(in which we go to reverse Hell)

Heaven's a surprisingly dull looking place. I mean, it is pretty amazing by human standards and looks fairly pretty… but I kinda expected the whole 'anything your heart desires' connotation most religions give it. Here it's just kinda, uh… rich snobby twats.

That fluffle's still trying to snack on my shoe. It looks cuddly, but let's face it, it'd probably give me like, heaven-borne illnesses or something. Those are surely the worst kind of illnesses.

I think I've had enough of a breather!

I stand from the bench seat thing, the posh fellow looking up at me as I do so.

"Are you finally going to vacate my church? Your presence here is undignifying."

The unneeded amount of venom in the way he says it actually makes me wanna laugh!

"Ho ho ho! 'Cause, y'know, the fluffle infestation doesn't say anything…"

He grins back. "I know not of what you speak. Are you grasping for straws, my good sir?"

I bend down and lift up a cuddle nugget. "Here. It's fluffy, and uh…"

I look around, watching them scurry under all the rows.

"They're kinda everywhere."

It looks at me. "im sniffable"

Please, no.

He scowls. "Ri~ght. Those unkempt vermin… I've tried everything. I tried laying out wine for them, setting up those Earthen 'mouse traps' as they were… They're simply ungrateful little whelps!"

You did what for them? The hell was that supposed to do!? Were you tryin'a get 'em drunk or something!?

Pffft… "Hahahaha~!"

"...I fail to see what is so funny, mortal." He folds his arms, looking bitter.

"I-It's nothing, friend. Keep doing you, yo, keep doin' you."

I turn and proceed to walk out of the church as the fancy fellow watches me leave.

Guy's a freakin' legend, yo.

Leaving the church, I find myself in the town square again…

Wait, aren't I here to do looting? I should go back inside and case the place. I doubt the guy'll know what's going on. Do they even have thieves in heaven?

I suppose I'll find out…!

I re-enter the church.

"...I would appreciate it if you left." Chucklefuck over here is happy to see me!

"I'm just here to admire the beautiful church things! Nice money, by the way!" Throw compliments at him!

He rolls his eyes. "Hmph… If you insist, mortal. I doubt you've ever seen such grace before."

Honestly, this place looks like it was adapted from an NES game, but… y'know. Grace.

I look to the sides of the room, which I didn't bother with before. There were counters with various books, some basket-esque bowls of peaches, and what looked like fancy bottles of water. Holy water, maybe? Hmmm…

I see some fancy candles, with the golden holders and everything, on the tables. That gives me an idea…

But first, I gotta swindle it when the guy's busy.

"Ey, ey Woody!" I address him. "I think I know a way to be rid of the vermin!"

He snorts. "What could an ignorant fop such as yourself possibly know about vermin? Especially at this altitude?"

I ignore most of his sentence. "We got 'em on Earth, too. We call 'em wombat ramblers… but I like to call them fluffles. Here's whatcha gotta do…" I reach for one of the wax stick candles as opposed to the mini goblet things. "Take some wax…"

I find a fluffle and grab it.

"honh"

"Then, ya beat the shit outta 'em!"

Crack!

I whacked it over the head with the wax stick, breaking it. The flaming wick drops to the floor, but since it's stone, it really doesn't matter.

"Waaa~l!" The fluffle is now upset!

"...Are you sure that will drive these things away?"

I drop the fluffle. "Trust me, it's like an ant hotel. They go in, but they never come out!" This analogy doesn't work at all.

Thankfully, the guy's fookin' stoopid. "...I will take your word for it, mortal. My appreciations."

...He moves to grab a candle stick himself, daintily plucking it from its holder. While he does that, I take a few of the goblet things, blow them out, and shove them in my sack.

I'm sure Marisa would be proud. In any case, I think this dude has enough money for a couple hundred more golden goblet candles to replace the four I stole.

I begin leaving the church. "See ya later, richie rich!"

He doesn't acknowledge me, as he is busy lifting a fluffle, posturing himself to smash it over the head with one of the candlesticks.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The town square is rather quaint. By that, I mean it's freakin' tiny. For a place as revered as heaven, you'd think it'd be a bit bigger. However, I do notice there are roads and chains of floating islands that seem to lead to other little towns, so there's probably a lot more to heaven than meets the eye. They all only go in the direction of Youkai Mountain, though, which makes sense.

Some moustached guy with pale-blue hair walks up to me. "Might I inquire what a mortal like you is doing this high up? Surely, you know this is no place for those not of celestial blood."

...Is that hair dyed, or is just naturally cotton-candy colored?

I shrug. "I dunno, son. I was just minding my own business, and I guess I took a few wrong turns in the woods, or something. I just ended up here!"

His eyes widen. "How does that even happen!? We're in the sky, you nincompoop!"

It's been a lo~ng time since I heard that word used, and I think I know why…

"I dunno, son! You tell me! Now I'm in the sky, and there's no way down! This is your fault!" I point at him, acting frazzled.

"My~ fault!?" Hoho~ly frik, didn't expect him to get that mad.

"Yeah, yo. Now I'm freakin… fluffy." Hyonk.

"Just wait until the eldest daughter arrives! Then you'll be sorry!" He glares at me.

Wait, are we just gonna stand here, then? "...Y'know, you could throw a punch yourself, or uh…"

"What kind of mayor do you take me for? I need not step down to such levels. The eldest daughter is the one tasked with the defense of heaven, not I."

Oh. So you're good for nothing, basically? I mean, you manage the town, but… it's heaven. What do you really need to manage other than the weekly sky golf tourny or somethin'?

Sky golf. The deadliest form of golf, mostly because if the ball falls from the clouds, it'll probably snipe someone on the ground below.

"...Do you play golf up here?" I inquire.

He seems surprised by the question, but nods anyway. "...Minigolf, yes."

Daa~w. I guess that's fine, too…

So freakin' sunny up here. Jesus. I'm kinda sorry that no one seems to have invented sunglasses up here yet…

"The sun bother you guys at all?" I ask mister mayor person.

He looks perplexed. "...No?"

How. You people are weird!

Loud footsteps are heard nearby, and I turn to see a fluffy face.

"This better be interesting."

Tenshi Hinanawi steps up to the mayor from one of the paths that lead out of the village.

"There you are! Eldest daughter, I need-"

"Shut up, Paul." Tenshi shoots him down.

"But, I- we-"

"I said shut up." She glares him down.

He glares back, but does indeed shut up.

...She turns to me. "You fly up here?"

I shake my head. "Rode up here, yo. Duct taped box with a rocket engine."

She nods. "So you flew."

"Technically."

She hums in recognition, turning to the mayor, then back to me. "...I don't see a problem here, really."

The mayor's jaw drops. "You don't see a problem!? There is an outsider in heaven, eldest daughter. How is that not a problem?"

"It's not like he's even doing anything! It looks like he's just standing here." Tenshi argues back. "And don't give me that whole 'he's a mortal' shtick again. If he got up here, he's surely not that mortal."

"But, we're a dignified-"

"This is literally the most uptight town thing here, and I thought the rest of heaven sucked. You guys are awful." Tenshi freakin' roasts the dude!

The mayor's face gets red. "J-just wait until I tell your father what a disgrace you've caused here today!"

She shakes her head. "Pretty sure he's heard worse already. I don't think he'll care."

She begins walking away. "I thought it was gonna be interesting, too. Handle your own problems."

