(in which we psychologically traumatize a judge, or try to)

Nearing Eientei, I held a finger in the air to keep Eiki silent.

"Get ready to open fire and fight…!" I whisper to her.

If there was one thing she was good at, it was baselessly defending me from random youkai and fairies on the basis that killing me and/or letting me die would be a sin. Considering she's also a brick wall with eyes, that made it really hard to do anything if anyone disagreed with her.

She double-takes. "Fight? What?"

"Shhh! Not 'till you spot the whites of their eyes!" I stress.

I look over the bushes, and I see…

Fluffles. Milling about.

...Nothing strange about that? Yo, look, when the hell did fluffles ever just mill about for no reason? Unless it's a pile of dust and stuff, they're not just gonna be around!

I come around the corner with Quake Bloomer and clothesline one, reducing it to fluff.

"Eiki, I got him! Eiki, do something about the others!"

Her eyes widen. "W-what are you doing!? Killing these defenseless creatures…!"

Ooohhh, if you've seen some of the things these little fuckers can do, you'd call them anything but defenseless.

"Waaa~l!" They begin wailing. One of them flees, while the other two rush at me to engage.

Thunk! I crushed one.

The other one began crawling up my leg. It eventually reached my face, where it hugged me.

"...Well." It's not unwelcomed!

...It started headbutting me gently.

I ripped it off my face, "Here, fluffcakes." and tossed it at Eiki.

She caught it, with her face. "A-ah…"

I heard Eiki's muffled voice. "It smells dusty."

The fluffle squirmed around fluffily.

...Moments later, she tore it off, coughing. "Ack-ugh, t-too dusty…"

She threw it away, where it proceeded to climb a tree and make itself scarce, like the dust devil it freakin' is.

"You're dusty." I tell her.

My nerves towards her had cooled off during the long walk towards Eientei. Even if she was kind of a narrow-minded lawful asshole, you could still have some fun with her if you just treaded around shit she doesn't get uppity about.

Like sins. Or opinions!... or having fun…

Well, not so much the last part. Kinda.

Okay, it's pretty bad, but still…

I stretch, and walk towards the entrance.

"...Wait, what was all that sneaking for?" Eiki realizes we had snuck for the past ten minutes for nothing.

I turn to her. "...My fluff sense was tingling."

In truth, I was listening for a violent struggle between the immortals, but uh… not today, yo.

Guess I'm just gonna have to show her… the horrors…

...of the Internet.

I take out my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter.

Eiki takes notice of it. "...Are those… undergarments?"

I nod. "Only the fanciest method of travel."

"Travel." She sighs.

I begin spinning it, and floating into the air.

"...Gensokyo really is a strange place." Eiki shakes her head.

"Hop on, friend." I call out to her before I get too high up from the floor.

She floats herself. "I can fly just fine, thank you."

"And you're callin' me weird!?"

She doesn't reply, just stares at me. Judgingly.

Hahah.

...I progress towards Kaguya's window.

Bam! My flail embeds itself in the wall as I smash my way in through the new window.

Shatter!

"Huhuhee~y!" I yell. "Here's Brad!"

Kaguya and Mokou turn to me from their game on a plasma screen TV.

"...I should really just install an overhang with a door there." Kaguya reflects.

Mokou shrugs. "What, and make it easier for me to kill you in your sleep?"

"It'd have guards." Kaguya argues.

"...I can still break through that window just fine." Mokou shrugs.

Kaguya raises a finger. "But you haven't yet."

"Well, why would I when I can just bust the fuck in through a wall!?"

"Because the walls have ears." Kaguya smirks.

"Fuck you." Mokou seethes, returning to the game.

Eiki floats in behind me. "...What improper language."

Mokou turns back to her. "And who're you? My mother?"

Eiki stares at her condescendingly. "Your judge."

I tap her shoulder.

...She turns to me. "Yes?"

"She uh… you're not gonna be judging her. Ever." I inform her.

Mokou realizes who this is. "Ohhh, ooh! You're that Shikieiki person all the youkai bitch about sometimes! You sound like you've got a big stick up- nevermind." Mokou realizes she was about to insult her.

I shake my head. "Already told her that. She didn't buy it."

Mokou snorted. "Figures."

"..." Eiki looked fairly displeased. "I'll have you know, in proper westernization, my name is-"

"Shut up." Mokou blatantly disrespects her.

"...You are undoubtedly being sentenced to Hell for such blatant disregard." Eiki shakes her head solemnly. "I can already tell your life is going down a dangerous path."

"Look lady, my life's been on a dangerous path for a long fuckin' time, and I don't need some suit tellin' me shit I already know." Mokou growls at her.

...She takes a sip from what looks like a fast food soft drink cup.

"...As I was saying, she's uh, immortal. As in, she can't die… so you're not gonna be judging her." I finish telling Eiki about the situation.

"...I need to keep reminding myself that this is Gensokyo we're talking about…" Eiki sighs again.

Kaguya has been precariously silent throughout this exchange. I take it's because she's into all them politics and things around Gensokyo, so she's not going to be into blatantly offending a power unless they act like real shitheads.

...Which should be relatively soon, once Eiki starts inadvertently pushing some buttons with her big, lawful ego.

They appear to be playing Mario Party 2. How they got the correct console and cart, I'll never know.

"Freakin' Mario Party." I comment.

"The graphics su~ck." Kaguya complains.

"You suck." Mokou jabs.

...The AI was in the lead, predictably. Freakin' Luigi. That game's luck was rigged to hell, anyway.

Eiki leans over the couch. "...I'm getting the impression that this group dynamic is quite volatile."

"You've really cornered the market on telling me things I already know." Mokou snaps back with vigorous amounts of sass.

Eiki blinks, not expecting such escalation.

...She turns to me, smirking. "I see, these are the people who you base yourself from…"

My spidey senses are tingling. "...That means?"

"This is your 'normal'. This is the crowd you try to fit in." Eiki grins triumphantly.

I don't even have words. That… that flawed logic! Aaauugh!

"...But- how, why." I begin. "Who. Where, and when?"

Kaguya whistled. "Exasperation from that lunatic is a first for me, too."

Freakin'... "You try really hard to rationalize things for the sake of being right, don't you?" I question Eiki.

She nods. "If I wasn't right all the time, how would I know if I was judging souls correctly?"

Mokou snorts, but doesn't comment.

Hmmm. I dunno much about soul judging, but uhh… "If your soul judging is as bad as your people judging right now, I think dying might be something to be afraid of."

"What!?" Eiki roars. She takes a moment to compose herself. "...Do you even know what it is I do whenever I judge a soul?"

Yes and no. I know you use the mirror and the beatdown stick, but I dunno much else aside from that. I don't wanna take a chance and say anything, though.

"...Precisely." She huffs. "Don't get all offended just because I accurately judged your character."

"But- you didn't!" I argue. "You've talked with me like, today! Only!"

She shakes her head. "That is all the time I need."

Alright, son. My day's judgements are clearly all inaccurate, but yours, ohh ho ho ho!

