(in which we get freakin' mauled)
I look around to my left and right a bit. "So, yeah, that's basically what happened."
Meiling blinked. "...You didn't say anything, though. I just asked you to explain things to me."
...Dammit, Yukari. I thought chapter changes were the perfect time to just omit information for the sake of the scene change!
A pan falls from the sky on my head, and I move to shield it. "Fucking, aagh!" My knuckles! They hur~t!
"...I don't have time for this…" Meiling scoffs.
I roll my eyes. "Jeez, I thought you were a bit more lax than this…"
She grabs me by the shoulders. "Ugh- look… Things are getting bad out there, we need to assemble backup. Something!" She starts shaking me!
"H-h-he-e-e-y-y-y-" I stutter out. Ho~ly shit this feels weird! Meiling, you and your freakin' immense strength stat…
She stops shaking me. "...Sorry."
I blink a bit. "That's uh… okay."
…
She lets go of me and I just collapse to the floor. Meiling raises her hands to call for the chief, "Sakuya! Sakuya~!"
I raise my hand from the floor. "S-she's busy, yo…"
Meiling stares down at me, unamused. "...Sakuya~!"
"No, like, legit. Flandre issues." I explain.
"...Seriously? Now, of all the times…?" Meiling looks tired. "...The special forces fairies?"
I give a lopsided grin. "Guess who Ganpeki was. You know, that green-haired bitch?" Earth green to be specific, but no need to be a smartass!
"...Oh, damn. Which of the four was she?" Meiling sighed, shaking her head.
...Well, with how unruly she was, I think it'd be obvious… "The bulldozer, I take it."
Meiling jerked her head back. "Her?...That... makes sense, actually. Hmph…"
…
Komi and Koi stumble in from the hallway door we were guarding. Komi rubs her head. "Did… did we get them?"
Slowly raising from the floor, I shake my head. "No, we got fookin' bamboozled. We've been sentenced to an eternity of community snugglefesting."
Komi throws her head back. "Nooo~!"
Koi blinks. "...That doesn't sound so bad, actually."
I look to London, who I had neglected to actually order at all, so she ended up sitting in place and kicking the ass of everything that dared assault her stationary position the whole battle. A pile of fallen utensils and kitchen armors lied under her, a testament to the slaughter she wrought upon fairy kind this day.
"...Well, she's effective, apparently." If only I was effective!
I walk up to Namori's pillbox… or what was left of it. "...This place got freakin' leveled."
Koi walked up to it. "...This is why I didn't take a fort thing!"
I dug through the rocks a bit, and found the two disembodied broom legs of Namori, who I now assume died in service. I lower Remilia's mob cap to my chest in acknowledgement. "Sleep well, soldier."
...Komi tapped on my shoulder. "We respawn, idiot."
Freakin'...! "Can you not let me have one moment of psuedo-sentimentality!?"
"No!" Komi stomps the floor. "What about that fortune and glory you promised us!?"
Koi blushed. "...We~ll, I'd gladly take an alternate-"
"Those thoughts aren't welcomed here!" Komi barked at her.
I hear unpleasant, writhing noises come from the front door.
"...Let me guess…" I begin.
Meiling gets into a ready position.
"...The vines have spread all the way to the manor, and Remilia managed to not guard the gate with you, somehow." I take an educated guess…
"You hit the nail on the head, kid." Meiling replied solemnly, gaze locked on the door.
Bam! A vine shot from the floor!
Bam, bam! Oh, shit!
"...There'll be even more fortune and glory for us if we fuck those vines up!... which we can't do, so let's advance in the opposite direction!" I aim Deep Blue to the sky heroically, and charge away from the vines.
"The boy's right; those toxic properties are too big of a problem for me, and surely too big of a problem for you three. We need to get the hell out of here- now." Meiling emphasized.
"No objections there!" Komi leaped at Meiling, who caught her in her arms. "Get me out of here!"
Koi put a finger to her lips. "...You know, I always wanted to try-"
Meiling shook her head. "No, they're killer vines, not… those kind."
Koi flew up to me and tried to leap into my arms, but since I wasn't expecting it we both just skid to the floor.
"Ahuhu~!" Koi giggles. "Sorry…"
As comfy as it was having Koi sit on my lap, we needed to get goin'! I tried actually lifting her to various success; she's light because she's a fairy, but on the other hand, my arm strength was always piss-poor when it came to carrying large objects!
"Hold on…" I prop her upright and put away Deep Blue, and took out the Escape Plan. Again, thank you Flandre, you life saver, you.
I pick her up again. "There we are!"
Bam, bam bam! Vines start erupting from the floor!
I see Meiling take off into the halls and I follow her, able to somewhat keep up because of the damage-to-speed ratio.
…
We've probably vastly outrun the vines by now, but uh…
…
"Hey, Meiling!" I shout to her before she gets a little too far.
She looks back and slows down a bit. "Yeah, what!?"
"I think we should go find the others instead of run around aimlessly in the halls!" ...Although I had nothing against running around aimlessly in the halls.
"What do you think I'm trying to do!?" Meiling yelled back in response.
"But you don't understand, yo! I know where they-"
"Then stop following me!" Meiling cut me off and dashed off at full speed again, easily eluding me around some sharp turns that I dared not take with my speed. I was not good martial arts man!
"...Have fun with that!" I tell no one in particular- except for Koi. It's kinda hard to forget about something you're actively carrying…!
"...We could have fun-"
Koi, please…! "Time is of the essence, you cuddly fuck!" I begin dashing towards where Patchy should be…
Her eyes light up towards the end of my sentence. "Ooh~! Great idea!"
This is gonna be a struggle the whole way, won't it?
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
"...And that's how I fit a whole rolling pin up my-"
For fuck's sake… "No, yo! I don't need to look at a rolling pin and think back to this conversation just to get the fridge logic of 'how the hell does someone fit this up their arse'!"
Koi pouts. "Well, you didn't need to be rude about it…"
I nod. "Yes, I did. Fock you."
In any case, we reached that room where we were supposed to slam Flandre with a tsunami! Just before we enter the door, Koi puts a hand to the wall to stop me.
Koi glared at me. "Well, I never! What if I don't want to have sex with you now?"
I grin. "Good. Don't."
"...Why are you so against it?" Koi brings a hand to my chin. "Are you a virgin?"
I nod. "Yes. Yes I am, though my mind would beg to differ." Internet porn, yo. It does things to ya! "...Although, I have one- no, several big reasons as to why I don't want to have kinky spontaneous sexual intercourse with you."
She raises an eyebrow. "Try me~..."
"This fic is rated T, the scene would be awkward as shit for the readers, and finally, time is actually an important factor right now!" I bluntly provide.
...Koi nods, apparently satisfied. "...Huh. Well, okay, I guess."
Glad we could work that out!
…
A gap opens up, and a gloved hand with a pink potion shoots out.
"Wha-"
Koi's forced to guzzle it, the hand forcibly shoving it into her mouth.
Gulp…Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…
The hand retracts into the gap, ripping the bottle from Koi's mouth. "...Hwaa~h…" ...That reminds me, did we just leave a comatose Ha-chan to the mercy of vines? Indeed we did!... She'll get better.
Koi then tries to glomp me, and I respond by dropping her to the floor.
I clamber into the room, Koi latching onto my ankle and forcing me to drag her along.
Patchouli sees me stagger in with a fairy on my ankle. "...Had fun, I take it?"
I shake my head. "The exact opposite. I was the ruiner of fun."
Patchouli rolls her eyes. "Aah, I see, I see…" and looks back down into her book. "Regardless, you're fashionably early by a few minutes, at the least."
...Oh, yeah. I had to pry Flandre from the tsunami room once she was properly tsunami-ified. That was gonna be a bitch, wasn't it?
