(in which we become hanger-hopping hooligans)
"...And that's how I beat the shit out of the village guards." I finished, grinning at Sekibanki.
She shakes her head. "Honestly… I thought you were kinda harmless at first, but that was a bit…"
Yo. "Look, they were being unreasonable, and one thing lead to another-"
"Alright, I get it. Just… don't do that too often, alright? That friend of yours is already causing headaches among the villagers." Sekibanki sighed, putting a hand up as a signal for me to stop talking.
Hmm. I wonder what he's up to...
...It was day now, by the way! I gots meself a good night's rest!
I stand and stretch. "Fluffy days…"
"Heading out?" Sekibanki questions me.
I nod. "Probably. Say…" I wonder…
She looks to me. "Yeah?"
"Would there happen to be any libraries in the human village?" I question.
Sekibanki raises a brow. "...Yeah. Why?"
"I dunno, I like books." I half-heartedly explain.
She snorts. "No, you don't."
I raise a finger. "Hey, yo, I'm actually not lying about that, but that's not entirely the reason I wanna go to the library either."
"What is it, then?"
I inadvertently gave her more info than I shoulda. Do'h! "...I was gonna try and find some quality literature! Don't patronize me…!"
She snorts again. "Alright. You're an outsider, right?"
I nod enthusiastically.
"You might not be able to read some of our dialect, then. Can you read Japanese?"
Hahah… no. I don't even know how I talk with everyone properly! I'm willing to bet there's some boundary shenanigans going on in Gensokyo's atmosphere, or something. I mean think about it, wouldn't underground oni and aboveground humans have some dissonance in language development after all these years?... Exactly.
I shake my head.
"...I might know someone who could help you with that."
Ooh, is it a translator? I wanna have them translate all the anime and manga I want to view! That'd be the bomb.
I grin. "...Sounds like they're up my alley, yo."
Sekibanki glares at me. "Don't bring her any unnecessary trouble, you know? She's a nice girl, and it'd be troublesome if you ruined her day by being an idiot."
Of course it'd be a she, yo. The male gender does not exist outside of the human village, apparently.
I put my arms up. "Seki, baby, c'mon now. You know I don't try to be a bad guy." Keyword: try.
"...Alright. But if she tells me you made her day go south… I'm coming for you." Sekibanki threatens me.
I doubt I could fuck her day up that much.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I stand outside the rather boring house, but the address is as Sekibanki said… and that being said, the address organization here sucks. The mailmen here better make bank.
...that, or there's just one big post office in the square or something. I don't know!
I knock on the front door.
...After a few moments, the girl opens it.
Standing before me is a brown-haired villager girl. She's got a yellow apron on, and a brown and white checkered dress on under it. She's also holding a curious-looking tome with both her hands.
...After a few awkward moments of staring, she greets me. "...H-hello?"
"Hi." I wave my hand.
"...Hi." she replies, waving back slowly.
…
"...So, um..." She twiddles her fingers.
"I came to ask for book referrals and things!" I abruptly explain amidst the silence.
She flinches at the sudden volume. "...Sure?"
…
I approach her. "Look, yo. I'm not from uh… 'round these parts, as it were. I dunno how to read Japanese, so I was wondering if you could help me."
She blinked, and backed away from me. "W-who told you about my power? How did you find out?"
I jerk my head back. "Power? I dunno 'bout no power. I just figured you were a translator or something."
She takes a moment to process this. "...O-oh."
…
"How about we get the ball rollin', yo. We're burnin' daylight hours!... they're different from normal hours!" I request.
She narrows her eyes. "...I don't trust you."
I sigh. "...Look, yo, wadda I gotta do, then?" Besides, I was in need of something to sate my boredom anyway.
"...You're that robed monk the guards went around warning everyone about, aren't you?" the girl questions. "...Give me a good reason why I shouldn't report you to the guards right now."
Of all the dirty darn rotten luck… "...Look, I just wanted to get into the village, and the burly men with swords tried to take a stab at me, so I stabbed back, and enngh!"
…
"...I don't think I can believe you. Sorry." With that, she closes the door.
I'm not takin' 'no' for an answer! They don't call me robe, hanger, sneakers man for nothing! I began throwing myself at her door, flailing my limbs against it. "Friend! Help, no! Waauugh!"
She opens the door slightly and I accidentally fall in because of all the pressure I was exerting on it.
"Oof!"
…
She stares down at me from the floor. "...I'd like you to leave."
I stick up a finger from the floor. "Sekibanki referred me to you!"
She pauses. "S-Seki-chan…?"
I climb up from the floor and dust myself off. "Yeah. I told her I wanted to read some freakin' books, and she sent me to you. I didn't expect it to be pulling teeth… again. Come to think of it, I've done a whole lot of teeth pulling since I've come to Gensokyo…" It was mostly the fun kind, though!
"...If Seki-chan thought it was alright, I guess it's alright with me, too." she decides.
...I dunno her name! I was way too used to meeting the Touhous I knew the names of! "...They call me Brad." Last names are for losers!
She looks unimpressed, sadly. "Kosuzu. C'mon, follow me."
I follow her deeper into her abode, where I find stacks upon stacks of books just lying around. I see shelves filled to the brims lining each wall, as well.
"...You've been busy, huh?" I comment.
She nods. "I like reading." I do, too!
I raise a hand. "Say, yo, do you have the Berenstain Bears?"
She raises a brow. "...No."
Damn.
"...This is where I spend the bulk of my time. Cozy, isn't it?" She twirls around, showing off her abode.
I nod. "Cozy. Very cozy. Snug space." I want to cuddle, now. I gingerly look around the room, now feeling snug. Very snug, even.
"...You're a creepy man." Kosuzu idly comments.
I nod. "Yeah, I get that a lot."
She sighs. "Why are you in my house again?"
I laugh. "Alright, alright… Magic books! Spell books! Something easy for idiots who dabble in magic to learn!"
She narrows her eyes. "You aren't gonna use it to hurt anyone else, right?"
Ehhh… I hold up my hand and wave it around a bit. "Kinda, uh? I dunno?"
She shakes her head. "Sorry. I'm not going to help you in hurting others."
Freakin'... "Alright, any non-offensive spells? Something?"
She pauses pensively. "...I… think I could do that. Sure! Let me see if I can find anything suitable for you…"
She opens a book, and thumbs through it. She closes it.
This process repeats itself a few times, until she opens up a fancy-looking tome.
"Let's see…" Her eyes light up. "Ah! This one actually has spells. Hold on…"
She thumbs through a couple pages. "Let's see… Time Bomb…"
I'd like that one, please.
"PSI Magnet…"
Actually, no, I want that one! Gimme that one!
"Cure…"
I cut in. "I'd like all of the above, please and thank you."
She shakes her head. "Time Bomb is offensive. Also, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like PSI Magnet, for what it's worth." What!? No!
"Nah, look yo, I can settle for PSI Magnet." I give a half-grin as if I'm making a compromise.
She shakes her head again. "No, no- the least I can do is give you something actually useful…"
The world doesn't want me to get good utility spells. Send help. Also, how is the ability to steal mana from enemies in a world of magic not useful!?
I fold my arms. "Fine…"
She looks at me and grins. "Sheesh. At least be happy about it… it's pretty tedious to just thumb through books like this, you know? You're lucky I even feel like helping you to begin with."
After a few more moments, she's got an answer. "I've got a good one for you!"
No, you don't.
She raises a finger. "Ligneous Apparatus Manifestation!"
...Say who now?
"I mean, even I could pull this one off, let me just…" Kosuzu squints really hard, focusing on her hand…
…
"...Well, maybe that's not… hold on…"
After dropping focus, she tries again…
…
"...W-well, you get the point…" she scratches her head awkwardly. No, I don't! What are these foreign words!?
She props up the spell tome. "Here, let me read the directions to you. First, open the palm of your hand."
Directions unclear: dick stuck in blender. Help.
"Next, envision a... quadrilateral? Yeah."
