(in which we ruffle fluffy hats)

"It is time to make the donuts."

Getting up from the fire, I take out Tundra Bloomer. "Today I shall dig a hole! Horizontally!"

Marisa looks up at me. "...Sure."

Moving through the destroyed everythings, I go outside Marisa's house bits and approach the wall of snow.

"Now it's down to you and me, you snow… freaks… freak?" Should it even be plural? Whatever…

Also, I'd like to remind everyone that it's stupid cold. Not that stupid cold anymore, but… stupid cold.

I begin digging at the snow by buffing myself with Tundra Bloomer, and then attacking the snow. Gradually, my swings dig through it.

Progression of things! This excites me!

In retrospect, I feel like my mindset was a bit too much of blaming Marisa for things earlier. I mean, I still think all the hate's a bit unjustified, but I should probably aggress the mage less, and start aggressing myself.

After some time of eagerly brutalizing the snow, I find something solid!

"Tree, ho~!"

How to cut it?... Different story entirely. I'll cross that bridge later. For now, I'm just gonna clear out the snow around it. I'd use the fire hanger, but I don't have enough mana to work with. That, and I'd run the risk of catching the tree. I don't think a frosty forest fire is a good way of building a house…

In a few moments, I've cleared out the snow around it. I have come to the reality that I have zero tools for house building.

I whack the tree! The big, burly, Forest of Magic tree that happens to uh...

That's freakin' frozen, yo. Nevermind building the house, how am I gonna harvest the resources!? Unless Marisa wants a nice igloo, we're boned!

I walk back inside.

"You're still here?" Marisa dryly asks. "I thought you split thirty minutes ago."

"Nope." How can it be thirty minutes if you don't have clocks? "I tried mining in the snow for tree bits."

She snorted. "How many trees didja find?"

"One. It's freakin' frozen."

"Heat it up, then." She rebukes.

"How." I stare at her pathetically. "Help, friend."

She shakes her head. "No."

I bring my arms up for gestifications! "Friend, please, I buy you slovakian king in new country! Help out me, do!"

"You're a mage, aren't you?" She scoffs. "Figure it out."

"I am but a shitty wizard." I tell her. "All I know how to cast are nuggets. And the famed A.R.S.E. mines."

It'd kick serious ass if I could actually cast A.R.S.E. mines, but to be honest, I'd probably kill myself accidentally moments after I acquired them.

"The what…?" She rolls her eyes. "Use that, then."

This is freakin' difficu~lt! "Friend, I have been here a month, and I don't know shit about magic!"

Marisa finally grins. "Damn right."

"I would like to humbly request your help, friend." I ask of her. "I scratch your back, you scratch mine?"

"Except I'd be the only one doing the scratchin'." Marisa argued.

Well. Maybe…

I shrug. "I'm good at sidequests, yo. I can run errands like no one could ever believe." Sometimes. If I feel like it.

"Then build me a house."

"Except that one!" I smile sheepishly.

"Thought so." Marisa sat down on her bed. "You said you'd build me a house. Build me a house, then."

Oh, boy.

"Bu-"

"Build. Me. A. House." Marisa declared with finality. "Don't think of talking to me 'till then, 'kay?"

...I've got an idea.

"...Alright, friend." I get up, moving to leave. "I'll be back."

"Su~re." She sighs.

Readying the yin-yang flail-o-copter, I fly away from Marisa's house into the cold-as-balls winter air…

"'Bout time." Marisa stood up, ready to go about her things. "Better not come back…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I walk into Rinnosuke's shop!

"You there!" I point at him.

"Me here." He points to himself.

"Ho ho!" I exclaim. "I need a pound of Elmer Fudd!"

"I'm sorry?"

Freakin'...

"Glue." I reiterate.

"Oh." He nods. "Fresh out. Not really, we've been out for awhile. Thanks to you."

Oof…

"Do I have to make another blood pact with Yukari?" I ask him. Last time I did, she wanted me to fight a ghost that was like, nine thousand levels higher than me.

"If the last one went well, she probably won't." He explained.

Daw.

A gap opens! "You rang?"

I get in her face. "Me and Marisa, trying to make friends! Need a pound of super glue! Interesting prospect, yes?"

She nods, "I suppose…"

"Supplies please." I hold out my arms!

She shakes her head. "...I'm not simply an easy fix to your problems, I hope you realize?"

Oh, shit.

"...Well… You're a sponsor!" I exclaim! C'mon, gimme this one, yo...

She glances at her nails for a moment. Except, she's wearing gloves…! "Nope. Hardly an observer."

Woah, no.

She yawns. "My rest is quite delayed, and while I could give you what you want… I think I won't. Because I likely won't be watching. Tata~!"

With that, Yukari's gone.

...No super glue, then. Guess I need a new plan!

"You heard the woman." Rinnosuke lifts his book again. "No glue."

"No glue? Me sell to you slovakian king…" I rest my head on his desk.

"No glue."

Hmmm… I could try the duct tape in Reimu's shrine, then.

"Alright, yo. Guess I'll just... mosey on out." I get up, and leave the store. Rinnosuke stares at me curiously as I depart.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I open the door to the Hakurei Shrine, entering through that big laser hole Marisa left in the snow.

Reimu's there, sitting under the kotatsu, as she was when I left.

"...Welcome back." She idly greets me. "Too cold out there?"

I shake my head. "I need duct tape to build Marisa a house because friendship reasons!"

Reimu blinks. "Slow down there. What's this about Marisa?"

...Walking up to the kotatsu, I sit down. "So, she wants my head on a pike, right?"

Reimu shrugs. "I guess. She's talked poorly of you once or twice, but I keep telling her grudges aren't healthy. I'm not sure if she's listening, but she's stopped complaining about you. That was awhile ago, though, back when you trashed her house."

Mmm… "So I wanna build her a house to make up for it, yo. Because she still wants me to burn and all that."

"Sounds good." Reimu nods. "How's it coming?"

...I grin sheepishly. "I dunno how to build houses. Like, at all."

She snorts. "Surprising, considering your penchant for building weird things."

You see, I am but a hobbyist, not a professional! "Well… yeah. I came by to nick duct tape from the box. I'm planning on making a hut out of duct tape and tiny wooden blocks."

"...That might just make her more angry." Reimu considered. "Whatever you think works, though. I'm not getting involved."

Hyonk. "It's the thought that counts, friend."

"Sure."

I get up from the kotatsu, and move towards the kitchen. Let's see here… Twenty rolls should do it? I think? Let's go with twenty…

I pocket the twenty, and as I do, my subconscious gives me a new idea!

Marisa might get that igloo after all…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

My yin-yang flail gets caught on the chimney bricks. I didn't ever see a fireplace in the house, even! Why's she have a chimney just suspended off a few boards of wood!?

"Woaa~h!"

Thud. Not my most graceful landing…

Marisa jumps at my sudden presence. She seems to have been rummaging through the piles of books in the destroyed portion of her house, salvaging things. A lot of them were highly damage resistant, thanks to Patchouli, because yeah, they were all freakin' stolen.