Koi slowly works her way up my ankle. "...C-c'mon…"
I shake my ankle. "Yo, no! Patchy, help!"
Patchouli blinks. "...I don't remember giving you the right to call me a nickname."
I put my hands on my head. "Holy shieut, now's not the time to be moody, you fluffy frik!"
"...I suppose you don't need any help, then." Patchouli smiles and looks back into her book.
I fold my arms, and sit down on a generic Scarlet chair next to the room's vanity. "That's it, yo. I resign to my fate."
Koi stands up and tries to leap at me, and I hold my hand out to stop her head and push her away. "No death by snu-snu, though! Calm your hormones!"
She blinks in a confused manner. "...Death by wha~?"
"You don't need to know." I raise a foot to push her away as she crawls nearer.
Patchouli floats up from her spot on the bed. "It's showtime."
Koi glows lightly as she's levitated out of the room. "W-what!? No! I want him!"
"I have a succubus who'll do it for free." Patchouli provided.
"I-I… what the hell's a succubus doing this far north?" Koi stops to question.
"Familiar." Patchouli explains.
"Ah."
The door clicks, and the two have left the room.
…
Patchouli opens the door. "Sit in the dresser or something. Don't hide under the bed like last time; you'll drown." Click.
Well, thanks, I guess.
I climb into the dresser, pushing the identical maid outfits aside. Would it kill Remilia to dye a few?... Ooh, dude, what if you could customize your maid outfit? That'd be sick, yo! Add resistances, and-
Slam! The door opened.
"Huhahahaha~..." Flandre shambled into the room, a few kitchen utensils embedded in her outfit. Her glare turned to the fairy who was still freakin' zonked on the bed.
Water began trickling in from the edges of the room, but Flandre's eyes were locked on the fairy. Suddenly, she turned to the vanity.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall…"
Water was flowing at a more steady pace, the walls now seemingly still from afar as the glassy, smooth water flowed down, only shattering as it hit the floor, splashing. The water slowly grew louder as it picked up.
"There's… a bookworm… in the hall…" Oh, shit. She knew.
Flandre slowly floated into the air, avoiding the water as it pooled at her feet. She knew!
She ripped a fork from her dress, and chucked it at the sleeping fairy maid.
Pi~chun!
"...but not for lo~ng!"
Flandre turns to the door, still avoiding the water. The water's noise had risen to a roar.
I leaped from the dresser, and ripped the valve for Deep Blue to full blast, chucking it at Flandre.
She whirls from the door. "Oh~? Do you-..."
She pauses as she sees the plant hanger through the air, the powerful water flower sending it rocketing around like a bad Garry's Mod prop.
She raises her hand to try and 'kyuu' it, but it's freakin' fast!
BLAM
The bedpost exploded!
Thunk! Deep Blue smacked her in the head, water gushing over her.
"Kyaaa~h!" Flandre dove back and landed in the ankle-deep water. "A-aaa~h!" She began thrashing around, and as she slowed, I ran up to her and lifted her from the water.
"Alright, yo, it's okay! It's okay!" I hug her, and she- ouch! Oh, fuck me! Shit!
I run up to the door and kick on it. "Open the goddamn door!"
The door flings open, the water flows out. I dash forward, an angry Flandre flailing in my arms. I feel Koi latch to my back as I run out. "Jesus, fuck!"
Patchouli blinks, floating as to keep herself from the tides. Her hands cease glowing, which I assume is her ceasing to power the spell keeping the water flowing. "...You're quite popular with the ladies, I see."
"Nyah, shut up…" I glare at her, my arms getting scratched lightly by Flandre's now non-clawlike nails.
"...I missed you~..." Koi coos into my ear.
I toss Flandre at Patchouli, and they both collapse to the floor.
"I'm gonna go take a nap." I decide, marching off.
"H-help…!" Patchouli crawls in the water, Flandre cautiously sitting atop her with her legs all balled up, staring at the water. She seems calmed enough…
I wave at her. "Have fun in the tub, Patchy!" I'd normally be more receptive, but the circumstance hasn't given me many reasons to be positive or cooperative!
…Oh, yeah, that vine thing…
Sakuya pops in from time land! "...What happened?"
I give a lopsided grin again. "Well, I was takin' route sixty-seven off the freeway, and wouldn't'cha know it, I saw the strangest thing!" I pointed my thumb at the fairy maid on my back.
"...Sure." Sakuya sighed. "And about that?"
She pointed to Patchouli, who was currently writhing on the floor in her soggy pajamas. "C-cold…" She began coughing.
...I wave my hand. "Aah… nothing a home owner's insurance policy can't take care of."
Flandre blinked, shivering. "...W-wet…"
Do we need a bonfire or somethin'?...Actually…
I run back into the room. "Hold that thought!"
I pull out a table. "Hey, check it." I take out Flame Dispenser and tap the table with it, and it bursts into flames. "Hehey!"
I walk up to Patchy and carefully push her near the fire, Flandre struggling to keep balanced on her back.
"O-ouch!" Patchouli squeaked.
I then grabbed Flandre. I couldn't set her on the soggy floor, so… holy shit, where are paper towels when you need 'em!?
"Alright. Koi, get off my back and you'll get a ball of love."
"Eeee~!" Koi squeed, hopping off my back and clapping her hands together.
"Close your eyes and hold out your hands." I asked of her.
She did as instructed, and I planted Flandre in her hands. I then tapped her on the shoulder. "Don't drop her, don't molest her, and don't let her do any of the above to you." I instructed Koi.
She opened her eyes. "W-what?... No fair!"
"Yes fair." I nod, walking towards Sakuya.
"...That's going to burn the mansion down, you know." She worriedly eyed the blazing table.
I wave my hand dismissively. "C'mon, the floor's wet. No harm, no foul. Or something."
"...I'll bring them to an actual fireplace." Sakuya decided.
Freakin'... "Why didn't ya say that in the first place?"
"You looked like you were having fun." Sakuya folded her arms.
"Well…" I kinda was! "...I am cold, and wet, and sad. Meiling's running around like a chicken with its head cut off lookin' for ya, Flandre's like, existing, Patchouli's probably out of commission, and vines are invading the manor."
"The vines are what?" Sakuya did a double-take.
"...I said we're under attack, Sakuya!" I grabbed her by the shoulders. "The manor is being besieged!"
She grabbed my arms with hers, and took them off her. "How bad even is it…?" She looked freakin' tired.
"...Well, Remilia's nowhere to be found, they're rapidly invading the lobby and inwards, an~d uh… pain, essentially." I stare at Patchouli's slowly breathing form.
"...Dammit." Sakuya swore, sighing.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
I sat all cozily around the rather crude boiler. We didn't have any real fireplaces in the manor yet, just this. The room was dim, but for whatever reason identical to the halls and guest rooms, barring the grey stone floor where the boiler itself was. The ceiling was beige, and it had this little white lightbulb that blinked.
Patchouli was curled up in a ball in her undies, shivering. "...Y-you...i-idiot…" She was surprisingly limber, which was probably a byproduct of her health. I won't mention bust size, but I'd say that she's uh… more than meets the eye.
"...S-stop staring…" She glares at me.
I jerk my head away. "Welp, uh, you see, aa~h…"
"Just be quiet…"
...Awkward!
Flandre was up in a ball too, but she didn't get as wet as Patchouli, so she didn't need to strip down to her undies, which was fine by me. Eheh...
"...T-that was mean…"
I shrug. "Yo, and what you were doin' wasn't?"
"I didn't know what I was doing!" Flandre yells, glaring at me. I jump back reflexively, not expecting the volume.
"...I-I didn't know…" She looks back down to her knees.
...Hmm. Involuntary nonsense is always worrying.