...I walk around the couch and contemplate sitting between Mokou and Kaguya. Quickly I realize that would be, infact, the worst idea. Instead, I just sit on one of the chairs of the couch.

I think I'd drive myself insane- more insane than I already was, mind you- if I kept trying to argue with miss Law and Order over there.

"...Where is this Half Life 3?" Eiki asks abruptly.

Kaguya freezes, and eyes Eiki rather curiously

"Let me show you, friend." I get up and move towards the computer. I turn to Kaguya, "Hey, Kaguya, we're gonna be looking up some rule thirty-four on your browser." If I said porn outright, Eiki'd explode.

She shrugs. "I got adblock on."

Groovy.

"C'mere, you yabadabadoo."

Eiki glares at me. Hyonk.

Opening up an incognito window on Chrome, I quickly navigate to Google Images and look up a body pillow of her.

"W-what even… Why?" Eiki blushes. "Why are those images on there?"

"It's called the internet, son." I introduce it. "It's a place of wonder and ruin."

"I-I've used the internet before, though. It's not some inane humiliation device." Eiki's rage is slowly rising as I bring up more and more lewd images of her…

I shrug. "But the internet is for porn!"

"No, it's not. It's a data processing, archival, and-"

"It's for porn." I stress.

"I'd buy it." Kaguya agrees with me from the sofa.

Eiki looks upset. "I-is this all you buffoons see technology for? Carnal pleasure!?"

I nod. "Yeah, basically."

"..." Eiki shakes her head. "...In any case, I'd like you to remove those images of me."

Pffft. "Like I could. They've been on the internet for freakin' forever."

She furrows her brows. "What?"

I put a hand up. "Lemme put it this way… Grass grows, birds fly, you judge people… and the internet makes porn."

"That's… that's perverted! It's wrong!" She stomps the floor. "I won't stand for this!"

I shrug. "Outside world problems, yo."

She holds up her rod. "Sin of perversion! One thousand pounds, nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine strikes!"

Fwooosh! Eiki roars with power!

"Shit, not the computer!" I shield it. "Anything but the computer!"

"H-hey, hey!" Kaguya gets up. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"This tool of lechery must be destroyed!" Eiki brings up her rod as Kaguya comes at her with a flying kick.

They collide.

Kaa~BOOM

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I crawl out of a pile of wood and rubble…

"H-holy shit…"

Kaguya's entire room was leveled in the collision.

I look up to see Eirin confronting Eiki.

"...Not to disrespect you, Yama, but I think it would be best for the both of us if you didn't run around smashing things at your leisure."

Eiki folds her arms. "It was for a valid cause! That device was created with malicious-"

"Silence." Eirin firmly asserted.

"-intent…" Eiki trailed off.

"It is important that you do not blame the technology itself for its uses, if they are unintended or unforeseen. While this varies on context, I can assure you that something as trivial as a personal computer was not a device created for the sole purpose of perversion." Eirin lectures the lecturer.

"But-"

"Now, that brings me to my next point…" Eirin talks over her. "...You've killed the princess."

Eiki freezes. "I-I... " She looks over to Kaguya's limp body. "S-she's dead!?"

Eirin nods. "Fortunately for you, she's also immortal… so she'll recover. The only reason I'm not killing you on the spot right now is because you are Gensokyo's Yama, and killing you would probably wind up inconvenient in the long run. This is why I ask you to leave… now."

Eiki looks displeased, but she consents. "...Very well."

"Good." Eirin stands there, waiting for her to leave.

...I stand from the debris. "...Pain." My everything aches!

...Eirin sees me, and sighs. "...I assume collateral from the Yama's intrusion?"

Eiki twitches at the word 'intrusion'.

I nod. "Yeah, probably."

"...Very well, I'll see you some painkillers when the next batch is ready. Some other customers came by and bought out our stock."

They may have also happened to down the entire stock themselves. Koi was going to be hammered for days, if she didn't die eventually from the overdose. She'd respawn anyway, so it's gonna be a few days of bliss for her before she slowly dies a painkiller-induced death.

...I look over to the couch, and see Mokou sitting on the remaining half of it, playing a 3DS. Freakin' business as usual for her.

At least I wasn't sharing the blame with Eiki this time! I escaped by manner of being under a pile of rubble!

Eiki sighs. "Let's… just go."

She floats off the platform. I'd say out the window, but the window has since gone on vacation ala explosions.

...Eirin stares at me. "...Would you happen to know why the Yama came, today?"

I shrug. "Look, she's just freakin' dragging me around places. Believe it or not, she's the reason a trio of fairy maids came by to buy a plethora of supplies from you."

Eirin blinks. "...Hmm. I take it she caused that colossal lightning strike?"

I shake my head. "Nah, that was just a fairy maid drinking Kool-Aid."

"...Oh." Eirin didn't know what to say about that. Her following reply was a dull statement. "...Interesting."

She probably thought I was bullshitting that last part… but the sad part was that it was also the truth. Eheh…

...Going around the side of the blown-up wall, I find my flail-o-copter.

"I'm off to follow the Yama around before she damns my soul to Hell for all eternity!" I cheerfully see myself off. "Have fun, friends!"

I begin spinning the flail, and fly away…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: FUJIWARA NO MOKOU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

That flail's still really fuckin' weird.

...The doc sighs. "This room will be costly to repair."

Hah. "Costly? For you?"

She turns to me, frowning. "That computer costed three hundred thousand yen alone. Think of all the consoles…"

"And?"

"...I wouldn't expect you to know much about economics." Eirin shakes her head at me.

Same old insults. More things I supposedly 'don't know much about'. Whatever.

"...I should have demanded she pay for it." Eirin hissed.

Hahah. Sucks to be you.

"At least it's no different from your usual raids. That part of the funds was partially accounted for." Eirin smugly added.

Fuck.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I catch up with Eiki at the fluffle stand between Eientei and the village.

"im a fluffle nut stone" The fluffle frik informs us.

Eiki turns to me. "...Well, we didn't find whatever we were looking for."

I shake my head. "You blew it up anyway, so it's not like Komachi could find it."

"T-that was it?" Eiki glared at me. "...U~gh…"

It was pretty much night now.

A large, burly youkai with tree trunk-esque arms approached the stand.

"Huhuhee~y kids! Wanna get… nuked!?" His arms began glowing orange.

Eiki holds up her rod, and the fluffle pulls out a bazooka.

Before Eiki says anything, the fluffle fires.

Boo~m!

"Guurraagh!" The youkai is thrown back, the huge blast forcing me to wince and shield myself as Eiki does the same.

Blood spatters across the path and nearby grass.

...Once the smoke blows over, the youkai's left with a gaping hole in his chest. I won't go into details, but let's just say bones probably aren't supposed to look like a bowl of cereal on the inside.

Eiki blinks, turning to the fluffle. "...What."

"I told you, they're the freakin' dust bunnies from hell!" I stress.

"im friendly"

Eiki was at a loss for words. "B-but… What?"

I shake my head. "Alright, yo. We got one last item to check off…"

She gestures to the fluffle. "That thing just killed a youkai."

I nod. "They probably kill lots of other things that inconvenience them, too."