But we won't talk about that!

"..." Marisa wordlessly glares at me. "Back for round two?"

I nod. "I come with building supplies."

"Where are they, then?"

I begin pulling out duct tape…

She scoffs. "You're joking."

"Hey, hey, hey." I begin, "I'm no good with wood and a hammer. But I am good with duct tape."

"You can't make a house from that stuff." Marisa states outright.

...I shrug. "I'll freakin' try, yo. I'll freakin' try."

Wooden blocks and tape'll be one part, yes, bu~t…

"How cold is it, outside? Temperature wise, I mean."

Marisa shrugs. "Beats me."

Friend, you're no help. "...Guess I'll find out!"

I sit down, and begin generating some wooden blocks. I make a pad about ten blocks wide, and ten blocks across.

"...That's gonna take awhile." Marisa comments.

Grinning, I defend my choice of action. "I have ways."

Good defense, right? Best argument.

Marisa nods. "I'm sure you do."

I've been bested!

I duct tape the blocks together, and flip them over. On the bottom, I stack walls around the edges that are, like, five high.

Marisa's stopped paying attention at this point, digging through books. She grabs a few, and moves back to her room with them, before coming back and grabbing more.

Once I finish my weird tub of blocks, I look up to her. "Hey, Marisa. I gots a question."

"Mmm." She hums unenthusiastically. "Yeah?"

"...You know any enchantments to stop ice from melting? For like, good?"

She shakes her head. "Got a book on it, somewhere. Don't really care."

Good enough.

I take out Deep Blue, and hold it over the- wait. Pausing, I take more duct tape, and really lather the small indent thing in it. To make sure none of the water gets out.

Now I hold Deep Blue over it, and twist the valve just enough for it to start flowing in at a good rate. At this, I nod with satisfaction.

Marisa eventually comes to check things out once she hears the sound of water plopping into a bucket. She stares at what I'm doing. "...What are you even doing?"

"It is hydro-construction." I tell her. "It's one of the many ways of the old country."

"Really?"

I shake my head. "Nah, I'm just screwing with you. I'm testing an idea towards getting a new building material, though."

She nods, slightly irked. "I… see."

With the tub filled up and sufficiently leakless, I pick it up and move it outside, placing it in the snow.

"Now we wait for it to freeze!" I exclaim, only to realize Marisa didn't even bother to follow me. Now I feel stupid.

Now… I'm gonna need a lot more bricks, and thus, a lot more holders, depending on how long it takes!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Marisa probably went to nap, or something, I've just been making nothing but brick holders en masse for like, an hour. Or something.

What I basically do is just repeat one section over and over again and then piece them all together. It works quite well, 'cause I have like, fifteen now.

Placing them outside, I realize the one I sat outside is now fully frozen. It is, infact, freezing temperature!

"Yeaa~h!" I jump in place, then curse myself because all the warm air in my clothes decided to continue going up and not come back down. "Noo…"

I retreat back inside!

...Well, about as inside as a pavilion and some tattered walling is, anyway. Actually, you know what I should do…?

I go back outside, grab one of the frozen blocks- well, the entire mold and block because it's kinda stuck together- and take it 'inside'.

A few taps from Swift Brand break the ice from the duct tape, and I lift it out.

By the way, ice is cold. Hands don't like cold!

"Yo yo yo…!" I protest, quickly moving to the part where the walling of Marisa's room stops, and placing the ice block against it.

...I'm gonna need a lot of ice blocks. Holy frik.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MARISA KIRISAME'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Aaa~h… It's still cold as hell. I hope I didn't sleep the whole day away…

What I was I doing again?

I idly scratch my cheek, looking around. The fire's out, too…

Wait wait, that's right! I was angry about that wannabe mage asshole! He's probably gone, now. I probably came off as weird, but I honestly don't care. The guy's full of himself, no two ways about it.

I probably won't see him again for a few days, anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. Those books really need to get moved inside here, though. It's a miracle so few were damaged after everything that's happened…

I open up the door outside- what the fuck.

Before me is a production line.

Stacks of books created an even rectangle, going from the 'inside' of the house and looping all the way around what used to be the front wall. The corners had a ton of books stacked to make a angle to direct the mold things.

Brad had those mold things going all the way around the entire line. What he did was pour water into one of the molds from a large bucket, push it along, then take the next frozen mold, break the ice from it, and plant it off to the side somewhere. From there, he filled the mold with water again, and pushed it right along.

Like this, he mass-produced ice blocks.

"Hello, friend!" He waved to me. "Welcome to the fluffy production company!"

Speaking of fluff, there was a fluffle chilling in one of the recently filled water buckets. The thing'd freeze!

"...What." I double-took, then realized he actually had a sign hung up above him that said 'Fluffy Production Company', in English. It was probably written with my ink!

"We make ice." He explains. "We're cool like that."

"...I'll bash my head in with a block now." He grins.

So he's actually building me a house. Out of ice cubes.

"...You wouldn't happen to have any mittens, would you?" He asks. "...It's fookin' cold!"

"Why." I ask.

"'Cause it's co~ld!"

"No…" Freaking… "Why are you actually making me a house?"

"...'Cause it's co~ld!" He repeats.

This guy… "...You're not gettin' anything from it, you know."

"I get to see fluffles bathing in water until they become blocks." He shrugs. "I think that's its own reward."

...True, I guess.

Looking around, I notice he's started a small segment of wall already. The ice connected seamlessly…

"How'd you make the ice like that?" Really. I thought he said he didn't have any tools…

"A few taps with my fire hanger, yo. Thawing and refreezing only works if you're making crude ice structures, as it turns out."

Huh.

He had to have like, fifty blocks beside him right now.

...I watch the process for awhile.

"...I wish there was freakin' music." He complains. "Then this would really be jammin'. Like, factory music or something. I dunno how to describe it."

I have no idea what he means, but I feel like music would be unfitting. Whatever floats his boat.

"Alright, I should probably start stackin' these bricks." He carefully slides out one segment of the assembly line so that he could move out. He lifts each brick one by one, clumsily lugging them to the wall, and tapping them with the fire hanger to lock them in place.

"It's a long process," He begins, "but it's better than freezing my ass off flying around."

He walks up to the piles of bricks, and a fluffles is now standing on the top, 'running' towards him while flailing its limbs windmill style. It's not going anywhere, though.

"Cuddly." He grabs it and hugs it, then tosses it aside. "You might have a small fluffle problem, too."

Probably because of that one I brought home earlier. I mean, c'mon, they're so ti~ny!

Um. Yeah.

"It's gonna take awhile, ze." I tell him. "You sure you wanna keep doing this?"

I'm surprised. Genuinely surprised he's gone this far. I don't think I would've. Then again, I could've just gone and asked the fairies, or maybe Suika, to build something for me. I probably could've asked one of those people to build my house.

Brad probably could've asked one of those people to build my house. But instead, he's here, actually building the house.

Out of ice.

He stops production of blocks for a moment, staring at me as I stare at him.

"...Hm." He shrugs, and continues. "Say, you have any luck with that ice book?"

