(in which we call a judge a noob)

We arrive at Marisa's house! She welcomes us with open arms and we have a passionate make-out session.

...I wish.

Nope, instead we have a freakin' tactical meeting. I mean, yo. There's tacticool… and then there's just tactical.

This was just tactical.

"So~... should I shoot my laser here-" Marisa pointed to the sketch of the fluffle robot. More specifically, at the crotch. "Or here?" She aims at the shins.

Alice shakes her head. "You insufferable- it's a fluffle, it doesn't have those parts…"

"Knees?" Marisa looks at her own kneecaps. "...You're right, they don't have kneecaps!"

Well, she wasn't wrong. Fluffles just had little leg things. Cuddly.

"...Right." Alice composes herself. "Just shoot it, okay?"

Marisa giggles and gives a thumbs up. "No~ problem, ze!"

Alice points at me. "You."

Hello.

"...Don't die, I guess. You should probably stay here, all things considered."

I mean I could, but now that I know Marisa's gonna be fucking it up with giant ass lasers, I'm more in the mood to watch.

...So why not get a front row seat?

"Nah, I'm riding with Marisa."

Marisa shook her head. "No, you're not."

Woah no. "Why, magical friend?"

Marisa looks away for a moment. "I just don't want you to."

Oh, fuck me, she's like me and one of my other demented friends. Now there's no changing her mind!

I sigh. "...Okay, yo. I'm not changing your mind, I know that."

...That sentence ended abruptly. Mister Brad is very good language man.

Marisa looks surprised for a moment. "...Okay, cool."

...She continues to stare at me for a moment.

...Why's that? I got somethin' on my face? Is-is it the hair? It's the hair isn't it, it always gets all frizzy and-

"I know I didn't say this before, but uh… what's uh…" Marisa looks down at my hillbilly outfit.

Oh, it's just that. "...Hergin' dingin' derger!"

"Okay." Marisa nods, satisfied with that answer.

Life as a hick, yo.

Alice looks curious. "...Is there anything weird about his outfit?"

Marisa nods. "Yes."

"...Explain." Alice demands. When Marisa gives her a weird look, she elaborates. "I-I'm curious, is all…"

"You see those overalls?" Marisa points out. "He looks like more of a cartoon character than he did before!"

Hyonk!

Alice's brow twitched. "Really?"

Marisa nods. "Mmm… He's also still got those weird shoes on." Marisa points to my sneakers.

"I'll think it over, then…" Alice sighs, and begins heading for the door. "We should get going."

Suddenly, a fluffle stuck its head out of a nearby pile of books.

"It looks soft." I observed. I turn to Marisa. "What did you do to it, friend?"

"I-I didn't do anything, ze! It was like that when I found it!"

The fluffle started gnawing on a book.

Alice shook her head. "...Marisa, did you know that thing was there?"

"...No." Marisa shook her head.

Alice stared at her.

"...I mean yes?" She grinned sheepishly.

"Honestly… I won't even ask why you have one, just come." Alice floated off.

Marisa hopped on her broom. "See ya! Don't touch my stuff while I'm gone!"

With that, Marisa took off.

Guess I'm not gonna watch them fight the freakin' fluffle megazord…

I still need those shoes, though!

With no other choice, I begin my walk back to Alice's house to plunder myself some shoes!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...The sounds of violence get louder as I near Alice's house again.

Vrrrr!

Vrrrr!

"Kyaaa~h!"

Pi~chun!

BlaBoom!

...I tear a large leaf from a bush and shield myself from it as I run up to Alice's house.

"Human_Extermination_Protocol_613:_Nine_Kilobyte_Driver." The mech announced to the world.

I look up from the side of Alice's house, and see the towering mech lumbering around as it was slammed by, like, all the types of damage under the sun.

I'm tellin' ya, yo. We got the swords, the lances, the bows, the magical projectiles of at least five elements, the death lasers… we've got it all here, folks!

The ground shakes as the mech slams its foot into the ground.

"...I think it's time to go inside…" I tell myself.

...I courteously close the door behind me. Wouldn't do if a fly got into Alice's abode, after all.

With haste, I charge into the guest room of experimentation-

"hi friend."

-and up to the closet.

I tear off my worn ass sneakers and stow them away, then start trying on shoes one by one.

Alright, let's see…

Beige dress shoes!

They, uh, don't fit. Freakin' midget-sized.

Aight, let's try the black dress shoes…

Alice, who the fuck are these ones made for!? I can fit like, two feet in one!

...What're these, moccasins?

They fit. They're more discreet than my freakin' plastic ones. They may aswell have been moccasins themselves.

I slip the other one on and walk around a little. They're… comfy-ish. They're not amazing, but they'll do. About the same as my depleted and destroyed grey sneakers.

...I can just use Kaguya's wig, too. I don't feel like shopping around in here for a wig, since that's not really a hot commodity most of the time-

Bam! Something blew up outside…

-and most of what I'd find would be doll-sized anyway.

Time to-

Kaboom!

The ear-splicing screech of the metal colossus falling was audible quite well from inside.

I run to the door…

The metal form of its started folding inward, a tower of flames rocketing into the air from its body.

BlaaaAAA-

I cover my ears.

...Oo~h, the ringing! The sweet ringing that fucking curses my ears! Make it stop!

I, uh… I think I'll just sit it out for a little while…

Sitting down on Alice's couch, I notice the flames get a little too close for comfort.

I take out my trusty Deep Blue. "Nope."

I turn the valve, and water gushes out like a waterfall, making me tense up because it's freakin' intense.

...Awkwardly propelled by the hanger, I moonwalk around the perimeter of Alice's house, fighting the fire as I went.

"Waahuuehuuehuuee~!"

That sounds exactly the same as you'd pronounce it, by the way. Not that anyone would hear due to the violent sounds.

...Oh, by the way, my ears are finally ceasing the ringing…

Now I can hear the terrifying cackles of flames in surround sound stereo!

"Ey! Alice, your house!" I hear Marisa shout from somewhere in the sky.

I continued my occupation as a hydrating agent for a few moments more until the water fairies start to clean up the flames themselves, a storm of bubbles and geysers washing over the lawn.

"Woaah!" I'm launched by a geyser!

Splat. I land in a mud puddle. Well, now my moccasins are nice and worn… and so are these pants!

There's enough water around now that Alice's house is probably gonna be totally safe. The flames are getting freakin' molested.

I walk back around to her front door and trudge inside, tracking mud off my moccasins the whole way. Once inside nice and proper, I sit down on a chair.

Alice enters! "...Thanks for all the mud, by the way."

"Boot biscuits." I add.

"Right…" Alice sighs. "I suppose I should thank you for whatever it was you were doing to protect the house."

"Flailing wildly with a fire hose." I name my activity with authority. "You're welcome, by the way."

...She looks down at my mud-spattered legs. "...I just gave you those."

"And I just broke them in, yo." I grin.

"...I still expect everything on that list."

Hyonk.

Marisa floats in gingerly through the front door. "Yo~!"

