(hi friends, it's time for PLAYER TWO START, PLAYER CHANGE… etc. MATT'S PERSPECTIVE.)

It has been numerous days of which I have been denied access outside the blasted ghost land by Yukari herself. Disappointing, to be certain...

Fortunately, it seems artistic supplies were included in the reparations budget, so I've passed the time constructing my own board game!

Well, the pieces, anyway. Rules come next.

I gaze at my purple and blue pieces, crudely crafted from their respective colored paints and cut out with scissors.

...I suddenly hear the clacking of heels against the tiled floor near me. Turning around, I see Yukari emerging from a gap.

"...Everything is sorted," she says, "You are expected in court."

Court. Gensokyo had those?

She reads my slight befuddlement. "...It's due to your intrusion upon the manor, if you remember correctly."

She read said befuddlement incorrectly.

"...Come with me." Yukari walks back into her gap, leaving it open for me.

I shrug. If I went in another direction, she'd gap me anyway.

I enter the gap…

/ / / / COUNT COURTSALOT / / / /

Yukari and I stood at the leftmost stand in the Scarlet courtroom.

My first question is why it's being held in a Scarlet courtroom.

"Order, order!" Remilia banged her little gavel on her podium, and ended up cracking both the mallet and the podium.

The chatter of fairy maids in the stands quieted down quickly.

...Remilia tossed the gavel away. She probably didn't need it, all things considered. "...Alright."

My next question is why Remilia's the judge. Of all people…

Across from me is a certain purple-haired magician. She is apparently the prosecutor…

I have a feeling the odds are stacked against me, here. Prosecutor being best friends with the judge, and all.

"We're here today to witness the stoning of an intruder!" Remilia announces.

The fairy maids cheer.

...Sakuya teleports up to her, and whispers something into her ear.

...Remilia rolls her eyes. "Right, right. Just kidding, we're here to hold a court thing or something. Whatever."

The fairy maids cheer again, anyway, getting louder.

"...I said shut up!" Remilia yells at the peanut gallery.

They all quiet down.

Sakuya teleported away.

"Right…" Remilia took a deep breath. "I think we all know what he did, but would uh…" She looks back and forth between Patchouli and myself. "...Could the defense tell us what their client did wrong? I mean, the client is the defense, unless I'm wrong and Yakumo is the defense…"

I fix my posture a bit… "Yes, I am indeed defending myself."

Remilia nodded. "Great! That makes things easier. Now…" She held up a book she had under the podium. "...This is regulation, apparently. Since this is your first case, I have to ask you some… basic questions… to determine your readiness."

I think this is your first case, too.

"...What was the crime the client committed?" Remilia asked.

...Something's not right about that. "...The client did not commit any crime. The client is being accused of a crime. Said crime is trespassing, presumably, but-"

"Right, right, that's what I meant. Yeah." Remilia sighed. "...Accused of trespassing. That is correct."

The fairy maids started clapping.

"...Why are you all clapping!? Stop it!" Remilia yelled.

They stopped clapping.

"Anyway…" Remilia readjusted her mob cap. "What is the name of the client who commit- I mean, was accused of the crime?"

Genuinely? "...Sir Matthew Regimentus van Scarlet, the fifth."

"...I have a right mind to stone you for that answer alone." Remilia rubbed her forehead… "...You said 'Matt' somewhere in there, right? I'll pretend you didn't just say that, if you don't say it ever again. Deal?"

"Sure."

The fairy maids began clapping again.

...Remilia looked up from the podium, her eyes low. "Would you morons shut up!?"

They stopped clapping, again.

"...Third, final question." Remilia stared at the book. "...What is the prosecutor's favorite color?"

Meaningful discussion, to be certain.

I look over at Patchouli, dressed in her purple pajama attire with her purple hat and purple hair…

"...The combination between blue and red." I answer.

Remilia simply stares at me for a moment. "...Smartass."

I can tell this is a very formal court.

Remilia turns to Patchouli. "Alright, same for you, prosecutor. Three questions."

Patchouli nodded. "Mmm."

"Uhh- day of the week."

"Sunday." Patchouli doesn't miss a beat.

"My favorite color?" Remilia grins.

"Scarlet." Patchouli rolls her eyes.

"Flandre's favorite treat?"

Patchouli paused for a moment. "...Triple decker fudge sundae. With blood, of course."

Remilia smiled. "Good, good. Now, everyone ready?"

Patchouli nods. "The prosecution is ready."

I shake my head. "No."

...Remilia stares at me.

"I'm not." I elaborate.

"...You have one minute to get ready, then." Remilia decides.

The fairy maids begin chatting quietly amongst each other. Patchouli sips some sort of drink…

Yukari turns to me. "I'm only here because of your childish name dropping. I will not help you."

Figured as much. That's preferred, actually. I shrug in response.

...I look over to Patchouli, and call out to her. "Hey."

She glances at me.

"What's that you're drinking?"

She looks down at it. "Energy boosting tea. Helps concentration, and the likes."

"Where could I-"

Remilia intervenes. "There is to be no discussion between the prosecution and defense during preparation!"

Well, then. I look up at the judge… "How has your day been?"

She blinks. "...Alright, I suppose. Until I had to hold this stupid court, that is."

I smile. "Why don't we not hold it, then?"

She smiles back. "Is that a confession?"

"Not even close." I keep smiling.

"Then deal with it." Remilia folds her arms. "Yakumo has a part in this crap, too."

I turn to Yukari, who just stares at me coldly.

"...As you should, too." I offhandedly add, directed towards Remilia.

She narrows her eyes at me, but says nothing. "...I think you've had enough time to prepare. Are you ready, or do you want to make this easy and confess now?"

I nod. "I confess…"

Remilia's face lights up.

"...that I'm not guilty."

Her face stays smiling, but she slams her arm into the podium.

Bam!

The fairy maids begin clapping again.

"...That's it!" She leaps onto the podium, reeling an arm back. "Be… quie~t!"

A gungnir materializes in her reeled-back arm, and she tosses it into the crowd of fairy maids.

Thwaa~sh!

Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!

A series of startled gasps is the last sound the rest of the crowd makes before they quiet down, for good this time.

"...I don't think that's allowed in a courtroom." I add.

Remilia looks down to me, her eyes full of malice.

"You're in my courtroom, now!"

...She sits down behind the podium again, which was now scrunched up from the force of her gungnir toss. "...Also, shut up. We're continuing. Also, you're ready now."

Glad that that was decided for me.

Remilia turned to Patchouli. "Alright, Patchy. Call up some witnesses. Good ones, too."

Patchouli raised a finger. "Actually, I'd like to go in ascending order from useless to those of actual worth. To better gauge the trial, you know." Patchouli states bluntly.

...Remilia stares at her. "Sure, whatever. Do whatever you want, then."

Patchouli nods. "...I'd like to call…" She lifts a piece of paper up from her desk. "...This name is illegible. I think I remember her, anyway… That one fairy maid with the cream hair. That one."