"The what, ze?" Say what now?

"The book, with the ice, and the not melting!" He elaborates. "Things!"

Oh, that. Right…

"...You didn't even start didja?"

I shake my head.

"Alright, yo. Well, it's probably one of the parts of the line, anyway. Try'n float around it and look at the books, if you can. I'm just gonna be makin' blocks."

...I lean over and begin examining some of the books he's using. Numerous have no details on their spines, however, so it's not like this helps at all. I honestly have no clue where I put that book.

I still can't believe he actually followed through.

Moving around the side of the production line, I see that fluffle who was bathing again. He was now, indeed, frozen in a block of ice, stuck in its bathing posture.

"im warm to the touch" it told me.

I poke it.

Not anymore, it wasn't.

"Any luck, yo?" He asks.

"Nope." I sigh. "Got no clue…

"We probably have, like, a week to find it." Brad reflects. "Things seem freakin' cold right now."

I guess he's not as much of an asshole as I thought…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

The sun begins to set, and I've only made, like, that dinky bit of wall that stretches from her room to the right side of the house; from there begins the first real wall.

"Jesus…" I chuckle. "I'm gonna be here awhile. We need someone to freakin' enlist Cirno, or something. That'd make this job trivially easy."

Marisa gives me a half-smirk. "I knew you'd get tired of it eventually."

I shrug. "Well, I'll still do it. Just a lot slower, and I'll be bitchin' and moanin' the entire time. Give or take a few second winds."

At this point, I may as well build my own ice castle. If I could automate this process, I'd literally have infinite ice bricks. I'd just need Marisa to enchant them… if we ever find that book, mind you.

Placing them is also pretty tedious, 'cause they're not big, mind you. Well, they're big, but not big big. Not as convenient as stuff like logs or boards, 'cause they're bricks.

She snorts. "I hear ya."

"We really do need to find that book." I reflect. "That's kinda critical to making sure this thing doesn't melt."

"I don't even see any destroyed bits of it, meaning it's intact somewhere." Marisa explains, "I dunno where, though. The last time I opened it up was like… a while."

Woah, no.

"It was over here, it shoulda been in this pile…" She gestures to a nearly entirely gone pile of books. "...Wait."

She turns to me. "...You took it."

Wat. "I took it?"

She nods. "When you made that run for Patchy…"

Oh, balls. Of course.

"That'd figure, wouldn't it?" I slouch.

"Yeah." Marisa grins.

"Whelp, we've got two options." I begin.

Marisa puts her hands on her hips. "Those are?"

"We ask Patchy for the book back nicely…"

She snorts. "Good luck, ze. She said she didn't wanna be disturbed, remember?"

Was there a time frame on that, or did she just tell us to sod off for the rest of eternity? Probably both, but y'know… "Option two, is that we freakin' clean her clock and find it by force!" I emphasize my point by punching my fist into my open hand.

"...Whatever works, ze. I'm goin' to bed right now, though." Marisa gets up, and moves to the bedroom. I briefly pondered if she could make a fire, then remembered she had a mini-hakkero. Pretty sure that thing could create infernos!

That did give me an idea, though…

"...You can sleep in my room, if you want." Marisa offers. "On a few conditions…"

I'm tired, but tired is the best time to do what it is I plan to do!

I stare up at the chimney, where my Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter is still stuck. "Hey, Marisa…"

She sighs. "I was kinda talking to you, y'know."

"How viable would infiltrating the library at night be?"

She blinks. "...Not very?"

Perfect.

"Also, can you get my flail down from there?" I point at it. "...I can't jump that high. Help."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I land in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gate. It's a peaceful night, all things considered. A pale, but bright, blue glow washes over the land, brightened by the sheer volume the snow adds to the night time air.

Not even crickets chirp, because they're all probably dead.

Well, it would be a peaceful night…

...if I wasn't getting chased by a huge ass squad of night fairies holy fucking shit!

"Leave, me, alo~ne, noo~bs!" I yell back at them, dropping my flail as I touch down and pull out the Youkai Inconveniencer.

"You're ours, now!"

"What a gaudy weapon…"

"Y-you might need a-a… heheh, makeover…"

I like their designs, though. Some are, as that fairy said, gaudy, with purple sparkles and crap that make them look like drag queens, but a few others actually do the dark look right. They got like, bags under their eyes and look all sickly 'n' creepy, but in a cute way. Also, bangs that cover one or more eyes. That's probably like, night fairy one-oh-one.

Meiling is… not here, apparently! I assume she gets sleep breaks at certain intervals and things. Or something. I really dunno how it works.

That means infiltration could be easy, but on the other hand, these fairies probably would rather nothing than to explodinate me.

Danmaku sits on the tips of their fingertips as they float around me menacingly.

"Nowhere for him to ru~n! Nowhere for him to ru~n!"

"Hahaha! We trapped him!"

I hold up the Youkai Inconveniencer. "Item crash! Holy cross!"

Fwaa~sh! I did the thing with the flash, and yeah!

"A-aaa~h!"

The screaming means it worked!

I pick up the flail again, and hover over the manor gate while they're stunned. They eventually catch wind of what's going on, and fly over the gate to chase me.

I run backwards, gazing up at them as they float up the gate, when I suddenly hit something while retreating backwards.

Attempting to turn around, arms wrap around me!

"What are you doing here?" Meiling neutrally inquires!

Gots me an excuse this time! "Chased by night fairies. Help, friend."

...Reluctantly, she lets go of me once she sees the fairies.

"...It's visiting hours, anyway." She grins at me. "Try not to piss anyone off this time."

No promises!

I run into the mansion as Meiling goes to war.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I wonder if Patchy's still awake. If so… shieut.

If not, good!

I'm praying it's the latter! Negotiating might not be my strong suit…

I see Ha-chan in the lobby, still conversing with the same group of friends even though I left literally like a freakin' day ago.

"So that's when I was all like, 'veeroow'!" Ha-chan exclaims, bringing her hands together for some reason.

"Ooo~h!" The fairy maids I dunno all gush around her.

...I think I'll just let her do her thing. She'd be detrimental to the operation.

I walk forward, and Sakuya.

"Hi." I greet the new friend!

"Hey." She greets me. "...I thought we had an actual visitor for the evening. It's just you."

I nod. "I'm fluffy."

"Did you come to lodge or otherwise?" She folds her arms.

If lodge, she'd probably show me to a room, so~... "Otherwise?"

"Such as?"

The dreaded! Please, no! No! Noooo~!

"...Otherwise." I affirm.

Sakuya stares at me dryly.

"...Oh, god, otherwise." I shake my head slowly. "...Otherwise. Otherwise! Otherwi~se! Aaah, aaa~h! Aaa- ough!"

Sakuya slaps me on the back of the head. "Cut that out!"

Pain!

"...You'll disturb the peace." She glares at me.

I look at Ha-chan and her friends.

"-So then, I exploded and died, becoming one with an electric maelstrom!" Ha-chan finished excitedly, flailing her hands in the air.

Her friends nodded approvingly.