As she leaves, I nod at the mayor. "Good job, son. Ya blew it."

He turns to me, expression sour. "I did not, in fact, 'blow' anything."

If this place is the worst in heaven, I think I shouldn't use it to judge how shitty heaven is as a whole. I think I'll go to another one of the little sky towns…

Tenshi walked to the left-most one. This town only has two paths branching from it, so it must be the very edge of heaven. No wonder it was shite, huh?

I begin walking off, heading for the right-most path, mostly because I dunno if stalking Tenshi'd be a good idea.

The mayor follows behind me. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Home." I tell him.

"Oh. Good riddance." He stops following me, apparently taking my word for it.

What a clown case, yo. This entire freakin' town.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The paths in between towns look like something out of Super Mario Bros.

Cloud fairies are floating around haphazardly, and all the tiny sky islands in between that make up the path are disconnected. You're probably expected to fly, and not actually walk. The fancy bridges end the moment I get out of town.

This'll be an experience!

Drawing Swift Brand, I take off onto the first sky island out of the gate.

A cloud fairy sees me. "An unescorted human? Interesting…"

Freakin'... You know what?

Screw Swift Brand. I pocket it and take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Today is a great day to die!" I yell, startling the fairy.

"Oh, my!"

I crouch, jump, and smack the floor.

Bam!

I fly across half the level's worth of fairies and jumps. Many of them stop and stare at me, perplexed by what the hell that explosion was.

I slide onto the plastic-looking grass of one of the higher sky-islands. Taking a moment, I will myself to stand up…

Fairies surround me, curious.

"What was that?"

"It's a human! A human!"

"Up here…?"

Wasting no time, I bolt from them and double jump off the ledge to the next island. I pause on it to stow my Bawmber away, and I take out my Escape Plan to give my half blown-up legs a burst of speed.

"Yeah-hah-hah!" Sky parkour, yo~!

The fairies follow me as I make a mad dash over islands to the next fancy bridge. As I do so, transparent figures materialize on some of the oncoming islands and fire icicles at me.

"Jesus! Chill the fuck out!" Pun unintended, by the way. Pissed off ghosts!

The fairies get clipped by some of the icicles, and begin firing back. I end up with pale grey danmaku on my ass and deadly ice shrapnel from the front!

I try really hard to not get impaled for obvious reasons. I don't give a shit about the danmaku as much, even though it hurts like hell.

An icicle whirs past my face. "Woah!"

...Before long, though, it's just a war between the fairies and the sky phantoms.

I dash past the phantoms and reach the gate on the other side, running into town.

Fucking athletic levels, dude…

...I plant my arms on my knees, panting. More citizens surround me, but they're not as hilariously gaudy as the last town. Women and men with hair all the colors of the rainbow stare at me.

"...You guys ever think of some AA turrets, or some shit? I mean, what the fuck was that?" I gesture to the small danmaku war behind me.

A blue-haired woman walks up to me. "...Ah, you're a human. No wonder. It's just a human, everyone."

The crowd nonchalantly disperses.

...The woman bends down slightly. "Welcome to one of heaven's many settlements. Our town is very aptly named forty-eight, as per the realm's naming policies. You just came from fifty, did you not?"

I nod.

"...I take it it left a bad taste in your mouth?"

Yea~h…

"...I can see it on your face." She smiles. "Well, we're not all that stupid. Come, let us dine."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We sit at a large dining table fit for Valhalla. Few others are here though.

I'm given a bowl of peaches. It begins…!

The blue-haired woman stares down at her peach basket in disinterest. Hohoho…

"I take it you have a few questions to ask?"

I nod. "Yeah. For starters, how do you deal with the fairies between towns? Aren't they a freakin' hazard?"

...She looks visibly mystified. "...No? They're as weak as household pets, even the phantoms. A single citizen could probably go out and clean up the lanes between, but there's no point, really. The fairies and ghosts would come to play again simply due to how fertile heaven is."

...As weak as household pets. Yeah, okay. "How strong are you guys, then?"

She tilts her head. "Do you not know what we are?"

...I feel like I should know, but I'm drawing a blank. "Heaven people?"

"Celestials."

Ahh, shit. I actually knew that one. I'm getting rusty! Oh well…

"We're far stronger than humans, to be certain. Especially since we're technically dead." She chuckles after that. "...So we don't really have to worry about dying anymore. Technically."

Yeah, technically.

She raises a hand, and a glass of wine floats to her from across the table, lifted by a sparkly blue aura.

Okay, now she's just showing off.

"You see, all of us were, for the most part, humans previously. There are a few… exceptions. Take sector fifty, for example. I'm pretty sure the eldest daughter's going to destroy that place herself some day." The wine reaches her, and she sips from it.

"How do become celestial do?" I ask. Not that I was interested, but how does it happen? Do you just die and go here?

"Typically, it has to be run through by us. It's a magical means of obtaining a, ahem, 'form of immortality'. Hermits, whom are typically powerful magi, usually apply for a position here. Most of the time, though, it's a case-by-case basis. We only allow special individuals to be a part of us, for the most part."

Fluffy…

"Which is why I wish to know… how did you get here? It is not often a human ends up here without purpose. You were brought here by a higher power, were you not?" She looks up at me, and smiles warmly.

I shake my head. "Nah, I rode a box I built out of duct tape with a rocket engine strapped to the bottom."

Her face fell. "Oh."

"Get out."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land on my ass outside her grand dining hall building thing. "Feel free to look around, but I never told you anything. Got it?"

The double doors slam shut.

She was probably expecting someone taller, it seems…

There's some brown-haired guy on the bench nearby, chuckling. As I stand, he calls out to me. "So, you pissed off Tamiko, huh?"

I nod. "You could say that."

He shrugs. "Happens to all of us, buddy. She's hot, but man, if she ain't passive aggressive!"

This guy looks like generic anime protagonist number fifty-three. "Fluffy days, huh?"

He blinks. "...Sure?"

Alright!

...I now have the urge to raid the dining hall for loot. Tamiko is asking for it.

I go to re-enter…

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. If the mayor kicked you out, she did it for a reason. Look, buddy, come back in like, a few days. She'll be calmed down with you by then, I'm sure." The man cautions me.

This bloody goodie-goodie…

"Alright, yo." I walk away from the door. "I'll take your word for it."

Also, she's the bloody mayor? Go figure…

...Although, while someone helpful is here…

"Got any tips for dealing with the fairies outside of the towns?"

He smiles. "Hit them."

Freakin' cheeky bugger…!

I need legit ranged weapons here, or I'm gonna get mowed down. Melee fighting isn't so great when you, y'know, can't fly. I also can't just keep blast jumping between towns or my legs will become one with the aether, which is probably not a good thing.

...I kinda gotta wait for him to leave to do any outdoor casing. Guess I'll just chat his ears off, then.

The sun's beginning to set a bit…

"How's night like up here?" Probably freezing as hell.

"Cold." He summarizes.

Thought so.

"You'll pretty much need to be in a house, 'cause you're human. For us, it's just very uncomfortable."

Pain.

"...What's this about you guys being 'technically' dead?" I inquire.

"...Well, we're supposed to be. The shinigami come around to reap our souls once every couple months or so, but we just fight them back. You're not wrong in wondering if we had AA turrets of some kind, haha!"

...Oh.

