(in which we have a drink with a crazed gunma-... youkai exterminator)
I land outside Alice's house, which has been neatly cleaned of snow to produce a perfect circle around the house. Even the finer bits on the grass are all clear, something of which I have no idea how she could've done. Maybe fire magic of some sort…?
Looking along the snow walling, I notice a fluffle who burrowed into the snow. His home was exposed, the tunnel upwards and small inner cave it dug apparently cleanly bisected. The fluffle still acted like it was a tunnel, for some reason, though, and hid in the inner alcove bit.
"You're a snow fluffle." I tell it.
"honh" It looks at me.
How cuddly.
I move up to Alice's door…
Knock, knock. I give a polite knock this time…
The door swings open.
"Hello?" It's Alice!
"Hello, friend." I wave to her. "I'm here to sell you my wares."
She stares at me dryly. "Really, now…?"
I nod. "Yeah, yo. Hold on just a second…"
Running off the porch, I dash at the snow fluffle!
I take it from its home.
"friend no" It wants to snuggle…!
That exchange said and done, I return to Alice, and present the fluff nugget to her.
"Slovakian king, ten dollar." I set my offer!
Alice shuts the door.
"Friend! Slovakian king! I lower price! Friend!" I begin kicking at the door!
She opens it, again. "Do you actually need anything, or have you come just to be annoying?"
"I actually came to see if I can learn the magics and things." I ask of her. "It's also cold, and Marisa's house had crappy heating, for what little was left of it."
Alice sighed. "Come on in, then…"
Score!
She allows me in and I instantly bask in the warmth of the house, sitting at the table. "Yo ho ho~..."
Alice moves to the opposite chair, and takes a seat herself. "What were you spending so long at her place, for?"
"Ah, you know." I shrug like an asshole. "Building igloos in my spare time…"
"...She made you build her a house in exchange for magic, right?" Alice speculated.
Dayum. You're good at this…!
She reads my expression. "...Well, at least she's stopped holding that grudge. That grew old after the first day of complaining."
I know the feeling…
"For starters," Alice holds up a finger. "What types of spells can you cast? I'm asking so I don't teach you anything you cannot even cast, or anything that would demolish your mana pool."
"I can make a tiny, holy blast!" I'm gonna hazard that's my most costly default spell!
Alice blinks. "...A little more than I thought you capable of. Suffice to say, I'm not much of a practitioner of standard magics. I could do fireballs and things, but… I'm more into finding thoughtful ways of using mana, such as the mobilization of objects, or manipulating people's afflictions."
I tilt my head. "Can ya just teach me telekinesis?" I saw Marisa do a large version of it earlier.
"Unfortunately, no." Alice shakes her head. "That would require you to do some reading, and I don't quite have that introductory book on me. Patchouli might have it. It's in Romanian, by the way."
Well, that's just peachy. "Nevermind, yo."
Alice puts her arms on the table, leaning forward. "Hmm… There's basic elements of spells, but I don't feel like teaching you those. I have my own interests, too, you know."
Pain. Gensokyo needs a magic academy, or something. Too bad the human village is too fookin' stoopid to actually do something like that.
"I could teach you basic string manipulation." Alice offered. "It's more like basic physics. You'll need a lot of precision and dexterity, however."
Wow! Two things I'm abysmally bad at! Sign me up, yo.
"Definitely." I agree.
Alice blinks, genuinely surprised. "...Really? It's not something to be taken lightly. Properly managing strings takes time and practice, for a beginner."
To~tally. "Absolutely."
"...Alright, then. Here."
She laid a spool of string on the table. It was some generic, pink string.
"I'm starting you with something simple." She began explaining my task, "I want you to, with one swipe of your hand, bind that string to the door knob and open it."
Let's retrace our steps, here. 'Simple'...?
I look at her like punted a cat.
Alice sighed. "Genuinely, it's not hard. Give it a first try, I wish to see how well you do with just your wits, and no prior knowledge."
You speak as if this didn't sound totally impossible.
Unspooling some string, I stand…
"...Make sure to cut the string, by the way. It's no good leaving it in the spool."
Su~re.
I stretch it out to a really long length…
"That's too much." Alice chides. "That would be too simple."
Who are you!?
...I try to reel some back in, but it proves difficult.
Alice sighed. "I may as well prepare a string for you, too."
She gets up, and moves up to me, pulling a pair of scissors from parts unknown. Swiftly, she cuts a strand from the exposed string, and uses her open hand to spool the rest back in.
She hands me the string. "There you are. Show me your technique."
I had technique?
Time to demonstrate it!
...Hmm.
I stare at the door knob. I wield the string in my left hand, and pretend to be a Belmont, whipping my string as if it were a whip.
It does not even reach the door knob because it's a string, not a whip.
…
Alice stares at me blankly.
…
I try to whip the string at her. "Hyah!"
It floats through the air daintily.
…
"...Ah." Alice allows herself to make noise. "...Let me show you how it's done."
She brings her arm up in the air, and whips it outward- not in a whipping motion, mind you; she was whipping the arm itself to the side. A thin, barely visible string rolls across the air, brushing the ceiling, before wrapping around the door knob's base.
Alice drew her arm back and twisted it, turning the door knob and pulling it open. I barely saw this chain of events unfold, because it was so brief and I could only make out the glimmer of light off the thin, steel, string.
Her string loosens, and she retracts her arm towards herself to bring it back.
…
I point at her. "Do you happen to know a Spider Man?"
Alice shook her head. "I'm not friends with many spider youkai."
Pfft. Nevermind, then…
"In any case, unless you can demonstrate to me that you can at least do what I showed you… then I'm afraid there's nothing further I can teach you."
That's like Patchy casting Royal Flare and going 'if you can't match that, I can't teach you'. A bit of an exaggeration, but in the same territory, more or less.
I nod. "Alright, yo. I'll go practice at home, yo."
Alice smiles. "Oo~h, you have a home, now?"
I shake my head. "Nah, but it fit the sentence. Worst comes to worst, I can just sleep under a table, or something." I've gotten alarmingly used to that sort of thing.
…
"I see." Alice nods slowly. "Well… are you here for anything else? I don't mind you sticking around, this time. I'm not particularly busy."
Hmm. I might split, bu~t… "What've you been doing recently, yo?"
She shrugged. "Ah, just making some dresses I thought of making, but never got around to."
How mundane… "Do you got any exciting ones, yo?" I don't know where I'm going with this!
She stares at me levelly. "Exciting in what way?"
She's onto me! "I dunno! I'm freakin' bored!" I throw my arms up!
Alice sighs. "We~ll… I have one, I guess."
Ooh?
"Wait here…" Alice gets up, and goes into her room.
I wait for a moment. What was with her hesitation? Is it a rather risky dress? Is it something… kinky? Cosplay!?
She emerges holding something rectangular.
What…?
It's clearly made with cloth, it seems. The box part has a stand that seems to be made of coat hangers, and the top part reminds me of a blanket. Except it has a barrel on one end of it.