I turn back to Sakuya. "...I think they're already disturbed."

She snorts. "I suppose you don't need any help, then."

With that, she vanishes. She's not wrong!

I begin walking through the halls to try and locate the library doors…

...and I end up in front of Remilia's room. I wasn't even on the bloody second floor. Oh, frik, the place is getting its groove back!

I run away in an attempt to reach the stairs back to the first floor, but I just wind up right back in front of Remilia's room!

I open a random room door, and another room in the same hall opens at the same time. I stare at it for a moment.

…This better not be what I think it's gonna be…

I walk into the door, and instead of entering the room, I just come out the other open door. I close it, closing the other one I opened earlier.

Okay, now that was a page from my book. Remilia, please.

...I guess I got no other freakin' choice, then!

I walk up to Remilia's door, and open it up.

"Oh?" She looks up from her tea table, smirking. "I see someone has decided to pay me a visit, this chilly evening…"

"As demanded by the hallways." I tell her. "A.k.a, you."

Ignoring my jab, she continues. "What brings you around these parts?"

...Wouldn't it be obvious to her? I usually come for knickknacks and paddywhacks! "Nuggets." I dunno what to say. I'm not gonna admit I came here for some thefting.

She grins, but raises a brow. "...Too harsh and cold out there, for you, I take it?"

I nod. "Yes. Me and a friend were out there, a~nd he got hit. By, infact, multiple trucks."

"Well-"

"And died." I finished.

"Well, since I am feeling generous this evening, you… may stay. But only at a fee."

Oh, boy, fees! I love fees! Especially when they're free fees!

Fuck fees.

...Freakin' weird word. Fee. Fee~!

Remilia continues. "You are to pay me. Five thousand yen per night." She demands.

"Feee~, he~! Heehee~, heehee~!" I sing.

Remilia just stares at me, deadpan.

"I'm freakin' broke." I inform her outright.

Remilia grins widely, likely having expected this. "We~ll, in that case, I might have a… proposition, for you."

Listen, kids? Never strike a deal with a vampire. Unless she's a loli vampire.

"Fla~ndre!" Remilia calls for her sister.

Flandre emerges from the closet.

...Was she just sittin' in there, or what!?

"Hello!" Flandre greets us! "What is it, Remi?"

"I might have someone who can help you. With your… ahem, 'security measures', I believe you called them."

Flandre beamed. "Really?" She turned to me.

Oh. Ho ho.

"...Hi!" Flandre waves to me.

I stare at her.

Flandre turns to Remilia, whispering to her. "It-it's him, right?"

Remilia glares at her, whispering back. "Of course it's him! Why else would-"

She notices me staring.

"A-ahah, yes…" She grimaces to herself.

Dent in the charisma armor!

"Anyway, you are to help Flandre. As long as you are to help her in any way she deems appropriate, you may reside here."

I forgot if we had any previous deals that let me come by and stay here. Remilia probably woulda just worked around it with loopholes, anyway. Freakin' fluffy-hatted politicians.

"Sure." I agree to those terms, if it means I can construct more stupid crap. I wanna see fairy maids mindlessly fly into cartoonishly large spikes. I also really need to stay for thefting and things!

Remilia smiles. "Excellent. You are to follow Flandre."

"Ya~y!" Flandre gets up and moves to the door. "C'mon, Brad!"

She excitedly grabs my wrist and- woah! Slow down, friend! Yo, yo, yo~!

==== FREAKIN' GENSOKYO ====

We wind up back in the manor foyer.

"I wanna fix up this place," She begins, "but I dunno how. Spikes would kill the guests, and pits wouldn't look good."

"Moving platforms?" I suggest.

She bobs her head back and forth a bit. "Eeh… A bit like pits, isn't it?"

"But with an annoying ladder to climb back up on." I elaborate, grinning.

"Oh, that's good…" Flandre rubs her chin. "...Still."

Darn.

"Flamethrowers?" I try.

Flandre giggles. "I wish!"

I nod slowly, my eyes widening. "Bombs."

"...I don't think so." Flandre disagrees. "It's supposed to be puzzling, not crippling. I mean… I'm fine with that, but maybe not this early in the manor. Maybe in front of Remi's room."

Yes, we need a bomb generating machine that just makes the hallway to Remilia's room a big ass blast zone.

"Boobs." I try with equal resoluteness.

"No." She shakes her head. "...No."

Hmph.

"...Auto defense turrets?" I guess.

"I would, but we don't have the resources." Flandre looks dissatisfied. "Then we coulda just put those on the walls and been done."

Wait, really? "Couldn't Patchy throw some up?"

"She said she'd have to constantly reapply them, and that they could be dispelled." Flandre shrugged. "I think she's just lazy."

I think so, too. That, and mechanized turrets, by that logic, could just be EMP'd. In that event, add sensors or something that tell you when the thing freakin' went kaboom. Now it's an alarm!

"Oh, yeah, I need a book from Patchy's library." I shall tell her my quest!

She tilts her head. "She's asleep right now, though…"

"And?" I grin.

Flandre frowns. "Stealing is wrong."

Uh oh. My obstacle is now an OP loli vampire. I think my number's up, yo. "...But, I need need it. Like, it's somethin' I need to borrow."

"I'm not stupid." Flandre glares at me. "You just wanna steal from Patchy."

Please, no! "L-look, I'm makin' a freakin house out of ice, and-"

"No. Stealing." Flandre grabs me by the wrist.

That grip! Bloody jaws of life, her hands are! Jesus!

"...No stealing." I tell her.

She releases my wrist. "Good! 'Cause if you stole, I'd have to tell Patchy, and Patchy would tell Sakuya, and Sakuya would tell Remi, and Remi would just sit there and drink more tea!"

...That's not an entirely bad course of events.

She continues smiling. "I'd also have to stop you. And I'd probably hurt you."

Nevermind.

"...I really do need that book, though, yo. It was one of the ones I recovered for her from Marisa, too."

Flandre furrowed her brows. "...Sounds made up."

You're made up, you freakin'...

"...C'mere." Flandre moves to the next hall, gesturing me to follow.

Oh, boy.

She stares at it thoughtfully. "...You know what this needs? Bear traps."

...Yes. Yes it does.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SEVEN'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There he was again. That man.

The man who tried to traumatize me… who tried to hurt me…

With boxes. Yes…

It was all under the guise that he wanted to free me from the fear of boxes. But… he doesn't know. None of them know what happened. That day it captured me… it killed me.

I've died a few- well, many times before. But that was the scariest of all. Because I didn't know if I'd ever be free. To a fairy like me… freedom is everything.

...Aside from my indentured servitude. I kinda really don't care about that anymore.

But to be trapped in a box? Life would be hell.

Today, though… today, it all changes.

Boxes were my greatest fear…

And boxes would be the conduit for my revenge!

The little mistress and the man, they were traveling the hallways, much to my pleasure. I know not what they discuss, but it doesn't matter, because, today, tonight, whatever it is, it all changes.

I will show the man… why I am afraid of boxes. What boxes did to me. What boxes could do… and what boxes have been doing.