Remilia stares at her dryly. "...You must be joking."

Patchouli shakes her head. "Might aswell get it out of the way now."

That one fairy maid I killed floats up, making for Patchouli's desk…

Patchouli puts her hand up. "No, no, you go to the witness stand…"

I slam my hands on the desk!

"OBJECTION!"

Patchouli flinches. "M-mukyuu~!"

Remilia gazes at me. "...What?"

"That fairy maid-" I point at her. "-is too stupid to be a witness!"

"Objection overruled." Remilia monotoned.

You'd have thought she would've gone for it…

"Might I ask why?" I inquire.

"Because I don't like you." Remilia put it simply.

The fairy maid floats up to the witness stand, despite my best interests.

"...Now, would you be a good girl and tell us what this cretin did to you?" Remilia kindly asked of the fairy maid.

"U-uhm… alright, I guess!" She scratches the back of her head. "All my friends are watching… this is sca~ry!"

Remilia responded with many less ounces of kindness. "If you don't talk, I'll show you the real meaning of scary."

Too edgy for me.

The fairy maid gulped.

- - Witness Account - -

"W-well, I was going about my chores- I really was!" The fairy maid began.

"...Then this man came up to me in the hallway. Uhm… he was like… uhh… 'I'm gonna show you candy!' and I was like… 'yeah!'... I think!"

"So I, like, gave him a tour 'cause I really wanted the candy, or something. We went by the fairy barracks, and guest room… a guest room."

"We went inside, and then I woke up in the halls again! I think I must've ate so much candy I blacked out…"

Patchouli nodded. "I see. Is that everything?"

The fairy maid nodded. "Yeah. I also finished my chores… Don't hurt me, mistress!" She crouched under the witness stand…

- - End Witness Account - -

Remilia yawned. "...There was literally nothing relevant there. How quaint. Did you get everything you needed, Patchy?"

Patchouli shrugged. "Always good to start small, as they say."

...Who's they?

"...Whatever, get her off the stand. She's useless." Remilia waves the fairy maid off.

"...Waa~u…" The fairy maid whines, fluttering away.

I warned her, too, but she didn't listen.

Remilia stuck her hand out, and Sakuya appeared, placing a teacup into it. "Thank you, Sakuya."

She sipped from it… "...There we are."

Looking down at her podium, Remilia realized she had nowhere to place the tea. "...Bah." She drank the rest in a few gulps, and tossed the cup aside. In a blink, Sakuya caught it and teleported off with it.

I think they call that preventative mess cleanup.

"...Ne~xt." Remilia called out.

Patchouli thought about it for a moment… "I'd like to call Hong Meiling to the stand."

This should be fun.

Meiling came from another room entirely, moving to the witness stand…

"Heya." She greets everyone. "...I'm sure you all know who I am."

Remilia shrugs. "Regulation says name and occupation."

"You didn't do that for that fairy maid, though…" Meiling noted. "That kinda threw me off."

Remilia waved it off. "She didn't count, she was too stupid."

Meiling nodded. "Right… Hong Meiling. Gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

I slammed my hands onto my desk again.

"OBJECTION!"

Patchouli and Remilia looked at me. Unfortunately, Patchouli wasn't caught off guard this time, but she did narrow her eyes at me.

"Are you really the gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion?" I ask her eagerly.

Meiling blinks. "...Yes?"

"...Then you're a very terrible one." I fold my arms.

"Objection overruled." Remilia ends the discussion, while Meiling frowns.

Patchouli composed herself. "...Would you mind telling us what you saw that day, Meiling?"

She nodded, now more serious than casual. "Gladly."

- - Witness Account - -

Meiling took a deep breath… "A few days ago, Matt came to the manor gates."

"I told him he couldn't come in, because we had a stricter policy on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."

He would.

"He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just went home."

"Apparently, he did something I only learned a few days after the fact when Brad replicated it… He had gone to the lake, then went in the woods around the manor, and proceeded to scale the wall."

I have no idea how Brad could have done something like that with his equipment, but good on him, I suppose. The copycat.

"When Matt was teleported out, he insulted me. When I tried to engage him- for trespassing, that is- Sakuya restrained me, telling me that 'this matter would be solved diplomatically with the Yakumo'."

She nodded. "That's all I know."

- - End Witness Account - -

...Remilia nodded. "Good, great, off with his head, then! Sakuya, is the guillotine ready?"

Sakuya teleported up to her, and whispered something in her ear.

"...I'm sorry? The defense gets a what…? Are you serious?"

Remilia sighs. "Alright, fine. Would the defense like to… cross-examine… the witness?" Remilia hissed the term.

"Indeed." I answered.

Meiling folded her arms, glaring at me.

- - Cross-Examination: Witness Account - -

It is time to think about what Meiling said in detail…

Everything she said is the truth. However, in what ways must I fuck with this situation to make everyone confused?

"A few days ago, Matt came to the manor gates."

...It was not, in fact, Matt! It was my not-so-evil twin brother… Ma-... Marth? Yeah. Marth.

"I told him he couldn't come in, because we had a stricter policy on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling blinked.

"...What is this 'stricter policy' you spoke of?" I ask.

"Well…" Meiling rubbed one of her arms. "Visiting policies are technically between eight and ten only, but we always kinda let people in we didn't really mind around day hours."

I nod… "So, you didn't really enforce it then, huh?"

Meiling snaps her head up. "N-no, I mean, the last few days were just…"

Remilia nodded. "Go on, Meiling. Do tell."

Meiling folded her arms. "I-I've been guarding!"

Patchouli weakly slammed her hands on her desk, wincing as she did so.

"Ob-objection!"

We turned to her.

"...W-we're not here to harass Meiling over her guard duties." She redirected the topic. "I'll ask her to revise her testimony a bit, but this changes little…"

I slam my hands on the desk, making Patchouli jump again.

"OBJECTION!"

I raised a finger. "Since she didn't strictly follow her guard duties, I was allowed in! Isn't that right?"

Remilia bobbed her head back and forth. "From what I heard, she tried. You just went around her."

"Well, then she did a poor job." I add. "I think she deserves punishment."

...Remilia raises a brow at me. "...And I think you should stop talking as if you were of any importance. Objection overruled."

"HOLD IT!"

Remilia stares at me dryly.

"This entire case is about me!" I argue.

"...So?"

Well.

"Hurry up your cross-examination, already." Remilia complained. "Your grasping for straws bores me."

Might as well.

Meiling revised her testimony...

"I told him he couldn't come in, because we had… begun bothering to enforce our policy... on visitors after the Yama had accompanied Brad. I dunno what they did, but they made the roof explode, somehow."

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling sighed. "Wha~t…?"

"...How do you make a roof explode?" I ask, intrigued.

"Shut up." Remilia shuts me down.

...Well, okay, then.

"He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just went home."

"HOLD IT!"

Meiling tilted her head. "What…?"

Patchouli rubbed her temples… "Would you stop doing that…?"