"...Well, it gotcha to calm down, at the least." I try to steer this in an optimistic way…!
"...I-I shouldn't have needed calming down." Freakin'... Accept my kindness, dammit!
I shrug. "Well, I'm freakin' overdrawn at the empathy bank. I'm outta cards, yo. Outta cards, outta tricks up my sleeve, and outta sleeves!" I grab the sleeves of my monk robe thing and roll it up. "No sleeves, yo…"
Flandre grins. "...But you just rolled them up."
"Pedantics!" I reply. "Look, Patchy, I even-"
"Stop c-calling me that…" Patchouli looks up at me scornfully.
"Yeah, whatever. Alright, I even-"
"Stop." Flandre interrupts me, staring at me.
"Say what now?" I look at her, somewhat confused.
"Stop." Flandre gets up and walks towards me.
"Stop uh… stop what?" I raise a brow a little awkwardly.
"She doesn't like you calling her that. Stop it." Flandre sternly prompts me.
"A...alright?" I'm feeling super awkward now!
She quickly slides up to me and grabs me by the wrist. Like that, she carefully walks over to Patchouli, dragging me along with her.
"Apologize."
Ah… "...Sorry. If uh… you really have that much of a problem with it, I'll uh… I'll stop." Help, no.
Patchouli blinks, not expecting this development either. "...T-that's… alright?"
Flandre smiles and lets me go. "Don't do it again!" She waves her finger at me. Despite her debatably legitimate innocent demeanor, one must remember she is both an insanely powerful vampire and co-mistress to the mansion.
I awkwardly grin. "Yeah!..."
Flandre stretches a bit. "...I think my clothes are dry now… Whose idea was the whole water thing anyway?"
Her eyes lock on me. "...Hey, my idea was just to toss buckets at you until you stopped, which didn't go well because hitting you with a bucket was like tossing a paper ball into a trashcan that's like, a normal distance away… and the real dinger is when the trash can gets up, grabs the paper ball, runs up to you and shoves it up ya fookin' arse! That's a real dinger, for ya, yo!"
…
"...So it wasn't your idea…?" Flandre didn't know what to make of my paragraph, tilting her head.
"Basically, no." I summarized, grinning.
...Patchouli didn't say anything. I don't necessarily blame her, being as freakin' flimsy and cuddly as she is.
Patchouli glared at me again. "...W-why are you staring at me ag-"
Okay, look. "Because my thoughts shifted to you, in a non-sexual way! My hormones aren't that potent, even if they're like, ninety-five percent of my blood stream!"
"...Ah." Patchouli looked away, minding her own business. That's right, cuddly. You better 'ah' me.
"...Will she be okay?" Flandre looked in the corner of the room, noticing an unconscious Koi, who had a brick next to her head.
I bring a hand to my chin. "...Yeah. She's just sleeping. Real hard day." Life is rough, yo. She was cuddly.
Flandre nodded. "...I guess so…" Her face paled. "I-I… I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"
…
"...Nah, you weren't a big problem." I reply in a chillax manner, giving a casual smile.
"...Good." Flandre smiles.
...Pfft! "Hahahahahah!" I burst out laughing.
"...Haha...hahaha!" Flandre laughs with me. "What are we laughing at!?"
"I don't know!" I respond on the spot. I really do know, but if you knew, you wouldn't be laughing!
"...You two…" Patchouli seemed to be recovering!
Suddenly, Meiling!
Bam! We stop laughing suddenly, as the door behind us is kicked open!
"Sakuya! Mistress! Patchouli! Anyone!"
…
"Hi, how's it goin'." I wave casually at her. Flandre waves with me, and Patchouli waves too.
…
"...Why… the hell… are all of you in the boiler room?"
"Long story. Wanna go get some popcorn for uh… yourself?" I awkwardly botch my joke. Shieut!
"...Okay, you know what? I'll roll with it."
Komi was still in her arms, by the way, looking incredibly windswept. "...I-I… for one… would like some popcorn."
Meiling looks down at her. "And would you like to run another ten halls back to the kitchen with me?"
"...Point taken… and well made…" Komi was freakin' frazzled.
…
"...Welcome to the boiler of the bums, yo! We broil the fluffs, the guffs, and the stuffs!" I officially greeted Meiling!
"...Why are you still screwing around? We don't know how close those vines are to here, even." Meiling, glared at me. Everyone was freakin' glaring at me today!
I take a moment to come up with a good response… "Look, yo, I already informed Sakuya of the issue and she had us sitchiated hea' for the time bein', so I don't think there's a big problem-o, for now."
"...Hmph." Meiling folds her arms. "I'll trust her judgement, then."
Truth be told, Sakuya probably doesn't know of their progress either, but y'know…
…
It's times like this I wished they had invented weed whackers back in the way-back-whens. Or weed spray. I mean yo, I freakin' disrupted a tank battalion like twenty bajillion chapters ago, somehow. Provided, they were being piloted by fairies, but yo…!
"...We should evacuate regardless." Meiling suggested, moving around restlessly.
"I bet the vines have surrounded the outer grounds." I point out.
"...We can fly." Meiling stares at me blankly.
Oh, right. Magical girls. Kinda forgot that part, somehow.
I turn to face Flandre, and smirk. "Alright, Flandre, we're gonna use your up-b recovery to get out of here."
Flandre furrows her brows. "My what?"
... I walk around the corner outside of the room, and open my sack for the fluffles I had Sakuya relocate out there for a gag that couldn't take place due to circumstance; namely that one where Flandre had forced me to apolomagize for my actions, interrupting what I was gonna say.
"...Get in, friends! It's not safe!"
The fluffles scurry into the sack.
I walk back into the room. "Alright…"
"What are you doing…?" Patchouli vainly stares me down.
"Things, yo." I nod at her, and continue towards Koi.
I pull out Deep Blue and twist the valve a bit, and let the water drip on her. "Wake the fuck up!"
After a few moments, she starts shaking and jitters awake. "Hu-hah, wha~t!?" She sits up, looking around.
"Latch onto my hips, yo." I thrust my bum towards her.
"...I think I'm still dreaming." She complies, a slight bit offput by the fact I'm still wearing robes that hide my features, but compliant nonetheless.
"Komi, stay in Meiling's arms." I point at her.
"Sure." Komi yawns.
"Who are you to just order people around?" Meiling eyes me suspiciously.
"Please hold your questions until the end of the ride!" I exclaim. "Patchouli, grab Meiling, and Meiling, grab Flandre's arm."
"What even are we doing…?" Patchouli cooperates, and Meiling does too.
"...I don't get it either, Patchouli-sama…" Meiling looks confused.
Alright, all the preparations were set!
I stare up at the beige ceiling of the boiler room, and point my hand at it as if I knew where the hell this crazy ride would take us.
"Remember what I said about your up-b, Flandre?" I grin.
"...I still don't know what that is…" Flandre replies, unsure.
I come up behind her and latch onto her waist. "Fly, Flandre, Fly! Oh, shit! Help, fly! Screaming! Loud noises!"
Flandre screams. "Aaa~aaah!"
She leaps, soaring into the air and her crystal wings lighting up like a brilliant rainbow, and we soar into the ceiling. Since all of us were latched onto Flandre by some stage way, we all take to the air with her.
Bam! We were on an upper hallway!
Bam! We pierced the floor of Remilia's room, tipping over that metal table.
The two impacts have already slowed us considerably, an~d…
Bam!
We barely passed the makeshift top of the manor, the roof of Remilia's room. Past there, we saw the azure sky of early, early morning. There wasn't sun yet, but there would be eventually.
Flandre's wings began returning to normal! We had to go higher!
I reach into my sack, feeling fluffy things on the inside. Digging around, I find the Escape Plan and rip it out, and I bring it back around to the front of Flandre's waist.