"Here it is." Alice introduces it. "It's not done yet, by any means. I'm just testing an idea I had."
"That's not a freakin' dress. That's not a freakin' dress at all!" I point at it. "S'that a fookin' sentry gun!?"
She nods. "You know of it? Yes, I had an idea for a magical automated turret. It's not that my dolls aren't doing their job, but…"
She gestures to a shelf, and I turn to look at it.
"Do you see anything wrong, here?" Alice asks me.
My eyes search the shelf. On it, there are various dolls, some armed, others, not so much. Except…
My eyes see something that's not exactly one of Alice's dolls, wedged between two.
A fluffle sat between two, motionless.
"...One of those dolls is not like the others!" I observe.
"One of those dolls are vermin." Alice actively insults it. "The worst part is, my dolls don't recognize it as a youkai, or any form of biological life form, because it isn't."
I look at the sentry. "So, that thing…"
"It shoots anything that moves, basically." Alice shrugs. "All it does is shoot basic danmaku, however. Nothing ruthless. It should be enough to take care of the fluffy menace."
She waves her hand, and it aims at the fluffle. She moves it again, and it fires a few shots.
The fluffle explodes into dust before it can react.
"At evening, I'll set it on automatic." Alice nods.
"Fluffy." I stand up. "...How does that thing even work on the inside?"
"Simple wood frame." Alice shrugs. "It doesn't need to be durable."
Mmm…
Alice focuses on me. "Actually, would you like to stay, and help me sew? You'd just need to hold things."
While that is indeed within my job qualifications, I don't feel like holding things for up to an hour, or more. I've had enough manual labor for a good number of chapters! "We~ll! I think I'm gonna hit the o~l'... dusty trail."
Alice pouts. "I see how it is. Don't let me hold you back, then."
I nod. "Ye, ye ye. Ye."
Leaving her house, I close the door.
Outside, Ha-chan is covered in fluffles.
"Brad-kun!" She cheers. "Look! I found friends!"
All the fluffles cease their wriggling, and look at me.
…
Ladies and gentlemen. Ha-chan has found fluffles.
I walk out into the clear area, and begin spinning up the Yin-Yang Flail-o-copter.
"..Brad-kun! Wait!" Ha-chan hobbles towards me as I begin floating away. "Wa~it!"
By the time she's caught up, I'm long gone. "...Noooo~!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I touch down in the midst of a thinly dug-out path in the snow, right before the village gates proper. Did they send out guards to shovel it? It's a bit deep for shovels, but it's still super messy. I don't know what the frik happened here… but the floor is solid ice!
The flail-o-copter gets stuck in the snow, allowing me to pocket it easily.
...Clumsily, I alternate between dealing with sliding around like an asshole and plucking my hands in the snow to stabilize myself. Problem is: snow is cold. Difficult times!
After momentary fumbling about and incredulous frustration with nature's gameplay mechanics, I reach the village gate!
The guard folds his arms. "Awful cold for a traveler, huh?"
I agree. "Cold as balls."
He laughs, voice raspy. "Hahahah. So… How'm I gonna know if you're a youkai're not?"
I take out the Youkai Inconveniencer. "Who carries something this holy?"
"How can I tell that it's holy?" He smirks. "Coulda just painted that. Gold is easy to come by for youkai, I'm sure."
My jaw drops. "Dude! You seein' this!? It's freakin'- it's holy!"
"Now I really don't believe you." The guy leans back against the gate. "I'll tell you what. You go the other way, and I don't kick your ass."
...I engage the flashlight feature, and shine it at him.
"Wha-hey!" He covers his eyes with his hand. "No good…! That's it, you're asking for it!"
He draws his sword, but I backpedal, keeping the light on him. Then, I channel my energy to the hanger…
FwwWoosh!
I generate an orb of light energy at his location, that expands.
"Hu-whoa~!" He gets pushed by it, flying backwards into some snow. "Oof!"
"Don't make me shove Jesus up your ass, son." I threaten. "I was the tenth great Pope of the outside, yo. I'll purify you so hard I'll get rid of your ancestor's status effects."
I'm seriously just done with the guards at this point. They can kiss my ass.
He climbed out of the snow, and slipped onto his ass again. "D-damn you, youkai…! You won't get away with this!"
Seriously!? "Dude, I just casted nothing but holy shit! I'm like, a shrine temple holy person! This is disrespect or something!"
"Call yourself what you want! No holy man would harm another human being!"
This guard, dude. "Dude, I pushed you into the snow. What, do I got like a… like a two-star wanted level now, or somethin'?"
The guard finally gets onto his feet, holding his sword shakily, his body shivering. "St-start making sense, you beast…!"
These guys are just unreasonable. Now I know what it'd feel like to go back in time and try to show tablets to people in, like, the seventeen hundreds.
Actually, this would be a good time to practice shit.
I hold my hand up, channel mana, and throw it towards him!
A pillow bounces off his helmet. He pauses for a moment, and glances at it, retreating from it.
"...It's not a bomb." I assure him.
"It's suspicious." The man argues. "It could be a trap."
It's a trap!
"Sure, friend." What else could I throw at him…?
I hold up my free arm again. This time, he charges!
"Die!"
Woah, shit! I flail the Youkai Inconveniencer at him, and end up clipping his sword, forcing him to retreat, thinking I'd disarm him or something.
"Hmph!"
He tries to return, but I make a bright flash with it!
Fwaa~sh!
"Gah! Dammit, my eyes…!" I hear him slip, again. "Guh!"
Freakin'...
Once my eyes clear up- and presumably his- I glare at him. "You're a real fuckin' tryhard, you know that?"
"Hah! Did I make you mad?" The guard grins. "What's wrong, youkai!?"
I hold my arm up while he's still on the ground, and close my eyes, envisioning a hollow star…
After channeling my mana, I throw my arm forward. "Lucky Star!"
A glowing yellow star materializes above my head as the man begins standing…
It barrels down towards him, and he guards.
Dink!
"Graa~h!"
The star bounces off of him, and he's thrown into the snow again. "A-agh…"
I whistle!... or not. I tried. "You lose, son. I'm going inside, because you failed. Then I'mma gobble 'em up, 'cause that's what youkai do, or something."
"Ghh…" The guard groaned, struggling to get out of the snow.
I walk up to the gate, and turn the lever to open it. Once I open it a quarter of the way, I get down and crawl under it.
…
It's cold on the floor, by the way. Kinda a bad idea, but I'm in the village now, so whatever.
Walking forth, I quickly blend into- oh wait, there's nobody here.
Not many people on the streets today, it seems. I eventually make it to the village square, where there are actually some people. Not many people, but some.
...I strut over to the medicine stand, which is setup today, but unmanned. I didn't pay it much mind, before, but this clearly looks like the interior lobby bits of Eientei, just with less stuff in the open.
S'weird, though, 'cause I remember nothing being here but an empty stall, other days.
It's also very silent! Everyone seems to be in a 'let's get the hell out of here' mood, too.
Did something happen, or is it just because it's stupid cold?
