"Oh, shit!" I use the generic brown-haired mook as a meatshield for one side, and undo the valve on Deep Blue, letting it gush everywhere as a messy deterrent.
Boom! That fucking bomb hanger was at it again…
I felt some pans and things clash against my limbs, which freakin' hurt! "Oof- ugh, aagh! Stop that, you shitty- ouch!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Meiling ran back towards the mansion, this alarming new development prompting her to seek reinforcements from inside.
She slammed open the doors, ready to call out for immediate fairy assistance, but-
Boom!
Pi~chun-Pi~chun-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!
Choom! Choom!
Boom!
Fwi-choom!
B-Boom!
"...What the hell's going on!?" Meiling roared, and immediately all went calm.
I stared at Meiling, grateful for the respite. And then the pans started again, and some maids rushed Meiling!
Meiling let some pans hit her, unflinching the entire time. Then she acted, punching forward, easily knocking a single fairy back into her friends, killing at least five in the process. Despite this display of power, the fairies continued their assault, so she punched a bit more until all the fairies immediately in front of her were dead.
The action slowed to a halt again, the fairies now aware that Meiling's not to be trifled with- even if they have combined fighting spirit, they do not have the proper college degree in fighting to consider this life goal.
"...You done yet?" Meiling held out her arms in a 'you're fucking dead, kiddo' stance.
The fairies seemed mixed about that thought- at least, until…
"Who the hell told you to stop, assholes!?"
Ganpeki flew above the stagnant fairy maid horde, both her arms on the quadruple firing rocket launcher. "We've got to keep this world of hurt moving!"
Meiling started walking towards her slowly. "Not on my watch, you're not."
Fairies moved to intervene, only to get swatted aside absentmindedly by Meiling.
Ganpeki gave a slasher smile. "Oh, yeah? You're about to bite off more than you can chew, you narcoleptic douchebag!"
The fairies who weren't immediately near Meiling gave somewhat half-hearted cheers. C'mon, put some effort into it…!
"...C'mon, that was a good one! You're all a bunch of pussies!" Ganpeki sneered at the crowd.
Meiling's arms did some kinda martial-arts flowy motion, and she calmly stared at Ganpeki. I don't freakin' know martial arts!
"Fight me."
Ganpeki's pupils contracted. "Gladly…!"
She aimed her huge quadruple firing rocket launcher at Meiling.
Fwoosh!
Meiling began by running towards the rockets, leaping and running atop the heads of unsuspecting fairies who had just been in the way. She did a forward somersault over one of the rockets, and the other four weren't immediately in a collision course with her, so she didn't really need to worry about them.
KABOOM
The door and a bit of the wall to the right of it were heavily scorched and battered by the blasts.
Fwoosh!
Meiling proceeded to do another somersault, grabbing the scalps of two fairy maids as she did so.
Rrr~ip!
"Oaauuugh!" wailed one cream-haired maid whose hair was accidently ripped out instead of tugging her along with it.
Working with what she could get, Meiling twirled the pink-haired maid she had grabbed, and tossed it into the rockets.
KABOOM
Well, I don't think she was going to be filing worker's compensation any time soon!
The fairies that were previously attacking me were now just kinda watching the fight, idly whispering to themselves a bit. None of them dared make a move on Meiling after what she just did, at this point. You see, there's strong, there's army strong, and then there's Meiling strong. You don't fuck with Meiling strong.
Fwoosh!
She had to run out of rockets at some point, unless they were generated by mana, too. Fairies typically had a lot of mana, so this battle could be a complete stalemate for hours unless one of them acts like a total dumbass and gets pounded by the other at full force, and even then Meiling'd have the advantage with her sheer health pool, I'd hazard. I don't care how much of a rebel Ganpeki is, she's just a fairy; she can't tank whirlwind punches to the face.
KABOOM
Meiling had thrown another fairy into the salvo, and the rockets blew each other up at once again. The thing'd be more effective if they were spread out or fired on a delay or something…
Fwoosh!
