(in which we have a marching band accident)

Walking along the lake, Ha-chan and I see some fairy friends!

"...Well, I guess everything turned out alright in the end…" Daiyousei murmured.

Cirno grinned, moving her hands to her hips. "They musta been too scared of Frost Fairy Warrior Cirno!"

Cirno, your arrogance is showing.

"...Sure." Daiyousei went from timid to vaguely annoyed faster than one might snap their fingers.

Ha-chan waves at them. "Hello~! Friends!"

Ha-chan, please don't.

Cirno and Daiyousei start floating over. Dammit.

"Hey there, fellow ice fairy! Have my lessons proved your might yet?" Cirno greets Ha-chan.

"N-not really, Cirno-senpai…" Ha-chan timidly mutters. "...You see, I-I don't think I'm actually an ice fairy…"

Cirno shakes her head, frowning. "...Look. Buddy, buddy, buddy… you can't be one if you think like that! You gotta put time and effort into it! I know you'll cast your first ice danmaku someday!"

Ha-chan smiles sheepishly. "Ahah…"

Dude… "Cirno, do you know the old one-two?" I ask her.

"I don't have to tie these shoes!" Cirno gestures to her shoeless feet.

Daiyousei taps her on the shoulder. "Cirno-chan, you don't wear shoes…"

I shake my head. "No, no, no, yo. The old one-two fightin' style, yo!"

I just used 'yo' twice in a single line of text. Help. I'm even worse than Marisa when she says 'ze'.

Cirno scoffs. "Pffft… Of course I know the old one-two! Who do you think invented fighting?"

Uhhh… Sun-Tzu? Reimu Hakurei?

"Me!" Cirno proudly thrusts a thumb to her chest. "Eye invented fighting, and perfected it, so no one could beat me in the ring of honor!"

Daiyousei giggles. "T-that you did, Cirno…"

"Did eye ever tell you of that time eye got two of every type of fairy to play in the lake, and eye-"

As fun as this story was… "Hey, Cir-"

"Froze every single one!" Cirno cheered, disregarding my attempt to interrupt her.

...If you had two of every single type of fairy, wouldn't there be ice fairies in there too? Whatever, look… "Cirno, if you know the ol' one-two, why doncha show me?"

Cirno furrows her brows. "...Um…"

I start rolling my fists. "Yo, it's like…" I roll one into my stomach, stopping it before I punch myself, "One!" and I roll the other into my face. "Two!"

Cirno grins. "Easy!" She begins rolling her fists… "O~ne- oouch…" She punched herself hard in the stomach apparently. She resumed rolling her fists, and hit herself in the face, sending herself sprawling to the floor.

"Gah!"

I nod in satisfaction. "You are truly a martial arts master. I am humbled by your presence."

Daiyousei giggles.

"E-eye'm the strongest!" Cirno proudly declares from the floor. "...That technique sucks, though…"

I begin walking, finished with this encounter. "Let me know when you master it!" I call back to Cirno as I walk away, Ha-chan in pursuit.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I watch as various fairies lazily work to rebuild the Hakurei Shrine. Gee, I wonder what happened to it this time…?

...I think that, but I know quite well what happened.

Reimu lazily sits on the stone path outside the shrine as she oversees the fairies as they do their work. Marisa seems to also be here, bossing around the fairies.

"Hey, beam G goes to connector G! The process is optimized, ze! No, don't-!"

I saw a whole section of rebuilt walling collapse inward towards the pile of rubble that was already present.

"...Damn." Marisa sighs, bringing her hands to her head. "What the hell…"

Reimu sighs. "That's nice…"

I walk up to her and sit down next to her. "Hello, friend."

"Hey." She looks over to me. "...Where were you this last incident? I thought you were trying to compete for glory for awhile there."

I grin. "Well, let's just say that I've acquired a story… for glory!"

I whirl around to Ha-chan, who is idly standing behind me watching the fairies. "Ha-chan, cue the fanfare!"

She looks around confused.

"The fanfare! Ha-chan, do it!"

She tilts her head, shrugging.

"J-just clap your hands or something…"

She starts clapping frantically.

"Yea~h! Woo!" I pump my arms.

Some of the fairies working on the construction stop working and begin clapping for no reason.

"That's right, yo, round of applause!" I pretend to bow while sitting down, which is uncomfortable but necessary!

Reimu turns to me, frowning. "Hey hey, you're distracting the laborers. Knock it off."

Alright, alright. "Ha-chan, hold your applause!"

...I find out that Ha-chan left her spot and had gone to go join the other fairies in their clapping. Soon, all the worker fairies stopped working and had began clapping. It became hard to hear anything over the, uh…

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

Woah, no.

"...Look what you've done…" Reimu facepalms.

"W-what the hell!? I can't hear myself thi~nk!" Marisa shouts at the fairies.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

Eheh… I stand up. "Whelp, it's time for me to hit the ol'... dusty trail…" I trail off, beginning to back away slowly.

Reimu grabs my ankle. "Not after this mess you made, you aren't!"

Woah, no! I try to move away, but Reimu's grip forces me to just trip and fall instead.

"Oof…" I break my fall with my arms, leaving red marks on them. Thanks, Reimu!

"Fix it, or I'll fix you." Reimu threatens.

I stand up, and Reimu lets go of my ankle. Now I looked at the crowd of clapping fairies, and I had ideas…

"Hey Reimu, do you have any kitchenware?"

She bobs her head back and forth. "A little. Why?"

Hmmm, that's not good enough…

"We're gonna need a lot." I provide. "Perhaps we should ask the Scarlets for some fine silverware…" I propose. I just realized something… Do Remilia and Flandre dine with silverware? Is it actually silver, or do they use the cheap iron everyone else ever uses? Wouldn't silverware burn them? Waa~u…

"...Is it really that imperative?" Reimu vainly stares at me.

I nod. "Yeah, super important."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There we are… The kitchen is nearly finished.

Walking into it, I look to the left and see Komi, Namori, and Koi suspiciously eying a few bags of sugar.

"...T-those other guys were having lo~ts of fun…" Namori mutters, contemplating the unthinkable act of ripping open the sugar and sploshing about in it like a maniac.

Komi turns away and scoffs. "Such an act… would be unbecoming of me…" ...She then brings her hands to her face. "B-but I want to…"

I walk up behind them. "Get back to work, you slackers."

"K-kyaaa~h!" Namori jumps.

"H-huh!?" Komi flinches.

"Yeaa~h!" Koi dashes towards the sugar.

Time… stop!

I walk forward towards the sugar, and stand in front of Koi. I take a knife out and hold it in my left hand, fully extending it outward.

Time… start!

Shink!

"A-ah…" Koi ran straight into the silver knife. "N-no fair…"

She walked backward, before dropping back onto her ass. "A-ahah…"

Troublesome children… "That sugar is not for throwing around like it were a pillow. That sugar is for consumption."

Suddenly, a familiar voice causes me to freeze in place.

"Yaa~hooo~!" Marisa yells as she rockets into the kitchen. "Where's the forks? Where's the knives?... Where's the sporks!?"

Brad leaps off her broom and starts ripping open drawers. "Found the spoons!" He poured the spoons into his sack.

T-they're trashing the kitchen! I toss knives towards Marisa, but she weaves through the waves.

Marisa grins wryly. "Found the knives!"

Brad opens a cupboard. "Found the pots and pans!" He begins scooping them into his sack.

Time… stop!

I walk towards Brad. He apparently shot his eyes towards me, as if he knew I was going to stop time. I wouldn't be entirely surprised.

I meticulously position a wave of knife danmaku in front of him. No matter which way he moves, I don't think he can avoid that.

I throw some waves towards Marisa, mostly because I know that she knows all of my cheaper snares. Bleh.

Time… start!

"Oh, shi-aaauuugh!" Brad wails as he's pelted by knife bullets, sending him sprawling to the ground.

"Shit! I need the oaf, ze!" Marisa pretty much ignored my knives and started making her way towards Brad. "He's mission critical!"

