(by the way it's MATTHEW'S PERSPECTIVE again hyonk)

I sat at the kitchen table again, just as I had done for the past few days. Gustavus once again attempted to stand up, and I moved my hand to tip it back over.

Holy shit, did this place get dull. I almost never get any action here.

"Tell me, can ghosts die?" I bring up abruptly.

Youmu pauses at the sink, water audibly running. "...I don't think about questions like that. It hurts my head."

I nod. "...For all intents and purposes, everyone here should have been bored to death multiple times over already."

Youmu snorts. "Why don't you do something productive, then? You spend too much time teasing that poor thing."

Hah. "Like what? Counting the ceiling tiles?" This ceiling didn't even have tiles.

"I don't know," Youmu began, talking as she washed the dishes. "Building something, maybe? We have the tools…"

I shake my head. "Not a chance." ...In retrospect, I could have looted some tools of theirs… but I doubt they'd have power drills or anything of the sort anyway.

"...Then don't complain." Youmu replies smugly, thinking she had won the verbal conflict.

"Do you want me to make you go from half-dead to full-dead?" I jeer at her half-dead-ness.

"I'd like to see you try."

I consider it for a moment, but then my eyes drift to the katanas around her waist. Maybe that wouldn't be the correct healthcare plan at this point in my life...

"...I think not." Gustavus attempted to stand again, and I slowly reached my hand over to him and poked him with a finger, sending him sliding back to the table top.

It was at this moment that Yuyuko decided to float in.

"Do I smell something tasty~?" she comments, making her way to the table.

Youmu shakes her head. "Probably just the dish soap, Yuyuko-sama."

I fold Gustavus's limbs under its torso, and hold it up to Yuyuko. "Yes. Dessert."

She eyes it, before wincing a little. "...I…think that would give me indigestion."

"It's fluff loaf." I insist, moving it closer to her.

...She decides to take a sniff of it. "...It smells fluffy."

...What the hell are we doing?

It was this moment Yukari chose to gap in, taking a seat at one of the vacant positions.

"...What do you want?" I glared at her.

"Can I not stop by just to visit my dear friend?" Yukari teasingly asks, sliding out a chair and sitting down.

"Since when have we been friends?" I raise a brow, looking at her critically.

"We aren't." Yukari adds. "I meant Yuyuko. Sorry~!"

She leans towards Yuyuko, raising a hand to her mouth and talking in a pseudo-whisper. "I think you need to find the boy some friends…"

Yuyuko giggles. "I think you might be right… He does seem awful lonely around here…"

Both problems are ones you created, and considering your abilities, there's not much I could help about that. "Oh, and who am I supposed to befriend? The numerous ghosts out there ready to rip me limb from limb?"

Yuyuko giggled harder in response. "Oo~h, they're not that bad!"

Youmu glances over from the sink. "Yes, they are."

"Oh, hush you." Yuyuko pouts.

Yukari smirks. "...Say, Youmu, why aren't you friends with this boy?"

"...I don't know. I don't seek to make friendships when I just know they won't work." Youmu replies, not looking over from the sink.

"And how do you know that?" Yukari twirls her fan wrily. "You two have many things in common!"

I fold my arms, bracing myself for the impending storm of bullshit. "Enlighten me."

"You both like blades!" Yukari began. "And you're both half dead! Well- not exactly in the same way, but… close enough!"

Youmu pauses, turning to Yukari to stare at her for a few moments, but then just shakes her head and turns back at the sink.

"Very funny." I cut in. "Did you come just to waste everyone's time?"

She shakes her head, "No," then folds her fan open. "Just yours."

Her and that fan of hers. "Well, the joke's on you." I begin. "I don't have any time to waste. Rather, it's already being wasted as we speak- whether you're involved or not."

Yukari claps her hands together. "Perfect! Then there's no problem with me being here, is there~?"

I sigh and rest my arms on the table. "Here." I hold up the fluff loaf. "Have some fluff loaf."

I toss it at her, and it flies into a newly-formed gap.

Moments later… "Pfft-ugh!"

Youmu is forced to back away from the sink, her face and mouth full of dust.

"im lovable" Gustavus insists.

Spitting and wiping her face, Youmu turns to glare at Yukari, but decides against saying anything.

Turning back to the sink, Youmu finds the lovable dust devil has dirtied the entire thing somehow.

"..."

Youmu walks towards the table, and takes a seat.

… "I'm still bored." I add constructively to the discussion.

"I'm done for the day. Have fun, Yuyuko-sama." Youmu gets out of her chair, then dives to the floor.

...After a moment of silence to honor the fallen, Yukari looks at me. "Well, I could fix that…!"

This could only end badly.

I shake my head. "Please, don't."

"There's an incident playing out- and this time you don't diverge and kill random villagers in their homes." Yukari waves her finger at me disapprovingly.

I nod my head exaggeratedly. "Yes, ma'am. Want me to walk you across the street as well?"

She looks a bit cross for a moment, but her expression returns to the jovial one from before. "Very funny. I made sure someone capable would have the radar this time…" She looks at Youmu and frowns, but Youmu didn't seem to mind, being apparently unconscious and all.

/ / / / DUNNO WHAT TO DO FOR A SCENE CHANGE THIS TIME / / / /

Reimu furrows her brows as she stares at the metal device. "...I don't even know. Of all the things Yukari could have given me, this is not even remotely useful."

Marisa leans over her shoulder. "...I think I saw something like that in Nitori's workshop before."

They were currently floating over the skies of the Forest of Magic, where Marisa had described as the first place she witnessed the vine problem.

"...Well, what is it?" Reimu turned to her friend.

"...I think it's a… electromagnetic sonar… fish finder?" Marisa brought a hand to her chin. "It was a stupid long name…"

"...That sounds stupid." Reimu decided. "Yukari's stupid."

"Yeah." Marisa nods in agreement.

/ / / / SEND HELP / / / /

"...I'm sure they'll be far more capable than Youmu-chan ever was!" Yukari jauntily adds.

"I somehow doubt that." I state, staring at the ceiling again. "...I assume I'm to be sent out to active duty again?"

Yukari nods. "Yeah."

"...Might as well get it over with." I concede.

After a few moments, I stand up. "Alright… I'm rea-"

I was cut off as I fell through a gap.

/ / / / HELLO THERE AGAIN / / / /

I fall from the gap, and I appear to be surrounded by both fuck and all, indistinguishably.

Except for open sky.

Looking down, I see trees.

Well, shit.

"...Aaaaa~h!" I yell for the hell of it.

Within moments, however, I'm caught by a certain black and white mage.

"Hehe~y there, buddy! What the hell were you doing in the sky, ze!? You learning to fly or what?" Marisa looked down at me, holding me bridal style.

"Naturally." I sarcastically reply.

"Oh." Marisa blinks, surprised. "Well, don't let me bother you then."

She moves her arms to the side and drops me.

"Aaaaa~h!" Hopefully she got the message and moved to catch me again, or something…

This time I'm caught by a certain red and white miko.

"...Geez, Marisa…" she mutters, holding me by the arms this time. "...You didn't even find out who put him that high in the air. For all we know, it coulda been the people behind this incident…"

If only.

I turn to her- to the best of my ability, anyway. "Yukari did it."

"Oh. Dammit." Reimu suddenly looked disinterested. "Well… as tempted as I am to drop you, she probably put you in front of us for a reason."

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

"...Or she could have intended you to be a splatter meal for the youkai below, which is probably something I should be watching out for, but at the same time I'm really not supposed to be…" Reimu shook her head. "Uugh, I never should have made that stupid agreement…"

That's nice. "To be honest, I really couldn't care about the political life of a shrine maiden. My primary concern is reaching the ground- in one piece, alive, and not crippled, preferably."

She nods. "I guess that's to be expected…"

We weren't heading towards the ground at all, though. "...How long is this trip expected to take?"

"...Well, once miss hoboes-a-lot over here finds her warehouse…" Reimu's gaze drifts to Marisa.

"Pfft. Not even, it's like a fucking pavilion now. Fate has not been kind to it, ze." Marisa replied glumly.

"Speak of the devil…" Marisa starts to float downward. "This way!"

"You didn't have to inform me. I can infer things just fine, you know." Reimu gets in her obligatory snarking, of course.

/ / / / MY LIFE… IS FADING / / / /

Marisa wasn't wrong when she described it as a pavilion. I still had that ink, too. I doubt she'll notice anything missing from this hut now, though.