...That was a box, right? Square? I took Algebra!
"...O-oh, sorry, I meant uh… envision the quadrilateral in the palm of your hand. Sorry about that." Yeah, kinda figured already there, Sherlock.
"...Now, I want you to copy it, and expand it upward… almost in a box shape, I guess. Yeah. Think of a box, actually. Forget what I said earlier, think of a box in your hand." Kosuzu, you're shot. Freakin' translators, yo.
…
…
Is she uh…
She snapped to attention. "Oh, right. Sorry about that, I just kinda got carried away reading. You see, the wording was a little off in this one part and-"
"I'm trying to focus on the spell here!" I raise my voice back at her.
"A-alright! Geez!" Kosuzu shoves her face into the book.
…
"...Now just, like, think of the smooth wood you see in finely crafted tables. Fill the box with that wood. Imagine it materializing."
Alright…
After a few moments of focusing on my hand, a green glow lightly washed over it as a box slowly formed. Maintaining focus, I oversaw the materialization process to the very end. I had achieved…
...making a very simple wooden box. It was the size of like… a Rubix cube or something.
I smile. "That was the warm-up course, right? When's the bigger boxes?"
Kosuzu blinks. "...What do you mean?"
...C'mon, Kosuzu, work with me… "...I mean, this isn't that uh… useful, to be honest."
She jerked her head back. "With a name like Ligneous Apparatus Manifestation? I didn't squint my eyes over that horrible grammar just to receive ungratefulness in return!"
I drop the block on the floor and repeat the casting process faster this time. At least it doesn't use much mana, but uh…
Clunk. I drop my new block on the first block.
...Clunk. I drop my third block on the second.
...Clunk.
...Clunk.
Kosuzu claps her hands together. "See!? It's magic!" She bends down and grins at the blocks. "...You don't see a lot of this in the village these days… Everyone's so afraid of the arcane…"
Curious, considering the village is freakin' surrounded by- Hold the phone, didn't Keine and Sakuya duel over the village just a few days ago? Surely they count that as 'arcane'. If they don't, then I'll eat that mob cap I stole from Remilia's wardrobe. Or Kaguya's wig.
...I don't think this justifies denying me PSI Magnet… or Cure…
Standing up, she then smirks at me. "...I don't think you can hurt anybody with this either!"
You done did it, yo. Now I will have to find a way to hurt someone with this. Maybe if I build a rea~lly tall tower and slowly tip it over on someone sitting on a bench…
I smirk back at her. "What if I chuck it at people, yo?"
"Then I think there's nothing I could have done to prevent you from harming others in the first place. You'd be the type of person who assaults others with pencils and stuff. Not a lot I can do about that." She shrugs.
Hmmm…
Ooh! "Pencils can't be used with slingshots, yo! Dude, now you're like, my weapons dealer. We can be partners in crime! While you're at it…" I take out the box of cartoonishly large sniper rounds. "Can you find a way to replicate these?"
Kosuzu sighs. "You're one of those village idiot types, aren't you?... At the very least, I guess that means you're not out to hurt anyone. Purposefully, anyway."
She's kinda right about that!
She looks at the box of sniper bullets. "...I don't really know what… Oh! I think I saw those!" She turns around a bit, unable to decide on which way to go for a little while, before she eventually moves towards a book pile and starts sifting through them.
"It was a… a…" She sifts through the pages of some kind of encyclopedia. "Bullet! That's what it was!" She turns to me and shows me the page. It had a crude drawing of a bullet on it, and the book was apparently handwritten. I couldn't read the handwriting for the life of me, let alone whatever language it was.
...Kosuzu tilts her head. "Why're you carrying bullets, anyway? You don't carry these… projectile dispensers, do you?"
Projectile dispensers. Tools with which one distributes projectiles to their friends! "Nope. I don't." I wish- actually, I had the opportunity to take the rifle for these bullets. I just don't think I'd live to tell the tale if I ever fired it.
"...In any case, I don't think I could duplicate those things. Maybe you could, bu~t… I don't think letting you read this book's a good idea." Kosuzu hugs the tome to her chest.
I step back a bit as if taken aback. "What's the big problem with me readin' it, yo? Can't I take a glance?"
...Kosuzu narrows her eyes at me, but then her eyes widen. She then presses her hand against an open page, and then shows me the book.
...It's uh… Well, I can tell you it's not in Japanese. It's not in English, either. Whatever these moon runes were, I still couldn't read them, however.
"...What language is this even in?" I hold the book sideways, because we all know holding something you don't understand sideways is going to make it understandable.
"Russian, I think." Kosuzu nods.
"...You think." Wasn't she just reading it? Yo…!
"I don't know! I picked a language and committed to it!" she irately shot back.
...You mean learning Russian, or what? I tilt my head. I'm confusded!
In any case, Kosuzu decided not to dignify my confusion with a response, and proceeded to put the tome back on a pile of other tomes. "...Was that all you'd need? If so… I don't mean anything personal by it, but could you get out of my house?"
No. I need PSI Magnet and Cure and all that other overpowered shit! What kind of tome is that, anyway!?
...Although, I had things I could be doing, now that it was day.
"Alright, yo. I'll be around town, friend." I wave at Kosuzu.
"Don't get lynched by the guards, or anything. That'd be bad." Kosuzu promptly saw me off.
I appreciate the sentiment, but no shit!
With that, I took off into the streets!
…
"Hey, there he is!" Holy shit, was I that bad at being inconspicuous? It's only been like, a minute. Normally, people just glaze over me! I think it's the freakin' monk robes…
I hear some guards scuffle towards me, so I start scuffling myself, racing through the crowd. I had a good time doing so because I was very much used to negotiating myself through school hallways!... and the village paths were really not that much different, aside from the whole 'everyone going everywhere' bit of disorganization.
...Which was kinda the same as some school intersections, actually. The easiest way to go about getting through one was just plowing through everyone and hoping no one plowed back.
And so began my rude excursion of shoving people aside on the street!
"Hey, watch it, buddy!" Sorry!
"Holy… really!?" Apologies!
As I ran by a girl, I… oh, right. No one's wearin' short skirts in the winter, so I can't throw it up.
…
I just elbow her like the other guys, whatever.
"Ah! Excuse me!?" She whirls around to face me, and starts running after me.
Oh, boy! I had the best idea!
Conga line! Conga line!
I see Keine over at some sort of stand. I dunno what they sell there, but she's there!
Passing her, I stop next to her- I don't wanna stay here too long, though.
I feel something crash into me. Oh, right. That girl I literally just assaulted was on my ass the whole time.
"Got you!" she exclaimed, holding onto my arm. "Guards!"
I stomp on her foot, "Nope!" and then I push her into Keine.
Keine turns to face me, and freezes.
"You…"
...I'm contemplating blowing myself up with the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber just to get a speed boost, now.
Or maybe I could chuck freakin' wood blocks at people to not die as fast!
Either way I handle it, I have to book it now!
With reckless abandon, I cleave my way through the crowds as fast as I can.
"Eek!"
"You- Hey! Get the hell back here!"
"P-pervert! Someone, help, please!"
I have started the commotion!
I hear powerful stomping behind me, so I reached into my sack. Looking back for a moment-
"I go~t you!" Keine shouted triumphantly as she lunged for me.
Blam!
...I was left spinning by the blast of the Bawmber. Groggily, I grabbed it and started running. My everything hurts, now…
"U-ugh…" Keine was staggered, but not stirred, apparently. After a moment to regain her bearings, she ran pretty much as fast as she was before. Shieut!
Pocketing the Bawmber, I moved to take out the Escape Plan, because heaven knows I was going to need one after the mess I got myself in!
I pull it out, and begin running faster…!
"Gah!" "Aaugh!"
...I ran into a dude by accident. Sincerest sorrows, again!
I run from him as Keine attempts to lunge for me, and clips the guy instead.
"A-oouch!"
Oof, yo. Her arm like, displaced him completely. Rip, friend.