I can't let that happen! I toss thin streams at Marisa with haste, but it doesn't seem to do much good.

Marisa hops off her broom next to Brad, and aims her mini-hakkero at me…

Oh, fuck me.

"Not another move, ze!"

Act cool… "...I can avoid such a card with ease. Do you take me for a fool?" I sneer at Marisa.

Marisa nods. "Yeah, I do. 'Cause I know you're trying to rebuild stuff. Would be a real shame if something happened to, say…" She looks around the room. "...That stove over there. How much that cost?"

Ah, the cheap stove. Thank god. "...I-it's very expensive, you see…"

Marisa nods… "...Not buyin' it. Besides, this spark'll just trash everything! No need to discriminate!"

No!

Brad latches to Marisa's ankle. "Marisa… before I die, yo… I wantcha ta know…"

Marisa's eyes go wide. "D-die!? You can't die, now! Reimu's gonna be pissed! You still didn't tell me what the hell we're stealing silverware for!"

Brad's voice raised. "I wantcha ta know!..."

"What!?" Marisa shouts, now fully focused on him.

"...Reimu has sexy armpits." With that, Brad closed his eyes. Danmaku wasn't lethal, so he wasn't dead, that I was sure of.

Marisa pauses. Then, she begins giggling. It slowly transitions to ballistic laughter.

"Hahahahah! Ohh- hahaha! That's rich, ze! Hahaha!"

...Well. "...Look, witch. I'll let you go if you hand the boy over to me."

Marisa lifts Brad and clumsily dumps him onto the broom- "Oof! Hey, watch the corpse, lady!" -and turns to me with a cheeky expression.

"Sorry, yo. I gotta go bury the dead, and stuff. Also…" Marisa takes the sack from Brad and pulls out more shelves, and dumps them in. I react quickly, dashing towards her, but she hops on her broom.

"Comet! Blazing Star!"

That's bad. Really bad.

The back of her broom begins charging with magical energy. Dashing, I toss knives, knowing that they'd at least get there faster than I could. Stopping time to get in her way would only end poorly if she ended up taking off anyway.

...In retrospect, I could have just stopped time to make her a pincushion versus charging her, but I already didn't know how much damage was enough to begin with…

Fwwoo-OOOM!

Eaaagh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Marisa took off like a rocket, the magical blast produced by the spell completely obliterating the kitchen behind her. Poor Sakuya… she was gonna need a freakin' breather after that one.

Speaking of, this spell was loud.

-OOOOOO-

Ouch.

-OOOoooo-

My ears…

-ooom-oom-m-mm…

...It finally died down!

Marisa started talking, I think. I can't hear her, though. Pain.

"I wish I brought earplugs. By the way, I can't hear you speak, I'm deaf at the moment." I ramble out.

I see Marisa laughing.

...Slowly, the sounds of wind come back to me.

"...-ze." Marisa finished a sentence, apparently!

"Could you repeat that? I think I heard it…" I ask her.

"...You get. Used to it. Ze." Marisa slowly pronounced her sentence like I was fookin' stoopid.

Right… "Remind me to snag some ear muffs or plugs or somethin'..."

...We're already like, halfway to the Hakurei Shrine. I'd be lying if I said that spell wasn't effective.

"...What did you even need silverware for?" Marisa asks the fun question.

"Stuff." I answer.

"...I repeat: what did you even need silverware for?" Marisa wasn't taking no for an answer.

"And things." I elaborated.

Marisa groaned. "...You're gonna have to tell Reimu, at least."

"Don't worry, yo. Don't worry." O~h, boy!

...My muscles still hurt like hell from that barrage of knives. Sakuya really turned me into a pincushion there! I clumsily felt my limbs wrapped around the broom. If I had the neck strength to look up right now, I'm sure I'd see a perfect view of Marisa's bum. Maybe if I tried hard enough…

Hnnngh! Dang…

Hnn~gh! Darn it…

"Huuaaaah!" I roared, desperately trying to crane my neck to view Marisa's ass. I had marginal success in getting a glimpse, but the position was too uncomfortable to hold. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

"Don't hurl back there! I just paid off the loan on this thing!" Marisa shouts back to me.

Broom loans!

We neared the Hakurei Shrine, the roar of clapping slowly getting louder.

Marisa turned around and nudged me off the broom, and I landed on the dirt next to Reimu.

"A-aah…" I weakly gasped. Bad times friend ahead.

Reimu had her ears covered. "I don't care what, just do something!"

...I would, but I'm in no position to exist in the waking world right now. "...Help, friend." I mutter from the dirt.

"...Marisa, what the hell did you do!?" Reimu shouted over the clapping.

Marisa flew back over us and dropped my sack on me, which gently floated down to land on my back.

"It was the maid! She got him good, ze, she got him good!" Marisa kneeled down next to me for dramatic effect. "He was a brave soldier. His legacy will live on!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MARISA'S PERSPECTIVE ====

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

We can deal with the clap storm later. First, we have loots!

Let's see, let's see…

I pluck that neat bag off of Brad while he lays numbly on the floor. I don't think he'll be needing this at the moment!

"H-health potion, yo…" he requests.

He had some of those? Maybe he was smarter than I thought…

"But first, let me see if you have anything to exchange for my services…" I cheekily grinned as I dug into his bag.

Reimu groaned. "Is now the time to be conning people, Marisa?"

Pffft. "It's always the time to be conning people, Reimu. You should know that better than anybody."

"...Shut up." Woo! Take that, Reimu!

I reach into the sack, and pull out some kinda plant hanger…

"Woah, what the hell is this one?" It was all blue and silvery and stuff!

"...It looks like… that water one from earlier? It's a bit different, though…" Reimu tilted her head.

I twist the valve-

Fwoooosh!

...I turn it back around, my hat drooping and soaked on my head.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

That clapping was annoying.

"Yeah, I don't think I want this, ze." I stuff it back into the bag. Digging around, I find…

"...This looks tacky." I comment. It was a white and gold hanger of some kind, with holy inscriptions on it.

Reimu nodded. "It looks more for decoration purposes than for actual efficient combat."

...Reimu, it's a plant hanger. I think all these incidents have been getting to you…

I detect a spell imbued in it! Time to charge it up…!

Flash!

...I blink as my vision slowly returns. "...That sucks, too."

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

"...Do you have any good hangers in here? Like, ones that aren't entirely counterproductive?" I complain. I'm pissed! I expected him to have treasure and crap, not these stupid paddywhacks!

Finally, I take out some mechanical looking plant hanger, if you could call it that. Latches, locks, and pulleys… this thing was ugly from a decorative perspective. Too much machinery!

"What… is this?" I'm not sure what I'm looking at, but that look on Brad's face tells me this is probably something important. "...A key item, I see? Very good…" I raise it up and pretend to throw it to the ground, causing Brad to twitch. "Hahaha!"

This thing had magically activated effects too. Interesting…

Charging it, it shot out a single danmaku bullet after eating only far too much mana to be efficient.

"...This is all crap." I sigh. Whatever it is, it can screw off. I toss it at the floor…

Blam!

"Aaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I watch Marisa fly across the lawn from the blast before she crashes into one of the walls of the shrine, forcing it to fold in and collapse.

I turn back to Brad, who was also launched by the explosion. I don't think he was even conscious now.

"H-help…" Marisa raised a hand from the pile of paper and wood that once was the shrine's wall.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

The clapping only made the situation worse.

...Somehow, both my friends managed to totally destroy each other, and we weren't even fighting anything except our own incompetence.

I sigh. "...You guys are hopeless."

I move towards Marisa, and when I get to her I begin to pull her from the wreckage.

...Hnnh…

She was wedged in pretty good…

Hnngh!

Plunk!

Well, she's out. Technically.

Marisa pouts. "...This sucks." She looked like a hermit crab, with her bum jammed into a wooden square, forcing her to hunch over and walk like a midget.

I shake my head, smiling. "You brought that upon yourself."

