(in which we go vine surfing. awww, yeah~...)

I grinned. "It's ready."

"You already said tha~t!" shouted the water fairy from outside.

I whirled around to look at her, and she flew out of view. "I know tha~t! I was just repeating it for the readers- I mean, the avid reader downstairs...!" Must… not… break… the fourth wall!

Yukari's hand extended from a gap, handing me a note.

I looked down at it.

"Too late, asshole.

~ Y.Y."

And then I sidestepped a bowling ball, which fell straight through the floor and audibly embedded itself in the floor of Rinnosuke's shop. A loud sigh emerged from the hole.

That's not going on my tab.

In any case, I grabbed the board, and ran to the hole in the roof. Clambering out, I slipped off my sneakers and stuffed them into the sack, and slipped my feet into the incredibly awkwardly designed shoe-loafer-straplet-things.

The water fairy took notice. "Hey! Don't put your stinky feet in my shoes!"

I rolled my eyes. "They're freakin' destroyed, kiddo! Buy a new pair!"

"I hate you!" she shouted in response.

"Join the club!" I freakin' swindled Yuuka's line. That's how I roll, yo…

My feetsies now properly attached to the board, I try standing on it. I slowly slide down the roof, Flame Salvo igniting a bit of the top of the Kourindou…

"Hey, Rinnosuke! Get a bucket! The roof is on fire!" I shout behind me. I had to give the man some warning, afterall…

I don't find out whether he heard me or not, however, when I'm forced to jerk the board forward when it begins falling from the roof. The bottom hits the tip of a vine…

...and my adventure begins!

Blam!

Holy shi~t!

I flew into the air, and I tried to apply the air-strafing mechanics I learned in Team Fortress 2 to my surfboard. It… doesn't really seem to be working. Sad face.

I begin falling toward a mass of vines, so I angle my board downward to meet one of them.

Blam!

A burst of violence and flames sends me sky high once more, soaring over the tops of some more minor trees. I see the Hakurei Shrine in the distance, and make that my first priority to reach…

Blam!

This is far faster than walking, by the way!

That stupid water fairy catches up to me. "...What are you doing!?" she shouts to me.

I glare at her. "What's it look like I'm-"

I begin falling, and I angle the board to connect with a vine…

Blam!

I fly back up to her level.

"...doing?" I finished awkwardly.

"Being stupid!" the water fairy snapped at me.

I was about to retort when I fell down again.

Blam!

...and then I went back up!

"I'm gonna hurt you!" Fairy girl, please, no.

She flew towards me in an attempt to ram me for whatever reason, but I angled the board towards her-

Blam!

Pi~chun!

Well, shit. Guess I'm heading to the lake now!

I saw the shrine whirl past me to my right. I was flying at freakin' stupid speed horizontally, and then I lowered near the vines, oh shit they're coming up fast and and-

Blam! Blam!

I was forced to angle the board in a way that completely offset my momentum, and actually made me go back towards the shrine. Bloody hell…

I aimed myself for the roof…

Blam!

The roof of the shrine went up in a blaze at the impact. Oops.

...Reimu was gonna need a new shrine after that one, unless Suika could put out fires with alcohol. Eheh…

In any case, I was making good progress towards the lake!

Blam!

...It's a nice night to be rocket jumping…

Blam!

I hear friends ahead…!

"...This is horrible!" I hear Daiyousei wail. "E-everything's going to get ruined!"

"What are you complaining about? They're fun to freeze!" Cirno exclaimed. "If I focus on one area enough, I can make an ice playground!"

Daiyousei looks up at her friend as if she had a moment of realization. "...That's it! You can freeze it all, Cirno-chan! Save our friends!"

It was at that moment that I soared into Cirno, the back of my board colliding with her skull.

Blam!

Pi~chun!

...I actually felt kinda bad about that one, but I guess it was their fault for flyin' so low!

Daiyousei was thrown back and forced to spin in place, flames licking her clothes, a horrified expression locked on her face.

...Also, holy shit I was going to be sick at this rate…

The collision with Cirno left my board spinning through the air like a bad Gmod prop…

Woo~ah, woo~ah, woo~ah…! The sky was going cra~zy!

Blam! I hit a regular tree at an awkward angle and stabilized, and-

Splash!

Boom!

Well, I was surfing for realsies for half a second, and then an explosion made me… not surfing. Help, no.

Flying across the lake, I noticed that the vines were even beginning to spread in the water. That was freakin' bad!

To prevent this atrocity, I aimed my board at a vine as I descended…

Blam!

An~d I was twirling through the air again, about ready to hurl. At least I wasn't doing flips, but shit, man…

Bam! Pow! Bam!

You know how you can throw a rock in a lake and it can kind bounce a little before finally falling in? Yeah, I was doing that right now. Except on a surfboard. While doing a fucking million-degree rotational spin. Oh yeah, and I was bouncing off a mass of writhing vines, too, not water.

Blam!

With one final blast, I soared over the manor gates…!

I neared the library, which seemed to once again have some sort of ward up- this time just near ground level. Vines were growing up the magical barrier a bit, so…

Blam!

I bounced off the barrier, by pure luck. If the front of my board hit it, I would have been fucked beyond belief!

Blam! I bounced in place on a vine…

Blam! I bounce towards one of the vines growing up the barrier…

Blam! Bam! Blam!

Shit, I did it wrong. Now I'm flying towards the sea of vines again!

Blam! I bounced towards the vines again…

Blam Bam! Blam!

Success!

I soared over the magical barrier, and collided with the roof.

Blam!

I blew a hole in it, and after flying upward in place, I fell in!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: A STORY FOR GLORY ====

Patchouli rubbed her face tiredly. "...Well, we should have a week or so at this rate before the vines break in here. That should be more than enough time to conjure something to remedy this…"

Meiling grimaced. "...These recent incidents have really not liked the mansion, have they?"

Sakuya nodded. "You can say that again…"

Like that, they all sat sorta glumly around one of Patchouli's study tables…

...which is when I landed on a nearby comforter chair!

Blam!

Everyone jumped at the sudden noise.

"M-mukyuu~!

"Oh, shit!"

"H-huh!?"

I flew up!

...and back down in place. That comforter chair was gonna get beat the fuck up!

Blam!

"Mukyuu~!"

"What the hell…"

"...Christ…"

Screw this chair in particular!

Blam!

"M-m…" Patchouli finally contained herself.

Meiling looked towards me, only for her jaw to drop.

Sakuya looked towards me, only to shake her head at what she saw.

...Oh, yeah, I don't have any reliable way of getting off this crazy thing.

Blam!

The chair was nothing but rubble and some flaming bits, holy shit.

"Mukyuu~!" Patchouli, please!

Meiling walked towards the point of impact. "...Well, I'll be damned."

Sakuya stood cautiously behind her as she followed her. "...I don't know how, but…"

Blam!

I was just hitting the floor now. Help.

Patchouli let out a muffled sound from between her hands as she held them over her mouth.

"...He did it again." Sakuya finished her sentence.

Blam!

"Hey, uh… Friends?" I begin, at the apex of my ascension…

"Yeah?" Meiling looks up at me.

I'm gonna let myself hit the floor before I finish my-

Blam!

There we go…

"A little help getting off!?" I shout, mostly to Meiling. I assume Meiling can help me…!

Blam!

She promptly jumps up as I rise, and grabs the front of the board. Like that, she falls to the floor, landing powerfully on her feet, the impact creating cracks in the floor. She gently sets me down…

...but drops me a little abruptly right at the end.

Bam!

I was launched forward a little, and landed in Meiling's arms. This could have been a good ecchi moment, if the board didn't totally make this an awkward ass position to simply exist in. I woulda loved to try to 'accidentally' fall face first into her bust…!

Meiling doesn't know that, at least. Not like she could with this big ass surfboard in the way!

