(in which the human village lacks humanity)

Good morning, world!

"Brazen fluff…" I mutter.

The shrine is now naturally illuminated by morning's light. Ha-chan is still wrapped around my torso, pleasingly enough…

Birds are even chirping!... I think that snow was just a one-time thing.

Aaa~h, quiet, slow mornings. I don't think I particularly mind this.

The shrine's door slams open!

"Reimu, where the hell are ya!?"

Holy shit it's Marisa!

She dashes into the room, and looks around, her eyes scanning the room occupants. She also has a big fluffy scarf on.

"Be quie~t…" Fred moans.

Seeing no Reimu, Marisa bolts into the kitchen, proceeding towards her room.

Fred looks over to the sleeping figure of Suika nearby. He crawls over to her, and takes her gourd, and starts chugging it.

"Reimu! Where were you, ze!?"

Fred collapsed on the floor next to Suika, letting out a sigh of relief.

...

Thwack!

"H-hey! No!"

The stomping of feet and clacking of shoes becomes disorganized.

Marisa falls back into the main room.

"Oompf…"

...Reimu walks in behind her, stepping past her and slipping on socks. "Geez… Can I just wake up normally, for once?"

"Reimu, Patchy's like, pissed." Marisa informs her from the floor. "Like, super pissed!"

"She can brew, then." Reimu decides, slipping on her wooden sandals. "I still have a culprit to apprehend."

Marisa's jaw dropped. "Reimu, what're y'doin'!? Who the hell could you need to find, ze!?"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "That youkai hunter from the other day. He, as I thought, escaped again. We took his weapons, though."

Marisa summoned her broom from the shrine's floor, and stood again. "Just point, and I'll shoot, ze!"

Reimu shrugged. "Human village, I think. Brad would know the pubs he frequents and stuff."

No, I don't, actually. That's rather generous of you, to actually say I know things!

Marisa nods. "Cool."

...She walks over to me. I hear her footsteps approach me, and I close my eyes. I'm sleeping, yo, be courte-

Yo, no!

Marisa outright begins trying to lift me. She does a mediocre job of it, but it's enough to make me wriggle uncomfortably. "Y-yo, what the frik…!"

"Get up, ze." Marisa commands me. "We're goin' moron blastin'."

"...We're interrogating him, not blowing him to pieces." Reimu grinned. "I'll be coming with you, anyway, so you don't need to worry about capturing him or anything."

...Marisa lets me plop back down onto the floor. Ha-chan's still freakin' wrapped around me, too.

"What happened to 'shoot first, ask questions never'?" Marisa tilts her head.

Reimu's expression turns neutral. "I tried that. People who can teleport whenever they please are annoying."

Marisa snorts. "Pfft… Where'd he even get an ability like that from?"

"Beats me." Reimu shook her head.

"Hey, you." Reimu walks up to me, and starts prodding me with her sandal. "Get up."

I stare at her. "...What would happen, if I said no?"

A yin-yang orb formed over Reimu, and spun slowly in the air. Marisa giggled.

It seems I have no choice!

...I reluctantly break from Ha-chan.

"...Maaauuu~..."

Not so reluctantly anymore! Them yawns, yo. The hell kind of vape're you on, Ha-chan? Not that Gensokyo has that. It probably has cigarettes and other hard drugs in the human village, somewhere, but that crap can rot, for all I care.

Ha-chan's eyes blink open sleepily.

"Hi, friend." I greet her. "We're going on an adventure."

She slowly smiles. "...Yaa~y…"

Aww.

The yin-yang orb vanishes. "Marisa, he'll ride on your broom."

Marisa double-takes. "Wha~t!? You can't be serious, Reimu!"

...Reimu furrows her brows. "You let him do it before. Since when were you shy about this sort of thing?"

"I'm not shy!" Marisa glares at her. "He's just… weird!"

I'm having flashbacks, yo. Oh god, I'm getting triggered! Eeeuugh! Call the hospital!

