(GUESS WHOSE TIME IT IS that's right MATT'S PERSPECTIVE back again yo; it's like RICHTER MODE from SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT okay i'll shut up now)

It is yet another day.

"Y-Yuyuko-sama!" Youmu yelped. "Th-that's too much…!"

Yuyuko smiled warmly. "It's never too much, Youmu-chan."

"Please, stop…!" Youmu protested.

"Shhh, shh… Rela~x." Yuyuko softly quelled her.

...I turned to face them from the kitchen table, and saw Yuyuko pouring an entire bag of sugar into the bowl, slowly.

Another day in an abnormal place, that is.

Youmu jittered, slowly clutching her head as she watched it slowly happen. "A-aauu…"

In a moment, the bag was empty, deposited entirely into the bowl.

"...Was that so hard?" Yuyuko looked at Youmu, still smiling.

"...Yes." Youmu squeaked. "You ruined it."

Yuyuko grinned, rolling her eyes. "I didn't ruin it, Youmu-chan. I made it sweet!"

Yuyuko had decided to aid her in baking a cake. Because, you know, after that last expedition, we needed more cakes. They all mysteriously disappeared the night we came back with them.

Mysteriously.

"There's not even enough water in the bowl for that." Youmu broke it to Yuyuko. "If you mix it, it's gonna get all dusty."

...A fluffle, who may or may not have been Gustavus Adolphus, rose to its finny legs, positioned at the far end of the kitchen counter they were working on.

"We'll just add more water, then!" Yuyuko cheered. She moved to the sink, and got a nearby pitcher.

Yes, the afterlife apparently has plumbing. It's more than could be said about the human village.

She returned to the bowl after filling the pitcher, and poured the water in.

"Y-you have to do it sl-"

It splashed in, and sugar, batter, and water splashed out of the container.

...Youmu scoffed, turning to Yuyuko as she wiped some debris from herself. "Slowly."

Yuyuko was untouched, having allowed the batter to pass through her when it splashed out. The most mundane of advantages. "Well, sometimes hard work is messy." She shrugged.

Yuyuko, then, pulled out a mixer from the lower drawers.

"The bowl's too full!" Youmu announced loudly. "It's going to go everywhere!"

Gustavus Adolphus slowly waddled up to the bowl to observe.

"I'll clean it up later, don't worry." Yuyuko assured her. "Besides, this is how you make cakes, right?"

...Youmu pulled an empty drawer from one of the lower shelves, and shielded herself with it. "It's a waste of ingredients, Yuyuko-sama…"

Yuyuko put the mixer into the bowl, and turned it on.

Once I saw the contents of the bowl begin shooting across the room, I made the wise decision to duck under the table.

"Yu-Yuyuko-sama~!" Youmu whined, retreating as batter struck the shelf she took out.

"W-woah!" The bowl began wobbling out of control, since she didn't grab onto it, with water and sugar flowing out onto the counter and onto the floor. Gustavus Adolphus opened its shell nose, flailing its fins in excitement.

This continued for a moment or two, until Gustavus became overstimulated.

"honhonhonhonhonh" It made fluffy noises, and charged at the bowl.

"H-hey!" Yuyuko tried to swat it away, but her hand was still incorporeal. The fluffle lunged at the bowl, and knocked it out from under the mixer.

Smash!

It hit the floor. The batter sat in the center of the shards, like a clump, while the sugar and water spread out.

"H-how!?" Youmu gaped at it. "Yuyuko-sama, what…!?"

Yuyuko grabbed Gustavus Adolphus by its little fluffy neck. "...It seems this little fellow wanted to join our cake, Youmu-chan. "

Youmu stared at it. "Yeah, that one showed up just the other night. It really likes this room, apparently, but I couldn't catch it whenever I saw it."

Yuyuko gazed at it. "How cute."

I stood up. "Before you do anything further, I have a question to ask the tiny barbarian."

The two girls looked at me.

I walked up, and met gazes with the little fluffle that stared into space. "Are you, or are you not, Gustavus Adolphus?"

...The fluffle looked at me.

"...adoofaloofa!"

It is not.

I nod. "You are now."

It opens its little shell nose.

Yuyuko dropped it to the floor, and it landed in the mess, promptly beginning to roll around in it.

She sighed. "Those little dust mites are curious beings."

"Curious? They practically besieged the entire realm not just a week ago." Youmu tiredly added. "They're an infestation is what they are."

"Mmm…" Yuyuko hummed. "We could use an exterminator, then!"

...Youmu leaned against the counter. "Y-yeah… Sure…"

I navigate back to the table, and take a seat at it. Youmu agreed with this idea, and joined me at an adjacent chair.

...Yuyuko pouts. "Why're you all so glum, today?"

"The toilet's broken." I begin, "Can I go down to the surface to use the bathroom?"

Yuyuko smiles at me. "No."

Youmu glared at me. "The toilets are not broken. I cleaned them just hours ago."

I look at her, and grin. "Well, they won't be unbroken for long. This is why I propose the use of surface bathrooms. They're not quite as fragile as afterlife bathrooms."

By 'unbroken', I mean I'm going to smash it into submission.

Youmu holds her glare. People really like glaring at me.

The room fell silent. That went well.

Attempt number two! "Yuyuko, I am in vast need of human-to-human interaction, lest I become a sad human unable to empathize with others. May I traverse to the surface to quench this desire?"

Yuyuko smiled. "You have Youmu. She's a human."

I beg to differ. She's also technically half-dead. "She is half-ghost, woman. It does not satisfy my human-to-human interaction quota."

Youmu sat up. "What do you even mean!? 'Human-to-human interaction quota'!?" She stood up, slamming her hands on the table. "What about those people? The ones you-you killed!?"

I grin. "Hey. It's interaction." I wasn't wrong, was I?

She grits her teeth. "B-but, it's just, you… Aargh!"

Rising from the table, she moves for the door. "I-I have to go! I'm sorry for the outburst, Yuyuko-sama..."

With that, Youmu left the room.

Yuyuko gazed at me, neutrally. "...We~ll, when you put it like that… no."

Yeah, I thought so.

We sat in silence for a number of minutes. I folded my arms while Yuyuko simply stared off into oblivion.

...I say silence, but there was still the noise of that fluffle sloshing about in the glass and batter.

Yuyuko noticed it, too, and pouted. "Stupid dust termite things…"

That reminds me…

"You said you needed an exterminator?" I asked the ghost mistress.

"Mmm." She confirms, nodding. "I was thinking of checking a phone book…"

Uh? "...I don't think the majority of residents have phones."

Yuyuko shrugged. "Oh. We don't either. I was wondering if Yukari could make the call for me, then."

...You could probably just ask her to directly strongarm someone into helping you, but that works too. "Did you have anyone in mind?"

Yuyuko nods. "I found this ad for an exterminator named Joe. He lives in some outside world country."

I have a feeling that some guy named Joe would be in over his head, here.

"You should definitely have Yukari call the guy named Joe." I tell her.

"Do you think so?" Yuyuko tilted her head. "I mean, he seems a little… cheap."

"Totally the man for the job." I reassure her. "There's nothing an exterminator from the yellow pages couldn't do."

Yuyuko smiles. "Alright. Thank you."

And thus, I have signed Joe's death warrant.

"...I could probably just send you to the human village to find one, but…" Yuyuko looked to the side, apprehensive. "All things considered…"

I shrug. "Tether me to Youmu by the hip again?"

She focused on me, again. "That worked well last time, didn't it?"

Yeah. Definitely.

"...Actually, you give me an idea!" Yuyuko smiles.

If it's anything like Yukari's radar idea, this shouldn't be any form of inconvenience.

/ / / / haKUUKUUKACHUU / / / /

It happened to be nothing like Yukari's radar idea, and it happened to be a form of inconvenience.

Youmu held up the literal chain that tethered us together. "...I-I'm not sure I follow, Yuyuko-sama…"

Yukari narrowed her eyes, examining the chain… "...It should be good to go."

Yuyuko smiled. "Thanks again for all the help, Yukari."

"Not a problem, Yuyuko." Yukari smiled back. "You also wanted me to… 'call up' an exterminator?"