I turn to her. "My name's Billy Bob Joe."

She stifles a chuckle as Alice turns to her, dissatisfied.

Leaving her house, I let the door click behind me. It is time to get the quest started!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I arrive at the Human Village gates. I've got that Kaguya wig on, so now I look like a really ugly shemale.

...Actually, shouldn't this be more suspicious? An ugly-faced but fair-haired, muddy woman trying to infiltrate the village?

I approach the gate.

The guard looks up at me. "Oh, hey- uh…" He double takes at me. "...The hell happened to you?"

Hmm… "D-did you hear that explosion…?" My girl impression is probably worse than just going with my normal voice, and neither would work in the slightest!

The guard pauses, no doubt admiring my angelic voice. "...Yeah. What's that got to do with anything?"

"W-well, it fucked my shit up." I was once a pretty girl! Now I am a male!

"...So were you a girl or a dude before?" The guard grinned.

I jump back. "I beg your pardon? I sexually identify as an attack helicopter, thank you very much."

...He shakes his head, grinning. "Whatever, get in here. The youkai'd probably eat you on sight. Yeesh."

He reels the gate open, and I step inside. Infiltration successful!

I walk through the village street, getting some funny glances but rousing no real suspicion. I'm getting less glances than before, at least!

...I should take a moment to actually look at the list instead of just gloss over it…

Alice wants:

Bag of pancake mix,

Red, blue, pink, cyan, and some other shades and tints of those listed.

A small tin, preferably for holding knitting and sewing supplies,

Ann~d…

The list reads that "these fluffles keep asking for fluff nuggets. See what you can do."

Well, that last one's easy.

My attention is drawn to a nearby structure as a cheer comes from it.

"Hooaah!"

… Sounds like fun!

I turn to the sign. Gensokyian Gins!

...It'sa pub.

I look ugly enough to fit in, anyway. I enter the pub.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Banzai!"

A row of men started drinking in unison.

This place was lively this evening!

The dimly lit pub was alive with the sound of socialization and such. It smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, which made me freakin' scrunch my nose. Potent…

"Hehehee~y!"

An orange-haired shikigami stood, waving a large mug around. "Heresh to a good time!"

"Yeah!" "She said it!" "You heard the girl, lad!"

An orange-haired oni stood on her seat. "Yeeaa~h!"

She leaped back onto the stool, breaking it, eliciting laughter from the other bar goers.

I casually strut up to the counter. I wonder if I can get someone to buy me an orange juice… and the rest of this crap on this list.

The man next to me leans closer. "Hey there baby…"

Ah, right. Drunk enough to ignore the face. Shieut.

"How's it goin', Paul?" I speak as gruff as possible.

"I see you know my name, heheh! What else you hear 'bout me…?"

God damn it, yo. Don't make me use my super tango foxtrot martial arts!... which are probably better known as 'kicking people in the nuts'.

I'm usually against that, but y'know… this is a pub. What happens in the pub, stays in the pub, or so I'd like to believe.

"That you suck." How will he respond to insults?

He smiles, leaning closer. "What else…?"

Alcohol breath! Help, no!

Suddenly, my arm on the opposite side is grabbed. I turn and see it's Komachi.

"Heey…" Komachi stares into my eyes. "...Ahh… A- I haven't sheen yoo… here before…"

The man tugs on my arm. "I found her first, dick!"

Komachi tugs back. "Hesh mi~ne!"

This is why I don't like bars! Aside from the fact it smells like shit!

Suika comes up from behind. "Brea~k it uhp, yho two!"

She lifts me up entirely, thus removing me from the equation.

"Here!"

Bo~ng!

Komachi reels a large bottle around, and whacks the guy with it. Stumbling back, he turns to her.

"Feck off!"

He charges her, and they go for eachother's neck.

Suika drops me behind-

"Oof!"

-her, and goes to disengage them.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

She gets between them. They continue thrashing, and Suika just tanks it all like a boss.

Bo~ng!

How strong is that bottle!?

Suika doesn't even register the fact it hit her in the back of the head.

"Dish time is for mehrryment 'n… enjohyment!"

Komachi slowly simmers down. "...Y-yer... yer right…"

"Faachk!" The guy continues flailing.

Suika sighs. "I sahd shaddap!"

She slams him into the counter.

Bam!

...The counter breaks. He rebounds off it, stepping back dizzily, before falling over, his head bleeding.

"...Oopsh." Suika shrugged.

All the other guys started whispering, but no one did anything. One guy got up and started to drag the dude out.

I'll take it that that's a common occurrence…

Suika walks up to me. "Sorry, bahby. The lot's alwaysh like dat…"

"I'm Brad." I tell her.

Suika pauses, doing a double-take. "...Now I know I'm hammered!"

Freakin'...

Komachi struts up to me. "S-sorry, hun…"

Well, if they're this hammered…

"I require a superfluously extreme ordinance of aid from you two." Testing vocab skills…!

I get blank stares. I was silently hoping they'd recognize the fact I used ordinance wrongish.

Alright…

"I need help!"

They perk up. "Whadda ya need?" Suika grins.

I show her a list.

"Shorry, can't read. Need yooh to hold my hand." Komachi grins.

Suika rolls her eyes at her exaggeratedly.

I hear the bar's door things flap open.

"Komachi?"

Oh…

Ooo~h…

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

...I shove the list into Komachi's bust. "Run, son! The popo be fast, on yo ass!"

Komachi flails her arms and runs for the back door of the bar.

"Komachi!"

Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the judge of something or another. She's the fuckin' cops, basically!

She moves to catch up to her, but Suika gets in her way.

"I shah… Sacrifice self! You go!" Suika points to me. "Get your list! Komachi'll help! I'll-"

Shikieiki lightly bops her with that stick thing.

...Suika doesn't budge.

"Hmph…" Shikieiki steps back. "Sin of defying a yama. One thousand strikes, one hundred pounds."

The ground under her flashes with a faint blue light, and she prepares herself again.

She brings the stick down on Suika.

Bam!

...Suika budged a little, then promptly wobbled around. She was probably in more danger of knocking herself over from her loss of motor skills…

Bam!

...Suika barely registered that one as she wobbled.

Bam!

Shikieiki is a horribly slow murderer with an extremely inefficient weapon.

Bam!

You know, one of those hits would probably gib me. One.

Bam!

Sweet Jesus, fuck.

Bam!

Suika yawns.

"...I see this is not working. Sin of Alcoholism, three hundred strikes, three hundred pounds."

The stick glows, and the ground under her lights up again, a circle of blue light highlighting the power buff she got.

She brings it down on Suika again.

Boom!

Suika staggers back. "...Hah! 'Bout time you stopped playin' 'round!"

Shikieiki leaps into the air, and brings her rod down on Suika.

Boom!

"Come on! Hit me!" Suika demands of her.

She cooperates.

Boom!

Oh, man. This place is gonna be fucked up when they're done with it. I can already see most of the men have quietly relocated themselves.

Boom!

"...You are a strong girl." Shikieiki observes. "...Suika, the Oni?"