"...They used to come more, but it was kinda a waste of their resources considering they never got anyone. We've only lost like, two people in the past couple hundred years. I'd say that's pretty good."

...So they're basically exploiting a glitch in how mortality works. Shieut. I thought I was one haxy bastard myself, but that's kinda a whole new level of munchkin.

"Very few people are born celestials." He tells me. "Most of the time, it's a human who ascends, usually in spite of death. That's why the shinigami are so pissed. They only send small teams, though, so they're not hard to fight off with our combined strength. We got healers, ranged and melee guys… the works, y'know?"

Mmm… Sounds fun.

He gets up. "Well, it's getting to be about that time. I've gotta go do, uh, things. See ya."

The generic anime protagonist gets up and departs, heading for one of the generic purple brick structures and going inside.

Did I mention this place still has the NES graphics? That's probably not gonna change…

...With him gone and no one else looking, I go around the back of the dining hall place. It was pretty much a large church from the looks of things, but it seemed to function more like a mess hall. It also didn't have crosses plastered everywhere, which helped.

There seems to be a back door. Do they lock doors in heaven?

I walk up to the door, and open it.

Apparently not.

...The backroom seems to be a kitchen of some description. They've even got fridges in here- I think. They look like fridges.

...don't quote me on that.

Anyway…!

Really just nothing of worth in here, it seems. I open one of the 'fridges' to find a bunch of meat hung up on hooks, and no cold air.

...Wait, if there's meats in here, why the hell're we eating peaches? Speaking of peaches, there's a few barrels full of 'em in here.

...I take like, a few armsful of them. Surely no one will miss some heaven peaches.

At the edge of the room was a staircase. Do I dare to explore further?... I wanna see what's in the mess hall first.

I go through one of the doors to the mess hall, to see it empty. There's some fine china and things…

...I stash a few of the shinier plates. Hey, they'll probably sell good!

Holy hanger upgrades, where could you be? There're some plant hangers up here, but they're of the generic variety. I'd like to think I'm past collecting new equips unless they're worthwhile at this point, though…

...There's a basket of cross necklaces at the altar, reading "please take just one."

I take two. Hyonk.

I take the entire basket and pour it into my sack, leaving just a few behind. I take a peach out and put it in the basket, too, just to be a dick.

Hey, I might aswell have fun with it, right?

The wall over the altar reads "Sector XLVIII". Probably roman numerals for forty-eight, all things considered.

I see some candles, which are still lit. Isn't that kinda bad? I mean, the whole place is stone, but… you're wasting the candle!

Portraits of generic crap hang on the walls. Are pictures of plains even appropriate in a land of boundless sky?

While looking around for more stuff to plunder, I hear a door click behind me.

A woman sighs.

"How disappointing…"

Did she see me?

I freeze and turn around, watching her walk to the front door of the hall. She doesn't look towards me at all, so I'm gonna figure she hasn't.

While she gets busy with locking the front door, I creep as stealthily as I can towards the kitchen. From there, I go up the stairs…

At the top is a hall, leading to different rooms. I go straight to the back and to the left!

...Bedroom! Kinda cutting it close with that one, so~...

I try the right door instead.

...I dunno what this room is used for. A magical circle sits in the center, and some books and quills and stuff sit on a row of desks to the side.

Hmmm…

There's some lightly glowing paper talismans on the desk, all of which glow either a faint white or yellow.

Those are mine now, thank you…!

I hear the staircase get used…

...I hide under the desks. Please, no.

"...This door…"

She probably realized it wasn't always open.

She walks into the room, looking around.

Time to pray to the gods below that I don't get bamboozled!

I hear dusty shuffling, and a fluffle scurries up to me from behind me, presumably coming from the dust under the desks.

I shake my head at it.

"happy birthday!" It thunks its flank against my face. Freakin' tubby fluff.

Tamiko turns to me, and widens her eyes.

"Y-you…!?"

Well. Shieut.

"...Sandy fluffs." I gesture to the adorably dusty fluffle that was assaulting my face with its broadside.

"Waaaa~l!"

"W-what are you doing up here!? These are private quarters…!" Tamiko stomps up to me, and pulls me out from under the desk with one arm. The fluffle attaches itself to my face, and begins headbutting me.

"Finding a home, friend." I smile gingerly.

"Bullshit." Tamiko glares at me. "...Were you the one that emptied the necklace basket?"

Oh, dayum, she saw that? "...Necklaces? What're you, into arts and crafts up here?"

"...So you did." She sighed.

She saw through that!? How!?

"Look. Give them back, and I'll let you go. Today's been rough, alright?" She tiredly gazes at me, and throws me into the middle of the magic circle.

"Oof…"

Can I bullshit my way out of it? Maybe!

"Look, yo, I don't have 'em on me…"

She stomps towards me, "...We can do this the easy way…" and cracks her knuckles. "...or we can do this the hard way."

"Seriously, check me 'n' stuff. It won't be anywhere."

She lifts me by my legs, and shakes me.

"Woa-oa-oa-oa-oah!"

Thud. She drops me and I just barely shield my head.

"Jesus, you tryina' bash my skull in?"

She pounces on me and digs through my pockets, achieving little.

"...What's that?"

She rips my sack from my hands, and holds it upside down.

Rubber duckies fall from it, and she lifts it back up.

...She stares inside, and sees just a big mess of shit.

"...O-oh. Alright, then…"

She throws it back onto me.

"...Sorry, I guess." She picks me up and plants me on my feet. "Still, what are you even doing back here?"

The door was only recently locked, so y'know, yeah. "I just wandered in again, and I guess I missed you or something."

She nodded. "That'd be pretty hard, all things considered. What'd you wanna see me for, anyway?"

Think think think…! Why would I even be back here!? Looking for a bathroom or some shit?

Oh, hey.

"I was looking for a bathroom, actually. I thought I could use the one in here." I mean, I haven't taken a shit since this fanfic started. My bowls have probably transcended this mortal plane by now, but who wants to read about taking shits, anyway? With how fast I make days progress, you know how much of the fanfic would be just eating and shitting it out? Freakin', yo…

She nodded. "Ooo~h… I'm sorry, but we don't have any bathrooms up here."

Wot.

"...Celestials don't need to defecate." She explains.

Ah.

"...I could show you a tree outside, I-I guess." I can tell she's weirded herself out. Now it's awkward, and that's not a bad thing!

I put my hands up. "It's alright, I'll leave. I'll get outta here. I can just take a dump on someone's flowers."

She snorts, but grabs me by the back of my suspenders. "H-hey, don't go doing that, now. If I hear someone found something unsightly somewhere of relevance, well, let's just say you're going to have a long time to think about what you've done on your way back to Earth." Though the implication is deadly, she smiles as she says it.

Hyonk. "Don't worry yo, it's called a joke."

"I know, I know… but still." She defends her claim.

She looks down at the table, and notices something…

"...You took the magic talismans the students made, didn't you?"

Ah, fuck.

"...Maybe."

"I think we're going to have a problem."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat at a table in the corner of the mess hall, with Tamiko standing guard over me.

The door jiggles, but it's still locked.

"Oh, I forgot to-"

Bam! It flies open, the bar on the door snapping clean in half.

Tenshi walks in, sheathing her sword again. "What, now…? It's like, ten at night, and-"

She sees me.

"...Fu~ck." She facepalms.

