(in which we don't get a sexy hot springs scene)
...At first I thought the water was hot as hell, but y'know, after a few moments it's not so bad…
Hahh...
…
New goal: get someone in here with me. Yeah, I know it's impossible, but y'know, aim high and all that shit.
Fridge logic: Cirno plus hot springs. Do they become cold springs, or does the water eviscerate her? Hmm…
I wish I had some bathtub toys, yo. Like rubber duckies and those battery-powered boats that were more liable to fucking electrocute or sink rather than amuse you in any way. What asshole made those, anyway? I mean, I like the concept, but just not when it happens to me.
Actually, I just took a few of those ducks, didn't I?
I take one out, and squeeze it.
It squeaks!
…
I hug it. It's tiny.
…
I smash it against a rock, and it produces a pitiful wail.
…
I stick it over a gap between the rocks, daring myself to drop it in and lose it forever. A fluffle pops out and makes the decision for me, grabbing it with its shell nose mouth thing, and descending into the dark gap.
I stare down into it, slightly surprised. The fluffle pokes its head out and bumps into my face.
"Friend." I greet it.
It hides.
…
I think that's enough time in the hot spring. You know it's time to get out when you start getting tired of the heat and your fingers are all pruney.
Get out, get dressed, get, gat, and go!
...Actually, it'd be 'got', not 'gat', innit? Who cares!
Now, to go about building that freakin' rocket to Mars…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walk back into the Hakurei Shrine. "I'm squeaky clean, yo!"
"Mmhmm…" Reimu tiredly moaned from the kotatsu. There were still rubber duckies and freakin' water all over the place.
Uhhh...
Actually, I could use those, I think!
"You got any spare wood around?" Reimu's gotta be like, loaded with spare materials after rebuilding the shrine.
"Mmm…"
…S'dat a yes, or a no?
I'll just look around, whatever.
I scale the shrine for some time and eventually find a pile of plywood and other wood chunks.
"It's wood." I observe casually. I take a plank, and take it inside.
Reimu watched me enter. "Whah…"
I turn to her, making my best Arnold Schwarz-whatever impression. "Aawww, look at de leetle bah~be!"
She stared at me blankly.
I plopped the plywood down on the shrine floor. "Hey, Reimu, is it okay if I make a rocket in here?"
"No~..."
"Okay, thanks." I pretend to begin hammering the plywood.
"No…!" Reimu sits up. "I just made this place!"
I smirk at her.
"Don't screw it up…" She slowly begins to lie back down…
"You made it, or had someone make it?" I am smug.
"...Aaagh." she groaned. "Just, like, go play in the yard or whatever it is you do in your spare time."
I'd prefer pornography were I to do what it is I do in my spare time, so~ I'll just be making that rocket… or trying.
I take the plywood into the yard. I might need more plywood, though, so I grab it.
"Okay…" I sigh, dropping it next to the base board.
Building start!
…
I dunno where to begin.
I take out Swift Brand and begin hitting it.
Clunk!
"Do, do do!"
Clunk!
"Do do do, do!"
Clunk!
"Do, do, do… do!"
"Shut up!" Reimu yells from the shrine.
Daw. Now I'm sad…
Let me proceed to internalize this and bottle it up for years, only to exact my revenge on Reimu for her cruelty and lack of understanding years after she'd have forgotten this transgression, if she even remembers it just happened!
…
Or not. I'm determined, but y'know what they say, it's unhealthy to hold grudges! I'd also probably forget all about this exchange in like, a day's time, too!
Now, how do I actually go about doing this? I don't have anything to attach plywood…
I'd probably have a better time if I went and nicked crap from Rinnosuke's shop, but he undoubtedly expects payment of some form.
Hmm…
I go over to the shrine's donation box, and peek inside.
As empty as a fluffle's nonexistent soul. Dang…
Unfortunately, it's also not like Reimu'd have anything worth stealing…
Stealing…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I show up at Marisa's empty, ravished abode.
Piles of books with tarps over them lied under what was practically a pavilion. I mean, look, there's puddles everywhere, broken shit is like, all over the place. It's a real fixer-upper at this point… Gensokyian insurance is both a must and probably something that'd cost a small fortune.
I lifted the blue tarp, and began scooping random books in. I mean, if they were in a pile, I dunno if she'd miss them or not. I kinda feel like a dick for doing this, knowing what I know about organized chaos and all, but y'know…
After scooping up one substantial pile, I'm pretty sure that's enough to make Rinnosuke happy. Maybe.
I begin to walk out, when I notice a water fairy staring in at me.
"..."
"Can I help you?" I begin rationally for a change.
"Those aren't yours." She observes.
"How do you know?" Son, now is not the time to be smart fairy.
"You're not that witch." You freakin' noob…
"Well- how do you know!?" It's time to get loud!
"You're not!" The water fairy steps back from my volume.
"But... I thought I was!" I begin stomping towards her.
She flies back, and shoots bubbles at me.
Splash…
…
I part my wet hair from my face. Again. My hair was going to be flat for like, awhile…
"Now the wet fairy gets the hanger again." I take out Swift Brand again, walking towards her casually. "C'mere."
"No. Stinky thief." She blows a raspberry! The nerve!
"I can't stink, I just took a bath!" I argue. "Get owned."
"You still stink."
I have learned one cannot win an argument with a fairy.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walk into Kourindou. This place always gives me that Home Depot vibe, if only because of the crap everywhere.
Rinnosuke notices me instantly. "Oh, hey."
I walk up to the counter. "I came for stuff!"
He shakes his head. "No more stuff."
I hold open my bag, and pour a spread of books onto the counter. "Payment."
His eyes scan the books for a few moments… "Where did you find these?"
"A place I call Hell." That could potentially be many places…!
He blinks. "You actually went there?"
Freakin'- no, not that Hell! "No, yo- I mean I went to Marisa's house and stole her crap."
"Oh."
…
"That's fine, then, I suppose." He nods, and begins moving the books under the counter. "...Most of these are magical tomes, though." He flips one open-
Fwash!
My ears are ringing, and I am blind! Oh, shit!
…
…
My vision slowly returns to me, as does my hearing. I feel vibrations from the entrance to the shop, and see the water fairy from earlier had fallen over and began flailing wildly in the doorway.
I look to Rinnosuke, and see him rubbing his eyes, the book closed.
Patchouli musta put a fucking flashbang spell on it, or something. Jesus.
"...Are... are the rest of these like this?" Rinnosuke asks me, eyeing the book nervously.
I shrug. "I don't know, dude, I just stole them. There're probably a few that'll just freakin' go nuclear on you."
"...Right." He sighs. "I'll have to see if I can contact a mage at some point to help me with the traps. Preferably Patchouli herself."
I nod. "Can I look for more stuff to put on my tab?"
"Sure." Rinnosuke dismissively gives me the go-ahead.
Alright… I put my hands down on the desk. "Duct tape!"
"Fresh out."
You wot, mate. "...Glue?"
"Didn't you take the last of it with you?" Rinnosuke stares at me quizzically.
...Maybe. I forget.