Some guys come down one of the main roads, walking into the town square.
"Cheer up, mate. Look, I'll even buy you an orange juice."
Well, not quite. More accurately, a kid and his dad, I think.
A messy, blond-haired man, looks down at the blond, robed child. "Look, I just-... Ughh…" He crouched down, and spoke to the kid in a lower tone.
...I slowly drift towards them, to eavesdrop.
"The hell am I supposed to do, Fred? I don't have any leads, and that… that bitch, she got away. Everyone thinks I'm all washed up, and I've not even hit the top, yet."
Fred awkwardly reached his hand out onto his shoulder. "Uh… It's alright, Albus. You'll… do good… someday?"
Albus gave Fred a conflicted stare, before standing back up. "...Maybe you're not the person I should be talking to this about."
Fred nodded. "Maybe I'm not. But, hey, look, you'll get your groove back in no time, I'm sure."
The man named Albus nods. "Yeah. You're probably right. All it'll take is a few more heads, and everyone'll be willing to forget. Just you wait."
Considering I've little else to do, I think I'll screw with these guys. Albus is dressed funny... actually, they're both dressed funny- for villagers, anyway. Maybe they're not total assholes!
I walk up to them. "Hehe~y, guys! How goes the village sports, and things?"
Albus and Fred turn to me.
"...Just who are you?" Albus questions.
"They call me…" I pause. "Ronald."
Ronald McDonald is my favorite Touhou character.
Albus nodded. "O~kay. Actually…"
He and Fred exchange looks. Now that I think about it, Fred's a freakin' weird name for a kid. He looks like he's twelve.
"How'd you like to buy us some drinks?" Albus grins.
"You say that as if I had any money." I shrug.
His face falters. "Oh. So you're homeless, then?"
I grin sheepishly. "Uh… Youkai did it, etcetera?"
Albus laughs. "If I had a yen for every time I heard that. Who, then?"
Hmm… "They were big." I spread my arms out. "And mean."
"...Like an oni?" Albus guesses.
Where did that guess even come from? When was the last time they saw an-!?... You know what? Forget it.
"Sure." I fold my arms.
Fred looked at Albus. "Y'know, there was that oni that hangs around the Hakurei Shrine."
Albus nods. "You may be onto something… Tell us more, sir."
Uhhh… "...She was big." I stress. Suika's not big, so~...
Fred nodded. "I read in the chronicle that that oni, she can change size, yeah? She probably did it when she did in this fellow's house."
Albus' eyes widen. "Then… it makes perfect sense! The snow-in the other day! No wonder it looked so off!"
...Albus glanced at me. "...Why did you wait so long to tell somebody!?"
Woa~h! Inside voices, son. "No one'd listen to me! They called me a hobo. They said my legs were gone!"
I gesture to my legs. "My legs are very clearly still here."
Albus' eyes widened a little at my description, but he shook it off. "O-oh. Well, alright, then… We'll bring that damn oni to justice. It'll give us good leverage against the Hakurei, too."
I would just like to add that I didn't participate in this. These guys just went on a tangent and jumped aboard the first conclusion they came to.
I'm also curious what they have against Reimu. Is this one of them villages where they're up in arms about Reimu not being a violent genocidist like them? Hnngh, I've never liked these types of people…
Albus patted me on the back. "What do you say we buy you a drink? Maybe that'll jog your memory a bit, huh?"
Ehn. "I don't drink, yo."
Fred smiles- the kid's got a catlike grin, holy frik- and speaks to me. "Oi, I know a real good pub down the way that sells a good orange juice. Actually, tell you what, you can 'order' the beer, and I'll switch my OJ with ya. How's that sound?"
Uu~h? "Aren't you, uh, a lil young…?"
...Fred sighed. "Bloody hell. Fuck me."
Albus chuckles. "Eheh, you see, Fred's older than he looks. A lot older."
"I'm twenty-fucking-two, thank you very much!" Fred yells. "Not twelve! Not ten! Not fourteen! Twenty! Two!"
I think I've found his berserk button.
"...Now people are staring…" Fred shrinks in his little navy blue robe.
Albus sighs. "Let's just go, guys."
We begin navigating towards a pub!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Hehe~y, I see Komachi, here.
Albus sits next to her, I sit next to Albus, and Fred sits next to me.
"Hee~y… Itsh that guy… who kills people." Komachi has her head on the counter, a wide blush spread across her face.
Albus frowns at her. "I don't kill people."
Komachi laughs. "Hahaha~! Ohhh… you'd be a riot at a party."
"...Drunk." Albus jabs, but Komachi doesn't even respond.
I feel like that's a warning sign. I'll remember that!
The bar keep walks up. "Evenin' fellas. What'll it be, Albus?"
"Two beers, and an orange juice." Albus lists.
"...That other beer better be for the guy with the long hair, and not that kid over there." He cautions. "I don't sell the stuff to minors."
I'm reminded I have Kaguya's wig on. You tend to forget those sorts of things, when you've worn them for a long time.
Fred slams his hands on the counter. "I'm twenty two!"
The barkeep raises his voice. "You don't fuckin' look it, aye? You come back a few feet taller, 'n' I'll believe ya!"
…
"Ahem, sorry, sorry. Let my emotions… get the better." The barkeep sighs. "Two beers?" He asks.
Albus sighs. "One beer, two orange juices."
Fred seethes. "Da~mn."
The barkeep fulfilled his order, bringing us the juice and alcohol.
I just thought of something. Where the hell did they find oranges…?
Fred glared into his orange juice.
I turn to Albus, who was frowning into his drink.
Fun people.
"So, Fred…" Albus begins. "Where do you think we'd find her?"
Fred perks up. "Who?"
Albus rolls his eyes. "The oni, Fred. The one we just talked about."
"O-oh, right…" Fred adjusted himself. "What do you say we just search the shrine?"
"What? And face off with that spoiled, teenage runt?" Albus grimaced. "Even worse, if we find her there, what would we do, then?"
"You can teleport, y'bastard." Fred argued. "Just pop in, pop out. Easy."
"The brat can teleport too." Albus argues. "I did my research."
"...Who? The oni, or the Hakurei?" Fred tilts his head.
"You- ugh, the Hakurei, Fred. You're the intel guy, Fred!" Albus begins yelling. No one really notices in the bar, though, because some other people are hollering in the back, and it's just kinda part of the atmosphere.
"Calm down." Fred leaned on the counter. "We'll just ask around, like we always do."
"What good would that do?" Albus grits his teeth.
"Guys, guys, guys…" I slam my hands on the counter!
The two look at me.
"I propose…" I lift my finger in the air. "Fluff nuggets."
…
Albus and Fred don't do anything. They seem kind of mystified, actually.
"Why don't we stop bein' a buncha mister angry eyes, and talk about stuff we like?" I try. It sounds childish, but whatever, yo. I'm getting tired of hearing these two bozos debate on how they're gonna jump a freakin' oni. Let alone Suika.
…
"Y'know," Fred looks calmer. "I think I actually quite like that idea."