Yuyuko nodded. "Mmhm! Some guy named Joe!"

...Yukari blinked. "...Ah." Then, she grinned. "Very well."

Yuyuko held up the phone book. "Here's the ad…"

Yukari stared at it for a moment. "...Good, good. I will be off to contact him. Also, you two…"

She turns to Youmu and me as a gap opens up behind us.

"I'll leave this gap open for you, in the Golden Grin's back side door. I trust no… unfortunate accidents will happen today, Youmu-chan?" She stared at Youmu.

Youmu stood at attention, and nodded stiffly. "Yes, ma'am."

Yukari winced. "...Don't call me ma'am, would you?"

Youmu stared at her dryly. "Would you rather I called you miss?"

"I'd rather you called me something hip and fresh!" Yukari posed. "Groovy with the kids, you know?"

"...I'll see myself out."

Grinning, Yukari fell through a gap in the floor, which opened right after she finished her sentence.

Youmu rigidly turned to the gap behind us. "Let's get this over with, Matt."

Hearing my name spoken is weird.

"Be safe, you two!" Yuyuko calls to us as we walk through the gap.

/ / / / NUGGET MODE / / / /

On the other side, I am faced once again by this door that leads out of a single segment of dead-end hallway.

"Follow me." Youmu instructs me, as if there was a way for me to avoid following her when we were literally tethered together by a steel chain.

"Only if you insist." I shrug.

We pass through the alley behind the Golden Grin, in which I decide to take a wrong turn down one of the deviating alleys.

The chain clatters as Youmu and I are forcibly kept together, and the two of us end up falling on our rear ends.

"Ugh…" Youmu rubs her rear as she stands back up. "Why would you even…?"

"I seem to have gotten lost." I inform her. "The village is a large place, to be certain."

She sighs, and waits for me to get back up. Once I'm up, she continues moving towards the main street network.

Once we reach it, she turns to me. "Yuyuko-sama wanted an exterminator, right?"

I nod. "Youkai exterminator, or something."

Joe obviously meets those qualifications just fine.

"...I'd ask Reimu again, but I'm sure she wouldn't want to…" Youmu considers aloud. "...Come to think of it, I've never really seen any of this village's exterminators myself. I know they have some."

I feel like they're going to be marginal disappointments, considering this village's track record.

We move to the village square in short time, and there, Youmu walks up to a large postboard. Various advertisements are written in Japanese on it, and the bulk of them have no illustrations. Unfortunate.

"Uhm…" Youmu's eyes scan the large board indecisively. "...I don't trust all of these advertisements. I think I'll pick the simplest one, then…"

She rips a small, ivory flier from the wall. "...W-was I supposed to take it off? Oh, well…"

Good job.

She began moving in a direction, the chain jerking me along with her. She stared at the paper, which I assumed had the address to the home of this exterminator or something. We walked down one of the main roads, where I looked around aimlessly…

...

I see an opportunity for mischief.

Along the side of the road, a young woman seems to be watering some flowers. Over her, there is an overhang that holds a tub of flowers.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Considering I'm thinking to myself, that answer is probably yes.

I subtly gesture towards the tub of flowers with my right hand. "Gravity."

...I forgot that part, where the spell makes me say its name like some hooligan.

Fwooaa~hh…

An expanding orb of darkness generates over the tub of flowers, eventually enveloping it. Once it finishes, the overhang falls in on itself, dropping the tub of flowers down.

Youmu pauses from the noise and my voice, and begins looking to the side. "Hmm?"

Thud! ...Thud.

The random, brown-haired woman fell over, with the tub of flowers lying next to her, broken. Villagers stopped to look at the sudden exchange, more startled by the large orb of darkness that loudly assaulted the flowers.

"What just happened, there…?"

"Someone, get the town guard! Someone cast dark magic!"

"Could it have been a youkai…?"

The villagers nearby begin speculating of the source of the action, while a few move to help the fallen woman.

"Who would do something like that…?" Youmu frowns. Then, she sighs. "This village gets worse every year…"

"I wish to know myself." I add. "I'd like to give them a pat on the back."

"Just stop." Youmu loudly asserts.

The rest of the walk proceeds quietly.

In short time, we reach the home. Or not, because it's not a home.

"Guard headquarters." Youmu helpfully elaborates for me. "...More like village hall, but that's besides the point."

We walk up the small stairway to the double doors, while I pause to watch a myriad of guards run out of the large side door, armed and ready.

...Then I'm jerked along by that chain.

"Come on." Youmu beckons me.

"I was admiring the horde of violence."

Youmu doesn't reply. Inside town hall, there was a bunch of boring-looking men sitting at wooden desks.

...Youmu walks up to one. "Hi. Uhm, where could I- I mean, where do I go for youkai exterminators?"

...The old guy at his desk looks up at her. "...Room on the left. We've only a few to spare today, so do be mindful. Not every little circumstance requires a youkai exterminator, young lady."

I like how no one seems to care we're tethered together by a steel chain. Either this level of weird is normal, or everyone simply figures we're the victims of an unfortunate youkai prank. Or fairy prank, if they'd do something like this.

"U-understood." Youmu nods to him, and continues towards the left door.

She opens it up, and inside is a lounge. A blond man with slick, messy, parted hair sat in a large lounge chair, staring up at the ceiling.

There was an enormous suit of badass armor in the corner of the room, subtly glowing.

Some other, little blond kid sat at a mini-bar with his face down on the counter.

On the right side of the room sat a generic-looking villager that stared at us as we entered.

The generic villager smiled warmly. "Hi~. The name's George. Come on in!"

...Youmu and I apprehensively approached George.

"I'm the guy that's kinda in charge of the mercs these days." George tells us. "...More like a contractor, really. I just get'em deals."

He gestures to the blond kid. "He's Fred. He's a magician, I think. I've never seen him do any magic, though…"

He gestures to the suit of armor. "He's, uh…" George scratches his head. "...B-Baron… something…?"

...The suit glows in response.

"I forget, but, yeah. He doesn't really do any youkai exterminating. He's more of a diplomat."

I'm sorry?

Finally, he gestures to the blond guy on the lounge chair. "This is Albus Lucius. He's sort of a 'rising star' among the village elders. We've even got people saying he's better than the Hakurei Miko, not to toot our own horn!"

Rest in peace in many pieces, donation box.

...George steps closer, and whispers to us. "To be honest-" He looks back at Albus for a moment. "He's kinda a freak, but… if you want 'em dead, he gets 'em dead. He takes the exterminator part… very seriously."

"I heard that." Albus calls out from the lounge chair.

"O-oh! Sorry, s-sir! I, was just uh, yeah…!"

He sounds like my kind of guy, even if he looks like a fop.

Youmu nods. "...I actually wanted to see him. I've got a job."

Albus suddenly stood up, with a burst of energy. "Alri~ght!"

He walks up to Youmu, and sticks out his hand. "Name's Albus."

Youmu shakes it.

He grins in a cocky manner. I'm starting to like him less. "So, point, and I'll shoot. Hahaha!"

...I point at Youmu.

He raises his brow.

...Youmu turns to glare at me, then turns back to face Albus. "Yes, well, I have a place with an… insect infestation. Youkai insect infestation, actually. Sorta." Youmu lies a little. They're more like dust mites, and they're not exactly youkai, I think…

...Albus folds his arms. "Well, which is it? If it's not youkai, it's not a job for youkai exterminators. I'm a busy man, you know."

"I-It's youkai, definitely." Youmu answers.

I chip in. "The youkai also put this chain on us." I gesture to it. "Help, please."

Youmu frowns, and turns to me.

It's not a lie, either! The youkai part, that is.

Albus grinned. "Awh, no way! Wo~w…" He moves around to take a look at the chain. "...Damn, what kind of iron's she made out of?"

I think it's steel, but that word might not mean anything to you.

"He-he's just kidding." Youmu speaks up. "I-it was a-a- Drinking! Drinking bet among friends, hahaha…"

Albus nods, grinning. "Ooh, yeah, I getcha. Whacky couples, right?"

"Hehehe…" Youmu giggles in a totally not forced manner.

After a moment of silence, Albus speaks up. "So, are~ we in a rush? I'd prefer if we were. Again, I'm kinda busy. Sorry."