I roll off her shoulder and onto the floor, and she grabs the board and properly removes me from the sandal-whatever-the-hells. She then puts it down upside-down so that the board wasn't prone to exploding any more. The concoction of things I used to hold the hangers on were now a mess of molten carbon…

I stand up, now barefoot, and dust myself off. "...Well, that went better than I had anticipated."

Meiling narrowed her eyes. "...That was better than anticipated?"

I grin and scratch the back of my head. "Look, yo, I coulda been freakin' gibbed or worse out there. But I wasn't! So enngh!"

Meiling gestured to the board. "How the hell did you even do that? Even Flan-chan's not as creatively destructive on her off days…"

An echoing "I heard that!" came from Flandre elsewhere in the library.

I shrug. "I dunno yo. It was a story… for glory!"

Yeaaa~h! Sub-section title drop! That's a wrap, folks! We're done here! Call me barefoot robe wizard man! I clap my hands together and dance in place…! Spittin' supa hot fia', yo!

Sakuya rose a brow. "...I guess this means you didn't find the weed spray, then."

...Rinnosuke probably had some. I just didn't ask.

I didn't care, either! "Sakuya, I feel accomplished. So accomplished infact that when this chapter is over, I now have another stupid subtitle to add to my title thing!"

She closed her eyes. "Please, don't."

I danced to the right to avoid another bowling ball from above. Yeah, fuck you, Yukari!

Promptly, a gap opened while I was dancing, and a hand came out and grabbed my ankle. I was then tripped, and I fell to the floor.

"...Now that was just uncalled for!" I declare, sticking a finger up from the floor.

...On the upside, I can stop calling everything A STORY FOR GLORY even though I barely had things that I could consider glorious or story-ous…

I stand up from the floor again. "Alright guys, what's the scoop? How long until the world fucking ends and we all die a horrible, tentacle-rape induced death?"

Sweet silence. Was it something I said?

"...About a week, or so." Patchouli grimly replies.

That sucks!

I move towards the front door of the library, wherever it was. "I'm gonna go observe the scene, yo."

"Don't bother. There's wards around the library for a reason, and you won't see much except for vines." Patchouli tries to deter me, if only to keep me from fucking with the wards, probably.

I wave her off. "Look, how bad could it possibly be? I saw them vines out there, and they were lean, mean, and green. But not very lean, and you could debate that they were earth green instead of green. They were definitely mean, though." I had no idea where I was going with that paragraph.

"...You're an idiot." Patchouli states simply.

I turn to her and grin. "Takes one to know one, yo."

With that, I continue to the front door!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I stand at the door. Meiling was cautiously behind me, and Sakuya was there too. I bet Patchouli was floating somewhere in the background, too.

"Look, guys, I'm not gonna break this ward of yours. I like living too! See?" I wave my arms a little.

No one responds!

"...Tough crowd tonight, huh? Geesh…" I walk up to the door, and open it.

...Through the pale blue tint of the ward, I see lots of browns and yellows. All the vines were dead.

Wh~at!?

I walk up to the ward and put my hands on it. "What the hell!?"

Meiling and Sakuya cautiously step up behind me, and they look like they don't know what to think either.

I start banging on the wards. "Freakin'..."

...Flames began licking past the barrier.

...I stopped banging on the wards. "On second thought, maybe it'd be cool if we just chilled out in here for uh… I dunno, a week? That sounds about right…"

Meiling blinked repeatedly, then ran towards Patchy, who was just like thirty feet away. "Patchouli-sama! Water! All of it, outside, now!"

"W-what?" Patchouli rasped out, not expecting to use her vocal chords so soon.

I slowly edged away from the doorway. Eheheh…

Sakuya took out a handkerchief and wiped her forehead. "...This week so far has, at large, sucked."

Meiling glanced back for that one statement, "Tell me about it-" then back at Patchouli. "Water! Outside! Quick!"

Patchouli looked frazzled. "A-a… I-I can't just break the barrier that fast... I have to properly decast it."

I knew the perfect way to undo that!

I whistle!...

Okay, nevermind, turns out I suck at whistling.

Instead, I just yell like an asshole. "Aaaaaa~hhh!"

Sakuya blinks and just stares at me, dumbfounded. "What the hell was that all about?"

Flandre floats up to the scene! "W-what's going on? I heard yelling…"

I point at the glowing barrier bit exposed by the door. "Flandre, we need you to destroy this shiny barrier before the entire mansion goes up in an inferno!"

"W-what?" Flandre blinked, processing my sentence.

"I need you to 'kyuu' the thing with the glowing and-and…" I trail off, pointing repeatedly at the barrier shimmering through the door.

She shakes her head no. "Patchy told me no breaking that barrier!"

Why must everything be like pulling teeth!? "She wants it down, it's fine! Do it!"

She flinches back. "Don't shout at me…"

Eeeegh… "...Sorry."

… She turns to Patchouli. "...Is it really okay?"

She nods. "Y-yes, yes…"

She turns to the barrier and squints. "...I really don't want to. I don't particularly enjoy being known as destructive, you know…"

Holy shit, destiny is against us today. God is dead.

I throw my hands in the air. "Whelp, I tried. It's not my mansion, anyway…"

Sakuya's turn start! "L-little mistress, no one would think less of you if you just-"

"No, Sakuya. It's a personal thing." Flandre turned her head.

"...As you wish." Sakuya sighed.

Meiling's turn start! "...Flandre, if you don't destroy that barrier, the mansion will burn down, and you will achieve the opposite of whom you want to be, even if inadvertently."

Flandre shook her head. "I know there's vines outside! You guys can't trick me!"

For the love of fuck…

Patchouli flew up to Flandre and grabbed her by the head. "J-just destroy my barrier already! It-it's a test of skills, or something! Please!"

Flandre squinted skeptically at Patchouli. "...I dunno, you sound different than usual…"

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "Alternatively, we could just inflict as much violence as realistically possible!"

Buffing myself, I charge at the barrier!

Ping! "Shieut!"

Meiling gets the idea, and runs up to the barrier. Then, she kicks it.

Ping!

Sakuya sends a barrage of knives at the barrier.

Pi~ng!

Patchouli lethargically flailed her arms. "M-magic missile!"

Ping!

"Magic m-missile!"

Ping!

"Magic miss~ile~!"

Fwoosh…!

Boom!

The barrier ripples against every impact, but nothing seems to be happening.

"Hyaa~h!" Meiling gives the barrier a mighty uppercut.

Pi~ng!

"Your life is mine!" Sakuya shouts decisively as knives zip from parts unknown to meet the barrier.

Pi-pi-pi~ng!

Sakuya, I would like to add that barriers do not have lives to give.

"Magic missile barra~ge!" Patchouli wails.

Bam! Boom! Blam!

Now it was my turn again!

"C'mere, son…" I rush it with the Quake Bloomer.

Ping…

"Yeah, fock you." I proceed to kick it with my sneaker.

Ping…

Flandre steps up. "I might not wanna kyuu it, but…"

She pulls out the hilt of Laevateinn. "I wanna join in, too!"

We all step back a bit as she runs towards it. "Haa~h!

Blam! Kaboo-Bam-Bam-Bo-B-B-Boo~m!

The barrier began cracking as Flandre's stick of explosions went to work on it.

Crr-k-k…

Blam! Boom! Bam! Blam!

Crr~k-k-k….

Blam! Blam! Bam! Boom!

...Sha~tter!

...Replicating the sound of glass breaking is a bitch.

In any case, the barrier was down, and now we were all exposed to the crackle of flames outside, and the immense heat.

"Water! Wa~ter!" Meiling roared, doubling back further.

"Right…" Patchouli rasped out. "Water Sign! Bury in Lake!"

Patchouli held up her hand, letting the spell's power flow. At first it came as a trickle of blue lasers, but then as she floated towards the flames, a tidal wave of orbs gushed forward. As it collided with the flames, the orbs collapsed into water, dowsing the flames.