"No. It's a part of courtroom proceedings." I clutch my shirt as if I were wearing a fancy suit.

"Get on with it." Remilia commands.

"...Right. I do not own a home." I state.

"An~d…?" Meiling urges me to go on.

"Thus, I could not have 'just gone home'." I smugly explain.

"...I didn't know that." Meiling shrugged.

Patchouli and Remilia stare at me incredulously.

"I request that the witness revise her testimony."

Remilia shakes her head. "Su~re…"

"He tried looking around the wall, but I followed him. After that, I had thought he gave up and just screwed off."

What a great revision!

"Apparently, he did something I only learned a few days after the fact when Brad replicated it… He had gone to the lake, then went in the woods around the manor, and proceeded to scale the wall."

"HOLD IT!"

Patchouli groans softly.

"How do you know… that it was me who scaled the wall?"

Patchouli snorted. "Because you could have dug under it, clearly."

"But I… did not dig under it! What… would I dig under with!?" I boldly declare.

Patchouli facepalmed. "It was a humorous jab at the impossibility of you doing anything except scaling. Of course, such an abstract concept would be lost on one such as you…"

"But what if…!" I raise a finger high into the air. "...It wasn't just me?"

The fairy maids begin muttering amongst one another.

Patchouli stares at me dryly. "And who, pray tell, might have assisted you?"

"...It's a conspiracy! The Scarlet Devil Mansion did nine-eleven!" I shout.

"Just be quiet…" Remilia complained. "All this nonsense is giving me a headache…"

"When Matt was teleported out, he insulted me. When I tried to engage him- for trespassing, that is- Sakuya restrained me, telling me that 'this matter would be solved diplomatically with the Yakumo'."

I think I've said enough silly shit. I would like her to define 'diplomatically', though.

She nodded. "That's all I know."

...This statement is objectionable, but I don't think objecting to it would be a good idea right now. Mental note to object to it later.

I turn to Yukari to gauge her reaction, but she was asleep, drooling on the desk. Figures.

Remilia waved her hand.

"I take it you have no more stupid gripes to raise?"

I nod. "I suppose so."

- - End Cross-Examination - -

"You may go, Meiling."

"As you wish, Mistress."

Meiling walked off, making sure to exchange one last glare with me before leaving the room.

Remilia cracked her neck a bit. "Aa~h… Who's next, Patchy? I feel like this case's starting to come together…"

Little does she know, I shall reveal this ruse with a ruse of my own!

Patchouli answered swiftly. "Your sister."

Remilia blinks. "Ah… Flan-chan!"

Flandre floats into the room. "Hello!"

"Hi. Could you go into the witness stand for me?" Remilia asks her. "Also, tell everyone who you are."

Flandre floats into the witness stand…

"Hi, everyone! I'm Flandre Scarlet!"

...She turned to her sister. "...Remi~, I think everyone here already knows me."

Remilia shrugs. "Good enough."

Patchouli turns to Flandre. "...Could you tell us what happened on the night this man-" She pointed to me. "-visited your room?"

Now they're making me sound like a molestimagator.

"...Sure." Flandre nods.

I should be able to find a way to turn this around here…

- - Witness Account - -

"Well, I was spending time in my room, kinda thinking about how blown up the mansion's been…" Flandre began.

"It made me wonder why we don't just make it out of steel, or rocks." Flandre puts a hand to her chin…

"Anyway, this guy came through the main hallway to my room. He wanted to get across my room to the hallway on the other side. I told him he had to say please." Flandre added the latter statement with authority.

"He seemed kinda confused, when I think about it…" Flandre reflected, "I didn't think much of him at the time, though. He kinda smelled like old blood…"

That last bit is troublesome in a different sense. It shouldn't affect the case, though…

"...I didn't notice anything else that night." Flandre finished. "I was in my room for a long time… Was it even night?"

- - End Witness Account - -

"It was day." Patchouli told her.

"Eheh…" Flandre scratched the back of her head. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Remilia nods.

"OBJECTION!"

Remilia glances at me. "Objection overruled. Say one word, and you'll be held in contempt of my fists."

...Well.

Remilia took a moment to look at me closer. "...Oh, yeah. Cross-examination. You'd best not give Flandre a hard time…" She glares down at me. "...or it's not gonna matter whether you're guilty or not anymore."

...I feel like I'm treading thin ice, here.

- - Cross-Examination: Witness Account - -

"Well, I was spending time in my room, kinda thinking about how blown up the mansion's been…" Flandre began.

I have little to say but wonder if this was Brad's doing.

"It made me wonder why we don't just make it out of steel, or rocks." Flandre puts a hand to her chin…

You and me, both.

"Anyway, this guy came through the main hallway to my room. He wanted to get across my room to the hallway on the other side. I told him he had to say please."

"HO-"

...I look up at Remilia's scowling face.

"...E-EXCUSE ME!"

Flandre tilts her head. "Yes?"

"...I forgot if I ever said thanks."

She thinks for a moment… "...I don't think you did."

"...Well, thanks."

She smiles. "No problem!"

Remilia blinks.

...What the hell are we doing?

"He seemed kinda confused, when I think about it…" Flandre reflected, "I didn't think much of him at the time, though. He kinda smelled like old blood…"

"EXCUSE ME!"

Flandre smiled. "Hello again!"

Cuddly.

"You are indeed correct about the fact I was confused." I announced.

...Remilia rose a brow. "...I thought this was a cross-examination, not a self-testimony."

"...I happen to be the one on trial, here." I remind her.

"You're also the defense." Remilia argues.

"...Also, that blood part's kinda weird. I-"

"Don't talk about it." Remilia cuts me off. "Nothing that could bleed in this manor seems to be harmed, and none of the blood is of a scent I recognize. I know not what you do outside these walls, but unless the matter directly pertains to this case, I'll do little other than recognize the fact you've had blood spilt upon you."

Suddenly professionalism.

"...Alright." I let her have that. It shouldn't come up again, then. "But I was pretty confused, you see."

"Mmhmm…" Remilia hummed, calming down.

"...I didn't notice anything else that night." Flandre finished. "I was in my room for a long time… Was it even night?"

...I have literally nothing to say about that. I'll keep the fact she didn't leave her room in mind, though…

Remilia nods. "...I think that'll be all, Flan-chan."

- - End Cross-Examination - -

Flandre smiles. "Alright, Remi! Have fun with your court thing…"

Flandre floats off, proceeding to leave the room.

That was ultimately uneventful, but for good reason. Upsetting Flandre, Remilia, or both, would have likely resulted in becoming giblets. That would be most unfortunate for proving my case.

Remilia yawned. "Who~ next, Patchy…?"

Patchouli swiftly replied again, having little choices remaining. "Sakuya Izayoi."

Remilia snapped to attention instantly. "Oo~h… Saku-"

Sakuya was already in the witness stand. "Sakuya Izayoi. Chief maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"...Well, then." Remilia nods, satisfied. "Good. On point, Sakuya."