Tamiko puts her hands at her hips. "Eldest daughter! That lock won't be easy to replace, you do realize?"

"All you mayors are the same. All you do is bitch and moan." Tenshi steps towards us. "Can't you ever sort out problems on your own?"

Tamiko huffs. "We do. It's just that we count on you for apprehension of criminals, and upholding of law, and-"

"Why the hell's Dad even got royal guards if I'm just gonna be the maid?" Tenshi complains. "Also, this is like, the only time there's ever been a normal human up here that couldn't go toe-to-toe with an army of you guys. Surely you could build like, a fucking table fort or something and have some of the do-nothings stand guard. I know you guys have enough tables."

Tamiko shakes her head. "Such unruliness… Is this what the royal family is like?"

Tenshi nods. "Yeah. Get used to it."

"...Just wait until I tell your father." Tamiko grins. "Then we'll see who gets the last laugh."

"S'what they all say." Tenshi rolls her eyes. "Make sure you go with fifty when you do it. I pissed them off today, too."

Tamiko's grin falters a bit.

I stand up from my chair. "I think it's time for me to hit the ol~... dusty trail, as it were."

"Sit down." Tamiko's voice rose.

"What'd he even do that you couldn't handle? At least tell me that." Tenshi idly stares into the air, looking very much like she didn't wanna be here.

"He stole talismans created for tutoring purposes, and I know not of where he put them. He stole necklaces, as well. The enchanted ones we use to-"

"Protect against shinigami. I'm a celestial, too, dumbass." Tenshi shoots back. I snort.

Tamiko shakes her head again. "The nerve…"

"Again, fort of tables or something. I mean… what am I supposed to do?" Tenshi inquires.

"Take him to the capital and have him tried, as per regulation." Tamiko's hands to go her hips. "Aren't you a celestial…?" She looked like she wanted to add 'dumbass' too, but relented.

"Yes, I'll bring every little human who so much as kicks a stump to the capital just to have a week long hearing about how, when, why, and if he even did it or not. Or, maybe I can save it for the one, genuine blue moon that one of us actually does something awful to one another." Tenshi rants. "While I'm at it, I might as well pour honey all over the courtroom floor. No one'll even notice because it's that slow."

Tamiko sighs. "I'm sorry you feel that way, eldest daughter, but it is simply the way things must be done. To break tradition is to welcome death, I'm certain you realize?"

How does that work?

Tenshi huffs. "Yeah, breaking the mold a little bit will definitely kill you. That's why I'm still alive now, isn't it? Shut up, file a complaint with my dad, and stop being stupid. I'm done here…"

She turns to leave… but stops, and looks at me. "You. You're coming with me, though. And no, I'm not taking you to court. Screw that."

She gestures for me to follow. "C'mon."

...Alright, yo.

I move to follow her, but Tamiko grabs my arm. "I cannot let you take the criminal if you're not-"

Bam!

Tenshi's Sword of Hisou's broadside meets Tamiko's face. Tamiko flies back into the stone wall.

Boom!

...She's fucking embedded in it. Ouch.

"...Let's go." Tenshi jogs to the door and proceeds outside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That guy wasn't kidding when he said it got cold! Holy…!

Shivering, I drew Flame Salvo, ran for a stump, and whacked it.

Fwoosh!

It went up in flames. Insta-bonfire!

"It's cold!" I protest the cold in this instance!

Tenshi walked up to the fire, grinning. "You get used to it." She was shivering herself.

Sure you do…

We sat aside one another at the stump bonfire.

"...So, what the hell is a human as weak as you doing up here? Did you piss someone off enough for them to just drop you off here, or what?"

I shake my head. "I made a rocket by building a box out of duct tape and then taping a rocket engine to the bottom. I rode it here."

Tenshi doesn't bother to comment, instead opting to just stare at me with an unreadable expression.

I decide to continue. "...Dunno if I should be telling you this, but I came to loot random crap to upgrade my plant hangers!"

"Plant hangers." She confirms.

"Plant hangers." I confirm. "My weapon of choice, yo."

She smiles. "Well, at least you're not some generic human villager like I thought you were. That would've been troublesome."

Woo…!

"...You're still debatably insane." She adds, taking a moment of consideration. "...And you're still just a wimpy human."

Daw…

"I also don't know why you wanted to come up here of all places. It's boring."

Well, when you're on the verge of getting gibbed by haughty cloud fairies, it doesn't really seem so boring anymore!

She looks at me more seriously. "...As fun as it would be to just let you dick around and cause mayhem up here, I'm sensing a pattern. You're going to get me called to literally every town on your warpath to the capital, and to be honest, all these towns suck."

Hyonk. She's probably right.

"...So instead, how about I just take you to the capital so you can do whatever it is you need to do there? The only reason I'm helping you is because we'd both have a really shitty time if I didn't."

Hmmm… So far I've only gotten a few things from heaven, for the most part. Necklaces, talismans, some guy's fancy candles…

...and peaches, but we don't talk about that.

"Sure. How's about we do it when it's not piss cold? 'Cause I'm a human who happens to freeze and stuff."

She sighs. "Fine, whatever. Where do you suppose we stay then?"

I point at the church behind us.

"I don't want to give her more to complain to my dad about." Tenshi folded her arms.

Well, shieut.

Idea.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Getting to the church of sector fifty is easy with people to carry you!

"Could your hair get any messier? That was annoying…" Tenshi complains about my poofy hair, which probably got in the way while she was carrying me.

To which I reply, "Yes."

I kick open the doors to the church of mister posh yellow-suited dude!

Bam!

"A-aah!" He jumped in surprise from the abrupt violence in the night! "W-what are you doing here!?"

"Crashing." I tell him.

I also just noticed this, but does this guy stand at the podium thing all day? Freakin' committed.

Tenshi walks in behind me.

"E-eldest daughter?" The fancy man blinks in further exasperation.

"We're staying the night. No, you can't protest. Royal orders or something."

...I think we broke him, because he stopped moving after that. He kept blinking, though, so we didn't kill him!

I lie down on one of the rows. "There's also a fluffle infestation." I add. "They're soft, and make soft coos."

The fluffles begin cooing on cue.

Tenshi looks around, slightly curious. "Fluffles…?"

She sees one.

"Oh, the dust wombats."

Dust wombats. Sounds soft…

She lies down some other bench row thing.

"Night."

Good night to you too, yo.

These things are freakin' uncomfortable…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I get up pretty quickly 'cause this freakin' bench sucks…

Posh yellow man is polishing his glasses at the podium, looking dissatisfied with life as always.

"I see that you are awake." He observes.

Yo ho ho, dude must have twenty/twenty vision or somethin'. That's why he's always polishing those glasses instead of wearing them!

Looking over at Tenshi, I see that she's still asleep, drooling on the bench.

...Slowly walking towards her, I take out a rubber duckie and put it on her head.

"I would advise that you did not disrespect the-"

"Ah, shut up, ya yellow-coated yellow-bellied… yellow." If this sentence had come out of anyone else's mouth, I'd'ave thought them drunk!

The guy lowers his head. "It is too early in the morning for me to deal with your sheer incompetence, earth child. Do make haste."

Make haste, huh? Oh, I'll make haste, alright.

I walk up to him. "Well, how do you make haste? What is haste?"

...He stares at me blankly. "You're joking, right?"

Yes. "No, dude, like… I keep hearing about this 'haste' thing. Is it really so great? Do I like, spread it on bread, or what?"