"I think I see what you mean…" Eiki frowns. "Sin of murder. One hundred strikes, five hundred pounds."

Fwoosh!

The fluffle raises its bazooka again in anticipation.

"Here!"

Eiki leaps high into the air, likely accenting her jump with flight.

Fwoom!

A rocket flies past her, missing.

Bam!

Eiki touches down, turning the fluffle into pieces of fluff'n'stuff with a single powerful blow. She also annihilated the stand it operated.

"...It's dead, apparently." Eiki stands from the small crater she made. "I'll have to judge it later, then. Peculiar, as I've never judged a single one of these creatures."

"From what I know, they're not even alive. They're freakin' doll things." Or elemental things. I dunno.

"...Hmm. Well, I suppose we shouldn't dwell too deeply on it. We have more important matters at hand." Eiki proceeds towards the village. "What is the next item?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I told her the item was a bar stool.

We're also on the village streets now, by the way.

"I'm tellin' you, it's the bar stool!" I try to justify the choice of places to go!

"She'd have taken something like that already! Why are we even bothering!?" Eiki shouts at me. Villagers stare, but when they recognize the Yama, they kinda just nod it off.

"Ohh ho ho ho, friend. It's the bar stool to end all bar stools. No way she got it in a day." I wag a finger at her. "It's in…"

I look at the Golden Grin. Eeehhh, too classy for Komachi, methinks…

I look some other nameless pub right next to it. Perfect!

"In there!" I ran towards the small, house-sized pub.

"Hey, hey!" Eiki runs after me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Wow. This place is fookin' dismal.

Looking around the pub, it looked more like a house with a bar counter. In the back was a tiny staircase, and I could see divisions where walling was recently torn down.

A very tired girl seemed to be the bartender.

"H-hey…" She meekly greeted me. "W-what may I get you?"

I walk up to the counter. "...Uh… you got any orange juice?"

"No…" She frowns.

"I would like a fine wine. Not too much alcohol, preferably." Alright Eiki. This place'll totally have fancy wine if it didn't have OJ.

"S-sorry…" She looks genuinely upset by being unable to fulfill our order.

"...Water?" I smiled sheepishly.

"...I-I'll go get the buckets. Please, wait here…" She gets up and grabs some buckets, then walks out the back door, leaving the 'bar' totally unattended. The place is now freakin' empty aside from me and Eiki.

We wait a little awkwardly.

"...She didn't seem to be in high spirits." You are a master of observation, Eiki.

"Nah, that was her on a good day." I snarked.

Eiki jerks her head back. "You know her?"

"Freakin', no, yo. I was just being an asshole towards you."

Eiki scowled, looking away.

The door opens up, and the petite girl slowly and carefully makes her way in with the two buckets. "H-here…"

She rests them on the floor, and lifts one onto the counter.

"...We don't… have cups." She tells us. "I had to sell them."

The fuck? We need a bar rescue down here, pronto! This place literally seems to be on the verge of going under!

"...You had to sell them." Eiki echoes disbelieving.

"Yes." The girl nods.

"...Okay, then…" Eiki looks incredibly awkward.

"You see a red-headed dame 'round these parts?" I ask her.

"U-uhm…"

I cup my non-existent chest. "She's got the bi~g jugs. I mean big!"

"Brad." Eiki glares at me.

"W-well, there was someone like that not too long ago…" The girl fidgets. "S-she was carrying a ton of stuff, and asked if I had room for her to stay the night… She might have gone to an i-inn."

I nod. "Thanks for the info, yo. I'd pay you for the uh…"

I stare into the bucket of water.

The bucket of water stares back.

"Jesus!"

I flinch, my spazzy arms sending the bucket flying. The water pours out, and a fluffle scurries out, soaked.

"Waaa~l!"

Freakin'...!

I try to grab it, but it escapes, sliding off the counter and under it.

"I-I'm so sorry…!" The girl cups her hands to her mouth.

I shake my head. "It's nothin', yo. Just freakin'... fluff stuffs."

Eiki lays down some yen on the counter. "I believe five hundred yen should cover this."

The girl actually smiles. "T-thank you…!"

Eiki brings the wood bucket to her mouth, and begins drinking…

A fluffle climbs out of it onto her face, knocking her hat off.

"..." She froze.

I smile. "It's snuggly, yo…!"

"Gaaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It's that one inn on the corner again!

The man at the counter looks up at me. His reaction makes me realize I forgot to put my wig back on.

His eyes widen. "You…!"

Good thing we haven't seen Keine yet!

"I'm going to choke you to death, you raging barbarian!" He leaps over the counter. I bring out Swift Brand-

Thwack!

Cla~ng!

Eiki nimbly smacks the man in the gut with the Rod of Remorse, then disarms me.

"No fighting in a place of business. I thought establishments in this village were more respectable than that."

He freezes. "Y-yama…!"

He dives back over the counter and hides.

Various inn patrons stare at that scene, but go back to business as usual later.

"He~y! You scared the barkeep off…!"

Komachi turns on her seat, and sees her boss.

"...Ah."

I wave. "Hello, friend. Do you have the list of lists?"

She blinks. "...Oh, this thing?" She pulls it out from between her breasts. "When I came to, I had it on me. I thought it was boss' crap at first, so I bought it with the job funds, but then I realized I didn't recognize the handwriting. I got it all upstairs in my room, here."

I nod. "Coolio, yo."

Eiki is pissed as usual. "Absolutely unacceptable! Those funds are for important job materials, such as writing instruments, and papers for documents!"

...I pick up Swift Brand, and hit myself in the arm. "Oof! That one actually hurt!"

Eiki stares at me. She's lookin' real tired of my shit.

I hit myself harder. "Ouch!"

Komachi looks worried. "...Boss, what'd you do to him?"

"He's always like this…" Eiki sighs.

I hit myself again. "Ah! Fuck…"

I think that's enough self-harm.

I take out the Escape Plan. I am the man with the plan, Eiki!

"What room is it?" I ask Komachi.

"...D-2." She answers. "I like that one 'cause I engraved my name on the bed!"

"...Why would you? Wait... how often do you even come here...?" Eiki grabs onto Komachi's arm. "...We're going to get a refund on those goods you bought and then I'm giving you a piece of my mind."

Komachi struggles lightly. "B-boss, please…" She pleads futily.

"No. You've disappointed me." Eiki shakes her head. "This is the third time this month you've done something like this, and it disgusts me to be brutally honest with you. Why, back at my other position…"

Before she continues her rant, I wave goodbye. "Gotta go fast!"

They watch me dash up the stairs with a slight extra haste to my steps!

Racing up the steps, I push past people and keep going until I reach room D-2.

I bang on the door. "Open up, this is the police! Captain pilot man person speaking!"

She locked it! No matter…

I take out Quake Bloomer. "Alright, time to fuck up the door!"

One… two… three…

I buff myself and charge the door.

Bam!

That's a uh… that's a fookin'-A quality door, right there.

Alright, take two…

Bam!

You kidding me?

C'mon…!

Bam!

The door is thrown open. Various patrons had moved from their room to observe the racket. Once I bust in, a man runs to the door after me.