"It's no problem." Youmu begins moving for the door. "Follow me."

We leave the village hall.

/ / / / OPTICAL SHOT! / / / /

We were moving towards the village square, again. Youmu had taken the lead, and I fell behind. Albus slowed down to walk next to me, his hands behind his head. He was a very, seemingly relaxed sort of person.

"So, she like your wife, or what?" Albus grinned as he quietly asked me. "No way this is just a drinking bet."

I shake my head, and speak back just as quietly. "No, look- we're being tricked."

He jerks his head back. "Hmm?"

I speak seriously, and keep my expression grim. "She's set up a trap for us."

"...Drinking party?" Albus guesses.

"Yes, and we'll be the drinks!" I yell-whisper. "She's a youkai."

Albus's eyes widen. "Get out…"

"I'm lucky to be alive." I tell him. "She's been using me to lure youkai hunters to their doom for a week now."

Albus's expression hardened. "...Do you know anything about a Gregory?"

No. "Lured to spiders."

Albus stops walking for a moment, and falls behind us.

"Ha~hahahaha!" He arches his head back, leans backward, and laughs into the daytime sky.

Youmu, startled, whirls around. "Wh-what?"

All the villagers nearby turn to look at him, ceasing their current activities.

Albus pulls out a gun. A flintlock, to be exact. I didn't even know this place had guns.

Bang!

Youmu- pupils contracting in horror- ducked under the shot. Villagers began fleeing from the scene immediately, put off by the noise.

"I finally found you!" Albus roars, grinning widely. "Your head's a fifty thousand yen bounty, you know!"

Youmu drew Roukanken. "What… are you talking about!?"

He stashes his flintlock away, and uses his opposite arm to draw another one.

Bang!

Youmu reacts on a dime, slashing at the bullet.

Swish!

...I don't know if she deflected it, or cut it in half.

Albus ducks, and shoots again.

Bang!

Youmu parries again.

Cla~ng!

Most of the villagers have cleared out by now.

"Damn…" Albus grimaces. "I can't go all out with that guy stuck to her…"

Then, he grins. "I know exactly what I'll do!"

Youmu's expression hardens. "Why are you doing this!?"

Albus's face contorts in rage for a moment, and he fires a shot.

Bang!

Youmu parries.

Cla~ng!

Youmu grimaces. "I don't want to do this, but…"

She slashes at him, sending a wave of energy at him.

"You can't hit me…" Albus's mocking voice comes from behind us. "Torpor!"

A large crystal formed between Youmu and me, encapsulating the chain.

"Ah…" Youmu hisses in frustration. "I-I can't move like this!"

Then, the crystal shatters, taking the chain along with it.

I grin widely, and backpedal from the fight. Scre~w that!

"Ha~hahahaha~!" Albus arches back and laughs again like a maniac.

"Please stop!" Youmu yells at him, and swings again.

Suddenly, he disappears again. "You can't hit me…"

She whirls around to find him behind her, as she predicted.

He raises his flintlock, and Youmu ducks before he fires.

Bang!

I casually backpedal away while facing the fight, watching it as I retreat…

Youmu runs towards Albus.

Albus grins giddily. "This time you'll burn! Igniz Kick!"

He leaps into the air, performing an extravagantly unnecessary spin kick as he twirls right over Youmu's head, and the hems of his pants light on fire, creating a tornado of flame.

The only bad part of that attack is that it didn't hit a single thing.

Youmu takes the moment to run at him, and kick him in the back.

"Grah!"

I don't think a kick hurts that much.

Albus spun around on his heel, both to distance himself from Youmu and to face her again. "Optical shot!"

He pulled his two flintlocks out, and both charged with what looked like holy and dark energy. Youmu braced herself, and the two contrasting orbs shot from his flintlock, whirling through the air, only to barely miss Youmu due to their unpredictable trajectory.

"Got you! Igniz Kick!"

...He did that flaming spin kick again, and Youmu simply ran under it.

"I don't want to hurt you!" Youmu shouted at him. He whirled around, and drew his flintlock again.

Bang!

Youmu parried.

Cla~ng!

"Shut the fuck up!" Albus grinned again. "Glyph in bullet!"

He drew his two flintlocks, and used his off hand to pull a bullet from his pockets. He slipped it into the left flintlock and aimed at Youmu.

"Max shot!"

A large orb of darkness was shot towards Youmu, and she drew her shorter blade. When it neared, she stabbed into it, and the foggy darkness was absorbed by the dagger-sized blade.

"You…!" Albus's hands shook. "Let's see you dodge this!"

He took to the air, and did a somersault over Youmu. "Haa~h!"

Small yellow diamonds dropped from his jacket, and turned into those large crystals that freed me from my chains earlier.

Youmu stood between two, just barely managing to not get stuck in their generation process as she tensed up.

Moments later, they shattered.

"You can't hit me…" Albus teased again, teleporting next to her. She ducked again.

Bang!

The shot went straight over her, because he didn't predict her reading his movements.

"Igni-"

Shi~ng!

"Gfuaa~h!"

Albus flew back, smacked by the broadside of Youmu's Roukanken.

"I'm through playing nice." Youmu frowned. "I'm sorry, Yuyuko-sama…"

Albus arched back, again. "Ha~hahahaha! Face it…"

He teleported again. "You can't hit me." He says, despite literally just being hit.

"Hell Realm Sword, Two Hundred Yojana in a Flash." Youmu solemnly announces her spell card.

I think it's time for me to go hide!

Despite me being at least fifty feet away, I dash for the alleyways, and slowly begin making my way towards the village walls…

"Guwwaaa~h!"

I heard Albus yell.

"Maaa~tt!"

And that was Youmu. She sounded slightly irritated.

Well, that was a fun experience. I think I'll just go run a marathon out of here, before Youmu inevitably sweeps the entire village trying to find me.

/ / / / GLYPH IN BULLET! / / / /

It took an incredibly tedious and uneventful walk from one of the far sides of the village to reach the Hakurei Shrine's steps. Now, the question is, do I wish to climb Hell's stairs to relax, or do I want to press forward to be tasked with scaling the walls?

Everything was also covered in two feet of snow, so navigation was a curious procedure. On the upside, stabbing the snow was actually viable when one had fire scissors.

I think I'll stop by the shrine, even if the stairs are a tragedy in and of themselves.

A grueling, icy climb was my staircase experience. I solved the icy part with taps of my flame scissors, and that somewhat alleviated the fact it was a huge climb, since I stopped every step or so to essentially inflict violence on the snow and ice.

At least the path at the top was clear, for some reason. It was in a suspicious cylindrical shape.

I slid the door open. "Miko baby, do something about all that damn ice outside."

Reimu and Suika tiredly looked up from the kotatsu.

"...And build an escalator while you're at it." I add as an afterthought.

"A whaa~?" Suika slurs.

"An automatic staircase for the lethargic, like me." I elaborate.

"Pfft..." Suika waves me off. "Those stairs're nothin'. Y'should try the caves'a Hell, 're that mountain, with the tengus!"

"Yeah, sounds nice. Hey, what're we having for dinner?" I ask her.

Suika slowly opens and closes her mouth.

I continue my totally funny joke. "Snow? Mmm mmm. My favorite."

Reimu actually pays attention to me, now. "Will you be quiet? I'm trying to relax, and it's cold."

"No." I protest. "I came all the way over here, to visit you, and this is how you repay me?"

Reimu stares at me, bored.

"I'm starting to think you don't like me." I fold my arms.

...She flops against the floor. "Gee, what would ever give you that impression?"

"From how much of an unsympathetic moron you are." I begin walking towards the kitchen. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall raid your kitchen."

Before she can answer, I walk into the kitchen. It turns out to be a rather boring-looking place.

I slide open a drawer, only to find nothing inside it.

That's great.

Reimu walks in right after I close it. "I happen to need whatever's actually in these shelves."

I turn to her. "Should I try your room, then?"

"Only if you hate living." Reimu counters.

I clap my hands together. "Let's see what's in there, then!"

As I begin to advance, her gohei meets my forehead.

Whack!

...Ouch.

"No means no." Reimu affirms.