Albus sighs. "But if we don't-"
"Shh. Shh. Albus. Albus…" Fred chides him. "...You can talk about your youkai genocide later. For now, we just have a good time, yeah?"
"...Fine." Albus compromised.
…
"He~y!" Komachi raised her empty mug. "Need 'nother one!"
The barkeep, used to her many requests, complied without comment.
Komachi took a big swig. "...Thanksh."
"Well." I start the discussion, because Fred and Albus seem more socially awkward than I am at the moment. "I like plant hangers, and fluff stuffs, but only on occasion."
Albus begins to take a closer look at me, likely questioning just who the hell he treated to a drink.
"...Cool." Fred monotones, obviously disinterested. "Say, actually, do y'know anything about that mansion? The one over the lake?"
I shrug. "Kinda."
"Oh, God…" Albus groans. "Not this again…"
"Shut it, Albus." Fred waves off his 'friend'. "Anyway, so, like, a year or so back, I was readin' the Bunbunmaru, yeah?"
I nod. "Fun."
He just stampedes over my single word. "Yeah- so, anyway, there was this smoking hot woman in the article. Bloody magician, too- right up my alley!"
"Fred here's been obsessed with some youkai bi-... some youkai." Albus stops himself.
I do not like the direction this conversation is taking, again!
"Patchouli Knowledge. That last name, too!" Fred gushed. "If I had the crew to brave the trek there, oh man… I've been researching hypnosis spells and such things for the past few months. All I need're Albus and some other chucklefucks to come along, and, perhaps, we could actually get there."
Albus sighed. "Maybe we'll purge that manor some day, but we're not going there with anything short of an army. Maybe you'll get to fulfill your fantasy, then."
"Where'd we get a sodding army?" Fred rose a brow.
I raise my finger. "I'd like to ask a question, friend."
Fred smiled. "All ears."
"...Hypnosis spells?" For what exact reason?
Fred nodded. "Ah, yeah. I read 'bout her in the chronicle, she's gotta heart of ice. Stone cold, from what I know. But, she's a youkai and all, so I figure if I try somethin' like… like capturing her, yeah? Th-that's not weird, is it? She'd have to listen to me, then."
…
"That's pretty fucking weird." I nod slowly.
"What do you mean?" Fred suddenly got defensive. "She's a youkai. Surely no one'd care. Hypnotise 'er, take 'er home… I dunno how it'd go from there, bu~t y'know what I'm sayin'? Plus, I'm a mage, she's a magi, maybe she'd be like… 'oh, you're a magic user! let's do it'!"
"..." I don't know what to say to this! I just give him a completely incredulous, open-mouthed stare.
Fred rolls his eyes. "Ah, piss off. I bet if you saw a pretty youkai lady, you wouldn't hesitate- I mean, think of it; maybe they don't have to be pushed off or killed. Maybe all we need to do is learn to control them!"
"...In a way I understand where you come from, but I simply cringe." I tell him.
"Well, what'd you do then?" Fred's expression turns cynical.
"I don't know. Maybe actually talk with her, get to know her…?" I try. "Go on a da~te…?"
Fred waves his hand. "Oh, that comes after. No youkai'd willingly do it with a human, surely. 'Sides, if I just walked up to her, she'd probably try to eat me- in a bad way."
Considering your attitude, she'd probably skin you alive. Maybe he'd be a bit less weird if he was actually in the situation, but guys like these, yo… he's walking, like, that line between 'pervert with a heart of common metals' and 'complete rapetastic creep'.
Albus stares at me. "You speak as if youkai are capable of socializing with humans."
I stare at him. "...I mean, they've got human-like personas, and-"
"Pfft…" Albus does a fake, spiteful laugh. "Human-like. You hear him, Fred? That's… Calling youkai 'human-like'. Hahaha…"
I think I broke him.
Fred shrugged, slightly conflicted. "Well, they can fake it, I think."
I grin. "There's humans worse than youkai, yo."
Albus scoffs. "Not all humans are bad, obviously. We might have a few creeps, but that's all."
Fred nods. "Yeah, that I can agree with. Most humans're fine, yeah? I 'aven't met a youkai yet that didn't seem like he wasn't gonna just gut me."
You guys, yo. If only you saw life on the outside.
...I lean onto the counter, looking past Albus to look at Komachi.
"Yo, Komachi!" I call out to her. She seems to have been vaguely staring in our direction anyway.
Also, 'yo Komachi' sounds good together in the same sentence.
"Oi!" Komachi raises her mug.
"Whadda you make of this?" I ask her.
"Pffft-hahaha~!" Komachi gives a merry laugh. "S'one 'f the reasonsh aye drink! Hahaha!"
Aa~h. I dunno if she's joking about that or not. Since she's drunk, I'll take that with a grain of salt, myself…
Politics in Gensokyo, people. Considerably more cut and dry, but still very ingrained in the lives of people!
Albus and Fred fall into silence.
What good people!
I listen to the chatter of random friks in the background, and I lazily look around the bar.
This place smells like booze, and I'm bored.
I stand up!
"I think I've seen enough." I comment, moving from my chair…
Albus quickly turns to look at me. "Hey, hey, won't you stick around for briefing? This is your house we're talking, here…"
I put my hand up. "Friend, please-"
"Come off it." Fred glares at me. "Hang around, yeah? It's not like-"
"List- listen, listen…" I shush him. "There's a lot to see in this life…" I wave my finger at him. "Not wastin' it here!"
With that, I move away from them and walk out of the pub.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I did not come here for any particular reason, and now I slightly regret that! I suppose I'll just have to make a reason, yo.
Exiting the pub, I quickly find myself back in the town square. The sun was already getting to the far end of the day…
I should make myself a house in the woods, at some point. I'd need like, a tower defense on the inside, though. It'd also probably be made of freakin' ice. On second thought, sleeping under tables works just fine, for now…
After I glance around, I notice the Eientei-styled stand has a person in it! More specifically, a bunny person.
Waltzing up to it, I greet Reisen, who was hunched over and lifting a box. "Hello, friend."
Reisen flinches, and looks up at me. "O-oh… it's you. What are you doing here…?"
Daa~h. "Human village." I state. I point both fingers at myself… 'Human…?"
She turns away from me, not even reacting to my gesticulations. She seems to be hastily packing up the few medicines and things under the counters, and in the few cabinets.
Hmm. "What's the big rush, friend?"
"I just can't, anymore…" Reisen whines. "I could deal with people making fun of my ears, or being afraid that I would eat them or plan to kill them, and little things like that… b-but it's just too much, now."
Okay, so~ villagers being dicks again. I feel like I need more details… "What's too much?"
Reisen looked over at me. "I even didn't mind that occasional attacker. They were always horrible strategists, and weak. Today, though… I actually got assaulted by a youkai exterminator."
...I'm having a sinking feeling, here. "Was it a blonde dude with a penchant for youkai genocide?"
Reisen nodded. "He actually shot a gun at me. I didn't even think villagers had guns!"
