(in which we accidentally get slipped some Viagra)
I awaken with a slightly sore throat… that's what I get for sleeping on the freakin' dusty floor.
"Ugh…"
I try to sit up, only to find Ha-chan sprawled out on me, too.
"...Maau~..."
Even though her face was nowhere near mine, chemical breath. Life sucks sometimes, yo.
Sitting up, I wiggle Ha-chan off me and crawl towards the sink. Using the counter to clamber up, I realize once again the sink is not, infact, a sink. It's still just an indent in the counter that can drain water…
The bastards! They planned this! It was all part of their plan!
"Waaa~u…" I wail, sitting back down, defeated.
Ha-chan is up and about and things! "...Brad-kun?"
Hi, world. "H-hello." Voice is dead. Time to bury it out back with the turtle, yo.
"Hello!" Ha-chan cheers, moving to glomp me, assisted by the power of flying so that she never needed to even stand up to do so.
Oof!
"I missed you so much! Where were you? I was trying to find you, and I got blown up, and- and now I found you!" She rubs her face up against mine like a freakin' cat.
Arousal rising! Abort, abort! "H-help, Reimu! I've fallen and I can't get up! I'm being molestima~gated!"
...Reimu slides the door open from the kotatsu room, apparently awake sooner than I, but she just slides it back shut after she sees what's happening.
Actually, my strained voice gives me an idea… "Ha-chan, my throat is going!"
She tilts her head. "Where?"
"Hell," I summarize, "I'm catchin' a cold, yo. I need you to hunt down some medicine for throats 'n' things…"
She cups her mouth with her hands. "Oh, no! I'll find you some medicine!"
She gets up, and opens random cabinets. Unfortunately, most of them have nothing but space and stuffy air, the shrine having just been rebuilt afterall. Where's a handy rafter elixir when you need it?
Standing groggily, I stretch my arms a bit… I think I might be really catching a cold. Pain.
"Go to the forest of the bamboo, find the insane asylum, beat the crap outta every single loonie, and get me some cold medicine, friend." I instruct her!
Ha-chan stops searching through the random empty cabinets and shelves, and turns to salute me. "Aye aye, Brad-kun!"
With that, she rushes out through the shrine's main room, running past Reimu.
...I go to the kotatsu, and sit down at it. "Freakin' fluffy…"
She stares at me. "Who said you could stay here?"
"Me. I'm comin' down with a cold, yo, so you gotta protect me from angry gods and shit. Make sure my skull stays inside my head, and stuff."
Tenshi took this moment to enter!
"I return for my escort, Hakurei!" Tenshi boasts as she enters the room, Iku following glumly behind her.
Should I follow her…? I kinda forgot she existed until now, morning excitement and all. Ah, whatever… Ha-chan'll find me anyway.
I get up to 'escort' Tenshi. "Let us go, burliest daughter!"
"Eldest daughter." Iku corrects.
Reimu narrows her eyes at me. "I thought you said you had a cold…"
I nod. "I do, but… yeah. Life. If I die, yo, I die. It's a cruel world."
Reimu snorts. "Alright, then."
Rising from the kotatsu, I approach Tenshi.
"Let us travel, daughterest daughter. We shall besiege the noobs!" I muster enthusiasm as we continue towards the door.
"...Sure." Tenshi stares at me in confused curiosity while Iku grows increasingly disappointed.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
After a wordless trek down the great Hakurei steps of pain and foot trauma, Tenshi strikes up conversation on the path to the human village.
"What's it like?"
"Well, 'it' is like, a state of being, a fung-shui or whatever the hell. Whaddaya mean, 'what's it like'?"
"Having a cold?" Tenshi elaborates.
…
"Pain." I summarize. "Poison. Evisceration. Decimation… It's like gettin' your head lopped off 'n' mounted on a pike! Aaa~h, aaa~h!"
…
"Hmph. Celestials can't catch colds…" Tenshi folds her arms, seemingly pouting.
I snort. "S'dat a bad thing?"
"...I guess. It sounds fun- not like I'd want it, or anything, I think." She takes her sentence to a million different places!
...It sounds fun. Alright, yo, have it your way…
We near the village gates!
The guard narrows his eyes as the three of us approach. "...Sir, might I ask why you've brought filthy youkai to our walls?"
Tenshi glares at him. "I am a celestial, I'll have you know."
The guard chuckles. "Hah! Sure, sure… Is he one, too? How about that one over there?" He points at Iku. "Last time we seen a celestial 'round here was in more peaceful times. We can't take no chances now, not on some whelp like yourself."
Tenshi grits her teeth. "Now listen here, human peasant…!"
Iku tries to grab her arm. "Eldest daughter, please, I-"
Tenshi breaks her arm from her hold with ease. "No, I'm giving this commoner a piece of my mind!"
Honestly, I wouldn't'ave thought her the type to call people peasants and commoners.
She props her arms at her hips. "I'd like to speak to your manager!"
The guard freezes. "...Is that a threat?"
"Yes." Tenshi bluntly agrees.
"...So you're committing…" He grins. Shakily, he reaches for his waist…
"...I said yes already." Tenshi flatly replies.
"Die, damned youkai!"
He draws the sword he totally didn't spend like a minute shakily reaching for, jabbing it into Tenshi's gut.
...
...Nevermind that last part. It kinda just awkwardly poked her instead.
Tenshi looked down at the sword, and blushed. "Y-you cut a hole in my shirt! This was made specifically for me, too!"
The guard blinked, stepping back. "N-no way… What the hell kind of youkai are you…?"
Dude, she's a fookin' celestial! Take a hint!
Stomping up to the guard, she reached for his shirt. Dropping his sword, he flailed his limbs at her, striking her face uselessly multiple times.
"Screw you!" Tenshi exerts her rage!
Spinning around, she becomes a colorful whirl as she prepares to throw the guard. Soon enough, she lets go.
"Huuaaa~...!"
The guard's scream fades as quickly as it began as he flew into the horizon, never to be seen again.
Sweet Jesus fuck.
Tenshi claps her hands together. "We need to find their manager. This is unacceptable. Simply disrespectful."
Iku puts an arm on her shoulder. "We need not cause unbidden strife, eldest daughter."
Tenshi grins. "Iku, find their manager."
"I cannot do that, eldest daughter. It is not my prime objective, and I am not under your order by the parameters of said objective." Iku nods as she finishes her sentence.
Tenshi stares at her dryly. "What kind of messenger are you…?"
"A fluffy one." I start doing a little strut as I slowly approach Iku, and she floats away from me just as slowly. Help, no.
Shaking her head, Tenshi begins walking into the village proper. "I'll find him myself, then."
"...Do as you will." Iku shakes her head, expression dry.
Tenshi begins wandering off on her own in search of the village's management, Iku forced to follow her out of occupation.
I move to follow her… but shieut, it's chilly out. It's even colder than this morning, and the morning was pretty cold! I wonder if I can nick a blanket or robe off someone… I mean, I got my monk robes, but I assume those are super suspicious now…
Either Kosuzu or Sekibanki should have something! Maybe I'll even get to wear Sekibanki's coat thing, with the big collar!
I move to visit Sekibanki, deviating from the two heavenly friks.
I'm pretty sure Tenshi will just run around until she finds me later, once she finishes making noise with the village guard. That, or I'll find her; I don't think her inevitable trail of destruction will be hard to miss at all.
Shivering in the light breeze, I make my way to the home of Sekibanki! The quaint house is a rather welcomed sight.
I knock on her door…
…
After about thirty seconds, it swings open. Sekibanki stares at me blankly, and sighs.
"What is it now?"
I smile delightfully. "I am in need of a blanket, friend. Or a coat. Something warm."