"Were I not a celestial, I would be performing barbaric actions right now." Posh man facepalms. "A person like you seems to be what it takes to bring out my more… primal urges."

Woah, no. "Dude, calm your hormones. I don't want your freakin' galactic sperm everywhere."

Posh man seethes silently, glaring at me hatefully. I think that's about all the entertainment I'll get out of him. There's only so many times you can make an overactive person react until it gets boring, and considering he's apparently forced to not lash out or something, he's just going to be redundant.

...Tenshi's still asleep!

I walk up to her, and begin stacking more ducks on her…

...After awhile, she rolls over and they slide between her and the seat's back bit. Now I've gone did done diddly done it!

…I also stare at some things I shouldn't be. Maybe I need to calm my hormones…

"E-ehn…"

She's stirring! Quick, look at, uh…

Some fluffles scurry by!

Look at the fluffles!

I drop to the floor and crawl after it, and end up under the bench thing. Grabbing for the fluffle, I manage to grab it…

"honh" It was surprised!

...My rump was apparently going apeshit as I did so, because the bench was tipping over!

I forcefully move and roll myself out of the way of the back part of the bench, ending up halfway under the one behind it and tipping that one over, too. Tenshi rolls off the other bench and stops next to me, although due to our misaligned position, I end up with my face in her stomach.

...She smells like peaches, apparently. This whole freakin' place smelled like peaches, but it was kinda hard to tell because of the various winds. It's not as windy as you'd think, being a thousand feet in the fuckin' air, but it's still been pretty windy.

Tenshi opens her eyes, and looks down- well, technically down, anyway. "...What are you doing?"

Daa~h… "...Admiring the scent of peaches?"

...The fluffle breaks from my grasp and crawls up her.

"No."

She nimbly lifts her leg, and uses it to push me away.

I tried, yo.

Tenshi got up, and put her hat back on. "All it took was one night for you to get grabby? Even the suitors who've tried me all gave it at least two."

I could explain, but the amount of explanation needed's just not worth it, yo. "Son, my hormones are out of control! I am a lean, mean, sexing machine!"

"Or a virgin." Tenshi adds smugly.

"Or that!" Trust me, with mast- y'know maybe I shouldn't talk about that here. It's a family presentation!

Sorta!

"Anyway, let's go." She lifts me under my arms, and we begin flying.

"Yo, already!?" I need to warm up! It's cold outside!

"Yes. We're not going to sit around and waste time." Tenshi claimed resolutely.

Freakin'...

The posh yellow man watched us leave. "About time. They even tarnished my beautiful church!"

He moved to re-arrange the displaced row benches, when fluffles scurried out and got everything dusty.

"...That brat lied about the candles, too! Gaa~h!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stopped on some deserted sky island of large size. We've flown over multiple towns at this point, and I'm hella wind-chilled…

This sky island had no developments and was off the beaten path of sky islands, it seems.

Tenshi drops me off on the barren sky island, and lands on it herself a few feet in front of me. "...You said your weapon of choice was plant hangers, right?"

Uh? "Yea~h…?"

She pulls one of the generic stone plant hangers from behind her back, and tosses it to me.

Purple stone, huh.

"Were you lying, or was that the truth?" Tenshi props her arms at her sides.

"...It's the truth, I'd say." I get into a combat stance! "Smashing stuff's what I do best!"

Tenshi unsheathes her Sword of Hisou, and takes a guarding stance. "Strike my blade. Show me what you've got."

Oh, boy!

I run at her, and strike the sword.

Clang! Clang! Cla~ng!

"...Are you even trying?" Tenshi frowns. "Is that all you've got?"

Clang! Cla~ng! Clang!

"I hardly even feel it in my arm. Are all humans really this weak? I don't recall that miko being this weak…" Tenshi looks disinterested.

I toss away the stone hanger. "That's it, yo, this calls for heavier firepower!"

I take out Quake Bloomer.

Tenshi's eyes light up in curiosity again. "Oh? Where'd that come from?"

"My ass." I inform her. "It happens to be a black hole where I can just stuff shit in."

I buff myself magically, increasing my attack!

Tenshi snorts. "...That's nice."

I run at her, ready to strike the blade.

Cla~ng! Cla~ng! Cla~ng!

Her arm jerks visibly from each strike, but that's it.

"...Well, I feel those ones at least. You're finally putting punching power into your strikes. Actually…"

She holds out her arm. "Punch my arm."

... I do so, with buffs!

"...Was that it?" Tenshi blinks. "Humans really are something pitiful, aren't they? I bet the local phantoms would hit me harder, not that they could…"

You want freakin' hard hits?

I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Get a load of this!"

She guards again with her sword, and I throw it at it.

Cla-Boom!

It slides across the floor, returning to me.

"...Interesting. Probably the hardest thing you hit me with yet, but it didn't even break my guard. What a lame explosion…"

The hell do you want from me, woman!?

Actually…

Pocketing Quake Bloomer, I pull out the Market Gardener, and lift the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber with my free hand.

"You better guard well, because this one's gonna hurt like hell!" I tell her.

She smirks. "You know what? I'll let this one hit me." She turns around and sticks her back out, parting her hair to the front of her. "My back's been a little sore lately. Give it your best shot."

...I test the waters by just walking up to her and whacking her in the back.

Thunk!

"...That better not have been it, because it feels like I just got hit by a pillow." Tenshi is very dissatisfied.

"Hold on, yo. Let me plot the trajectory and things…"

"What?"

Walking back, I ready myself to strike the ground…

She turns around. "You know what, just-"

Jump, crouch, and-

Boom!

I fly through the air, and her eyes widen. She watches me soar through the air towards her, and she turns back around as I near, getting into position again.

Nearing the ground, I bring the Market Gardener right down on her spine.

Bam!

"O-ooaah..." Tenshi moans, her hands shooting up in surprise.

"That one wasn't half bad." She admits. "The setup was unnecessary, though. Just hit things that hard every time, and you'll be fine."

Friend, you're right, but there's no way I can get constant guaranteed crits like that. It took a freakin' market gardener hit just to make you mildly satisfied.

"Alright, now do it again." She instructs me.

I shake my head. "Those explosions hurt my legs, yo, and if I miss you I can't take out the momentum on your back and I'll end up just crashing to the floor."

She looks to me in exasperation. "Are you really that flimsy?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

"Bullshit." She goes to punch me in the chest.

Bam!

Holy fuck!

I get flung across the island from one fucking punch. That's gonna leave a bruise tomorrow, I'm sure of it…

Her eyes widen. "...Are you made of feathers and silk?"

Ugh… "No, I'm just not made of rocks like you."

A group of cloud fairies floats around nearby, giggling about something amongst themselves. How do they even have fun up here? It's just a buncha freakin' clouds!

Tenshi looks towards them. "...I have an idea."

Oh, boy…

She runs to the edge of the island, and cups her hands to shout at them. "Hey! Dumbasses! Get the fuck over here!"

...The fairies begin firing floaty string of danmaku. They spread out and flutter around in the air like bursts of wind or helicopter seeds.

Tenshi performs a great leap to the other side of the sky island- over me, leaving me in the fairy's way.

"Fight them." Tenshi commands.

I turn to her. "What'm I supposed to do!? What if I fall?"