"Grab it!" I shout over the wind and roar of her wings.
She grabs it, and her wings light up.
Vruuuuuu!
We're boosted far above the manor, before her wings flicker out again.
"Alright, thanks for riding Flandre air lines! Get the fuck off and fly by yourself now!" I shout to everyone. Meiling detaches, still holding onto Komi. Patchouli hangs onto her for dear life, rocked by the transit.
...Koi's still on my waist, so I kick her off. She falls for a bit, before beginning to float on her own.
I reach into my bag of tricks again, and pull out the Yin-yang flail-o-copter!
"Yo, help me not die!" I shout to Flandre, and she holds my arm before I drop.
...Which hurts like a son of a bitch, being held by just my arm! "Eaaaugh!"
Flandre lets go and grabs my waist instead. "S-sorry!"
I begin spinning my flail…
Woosh… woosh… woosh, woosh, woosh, woowoowoowoo!
"...You can let go, now." I think I've got this!
"A-alright…" Flandre lets me go, and I float stably!
"Woohoo! To the skies once again, baby!" I pump my free arm.
Meiling looks at me skeptically. "...Well, that worked. I guess."
Patchouli floated free of her, taking deep breaths. "...T-that was…"
I looked down, and saw that the vines were only halfway across the perimeter of the manor. Well, I was half right, then.
...I also observed the whole jungle of vines that had spread towards the manor.
"...Holy shit." Holy shit.
Patchouli's eyes widened, looking down. "...This is bad."
...Hmm. "We should go pay Yuuka a visit." I think aloud.
"How about we don't?" Meiling doesn't like that idea one bit.
"Well, you and the fluffy fellows can hold the fort… in the sky… or something. Become a team fortress! I'll be off to have a chat with the flower person." I casually begin hovering off, bobbing along with the flail as it stabilizes in the air, and I begin hovering towards where the flower field should be…
"I'm coming with!" Flandre exclaims. Oh, boy. "I-I don't hear good things about the flower person!"
Aww. "Don't worry yo, I'll be fine-"
"No, you won't! I'm coming." Flandre decides, floating alongside me.
"...Sure." I decide.
I wave to Meiling. "Tell Sakuya I'm off to buy some weed spray."
She nods. "Alright. Don't die, I guess. Make sure Flan-chan comes back safely."
"I will! Don't worry, Meiling!" Flandre waves to her.
And so, we begin our journey to the field of the cuddleable sunflowers!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Meiling sighs.
Patchouli sighs, too. "In retrospect, we shouldn't have let the little mistress go off like that- especially with that boy. Remi would be pissed if she got into serious trouble on the outside because of him."
Meiling looks worried. "Is he really that bad…?"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Said journey was relatively uneventful, as we made our way across the dim landscape of Gensokyo in the super early morning. Below us, various bits and places had vine-related problems, but nothing major seemed to be in trouble. Even the village seemed okay; the vines were kinda at the walls, but no further.
"...What's she like?" Flandre questioned me, presumably talking of Kazami.
"Tall, dark, and mean." Like me on a school day!
"...Is that really true? Maybe she's just misunderstood…" Flandre looks unsure.
I sigh. "Well… she might be, but all things considered, she's not in a big fat hurry to be understood. She actively commits slaughter, purposefully, so uh…"
"...I see." Flandre doesn't look very happy with that answer. I wouldn't be, either!
We were close to the field, and it seemed to have vines near the edges of it, but the sunflower field was largely untouched. Largely. Marginally.
...as in, part of the field was touched.
Vrrrrr!
I heard lasers, and I saw lasers. Not directed towards us, thankfully.
Vrrrrr!
Flandre cast a worried look down at the violence, but we continued forward to the center of the flower field, where a simplistic house sat.
Floating down, we came up to a little, white metal table. People liked to use these! Flandre and I sat down at one, listening to the hums of lasers in the distance.
…
...Fluffy days, yo…
…
"Ah! I see that I have guests!"
Oh, boy.
Yuuka emerges from amidst her flowers, hovering towards a chair. She takes a seat, and props her arms on the table.
"Whom do we have here? This fop, obviously-" She gestures to me. "-and some random vampire he found, apparently." She gestures to Flandre. "...Didn't know you were into the younger ones." She gives me a snide grin.
I shrug. "Gotta lick them lolis clean, yo."
Flandre tilts her head. "...I don't get it!"
Yuuka immediately turns to her. "I could explain it to you, in full detail."
"Vinesauce!" I slam my hands on the table. , Yuuka.
…
"...That does remind me… would you two happen to know of what is causing this vine problem, by any chance…?" Yuuka's eyes switch between the two of us.
I shake my head. "Not re-umph!"
My mouth is covered by a leaf. "Not from you. I want to hear it from her."
She turns to Flandre, who looks a little nervous. "...I dunno, I only recently saw what was going on… I don't get outside often, either, so this is all new to me…"
Yuuka smiles. "Ooo~h, you must be a young vampire, then! Goodness me…" She puts a hand to her chest. "...Quite a set of events, wouldn't you say?... I assume you followed that man for his blood, correct?"
Flandre shook her head, her face growing more stern. "N-no, it's not like that…"
"Or did he capture you with vampire-taming magics? I wouldn't put it past him to carry a few crosses on him…" Yuuka eyes me scornfully, then gets up and walks near me. "I could dispose of him, if you wanted me to… You'd be free."
I need an adult!
Flandre's eyes light up at the word 'free', and before she can respond, Yuuka reacts. "Oh… oo~h? Freedom… is that it? Say no more."
Yuuka's hands begin to reach towards me…
Pow!
...Yuuka was at least a single foot away from me. Flandre was right next to me now, fist outstretched. Yuuka's head was turned slightly from the punch.
"...Don't put words into my mouth…" Flandre glared at her.
… I wanna look at my character sheet. Why? Because I wanna see how deep into the negatives my LUK stat is!
"...Vampire." Yuuka begins.
Flandre turns to me and rips the leaf from my mouth. It's like plant duct tape!
"...Do you know… who I am?"
Flandre glares at her. "...No. I don't. Not well, anyway. People talk about you. They don't say good things about you. They don't say good things about me, either."
"...Human discrimination, hmm? All the more reason to slaughter them." Yuuka gave her good ol' slasher smile.
"...Stop." Flandre requests.
"...Did I hit the nail on the head?" Yuuka grins.
"...Stop." Flandre requests again.
"...Just kill them a-"
"Stop acting like you know me~!" Flandre roars, throwing her arms back. Her claws extended on one hand, and The Escape Plan lit alive with magic in the other.
Yuuka floats into the air. "...Come, open your heart, young vampire."
Flandre opts for glaring at her some more. "...How would you like it… if I talked about you like that?"
Yuuka shrugged. "Indifference."
"What if I talked like you were some killer!?... What if I called you a psychopath? A murderer?" Flandre stared at her, disbelieving.
"...Then you'd be right on the money." Yuuka began grinning again. "...I don't remember vampires being so… touchy-feely."
"...I think you're just misunderstood." Flandre's expression grew sorrowful.
Yuuka snorted. "Pfft… What was that you said about talking about people as if you knew them?"
…
I could like, feel the sparks flying between the two...
"...I don't like you." Flandre decided.
"Join the club."
I cup my hands around my mouth. "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Flan!"
…
The two just briefly turn at me and scoff.
...Look, I had to. That joke wrote itself!
"...I grow bored of this staring contest. My name… is Yuuka Kazami," she exclaimed, raising her parasol. "And now, young vampire, you die."
I quickly barrel out of the way as Yuuka points her parasol at Flandre. Flandre braces herself…
Vrrrrr!