She gives me a funny look, before gesturing for me to come inside. Once we get inside… I'm still freakin' cold! Waa~u!
"Stay." Sekibanki commands as she goes into her room.
I hug myself to combat the cold! Ooh, ho ho ho…
Within moments, Sekibanki comes back out with a generic brown hoodie of sorts, like the kind I see on some villagers. I say hoodie, but it's nothing like modern hoodies. It's more like a thick shirt, and it looks like it has a hood, but it really doesn't.
She hands it to me. "Here."
Shakily, I slip it on…
...I'm still cold!
"Jesus, is it like, ten degrees?" Bloody cold!
Sekibanki tilts her head. "...Are you feeling alright? It's not bad out at all. Some villagers are even working with their summer clothes today, for some reason."
...Says the one with a big coat with collar thing. How you don't get outed as a youkai is anyone's guess…
...Also, I am not feeling alright! I have a cold- wait.
I feel my forehead…
…
So, that's why I'm chilly. It's a freakin' fever.
I nod in resignation.
"...Seki?" I address her.
"Sekibanki to you." She coldly denies my informality! "I was relaxing when you came in."
"I have a fever, friend." I tell her. "Help."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I land on my ass outside her door! Friend, why!?
"Not in my house." She tells me. "Not now, at least. Come back tomorrow, when I'm rested."
The door locks.
I bang on it. "Seki, don't do this to me, baby! Seki~!"
…
No freakin' response.
Time to find Tenshi, I might be the one who needs the escorting! At the very least, I could use Flame Salvo as a portable heater, or something. I need some crap to light on fire… but what?
Walking down the road a bit, I look to my left, and see an unlabeled building. Probably a house, so let's not…
To my right… Oooh, a place with paper stuffs on stands!
On closer inspection, it appears to be a newspaper stand. I'm not entirely certain if this place even prints its own paper, so they might just all be tengu newspapers… which is kinda ironic considering the youkai stigma.
I find some issues of the Bunbunmaru!
"How much fer these?" I ask the stand vendor.
"Fifty yen per, sir." The gruff, but formal man addresses me.
...I just take a pile of them. I don't really have the money nor patience to negotiate for them, so…!
"H-hey, sir! Sir!" He runs after me, but I begin sprinting! Oh, this is not fun with a cold, but it can be done!
While running, I contemplate multi-tasking to light the papers on fire, but I don't think holding a ball of flames would be a great life choice.
...We're pretty much tied in terms of stamina and running speed, apparently. Our chase slows to a crawl as we both pant heavily, jogging slower than we could normally powerwalk.
"S-sir… M-my papers…"
I cough raggedly. "U-ugh… No~..."
How weak is this guy? I mean… we're going equally slow, but I have a fever and a cold! He's just a man person. He should be vastly outrunning me right now…
Before long, I manage to come to a scene in the village square!
"Get out, youkai! We don't like your kind here!"
An old man, whom I assume to be a village elder, is holding a rusty blade, pointing it at Tenshi's neck.
"I'm a celestia~l!" Tenshi whines. "Get it through your thick skulls!"
The elder narrows his eyes. "Sloppy!"
He swings with unreal speed…!
Crack!
The sword broke anyway, because Tenshi's defense is just on a whole different level. Both the newspaper fellow and I stop to observe the fight scene.
...The elder frowns. "...That… was just the beginning!"
He draws another sword from seemingly nowhere!
Crack!
As impressive as that sucker-slice was, celestials are OP.
"I'm just getting warmed up!"
Crack!
…
"I-...I'm out of swords." The elder admitted.
…
"...I-I'll go, now."
Without further comment, the village elder slowly and shamefully paced away. The surrounding guards just stared in awe at the scene.
Tenshi gritted her teeth. "My shirt is ripped in four different places now… Fuck."
I walk towards her as fast as I am able to, which is not very! "H-hello…!"
Cough, hack, cough. I'm dying, yo.
Suddenly, the newspapers are somewhat ripped from my hands! The ragged and worn gruff man pulls some from my arms, and I fight for my remaining ones. He eventually takes off with a pile of them, but like, they're all ruined anyway, so uh…
I pick up the few I have left. Maybe I can make a fire with these…!
...Iku walks up to us, holding a lemonade. She doesn't say anything, and Tenshi doesn't even acknowledge she's there.
She proceeds to sip from it.
"There you are. I was getting bored of these human idiots." Tenshi emphasized her last word by looking around at the villagers hatefully, and only the guards really caught her glare.
I nod. "Say, uh… I am in need of the medical treatment. Take me to the clinic!"
Tenshi blinks. "What clinic?"
Oh, fuck me.
"...Bamboo forest?" I try.
Tenshi scrunches her face. "Uu~h, the big one to the west?"
"You mean east?" I think.
"...Maybe?" Tenshi's getting just as confused as I am, now!
"Whatever. Help." I cough lightly. "T-throat going…!"
Tenshi stares at me, unsure of what I was trying to imply.
Freakin'... take me to a medical person! You dense heavenly frik! Aaaaugh!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====
"Forest of loonies, crap on the insane asylum, bamboos on every single one…" I repeat. I have to remember this! Brad-kun's counting on me!
Flying away from the shrine place, I find myself at the lake, because I dunno where the insane asylum is!
I see Cirno and Daiyousei-chan… Maybe they know!
"Hello~!" I call to them!
They float up to me…
"Hello, fellow ice fairy!" Cirno greets me! "How goes the training?"
Uhm… "Good?"
Cirno smiles. "Great!"
Daiyousei smiles at me. "How's life, Ha-chan?"
"Good…" I start, "Brad-kun needs some medicine, but I dunno how to get it. Something about crapping on loonies…"
Both the fairies give me a funny look.
"...I-I think Brad's a bad influence on you, Ha-chan." Daiyousei cautions me. "He's not nice to fairies, I don't think…"
…
I frown at her.
"...So, can you help me, Cirno-chan?" I float in between Cirno-chan and Daiyousei…
"Yeah! Leave it to teach!" She gives me a thumbs up, too, even!
"That's what I wanna hear!" Go, Cirno-chan!
Daiyousei pouts. "Don't just ignore me, please…"
I turn to her. "Apologize to Brad-kun later."
She blinks. "R-really? But-"
"Promise me."
…
"A-alright… alright." Daiyousei-chan sighs. Ya~y!
"So… Where're we going again?" Cirno-chan asks…
Hmm. "Forest of loonies! Beat up the insane asylum! Crap on crap!" I repeat!
Cirno nods, forming a cutting observation. "...I think we're going to a structure!"
Daiyousei sighs. "Okay…"
Off we go~!
Floating through the air, we pass through the forests near the Hakurei Shrine…
"Hold on," Cirno-chan calls out to us. "Eye gotta do somethin' first…"
Floating down to the ground, we find Wriggle-chan-kun… person. She's tending to an ant hill!
She-he-uhm… looks up at Cirno, and leaps back. "C-Cirno! Get away from here! This ant colony was doing just fine without you!"
Cirno pouted. "What do you mean? I can help them!"
"No, you can't! Just get out of here, Cirno…" Wriggle stands in front of the ant colony to protect it from a long winter.
"Fi~ne…" Cirno whines. "Look, we gotta find the insane asylum in the forest of crap!"
Wriggle furrowed her brows. "Since when did you start swearing…?"
Cirno tilts her head. "What?"
"Nevermind…" Wriggle sighed. "Look, what do you want? I don't feel like playing today, Cirno…"
"It's not that." Cirno retorts, "I just said we gotta find the crap asylum in the forest of insane!"
"I don't even know where that is!" Wriggle grasps her head. "L-look, please, not today!"
"...Oka~y…" Awww, Cirno…
...I lean over the ants. "Can I cuddle with them?"