...One again, I found myself with an angry mob after me. This happens way too often...
"Face your crimes!" Keine barks to me from behind. I hear an angry murmur from the guards who are quite, quite far behind us but are now many in number. It'd probably do them good to drop the armor, or something. They might just box me in anyway.
...Between Keine and the guards were angry villagers. They were friendly, dude.
"The British are coming! The British are coming!" I shout, running down the streets of the human village as just a storm of pain is trailing me.
"Ough!" "Fu-augh!"
...I hit another guy. Eheh…
I scramble to my feet and bolt as Keine reaches for my feetsies. Ooo~!
"Damn it!" Keine must've barely missed.
"Haha~h!" I squee to myself. Despite the creeping aches, and the impending doom, running was quite enjoyable!... while I'm running, at any rate. Once I stop and the pain kinda sets in, that's probably gonna change pretty quickly.
I near the village square again! I hear the chime of a shop's bell for a moment, and then-
Thud! "Oof…"
I crashed into something. I was a little too busy looking down as I run as I usually do, and looking towards the sound of the chime, which came pretty close to where I was.
Thud! "Yes! Ye~s!" Jesus Christ, Keine. Don't freakin' blow your load on me, here.
Whomp! Thud! Thud! Boof!
An angry murmur came from the chasing villagers.
...A symphony of clanks came from behind them, presumably the guards running into each other.
As it turns out, Gensokyo has traffic pile ups, too!
...So in summary, I was pretty much smooshed into someone of vague description, while Keine pretty much was clung to me as villagers smooshed her into me, and then they got smooshed into her by the guardsmen who all ran into each other… and this isn't including anyone the guardsmen pissed off along the way, if anyone.
...My face is pressed so hard against the person's back, I can't see anything! My nose is getting crushed!... For what it's worth, it smells perfumey though. A girl, maybe?
Working my head around, I got a glimpse of plaid material.
Oh. Well, maybe it's just someone, uhh…
The pile up shifts a bit, and I get a better look…
Green hair. Plaid clothes, green hair.
…
I'd like to go back to not knowing who this is.
"This ends here!" Keine roars, pulling me and her from the pile. A collective murmur of surprise came from the villagers.
"Waaugh!" I wail. 'Cause, y'know… waaugh!
Yuuka turns around. "...If I wanted a back massage, I would've gone to a beauty salon."
Keine stops and looks at her.
The villagers stop and look at her.
The few guards who worked their way around the villagers stop and look at her.
I stop and look at her.
"...First time in a good while the village has been this rowdy for absolutely no reason." Yuuka looks around at the chaos caused by our traffic jam. "Unfortunately, such an effort didn't even make me budge. I suppose I can't justify self-defense, then. Truly a misfortune."
The villagers decide the best idea would be to go about business as usual and fucking book it.
The guards cautiously approach… or what was left of them, anyway. The majority mysteriously vanished!
Keine stands up from me, leaving me on the ground. "Don't make me force my hand, Kazami. I am on the verge of rescuing this village from a large deal of further trouble and harm. You may do as you please, but you cannot deny me of this."
Keine confidently props her arms on her hips.
All is silent due to the absence of villagers and tension of the guards. Those blokes freakin' jetted!
The wind blows softly, long dead autumn leaves accompanying it here or there.
"...I take that as a challenge." Yuuka cracked her neck idly. "I like challenges."
I try to back away a bit, but Keine quickly stomps near my legs.
I wave my arm. "Hello, friend!"
Keine nods. "You're in league, hmm? Figures."
"Hahahah!" Yuuka begins laughing. "...You're amusing when you're in moods like these, Kamishirasawa-san. It's been quite some time since you've been on your anti-youkai crusades. Here I had thought that you'd finally settled down."
Keine glares at her. "I do what I must to protect the village. Only that much."
"And where does that line lie?" Yuuka begins walking towards her.
"Isn't it obvious?" Keine takes a defensive stance. "When something is a threat, remove it. Elementary. I happen to teach it, you know."
Yuuka smirks as if Keine said something amusing. "Pfft… Such a thought process is only fitting, I suppose."
...This reminds me of conversations in movies. It sounds like a lot of important shit is going on, but you'd never see a conversation this fluid in real life. Such ambiguous speaking'd be ripe for misunderstandings!
That, and because of that, I don't know what the hell usually goes on, either! From the looks of things, Keine and Yuuka've got beef, yo.
"...You can't stop me." Yuuka puts things simply.
"I can try." Keine scowls.
"Why?" Yuuka asks.
"You're being a threat." Keine explains.
"...How?" Half-smirk! The smirkiest of smirks…!
"You've terrorized the villagers." Keine's keepin' it brief, yo.
"...Pedantics. Besides, they terrorize themselves, most of the time." Yuuka shakes her head. "I bet more humans have killed each other in the past year than youkai, to be honest. It's not often that humans wander outside, not anymore. Not with that wall."
"Exactly. Not with that wall. The guarded wall that keeps the youkai out." Keine's still frowny faces!
"Not with that wall that keeps the humans in." Yuuka smirks cockily.
"So says the violent, sadistic youkai." Keine takes a deep breath. "I've had enough of your arrogance, Kazami. Leave now."
"...So, what's this you said about 'rescuing the village'?" Yuuka tilts her head.
"Leave!" Keine barks.
The wind softly blows.
Yuuka begins walking towards us.
I turn to Keine. "Can I stand up, now?"
She turns to me, angry. "...Is that all you have to say, you-"
She turned to see Yuuka sprinting towards her. She takes to the air to avoid a barrage of fists.
I stand up now that Keine was away from me, only for Yuuka to duck down and grab my ankle- forcing me to fall, again.
"Ah…" I breathe out. Freakin' surprised.
Yuuka holds me up by the ankle, and looks down at me. "...I suppose this matter is about you? No, you're not a youkai. Silly me." Yuuka drops me. Gee, thanks!
Keine tenses up for a moment, but calms once I'm dropped. "...Just leave, Kazami."
"Shut u~p…" Yuuka tiredly replies. "I heard you the first time. You can't stop me, anyway."
I clamber up from the floor. "...I think I'll just let you guys settle this…" I begin walking away…
I'm grabbed by the collar. Yuuka, make up your mind.
"Nah. I have business to settle with you."
Woah no.
"...Leave the youkai here." C'mon, Keine. Turn that frown, upside down~!
"...Youkai?" Yuuka looks at me and squints. "...Al~right. No. I'll take the… 'youkai' with me." Oh, thank fuck, Yuuka's not as fookin' stoopid as Keine's being.
"Land Sign! Three Sacred Treasures… Mirror!"
Blue danmaku begins raining across the village's everythings, which was probably a normal Tuesday by this point.
Large green orbs shot out into the air in a spread, slowly. Subtle magic circles whirled around, which seemed to be the source of the blue and red danmaku that was probably going to make the village eat shit in a few moments.
...I just had the amusing thought that everyone carries danmaku-resistant umbrellas around for those particularly rainy days. Nah, that'd be too smart for the villagers… but now I've got something to look for!
Yuuka draws her parasol and promptly steals my idea. Well, shit. Now I can't go around telling people I made it up…
I brace myself for the pain, but Yuuka moves smoothly enough that the bullets don't even-
Eaugh!
…
Nevermind. A few graze her, and whenever they do, she makes sure to position herself so they just hit me. Freakin' bitch…
"You can't hope to win, Kamishirasawa! I've got more than enough armor to complement my speed!" Yuuka gleefully yells to her adversary.
Keine grimaces as Yuuka weaves her way through the bullets.
By the way, ouch.
Pain! Aagh!
"E-egh…" I groan a bit as more of the small kunai bolts clip me. I had enough getting the shit beat out of me these past few days, yo!
"Rescue this!" Yuuka cheers, closing her parasol and aiming it at Keine.
Vrrrrr~!
Promptly, all of Keine's danmaku was annihilated, a large laser engulfing her.