He reads my expression. "...You need these things why?"
I lean on the counter all nonchalant. "Eh, y'know, making rockets to heaven so I can eat peaches and shit until I barf so I can watch it fall to earth and hopefully ruin someone's day."
…
"You're human, right?" He tilts his head.
I nod. "I'm fluffy, too, but I don't think that counts."
"I've never met a human as amazingly misguided." Rinnosuke sighs. "Not since a certain witch, anyway…"
"You mean amazingly...correct…guided…" Nailed it.
"...Good on you." He shakes his head. "Look, are you here to buy something? You're disturbing the customers…"
We turn to the water fairy, who is still having a fun time flailing on the ground in the doorway for some reason.
"I think she's been disturbed." I comment.
"Only because you're here."
I look back at him. "It was the flashbang, yo."
He blinks. "...That name's rather on the nose for such an effect, isn't it?"
Yeah. "Hey, I didn't name it."
"You just did."
Son. "Freakin'- that's what it's called in the outside world!"
"...The outside is a very direct place, then."
I shake my head. "Dude- what does the O… in outside world stand for?"
…
He stares at me blankly. "Outsi-"
"S'fookin' stoopid!?" I suddenly jerk my face towards his, twisting my head and invading his personal space. He jumps back.
"Yes, well…" He readjusts his glasses. "I was trying to give it a more graceful description."
Hmm, well… "Kinda sucks out there. You got a bunch of angry, small people trying to shove bullets up your ass for trying to defend the fact that you don't worship something… or respect their gender identities… or like the same sports teams…"
Now I was in a land where angry, small people shove magical bullets up your ass indiscriminately!
"...That's not entirely different from here, you do realize?" Rinnosuke calmly points out.
"I'm not explaining it well." I defend… I think. "Okay, let me put it this way: It's like here, but darker, edgier, and boringer, and everyone hates you."
"You sound like you're trying too hard to write it off as a bad place." He argues. "If the place is really so boring, how come it has so many wondrous devices and technology?"
"Because we're fookin' munchkins." I tell him.
…
"Good enough." He nods.
…
"You got any freakin' easy building materials, yo?" I ask him. "Like, son, I need all the tapes and things. I would like to speak to your manager."
"...I'm the only one who works here." Rinnosuke deadpans. "...Aren't I older than you?"
"Pedantics." I wave him off. "Manager, son. I need to have stern words with them!"
Suddenly, hands on my shoulder! They're not Rinnosuke's, though, because he's across the freakin' counter. Gloved hands run across my shoulder, making me instinctively tuck my neck in as the tingles flow from the point of contact.
"You ra~ng?"
Yukari, please.
"You're freakin' creepy." I tell her. I mean, I enjoy the touchy-feely, but I have a compulsion to resist teasing!
Her hands tense up, slowly running up my neck. "What was that…?"
I move my hands up to hers to remove them from my neck. I tug, but her hands don't budge.
"Fufufu… You think it would be that easy to-"
I lift my legs and curl up into a ball, forcing Yukari to drop me from the unexpected weight of my entire body. I drop onto my ass and re-extend my legs, flinging myself into Yukari's dress…
...I end up in a gap instead, and land on the counter, on my back. "Oof…"
"How much for this?" Yukari puts her hands on me to keep me from sitting up.
"You'll have to pay me to take it." Rinnosuke, please.
Yukari finally unhands me, and I get to sit up. "Alright, yo, I suspect you are the manager of this establishment?"
She unfolds her fan, covering her face. "That would be correct."
Rinnosuke looks at me. "That would be incorrect."
Demands time! "I need duct tape. And super glue."
She nods. "What will I expect in exchange?"
D'aahh… I don't like the sounds of that... "...What'd you want?"
Snapping her fan shut, she smiles at me. "There's a certain ghost running amok in Gensokyo. While it may be none of my or your concern, I'd appreciate it if you kept an eye out for her, and if she does anything… overly disruptive for Gensokyo as a whole, you must be the one to quell her."
Woah, no. "...Sounds like a hard bargain for freakin' duct tape."
"I figured you'd say that." She pulls out a bag of yen.
Hmmm… "How much yen is that?"
"Five hundred thousand."
Ooo.
"...What if someone else quells her? Like Reimu?" I ask.
Yukari shrugs. "Well… find out." She winks.
"...Find out what?" I ask.
"...Find out." She reiterates.
"What, though?" It's time to be obnoxious!
Her smirk dissipates. "...It's a secret."
"Why?"
Yukari sighs. "How bothersome. I assumed you would have the manners to not press a lady in such a manner."
I point at her. "You're not a lady, you're a plot device!"
…
Yukari brings a hand to her temple. "This interaction is starting to irk me. Raa~n!"
A gap opens, and Ran Yakumo steps from it.
"Yes, Mistress?" Ran announces with a formal tone.
"Negotiate with the human. I'm going to go lie down…"
Ran's eyes widen. "H-hibernation already!? Y-Yukari-sama, the preparations are only-"
She holds up her hand. "I leave the task in your care."
"What?"
Yukari vanishes through a gap- and she takes the yen with her. I knew that was too good to be true.
…
She pops her head back out. "Oh, by the way…"
A gap opens over my head, and some fluffles drop down onto me. They begin scurrying about, and I flail a bit to get them off me.
I look back to where she was, and she's freakin' gone. Waauu~...
"honh honh honh" The fluffles were making fluffy noises.
...
Respect grab in three… two… one…
"Hey, Ran, I could get you pictures of Chen!"
She scowls. "I know quite well of the internet's depths, and if I'm going to be perfectly honest with you… it disgusts me."
Well, that went to shit even faster than I had anticipated.
"...You seem to know of them, though." Her eyes narrow. "...Would you happen to know anything about the producers of such content?"
I shrug. "About as much or less than you do. You'd have better luck asking Yukari to assassinate them or something."
"I tried." Ran folds her arms.
Rinnosuke looks troubled. "Must we discuss assassination right at the counter?"
I nod. "Rinnosuke, you're a black market dealer now. It comes with the territory."
…
"Sure." He tries opening another book, only for it to just not open, as if it were a prop. "...That's real nice."
…
If there ain't anything here, we should go work out that deal elsewhere. I'm kinda tired of standing in the Kourindou.
That water fairy got all tuckered out and was now asleep on the floor.
"Follow me, friend." I begin to step outside, awkwardly stepping over the water fairy.
Ran wordlessly follows me as we leave the Kourindou.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We're midway to the Hakurei Shrine!
"...What can I do to convince you to chase down that ghost for Mistress?" Ran begins the discussion!
"Nothing, because that sounds like a drag, and also sounds super cheesy." I argue. "I mean, the fuck'd I do to her, anyway?"
…
Ran shakes her head. "I don't know Mistress' logic enough to tell you, unfortunately. What I can tell you is that she's been in a rush to start her hibernation, for some reason."
"So she picks the equivalent of a goomba to be the chosen hero to go stop Mario. That's like arriving in the boss castle only to find a goomba! I'd be the worst boss in video gaming history!"