He has a gun!? Of all the twats to carry a firearm, it'd be the man with a fetish for genocide!
...She looked around, hoping no one heard her raise her voice. Lowering it, she continued. "Good thing he was a crappy shot- but, still…" Reisen fidgeted uncomfortably. "How am I supposed to sell medicine if I'm being actively chased out of town? N-no one's going to buy anything if I look like a criminal…"
Then, she looked at me and raised a brow. "Wait, how did you know…?"
"Saw him in the pub. He actually bought me an orange juice." I inform Reisen. "He's, uh… a piece of work."
Then there's Fred, the man who openly considered capturing my waifu and subjugating her to involuntary wining and dining.
I'm pretty sure he's not powerful enough to do anything, though. Pretty sure.
…
Reisen flinches. "He's leaving the bar right now…!"
With that, she ducks under the counter. I turn around, and lean against it, acting fluffy…
I eventually see Albus and Fred come up the street and into the town square. Reisen has some freakin' awesome eyesight. I suppose that's to be expected…
Carrots improve your eyesight, or so they say! Hyonk!
They not-so-subtly beeline towards me, and eventually confront me.
Before Albus even says anything, I confront him! "E~h… What's up, doc?"
…
"Are you just going to stand there?" Albus folds his arms.
I nod. "Yes."
Fred sighs. "C'mon. Do you not, like… feel angry, about it? I mean, your house bloody fell apart- ripped apart, even. Surely you're like, pissed? A little?"
"Totally apathetic." I shake my head.
Albus sighed. "Come on, I know you're feeling bad about it. Trust me, I feel for you, too. We'll find that damn oni together."
I don't think you realize that Suika is not a being to be shot with bullets.
I shrug. "If you say so, yo. If you say so."
Albus nods. "Alright! Our influence grows…!"
Fred sighs. "That makes three."
Your influence is growing, alright, Albus. No guarantees I won't ditch you guys, though! Freakin' jackwagons. Also, I never agreed to anything. You guys are just finding excuses to consider me part of you…!
I see something quick dart across the air over the human village, only for a moment. Albus and Fred don't notice it, but they do notice me looking around like a freakin' noob.
Fred sighs. "I feel like enlisting a hobo wasn't the brightest of ideas."
Albus frowns. "We don't discriminate. He lost his home."
"I understand that!" Fred folds his arms. "But, like…"
He leans closer to Albus, gesturing for him to crouch. Albus does so, and Fred whispers into his ear- not so quietly, either. "I don't think he's quite in his right mind."
Albus sighs. "Don't give me that political bullshit now, Fred. We accept anybody. That includes you, even though you think youkai are somehow fit to mate with."
You know, I want to know where this guy got his genocidal intentions from. There's probably a number of village guards here who are like 'well mom got eaten by a tyrannosaurus so all youkai are dirty dirty dinos but they're still kinda people' but it's like, this guy takes it to a new level. He just declares them freakin' evil and is done with it.
Fred nods slowly, taking in his point.
…
"Here's what we do." Albus steps closer to us, and speaks lower. "Tonight, we go to the Hakurei Shrine. She'll be sleeping, so this is our chance to act."
Oh? Oo~h.
Is this an assassination attempt?
Fred looks like he wants to disagree, but withholds his input.
"I don't know what oni are weak against, so I say when we find her, we just attack her." Albus proposes. "A few bullets should end this job."
I don't think you know what an oni is.
Fred looks equally skeptical. "...Al, Al, Al… Oni are tough. Very tough."
Albus hisses. "Bullets!"
"Okay, let's assume this even works." Fred speaks hypothetically. "We arrive at midnight, and shoot her. What then?"
"We leave." Albus states. "It'd be too suspicious if both the miko and the oni died on the same night. We just do the oni tonight."
I nod, and speak louder than the huddle voice they all use. "I nee~d to go home, and get my boom stick!"
…
Albus stares at me dryly. "Your home fell apart."
Oh, right. "Oh, that's right. I forgot. Well, I'll dig through the rubble, then. I needs me boom stick!"
A skeptical look from the two gives way to acceptance.
"Alright…" Albus shrugs. 'We'll be outside the village gate this evening. You'd best be there."
I nod. "Oh, I'll be there, yo. I'll be there, and I'll be square!"
With that, Albus and Fred began wandering off.
…
"You catch that?" I ask Reisen.
"Y-yeah…" Reisen climbs up from under the counter, pulling herself up. "They're… going to attack Reimu's shrine."
I grin. "Come with me, friend. We're going to prepare the festivities."
Reisen sighs. "I can't believe this…"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
After navigating to the stairs in front of Reimu's shrine, the planning phase begins!
"...Do we just wait here? Do we tell Suika and Reimu…?" Reisen questions. "I still can't believe the village has such discontent… Mindsets of that sort are dangerous."
I nod. "I don't think Suika's even at the shrine right now, so y'know…"
Reisen's eyes widen. "O-oh, that's…"
We walk onto the front steps of the shrine. I stop on the first few, and reach into my bag of tricks…
I take out Deep Blue!
"You go on up to the top." I tell Reisen. "I'll just be playin' stratego! Ho ho!"
I twist the valve, letting the water spray across the left and middle bits of the stairs- as best I can, anyway. I make sure not to touch the right side too much. Slowly, I work my way up the entire, hellishly long staircase.
I meet Reisen at the top.
"...That's going to freeze. Smart." Reisen realized.
"Yeah, yo."
"...You only froze the right side." Reisen noted. You see, from the top of the stairs, it's the right side. I actually consider it the left side.
"That's so I can walk up flawlessly while the other two break their asses trying to climb it." I grin.
Reisen nods. "Ah…"
I do the same for the path to the shrine's door, except for the one step at the top of the stairs, because I'm an asshole. Once we get to the shrine, I slide the door open.
"Hehe~y, Reimu!" I greet her. "Guess what!?"
Reimu groans, looking up from the kotatsu. "Uuu~gh… I was dozing, too…"
"Some guys with guns are coming to kill you!" I announce cheerfully.
…
"Could you repeat that?" Reimu stares at me blankly.
Hyonk. "Some villager youkai exterminator wants you dead. He has a magician person with him, too."
Reimu shrugs. "Let them come. I'd be surprised if they were better at danmaku than half the people I fought…"
I smile. "Yeah, uh, they don't obey those rules."
"I figured. I'll probably just keep my distance when they come by, then." Reimu shrugged. "Not the first time I've had to fight something that shot bullets…"
Reimu promptly gave Reisen a stare, which the bunny girl fidgeted in.
"Why're you here, anyway?" Reimu pressed.
"...I was worried." Reisen admitted.
"Mmm." Reimu just hums. "Well, there's no one who knows guns better than you, I'm sure. If you want to do something, go ahead."
"...Alright. I don't have my sniper rifle on me, but…" Reisen pulls out a pistol, and then a scope, from one of her pants pockets. "I always carry a sidearm."
I raise a brow. "Can't you do that bullet thing with your two fingers?" If I remember correctly, she can shoot magical bullets by pretending to hold a gun. I think it's a lunar rabbit thing.