Suika nods enthusiastically. "Don't you forget it!"

Shikieiki nods back slowly… "...Sin of Alcoholism, one ton, twenty strikes…"

Fwoo~m!

Shikieiki's costume frills start flowing in the air, the power from her buff apparently ravaging the wind. The blue circle glowed brightly, now.

"Face judgement!"

Shikieiki brought her rod forward.

Suika swung her fist at it.

They met.

I slowly walk behind the counter and hide before the hitlag ends.

Kaboo~m!

I feel the counter slam against me. Holy shit.

I stand up, and see that part of the entrance is gone.

"Holy shit."

Suika and Shikieiki stood at the epicenter of the destruction.

"...Yer not half bad!" Suika grins, and extends her gourd. "Wanna drink?"

Shikieiki sighs. "That no good drunk…"

...She locks her gaze on me.

Woah, no.

She starts stepping towards me. Suika blinks. "...Ru~de."

"...Did I hear a curse?" The judge stands before the broken heap of the counter. She stops to get a good look at me, but doesn't say anything.

"Yes." I admit.

"Hmph. Such a disrespect for language is shameful. Humans, with all their curiosity, should be more into artful and creative endeavors, not conformist practices. I'd say that relates to swearing, because those whom commonly curse are, infact, commonly guilty of conforming to group norms themselves… even if they'd like to attest otherwise."

Welcome to the lecture hall, friends. Here, we shall debate the things!

Speaking of debating… "Swearing? Indicative of conformist behavior? That's kinda too little of something to bother, honestly. Humans like me are hardwired to be a little conformist. Social beings and all that."

Shikieiki pauses. "Oh? Do give examples, then. As far as I am aware, the lot of you love to sin for the sake of sinning."

There's a couple things wrong with that statement.

Suika slowly walks up to us. "...What ya guys-"

"Silence." Shikieiki points her rod at Suika, who is, as expected, unaffected by the threat.

"Alright, alright, if it's dat private…" Suika chugs from her gourd.

"I'd say… if you wanna talk, hmm…" Thinking is hard, friends! "There are a variety of reasons we conform, both subconsciously and consciously. Conscious conformance is probably the type I like the least, although I'm kinda thinking mostly of stuff like 'oh I drink beer 'cause my friends', and the likes."

Shikieiki grins. "Are you calling yourself nonconformist?"

I take off my wig.

"...Hmm." She blinks.

"Is this the hair of a conformist?" I grin.

"Or maybe the conscious resistance is conformism in and of itself?" Shikieiki grins back.

I shrug. "If it is, I don't really care. If I don't care, is it conscious conformism, or am I just an asshole?"

"Sin of swearing, ten pounds, one strike."

Wait, wha-

Whack!

"Y-yeaaouch!" I clutch my jaw…

"...In any case, I doubt that you really do not care. I have no doubt you've got numerous friends in this village, and you're likely making some childish statement with that wig of yours. If I am wrong, I'd like you to correct me." Shikieiki folds her arms. "Now… you wouldn't happen to know where my subordinate ran off to, do you?"

Freakin'... "If you knew anything about me, Shiki…" I reach into my sack, reaching for Swift Brand. I plan to blow air at her to knock off her frilly hat!

Her eyebrow raises. "Have the villagers finally discovered my name?"

I brandish Swift Brand! "You'd know I was really somethin' else!"

Woosh!

Shikieiki grabs her hat before it blows away. Shieut.

"...Wind. An enchanted… plant hanger." She observes my weapon of choice. "You simply try too hard, don't you?"

Yo. If there's one thing that pisses me off… it's smartasses. This judge is a freakin' smartass!

...Maybe that's what she wants, to piss me off. I'll just play it on the down low, then…

I shrug. "Yeah. Me and my buddies Paul and Ron go out on the weekends and do this all the time, you know. Pissing off otherworldly judges."

She down low's me right back. "Mhm. So, about that subordinate…"

Meh. "I shoved a list between her tits when she ran off. She's probably following that list."

"I see. Tell me some things that were on that list." Shikieiki demands.

...Does she trust me? Does she seriously-

"If we do not find her by the end of today, you will be punished." Shikieiki tells me. "Make your time and choices wisely."

...I turn to Suika. She's lying on the floor, her gourd next to her.

"Ahah…"

She's freakin' hammered, yo.

In this case, I will just have to ensure Shikieiki is destroyed by the friendly locals by the end of today. If she is, she will not be able to whack the shit out of me with a blunt thingamabob!

Mark my words. By the end of today, Shikieiki's gonna be freakin' annihilated, yo. Gonna drop a building on her!

I nod. "So, the first thing on the list was…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're instantly teleported to the manor gates.

"Devil's tea table, was it?" Shikieiki turns to me.

I nod. "Yeah. She has to find the Devil's tea table."

Specifically, the Scarlet Devil's tea table. Remilia's personal tea table.

There will be blood and thunder.

"Let us locate it, then." Shikieiki marches to the front gate. Meiling's there again.

"Oh, hey, uh…" Meiling looks over her. She then notices me. "Oh, there you are. Hana just set out a few moments ago looking for you, by the way."

Fluffy. "That's cool."

...Meiling looks over to my friend, here. "...Is this a friend of yours, o~r…"

Uh… "...Kinda. Politics, yo."

Shikieiki scowls at me, and I grin.

I walk up to Meiling and whisper in her ear. "Whisper, whisper, whisper…"

"I heard that." Shikieiki glared.

I turned to her. "What'd I say?"

Shikieiki shook her head. "You told her something bad, did you not?"

"Ask her yourself, then." I fold my arms. "I will argue that I did nothing wrong!"

Shikieiki turns to Meiling expectantly.

"U-uh…" Meiling was put on the spot. "All he did was say 'whisper whisper whisper'."

Shikieiki's eyes lowered. "Sin of lying, ten pounds, one strike."

The magic circle lightly glows.

"Huh?"

Whack!

...Meiling didn't really feel it, it seems.

"...Hmph." The Yamaxanadu is unsatisfied.

"hi friends"

Shiki, baby, kill it. Judge it. It needs death. Now. Give it to it…!

Shikieiki blinks at it. "...How cute."

Shiki, baby, no! Fire, we need the fire! Ten million zillion pounds, right now!

The fluffle raises its fins. "would you like to see my wares"

She blinks tentatively. "...Sure. I don't see why not."

The fluffle spreads a variety of differently colored Rods of Remorse down on the counter.

Shikieiki's jaw drops. "W-what… Where did you-... what are these?"

"rods of remorse" It smiles. "i made them."

She shakes her head. "No… no you didn't. You couldn't have."

"i did" The fluffle lowers its head, its smile obscured. "i did friend"

"...How?" Shikieiki posed the fun question.

The fluffle smiled again. "very carefully"

...She pointed to a gold colored rod. "How much for this, then?"

"sixty five million yen, friend"

"Do I look like a mint?" Shikieiki deadpanned. "Genuinely, even the ministry's not that absurd. I only paid a hundred thousand for this renewable one." She waved around her stock Rod of Remorse. "It was a good investment… regardless, I see not how some backwater manufacturer of artifacts such as yourself could afford to charge such obscene prices."