Ran smiles at that. Hehey, she gets it! "Yes, well, I'm sure she had intentions for you…"
Oh, sure. "Yeah, okay. I'm sure she can plan around me not accepting the deal, then."
She sighed. "...She'll be displeased, I'm sure."
"She can take it up with me, then." I poke my chest with my thumb. "I'm fluffy."
…
"So, 'bout that duct tape…"
Ran sighed. "If it's so important, I'll get it for you as a favor. How much do you need?"
"All of it." I set my starting quota!
"Be serious." Ran looks at me levelly.
No fun and games, apparently… "Well, in truth, I'm trying to build a rocket to heaven!"
…
"Why not fly…?" Ran pops the question.
"And thus, heaven rocket." I reiterate. "I'm a freakin' human."
Ran shook her head. "I could tell. I take it you can't fly, then?"
I nod.
"...Right. Well, I can get the duct tape for you of my own volition. If you could, could you keep an eye out on that ghost? If you could?"
Kinda what I'm technically doing already, actually. Screw fighting Mima, though. I don't have an interest in dying anytime soon. I dunno if Yukari was hoping I had developed some incredibly OP super power in that time or what, but I don't think uh…
We begin walking up the grueling Hakurei Shrine steps.
I generate a block. "I'm gonna block you." I hand it to Ran.
She takes the block, and stares at it. "...I take that as a no, then…"
I hold up a hand, "No, no, I was just thinking. I could, infact, keep an eye open. I've actually been doing that. Mima showed up a few days ago and was rowdy at the mansion."
Ran blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Nuggets." I told her.
We reach the plywood I left behind.
"...I'll keep that in mind." She notes my information and looks down at the plywood...
She stares at it, then looks up at the Hakurei Shrine. "...I see the reparations here actually reached fruition."
I nod. "Freakin' squeaky clean, aside from that pile of rubber duckies Yukari left in the main room."
"Of course." Doesn't even bat an eye.
We go back to looking at the plywood…
"Well, I'll see what I can do about that duct tape." She pats me on the back. "You want it dropped off here?"
I nod.
"Alright…"
With that, Ran pulls out a modern smartphone and, after pressing a few buttons, holds it up to her ear. "Yukari-sama? Yes. Yes, I negotiated a compromise. Yes. Thank you."
A gap opens up. She turns to me and waves a brief goodbye before departing.
Hmm… I was kinda doing this rocket thing to kill time, but now I need more stuff to kill time with!
I enter the Hakurei Shrine to see Reimu passed out on the floor. Fluffles snuggled up alongside her. I'd snuggle up next to her too, but I'm pretty sure she'd instantly wake up and make me cease to exist, so y'know…
Idea.
Moving through the shrine, I take her dresser and push it out into the main room. It makes one hell of a racket, but I do it.
...I hide behind it like a wall. Now all I need are more fluffles!
I open one dresser drawer. Wraps 'n' stuff. Probably smells like gauze or something… ech!
Do they even have gauze in this time period?
Anyway, drawers…
Next drawer: Shrine maiden outfits! I dunno what I expected from the big drawer…
I slide the next one open…
Panties! Good to know Reimu wears these! Sadly, they're all very economical white designs.
No fluffles in this freakin' drawer? The world must be ending! Time to go outside and kidnap some fluffles to use in my miniature shrine war I'll be holding!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: AGE OF FLUFFOLOGY ====
I enter the woods!
"Waaa~l!" I wail the mating call of the fluff stuffs.
Nothing happened…
I move in the woods towards the Misty Lake slowly, keeping my eyes out for wild fluff stuffs.
I see a sunflower fairy.
"Hi!" She cheerfully greets. "Do you like my sunflower? I grew it myself!"
How cuddly. I stare at her as if she grew a second head.
"...Do you… not like it?"
Wait, don't I have something similar on me?
I take out Quake Bloomer.
"...!" She gasps in surprise. "T-that… That was Mary-chan's sunflower!"
Surprisingly non-elemental name. I was anticipating something like 'Sun-chan'.
"W-what happened to it!?" The fairy girl fluttered around in the air, her rage building. "...Y-you…"
Freakin'... I came to steal fluffles, not fight fairy friends!
I run out of the way of an absurdly telegraphed rage laser. "Pay!"
Choo~!
The danmaku beam hits a tree, leaving little damage to speak of.
I run closer to her with Quake Bloomer.
"Get back!"
Choo~!
That one nearly hit me, but I run alongside it to get closer!
I better start strafing…
"Stop!" She aims where I was going, but I strafe in the other direction!...
...but she holds her fire and aims in my new direction ahead of me. I barely stop in time-
Choo~!
Yeeeoooww~ch!
…
I clutch my searingly pained shoulder, sloppily moving towards her. Fu~ck…
"Haha! I got you, I got you!"
Choo~!
Another close call that I thankfully strafed away from. In her greed, she failed to notice the distance closed, and I lacklusterly bring Quake Bloomer to the air and swing it. It misses her, and she leaps back in surprise from how close the swing was.
"Aaa~h!"
Choo~!
The beam goes straight up as she flails the flower around. I run up to her and jab Quake Bloomer into her stomach.
"Uufgh!"
She cringes, saliva flying from her mouth as the jab took the wind out of her. While she was recovering, I bring up my hanger hammer like a great broadsword, and bring it down on her head.
Thunk!
Thud.
She's out for the count on the ground. An unhealthy gash was left on the top of her head, but no blood came out, because fairies don't bleed conventional blood, as it were.
I lift the hanger again… and bring it down again.
Thunk!
Pi~chun!
Rest in pieces, bitch. That's what happens when you clip my fucking shoulder, you git…
…
I sit down, examining my shoulder. It was fine for the most part, but yo, danmaku… it hurts.
I take five for a moment to catch my breath, and out comes my first victim.
A fluffle scurries from some bushes, and scuttles along the leaves and stuff up to me. It sniffs my pants.
"honh" exclaims the wild fluffle.
I hug it, and stuff it into the sack.
"You belong to me, now, friend." I casually inform it.
Aww.
...I should try to find sandy fluffs on the beach.
I'm nearly to the Misty Lake as it is, so it should be easy.
I see some eared youkai with red clothing near the lake, looking out onto the water. Why, oh why must I find all the freakin' noobs?
I move along until I reach the beachy portion, and once I'm there, the youkai turns around.
I take a combat stance, and place a card face down in defense mode! Yeah, if only…
...if only I knew how to play Yu-Gi-Oh in the first place!
She looks at me, but doesn't get ready for combat herself. "...I… think I remember you."
Hmm?
"You were lost that one night, right? The weirdo with the plant hanger, stumbling about the shore?" She inquires.
I shrug. "Probably."
"I'm Kagerou." she tells me, "...I've heard some strange things about you."
Somehow. "How, friend?"
"Word from youkai around these parts. You're popular with the fairies." Ooo!
"Like, in what way?" I had to know!
Kagerou doesn't reply. Probably for the best…
…
"Did you lose your way again?" She asks me. "It's not often humans like you come out this far for no reason…"
"I have to find the sandy fluffs." I state. "They're sandy."