"...You weren't kidding." Reimu blinked at the sight. "...Wow. What happened?"

"Pain." Marisa summarized.

"Ah."

Speaking of, we were inside said pavilion now. Since I was on dry ground…

"Did any of you happen upon a… device from Yukari?" I inquired.

"...Yes." Reimu replied hesitantly. "Why?"

I smile as sincerely as possible, and hold out my hand. "You see, that was actually meant for me. She just wanted to be circular with the method of obtaining it- forcing me to socialize, and all." There was no way this wouldn't work…

Reimu stared at me in contemplation for a few moments, then lifted the device from one of her pockets, somewhere. I didn't know that dress had pockets, but okay.

"...I think I'll keep it." Reimu decided.

Son of a bitch.

"...Why's that?" I question innocently, still smiling.

"...If socialization was the only reason, there's no point in giving it to you. It seems to be made out of some kind of steel, so I don't doubt it'd sell for something good. Maybe even the kappa will take it…" She begins grinning at the device.

You piece of fucking shit.

Best salesman smile, go! "...Can I at least inspect it? I-I mean, it was intended for me- and Yukari-"

"No. The kappa can get picky about fingerprints. I want it in pristine condition." Reimu jerks it away from me, and pockets it again. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you can just ask Yukari for another one of whatever the hell it is."

If Yukari wasn't likely going to erase me from reality if I laid a finger on you, I would have sliced your throat open and pried it from your cold, dead hands, you shrine maiden piece of shit.

...On the bright side, she didn't know it was a radar, so whatever.

...Fuck.

"...What even is it, anyway?" Marisa questioned me. "...I mean…"

A question I was not prepared for. While I'm sure there was some lie that I could have told that would have netted it in my hands, it did not occur to me as soon as she said that. The best choice then would be to just feign ignorance.

"...I'm not sure, but I really, really want it." I emphasized that I really fucking wanted it!

"...Look, I'll get a price estimate from the kappa. If the price is right, I might even let you buy it from me." Reimu elaborated, and while she might have been trying to be reasonable, it was seriously only salt in the wound.

"...Fine." I venomously replied, folding my arms.

Reimu blinked at me. "...Can't fault you for being angry about it, I guess. I would be, too."

"Shut up." I quickly retorted.

"...There's no need to get rude about it, though." Reimu glared at me. "Look, I'm in a good mood right now, but once this incident picks up, I won't."

Pffft. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Marisa began pumping her arms. "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight… fight?" She trailed off as Reimu scowled at her.

"...Marisa, you know I don't just beat up random bystanders for the hell of it- especially not those who are defenseless." Reimu states solidly.

Marisa blinks. "You don't?"

"Okay, maybe I do- but not defenseless ones, at the very least." Reimu admits.

"Define defenseless." I demanded.

"...Not able to fly, not able to shoot danmaku, and not particularly strong, either. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like the qualities of someone who is adequately prepared for combat." Reimu rattled off multiple qualities that may have been right in every respect… but they still pissed me off.

...and as much as I wanted to demonstrate that someone with these qualities could, in fact, kill her where she stood, I'd rather not be killed where I stood in turn.

"...What are we even doing here?" I ask the dreaded question.

Reimu looks around. "...That's a good question. Marisa, what the hell were we here for?"

"I swear I saw the vines here, Reimu! This was the very first place!" Marisa was digging around through piles of things that the weather had presumably kicked the asses of.

"Oh, right. Reports of deadly toxic vines around Eientei… that were spreading. How and why would they be here of all places?" Reimu looked tired already.

Marisa flails her arms. "I-I dunno, ze! They just… were?"

Very much progress was being made.

"...Great." Reimu sighed. "Back to square one…"

Marisa looked perturbed by that comment, but seemed to hold back her own commentary.

"Is there any reason I should be here?" I ask. If not…

"If Yukari dropped you on us, you're staying with us. I can't let any clues slip through my fingers." Reimu responded promptly.

I roll my eyes. "Persistent, aren't you? What if I were to say… slink away in the evening? Do you think you could stop me?"

/ / / / SUDDENLY THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED #tempting fate / / / /

I was tied to Marisa's broomstick, apparently.

"Yes." Reimu answered my previous question.

"Hey, uh, Reimu?" Marisa tapped on her shoulder.

"Yes?"

"I need that to fly." Marisa deadpanned.

"So?"

"...I can't fly with him on it."

"Yes, yes you can." Reimu looked confident in her judgement.

"...Look, I only take temporary passengers, not uh… luggage. Also, the way you tied him on is weird! Either I sit on his face, or my legs… my legs don't even fit on the broom the other way- he's in the way!" Marisa stomped the floor.

I don't think I mind such an arrangement.

"...I guess we can't have that." You choose this moment to relent!?

With one quick swipe from the Hakurei miko, an ofuda collided with the rope, severing it, the ofuda fading on contact with the rope.

Marisa whistled. "Damn, ze. Where'd you learn that one?"

Reimu blushed. "Don't ask. I'd rather not say…"

Rolling her eyes, Marisa walked up to me and removed the broom from my back. "Let me guess, were you attending one of Yukari's sessions again? At the Golden Grin?"

Reimu glared at her friend. "...If I said yes, would that make me a bad person?"

"...Yes." Marisa nodded.

Looking around, I determined quickly that there was still nothing of value at this location. "...Can we get a move on, already? I'd rather waste as little sunlight as possible on these trivialities."

Reimu nods. "He's right, we might as well check out Eientei, too. That's where all the action is, after all."

Thus, Reimu lifted me up in a nice, uncomfortable arm carry, and we set to the skies.

/ / / / FUN TIMES AHEAD / / / /

I sat in the fetal position in a trench as rabbit soldiers at both my sides threw grenades out into the open field behind us.

Blam! Boom! Bam!

"Nwoo~!" The wails of many giant yukkuri echoed throughout the forest.

"Where the hell am I?" I questioned aloud, but none of the rabbit girls responded.

A line of bush people rushed the trench line, and dived in.

"O-oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit!" A short rabbit girl demonstrated her eloquent way with words as a bush youkai clawed her face, blood spattering across the dirt lightly. She struggled with it, dropping her rifle and focusing her entire effort towards prying it off her face.

I look down at the futuristic rifle, and pick it up while the rabbit girl is being viciously maimed.

...Well, for one thing, it doesn't have triggers. Or a clip. It was also really smooth-looking, like something Apple would make.

How the fuck do you use this?

Well, whatever. I held onto it anyway; maybe people wouldn't fuck with me if they saw me carrying a gun-shaped blunt instrument around. Throughout the trench, various other rabbits were having similar troubles.

"I think it's time to get out of here…" I tell myself in the heat of the battle, as I marched forward, back towards the main building.

A bush person tries to leap onto me from above, but I swing the gun like a club and send it barreling into an unaware rabbit soldier.

"A-aaa~h!"

...Oops. Well, it builds character. She'll get better, probably. Physically, anyway. Maybe.

I made my way through the trench, and eventually reached the main building.

I look back, seeing a multitude of giant Suika yukkuri invade the trench, followed by numerous explosions. Holy shit.

A green-haired rabbit girl ran by me, holding up a walkie talkie. "Air strike! Look- I don't care if there're still troops deployed- yes, I'm not a heartless bastard, this is the best way to save their asses! Look- just- aaugh! Do it!" She hung up, lifted her rifle, and sprayed randomly into the horde of abominations, failing to do anything. She did manage to hit a few bunny soldiers at least!

...Boom! Kablam! Ba~m!

Bombs rained down from above, but no planes were visible. Mortars? Maybe…

Some of the yukkuri exploded, but for the most part, I think the bombs just made things worse…

"...aaaahhh…"

I heard a faint yelling sound.

"-aaaahhhhh-" It was getting louder.

I back into the main building finally, when I see numerous fluffles holding large, cartoony bombs with fuses on them heading toward the trench. That's enough explosions for my entire lifetime.

I close the door behind me.

"...Waaaaa~l!" I still heard the fluffles yelling.

...boom bam boom bam bam b-boom bam…

I heard muffled explosions against the metal of the door.

Suddenly, the intercom came on. "Trench forty-two-B has fallen! All units report to trenches fifty-two C and eighty-five G!"

No thanks.

...I heard fluffy sounds from the door behind me, which was my cue to haul ass.