"Beat them up! I'll just catch you if you fall, so go crazy." She assures me. "I'll just stand here."

Five cloud fairies hover overhead. "We'll get her today!"

"Stupid celestial!"

"How improper of her…"

"She's ours this time!"

"Well, if you guys think we have it…"

Considering there's so many of them, and they're all real high in the air, I'm gonna have to call for a little backup…!

I draw the operating cross.

"London, get over here and kill some freakin' fairies!"

I feel like, a fourth of my mana go into the cross…

London whirls in from somewhere below the platform, clad in her plated armor!

So, good new is that London's gonna kick some ass!

Bad news is that I'm now the main target!

Danmaku death rains from above, although they're firing aimed-ish shots so I can run without too many hiccups…

Three of them break to approach me, and two notice London as it rockets towards them…

"How improper is that!?" One of the cloud fairies points at London.

"I-I don't know… Pretty improper, I guess…"

London fires her signature yellow diamond danmaku, in a diamond pattern.

Pi~chun!

The remaining cloud fairy huffs. "You're so improper!"

She orbits London slowly, focusing fire on her with floaty cloud orbs. They ping uselessly against London's armor.

Now I gotta pay attention to the ones approaching me…!

Stuffing the Market Gardener into my bag, I take out Flame Salvo in turn.

"Come get some!"

Fwoosh!

The fairies are taken aback by the sudden burst of flames, but they still stay kinda high. Freakin'...

I aim the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber at them, and fire the weak lemon pellets of danmaku.

They glide through the air slowly, and the fairies make half-hearted dodging attempts. A few of them even hit them, and they don't seem to acknowledge them.

"What is this good for!?" Freakin' only good for muzzle-flashes in the dark of night!

I look over to London, and see that she's pretty much in a stalemate with that other fairy. London's too slow to hit her, and she's not powerful enough to do anything about London's armor. I suppose I'll just let that persist.

Damn… what can I do here? What weapons do I have…

This is a long shot, but…

I switch out the Bawmber for the holy hanger. "You guys mind the sun?"

One of them blows a raspberry at me, and the other stares at her in vague amusement and disappointment.

"Well, prepare to mind it now!"

I hold it up, and channel mana into it.

Flash!

"A-aaah~!" The fairies scream in surprise. London's operations gum up for a moment, oddly, and the fairy fighting her is blinded, too.

Tenshi blinks. "...What was that? Are you casting healing spells on them…?"

Healing? What?

In any case, the fairies flutter around in the air haphazardly. I run to the far side of the sky island, and aim Flame Salvo off the ledge…

Fwoo~m!

...The fairies follow the sound, hovering down to the ground a little closer.

Haha!

I run towards them, the grass muffling the sound of my feet. I double jump towards one…

Fwoo~m!

"W-what!? No, no, no!" The fairy starts burning, flailing her limbs.

The other fairies begin regaining their vision…

"...D-dopple-chan! Do the cloud thing! Hurry!"

"I thought her name was Mara-chan…?"

The two stare at eachother in confusion. Good job.

Pi~chun!

They wince, staring at where their friend once was. "Da~mn, Mara-chan… Shoulda used a wind shield..."

"She's Dopple-chan." The other one corrects.

"Sure, whatever."

I shake my fist at them. "Damn fairies! Get off my lawn!"

The two remaining ones glare at me. "It's not your lawn!"

"It's our lawn!"

"Then get down here and fight me on it! Mano-e-mano!"

The two float down on the ground. I ready to fire with Flame Salvo-

Tenshi rips it from my hand. Where'd she come from!? "You said mano-e-mano. That means fists."

Tenshi, please.

"Same goes to you two. Whoever cheats gets their arms ripped off."

The fairies pale.

...She takes my sack and my Bawmber while she's at it. "You get these back if you win."

If I win, huh? Freakin'...

She steps backs. "No flying, no danmaku, no magic powers. Fists. You can kick and stuff, too, just nothing unnatural."

The two fairies practice a couple punches, and gaze at me determinedly.

It's a good thing I'm really good at kicking things!

They begin approaching me. Neither of us know how to fist fight very well! However, I have seen one thing they have not… and that is movies! I've also played Punch-Out on the Wii!

...They're also really short, so uh… yeah.

"Get 'em, Mara-chan!" The other fairy shoves her friend forward.

"M-my name's not Mara-chan, either, you idiot!" She keeps her eyes on me as I approach…

She punches at me, and I lift my leg and kick her in the face.

"Ack-..."

Thud.

She landed on the floor. Her friend stepped back.

"Da~mn, Mara-chan… Shoulda used a wind shield…"

I glance at her. "Those're illegal, friend."

"...Shoulda rolled." She criticized anyway.

I walk up to 'Mara-chan the second' and gaze down at her.

She looks up at me fearfully. "N-no! I'm sorry! I'll go away! I'll go!"

She gets up and starts flying away…

The whole island rumbles as Tenshi stomps the floor. A large stone shoots from the ground, and she slaps it with her Sword of Hisou.

Bam!

The stone flies straight for the retreating fairy.

Pi~chun!

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go." The final fairy decides. She makes for the ledge, but glances back at me. "I'll be back, human. I will find you… and I will tickle you."

Giggling, she leaps off the ledge, not using her flying to help her as she simply falls from the island, technically not cheating in doing so.

That doesn't stop Tenshi from charging to the ledge, and leaping off after her to finish the job, sword raised in the air like she was gonna stab her in the freakin' heart.

Pi~chun!

London won the battle against that other fairy!

I hold up the cross, and point into the sky somewhere. "Flee, London. Before the crazy lady comes back!"

I order London to go to 'somewhere in fucking outer space.' She does so!

I watch her fly off into the aether…

Tenshi floats back up, and lands on the platform. "...Okay, I'll be honest, that was depressing."

Hyonk.

"...But. It was pretty fun to watch, I guess." Tenshi nodded to herself. "...What was that thing you summoned? It looked like one of those puppeteer's dolls…"

I nod. "That's 'cause it is, yo. Alice lent it to me awhile ago, testing purposes."

She nods. "Ah, I see. Do you think she'd give me one?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"I'll have to ask her for one later, then." She decides.

Good luck, friend.

"...Well, this was fun. Are you sure you want to go to the capital? I'll be honest with you: it sucks. Chances are that if I'm not with you the entire time, they're going to arrest you for looking at an expensive wall funny. Everyone's a stiff, too."

Hmmm… "Well, one of my main reasons for coming up here was crafting supplies for my weapons… which I need back, by the way."

Tenshi blinks. "Oh, right…"

...She reaches into my sack, digging around. "What've you got in here, anyway?"

...Clutching something big, she pulls out the hydro cannon I nicked off of Stormy.

"Woaa~h! Where'd you find this!?" She aims it into the sky.

Fwuuu~sh! She uses it to shoot a huge beam of water into the air. "This is awesome!"

"I stole it off the Titanic's other brother." I summarize that entire endeavor.

Fwuuu~sh!

"Oh, ho ho! Yee~s…"

Fwuuuu~sh!

"Why didn't you use this?"

Fwuuu~sh!

"Mana and physical reasons." I add. Considering the recoil's pushing her body back…

"Pfft. You're such a wimp…"

...She puts the hydro cannon down, clumsily trying to get it back into the bag. "What's your name, anyway?"

It's time to give my name!

"Brad. Brad… just Brad." No need to tell her my last name, I guess. I might as well pretend I don't have one at this point.