"How was I supposed to know the thing was rigged!?" Marisa tried to pry the wood frame off her rear, to little avail. "...Help me out, here!"

I shake my head. "You're more manageable like that."

I walk over to Brad, who was in fact unconscious. "...You fucking idiot."

I blink. Did that really just come out of my mouth? It feels like deja vu for whatever reason…

I lift him up and walk back towards the shrine.

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

That was still going on, by the way. They were having a blast. The time of their never-ending lives.

"...At least give me some ear plugs…" Marisa submits to her fate of being a hermit crab.

"It's a good thing they burned in the fire, huh?" I sneer.

"You need to build the shrine from stone, ze. Maybe it'd stop burning down. Did you remember to unplug the toaster?"

Pfft. "Are you kidding? Stone is such a troublesome material… I'd have to get it sculpted, and painted, and then the rain would screw it all up… eehhh…"

Also, what the hell was a toaster? I'm not sure if I wanted to know. I've heard Yukari speak of them before, but…

Marisa blinks. "Dude… Reimu, you're Reimu. Just go beat up Suwako and make her build you a stone temple or something. It can even be filled with deadly dart traps and stuff! Oooh, oooh- make it so the front staircase drops a gaint boulder on people!" she finishes excitedly.

Really, now… "Am I trying to kill guests, or what? The shrine doesn't need defenses like that."

...I was tempted to go beat up Suwako so she'd make me a fireproof shrine, though, I'll admit.

"Then why did it burn down to begin with?" Marisa made that annoying 'no way I lost this argument' face she likes to do when she gets heated. "Exactly."

...She might have a point. "I don't know, it could have been Suika doing something stupid while she was drunk again. It wouldn't be the first time."

Marisa rolls her eyes. "Yeah, okay."

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

I was tempted to just go beat the everloving shit out of the fairies by this point.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I'm alive!

I sit up slowly, my muscles aching again. Man, I've just been getting owned these past few scenes, yo…

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

What the fuck? Why!? That's still going on!?

I was sitting on the shreds of a futon, apparently. Reimu was beside me, drinking tea and glaring into space. Marisa was behind her, trying to use her broom to wedge a frame of wood from her butt.

...I don't even know what happened, but I think we got our asses kicked. I don't remember much after that explosion… or anything at all. Oh, wait, that's right! Marisa wanted to steal my crap, but it exploded, and uh, yeah...

ClapClapClapClapClapClap!

I really had to get my ass in gear!

"Alright, time to put my plan into action, yo…" I crack my knuckles, which actually works 'cause I haven't really done it since this fanfic began!

Reimu glances towards me. "...Oh, right. You were supposed to do something about this, weren't you?"

I nod. "Yo, I'm workin' on it, I'm workin' on it."

I say 'yo' way too much, but it sounds so fun…!

"...I'll take your word for it." Reimu glances to Marisa. "You, help him do the things."

"I'm trying to help myself at the moment!" Marisa irately snaps back, still struggling to remove the wooden frame.

I grin. "Y'know, I could help her-"

"No. You're too busy. Go be busy." Reimu grins.

Please, no. "...I-I'm not that-"

"Go on, shoo." Reimu waves her hand at me.

"...You win this time…" I grumble. I suppose it was time to put my plan into action…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I smile at the results!

Clang! KlinkKlinkKlink! Bwaa~ng! Bwaa~ng!

Clang Clang Clang!

"What the hell's with all this noise!?" Reimu yells, marching towards me.

I grin. "They're not clapping any more, friend."

You know those pots, pans, and assorted cutlery?

Bang Bang Bang! Bwaa~ng!

"B-but…" Reimu looked at the assorted instruments the fairies were all playing, brows furrowing. "...This was your plan all along wasn't it?"

I nod. "Yeah." Satisfaction…

It was now a fairy marching band!

"Yeaa~y!" Ha-chan cheers in joy as she waves her marching staff around, which is comprised of some charred ofuda and a broken beam of the shrine. They weren't necessarily marching, more like 'haphazardly roaming while creating noise', but y'know...

Clang! KlinkKlinkKlink! Bwaa~ng! Bwaa~ng!

Clang Clang Clang!

Marisa was still stuck. "...I dunno whether to be pissed at you, or be amused that Reimu's pissed at you, ze."

Now that I thought about it, her saying 'ze' is a lot like going 'ye' this day and age. Marisa just did it before it was cool.

...Fridge logic!

It was this moment that I decided to reflect upon the beautiful blue sky. Not a cloud in sight, yo. Y'know, looking at the sky always makes me-

Thwack!

"You idiot!" Reimu shouted.

Thwack!

Pain!

Thwack!

Woah, no!

Thwack!

Aaaahhh~, aaaahhh~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Reimu, Marisa, and I sat atop a pile of rubble. All the fairy friends died.

"Help, no." I monotone.

"...I think I'll have Suika organize the next fairy construction session…" Reimu thought aloud.

Marisa glared at Reimu, indignant. "Hey, it wasn't my fault that-"

"Because chances are, the fairies won't look at you the same way now, having been inducted into a marching band and promptly slaughtered." Reimu deadpanned.

Marisa twitched. "...Nyeehh…"

I just realized… "The Hakurei Shrine caught the clap, yo. No wonder it fell apart." I grin and look at Reimu for her reaction.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the bottom of the Hakurei Shrine's trademark giant stone staircase, a sandal print embedded in my ass, or so I assumed.

It was like sunset, now. I spent too much of my day dead from the neck up!

Where could I go from here? Ha-chan was slaughtered with the others in what I'd like to dub the Great Fairy Marching Accident of whenever-the-hell we were. It's still two-thousand fifteen, right?

Hyonk.

...I could try going to Yuuka for that 'reward', but I think I need an adult to do that. The village probably wants to lynch me to various extents, and Eientei… is probably decent right now. I might go there, actually…

Also, screw climbing Youkai Mountain. Kanako better invent those teleporting statues from Majora's Mask or I'm going to seldom come up there.

"...Haa~h!" I hear someone exhale loudly nearby!

I turn to the source of the noise, and find myself looking at a woman with long green hair, a pale blue ghost tail, and a blue… dress, thing. I'm not a fashionista.

She looks towards the shrine from her position at the bottom of the stairs near me, and shakes her head. "...All that time sneaking under the staircase, and the place just fell over? Seriously?"

She looks towards me. "You passing by, or did you come from the shrine?"

...Times that I wish I had a Twix bar…

This woman is obviously Mima… just Mima. No known last name! It'd be hard to have not known of her. Why did she decide to pop up just now?

"...Hmm. No answer. Look, guy, I'm not a youkai… that you need to be afraid of, anyway. At the moment." Oh, okay. Seems legit!

...You're lucky I've already lost my marbles, ghost girl, or I'd have been running for the hills like a sane village hooligan. "...I may have come from the shrine."

Mima nods. "You're not a youkai, that much is obvious. What the hell happened up there? Last time I checked, Reimu wouldn't even let the oni so much as chip the tea table, let alone let some youkai burn down the shrine."

She knew Reimu apparently, so that was fluffy. Now the question is… do I tell her the ugly truth? I make a difficult expression, involuntarily mind you, as I think of how to answer…

"...I probably shouldn't'ave said her name." she murmured. "Look, is the Hakurei Miko still alive? It's not every day the shrine burns down 'cause she's alright…"

I nod. "Yeah, she's still alive." Trust me, the shrine's been freakin' totalled a couple times, and that's just while I've been here.

Mima looked puzzled. "...What happened, then? I mean hell, my seal shouldn't be broken if she's still alive, either. It'd either take a group of angry youkai, or a really pissed off oni to free me."

That I don't know! I can't really think up an amusing lie, so I'll just tell her something stupider. "The shrine was being rebuilt, but then the fairies all caught the clap, so to cure them I stole silverware from the Scarlet Devil Mansion to make an impromptu marching band. Reimu then pelted them for being an annoying marching band, thus creating the Great Fairy Marching Accident of What-I-Assume-Is-November, two thousand fifteen."