I ran down the hall, running past numerous rabbit soldiers, who were in a mix of either relaxing or mourning the fallen, when the door I had previously emerged from fell open, fluffles at the seams of it. It seems they chewed it open- or just overloaded the lock with sheer force.

"Waaaa~l!" came the fluffy wail, as the rabbit soldiers quickly tried to react, a few getting up and firing into the crowd like assholes- because they only served as a minor setback to the sheer tidal wave of fluffy friks.

"Oh, fuck me!"

"Janet! Ja~net!"

"This can't be happening! This isn't fucking happening!"

"I'm losing control of the situation!... Can't take much more of this!"

These are the shouts I'm greeted with as I charge down the hall, until finally…

Fwoom…

I hear a large metal door shut behind me, again. I don't trust that sound, though- the fluffles could probably eat it with ease.

Reimu and Marisa were here; it was the front lobby. Reisen was tiredly talking with them.

"Did they look like this?" Marisa made a flowy motion with her arms.

"Marisa, those vine impressions weren't funny the last ten- fucking- times you tried them…" Reisen growled.

Reimu yawned. "I don't know, the front of the place looks kinda clear, aside from the few vines… and they didn't seem to react very much as we flew over them."

Yeah, the place looks really clear, alright. Peaceful, even.

...boom, bam, boo-boom, blam!

I hear muffled explosions from the hall I had emerged from, and everyone in the room turned to look at the door.

"...Oh, gods, no…" Reisen paled. "...You… what happened?"

I put my ear to the door, hearing fluffy coos and scratching… "...Oh, nothing much. It was a calm experience. One might even describe it as zen-like."

I quickly power walk away from the door. "...But too much of a good thing can be bad for you." I grin.

Reisen lifts what looks like an oversized sniper rifle. "...I-I can't believe it…"

...Thunk!

The door fell open.

"Waaaaa~l!"

Fluffles ran in, holding those cartoony bombs again.

Fwi-Fwi-Ch-choo~m!

A series of lasers from Reisen's sniper rifle-

BLAM

-put an end to the wave of kamikaze assholes.

Reisen then ran forward, but paused for a moment, turning to us. "Reimu! Marisa!... And that guy!"

I loved being 'that guy'.

"The vines didn't come from here, but-" She looked ahead, and raised her rifle…

Fwi-choom!

Boom!

She turned back to us. "-Just find it and fix it, okay!?"

With that, she ran forward into the war.

The intercom came on, a playful voice answering this time. "Sector five-T has fallen, nothing but rubble! Look out bunnies, here comes trouble!"

I think I had enough of participating in the draft for today. "...Let's go." I insist to my apparent comrades.

"Aa~w, I wanna loot more…" Marisa pouted.

Reimu's eyes lighted up. "...Say, do you have a hammerspace sack like that other guy?"

I shake my head. "No."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Outsiders."

Reimu walks forward and floats ahead.

"...Guess you're riding with me, ze…" Marisa hops on her broom, and pats the back. "Get on!"

I hop on, and instantly pause to think of where to place my hands. I remember where I put them last time, though, so I stick with that.

"Don't touch anywhere you'll regret, ze…" Marisa added lowly. This statement gives the author a weird sense of deja-vu, for good reason. I can also break the fourth wall because Yukari hasn't told me otherwise yet!

"Ah, forget about it." I nonchalantly exclaim. "I didn't rape you mid-flight last time you offered me a ride, did I?" I wonder how you'd even do that.

"...Point." Marisa conceded.

And so, we flew off. Although I suggested for us to leave, I didn't exactly know where we were going.

/ / / / HOLY TOUHOU, BATMAN / / / /

We arrived at Reimu's shrine once more. The boring, dilapidated shrine.

"The amount of spreading was worrying." Reimu began the conversation.

Marisa chipped in, too. "I know, ze. This looks like a problem well beyond the bamboo forest, now…"

We neared the stone pathway in front of the shrine, and I hopped off the broom somewhat clumsily, running along as I reached the ground. It was like getting off a bike, except in the air.

I had different interests, though. "Definitely, ze. Like, it's a big problem, ze. Worrying, ze. Ze."

Marisa glared at me. "...I let you hitch a ride, and this is the thanks I get, ze?"

I nod. "Naturally, ze. Consider it ze payment, ze."

Marisa continues glaring, unamused. "...That's not funny, you know."

I tilt my head. "Ze?"

Marisa is now… nope, she's still glaring. "Asshole."

I roll my eyes. "Come on, now… is it only funny when you do it?"

Reimu had had enough of this discussion, though, and bonked me on the head with her gohei. "Knock it off, you. The last thing we need in the middle of an incident is two morons beating each other to death."

"Hah." Marisa folds her arms, smug. "Serve you right- wait…" Marisa pauses to look at Reimu questioningly, and she bonks Marisa on the head too.

"Same goes for you."

"Wha'd I do!?" Marisa whines, clutching her hat.

Reimu steps into the shrine, "Come on now, we don't have all- Hwah!" and falls into a hole in the floor.

...She floats out, angry. "...What the hell is this?"

I shrug. "Termites."

"Fluffles?" Marisa guesses.

Suika's arm shoots up from another place in the floor, breaking it open as she does so. "Sake!"

"Great." Reimu looks tired. "...In any case, don't trip over the gaping holes in the floor."

I heed her advice as I leap over the gap as best I could. Marisa floats over it, raising an eyebrow at my jump.

"Dude, you jump like a girl, ze." Marisa attempts a jab.

"Yeah, ze. That's like ze accurate assessment, ze." I counter with my own.

"...Asshole." And there we go.

"Do I have to put you two in time out, or what?" Reimu comments irately.

I raise my hands as if surrendering. "Well, she started it… ze."

"Uu~gh…" Marisa groaned.

"I didn't bring you two over here just so you can bicker like children. We've really got to do something about these vines, and fast." Reimu tries to change the topic.

...apparently unsuccessfully, as Marisa would prove. "Well it'd be easier if somebody wasn't making fun of my vocabulary!"

I look at her and just shake my head. "You'd be making it much easier on yourself if you just didn't react. Besides, it's not like there was much vocabulary to make fun of… ze."

Marisa pulls out her Mini-Hakkero. "Oh, that's fucking it, ze."

Thwack!

"Oouu~ch!" Marisa whined, recoiling from the gohei strike.

Thwack!

"Hgh…" I actually flinch a bit from that hit. Ouch. I rub my head where it hit…

"If I hear a single sentence uttered from you two that is not incident related, there will be consequences." Reimu assures us, glaring.

Suika chose that moment to clamber from the floor, breaking it open in the process. "Goo~d morning!"

Thwack!

"Good night." Reimu replied, the oni slowly tipping over back into the hole.

"You've been working on your gohei game, haven't'cha, Reimu?" Suika replied from the hole, largely unaffected by the gohei strike.

Reimu sighed. "...I guess we should just get a move on before anything worse happens."

She goes to open the back door of the shrine, and suddenly vines.

"..."

She closes the door.

"Well, that wasn't there before." Reimu nods slowly.

Marisa and I just stare at her as she turns her back to the door and leans against it. She then sighs.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the front door.

I walk up to it. "Is it the vines?" I call out.

More knocks.

"Pizza delivery? Did you bring the deep-dish vine-encrusted extra large?" I questioned again, putting my ear to the door.

"Just let me answer it…" Reimu lightly pushes me out of the way and opens the door.

Remilia stood there with her hands on her hips. "Reimu, there are vines in my lawn."

"I feel you." Reimu nonchalantly replies.

"Get them off my lawn." Remilia commanded.

"I would." Reimu supplements her.

"They're annoying." Remilia explains.

"..." Reimu closes the door. "I feel you. I really do. Go away."

I look crestfallen. "...So I'm not getting that pizza, then, am I?"

Reimu looks at me, annoyed. "What was that about irrelevant comments?"

"My pizza is never irrelevant." I insist.

Marisa scurries next to Reimu and whispers into her ear loudly. "See what I mean? He's annoying…!"

Reimu rubs her ear. "...Get away from me, you. I'm not going to pick a side in this… squabble."

Remilia opens the door herself. "Reimu, I'm not going away until you come do something about these vines."

"...Whatever happened to vampires only coming in when invited?" Reimu deadpans.

"Do not take me for a fool, Hakurei." Remilia showed she was serious with the use of last names. So spooky.

"...I guess that's a myth, then." Reimu shrugs.