"Hey! You can't just do that!"

I turn to him. "I just did!"

It's some balding man in this fifties, brown hair and stuff. He looks pissed at me for breaking and entering someone's room!

"You no good thief! Wait until I get the town guards on you!"

I lift Komachi's bag of threads and pancake mix. "Well, when you do, tell 'em my name's Duke Nukem, and after some R&R, I'll be ready for more action!"

He glares at me as I hop into the window. He moves to stop me, but I leap outside.

I double jump before I hit the ground outside, saving my legs.

He looks at me as I leave the window.

"Thief! Robbery! Thie~f!"

I quickly weave between the nearby buildings, destroying any hope for guard pursuit. I assume Eiki was too busy lecturing Komachi to have noticed that I was stealing the crap 'till it was too late.

After a brief bout of adrenaline-induced running, I make my way to the gate guards with the crap.

Oh, shit, before I go out there, better slip this on…

Putting the bag down, I slip Kaguya's wig on.

I walk up to the guard manning the inside of the gate.

"Delivery for Alice Margatroid." I wasn't lying!

He raises a brow at my wig.

"...Look, I'm fancy." I stress. "Take it or leave it, buddy."

"...How do I know you're not a youkai?" He brings a hand to his chin. This fucking question.

"Look, I'm trying to leave the village. Isn't that what you'd want?"

He shrugs. "You could be reporting important intel to the enemy, for all I know."

Youkai aren't that organized, at least not most of them! Aauuugh!

"Look, I can get you laid tonight. Inn on the corner of central square, hot cyan-haired babe taking requests."

"...Not interested." He folds his arms.

Shit, man. Guy's actually got balls.

I sigh. "Look, I just wanna leave the sodding village to deliver this fucking-" I reach into the bag, and examine the first item I pull out. "-Pancake mix!"

He chuckles. "Alright, miss. Calm down. You don't seem to be a youkai, so I'll let you through. When you come back, tell them Ron let you go, okay?"

I nod. "Thank you."

He cranks open the gate, and I walk out.

Freakin' guards.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Magical forest at midnight!

...Considering how little youkai I've seen thus far, I thought it'd be like, no problem to just stroll through the magical forest at midnight. What'd give a shit, right? Like, are there even that many youkai at night?

The answers to these questions are as follows:

Many things, and yes there are.

"Holy shi~t!"

I was running from a horde of angry water-ice hybrid fairies, and some fucking wolfman things!

"Stupid! Stu~pid human! Play, boy! Play!"

"C'mere you fuckin' meat bag!"

This is what I get for not being able to do danmaku!

Earlier I got cut and bashed a bit… but since I had my trusty Escape Plan out, it had become a game of running the fuck away.

I happen to exceed at that skill. These youkai son'sa bitches didn't know what they signed up for.

I jump nearly constantly because fuck roots, and double jumping makes it easier. The fairies are annoying twats, but they mostly tease me instead of actually try to kill me or anything. The wolf guys, though, those guys you gotta be a little wary about, 'cause they will kill you, except they like to do it with their fists.

I had about two of each trailing me. I had no idea where I was going, either. Hopefully I'd find someone's house sooner or later.

"Slow do~wn! We're gonna have fun!"

"Raagh!"

Thunk!

Poor tree trunk.

Before long, I encounter Alice's abode!

I attack the door. "Fucking!" Swear words! Open the door!

Bang!

Alright, now to run!

I begin doing a lap around the house. Large ice chunks strike the door, and the beastmen tears into it.

Cra~ck!

It breaks open. Suddenly, all the lights in the house whir to life and the dolls mobilize on the spot.

"The fuck!?"

"S-shit, it's that puppeteer!"

The fairies freeze. "M-mean puppet lady…!?"

Pi~chun!

One of the shady slush fairies was blown away by a spear shot from the window.

"Alzieth-chan!"

Pi~chun!

"Graagh!"

Shink! Shink! Shink!

… I hide behind some brush as the creatures are promptly slaughtered by the automated doll defense. Looking around, it appears as if multiple Alices are floating in the air, escorted by small armadas of dolls. When I continue staring at them, I realize they're moving in set patterns.

Within a few minutes of inactivity, and well after the final dying breaths of the youkai outside who were mauled by a variety of spears and other unpleasant instruments and magics, the lights of the house all turn off, except for a few. The dolls all quickly recede into the house, and all the faux Alices make their ways back into various fixtures of the house- stuff like indents and corners.

I bet if I looked around those corners, they'd be gone.

The living room light turns on. Alice walks outside in her pajamas, and stares down at the beastmen's corpses.

"Tch… been a long time since that kinda thing happened." She shook her head. "Poor things had to have not known what they were getting into. Probably newbies."

I step out from behind the brush, hands raised.

Alice looks up at me sharply. "You wanna try!?"

Dayum! She's got force! "I-it's me, Brad!"

Alice squints. "How do I know?"

"I got your fuckin' pancake mix right here!" I take it out and hold it up.

Her face softens. "...Ah, I see you've got the things, then. I must question why you came in the dead of night, however. Did you not have a problem with the local youkai?"

I nodded. "Yeah, uh… kinda the reason they assaulted your door."

"Come in…" Alice sighed.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at the wooden chair. I kinda miss the mansion sofas and cushy chairs… which might just be 'cause I'm pretty tired right now.

"...The guard actually let you out of the village at this hour?" Alice questioned disbelievingly. "Honestly?"

I nodded. "Yeah. He was a little suspect I was a youkai, but fine otherwise."

Alice sighed. "He probably still thinks you are, and just let you out because you seemed harmless."

I shrug.

"What did you need that disguise for so badly, anyway…?"

Better access to the village, basically! I just wound up on a day-long sidequest because of it. It seemed to end well enough in the end, though. I wasted a day of the Yabadabadoo's time, and I caused sufficient pointless mischief. I am content.

"...You can take the guest room, then. You'll have to fashion yourself earplugs or something."

I hear fluffy coos from the next room.

Eeh.. "Can I just sleep on uh…" Oooh! I wanna try sleeping on three adjacent chairs!

"Sleep wherever. I'm going to bed." Alice gets up and heads to her room. "Also, whatever you do, don't open any windows or doors if you sleep outside the guest room. The only door you can safely open is the guest room door, and the closet. The rest are… prone, shall we say, for security execution."

By that she means the windows will summon armies to fucking kill you and essentially sound an alarm. I wonder what Marisa does for security in her blown-up hut...

With that, Alice floats off. "Good night."

Click.

...I bet Alice has her own earplugs, but she's not just gonna give me a pair, obviously. That's fine, 'cause I wouldn't either!

...I quietly arrange the chairs next to each other. My plan's to sleep on three chairs!

After arranging them, I lie down…

Alright, look. A bench? That's fine. Under a bench? Even better. Fuckin' wooden chairs, though? I'd wake up with my spine just gone. It'd just like, disappear. I wouldn't need a spine anymore, 'cause I'd be freakin' dead!

I try to stand up, but just fall from the chairs instead.

Thud-thunk thunk!