Like that, the spellcard continued to repeat that process and Patchouli worked her way outside the library's doors, slowly doing away with the inferno outside.

I stared at the glow of the orbs for awhile; blue was a fun color…

...but uh, my thoughts drifted to the name of the spellcard.

"Bury in Lake. An apt and creative name." I announce, nodding as if satisfied.

Patchouli was a bit too busy doing her thing to hear me make fun of her spell. Probably for the better!

Sakuya shrugged. "I actually didn't know she had that one… but I think I agree."

I suppose everyone thought of Princess Undine as Patchouli's go-to water spell, but she actually had three purely water-elemental cards. Hmm.

...the rather bluntly named Bury in Lake being one of them.

Flandre marched in from outside, soaking wet with her mob cap draped over her eyes.

They say Sakuya's skin grew ten times paler that day. "L-little mistress!?"

Sakuya ran up to her and adjusted her mob cap so she could see her eyes.

"..." Flandre looked real tired of our shit. "I'm… g-gonna go warm up…"

Meiling looked concerned. "...L-let me help-"

"No, t-that's okay, Meiling... I'll just g-go light Patchouli's study on fire... or something." Flandre declined Meiling's offer, walking more conservatively than normal, which I presumed was from being chilly.

Sakuya and Meiling both looked quite alarmed. "Flan-chan!" "Little mistress!"

They both followed her, bargaining with her as she slowly walked off in the direction of Patchouli's study.

I looked back to the door, and it looks like Patchouli was doing a good job of putting out all the flames. Fortunate, because I think it'd bore me to death to have to watch the mansion get rebuilt again after some sort of fire related catastrophe. Remilia really ought to use stone to build, like I did when I made crap on Minecraft.

I also cringe at even referencing Minecraft, because the typical association with that game is… eeeaagh!

...But for reals, if Remilia had a castle or something, that'd be harder to blow the fuck up.

Patchouli finishes up her duties and floats back in while I probably spent way too long mentally monologuing to myself again.

"...Some of the halls were lost, and the library's walls were almost compromised, but it's under enough control now…" Patchouli sighed. "...I need a rest after that."

I snapped my fingers. "I should lead the construction teams!" It would be the best thing since... the best things! Instant hype!

"Yeah, whatever." Patchouli floated away, a tired expression on her face. Freakin' brain blasted, yo…

While everyone was off doing their things, I was going to take this opportunity to try and rouse the fairies for reparations! I dunno if they'd listen to me or not, but y'know… no harm in trying.

Y'know, I wonder how that whole vine incident went for whoever solved it…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HOW THAT VINE INCIDENT WENT AGAIN: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Marisa, Mokou, Kaguya, and I all flew towards the place where we previously encountered that smelly plant abomination.

"Let's kick its fucking plant ass!" Mokou roared, Eirin's cure for the vine poison already taking effect.

"It's going to rue the day it interrupted the free time of Kaguya Houraisan!" Kaguya announced, pumping herself up too.

...Do these two ever calm down, or what? I guess they can afford to be so hot-headed, being immortals and all.

I stare a little anxiously at our two 'MVP's as they were, when Marisa floats near me and pats me on the back. "Relax, Reimu. If this goes bad, we can just spam barriers and chug health potions. I brought a few my dad had in stock!"

Last time I chugged health potions, I was in the bathroom for two hours, and my stomach felt like a drill pierced it and left the job half finished. I'd rather not repeat that, if I can.

Marisa reads the look on my face. "...Well, just spam barriers then, I guess."

Then I'd be chugging mana potions, if you brought any. That's pretty much the same thing.

"...These vaccines better not have any adverse side effects, either." I comment. Eirin vaccinated us for the poison the vines produced, and I had a feeling there was some kind of drawback. I don't know what, yet…

"Side effects? From a drug produced by Eirin? I doubt it, ze. Not unless she intended-"

Kaguya cuts in. "Oh, you bet there's side effects. Eirin may be a masterful doctor, but she's also a very curious one. Those vaccines were not strictly vaccines for the vine's poison- chances are, a number of other drugs and chemical compounds are also in the mixture- mostly innocent ones for testing purposes, and only a few she think would create cross-over side effects with other drugs."

I…

Well, shit.

Marisa narrows her eyes. "How do you know, ze…?"

Kaguya rolls her eyes. "I live with her, dumbass."

Pft.

Marisa nods. "Well… crap. If I become a bimbo for a day again, I'm gonna hurt someone."

Oh yeah, that time was quite troublesome. I almost considered it an incident at the time, but it was only happening to Marisa, so it wasn't quite qualified…

W-wait, what if that happens to me!?

Kaguya giggles. "I doubt behavioral effects would take this long to kick in. I think."

Not helping…

Marisa looks at my horrified expression, and giggles. "Heheh… It's not that bad, ze. I bet Alice would be able to bail us out of that one. I mean, she was there for the last one, too."

Not helping! "Look, can we stop speaking of stupid things and actually find this stupid youkai?"

Marisa laughs and points at me a bit, before calming down. "Hahaha! Alright, alright… You're blushing, y'know, Reimu?"

I-I don't care!

Kaguya turns to me and smirks. "Oh, my. Does the Hakurei miko-"

"Not a word out of you, princess. You spend hours a day doing literally nothing but stare at a screen." I deadpan.

"F-fufufu…" Kaguya puts on a brave face and laughs, but I feel like I hit a nerve somewhere.

"Yeah, fuck you, Kaguya." Mokou adds completely unnecessarily.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Lunarian Bunny Corps, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Earth's space program, and I have over three-hundred million confirmed kills. I am trained in super bunny warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Lunarian armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another tar-"

Mokou interrupts her. "Calm your fucking tits, bitch princess! Goddammit!"

Kaguya almost talked so long that I completely tuned her out by this point.

The two brew as we continue searching. Where the hell could the plant youkai even be?

Marisa scratches her cheek idly. "Wouldn't the top sniper be Reisen?"

"I will shit fury and you will drown in it!" Kaguya abruptly yells.

"Calm the fuck down, and stop fucking swearing!" Mokou demands, while cursing like a sailor.

You've got to be… "Look, you two. Take out your inner puberty on the plant youkai when you see it. Maybe it'll even be annoyed enough that it'll stop the incident entirely."

Marisa smirks. "Maybe you can bleed on it…!"

Kaguya bares her own smirk in turn. "Hah! Immortals… do~n't, ha~ve, perio~ds!"

Seriously? Spoiled brats.

Marisa's eyes widen. "W-what!? Seriously!?..." She brings a hand to her chin. "...How do you have children, then?"

Kaguya scoffed. "Who the hell actually wants to have children? Bachelor forever, baby!"

...In retrospect, an immortal baby would probably be the stuff of nightmares. How would it even age? Would it be half immortal?...

Ugh, these are the questions I shouldn't be thinking about when I'm on the hunt for youkai!

"I don't even need condoms!" Kaguya adds.

"You don't even have sex." Mokou elaborates.

Kaguya sticks up a middle finger. "Yeah, well fuck you!"

"Buuaaa~gh!" comments the- What the…!?

Suddenly, we stop flying as the plant monster shoots from the Earth below without any warning. A large red flower sits atop its 'head' like the time we had witnessed it before, two leaf-like appendages taking the place of arms at either side. Flower-tipped vines of various sizes, shapes, and colors rose to the sides of the youkai.

...There was that fucking smell again… "Ugh…"

Mokou reels back. "That's fucking rank."

Kaguya furrows her brows, but nothing more. "...That's actually worse than the times I forgot to take the trash out of my room for a whole month. That's impressive!"

"Kaguya, you're disgusting." Mokou glares at her.

Kaguya flails her arms. "You- you're a forest hobo! You're calling me disgusting!?"

Do these two have an off switch?

"It smells like death…" I comment, bringing my hand to my face to plug my nose.

Marisa sniffs the air. "...Nope. Still only a little."

That's a bit worrying, but I suppose I can get Marisa to get a check up for her sense of smell later.