I begin tapping Remilia on the shoulder.

"Reimu, vines are…"

Remilia pauses, and turns to me. "...What?"

"...Did you bring the pizza?" I question, smiling hopefully.

"Will you shut up about pizza!?" Reimu snaps at me.

"So, Reimu, about those vi-"

Remilia is interrupted by Reimu opening the back door, showing her the vines.

"...Ah, I see." Remilia smirks, adjusting her mob cap with one hand. "...You need the help of one as powerful as I to get to the bottom of this incident, don't you?"

"Only if you bring pizza." I specify.

"No one asked you." Remilia shot me down instantly.

I instantly clutch my chest and stumble backwards as if wounded.

"Sure, whatever." Reimu didn't care. "The more the merrier. If you could keep those two idiots in line…" Reimu gestured to Marisa and me. "...that'd be great."

Marisa stomped the floor. "Hey, I didn't even say anything for awhile! I've been good!"

Reimu held up a finger. "But were you thinking stupid thoughts?"

...Reluctantly, Marisa shook her head. "...No, I wasn't."

The temptation was too great. "Ze." I had to say it.

"Words cannot describe what I'm about to do to you, ze." Marisa turned to me, scowling.

"Sounds kinky." I add thoughtfully.

Reimu turns to Remilia. "Welcome aboard."

"I loathe this already." she states, folding her arms. "...On second thought, I think I'll go-"

"No." Reimu insisted. "They are your problem now."

Remilia looked at her sharply. "What? No, no no-"

"Yes." Reimu insisted once more. "After all, only one as powerful as you could quell their stupidity."

...With that logic, Remilia huffed. "Damn."

/ / / / THE GREAT KABLAMS OF HISTORY / / / /

And so, our expertly- dare I say cleverly crafted- order of operations was taken into effect.

...We were flying aimlessly around Gensokyo, looking for the 'culprit' of this incident.

Seeing as Marisa and Reimu had already carried me at least once each, it was now Remilia's turn.

She held me by the arms similarly to Reimu for awhile, which proved a bit problematic, since she was smaller than Reimu. Eventually, we came to an agreement, however…

Reimu's jaw was ajar. "Look, I'm not going to question who the hell made this… but I'm going to question who the hell made this. Also the fact you had it lying around at all is troubling."

I was dangling precariously on what appeared to be some sort of lawn decor. It was one of those things that moved water back and forth in a fancy matter- a Shishi Odishi, as they were called, I think. The only reason I knew this is because the author googled 'water bamboo thing'.

Let's pretend I didn't just think the latter part of that paragraph.

...Unlike the typical fancy bamboo water thing, however, this one was more like a monstrosity of disjointed bamboo poles and tubes and shafts, which made it more akin to a chemistry set instead of a whatever the hell those things are normally used for.

"Hey, it was supposed to be to scare off youkai!" Marisa justified her possession.

"Oh, it's scary alright…" Reimu narrowed her eyes at it. "...You still didn't tell me who the hell made it."

"It was my dad! He saw a deer trap and was all like 'oh if I could make one for youkai it'd sell big!' And so he did!"

I'm not sure whether to complain or be thankful we found an arrangement after thirty minutes or so of ceaseless bickering and uncomfortable manhandling by a loli vampire. She wasn't gentle while annoyed, I can tell you that much.

...although now I was hanging precariously off of the side of what I could only describe as a screaming bamboo death trap, and it feels incredibly unsafe due to all the hinges and latches. Why.

"Marisa, what kind of alcohol does your dad drink?" Reimu questions.

Marisa shrugs. "Cheap village spirits. Why?"

Reimu rolls her eyes. "O~h, I see. Mushrooms?"

"...Yeah, he eats mushrooms for recreation a lot, or did. He's a little too old for that now, ze." Marisa explained.

"All I needed to know." Reimu ended the conversation.

Remilia was holding onto the top of the entire thing. "I suggest, for one, that after we finish this escapade, we destroy this device for the greater good."

"Y-you can't do that, ze! It's a memento!" Marisa hastily defends it.

"...In that case, maybe I'll let Flandre 'borrow' it from you. You can have it back when she's dead." Remilia grinned.

Marisa pouted. "Well… hmph."

When the other two looked away from her, she smirked. Hmm…

In any case, this ride wasn't going anywhere fast. Hum de dum…

/ / / / SCREAMING BAMBOO DEATH TRAPS / / / /

As we're flying, I bring up a question. "...Wasn't there someone we met before with a plant affinity?"

Reimu knew who I was talking about instantly. "It's not her. She doesn't typically start incidents, nor ones quite like this. I know."

Hmm.

As we're flying, the girls begin smelling something.

Remilia's the first to scrunch her nose. "That's… a rather unpleasant stench."

Reimu's face grows serious. "...That's unique."

Marisa looks around. "...I dunno what you guys are talkin' about, but nothing smells particularly off to me, ze."

For once, I have to agree with Marisa, although my sense of smell has seen better days.

We were at the base of Youkai Mountain when the stench first became present.

Reimu starts drifting towards it, signalling the others to follow.

"Are we really going to approach something so… smelly?" Remilia questioned, with an apparent lack of better words.

Reimu turns to her. "I repeat: vampire of great power, or something."

"...Fine." Remilia huffs.

We start floating down over the sea of vines below.

"...That's disgusting." Remilia looks unhappy.

"Tell me about it." Reimu's face contorts into a frown.

Marisa takes a few sniffs. "...Kinda stinks, yeah. I dunno."

"Does your nose work? At all?" Reimu questions, glancing at Marisa. "Don't tell me all those magical experiments finally did away with one of your senses."

I tried sniffing as well, but I still couldn't really smell anything either.

"Eheh…" Marisa scratches the back of her head. "...Maybe?"

"...It gets more intense this way." Remilia takes the lead, floating closer towards the treetops at the base of Youkai Mountain.

"Don't dip below the trees." Reimu cautions. "The vines have a tendency to lash out at people."

"Noted." Remilia replied.

We continued for a few moments, lingering over the treetops…

And suddenly, the fire nation attacked!...

...yeah, if only. They'd be able to clean up this annoying vine problem in seconds, flat.

"...This smells terrible." Remilia emphasizes.

All of a sudden, a leaf rocketed up from the depths of the woods below, aiming for Remilia. She dodged it swiftly, which was problematic for me because it made the entire bamboo contraption I was holding onto swing around like a pendulum.

"...Could you not do that?" I request, holding on tighter than before.

Raising up from the trees below was a large plant of some description. A large, red flower was perched atop its head, and thick vines protruded from underneath it, revealed as it continued rising. On closer inspection, the plant bulb atop the vines had two very primal eyes, and a large maw of sharp teeth. Somehow.

A variety of vines rose from the ground with it aswell, flowers of different colors blooming from the tips of them.

"...What the hell is that?" Marisa questioned, jaw slowly dropping.

"Now that would make a good pizza." I point at it.

"...I'm pretty certain that's a youkai by this point, and not a plant." Reimu took some sort of posture, readying for combat.

"Hahahah…" Remilia gives her best evil laugh she could muster, I assume. "A feeble plant like this is nothing for the likes of one such as I."

The plant gives us a witty response. "Buuaaa~gh!"

...A loud belch is what that was. Not easy to put into words.

Reimu doubles back. "H-holy… crap…"

Marisa scrunches her face. "I smelt that one, though! Whew! Now I know what you guys are talking about!"

"Geh…" Remilia's eyes began watering.

I guess there was something that time, but it wasn't that bad.

"Y-you foul abomination…" Remilia pauses a moment. In her other hand, she starts charging her spear.

"Divine Spear! Spear the Gungnir!"

She then gives it a healthy toss, and as it soars towards the monster, it transforms into a laser and seemingly pierces it.

Crickle! Splat!

Sounds of foliage being abused and chlorophyll sploshing around as if it were blood fills the air.

Marisa grins. "I don't know what we're shooting at, but let's beat it up anyway!"

She raises her Mini-Hakkero, and takes aim at the plant monster. "Love Sign…"

I think we all know what comes next.

"Master… Spaaa~rk!"

Vrrrrrr!

The hum of the giant and considerably deadly rainbow laser pierces the evening's normal silence.

As it fades out, it reveals the plant creature was, in fact, still standing. It was knocked back quite a bit, exemplified by the extent the vines elongated to keep up with the knockback, but they quickly moved to bring the creature back into its former place.