She nods idly. "...Oh."
The water splashes, and Wakakaka...ka appears!
"He~y, you made it!"
Kagerou smiles warmly at her friend. "How're you, Waka?"
Waka, huh.
"I'm doing fine. The lake's climate has been well."
"That's good…"
…
I walk up. "Have any of you guys seen some sandy fluffs?"
Kagerou stares at me blankly.
Wakagasagaga nods. "Yeah, they keep trying to swim and constantly sink to the bottom. When they do, they clutter the place because they don't decompose, and apparently can't drown."
I look down, and a fluffle sticks its head out of the sand.
"...They also like burrowing." she noted. "They have dusty foreheads."
Kagerou shakes her head. "I keep seeing more of these things around. All the local youkai are stumped by them…"
"How so?" Wakagooseyloosey looks intrigued.
"They're not appetizing, they have no fear to harvest, they don't need to eat or anything, and they have no apparent goals… most of the time. They just are. Why?" Kagerou raises her hands to accent her point.
"I think you're thinking too deep into it…" Wakasasasan notes. "They're not doing much aside from being slight pests, so it's not like they're something we should focus on…"
A dusty fluffle gingerly crawls along the sand, looking for a new home.
"Friend." I crouch down and whisk it away into my magical wonderland that I call my sack.
…
This is why I keep my thoughts in my head, for the most part!
They watch me kidnap the fluffnstuff. "...Is that humane?" Wakakookookachoo questions.
"No, but it's not human." I justify. "It's tiny."
Kagerou looks interested. "Oh, are they a thing that humans eat?"
I shake my head. "They're like, living dirt. No."
I look along the lakeside, and see the sand lightly shake in places.
"They're cuddleable, though. Cuddleuddleuddleable."
Kagerou nods. "...I guess."
I move towards the sandy fluffs, the two youkai following me idly.
The fluffles see me approaching, and duck their heads under the sand.
"Wal." I state, nearing their burrows. "Waaaa~l street!"
One sticks its head out. That perpetual smile is both utterly terrifying and freakin' adorable at the same time. I grab it and pull it from its burrow
"my home" It's sad, now.
I stuff it into the sack!
…
"How many did you get so far?" Wakawhatever asks me.
"Aaahh, like, three so far." I don't count the ones back in the shrine!
…
"How many do you need?" Waka- you know what, let's just call her Waka until further notice…
"A lot." Enough to simulate an RTS game in the Hakurei Shrine's main room!
"Hold on…"
Waka dives beneath the waves of the lake, and I watch her swim away.
Kagerou watches her go. "...Oh, boy."
I think I know what's about to happen…
We wait.
…
She comes back, holding a huge, brown ball of what looks like mud.
"Woa~h…" I stare at it, stepping back.
She flops it on the shore, and it breaks down. It's not actually mud… it's a ball of soggy fluffles! They all fumble about on the shore. Some stay still and exist, while others flee immediately. They all do whatever it is they're doing with extreme weight and clumsiness, the water weighing their fluff down.
...I take the opportunity to jump into the fray, picking up heavy, wet, fluffy clumps. "You all belong to me~ now! Get, in, my, bag!"
"Waaa~l!"
Freakin' fluff nuggets!
I swing my arm, trying to grab a bunch, but I only grab a few. They're so heavy!
"...Ooo~h, I get it, now." Kagerou nods. "You can't naturally obtain common furs, so instead the human village must hunt these things!"
…
I shake my head at her. "Nope. They're just annoying."
"Sad. They clearly have usable furs..." She sighs.
I roll my eyes. "They turn back to dirt when killed or if parts are detached."
Scoop! Scoo~p!
"That's… even weirder." Kagerou stares at the fluffs curiously.
By the time the fluffle frenzy ended its productive but hectic moments, I had to have gotten up to twenty or so fluffles. "This might be enough…"
I turn to Waka. "Thanks, yo. Now I don't have to get shot at by asshole fairies!"
Kagerou grins. "Trust me, it's not just fairies that want a piece of you…"
Oh, boy. I better find some holy shit in heaven to nick to protect myself.
"Kagerou~..." Waka gives her a stern look. "Don't go scaring that human. He's weird, but in a good way."
Kagerou smirks. "I'm just having a little fun… and giving some valid advice."
I shrug. "Was gonna take it as valid advice no matter what, yo."
With that, I begin heading back to the shrine…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Alright, guys."
I refer to the ten fluffles currently congregating around the sleeping Reimu.
"This is your HQ. There are many like it, but this one is yours!" I announce.
The fluffles cheer! "Waaa~l!"
"This is your barracks." I refer to some barrels filled with dust and stuff. Two pipes, one extending from each barrel, met at a tap, and below that was a mold in the shape of a fluffle. "Use it to produce more units!"
I actually had no idea how they'd go about doing that, but y'know, saying that'll be pretty good for morale.
"And, this-" I tapped a large rubber tire I got by going back to the Kourindou and wheeling it out the back while Rinnosuke wasn't looking. "-is your garage! Make trucks with it!"
I laid it at the other side of Reimu.
I point at the dresser across the room, where a sum of twenty fluffles are going insane on it. A large dish with Deep Blue in the center sat tied to the dresser with some of Reimu's chest binding stuff.
"That is the enemy death ray!" I tell them. The fluffles all stare at it, their excitement dying down. "You must tear it down, friends… or be destroyed!"
What I mean by that is, Deep Blue will go off and get Reimu all wet, thus waking her and prompting her to kick some serious fluffle ass.
All the fluffles on the 'death ray' get excited. "Waa~l!"
I gesture to the leaves and dirt I scattered around the shrine floor… along with the rubber duckies. It's easy to clean with Deep Blue anyway, so I wasn't concerned about the aftermath too much. "These are your resources! Use them to make friends!"
"Waaa~l!"
"You have eight hours!" I yell. "Have at it!"
The war begins, and I sit atop one of Reimu's kitchen chairs as the chaos unfolds.
To distinguish the two sides, the set of fluffles with the death ray have Reimu's socks on, and the others don't.
Twenty socked ones, ten regular ones.
The socked fluffles run en masse, un-armed towards the fluffles defending Reimu.
"Waa~l!"
They got ganked by all ten fluffles.
Now the sides are equal-ish!
=== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Five regular fluffles, ten socked fluffles.
The fluffles congregate at their respective headquarters, looking amidst each other and speaking in a dialect that is completely alien to me. It's pretty much just them going 'Wal' over and over again.
"',;.';.';,';." They look back and forth between each other gingerly.
"',;.';,.';,'.;,';.!"
They begin gathering the dust I left around the room and bringing it back to the barrels. Through a tedious five-minute process, they produce one more fluffle.
"friend" The producer raises its fins.
"hug"
They hug.
The socked fluffles watch the exchange and get the same idea, and start amassing dust.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Eight regular fluffles, twelve socked fluffles.
They're currently tossing rocks at each other from long range, and some fluffles are beginning to fashion weapons from sticks and things. I dunno where the sticks came from, since I didn't bring any of those in…
Bonk!