"...That shrine only attracts weird people." Mima huffed, folding her arms. "Well, only attracted weird people. Not so much any more."

I put up my hands. "No- like, legit! You can even ask Reimu and Marisa, they both were there and participated in the pain."

Mima smirked. "Marisa, hmm~? Kirisame?"

I nod. "The one and only, yo."

She nods. "I might pay her a visit at some point… but for now, I think I'll just go touring for a bit, see what's changed."

Fluffy. "Koo, yo…"

Watch, as I try to walk away, she's gonna be all like 'nope you're going to be coming with me son and we're gonna bond and shit' or something, as these things typically go.

Mima puts an ethereal hand on my shoulder, somehow. "And you'll be coming with!"

Yeah, I called it. Sorry to say, yo, but I don't feel like escorting miss-lasers-a-lot around the land of dragons!... and by dragons, I mean magical girls. Not like there was a big difference- the magical girls were probably equally if not more deadly than dragons.

I shake my head. "Sorry, friend, but I've got things to make, people to go, places to meet, and friends to do." ...or something!

"Did I say you had a choice?" Mima's expression turned from jovial to dark in moments.

I shake my head. "I'm makin' a choice."

Time to guess her identity…! "Mima Hakurei."

"...Pffft! Hahaha~!" Mima's condescending glare broke, and she burst out laughing. "Ohhh… fuck! Hahaha!"

I think I guessed wrong! "...Hey, yo, I tried."

She giggled, her hands on her stomach now. "Heheh… how the hell would that even work? Mima fucking Hakurei. Geez… Boy, I only just now remembered I don't have lungs. I musta been sealed for some time, huh?"

While she was rambling, I tried to edge away…

...only to find her behind me, hand on my shoulder. Again. Shieut, man. "You're not getting away that easily, boy."

I sigh. "Freakin'... yo."

"Freakin' yo, indeed." Mima repeats, amused. "...So where did you learn my name from?"

Dayum, first time I ran into complications involving where I got my knowledge from! I shoulda been more on guard regarding that; I suppose I've gotten careless. I pause to think…

I'm grappled by my shoulders. "I said… to tell me where you heard my name." Nice glare! Maybe I can…

"Yo ho ho! Nice glare, yo! I like to glare too!" I give her my best 'I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck' glare.

She gives a lopsided grin. "...You're hiding something, then. I suppose we'll have to do this the hard way, then. Look into my eyes."

I reach into my sack, while making my eyes go cross-eyed instead of bothering to look away. She reaches a hand off my shoulder and creates a flash to the right of my vision.

Flash!

"Damn, they usually look away and to the right like smartasses…" She glares into my crossed eyes, trying to gauge where to put her hand next.

As fun as truth telling spells were, I think I'll try to actually talk my way out of the situation now. "Alright, alright, yo! I'll talk, enough freakin' jedi mind probes!"

Flash!

"Third time's the charm…!" She tries both hands, and I close my eyes.

Flash!

"You stupid...!" Mima glares at me, pissed. "I'll just beat the shit out of you instead, then."

I slip out my Holy Hanger, and hold it up- as best I can with a hand on the shoulder I was trying to use, anyway.

"Say cheese!"

Flash!

I blink as my eyes regain focus. Mima was just floating in place, arms folded- and hands off my shoulders! Hyonk!

"...When the hell did villagers learn holy spells? Reimu's gonna be out of a job real soon." Mima chuckled.

I grinned. "This villager's gonna end your career! Hyah!"

I brought the holy hanger down on her head… or tried to.

"...Buddy. I'm a ghost. Y'know… incorporeal?" Mima looks unimpressed.

I swing again. "Engh!"

"...That's uh… not going to work, ever." Mima awkwardly stared at me.

I swung again. "Huah!"

Spinning around, I swung again. It was weaker than before, because spinning like a jackass is not a viable combat strategy! Kingdom Hearts, you taught me wrong!

"...Oka~y…" Mima didn't know what to think.

"Hah!" I start jabbing at her ghost tail.

"...If it didn't work like the last five times…"

"You have lost!" I exclaim, flailing wildly with the plant hanger, failing to even reach her.

She grabs the plant hanger. "Why the hell would it work the next ten times you try it!?"

I shrug. "I dunno. Holy hanger, you're a ghostie… I thought ghosts were weak to holy crap."

She shakes her head. "What the hell's a holy spirit, then?"

Shieut. "...Well. Point taken, and well made."

She nods. "You learn fast." First time anyone's told me that! Hyonk.

In any case… "I've got things to do, missy. Flower fields to infiltrate, librarian's pants to get into, video games to play…"

Mima raises a brow. "The former will kill you, I'm sure. Try doing the other two."

I shake my head. "Nope, nope. I'm gonna stick my face in a sunflower and fucking eat it."

Mima sighed. "What the hell even happened to the village? Is it still around, or did it fall because everyone was like you?"

I'd like to imagine a village of me would be filled with neon pink, lime green, and teal buildings with tons of porn and neon signs. That'd be the shit, yo. "Yeah, it's gone. It was hit by, in fact, multiple trucks, and died."

Mima giggled. "Alright, I'll take your word for it… What's a truck, anyway?"

Fookin' eras old ghost girl. Don't know what it's like to roll coal and pollute the world and waste fuel! You haven't lived until you've dyed your lungs black and freakin' died of smoke inhalation, yo…

Oh, wait. She's already dead.

"...Hello?" She waves a hand in front of my face. "Did humanity get stupider, or something?"

I nod. "Basically…!"

Mima blinks. "Wait, the village is really gone, then?"

I shrug. "Freakin' mowed down, yo. Destroyed. Decimated. Torn asunder. Violated. Eviscerated. Had their heads lopped off and mounted on-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, kid." Mima grins, shaking her head. "...I expected the place to kinda go to shit worse than this if the village was gone, though."

I shrug again. "Look, yo, I'm just a messenger. Why doncha go see for yourself?" I wave in the vague direction of the Scarlet Devil Manor.

She nods. "Alright, then. See you around, if you don't kill yourself or something."

With that, Mima floats away in the wrong direction. Hee-hee-hee-hyoo~nk!

...Once she was gone for awhile, I decided to head towards Eientei. Now that I think about it, I should be using that yin-yang flail-o-copter…

Only in retrospect did I realize I probably shoulda kept a closer eye on the sealed ghost lady. Not like she was my problem!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"That new character's so~ overpowered!" Kaguya whines, smashing her fist against the gamecube controller.

"Maybe you just suck." Mokou retorts.

"Fuck you."

"Dude… Dude… Dude! Dude! Dude, no! Fu~ck!" Kaguya slams the gamecube controller against the floor.

Thunk!

"Goddammit! Bayonetta is such a counterpick!"

Mokou chuckled at Kaguya's somewhat juvenile anguish. "Or maybe you just suck."

"I'm gonna eat you..." Kaguya put up her dukes.

"Try me, you aristocratic piece of-"

I bust in through the window in the dead of night again, although it's still broken from the previous times I've done so. "Hello friends!"

Kaguya looks towards me. "Wha-"

Whack!

"A-aguh…" Kaguya receives a mean right hook from Mokou and reels to the left, reaching for her cheek.

"Hah! Let your guard down, huh, miss- Gugh…!"

Kaguya suddenly flung herself at her and began strangling her.

Pow!

Bop!

Wham!

Alright yo, I already forgot why I was here. Did I wanna play video games with some rough and tough magical girl dudebros? Maybe… but it didn't look very plausible now.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

Kaguya's face was getting planted into the wooden floor time and time again by Mokou, who had her hand on the back of Kaguya's head, fingers deep in her now messy black locks.

Suddenly, an earthy pillar shot from the floor, sending Mokou rolling away, which forced her to release her grip on Kaguya. Kaguya harmed herself with the spell a bit, but she was expecting it, having casted it. I didn't know Kaguya knew earth elemental anything, though. Wasn't she a time mage, or something? She did have those treasures… did she just not practice other kinds of magic that often?