As it fizzled out, Keine was left floating weakly in the center of it.
"...D-damn it…"
Yuuka huffs, pleased. "Disappointing, to be sure. Come, boy. We're going to have a talk, you and I." I'll definitely break out of your iron grip, Yuuka. Uh-huh. For sure. It's not like I'm totally powerless in this situation!
Yuuka begins flying towards her-
"I-I'm not done yet…"
Keine was looking a bit more determined, despite her more ruffled appearance.
Yuuka pursed her lips. "Ah… This was what I was anticipating."
"Ending Sign! Phantasmal Emperor!"
Holy shit, lasers!
Blue danmaku, accompanied by blue lasers, created a grand, all-blue light show over the village… and I had a front row seat!
I feel a danmaku laser pierce me for what I think was the first time. It made me wish real life had mercy invincibility because that fucking smarts!
"Aa-aahhhh! Fuck me!" I bark out, the laser smoothly passing through me as my body jittered in agony, and I tried to cope with the pain. I wasn't just gonna feel that in the morning, I was gonna feel that like a week from now!
"...This is almost getting bo~ring, were it not for Kamishirasawa-san's amusing banter." Yuuka complains.
I wasn't paying attention to what was happening, but-
Vrrrrr!
...Pretty sure Keine just lost.
Once again, when I looked at her, she was just floating in the air uselessly.
"...Now that that's settled…" Yuuka grins. "Let us-"
"N-no…"
Yuuka whirled around to face Keine, who was getting ready for round three.
"...Hmm?" Yuuka hummed curiously.
"...Hyah…!"
Keine lunged forward, sending a single, straight red laser outward. Yuuka angled herself so it'd hit me, but it was still awhile before it'd get here because Keine made it re~al slow…
As Yuuka watched Keine weakly float down towards the Earth, I had a suicidal idea. Fuck the laser!
I reached for Yuuka's crotch.
As I did so, her hand suddenly stopped me. Balls.
"...I was going to pretend to let that laser hit you."
Okay, I think I deserve this one. Bring- fuck it all!
"Daaa~mn…!" I curse slowly, focusing my pain into my swearing. Swearing makes the pain go away, yo…
Yuuka chuckled. "You're lucky you hadn't succeeded. I might have- no, I would have killed you."
Hyonk. Yeah, I felt pretty hopeless in this situation!... It's not like calling for help would do anything besides get my mouth stuffed full of parasol, lasers, and parasol lasers, which might I add are the worst kind of lasers.
Y'know, you're just going about your business on a rainy day and fwoom~! You opened your umbrella and a big ass anime laser comes out and downs the nearest airliner. Now you're on trial for slaughtering the innocents with the power of friendship!
…
If you couldn't tell, I was also bored. In the time I spent thinking of that ridiculous scenario, we seem to have departed for the sunflower field.
"...What do you fear most, human?" Yuuka asks me out of nowhere.
...If I really had to say, I guess it'd be getting teleported into a wall, and getting frozen carbon-freezing style like Han Solo. Imagine being awake for that time you were frozen. Shieut, man.
"...Answer me." Yuuka stopped flying and held me in the air magically, so she could glare at me face to face. I gotta admit, she was pretty!... even if she was about to disembowel me with parasol lasers!
"I dunno, I haven't ever given it much thought! I guess… I guess darkness. I mean, like, anything could be in it." Spoiler: The majority of the time, I do not fear darkness! While I do fear the fact that anything could be in it, I usually just tell myself that I'm the worst thing in it. Stuff doesn't wanna run into me by accident. I'm the king of the dark!
…
Maybe scratch off that last part. Being king of the dark isn't a good thing. All that means is that starry-eyed heroes of light come in droves to fuck your shit up with obscenely powerful weaponry. I would know so.
Yuuka smirks. "Darkness, huh? Is that rea~lly so scary?"
Time to ham it up! "H-... hey, c'mon, don't judge me." I weakly protest.
"Fufufu~! Don't worry, boy. After all, the worst thing you can find in the dark is me… and I'm not scary, am I?" She gives a wry grin for effect.
...You're right, yo. You're not scary. You sit in broad daylight hugging sunflowers! You don't even do stuff in the dark! I'd get freakin' gibbed if I said that, though!
I widen my eyes anyway, more so to take in the details of her smile. She really was freakin' pretty.
This makes me realize I've still not come up with a good slasher smile for myself! Not like I'd ever use it, mind you…but y'know, if I ever had the opportunity-
Suddenly I'm mobile again, Yuuka having been satisfied with my 'terror' and now lugging me around again. I gotta say, though, it feels weird having your blood rush to your head… although compared to the pain, I think I could manage.
"...Some brave adventurer you are. Scared of the dark…" Yuuka mutters just loud enough for me to hear her, before snorting in amusement.
…
… Are we there yet? Freakin'...
"Hey, Yuuka, whadda you fear most?" I ask back.
"I don't."
Well, that was productive!
"Is it bunny rabbits?"
She pauses, takes a glance at me, and keeps going.
"I'll just pretend you didn't say that, and you get to pretend you didn't nearly die today. At least, not from this moment." Yuuka quips, once again threatening my demise.
…
"It's times like these that I've gotta contemplate life's important questions." I begin.
"...Such as being quiet before the flower lady kills you?" Yuuka betrays her irritation with a threat, despite sounding completely neutral. I think.
"Nah. It's like… how can feet smell, if they don't have a nose?"
…
"Very carefully." Yuuka shamelessly steals my joke.
Shieut.
...
An~d…
We're here!
Floating over the field, Yuuka drops me next to the garden table, allowing me to use my arms to shield myself a bit. She floats down to the door of her house.
"Now, sit there and be a good boy. I actually have something for you… I'll just be a moment." With that, Yuuka departs into her house.
…
Quickly! Do all the things!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
When Yuuka walks back out, she finds her garden table's chairs have all been stacked up on the table and I was near the top, holding out Swift Brand and adjusting it ever so slightly every couple moments.
She blinks. "...What exactly are you doing with my furniture?"
I glance back at her. "I-I, look…" I take a moment to readjust the hanger as if I was busy. "I'm tryin' to get the big game! The signal just ain't comin' in!"
…
Yuuka kicks the table forcefully, and I leap from my chair tower and fall to the ground.
"Ouch…" I land on my side and oof. Talk about gettin' the wind taken outta you…
"Remember when I said I was going to give you a reward for solving the incident?" Yuuka sneered down at me.
Is the reward going to be kinky foot fetish malarky? If so, we might need a cut here-
A plant hanger drops onto the grass in front of me.
"Here."
Ooo~!
She laughs. "A plant hanger. Only fitting for someone such as yourself… and I heard you collect them, yes? That's your reward, then. An aged, used plant hanger. Did you expect anything more?" Yuuka triumphantly gazes down at me. "Fufufu… I upheld my end of the bargain. Be a good boy, and run along now. Play with your silly hanger, or something."
I examined the hanger. The part I normally held onto was foldable, having a button on it for the folding action. It had an orange and grey color scheme, seeming to be made of some old metal.
"What's it called?" I ask her.
She raises a brow. "...A plant hanger. Have you hit your head?... I'd like to imagine you did."
Trust me, Yuuka, deprecating banter goes right over my head!
I swing it a few times. Feels… like Swift Brand minus the upgrades. Really?
...The color scheme reminds me of something, though.
"...You're a freak." Yuuka deadpans, moving to rearrange her furniture that I disrupted. "Just go. I'll find you when I want you."
I smile. "Thanks for the new weapon, yo!"
With that, I got out my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter, and took off to the skies again…!
Yuuka blinked at me as I took off, seemingly still surprised by what I made. "That… thing. Right."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Touching down in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, I make my way to the fluffle stand.
"Raise for the appraisal!" I announce my presence to the fluffle!
"hi" it stares at me.
Y'see, that's whatcha gotta do yo! You gotta announce your authority to the pack, and then slowly bring'em to a close, like- nyeeeaauuu~!