Wriggle's face slowly shifts into a frown.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
O-owww…
"...Honestly, you shouldn't tease others like that." Daiyousei-chen reprimands me as she applies a band-aid to my forehead.
But I wasn't…! They were sma~ll! How was I supposed to know Wriggle didn't want me hugging them!?
Sometimes life's just unfair…
Back at the lake, the three of us sit at the shore…
A wolf lady walks up next to us! "Hello, wolf lady!"
She smiles. "Hello, fairies. How goes things?"
"We need to find the crap forest!" Cirno reiterates.
The wolf-lady blinks. "...Do, um, you mean the bamboo forest?"
Cirno nods. I don't think it means the bamboo forest, but um… at this point I'm okay with any forest, asylum, or crap. I'm sure Brad won't mind if I just crap on an asylum.
What's an asylum?
"...Follow me, then." The wolf lady floats off, staying near the floor as she does so, and we follow her. Cirno begins flying higher, so me and Daiyousei-chan do, too. I dunno why the wolf lady's flying so low.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We reachy the placey!
"Here you are." The wolf lady waves us off as she floats off again. "See ya."
Cirno-chan smiles. "It's the insane land! We did it!"
Daiyousei-chan frowns. "A-are we sure we should be here?"
Uh… "No. But we needy the mediciney!" Whoops. I got carried away, and let the sounds slip into my speech!
"Ye!" Cirno-chan agrees. "...Ye, ye, ye."
Daiyousei sighed. "Cirno, no…"
"Ye!" Cirno beamed. "Ye~!"
She flew into the glass window thingies, breaking holes in them as she flew through them.
"O-oh, dear…" Daiyousei-chan cupped her hands around her mouth.
I flew in behind her through the holes in the windows!
A purple-haired bunny girl raised her rifle, and shot Cirno-chan in the face!
BLAM
Pi~chun!
Oh, no!
She aimed at me…!
"W-wait, don't shoot! Brad needs medicine!"
...Her aim turned to Daiyousei-chan.
BLAM
Pi~chun!
Good riddance. I never liked that green-haired one anyway…
...She aims at me again!
"What was this about someone needing medicine?" The bunny woman sternly demands of me!
"B-Brad-kun! H-he needs cold medicine! Don't shoot!"
...She lowers her rifle. "Alright. If I see you do anything mischievous, though, it's a bullet to the head, miss."
Phew…
She takes a key from one of her pockets, and moves to open the cabinet near her…
It swings open, and she sighs.
"Of course there's none of the common stuff, somehow, but we have stuff like xylenol in surplus…"
Closing the door cabinet door, she moves away from the counter, carrying the large gun with her. "Follow me, fairy. We're looking for some medicine stores."
She walks off down the rightmost hall… Should I follow her? She's kinda mean…
...but Brad-kun needs his medicine!
Before I go, another rabbit girl in a cute little pink dress pops out from under the desk. "Hehehe…!"
She's holding some boxes of things… Hey, actually…!
"Do you have any boxes of cold medicine?" I ask her.
She jumps on sight. "H-holy shit! A fairy fucker! How've the guards not shoot'cha down, yet?" She drops the medicine boxes, and pulls a large mallet from seemingly nowhere!
"H-hold on! I don't understand!" Stop, friend!
...She pauses. "Ya said ya needed medicine?"
I nod fearfully…
She kicks a few boxes aside. "What kind?"
"C-cold…"
"Take yer pick. You do somethin' funny, and you'll be crusin' fer a bruisin'." She lifts her mallet onto her shoulder, looking intimidating…!
...I get on my knees and examine the medicine…
Let's see… Viagra, ibupro-whatsit, xoobafoob… "I-I dunno which the cold medicine is…"
The pink-clad bunny girl looks at the pile of things… "Doc made some cure-all cold shit 'while ago… Should be the uh… Eirinomines. Yeah, real original, I know."
...Dunno what she means by that. I dunno how to spell that, either. "...Does it begin with…"
The bunny girl sighs. "Look- ugh, it begins with E…"
Okay…
"I…"
Ei…
"R… Find it yet?"
Eir… uhm… "I don't see any 'eir' medicines…"
The girl drops her hammer and gets down on the floor with me. "For the love of- okay, let me find it for you…"
She digs around through the boxes on the floor, and eventually gives me one.
"Here. Eirinomines."
I look at the box. So that's how you spell it!
…
I only just now realized all these boxes are in Japanese, and not French. Language is wei~rd…
"Take the- actually, who needs the meds?" The bunny asks.
"Brad-kun!" Yeah!
"Here." She places the Viagra on top of the other box. "It helps, too."
Great! "Thanks, bunny-chan!"
"...Call me Tewi." Tewi-chan lifts her hammer again. "Now get outta here before someone puts a bullet in ya, or a bump on yer head. Like me." She swings her hammer a few times for effect.
I take off with the boxes and bags and things! Maybe not the bags, because there were none, but… I liked how that made the sentence sound!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Halfway over the bamboo woods, I realize something…
Where's Brad-kun right now…?
Static filled my ears as I did that thing… I don't know what to call it.
';,.';"Iku, I know",'.;,';.,'"daughter please"',;.';,.;.;',;.;,.';"Remi, could you"',;.';,.';"and I would like",'.;';,.';,"Seki, baby, please…!",';.';,.
…
He's twenty-three and a half degrees west.
,'.;,;.',;.';,.,'.;',;.';,'.; "met these fairies",';.',;.';"something about taking a crap"',.;',.;"Hahaha!"';,.';,.,'.',.';,';,.'"Sloppy!"',;.';,.
…
Like, thirty-seven degrees down…
';,.';,.',;.';.';,'.';,',';'."Reimu! I came to play, ze!"';,.';,.';,.,.',';."my foolish pupil",.';,';.';"Unauthorized_Access_Of_Sector_6234_Radiocomm_Airway_Commencing_Signal_Disruptors…"',;.;',.,';."I'm bo~red!",'.;',;.
There he is! Let's go, go, go~!
I rocket in his direction!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
I chillily sat next to the campfire of papers next to the village walls…
Tenshi sits next to me, frustrated. "I'm bo~red!"
Too bad! I need warmth, dammit!
…
"I'm bo~red!" Freakin'...
Suddenly, I'm bashed against the village wall by a humanoid missile!
That missile is Ha-chan.
"Brad-ku~n!" She cheers. Stepping away from me, she drops some boxes in front of me, and I fall on top of them.
"Medicine!"
...Lifting them up, I notice the labels are in Japanese. I can't freakin' read 'em!
"Which one's the cold medicine? Are they both cold medicine?" Uhhh…
"No, the Eirinomines are the cold medicine." Ha-chan tells me.
Eirinomines. Well, I know who made them!
"Which box is the Eirinomines?" I ask.
She looks at them. "...I dunno!"
How. "How do you know you got any, then?"
"Tewi-chan gave me Viagra and Eirinomines!" Ha-chan smiled.
Viagra. No one else but Tewi Inaba…
Now, which one is which? One's a pill, the other's a liquid… Yea~h, let's avoid the little blue pills.
I take out the cold medicine. I dunno how much I need; the directions aren't here. I'll just take a little…
I sip a small bit…
…
Nothing yet! It tastes like crap, though, even if my throat and sense of smell is nuked.
Ha-chan pours some more onto my lap, and I catch some with my hand.
"W-what the hell, yo!"
She drops a pill into my hands, too, and it sinks to the bottom of the dark blue medicine goop. No, yo.
"Try it! It'll help!" Ha-chan smiles.
...I'll pretend to try it.
I sip the medicine from my hands, keeping a careful eye out for the pill. I'm trying to drink through my teeth to catch it, but it is a pretty small pill…
...I drink an acceptable amount, and let the rest spatter on the ground nearby. I don't see a pill among it, though...