The stone wedge that shot from the floor vanished in a soft green flash, leaving a hole in the floor where the earth pierced it.

Mokou was standing again, cautiously strafing as Kaguya got up and did the same.

"Had to use magic to get out of that hold? You're slipping, kid." Mokou taunted, bracing herself for retaliation.

Kaguya scoffed. "You are but a child, Fujiwara! Behold, I shall demonstrate to you that I am of superior strategical prowess!"

I like how Kaguya's vocabulary goes from dudebro to princess only when she feels like pulling rank on people.

...I also move towards the window again, just in the event that shit gets real and I have to bail to avoid getting my ass kicked by the crossfire. It happens, yo!

"And how're you gonna do that? Getting your face mashed against the floor again?" Mokou cracked her knuckles for effect.

Kaguya puts her hand to her mouth and gives a hearty "Hoh hoh hoh!".

She snaps her fingers, then moves near the wall of the room, Mokou approaching her strategically as she did so. She came to a small blue terminal against the wall.

She pressed her hand against a grid-like design on it, and it lit up.

"Reisen, could you bring me… Project FPS?"

Oh, boy. With any luck, they'd fight their way out of the room and let me play some of Kaguya's crap in peace!

Kaguya grinned as she turned to Mokou, who was nearing her. "In a few moments-"

Mokou tried to lunge forward and punch, only for Kaguya to make her way around it and do the same, only this time actually connecting with Mokou's face.

"Ah…" Mokou, however, ignores the strike and uses the arm that missed to grapple Kaguya. The struggle quickly became an uncoordinated hash-and-frash, as it were.

Thwack!

Pow!

Wapow!

...Yeah, I was getting creative with my alliteration. Could I be blamed? They might as well have been rolling around on the floor in a cartoon dust cloud.

The door to the room slid open, and Reisen walked in holding like, five sci-fi rifle things.

She looks down at the scuffle on the floor. "...I'll just uh… leave these here, then."

She tosses the pile of rifles into the mix, and most of them end up getting flung away and ignored.

"...I'm going back to bed." Reisen tiredly walked in reverse, before shutting the door.

Curious rifles! I walk near the dust cloud of violence and grab one. Maybe I could shoot them with it, yo! Yo ho ho… ho…?

On closer inspection, I haven't got a sodding clue how the thing works. Reminds me of an Apple product… It's hip! It's new! It's the Igun! Confirm your password every time you pop a new clip in! Send an activation code to Apple every time you purchase a case of bullets, or they'll literally fly out of the gun, do two ninety degree turns, and fucking kill you like the dirty, dirty pirate you are.

I'll say it right now: I don't like Apple products!

I look up as Kaguya finally kicks Mokou in the chest from her position on the floor, which both sends Mokou reeling and propels Kaguya away from her, sliding her near two of the sci-fi rifles.

Kaguya grabs them with each arm, and then jumps to both feet. "Now we're talking! Bow before my shooter skills, child! Once I am through killing you, I may just allow you to live under me as my apprentice in the gaming arts!"

Mokou reaches down as she backs away, fumbling for a weapon, and happens to grab a rifle. "Oh, please! This isn't some shitty fanfic of yours, Kaguya!"

…I sense a disturbance in the force.

...I also just realized I was standing pretty much between the two enraged madwomen, so instead of sticking around, I just navigated to the corner of the room.

ChiChiChiChiChioo~! Mokou strafed to the right as Kaguya fired a stream of plasma bolts.

"Fuoo~h, hohohoh! C'mon, Fujiwara-chan! Why don't you simply give up? I have more guns than you!" Kaguya laughed haughtily as she unloaded the guns.

Speaking of, I look for a trigger on mine.

There's a handle with no features on it. These guns don't have triggers, nor clips of any sort. Come to think of it, Kaguya's not even reloading, either.

How was I supposed to shoot this stupid thing!?

Mokou aims her gun at Kaguya.

ChiChiChiChiChioo~!

Kaguya ducks to avoid the stream of plasma bolts, which melt into the wall where she was.

Apparently Mokou had no freakin' problem at all using them. Might just be experience…

ChiChiChiChiChioo~!

Why do the guns make this sound? Freakin', yo!

I crouched and shielded myself with the gun, making myself scarce as the two had a stalemate. Mokou was too agile, holding only one gun, but still got hit too much to play things offensively, and her reduced firepower wasn't enough to punish Kaguya for being slow.

Plus, they pretty much regenerated like Call Of Duty soldiers… and they even respawned!

Eirin opens the door. "Princess, I-"

ChiChiChiChiChiChioo~!

She's struck by a couple plasma bolts, before diving back into the hallway outside.

"Ah, shit- uh, oops... " Kaguya's facial expression goes through a mix of emotions in a very short amount of time. She pauses to assess Eirin's situation, when…

ChiChioo~!

Kaguya's popped in the side of the head by Mokou, a blood splatter flecking across the room. She ragdolls to the side, dropping her two rifles.

"I'm gunnin' for ya, bitch!" Mokou taunts the corpse.

Eirin walks into the room, already mostly regenerated. She lets out a deep sigh. "...Well, I was going to inform the princess that the evening meal committee she had instated was once again ready for service after the last incident, but I think I'll have to make a rain day for that, now. Pity, too… I was wondering how an immortal body might react to five gallons of caffeine and electrolyte-infused water."

Mokou points her gun at her. "...Look. I don't want any trouble. Let me leave, and you can see to your bitch."

Eirin shakes her head. "...I suppose I'll just have to settle for you."

ChiChiChi-Fwash!

An arrow struck the gun, and it exploded in a ball of lightning.

"Shit!"

Mokou flew back out the window I used previously. Eirin literally flew out after her.

I crawled out from the corner of the room, and dropped my useless, albeit fancy, paperweight. Stretching a bit, I move towards the couch and position it upright and in front of the… smashed plasma screen television. The ironic part is the fact that plasma bolts destroyed it.

I get up from the couch and beeline towards the computer, which didn't get damaged! I wish I snooped on Patchy's laptop earlier. It woulda been the bee's knees if I could find her social media accounts and get that one creepy friend of mine to stalk her profile!

...No, that friend is not Matt. He doesn't care for trivial stalkings, as far as I'm aware. I was talking of a different prat, who likes being a creepy bugger for all different reasons.

In any case, let's see what steam games Kaguya has!

Counter Strike. Betcha didn't see that one coming!

Team Fortress 2. Mmm…

Half-Life 1 and 2…

Pretty much all FPS games. I play enough of those at home, honestly. I dunno whether it'd be an amazingly fantastic, or amazingly retarded thing to spend hours at a time playing video games in a trashed room on the computer alone in Gensokyo.

I did the same thing outside of Gensokyo, basically, except for the 'alone in Gensokyo' part!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a few moments of poking Kaguya's corpse with Quake Bloomer, I decided to play some Team Fortress 2.

...Kaguya apparently had the most hours on Heavy and Soldier, distributed almost evenly down to the seconds. Yo…

Her least played class was medic. I suppose that's what Eirin's for, right?

After about an hour, I went from laughing about my deaths to half laughing, half gritting my teeth.

"...Alright, yo, I think I'm done for today…"

I get off Team Fortress 2, only to find that a shit ton of Kaguya's online friends are messaging her, some of them berating her for a plethora of reasons.

...I go to the 'add a non-Steam game to steam' option, search for , and make that a game that I can launch from Steam. Then, I rename the shortcut to 'fuck you guys' and 'enter' the game.

"LunarianOracle is now in non-Steam game: fuck you guys"

Kaguya's account gets spammed with livid messages. Success!

...Yeah, I was freakin' bored, but it was night. There was no way I was gonna go have a 'friendly' chat with Yuuka and Mima at fookin' midnight.

All of a sudden, I hear footsteps behind me, and a hand rests on my shoulder, causing me to jump.