"I aim to please, Mistress." Sakuya did a little bow.

Patchouli looked relaxed. "...Could you tell us everything, Sakuya?"

"As you wish, Patchouli-sama." Sakuya readied herself to recount what she saw that day…

I think I've thought of a good way to tie things together, but I'll have to see how this goes.

- - Chief Maid's Account - -

"...It was a largely uneventful day, for the most part. Fifty-three of the maids failed to complete the standard quota of chores for the day, and were punished accordingly."

"One of these fairies was Marble-chan, the holy-elemental fairy with cream-colored hair. She neglected all of the duties of the later half of the day, including management of laundry loads thirty-two and sixty-two. According to eyewitness reports, which I have forwarded to Patchouli-sama, she was not seen again until afternoon the next day."

"Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, so nothing was touched."

"However, he displayed smug and venomous behavior, indicating that he knew, in some way, that his actions were undesirable. He had no reaction to the cellar's contents, not that I could discern."

"Despite these things, no one without proper clearance is authorized to know of the cellar's contents. All I can say is that it is a closely guarded secret, and the fact he has learned of it means he must be executed. It is that simple."

Sakuya turns to Patchouli. "I have finished my testimony."

- - End Chief Maid's Account - -

Remilia smiles warmly. "...Well! That seems like all she wrote! You have anything smart to say now, mister Matt?"

"...Yes. Yes, I do. I would like to begin my cross-examination now."

"Tch." Remilia rolls her eyes. "I leave it in your care, Sakuya."

"I'll do my very best, Mistress."

- - Cross-Examination: Chief Maid's Account - -

We've gone from thin ice to literally sliding around on ice cubes in the Antarctic ocean.

"...It was a largely uneventful day, for the most part. Fifty-three of the maids failed to complete the standard quota of chores for the day, and were punished accordingly."

Your specific numbers don't scare me…!

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya stares at me neutrally.

"...Your staff really suck, don't they?"

Sakuya bobs her head back and forth. "...In truth, yes."

"How can you trust them with anything?" I ask her.

"We typically don't. Certain situations reveal them to be more honest than others, even if they're extraordinarily lazy. Incompetence plays a role in that."

I see.

"One of these fairies was Marble-chan, the holy-elemental fairy with cream-colored hair. She neglected all of the duties of the later half of the day, including management of laundry loads thirty-two and sixty-two. According to eyewitness reports, which I have forwarded to Patchouli-sama, she was not seen again until afternoon the next day."

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya stared at me, as unreactive as last time.

"...So you don't know where she went at all?" I question.

Sakuya shakes her head. "No. She was seen again at approximately twelve forty-seven the next day, by Ganpeki and Komi. She sat up in the hallway, disoriented."

More information than I needed, thanks.

"Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, so nothing was touched."

"HOLD IT!"

Sakuya is stone cold.

"...Nothing was visibly missing, you say?"

She nodded. "The cellar is a very dark place. Your sentence implies you know that something is missing, however."

"TAKE THAT!" I point at Sakuya dramatically.

...She blinks.

I reach into my bag of things that I keep on me, and I take out…

...the bottle of Scarlet Wine.

Remilia's jaw dropped. "Where did he get that from…!?"

Sakuya nodded. "...So you stole, too. I felt as if something was wrong, too… I can't believe I hadn't noticed sooner."

I grin. "I can tell you exactly why you hadn't noticed, too."

"Do tell." Sakuya actually raised an eyebrow.

"Two reasons. One… it was too dark for us to see anything!"

Sakuya reluctantly nodded. "I haven't checked the functionality of the lights in a long time. I usually bring my own candles and lanterns. The lights that I do know work are too dim to make much of a difference."

"Two… fucking fluffles." Those words say it all.

Sakuya sighed. "...There were some fluffle-related losses, after all. That made determining theft among lower shelves difficult."

"But I stole from a higher shelf, that I know." I refute.

Patchouli snaps back to life from her boredom-induced coma at the prosecutor's stand. "W-what purpose does this train of thought serve?"

Sakuya nods. "The only thing you've done is label yourself a thief as well. Good job."

We'll see about that…

Sakuya updated her testimony to reflect our discussion.

"Mistress requested a fine wine be served. I accessed the cellar, and found an intruder. His presence did not require much effort to notice; he was simply wandering the halls of the manor's cellar. Nothing was visibly missing, due to how dark it was. I couldn't accurately determine any loss as mysterious; it was too dark to properly get a grasp of things, and fluffles were making a mess of the stocks. Apparently the intruder stole a bottle of wine, however."

Remilia had her arms folded. "Stealing from me. I can't believe it…"

"However, he displayed smug and venomous behavior, indicating that he knew, in some way, that his actions were undesirable. He had no reaction to the cellar's contents, not that I could discern."

I had no reaction to wine. There was indeed only wine!

"Despite these things, no one without proper clearance is authorized to know of the cellar's contents. All I can say is that it is a closely guarded secret, and the fact he has learned of it means he must be executed. It is that simple."

I slam my fists on the desk, as if attempting to embed it in the floor. That hurt, by the way.

"OBJECTION!"

Sakuya blinks. "What… exactly about that part was objectionable? The way I see it, it is all objective fact."

"The way I see it… I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about." I tell her.

Sakuya furrows her brows.

"You're talking about reacting this, and contents that… but it's just wine. Just because I know you have wine shouldn't mean I have to be executed!"

Sakuya's mouth hangs open. "...Wait, so you mean…"

Remilia connects the dots, as well. "He… didn't see anything. Huh. N-not that there was anything to see…"

The fairy maids in the crowd murmur…

Patchouli pauses, and levitates her empty teacup into the air…

It smashes onto her desk, shattering.

"H-hold it!"

...She pauses a moment to regain her composure. "You're still a thief, are you not? Surely such behavior cannot be excused simply because you've escaped the guillotine."

"OBJECTION!"

"M-mukyuu~!" Patchouli holds onto her hat as she jumps.

"I didn't steal that wine bottle because I wanted to!" I loudly claim. "I was put up to it!"

Remilia narrows her eyes. "...Didn't you say something similar in jest earlier?"

I grin. "Who said it was in jest?"

"Tch…" She folds her arms. "Y-you mean you've been alluding to it all this time…?"

I'm just now bullshitting it, and I conveniently left hints earlier! Though, my cover story is more well-thought-out than those arbitrary hints I just so happened to leave.

"Indeed." I'll still take what I can get, though. "I was put up to it… by three fairies! They go by the names of Sunny, Star, and Luna… I think."

Sakuya nodded. "The pranksters… They're known to be alcoholics, as well. That… checks out."

- - End Cross-Examination - -

Patchouli glared. "L-look, give me a clear accounting… Lay out the facts…!"

Very well. "Alright, then."

- - Defense's Account - -

Let's see...

"After a fluffle raid on Hakugyokurou ended, I was assigned to repair the Hakurei Shrine in Youmu's steed. Unable to do any handiwork myself, I tried to seek aid from the local fairies. I made a request- foolish at the time, I know- to these three fairies. They gathered a legion, and rebuilt the shrine."