I'm terrified. I'm more scared than I've ever… well, I don't remember far enough to actually say that. I'm more scared than I can remember, at least.

I sit around a corner, occasionally peeking around it to judge how close they are. The vampire and the human, they're coming this way…

To best the man, I have crafted the ultimate weapon. I stacked boxes onto one another, all with an open side. Days of planning have lead up to this final, decisive moment.

They could lash out at me, at any moment, I know. And I know, if they did, no one could save me.

It was a chance that had to be taken.

I had to show them.

I'll show them.

"A-a-ah…"

Here they come! Do it! Now!

Push!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

As we rounded the corner, a box abruptly fell on me!

"Flandre, I'm being bamboozled!" I exclaim. "Send the army!"

I hear the tumbling of boxes to my right. "Noo~!"

Whoever the fairy was that pranked me, she just squealed.

"...That's actually a good idea." Flandre observes the boxes. I lift the one that landed on me off, and see her eagerly walk up to the boxes. "This is great, actually! We can order some cardboard, and make uniform blocks from them!"

I don't think that'd work unless you filled them with bricks.

"A-aaaa~h!" A fairy screams, trapped under a box. "L-let me out, let me out, lemme-ohahaha~!" She eventually degraded into gibberish wailings.

I think I know who it is, too…

...Flandre stares blankly at the wailing, and lifts the box.

The fairy maid freezes, eyes dilating from the light. Hehe~y, it's Seven!

"...M-mistress…"

Flandre tosses the box away. "...You gonna be okay?"

Seven nods. "Y-yes… Th… Thank you, mistress…"

She gets up, and hugs Flandre. "Thank you, so much! I-I don't know how, b-but… Thank you!"

Flandre looks to me, smiling awkwardly. "U-uhm… It's nothing."

Seven lets go of her, backing away awkwardly. "W-well… I-I don't know how I could repay you… but I'll do anything you ask me to!"

...She was kinda in that boat to begin with. You know, being in servitude to the manor, and all…?

Flandre grinned. "A~nything?"

"...Anything." Seven nodded.

"You're with us, then." Flandre decided. "We are to devise jumping puzzles."

Seven shrugged. "O...okay, I guess."

Flandre paused, and looked her in the eyes. "...With boxes."

Seven paled.

Flandre, you tiny freakin' mad man.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We near the library! Oh boy, oh boy!

"...I need that book." I repeat once we near it.

"No stealing." Flandre repeats just as promptly.

Noob.

I roll my eyes, and Flandre takes notice. She goes up to Seven. "Stealing's bad, right? Right?"

Seven nods. "I am only agreeing because I am required by our agreement to do so. I guess it's agreeable as a whole, then."

Flandre beams. "See? Stealing's bad, Brad! Don't do it!"

That moment when a four-hundred ninety-five year old vampire talks to you like a kindergartener but is actually smarter than you are by hundreds of years. I think we can all relate.

Flandre walks up to the library door. "I do wanna see if we can do anything about the library, though. Patchy's asleep, so it should be fine!"

How is that any different from me stealing shit!?

She turns to me. "Unlock it!"

...Why me?

I walk up to the door, and jiggle the handle. It's locked.

...I take out Tundra Bloomer, and hit it!

Pi~ng!

Very, very locked...

Flandre puts her hands on her hips. "I thought you were better at this…"

I buff myself, and rush the doo~r!

Ping! Ping! Pi~ng!

"...Wow, that actually is very, very locked." I admit. Patchy did not want anyone busting in, it seems.

...I turn to the wall. "Only one way to go about doin' this!"

Sakuya appears. "No."

Stuff! In the way! Including you! Aarrgh!

Flandre smirks. "Yes."

Oh, he~y…!

Sakuya stares at her vainly. "Mistress, I advise you to reconsider…"

Flandre brings her hand to her chin. "Hmmm… okay! Brad, break the wall!"

Sakuya sighs.

Hehehehehyo~nk!

I attack the wall!

Pi~ng!

Oh. Shit.

She knew. The clever bastard.

Sakuya grinned. "...Looks like my presence was unneeded."

"...Sakuya, I know just how to break this." I begin.

She tilts her head. "I doubt you know how. I'll humor you and watch, however."

I snap my fingers. "Sakuya, we need a box."

Seven frowns. "Why…?"

Sakuya tilts her head, in a different direction! It's like a brand new Sakuya!

"It is for science." I tell her.

"The last thing you did for science was a disaster." Sakuya summarizes. "I'd rather not dignify such a request."

A new, meaner Sakuya! ...Or maybe, the same, mean, Sakuya.

Aight, fine. "It's to break the magical lock…" I mumble.

"...Better, I guess."

Sakuya vanishes, and returns with a cardboard box.

"Wawawa-aaa~h!" Seven wails, backpedaling into a wall.

I take the box from Sakuya. "C'mere, son! I'm gonna make ya a new fookin' box!"

Seven shakes her head erratically. "N-no! Stop! G-get, get… gaa~o!"

She slides to the floor, completely terrified. "M-mistre~ss! Hehehe~lp!"

...I turn to Flandre, and toss the box on her.

She casually walks forward and bumps into the wall next to Seven.

"Y-y… M-mistress…" She paled. "N-no…"

I think she thinks Flandre was trapped!

"W-why!? Why, why, why!? Why would… why would y-you do this!?" She covers her eyes with her hands, sobbing loudly.

I still feel bad for this little fairy friend. She's freakin' terrified of life, and she's one of the few marginally rational ones.

She goes silent, jittering against the wall as water clearly flows from under her hands, which she's still got clamped firmly over her eyes.

Deja vu! Back away from critical fairy slowly...

"N-no…" I hear her meekly begin. I run up to Sakuya and hide behind her, to her curiosity.

Sakuya turns to me. "What exactly do you think-"

"Shhh…" I shush her. "Brace yourself for impact, friend."

She glares at me, when-

"STO~P!"

There we go!

Sakuya stumbles back from the magical force unleashed by the fairy maid. She braces her arms as she slides back into me.

Oo~h!... Vanilla scent! Fitting, fitting…

Seven floated in the air as velvet energy swirled around her, again. Her slot machine eyes rolled through the cycle of colors…

"Mi~stre~ss!" Seven roars her sorrow for Flandre's predicament.

Ding! Looks like a yellow eye!

Ding! All yellows, son!

"Lucky Bolts!" She shouts, propping her arms to her sides.

Thwaa~sh! Thwaa~sh!

Both bolts she shot from her arms gravitated into the magical ward on the library door, and walls.

Bam! Boom!

Both stricken points exploded, leaving holes in the wall.

I clap. "You did it!"

Sakuya turns to me, staring at me expectantly.

However, Seven just got more pissed. "No, no, no, no, no!"

She began stomping on the floor, and her eyes began rolling again.

Ding! It's red! Oh, boy…

Ding!

...Blue? She's got dichromatic eyes now!

She floats into the air. So if blue is Lucky Freeze, and red is something fire related… then that'd make…

"Lucky Tsunami!"