…
Gensokyo does things to you, man.
Ha-chan hovers up from the Gensokyian wilderness, her outfit uneven and ripped in places.
"...I see you found friends." I smile at her.
She looked tired. "I wanna take a nap…"
"friends, hello" The fluffle was waving its fins.
I planted my new plant hanger on the table. "Read it and weep, friend! What's it called, what's it do?"
The fluffle looked up at me gingerly. "i dont weep, friend"
…
It proceeded to actually do as I told it! "the Market Gardener! able to deal critical hits when blast jumping; non-elemental" it explained, smiling as it finished.
...Just some o~ld plant hanger, she said? Just some old plant hanger!?
Du~de… Yuuka just gave me the stuff of legends!
Beaming, I grab Ha-chan by the shoulders.
"Huh…?" She gazes at me in confusion, her tired stupor showing.
"We're gonna go become rocket hopping hooligans, Ha-chan!" I shake her by the shoulders.
"...Sure?" Ha-chan's freakin' shot, yo. I dunno what she was out doin' all day, but she's all tuckered out, now!
Well, whatever, yo, I don't got time to lose tucking Ha-chan into bed! I'm too hype right now!
Meiling was outside the manor, staring up at the newly structured front wall.
"...That's gotta be enough distance from the throne room to be center. No… doubt… about it…" Meiling muttered to herself as she judged the structuring.
I walk up behind her and pat her on the back.
She jumps, and on reflex goes to elbow me, striking the Bawmber.
Blam!
Ouu~ch! For fuck's sa~ke! Haven't I endured enough bullshit today!?
Flying back, I try once again to strafe like the many FPS heroes of old, only to marginal success.
By marginal, I mean very little.
...which means I land flat on my ass outside the front gate, unable to strike anything. Life is rough, yo.
"...Huua~h…" I groan, standing up again. Existing takes effort!
"...Could you warn me next time!?" Meiling shouts from the gate, walking out to glare at me.
"No! I could not, because I was caught off guard too!" I yell back, a little grated by my pain.
"Well, don't be!" Meiling feistily retorts, making her way back to examine the front of the building.
Sheesh...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Ha-chan tiredly sat on the floor a little ways away from me, while I prepared myself to blast-hop with the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber through the library.
Oh, and by the way, we were in the library now.
"I wanna slee~p… Brad-ku~n…" Ha-chan murmured.
"Shhh! I'm huntin' for sandy fluffs…!" I whisper to her with bated breath, even if it was entirely unnecessary.
You see, about a few aisles down from me, Patchouli, Remilia, Flandre, and some fairy frikers were all examining that tubby fluffle from earlier. I couldn't have that, yo! I gotta prove to them I can exert an iron hanger upon all of fluff...ity? Fluffanity? Fluff-kind, basically. Whatever!
Oh, yeah. I named him George Jetson, didn't I?
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GEORGE JETSON'S PERSPECTIVE ====
im surrounded by friends!
"this specimen is quite large compared to the rest" purple lady said
"hes cuddly" the little red lady said
"im tubby" i corrected
"for the love of… we heard that the first twenty times you insufferable fluffball!" the mean scarlet lady said
and then there were expluu~sions! help!
i wave my fins to request help
"';',;.',;.';,'.;" empbem
i tell my friend
";,';.',;.',;.';,.',;'." bempembem
help is not coming
oh no
[[ ]]
';,.';,';.',;.
…
…
…
[[ END TRANSMISSION ]]
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
I jump back as I slam Bee-Sheventeen against the floor-
Blam!
"Aaa~gh!" I hoarsely yell. You may wish to inquire why I'm freakin' hurting myself again.
I mean… I was already in a hell of a lot of pain, so I figured a little more wouldn't kill me. You see, when I'm not in pain, I can easily say things like 'pain is just weakness leaving the body!'
...It's a totally different story when you're in pain, though.
Nearing the top of the book shelf, I tighten my hold on the Bawmber and slam it down hard against the shelf top.
Boom!
"Fuuhuu-uu-..." My voice cuts out! Probably not a sign of good things! Ooouuhoouuhouu…
Touhou, huh? More like touhouch!
…
As I near the floor, I man up and take the next blast to propel myself towards the fluffle like a man, because I deserved it for my incredibly shite pun.
Bam!
U-ugh… Why did I ever think this was a good idea!?
Flying high into the air, I brandished the Market Gardener as I glared down at the tubby form of George Jetson.
"For the love of… We heard that the first twenty times, you insufferable fluffball!" Remilia snapped as her patience wore thin at George Jetson.
The fluffle wailed as I descended.
"Waaa~l!"
As I fell, I swiped the Market Gardener towards the head of George Jetson.
Smaaa~sh!
Time seemed to slow as I struck the fluffle, and my eyes fixated on the point of contact, the fluffle's head slowly being pushed inward by the blow. Despite me knowing the fluffle had little but dust in it, my arm shook as if I struck a rock, even though I could quite clearly see the plant hanger piercing the fluffle's dusty exterior and interior.
...Then I hit the floor.
"Haa~h!" I yelled in pain as I collapsed on the floor. The fluffle exploded into a mess of fluff and dust, prompting Patchouli to hastily make a retreat from it.
Remilia was covered in stuffing. "...I... What?"
Flandre blinked. "...Why?"
From the floor, I grin through my pain, and make that cross motion on my torso with my hand, that thing some religious folks do. "You were fluffy… and now you're dead. Amen."
Hells to the yeah.
Also, ouch. Like, really ouch. Fuck.
"...Well, at least I don't have to do it myself." Remilia folded her arms.
"He was fluffy…" Flandre sat down on the ground, looking melancholic.
Remilia glanced at her sister, then looked a little guilty. "...Look, Flan, I'll find you a better toy. One that isn't as insufferable… or dusty, for that matter."
Flandre smiled, and looked up at her sister. "...Thanks, Remi!"
Woohoo! I happened to make a sisterly bonding moment by being an asshole and gibbing a fluffle! That extra pain I put myself through was almost worth it!
Reluctantly, I stand up. I'd like to just go to sleep there on the floor, but y'know… stuff and things.
"...Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit me…?" I comment, feeling my aching everythings.
"...You've seen better days, I take it." Remilia comments.
"Yeah." I grin. "Today was good. Painful, too!... but good."
She nods. "That's nice."
I hold up the Market Gardener. "Meet… the Market Gardener, yo."
Patchouli floats up as the dust has finally finished settling. "Yet another chunk of metal for your collection. What pseudo-magical properties does this one have imbued within it this time?"
"If I'm falling from a blast-jump, I hit things thrice as hard, and whatever damage I do is thrice as much!" I grin wickedly! It's awesome!
…
"...That seems incredibly situational and not entirely intuitive to use." Patchouli replies, eying it boredly.
"It is, infact, extremely situational! But it's very dynamic and powerful if used correctly!" I defend it.
"Mmm… I doubt it." Patchouli dismisses it.
Patchy, as much as I wanna get into your robes, I take offense to that!
"Just you wait, yo. I'm gonna market garden some freakin' noobs!" Mark my words, miss Knowledge!
…
Just not today, because I don't want to lose my legs!
"...Sure." Patchouli begins to float off. "Now, since that situation was… settled, I suppose I'll return to my studies."
You do that, cuddle mage!
…
Remilia floats off, and Flandre follows her. The assorted fairy frikers just begin leaving.
"H-hey, help, friends! Me need bed, need!" Maybe if I talk like a caveman, they'll help!
A brown-haired fairy with a very interesting pupil design approaches me. "H-hey…"
I look at her, and see she has red sevens for eyes, like the kind you'd see on a slot machine. She must be really lucky! "Hello, friend."
"You're that Brad guy, right?" she confirms.
I nod. "Yes. Help."
She smiles. "That's good… I need some help, too…"
I'm not in a very good position to be helping people, right now…!
"Look, that's great- listen, could you bring me to a bed so I can freakin' die, yo?" Figuratively, of course!