Marisa pouted. "Really?"

Reimu sighed. "This might take awhile…" She pulled ofuda from god-knows-where with her free hand, and launched them at the creature.

They made contact with the exterior of it, and quickly burned into what appeared to be holy flames of some sort. The plant recoiled, but didn't look harmed otherwise.

Reimu blinks. "...I expected that to work. Either this thing has no mana, or it has a lot of mana."

... I suppose that made it my turn to act, now.

I hold my hand up, searching in my mind for that spell I learned…

Right, saw blade. That was quite a fun one to learn.

I bring my hand down, a saw blade flying in from above to make contact with the plant beast.

It connects, pleasingly.

Vrrrrr~!...rr-rr…

The blade slowly stops spinning and halts inside of it. The plant monster had lurched back for a moment when it had first made contact, but…

...Two leaf-like appendages reached up and grabbed the blade.

Shink! It was pulled out of its head. The blade was then dropped into the sea of trees and vines below.

About what I expected, really. I mean, if a Master Spark and a Gungnir didn't do shit, then I doubt some random saw blade would either.

The plant creature then began bobbing in place, and a series of petals shot up into the air and floated in place.

Reimu's eyes widened. "Marisa! Behind me!"

I slowly began working my way to the other side of this bamboo crime against humanity…

"Cautionary border!" Reimu shouted. Four ofuda flew outward, and formed the shape of a square. It suddenly lit to life in the form of a barrier, and Marisa complied and got behind Reimu.

The petals suddenly shot forward, the sound of them cutting the air audible.

Swo-woo-swoo-swoo-oo-woo-swoo-swoosh!

Reimu's barrier was the first to start getting slammed.

Chi~ng-Chi~-Chi-Chi-Chi-Chi~ng!

Next was the sound of it hitting the other side of my bamboo whatever-the-hell.

Thu-thu-thu-thu-th-thunk!

And finally…

"Ha-gugh-ag-ac-gagh-aaugh!" Remilia shouted in pain as multiple petals pierced her body.

Reimu scowled. "...I don't think we're doing enough damage to it."

"H-huaahh…" Remilia breathed out, her floating becoming awkward as she regenerated.

I looked around to the other side of the bamboo contraption, only to find only half of it was there anymore. Huh.

I suppose it was kind of a miracle that Remilia was even holding this thing at all, considering the damage both she and it sustained. Speaking of which, she was bleeding. Remilia's blood flowed down onto the device, and in a couple places it actually functioned a little like it should have- being a water thing and all, but there wasn't nearly enough blood to keep it going at all.

"Gugugh…" Remilia gurgled as he exterior wounds healed, but it was still flowing from her mouth. Her pupils came back eventually, and she spat out the blood. "Pft! Pftoo! Gah…"

She wiped her lips. "...That was… really something…"

While this transpired, the plant thing seemed idle, for whatever reason. The cut I had made on it- oh. A flower nearby was beginning to wilt, the vine holding it becoming brittle and devoid of chlorophyll. Apparently it could cannibalize its flower companions to sustain itself.

...What the hell kind of evolutionary process justifies something like this existing?

"...We could just keep hiding behind barriers, ze." Marisa suggested.

"I don't think we do enough damage to justify fighting it right now, period." Reimu argued. "...We should get someone who's an expert in pyrotechnics, they'd surely be able to handle this."

Marisa looked at Reimu disbelievingly. "Wha~t!? All our years of youkai hunting, and you're saying you can't handle this!?"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "I never said that. It'd just be easier if we could burn it instead, that's all."

...Marisa nodded. "Good point, actually. It is kind of an annoying enemy…"

Reimu turned to Remilia. "Go put the outsider some place safe. Marisa and I are going to go captu- I mean, persuade someone with fire abilities."

Remilia looked indignant. "What!? Are you saying I can't handle something like this!?"

"Do you really want a long, tiring battle with a nearly invulnerable and disgusting plant monster when we could just burn it remotely?" Reimu vainly questioned Remilia.

"...Whatever." Remilia tried to fold her arms as best as she could while still holding onto the bamboo watchamacallit. "Where am I bringing him, anyway?"

"Somewhere without vines. I don't know." Reimu began floating away, and Marisa followed suit.

"Buuaaa~gh!" The plant creature belched, again.

"That's it, human village it is then." Remilia flew away quickly, not wanting to spend another second in the presence of pizza-fodder.

/ / / / A STORY OF STORIES FROM WHICH THE STORIES WERE STORED / / / /

We close in on the village after a rather brief flight. The vines have pretty much circled the entire wall around it.

Remilia floats right down into the village square, where the already panicked villagers are even more alarmed by the sight of a bloody vampire carrying whatever-the-hell I'm hanging onto.

"Have fun." Remilia bluntly sees me off as she plops the bamboo monstrosity onto the floor. She then floats away, to parts unknown, apparently not eager to stick around. I look around and see a variety of alarmed villagers.

...Well, this is awkward.

I scramble off the device and decide to leap to the floor, as if I was grateful to be on solid ground again. I wasn't going to elaborate on this act unless anyone questioned me, however…

No takers? Good, good. I stood up and dusted myself off as the villagers continued being frantic about other things.

I look around, a bit bored of this new development. I begin walking into the street, looking around…

This was exactly what Yukari didn't want, wasn't it? Good on her for planning so far ahead. I doubt Reimu would figure out what Yukari's intentions were with that radar, either.

...Further walking around drew my eyes to a certain structure in the village, the supposed Golden Grin Casino. Unlike previous times I've passed it, it now had neon lights on the front of it, which was completely unfitting as all the other buildings were more like plywood huts in comparison.

Pretty sure they were plywood huts, too.

In any case, I began walking towards it, and two curiously dressed bunny girls were standing in front of it.

"Business is so slow, today…" complained a brown-haired bunny girl in a blue dress. I think I'll give you three guesses as to what they're wearing, and the first two don't count.

"I heard there was, like, a new incident in the wraps, or something…" explained a purple-haired and purple-dressed bunny girl. "I dunno what it is, though."

I walk up to them, but when they notice me, they move to block me. Hmm…

"Do you have an entry ticket, sir?" The blue-dressed one asks.

"Or a membership card?" asks the purple-dressed one.

Well, when you put it that way, now I want to break in. "...No, my apologies." I put a hand up, and walk away.

"...Sorry~! Come again!" The blue-dressed bunny girl waves me goodbye as I walk off.

I walk until I pass a house or so, and then I slip into the alley beside it. Like that, I work my way to the rear of the building, only to see youkai girls of various descriptions milling about around the perimeter. Troublesome, to be sure. If there's truly this much security, then perhaps something of much worth inside…

I eye a fire escape on the side of the building, leading up to what I'm pretty sure is a door. The main issue is how to get to it; it looks too high to jump onto. As fun as it would be to try and create a pile of unconscious youkai girls to climb onto, I think I'd be pacified long before I could hope to see that come to flourish…

Still, I looked to the rather quaint plywood hut to the side of it, and if I were to get a running start off that rooftop, then I'd definitely get onto it.

I try the backdoor to the plywood hut, and it's locked, as expected. Circling it, but making sure not to go to the side next to the security, I find an open window. Looking in, I duck my head down as a woman walks into the room.

"What the hell is Mark doing…?" she questioned herself. "He hasn't come out of his house for like, a week or something now. I know a lot of incidents have been happening, but…" She pouts. "That doesn't give him the right to ignore me!"

Charming.

She moves closer to the window, and sits down. That's nice.

"...I'm sure he'll talk to me again. It's not like he'd just vanish into thin air…" She sighs to herself. "...Yeah…"

...I look into the room from the window, and see her not quite paying attention to existing at the moment. Still, if I just barged in, I'm pretty sure I'd be detected.

… I look down below the window and see a table, which has a basic spool of string and some loaves of bread on it. I take a piece of bread, and eat it.

...It tastes very bland.

I could probably easily kill the woman from here, but I don't think anyone would be very happy with that development. By anyone, I mean Yukari.

...Her fault for not planning further ahead, I guess. I had to get into the house somehow, after all.

I reach into my pocket, and consider which pair to use. Pink wasn't going to cut it unless I wanted to slowly choke her to death, which would be quite sub-optimal. Fire… unless I wanted to burn down the casino next door, that was probably a bad idea. That leaves me with ol' stainless steel. Also, the rebomb fluffle, but I don't think leveling the entire block would qualify as a 'stealthy approach'.