"Shit…"

...I finally manage to stand up.

Looking at the window, I see a violet-eyed fairy staring in at me. She draws her finger across her neck and grins.

I mouth 'try it, I fucking dare you' to her.

She pouts.

I open the door to the guest room.

"honh honh honh"

Fluffy noises.

I walk around. Those guest beds are lookin' pretty good right about now…

I look over to the fluffles, and see that some extra fluffles have somehow infiltrated the house and were stacking up on one another to free the trapped fluffles.

I walk over to their tower and kick them over.

"You're cuddly, guys."

They fall over, making coos as they land on the floor and wriggle about.

...I hear a thud from the living room.

"Ackuh! Pfftuh! U~gh…" Coughing!

I looked back into the living room, to see that same purple fairy covered in soot. She musta crawled in through the chimney. That was my idea!

The fairy was as tall as my legs, had a violet bow, violet hair, violet eyes… Pretty much violet, purple, or pink everything.

She looks up at me. "Hello there, boy! Surprised by my ingenuity and grace?"

I shake my head. "Yo, I did that first."

She tilts her head. "Huh?"

"I infiltrated by chimney antics first! You're not original!" ...If we wanna get real technical, ol' Nick did it first, but y'know…

She pointed at me. "That is no matter! Now that I am here, I will make you my new plaything! Huhaha~!" Yeah, that's typical.

She summons a magic circle, and purple stars start emanating from it.

I close the door, and hear them thunk against it.

"H-hey! Open up!"

She starts banging on the door.

...I look to the extra fluffles, who were trying to stack themselves up again. I go over to them and pick them up, and take a big sniff.

...They smell tiny.

I go over to the door. "It's unlocked. Open it."

She swings it open, and it slams against the wall. "I have you now!"

I toss the fluffles onto her.

"W-waah!?"

I kick her in the torso.

"He~y!"

I slam the door. On the other side I hear her tumbling on the floor with the fluffles.

"T-that was disrespectful of your new master! I'll have you know that I am a fairy of night… and I go by the name of Artemis!"

Artemis. The hell did that have to do with night!?

Better question: she have any night spells? I don't think generic star danmaku counts as 'night', per say.

...I hear banging on the door again. I didn't even lock it.

"Let me in, you whelp!"

...I crawl under the bed. Since Alice recently moved it around and stuff, there weren't any major dust bunnies down here.

...Nevermind, there's a fluffle down here, trying to become one with the bedsprings.

"honh" It saw me.

"I was never here." I tell it.

I get cozy with the floor as sounds of banging and coos persist into the night…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I awaken shortly later to hear sounds of violence… and fluffles.

Crawling from under the bed, I stretched.

"Hnnngh…!"

...I slowly walked towards the guest room door as my senses slowly came back to me. Hopefully this violence doesn't involve me…

Opening the door, I see Ha-chan and Artemis struggling, the table thrown aside and furniture strewn about everywhere.

"T-the door…!" Artemis' gaze shoots towards me, and a punch sends her reeling.

"No!" Ha-chan barks at her, covered in soot. "You're mean! Stop being mean!"

You mean she used the chimney too!?

I'm kinda surprised Alice isn't up or anything. Taking the initiative, I walk across the battlefield to her door.

I knock on it.

No answer.

I try to open it. It's locked. I bet it's trapped to go batshit if forced open, though. I suppose Alice isn't in any real danger, then, leaving her chimney exposed.

I look over to the two fairies, and Artemis is stretching Ha-chan's cheeks. "You stupid day fairy!"

"Nasty night fairy!"

...Discreetly, I pick up one of Alice's dolls. Whistling shabbily to myself, I waltz next to a window… and toss the doll through it.

Shatter!

"Aaae!" I squeal, running to the bed and hiding under it.

The two fairies look up at me as I retreat.

...Then, they looked no more.

Pi~chun!

Pi~chun!

They were instantly eviscerated by a series of lances that shot out from the shelves. Just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone.

Alice's door opens. "What, now? That's the second time this evening…" She rubs her eyes.

She looks out the window. "...Oh. It's nearly morning. No point in resting any longer, then."

I crawl out from my hidey hole. "Hello, friend."

She blinked. "...You set off the alarm, didn't you?"

I nodded. "Only because a bunch of fairies were having a sweet rave party in your living room after sliding down the chimney."

Alice furrowed her brows. "The chimney…?"

Mmm…

"...All this time, I-I've never reinforced the chimney!" Alice's eyes widened. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

I shrugged. "Your door was locked anyway."

"Thank goodness I do it, too." Alice sighed. "Another reminder to myself to be less careless, I suppose…"

Fluffy days.

"...Hmm." Alice looks around, then starts to move towards a shelf of her dolls. "You can go now, by the way."

I nod. "Cool. See ya, yo."

"See you. It's still early, so be vigilant."

I nod. "Mhm…"

I close the door behind me as I depart from Alice's abode.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Alright, I can now freely infiltrate human land, and I've got the stuff for Alice!

...Now the frik do I do?

I could head back to the manor, but I wanna spend a few days away from there to see the sights and sounds of magic country place.

Reimu's shrine… is totalled, and I dunno if she's getting back soon or not.

The manor… is rebuilding.

Eientei… recently lost a room.

Oh, I forgot to tell Alice about the triple doll blowout at the manor earlier. Oh well.

Sanae's shrine is up a fookin' mountain, so uh… no.

I don't even know where the kappa village place thing is, so that's a no.

Hell? No. Makai? No. Old hell? I don't even know what the difference there is.

At this point, I'm pretty much not acquiring power in any predictable manner, so I might as well just wander around…

Aimlessly.

Before I can even commit to that action, someone tugs at my trouser leg.

"Hmm?" I turn…

"He~y!" Rumia cheerfully greets me.

"Sweet Jesus, fuck!" I leap back from her fearfully. "...Hi."

She tilts her head. "Why are you scared, miss?"

Kaguya wig, right…

"...You ain't gonna eat me?"

She shakes her head. "There was some tasty meats left out for me! I'm stuffed!" Rumia pats her tummy to accent her point.

...There's nothing but a blood puddle where the beast youkai were. Yeesh…

Although, now I must gather data. "Rumia, how far up have you flown?"

She blinks. "Uhhh…"

"Not very high!" She shakes her head. "It's too bright most of the time! Even night's super bright up there!"

Hmmhmm. "Alright, yo."

I begin to walk out of the forest, Rumia following me.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

From the path, I can see Reimu's shrine is being rebuilt again. This time I'm not gonna fuck with it, though…

Instead, I've got different plans.

Research Heaven, determine how far it is, then either fly straight up… or build something to fly me up. I mean, shit, there's gotta be heavenly swords or spell tomes or some shit up there! It's hard to reach, so that's the code of game progression!

...I mean, if nothing else, I can throw peaches from fucking outer space and make people they're getting sniped by a god.

First stop for research: the village!

...I just need to get this little munchkin off my ass, though.

"Where are we going?" Rumia asks me.

"Doom." I tell her.

"...Are we there yet?"

Yes. Rest in pieces, us. "No."