"This is domestic violence." I inform her. "It happens to be illegal."

"I happen to be the law." Reimu declares.

I shake my head. Reimu is simply no fun.

...I move past her and into the main room, where Suika still numbly sat at the kotatsu.

"That's it." I decide. "Time to pick up the kotatsu, and haul it out."

I lift it from Suika, who doesn't react at all.

Reimu, however, widens her eyes once she enters the room. "H-hey! What do you think you're doing!?"

"Making a one way escalator." I answer. "Kotatsu express!"

I run for the door, but before I reach it a Yin-Yang orb shoots in front of me, and lightly smacks into me.

It was still enough to send me to the floor, though, the kotatsu clattering to the floor next to me.

...Reimu walked up to me. "Honestly."

She picked up her kotatsu, carried it back to its rightful place, plopped it down, and sat in it.

...I rose from the floor. "Most unfortunate."

"Boo hoo. You have to walk down stairs." Reimu mocks. "What a tragedy."

"If we're going to talk tragedies," I begin, "We're gonna have to talk about your bust size."

/ / / / YOU CAN'T HIT ME / / / /

...I crawled from a snow bank, just to the right of the steps. I managed to slide down the entire hill's snowy side with both my stomach and my face!

By the way, ouch.

It seems the Hakurei miko is no stranger to corporal punishment.

I stood again, dusting myself off.

It's gonna be a long way to the mansion...

/ / / / I SAID YOU CAN'T HIT ME / / / /

I went into the snow banks a boy.

And then I came out a man.

Also almost an amputee, but that's beside the point.

The long trek from the lakeside to the manor was only exponentially increased by the huge sea of snow between me and my objective. I did, however, sort of cheat by scaling the lakeside where most of the snow had run off into the water, though. Work smarter, not harder.

Burning the occasional tree also helped to stay warm. The snow pretty much shut down any infernos that could've spread afterwards.

The worst part about the whole thing, though, was not the biting, numbing cold- it was the fact that there were fluffles burrowing in the top layers of the snow, for whatever reason.

They told me they were soft, and warm to the touch.

Blatant lies.

I now walk towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gates, ready to argue my way in with the gatekeeper herself…

Meiling's eyes meet mine as I approach.

"... Hey, how's the weather?" I wave.

"Cold." Meiling monotones.

"Me too!" I nod enthusiastically. "...So can I come in?"

"Never." Meiling stares me down. "Not unless you have business with the mistress herself. Visitors are only allowed at night, as well."

"You know you don't adhere to that." I attempt to negotiate.

"You're right. I should be letting you in when night comes. Instead, I'm simply letting you in never." Meiling coldly waves me off. "Go weasel your way into other places. There's nothing for you, here."

I think otherwise.

...There's not much I can do right now, though. "Okay. I won't bother you anymore."

Yeah, that sounded totally fake, but it gets the job done.

Meiling skeptically watches me as I turn around and start heading back.

...Until I reach the lake.

Here we go again. Except, this time, I'm not navigating to the secret basement of blood draining. Court is fun and all, but I think they'd just go "screw it" and hang me if there was a second case.

I start a genocide with the snow, gradually slashing away at it and watching it melt away as it lit on fire from the fire scissor's effects. I'd like to know how snow can burn, but that's probably a lecture I could save for later.

...In my travels, I encounter a fluffle burrowing in the snow, again.

"im soft, and warm to the touch" it informs me.

Do I choose to believe it? Not even for a second.

I stab it.

Fwoom.

"Waaaa~l!" It digs into the snow, and hides.

I slash at the snow, but there's nothing but tunnels in it.

Freaking tiny snow moles.

I have no real way to track my progress other than the trees. And, in case one may not have noticed, the trees suck as distinguishable landmarks.

...However, I eventually find something interesting that isn't a fluffle or otherwise.

It's a strange pod, of some description. The outside appears to be some sort of nut-esque shell.

I'm apprehensive about it, so I stab it.

It lights on fire.

I step back, in case the nut oils in it make it explode violently or something.

It does indeed burst open, but what I did not expect was a swarm of angry cicadas to take to the winter sky, flaming all the way.

They loudly filled the entire perimeter of the manor with obnoxious noise, forcing me to cringe a bit from the volume and screechiness.

Egh…

I backpedal, and I bump into something.

What?

I turn around and Meiling.

"...What do you think you're doing?" She smugly grins at me.

"Smashing cicada hives." I argue. "It's a sport from the old country."

She nods. "That's cool. I placed those."

Oh. Shit.

"...Cicadas don't make hives, by the way." Meiling adds offhandedly. "I would have had different traps, but the snow made me improvise."

"Oh. Very nice. How smart of you…" I slowly edge around her, which turns out to not be totally subtle.

She grabs me by the shoulders. "Allow me to escort you to the proper other direction. You know, the one that leads away from the manor."

...I grin sheepishly. "Please be gentle. It's my first time."

/ / / / hyaAaAaAaAaAa~! / / / /

After Meiling lifted me up and spun me around in the way that Mario might spin around Bowser before chucking him into oblivion, Meiling followed through and chucked me into oblivion. Luckily, there is snow everywhere, and I landed in it. The bad part is that it was cold, inside a crater of snow and all, and very claustrophobic.

This would normally be a very bad situation, but I still had my flame scissors, so the snow was no match for my capacity to flail wildly.

In moments, I find the lake, which I had landed near, and just retraced my steps around the perimeter…

I guess I'll go back to the shrine and drown my sorrows in tea. And snow.

Iced tea, preferably. There's probably no shortage of that.

My walk goes far easier, because there's no snow in the way once I scale the lakeside. Which is good, because I'm about ten thousand percent more sore now than I was earlier. Falling cannonball-style into a bed of snow is debatably non-lethal, but still painful enough that you'd be able to go the rest of your life without doing it again and not feel remiss.

There is, however, these stairs. I almost wish Youmu didn't turn Albus into a fine red mist, so that he could show me some completely unnecessary and convoluted way to climb stairs, preferably by spin-kicking up the whole way.

Or, you know, teleport up them and laugh at me as I climbed. Nevermind.

I reach the top, and stumble to the shrine doors…

Sliding them open, I greet the family! "Honey, I'm home again."

Reimu looked up from the kotatsu, expression unreadable. "Welcome. I take it you've worked out all that excess energy, now?"

I nod. "I just got fired from work today."

"I highly doubt you even work." Reimu dryly stared at me.

"I think I'm going to need a board to beat somebody's head in." I inform her. By that, I mean I have an idea to get inside the mansion.

"I think I'm going to need a board to beat your head in." Reimu spoke neutrally.

I smirk, moving to sit at the kotatsu. "Great. That means you can find one for me, too."

Reimu snorted.

That de-escalated quickly.

"...So, where're the boards?" I ask her. "Or are we going to have to use that log over there?"

...Suika's snoring is heard over the silence.

"Good luck." Reimu informs me. "By all means, take her with you."

I move to lift Suika.

And Suika doesn't move to let me lift her. Well, then.

I try getting a better angle, moving around her, but she doesn't even budge..

"...Guess I gotta use the boards in the walls instead." I shrug.

"Then you will be the boards in the walls." Reimu annotates my idea.

"I'm sure you'd fit be-ee~..." I trail off, noticing Reimu slowly begin to stand… "Fit to be a person who places wall… components. Yes."

...Reimu fidgets a bit, then sits back down.

Crisis averted.

"...Do you actually have any boards?" I ask her.

"There's some spare plywood out back." Reimu tells me. "It's probably all snowed in, though. I don't really need it anymore, anyway. I could just have the fairies make more."

Huh. Okay, then.

It is now time to plunder some wood.

I stand up and walk towards the back door. I open it and snow.

Poof.

...I crawl out of it.

"It makes good insulation." Reimu looks on the bright side.

Of course it does.

I begin stabbing the snow, licks of flames running up the ice through each stab and slash.

Reimu eventually looks over at the ordeal. "Hey hey hey, what's with the flames?"

"Burning." I elaborate.

"Open flames and shrine walls don't mix." Reimu explains. "I learned that the hard way, not that there was any way it could be avoided."

That's a rather dismal look on domestic infernos.