I don't need to look behind me to see the light that's being cast across the field from the beam.
...The light from the spark dies down, and I turn around to see Yuuka floating around idly.
"...All it took was one blow?... Piti-"
Flandre darted out from the flowers, and latched onto Yuuka.
"Huh?... Amusing." Yuuka grinned. "So the little vampire is fast on her feet. It's a pity I have to kill you, now. You could have been my servant, were you a little less dimwitted."
"Shut up!" Flandre yelled back at her from her back.
Yuuka reached behind her and tried to rip Flandre from her back, only to have some difficulties- both due to the positioning, and due to Flandre's strength. "...One hell of a grip you have, kid."
Yuuka curls up into a ball, and when she uncurls, a green shockwave launches Flandre off her and into the air.
"Die." Yuuka aimed her parasoul at the launched Flandre.
Vrrrrrrrr!
I had to shield my eyes from the sudden light produced by the spark. When it was over, Flandre was sitting a bit to the left. She stuck out her tongue, and used her hand to lower one of her eyelids in a mocking manner.
"...You're not clever, child."
Yuuka divided into two, and both of her aimed their parasols at Flandre.
VrrrRRRRR!
...Not a lot I could do on the sidelines, here. I couldn't necessarily leave; those flowers were mean, and Yuuka was mean, and flying into the sky would be mean…
Shieut.
Flandre was still okay after the lasers had passed. Despite them being two, they were about as equally obstructive as one.
"Can't hit me!" Flandre yelled.
Vrrrrrrrr!
"Stop it!"
Vrrrrrrr!
"You're mean!"
Vrrrrrr!
This was going nowhere, unless Yuuka stopped firing giant unwieldy lasers and began using normal danmaku. That, and Flandre seemed to be trying to go the pacifist route for this fight.
Vrrrrr!
...I feel like Yuuka's still digging for that servant opportunity or something…
"...You're annoying." Yuuka decided, staring at Flandre.
"...I don't want to hurt you." Flandre stared back.
...Yuuka darted towards Flandre, but Flandre was ready, if only because Yuuka wasn't as quick as she was. She whirled around her and tried to connect the Escape Plan to the back of her head, but Yuuka kicked backwards, sending Flandre back a foot or so, from which she continued to fly forward and bean Yuuka in the head anyway.
"Guh…" Yuuka rubbed her head. "You're gonna die, for that."
She leaped forward, attempting to grapple Flandre, only to get beaned in the head again.
"...This is starting to annoy me." Yuuka split into two again, making me question where the hell the double went after that one double-spark. They both swung their parasols at Flandre like fencing swords, and Flandre blocked them both because, like the dual sparks, they met at the same bloody point. Idiots…
"...Gotcha!" Flandre slid the hanger past one of the parasols, and smacked the clone Yuuka in the face.
The original Yuuka then took her parasol, and swiftly impaled Flandre to the left of her spine, missing it by a fair margin.
"Eaagh!" Flandre flinched forward, a gash on her back opened from the sudden jab.
Grinning, Yuuka tried to latch onto the wound with her open hand, and was successful, but Flandre ripped away from it anyway, a chunk of her flesh being taken off as she did so.
"A-aaauh!" Flandre wailed, the Escape Plan burning brighter as she darted over the field of flowers. Her wounds regenerated a tad slower, which I assume were after-effects of the water treatment from earlier.
Yuuka was pursuing.
"I didn't want to do this…" Flandre winced, and held out her hand…
"You're mine!" Yuuka gleefully shouted, raising her parasol over her head.
Flandre closed her palm.
BLAM
Yuuka's… parasol was what exploded.
She brought down her hand, swinging nothing.
…
The clone Yuuka floated up, and merged back with the real Yuuka, who somehow inherited the parasol of her clone. The most mundane of super powers!
…
"Can we just talk this out?" Flandre meekly suggested.
Yuuka sighed. "...Normally this is where I'd get serious, but with these vines around, it'd be a bit of a problem if I wasted time on children like you. My garden needs me."
Yuuka must go now, her planet needs her. Insert Kappa face. Y'know, the Twitch emoticon… not the species of youkai...
"...Or maybe you just don't want to hurt me." Flandre, you're playing a dangerous game…!
Yuuka took the off moment to dash up to Flandre. She reached for her arm, but Flandre jerked it back.
Fwi-Choom!
A random laser from some generic sunflower amidst the field shot out, engulfing Flandre.
"A-Aaah!"
Flandre escaped the line of pain in the sky, dashing out of it much too late to avoid the damage.
Yuuka drifts towards her and lightly grabs her chin. "You don't know what serious means, young vampire."
...If that kyuu hit Yuuka and not her girly umbrella, she'd probably be dead right now. I don't think she has natural insta-death resistance, even if she does seem like a boss person. I dunno.
"...However, I am busy today. It is simply not within my agenda to put in the effort towards killing you right now. Sorry." Yuuka drifted away from Flandre. "...Just don't give me a reason to do it anyway."
Yuuka drifts back down to her table, and I cautiously approach it and sit down.
"...So, how's 'bout that ga~me ball…?" I press my hands together.
Yuuka doesn't bother to look at me. "...I'll tell you what. You solve this… vine problem, and I reward you. Infact, you get two rewards."
That sounds made up. I scrunch my face…!
"Your first reward is that you get to live the next time I see you and your little vampire toy."
Oh, gee, thanks. Nice of ya.
"Your second reward… would be quite fitting for yourself, actually." ...Well, that's vague as shit!
I also dunno how to reply. "...Alright, that's uh… that's cool."
Flandre floats up tiredly. "...I-I wanna go home. I don't like it here."
Pouting, Yuuka mocks Flandre. "Oh, boo hoo. This can't be the first time you've been walked all over, has it? Don't answer that; that human… captor of yours tells me everything."
I nod slowly. "Hey, Yuuka. You don't have time to kill us right now, right?" Rising from my chair, I walk towards Flandre, slowly bringing an arm to her shoulder.
"...Not unless you want me to." she grins.
I lean over and whisper into Flandre's ears. "Think you can fly as fast as possible when I say 'hyonk'?"
She nods slowly.
Good, good…
I look at Yuuka. Hmmm…
"...You ever hear of the twelve days of Christmas, Yuuka?"
She tilts her head. "...I've heard the carol, yes. The holiday I find in poor taste, however." Yeah, you would.
"...So, where do they keep the pear tree every year? Up your ass!? That'd explain why you're such a huge bitch! Hyonk!" I give her a shit-eating grin, and grab onto Flandre's waist with one arm, and wave at her with the other.
Yuuka stands up, and Flandre soars off, her wings lighting up as they did before, and we sail into the dim sky.
choo...chooo, chooo!
Lasers emerge from the field below, but most don't come too close to hitting us.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
With a name like "A STORY FOR GLORY" you'd think it'd be about me kicking some serious ass! But no, it's just this incident screwing up my happenings!
...Man, now I know why Reimu and the others hate it when everything goes to shit!
"...So uh, was there any particular reason to holding back, or were you just not feeling it today?" I ask Flandre, who seemed to be contemplating life as she flew around in a bee line towards the manor.
"I thought she was like me." Flandre reasoned. "I thought that she might have not been what people said she was…"
I shake my head. "I can guarantee that this is one of those moments where the the people weren't entirely wrong about her character. Vaguely, anyway. If they said she was an asshole, then they've at least got the gist of it."
Nearing the mansion, a shimmering platform sat in the air, and Flandre was drawn to investigate it.
"...Hey." Sakuya was sitting with her legs crossed on the platform. It wasn't a small one, either; I'd say like twenty feet across, enough to fit a couple people.
"...Hi." Flandre greeted her as she let me go onto the platform.