Seven floats into the air once again, and now a shuriken of water rotated around her.

Sakuya freezes up.

Water! That's not so bad, I guess. I wonder why Sakuya paused like that…

With a blink, Sakuya and Flandre are out of the radius of the shuriken's spinning, which was throwing water around everywhere and creating an ever expanding puddle on the floor.

Oh, right. If that hit Flandre, there uh, woulda been hell to pay.

I stand in the waves of water as her attack dies down…

"You!" She points at me.

I look around. "...Who? Me?"

"I-I hate you!" Seven barks, glaring at me. Her red eye flickers out, and becomes grey, interestingly.

That's like twice in two chapters people have declared undying hatred for me! What'd I do!?... I mean, aside from relentlessly torment her just to get past my own obstacles?

Now I feel like an asshole.

"Die!"

Now, that last one I can't do, yo.

Seven floats into the air again. Her eyes begin rotating once more!

I take out Swift Brand and prepare myself for abysmal luck. She'd probably get a fire storm or something…

...Ding! Red eye. Calling it now, fire storm.

...Ding!

Well, it woulda been a fire storm, but her other red eye is still grey.

"A-ah…" She lands on the ground, her legs buckling slightly. "F-fire…"

She shoots a single fireball at me, which I step aside of.

It strikes the library door, which catches on fire, the magical wards fried.

Sakuya is immediately on the scene with buckets of water to extinguish the flame before it goes anywhere, likely anxious of another inferno.

Seven's other red eye flickers out. I see what's goin' on… This is how she's limited. After a few slots, her rotations begin losing power. If she gets all greys, I think she can't cast anything.

I take this moment of weakness to charge at her before she unleashes anymore wicked magics on me.

I double jump, and swing downward!

Suddenly, she stumbles out of the way. "W-woah!"

I miss by a hair.

Oh, please, no.

I stand and kick at her, and she happens to slip and stumble out of the way. "A-ah!"

This lucky son of a bitch!

"Alright, yo…" I send a gust of wind from Swift Brand at her, and it knocks her over. She lands in such a way she easily gets back up.

"I won't let you push me around anymore!" She glares at me, determined.

Floating into the air, her eyes roll again.

Ding! Ding! Thunder and ice.

"Lucky Storm!"

I'm sorry?

Clouds begin forming along the ceiling of the manor's hall…

How is this ice!? I don't see no ice!

Thwaa~sh!

A bolt strikes the floor near me, causing me to leap out of the way.

This isn't fucking ice! None of it is!

I run up to her while the storm takes place, lightning bolts striking along my steps. When I reach her and swing, a gust of wind blows me back from the clouds.

"You cheap freakin'..." Stop manipulating the random number gods to make me miss constantly!

Seven grins. "Today I shall have my revenge!"

Thwaa~sh!

I drop Swift Brand as a bolt strikes it, charging it. It lands on the floor and produces a tiny charged blast.

Bam!

It was loud, though.

"Ho ho!" I exclaim. Potent stuff!

Her blue eye flickers out as the storm comes to an end. No more Lucky Freeze!

"I won't lose! I-I can't lose!" Seven grits her teeth, floating into the air again. I move to hit her, but her body contorts radically simply to avoid my hits, and her eyes roll again.

...Grey, a~nd… grey!

She falls to the floor, and her legs give in on her.

"N-no…"

Bad RNG. I know how it goes, yo.

I walk up to her, and gently push her over, and she falls back, crawling away. She then kicks upward, hitting me in the chest!

"Ough!" In the gut, dude. Critical hit. Where'd that even come from!?

I stumble backwards, and she stands up shakily. "B-back off…"

I put my hands up. "Yo, easy, lucky ducky. It'd be bad taste to torment the tormented!"

Wordlessly, she gets back up, and runs away. A short while later, she begins flying again.

Sakuya walks up to me. "...That could have gone very wrong."

Yeah. If she got all reds, like, the first time, the whole mansion would be ablaze. Again.

To that, I nod. "Yeah, it could'ave. Good thing I got good RNG."

Sakuya tilts her head. "RNG…?"

I nod. "RNG. Like, Random Number Generator. Or, in this case, generation."

She nods. "...Sure. That means?"

"It means I'm a lucky bastard." I simplify.

"You should have just said so." Sakuya deadpans.

When your opponent manipulates luck itself, it's actually really hard to tell whether you got lucky, unlucky, or the vice versa for them… It just ain't right, yo.

In any case, holes in the wall.

Flandre floats back in from the sidelines, gazing down at the water. "...We need a hallway just filled with water."

I like how you think, Colonel.

Sakuya stares at the hole in the wall. "...Well. What's done is done, it seems. As the mistress… wills it so." She gives a strained smile to Flandre.

Flandre shrugged. "If he didn't find a way, I would have opened the wall myself."

Sakuya paused. "...Why the wall?"

"Remi doesn't want me to break doors." Flandre smiled smugly. "...No one said anything about walls."

Hyonk.

"...What if I said something about walls?" Sakuya tried.

Flandre shook her head. "Then I could say something about walls, and my say is bigger than yours. Say no more, or say far more. Say say, what do you say?"

Sakuya is unfazed by Flandre's sudden bastardization of the word 'say'. "Very well, mistress. Please remember that I must clean up after you, however."

Flandre's face softened. "Don't worry, Sakuya. I'll only break what I need to break. Or have Brad break it."

Sakuya doesn't look very reassured from that. Though, if Flandre was Remilia, she'd probably go 'it is your job to follow me around and fix broken walls'. Such is the difference between the sisters!

Flandre moves through the hole in the wall, and I follow her.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aah, the library. Feels more like a dungeon with all the candles and things out. I assume magical light switches are a thing, and only Patchouli can operate them. And Koakuma, by extension.

The candles, torches, and everything all flicker to life the moment we pass the first book shelf.

Nevermind, motion activated!

"Ooo… That's always cool." Flandre smiles in satisfaction at the lights. "We'll keep those. But, this floor…"

She gestures to the carpeted floor between the shelves. "It has to go."

"What difference does hardwood and carpet make?" Sakuya questions, leaning on a nearby bookshelf.

Where'd she come from!? She didn't float in after us! Freakin' hacks!

Flandre shook her head. "No, no... I mean, the whole floor. Gone."

I grin. "Yeah, just shafts that lead down to nothing but like, a tiny stone landing. There you go."

"Exactly!" Flandre nods. "Just, like, a fifty foot drop. Or something…"

Sakuya disagrees. "It would pierce the basement, mistress."

Flandre paused. "...You're right. Darn. Well, we'll just make it drop a bit into spikes or water or something. They'll get the idea."

The idea that we want everyone who enters the manor to die a gruesome, clumsy death.

"I don't think Patchouli-sama would be pleased…" Sakuya tiredly adds.

"Is she ever?" Flandre counters.

"...Point." Reluctantly, Sakuya agrees.

I hear clicks nearby. Flandre pauses, as do I.