She smiles. "Tenshi Hinanawi. I take it you know about celestials and all that crap?"

I nod. "Yeah. I had more questions, but I've forgot them." Help, no.

She shrugs. "Well, you can just ask them as they come, I guess."

...An additional figure floats up to the platform.

"Eldest daughter?"

We turn and see Iku Nagae!

Oarfishes are cuddly, and Iku's costume is fluffy.

Tenshi groans.

I walk towards her casually. "Hello, cuddle friend. Hug."

...Iku slowly drifts around me to get to Tenshi. "Your presence is requested at the capital."

Tenshi's face scrunches. "...For what reason?"

"Your father wishes for you to explain your conduct in sectors forty-nine, forty-eight, and fifty." Iku informs her. "I've been tasked with bringing you back."

Tenshi sighs. "What if I don't?"

"I'll have to follow you until you do, then." Iku decides. "To uphold my duty… and also because I haven't the authority to punish you."

Tenshi turns to me, grinning. "...Do you think you found enough crap up here?"

I got some things and got to see some stuff, yeah. Necklaces, talismans, peaches, and some dude's freakin' candles. I think I could work with that stuff…

"Yeah, I think that's good enough." I nod.

Tenshi lifts me by my underarms, and we begin floating somewhere, Iku following us.

"...That is not the way to the capital, eldest daughter." Iku dejectedly tells her.

"Too bad."

...I dunno where we're flying off to, either, but we seem to be going down.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We land in front of the Hakurei Shrine, Tenshi setting me down before landing herself. Glancing around, I'm able to observe that it is late dusk. The land and horizon around us are a nice, dark blue...

She quickly whispers into my ear. "Waste as much time as you possibly can. It'll be official royal business."

I grin. "You bet your peaches it will!"

Iku stares at me. "...I'm sure you must realize-"

"Royal business, buddy." I fold my arms. "This is an important matter and uh… stuff. Yeah." Hyonk!

Iku frowns. "...Fine. I see how it is…" She narrows her eyes at Tenshi.

Tenshi begins to go towards the shrine proper, but I divert and go to the side. "Ey, over here."

She glances at me questioningly, and we go around to the side of the building, finding my box of duct tape and a char mark on the ground where my rocket took off. By the way, I pocketed the entirety of that rocket. Only problem is that it's missing a lot of tape and, uh… I'd probably need to rebuild the hull entirely to do that again. At least it's just the hull; all the other crap was pretty problematic to gather, too.

"This is where my rocket to heaven took off, yo."

Tenshi nodded. "So that really is how you got up there, huh…?"

I walk over to the box of duct tape, and pull it out. "We're gonna tape some ducks, yo…"

Stealing Marisa's joke since nineteen ninety-eight! Not like they get it anyway, not knowing what duct tape is and all…

I pull it out, and, hmm…

Putting it back in, I.. hmm, I dunno how to do this…

Oh, I know. I take a few rolls, and go in through the side door.

Reimu looks up from her kotatsu. She stares at me a few moments, then her eyes widen in surprise.

"How? How did you go to heaven and come back that quickly? You can't even fly..."

Tenshi walks in behind me.

"...Oh." Reimu is suddenly disinterested. "Her. Somehow."

Iku files in behind Tenshi…

"I won't even ask. If something breaks, though, there'll be hell to pay." Reimu states simply. "That goes double for you, Tenshi." After she says this, I take a moment to notice Reimu had duct-taped the many holes in the shrine my last battle produced.

Tenshi scowls at Reimu, but I continue forward to the kitchen quickly in an attempt to make her hold her comment…

"Oh, please, Hakurei. You still think a human like yourself could match up to the majesty of a celestial like me?" Tenshi smiles condescendingly.

Reimu stares at her tiredly. "Do you want to get beat up?"

Iku stares at Tenshi worriedly. "Eldest daughter, please…"

"I should be asking you that question, Hakurei." Tenshi smirks. "Do you want to get beat up?"

Reimu looks up sharply. "Five cards."

"Very well."

They float outside.

I hum a little funeral tune, and Iku stares at me with distaste. "...I have a feeling this is your fault."

I shrug.

"The family of the eldest daughter will be very displeased with you, you know." Iku informs me. "It will be an unpleasant time to be sure."

I grin at her. "Just tell 'em Rusty Shackleford's the name." Probably won't be able to track me down if they follow that weird name!

"Very well." Iku nods. "That had best be your real name… or the one who'll track you down is me."

Note to self: if see Iku again, run the fuck away and hope you can get someone to aggro on her. "No sweat." I give her a thumbs up!

Danmaku violence roars outside!

I walk into the kitchen. In there, the table has been placed back in its proper position.

...I place my duct tape on the table, only to notice Reimu apparently has a stack of rolls on the counter now. No wonder the box seemed a little more shallow…

Iku meanders off to observe the duel. It is time for me… to upgrade!

Stuff to work with:

Holy: Cross necklace basket, holy talismans, and that guy's candles.

Electric: Electric talismans.

Ice: Sapphire.

Where do I allocate these parts, hmm?...

I think I'll put the crosses and candles o~n…

The holy hanger, It's about time the bloody thing got upgraded! Considering how much of a boon holy spells seem to be, I think I'd like some more of them.

The sapphire I got earlier can go…

... on Quake Bloomer. I don't wanna mess with the elemental balances of other weapons. Ice and earth go together well enough, methinks.

Electricity's a weird one that I'll have to think about. Nyehh…

As for the last holy talismans, that's another weird one. Holy's a rather powerful element, and I wouldn't wanna wind up with something holy that shouldn't be. I might just hang onto these extra talismans until I know what I wanna do wit 'em...

...I'm kinda curious what'd happen if I slapped holy on Sharper Than Darkness, though. We must cross the streams!

Pulling out Quake Bloomer, I set it down on the table. The sunflower on it seems like, crystallized or something. No wonder it hasn't died yet… it's already dead, just in a magical way! I stuff the sapphire into the center…

The flower turns blue. Is it even a sunflower anymore?

...I wonder what spells that gave me, anyway. I need to go to a fluffle stand and get all my upgraded gear appraised. Praise the appraisals!

...I hold the hanger in a way so that the flower's upside down. The sapphire's not falling out, so I assume it stayed. That was easier than I had anticipated.

Now for the holy hanger, which will not be anywhere near this easy!

Candles and cross necklaces, yo. How do do…

...I try to rip one of the cross necklaces apart, but it glows a faint magenta when I try. Is it stopping me? However, there is a connector at the back, two gold bit things. Fiddling with it, I manage to disconnect the necklace without breaking it into a million pieces. Hmm…

Wait...

I grab the duct tape.

"I know exactly what I'm doing with this…!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I had about twenty necklaces or so to work with! I think!

For the most part, I unconnected all of them- the proper way, mind you- and like, connected the connectors to the connectors of other necklaces. Once I got to the holy hanger itself, I just wrapped the final necklace around the base and lathered it with duct tape. I then also taped two of the four or so candles I had along the ways of the necklace chain of sorts.

...Holding the chain by the taped-on candles, I swung the hanger around like a flail…

Yo ho ho…!