I pull out the steel scissors as the woman sighs deeply, staring into the opposite corner of the room. "...That's life, I suppose."

If she stayed still like that, I could… hmm. If I went straight for the front of the neck, it could get messy. A backstab would be extraordinarily awkward from this position, but I think if I crammed myself into the window like a hooligan, it'd work…

And so I began the slow, dainty process of trying to fit my body into the window, making me feel like the Grinch. I actually sat my scissors down on the table next to the bread just so I could position myself into the window…

Okay…

I was like, sitting with my legs bunched on the window, and my muscles hurt from the exertion, but now a backstab was something I could consider. I lifted the scissors, and changed them to the hand near her, making sure not to compromise my already shitty balance.

Alright, I think I'm good. I lift the scissors above her back, an~d...

Shink.

"Hh-ggh…!" The woman shot forward on reflex as the scissors entered the space where her back and neck met. She then lunged forward and collapsed to the floor.

At the sudden movement, my balance was compromised, and I clumsily fell forward onto the table, and broke it.

"Shit…"

I rolled onto the floor next to her, and rested for a moment. Fluffy days.

I shamble back up, and examine the broken table. I take some of the bread and eat it again.

...It almost sickens me how plain that tastes.

I look down at the corpse of the woman and smirk a bit. Unfortunately for her, she was in my way at the time. I look down at the scissors, and between the scissors being bloody and the bread tasting like shit, I was reminded of a trope a lot of people do to try and be intimidating.

I pluck the scissors from her back, and examine the blood on the tip. I tried mimicking those people who lick the blood off their weapon…

...Ah. So, that's how it tastes.

...Like iron. Not very tasty.

"...This sucks." I state to myself. In any case, I move into the next room of the house, which featured a staircase to the upper level… which perplexed me, because from the outside this looked like a one story house.

I climbed the stairs, and suddenly realized why.

The entire second floor was apparently made for ants, or something, because it was fucking tiny.

"How the hell…" I crouch-walk my way through what I'll just consider an attic now. There was actually a futon up here. In fact, there were two futons up here…

I heard the front door open and close. Well, that was some warning, wasn't it?

A few footsteps came from below… but nothing happened for me to really consider yet. I glanced at the roof of the structure, and didn't see anything that looked like roof access. I don't think I could make one by normal means; I was not He-man, unfortunately.

I heard another door open below. "Mom, you are not going to believe what I… Mom!?"

Hehey, it's the daughter, apparently!

"M-mom, are you alright!?" I heard her drop to her knees, examining her mother. "...Mom?"

Well, that's life, I suppose.

"N-no…"

I went back to examining the roof. Oh, if only the roofs were made of plywood, too…

Sobbing was heard from the lower floor. "...I-I've gotta get somebody… U-uncle Marcus…"

The girl ran from the house.

...Well, that gave me louder options to open this roof with, at the very least.

...I thought of using the saw blades for a moment, but I don't think creating mass panic with a giant blade is a great plan of action. My thoughts drifted to my fire scissors again, and while I almost dismissed them as implausible in this situation, I then wondered if there was a sink downstairs or something.

Crouch-walking back to the stairs, I make my way down and actually examine the rest of the stairway room. There was no sink, but there were buckets filled with water. Very… resourceful, I suppose…

...Taking a bucket, I made my way back upstairs. Crouch-walking became awkward as I now had a big, clumsy tin bucket to deal with too.

...I take out my fire-scissors, and hope to hell I don't accidentally burn the place down and create an inferno of immense proportions.

I strike the ceiling with it, and a fire starts. It begins small, but eventually spreads a bit, growing in diameter.

...The fire spreads quite a bit before a hole actually begins opening up, and I start splashing some of the water to control the spread, to marginal effect. It takes a struggle, but eventually I succeed in creating a hole big enough to stand in. I stand up and notice the flames spread across most of the roof top.

...Quickly, I begin sploshing the bucket around in an attempt to control the fire with variable success. I jump up on the roof and start stomping out the remaining bits, and the entire roof looks like it was unsuccessfully hit by a serial arsonist in the end.

...It was a sloppy job, but overall, I'm satisfied. I smile and nod at the roof before me.

...Oh yeah, I was here just to get into the Golden Grin, wasn't I?

I look across the roof, and see the fire escape. I stash my scissors into my pocket, and set the bucket down. Actually, I stop and kick the bucket over, allowing the rest of the water to spill. That would become some detrimental water damage to the roof, give or take a few seasons!

...I say as if I haven't touched the roof yet.

I dash across the roof, and make the rather mediocre jump to the fire escape. I feel my legs take the blunt impact of the fall, and it's a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't a long fall by any stretch of the imagination, but that didn't mean I was physically fit by any means.

The fire escape rocks with my landing, and I tense up and hug the wall. Not like that'd do anything if I was spotted, anyway.

...I look down, and notice the guards below me not reacting at all. Not like they were really guards anyway; they seemed to be employees put on guard duty of some description. They were still chit-chatting about nothing, too.

"Did you see the latest performance? That was so~ cool!"

"You're an idiot, Sesuna-chan…"

"I'm serious~!"

Heart warming.

In any case, I slowly made my way up the fire escape. The casino stretched quite higher than the buildings around it, reaching an impressive five stories. I could make out the sun slowly rising on the horizon from here…

I finally reach what I thought was a door at the top of the fire escape, and it appears to be a grey block of marble, and not a door. It's apparently a doorway, though, because I can tell the block's supposed to be able to be moved in some way, but pressing against it yields no results.

Hmm… I've come too far to just give up, by this point. I look up, and seeing nothing featureful on the roof, I pull out my pink scissors and take a gamble; the gamble being that there's probably something up there to grapple onto…

Swinging the scissorangs around, I toss them up. Sadly, gravity doesn't really come into play and they come back to me.

Now what could I do…?

...Instead of giving a full-force throw, I throw them half-heartedly onto the edge of the building. I tug on the string, and they easily clear the edge they were stuck on and I'm forced to grab them as they clank against the guardrail of the fire escape.

Wait… that's it…

I precariously try standing on the guardrail- more like 'hugging the wall features while planting one foot on the guard rail'. The only reason this is possible is because I also have one hand on the roof…

I very cautiously bring both hands to the roof ledge, and let my legs dangle. I try with all my might to do a single pushup onto the ledge…!

"Hrrraa~gh!"

I see a pipe of some kind! I toss the boomerang scissors at it, and they wrap around it successfully. As the scissors return to me, they pull me along with them…

On closer inspection, it was an outward vent of some kind. No idea what the hell it was, though; I'm no building architect. I was just kinda guessing what it was.

...Anyhow, I did see a stairwell opening up here, so that was good. Also, skylights, but I don't think I was going to fuck with those. Falling five stories into a crowd of people wouldn't be good times for anyone, especially if I ended up dead from the fall.

I untangled my boomerang scissors from the vent-pipe-silo thing, and pocketed them. I made my way towards the stairwell opening, and began my journey inside the Golden Grin Casino.

/ / / / THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE GOLDEN GRIN, YO. / / / /

...and I already landed myself in a precarious situation on what I was going to assume was the third floor. Upon entry, I quickly found myself hiding in a broom closet with a slightly ajar door as numerous bunny girls, neko girls, and tiger girls marched around, apparently quite busy.

"Koneko-chan! Did you relay the order to Ran-sama yet?"

"No! I wanna get down with my mad funky self!"

"Koneko-chan, no! Don't-"

I heard the sounds of numerous plates smashing in the hallways.

"...God dammit, Koneko-chan. Ran-sama's gonna be pissed… We need, like, all the brooms..."

Quickly, she ran up to the closet door, and opened it, revealing herself as a white-haired tiger girl wearing a very questionable pink uniform.

I handed her a broom. "Here."

"Thanks." She then closes the closet door.

"...Seriously, Koneko-chan, what the fuck…"

...With that, I slowly creaked the door open and peeked around the corner, seeing Koneko, the aptly named neko, and whoever the tiger girl was. Koneko was pouting…

...I proceeded to open the door straight across the hall swiftly, as to not compromise myself further.

I wound up on an upper-floor section of the lobby, rails to my right ensuring the safety of the customers who attended. From here I could see a stage, which was lit up but currently not displaying any entertainment.