Landing soundly, I pat my clothes to make sure… yeah, they're all still there; they didn't just vaporize between scene changes. "Well, Yuuka apparently didn't have anything to do with anything." I add. "...Do plants menstruate?"
Sakuya rolls her eyes.
Patchouli was floating in the air over the platform, apparently being the one powering it. I dunno if she needed concentration or not, but I don't think now would be a good time to find out.
"...So, how'd it go?" Meiling was idly kicking her legs off the side of the platform.
"We died." I provided helpfully.
"...Not well, I take it." Meiling nods to the sky.
"We got better, though."
Flandre was sort of restlessly stretching, now. "...I'm bored, now…"
I look down, and the vines have spread around the mansion, and some fairies were panicking on the outside a bit. Some were throwing things, because that helps.
"...Now that I think about it, a fusion cannon would kick Kazami's ass…" I doubt any fusion cannons exist on the surface of Gensokyo, and if anything they'd be in that nuclear plant a million miles down below.
Sakuya hands Flandre a parasol from abso-freakin'-lutely nowhere, because the sun was rising over the horizon; it was genuinely morning now.
…
Wow, we're really at kind of a standstill, aren't we?
…
But, now that I think about it, now would be a good time to plunder Kourindou for some upgrades and shit!
"I'm going to go to the store guys, do you want anything?" I pull out my Yin-yang flail-o-copter and get ready for some traveling…
"...Weed spray." Sakuya mutters.
"...Shears." Meiling adds.
I nod. "...I probably can't get either of those things, but I'll keep my eyes open!"
"You do that." Sakuya sees me off with very little enthusiasm.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Nearing Kourindou, the vines nearby hadn't quite reached it, but I'd say if I gave the place an hour, it'd be in deep shit.
Walking inside, I find that some wild fairies had the same idea that I did, too.
"He~y, Grass-chan! Look at this!" A brown-haired fairy raised what looked like a pistol into the air.
A pistol?
I ran up, but stopped midway when I notice that… it's just another NERF Maverick blaster, except painted black. It was one of those freakin' modded NERF blasters… how the hell did it end up here!?
The brown-haired fairy jumped back from me. "A-aaa~h! Grass-chan, help!"
A green-haired fairy leaped from a pile of junk, wearing a Game Grumps T-shirt and one of those pairs of oversized underwear with hearts on it. She was wielding an empty can of Pringles. "Hey! Stay away from Soil-chan!"
I raise a brow. "What the fuck are you wearing?"
"That man said they were… um… 'info-mom-tits'...uh…" She pointed at Rinnosuke, who I only just realized freakin' existed.
I flinch a bit. "Where'd you come from!?"
"I've been here the whole time." he deadpanned. He was at his desk, as usual, but I didn't bother to look at it earlier 'cause I assumed he was gone already.
He adjusted his glasses. "...And it's 'informative apparel.' The theory I've come up with is that humans on the outside wear these articles of clothing in order to communicate important information to their fellow man. Am I right in believing so?" Rinnosuke questions me.
Uhh… "Kinda. It's more-so just to represent your devotion towards something or that you're a fan of something; if we're going for informative, we have uniforms with implied meanings for that."
He takes out a notepad. "Such as…?"
Freakin', I'm not an encyclopedia! "Police uniforms! Those traffic guard people who let you cross the street! Firemen!" I throw out random examples.
"...I don't really follow." Rinnosuke looks up to me, not writing anything.
"Ask Yukari to buy you a book." I suggest.
"...But you are from the outside, are you not?" I confused this man!
"Son, I didn't come here to play twenty questions with some chucklefuck! I came to steal your shit, but apparently you're even more batshit insane than I am and actually stayed to man the store in the vine apocalypse!"
…
"...That doesn't answer my question." Motherfucker didn't even bat an eye…
I throw my hands up. "That's it, I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you. You can talk to George Jetson." I take the fluffle out of my sack and set it on his desk.
It starts biting at the air, and while I want to hug it, I refrain.
"...Alright, so… I take it you're familiar with 'informative apparel'?" Rinnosuke asks mister Jetson.
"look fam i got you" The fluffle reached into… uh… nothing, apparently, and pulled out a little Metallica T-shirt, and slipped it on. "im crushing your mind and smashing your dreams" it muttered.
Rinnosuke nodded. "I'll take that as a yes?"
While mister man was having fun with his fluffy companion, I browsed the shelves for wares…
I then heard the firing of the NERF dart blaster, and felt a dart bounce off the back of my head.
"Take that, meanie!" Soil-chan was laying it thick on me, yo.
Oo~h, you know what this means, yo…
I pull out my NERF Maverick blaster for the first time in literally twenty fucking chapters, cock the blaster, and actually fire a dart.
Paf! The dart flew towards Soil-chan.
"Kyaa~h!" Once the dart hit her arm, she sprawled over dramatically on the floor.
Grass-chan paled. "N-no… No!"
She aimed her hand in the air, and a magic circle formed where it was.
Fwooo…
Promptly, one formed around me, a stuffy, earthy green aura filling the air around me, and I was thrown slightly off balance. I was also drowsy…
Bitch just cast Gaia Seed on me!
Lethargically, I reached into my sack and equip Quake Bloomer. Then, I tap it against the floor.
Fwooo…
A similar magic circle formed around Grass-chan, but she didn't seem to be affected negatively at all.
"...Thanks, mister!" She beamed, appearing to have liked it. "What you did to Soil-chan wasn't very nice, though!"
Soil-chan stood up, and dusted herself off. "...G-grass-chan, I'm fine… We were only playing…"
...In the background, Rinnosuke was still talking with that fluffle.
"...I fail to see how any of this helps." He looked at a complete loss, now wearing an oversized pair of sunglasses and a bowler hat.
"oh baby, a triple!" exclaimed the fluffy friend. It held up a tiny ball-peen hammer, and started hitting some of the books Rinnosuke left on his counter with it.
...I nod slowly, retrieving my fired NERF dart. "...Well, you two just keep doing you for as long as this shop still stands, which is probably like thirty minutes."
Seriously, I could hear the vines outside.
Grass-chan nods energetically, smiling. "Can do!"
I look around at the shelves for any crap I could pickpocket while Rinnosuke was engaging in fluffy shenanigans…
Oh, shit, I almost forgot about that one!
I jumped to grab a fuel canister off the shelves, the warning labels on it clearly marking how it's explosive and a fire hazard and all that jazz. I'm pretty sure this is an upgrade to Flame Dispenser…
I walk up to the counter. "Hey, Rinnosuke, if I kick the vine's asses with this upgrade, can I keep it?" ...I mean, chances are I'd burn down the shop and probably only kill some of the vines, but I think it's a fair trade-off!
He sighed, and nodded. "Very well. I was counting on the incident to be over shortly, or for someone else to come save me, but I suppose you'll have to do."
...Way to take a blow at my ego, mister man! Now I'll feel negative remorse about your shop being caught in the crossfire! How's them apples?
…
I'm a bad person.
In any case, I take the fuel canister and plunk the business end of it onto the side of the plant hanger. It's so easy, a caveman could do it!
"It shall be named Flame Salvo, and it will be mine." I declare. I dunno where I even heard 'salvo' from; I think it was a Kingdom Hearts thing or something… and in any case, it was better than calling it 'flamethrower' or something equally as uninspired.
I proceed to march outside, and am greeted with some elbow room. The vines are mostly around the sides of the shop, but like thirty feet ahead, the path was blocked, too.
"...Alright, time to see what this baby can do…"
I aim it outward, and give it a little gas; just to see if the flamethrower capacity of the thing had upgraded…
Fwoom!
It has!... Not by enough to be useful in this scenario, but it was at least double the length it was! Now it shot out like six or nine feet instead of five or below…
...I don't consider being within twenty feet of the vines very wise, though.