The fluffle tilted its head. "is that a no, friend?"

"I will have to decline." Shikieiki shook her head.

The fluffle wiped the rods off the counter, and they vanished from existence.

...Shikieiki leaned over the side of the counter where they vanished, perplexed.

"come back soon" It said. "im dusty."

Help, no.

She turned back to me. "...You look troubled."

"I am troubled." I nodded. "Dusty menaces."

Shikieiki snorts. "I see. Spiteful of things different from you?"

Wha- how. I double-take. "How. Why? Where is this logic coming from!?"

She jerks her head back. "There's no need to get all offended, now…"

"Yes, yes there is. Shikieiki, you're a narcissist." Get owned, yo.

Her jaw drops. "Narcissist?... Please. I may be arrogant and stubborn, yes, but I am not a narcissist."

I shrug. "Fair enough." I was half-joking with that statement.

"...Right." She wasn't expecting agreeance! "Let us resume the task at hand. Also, are you using the romanized version of my name?"

Uh?...

She sees my confusion. "I mean, you're speaking English right now, not Japanese, correct?"

...Rii~ght?

"...My name with western conventions would be Eiki Shiki, the Yamaxanadu."

Huh. Well, color me shitstain brown, then.

"...I see."

We move in through the open gate.

"Just so you know, the mistress is asleep." Meiling calls to us. "If you wake her up... just let it happen."

Eiki pauses. "...Let what happen?"

"Just let it happen." Meiling waves at us. "Trust me. It won't be my fault, either. Since you're with Brad, I can just say it was his fault."

Hyonk. "I accept full responsibility!"

"Good, good…" Meiling repositions herself against the wall.

"...What was that about?" Eiki questions.

I shrug. "Beats me!" I know exactly what that was about. She wouldn't like it, though!

We proceed into the manor…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The door creaks shut…

"...I think I recall this place. I attended a party or two here." Eiki comments.

I see Yellow-chan.

Yellow-chan sees me.

"You…" Yellow-chan raises the broom she had on her for sweeping.

"You fairy fucker." I raise Swift Brand, pointing it at her.

Eiki looks troubled by our exchange. "What?"

Yellow-chan charges me. "Hyaa~h!"

Fwoosh! I blow wind at her with Swift Brand, throwing her off her feet. I run at her, but she rolls back and blocks my downward strike.

Thunk!

"Think fast, dumbass!" I double jump and flee the zone! I land on the foyer stairs, then jump off them. I perform my second jump in the air while she was going around to the front of the stairs, and strike her in the back of the head.

Bam!

She drops to the floor. "Eaaagh!"

...I kick some dust at the back of her head. "Suck it, Yellow-chan!"

...Eiki frowns at me.

Eheh… "...I can explain?" I grin sheepishly.

"Two counts of swearing, and assault of an innocent. One hundred twenty pounds, thirty-two strikes."

Oh, fuck off.

I pocket Swift Brand and take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Look, can I just put them on my tab, or somethin'? I promise to be good!"

She swings and misses, striking the base of the stairs.

Bam! Left a dent, that did!

"Look, look, seriously, if you keep-"

I double jump to avoid another slice of her Rod of Remorse.

"-doing that, we're going to get some-"

Swish!

Jesus!

"-unwanted attention!"

I opt to just flee up and down the stairs over and over to tire her out, but uh…

Eiki starts floating.

Goddamn magical girls and their floaty freakin'...!

Swish!

"Get outta here!" I yell.

"Every time I miss does not count towards your punishment!" Eiki exclaims, floating after me.

Sakuya appears! My savior!

"What seems to be the disturbance?" She has her knives at the ready.

"I am being assaulted by Judge Dredd!" I inform Sakuya! "She is the law! Help!"

Swish!

"Haahahaae~lp!"

...Sakuya sighs. "Leave it to you to somehow piss off the Yama enough to have her chase you all the way here, just to beat you with her stick of judgement."

Eiki stops assaulting me for a moment. "It's not a stick of judgement, it's the Rod of Remorse."

"It's called stop making a racket, the mistress is trying to sleep." Sakuya sassed her. "I don't care what he did, it can wait until you're outside the mansion."

"Unacceptable." Eiki huffs. "As the Yamaxanadu of Gensokyo, I have the right to-"

Sakuya brandishes her knives as she speaks.

"- judge sinful individuals wherever, whenever, at any given point in time."

"That's nice." Sakuya glares at her. "I suppose it was too wishful to believe in doing things the easy way."

...Eiki shook her head. "Obstructing justice, fifty pounds, twenty-five strikes."

The circle glows as she changes the sin amount on the Rod of Remorse.

Tension rising!

Eiki steps towards Sakuya. "We can do this the easy way, if you prefer." She pats her rod with her hand.

Sakuya stands still, waiting for the Yama to approach her. "Very well." She folds her arms.

...Eiki raises a brow. "...Your cooperation is unexpected but welcome."

She steps towards Sakuya, and readies to strike…

Sakuya appears next to me, and a row of knives are setup around the Yama.

"Easy."

They close in on the Yama… except…

"Judgement. Cleansed Crystal Judgement: Sakuya Izayoi!"

Eiki points her rather tiny mirror at Sakuya. It shimmers briefly as Sakuya stares at it. All the knives that were closing in on Eiki bounced off an invisible force. I assume Eiki had death bombed, or something similar.

How tough is she, really? Like, HP-wise? I'm freakin' clueless!

A thin veil of light shot from the mirror. It rose from the floor, generating a figure. This figure looked like an exact replica of Sakuya.

"What…?" Sakuya readied her knives.

"..." The other Sakuya readied her knives as well, copying the exact movements the original one made.

Eiki smirked. "Here, you will face your innermost demons. Infact, why don't you both reconsider your actions? Judgement, Cleansed Crystal Judgement: Brad-...!" She was looking for a last name, but didn't find it! Suck it!

The veil of light beams out again, and a figure of myself is constructed.

It's another one of those fights. If this one's a fair clone of me, then this should be a piece of cake.

The front door swings open. "Brad-ku~n!"

It's Ha-chan!

She floats in, holding a strange mirror. "Look what I found in the dirt near the lake!"

A fancy mir- wait.

I look into the mirror, and it starts shaking.

It's that fuckin' shadow clone mirror!

"Something's happening!" Ha-chan smiles like a dope.

"Ha-chan, I want you to think really hard for a moment." I begin. "Think back to that time we had to beat the shit out of shadow versions of ourselves."

I hear violence in the background, Sakuya and her clone already going at it in the air over us, exchanging strategically and carefully planned knives as opposed to the typical insano danmaku storms.

...My clone casually walked up to Ha-chan and I.

"..." It couldn't talk. Sucks to suck, son!

Eiki blinked. "...I should have expected something like this."

The mirror shook, and out from it crawled that one bastard again.