I continue attacking the snow, and I eventually break through to the layers outside the wall.

Reimu watches me, somewhat anxious. Probably watching to make sure I don't light anything material on fire.

Though, it's rather unlikely that I might ignite the walls now, given that I've already dug an adequate distance away from them.

I eventually strike something hard, and it lights up.

...That's probably the boards. Yeah, I can see the plywood texture.

I quickly grab some snow with my hands, and dump it on the flames. It's times like these that I really wish I had gloves of some sort…

Precarious efforts yield some semi-snowy boards, one of which has a char mark on it. I take said burned board.

Pulling it along, I pass Reimu and the sleeping oni. "I'm going to go hand in a resume, for my new job."

Reimu snorts. "Yeah, good luck with that. Hey hey, close that door…"

...She gestures to the back door, which I had left open.

Apparently lacks the energy to close a door, but has enough energy to send me on a one way slide down the hillside. Sounds like me, when I lived back home.

After awkwardly setting the board down and closing the door to avert the wrath of an angry miko, I proceed out the front door, remembering to close it, and head for- ...hmm.

Do I slide down the stairs, or down the snow?

...I suppose the snow. Spine-snapping action would be something I'd rather not have on my action figure box. At least, not if I was the one getting my spine snapped.

I sit the board down on the start of the decline and crawl onto it; then, as it begins accelerating, I position myself so that if this goes wrong I don't sink six feet under.

My ride down the hill could be described as brief. I took in the surrounding forests as I accelerated, until I reached the bottom, and slid into the path I dug out.

Thud.

...Well, that was fun.

I get off the board, and lift it up.

Now to make the long walk back to the manor…

/ / / / PLEASE OBSERVE / / / /

With my pink scissors on hand, and board of singed plywood being dragged along by my other, I near the manor's gate with a plan.

Meiling's eyes lock on me again.

I grin, and speed up my pace. I'd run towards her, but giant boards of plywood happen to be pretty unwieldy.

She folds her arms as I somewhat near her…

This plan I had refined with some minor experimentation in the snow next to the lake.

I toss the pink scissors behind me, and hold the board in the way. Now the tricky part is getting it at an angle that propels me up…

I power-walk towards her with a stint in my stride, consciously trying to get a good angle as I move towards her.

Meiling blinks at my strange movements.

Thunk!

"Woo-wooaa~h!" I allow myself to exclaim as the board begins to push me along. I push back, and end up on top of the scissors somewhat. I begin ascending at an angle.

Meiling's eyes widen as I hover upwards towards the top of the wall.

Wait- woah!

Woah, what-

Thunk!

The board strikes the tip of the wall after doing a three-sixty in the air, disorienting me. I clumsily latch onto the wall, grabbing the shafts of the spikes at the top to hold on. The board pushes against me a bit, but then the board itself slides out. The scissors slide onto the brick under me.

"W-what the hell!?" Meiling shields herself as the board falls towards her-

Bam!

...That stance was not shielding; it was getting ready to punch the board into many tiny splinters.

I stand, clambering over the small spikes. "See you later, rent-a-cop!"

Meiling's gaze jerks towards me.

I glance down, and leap off on impulse, ready to get my ass kicked by the bushes below.

Fwish!

Bushes are not snow. They hurt.

I don't have much time to mentally whine about the pain of falling into jagged, ice-cold branches, however. I get up and sprint towards the door- as fast as I could sprint like this, anyway.

As I close the front door, I hear the front gate clatter open.

Inside, a myriad of fairy maids fill the lobby. Only a few actually bothered to glance at me, before resuming their socialization.

I remember the lobby being empty, for some reason. It must be fairy hour, or something.

I sprint towards a deviating hallway, look around wildly, and pick the third door I find.

Upon slamming it shut, I look around…

"Yellow-chan…"

I see two fairy maids idly standing in a long room that has at least eight or ten beds.

"Yeah, Maple-chan?" The very creatively named Yellow-chan addresses the brown-haired Maple-chan.

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

...Yellow-chan shook her head. "No."

"Like, do you think we're supposed to be here?" Maple-chan took a guess. "Like… right now?"

Yellow-chan turned to her. "No. We're supposed to be scrubbing the curtains, or something."

I don't think you scrub curtains.

I also think I'm done here.

I move to the door, and it opens in front of me. A tall, black-haired fairy maid stomps in. "Hey, asshats! Are you in here!?"

…Her eyes run over me, and then the other two fairies.

Maple-chan walks towards her. "Hey, Komi-chan… Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

Komi groans. "Look, Maple. You asked me that yesterday… you asked me that the last ten fucking days, and you asked me the last ten fucking days before those! And my answer has always been… no! I don't care! I couldn't give any less of a shit!"

"...Okay." Maple looks crestfallen.

With that, the maid named Komi storms out of the room.

This place is a freak show.

I move to the door, and peek out. I don't see Meiling anywhere…

I also seem to have forgotten why I am here. It seems some exploration is in order.

Moving at a relaxed pace, I begin strolling down the entry halls…

A fairy maid walks up to me. "Hey, you! My legs're gone!"

...I look down, and she seems to be mistaken.

"...I could make them gone for you, if you want." I tell her.

She double-takes. "What!? But- they're gone! Ugh…" She shakes her head, stomping away.

Interesting fellow.

The deeper I traverse into the halls, the lower the density of fairies becomes. I've even made sure to only take a few turns, as well, but every hall almost seems like it has no end in sight.

A door slams open on the opposite side of the hall.

"That motherfucker!"

I had thought beings called fairies might have been a little more innocent than this.

An orange-haired fairy maid stomped from the room, accompanied by a blue-haired one.

"U-uhm, I'm sure he had… a very good reason to-"

"Shut." The somewhat-short, angry fairy whirled around to face the blue-haired one. "Can you tell me the last time a fairy died from hippo-thermis-whatever!?"

The blue-haired fairy went silent.

Hippo-thermis, the worst thing to die to. Considering the name, I might agree.

"Exactly. C'mon, we're gonna see that bookworm." She beckoned the quiet maid as she stomped down the hall.

Speaking of stomping, I noticed someone else stomping down the halls. More like running with intense power.

It was Meiling. She was looking pretty pissed.

"Stop him!" Meiling pointed at me. The nearby fairy maids paused.

It is time to hide in a room! Quickly!

I swing open a door, and race inside.

I end up back out in the hallway, a few doors down. Now is not the time for doors to be portals to short distances!

Running for the door across the hall, I swing it open and dash in just as Meiling catches up to me.

...I seem to be another five doors down. Meiling dashed in, and ended up five doors down in a different direction.

The two fairies from earlier didn't actually bother to do anything, moving to the far side of the hall and just observing.

Meiling runs for me, and I retreat back into the door.

I pop out the door Meiling came out of. As she dashes into the door I retreated into, I dash into the one across from me.

The door I emerge from is right across from the door Meiling emerges from.

"...Hello!" I yelp, before withdrawing back into the door, with Meiling leaping into it after me.

I emerge from a door, and the door next to me opens. I ready to leap back in, but what emerged was not Meiling. It was some sort of multi-trayed, rack thing with fluffles sitting on the bottom two layers and an orange wig and Meiling's hat situated on the top one.

Fwoom!

It also had a flamethrower on the top. The actual Meiling emerged from a door a few spaces behind it.

The not-Meiling turned towards me, flames flowing from the top of it. The actual Meiling paused, processing the existence of the mech.

I backpedaled, and took a door to my left.

On emergence, two more doors open. Meiling steps out of one across from me, and next to me…

Brad steps out, and freezes. "Woah- shit! What the hell!?"

He looks around, and notices the fluffle mech.

"Nope, fuck that." He shakes his head, and throws himself back into the door.

I back into my own door, shutting it as I watch Meiling run towards me. I look around to see Meiling open the door I just backed into.

"Aaaa~h!" A scream comes from the door.

"...S-sorry!" Meiling shuts the door.

Bam!

The ceiling breaks open, and Flandre falls from it, holding a plate of spikes. She's wearing a little hard hat.

"It has all gone wro~ng!" She declares as she lands on the fluffle mech, crushing it.

"Waaa~l!"