One of the fluffles was beaned in the head, and fell over.
"',;.;',.';,.!" His friends let out fluffy wails.
The factions meet on the midground, hitting eachother with pointy sticks.
This is interesting, but a lot more boring than I thought!
...I slowly get comfy on the floor beside the kitchen chair, and let myself doze off…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Reimu! I've come to play, ze!"
I awaken to the yell of an ordinary mage!
Looking around haphazardly- sweet Jesus fuck.
"Waaal!"
Vroo~!
Small bombers with fluffles in them fly overhead, dropping a torrent of miniature explosions on the side of the dresser.
Fully decorated fluffles with the Hakurei banner fire tiny mortars from their wall.
Boom!
I look to Reimu, who is both still sleeping and now has a miniature fortification built around her. The kotatsu was made into a hill fort of some description, like a miniature Hakurei Shrine. Fluffles did that 'wave your hands at it to worship it' motion.
I don't even know how many fluffles there were now- it was a massive clusterfuck!
...A mini nuke flies out from behind the dresser.
The door slides open. "Rei~mu!..."
Anti-air turrets roll out on tiny wheels and begin firing at the mini-nuke.
Kablam!
Embers fly down onto the floor of the shrine.
"What the hell!?" Marisa steps back.
I stand up, and realize fluffles have clung to me, and I notice small fortifications were built around me, too. I was being used as a secondary headquarters of some description!
"Waa~l!" The fluffles on me wail, squirming about.
They're tickly.
"';,.';,.';,.!" More fluffy noises!
"Waaa~l!"
In the corner of the room, a circle was drawn on the floor. It begins glowing…
"It has all, infact, gone wrong!" I inform Marisa, trying to tear fluffles from myself.
"What happened!?" Marisa runs in, unsure where to start. The fluffles all look towards her, drawing miniature firearms and bazookas.
Boom!
Ratatatatat!
Marisa begins running as the tiny pellets strike her. "Hey! That hurts! Cut it out!"
Claa~ng, claa~ng!
Some kind of chime comes from the magical circle. Particles float from it…
Boom!
A miniature bomber is shot down mid-air.
"Help, Marisa! It's the great war!" Still too many fluffles on my person!
She runs up to me and helps me tear some fluffles off of me. She sights Reimu while doing so, and runs to her. "Reimu!"
Small trucks with rockets mounted on them wheel out from outside the shrine, and aim at Marisa.
Fwwwsh!
Blam!
They fly up to her and produce small blasts, forcing Marisa to back off.
Claaa~ng!
I look back to the magic circle, to see the shrine's floor has ripped open, and a figure is emerging…
"Hwaahh…!" Suika stretches her arms as she yawns.
"we have created the forces of nature!" A fluffle exclaims, raising its fins. "you have no chance to survive please make your time"
A small fluffle runs through the conflict and up the walls of the dresser. It reaches the top and stares at the fluffle horde.
"haha"
It is then annihilated by combined fire.
Suika scratches her cheek idly. "I wonder if Reimu has any grub…"
Stepping through the hole, she stomps through the battlefield. The Hakurei-clad fluffles unload rockets and anti-air fire on her, to little effect. If Marisa is only mildly inconvenienced by them, I don't think Suika even feels them.
"fire the death ray!"
Deep Blue begins spinning.
Uh oh.
Hopefully Marisa got Reimu out of the-
…
Marisa's being overwhelmed by fluffles at the moment.
"Get the hell off me!" She's ripping limbs off of them as they swarm her, and she's forced to fire spurts of danmaku just to defend herself from being smothered.
Fwuuush!
A beam of water shoots out and perfectly catches Reimu in a gravity slanted stream of water.
…
The water settles.
Suika walks into the dresser, knocking it aside. She was clipped by the water, too, but it didn't affect her at all.
All the fluffles stop, and stare at Reimu. She begins slowly rising.
I crouch down and hide amongst the fluffle horde. "Shhh…" I tell them. "I'm one of you guys. Hide me."
The nearest fluffle headbutts me, getting dust in my mouth. Friend, no!
Yin-Yang orbs begin orbiting Reimu… and then she unleashes ragnarok.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The fluffles have all perished.
I sat apologetically in front of Reimu.
"...I assure you it was a field study." I tell her. "Of only the most scientific calibur."
"No. I've had enough of great fluffy battles for one lifetime. There was nothing sciency about that." Reimu folds her arms. "I just had this place made, too, and you already scuffed up the floor."
Marisa was nearby at the kotatsu, drinking tea. "Who made it this time, ze?"
"It was some fairies, apparently. This guy was supposed to make it, but just bribed the fairies with false promises. Can you believe they wanted me to pay them in candy after that?" She huffed. "I just sent them packing and told them to find that guy."
Marisa whistles. "Musta pissed off like, every fairy around the shrine, da ze."
"Right? Those three fairies of light gathered everyone, too, so now they're kinda forced to lead the anti-random-guy party until they get their candy… or until they forget." Reimu shrugs.
"Whadda ya mean, 'that guy'?" Marisa raises an eyebrow.
"Like," Reimu raises her hands to gesturize her language!
Gesturize isn't a word, by the way. Help, no.
"He's that one guy who was falling from the sky. Yukari gave me that thing I sold that was apparently related to him…"
"How much'd you get for that, anyway?" Marisa changes the topic.
"Oh, it was worth about five thousand yen." Reimu nods. "I think it was worth it."
Marisa grins. "You didn't even know what it was, ze."
"It was shiny, and it sold for a good amount. I think I know enough." Reimu grinned back with her retort.
The door slid open, and a certain fox youkai walked in holding a large cardboard box.
I clap. "You got the duct tape!"
Reimu tilted her head. "The what tape?"
Marisa grinned. "Duck tape, ze. S'fer tapin' ducks."
Ran plops the box down on the floor.
Thud.
"Here it is."
I nod. "Thanks, yo."
"Mmm."
With that, Ran leaves the shrine once more.
"...She didn't stick around long, did she?" Marisa curiously watches her depart.
I try to open the box, but it's duct taped shut itself. "Freakin'..."
I take out Swift Brand, and go to town on the top of the box.
Thunk, thunk, thunk!
I bash open the top of the box, and reach in.
Glorious, glorious rolls of duct tape…
"I… am now… a god!" I exclaim, my eyes washing over the plethora of duct tape.
Reimu watches me curiously. "Struck a deal with her, did you?"
I shrug. "Kinda. More like with the foxy girl. Y'see, miss-gaps-a-lot had the brilliant idea of trying to chuck me at Mima until she stopped moving-"
"Chuck you at who!?" Reimu was instantly alarmed.
Marisa facepalms. "Now you done did it, ze…"
Oh. She didn't… know Mima escaped yet, huh?
…
Shiee~ut!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"I see…" Reimu walks back inside. "The seal underneath the shrine was completely busted. What a bummer…"
Marisa smiles. "Don't worry, Reimu. We can always beat her up and stuff her back down there again!"
Reimu shakes her head. "Wouldn't the seal just go again? I mean, I'm better at those complex seals now, but still… it'd only be a matter of time before she broke out again, right?"