"Kaguya, don't make me-"

"Will you two be quiet!?" I snap. "Look, if you're frustrated, just go hit that plant youkai! Just stop talking!"

Mokou glances at me irritably, but huffs. "Fine…"

Kaguya rolls her eyes at me. "Excuse me, 'plant youkai'? This is very clearly a rafflesia, a very rare flower from the-"

"It's living and pissed at us, and we're pissed at it. Good enough reason to kill it." I argue.

Kaguya raises a brow. "You humans sure are interesting sometimes…"

She says that as if she's not just as bad if not worse. I don't know what she does in front of that screen all day, but the way I see it, it's not entirely healthy for sentient beings, I'm sure.

Mokou engulfs herself in flames. "Take this!"

"Forgiveness! Honest Man's Death!"

A plethora of blue bullets wash over the flowers aside the flower youkai, cleaving through the flower-tipped vine tentacles. A wave of dark bullets then made their way to the monster…

...to little effect.

"Of all the spells you could have used…" I begin. "...you had to use a non-fire elemental one."

Within moments, the spellcard was over.

...Mokou scratches the back of her head. "Damn. What the hell's this thing made out of?"

"Plant matter. It burns. Please just use fire." Idiot…

Suddenly, Marisa decided to add her two-cents. "Maaaster… spaaaa~rk!"

Vrrrrr!

Like last time, the youkai simply reeled back after taking the brunt of the laser, and repositioned itself to where it was previously.

"...No harm in trying, right?" Marisa confirmed.

"My turn!" Kaguya floated up haughtily, if you could even do such a thing.

"Divine Treasure! Salamander Shield!"

Kaguya summoned an orb of flames around herself. Flaming lasers shot out all around it… but weren't aimed, for whatever reason. I remember them being aimed.

"This spellcard has been optimized for defense!" Kaguya gloats. "I will never be touched, now!"

Well, isn't that just perfect?

"...Marisa, behind me…" I utter, readying to cast more barrier magic.

"Righto, ze." Marisa seems to have known something like this would happen.

"Cautionary Barrier!"

I construct a glowing, blue, rectangular ward from holy magic.

The leaf arms of the plant youkai suddenly stiffen and adjust themselves into a strictly vertical position, from which they are then launched from. One flies towards Kaguya at blinding speed, but is vaporized promptly by her shield of flaming danmaku.

The other leaf-

Pi~ng!

-collided with my barrier, becoming lodged in it. It had embedded itself a worrying depth…

"Those leaves pack a punch, ze…" Marisa comments, blinking at the barrier as it fades and the leaf drops to the ground.

"Divine Spirit! Fantasy Seal!"

Multi-colored orbs of light orbit around me, and I order them to strike the plant before us.

Choo! Choo! Choo- Fwash, Fwash, Fwash, Fwash!

…Doesn't seem to have done much of anything.

"Immortal Fire-Bird! Flying Phoenix!"

Mokou is engulfed in flames as a large, flaming phoenix comprised of danmaku orbs soars towards the youkai.

Squelch!

"Geechk!"

Chlorophyll flies from the beast as it reels back, igniting.

Another phoenix of flame flies towards the youkai…

Squelch!

"Geehh-heck!"

The plant was engulfed in an inferno, quickly burning away faster than it could regenerate.

"Bu~rn!" Mokou screamed.

A barrage of danmaku phoenixes soared outwards. Only the wings of two actually clipped the plant youkai; non-directional spellcards and all…

"Ghuuhuck!"

Splash!

A fountain of chlorophyll jetted into the daytime sky, as jagged vines erupted from below all around us, but none actually raised high enough to harm us. The flames incinerating the youkai quickly spread to the vines below.

...Now we had a forest fire on our hands. Great. At least the powerful youkai was exterminated, but still…

"...Ooo~h, that's uh… bad…" Marisa awkwardly eyed the inferno.

The vines rapidly turned brown in a wave from where the youkai died, only serving to create a path of highly flammable kindling for the blooming inferno.

Mokou blinked at the fire she started. "...U-uh… Sorry?"

Kaguya laughed. "Mokou, look what your peasant-tier skills have wrought! Now you will be a wanted criminal across all Gensokyo! Do not fear, Hakurei miko, for I will be the one to cleave her head from her shoul-"

Thwack!

"Shut up and start putting out the fire!" I yell at the two troublesome immortals.

"R-rude…" Kaguya rubbed her head.

"H-how? It's already spread so far…" Mokou looks a bit awkward over the whole 'accidentally started a fire' thing, as she should be, I suppose.

...I sigh.

"Find some buckets. We're gonna be here awhile." Hell, maybe Kaguya can use one of her impossible what-have-yous as a bucket or something...

Marisa guffaws.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa, Kaguya, Mokou, and I all sat around the charred remains of the Hakurei Shrine. I don't know how or why, but it also was a blazing inferno when we found it. Suika was lying under a pile of collapsed walling when we found her, but she was totally fine, as expected.

"...I don't even know what happened here." I vainly gazed at Suika. "I'm just going to assume you got overwhelmed by mighty fire demons or something, because this place was a disaster. Seriously…"

Suika rubbed the back of her head. "Ahah… Look, Reimu! I woke up… and the place was on fire!"

Pfft. "Right…"

"It's true!" Suika huffs, folding her arms.

"Sure, sure…"

This was definitely Suika's fault.

We all sat around a pile of wooden rubble, the heat of the embers on it actually making an adequate replacement for a kotatsu at the moment. It would be shortly that it cooled down, though, so it'd be problematic again later…

"...At least I didn't do it this time." Mokou smiled casually.

"Doesn't change the fact my shrine burned down." I deadpanned.

"...Right. Sorry."

Damn straight.

Kaguya smirks, critically examining Mokou. "Cat got your-"

Thwack!

"You two can go have angry sex back in Eientei when I finish writing the incident report. For now, be quiet." I instruct them after I whack Kaguya to shut up her annoying instigating.

"W-wha~t!?"

Marisa reels back in laughter. "H-holy crap, ze! This never gets old!"

==== INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====

Incident Summary

Marisa Kirisame had observed rogue sightings of vine growth near her home. After consulting the magus Patchouli Knowledge on how to deal with the affair, additional information from various others contributed towards the investigation of the event.

A team comprised of Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, and Matt _ were sent as the initial investigatory team, and had sighted vines all across Gensokyo in their travels. After engaging with a plant youkai, Reimu eventually gathered reinforcements. The aiding persons were Fujiwara no Mokou, and Kaguya Houraisan.

This incident was resolved successfully by Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, Fujiwara no Mokou, and Kaguya Houraisan. Additional support lended by Patchouli Knowledge, Remilia Scarlet, and Matt _.

==== INCIDENT COMPLETED: THE VILE VINE VILLA OF VILLAINY… AND THE LETTER V ====

With that, Mokou and Kaguya left the charred wreckage to do their own things.

"...Want me to uh… help get a team for the rebuild again?" Marisa proposed.

I nodded. "Yeah. Fairies, preferably; they're easy to bribe."

"Mmm…" Marisa hums as she flies off in search of fairies to fairy-nap.

Today was a mixed bag. I still want to know what possessed me to name the incident something so ridiculous... but I think the more important thing is rebuilding the shrine, right now. If this keeps up, I'm going to need a safe or a glove-box or something to keep some supplies in...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I bang two pans together in the front lobby, hopefully attracting the attention of the idle fairy maids.

...Nobody was really paying attention. Most fairies were milling about, talking, or… actually yeah, that's all they were doing.

...Where the hell did Komi and Koi go earlier? I swear they were around when Flandre and I went to go tangle with the plant woman, bu~t…

I banged the two pans together again. "Friends! Comrades! Amigos!... Fookin' douchebags!" Despite my calls, no one gave a shit.

"Help me do things and you get a free lottery ticket!"