My world begins spinning! "H-holy fuck… W-what was in that?"
Tenshi stares at me curiously.
"Eirinomines! I think!" Ha-chan explains cheerfully.
That don't help!
Aaaau~!
…
After I lie on the floor a bit, things stop spinning all willy-nilly…
I sit up. "Oof…"
I also feel curious. My throat is fine now, and I'm suddenly warming up… Really warming up.
"Holy, fuck, it's hot now. Well, that's better than freezing my ass off, but…" I dunno. It's a comfy kinda hot…
I look to Tenshi's curious expression as she looks at the crates of medicine. The way her face and her hair compliment one another's kinda cute…
Iku returns from inside the village with a ball of ruined newspapers. "I paid for the ones you stole and tarnished, human."
Iku's not very sociable, is she? Regardless… "I don't need 'em anymore, yo. I got shady drugs." Surprisingly the Eirinomines didn't have any adverse effects of their own, yet. I still don't know if I took that Viagra or not yet…
Iku looks at the medicine, and her eyes widen. "Eldest daughter, no!"
I look, and see Tenshi down a whole bottle of cold medicine. Uh… What the hell'll that do to a celestial?
...Moments later, she was coughing some of it up. "Ack! Ukf, ugh…"
Navy blue liquid dribbled down her chin as she crouched over. Iku rushed to her side. "What were you thinking!?"
"Bwaaahh!"
Tenshi's stomach vacated the area! A blue splat was left on the floor…
"U-ugh… Oww…" Tenshi hugged her stomach. "...N-not fun…"
"Eldest daughter?" Iku patted her on the back. "...You had best be alright."
Tenshi grinned. "T-that stuff… it works g-great!" She spat out some more. "...T-tastes terrible."
Iku furrows her brows. "...What do you mean, it works great?"
"I-it actually made me sick! N-no other poison I know can do that…" Tenshi stood up, coughing violently and clutching her stomach, wincing. "Ouch… I-I'll be fine, Iku…"
"...Personally, you worry me, sometimes, with your fixation on pain, Tenshi…" Iku sighs. "I may be the messenger assigned to you most often, but that doesn't mean I'm not also your friend sometimes."
Tenshi glares back. "I-It's not a fixation on pain! This isn't- h-hold on…" Tenshi leans over on the medicine box and coughs up more goop. "...Y-you don't understand, Iku."
Iku shakes her head. "...Very well, eldest daughter…"
Ha-chan watches the events unfold with me. Now that I think about it, Tenshi's got a pretty nice- why am I thinking that while she's fucking puking!?
Oh, no. I think I may've taken that Viagra…!
I stand up with a bolt- okay, maybe I should walk differently, because a certain stiff something is making this awkward!
"Medic! Meee~dic!" I run up to Tenshi and try pulling her along with me, only to not succeed in the slightest, instead falling onto her. N-not helping!
Tenshi looks at me. "What're you doing…?"
She notices that.
"...Pervert."
Aaaaugh! "Those pills are for arousal in males, and you're potentially poisoned! We should probably go to the hospital or some shit, du~de!"
Tenshi blinks. "Humans have hospitals? I thought that was a celestial only luxury."
Holy shit. "Do ya ever read books or somethin'? They're fun. They teach you stuff."
She rolls her eyes. "Oh, not this crap again… Books are bo~ring! All they say is stupid history crap and teach about herbs. The only adventurey stories they have are like, picture books, and-and no, I don't look at the picture books still, for your information."
...I was about to go like, 'how dare you' and all that, but considering her description, I think I'd share that opinion. "...Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like heaven has a shitty library."
She shrugs. "...I guess so. You mean there're books that aren't like that?"
…
We gotta go to the clinic, dude. We gotta open the fuckin' internet. We gotta show Tenshi all the internets.
All of them. Anime, porn, fanfiction…!
Video gaaa~mes!
"I must show you the world." I tell her, my eyes glistening with emotion. I'm so excited!
Tenshi gives a half-grin, looking south... "Eheh… S-shouldn't we be somewhere more private? Honestly. You're the most bold suitor so far."
I'm excited in more ways than one, apparently. "Not like that, friend. I'd calm my hormones, but that pill doesn't want me to. I mean there's some stuff at the hospital you'd like. Clinic, technically, same thing."
She nods. "Oh, okay. Good. I wasn't really feeling like doing it with someone as weak as you, anyway." Tenshi sighs in relief. "I mean… no offense, but I don't think I could even feel you spank me. N-not that that's important."
Iku cringed, but said nothing.
Let us try it, then- no… no…! Calm your hormones! Check your cis-privilege, self. It is a crime to be a male who gets boners when he is around pretty ladies.
I dunno if I'm using the term 'cis-privilege' right, and to be quite frank, I don't care, either. Buncha bollocks, anyway.
"W-we should get going." I begin, awkwardly walking into the woods.
This is going to be one painfully weird ass walk to the bamboo woods…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We wordlessly walk for awhile, until Tenshi decides to point out how stupid my awkward walk is. "Look, we all know you're turned on right now. Stop walking like you're handicapped."
She doesn't know what a hospital is, but knows what handicapped people are. Freakin'...
I relax my stride. Eheh…
Iku shakes her head. "Have you no shame?"
Well… no. But still, it's not me!
Ha-chan is oblivious, instead giving Iku the stink eye. "Brad-kun did nothing wrong! He just had a cold earlier, is all!"
"I'm sure." Iku ignores her.
Ha-chan, you're not helping the scene, here!
We continue down the path until we reach the place…
"hi friends"
You know. The one.
Fucking fluffles.
...It looks at me. "sorry friend, we dont sell to sex people"
...Motherfucker!
"come back when you are not sex" It tells me.
Turning to Tenshi, it asks the fun question. "would you like to see my wares"
She blinks. "...Sure."
She nudges my shoulder, and whispers into my ear. "Could these things always talk…?"
Tingles in my ea~r! "A-ah… Well, uh, yeah."
Stupid Viagra. There better be an anti-Viagra or some shit.
The fluffle lays out a lineup of weapons on the table. Talk about nostalgia…
There's a spiral lance and shield, an orange lance, and a blue Hisou look-alike.
Tenshi stares blankly at them. "...What are these?"
The fluffle gestures to the spiral armaments. "lance and shield of the valkyrur, forty five million yen" What the fuck. "give wielder immense health regeneration and defense, along with extreme non-elemental mana manipulation"
Tenshi bobs her head back and forth. "Pricy for something that worthless…"
Worthless?
It gestures to the orange lance. "lance of the destroyer; gives 6x damage bonus against structures, and provides immunity to all projectiles, it is twelve million yen"
Tenshi shakes her head. "Only? Garbage."
Garbage!?
The fluffle gestures to the final object. "sword of hisahhhh!" It exclaims. "it gives you tenshe status"
She blinks. "...Tenshe status?"
The fluffle nods. "it increases your luck tenfold"
...Tenshi gestures for it to go on.
"it prevents you from drawing the sword of hisou while you own it; its made of plastic, friend, and is one yen"
Tenshi shakes her head vehemently. "N-no! How do you even have a sword like that? Never!"
The fluffle's smile is gone, replaced by empty space. "im sorry friend"
…
"Let's just go." Tenshi solemnly shakes her head, walking away from the stand. Iku looks relieved she didn't buy anything, and Ha-chan… just is.
We eventually reach the edge of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost.
Today's just kinda been one of those groggy, overcast sorta days…
"We should fly." Tenshi proposes. "Walking bores me."
"Flying bores me." I counter. "...I can't do it, either." Hyonk.
"Biased." Tenshi counter-counters! "I doubt anything bores you at the moment."