I stuck my middle finger at it. My shadow clone shambled from the mirror, his mouth meshed together like some eldritchian wannabe, and his eyes dull as usual.

"Hhhhh…" it hissed.

"Hey there, Mumbles." I'm naming him Mumbles, 'cause he can't talk. "You back for a rematch?"

It reached into its sack. It brandished a blue technical-looking hanger with various glowing orbs at each end of it. New tricks!

"I'll take that as a yes." I ready myself.

My other clone meets the midway between me and Mumbles, and holds three fingers up.

"...Three player duel, yo!" I step back from the two. "You guys suck!"

...Eiki didn't know what to say. "...This is the first time this card yielded such interesting results."

Ha-chan tilted her head, hovering up to Eiki. "You can say that again!"

Eiki didn't know if this fairy even knew what she was talking about, but she didn't really care regardless, apparently.

With the sounds of violence over the three of us, our Bradmatch begins!

I pull out my trusty Swift Brand. "Alright, let's do this!"

My normal clone considers it himself, but he eyes the shadow clone. I'll bet he's considering whether or not to try and mirror me to the T because of the shadow clone's presence.

My clone takes out Flame Salvo instead.

I carefully shift about as the shadow clone stumbles forward. Mumbles is probably the one we should focus on first, if his asshole levels of health, mana, and haxy NPC abilities mean anything.

"Ghk...hhhh…" Mumbles chokes and hisses. Suddenly, it spins around in place.

Krrii~ng!

A large ice spike erupts from the floor near my other clone, sending him sprawling.

I run-

Krrii~ng!

-and trip from the ice spike erupting from the floor. At least it didn't flip me over like it did the other dude, or worse, disembowel me like it was probably intended to do.

"Hhhgh!" Mumbles slams the floor with his hanger.

Fwuuush!

A geyser erupts under both me and the clones, sending us airborne.

"Sweet Jesus, fuck!" I shout, flailing my arms. "Stunlock city! Motherfucker's cheating!"

Oof!

...I sit up to see Mumbles pocket his ice-water hanger. He takes out Super Snipe, the hanger which can shoot instant death-inducing danmaku sniper rounds.

For some reason, I feel like this isn't very fair!

...He takes aim for Eiki instead of any of us.

BLAM

...The bullet collides with Eiki, who steps back a bit, and glares. She then summons a reflective magical barrier. "This is between you three. I'm just going to watch."

"Ggghhh…" Mumbles seems dissatisfied. Eiki is apparently instant death resistant, and fairly knockback resistant.

It turns back to us.

Fwooom!

My clone sends a jet of flames from his Flame Salvo at Mumbles.

"Ghhaahck!" Mumbles wails, and he slams Super Snipe against the floor.

From thin air, a cloak seemingly wielding a scythe appears, approaching my clone.

Swish!

It swings at my clone, who barely falls out of the way of the attack and onto his ass. Fortunately, the grim reaper look-alike vanished after that single attack. Mumbles rose from the floor, and aimed Super Snipe at the clone, all while still burning.

Fwoosh!

I try using a gust of wind from Swift Brand to knock him over, but it seemingly doesn't do anything.

BLAM

...The bullet missed the clone by a hair, at least!

"...!" My clone looks like he's about to shit himself. I don't blame him!

Eiki's face hardens as she watches the conflict. "...I sense greater sin in the dark one."

No shit, huh? How long'd it take you to reach that conclusion? Didja need a few scholarly articles to help you out with that one?

I mean, the fact it's very clearly some eldritchian twat… Does that like, not raise any immediate alarm bells?

Mumbles turns to me.

I pocket Swift Brand, because wind's not gonna be very good against this dude. I take out the holy hanger!

"It's holy." I helpfully provide.

Mumbles aims at me.

I focus mana into the holy hanger.

Flash!

I'm blinded by the resulting flash.

"H-hwaah!" I hear Ha-chan flail wildly.

Pi~ng!

Ha-chan accidently whacked the mirror barrier.

I hear knives clatter against objects that aren't knives. I mighta accidently blinded the Sakuyas, too.

My vision comes to, and I see my clone rubbing his eyes.

Mumbles, however, is having a temper tantrum.

"Hroooaaagh!" He's flailing his arms around like wet noodles, stretching his mouth in ways flesh should not stretch. I don't think he likes light!

I hold up the light hanger again, ready to charge it with more mana-

Clang!

Knives knock it from my hand.

"Not again." Sakuya tells me, hopping away just as fast as she appeared.

Well, shit.

Mumbles finally regains focus, and pockets Super Snipe. He instead pulls out some crimson and black hanger. It has strange, crimson particles flecking off of it, too.

He starts spinning around-

Bam! Boom! Kablam!

The crimson parts turn bright red as the hanger makes multiple close impact explosions as he spins towards my clone. With each explosion, a splotch of black blood is rendered airborne, where it turns into black, softly glowing bullets.

Dayum, son, where'd you find that!? Better question: isn't it counter-productive to hurt your- ooh.

That's probably his Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber counterpart. It's marginally more self-destructive, but also marginally more threatening!

I duck from a splat of blood that soars overhead and strikes the mirror barrier.

"Eeew…" Ha-chan covers her mouth. Eiki winces at the splotch.

Dodges like that always freak me out.

My clone exchanges his Flame Salvo for an Escape Plan. He's only slightly faster from being generally worn instead of legitimately hurt, but y'know. S'all good in the proverbial hood.

...Mumbles stops to pull out a black potion. I hardly use that shit anymore, especially after it made me vomit freakin' jello a few days later. Why's he still got it!?

It pours it into its mesh-like mouth, some of the black potion spilling because it was made for a human mouth, not its freakin' weird mesh mouth.

My clone takes the moment to run towards me like a freakin' stupid person.

I scramble to pull out the first hanger I could, and I pulled out Sharper Than Darkness.

Cla~ng!

Our hangers collide!

After a brief exchange between us, Mumbles throws up.

"Ghooaohk!"

Splat.

"No. No, Mumbles, you do that out in the yard!" I point Sharper Than Darkness at it, and then I realize I'm pointing a dark weapon at a dark frik like a freakin' moron.

My clone pauses, assessing Mumbles as the greater threat again, and strafes away from me.

I pocket Sharper Than Darkness, and take out Quake Bloomer.

Mumbles finishes his hairball and looks up at me, and eyes my weapon.

"Hhhh… Huhnhn!"

It pulls out a mechanical cross.

From nowhere, a dark doll hovers onto the scene, odd metallic prongs projecting from its back. Instead of holding a lance, it's arm is a lance, crackling with electricity.

Oh, shit! I totally forgot I had London!

I pull out my operating cross.

London floats onto the scene, in her armored glory. She wields a burly lance, and stares down the dark London… which doesn't actually look like London at all.

My clone pulls out his operating cross.

...Another London floats onto the scene, identical to mine. Shieut.

"Talk about a civil war…" I chuckle.

"Hhhgh!" Mumbles exclaims intelligently.

...I quickly look down to see the end-chapter summary that no one reads just so I could remind myself what London could do.