Her eyes widen. "D-die!? No! You can't die! I still need your help!" She leaps on me and begins shaking my shoulders.
"H-h-he~y, yo, cut that out! It was a figure of speech!" I resist her shaking antics!
"...W-well, it wasn't a good one." she huffs, folding her arms.
...The conversation's dead, Jim! We're just staring at eachother awkwardly now! She's still lying on me, too, which isn't making this easy for my hormones!
"W-what!?" She suddenly jumps off of me.
"I dunno!" I yell. What's she freakin' out about!?
"P-pervert…!"
Oh.
Then she kicks me in the freakin' face!
"F-aah!" I blurt in pain, my consciousness fading…
She freezes. "...W-wait, come back!"
Too late, sheela! You done did… knocked me out...
…
...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I was sitting in a room with no doors with a limbless fluffle.
"im a walnut" it corrected me.
Oh, excuse me.
I was sitting in a room with a limbless walnut. I wanted to hug it.
"Aww." I stared at the 'walnut'.
The room was empty, the walls a pasty green and the floors a bland, speckled blue. The ceiling was tan.
The limbless 'walnut' was in one of those high chairs for babies. I was sitting in a cheap, blue, plastic seat.
I got up and approached the 'walnut', and gave it a big sniff.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
My eyes shot open.
"...Smells fluffy." I muttered to myself.
I was in some bedroom, or something, still in my monk robes. Speaking of which, monk robes were really freakin' nice to sleep in compared to shirts and pants…
"...Oh, you're awake!" the brown-haired fairy maid jumped to attention. "...S-sorry about, uhm… knocking you out like that. You startled me, was all…"
She's vaguely sensible, apparently. "...Daz koo, yo."
"...What?"
Sigh. "...That's cool, yo."
"O-oh…"
…
Can anyone spell awkwa~rd?
I stand from the bed, now feeling refreshed and restored!... kinda. Still ached in a few places, but I'm not dead! Now I'm only dead on the inside!
"...I haven't introduced myself yet, but you can call me Seven. My friends call me Seven-chan." Seven formally introduces herself.
"Hello." I wave at her.
"...Hey." She waves back.
Seven-chan, huh? Where've I heard that before…?
"...So, uhm… I still have something I need you to help me with." Seven timidly pokes her fingers together.
Spit it out already, friend.
She looks very reluctant about expressing this. "...I'm… I have a fear of boxes."
Bam! The door swung open!
"He~y, Brad-kun! Look what I have~!" Ha-chan barges into the room, holding a large box of things. I dunno what's inside!
Seven's pupils contract. "..."
Ha-chan hurries up to my bedside and dumps the box down. Eagerly, she rips it open and takes out some things from inside.
"Look!" She gets really excited and takes out some oranges. "Fruits of the Earth!"
...I mean, I like oranges, but uh… what?
Thud.
I look over to Seven, who has collapsed on the floor, and was now jittering manically.
"A-aah… N-no, no no no!" She starts flailing her legs and sticks her hands in the air. "No~!"
Ha-chan pauses to look at her, then smiles. "Hey, Seven-chan!"
"Hahhh, hahhh, hahhh, hahhh…" Seven was hyperventilating, pushing herself along the floor until she reached a corner. With fearful eyes, she looked at the box. "G-get...guh…"
Ha-chan tilts her head, and pouts. "...Are you alright, Seven-chan? What's wrong?"
"Gagah… B-b… Huuaahh!" Seven inhaled deeply.
"...I'm sure she'll get over it!" Ha-chan turned to me jovially. "Here!"
Ha-chan took out an armful of oranges from the box and dumped them on me.
...What am I supposed to do with all these oranges!?
She then took another armful and dumped them on me, and now I was sitting up and oranges were rolling behind me…
What the hell am I supposed to do with all these oranges, Ha-chan!?
"Ha-chan, what am I supposed to-"
"Shhh, just relax, Brad-kun…" For whatever reason, she interrupts me, and drops more oranges in my lap.
Seven was sobbing in the corner of the room, now in a fetal position. "...Oohh…"
Sakuya chose this moment to walk in on us.
"Brad, you are requested in the-"
...She pauses and watches Ha-chan dump oranges on me. She then turns to look at Seven, who is still sobbing in the corner.
"...I'll come back later. I appear to be interrupting something. My sincerest apologies." Sakuya hastily shuts the door.
I still don't know what the fuck Ha-chan is doing to me.
"Ha-chan, why are all these oranges in my lap?"
She jerks her head back, disbelieving."...They're tangelos."
Of course they are.
"P-please… n-no more…" Seven is still losing her freakin' mind over there!
That's it, yo, I had to do something!
I roll out of bed away from Ha-chan, accidentally crushing oranges in the process, and then slip on oranges as I get out of bed.
"What the fuck's with all the oranges!?" I yell, sliding around on like, a layer of oranges.
"I-I don't know! I like oranges!" Ha-chan defends her pride.
After a long and trying battle against the Orange Star Army, I finally got to the box, and slid it off the bed. Oranges spilled out onto the floor…
...and kept spilling.
"Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you- Wau!" I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of oranges pouring out and was once again swept away.
"No!" Ha-chan desperately tries to lift the box again, but the stream of oranges stops her.
"T-thank… god…" Seven exhales deeply, unable to see the box since it's on the other side of the bed. "It's finally over…"
I slide up next to her against my will, being pushed by the oranges. "...Hi."
She looks over at me. "...Hey."
...Then she looks at the oranges. "...W-what happened!?"
Ha-chan slid into us. "Fun!"
"Pain." I substitute.
...The room was still filling! We better all know how to freakin' swim!
...The door opens again.
"What- Wait!"
Sakuya was assaulted by a torrent of oranges as she opened the door.
"W-wa~h!"
She fell into the wave, and got swept away.
"H-hold…!"
Have fun out there, Sakuya!
That's it, I had to put an end to this madness…!
I took out Swift Brand and started blowing back oranges.
Fwooosh!
Fwooo~sh!
Swimming, sliding, tripping, and diving my way through the oranges, I reach the bed. When I get to the still-flowing box, I proceed to smash it with Swift Brand.
"Freakin' die already!"
Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!
It was still flowing!
Thunk! Thunk!
Cra~ck!
I broke open the wooden crate, and all the sides of it collapsed. The oranges ceased pouring out. I have defeated the orange menace!
"...Okay…" I take a deep breath, lying in a sea of oranges.
Ha-chan was over with Seven, and they were still discussing stuff and things.
Sakuya appeared in the door, floating. She didn't look too happy! "...Brad, why is a steady stream of oranges flowing from this room?"
I shrug. "Look, ask Ha-chan. I'm just as confused as you are."
Ha-chan looked scared at the presence of Sakuya. "U-uhm… I-I don't know! Seven-chan did it!"
"W-what!? No! That fucking box did it! Boxes always do everything! Fuck boxes!" Seven got very aggressive by the end of her sentence.
…
"I'm sure if the box was alive, it'd be accusing me. I insist it was Ha-chan, though." I helpfully provide.
Sakuya sighs. "Look… just clean up all these oranges. I don't care where you put them, just… get rid of them, or at least contain them."
With that, she tries to shut the door, but fails.
"...I'll just leave this open…" she mutters, floating away.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Standing in some arbitrary hall, Ha-chan and I are ready to instruct Seven in the art of not-fearing-boxes!
...and if you're wondering what happened to those tangelos, let's just say it'd be a bad idea if Sakuya ever opened that room again. Which is unfortunate, because that happened to be Seven's bedroom. She'll just have to sleep in mi- yeah I don't even have one. Nor does Ha-chan at this point either, I think.
The fairy life is the rough life, friend.
...Oh, yeah. Stuff was happening!
Ha-chan was dressed in a suit of boxes. "Oogity boogity, Seven-chan! I'm gonna eat you~!"
Seven-chan was fighting primally to escape from the box monster, but I held her in place as she flailed and threw her limbs about. "Aaaa~hhh! Aaa~hhh! Noo~!"