I get a few funny glances, because I think they don't know what the lottery is. Eheh…

I wonder if the kitchen exists yet. To find out, I embark on a mansion-crawling quest!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Apparently, it does!

...Kinda.

I'm currently standing in the half-built kitchen, which is filled with dead vines and rambunctious fairy maids.

To my left, I saw at least five fairy maids ripping open big bags of sugar and pouring it on each other and thrashing around in it.

"Cuddly." I intellectually noted.

As fun as it would be to join in, I had other plans.

I moved to the fridge, and opened it only to find nothing but some water and chicken nuggets in it.

"Fluffnuggets." I remark, closing the fridge.

I then turned to some of the crates near the fridge. Opening one up, I found bags of flour.

...About what I had anticipated, but c'mon, there had to be something good in all these boxes...

I rip another open to find lots of silverware. No sporks, though. Tsk, tsk, tsk…

I rip open another to find some white and red canisters- hold on…

Hold the bloody phone…

Oh. Oh, yes…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I banged two pots again in the lobby once more, this time with a small table setup with glasses of Kool-Aid.

"Help me out, and you'll get free Kool-Aid!" I yell, banging the pots together again.

Clank, clank, clank!

...No one gave a shit, 'cause dey didn't know what Kool-Aid was…!

Alright, that's fine. "You, friend."

I point to a random navy-haired maid. "...Hi?"

I take a glass of Kool-Aid and walk up to her. "I'm friendly."

"...O-okay…" She blinked, looking awkward. Other fairy maids were standing behind her, giggling.

Quickly, I brought the cup of Kool-Aid to her mouth. A bit too quickly, because most of it ended up on her instead.

"W-wha-!?" The maid shrieked in panic as I tried to force the cup in her mouth.

"Calm down and drink the bloody Kool-Aid!" I then wrestled with her to keep the cup in her mouth, trying desperately to hold my arm in place.

Gulp...Gulp!

I ripped it from her mouth, and the glass flew into wherever-the-hell.

Shatter!

"...We~ll?" I made a smug expression as her friends surrounded me and began restraining my arms.

"W-why…" She looked intimidated for a moment, backing away, before pausing. "...O-oh…"

Some fairy maids got in my face. "What the hell'd you do that to Paul-chan for, huh!?" barked a red-haired fairy maid who grappled the front of my collar.

"Stupid human!" A teal-haired maid started pulling on one of my arms.

"Idiot!"

"Leech!"

I looked from the group to see the unfortunately named Paul-chan rush to the Kool-Aid stand.

"Only now… have I truly won!" I dramatically exclaim, struggling my hand from the teal-maid's grasp. "Behold! The Keyblade has been forged!"

Paul-chan's friends looked at her as she held up an entire pitcher of Kool-Aid and began guzzling it.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

...She, uh… she had some lungs, didn't she?

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

...You can breathe now, I'm impressed enough.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

Jesus fuck.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

She's gonna drink the entire thing!

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

"Somebody stop her!" I exclaim, struggling to break from the maids' grasps. It was easy enough; they were as baffled as I was.

Gulp...Gulp…

She smashed the pitcher on the counter.

Cra~sh!

"...Haa~h…"

Uhm…

She turned to me, her pupils contracting slowly, her face slowly forming a smile.

A smile that just kept getting bigger.

"...Hello?" I waved a hand in front of her.

...I didn't think someone could smile that wide. That's creepy.

I grab her shoulders and begin nudging her, and she cooperates. I move her from the Kool-Aid stand to the other end of the lobby, and her friends follow cautiously behind me, looking oddly terrified.

"Alright kid, speak to me. How many fingers am I holding up?" I hold up three fingers.

Paul-chan started shaking.

...

"Hyaaa~AAAA-"

Pi~chun!

Boom!

Paul-chan exploded into a violent blast of gravity, leaving me and the fairies suspended in mid-air for a few moments. The blast widened to encompass the whole room, and we were all left floating. The fairy maids didn't find this problematic, as they just began flying as they normally would.

Me, however?

"...Help!" I shout, flailing my arms as I slowly float towards the ceiling.

Paul-chan's friends just stare at me, and then the red-haired one slowly shakes her head.

"...You guys suck."

I eventually reach the ceiling, and I kick off it to slowly drift towards the Kool-Aid, which too had begun floating.

...Some of it was even floating out of the cups! I opened my mouth to capture some of it…

The front door was kicked open, a tired Meiling and Sakuya dragging their feet as they walked in. Quickly, they too were rendered immobile in the zero gravity zone.

"...Okay, what the hell happened in here?" Sakuya tiredly asked as she drifted towards the chandelier. She stopped herself naturally with her flight abilities, though. Fookin' cheaters.

I swallowed the Kool-Aid, looking pleased. "Fairy fun." I provided.

"...Sure."

Meiling air-swam her way through the room. When she reached the other side, and proceeded through an open door, she fell to the floor.

Thud.

"...This place really let itself go, huh?" she stated. "Good night."

Sakuya sighed. "I don't even know where to start when it comes to fixing this."

Suddenly, a warm light glowed within me. Orbs of light scattered around me, and all met at my chest.

Ting!

I blinked. "...Hey, I leveled up! What level was that, ninety-nine? One? Negative two?..."

I still don't know what the hell those did, but my EXP scaling's fucked. Ten years from now I'll level up again while me and some hot youkai girl are getting busy with it, and it's going to be super awkward. I just know it.

In any case, since no one seems to want to comment further, I think I'll just float about here for a little while and drink my zero gravity Kool-Aid.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Sakuya stood with that adorably unfitting hard hat as she instructed all of us at our tasks.

"While Meiling and I get to the bottom of the lobby's gravity problems, Brad here will lead you all as Construction Management and Production Manager." she explained.

...You see, I ma~y have told Sakuya that I had a B.A. in Architecture and Building Construction. I may have also explained to her what that was, and acted like it was a really prestigious thing, and like I was a sort of de-facto authority on building construction. She didn't believe me at first… for a good, long while, but after at least thirty minutes of bullshitting and being indignant about her disbelief, she reluctantly consented to giving me this position.

It, uh… it went a little something like…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...Mistress will not be pleased by the absolutely mediocre progress I've made on renovations…" Sakuya dismally talked to herself as she floated anxiously in the zero gravity environment of the lobby.

"I could help with that!" I exclaimed as I slowly air-swam towards her.

"No, you couldn't. Screw off." Sakuya dismissed me hastily.

"Wooa~h! Them's fightin' words!" I ceased air-swimming and began rolling my fists as I drifted towards her, but she floated away easily. "Aa~w…"

"...Case in point."

I wonder… "Y'know, I actually am a competent building designer."

"Hah."

"No, for serious." I held up a hand as I rebounded off the wall with my legs as I drifted against it. "I could even, like, draw you some schematics. I'm the real deal."

"Give me a break." Sakuya was still unbelieving.

"Dude, in the outside world I had a Bachelors in Architecture." I grinned at her. "If anyone knows how to make a building stand tall and proud, it's me."

"What even is that?" Sakuya asks, tone vain and tired.

"It's this thing where you spend four years outta your life becoming a professional at something. A degree, like my Bachelors, promises the quality of the person you're hiring. It's like… good." I ran outta words, yo.

"I highly doubt you received any form of formal education." Sakuya deadpanned.

"Yo, the outside world works different than how you might think. Edumacation be compulsory in America, where I come from." I argue.

Sakuya smirks. "You say that, but you talk like a delinquent."

"I never said it was a good education." Amen, me! "...but this is also a stylistic choice."

"Alright, sure." Sakuya didn't really buy that. Freakin'...

"...But still, Bachelors in Building Construction!" I proudly, uh… exist. Putting my arms on my hips while floating around like a maniac wouldn't really get the point across that I wanted to make.

"Wasn't it in Architecture?" Sakuya narrows her eyes at me.

"...I did both!" Oh, if Sakuya was from the modern outside, I'd be so toast right now.