Oh, shit! Why the hell didn't I summon her before!? I mean, aside from the immense mana that I lose, but still!

"Alright, London, cover me." I point the cross at myself and push the diamond on it.

London orbits around me slowly.

My clone mimics my movements, his London orbiting around him.

Mumbles' doll thing floats toward us instead. It aims its spear arm into the air, and it whirls around, shooting electricity into the air and onto the ceiling. Sparks begin shooting off the chandelier, which is getting fried slowly.

...Both Sakuyas pause.

The dark doll whirls to the side as a flurry of knives aim for it.

"Hhhh…"

Bam!

Mumbles hanger hops into the air with the blast from his Crimson Rocket Hanger, intending to defend the dark doll from the oncoming knife swarm. He twirls through the air, making the hanger explode by will instead of on contact because apparently the cosmos despises me.

Blam! Boom! Kaboom!

His hopping mania is quickly stopped by an unlucky barrage of knives, forcing him to fall to the ground.

Thud.

"Hooogh!"

...I notice my clone casually strutting towards me. I was just about to do that to him, too!

I buff myself with Quake Bloomer, readying myself for my clone's assault.

He points at me, and his London slams its spear into the floor.

Krii~ng!

I dodge another freakin' ice spike. Damn it, London!

"Fuck it up!" I point my operating cross at the other London. Alice'd have a field day if she got to see London-on-London action.

London starts floating to engage. Quickly, they're shooting barrages of yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku at one another, gravitating around one another in an inhuman dance that disobeyed gravity and momentum. Occasionally their spears clashed.

Cla~ng!

It was disrupted in a few moments.

Thwaa~sh!

A thunderbolt strikes near them, and they're aggro'd on the dark doll, which seemed to have given up engaging the Sakuyas, now settling for fighting the Londons.

Boom! Blam! Kaboom!

Mumbles is flailing around wildly in the air, its blood splattering around everywhere, making black danmaku particles.

"I don't know what the hell's going on!"

Alright, Mumbles needs to die, he has too much power for his own good. As cheap as it sounds, I should probably team up with that mute me.

I turn to him, and he's slowly and silently trying to approach me with Sharper Than Darkness. He swears, noticing that I noticed him… or at least, tries to swear. Freakin' mute friend.

"Hi, son." I strut towards him. "Let's get fluffy."

He brings out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, grinning at me.

I slam Quake Bloomer into the ground. "Guess what, yo!"

The green magical circle materializes around my clone.

Fwooo…

He stumbles around, looking visibly more tired. He's also fairly alarmed by the development, backpedaling rapidly so that I can't capitalize on his drowsiness. Within moments, he's awake and alert as he was before.

"Runner!" I shouted at him. "You runner! Get back here and let me bash your skull in! Noob! Noo~b!" ...Online game rage, yo~!

...I look back to the Londons, and uh…

Thwaa~sh!

One of them gets struck by a lightning bolt. I dunno who is who.

Fwooosh…!

A jet of flames licks the dark doll, igniting it. It turns to that London and-

Bwaa~m!

-shoots a beam of lightning out, sending it flying. Yellow danmaku pelts the dark doll fruitlessly.

"C'mere, you gothic fuck!" I race towards the dark doll with Quake Bloomer held over my head.

It turns to me, grinning sadistically. The spear starts whirring, and I decide going at a ninety degree angle was a far better option.

Zzzaza~p! Zazap!

I feel myself jitter as some of the lightning barely licks me. Jesus.

Both Londons close it on the dark doll.

Thunk!

Crack!

Both strike it, and the dark doll flies back, its smile becoming maniacal.

It laughed with a raspy voice. "Hehahahah!"

Vrrrrr~!

...It fucking sparked the Londons. Please, no.

...The Londons shakily float up for combat again, their armor falling apart.

I see my clone near the dark doll with Deep Blue. He whirls the valve and tosses it. The water gushing out accents his throw, sending it towards the dark doll like a missile.

Thunk!

It bounced off its head uselessly, but its faint purple skin and gothic lolita outfit was coated with water.

It whirled up its lance arm…

Zztzztztzt!

Boom!

The dark doll exploded, accidentally supercharging itself full of electricity.

"Die, you son of a bitch." I quip for my mute clone. He gives me a thumbs up!

...The Londons shakily came at us. The one floating towards me was not my own; it was shooting a few diamond shots at me haphazardly and lethargically.

Once it got close for melee combat, I clotheslined it with my Quake Bloomer.

Bam!

Thud-thudthudthud. This London was no more, now simply piles of parts on the floor.

Bam!

Thud-thudthudthud.

The flaming parts of my London lie on the floor, finished by a double-jumping headbonk from my clone with Flame Salvo.

Thud!

Mumbles lands on the floor, peppered with silver knives.

"Nice moves, Mumbles." Stupid freakin' shadow clone. Even if it was laughably overpowered, it was still unable to hold a candle to Sakuya in direct combat… let alone two Sakuyas.

"Hhhhh…" Mumbles unsteadily raises from the floor, the knives sliding from its flesh. Black blood sizzled on the silver knives.

Holy weaknesses! Too bad Sakuya disarmed me of my one holy weapon…!

My clone brought out his holy hanger, nodding at me. Oh, the perks of co-op mode, yo.

He charges it with mana…

Flash!

This can't be good for my eyes.

"Hrrooaaagh!"

"Snipe that, you freakin' coward!" Seriously, yo. Instant death sniper rifles be OP.

Knives clatter around haphazardly again.

Sakuya was getting pissed! "For the love of…"

As my vision comes to, I see my clone running around, desperately trying to save his holy hanger from many streams of knives.

Cla~ng!

He was not successful!

It flies off and pings off the mirror barrier. My clone goes for it, but knives stop him. Both Sakuyas stand in his way.

"Don't even think about it." The real Sakuya says while the other one just glares him down. They vanish, off to war with one another again.

Clutching Quake Bloomer, I run up to Mumbles.

"Hhghhh…" Mumbles gurgles, wiping black blood from its eyes.

I lift it up for the smooshing time!

"Haahhh…!"

I drop the pain hammer!

Splash!

Black blood splats against the scarlet carpet.

Mumbles' head is wedged in between his shoulders cartoonishly. I back away from it, smiling widely like an asshole.

My clone comes up behind the stumbling form of Mumbles and kicks it in the shin, causing Mumbles to fall over and black tar to flow from the sorry state its head is in.

...I look at Quake Bloomer, examining the black crap on it. "Ech."

My clone, nodding satisfiedly at Mumbles' corpse, holds Flame Salvo threateningly as he approaches me.

Our hangers collide again.

Cla~ng!

The black shit on mine is lit ablaze!

"I am a murder machine!" I move it around elaborately, but it just tires me out.

Cla~ng!

He strikes it again accidentally, trying to actually hit me that time.

I bring it around and clip his leg, but he hops away clumsily.

"Alright son, you asked for it!" I started summoning wooden blocks and tossing them at him.

Clink! Clink! Clink!

He deflected each one with Flame Salvo, and they flew off and created fire hazards. Wet knives quickly followed.