"...Are we there yet?" You're not doing that with me!

"Are we?" I ask back.

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we?"

We try our best to out-patience each other as we make our way to the village's gates.

Upon reaching it, the guard leaps back.

"W-what, shit!" He draws a bow, and aims it at Rumia. "Not another step!"

We both stop. He aims at me. "You! Youkai! What is your purpose!?"

I shake my head. "I'm not a youkai! I mean, she is, but she's full, so I didn't have to run for my life!"

"M-mist- I mean, miss, she's deceiving you!"

Sigh. "If she was, I couldn't really care since I assume she can't get into the village."

The man aims for Rumia again. "Look. You… go on in. That thing has to stay outside."

Rumia pouts. "...You're not being very nice, mister."

"Fuck you!" The guard's face hardens.

I turn to Rumia. "I'll be out later, yo. Sorry, I gots me some business to take care of. I don't care what you do to this twat, though."

The man's eyes widen, and he's about to shift his aim to me, but I toss a wooden block at him. It hits his bow, and his arrow flies into the air past Rumia and I, hitting nothing of relevance.

I run up to the guy as he draws another arrow, and smack him in the face with Swift Brand.

"Guah!" His head whips around, saliva flying.

I double jump over him, and hit him in the back of the head.

Thunk!

...He falls limply to the ground.

"Uhh… Whoops." I was kinda used to these guys being semi-resilient bastards, but uh… yeah. Cast iron meets back of head, who'd've thought it…

Rumia smiles. "Can I come in with you now?"

I shake my head. "Not unless you've got like, six other friends standing behind you." At that point I wouldn't need a disguise at all, we'd literally be besieging the fucking village. I'm pretty sure Yukari wouldn't like me buggering up the balance of whatever with that, either.

Rumia perks up. "Ooh! I think I have that many! Let me go find them!"

With that, she's off.

...She'd probably go up to Reimu and be like "wanna help me fuck up the human village" and then Reimu'd shove a sandal up my ass.

I'm just gonna split before she comes back.

...Oh, that's why the gates are open. Guards getting into positions for the morning shift, and all that.

Not many people on the streets! Joys of morning time…

I wonder how fast you can get across Gensokyo in a car. Considering it takes like, thirty minutes for me per most notable places, give or take some obstacles, it'd probably be a freakin' experience.

Right, I'm here to learn about freakin'... the holy spirit. No, I'm here to learn about Heaven and how to access it via aeronautics.

For that, I'm hoping to find Akyuu. I don't believe I've met her yet, either…

I should talk to, hmm… That other girl, what's-her-face… The one that wasn't Sekibanki!

Kosuzu, right…

After a brief adventure through the drowsy city streets with my whacky-ass Hillbilly Kaguya disguise, I found her house.

Knock knock!

The door slowly opens. "Yea~h…?"

Kosuzu stares at me tiredly. "What?"

No fun reaction at my mud-spattered getup? My manly face with my regal hair…?

Daw.

"Hello, friend."

Kosuzu blinks. "...You're… Brad, right?"

I nod. "Hyonk."

"...I won't even ask why you're in that. I assume you need something from me, again? 'Cause I'm tryin' to eat breakfast here, and there's no way I'm letting you learn more ways to hurt people." Kosuzu glares at me.

I shake my head. "I just wanna know where Akyuu lives."

She narrows her eyes. "...Why?"

"I wanna go to Heaven, yo."

Kosuzu giggles. "You're gonna have to change a lot, then…"

I chuckle. "Yea~h, uhh… I'm trying to fly there directly."

Her eyes widen. "Y-you can fly!?"

I'm about to shake my head but ehhh… Kinda. With a flail, I can, anyway… "It's complicated."

"...I see…" Kosuzu sighs. "...You can't miss it. It's one of the few manors in the village."

Wait, this place has manors? Where?

"If you take the back roads along the sector the inn is a corner of, you should find it in the central area, or so." Kosuzu told me. "If I find out anything happened to Akyuu, I'll have the Hakurei miko escort me to you myself so I can kick you in the nuts."

I nod. "It'sa deal, yo. Thanks!"

With that, I departed quickly. I had no time to lose!... That, and Kosuzu probably wasn't gonna even let me in.

I continue my quest through the village. More villagers stare at me, but I also hear some traces of quiet morning conversation.

"Did you hear? Last week they found Mark dead in his house. Guards said a youkai probably done it…"

"His girlfriend Miriam died in like, the same way! One stab… that's scary, man!"

I look to the guy and the old man for a moment. Hmm. Freakin' serial killers, apparently. Keine, get your shit together. Stop chasing me, and start chasing whoever that dude is.

...I'm sure she is, but if that killer's as good as the men say they are, then shieut, yo.

"They said she had to convert her house to a bar, man."

I stopped. I think I knew the place…

"Hah. She lived next to Golden Grin, didn't she?"

"Yeah."

"Poor girl don't know how bars're run. Maybe she can strike up a deal with Marcus…!" At that, the old man laughs.

"Hahahaha!" The man laughs with him.

Well, that's a thing!

...The village is kinda a shitty place, isn't it? I already knew that, but… oof.

I begin traveling down the back roads. Before long, I stop at a particularly fancy wall, and realize this is probably the entrance to the Akyuu manor.

Some guards stand at the gate; but these aren't no town guards, they got shiny silvers and greys, none of that brown guardsman uniform guff.

...Yes, I realize that was a double negative.

I walk up to them. "Hey! Can I meet with Akyuu?"

...The guards look to each other, then back to me. "What business do you have with her?"

"I got a question about the Gensokyian Archives." Technically. Sounds legit.

...They look to each other again. "...Name and occupation."

Hmm. "Rusty Shackleford. Village magistrate… in training." Hoping magistrates are a thing here…!

They look between each other again. "...So you're a magi? Not a human?"

Fuckin'... "No, I mean I'm a village official man person's son. I'm just fancy." I accent my statement with a brush of my long, flowing and slightly muddy hair.

They nod. "Oh, alright…" He nods. "...Whose?"

"Artemis Shackleford." First name that popped into my head!

"Artemis is a youkai name." The guard scowled at me.

What!?

They lifted their shiny silver swords. I held my hands up. "Woah woah woah! Artemis is short for Mortimer, you fucking loons!"

...The guards lower their swords, but stay alert. "...What?"

"You haven't heard the school children use it yet? You two behind the times, or what?"

...The guard scratches his head awkwardly. "Uuhh…"

...They look between each other again!

That's it. "What're you, fuckin' gay?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Panting, I step out from behind the dumpster. "I think… I lost them…" It only took like, thirty minutes of tediously running around in the same square of streets until I actually lost them!

...I dashed to the gate of the Akyuu residence. They weren't back yet!

...It was fucking locked.

That's it. Time to cheat.

I pull out my Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and crouch in the dusty edge between one's house and the dirt...

Boom!

I blast jump off the side of someone's house. Sorry, person!

I fly over the gate, and land in some fancy bushes.

"Ah-kaah!" The fuck did I land on!?

I regain my composure as I leap from a bush of roses, cuts peppering my exposed bits… which wasn't much, thankfully, but geez…

"Stupid thorns…" Razzum frazzum!