Up here I could see various men at tables, talking and joking merrily with one another. All of them were fairly old-looking, however…

"And so I said to her: That's not a youkai, that's my wife!"

A round of laughter from a table to my left sounded out, and I walked casually to keep up appearances. Looking below, I also saw more tables around the perimeter of the room. In the center was a dance floor, with some fluffles getting down with their funky selves, even though no music was playing; the floor was just flashing. It was also only fluffles dancing.

By dancing, I also meant 'flailing wildly'.

My brows twitched at the fluffy display, when suddenly I was tapped on the shoulder, causing me to jump.

"Oh~ ho…! Nervous, aren't you…?"

I turned around to see a blonde neko girl staring at me wryly. "You're a bit… young for this section, don't you think?"

I put my hands up. "Hey, I had the money."

She giggles. "Joking, joking…!"

Good. I was hoping this wasn't some adult section or something, because then I'd be escorted out for all the wrong reasons.

"Have you decided on a table, ye~t…?" The girl tried questioning breathily, leaning in towards my ear as she did so.

"...Yes. I was just admiring the view." While I didn't mind the attention, I came for things, not the women.

She blushes. "Oh, my! You're a bold one, hu~h…?"

...I said that the wrong way, didn't I? Well, shit.

She hugs my arm. "How about we go back to your table… and you tell me a little about yourself…?"

As fun as it would be to tell her of the crimes I've committed today, I think I would be put in a jail or something. Casino Jail, the worst kind of jail.

/ / / / CAN I HAVE SOME GOLDEN GRIN FRIES WITH THAT / / / /

I sat at my table, pretending to drink my bottle of alcohol. Even though I was just swooshing it into my mouth and back out, it still burnt like mouthwash.

"A-and then, Komikoh-cha~n was awl like 'that's my purse!' and she totawly facked his shit ahp!" The blonde neko exclaimed throwing her arms into the air, her… properties bouncing as she did so.

Despite the scene change, its probably only been like, ten minutes. That kitty downs alcohol fast.

"...Heartwarming. Did I ever tell you about the times I killed two people?" I state nonchalantly.

"Hahahah! Oh~, yah too funny…" The neko girl swoons.

Looks like I was not going to Casino Jail today.

The white-haired tigeress from before walks up to the table. "Hey, Kirino-chan! What the he-" She pauses, noticing me. "I-I mean, what the heck are you doing!? Your shift was ten minutes ago!"

Am I really that young in appearance? Surely not.

"He~y Komokitomoko...chan-san-sama! Aye wash hangin' wit my goo~d bud… Hish name ish…" She trailed off, still unknowing of my name.

"It's Komoko, you piece of sh-sheetrock, I mean…" Komoko takes this opportunity to compose herself. "...I don't care, you should have asked someone else to take care of the customer, not get yourself drunk off your ass again!" Komoko realizes what she said, and covers her mouth.

I'm just going to assume it's professionalism, and it probably is.

"...S-sorry, sir, I have to, uh, take this employee back…" Komoko apologizes to me, dragging Kirino away.

"Bububut I wahnt beer!" Kirino protests as she is dragged away.

...Well, that was eventful. I stand from my table, and stretch my legs a bit. I move back towards the railing, and look down at the lower levels. There's another floor below us of a similar setup, and above us there were multiple large windows that display the night sky. I saw the skylights from here as well. Looking up and to the left from my side of the building, I see a large glass platform with purple furnishing upon, unlike the scarlet and maroon decor of the rest of the club. I recognized two familiar figures, but I could not hear their conversation from here…

What I could make out was that Yuyuko had a large assortment of food sat out for her, and Yukari was there too.

...Probably wouldn't be the best idea to screw with them, so let's not do that.

...A show was starting regardless, so there was that.

...Fluffles began moving onto the stage. Alright, fuck this.

I move to leave the section, and walk back out into the halls the girls were in before. There's a lot less traffic, and no one seems to be really batting an eye to my presence.

I walk down the halls, take a right, and find myself with a few options. The door to the left, to the right, or the stairwell ahead…

I decide to take the stairwell down to the ground level, and make my way towards the doors that lead to- what I'm pretty sure- was the edges of the stage's rear.

I enter the backstage area, and there were a few employees on lights and on panels. A fox girl with many tails was conversing with a rather decorated employee near the stairs that lead up to the panels, although I did notice doors on the upper levels.

"...Don't be so stressed out, Ran-sama." The decorated employee was a bunny girl. Her outfit had fancy shoulder pads and everything. "I'm sure the show will be a great hit with your mistress."

"...I hope you're right…" Ran Yakumo sighs deeply, and she idly looks around at the rafters above. I'm pretty sure that if anyone were to recognize the fact I shouldn't be down here, it'd be her.

I double back and try my approach again from the upper level, and succeed in accessing the rafters. Multiple neko girls were managing the panels that control it, as if it were daunting task. I walk past them and make my way to the stairway that leads to the higher rafters, which unfortunately didn't have door access from anywhere. I eventually reached the top, where I was above the curtains but also above the viewing window of the stage.

Some bunny girls were up here, managing the lights, but there was only like two of them, and they were chatting back and forth to one another.

"Why did we get stuck on sodding light duty?"

"Hey, at least we can go around saying we're the guardians of light now!"

"...I fucking hate you, Momo-chan."

"Hehehe~!"

I look down and see the fluffle ragtime show take place. It's literally just a ring of fluffles running around, kicking their legs up in the air. There's not even music.

...Who the hell produced this!?

...I had an idea, however…

I reached into my sack, and took out the bottle of ink. I tore the cap off, and poured it down onto the stage below.

Pit-patter-patter-patter…

The ink collided in direct course of the fluffle... dancing ring. Quickly, fluffles the ink landed on began freaking out, and the ones that stepped in the puddle began slipping and sliding around, the stage getting stained and the fluffles undergoing turmoil.

"Waa~l!" they wailed, slipping around, and a few of them flailing wildly.

"What the hell!?" roared Ran from below. Quickly, I felt the entire rafter structure vibrate as Ran stomped up steps.

The bunny girls jumped in fright from the sudden noise, and during this I tossed the ink bottle and its cap at them, separately.

They reacted on instinct and caught them, one of the girls getting ink on her dress. "H-hey!"

I took this opportunity to look for some sort of an escape. I saw a few of the ropes that held the stage curtains, and I decided to hop onto one. It began lowering with my weight, and the curtains to the stage… were not dropping with me as I had anticipated. I kinda counted on that, as it was present in various other works of fiction, but um...

"What did you bitches do!?" It was still worth it to hear Ran pissed, though.

I eventually touched down with the floor, and let go of the rope. I don't know what the hell it did, but-

The curtains dropped. And by dropped, I mean they outright fell down, taking a bar of the rafters with them. They crashed to the floor, crushing a few fluffles.

The fluffles turned to me in their rage, a few attacking each other, and I brandished my flame scissors.

"En garde!" I taunt the fluffles, and they charge at me. I jab forward at one that lept at me, which was forced to fall to the floor and burn as a result.

Three other fluffles clung to me, and they were fluffy, for one thing. I shook my leg to get them off, and one leaped right into its burning friend, which meant a burning fluffle was trying to re-attach itself to me. I kicked it in the face, which did not deter it, so I kicked it again. Eventually, I just settled for a risky crouch-and-stab maneuver.

...By now, I had like five fluffles stuck to me, so I just pocketed my scissors and began flailing wildly, ripping at them until they got off me. After a long and grueling fest of flailing, my human capabilities won out and I successfully ripped apart all the unarmed fluffles.

...I stare at the silent audience, and down at the fluffles on the dance floor, who were staring at me expressionlessly.

I grin and bow. "Thank you for viewing our performance…"

...The guys at all the tables begin clapping, and so do any employees on the field.

I look up at Yukari.

...and she's looking pissed.

The wood flooring of the stage begins to burn, so I think it'd be a very prime time to fucking book it!

I leap from the stage and onto the dance floor, and the fluffles move to intercept me. I just rip off whichever tries to actually cling to me, and most of the fluffles fail to.

I leap from the dance floor, and proceed towards the exit. I slam open the glass doorway, and stop in front of the two youkai standing guard outside.

"Hey, you two! I had a lot of fun! Thank you for letting me in!" I shook one of their hands, and then ran off into the street.

…The blue-dressed bunny girl raises a brow. "What."

Her friend shakes her head. "I think we've been standing out here too long…"

That's when I fell into a gap.