…
"I-I'd rather not, to be honest…" Reisen shyly attaches the scope to her pistol. "It's always good to have an actual gun on hand, too."
"That's danmaku loaded, right?" Reimu asks from the kotatsu.
"Huh? O-oh, yeah, yeah…" Reisen nods. "High power, yes, but still danmaku."
"Mmm…" Reimu relaxes on the kotatsu again.
…
"We need giant stone wheels." I decide. "We must introduce them to the flintstones."
Reimu sighs. "No, no we don't."
Oh.
"Alright, yo, I'm gonna be traveling alongside these mooks like a freakin' spy." I announce. "Reisen, if you shoot me, I will shoot you. With my mind."
Reisen simply stares at me.
Moving to the door, I wave. "I'll see you guys later. Espionage and all that."
"Mmm." Reimu hums again.
"Alright." Reisen watches me leave.
Now…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"The fluff in the sky keeps on turnin'!" I announce my presence in front of the village gate. I'm also approaching from the side, because it'd be freakin' weird if it looked like I was coming from the shrine itself.
Albus and Fred are there, chatting up a guard.
"So~, that's when I shot her sister!" Albus grinned. "Then I shot her sister's sister! And then I shot her again!"
He pulled out a flintlock to accent his point.
"Pfft…" The guard grinned. "You're doing God's work, man."
I walk up.
The guard's eyes widened at me. It's that bozo.
"A-ah… He…" The guard points at me.
"Oh, you're here." Albus sees me. "Told you, Fred."
"Sod off." Fred was as pleasant as ever.
"We gonna get movin', yo?" I act a bit impatient. "I wanna shoot some oni in the fuckin' face! Like, 'kapow' and 'kablamo'!"
Albus cheers. "Alright, man! Yeah, we're doing this! Let's get this show on the road!"
Albus is pretty hype for a vigilante gunman!
"Th-that man!" The guard points at me. "He's a youkai!"
I act surprised! "Yo, lay off, bro! It was just a prank, bro!"
Albus looks confused.
I point at the guard. "Yo, I dropped some water on his head earlier today, now he mad, bro. Now he mad, bro! Now! He!-"
"I think we get it!" Fred yells over me.
The guard grimaces. "Egh… I'll just kill you now, then!"
Albus swiftly slips a flintlock out from his jacket thing. "He's with us."
The guard freezes.
…
"Y-yes… sir…"
Dayum. Albus apparently has respect in the village. Then again, he also has a gun.
"Let's go." Albus turns on his heel and dashes out onto the snowy path ahead, only to start slipping when he gets onto the ice. He shoves his hands into the snow nearby to stop himself. "...Slowly."
Fred pulls a wooden staff from literally nowhere, and waves it around. "Fireball!"
A fireball is shot onto some nearby ice, melting it. Fred steps onto it, only to slip on the combination of water and ice and have to plant his staff into the snow.
"Good job." I compliment their efforts.
"Shove it." Fred is as moody as usual.
I pull Swift Brand, my most normal looking hanger, from the sack, and shove it into the snow. Like that, I use it to stabilize myself as I slide along the path, moving past Albus.
"It's hopeless…" Albus teasingly jeers to no one in particular, teleporting ahead, only to slip on his ass once he gets there.
I chuckle. "You can teleport? I mean, it didn't do you a lotta good, but yo."
"Yes, I can teleport." He addresses my statement in a disgruntled manner. "Where the hell did you get that… that thing from?"
I raise my plant hanger. "Oh, I found it in the ruins of my house. My boom stick wasn't there, so I just took a plant hanger instead."
"...Sure." Albus shakes his head. He pulls out his- his two flintlocks, apparently, and starts using them to dig into the snow and push himself along the icy path on his bum.
Fred laughs. "Albus, wh-what the fuck…"
"It works, damn it!" Albus shouts back.
Eventually, we reach the shrine's steps…
"Here we go…!" Albus grins up at the stairs.
Fred glances at him. "You think we oughta do anything more? Other than fry that oni?"
Albus shakes his head. "Too. Suspicious. We already went over this…"
I make sure to take the rightmost part of the stairs…
The water I left on the other sides has frozen, and become a layer of ice.
Albus arches backward, and laughs into the evening sky. "Hahahaha~! Suika Ibuki, here we come-!"
He charges onto the first step, and faceplants onto the stairs.
"O-oh, shite, Albus!" Fred rushes to his side. "You alright, mate?"
Albus shakes his head. "I-I'm fine. These damn stairs…"
I strut up the right side, pretending to lose my balance some of the way. "Woaa~h! They damn did froze the stairs, they did, son! What're we gonna do now!?"
Albus looked to Fred. "We can't get up the stairs at all, like this. Cast fire spells, if you have any, men."
Albus aims his two flintlocks at the stairs. "Glyph in bullet! Igniz Shot!"
A spreadshot of three smaller fireballs whirls into the stairs.
"Fireball!" Fred shoots a basic fireball at the stairs.
...This is going to take literally forever.
"Glyph in bullet! Igniz Shot!"
Fwoom!
"Fireball!"
Fwoom!
You know, you guys would probably wake the sleeping dead. You're shouting your spells at the top of your lungs despite this being a stealth operation.
I look up the shrine stairs… and I see a glimmer from the top of the shrine gate. A red glimmer.
...I continue to pretend slipping on the ice. "Oh, man, this ice! Oh, wow!"
Albus glances at me. "Do you not have any magic?"
I shake my head. "I'm a hobo, dude. I've not even a boot to bash their heads in with."
Fred snorts. "Scrub."
Now just where did he learn that from? I'm pretty sure that's an internet thing…!
A red, glowing bullet whirls past us, thunking into the ice before the shrine steps behind us.
Albus freezes. "...Everyone down, now!"
Fred's eyes widen. "Cr-crap! What…!?"
I pretend to be surprised. "Oh, god! Not the pain! Anything… but the pain!" I slink into the stairs.
Albus aims a revolver forward.
Bang! Bang!
The red glint shifts slightly. I assume that's Reisen up on the shrine's gate, firing down at us.
Two more bullets whirl by, one striking Albus.
"Guh…!" He clutches his gut. "D-damn! Youkai snipers! That bitch isn't making this easy!"
He charges up a few stairs, only to start slipping again.
"I don't have time for this!"
He glares upward.
"Igniz kick! Ha~h!"
Whirling into the air, his pants legs are coated in flame as he unleashes a flying spin kick, whirling upward. A few more danmaku bullets strike him as he does this, but he doesn't seem to mind.
Holy shit.
He grins up at the gate above the stairs, likely having seen Reisen.
"You can't hit me…"
He teasingly mocks the 'youkai sniper', teleporting up some of the stairs at a time, evading bullets.
He fires up again.
Bang! Bang!
Reisen seems to flee from the position, because I see her eyes' red glint dart off into the distance.
Albus seems to notice, too. "We don't have a lot of time! Fred, whatever-your-name, get up here!"