Can people stop making puns at the expense of my boner!?
I look to Ha-chan, who is giggling to herself apparently. "Hehehe~!"
…
"What're you doing?" I ask her.
She jumps, turning to me. "Oh, I was just thinking."
…
Sure.
Iku shakes her head. "She's been doing some form of magnetic sound reception, but I don't know how she does it. Us messengers are not unfamiliar with the idea… but none of us have put such into practice. How she does it is a mystery to even me."
Oh, nope, fuck that. Fucking magnets, dude.
Ha-chan glances at her, equally confused. "...Wha~?"
Iku shakes her head, disappointed in us.
Someone leaps from the bushes. "Well, well, well… Look what we have here…"
It's a wolfman!
"A delightfully easy to detect human… with a fucking boner." He looks at the other three… "No wonder. He's got some real babes with him!"
Who wants to place bets on how long it'll be until Tenshi blows him up?
"While I'm here, I think I'll take… this one!" He leaps towards Tenshi, and grabs her.
...He attempts to lift her, which proves to be a futile effort as he pulls and pulls, but Tenshi doesn't even budge.
She grabs him by the neck. "You're scuffing my clothing, mortal."
She throws him straight up into the air.
"Aaa~h…!"
…
Um… is, uh… "Is he comin' back down?" I look up, shielding my eyes with a hand.
"Probably not." Tenshi smugly adds.
I turn to Iku, and she nods, drawing a line across her neck while looking somewhat solemn.
Well, rest in fucking pieces, wolf dude. Hopefully Eirin finds you and makes a wolfenstein out of you, 'cause you're gonna get gibbed on landing.
Tenshi is literally the embodiment of all my Gensokyian escorts. Impossible to kill, and literally just flings all the bad guys around the place like bad G-mod props. Except Tenshi is literally just totally untouchable, unlike Reimu or Sakuya or others who actually, y'know, had to try to not get beaten up, even if only loosely.
...Oh, my god.
Tenshi's like a Mary Sue version of me, except edgier, and even more of a do-nothing!
Oh my go~d!
More rustling in the bushes!
Here we go…
Mokou comes out!
Oh. I was expecting Revenge Of The Wolfmen: Part 2. This works too.
"...You get your ass lost again?" Mokou stares at me vainly.
I nod. "Yes. Help, friend. We are… afflicted with ailments." To put it lightly!
Tenshi elaborates, despite my wishes. "He has an undying boner, and I drank gallons of deep blue cold medicine. We need help."
Mokou blinks, then confirms whether or not Tenshi's statement was true with her eyes. "...Holy crap, I didn't even notice that. Huh. I assume it was from a drug?"
I nod.
"Good. I would've ripped your dick off otherwise." Mokou threatened.
...I feel intimidated. Legitimately, now! It's intimidatin' for reals! I would ask for context on that, but for some reason, I feel like that'd be a bad idea! I dunno 'bout you!
Tenshi gives her a funny look, Ha-chan is suddenly frowny, and Iku… doesn't react, she's just totally indifferent.
We quickly progress to the manor- I mean, ah, fuck it. Bamboo forest palace place! I don't even know, anymore…
"Here you are." Mokou sees us off. "Don't rape any rabbits in there, you."
Son.
Mokou grins as I give her a judgemental stare, and begins to walk off.
...Tenshi comments on her as soon as she's gone. "She doesn't get many men, does she?"
I turn to her. "You don't get many men, do you?"
She rolls her eyes. "Please. I've had sex plenty of times."
Iku facepalms.
Not the words I needed to hear while on Viagra, thanks.
We go inside and up to the front desk…
Reisen is there, shoving some boxes into a medicine cabinet. "...Hello, just a moment…"
They happen to be boxes of cold medicine and Viagra. I can tell, because they're translucent and I can see the crap on the inside. Navy blue bottles, and little blue pills.
"Hi, friend." I greet her! I make sure to hide my sitchiation under the counter…
"...Oh, it's you." Reisen turns to me, and sees the crew behind me. "... That fairy, apparently. I was planning on shooting you because you ran off."
"Some nice bunny named Tewi gave me the medicine!" Ha-chan told her.
Reisen groaned. "Great…"
I put my hands on the counter. "Medic! My dick!"
…
"We have a small problem!"
…
"What is-" Reisen began.
"That must be seen by the doctor!" I add awkwardly.
…
"What is the problem, sir?" Reisen's expression is now more vain.
"She drank a few bottles of your cold medicine stuff…" I point to Tenshi, who waves.
Reisen's mouth is slightly agape. "O-oh…"
"And I took Viagra, and now I have an erection I never asked for! Do you have anti-Viagra?" I ask her.
"...No." Reisen told me. "You're gonna have to wait it out, or something. A-aside from that, she downed how many bottles of medicine now?"
Tenshi put a finger to her lip. "Um… like, four? Five?"
Reisen's jaw dropped.
"...S'that bad?" Tenshi tilts her head.
"Y-yes, very bad! You'll need operating right away! You're lucky to be alive!" Reisen wails. She runs around the counter, rushing to Tenshi's side to pull her along, only to fall over from the unexpected force Tenshi's presence bears once she attempts running away with her arm.
Reisen slides onto her bum.
"A-auuu…"
She gets back up hastily, and pulls with less force. "C-c'mon…!"
Tenshi shrugs. "Fine, fine. Just chill out, already."
They walk off down a different hall…
…
I look to Iku, who begins moving for a waiting chair. That's the boring decision…
Ha-chan stays near me, being absent as usual.
Well, this is gonna suck. That last word gave me weird thoughts.
Shieut.
I go behind the counter, and take out a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer…
"You shouldn't be back there." Iku advises me.
What're you, my mom? That'd be funny actually, 'cause uh…
I write "Went to Kaguya's room, ask Reisen for directions." on it in my excellent chicken scratch. I leave the pen behind and head on over to Iku, giving her the note.
"Tell Tenshi to read this. If she can't read it, read it to her. If you can't or don't want to read it, have Reisen read it. If none of you can read it, then tell her to go to fookin' Kaguya's room! Someone should understand that."
Iku looked up at me blankly. "...I'm a messenger, sure, but I'm not your messenger."
The fuck is your occupation, then!? Fluffy cloud person!?
Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna go find Kaguya….
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Holding a fluffle over my crotch, I enter the room…
"You're supposed to shoot the snipers!"
"I am, bitch! I am! What do you think I'm trying to do!?"
Kaguya and Mokou are on the couch, again, playing some sort of game. How Mokou got over here from walking away in the woods, I'll never know.
Mokou looks up at me, then down at the fluffle. "...I see you never got your problem fixed. Why'd you come here, then?"
Eheh… "Well, according to bunny-ears down there, there isn't a fix."
"...Ah." Mokou goes back to looking at the screen.
"What the hell are you two going on about!? We're getting the shit sniped out of us here! Do something!" Kaguya yelled.
"Shut the fuck up already!" Mokou hollered back.
...I move behind the couch to observe the game. It looked like Call of Duty, or something. Something modern!
In moments, though, they both died, presumably sniped to hell.
"..." Kaguya seethed, eyes narrowing gradually as she folded her arms.
Mokou sighed. "Well, that sucks."
"You suck." Kaguya takes the easy way out.
Mokou rolls her eyes.
…
"So, what was this problem you two were bickering about?" Kaguya asks, vaguely disappointed by Mokou's lack of a response.
"He's got a boner." Mokou puts it bluntly. "Drug-induced."
Kaguya grins. "Oh, great. He's standing behind us, too. For all we know, he's going to jack off to us while we play."
That statement amuses me for some reason, but I can't put my finger on it…
Mokou turns to her. "You're disgusting."
"What? It's true!" Kaguya retorts. "It's called a cam show!"