"Hmm…" I wonder if this thing can do fire magic; I mean, aside from what I can already do, which I don't think helps…
Charging the hanger with magic, I slam it against the floor.
…
Well, I guess that answers-
Bam! Fwoom!
I looked ahead to the vines, and saw the ground cracked slightly, and a lick of flames emerged from the Earth.
...The vines were mostly indifferent to it, though, and they didn't even catch fire. Weak!
"...It's better than nothing, I guess." I tell myself, nodding slowly. Freakin'...
At this rate, I might aswell just hurl fireballs at the assholes. I lift my hand, and begin focusing. After a few moments, the fireball is ready.
"Eat shit!" I throw it at the vines ahead.
Woosh… Fwoom!
The section of vines I hit went up in flames. Due to their tangled nature, the fire spread a bit… but quickly ceased spreading ground as the vines systematically worked to isolate themselves from the burning mass. The smell of cut grass pungently invaded the air, and I stepped back a bit.
"...This sucks." Stupid, freakin'... vines!
...Actually, I had an idea.
I ran back inside, and looked at the counter.
George Jetson was apparently bargaining with Rinnosuke. "ill only accept payment in walnuts, friend"
He scratched his head. "...I just told you, I don't want twenty-five of these so called 'Metallica T-shirts'..."
The fluffle was gesturing to a pile of Metallica T-shirts, which the fairies were going through as they spoke.
I walked up and took like twelve or something. "Sorry, friends, need these to fuel my pyromania!"
With that, I ran out, most of the others just watching me leave, and the fluffle opening and closing its shell nose, speechless.
Hmmm… now, how am I going to distribute these to all our raving fans, yo?
I think of all my hangers, and when I think about it, there's really no good way of getting these T-shirts out- hold on…
I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and aim the business end of its barrel at a shirt.
Pew!
The bullet flies through the shirt, searing a hole in it. Shieut!
…
I run back inside. "Anyone got a harpoon gun or something?"
Rinnosuke was shaking the fluffle's fin. "You drive a hard bargain, but I think it's worth it…"
"hazelnuts" The fluffle was ecstatic that it made a sale, a pile of walnuts now resting aside it.
I look to the fairies. "Hey, friends. Mind dropping flaming objects from the sky on my foes?"
Soil-chan looks apprehensive. "...That sounds mean."
"They're the vines that have been freakin' invading the world." I add.
"...It's still mean!" Bloody…
"...Look, you get to take that fluffle's walnuts if we succeed." Hey, Rinnosuke gave them to the fluffle, and since the fluffle is technically mine, that means his walnuts are technically mine!
…Soil-chan nodded. "Alright, I'll do it. Grass-chan, do you want to help?"
She tilted her head back and forth. "I dunno… Me and the vines are friends…" You fucking people…
"Don't question it, friends! Rewards and shit! C'mon!" I gesture to the door.
We walked out the front door, and as we did so, Grass-chan tripped and accidentally pushed Soil-chan. Soil-chan then promptly did a dramatic forward somersault into my legs, and I tripped and used Flame Salvo to block my fall, which then sent out a burst of flames on impact, and the floor to the shop caught on fire.
"U-uh…" Rinnosuke eyed it cautiously.
I fumbled for my sack. "I got this! I got it!" I pulled out Deep Blue, and cranked up the water flow.
Splash!
…
Soil-chan parted her wet hair. "...I-I don't know about this…"
Freakin'... "Hey, Rinnosuke? You got a back room we could use for a tactics meeting or somethin'?" …'cause we're gonna need it!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
Soil, Grass, Rinnosuke, and George Jetson all sat around a bland coffee table as I stood in front of a chalkboard. Rinnosuke really has alotta crap in here…
"Aight, here's the score…" I begin. "Rule number one: It's my way, or he's a dead motherfucker way. There ain't no more rules, take yer pick." I always wanted to say that…!
Rinnosuke blinked. "I'm not sure if I tolerate such language in my-"
"Son, if this meeting goes south, the only one dying here is you, and maybe me. And probably George Jetson over there…" I look over at it...
The fluffle is staring into space with its mouth open, emitting a fluffy scent. It smells cuddly.
…
"...Right." Rinnosuke sighed, reluctantly letting me continue.
"Alright guys, so seriously, we need to go full pyromania and just burn every bit of foliage in like, a fifty mile square radius around us." I explain. "The vines are freakin' everywhere, so anywhere you see a vine, drop a burning shirt."
Grass-chan tilted her head. "...But, won't it burn up before we get far?"
...Dayum, I hate it when fairies are right… "...Ga~h…"
Rinnosuke brought a hand to his chin. "...How about you just throw the flaming hanger at the vines? If it ignites them and forces them to clear the area, then we'd be making progress."
...Hey, that's actually not a bad idea. I don't think, anyway. "...Yeah, actually, let's do that. You guys can carry around torches or something, we'll just use the T-shirts as kindling."
As a foreword, I have nothing against Metallica! It's just that surplus cloth is one of numerous things to consider burning!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
We marched outside, the two fairies and Rinnosuke forming a triangle around me, defensively wielding sticks with burning Metallica T-shirts at the ends of them.
"Let's fuck some shit up!" I yelled, before chucking Flame Salvo into a cluster of vines that was quickly making a tree their plaything.
Fwoom!
The tree ignited, and so did the vines. We stood back as it quickly devolved into an inferno, and Flame Salvo sat on charred dirt before the flames. I marched up and grabbed it, quickly running back due to the immense heat of the fire before it.
"Jesus, fuck!" I had a way with words!
"...This is going to take a while." Rinnosuke observed.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
We were on our tenth vine cluster or so, and it was like noon. I was about to freakin' drop dead; I needed sleep!
"Alright guys, do you think we should call it a day?" I asked them. We burned through like all the Metallica T-shirts, and only barely managed to get the vines away from the shop after so long. It was fun, though; we got to see stuff burn.
"...I suppose." Rinnosuke nodded, looking neutral about the situation. "My shop's not in immediate danger anymore, so it seems you kept your end of the bargain after all."
Grass and Soil promptly dropped to the floor, letting their burning sticks fall with them. Shit, I didn't know they were that tired. Oh, well…
George Jetson walked up to me. "im snuggly"
I lifted him up and stuffed him into the sack. "No."
...I walked into Rinnosuke's shop, pocketed my things, and passed out on the floor next to the counter. I think I'm starting to like wood floors…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
I'm sitting in a circle of fluffles right now, and I seem to be their size! I look down at my hands, and realize they're fins!
"dude im fluffy" I announce, examining my fins.
I look around to find that I'm in a meadow full of butterflies. One flies past me, and on closer inspection…
"...hi alice" I wave a fin.
The blue butterfly has Alice's head, interestingly. "...This is new. First those unresponsive fluffles, and now you…"
I walk towards her. "butterflies are good to eat"
She flies away erratically. "W-what? G-get back!"
I run after the Alice-fly, before suddenly falling into a pitfall.
"oof"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
"Oof!" I exclaim. "Ooochies, that sma~rts!" I hug my stomach!
Rinnosuke leans over the counter. "Good evening. Mind leaving my store, now?"
...I look at my torso to realize I had Metallica T-shirts draped over me like a blanket. What the fuck…
I flung the shirts off me, and looked over to find Soil and Grass sleeping on a huge pile of Metallica T-shirts.
"...Where the fuck do these Metallica shirts keep coming from!?" I yell.
Rinnosuke shakes his head, but doesn't respond.
...It was also night again.
"So, uh… have the vines made any more progress?" I ask.
"Vines?" he questions. "What vines?"
...Uhh… "...What do you mean 'what vines'? Son, it was literally like, today. You're shot."