"It's okay- it's okay! Just calm down, Seven! Seven, listen to me!" I yell at her. She begins elbowing me and clawing my arms, which are around her waist. "S-seven, stop! Seven, it's all going to be okay! Seven!"
"Rawr!" Ha-chan playfully wiggled her arms, which were covered in boxes that were all daisy-chained together on her arm.
"A-aahhh! No, no no no! Get me away! Stop! Please!" Seven cries. Tears were streaming from her eyes, and she was screaming. Fuckin'... if I knew it was going to be this bad, I woulda tried to nab Ganpeki's bulldozer suit and some earplugs!
"P-please… S-stop…" Seven's resistance begins to falter. About time, because I was beginning to get tired of the thrashing!
"...Stop…" She began sniffing. "W-why…?"
I was starting to feel bad. I mean, shieut. How scared was she of boxes, anyway? She can respawn!
"...A-aahh...waahh..." Seven stared solemnly at the box-adorned Ha-chan, tears streaming down her face as she began sobbing.
"...C'mon now, it's not that bad, is it?" I try to comfort her. "...Look, nothing's happening, see?"
Ha-chan wiggles her arms again. "Raa~h!"
Seven flinches violently, but gives no other reaction.
"...Seven?" I look over to her face.
…
"Raawr!" Ha-chan moves her arms again, but this time nothing happened.
…
"...You okay?" This is gettin' we~ird, dude…
…
"...Seven-chan?" Even Ha-chan noticed!
…
"...We could stop if-"
"STO~P!" Seven bellowed, and suddenly I was blasted away by a violent magical force.
"Shi~t!"
Bam!
...I did not need to be thrown into a wall this early in the morning. Was it morning? It's probably night, now… whatever, it was morning to me.
Looking back to Seven, she was now in the air as velvet magic swirled around her. Her eyes were cycling wildly, sevens rolling down like a slot machine… except every slot was a seven! Not all of them were red, though. Green, blue, and yellow sevens were in her eyes as well.
"I~! Haa~te! Bo~xes!" Seven roared, a furious glare resting on Ha-chan.
Ding! One of the sevens stopped on a blue one.
Ding! The other stopped on a blue one.
Ding ding ding ding~!
"Fucking die! Lucky Freeze!"
She threw her arms forward, and at first nothing happened.
…
Tick-tick-tick-tick…
A box of frost formed around Ha-chan, multiple diamonds of ice forming in the air around her.
Uh oh.
FwashFwashFwashFwash!
The ice expanded and materialized rapidly… and then evaporated. But this did not happen once, it happened four times in rapid succession.
Pi~chun!
...The boxes were in frosty bits on the ground, and Ha-chan was deader than a doornail. Talk about a critical hit...
...The fuck was a doornail, anyway!?
Seven slowly floated towards the ground. Once she landed, she fell to her knees and looked at her hands.
"...W-what…"
...Slowly, I approached her. "...Ooo~kay. Soo~... about them boxes…"
Her head shoots towards me, and her expression contorts to one of anger, but it quickly changes back to her shocked one. "...I-I…"
I shrug. "Don't look at me, yo. I'm not the one who just went slot machine and beat the shit out of a fellow fairy with the power of a chilling gambling addiction."
I'm gonna call it now: each seven combination was a different element, or something. What if she got different colors, though? Combo spells? Maybe…
"...What's your element, Seven?" If she says 'slot machines' I'm gonna freakin' brutally murder her.
"...Well, mistress said it was luck, but… I-I never felt very lucky…" Seven shakily explained.
Mmm… figures as much. I'm gonna assume that activated because of stress and she can't just randomly go slot machine on people and kick their asses.
"...Well, guess what?" I ask her.
"...What?" She tilts her head towards me.
"You're a million times more freakin' lucky than me! Where's my crazy bullshit abilities when I get in trouble!?" Seriously!
Seven looks at me, as if offended. "I-it… It wasn't my choice to have this!"
Yo! "I wasn't accusing you, I was accusing myself! Calm down, lady luck!"
…
Seven sighed. "Fine. S-sorry, I guess…"
…
"Look, I-I've gotta go… I gotta get out of here!" Seven got up, and began running down the halls.
…"Don't die, friend!" I wave at her, but she doesn't acknowledge me.
That definitely won't come back to bite me in the ass, like the other things I've said this to that did!
Well… Ha-chan's freakin' dead… again. Didn't Sakuya say I was needed somewhere? I'm glad she didn't elaborate on that, because now I have absolutely no idea where to go. I'll just randomly bug people and see what happens.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Swinging the door open, I invade the room! "Hello, world!"
Remilia looks up from her table. "...Oh, it's you." She resumes drowning herself in tea.
Sip!
"Yeah, yo. It's me." Hyonk!
I walk up and sit at the tea table. "...Still renovating, huh?"
She huffs. "Partially because of you, yes." Sip!
"...You should try kool-aid." I suggest. "It's fun."
"I did." Remilia admitted. "...It's not an experience I would recommend. Sakuya told me I was behaving similarly to Flan the last time I really sat down and drank a pitcher."
Well… "There's your problem, you downed an entire pitcher!"
She glared at me. "...This discussion is over."
Yowza. Didn't know kool-aid freakin' grated the nerves!
...Sip!
"How often do you need to take a tinkle? I mean, with how much you drink…"
Remilia pauses, and just stares at me.
"...What? It's a legitimate question!" Yeah, I'm going to hell, aren't I?
"Do you honestly expect me to tell you?" Remilia states, exasperatedly.
...Well… "Only a little." I think my smiling throws all my statement's credibility to the wind, here.
"...Honestly, if you had asked me that question a week ago, I'd-"
I cut in! "Kill me and gut me like a fish, yes. I know, yo."
Remilia glares at me again, and resumes sipping her tea. Sip!
…"Smart ass."
Hehehehyo~nk!
Sakuya appears! "More tea, mistress?"
Oh, believe me, she doesn't need more tea. Just give her a bottomless kettle thing and be done with it.
"Thank you, Sakuya." Remilia smiles as Sakuya pours tea into her cup, and sets the kettle down. There were now two kettles on the table, Jesus Christ.
Sakuya looks at me. "...Didn't I tell you your presence was requested in the library?"
I shake my head. "No, because you were swept away by oranges, and you thought me and one of your maids was having kinky fruit flavored sex in the back."
Remilia nearly drops her tea cup. "...W-what!?"
Sakuya nervously gauges her mistress' reaction, and looks back at me. "...Well, it is."
I look to Remilia, who looks very skeptical. "...Sakuya, explain." she commands.
"...Well, I don't know what Brad and Hana were doing, but the room was filled with oranges, Hana was dumping them on Brad, and that other maid, Seven, was crying in the corner as oranges began surrounding her." Sakuya awkwardly explained, growing more nervous as her explanation went on.
…
Remilia facepalmed. "...Look, Brad…"
Oh boy! "That's my name!"
"...I don't mind you having sex with the maids now and then, just… There's a limit to these things, you know? Like 'don't flood the room with oranges'. I mean…" Remilia trails off, blushing. Shaking her head, she brings the discussion to a close. "Just go. Get out, go do whatever the hell Sakuya's telling you to do. Just… ugh…"
With that, Remilia sets her head down on the tea table.
...Sakuya looks back at me. "I… think you should leave. Mistress needs a moment to compose herself."
I can see that…!
With that, I was ushered out of the room by Sakuya, who calmly shut the door behind me.
…
"Man, that was awkward!" I merrily exclaimed to the world, setting off to find the library.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"...Do you think I handled that correctly, Sakuya?" Remilia asked her maid.
'How am I supposed to know!?' "Well… It was satisfactory, mistress."
"...Hmph." Remilia huffed.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Arriving, I was greeted to the plethora of bookshelves and complete loss of my sense of direction! Ahhh, this feeling was beginning to grow on me…
Koakuma steps out from behind some bookshelves. "...Hey, you."