...Koakuma walks out from around some shelves. She puffs out her chest, gazing at me. "Sneaking into the library, Brad? Why… and Sakuya." Koakuma realizes I have brought friends. "And… Flandre." She nods slowly. "...I'll go get mistress. I'll be just a se- Aae!"

Flandre grabs her by the leg. "No."

Koakuma knows better than to lash out at her, so she just stays still. "...Alright."

"You will come with us." Flandre decides, "And you will help reinforce the defenses."

Koakuma is taken aback by Flandre's resoluteness, which I might add, does feel a bit like Remilia's own assertiveness. Vampiric dominance, I suppose.

"O-okay…" She stutters out in response.

"Good!" Flandre smiles. "...Actually, can you check out books on behalf of Patchy?"

Ooh?

Koakuma furrows her brows. "Uhm…"

I run up behind Flandre, and Koakuma sees me. I then draw my hand across my neck multiple times, pointing between her and Flandre.

"...Y-yes. Do you need just one?" Koakuma decides, intimidated.

"Yeah." Flandre nods. "I think. Right?" She turns to me.

I nod. "Yeah. It's about making ice not melt for a long ass time."

Koakuma pauses. "...I think I've seen a few like that. But…" She looks back to me, smirking. "We're fresh out. Sorry. Come back another time."

Koakuma, you're a scumbag.

I shake my head. "I returned the books myself, yo. Marisa doesn't have it, so you've gotta have it!"

She grimaces. "Well… A-actually, I think Patchouli doesn't let me check out books, so~..."

Flandre frowns at her. "...No lying."

Koakuma shakes her head. "I'm not lying, mistress. I'm simply changing my answer." At that, she grins smugly. "You wouldn't be displeased with a servant for a reason as petty as a misunderstanding, would you?"

Koakuma's charismatic attempt at logically disarming Flandre goes right over the little vampire's head. "That's just a funny way of saying you're lying, and that I'm being mean. You might be right, but sometimes you have to be mean."

Flandre starts walking towards her. "Show us one of the books. Please?"

Koakuma shows distaste. "Hmph. Very well…"

She starts walking ahead leisurely. Sakuya folds her arms, looking satisfied by the exchange. I suppose I am, too!

A few minutes of following a very, very slow and lazy Koakuma, and we get absolutely fucking nowhere.

It also just occurred to me that sneaking in without any idea of what the book looked like or what language it was in was probably a doomed operation from the get go. Freakin'... I woulda had to go to someone eventually!

"...Mistress, I have… a question." Koakuma starts a discussion while idly scanning a bookshelf, leaning over as she does so.

"Hello!" Flandre exclaims.

Koakuma giggles. "Yes- I wonder, how long can you hold a note?"

...Flandre takes out a random book. "Notes are lighter than books, and I can hold books a long time. So~..."

"I mean singing. Your voice. How long you can sing." Koakuma deadpans.

"Oh." Flandre smiles. "Easy! Aaaaaa…"

Suddenly, Koakuma doubles back and lunges at Flandre, taking out a pink potion.

"Aaa-mmph!"

"Surpi~se, little vampire!" Koakuma grins. "Drink up…!"

Sakuya lunges forward, surprised. "Mistress!"

Holy shit, it's an assassination attempt! "H-hey!" Yes, my weak shout will do things! This is what I get for chilling out for a few scenes!

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

Crack!

Knives flew into the bottle, sending liquid and glass flying.

"Kyaa~h!" Koakuma leaps back, before Sakuya is at her throat.

...Flandre sits down, seemingly spacing out.

Sakuya notices. "Three good reasons why you aren't to be put to death."

I walk up to Flandre, a little cautious. Like, is this really happening? Freakin' sudden.

She blinks. "...Blueberry. But it was pink! You got it all wrong."

Oh.

Flandre stood back up. "It was tasty, though. A little too tasty. Yuck." She licked her lips a bit, seemingly trying to get the taste off her tongue. "Like perfume. No one wants to drink perfume."

Koakuma looks to her in horror. "W-what… The-the potion…"

Sakuya snorted. "Apparently didn't work. I thought Patchouli-sama told you to stop making love potions."

Love potions!

"A-ah, you see, um…" Koakuma looks around frantically. "I-it was a request!"

"I want names." Sakuya narrowed her eyes, leaning in on her.

"B-Brad! He wanted it!" Koakuma shouted. "I swear!"

I sigh. Sakuya, as I predicted, hops right in front of me and looks ready for war. "Explain."

"She's lying, you freakin' twitchy hooligan. I didn't even know those pink things were love potions, but I guess it'd figure."

It'd also not explain why she tried to bamboozle Flandre, but there's only so much you can say in a few sentences. At that, Sakuya teleported back to Koakuma. "Any last words?"

Flandre walked up to them. "Stop."

Sakuya slouches visibly, but complies.

"...I have an idea."

Koakuma grins. "Try me, mistress. I know you wouldn't be cruel to me."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Pastel-blue book in hand, I grin as I walk out of the library.

Flandre walks out with her new weapon of choice!

Koakuma stares at me dryly, fully fed up with her situation to the point of not caring. She has become a succubus on a stick, tied by her arms and legs!

I turn to her. "...What was your plan?"

She doesn't follow. "What?"

"The frik was your plan!? I mean, if you succeeded in making Flandre lovey dovey. Like, what the hell'd you do, then? I'm pretty sure Sakuya would instantly turn you to swiss cheese the moment she noticed. Then, whatever happened wouldn't matter, 'cause you'd be dead!"

She turned away. "I-I don't know!"

Freakin'... The succubus of ill-devised plots!

Sakuya took off earlier once Koakuma was satisfactorily tied to the post. From there, Flandre got her to take us to at least one of the anti-melt books.

At least, I hope it is. None of us bothered to check validity!

Flandre stopped abruptly in the hallway.

"Hi." I greet her.

"Hello." She greets back. She then looks to one of the shadows in the hallway. "Hello to you, too."

...A night fairy slinks out from the shade, now visible. Jesus, that fairy was a freakin' good hider!

"...H-hello…" She stammered out. I couldn't tell if she was nervous, or just socially inept.

With that, Flandre smiled and resumed walking.

Okay, then, I guess!

I follow her, and I notice the night fairy slinking along behind us. She was one of those who actually got the dark look right, with the bangs over one eye and the bags under her eyes- wait…

She was that one fairy who wanted to give an, ahem, 'makeover'.

I don't think her pursuit is promising…

We eventually reach the front lobby. Flandre sticks the pole Koakuma's tied to into the floor.

"There. Now you can greet the guests!"

Koakuma turns to me, and mouths 'help'.

I shake my head.

'I'll make it worth your while'.

No, no you won't. That, I'm sure of. Freakin' shady succubi, yo.

Actually, I've got an idea.

Holding my arm up, I call upon my mana pool!

"Hah!"

Poof. Crusty pillo~w!

Koakuma vainly stares down at it. "...Why would you even?"

"I'm fluffy." I explain.

Flandre approaches the pillow… but quickly backs away, clutching her nose. "O-oh! Ugh… w-what is that…?"