And while what Meiling was doing was awesome, she didn't seem to be making any progress. She'd approach Ganpeki, shut down her rockets, and then she'd just float away, and Meiling couldn't quite afford to go arial without a way to deflect the rockets… that, or she had respect for the new chandelier she installed just the other day.
KABOOM
I start to edge past some fairies, who idly give me a smack or two as I move past them, but it's whatever. If they're passive enough to let me just edge by them, that's good enough for me.
Some frik tried to smack me in the face and I grab the pot she was using.
"No! This is mine now!" I yell, yanking it.
"H-hey! That's mine! Many are like it, but that one's mine!" Yet another yellow haired fairy glared at me.
I jab her in the ribs, and she relents, and I take it. "Fuck you."
She tries to go for it again, and I jab it into her face, sending her reeling.
"Faah! I fink yoo kno'd ouh my uooth!" She rose her hand to her mouth, backing away.
Fwoosh!
Meiling ran on the fairies in front of me. Freakin' idlers, yo.
KABOOM
Ganpeki moved over Meiling, laughing.
"You can't keep it up forever, can you, China girl? You know what they say- what's made in China, stays in China!"
...They said that? I know the saying, but I think a pun about her being made in China woulda been better. Then again, that's something I'd do.
"...Nothing!? C'mon, that one was great! I actually thought about that one!" Ganpeki irately shouted to her armada, who just didn't emote to it at all.
Fwoosh!
Ganpeki was darting her head around, glaring at her underlings.
I calmly moved near her through the fairy friks, clutching the pan tightly.
"...Oooh, ooh, I got a good one!" Ganpeki started. Meiling looked freakin' pissed- from what I could see of her, anyway.
"...What do you call a chinese girl… with a… hmm…" Ganpeki's expression fell as she decided to put in thought. "...Damn it."
KABOOM
I closed in on her, and rose my hand to the side of my mouth.
"Hey, admiral asshole!"
Ganpeki blinked. "That boy…"
She looked down at me. "...Hah! It's you! You're so fucked now! Die!"
She aimed the quad rocket launcher at me, and I tossed the pan forward.
"Useless!"
Fwo-BOOM!
The rockets hit the pan the moment they left the barrel, causing the explosion to send Ganpeki flying.
"Shit!" She twirled away, loosely gripping the huge rocket launcher.
Suddenly…
Pi~chun!
Meiling literally shattered her body with a flying kick that had totally destroyed her. De~struction!
"...Anyone else feeling antsy?" Meiling rotated in the air, glaring down at all the fairies.
"N-no…"
"Sorry…"
"Don't hurt me!"
The fairies seemed to be done with their rebellion now.
"Get back to work!" Meiling roared, eyes flashing.
I had to cover my ears from the resulting squeal.
"Kyaa~h!"
...Pain.
Like lightning, they had dispersed, flowing back into the halls like water.
...Well, all's well that ends well!
...Meiling floated down to the floor, and slouched, staring at the floor. "...Of all the rotten luck…"
I walk up to her, doing a casual strut. "Hello, friend."
She glanced up at me. "...Explain. Now."
Eheh…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
END OF CHAPTER 19
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
hello pals
in any case, this chapter was a fun one to write; the process began as "well what if this happened" and then I just kinda segued it into the actually relevant things happening. good stuff
...that's how a lot of my plotlines go, actually, just a whole lot of "y'know wouldn't that be funny/cool" and it happens to work with proper implementation
let me tell you: more than a few times i have almost jumped the shark but my proof reader keeps me on the straight and narrow with that stuff, yo; it always helps to have a proof reader who does more than just check your errors (but bloody hell there's always a lot of them).
while i'm in the neighborhood, i dunno if i've mentioned it before, but that one reviewer is indeed correct! i've put in numerous epic battle fantasy 4 references because it was fun.
as always, see you all next time!
p.s. just realized some comments that my proofreader made that i didn't resolve are LEFT IN THE FINAL BUILD OH GOD WHY
(on one of the earlier chapters where I made that whole "the reimu intensified" joke, the suggestion "THE REIMU OF ALL REIMUS" stayed. so just uh… EXCUSE THOSE.)