I look around as if she was talking to someone else. "...Me?"
"Yes, you." Koakuma emphasized. "Who else could I be talking to?"
I hold up my left hand and begin clapping it open and closed. I point at it with my other hand. "...Him?"
Koakuma shook her head. "...Just follow me."
Good enough for me!
Koakuma quickly weaves us through the shelves to Patchouli's study. That was easy!
I wave at her. "Hello, magical friend."
Patchouli looks up from her book at me. "I have a task to request of you."
Oh, boy! A chance to raise my relationship points, yo! "Sure, magical friend."
"I need more books back from Marisa." she requests again.
"Again?" I've already done that! She hardly even has a house to store things in anymore!
"...You see, she recently stopped by and swindled me of some unneeded, but still valuable books regardless. I would like you to retrieve them, for me." Patchouli explains. "It's only fair, since I was the one who lended Remi's hammerspace bag to you. Remember?"
Graa~h… "And then I actually completed the task you had set out for me, in record time. And then I beat the shit out of a bunch of fairies." I think we're even enough!
"...So what you're saying is that you're not grateful for the supplies I've generously loaned to you?" Patchouli tries to stare me down.
"What I'm sayin' is you's actin' like a bitch!" Damn straight, me!
Her eyes widen, then she glares at me. "What did you just call me?"
I hold my hands up. "Look, I appreciate the stuff, but didn't I already do some favors? Besides, I've got a couple feelings as to how this whole 'steal books from Marisa' thing is going to go, and none of them end pretty. Can't you just send me out to find reagents or something?" I say that knowing full and well that I'd have no freakin' idea how to find any of them.
Besides, I'm sure Marisa'd either be prepared for me, or prepared to hunt me down better. She knows I'd be out to snag her books this time around.
"...Fine." Patchouli gives an exaggerated sigh. "To think I thought such a human remotely humble."
I shrug. "Look, yo-"
She raises from her chair. "No, you listen to me, child. I need this job done, and I need it done right. I don't care what selfish reasons you have for declining my offer, but it seems I'll have to persuade you through more drastic measures."
Patchouli aims her hand downward from her book, and sprays ice over my legs before I can react in time.
"Oh, shit!" They're stuck to the floor! Curse you, common binding tropes!
"I'll make you help me." Patchouli stared down at me as she floated into the air.
I rolled my eyes. "Baah, what're you gonna do? Cripple me? Kill me? Trap me in a bed again? All of these have consequences that you might find undesirable, Patchy!" I called her her nickname just to be a tosser!
...Also, I'd like the whole bed-trapping thing again, just don't get Koakuma involved. She's a man-eater, yo!
"...No, I'll just be annoying right back." Patchouli retorted. "Koakuma!"
Koakuma's eyes lit up from the sidelines. "Ye~s, mistress!?"
...What did I say about getting Koakuma involved? Baah…
Patchouli smirks at me. "...What's your final offer? Assist me, or you'll belong to my familiar from now on."
You say 'from now on' but you know she'd swallow my soul on night one. No thanks!
By the way, I just realized my arms weren't binded and I have access to my sack. Damn, am I a tool?
I slowly make for it… actually, no. I'll hold up a moment. "...C-can I think this one through?"
Patchouli giggles. "Heheh… Go ahead. I have all day, Brad…" With that, she brings her book back up and begins staring at it. She's still got her eyes on me, so…
...now we play the waiting game…
…
…
…
"Make up your mind already!" Koakuma barked into my ear suddenly. I flinched, but didn't react otherwise, still staring at Patchouli who was growing increasingly bored keeping an eye on me.
…
…
…
Patchouli slowly floated back down, and sat at her desk. Our eyes never left each other.
…
…
…
"I'll make it worth your while…" Koakuma whispers into my ear, caressing my torso with her arm. As fun as this is, I refuse to take my eyes off that purple-haired slavedriver!
…
…
…
"...I can wait." Patchouli reiterates, now revealing that she was infact looking at me, even though I could clearly see it.
…
…
…
"I've got all day." Patchouli starts reading her book for realsies, still shooting glances over at me.
…
…
…
"...Koakuma, could you fetch me a drink?" Patchouli orders her familiar.
Koakuma jerks her head to look at her. "W-what? But mistress-"
"It's obviously going to take a while, Koakuma. Just leave him be."
…
"Fi~ne… What do you want?" Koakuma's comfortable hands instantly ripped themselves from my body, leaving me cold and alone, yo. At least her eyes aren't on my sack!... both of them, for that matter!
Freakin' succubi, dude.
"...Some tea would be nice." Patchouli decided.
Koakuma sighed. "I'll go hunt down Sakuya, then…"
With that, she was gone.
…
…
…
"I know how determined a human can be. That's not a quality exclusive to fools, you know." Patchouli idly comments towards me from her desk.
As she's doing this, I begin reaching for the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber…
"Trust me. You may think yourself capable… but I've waited far longer than you have." Patchouli smirks into her book. "You must think yourself intelligent. It irks me."
Didn't we have some sort of talk a millennium ago about human vs. youkai qualities? From what I know, magi aren't all that different from humans… just a lot freakin' smarter and get to shoot fire and shit, basically.
Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber in one hand and Market Gardener in the other, I was about to show Patchy how situational and impractical this loadout really was.
"I don't think you're smart. By human standards, you're probably alright. You shouldn't judge youkai by human standards, you see. It simply does not make sense." Patchouli flipped a page.
"To think yourself as highly as you do… do you not know who it is you talk to?" Patchouli grimaces into her book. "Or do you simply devalue others when you compare them to yourself?"
I understand the people I talk to are not always human…
...but they, too, must understand that I'm not a youkai!
...Besides, Patchouli was makin' it sound like I was some sorta megalomaniac… and I might be a little, but c'mon, I'm not a bad dude!
"Still, even with what I've said…" She looks over at me. "It's not unlike that… you…"
...Shit's 'bout to hit the fan!
I duck, possible because only my ankles and lower things are really frozen. What I'm tryin'a say is my knees can bend!
I strike the ground under my legs-
Boom!
-and blast myself into the air!
"M-mukyuu~!" Patchouli shot from her desk and into the air with me, charging magic in her hands.
In her confusion, she only flew straight up, while I flew slowly closer to her.
It was in this brief moment that I knew how to land my Market Garden on her.
"W-what…"
Nearing her before she gathered her wits, I slammed her in the side of the torso with my Market Gardener.
Smaaaa~sh! One hundred ninety five dama~ge!
"Uuhuh!" Patchouli wheezed violently, now slowly descending towards the top of one of the bookshelves.
...And I was falling! Oh, shi~-
Thud! I landed on my side.
…
Ouuuch! Fuck, dude…
Patchouli successfully landed on the top of a bookshelf… and fell.
"A-a...ah…" she breathed, descending.
Oof!
She landed on me… which sucked, because I was still lying on my side! Aarrgh!
…
I felt her breathing, so that was good, I guess.
…
Koakuma's back! Yaa~y…?
"Mistress, I've-... of course she isn't here…" Koakuma mutters, stomping up to the desk. "Don't come crying to me when it gets cold."
She didn't see us because we were too far behind desks and tables and shit. Help, no.
Patchouli opens her mouth, but no words come out.
"...I guess I'll go look for her then…" Koakuma sighs, wandering off. "Mistress~! Mi~stress!"
…
Yeah, I think now's a good time to end the chapter as any. We're both lying on the floor in pain, and while I could get up, I think I'd like to take a moment to catch my breath…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 23
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. After an enchanted sunflower was tacked on, it gained the ability to allow casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
hello, magical friends. . w .
i've been slower than usual, but i'm still MAKIN' BACON, as it were.
market gardener is something i've wanted to add since like, chapter five. IT TOOK AWHILE, DIDN'IT?
in any case, fun times
made some fun things occur!
…
yeah i always draw a blank when talking to you guys… i need to take notes or something . w '
as always, see you all next time!