Sakuya seems placated by the quick response, even if I did pause. "...Eight years in construction concepts, basically?"

I nod. "Yes, exactly."

She nods. "...I think... You might be suited for the job. Just don't screw anything up…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

So, yeah. I basically got the right to lead a team of friendly fairy friends to friendily use friendship to befriend the… I can't keep that sentence going and use a variant of 'friend' every two words. You get the picture!

"I trust that this will be done without issue." Sakuya asserted her authority.

"Consider it done." I tried to keep a straight face for as long as possible…!

Sakuya began walking out of the room. As soon as she closed the door, I let a shit-eating grin show on my face.

"...Alright, friends, it's show time!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Two hours later, lots of hard work and effort had paid off.

"Jesus, take the wheel. I'm up shit's creek without a paddle."

I gazed merrily down the demented corridor I had created. What I did was have the fairies construct a technicolor hallway of various shades of wallpaper and rugs. Some sections were neon lime green, others were magenta, and the ceiling was cyan. It was beautiful; you shoulda seen the polka dots I had them begin painting midway through.

...It also wasn't really a corridor. I built, like, this spiraling ramp-way up above everything previously constructed, then I made a hallway over Remilia's room, then stretched the hallways at a gradual incline as far into the air as I could bring it until we ran out of materials outright. By the time we were done, the ramp had extended far over the rightmost wall of the manor.

...By all means, the laws of physics shoulda ruined our day, but y'know… Gensokyo.

I stood at the entrance to the hallway, admiring the stark contrast between the consistent scarlet design prior to my developments, and the abrupt change to 'technicolor shitshow'.

Sakuya walked out from behind the hallway with Meiling.

Meiling yawned. "...That took too long. We shoulda just asked Patchouli-sama from the beginning…"

Sakuya looked at her. "I agree. First time that's ever happened…"

Sakuya then looked down the technicolor portion of the hallway.

"...What the fuck?"

I grin and bow. "It is done, yo. It is done."

She runs up and looks around frantically. "...What the hell is this!?"

"Fun." I put my hands in my robe pock- they don't have conventional pockets. I forgot that was a freakin' modern thing.

Sakuya began dashing down the hallway, and was eventually obscured by that spiralled rampway I made.

"...Wo~w." Meiling examined the colors. "...You really let your, uh… creativity flow, didn't you?"

I nod. "It was creativetivetive."

"Right…" Meiling backed away and continued down the normal hallway.

...Also, if you were wondering what happened to the fairy construction workers…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SETSUNA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Oh, no!

Merry-chan and all my friends were scraping at the walls to the manor, but it's no use!

Left of me, my friend Wasa-chan was organizing a group fairy-ladder…

"Alright, kiddos! All aboard! T-that means all of you!" Wasa-chan shouted, strained due to the mass of fairy companions on her back.

Leaf-chan climbed up the ladder, and leaped onto the wall

Pi~chun!

The spikes at the top killed her!

More fairies climbed up desperately, but…

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

"N-no~!" I wail, witnessing the horror. Chief was gonna be pissed!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

...I kinda used the supply cart to mass-push them off into the abyss of trees off the side of the manor wall. Oops. It, uh… wasn't entirely intentional. Kinda. Not really. Okay, I did it just because I wanted to see what'd happen.

It was fun, but for some reason none of them seem to be back yet, giving me reason to believe that they not only forgot how to fly, but they also got eaten immediately by all the predators to have ever predated.

Sakuya teleported in front of me. "What did you do!?"

Ahah… "I made Rome in a day, friend."

Suddenly, knife danmaku. Ahhhh, ahhhh~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I wake up in a nice, comfortable scarlet bed.

"...I-I still feel it…" I comment to myself. Danmaku fucking stings!

I try to stretch out to let my aching limbs relax, but something to my right blocks my limbs.

Freakin'...

I try to slide my limbs under it, but it's a little too heavy to be doing that. It's also not a wall, apparently. At least, I don't think so. It's not my pillow mechanization, that's for certain.

...Don't ask. I'll probably tell you anyway, though…!

Well, if you can't dig under the mountain, you might as well climb it! I moved my limbs over whatever-the-hell it was, which proved to be vastly uncomfortable. I don't know why I ever think this is a good idea.

Also, it seems I was still in my robes. Not entirely comfortable, but they were more like blankets than clothes, anyway. Still makes me feel a bit stiff, though.

...No, I don't mean a raging morning boner. Hyonk.

"...Maaauu~..."

...Oh, so that's flesh I'm feeling with my arms and leg. A little hard to tell with the robe, to be honest. I suppose the uneven nature shoulda given it away, or something. I reach my hand out to feel something…

"H-hahh…!"

...I guess that's what I get for being hard-coded into doing these kinds of things to my pillow mechanization. I only have myself to blame!

"G-good morning… Brad-kun."

Ha-chan was alive again!

"I still have no freakin' clue how the hell you find me every time." I remark. Stalkers gonna stalk, yo. She's got a sixth sense or somethin'!

"...Very carefully." Ha-chan drowsily replies.

Touche. You have learned well, my disciple…

I look over to her and open my eyes, then realize the room is pitch bloody dark so I can't see anything at all.

"It's dark." I critically observe.

I hear Ha-chan nod as best she can against the pillow. "...Oh, no."

"Very dark." I confirm.

"...Oh, no!" Ha-chan shouts.

"Super dark! Oh, shit!" Engage panic mode!

"Ahhhh~!"

Yelling time! "Aaaahhh~!"

"Aaahhhh~!"

Suddenly, the door slams open, Sakuya looking tired as usual. "Hey, hey hey! No intercourse on the-"

"Aaahhhh~!" Ha-chan continues yelling.

A danmaku knife flies towards Ha-chan, and I move to block it with my hand!

Yeeoohoohooowch!

"...Aaaahh~!" I yell in genuine pain.

"Aaaahhh~!" Ha-chan continues yelling with me.

"Alright, that's it." Sakuya marches up to the bed, and outright flips the mattress over.

"Waaugh!" I shout.

"H-haahh~!" Ha-chan moans, for some reason.

I'd crawl out from under, but I'm kinda tangled in Ha-chan's limbs, the blanket, my robes, and uh… yeah. Everything's gone wrong!

"...Help." I squeaked.

I hear a loud sigh, and Sakuya pulls the mattress from us.

She blinks. "...Oh. You still have your robes on."

I chuckle. "Get your mind outta the gutter, you lewd maid!"

"It would be unfortunate if I had to put you to sleep for another eight hours." She threatens me with danmaku-induced harm.

Part of that was probably because my tanks were runnin' on empty anyway, but y'know, unconscious time is not fun time. Usually. Depends.

I move to break from Ha-chan, only to then realize she's uhm… exposed. Very.

A sight for the eyes, I must say! I need my 3DS camera!

...I'd describe things to you, but this is a family production! Go look up pornographic materials and erotic literatures on your own time, 'cause that's a boundary that I'm leavin' untouched today!

I pull out my 3DS. "Ha-chan, I want you to just lie on the floor like that and-"

Thwack!

"No." Sakuya begins tugging on the back of my shirt.

"What!? Sakuya, please! C'mon, Sakuya baby, don't do this to me!" I plead, flailing my legs to grab hold of something while my hands were occupied activating the 3DS camera.

"You're going to explain the new developments in construction to the mistress." Sakuya explained.

"Yo, no! Just five more minutes, yo ho ho~!"

But it was too late, yo. We were already in the freakin' hallway…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the tea table across from Remilia.

"...You do realize how much of a waste of resources that was, right?" Oh, boy, she was already on the offense.

"...I dunno, yo. It seemed like a good idea at the time." It really did! "Besides, can't you just, uh… nevermind."

"What?" Remilia pressed.

"Nah, I don't think that-"

"What." Remilia glared at me.

Hnngh. "...Alright, here's a bad idea: Ask Yukari for more shit."