Meiling blinks. "F-Flandre?"

I would like to know just what the hell is going on.

"Meiling! I accidentally broke the upstairs bathroom!" Flandre informs her. "I-I was placing the spikes, and then the TNT went off, and- yeah…"

...You said 'bathroom', right?

"U-uhm…" Meiling scratched her head. "I'll check it out later, Flan-chan."

Flan-chan.

I think I'll take this opportunity to skedaddle. The doors seem to be nothing but Scooby Doo death traps.

Half-heartedly dashing down the cold- yet still considerably warmer than the outside- halls, I come to a double door. Considering there's a sudden clearing here where the walls expand, and a rather fancy double-door, I think this might indicate significance.

I move up to the door and reach for the handle.

Pi~ng!

It's locked, apparently. Very locked.

I, however, have a solution to very locked things.

I backtrack just a little to a couch that I had passed. I jump onto it, and throw the pink scissors behind it.

...The couch begins sliding, and speeds towards the door at a considerable speed.

Onward!

I do, however, duck under the couch arm when we near the door. Becoming a victim to blunt trauma is not on the agenda for today.

Bam!

The library's doors are swung open, the seal shimmering lightly post-violation.

Looking up from the couch arm, I let the couch carry me further into the library. It is a trusty steed!

/ / / / CRESCENT MOON / / / /

It takes a minute for it to crash into a bookshelf. Books fall from above, and I shield myself. The shelf rocks back and forth from the blow, but thankfully doesn't fall. Disaster dominoes would've been an understatement.

As I climb off the couch and let books fall from myself, I notice Patchouli looking up at me from a nearby study.

"...Could I help you?" She raises a brow. "Or, rather, could I ask you the logic of nearly destroying one of my shelves?"

I nod. "I am in need of a frostfire enchantment for a pair of scissors."

Patchouli tilts her head. "...I don't primarily dabble in ice. If I put forth effort into such an endeavor, maybe… but I am busy."

She looks down at a book she's reading.

Of course she is.

"I would like to request a shadowflame enchantment, then." I press.

She glances up at me, appearing slightly more irritated. "I don't often bother with outright dark elemental magic, due to the risks and drawbacks associated with such endeavors. You'll have to find someone who specializes in the art. Busy."

I see. "In that case, I would like a voidblaze enchantment."

She glances at me from her book again. "Are you just making things up, now?"

"That's what you think." I smugly counter.

"..." Her gaze narrows, and she doesn't comment further.

Hmm.

I take out my fire scissors, and set them on the table.

"What can you do with this, then?" I propose to her.

...She holds it up, and stares at it closely. "Give me a moment."

She waves her hand over it, and it glows faintly orange for a moment. She sets it back down on the table, close to me.

"It is done." Patchouli returned to her book.

I grab it, and take a few quick practice swings at the air. It… doesn't feel any different.

"What did you add?" I ask her.

"The ability to feel comfortable around any fire." Patchouli informs me.

That's it? Seriously?

"...Can you not manage a heftier enchantment? Binded spell, at least?" I ask of her.

Patchouli sighs. "It is a matter of what I'm willing to do. I happen to be more into research than charity at the moment. You demanded something of me while I was busy, so I gave something that befitted such a setting- a simple parlor trick."

Genuinely. "Honestly, it shouldn't be hard to simply pull one of those many cursed tomes I'm sure are in your repertoire and simply expose its magic to the scissors." I tell her quite frankly.

...Patchouli glares up at me. "You speak as if it worked like that."

I nod. "Does it not?"

"Why don't you find out?" She looks at her book again, frowning. "Please, tell me. Go ahead, dig through as many tomes as possible. What you find inside might surprise you."

I fold my arms. "What is the ratio of cursed to uncursed books? I'd likely be digging through them all, so I'd at least like to know beforehand how long I'd have to dig."

She spoke louder this time. "Do you truly not know how to even detect such things?"

I roll my eyes. "Am I supposed to?"

Patchouli flips a page. I stand there, waiting for a response.

"Answer me." I demand.

"You are in no position to talk down to me, if you cannot fathom a concept as simple as curse recognition. Provided, every book with a curse on it will have a varied level of concealment, how you speak implies to me you have no experience at all with the practice."

"How am I supposed to know if no one is even going to teach me?" I raise my voice. "It's not like I can just pick up a book, read Japanese, and go 'oo~h, I can cast pretty magic now'!"

"No one was there to teach me." Patchouli counters. "No one was even there to believe me. Barring the residents of this manor, I have every suspicion to believe magic dead on the outside, yet, here I am. The only reason I could be here is because there is an inkling, a smidgen of magical documentation and practice that still persisted in the outside at the time I was present. I know not what it's like now, and I admit that coming across the resources necessary is an entirely luck-based and difficult endeavor, but I still managed."

She flipped a page.

"Do not voice your frustrations with me. If you wish to learn, I may lend a voice, but only when it is convenient to me. By that, I mean not now."

What a bitch.

I hold my glare towards her, but she doesn't bother to acknowledge me.

"Whatever." I dismiss her, walking off. What a waste of time.

As I begin to depart, I notice Koakuma strutting towards the clearing with a big stack of books.

She lets out a breath she was holding as she plops the large stack of books down on the table, shaking it. "...You know, if you read too much, your eyeballs will fall out."

"Mmm." Patchouli ignores her, turning the page of her current tome.

...Koakuma nods, and begins walking away, passing me.

She pauses, turning to me. "Hey, it's… what's your face." Koakuma greets me.

"Don't worry; her eyeballs roll into the back of her head too much, as all she can see is herself." I grin smugly, watching Koakuma's face.

"Pfft." She grins. "Ri~ght?"

I think I like her already. Well, I did like her because she was a succubus, but I think I like her for more tangible reasons now… like being a succubus.

The only bad part is that if I boned her, she'd consume my soul. I'd like to say I don't even have one, but I don't want to take that chance.

"You two are trying my patience." Patchouli announces. "If you are to speak behind my back, at least do it somewhere less distracting."

"Come on, now…" I begin. "You've been sitting here for literally around one hundred years now. I think you're patient enough."

Koakuma snorts.

"Wood Sign," Patchouli had had enough. "Sylphae Horn."

A line of glowing, danmaku trees sprouted on the top of the shelf farthest from us.

Koakuma begins backpedalling. "Hey, hey, hey… There's, uh, no need to get rough, Patchouli-sama…"

I fold my arms… and backpedal with her. "What will trees do? Get leaves all over us?"

I wasn't exactly wrong.

Leaves began flowing down from the trees, not exactly aimed at us, but an invisible wind pushed large clusters of them towards us.

They're also danmaku leaves, so that means they hurt. My question is if they act like normal leaves…

I swing at one that nears with my fire scissors as I retreat. Flames engulf it, but it dissipates, and the flames extinguish in the air without anything to burn.

They are not normal leaves, then.

I turn and see that Koakuma has bolted down the aisle, and I run after her.

W-well, I say run, but I am not very much of a jogger…

She rounds a corner, and after a few moments, I round it as well. The leaves don't follow us here, and after flowing into the wall near us, ceased coming at us at all.

"...Ha~h." Koakuma sighed. "What crawled up her ass and died?"

I'd snark, but I'm too busy not dying after that sprint I had to do to evade the falling leaves.

After a few moments of catching our breath, I turn to her. "Well, my original inquiry was about equipment."

"Didn't go so well, huh?" Koakuma guessed.

"Indeed."

"What'd you even ask for?" Koakuma stood, as did I.

"Enchanted scissors." I inform her.

She blinks. "...Oddly specific. You said equipment, right?"

I nod. "Don't ask."

Koakuma nods slowly. "...Why~ do you need enchanted scissors?"

"Reasons." I explain thoroughly.

She continues nodding. "M'kay… Well-... that reminds me of something, actually."

I focus on her.

She reaches around in her pockets. "Did I leave it on this pair…?"

"Ah." She pulls out a sleek, black pair of scissors. "These things."

"Those things." I stare at them curiously.

"Yeah. These things." Koakuma twirls them around. "I don't even need them anymore, but I hold onto a lot of crap."

That explains many things. By which, I mean I still know nothing about them.