ShikShikShik!

Each of my blocks were stopped by water knives. The two Sakuyas stood at each of us.

"Please, try not to burn the mansion down. Again." Sakuya told my clone, while the clone Sakuya proceeded to sigh silently.

...Reluctantly, my clone pockets Flame Salvo, and I pocket Quake Bloomer…

...We resume tossing blocks back and forth at each other.

Thunk!

"Yeah, fuck you!"

Thwack!

"Shit!"

He neared me and reached into his sack, and on reflex I kicked him…

...in the jewels.

"...!" My clone's eyes widen, kneeling over, eyes tearing.

I jump. "Oh, crap! I-It was an accident, and you just- and I-"

He holds his arm up shakily. I pause.

...He gives me the middle finger.

"Alright, son." I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "It's fun time."

He tries to back away, but falls on his ass, legs shaking.

I toss it at him.

Boom!

Pi~chun!

He explodes into light danmaku bullets and magic.

Bam!

...and my hanger hits the floor again.

Just like that, the great Bradmatch came to an end…

...I walked towards Eiki, but walked into the mirror barrier.

Pi~ng!

"Oof…"

Eiki shook her head. "The other two are still fighting."

Woah, no.

"...I don't know what to say about your battle. You seem to be a very sinful individual."

Hell with the succubi, here I come! "I try my best, yo."

A pair of double doors at the top of the foyer swing open. "What's going on…?"

Remilia tiredly looks across the lobby. Her eyes scan the air for the Sakuya battle, then she sees the black shit everywhere and the rotting, half-decayed corpse in the middle of the carpet, which was still gurgling tar, mind you.

She then noticed the judge. The Sakuyas stopped, realizing she was there.

"...Another one of those dreams. Boring."

Remilia slowly closed the double doors.

"...Unexpected, but fortunate." Eiki recognized.

Pi~chun!

Sakuya takes this moment to assassinate her clone, which explodes in a flurry of knife danmaku that quickly dissipates into simple particles.

Eiki sighed. "...It appears my spell card was bested. I'll have to postpone your punishment for when we find my subordinate, then."

Hyonk.

"Let's get outta here, yo." I begin to walk for the door when Eiki grabs the back of my shirt… overall… thing.

"We came to find my subordinate. We're not leaving until we confirm what she was looking for is still here."

Oh, right, the tea table. Uhhh…

Sakuya appears next to us. "...I'm afraid I must ask you to leave. My mistress needs her beauty sleep-"

She pulls me aside and loudly whispers in my ear. "She's cranky when she wakes up. Don't make it harder on me."

Sakuya pushes me away before I can reply. "-and I'm afraid your presence here creates a disturbance. You may return at nightfall if you wish, however."

Eiki shakes her head. "We're on an important mission." She flashes a badge of some sort. "Yama business."

Sakuya sighs. "...You'll have to negotiate with her yourself, you do realize?"

Eiki nods determinedly. "That will be no problem."

Sakuya shakes her head, and vanishes.

Turning to me and gesturing for me to follow, Eiki races up the foyer steps and into the double doors Remilia receded into.

...I scratch the back of my head. Uh-oh spaghettios!

A gap opens up next to me! "...Where exactly did she come from?"

I turn to Yukari, who was poking her head out. "Hell."

Yukari pouts at me. "By the way, this is for earlier."

Slap!

I clutch my cheek. "Ayeo! Would it kill you to freakin' stop doin' that!?"

"Would it kill you to stop going against a lady's wishes?"

Before I can retort to Yukari's smug remark, she's gone.

I'd comment on that here, but standards won't let me!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I catch up with Eiki, and we're nearly to Remilia's room.

"Eiki, do you think this is uh, such a good idea?" I shakily ask her, both from freakin' running and because Eiki why you do this.

Ha-chan catches up behind us all of a sudden. "He~y!"

I double-take at her. "Where'd you go!?"

"I brought refreshments!" Ha-chan holds up a tray with a pitcher on it. "Did you win?"

I shake my head solemnly. "No, I lost all the cash prizes."

Ha-chan looks disappointed.

I slow down so I can snatch the pitcher from her.

"Hey! I brought cups, too!" She reaches into one of her pockets. The cups pour out, littering the floor. "...Had cups."

I start chugging the red mixture.

This is Kool-Aid…!

My eyes light up like a car's gas going from empty to full, and I race towards Eiki. With a renewed spring in my step, I quickly close the distance.

"You should try this!" I lift the jug. "Stuff's good for ya!"

Eiki stops on a dime, throwing me off. I slowly run slower, and eventually stop.

"...Very well." She eyes it receptively. "I suppose it couldn't hurt."

She takes the jug of Kool-Aid and begins sipping…

"Haahh…" Was that half the pitcher in a sip?

She looks around, then at me.

"...Cheap sugar water." She shakes her head. "Flavoring seems artificial. This is not, infact, good for you."

I shake my head. "No taste, yo. No taste."

She hands me back the pitcher, and I take the moment to chug some of it.

Gulp...Gulp...Gulp…

"Hahh…"

Shared an indirect kiss. Woo. Celebration…?

Yeah, I don't really care about that sort of thing. Especially not while on a Kool-Aid high. I didn't even taste her saliva anywhere- she didn't even leave any! Freakin' judges.

Now, if she was Patchy, that'd be a totally different story…!

"Come on." Eiki gets bored of waiting for me, and marches marches forward at a more leisurely pace.

...Ha-chan stares at me. "Can I have some, too?"

It was almost all gone.

I shrugged. "Sure."

Ha-chan took the pitcher and inhaled the rest of the Kool-Aid.

Wait shit I forgot what Kool-Aid does to-

Oh, fuck me.

She turns to me, smiling.

Fuck me! Fuck! Noo~!

"BraaaAAAAAA-!"

THWAAA~SH!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Probably didn't help how the manor had no roof. There wasn't much damage, but holy shit, man. You had to like, be there. I'm pretty sure everyone in Gensokyo saw that shit. The entire second floor and the rafters above are like, trashed.

Patchouli was nearby, instructing a team of fairies to make a voyage to Eientei for burn cream and some grounding wire… and rubber everythings. The library was totally fine since it's a little disconnected from the manor at this point, even if reconstructions have reached it.

...Sakuya, Eiki, and I bowed around a singed Remilia. We were all singed, and slightly jittery.

"I promise to never let a fairy drink Kool-Aid and cast Hammer of Dawn on the manor's roof again." I solemnly vow to her.

"I promise to never let a maid drink Kool-Aid without moderation… and sufficient safety precautions." Sakuya solemnly vows.

"...I did nothing wrong." Eiki argues.

Remilia hits her with a broom, something Sakuya had quickly found her in the chaos. Eiki doesn't seem to be affected, though. "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't barge in here demanding my tea table of all things! What-... what even happened in the lobby? All that black goo? Whose fault was that?"

...The three of us look to each other confusedly. Technically, it was Ha-chan's fault for bringing the dark mirror, but uh… she's dead right now. Not only that, but I don't think Eiki or Sakuya blamed her for the result.