"Just restart the fucking level!" Mokou barks at her, readying her controller.
...The fluffle starts to try to wiggle out of my hands. "im a loofa"
Freakin' nuggets.
After awhile of watching them retry and fail the level, I take out my 3DS…
The light's blinking red! Oh, shit!
"Kaguya, you got a spare 3DS charger nearby?" I toss the fluffle aside. Who has time to worry about arousal when their 3DS is about to freakin' eat it!?
Kaguya and Mokou's characters get blown up at once by a hilariously overkill amount of explosions for no reason.
"...Told you to set it to hard." Mokou muttered.
...Kaguya turns to me. "I blame you for that. Yeah, the chargers are in the fourth cabinet to the left in my desk. Make sure you open the fourth."
I move to the cabinets, and open the fourth. It's literally filled with just 3DS chargers.
I take one out, plug it into the nearby surge protector, and plug it into my 3DS…
There we go.
Ha-chan finally floats into the room, and moves across the screen while the two immortals attempt to play their game.
"What the hell!?" Kaguya tries to look around her and ends up butting heads with Mokou, who tried to do the same.
"Ah, fuck…" Mokou grasped her head.
"N-not cool…" Kaguya clutched hers.
"Hey, Brad-kun!" Ha-chan greeted me. "Is everything better, now?"
Not rea- well, kinda. "...Sorta." Got rid of cold: good. Got an eterna-boner… not so good! I don't even know how long this lasts… but it should die down in under four hours! At least like, one hour has passed, so~... Three hours? Oof.
...Must...combat...my lewd thoughts!
Tenshi walks into the room. Hehey, she made it!
"...The doctor told me to get out because I was a celestial, and that I didn't need treatment." She huffed. "She said my reaction was normal because the stuff was potent. I think she's wrong." Alright, friend, chill out.
Tenshi's pouting face is kinda- for fuck's sake! My mind must be quelled with hellfire!
Ha-chan floats closer to her. "Now, now. The early bird catches the worm…"
She floats up to Tenshi, and begins patting her on the back.
…
"What?" Tenshi is confused.
"Shhh…" Ha-chan shushes her gently.
…
The quiet patting goes on for a few more awkward moments, until rage happens.
"Fu~ck!" Kaguya tosses the controller on the floor, and it bounces like a foot off the ground. Jesus…! "Damn it! Fuck legendary mode!"
Mokou grins at Kaguya's outburst. "...It's just a game, y'know."
"Just a game?" Kaguya turns to her slowly. "Just a game!?"
Mokou tenses up, preparing for combat. "...Yeah. What of it?"
Kaguya readies herself to pounce on Mokou, but Tenshi steps in, grabbing her by the arms. "Hey, hey, knock it off, you two!"
Kaguya's limbs strike Tenshi, but she's unaffected.
...Ha-chan catches up with Tenshi and resumes patting her on the back, to her further puzzlement.
Eventually cooling down, Kaguya slumps in Tenshi's arms. "...Fuck."
Reluctantly, Tenshi lets go of her, and she flops on the couch face first. Kaguya's got a pretty nice- okay where's the blindfolds when you need 'em? I need like, a blindfold, some brain bleach, and freakin' sedatives.
Mokou finally acknowledge's Tenshi's existence. "...Aren't you that celestial person? Tenty or somethin'?"
"Tenshi." She sternly corrects.
"Alright, alright, sheesh…" Mokou looks back at the screen. "...Kaguya, there a multiplayer mode or somethin' on this one?"
"Mmph." Kaguya mumbles from the couch cushions.
Tenshi burps.
"Aa~ww! She burped!" Ha-chan cheered at the results of patting.
"W-what did you just do to me...?" Tenshi rubbed her back, slightly weirded out.
Mokou shrugged. "Guess I'll look through the menus myself, then…"
After a few moments of calming down yet still being very confused with one another, we all sit down in front of the TV for some split-screen multiplayer. Except for Ha-chan, because she can't work a controller to save her life… I mean, she respawns anyway… but my point still stands.
She cuddled with the fluffle from earlier that I brought in, standing behind the couch. Tenshi was on the far left, Mokou was on the far right, I was seated between Kaguya and Mokou, and Tenshi was seated between me and Kaguya.
...That's like, one of those riddles from middle school where they try and make you guess the sequence of things. I'm sorry, here's a list from left to right as if you were behind the couch:
Kaguya, Tenshi, me, and Mokou.
...Much better, innit? Wahaha~!
Kaguya hands a controller to Tenshi, who rotates it curiously because she's never seen such an alien device before.
She tosses a controller overhand to Mokou, who catches it flawlessly.
She nudges mine in a precarious location between my legs, very blatantly brushing my uh… freakin'...
"You're not helping, yo!" I'd fold my legs, but this couch is so small! There's only two cushions, and-and waaaugh!
Kaguya grins. "What's wrong?"
You know what's wrong, ya fookin'...
Mokou groans. "Stop being a pervert, Kaguya. We don't need any spontaneous sex while Ten-, uh, Tennie and I are trying to play."
"Tenshi." Tenshi repeats louder. "...By the way, what are these things?"
Kaguya's perverse glee turns to dread in an instant. "...I'm sorry?"
Tenshi's holding her controller upside down. "...Are these… W-what are these?" Tenshi blushes as she asks.
...Kaguya turns to me. "Who the hell do you keep bringing?"
"Friends." I smile.
"Yeah, that judge you brought was definitely a friend." Kaguya nods. "Next time you should bring Reimu, or maybe even that purple mage girl, whatever her name was. They'd be great for gaming."
New objective, that I'm going to forget about!
...Kaguya rips Tenshi's controller from her hands, and plucks it back into a proper position. "You hold it like that, you press buttons. Figure the rest out. I'll help you if you fuck up hard."
Tenshi gives her one of those looks. "...Thanks, I guess."
We get to a menu where there's four screens…
"Alright, pick your loadout, guys." Kaguya tells us.
I feel kinda weird being pressed against two girls so closely… and I think everyone knows how weird! Some gaming should take my mind off of things…
I look at the loadout menu!... Not a lot to be said, it's like most loadout menus. I take some times to experiment with things, and I give myself a comically bad loadout. Kaguya and Mokou blaze through the menus, and Tenshi… is experiencing video games for the first time…
There seems to be a dissonance in skill levels here!
"...Okay, look, just press start." Kaguya tells her, shaking her head.
"...Which button is that?" Tenshi furrows her brows at the controller…
"The button that fucking says start!" Kaguya yells.
"The controller's in English!" Tenshi retorts. "I can't read English!"
"Fucking… The middle-most button!"
Tenshi presses the XBOX button instead of the start button.
"You've gotta be shitting me." Kaguya's jaw drops. "Dude… The arrow-like one. C'mon…"
Tenshi presses it, confirming her loadout, and the rest of us follow.
The game begins!
Alright… R is to shoot, as usual. Upper right trigger…
Boom!
Throws a grenade! Sticks move, A jumps (not that jumping like six inches does anything productive), everything else is just kinda freakin' useless guff like weapon switching, reloading, so forth…
Tenshi's character is walking in circles and shooting at the floor.
Kaguya shakes her head. "Look, the right stick moves the camera, the left moves the guy."
"W-what?" Tenshi is in awe at the screen. "What is this… sorcery? Those images…"
"Ho~ly fuck, you're a caveman." Kaguya gives up. "...Well, while you get acquainted with the wheel, we're going to actually be playing."
Throughout the game, Tenshi adapts to things surprisingly fast because she's not clinically retarded like some fairies we know, but the artifacts of never touching modern technology of such a caliber before still show, such as unable to synchronize camera and character movement well or recognize situations to perform certain actions. This is actually really interesting, all things considered.