She notices me staring at them. "...I guess I could give them to you."

I know the game she's playing…

"...But." She holds up a finger. "Only if you do something for me, first."

"No, I won't give you my body." I regretfully inform her.

She blinks. "...Not what I was gonna- well, not necessarily what I was gonna ask, but…"

You lie.

She brings a hand to her chin. "...Potion testing?" She grins.

I shake my head. "I'd rather not die by ingesting the inevitable biohazards."

She resumes thinking. "Hmm… Chores?"

I slowly shake my head. "Not particularly interesting."

"Do you want the damn scissors or not?" Koakuma props her hands on her hips.

I fold my arms. "What do they do?"

"Well, they're basically training wheels, in a way." She explains, "Us succubi, back in Makai, typically had enchanted objects to help us manage before we developed certain talents that were expected of us. You usually got them through… various means, and could give them away for equally varied reasons."

I nod. "That very much explains to me what they do. I'm glad I asked."

She rolls her eyes. "I was getting to that. Basically, they allow you to do a quick dash, horizontally. Like this."

In a blur, she slides backwards, the only sound produced that of her clothes hitting the air..

"You can do it back and forth," Woosh, woosh. "Side to side," Woosh, woosh. "...But not up and down. It's all about… it's hard to explain." She pauses. "I suppose that's why it's a succubus talent, hmm?"

"Shouldn't a succubus know?" I press.

"Hey, do you know who invented fire?" Koakuma asks me, then answers for me before I can say anything. "No? Isn't that too bad. Shouldn't a human know?"

She's as sassy as I am. How lovable.

"You were the one complaining about me explaining too much shit." Koakuma argues.

In any case…

"What do I do for them?" I inquire, again.

She stares at me dryly. "Straightforward, aren't you? Hmm…"

A book on the shelf slides out between us, and falls onto the floor.

I look at the hole, and a fluffle sticks its little head out.

"one lake bonus" It tells me.

I take out some steel scissors, and jab them in its face.

"help" It monotones.

I jab it in and out multiple times, mixing the face, until the fluffle itself breaks down into dust.

Another fluffle sticks its head out from the same hole. "icecube multiplier"

I snip the head off, and both the body and head break into dust.

Another fluffle sticks its head out. "earthquake warning"

Koakuma picks up the book, and shoves it back in place, concealing the fluffle.

"clear drain bonus" We hear its muffled declaration from outside the shelf.

"We have dust friends." Koakuma irritably remarks. "Little dust mite bastards."

"I can, infact, slay the dust mite bastards." I tell her.

Koakuma nods. "You know what? Sure. I'll watch you, somewhat. Kinda." She waves me off. "Now, go on."

I walk forward only to realize I don't see many nearby.

I turn to her. "Where might I find the most of them?"

"Oh, trust me. You'll find them." Koakuma waves again.

I'll take her word for it, I suppose.

I decide to walk forth, taking a few random turns and twists, moving deeper into the library, looking behind me now and again to make sure Koakuma is loosely following me.

I eventually do find a few fluffles. They're sitting on the floor, picking up tufts of some sort of grey dust and dropping them, repeatedly.

"im jimmy hendrix" One of them introduces itself to me, not even looking at me.

Yeah, okay.

Eagerly, I strut up to it and stomp on it. It just looks up at me with that unwavering smile on its face. "hi friend"

...So, I forcefully grab onto its head and tear it right off.

It disintegrated into a small pile of dust. Its friends… don't even react. They just continue lifting and dropping the dust absentmindedly.

I stomp on the next one, and the next one…

The last one stands up. "Waaa~l!"

I stomp on that one too.

"Waaa~l!"

I hear another fluffle call from the left.

"Waaaa~l!"

And the right.

"Waaa~l!"

That one came from one of the upper levels.

"Waaaaa~l!"

Holy shit.

...I don't even have to move, and a few fluffles come out from around the corners of the aisle. A few carry cartoonishly large bombs, and others seem to have little bow and arrows.

I take a deep breath. "You're gonna die for that."

The fluffles aim their little bows, and I begin running towards the line directly ahead of me, weaving to the right.

The arrows move slowly in directions I was many moments ago, and I eventually reach them. I rip the blade up one's face, and I bisect the torso of the other archer.

The bomb carrier tosses the bomb at me, and it bounces off my chest.

I pick up the bomb, and throw it back.

The fluffle catches it.

"please no" It stares at the bomb.

Bam.

...It wasn't even loud. It just kind of happened. The fluffle was gone, though.

From around the shelves that surrounded me, a myriad of fluffles carrying large bombs came out.

"Waaaa~l!" One wailed, suited up in some tiny brown armor.

They all threw their bombs towards me at once, and I deflected the few that came for my face.

...I just ran out of the radius, and waited for them to explode.

Boom!

The collective noise was loud. A few fluffles were lost in the blasts.

...The remaining ones pulled new bombs out of nowhere.

I moved out of the way of those ones as they were thrown at me. They, too, exploded nowhere near me.

I pull out my second pair of steel scissors, and charge at the remaining fluffles, dodging their bombs every now and again. With a smirk, I viciously rip and tear into them, leaving them dismembered or hopelessly mutilated.

"Waaa~l!"

Overhead, oversized fluffles flapped their fins, carrying in fluffles in green armor. They dropped them in from the sky, and they landed.

Thud, thud, thud.

Three suited fluffles stood before me, holding oversized broadswords.

They cautiously approached me, holding their broadswords behind them with a single fin… somehow.

They all paused, and I backed up.

"...Waal!" They all exclaimed at once, and then all did an overhead slash at once.

Okay.

...I took the broadsword from the fin of the middle one and clubbed it over the head with it, crushing it. After I killed it, the broadsword turned into dust.

The other two brought their swords back. I walked up to one and stabbed it in the face, killing it.

"Waal!"

The other one tried a jab, but I walked out of the way. I finished it with a stab.

"Waaa~l!" It wailed. Unlike the others, it stepped back and put its open fin on its face, and held up its sword.

Shi~ng!

The fluffle fell apart into dust, and the armor fell apart… but the sword remained floating. Half of the sword fell off and became dust, while the other half floated in the air.

What the hell?

As the sword floated towards me, I could make out the glowing shape of a fluffle still holding onto it. The sword spins through the air, and I duck under it. It whirls past me.

I'm not entirely certain how to attack something like that. I run up to it and stab at the fluffle image.

"Woh!"

...The sword clatters to the floor, and dissipates into dust, along with the fluffle.

Well, then. There seems to be no more competition.

...Koakuma struts over to me. "You killed about one percent of them. Good job."

How many of the bastards are there in here!?

Koakuma freezes, and we hear a sound.

Vrrrr!

"...Marisa?" I guess.

Koakuma shakes her head, and looks down one of the open aisles. I look down it as well…

There is a fluffle. It doesn't end there, though. There is a fluffle with a whirring mass of tomes behind it, floating through the air. The mass of tomes takes up the entire width of the aisle.

They all begin glowing.

Koakuma's pupils contract. "Oh, shit!"

She does that quick dash to slide out of the way, and I run to the side, exiting the aisle.

Vrrrr~!

A large, rainbow-colored laser is shot from the tomes.

...Koakuma dashes back over to me. "Now, that thing. That fuck has been here for like, three days now, and Patchouli's not doing shit about it. She's not even, like, telling anyone!"

Let me guess… "I'm supposed to somehow do something about it?"

"Yeah. I don't feel like fighting it, either." She shrugs. "Patchouli could, easily, but she's, you know, 'studying'..."

I move out to face the whirling mass of tomes.

Koakuma blinks. "Oh, you're actually…?"

I take a gaze at the incoming mass of tomes.

The fluffle in the center takes a gaze at me.

"Waaaa~l!" Its wail is accented with an intense magical tone to it, sparks of raw mana shooting from it.

I backpedal a bit. The construct moves slowly, but gradually, so I'm pretty much going to be backpedaling the entire fight.

Three tomes leave the mass, and open up. The pages whirl rapidly, and those spectral fluffles wielding broadswords emerge, floating through the air.

Two are surrounded by a light blue barrier of some sort, encasing them strictly. I look up and notice two brightly glowing fluffles with equally bright tomes focusing on them.