"Afterwards, however, they demanded payment in candies and alcohol. I had none of the above, so they then forced me to go with them to the manor. Unwilling to seem weak, I kept smug behavior when interacting with any of the manor's residents."

"A certain cream-colored maid led me to the cellar when I asked about it. I have reason to believe she joined the rambunctious three fairies after the fact, as well."

"...That is all." I end.

- - End Defense's Account - -

Patchouli looked determined. "Remi! Allow me to cross-examine the defense!"

Remilia blinked. "But- that's not how it… whatever. Go ahead, Patchy."

Clearly the most proper of courts.

- - Cross-Examination: Defense's Account - -

Patchouli furrows her brows, holding one hand to her chin…

/ / / / PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

This seems like a rather intricate story that we simply didn't know about… Provided, there was that mysterious, unwarranted fairy attack on the shrine a few days ago that Brad fended off himself.

"After a fluffle raid on Hakugyokurou ended, I was assigned to repair the Hakurei Shrine in Youmu's steed. Unable to do any handiwork myself, I tried to seek aid from the local fairies. I made a request- foolish at the time, I know- to these three fairies. They gathered a legion, and rebuilt the shrine."

I'm unsure if they're that tricksy. It's been some time since I've conversed with wild fairies…

The fairies he described seem consistent, though.

"Afterwards, however, they demanded payment in candies and alcohol. I had none of the above, so they then forced me to go with them to the manor. Unwilling to seem weak, I kept smug behavior when interacting with any of the manor's residents."

"H-hold it!" I shouted as loud as I was able. It's been some time since I had to raise my voice this high…

Matt raises a brow and smirks.

I take a deep breath… "Y-you didn't say anything about Yukari in your testimony. Could you care to explain why you got her involved?"

He shrugged. "Considering it was either that, or getting turned into swiss cheese…"

...Fair point. I suppose the surprising part is that Sakuya actually went through with it. You never know with outsiders… There've been a few instances where Yukari's gotten attached, but those were all her pet projects. Matt seems more like one of those asshole cats.

...Pardon my language, but today has been rough.

"A certain cream-colored maid led me to the cellar when I asked about it. I have reason to believe she joined the rambunctious three fairies after the fact, as well."

"H-hold it!"

I'm going to have a sore throat after this…

"Yes?" Matt folds his arms.

"W-why exactly do you think she went to join the other fairies?" I ask. Surely, we can't just leave this a grey zone…

"Because she seemed quite intrigued by the idea of alcohols. I don't take it your fairies know about even the wine operation?"

If they did, it'd all be gone by now. There's merits to storing it down in dark, damp, artificial, and spooky hallways. Well, spooky to fairies, at least. The blood drainage plant is just kinda a thing after you know about it for as long as I have…

I look to the crowd of fairies around us.

"...They know now, anyway." I sigh.

Matt blinks, and looks at the crowd, too. "Oh."

Sakuya teleports away for a moment, then reappears. "The cellar has been fortified. This is the good news. Bad news is that we'll need explosives to undo the fortifications."

Remi waved it off. "I'm pretty sure we have plenty of explosives…"

The little mistress is probably all the explosive power we'd ever need.

"Besides, she mysteriously disappeared past noon, right?" Matt emphasized. "Clearly, she deserted the operation, as it were. Took off with her fairy friends to get drunk. Unfortunately for them, I managed to hold onto the bottle of wine, all because Sakuya teleported me out."

It all checks out, I suppose.

- - End Cross-Examination - -

...Remi looked down at the witness stand. "...You can go now, if you want, Sakuya. Your cross-examination is technically over, I guess."

Sakuya shrugged. "I'm fine with standing here."

I spoke up. "A-actually, I'd like to call a witness back to the stand…"

Remi tilted her head. "Hmm? Who?"

"That fairy maid that's being accused. She needs to confirm what Matt's saying is true."

"...I suppose." Remi nods. "Alright. Sakuya…?"

Sakuya disappears from the stand, opening it for the fairy to occupy. Remi smiles. "Good."

Marble makes her way back to the stand timidly…

"...H-hello, Mistress…" She reintroduced herself.

Remi ignored her.

I coughed. "...I would like to go back to your testimony."

Marble blinked. "What's a testimony?"

Remi sighed. "Genuinely…"

I facepalm. "...I suppose I'll just ask you questions directly, then."

I pause a moment to think...

"Do you know who Sunny is?" Patchouli asked.

Marble put a finger to her chin. "Uuhm… I know a few Sunny-chans. Sunnery-chan, Sunbell-chan, Sun-chan…"

"That's enough." I stop her from continuing. "...Mmm. Fairy names." Fairy names are always very generic and poorly thought-out, I find. Unless they're night fairies, then they're just poorly thought-out.

"W-well, I was going about my chores- I really was!" The fairy maid began.

"Ob-objection!"... I look around for something to slam the desk with.

I use my hands, anyway.

Slam!

...Ouch.

The fairy maid stares at me curiously.

"...Your statement," I begin, "contradicts the evidence!"

The fairy maid blinks. "...No?"

I remind everyone of Sakuya's report. "Your chores were not, in fact, completed. You told us you had completed them."

She flinches exaggeratedly, bringing her arms to her face. "B-but I di~d!"

"...No, you did not." I reiterate. "...Lying doesn't make things better, you know."

/ / / / MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Yes it does.

/ / / / PATCHOULI KNOWLEDGE'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

"...W-what do you want me to say, then!? Okay, look, I didn't complete all of my chores… but I did some of 'em!"

...That seems to check out. Though… "For what reason did you stop?"

"I dunno!" She waved her arms. "Everything blacked out after I gave that guy a tour!"

Hmmm… She doesn't seem to be cooperating. This lends credence to the idea she's doing something she shouldn't be…

"...I suppose the only person to be prosecuted here is you." I sigh.

Marble blinks. "...What's that mean?"

Remi looks down at her. "It means we're going to kill you. Repeatedly."

Marble takes a moment to process this… "What! No! You can't do that! I-I did my chores, Mistress!"

"...Half of them." Remi corrects her. "Not only that, but you actively conspired against the manor with intruders."

"I don't know what that mea~ns!" Marble wails. "Stop being fancy, Mistress!"

Remi jerks her head back, as if legitimately offended, but shakes it off. "You know exactly what you did, though."

"No, I do~n't!" She insists. "I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I do~n't!" She begins stomping the floor and crying like a child.

"Compose yourself. You're a maid." Remi commands her. "While you're at it, see yourself out of the courtroom. I will see to you… personally."

"No!" Marble shouts. "You're m-mean, Mistress! Really, really mean! I hate you!" The fairy girl begins glowing the same color as her hair, a light cream.

"Compose yourself, servant!" Remilia barks down at her. "If you do not, I will kill you myself, right here. Do not make me stoop to such unprofessional levels simply because you are being barbaric yourself."