"Eahoo!" I whirl the chair around, to see…

"...What are you doing at my computer…?" Kaguya looks somewhat annoyed, and was also alive again.

"...Dust friends." I scooped some dust from behind her monitor and held it in front of her.

She scrunches her face. "What? Why?"

I get up from her computer chair and walk to a corner of the room, and put the pile of dust there. "Cuddly."

"...Nevermind." Kaguya sits down at her chair, and in a couple moments notices that amount of pissed messages. "What the hell did you do?"

I shrugged exaggeratedly. "I dunno! Maybe they just don't like the Team Fortress!"

She nodded. "Oh, you played that. That's normal, actually."

...Apparently they don't like the Team Fortress.

"...Dude, why did you open the calculator?" I heard a click, which I assumed was her closing it.

I rose a brow. "I opened the calculator? Pretty sure I didn't." Hyonk.

She shrugged. "Mmm. Doesn't matter anyway."

Eventually she'll find that random game titled 'fuck you guys' and only then find out why the calculator was open, but until then I didn't feel like tempting an unfavorable reaction.

"Why are you here, again?" Kaguya asks me idly.

"I forgot!" In truth, I felt a little awkward after that conflict! That, and I already got my gaming fix with a lil bit of Team Fortress, so I was kinda not in the mood to keep doing so.

"..." Kaguya turned in her chair to look at me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Stay out." Kaguya tiredly deadpanned as I was shoved into the Eientei hallway.

After a few moments of me thinking over where I should go from here, some bunny girls notice me. "Are you a patient?" one asks as they advance.

I shake my head.

The other bunny girl gasps. "What is your business here? You're not supposed to be in the halls at this time of night."

Since when was there a curfew for the freakin' halls here? "I was visiting, yo."

They look to each other skeptically. The one on the left, with the auburn hair, proceeds to interrogate me. "Who?"

"The princess, yo! I just came outta this door!" I point to Kaguya's door.

"...What business did you have with her?" she presses, still skeptical

Freakin'... aren't public servants not supposed to press for that kinda shit? That's it, I'm gonna try to pull rank on them. "What's it to you? Must I knock on her door and request for security to remove the both of you?"

Before the leftmost one can say anything, her partner butts in. "Uhm… sir, we are security."

"That's even worse!" I exclaim. "Must I file a complaint? Must I trouble the princess simply to solve this conflict?"

...The leftmost one finally gets a chance to talk. "...But, the princess was the one who asked us to check for, and I quote, 'a filthy hobo in monk rags loitering the halls of the clinic past curfew'."

Shieut. Well played, Kaguya. Well played…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Oof!" I was now in the front lobby.

"Please, don't make our jobs any harder." the auburn bunny regards me, as they both leave back into the depths of the clinic's- I think it's a clinic, anyway- halls.

Reisen's not at the desk at the moment; in fact, no one was, oddly. There was one of those paper tents set up with a sign on it, saying the following…

"Customer Service is currently absent. Ring the bell for immediate impromptu representation, in the event of an emergency. Otherwise, please be patient, and we will get back to you.

Thanks,

Eientei Staff."

...Naturally, I decide to invade Reisen's workspace instead and look around for sweet random drops!

Digging around in the drawers, I find some pens! I take a blue one and stuff it into my sack.

Looking under the desk, I find a freakin' huge sniper rifle. I decide to leave it where it is, because if I ever managed to fire that thing, I'd probably get gibbed by the recoil.

...There wasn't a lot here except for boring office supplies and a couple boxes of almost cartoonishly large sniper rounds. I could probably use them as substitutes for rocks if I took them, but I'd rather not have to answer the unfortunate question of 'why are you carrying cartoonishly large bullets in your bag'.

Actually, yes, I'd like to answer that question. Sorry Reisen, I'm sure you've literally got a room dedicated to storing more, or something!

I hear some doors open, which causes me to shoot up from my rummaging to look at who was emerging from the doorway.

"the doctor is away friends! now we rejoice!"

Oh, good. It was just fluffles.

Wait…

A small herd of fluffles emerged from the door, all working together to carry what looked like a large bed. Strapped onto it was a fluffle, its stomach apparently cut open and some inner fluffy stuff puffing out from the cut, revealing it to be basically a stuffed animal. Despite that, the thing was still blinking and smiling.

The fluffles stopped to stare at me, trying to gauge whether I was a friend or an enemy.

I smiled and waved. "Hi, friends."

The fluffles proceeded to ignore me, cooing and making fluffy noises to one another as they navigated the bed through the lobby.

Like that, they exited out the front door. Curious, I followed them, keeping a cautious distance in case I needed to deal with some unruly fluff'n'stuffs.

Just outside the front door, I witnessed two large metallic pole-like contraptions drift down from above- I couldn't make them out, however. The only thing I could make out was the amber glow of the jets at the bottom- which reminded me a bit of the fluffle stands. Freakin'...

I ran back inside and dashed to the counter. Reisen had to have a flashlight in here somewhere…

I heard the jet noises cease outside, although from in here I could see the fluffles leaping around like hooligans outside.

After much thumbing through the desks, I found a very dim flashlight; it was in the 'essentials' drawer which I had initially ruled out because it just contained painkillers and like, tons of that insane sniper ammo.

I rushed back to the front desk, and flipped the light switch, turning the lights to the lobby off. I wanted to see these fluffy friks in full HD, yo!

Looking outside, the fluffles were apparently mounting the medical bed to the pole-like crafts.

Speaking of…

The crafts weren't crafts, actually. They were more like… devices, I guess. Suits? Both a craft and a suit but really neither, I guess.

They were large piston-like contraptions, made of dull grey metals, complete with a bit of rust here or there, I think. Dim ass cheapo flashlight's probably not doing anything any justice here.

The pillars of metal pistols were comprised of four 'appendages', and at the top of all four they met at a fluffle who capped them off. The fluffle's fins and legs were sealed in the tops of these metal pillars, allowing it to walk like a giraffe, except without the neck. Or the knees- I guess they were more like as if you were forced to put stilts on your hands and feet.

By the way what the hell were these things? Was it 'make the most impractical vehicle ever' day at the fluffle design emporium or what?

The final outlandish detail was their height. They easily exceeded twelve feet tall or so, which seemed pretty impractical.

Four of the stilt suit buggers were standing around the bed, and the fluffles were working to secure it to the stilts of the four of them. I assumed they were gonna evacuate or something. It was kinda weird how they were doing it for a single fluffle, though.

...Suddenly, danmaku in the shape of white and blue light arrows rains down on the crowd of fluffles.

"Waaa~l!"

Eirin flew in from above and crushed one of the fluffles that were on top of one of the quad-stilt contraptions by landing on it, causing it to explode into dust. Once it did so, the machines it was once utilizing became useless.

"Waaaa~l!" The other fluffles were outraged!

The fluffles on the ground moved to relocate the autopsy bed, slowly moving their friend away from the oncoming battle.

Fwooosh! The stilted fluffles began hovering in the air, their machines apparently having thrusters on the bottom of them, even if it's not obvious since there's no cartoony dish at the bottom like on the fluffle stands.

Eirin stoically watched them hover, and she readied her arrows. They flew up to meet the metal of the machines, having little effect.

The machines suddenly jerked way high up into the air, faster than something the size of those things should be able to do.

My jaw dropped when they came back down- and they did so one by one.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

The earth shook as the machine plowed into the floor. A thin, white, circular outline shot across the ground as the loud roar of the machine doing what I could only describe as 'breaking the sound barrier' echoed across the bamboo forest.

The glass in front of me broke, and I completely lost my hold with the floor. Sliding to the floor, I dropped the flashlight.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

I bet the light woulda exploded if it was still on…

Outside, I see some frantically shot arrows fill the night sky.

THWAA~SH!

BOOM!

Holy shit…

My body slides along the floor as the rapid vibrations rock the clinic. My vision blurs from all the rocking around, but, once it all stops, my vision readjusts. The flashlight was broken, unfortunately. I assumed the lights were, too, so I was forced to take out something I could use to light my way.