With all this magic whirling about, I'm also reminded I've got spells I probably should use in a situation like this.

"Waaa~l!"

The tomes glow red, and a series of fireballs is hurled into the air. Two strike the blue barriers and vanish, but the other three hit the floor before the monstrosity of literature.

I observe a spectral fluffle with a broadsword, the only one unguarded, near me, holding up its sword as if it was going to try to smack me with it like it was a flyswatter. It swings it down, and I simply grab it, ripping it from the specter's fin.

I then march towards the fluffle surrounded by tomes.

"Here!"

I chuck the blade in. It strikes the fluffle, but rebounds off it and clatters to the ground.

"Waaa~l!"

The tomes glow blue, and suddenly torrents of water begin spraying out, soaking myself and the two specters present.

I'm not sure how specters get wet, but they were apparently dripping, even with those barriers active.

Speaking of barriers, I look up at the tome-toting fluffles.

"Gravity!" I beckon one downward.

Fwooaaa~h!

The orb of darkness envelopes it, and sends it to the ground. It lands somewhere atop a shelf, its tome clattering away from it.

The barrier on one specter fell. I immediately moved to it and grabbed the sword, and chucked it at the magical nightmare again.

It clattered off it again, but the fluffle was visibly affected by it. "Waaa~l!"

The tomes begin glowing with rainbow energy…

I think it's time to hide!

I duck to the side of a nearby exit to escape the inevitable.

Vrrrrrr~!

The rainbow beam engulfs the entirety of the aisle I was once in.

Once it ends, I re-enter the aisle. There were no more assisting fluffles.

I raise my hand to the air, and throw it forward.

A different 'vrrr' sound fills the library- a sawblade falling from the sky and landing on the central fluffle in the horde of books.

"Waa-waa-waa-...!"

The fluffle was eventually cleaved through.

Kaboo~m!

It then exploded. I was blown back by a large blast of raw, non-elemental magic, and slid across the carpet on my back.

That felt vaguely unpleasant.

As I stare at the ceiling, Koakuma walks over to me, and stares down. I can see up her skirt, and I don't think she cares.

"Well, you did more than I thought an outsider could. I would've just leapt at the fluffle and tore it apart from the get-go, but that's just me."

That's easy for you to say, with your likely high magical resistance and claw nails.

She leans over, and places the black scissors on my chest.

"...If you wanna fuck, just let me know." Koakuma adds, before floating away.

I like having my soul, thanks.

...As I stare at the ceiling, Yukari leans over me.

"Hello." I greet her.

Her skirt is too long to see up, in any way, shape, or form, sadly.

She frowns down at me. "That was quite a stunt you pulled, earlier today."

To be fair, I didn't expect that youkai exterminator to go apeshit.

"...Considering the only thing you killed was some fluffles, this time, I don't know whether it's a stroke of luck, or a change of heart." Yukari folds her arms.

Stroke of luck. Enough snow to fill a small ocean makes it hard to hunt anything. There's also that whole 'Yuyuko's going to insta-kill me if I kill another human' thing.

"In any case, your time here is over."

And so, I fall into a gap.

/ / / / HOLY CROSS / / / /

I sat at the kitchen table with Yuyuko and Youmu.

Youmu looked like she was going to shove her blade up my ass.

"I had Yukari bring that exterminator over…" Yuyuko started recounting her tale, eating some cake while she did so. "It didn't go so well."

Youmu blinked. "How come?"

"Well…" Yuyuko began thinking…

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO: YUYUKO SAIGYOUJI'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

Yukari~... Where's the exterminato~r? I'm bo~red!

I'm just out here on the lawn, next to the stone path, waiting for Yukari to come along with this brand new, latest, greatest, exterminatorest exterminator.

His name was Joe… Canstanti? Candandi? I don't really remember…

It's also kinda bad, because the lawn is still ruined, right now. I don't want him to think the afterlife is all grey hills, and stuff…

Yukari opens a gap in front of me!

Barely able to contain myself, I let my arms raise…!

Yukari walks through!

Followed by~...!

Jo~e! Hello, Joe!

"Jo~e" I cheer!

Joe is a pale guy, with brown hair, and this grey, plastic-y suit on. He's got this bag thing, and some kinda gun…

His eyes widen, and lower.

Oh, my!

He then looks around.

"...What the fuck, dude." He gaped, taking in his surroundings. "W-whuh- where…"

"Welcome." Yukari grinned smugly. "I wasn't lying, was I?"

He looks around at the nearby hills, still shocked. "Oh-oh my god…"

"Hello, Joe!" I greet him!

He then looks even lower, noticing my ghostly tail, and then he blinks. "...Where am I?"

"Welcome to Hakugyokurou." I greet him.

He tilts his head. "Hakaku-what? Ooh…"

Yukari pulls some things from a gap she opens near herself. "Here. You'll need this," She takes out a large club, and puts it in his arms. "And this," Followed by a large bomb, "And this," And a toaster.

She pats him on the back. "Good luck."

"Th-this is so much to take in…!" His eyes are still wide. "Who… who are you?" He asks her.

"Samantha Roogle." Yukari answers.

He nods slowly. "...I-I don't know…"

"You are here to exterminate bugs, if I need to remind you." Yukari reintroduces why he's here.

"Bu-bugs? Here?" He looks around. "How?"

Yukari giggles. "Fufufu… don't ask stupid questions. They are in the shrine ahead. Best of luck, sincerely."

With that, Yukari gaps herself away. I see her re-emerge on a nearby hill in the distance.

Joe gulps. "O-oh. O...kay…"

He walks up to the front steps, and takes a deep breath. "I-I don't know! This-this all seems like… so much, but… I-I think I can do it!"

I beam. "Good luck, Joe! You can do it!"

He moves to the door, taking a moment to notice that it's a Japanese sliding door, and opens it.

Boom!

"Aae!" I yelp!

Joe is gone, a cloud of smoke billowing out of the front door.

Gingerly floating towards it, I lean around the corner. Yukari leans around the corner with me, hanging from a gap. I see a fluffle sitting atop an oversized cannon.

"for the glory of nuggets"

Jo~e! Nooo~!

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MATT'S PERSPECTIVE / / / /

"I don't think I'll be using the yellow pages again." Yuyuko states and smiles.

I assume it went poorly.

/ / / / FREAKIN GENSOKYO / / / /

CHAPTER 34.5 END

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher

PRIMARY WEAPON: Bloodied Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with fresh blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point!

INVENTORY:

Steel scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Flame Scissors - Fire-elemental scissors that have an incendiary effect on strike. Boosts fire magic and abilities, as if I had any. Enchanted to grant 20% fire resistance, and reduce discomfort near fire.

Sleek Black Scissors - Succubus training tool. Allows for horizontal quick-dashes, for dodging and agility purposes. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing.

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

A Fluffy Hooligan - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech!

Book of Rebomb - Teaches basic and advanced bomb magic. Written in some fantastical language, so I can't read it.

(1 more empty space)

PARTY:

Rebomb Fluffle - Soft, and warm to the touch. Ech! Has a gag on to keep it from casting Rebomb over and over again, which would be a very bad time.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Rebomb - Advanced bomb spell that blows up the nearby vicinity with random bombs. Very random damage.

INVENTORY:

Finsticuffs.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

WOW THIS TOOK FOREVER

rewrote scene with yuyuko at the end to make it less cancer

anyway

this chapter took a session of congress to make any substantial progress; well more like HAD ONE in any case

as always, see you all next time!

also albus totally isn't a blatant character adaptation from Castlevania: Order Of Ecclesia, noep (by that i mean he is and he belongs to his respective owners etc)

yeah he's pretty cool- you don't need to know anything about that to appreciate his insanity, though; and this version's not totally faithful, either, as far as personality is concerned

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

progress was actually made this chapter instead of just completely screwing around, which is fun

we actually have a direction we're taking this this time instead of just doing what comes to mind. mainly because i had a few things planned that couldn't make it in. i blame the length i stayed in the library due to fluffle shenanigans, which was much longer than anticipated

no one has died recently, well aint dat a hoot. don't worry though, yo, because i know what i'mma do next. fun times ahead