The fairy girl stops glowing for a moment, and glares up at Remi.

"...Good. See yourself-"

Her eyes flashed a bright white.

"Holy Cross!"

The fairy floated into the air, and exploded into a pillar of holy flames. Near the top, the second part that made it a cross formed.

Remi held onto her cap, the giant flaming cross acting as a vacuum. "What the hell!?"

She dug into her desk with her nails.

Matt pulled out those pink scissors, and managed to grapple onto the side of the desk, it seems. Yukari didn't move at all, and I erected a stone pillar between me and the giant cross.

"Aaaaaa~h!"

The fairy maids screamed, and began fleeing the stands. Some got pulled into the cross.

Pi~chun! Pi~chun!

Within a minute, Marble's holy cross burned out, disappearing into thin air. She herself was absent, and so was the witness stand.

Remi sighed. "Remind me not to employ holy-elemental fairies as often, would you, Patchy?"

Duly noted.

/ / / / MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Remilia cracked her knuckles. She took a glance around at the mostly vacant stands, most of which Sakuya was teleporting around, cleaning up after her subordinates. She looked down at her supremely trashed podium, contemplating life or something.

"Well… I can't believe I'm saying this… but it looks like Matt's both not a willing thief, and not spying on our unmentionables. He's…

= Not Guilty =."

...She coughed a bit. "A-achk, the hell was that…?"

...I turn to the snoozing Yukari.

I pat her on the back, and nothing happens.

"Yuka~ri…" I try whispering into her ear. No response.

"...Wake up goldilocks!" I slap her hard on the back.

Nothing at all.

Alright, time to fondle her breasts.

I reach for one, and my hand promptly ends up in a gap before it even makes contact.

Snap!

...Ooo~uch!

I pull my hand out quickly, finding a mousetrap on my finger.

What the hell…

I struggle with it, and eventually pull it off. Yukari yawns and stretches…

"...Alright, so…" She looks around. "Considering you're still alive… I assume they decided a public hanging was in order?"

"As fun as that would be, no." I tell her.

"...Vampire food?" Yukari guesses.

"Not as fun, and no."

"...Tied to a pole and left outside? For the feral youkai to feast?"

"Not fun at all, and surprisingly, no."

She shakes her head. "Well, what are they going to do, then?"

"Nothing." I grin. "I'm innocent, you see."

"Bullshit." Yukari scoffs. "There's no way."

I nod giddily. "There is, in fact, a way!" It just involves going Ace Attorney and lying. A lo~t of lying. I'd probably be screwed if the actual Ace Attorney was here.

"...Right." She shakes her head. "Well, good for you… I assume you got the matter regarding my name cleared up?"

"Nope. You are now an outlaw, and a wanted criminal."

...She stares at me. "Very funny."

I try.

"...Remind me to speak with Yuyuko about your behavior later."

Sure.

I begin walking away casually. "Now, if you'll excuse me… I have places to be, people to see…"

I end up falling down a gap.

/ / / / SECOND REAL SCENE BREAK IN THE ENTIRE CHAPTER / / / /

I walk into the shrine!

"Honey, I'm home!"

I walk up to Yuyuko, who was talking with Youmu in the front lobby. I go to hug her, but my arms and body phase through her entirely.

She floats out of me. "Considering you're back in one piece, the trial went well, I take it?"

I nod. "Jury duty is boring. It was some boring case where a fairy maid accidentally swallowed all the Xanax."

Yuyuko nods. "Ooo~h, I see…"

Youmu blinks. "...Wasn't the trial about you, though?"

I furrow my brows at her. "...Why, whatever gave you that impression?"

"Yukari." Youmu bluntly stated.

Rolling my eyes, I take the opportunity to slander her. "Oh, please. We all know she's a busty trickster."

Youmu frowns at me, but says nothing. Curious gesture.

"Well, Youmu baked us a cheesecake!" Yuyuko adds excitedly.

I must locate this delectable pastry.

"...I ate it." She clarifies. "It was good."

...How do ghosts even eat?... Give me back my cheesecake!

I lean over, and reach into her stomach, finding nothing but ghost-matter. Ectoplasm, was it? Whatever…

Yuyuko giggles. "Awwh… I can have Youmu bake you another one."

Youmu stares at me blankly. I have a feeling that, if Youmu was forced to make me a cake, she'd fill it with razors.

Yuyuko stared at her gardener/cook/indentured servant, sensing the animosity. "...Maybe we could just buy one, instead. Or have Yukari bring one!"

I'm pretty sure the latter option would change it from razors to exploding razors.

"...I think buying one would be preferable." I decide.

She smiles. "Good… Where should we buy it from, though?"

...Is there really anywhere else but the human village to shop?

Youmu turned to her. "Do the Oni make good cheesecakes?"

Yuyuko blinked. "...I wouldn't think so."

The half-ghost shrugged. "Just a thought."

Where was she going with that? Well, before she suggests we find one at the bottom of a lake, or something…

"How about the human village?" I suggest.

"Ooo~, why didn't I think of that…?" Yuyuko beamed. "We should do that!"

We. Who is this 'we' character? "...I am confident I can buy a cake myself." I tell her.

She smiles, shaking her head. "O~h, no no no… You see…"

"If you kill another human being in cold blood, I'll have to kill you where you stand."

She finishes her sentence in the same manner she began it. Smiling and cheery.

I hold up my arms. "It's buying cake. It's not like I'm gonna make it out of the blood and guts of the innocents… Do you take me for some kind of crazed killer?"

Youmu mouthed 'yes'.

"It's not that…" Yuyuko begins. "But it's exactly that."

Fun.

"...Someone of my nature has lived and witnessed death too many times to count. It's simply a shame that someone such as yourself does not see the beauty a life can hold, when even someone as dead as I can."

When did we begin reciting sappy poetry? People die all the time, it happens. I doubt my actions make a difference in this cycle, regardless of my reasons. The deaths of others, to be honest, should be none of her business.

"...But enough of those things." Yuyuko changes the subject. "We're going to go buy a cheesecake. You can hold the fort here, Youmu."

Youmu nodded. "Yes, Yuyuko-sama."

So it's going to be me and Yuyuko this time. This should be interesting…

We make our way to the front stone pathway…

"Yukari~..." Yuyuko calls out to nothing.

A gap opens ahead of us, big enough for us to walk in.

"Thanks, Yukari~n…" Yuyuko thanks her friend, somehow.

We walk into the gap…

/ / / / NUGGETS / / / /

The gap drops us off inside some building. I don't necessarily recognize this hallway…

Behind us is wall, to the left of us is wall, and to the right of us… is wall. Ahead is a door leading outside.

Yuyuko floats up to the door, and opens it, floating out.

...Couldn't she have just floated through the door? Actually…

"...I don't think the villagers will be comforted if they see a ghost floating around." I tell her.

She blinks. "...Aaa~h, right…"

Her ghost tail shifts into a pair of legs, complete with a skirt of some description.