Flame Salvo, I choose you!

"Waaa~l!" I hear the wails of the fluffles upon the large piston devices.

Arrows fly into the night, lightly illuminating the machines as they strike them.

Swish… swish, swish swish swish swishswishswishswish!

One of the devices shifted into a whirling-helicopter-blade-of-doom type formation, the piston devices essential spinning as fast as one. The fluffle had moved its limbs in a starfish shape, which in turn moved the entirety of the piston devices. How did the fluffles have the body strength to do that?

I was able to make out the spinning gyrocopter of a fluffle due to the flame swirl created by its thrusters. The device spun closer to the front door of the clinic, forcing me to retreat back towards the counter…

Bam! The front door to Eientei was completely torn open as the whirling death blade persisted.

Bam! It exited the front door!... and by that, I mean the front door ceased being a thing entirely.

The other fluffle stilt machine things stood in place, the sizable pistons of their device actually working for once.

Bam...bam...bam bam bam-BamBamBamBamBam~!

The pistons started vibrating the ground, the loud bangs of metal against metal increasing in frequency and volume.

A series of arrows struck one of the fluffles atop the piston doohickies, killing it.

One of the four piston things it was attached to fell over once the fluffle exploded into a dusty mess.

The gyro was still spinning around, now giving the surrounding bamboo forestry a good lawnmowing. Some of the trees began catching on fire due to the flames of the thrusters.

Eirin landed on the bit of flooring where the front entryway used to be, then she aimed her bow at the other standing fluffy rapscallion.

It jerked into the air at unreal speed once she fired. Oh, shi-

THWAAA~SH!

BOOM!

I slid onto my ass again, as did Eirin due to being caught off guard, presumably. Rubble fell from the torn open wall segments. Rattling was heard near me- Reisen's heavy sniper rifle was being vibrated along the floor.

"Uu~gh…" I heard Eirin groan from the floor as she fired her arrows at the fluffle.

Tink, tink! Two of the arrows stuck the metal, but the third she fired impaled the fluffle piloting the piston devices, reducing it to a shower of fluff.

… There was still that giant gyro going apeshit on the surrounding bamboo, though.

I decided against using the Flame Salvo to deal with it, and instead pulled out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. I ran up alongside Eirin, watching it as it was partially obscured by trees it passed at points.

She glanced at me. "...Where exactly did you come from?"

I glanced back, before locking my eyes back on the deadly gyro. "Home."

"...I see." Eirin sighed. "I trust you can handle things from here? That blasted immortal escaped my pursuit, and now I'm not only out of test subjects, but it seems those dusty rats have also made off with one of my other test subjects. Today has been exceptionally poor."

I nod. "I uh… I think so!"

She nodded. "Right. Well, if you lose a limb or anything, you can rest assured that the hospital is literally a brisk walk away. Just try not to get cut in half, or something, because then I'd have to not only destroy that troublesome machine myself, but I'd also have to find a cleanup crew… and believe me when I say all our cleanup crews are rather busy at the moment."

I give a thumbs up. "Thanks for the aid, doc!"

She proceeds back into the clinic, disappearing somewhere.

I observe the spinning gyro as it whirls around. The only thing I can really make of it in the shade of the forest is the flame spiral it produces. I was scared to near the thing honestly, but if I threw good 'ol Bee-Sheventeen at it, I think it'd do something.

...Summoning my mana, I shot a crusty pillow from the stars at it.

Vrrr!

The crusty pillow was shredded into bits and pieces. I dunno 'bout you, but I think that's worse than it was before. I grin at the results, when I notice the blade now heading straight towards me.

"Fuck!" I make an intelligent observation.

I toss the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at it, and it falls a little short of the epicenter of it-

Boom!

-but still strikes the blades. They whirl to the floor and become embedded in it, crashing into each other as they dug into the earth. The fluffle died from the blast, apparently.

Boom!

Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber struck somewhere on the roof of Eientei.

Blam!

...and then fell to the lawn again.

I walk outside to grab it, and I take a moment to stare at the sky. What the fuck were those fluffles? Christ. I wouldn't want to meet a group of those things in a dark alley!... because the alley probably wouldn't even exist after they were done with it!

"What the hell's going on out there!?" I heard Kaguya shout from the roof.

"Fluffles!" I shout back up at her.

I don't hear a reply, so I assume she got my message.

It may be the dead of night, but uhhh… I was kinda thinkin' of finding somewhere cuddly at the village! This clinic's all sterile, and everyone's mean!... and the front door is blown wide open. I gotta exert my energy somehow, too.

I pull out the Yin-yang flail-o-copter, and begin my evening traveling!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I shiver in the air as the cold winter air caresses my skin, even with the monk robes on. I suppose winter was setting in, at last. I dunno whether I wanna see snow or not!

In the distance of the cold, dry night I see cyan and blue lights shine brightly- a cluster of them, in the air. Danmaku? They weren't moving like danmaku…

A blast of cold air from the direction both soothes my exerted arms, and makes me flinch from the suddenness.

Suddenly, the lights shoot off into the night, accelerating unbelievably fast. UFOs? Maybe… I wouldn't be surprised.

I pass over a fluffle stand below, and make my way towards the village.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...I don't think you are who you says you are, bub…" the village guard replies lowly.

I flail my arms over my monk garb. "Does everyone have a problem getting in if they're not wearing a guard outfit!? I'm clearly from the sodding temple, you twatsicle!"

He reaches for his sword. "Them's fightin' words, kid. What you gonna do about it? Fast me to death? Bahahaha!"

I pull out Quake Bloomer. "No, son, I'm gonna beat the everloving shit out of you."

He draws a shortsword. "Who're you callin' son, son? Bet this'll send a real message to them temple-likes…" He takes a few stabs at the air.

I slam Quake Bloomer against the floor, casting Gaia Seed…

Fwooo~...

The green magic circle appears around the guardsman, and he's staggered somewhat.

After a small bout of stumbling, he readjusts himself. "...The hell'd you just do to me, you weird ass monk!?"

I grinned. "I casted doom on you, friend. In three days, you'll just drop dead and die. I know so, too; Byakuren taught me it, yo."

He tilts his head, eyes widening. "What!? For real?... No way. You're bluffing, you've gotta be."

He's right! I shrug. "Alright then, yo. I'll just come back in three days when you're not around any more, then. See ya." With that, I begin walking off.

"...Hold it!" He calls out for me. "Look, I'll let you into the stupid village! Just take this stupid curse off me, or I'll tell my boss we're at war with the temple. We got a deal, monk boy?"

I sigh. "I guess I got no choice, then. I'm just gonna have to remove it…"

I cast Gaia Seed again.

Fwooo~...

The guardsman stumbles again, his eyes struggling more now. Does Gaia Seed's tiring effects stack? Hmm…

"W-why am I so tired all of a sudden…?" The guardsman yawns. "...You're tryina pull a fast one on me, aren't you, you monk fuck?"

I shake my head. "No, that's just how the doom removal-"

"Die!" The guard slowly charges at me, bringing his sword down at an angle.

Clang! I block easily with Quake Bloomer.

"Too bad!" I run at him and kick him… which does surprisingly little. I may have forgotten just how useful armor is.

"Dirty monk! No good spell caster!" He brings his arm up slowly, making me anticipate a downward slash. I bring up Quake Bloomer to guard it, but he pulls the sword back and goes for a jab instead.

"H-hey!" I feel myself blanch as the sword gets caught in the details of Quake Bloomer, the jab having gone through one of the holes in the plant hanger's design. I instinctively tried to pull it away, but he fights my grip and manages to successfully disarm me by pulling away Quake Bloomer.

"Hah! Not so hot without your spell rod, are you, monk!?" He grins, and starts sliding Quake Bloomer off the sword, proceeding to toss it off to the side.