Fred clumsily tries to march his way up the side of the stairs, shoving his staff into the snow and shakily stepping up a couple stairs at a time. I leisurely walk up the rightmost portion of the stairs…
Although, Albus is nearly at the top from his freakin' cheat codes. I think I'll just jog up the stairs, then. Fred can figure it out on his own.
I do so, and Fred indeed gapes at me. "Wh-what the hell!?"
I turn to him. "Playin' on easy mode, son!"
I quickly catch up to Albus, who continues teleporting until he reaches the top of the steps.
"Here we are…" Albus takes a deep breath. "We need to-"
A red bullet slams into him from somewhere nearby. I don't even know where Reisen is shooting from, because we have snow sorta built up all around us.
A red bullet hits me! "Agh!"
"No!" Albus glances at me, worried. "Damn! We're being shot from all directions! We're… we're outnumbered!"
We are?
I look around hastily, and I notice Reisen's red glint appearing in different places. From one of them, a bullet fires, and the other red glints disappear.
She's probably doing some teleport hacks, too, now that I think about it.
"Into the shrine! Go, go, go!" Albus shouts. I run up to the shrine door, and pretend to attempt opening it.
"It's stuck!" I tell them. "Oh, shit!"
It's not stuck. I'm actually sliding it slightly open before shutting it just to make a noise that sounds like me struggling with it.
"What!?" Albus raises his two flintlocks. "Glyph in bullet! Glacius Shot!"
A large icicle is formed from his two guns, and it flies forward like a missile-
Bam!
It impales the shrine door, and he runs up to it, kicking the rest of it down.
Reimu is standing inside, her arms folded, gohei in one hand, ofuda in the other.
Albus sees her, and grins widely. "Hahahaha~! I see you've anticipated me, Hakurei!"
Reimu offers no comment. "Cautionary Border!"
A barrier forms in front of her.
Albus shoots at it.
Bang!
He crouches, and tries again.
Bang!
...As anticipated, the barrier stops his bullets. Did he think it wouldn't?
From outside the shrine, red bullets fly forward and riddle him in the back. If they were real, Albus'd be swiss cheese!
"Gwaaa~h!" Albus stumbles forward, falling onto his knees. "N-no…!"
"Y-you!" I hear Fred yell from outside.
…
"Aaaa~h!" Good job, Fred. You got freakin' owned.
Albus looks at me. "Y-you! Distract one of them!"
I shake my head. "Sorry, son, but the trial period has expired. You're gonna have to pay a monthly subscription from now on."
He glares at me. "Wh-what!? Do something!"
"You were protected from viruses, malware, and spyware attacks." I declare. "And that reason was Norton."
"Fucking do something!" Albus roars. "I need help!"
...I see Reisen walk in from outside, carrying an unconscious Fred.
Albus turns to see her. "Y-you…!"
Reisen frowns at him, offering no comment.
Albus shakily stands up, and looks at me. "You… were working with them all along, w-weren't you…?"
I shrug. "I'm fluffy."
He begins to run towards me!
"Y-yo!" Swift Brand, do the things!
Fwooosh!
A blast of wind pushes him back. Reisen lunges towards him, and digs the barrel of her pistol into his temple.
"Don't make me do this." Reisen quietly commands him.
"Get off me!" Albus flails his arms in an attempt to escape.
Reisen tries to keep a grip on him…
"It's hopeless…" Albus teases, teleporting away. He then makes the intelligent decision to laugh, arching back again. "Ha~hahahaha! You'll never catch me, youk-"
Reimu appears next to him, and brings her gohei across the side of his head.
Thwack!
"Kaaa~i…!" Albus wails, falling over.
Thud.
…
Silently, we observe the fallen friks.
Reimu eventually speaks up. "That… was some hatred."
Reisen sighs. "I-I don't get it…"
I decide to comment, too. "Yeah, he was… pretty dedicated. He was expecting Suika, actually. He wanted to kill her."
Reimu snorts. "I would've paid to see him try."
Reisen plops Fred down on the floor. "What about this kid?"
I shrug. "He's actually twenty two."
...The girls stare at me skeptically.
"Or so he says." I add. "In any case, he's also a little screwed up. Advocates youkai violence, and all that. Bit of a, uh, creep, too…"
In the end, I fold my arms. "Fred's not an entirely bad dude, though. Albus… I dunno what goes on in his head, but I don't think he's killed anyone yet."
Reimu shakes her head. "I checked the woods around the village, this morning. I figured there'd be no guards about, with the snow being so high, and all. Usually around this time of year, the stealthier youkai have a field day with the snow for a similar reason."
"Yeah." Reisen nods. "The snow is a great place to hide. Both as a rabbit, and as a soldier."
That reminds me… "You hit me, friend."
"Ah… It was to keep your cover believable." Reisen smiled. "Sorry about that."
I have a feeling you wanted to shoot me! Well, considering the pain's gone as we speak, it's whatever.
"I mean, the snow youkai were still around. Yuki-onna, wild rabbit types..." Reimu tilts her head back and forth. "Except, whenever I checked the regular youkai den caves and stuff that constantly get filled, I found dead youkai. That's not normally a big deal, crowds of guards might gather to clear a troublesome cave of violent youkai, here or there. Sometimes a cave might just not fill back up for awhile, which is normal..."
Reimu frowns. "Except, no matter where I went, they were dead. Youkai bodies, riddled with bullet holes. This man… he was busy, and, even worse, he wasn't half bad at his job."
I fold my arms. "How many did he even kill? I can't imagine there being that many caves near the village…"
"Forty to sixty." Reimu shrugged. "I stopped counting at thirty or so."
…
"Geez." Reisen stared at him.
"They weren't all bad youkai, either." Reimu added. "Some were the more peaceful types. I also couldn't tell if any of the above-ground dens were cleared recently, either. Considering almost none of them were ever cleared of their snow…" She nodded slowly. "...We could raise that figure to a hundred or more, if we wanted."
"Really…" Reisen folded her arms. "Why, though?"
Reimu shrugged.
…
"In any case…" Reimu stretched. "That's enough excitement for one night. You can tie people up, right, Reisen?"
Reisen nods. "Better than I'd like to admit…"
Reimu gestures to Albus and Fred. "Tie these clowns up. I don't know what to do about the guy who teleports, though. Maybe you could take him to a room in Eientei and just lock him there, until I get around to questioning him."
"E-eh…" Reisen looks unsure about that idea. "I don't think Master would be welcome to the idea of housing a crazed killer like him…"
"Just tell her it's Hakurei business, and tell her to talk to me." Reimu instructs her. "Besides, if all goes well, Eirin gets a new playmate."
Reisen grimaces. "Don't put it like that…"
Reimu begins moving. "I'll get the rope. Brad, you can do whatever. Thanks, by the way."
I got thanked! That makes me feel better than it should!
The night comes to a conclusion, yo.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Reisen was gone, now, having left with Albus earlier.
Fred was in the corner of the room, arms and legs bound, still asleep.