/ / / / YOU DONE DID PISSED IT AWAY, CAP'N / / / /

"How did you get here? You shouldn't be here." Yukari immediately demanded as I was plopped down in a chair.

I put my arms on the table and sighed. "...Now this is a story all about how… my life got flipped, turned upside down!"

"..." Yukari scowls at me.

I shrug. "Look, what the hell even was that show? The Fluff-time Ragtime?"

I look between Yuyuko, and Yukari. Yuyuko's not even smiling, which is a tad bothersome, as that probably meant bad times friend ahead.

"How did you get past the youkai employees?" Yukari asked.

I threw my arms up. "More like how could I not get past? They weren't exactly the paranoid type."

"What about Ran? She was the one whom was supposed to be overseeing the show…" Yukari was seething.

"...I found ways." I state vaguely, smirking.

"...Tell me those ways." Yukari demands.

"Well, they were very careful and deliberate actions, for one thing." I add helpfully.

"If you don't tell me, I'll find out anyway." Yukari threatens.

I shrug. "Not like I'll need access to your silly little fun club regardless."

Another chair is gapped in, and suddenly, Satori Komeiji is dropped into it. She wasn't even awake, clad in her pajamas.

"..." Yukari stares at her. "...Not what I had in mind."

She leans over the table and slaps Satori in the face… which just results in her falling to the floor.

...Oh, it woke her up, too. "Hmph? Ou~ch…" Satori groaned from the floor. "W-where…"

She was gapped back into her chair in the upright position. Yukari was apparently impatient today.

"...Komeiji, I expect your full cooperation right now." Yukari demands of her.

"S-so many voices… I don't like this dream…" Satori rests her head on the table.

I nod at Satori. "...Maybe you should interrogate me in the morning."

Yukari gaps in an air horn.

Bwa-Bwa-Bwa-Bwaaaah!

"Wake up!" Yukari barks.

Satori shoots up in her seat. "W-wah!?"

"Look, it's very simple…" Yukari begins. "Read his mind for us."

Satori blinks. "O-okay…?"

I wonder how that's supposed to work. I suppose I'll just start thinking about the lyrics to-

"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, since I just referenced that…" "Satori vocalized my internal monologue- and holy shit this is getting trippy." "I attempted to elaborate on Satori's quotation, but she proceeded to quote my elaboration. Oh, shit."

"...I think from now on, I'll just ignore if Satori says my internal monologue." "I decided."

"Yukari sighs deeply." "...This was not what I was expecting."

"Well, that's just too bad, isn't it?" "Yukari glares at Satori, but then glares at me." "Oh, that was your thought, wasn't it?" "Yukari narrows her eyes at me."

Satori blinks, and holds her head. "T-that… was unique. Almost like reading a book, or something."

And this just got really meta.

"...What do you mean?" Satori tilted her head at me.

Oh, crap, she can still read my internal monologue!

"...It doesn't just go away when I stop vocalizing it. In fact, I hardly ever vocalize it." Satori explains, a bit annoyed.

Yukari slams her hands on the table. "Now, how did you get in here?"

Fluffy days. Also, your security sucks!

"...Fluffy days. Your security sucks too, apparently." Satori explains.

"Tch…" Yukari looks away, frowning. "...Alright, then… No more questions."

That's fine by-

"Did you kill anyone today!?" Yukari shouts, slamming her hands again.

"No." I say. I don't know what direction this is taking.

Satori begins to open her mouth, but Yukari gaps her finger in front of her lips to silence her.

"...Trick question. I can smell the blood." Yukari grins.

Oh. Right. I forgot about that.

Satori looks at me funny.

I shrug. "What? It's a living."

With that, Satori is gapped away. "Hwa~h!"

I grin. "...You still don't know how I got in."

Yukari opens a gap, and stares into it. She pans the gap around for me to see it, and shows me the house right next to the casino. From the gap, I see numerous town guardsmen investigating the property. The gap then shifts to the corpse; more specifically, the scissor wound in the back. Next, it pans to the fire damage.

"...I think I know how you got in, now." Yukari stared at the gap for a while longer before closing it.

"...Oh, dear…" Yuyuko frowns at what she sees.

I raise my arms back behind my head. "...All in a day's work. What did you expect?"

Yukari grins. "...Saying things like that. Talking as if your actions were a game, and if you were above consequences. You would make an excellent youkai, you know?"

I shake my head. "Offer respectfully declined."

"I wasn't offering." Yukari leaned forward on the table. "...And to think that I thought it a remotely plausible idea to drop you off with the Hakurei."

I shrug. "Well, technically, she sent me here as a result of the events of the incident. My hands are-"

"The only reason you're alive right now is because Yuyuko thinks you can change."

...That's funny.

Yuyuko is still frowning as she chips in. "...Have you ever heard the saying… that even the worst kind of person can still change?"

I like how I'm already considered the worst kind of person. I'm sure that despite my downsides, there are worse people than me.

"Depends on what you mean by change." I grin.

Yukari is still all frowny faces. "...I dislike wildcards, as shocking as it might seem. Particularly when they are not in my favor…"

...Oh, yeah. "Maybe you should have actually taught Reimu how to use that radar." I add.

"I had hoped she would figure it out on her own. I guess the Hakurei intuition is a thing of the past." Yukari's getting salty.

"Even if she did, I don't think she gave much of a shit." I continue adding.

"Then maybe the Hakurei are growing less responsible." Yukari argued.

…"I actually can't argue with that." I kinda agree there, not that that's a bad thing, mind you. Makes my life easier.

...We sit in a lovable moment of silence.

"...Don't let me down." Yuyuko insists.

"No promises." I rattle off instantly.

"...I'll take this into consideration." Yukari states. "...I don't want to hibernate for the winter with someone like him running around Gensokyo."

Say what now? She hibernates?

"...Actually, I guess I will promise you something." I look at Yuyuko in the eyes. If I can get free-roam during her hibernation period, I'd have a seriously great time.

Anyhow, bullshit mode, go! "...I-I wanna stop killing people." I let my expression fall as I gaze at Yuyuko.

"I-I think it'd be best if I changed… to relieve this deep, dreadful suffering plaguing my very existence." I slowly put my hand over my mouth as I said this.

"I… only hurt people around me, and it makes them despise me. I'm not sure if I want to continue living like this, unable to control myself..." And I finally look down at the table while letting my eyelids droop.

Yuyuko looks hopeful.

Yukari scowls at me. "...If you let my best friend down… you're going to have a bad time."

C'mon Yukari… I know where that quote is from! I already beat him, too!

"I-I'll try not to let you down, Yukari." I'm almost a bit guilty from how gullible Yuyuko is behaving right now, but I think Yukari smells my bullshit from a mile away. Still, it's getting somewhere, and I can't help but let loose a sinister grin while my mouth is still covered by my hand.

With that, I was gapped away.

/ / / / UR GONNA HAVE A BATH, TIM. / / / /

Yuyuko and Yukari turn to each other the moment he's gone.

"...Do you believe a word of what he says?" Yukari looks at her friend skeptically.

Yuyuko shakes her head. "...Truthfully, no, but I'm hopeful there was an ounce of truth to his words. I think he just needs time."

Yukari smiles. "Hah. Time."

/ / / / CHAPTER END GUFF / / / /

CHAPTER 21.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(2 more empty spaces)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a really fun chapter to write overall

i feel like it really portrayed matt well as like, a villain in a way, as well as show off some fun scenarios and it really actually felt like a chapter in the midst of stuff and things

i got to show off some fun settings and demonstrate that yes, incident things are infact happening in the background

i also kinda wanna reflect upon that OBVIOUS ASSPULL at the end of this chapter where matt should have been DEAD TO RIGHTS BY STANDARD DEFINITION… the main reason he's not is because plot armor and the continuation of fun times; not just gonna kill off my people anticlimactically, yo. like i've said before, tryin'a be transparent with you guys

as always, see you next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

quite the satisfying chapter, this one. personal favorite of all my appearances thus far

i found the beginning kinda slow to start, but it picked up after entering the human village (almost to ridiculous degrees in the middle of it)

the guy up top wanted to make a "WOW IM AN EVIL BASTARD OH PLEASE NO" kind of scenario, and i wanted the contrary… so we got this instead. it was like, the completely opposite direction of his intentions. and i like it.

it only gets worse from here on out.

see ya later, don't die before then