"We'll just kick her ass each and every time!" Marisa poses confidently. "...'Cept I dunno if she has any new tricks up her sleeve, being cooped up at all…"
"Well, obviously she does. Last time we fought, I was just getting the hang of things and we still beat her." Reimu stretched. "She's probably had a lot of time to think over what she did wrong."
Y'know… "How the hell did you guys beat her so readily anyway? She seems pretty freakin' powerful."
"Very carefully." Reimu grins at me.
Pain.
"I hate ta admit it, but Reimu's holy abilities are pretty handy!" Marisa pats her friend on the back.
"...And the barriers."
Marisa nods. "Yeah, those too!"
"And the-"
"I get it, Reimu." Marisa deadpans.
Probably because Mima's a ghostly goo, all things considered. She'd not only be absurdly resistant to magic, but also very susceptible to holy things.
…
"Still, what would Yukari think you could do?" Reimu tilted her head. "No offense, but as far as Gensokyo's standards go, you're pretty much powerless."
The only thing I can efficiently fight is a couple of fairies, even with all the crap I've amassed! Here I am reading all these fics about how some guy can slow down time or speed himself up or shoot danmaku just like bing bang boom, but y'know… life ain't fair.
That's why I'm making a rocket to the afterlife, so I can steal some of their crap and take it back to even the score! Or something… it's probably not going to happen that way, though.
I shrug. "It was probably something cheesy anyway. I would very much like to not fight the ancient ghost wizard if I could help it, yo."
Reimu smiles. "Good boy."
Oh, yeah, we had that incident solving rivalry thing going on. I can't really keep up with her in that department because the only way I could do it faster than her is being in the right place at the right time all the time.
That, and the troublemakers had better be weak as shit, or they'd just destroy me.
There's a reason she's called a youkai exterminator, and I'm called a youkai… not... exterminator! Clearly the most prestigious occupation.
Marisa hops on her broom. "Patchy's been helping me lay down some block thingies to help find 'er! We should check with 'er to see if she's seen anything."
Reimu nods. "Sounds like a plan."
…
She turns to me. "No blowing up the shrine while I'm gone. If there's even as much as a dent on it, you're going to be the one fixing it."
I'm sure I could just bribe the fairies with false promises like the other dude.
Reimu and Marisa head for the door, and depart, leaving me to the shrine.
...I rub my hands together like a cheesy cartoon villain. "Now, how to get from over here…"
Walking outside, I point to the sky.
"...To over there!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Outside the Hakurei Shrine, there was a man. With many rolls of duct tape wrapped around his right arm, he went to work on some boards of plywood to shape them to his vision.
That man is me.
"Freakin'... stay!" I yell at a board that jiggled around in place, the tape having a hard time holding it. I've already expended five of what I assume are like, a hundred rolls or something. There's just too many to count.
I took in the fresh air and the sights of forestry around the shrine as I worked on my plywood pod of doom. I finished the cradle by lathering it in duct tape in a very precarious manner. The top latch still needs to be started, and I need to find a way to stabilize it in the air, steer it properly, and make it not explode into force or flames, among other things.
"Hey! I found him!"
"It's that stupid guy!"
An orange-haired fairy flew out, accompanied by a sunflower fairy. I recognized the orange-haired fellow as Sunny.
"Hello, friends!" I call out to them. "I am working on-"
I jump out of the way of some sluggish bolts from the sunflower fairy.
"Fucking…" Must we always fight!?
"You're that stupid human who lied about giving us candy, aren't you!?" She propped her arms to her sides. "Well, now I'm here to get all that candy you promised us!"
I sigh.
"Cough it up, mister!" Sunny flies up to me, sticking her hand out.
I turn around, reaching into my bag. "Just one moment, sweet child…"
Sunny beams, and the sunflower fairy floats up behind her cautiously.
"Sunny-chan, are you-"
"Quiet, you! You might scare him!" Sunny bombarded her immediately. "We need this candy!"
Right.
I slide Quake Bloomer from my bag slowly…
A moment is taken for me to buff myself…
"...Hurry up, stupid! If you don't hurry, we're gonna prank you!" Sunny grins. "You don't want that to-"
Whirling around, I bring Quake Bloomer across her face.
Thunk!
"Yooh…!" Sunny whirls away from the powerful blow.
"S-Sunny-cha~n!" The sunflower fairy's eyes widen.
I glare at it. "I'm going to bash your skull in, and you're not going to like it."
…
She aims her sunflower at me after we gaze at one another for a few moments. I strafe to the side as she fires a beam.
Choo~!
It misses, her being too panicked to properly aim.
"Raagh!"
I race towards her and bring it down on her head. Apparently she thought the beam would have stopped me.
Bam!
Pi~chun!
To my amazement, the single strike does away with her. Am I really that-... No, that's not it.
I'm on Hakurei grounds; the fairies are probably even weaker than they normally are, which means you could sneeze on them to take them down.
More fairies fly up the hillside.
Star's eyes widen. "S-Sunny!"
Luna doesn't react much, but is noticeably alarmed. I remember her being a lot more expressive in that one fairy incident…
I race back inside the shrine when I see they have a small battalion behind them.
Why now of all times!?
Looking around in the darkening interior of the shrine as the sun slowly begins to set, I race for the dresser in Reimu's bedroom.
I throw open the drawers, looking for something useful, but all I find is clothes. I was hoping she left some holy shit in here or something!
I hear the shrine doors get slid open, and I ready myself to do combat.
The kitchen's doors slide open.
...Reimu's door slides open.
"Do you think he up and buggered off?" Star asks someone behind her.
In walked some blue-haired fairy girl. "Probably. The whole shrine's empty, too."
They make for the futon. I stood at the side of the doorway, the fairies not even observant enough to look to their side before they're halfway into the room.
Coming up behind them, I brought Quake Bloomer down on the head of the water fairy.
Pi~chun!
"Kyaaah!"
Thunk! I swiped her with it before she could leap any further, sending her spinning into the ceiling.
She thudded against the floor.
"A-ah… Ah, hold on! Hold on!" She threw her hands in front of her.
I stomped towards her, and brought down the hanger hammer on her. She tried to block it.
Pi~chun!
Freakin' fairies.
I stomp into the kitchen, and find some fairy girls. It is at this moment that I realize Reimu only has shelves of things, and no fridge. I suppose that's to be expected of an old shrine… even if this one was built in like, an evening.
"It's him!"
"That guy! That guy!"
"It's the pervert…!"
I see that one water fairy that hates me, a sunflower fairy I probably encountered before, and some brown-haired fairy.
I slide the door shut as danmaku pelts it. After it stops, I wait a moment, then slide it open again.
The brown-haired fairy freezes, having gone to open the door itself.
Jabbing Quake Bloomer into her gut, I continue charging forward until I hit her against the edge of the kitchen table.
Pi~chun!
The kitchen table was pushed across the room.
Bubbles flew at me, but I tanked-
SplashSplashSplashSplash!
I'm thrown back into Reimu's room, landing on my back.