Gunfire is heard from the TV, and Kaguya's character perishes.
"Fuck." She rattles off a single swear.
I see her respawn right in front of me. You all know that moment, the one where someone spawns right there, and it'd be a dick move to kill them but you want to do it anyway because their reaction'd be glorious.
Ratta-tat-tat!
"Fu~ck…" Kaguya grits her teeth.
Shortly after, someone else gunned Kaguya down. I dunno who, though.
"Damn it!"
I found Tenshi's character! I gingerly approached it, and threw a grenade at the floor. We both blew up.
"He~hehaheh!" I am amused!
"What?" Tenshi doesn't know what happened there, exactly.
"Goddamn it!" Kaguya makes her presence known! She curls her legs onto the couch, making us near her shift a bit from the disturbance in the couch cushions.
It also makes me think about her legs, even if they're covered by a long skirt. I need to stop thinking about things!
I look at Mokou's screen like a dirty, dirty cheater and see that she's just sitting in a sniper's nest. She takes aim…
Blam!
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Kaguya sits cross legged now, invading both the space of Tenshi and myself.
Hormones, no!
Mokou snorts silently next to me, grinning at the screen.
I decide to toss grenades wildly into the air!
Kaguya dies again, somehow.
"Hnnngh…!" She not-so-silently seethes as she throws caution to the wind and spreads out on the couch, splaying herself across literally everyone's laps.
I end up with her torso.
…
Holy shit, boobs!
"Hey, get off…!" Mokou glares down at Kaguya's face.
Tenshi stands to try and disrupt the situation, but Kaguya just flails her legs under her…
...so Tenshi sits down.
"Ooo~uch!" Kaguya wails, writhing as her legs were smooshed under Tenshi's arse.
I'm having too much of a fun time with Kaguya's torso…!
"I gotta go." I announce. "I-I gotta go. I gotta get outta here!"
I stand, and get up on the back of the couch. The entire couch tips backwards…!
Bam!
"Woah!" Mokou slides across the floor, Kaguya rolls over all of us, and Tenshi's head thunks against the floor. She seems to not care about that fact, though, so I assume she's perfectly alright. Ha-chan just moves back away from the couch, even though she could have prevented the fall.
I scramble out from under Kaguya and rush to the nearby bathroom!
I slam the door.
…
Tha~t's the closet. Big closet, by the way… but it's still the closet.
I open the door, then kick it the rest of the way open. "Hey, where's the bathroom?"
"...Over by the computer, left. That door."
I look towards it.
"Yeah, that one." Kaguya confirms for me.
"Thanks… I gotta go!"
I rush into the bathroom, and lock the door.
…
I hear them through the door! "He's jacking off." Mokou assumes.
Kaguya grins. "Because I'm just that beautiful? Maybe I should be a cam girl, then…"
Mokou shakes her head. "Because he's on Viagra. And no, you'd burn people's eyes out."
Kaguya's ego slowly deflates. "...Bitch."
Tenshi sighs. "Are you two always like this?"
They turn to her. "Shut up."
Surprisingly, Tenshi actually slinks back a bit. "A-alright…"
…
Ha-chan comes back out of observation mode. "What's 'jacking off' mean?"
Kaguya grins.
Mokou cringes. "Ah, shit…"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
No man needs to know what happened in that bathroom. It is between me, myself, and the rubber ducky that was nearby.
Lemme tell you, that rubber ducky's seen some shit.
The crisis has been averted. The war's over. Except not for that rubber ducky, oh no, that rubber ducky's gonna be havin' flashbacks for a long fuckin' time.
...To compensate, I set up multiple rubber duckies of my own around it to comfort it.
"Bonus ducks!" I exclaim, walking back out into the bedroom/entertainment room.
Everyone is gathered around the computer! Ooh, ho ho!
I approach them to see what the situation on the fluff 'n' stuffs is…
Tenshi's mouth was agape. "T-technology can do this…?"
"Indeed!" Kaguya grinned. "Gaze, and be amazed, cavewoman…!"
I look over Kaguya's shoulder, and I see porn. However, I did not react to it for a multitude of reasons! For one… the Viagra's run its course, so no more inappropriate happenings! Two… it's just not very good porn. Also, group setting. That helps calm the hormones.
"...What else is there?" Tenshi asks, mystified.
"There's plenty more things to enjoy from a personal computing device than pornographic content!" Kaguya goes full formal-princess mode because presentation time. "One can do a wide variety of amazing things, including listening to music, playing games, and watching movies!"
Tenshi really only caught the first one. "...It's not an instrument, surely?"
Kaguya's excited gaze turns to disappointment. "My words are lost on a barbarian such as yourself…"
Mokou begins heading for the couch again. "Maybe you should try 'splainin' to her in Japanese, Kaguya." Mokou jabs at her formal tone. "It wouldn't kill you to drop the princess act."
"Hey, fuck you." Kaguya breaks character to retaliate against Mokou. "A-anyway, it plays music through these things called 'speakers'..."
Tenshi just furrows her brows. "...What does public speaking have to do with music?"
Thud.
Kaguya slammed her head against the computer desk. "I'm done. You suck."
...Getting up, she turns to me. "You. No more boner?"
I nod. "No more bone zone."
"Fuck. Well, show her."
Wat. "Show her…?"
"The world."
...Say no more!
I sit down, pop open some Touhou music, I mean, what else would you play in Gensokyo, and unplug Kaguya's headphones so that they go through the external speakers instead.
The theme playing was Tenshi's, appropriately!
"...Huh. It plays music, afterall. Somehow. Doesn't sound as good as a band or bard's performance."
I nod. "Well, electric nonsense. I don't know the science behind speakers and data and stuff, but I do know quite well how to utilize it!"
"Because using a device that does everything for you is hard." She jabs, grinning.
I tilt my head. "Oh, it's not the standard application I'm tryina hint at, here…"
Tenshi blinks.
Moving on… "Movies, yo!" Run random Touhou MMDs!
Tenshi stares for a few moments. "...Is that… Reimu and Marisa? They look… indescribably malformed."
"It's called three-dimensionally modeled… models. Son." Something something animated!
She stares at me. "...I don't get it."
Me neither, sometimes…
"...You've already seen video games. This just does it different, that's all you probably need to know…"
She nods. "...I wish I had one of these back in the palace, so I could fool around with it."
Kaguya's interest is caught from the couch. "Palace?"
Tenshi nods. "I'm the eldest daughter of the celestial royal family, I'll have you know."
…
Kaguya sighs. "Of course you are. Why wouldn't Brad of all people bring random members of royalty to my bedroom every other day?"
As fun as getting slipped shady drugs, fighting a cold, and doing shadier things in an alien princess's bathroom was, I think I've had my fix of insanity here…
It's actually surprisingly late in the day now, even though the day literally started at the beginning of this chapter!
A gap opens wide open in front of me!
"Yo!" I call into it!
Yukari rises from it.
"You."
She tosses me a pair of boxing gloves.
"Me."
She puts on her own pair of violet boxing gloves.
"Let's do this."
Oh, boy! It's Punch Out time, yo!
Yukari puts up her dukes, smiling as innocent as someone as powerful as her can.
"It is time to go to war." I announce, approaching her with my own fists raised…
She sends a punch towards my face, and I do a half-assed block/dodge at the same time, but she just gaps her arm to hit me in the back of the leg, forcing me to kneel.
"Ah- hey!"
She then punches me again right in the back, forcing me to the floor.
She steps on my back with a heel. Oof!
"I wi~n!" She announces, raising her arms in the air.
Just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone.
…
"What the fuck." Kaguya stated.
...That heel mark on my back actually stings a little.
Ha-chan keeps slipping off without me noticing! I don't know where she even is right now, and I just noticed she was gone again!