I sat down the hanger on the counter, and proceeded to tape the other candles to the sides of the hanger…

It has become…

...What the hell do I call this, anyway? I'm thinking of 'Vampire Killer', but I doubt this thing could kill vampires… or even youkai. That, and it's pretty on the nose, innit? Not that that's a bad thing, bu~t we could afford some originality…

...Youkai Inconveniencer. Because that's all this thing really is! It's a freakin' mild detriment to whatever they're trying to do, which is probably eat my guts and stuff.

...I flail it around a bit for funsies, but stop when I almost clip the kitchen table. Eheh…

The hammer hanger I shall now call Tundra Bloomer. Tundra because that's kinda related to ground and stuff but still icy… and bloomer is for obvious reasons.

I stash the rest of my upgrades in my bag. I might have some uses for those later…

The door leading to the outside is thrown open, and Tenshi flops in, landing on the floor.

"A-ah…"

I hear the other door open, and Reimu walks into the shrine proper. "Honestly… How did you think that was going to go?"

"Uurgh…" Tenshi groaned from the kitchen floor, though I don't think Reimu can hear her in the other room.

Reimu sits at her kotatsu again, looking in at me.

Iku hovers in over Tenshi. "...Well, eldest daughter, I suppose I should be bringing you back, now."

I point at her. "There is one fatal flaw in your plan, however!"

Iku stares at me. "Your interference is unnecessary. Whatever you're planning, I can tell you that it will not work on me."

Time to find out if Youkai Inconveniencer has any new tricks…!

I hold the hanger itself, and channel some mana into it- but the one thing I don't wanna make it do is just flash at her. Maybe if I focus my mana on the candle bases…

...The candles light up. Not with fire, but rays of light.

Iku blinks. "...Those couldn't blind even the darkest of youkai, I'm afraid. You'd have better use in navigating your own closet with it."

I have an actual efficient flashlight now! I guess that's okay.

...I begin swinging it like a flail. "It is, however, a blunt weapon! I can still-"

Zap!

Iku shoots a small bolt of lightning at me, but it strikes the hanger instead and fizzles out.

"Annoying…" She charges her hand again, firing a stronger bolt. I get the idea and aim the hanger in the way, but this bolt's too strong to be negated.

Zhap!

"Woah!"

I fly across the room and land on the floor.

Reimu bolts up from her kotatsu. "Hey, hey, hey! None of that in here! Knock it off!"

She charges in, and Iku glares at her. "I am simply retrieving the eldest daughter, Hakurei. This human was merely in the way."

Reimu pointed her gohei at her. "I don't care, now. No fighting in the shrine, that goes for the both of you. This place doesn't need more unsightly grey patches."

"I'll remember that." Iku nods, going to pick up Tenshi…

"Where do you think you're going with her, anyway?" Reimu folded her arms.

"...Surely you know that I am one of the messengers that must deal with the Hinanawi clan. As my clients, they expect me to maintain certain formalities and standards. I've received a unique task of keeping watch over the eldest daughter, so I hope you would not mind to let me do what is simply my job."

Reimu folded her arms. "...So I'm supposed to let you leave my shrine with a semi-unconscious person and trust that you're not going to do anything bad with her?"

Iku groaned. "Hakurei, need I restate that-"

Tenshi's hand shoots up from the floor.

"...It's too late, now." Iku hangs her head.

"Aa~hh…" Tenshi does some stretches. "...Not a bad showing Reimu. I mean, Hakurei."

Reimu grinned. "Well, now that she's awake, I suppose you'll just have to talk to her yourself, then."

With that, Reimu goes back to her kotatsu to resume relaxing.

...I swing around the holy flail! "Yeaa~h! Thirty chapters in and I finally have a bloody proper flail!"

A gap opens up, and Yukari hangs out. "Honestly…"

I glance at her. "Do we need to break out the tiny hammer again?"

She shakes her head. "With how often you damage the wall, I'm running out of ideas, to be honest with you. I'm also unhappy with that deal you struck with my shikigami… but I suppose I cannot retract the negotiations that proceeded."

...Tenshi and Iku stare at her. Yukari notices them, and stares back.

...Yukari looks back at me. "...Must you always hang out with the wrong crowd?"

I nod. "They're fluffy, yo."

Yukari sighs, and holds up a gloved hand. "You see this?" She opens and closes her hand delicately and deliberately.

Uhh…? "Yeah?"

With surprising speed, she slaps me, sending me sprawling. When I look up from the floor, she's gone.

Tenshi blinks. "...Didn't expect to see her here. You know her?"

I bob my head back and forth. "Daa~h… I guess so. Involuntarily."

I yawn…

Looking into the main room, I tell Reimu of my sleeping plans. "Hey, Reimu, can I use your futon?"

"Wha-... no." Reimu stares at me.

"Can I sleep in your clothes drawers, then?"

"No!" She's glaring, now!

"Can I sleep on the kitchen table, then?"

"N-...Under the kitchen table. I eat there, you know." Reimu huffs.

Score! Better than under the rafters with Suika!

Tenshi folds her arms. "Where'll I sleep, then?"

Reimu doesn't even look at her. "You're not. Just get out and fly home, or something. You can share underneath the kitchen table if you feel like it, though. Or the porch outside." Reimu grins.

Tenshi folds her arms. "Do you take me for some cur?"

"Yes." Reimu nods bluntly.

"...W-well, I'm not!" Tenshi glares at her. "Come, Iku… We are to find our own sleeping arrangements."

"Eldest daughter, we really should be going-"

"No."

Iku sighs.

With that, the two leave.

...I get cozy underneath the kitchen table. "G'night, yo!"

Reimu blinks. "You're actually sleeping down there?"

Pfffft. "I've had worse, friend. I've had far worse." Nothing like the hardwood floor to give your back a fuckin' brusin'!

"...Alright, then." Reimu doesn't protest my decision. She goes back to sit at her kotatsu, probably to be awake awhile longer.

Time for sleepy sleeps, friends…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 30

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

Tenshi Hinanawi, the Girl of the Sphere of Neither Perception nor Non-Perception - Royal celestial. Akin to me, is a roving womanchild, except I am a manchild! Healed by holy attacks, and presumably crippled by dark attacks. Lots of elemental resistance and physical resistance, and stamina. Cannot be slain by mortal means and bodily injuries are super uncommon. Her favorite element is typically Earth, it seems, but I also assume she's got a repertoire of holy and elemental spells.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sword of Hisou - Legendary, ethereal blade that, in its unsealed state, has no corporeal form. It gives the wielder the Scan ability, revealing their weaknesses and resistances. It can change the weather to suit the weaknesses of her foes. It can also use a nigh-undodgeable attack that applies the 'seal of the sword' to a target, inflicting them with massive elemental damage that is the same as the moment's weather. Tenshi can use it to make giant fuck-you lasers of the non-elemental and grievously harmful variety. Also can grant super-armor to the wielder because y'know, celestials need more defense. Might drain mana on physical attack. Can strike ghosts. Only wieldable by celestials, seemingly unliftable and unsummonable by those of mortal and non-divine nature. In short: fucking powerful.

Iku Nagae, the Beautiful Scarlet Cloth - Oarfish youkai with an affinity for electric and wind spells. Is the dragon palace messenger… whatever a dragon palace is. Seems uptight, but it also seems like she's got a pretty stressful job.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Her beautiful scarlet fluff'n'stuffs!

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

fun times friend ahead

finally got some MORE UPGRADES TO MY LOOT, but i still need personal castable spells

a flashlight! woo~!