"...Whatever." Remilia shakes her head. "...First peaceful sleep in forever, and then you bozos go and ruin it. Ugh…" She turns to Patchouli. "I see what you mean about stupidity causing headaches, Patchy."

"Trust me, you have no idea." Patchouli shakes her head in return.

"Me? No idea?" Remilia scoffs. "My mansion burned down because a fairy thought hiding the fire was a good idea. I've yet to see your library collapse in on itself… recently." Remilia adds the last part reluctantly.

Patchouli yawns. "Only through my hard work and perseverance have I prevented a great number of potential calamities from befalling it. This manor, on the other hand, is simply too big to mandate the care of every fairy worker."

The perks of being understaffed!

...I yawn because Patchy yawned. Freakin'...

...Eiki yawns.

Sakuya yawns.

...Remilia begins to yawn but stops herself. "...I should go back to…" She gives into the yawn! "...bed."

She walks off, but as she does, she stops to turn back at us. "...If I didn't make this clear yet, you're not welcomed here in the daytime, Yama. You were not invited, either. I'll overlook this just once because of the circumstance, but I had better not see you abuse your authority anymore than you have."

Eiki glares at her. "Look, I was only doing what was in my lawful duty to do-"

Remilia interrupts her. "Rubbish."

"-and I was informed that my subordinate was sent here to search for said tea table."

Remilia raised a brow. "Who? That shinigami of yours?"

Eiki nods.

"Didn't see her. Who told you?"

"Brad."

Remilia facepalms. "Of course."

I smile sheepishly. "...Hey, she was supposed to be here." Heheh… no she wasn't, but if we can play it off like she was, then y'know…

"Well, she's not. Don't bring guests like that to the manor." Remilia turns back, walking away.

Patchouli stares at me for a few moments, before floating away.

There's something I dislike about being scolded.

Eiki was frowning. "...Sinful vampire." Oh, shut it, you prude. She was kinda in the right of way anyway, this is her place.

Even if I've kinda fucked with the architecture… and caused its destruction inadvertantly a few times.

"She had no place treating us like intruders. We were here on business." Eiki complains.

I stand and turn to her. "Look, I get it. Scary cosmic powers and all that, but you've kinda got a stick up your ass."

She glares at me. "Insults will not place the blame for this incident on me, human child. Rather, the vampire is the one at-"

"No, she's not." I interrupt her.

"Don't interrupt me." Eiki demands.

"Look- sorry- look, what do you know of a vampire's sleeping patterns?"

Eiki folds her arms. "The guard let us in. She should have been notified and ready from that point onward."

I shake my head. "Did you not notice how our method of entry was under-the-table, so to speak?"

Eiki stares at me levelly. "I did, and that is the vampire's fault for not holding stricter mandation of policy among her servants."

Eiki's a freakin' asshole.

"I will wait for you at the gate outside." Eiki left the singed hallway.

"We're back with the burn supplies!"

I hear Komi float in past Eiki with a sponge, a bucket, and some rubber pads. Koi floats in drunkenly behind her, and Namori floats in timidly empty-handed.

...Komi dumps a bucket of water on me, which isn't unwelcomed, actually.

"Have fun with that." She tosses a sponge at me which bounces off my head.

"I'm squeaky clean." I snark. I'm actually just caked in soot, now.

"Oh, shi~t Komi-chaaha~n!" Koi crashes into the wall, and falls to the floor.

Thud.

"...I-I shouldn't ha~ve eaten all those… paint… k-k-..."

"Pain killers…" Namori corrects before she finishes butchering the sentence.

"Paint colors!" Koi chirps.

"Here…" Namori sends a small surge of bubbles my way, which pop on me and wash me off surprisingly fast.

"Cool." I smile at her. "Thanks for the actual help!"

…I look around for Sakuya, only to notice she made her way out when I didn't realize it. Freakin'...

I go to catch up with Eiki.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE ====

After we had finished listening in on their conversation, I follow Remi to her room as she exerts her frustration verbally.

"Arrogant, stupid Yama…" Remi mumbles. "Who does she think she is?"

"A Yama." I provide helpfully.

...Remi turns to me. "Shut up, Patchy."

I smirk. "It is assured that she will have a troublesome time with that human, at least."

At that, Remi smiles. "...Yeah. She's got her work cut out for her. Brad's an asshole."

"Mmm…" That he was. Amusing to observe, nonetheless, but still troublesome to deal with personally.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Overall, that didn't go the way I wanted it to! Instead of the Yama getting her ass beat, I got my ass beat. The idea was to get Eiki in a conflict with someone, but she seems to like playing the role of "asshole diplomat" too much.

That is, of course, the worst kind of diplomat. Especially with semi-diplomatic immunity.

"What was the next item on her list?" Eiki asks me.

We were outside the gates of the manor now. Meiling was freakin' asleep.

"hi friends" Just ignore him…

Well, I could end this quickly since the day is nearing its end, and Komachi, drunk or not, is likely to have gotten at least some of the materials I requested of her.

...I was about to say 'donation box' but I realized Reimu wasn't home. We'd be able to take her empty donation box, yes, but that wouldn't accomplish anything… and her shrine is broke, both literally and figuratively at the moment, so uh…

There's no guarantees that Marisa'd be home, and hmmm…

I could take her to Eientei and see if the immortals are having a duel, or I could try and convince her taking one of Yuuka's sunflowers is a good idea… or maybe not. Hmm.

"...Well?" Eiki folds her arms.

"I'm thinking, woman. Yo."

Actually, let's take her to Eientei. I'll show her the internet. She'll never be the same again.

...Ye~s!

"We need… A digital copy of Half Life 3." I tell Eiki.

"A what?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 26

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu, the Judge of Paradise - Judge of the dead. Can send people to heaven or hell based on their life's sins. Actions you've done can help or hurt you. Is pretty durable and has immense mana.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rod of Remorse - A renewable make of the all-time classic. Approved by four of five Yamas. Normally as weightless as paper, this rod can be enchanted by the nature of one's sins. A Yama can custom-write sins to the rod, but strikes and weight have to be proportional to regulations or the rod will fail. Must be a Yama to operate, or it just doesn't work. When paired with the Cleansed Crystal Mirror, recorded sins of one's observed life can be directly transferred to the rod by spiritual USB cords! Never has sending the souls of the evil to Hell been easier!

INVENTORY:

Cleansed Crystal Mirror - A pocket mirror which can reveal the entirety of one's life, and reveal the sins within. When paired with the Rod of Remorse, recorded sins of one's observed life can be directly transferred to the rod by spiritual USB cords! Never has sending the souls of the evil to Hell been easier!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a rather quick chapter to write, even if it was drawn out by life shite to normal lengths

regardless, time was saved by the nature of the chapter!

...fluffy days

it has SRS MOMENTS, it has FUN MOMENTS, but overall eiki is KIND OF A BUZZKILL… let us see if we can change that with ALL THE INTERNET PORN

WAHAHA

see you all next time, friends!