I look around as a variety of guards appear to have filed out from absolutely nowhere as a response to the noise I produced.

Yeah, fuck that.

I jump, crouch, and slam the ground with the hanger again.

Boom!

Off I go~! Where I stop, nobody-

Bam!

"Whaa-!"

Thud.

Correction. Gravity knows exactly where I'd stop…

"Hmm?"

A brown-haired girl looked up from a text she was thumbing through on her fancy green chair. She looked up at the hole in the roof. "...Hmm."

I stand up! "You! No violence! I have a hanger that shoots laser beams!" Technically! They're more like Mega Man's puny lemon pellets, but the offer still stands!

Oh. "You're uh… Akyuu, right?" I lower my hanger. "...Sorry 'bout that. Your guards have ants in their pants."

"...For good reason, sometimes. Other times, not quite as much." Akyuu flips to the next page. "What's your business?"

"I wanna fly to Heaven." I state simply. "Got any tips?"

She glances up at me, "Dress warm." and resumes reading.

"...Alright, lemme give a little context…" I take a seat across from her. "I use a Hakurei Yin-yang orb tied to a stick by a string of panties with an enchanted hunk of metal on it to fly."

...Akyuu stops reading for a moment to look up at me.

"I wanna know about how far up Heaven is so I can determine whether or not I should make a rocket or somethin' instead. Also, is there anything mean on the way there? Sky demons? Dragons? Bad tempered fairies?... Fluffy nightmares?"

Akyuu takes a moment to process this… "...Heaven is as far up as the clouds over Youkai Mountain suggest. You won't be able to see it if you're not close to it, and it doesn't span the entirety of Gensokyo's sky, so you'd have to start traveling on or around the mountain. If you start too close to the mountain, you'll have to fight the Tengu's air patrols, and you may have to deal with the whims of the Moriya."

Mmm. Kinda figured mountain equals bad.

"Naturally, the occasional cloud fairy might give you some trouble. They are rather aloof little things, but they're not to be feared."

Su~re…

"There are occasional spirits that lurk the bounded sky, but they're typically few and far between. It'd be a different story if we were speaking of Gensokyo's upper atmosphere."

Ghooo~sts!

"...When you reach Heaven, look out for the eldest daughter. She'll likely be requested to deal with your presence, if the oarfish isn't sent to dissuade you at some point. Again, further from the mountain you are, the slower all response times will be."

Oh, right! Heaven people! They're heavenly…

I'm sorry, I'll see myself out for that one.

I get up. "Thanks, Akyuu. I'm gonna go think over how to do rocket science and stuff. Tell your guards they suck, by the way."

"I would." She smiles lightly as I think about how to make my way out. My legs fuckin' hurt… Actually, my everything hurts. Now that I think about it, she's been strangely accepting of my existence. It's convenient, but this the first time someone didn't hold me at danmaku point for looking funny.

Time for an Escape Plan!

Pocketing the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I dash out the door with my Escape Plan.

A butler takes notice instantly. "Y-you! Halt!"

I just run. I take a right, dash through the foyer to the door, only to find guards are at the door!

"Sorry guys, gotta go! Left the everything on! My house is cinders! I gotta file an insurance claim right now!"

I dash to the side, and take a window instead.

Shatter!

Outside, I'm faced with the task of bypassing this stupid freakin' wall.

Oh, look, it's the guards from earlier.

"Nope! No can do!" I run past them, leap onto boxes at the side of one of the garden sheds, and barely manage to make it over the wall without clipping my dirty ass moccasins.

Thud.

"Oof…"

I wince as I land on the ground outside. I don't like falls, I'll have you know!

Those other arses were back. "Hey! Youkai!"

Sonsa bitches.

I begin running. "Eat it! Eat all of it!" I dunno what the 'it' I'm referring to is, but they can eat it!

It doesn't take long before I made my way to the village gates again.

The guard looks at me.

I prance in place. "Look, buddy, I left my loaf of fluff outside the village gates! It's going to be gobbled up by crazy ass youkai! Help, no!"

He seems frazzled at first, but shakes it off. "W-what!? No, I can't do that! We're in a time where we cannot open village gates for any other reason than those necessary!"

Noob. Guess I gotta trade my legs for access, then!

The other guards began catching up, and I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen again…

Jump, crouch, wha-

Boom!

Holy fu~ck!

Because I still had the Escape Plan out, I pretty much was just like 'I must go now, my planet needs me' and fucking rocketed off into the sky on them.

How the fuck am I getting down!?

Hastily, I drop the Bawmber- I can probably track it later by whatever insane explosion it leaves- and pull out the flail-o-copter. Just from existing, it slows my fall slightly, so I begin spinning it around…

There we go. Graceful descent…

I slowly touch down to the Earth again.

Kaboom!

...I know where to look for my hanger.

Sadly, the Escape Plan didn't seem to boost the speed of which my flail affects things… although, the combination of things gave me ideas. If only I had three hands, then I could just juggle blocks into my bomb hanger and just ascend to outer space. I'd probably die from the blast damage, though, so~...

After a moment, I came across my hanger.

There was someone else there, though. We were both like, five feet from the hanger.

Wriggle was approaching it. She, he, uhh… It looked up at me, and stopped.

"Now, that's mine, you hear…" I begin.

"I found it first." Wriggle glares at me. "You took that cannon from my friends, too."

I still want to know what the hell your 'friends' were supposed to do with a hydro cannon. Better question: where the hell did I put that thing? Not that I have the mana to properly use it, but y'know… it's intimidatin'.

Did I give it back to Stormy or something? In any case, as fun as giant magical cannons were, they're not really my style.

...That's a subtle way of saying that's not my primary weapon, so I have no interest in it! Hyonk.

Some bees float up around Wriggle.

...This is gonna get messy, innit?

"Look. I know you're Cirno's friend, but… but I'm not letting you take a good find from me again!" Wriggle glares at me as more bees join her.

Now I wish I found that RAID for Sakuya… Wait, that was weed killer she wanted, right? I mean, same thing, really. Deadly toxin's deadly toxin.

I forget how much mana that cannon ate, and whether I should even bother with it, so instead I'll just try using Deep Blue.

I clumsily struggle to get the abstractly shaped hanger from my sack with one hand. I'm trying to dual wield here so I can keep my already sore ass away from the bees.

I mean, seriously. Anything but the bees.

I turn the valve…!

Fwuuush!

I dance around as the force of the hanger's waterflow pushes me back.

"Yo ho ho~!"

I walk backwards in circles where I am.

Wriggle struggles not to smile. "W-what are you doing…?"

"Defeating you!" I tell he-her-it.

"...How are you going to do that?" Wriggle narrows hi-he-its eyes.

"Very-" Wooaa~h! Keep your footing, keep your footing! "...Carefully!"

Wriggle looks unimpressed until I slide up to the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. I let go of Deep Blue, lift up the Bawmber and chuck it at Wriggle.

She grins and goes to grab it.

Boom!

"Nice catch, fumbles!" I compliment Wriggle's awesome catching skills.