Outside, the day is dim, and the ground is caked in snow. Said snow is steadily accumulating…

"...Looks like fun." I comment, gingerly stepping out into the snow in an effort to not get snow in my shoes, pants, and soul.

I wasn't successful in any of the above, by the way.

Yuyuko glances at me, but continues forward down the narrow alley ways this door led us to. I turn back to the building…

It was the Golden Grin Casino, apparently. I'd like to ask why there's a tiny section of hallway that leads to nowhere around the backside.

I follow Yuyuko to the main roadway, which is largely devoid of villagers, due to the snow. Some are shoveling the areas around their houses, which seems like a rather futile effort when it's still snowing as we speak…

Yuyuko turns to me. "Say, do you know where the village pastry shop is? I haven't been here in quite a few years…"

I have no idea in the slightest. I shake my head.

"...I suppose we'll have to ask around, then."

She spots a town guardsman.

"Sir! Sir!" She calls out to him, approaching him.

...The guardsman takes one look at her, then jumps back about a foot. "Y-Yuki-onna! In the village!?"

Let the good times roll!

Yuyuko blinks. "Yuki-onna…?"

The guard draws his sword. "Stay back! I-I'll stick a torch to you!"

Yuyuko pouts. "Awwh… All I wanna know is where I could find some pastries…"

He pauses, shifting about in the snow uselessly, as Yuyuko slowly walks closer to him…

He jabs once Yuyuko gets close enough, and the blade sticks right through her chest.

Yuyuko doesn't react much. "Hehehe~!... Please, sir, I just wanna find some pastries…"

The man dropped his sword, which fell out of Yuyuko. Stepping back, his face became one of absolute horror. "Y-you… you monster! This must be the Greater Yuki-onna they foretold!"

He began running. "F-fire! We need fire!"

Some villagers look out from their homes.

"There's a fire?"

"Isn't it snowing…?"

"F-fire…?"

...Yuyuko blinked. "...The village is a lot more…" She pauses, trying to find the right word…

"Stupid? Ignorant? Uncivilized?" I suggest a few words…

"Uncultured." Yuyuko decided. "...Do you really not have any ideas? We might be out here awhile otherwise…"

While that news meant little to her, it meant a lot to me, since I am both alive and able to feel the cold.

I am able to feel the cold, let me tell you…!

The nearby villagers went back into their homes and about their business, probably having assumed the guard was off his rocker, because they did not see any fire.

Well, there is one place...

I nod. "I have an idea. Follow me, Yuki-onna."

Yuyuko is oblivious to my jab at her, unfortunately.

We make our way to a quaint single-story home on the west edge of the village. This is the home of Sekibanki, and she should be able to aid me…

I knock on the door.

I knock harder.

"Yuyuko, use the skills you have acquired in your long career of being dead to open this door."

Yuyuko blinks. "...Why~?"

"Our informant is inside and uncooperative." We are to slap her silly with your paper fans to rouse her from slumber.

...Yuyuko shrugs, and floats inside.

Click.

The door opens with Yuyuko on the other side, her hand in the lock. If only it were that easy for my previous encounters. Locks and I were not friends; we were enemies.

I walk inside the dark house, noticing no one in the living room. Bah…

I knock on her bedroom door, and receive thuds on the other side.

The thuds persist for a moment, then stop. Footsteps slowly grow louder on the other side…

The door swings open, and a tired Sekibanki looks at me, clad in pajamas.

"Wh-wuh…?" She squints at me, rubbing her eyes. "...H-how the hell did you get in…?"

"I contracted the aid of the undead." I gesture to Yuyuko, who is simply staring at me blankly, likely judging my actions.

"..." Sekibanki nods drowsily. "...Ghet ou~t."

"Before we go, do you happen to know the location of a pastry goods store?" I ask her.

...It's also the middle of day, I think, so I'd like to inquire why she's both sleeping and in her pajamas.

"...East. Third building from center… Nashi's something-or-another…"

There we go…

"...Now go." She folds her arms.

When you put it that way-

Yuyuko smiles. "Very well. Thank you very much!"

"Mmm." Sekibanki nodded as Yuyuko floated out, dragging me by the arm.

Killjoy.

Sekibanki sighs. "Dreams are weird."

/ / / / PASTRIES / / / /

We continue down multiple paths because I have no idea where the hell east is, despite referring to the path Sekibanki's house was on as the western one. I have no clue how the village does directions, so I just had to wander around in the snow like an asshole.

By the time we found the place- dubbed Nashi's Pastry Platsfrum- I was shivering like hell. It was the kind of cold that didn't bother you because you were out in the cold so fucking long it all just kinda blended together in one big moment that you could summarize as 'cold, painful, and sad'.

By the way, what exactly is a 'Platsfrum'?

The bell of the door rang behind us as it closed.

Yuyuko looked around the shop, "Ooo~! So many different kinds…!"

There were indeed lots of pastries on display here. I'd like to ask how the shopkeep can afford about three cakes on display in a store that likely has no refrigeration or storage of any sort.

"...Ey! You come in, you buy, yes!?" The shopkeep yells from the counter. It's some debatably mature man who looks like some jock from a high school, complete with swooshy douche hair. He's speaking in an Italian accent, even though he looks grade-A American.

The human village is full of dubious characters, it seems.

"Everyone buys Nashi's pastries! I'm Nashi!" He pokes himself in the chest with his thumb. "Who do we have here, huh? We got, uh, boo- I mean, beautiful over there…"

Yuyuko takes out her fan and unfolds it, covering her face as she smiles.

"...And we got this dude!" He gestures to me. "...No offense, but you're not dressed for winter, my friend! If only I sold clothes, huh? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I don't sell clothes. I sell pastries! Nashi's pastries, at your service!"

I feel as if this guy just likes to hear himself talk.

Yuyuko walks up to him. "Hello… We would like to buy one of your finest cheesecakes."

He nods. "Alright, she buys! Everybody buys! Nashi's pastries…!"

...Is he alright?

He goes to the back door behind himself, and opens it up. Snow bellows in through the open steel door that leads outside for whatever reason.

"Hey, Walter!"

"Yaa~h?"

"We need one of the- one of the… Cake! Cheesecake!" He shouted over the snow.

"Aah!" Walter replied in grunts, apparently. He was also seemingly just outside in the snow for no particular reason.

He closes the steel door, which lightly vibrates the room as it closes.

"...Give 'em a moment. Five minutes, tops. Walter is a craft master- master of craft, I mean!"

Yuyuko nods. "Very well."

...We stand in silence for a few moments, Nashi lazily wiping the counter, pretending to be busy.

"What exactly is a 'Platsfrum'?" I ask.

Nashi turns to me, pausing a moment. "...It's- it's a fine word, you know. On the outside, they say it means beauty. Perfection. Nashi's pastries are only best pastries."

"...That sounds made up." I fold my arms.