...My first guess is the closet!
I open it to find all of Kaguya's clothes strewn about, and Ha-chan has a coat hanger around her neck for some reason. She hasn't choken herself, though… yet.
"...Hi, Brad-kun!"
...I close the door on her. I'll let her have her fun.
I think I'll sleep here, for tonight! Preferably on the couch or something…
Kaguya and Mokou start bickering over the game on the screen again.
"We do Capture The Flag, and that's final." Kaguya folded her arms.
"Only 'cause you play the team closest to the fucking flag!" Mokou retorts.
...It's gonna be awhile before I get to even find somewhere to sleep.
"...What's a resolution?" Tenshi asks, doing something to the computer.
Help, no.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...Groggily, I rise from… where the hell am I?
I don't wanna open my eyes yet…
...I feel shifting on me. Well, suppose I have to, then. Make sure I'm not getting eaten by an angry sofa or anything…
I find myself in a pile of Kaguya's clothes, Ha-chan nuzzling up to me. She's actually moreso cuddly right now than anything else, it seems.
"...Maaau~..."
...Her breath still smells like chernobyl, though!
Not-so-gracefully sliding her off me, I get up and exit the closet…
Tenshi's half-embedded in the floor, the bit she's on sinking in her shape. The hell'd she do to it!?
Kaguya and Mokou are piled up on the couch, freakin' mangled up in tangled up knots. They'll probably kill one another when they wake up like that.
...I unplug my 3DS from the charger. Good as new, except still has dust on the screen, and dirt marks around the buttons and the circle pad! Okay, maybe not so new…
...Wait, if the fourth drawer is just full of chargers…
I open the third drawer, and find controllers. Hmm.
I open the second drawer and find…
Ahem.
'Vibe Scepters'.
I'll let you be the judge…
First drawer is~... nothing in particular! Knicknacks, paddywhacks. A picture of… Kaguya herself. What a stunning family photograph! I'm sure Kaguya misses her, yo.
There's a fifth drawer down here… and inside…
Nothing. There's a fluffle, though. Probably the one I let get away.
"im a loofa"
Yeah, it is.
...I close the drawer. Dusty fluff can stay dusty.
She has a bin of just game controllers next to the desk. I reach in and see even N64 controllers, even though she owns no N64. Curious…
I take out an NES remote of the like, twenty. Consider it a souvenir… but the main reason I'm taking it is because I wanna tack it onto a plant hanger and see if it does cool shit.
Imagine if controllers became youkai after a hundred years. Wouldn't that be some shit? Just a hundred years of playing your games as some youkai magician and suddenly boom! All your controllers are anime babes now who make moans when you press them!
…
I have too much time to myself. Pocketing the NES controller, I get ready for takeoff.
But first…
I leave a note for Tenshi, discerning my whereabouts or lack thereof!
...Actually, I'm getting ideas for this controller already…
Moving to the window with my flail out, I break it open again-
Smash!
-and leap outside!
I slide down the roof, leap near the edge, and glide by molesting the Vortex Hanger to make its flutter shit kick in.
Thud.
Oof!... I'm fine.
Alright… I think I'll head to the Hakurei Shrine first, see how Reimu's doing and all the things.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Touching down at the stone steps once more after an uneventful and chilly morning flight, I enter the Hakurei Shrine…
Reimu is bundled up inside with mittens. Surely it can't be that cold?
She sees me enter. "...What're you doing out right now?"
Hmm? "...Going about business as usual?"
"It's about to snow." Reimu notes. "Can you not tell?"
Ahah… no. "Nope. I'm not a farm girl like you, Reimu."
She sighs. "What? It's the dragon statue in the village. The color of its eyes indicates the weather for the upcoming day."
How'd I even see that, then? "...I was not in the human village as of today, y'know."
Reimu shrugged. "It still looks like it'll snow."
...I guess. Yeah, it does, now that I think about it. Wasn't really thinking about weather.
"...Hey, do you know what the effects of Viagra are?" I ask Reimu.
Her gaze sharpens. "...Why?"
"Because I was slipped a fast one the other day, and I dunno about you, but I don't think Viagra's supposed to be a 'fuck everything' sorta drug." I elaborate.
Her gaze goes back to normal. "...Oh. I don't know of your familiarity with it, but it's mostly an aphrodisiac and organ stimulator."
Ah…
…
Wait…
"...You came up with that info awfully quickly, Reimu." I notice.
"Think nothing of it." Reimu adds. "Shut up."
"Bu-"
"Now."
Well, frik. Guess she's used it, perhaps? I can't say for certain.
I look outside, and it has begun snowing. Is it really cold enough for that?
I voice this concern to Reimu! "...Is it uh, really cold enough for it to snow?"
She nods. "It typically feels warmer out when it's snowing, unless the winds are cutting. They're really not right now, so it's not so bad out. Still…"
Mmm…
Watching the snow pick up a bit, I move towards the kotatsu to sit.
…
"You had better not be-"
"I'm not stayin', yo, I'm just chillaxing. Snow is fluffy."
…
"Yeah, I suppose it is..." Reimu agrees.
...
"Hey Reimu~! I came to play, ze!"
Reimu sighed. "Great… there goes my quiet morning…"
The shrine's door slid open, and Marisa floated in casually, riding her broom.
"Hey, he's back! How was heaven?" She floats around the kotatsu, gazing down at us.
"White and fluffy." I tell her. "It was mortifying, because there were fluffles there, too."
Marisa stopped floating. "What!?"
"Pain."
Marisa finally touched down and slipped under the kotatsu. "That's some crap, ze…"
Hmm… "Say, how do people go to heaven, anyway?" I question.
Reimu shrugs. "Some people go there when they die. Others go up there when they're alive. I don't get it."
Marisa shakes her head. "Not a clue. Why, you thinkin' of ascendin' or somethin'?"
"Not really. One of their tour guide recruitment hooligans was lecturing me on the nature of celestial ascension, and was like 'we pick everyone'." I explain.
Reimu corrects this statement, "It's true that they can… 'help' people ascend, it's also a death thing. Makes the shinigami all antsy. I personally don't want to get involved in anything troublesome like that… it's boring."
"Screw politics." Marisa agrees. "...Speakin' of, the human village has been awful, uh, anxious. Like, really, really anxious recently."
Reimu nods. "I know, right? Some thieves actually approached me when I went into town the other day. They normally don't even try things like that, so it was a surprise."
Thie~ves!
Marisa nods.
…
"Say, Reimu, mind fixing up some tea?" Marisa asks.
"Sure." Reimu gets up…
"I want some, too!" I add!
"Make it yourself."
Help, no. Well, maybe I will!
...Later! For now I'm just gonna relax…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...Iku sat in the waiting room of Eientei.
"...This supplementary appointment sure is taking awhile." She laments, still in that dinky little plastic chair she sat down in a day ago.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 31
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. Has a very situational instant-death dealing condition that, let's be honest, I probably couldn't fulfil; it's just there for world building. Help no.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
and now the fairy gets the hose again
hello friends
has anyone ever had that moment where they're just writing in a daze and think like "this is SHIT" but when they go back and reread it it's like "you know this isn't so bad"
that was pretty much me this whole chapter
hopefully the awkward segments weren't too cringeworthy! because they were both awkward and infact cringeworthy
not that cringeworthy is an entirely bad thing; cringe comedy, yo
also don't do drugs, kids; viagra might seem like fun, but keep in mind it is both not actually an aphrodisiac and is intended for people who cannot maintain their erections themselves anymore
also if you drink gallons of cold medicine you'll probably die a slow painful death, so don't do that
...also a lot of drugs have rubbish mind-mushing side effects, so uh… try not to get your mind smooshed
as always, see you all next time!