...Then, she glares at it. "It's stupid."

She brings her hand out, and closes one eye. She focuses on the pillow…

KABOOM

My~ ears are ringing. Tha~t… wasn't necessary, I'm sure. Ouch.

Koakuma shows similar discomfort.

I feel something cling to me! I turn and see it's the creepy night fairy from earlier.

"H-heheheh…" She giggles to herself. "C-come… with me."

"No, friend. This is not how kidnapping works." I inform her. I lift her up- she's actually pretty light, fairy and all- and walk a few steps with her. "This is how kidnapping works."

"O-oh…"

I put her down. She tries the same with me, and I comply, sitting in her arms. She then falls forward, unable to hold me, and we both end up on the floor.

"S-sorry…" She seems legitimately disappointed. She even apologized to the person she's trying to kidnap!

"You can go sleep, now." Flandre tells me. "I…" She yawns. "I wanna go take a nap. I feel kinda funny."

Uh. Yeah. Go take the nap, you. Just don't tell me what you do before it. Or after it.

Please. It-it's not for me, it's for the reader's sake.

The creepy fairy giggles. "Heheheh… Y-you make me… feel kinda funny…" She then hugs me. Why do I always get the creepy stalkers?

Ha-chan suddenly looks away from her friends, who are still in the lobby for some reason. Her fairy sense is tingling!

"...Night fairy!" Ha-chan yells.

All the fairy maids suddenly perk up, and stare straight at the night fairy who clung to me.

"Night fairy?"

"Night fairy!"

"They're attacking!"

"Oh, no! Get the mistress! Chief, chief!"

Oh, boy. The pot has been stirred!

Koakuma just wiggles on her pole, looking worried. "A-ah… Help! Someone!"

Everything's gone to shit! Danmaku bullets start flying towards me, intended for the night fairy. I break from her, and run for the door.

Pi~chun!

"They're invading from the shadows!"

"Search everythi~ng!"

They're actually all mobilizing appropriately! I stop myself before I open the door. They seem to all be ignoring me, instead becoming vigilant for their night counterparts.

...Well, if they're not gonna shoot me, I don't give a shit! I do a sassy strut as I slowly head for the guest bedrooms. I never got assigned one, so I'm just gonna find a random one and plop down on the bed. The fairy that belongs to that bed can join me if she wants. The only thing I'd get upset about is if she brutalized me in my sleep.

After aimless wandering, the halls no longer directing me anywhere concrete, I find a random room. This seems like a multi-fairy one, with rows of beds lined up along the walls and evenly spaced apart. A few fairies were even sleeping in some.

I pick a bed, and plop down in it. "Aa~hh…"

Fluffy beds…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Gingerly, I approach a camp fire. Around it sit figures, eight feet tall, at least, features obscured by the fire.

I sit down in the open space in the middle of one of the four logs around the fire.

...The figures all turn to me. They are eight foot tall fluffles.

...I wave to them.

They all turn back to the fire.

Nervously, I stand back up, and the fluffles get irritated. They then start to slam their faces into the fire, and the entire forest catches!

"Oh, shit!" I reach for my sack, but I don't have a sack in this dream!

...My legs are gone, too!

Aah, aaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Oi! My legs are gone!"

I sit up with a bolt, looking around. Ha-chan is splayed across the bed, outfit disheveled. On top of her is another, red-haired fairy maid, looking even more battered.

Another fairy sits up in her bed just as suddenly. "I know right!? No one'll believe me, my legs're gone!"

"Shut up!" A drowsy fairy yells at her.

Aaah, mornings in the barracks. This may as freakin' well be a barracks.

...I rudely dump Ha-chan and the red fairy onto the floor, 'cause screw 'em. They don't even notice, the logs.

Clambering from the bed, I make my way into the halls…

"We're fucked." Komi declares.

Koi is pressing a piece of paper onto the wall. "Good."

"Not that kind of fucked." Komi corrects her, "I mean we're going to get fired. Again."

I approach them, and I see the piece of paper. 'Chief Maid Gets Kinky With Local Succubus'. It's accompanied with crudely cut-out and pasted pictures of Koakuma on the post and Sakuya while she seemed to be mid-combat or something. The empty spaces were filled in… with crayon.

I gasp. "Wow, yo. Never knew Sakuya had it in her. Guess she was a horn dog after all, yo…"

Koi giggles like a maniac. "Hehehe-yeah! Chief's a naughty slut, ain't she?"

Komi scoffed. "Could you be more unruly…?"

Koi smiled at her. "Could you be more sexy?"

The black-haired fairy maid just glares at her.

That reminds me… "What was that nonsense about night fairies the other night?" I never really heard of that stigma before.

Koi shrugged. "Ah- I dunno. They're kinda bitchy, though, so whatever."

Komi rolled her eyes. "They attacked again, or so we thought. I never saw a single one, so I think it was just another stupid happening."

...How the frik did Ha-chan get beat up? I'm going to assume she just ended up mauling herself...

I nod. "Mmm…" I should stop by Patchy's before I head out. I wonder if she has any mittens I could use...

I begin walking off, and the two fairies resume staring at the paper Koi hung up. Komi went to rip it down, and Koi began fighting her…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Dining room! No matter which way I go, it leads here, so alright!

Walking in, I see the familiar faces. Remilia eating a freakin' cake just because. How does vampiric metabolism work? Can she just down cakes and not get fat?

Patchouli has the fluffy waffles.

Some fairy maids here or there, with pancakes, waffles, so forth.

I sit down at a table. Sakuya appears!

"...Don't make me regret asking you, but, what would you like?"

I nod slowly… "Fluff nuggets…"

Sakuya reappears with my plate, and there are fluffles tied to it.

"There. Please enjoy your meal."

Poof. She's gone.

...Patchouli looks over at my plate, and just shakes her head.

"...A plate of fluff." Remilia observes, before resuming eating her cake.

...I hold the plate, and stuff my face into it. They're snuggly!

"...When you're done with that," Patchouli looks at me, "I'd like you to stop by my library. I have another chore for you."

I stand up, lifting my face from the fluff, and stare at her, my eyes widening.

"Are you well?" Patchouli stares at me warily.

"One man is not no man." I announce. I sit back down.

Patchouli just blinks at me. "...Well. Alright."

I have asserted my dominance. All is right with the world.

"Rather unfortunate that you happen to be no men." Patchouli snarks.

Oof. "Yo ho ho…"

She grins at me, before returning to her waffles.

I stare at the fluffles before me. I bet they taste dusty. I suppose I'll just take my time and wake up, for now… and by that, I mean give myself an excuse to end this chapter!

Gaps open under the chairs around me, and they fall in. Remilia pauses.

...Yeah, uh… mmm. That's gonna be fun. Quick end the chapter end it freakin' end it-!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 33

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Yet to be discovered other spell…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi pals

i have no idea how good the comedy is this chapter and it has EATEN AT ME but i think it's RELATIVELY FINE for a somewhat DO-NOTHING CHAPTER

inb4 rereads this five chapters later and goes "why was i even worried" because that happens