I tried tanking the bubbles.
"Hah…" Groaning, I get up, readying myself again.
I throw myself to the side, in the event anything bad happens to be coming my way.
Choo~!
A laser hits the wall behind me. I wasn't wrong!
The water fairy floats in again- Wet-chan or whatever the hell her name was.
I run and strafe inward to avoid the bubbles. She dashes into the main floor of Reimu's room, while I close in on the sunflower fairy who was expecting me to continue on her friend instead. She aims the sunflower at me-
Thunk!
Choo~!
It hits the ceiling after I struck her and threw her aim way off. I jab-
Pi~chun!
Bubbles float into me from behind.
SplashSplash!
I'm lightly pinned against the wall by the force, until it stops and I unsteadily walk along the floor again.
"I'll ruin you…" I ominously groan out, readying myself for more bubbles.
"You ruined my shoes!" She reminds me.
I weave through the thin waves of bubbles, nearing her. She dodges away to a different edge of the room.
This process repeats itself until she traps herself in a corner, the entire room pretty soaked.
"Get away! Get away! I don't wanna do this any-"
Clang!
"Mooh…"
Thud.
I tower over the unconscious fairy.
Pi~chun!
I've had enough of their freakin' fairy bullshit.
I return to the liberated kitchen. I open one of Reimu's drawers, and draw… I draw a fork.
Too lazy to look for knives, must use fork instead!
Sliding open the a door, I see the main room before me. Luna is sitting at the kotatsu with another brown-haired fairy, a grey-haired fairy, and a purple-haired fairy.
Luna points at me. "E-enemy…"
The brown fairy readies a dual-handed warhammer fit for her size. Oh, it's on now… "I'll break 'em good, Luna-chan!"
The grey-haired fairy clad in white dress robes floats up. "My, my… A land walker, and a human at that. I wonder how boring this human will be…"
The purple-haired fairy flies up from the kotatsu and lands on the ceiling.
Thud.
"...I meant to do that!" She sticks her thumb up- or down, rather- from the ceiling.
Time to be intimidating!
"Morning will never rise again." I lift my hanger hammer over my shoulder, and draw a line across my neck with my thumb.
The fairies stare at me curiously. The brown-haired and brown-clad fairy stomps on the floor.
Crack!
I'm thrown off balance by a spike of earth that juts up from the floor. Running against the floor to regain my balance, the grey-haired fairy takes to the skies.
"Float."
I begin floating, a strange mist beginning to engulf my clothes. Freakin'...
I end up floating to the ceiling, awkwardly using my hand to stop myself.
"Here!"
A dark orb materializes over me, a spell casted by the purple fairy.
It engulfs me and fades, and I'm pulled to the floor weakly. Like this, I'm suspended in mid-air.
"Fine showing, fine showing, ladies…" The grey fairy nods, satisfied.
Luna looks relaxed.
I drop Quake Bloomer, and reach for my sack.
"Hahaha! Stu~pid human, all caught up in the air! Hey, how's the weather up there!? Hahahaha~!" The brown fairy points at me and laughs.
I take out Flame Salvo. "I dare one of you to get close to me! Like you, granny!" I point at the grey-haired fairy.
"...Childish." She hovers closer, but stays out of melee range. "You do realize we can do anything we want to you like this, right?"
I aim Flame Salvo at her.
Fwoom~!
"A-ah!"
She twirls away, now on fire. The mist on me dissipates.
"The fuck!?" I assume the brown one is earth elemental or something.
Hastily, I pocket Flame Salvo, and get slammed into the floor.
Bam!
Oof…
She steps over me, and I see her hold up the warhammer.
"How's this!?"
She goes for my head, but I just move my head. She brushes the edge of my poofy ass hair instead, and I make my head drop as if going limp.
Bam!
"Hahaha~! Another human down!"
She lifts her hammer, and the grey-haired fairy looks over to her in slight panic despite extinguishing her flames. "Humans bleed, Terra! Humans bleed!"
"Yeah, they do!" She smiles.
I feel the gravity spell losing its potency, and once most of it is gone, I slide myself across the floor to grab Quake Bloomer.
"Oh, shit!" Terra-chan jumps as if she's seen a ghost. "It's fuckin' alive!"
She runs up to me in a flustered manner, trying to use her hammer like flyswatter, and I knock it away with mine.
Clang!
It bangs off the wall.
I clip Terra-chan's head with my hanger.
Thunk!
"Guh…"
She drops to the floor, and I perform as great of a jump as I am able to stomp on her neck.
Pi~chun!
Luna looks fucking terrified. "N-no…"
I assume the grey fairy is wind elemental or something. "You barbarian! Must you needlessly slaughter those who are not of your own kin!?"
I glare at her. "Must your kind be needlessly retarded?"
She grins. "Hah. Coming from a brute such as yourself, that should be a compliment." She brushes her long hair aside cheekily.
How annoying.
I begin floating to the ceiling again. Nearing it, I focus on the purple fairy, when I abruptly go deaf. Nothing but ringing is heard!
...The hell happened!?
I look over to Luna, who was gazing at me more intently.
...Fucking sound elemental. Shit, man.
The purple fairy says something I can't hear, and then I'm forced to the floor again. I try to do Link's down-aerial from Smash, which is a 'sword in stone' sort of posture, except in the air… and with a plant hanger!
I stab the hanger into the floor, cracking it. My legs ache from the force of the new gravity being exerted on me.
The green magical circle of Gaia Seed appears around the wind fairy.
She looks confused, and asks something aloud. I can't hear it, though.
Fwooo~...
I figured Luna's not worth debuffing and the purple fairy was too energetic to really take down.
I then realized how fun it'd be to use an earth spell on a wind elemental foe.
She's thrown to the ground violently.
Pi~chun!
It killed her!? Jesus!
Now I feel su~per heavy from the gravity spell… but my hearing is coming back.
The purple fairy is upset. "W-what's happening? Terra-chan, Column-chan, where are you guys?"
Excuse me… Column-chan?
An~d back to the ringing. Luna looks pissed now. She says something, but I can't freakin hear it 'cause she turned my hearing off!
The other fairy looks cheered up, but the gravity spell on me begins to slowly dissipate. I don't let it show, though…
The gravity fairy skips over to me, and tries to casually kick me in the face. I move my head away from the kick.
"...!" She makes a muffled noise I can't discern. Freakin' Luna.
She tries to kick me again, and only managed to clip my face lightly. She readies for a third kick, but I roll out of the way and sit up instead.
"No, get owned!" I shout. I can still hear myself!
I stand and move away sluggishly.
She aims her hand at me, staring me down determinedly. She exclaims her spell once more, but I run at her as she does so.
I jab her as the spell takes effect, forcing me to the floor again.
She crumples to the floor in front of me. I crawl towards her…
...but Luna's shoes clack next to my head with volume.
I preen my head to look at her, and she's staring down stoically.
"This is for my friends."
I bring my hand up to shield my face from the impending stomp, and wind up mildly successful. My hand fucking hurts, though…
She didn't expect my hand to be there, and was slightly disoriented. She flies into the air to regain her balance, and readies herself to stomp me again.