"...You're right, that is a bad idea."

"Because it'd be bad to ask her for more crap, I know. That's why I backtracked." Conversation ethics are annoying.

Remilia spent a moment sipping her tea. Times like these make me wish I had a Twix bar.

"...So, what can we do to fix this?" Remilia gazed at me. "This is your fault."

Hmm. "...We could leave it?" This won't work in a million years!

"...Yes, definitely. We'll leave the crappy technicolor mockery out there, staining our halls. No, we can't leave it!" Remilia snapped.

Geez, lady. Calm your five-hundred-year-old loli tits!

Y'know… "What's the actual problem; the architecture, or the aesthetic?"

"Both." Figures.

"Haha- which is the bigger problem?" I stress.

"...Aesthetic." Remilia reluctantly admitted. "...I'll be honest with you; how the hell did you get that ramp to heaven to stay in the air? There's just no reason that should even exist."

I shrug. "You know, I honestly don't know. It's fluffy."

Remilia shakes her head as she raises her teacup to her mouth for more sippage. "Right…" Sip!

"...So, here's your fix; bleach the rugs, put up new wallpaper, and uh…" The thought just occured to me, but… "...If you seriously only had resources to build that one corridor that I made, then talking to Yukari again is pretty much like, inevitable."

Remilia sighed. "...Bah."

...Some say silence is golden. I say silence is fluffy.

"...Right, you can go. It's whatever; we can work around it, I'm sure. Not like you'd be any help actually executing any plans, anyway."

Woo! Kinda a jab at me, but still, nothing too terrible happened!

I walk outside the makeshift official-Remilia-room considering she had no throne room at the moment.

Sakuya was waiting for me outside. "...Bachelors in Architecture, huh?"

...Right.

I stick my arms up. "...Alright, I lied. I did receive some sucky free schooling, though! No degrees at the moment, however…" That will change in the future, minus the whole 'trapped in Gensakey' thing.

"...At least I know how trust worthy of a person you are, now." Sakuya, cease the salty behavior!

"Hey, it was too good to pass up. Besides, the aesthetic is an easy fix compared to other things you guys've had to do in the past. If the architecture's really that bad, I doubt you guys couldn't tear it down quickly." I argue.

"It's still a waste of important-"

Cough, "Gapped." Cough.

"-resources…" Sakuya finished, glaring at me.

More awkward conversational silence! Can't live life without a few… hundred.

"...I'm still not going to trust you after this." Sakuya insists.

I blink. "You trusted me to begin with?"

Sakuya furrowed her brows in annoyance. "You sounded actually serious for a moment there. I suppose you're a better liar than I thought… which isn't a good thing."

I shrug. "You'd be surprised, yo. You'd be surprised."

"I was surprised." Sakuya replied. "And disappointed." I think you're thinking of angry, but…

"Were you surprised, though?" I wonder.

"...Yes, yes I was." Sakuya begins to look curious.

"So you were surprised?"

She sighs. "...Just shut up."

With that, she teleports away. Y'know what they say, you can't live life without pissing off everyone imaginable!

...Okay, that's not how it goes, but uh…

...Well, now what? I've reasonably upset everyone with fluffy antics and I literally have nothing else to do. I wonder if Ha-chan's still lying deliciously on the floor of that one room…

I backtrack to the room and open it. It's empty, and the bed's all properly made now. Dammit.

Down the hallway, I saw the three fairy chucklefucks coming down the hallway.

"...So that was how I fit a whole rolling pin up my-"

Komi cut in, cutting off Koi's fun story. "We were there! You don't need to keep telling us this story!"

Namori glances nervously downwards. "...H-how did you say it felt, again…?"

I walk up to them. "I assume painful, because rolling pins might aswell be abstract geometry as far as arses are arsed."

Koi walks up to me. "Hehey, Brad, there you are! Ha-chan's looking for you!"

Is she now? "Where is she, yo?"

"Hell." Komi adds helpfully.

Koi let a naughty grin form on her face. "She's in the lobby, hot and horny and waiting for some-"

"Okay, thanks!" I doubt Koi's descriptions were accurate!

I proceed to run off and look for Ha-chan. I don't think I need any more of Koi's perversion at this moment.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Being a zero gravity vortex is weird…" Paul-chan builds on her story! "Like… you see… everything… and it feels amazing..."

Reminds me of that time I got electroshock therapy! I need to do that again, sometime.

Brad comes barreling down the hallway all of a sudden! "Yo ho ho, Ha-chan! You're fluffy!"

I'm fluffy! "I'm fluffy!"

Brad ruffles my hair. "That you are!"

Hehahah!

Paul-chan gazes at Brad intently. "...Do you have any more of that red stuff?"

He pauses for a moment. "...I think I know where the canisters are, but uh-"

"Show me." Paul-chan flinches towards him and grabs his arm.

Hey! "Paul-chan, I had things I wanted to do with Brad-kun today!"

"Too bad. I need my fix." Paul-chan glared at me. That's not very nice…

Brad slowly peeled Paul-chan's arm off of his. "...Why don'cha ask Sakuya for some? I'm sure she'll make you some…"

"I need it. Now." Paul-chan grabs his arm again and starts tugging.

Brad jerks his arm back forcefully this time. "Hey, missy, hands off the merchandise! I'm a workin' man, yo, I can't afford to shell out twenty months a buck- I mean bucks a month, for the International Kool-Aid Tax! Back off!"

Paul-chan keeps trying, so I move up and grab her from behind to restrain her. "Stop it, Paul-chan! He said no!" When people say no, they mean no!

"No means yes!" Paul-chan barks at me, clawing at my arms. Ouu~ch!

"Yes means no- I mean, no! No means no!" I tell her.

Paul-chan stomps on my foot. "No!"

Aaagh! "No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Suddenly, Brad steps in and delivers a punch to Paul-chan's cheek, sending her sprawling out of my grasp and onto the floor.

"Guh!" Thud.

"...Paul-chan, you're being mean today! Go away!" I don't like it when my friends are mean to me…

Paul-chan stands up dizzily. "U-ugh… Look, don't make me… make you… show me the red stuff by force!"

Brad takes out Swift Brand. "Alright, yo. I'll show you some red stuff by force…"

Paul-chan puts her dukes up. "Try it, stupid human! I bet you don't even know how to-"

Thwack!

Brad slips Swift Brand back into his sack. "Nope."

Paul-chan spirals to the floor, and this time she decides to not get up. Sorry, Paul-chan…

Brad turns to me. "Alright, friend. What was this fun activity you had planned?"

Oh, yeah! "I wanted to go to the library!" The library's really big, and has lots of books, and even though Patchouli-sama is really mean, she's still cool! I'm one of the few maids to have found the fun book section too!

Brad nods. "Cool! What for?"

"...Stuff?" I hadn't thought that far ahead yet… "...We could take a look at the fun books."

"Fun books…" Brad murmurs. "Fluffy."

Yay~! Today was gonna be a great day!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walked up to Patchouli's study desk!

Brad started talking. "Hello again, magical friend!"

Patchouli sighed. "What sick obsession do you have with deprecating my library?"

Brad furrows his brows. "Patchouli, you know I don't like defecating in public places. I was at least potty trained."

...You could be in the mansion and not be potty trained? Last time I checked, mistress Remilia made it a, uhm… 'beehive you're all' 'stan dart'. I don't know why all beehives would be Stan's darts, but whatever it was, it meant all maids had to know when, where, and how to go potty!

...It would have made more sense if she just said 'behavioral standard', but I'm sure I'm wrong about that. Mistress Remilia is very smart, after all!

"Somehow, I doubt that." Patchouli-sama still wasn't looking up from her book. "...Why are you even here today? What could you possibly have to do that requires you to come back here again?"

Brad turns and gestures to me. Patchouli-sama turns her stoic glare to me. S-scary…!

"...U-uhm… I-I wanted to show Brad-kun the fun book section…" I stammered out, staring at the floor.