Reimu sat at her kotatsu lazily, again.
"...You still here?" She tiredly stares at me.
I shrug. "Day is cold, and night is colder."
...She nods. "Mmm."
…
"You can stay inside, for the night." Reimu offers. "Sleep anywhere, except my room. I'm going to bed." Reimu stands, and begins walking off to her room.
…
I shall take the kotatsu, then, because it's fluffy.
…
I can't sleep! I'm in the mood to do things! But nope, yo, I'm gonna wait it out.
…
I hear knocking at the shrine door. "Yo, Reimu! You still up, ze!?"
Slowly creeping out of the kotatsu, I move towards the door, and attempt my best woman voice. "Ye-yeah!"
That sucked.
…
"Who the hell!?" Marisa slams the door open, holding a magical lantern- I assume magical, anyway. Lanterns ain't normally blue. "What'd you do with Reimu!?"
I hold my arms up. "Friend. I didn't do anything. She went to bed."
Marisa's eyes widen. Maybe I worded that wrong…?
"...What do you mean, 'she went to bed'?" Marisa lowly asked me.
Folding my arms, I elaborate. "I mean she's freakin' in her room. Go look, friend."
Marisa runs into the kitchen.
I hear another door slam open.
"Reimu!"
"Huh!?"
…
I slowly follow behind, and see Marisa walking back out, body speckled with talismans.
"Sh-she's fine, ze…" Marisa slowly walked up to the kitchen table.
Reimu walked out of her room, now in a rather plain pair of white pajamas. "Geez… Coming into my room and yelling, like that. What's gotten into you?"
Marisa sat down at the kitchen table. "I dunno, Reimu. Things happen."
…
Reimu yawns. "Well, if you want to stay tonight, you can go ahead. Due to recent events, I don't mind some guar- I mean, loiterers."
With that, she recedes into her room.
Marisa rose a brow, and spoke under her breath. "Recent events…?"
I nod. "Yeah. Youkai exterminator man from the village came here with dual flintlocks in an attempt to kill an oni. Me, Reisen, and Reimu ambushed him, and beat him the frik up."
Marisa's eyes widened. "Wha~t? The village, huh? Why Reisen?"
You're just full of questions, aren't you, friend? "Yeah, yo. The village seems to be getting a bit uppity. Also, Reisen got chased out by said exterminator man."
Marisa shook her head. "Wo~w. Good job. Chasing out the best medicine dealer in the village, just 'cause she had rabbit ears."
"...Anyway, he kinda went on a youkai rampage in the adjacent youkai dens and things."
She looked skeptical. "Did he, now? Lemme guess, sixteen tops? That's how much a band of hunters usually manages before they bite off more than they can chew."
I shake my head. "A hundred max, fifty minimum."
…
"Bullshit." Marisa shook her head. "Those're, like, numbers me and Reimu manage on an average adventure, ze. 'Cept we don't kill kill 'em, unless they're impossible assholes."
"Talk to Reimu in the morning, then, yo." I shrug, getting up. "I'm takin' the kotatsu."
Marisa gets up, and starts running to the door. "That's mine!"
Yo, no!
I run to the kotatsu as well, and we end up pushing into each other along the way, diving into the kotatsu.
"Oof!"
"Uwa~h!" Marisa yells.
We bowl the kotatsu over, then struggle to set it back upright again.
"No. I'm not using the same kotatsu." Marisa objects. "Hit the floor, or I hit you."
"There's enough room!" I argue. "We can be on opposite sides and stuff!"
"You stink, ze!" Marisa counters. "Like, no offense, but…"
I roll my eyes. "And you don't?" I wasn't gonna say nothin', 'cause that usually doesn't bother me, but, y'know…!
"Hey, didn't your mother tell ya not to insult ladies?" Marisa jabbed. "'Sides, no one's told me I stink. How do I know yer not lyin'?"
"I could say the same thing!" I argue. Although, it's been so long since I've had a bath, I don't doubt I'm a freakin' sweat bag. Such is life when you run around the wild woods of Gensokyo!
"I don't lie." Marisa lies. "Not on purpose, anyway."
Su~re. "Are you just a compulsive liar, then?"
"Not that I know of, no." Marisa would probably be grinning if I could see her on the other end of this freakin' fortified variant of a blanket.
"Not that you know of." I stress. "The nuggets' nose knows no nooses, noob." I just wanted to say that, because it made a lot of similar sounds!
"What?" Marisa was confused, and rightfully so.
Hyonk!
"Ughh…" I hear Fred moan. "Can y'two… just shut th'fuck up, already? If I'm'onna be tied up, I'd prefer to spend it sleeping."
…
"So who the hell is that?" Marisa asks aloud.
"Name's Fred." Fred introduces himself. "I'm being held captive by the Hakurei, presumably. Help me out, and I help you out?"
"...What's in it fer me?" Marisa seems interested.
"Uu~h…" Fred hesitates. "...I-I got intel on an oni, around here."
"Suika?" Marisa guesses, excitement noticeably fading from her voice.
"Y-yeah…" Fred confirms.
Marisa sighs. "Nothin' you know that I don't, kid. I-"
"I'm twenty! Fucking! Two!" Fred roars.
I hear shuffling from Reimu's room, and stomping…
"Quiet." I caution, rolling onto my stomach to pretend I'm asleep.
…
The kitchen's door slides open. Reimu stomps onto the floor of the shrine main room…
...Aauugh! "O-ouch…" She stepped on my ba~ck! Fuck!
…
"Guh!" Reimu punted Marisa.
…
"Ouch- sod off!" Fred yells at Reimu. "Hakurei bitch!"
Words to say to your captor, I'm certain.
Looking up at the action, I see Reimu glare at him.
"...Leave me alone, would you?" Fred stares into her eyes.
...Reimu looks around, then moves back into the kitchen.
"Hah." Fred grins. "Hurt her feelings, I did. I'm sure."
...She re-emerges with the duct tape. Fred eyes her. "Oi, Hakurei… What did they used to call you, again? Rei… Reim? Reia?"
She begins ripping a strip of tape from the roll as she nears him, the noise of tearing adhesive filling the otherwise quiet evening.
"...H-hey, what're you-"
…
"Mmph! Mmm!" Fred angrily muffles.
"Much better." Reimu smiles, and begins walking back to her room. "You two. Save the fighting for tomorrow morning."
"He sme~lls…" Marisa whines.
"Save it." Reimu speaks louder.
With that, she leaves the room, closing the kitchen door.
…
I've still got a bit of energy. I think I'll pull out that 3DS of mine, yo…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 35
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Unknown ice spell acquired?
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
hi friends
albus is a fun guy
since i told you all where albus came from last time, i think i'll tell you about FRED…
the personality for fred has absolutely no source other than "generic britishy dude number one million", but british people can be fun
the shota appearance comes from some hentai i read about patchouli knowledge; don't ask
(said doujin also had a similar premise COUGH HACK COUGH)
anyway uhh- oh, yeah, that's why he's such a horndog, too
in any case, see you all next time!