Now for the other hand!
…
Fu~ck me. Stupid fairies.
By now the gravity has worn off, so this time I scrambled away with my sore hands to avoid another stomp attempt.
The ringing intensifies as I move to the door to the back yard. Luna floats behind me a cautious distance as I latch onto Quake Bloomer and slide the door open.
Fairies of various colors await me outside. Holy fuck.
I run along the outside as red and yellow danmaku particles slam against the back of the shrine. I round the corner to see Sunny getting her head looked at by Daiyousei, it seems.
They were talking, but Luna had to be a spoil sport and give me like nine turns of being deaf.
Daiyousei looks up at me curiously as I stomp closer.
She asks me something I can't hear.
I lift the hanger hammer, and her eyes widen.
I bring it down on Sunny's head- and she's not even looking in my direction.
Pi~chun!
Daiyousei scrambles back from the blast of mana.
Luna is behind me, creating spheres of yellow danmaku- Holy fuck! Big ass spheres and rings of yellow danmaku and shit! Like, it's actually a non-spell and not just some piddly bullets like the rest of the fairies!
I round the corner to the front yard of the shrine, where more earth fairies stood at the door, idly chatting.
But I couldn't hear them.
I ran up to one and smashed its skull it.
Pi~chun!
The other one leaped back, dropping an oversized steel shield. I leaped onto the porch of the shrine, ran over it, then leaped off it, making sure my hanger connected with her head when I landed.
Pi~chun!
Luna came around the corner, a wall of yellow danmaku moving towards me.
Now it was time for me to thank Reimu for installing door palooza.
...Actually, didn't the fairies make this? Talk about screwing yourself over!
I ran inside, and closed the door. I was in the kitchen again.
There was a red-haired fairy who entered, likely to try and cut me off.
I could actually hear her! I guess Luna cut back on the muting when she started firing danmaku. "A-ah! I got you!"
A stream of red danmaku shoots outward towards me, but I weave through some of it. I tank the rest, feeling the burning pellets mare my energy and motivation as I clothesline her with the hanger.
Cla~ng!
She fell to the floor, and I readied a kick…
Pi~chun!
I progressed to the main room again. The kotatsu was shivering, for some reason.
"W-we need her…" The gravity fairy told some sunflower fairy who was kneeling over her. Other fairies were staring down at her crumpled form. "P-please… M-my friends…"
"We'll get her for you!" The fairies cheered. A few flew out the front door, but a few stopped and noticed me.
"I-it's him!"
They aim at me.
"N-no!" Gravity fairy looks terrified. The fairy kneeling over her does, too.
ChooChooChoo~!
I run forward, the lasers missing me. I reel my hanger hammer back, and get a clean blow to the fairy's shielding forearms.
Thunk!
An unhealthy thunk resounds as she's thrown back. I sweep it into her head-
Pi~chun!
Now, for the other twats…
ChooChooChoo~!
I run inbetween two lasers, and manage to whack one.
Bonk!
"Aaugh!"
I slide the flower-adorned shaft into the stomach of another.
"Uugh!"
Choo~!
The laser misses me and hits her friend.
Pi~chun!
I bring the hammer down on the other friend.
Pi~chun!
While she aims at me, I go for the gravity fairy.
Pi~chun!
Choo~!
It blows away the top of the shivering kotatsu, revealing Daiyousei crouched under it.
"Kyaaa~h!" She flails her limbs, and makes for the door. I let her go.
I glare down the sunflower fairy.
"I won't forgive you for what you did to Up-chan!"
Up-chan.
In any case, I slowly step towards her. "I never asked for forgiveness."
I was too caught up in stepping towards her to notice she was preparing another blast.
Choo~!
Fuuu~ck!
I dodge wa~y too late, already feeling the immensely painful effects of a direct laser blast to my torso.
"Aaah…" I moan out, stumbling around.
Daaa~mn…
She grins incredulously. "I-...I did it… I did it! I stopped the mean man! Yaa~y!"
I step towards her. "You got me. I surrender."
She smiles. "Good!" Floating up to me, she grabs me by the hair. "Now, come with me! I'm gonna make you take us to the candy stash!"
"Hold on. I got… a map… for you." Bullshitting is hard right now…
She beams. "Ooh, even better!" She jerks my head towards hers by yanking on my hair. "Where is it?"
"...My shoes."
She lets go of my head, and floats in front of me. She tries to push me over, but I weakly bring my hanger hammer across her face.
"Aaaa~h!" She squeals.
I use my mana to buff myself again, the last one actually fucking running out due to how long this battle has been.
I jab it into her head, and she falls over.
'A-oh…" She weakly groans, flopping on the floor.
I kick her.
Pi~chun!
This room is mine again…
I run into the kitchen. I hear a door slide open in the main room.
I tear through the upper shelves until I see what looks like a wrapped good.
"...Good enough." I grunt, ripping it open. Inside was some bread!
I scarf down a bite.
…
I wish I had fucking healing potions right now. Jesus. This bread's doing nothing! If only I could heal really fast by eating crap!
I toss it onto the counter. I see Luna in the main room.
She floats in and I move to the kitchen table. Danmaku whirls through the air as I flip the table over with a hanger strike and hide behind it. I go deaf again.
"Muting my hearing won't help!" I shout.
I ready myself.
Luna floats over the counter, and I swing the hammer in an arching motion that collides with her stomach.
"...!" Luna's eyes widen in sudden terror.
She thuds against the floor on the other side. I walk around the kitchen table, and look down at her.
"..." She says something, but I can't hear it.
I raise my hanger, and she raises a hand.
I bring the hanger down.
She fires a burst of danmaku.
Pi~chun!
The pain overwhelms my senses, sending me reeling to the floor…
Holy shit, fairies…
are strong…
…
…
Uhh…
I'm still awake, apparently. My mana's not too hot, and I'm in a world of hurt, but I'm not out of the fight yet!
…
Alright, I might be out of the fight. I can still look around, though!
What a ceiling, yo. Look at that freakin' kitchen table. Looks like it was made at a fookin' second-hand goods store.
…
Alright, Brad, baby steps…
I let go of Quake Bloomer and reach up onto the counter. I can't pull myself up, though…
Wait.
I make some blocks with my tiny mana reserves.
I make more blocks.
I try to generate them under myself to get up to the counter, but eventually I just displace those under me and end up with a floor of blocks.
Some way or another, I'm getting to that sodding counter!
…
Actually, I've nearly hit the self-imposed word count limit for this chapter. Help, no.
A gap opens up over me, and more water pours out onto me.
I'll be honest, that wasn't unwelcomed that time. I'm perfectly fine with some refreshments!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 28
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed.
INVENTORY:
Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
let the fairy warfare commence!
yeah technically 33 chapters in (or 28 as far as im concerned) and im still fighting fairies, and i'm totally okay with that because im SLOWLY BUT STEADILY making my way up in the world, yo
i will have a boss to fight, but i'll be ready for it, don't you worry, yo
okay maybe worry
as always, see you all next time!