"O-oh no! I'm going to die!" I yell to build the guard's confidence, while reaching for my sack to pull out another plant hanger…

Flame Salvo, I guess I choose you! I dunno, I didn't really look at what I was picking, I just yanked the first thing I got my hands on.

He charges me with another broad slash...

Clang!

Flames lick his sword, causing him to pull away after striking Flame Salvo.

"What the hell!?" roars the guardsman.

I grin at him. "Son, you've started a war you'll be unable to win! I don't care how many hangers it takes, one of these will break your fookin' kneecaps!"

He steps back a bit. "...I need to get the men in on this! What monk uses fire!?"

He makes for the gate, and begins opening it.

"Burn in hell!"

I cast Flamethrower, unleashing a basic stream of flames upon him as he hastily reels the gate open.

"What- oh, fuck! Shit! Fire, fi~re!" he begins yelling. I take this as an opportunity to make myself scarce! I run into the woods, and observe what follows from afar.

"Fire!"

Eventually, guardsmen rushed to aid him, pouring water on him after he got the gate open. He was forced to tear off his armor, because the flames kinda got underneath and uh… pain.

...This definitely won't come back to bite me in the ass!

I took this moment to… hmm. How would I get into the village, now? Try a different entrance? I dunno if flying was the best idea…

"I think the asshole went that way…"

Oh, here they come. I ready the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. Explosives were so useful!

I see the group of five guards progress towards the bushes, and I toss the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber into the crowd.

Blam!

The guy who had the original dispute with me flew forward due to the blast occurring right at his feet.

"Aaa~h!"

"What the hell!?"

A few were simply staggered, and a couple others were knocked over by the blast.

Time to get good use of this box of cartoonishly large sniper rounds! I pull one out, and chuck it at one of the archers.

Ding! It hit his armor. Today is not good day!

I toss another.

Ding!... Shieut!

C'mon… I toss another one…

"Ouch!" Score! Get sniped, son! Three-sixty no scopes! Hell, I didn't even use a rifle! Fock you!

His friend starts taking aim at me, so I just chuck a round at him.

Ding!

He fires his arrow, and it's thrown totally off target and hits some tree instead.

"Where the hell was that one going!?" I shout at him. "It sure wasn't me!"

...The other twats are starting to get back up, so I get out Swift Brand.

"That… fucking… monk…" groaned that first guard I beat up.

I channel my mana into Swift Brand…

Fwoosh!

He flies backwards into his archer pals, and one of them goes down with him.

The other two guys approach me cautiously with swords, so I shelf Swift Brand and take out Flame Salvo.

"I am an otherworldly foe!" I exclaim.

The guards don't reply, and one rushes me.

Clang!

He's startled by the sudden flame on his blade. His friend begins going around me, and I turn around to cast Flamethrower.

Fwooosh!

"Oh, fuck, a fire started! Fire!" He runs back toward the village once his assorted accessories, as they were, began burning.

"You uh… okay there, Billy?" The standing archer questioned his fallen comrade, the other archer who got knocked over as a result of my previous wind blast.

"Y-yeah… I'll be alright."

The burly palooka was finally up and about, ready to engage me again. I saw Quake Bloomer quite a ways away, back across the entire dirt path. Perhaps there was a way I could get there…

"Keep your distance! The stupid monk's got a limited range on that flame attack!" he shouts forcefully, commanding his comrades.

...I could use that to my advantage.

"Burn, baby!" I shoot a flame stream adjacent to the direction I wanna go, and travel along it as the guards make their way away from it. Like that, I pass them and begin making my way towards Quake Bloomer.

"Get the fuck back here, magi!" barked the commanding guard, and they begin pursuing me.

I turn back and toss Flame Salvo at that other generic guard following me, and a burst of flames causes him to stop and freeze in place. Sadly, he wasn't ignited. Freakin'...

Regardless, I got to Quake Bloomer! Lifting it, I began doing the thing with the strength enchantment…

"That one again? Hah! Guys, stand back. I've got this one in the bag…" The commanding guard orders his comrades, as he readies his sword. "Alright, monkey boy. This is the end of the line."

I now have power! "I am a psychic warlord, son. I'm gonna passively resist you so hard, your freakin' mind will explode."

He laughed. "Hahah! Gettin' friendly's not gonna save you! You're just a no good, dirty youkai!"

For the love of fluff'n'stuffs, dude… I'm not a bloody youkai! Magic does not equal youkai! Nor does funny costumes!

The guard runs at me, readying a broad downward slash. He seems to be faster, too; I guess the effects of Gaia Seed wore off.

I prepare to both block an above strike as well as evade a jab if he should try one, because this situation seems suspiciously familiar.

I block up, and I guessed his tactic correctly. When he jabs at me, I purposefully move my plant hanger to catch his blade.

...But this time…

I pull the plant hanger with all my might, and rip the sword from his hands!

"What the-!?"

The sword flies away behind me, sliding out of the plant hanger's grasp.

"Son, this is why you don't mess with a monk." I point Quake Bloomer at him. "The jig is up, yo."

"...I'm gonna kill you!" he roars, charging at me. He grabs Quake Bloomer, but my buffs allow me to just move it around as I please, and I make the dude fall over.

"Sorry, son. I'm afraid I'll have to beat the everloving shit out of you now." I had to make good on what I said earlier!

I heard gasps. I look up to the other guardsmen, and the stupid freakin' archer's aiming at me. He notices that I notice, too.

"D-don't move an inch!" he stammers.

I blink. "...O-okay. Just don't shoot…"

C'mon, Gaia Seed…

He begins grinning. "...Y-you're scared? I actually… Yeah, don't you dare move!"

Fwooo~...

The magic circle's slight pressure it applies, in addition to the drowsiness, throws the guy's aim off. He feels it, and fires.

Thunk! The arrow struck another tree.

I ran towards him. "Huaaagh!"

The other generic swordsman moves to interfere, but I purposefully swing Quake Bloomer at his sword and disarm him. "Nope!"

The archer begins hopping back, trying to ready an arrow, but by the time I reach him, it's too late.

Whack!

"Oough!"

The man flies to the path's dirt, bowled over by a strike from my Quake Bloomer. I spot Flame Salvo on the ground near the generic guard man person.

Speaking of which, he somehow recovered his sword already, and was a lot more cautious this time. Slowly and steadily, we traded feints and I was able to make him get out of my way by circling him and slowly advancing.

Lifting Flame Salvo, I chuck it at him again.

Fwoompf! It unleashes a blast of flame, this time successfully igniting him.

"D-damn it! Towel boy! Towel boy!" He begins patting himself frantically, and he looks over to the fallen archer I knocked down awhile ago, and his eyes widen. With a troubled grunt, he begins sprinting to the village.

...Everyone who was now down has not decided to get up.

"...Jesus Christ, I didn't know getting into the village was going to be a freakin' gauntlet of deadly terror." I rant to myself as I walk towards the gates. "Next time, just let me in, guys. I'm pretty sure it'd be easier to fight me if you all were able to readily call guards from in there- or get civilians to beat the shit out of me."

Or Keine. Pretty sure Keine could just solo me and use me like a soggy loofa.

I hear a groan of protest from the first guard as I finally make my way into the village.

...I pass the one guard who ran inside to put the flames out who was just now coming back out. As he does so, I quickly bring Quake Bloomer across his face.

Thunk!

"Ouh…"

Thud.

"...Sorry about the uh, pain, by the way…" I tell everyone. That reminds me, I should probably collect all the shit I dropped in combat, like the Bawmber…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 22

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with. Improved once more to have a fuel tank, allowing it to cast Fume and have increased flame thrower capabilities.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations… Different from the dark-elemental hanger in that this converts missing health into pure speed and none into power, and the increased damage isn't as punishing.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

very much a chapter where nothing of particular note happened, but it was fun anyway to me; you get those from time to time.

stuff and things happened!

...i dont have a lot to say; although, i wonder if everyone got a proper portrayal of those fluffle piston guys

as always, see you all next time!