"...Oh, you mean that incident. I almost forgot." He goes back to the book he was reading.
I shake my head. "How the frik didja almost forget? I don't think I was in a coma the whole time!"
He shrugged. "I just haven't been worried about it, that's all."
Hmm. I guess I'll check on the vine's progress, then…
I open the door, and vines.
…
I close the door.
"...Well, we're screwed!" I reply, smiling.
Rinnosuke looks up at me. "How so?"
I point at the door. "Y'know those vines?"
"We were just talking about them, yes." He looked slightly annoyed!
"Well they're right the fuck there!" I yell, expression flaring.
…
He looks back into his book. "Troublesome, to be sure." Freakin'...
…
"That's it, yo, I'm all Metallica'd out, I need to freakin' get outta here…" I started looking around the shop, and when my eyes reached the windows, I noticed the vines pretty much in the windows.
"You could try the roof." Rinnosuke idly added.
Huh. "Do you really have roof access from inside?" I'd have thought no since most Gensokyo denizens can fly…
"No."
"You suck." I snort.
Looking around, I see a surfboard, and I get an idea…
"Gnarly, brother!" I stick my hand up and extend my pointer and pinky fingers. I then walk up to the surfboard and grab it.
Rinnosuke looked up. "...You'll have to pay for-"
"Son, you're about to be fertilizer in literally ten minutes, fock you!" I reply, walking into the depths of the shop.
...I walk back out. "Does this place have an attic?"
...He sighs. "Here, let me show you…"
Rinnosuke stands up, and walks me to the ladder that leads me to the attic.
"I'll just put that board on your tab." he tells me.
I nod. "Alright, yo. If you're somehow still alive after this, I'll pay it."
"Thanks."
I climb into the stuffy-ass attic. Seriously, why are attics like, a million degrees all the time!? Eaagh! The place is full of crap, too!
I turn to my left, and see some blue-haired fairy sleeping in the rafters. It's not Namori, though; just one of those water fairies...
...I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and toss it towards the ceiling at an angle.
Blam!
A hole is blown in the roof, revealing that the vines are not on the roof yet.
Blam!
The hanger hits the floor and makes a scorch mark. Tons of boxes and shit are blown aside, making a huge racket.
Crash!
"What the hell is going on up there!?" Rinnosuke yells from below.
"Honey, don't come in, I'm not decent!" I yell back down.
I look at the surfboard. If I rode this thing on its own on the vines, I'm pretty sure I'd get my ass kicked and slash or killed. I once again am faced with the issue of propulsion, but…
I open the attic door and poke my head down through it. "Hey, do you have any duct tape?"
Rinnosuke walks into and shakes his head. "No… I do not have any Duck Tape. More importantly-"
I cut in, "I mean the grey rolls of sticky stuff."
He nods. "Oh, right, the adhesive easy repair cloth."
"...It's called duct tape, son." I inform him.
"...That sort of name sounds too ridiculous for me to take seriously." Duhuhu~de…
"Alright, just bring me some of that! The good shit!" No time to explain things to him!
He walks out of the room, and comes back in with a roll. "Lucky for you that I had received it in excess for my shipments."
The roll was almost empty; the bastard'd given me a useless, nearly fully expended one. It'll do, I think!
"My supplier told me to make a boat out of it, but I fail to see how it could properly function as a boat." Rinnosuke added, tossing me the roll.
Catching it, I stare at him a moment, neutrally. "...You should try it, sometime."
With that, I raise myself back into the attic and close the door. I look at the surfboard again…
"...Brain bla~st!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
"Jesus fuck."
I was staring at a surfboard with both Flame Salvo and the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber duct taped to the bottoms. I accented the tape with some staples from a stapler I found, more tape, the rest of the tape, and then I took some frilly bows from that dress of the fairy sleeping in the rafters and tied them all around it. I also used some rope…
...so uh, everything except the backs of the hangers were obscured. Probably a good thing, really…
"I am a dead man." I grin at the board.
I look out the hole in the roof, watching the writhing, twitching mass of vines.
I look at the sleeping water fairy, and I blow her a kiss. "Bon voyage, mon amie. I knew you for all of literally thirty minutes."
I walked up to the fairy, and ripped off her shoes.
...What? I needed some way to stay on the freakin' surfboard!
Sadly, they were super small, so I took my hands…
Ri~p!
...Not what I intended to do, but okay.
Ri~p!
...Maybe Rinnosuke had some glue.
I leaned down from the attic door again.
"Hey, Rinnosuke!" I called out.
I heard a deep sigh, and he walked into the room again. "What is it now…?"
"I need freakin' glue! Sticky shit! Gorilla jizz!" I snapped my fingers. "Help!"
"... Why don't you just sit in a corner and masturbate, then?" Touche…
"...I mean the utility, jackass!"
He shakes his head. "That's a unique way to describe semen."
Auuugh! "Look, do you have anything orange and white with a little orange cap and-"
Rinnosuke pulls out a bottle of Fanta.
"Holy shit, no- dude, it has like, a picture of a cow bull thing and it's smiling-"
He puts a picture of a bull on the bottle of Fanta.
"Son…" I glare at him.
Rinnosuke laughs. "Alright, alright, I get it. Hold on…"
I wait patiently for a few moments, and he returns with a little trial-sized bottle of glue.
"This'll work." I nod. "Thanks, yo. If you survive the great vine storm, you'll be rewarded with a feast fit for a fluffle."
He shakes his head. "That sounds unpleasant."
I walk back up to the board, and the fairy was apparently awake, looking rather pissed at the fragments of her shoes on the board.
...She then glares at me! "What did you do!? Those were my best pair!"
I wonder if this'll work… "Relax, yo. You have pretty feet."
…
"...P-pervert!" She started shooting bubbles at me! I sidestepped swiftly, but between the crap and the fact the attic was kinda tiny, I still got hit! Now I was wet!
"Hey-hey, watch the consumer goods, missy!" I look down at my wet robes. "You fairy fuck!"
She puts her hands to her ears, and sticks out her tongue. Cheeky little…
I run up to her and grab her by the shoulders while she was taunting. "That's it, girl. You're getting the vine treatment."
I march out through the hole on the roof, and stare into the vine-y abyss.
"W-what? No!" She started squirming lightly against my grasp, but couldn't do anything, seemingly.
I grin, and then I toss her. Ha! Serves you right!
…
She floats in the air, and flies away, never going down as I had intended.
…
I forgot they could do that.
"Haha! You suck, mister!"
I fold my arms. "Well, your shoes are mine now, girlie!"
"I'll just sit out here and wait for you to leave, and then I'll take them!" The fairy smirks triumphantly.
...Not the best plan, I'd say, but you can't fault her for thinking critically! "You do that!" I shout back.
I moved towards the board, and began gluing the shoes together. It took a bit, but after awhile I had what I could only describe as cobble-leather straplets.
I grinned. "It's ready."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====
END OF CHAPTER 20
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Marks the wielder for death, dropping instant death resistance to zero and forces them to take 25% increased damage from all sources, but Flandre wasn't aware of the negatives when she created it. Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
chapter freakin' twenty. we've come a long way, folks; and the end, to be honest, is nowhere in sight 'cause i got no freakin' idea what direction i'm takin' this story in
that's a healthy way to go about writing, isn't it? hehehyo~nk!
also yes, there are references to the band Sabaton and to the game Epic Battle Fantasy 4/series, amongst other things and obscurities that i probably don't remember myself very well by this point
i'd also like to say that i appreciate every reviewer- yes, even that one guy who made a bunch of alt accounts just to harass me; feedback is important to a content creator. that, and it feeds my ego!
so yeah thanks guys . w .
anyhow, fluffy freakin' days
as always, see you all next time!