"...Ah, you're that maid, Hana. They're called picture books, mind you… and I suppose that's fine, if it keeps him out of my hair." Patchouli-sama recognizes me! But...

...That's weird. "...What does he do in your hair?"

Brad starts laughing, and Patchouli-sama smirks. "All sorts of perverted things."

"Pfft- I wish, yo. Not in this fanfic, I ain't!" Brad loudly declares.

Suddenly, he's stricken by a red rubber ball from some hole in reality with ribbons. Whatever that hole was, it was pretty!

"Ooo~h, Yukari's playin' hard ball…" Brad wheezes from the floor.

"...I dread asking." Patchouli-sama resumes reading her tome. She might not look it, but I notice her eyes stop whenever she's in a conversation, sometimes, at least.

...It's not worth bringing up, though. I turn to Brad! "...Come along, tired friend." I lift him in my arms and begin carrying him.

"Oof." Brad relaxes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Dude, I didn't know Patchy had a copy of the ten little ladybugs!" Brad beamed with excitement. "I used to have this when I was freakin' tiny!"

He flipped through the book until he reached the page with no little ladybugs. "...And then there were none. Hyonk."

I was scribbling in a coloring book beside him. "How does it look?"

I hold up the crayon drawing!

Brad blinks. "...How the fuck do you even do that with crayons?"

What? "...By drawing?"

Was something wrong with it? I looked down at my drawing. Was something wrong with the rough pencil sketch look? I thought it fit the best...

"...And secondly; how are you a better pencil artist than me when you're using crayons?" Brad looks conflicted.

"I dunno!" I exclaim!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Dude, all I could draw with a pencil is some crappy porn and stick figures, meanwhile she's making some freakin rough pencil sketches of facial portraits with crayons! Not only that, but I definitely saw her use like half the box, yet the only color on the page is black!

How do you even do that!?

"You wouldn't know." I snark at her.

"Nope." Ha-chan agrees with me, the insult flying over her head.

Flandre walks onto the scene! "...Hello!"

Ha-chan waves at her. "Hello!"

They were cuddly. "Hello, world." I added.

Flandre looks at me. "Hi, Brad!"

Ha-chan turns to me. "Hello!"

"Hello, world." I add again.

"I found a friend!" Flandre exclaims. She brings a hand to her mouth and whistles, yet another technique that I've failed to master and probably never will.

Suddenly, from behind the shelves came a tubby fluffle. It was like a normal fluffle, just bigger. It was as big as me!

"im chunky" it asserted.

"Hello!" Flandre greeted it. Oh boy, it's starting again…

Ha-chan looks at the tubby fluffle. "Hello!"

"Hello, world." I sigh after saying it…

"hi friends" it said.

"Hello!" Flandre, for whatever bloody reason, decided to greet it again.

"Hello!" Ha-chan, why.

Everyone turns to me, expecting me to say it again.

"...Freakin', yo!"

Flandre tilts her head. "...Hello?"

Alright, that's it. "No." I shake my head.

Flandre looks crestfallen. "...Aaww…"

Ha-chan looks to the floor, disappointed.

The fluffle's smile fades. "no one calls me tubby"

The fluffle proceeds to charge at me slowly. I step aside, and it headbutts a bookshelf directly.

Thunk!

As the fluffle recoils, the shelf begins to tip.

...Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam-Boo~m…

...A series of bookshelves had fallen over, a dust storm raging. The fluffle raised its fins excitedly.

"dust friends!" It held its mouth open ecstatically.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We all landed on the floor outside the library.

"And stay out, you childish neanderthals!"

Patchouli slammed the library door.

Flandre scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Heheheh… Patchy's angry with us…"

The fluffle looked back and forth between us. "hey dont count me in im just chunky"

Flandre and the fluffle stared at one another, apparently starting a staring contest. Despite Flandre being an immensely powerful vampire, she would not win this staring contest, simply because fluffles do not blink unless they will it so; their eyes are apparently not organic. Nothing about a fluffle was really organic, if one thinks about it. Fluffy.

...Also, I'm bored! "I'm bored!" I announce.

Ha-chan turns to me. "...I wanted you to see more of the fun books today, but we got kicked out really early…"

I shrug. "We can look at 'em later, yo." I begin walking for the exit of the mansion, only to pause when I hear a commotion back with Flandre.

"Hwa~h!" The giga-fluffle tries to pounce on Flandre, and she just embraces it as if it tried to glomp her instead. "...You're dusty…" she comments as she sniffs the fluff.

Fluffy tidings.

With that, Ha-chan and I had left for the manor's entrance.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"fluffle nut stone" The fluffle sat a very jagged box on the counter. It looked like it was made of plastic.

"its the traditional fruit cake"

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

We were outside the manor, at the good ol' fluffle stand once again.

Ha-chan eyes the 'traditional fruit cake'. "...It looks like a toy…"

"its a fluffle nut stone" the fluffle insists. Then, it raises the box and munches it in three bites.

"delicious"

Ha-chan blinks. "...Aaww."

Friendly. "Hi, son."

The fluffle waved a fin at me. "hi"

I put my hands on the counter. "What's for sale, yo?"

The fluffle's smile ceases, and after a ginger moment of silence, it moves its forehead to nudge my hands off the counter.

"here, friend" The fluffle swipes its fins over the counter, laying out all sorts of awesome weaponry!... and by weaponry, I mean plant hangers.

Choices! I see…

That one rainbow technicolor rave party hanger was placed on the table. The day I got to use that is the day I'd… I don't even know, yo!

There was that headless whoever's hanger on the table. I haven't needed it so far, so uh… hmm.

A fruity looking plant hanger that I'd hazard was made from ceramic or something. It has a floral design to it- it reminds me of the decorations at my grandparent's house.

...This other one wasn't even a plant hanger, it's a freakin power drill of some sort. Doesn't seem to have a screw attached…

...And that's about it!

I point at the floral hanger. "Wazzit."

The fluffle raises its fins.

"...I meant 'what's that'." Stoopid freakin'...

"the Sweet Memories plant hanger! made from ceramic and enchanted to be many times stronger than its base components, it boosts the money dropped by enemies and forces enemies who dont drop money to drop money!" the fluffle explained. "however, you will hit far weaker with it and it reduces your magical capabilities; it boosts the effects of healing magic"

Pfft. The day I learned Curaga, Once More, or Auto-Life would be the day the world ended just to spite me for ever obtaining such broken abilities. Unless it boosts the effect of health potions, I'm not very drawn to the idea of boosting a magic type I probably can't cast.

...But the money boost? Hell yeah! "Give it to me, friend."

The fluffle stuck out a fin. "eight hundred fifty thousand yen, friend"

...

Ne~vermind, I'd need to conquer a small country just to be able to afford the fucking thing.

I point at the power drill. "Why."

The fluffle ignores my question. "its a power drill, and it hurts! will run out of batteries eventually"

...That's it? "...Alright, then. Gimme a price, friend!"

"seventy five thousand yen" It smiled.

"..." I lean over the counter and glare at the fluffle. "I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck."

Seventy five thousand for a power drill!?

Ha-chan nervously steps up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Brad-kun? Maybe we should just leave…"

I sigh. "Yeah, alright, yo. This place is bunk." I spit on the ground in front of the stand. "You'll never work in this town again, do you hear me, sir fluffy face the fuckteenth!?"

The fluffle was still smiling. "snug space"

Ha-chan and I left the stand, walking away. Well, I was more accurately stomping away. Freakin' outrageous pricing...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 21

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations… Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

christ this summary thing minus the authors note is like 1 k words in and of itself, and i dont think anyone really reads it by this point (but it's a nice rollcall of things anyways)

was originally gonna stuff the rafflesia battle into 21.5 (or 24) but felt it fit better here

yeah the rafflesia thing is an Epic Battle Fantasy 4 reference again; they're fun bosses, yo.

as always, see you all next time!