Nashi stares at me. "...Well, the hell do you know 'bout the outside? They say it'sa land of all humans! What could get better than that? No offense, miss youkai." He apologizes to Yuyuko, assuming she was a youkai.

"...I happen to be from there." I tell him.

"Ah, they all are." He replies in jest. "Hey, I happen to be from there, too! They eat from gold platters everyday!"

I crack my knuckles. It is time to show this pseudo-Italian bastard logic the old-fashioned way.

Yuyuko holds her arm out, extending a fan to block my way. "He happens to actually have come from the outside." She answers. "It is… an interesting place."

Nashi instantly calms down and puts his arms on the counter. "Oh, do tell, do tell…!"

Yuyuko smiles. "I'm sure he could tell you more than I can…"

Nashi waves his hand. "No, no, miss Yuki-onna, I want you to tell me!"

Yuyuko sighs, her smile becoming a bit more awkward. "Perhaps it's best if we drop this discussion, then."

...He turns to me. "I blame you for that."

I begin marching towards him, only for Yuyuko to hold me back telekinetically. Magic is troublesome.

Nashi looks around, annoyed, then goes to the steel door again. He puts effort into pushing it open…

The door opens, and he shouts outside. "Walter! Where's the fuckin' cheesecake!?"

"Aaah!"

"You-... You gotta give me the cheesecake, man! Hurry up, dude!"

"Aaah!"

My curiosity is slowly growing. What the hell is Walter even doing out there?

The room vibrates as Nashi slides the steel door shut.

"...S-sorry, Walter is lazy sometimes." He answers sheepishly. "No-good kids, right?"

Walter did not sound like a kid, a teen, or even a human adult.

Yuyuko hummed. "Mmm… I suppose. I'm reminded of someone I know."

Nashi slams his hands on the counter. "Who is it!? Can I have her address- you're a youkai- can- can you send her to me!? Is she like you!?"

Yuyuko blinks. "...Uhh… Actually…" She hides her face with a fan. "You give me an idea, for later."

Nashi grins. "Hubba, hubba…!"

I don't even. "Who are you?" I ask the sad, strange little man.

He turns to me. "...I'm Nashi!"

"...What are you?" I clarify.

He frowns. "Ey, who the fuck are you? Yeah…"

He looks over to Yuyuko, and mouths 'do you know this person'.

She doesn't reply, or even acknowledge the fact he mouthed anything to her. She proceeds to fan herself, even though it's snowing outside.

Nashi shakes his head, frowning. Then, he turns to the door again. "Fuck, man…"

He swings the steel door open again. "Walter! You motherfuck!"

"Aaah, graa~h!"

"That's it, Walter! I'm coming over there!" He leaves the store and goes outside. We can hear them shouting from inside…

"What the fuck is this!?"

"Aaa~h!"

"Dude- Dude, no! You broke the- oh my god, dude…!"

"Aaah!"

"Y-you… What the fuck, Walter!? You're fired!"

Silence.

"You're fired, Walter! It's over! You blew it!"

"Graaa~h!"

Bam!

Nashi flies through the wall, flying past us. He lands on a table of cakes, and it breaks under him.

Thud.

"F-f… Fu~ck!" Nashi wails, sloshing about in ruined cakes.

From here, Yuyuko and I see an amber light shining from the snowy mist ahead. Slow thuds are heard, and Walter comes into view. He had to have been eight feet tall, and his head could be best described as some form of furnace. A grate, his face, revealed fire on the inside.

"Aaooh…" Walter raised a large wooden block with his pale grey arms, and slammed it down.

Bam!

The counter was flattened in the center, the other two ends shooting into the air and embedding themselves in the ceiling.

Nashi blanched. "W-Walter… L-look, I'm sorry, we can- can… We can talk this out!"

"Grrooh…" Walter paused.

Nashi bolted from the cakes, and ran to the door. "You're fucked now, Walter! Fuck you!"

He runs outside. "Guards! Guards! Youkai! You~kai!"

The flame in Walter's face rages bright. "Groooah!"

I dodge to the side as Walter barrels past us, going right through Yuyuko and out the door.

...Well, through the door.

Bam!

Off into the snowy evening he went, to chase down his boss.

"I guess this means free food." I add. There were still some untouched cakes along the walls…

Yuyuko nodded numbly, unsure of what to make of the situation.

...I went outside to see what 'Walter' was working on, but all I found were smashed wooden shapes, what looked like an oversized stovetop, and-

A pool of lava. Was this a medieval forge, or what?

"...I don't even want to know." I also do not see cheesecake of any form out here. It will be a mystery to everyone how the man with a furnace for a head made tiny pastries with a stovetop as large as a house itself, and a pool of lava.

I didn't know finding cheesecakes was going to involve ancient voodoo magic and questing.

Yuyuko magically lifted the cakes she wanted from the shelves. She hovered out to meet me. "We should depart… Still, this was fun!"

Define fun. Last time I checked, freezing half to death, getting insulted by an insane pseudo-Italian, and getting nearly run over by a living furnace did not qualify as a valid form of 'fun'.

Yuyuko brought a hand to her mouth. "Yukari~n!"

A gap opened in front of us. Yuyuko guided the cakes in first, and floated in herself.

...I fold my arms, and decide to walk in a different direction, only to fall into a gap.

/ / / / THE MAN WITH A FURNACE FOR A HEAD / / / /

I still didn't get my fucking cheesecake. Provided, we had a variety of other cakes now, but… still. We set out on a quest for a cheesecake and got multiple cakes that weren't cheesecakes.

I am disappointed.

"Youmu, we're ho~me!" Yuyuko called out.

Youmu looked into the kitchen, and her jaw dropped. "Y-Yuyuko-sama!? W-wh…"

She walked inside, and looked at the plethora of cakes. "...H-how much… did this all cost?"

Yuyuko smiled. "It was free. You see, the pastry shop was actually closing, so they were giving away everything for free before they finally closed for good. Apparently the economy of the human village is rather cruel to the luxury businesses…"

"A man with a furnace for a head tore it down." I elaborated.

Youmu stared at me dryly, before nodding. "...Well, if they were all free, then I guess it's fine. Did you need to take so many, though…?"

I look back to Yuyuko, who was apparently halfway through a cake as we spoke.

...Youmu blinked. "...Nevermind."

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

CHAPTER 31.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

Scarlet Wine - A fine bottle of wine accented with a dose of drip-collected and processed blood. How much is uncertain. The bottle itself is freakin' burly.

(1 more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED AN AUTHOR'S NOTE THIS TIME.

(not like it MATTERS)

...don't ask how i thought up the final scene with NASHI and the MAN WITH A FURNACE FOR A HEAD.

hopefully the phoenix wright parody trial didn't overstay its welcome; those things tend to be pretty BURLY

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

everything that just happened can be summarized in one simple phrase:

i don't even.

this was an entirely friktastic chapter- not like it's a bad thing. i might even like this chapter better than the one in the golden grin casino

also i think the nashi and walter scene deserves an oscar

p.s. who even reads these