Thud. He-she-...whatever it was landed a few feet away, her face frozen into one of fear. "A-ah…"

...I walk up to my hanger. "I'll be taking this." Yoink!

Also, it seems like the explosion killed the bees. Rip, friends. I was planning on using water to do it, but this works too.

...I watch Deep Blue twirl about in the forest on its own, propelled by its insane water enchantment. Catching that thing's going to be fun!

Leaving the shell-shocked Wriggle to its own devices, I go on a goose chase to attempt capturing the spaztastic hanger.

Thunk!

It bumped against a tree, changing trajectory completely. Freakin'...

It took ten minutes of wandering blindly after it in the forest, but I eventually manage to capture and tame it.

I turn the valve, silencing the beast. "That took too long!"

Now I'm lost in the woods. At least it's broad daylight! Considering Gensokyo's size, I can just pick a direction and walk. I'll probably wind up at the Hakurei Shrine or the edge of the woods in like thirty minutes to an hour, if fairies don't try to bash my sk- wait, I can just fly.

Y'know, these things don't occur to you when you get so used to doing things other ways.

I pull out my Yin-Yang flail-o-copter again, and take to the skies!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I touch down at the repaired Hakurei Shrine. I wasn't wrong in saying I was close to it, apparently, but the direction I was going to pick probably woulda taken me parallel to it. Eheh…

One question I have is why this shrine always looks nearly the exact same as the old one every time Reimu rebuilds it. Might be consistency with the outside world's one or something. Actually, does that one get blown the fuck up, too? That's gotta look freakin' weird…

I should stop thinking about random shit and actually go inside the shrine.

I march into the new and proper shrine!

Reimu looks over to me from the kotatsu. "Too tired to care. Come back later."

I casually step up to the kotatsu and sit down at it. "Fluffy places, and fluffy spaces."

Seeing the shrine all fixed up was slightly jarring, considering the last one was full of holes in just about every wall, and the floorboards were like swiss cheese before I accidentally'd the entire thing. It's a wonder how long structures stood in Gensokyo undisturbed before they got beaten the fuck up and knocked over in moments.

...Whatever Reimu was doing, it seems to have tired her out. Help, no.

...I get up, and look around. This shrine has more rooms to it, doesn't it? Hmmhmm…

I slide open one of the doors I never see used, and it leads to an empty-ish room. There's a table in it, and that's all I see.

"Nice table room." I idly comment. Reimu groans from the kotatsu.

Let's take the straight door!

Outside.

Oka~y, let's take the left door…

The great outdoors!

Time to take door number three: the right door!

An actual room! On the far end there's a dresser and some futons. It's also freakin' barren. I suppose it was just rebuilt from cinders and rubble, so y'know… needs a little living.

No extra doors to this room!

...So we got a kitchen, a bedroom, an~d...a main shrine room thing.

Where's she use the shitter? Does she just… does she just go in the bushes or something!?

Shrine maiden life is hard life.

They need to invent outhouses in Gensokyo. Or like, those egyptian pots…

Anyway!

There's a lot less going on here than I expected!

I walk back into kotatsu room. "Reimu! I am in dire need of entertainment!"

"Mmmph…" Reimu mumbles.

Freakin' comatose, yo.

...I was about to question where Suika was, but I did see her in the village bar one or two nights ago. She's probably still there… or lying unconscious in the woods somewhere.

Weren't there hot springs somewhere? I haven't bathed since this fanfic started! I probably smell like youkai by now…

"Hey Reimu, where's-"

Boink!

...I look down and notice a rubber ducky had bounced off my head.

A few more hit me.

Woah, no.

...I run as a horde of them drop in from a gap above me.

"Very funny!" I yell back. "Next time, include some water!"

Splash.

"Thanks." I part my hair from my eyes.

Freakin', yo…

Reimu sits up to assess the situation. "...Clean 'em up…"

Thud. She lied back down.

...I'll take a few for the road.

...I scoop like ten into my sack. I can't wait to like, pelt Remilia with these later or something.

Or forget they exist like half the other items in my inventory, in which they'll just be lost in my asshole space or something.

That's the problem when you go Skyrim on everything you see, yo…!

"...So uh, hot springs, Reimu. You have them?"

"Mmm." Reimu grunts. "Out back."

...That, uh… that helps.

"...Where out back?"

"Look."

Guess I'm goin' on a quest, then…!

...Wait, this shrine room has four doors. Front is the lawn, left is the kitchen, back is the back lawn bits, and right…

I open the final door…!

Side yard.

It's great to have like, a door for every wall that leads outside. Can't get enough of that nature, yo. Don't they get drafty? No wonder she insists on having a freakin' kotatsu…

...I decide to use the back door to go to the back yard, because why the hell else would she have installed a back door? What, you think I'm gonna use the side door and go around!? Don't even get me started on the front door…

I slide the door shut behind me.

Well, from here I see trees, uhhh, rocks, and uhm... fuck and all!

Where's the hot springs, Reimu!?

I guess I'll take a bit of a nature walk, then. It's a slightly steep downhill back here, but it's not as intense as the freakin' artificial pyramid-esque inclines that define the side and front yards.

Whole lotta nothing!

I pause, hearing the sound of rushing water, somewhere. I don't see anything, though…

Following the sound of flowing water, I eventually come around a small hillside to a small, dated Hakurei-styled structure in the middle of the woods.

Huh.

Going inside it, I find a large changing room. There's some buckets stored in the corner, and some benches to use.

Mmm…

Leaving the changing room, I came to the main event: the hot springs!

They were empty of people, but there was plenty of water! I discovered the flowing water came from a cave up around the side, where a small waterfall trickled down into a tiny creak, which led into the lake.

I actually haven't seen a lot of caves since I've come to Gensokyo…

For some reason, when I looked closely at it, it's like the cave was far too small to enter, like it was just some water trickling from a crack in the rock. I walked up to it since it was in reasonable hiking distance, and went to enter, finding it was a large enough cave for a car. Kinda. If you really tried, maybe.

It fit people just fine, is what I'm trying to say.

I went further in the cave for a bit, before reaching the end. A peculiar black wall stood at the end.

That's not suspicious at all!

...I walk up to feel it, as one does with all dubious materials, but my hand goes through it like it wasn't there.

Alright, that's cool. It's not behaving strangely aside from that; it's like it's not even there.

Walking through the apparently non-collidable wall, I find myself in a small indent in the hill. In the middle is a large footprint.

Cool.

I look around the indent, but there's nothing here of interest. This was a freakin' waste of time!

...I pull out my 3DS, and flip open to the camera. Maybe I can prove to someone I found bigfoot.

I hold it up to capture the large footprint…

Click!

I look at the picture.

There's only grass.

This place is fuckin' weird. I'm just gonna go chill in the hot springs…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 27

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

another chapter written semi-fast but held back 'cause of freakin' life causing great periods of nothing between said speedy writing sessions

also fun cameos

...NOT A WHOLE LOT TO SAY, by the time i get to these sections my brain is already BLASTED

im also ready to go to bed

rip me

as always, see you all next time!