"You're weird." Reimu counters. "Let's go. Patchouli might give herself a concussion if we don't hurry."

She begins to exit through the shrine doors.

Marisa looks conflicted. "But Reimu, I- ugh…"

...She glances at me, scowling. "...Get on."

Yo! "Alright, yo!"

I hop onto the back of her broom, and hold onto her around the waist area.

Ha-chan gets up, and moves to get onto the broom. Marisa has different plans, and accelerates us just enough to ditch her.

"Waai~t!" Ha-chan begins flying after us. She keeps up decently enough! Then again, Marisa's definitely not going full force forward, 'cause we're already next to Reimu.

Also it's co~ld today! Again! Fucking winter!

Marisa's hat is freakin' big, by the way.

Reimu drifts near the side of us. "Do you think this strange weather is caused by anything, after all?"

Marisa let a moment pass before she spoke, "Ah… I dunno. I thought so myself at first, but uh, it's not snowin' again, so…"

We quickly near the human village from above, and float down to meet the guardsman at the front gate.

It's that mustachio'd man from before.

His eyes meet mine, and mine meet his.

He grits his teeth.

"...Son, no." I held up a hand as I clambered off of Marisa's broom, nearly slipping off and into the snow and stuff.

"You!" He points at me. "Youkai bastard!"

"Son, son, son!" Calm down!

"Those men! Y-you lured them to the Hakurei Shrine!" He rose his sword. "...I will do them the honor, then! For their ideals, I will strike down the three of you!"

...Reimu and Marisa exchanged a glance. Then, Marisa pointed her mini-hakkero at the guy. "Dude, chill out. We don't even know what yer talkin' about, ze."

The man grinned. "Hah. You think that little box of lore scares me? How am I to know it's not an intimidation tactic? I'm willing to bet the word around the village is all lies and superstition."

Marisa snorts. "...You for real? I lived here not too long ago, y'know. Thinkin' like that'll get you gobbled up by a youkai. Truthful or not, if the villagers are scared shitless, you might wanna be, too."

The man's eyes widened. "...So it's true, then. You've become a youkai…"

"Oh, fuck this." Marisa groans, and channels mana into her mini-hakkero.

Fwoom!

A small blast of rainbow energy shot out in the form of a shorter, but still thick laser. It struck the man, and pinned him to the gate.

"Guh…!" He dropped his sword, and clutched his chest. "Y-you monsters…"

Reimu sighed. "I'm going to need to talk with Keine. This is getting ridiculous..."

"Wh-what do you… want with Keine-sensei…?" The man shakily grabbed for his sword, snagging a clump of snow along with the sword. Standing, he got into a steady stance again. "She's done nothing but protect this village!"

Reimu frowned.

Marisa hit him with the same blast.

"Gfua~h!" His sword landed farther away, this time.

We all awkwardly watched him fumble for it. He crawled up to it, and pulled it from more snow. "...Y-y...Hhh…"

He stood again, propping himself up with his sword.

"You done yet?" Marisa tiredly asked. "'Cause I'm just gonna keep blastin' ya."

"Go ah-head… Kill me."

Marisa sidled up to Reimu and spoke in a hushed tone. "This guy's kinda creepin' me out, Reimu…"

Reimu nodded, a worried look on her face. "I really need to talk to Keine. This… it's never been this bad."

I awkwardly walk up to the gate and begin reeling it open while Marisa and Reimu stare uncomfortably at the wannabe martyr.

"N-no!"

He begins to step towards me, only for his legs to give in. He falls to the floor, again.

"Damn it all…"

...I turn to him, staring into his glaring eyes. "No, no, no, son. You gots ta watch your Ps and Qs, or you'll never be a growing boy."

I was met with a silent glare. Marisa grinned, but Reimu just stared at me vainly.

Fun times…

With the gate open, we begin to move inside, while the man watches us.

On the inside, villagers are out and about, doing their usual hustle and bustle. What do they even buy every day?... Stupid question, I suppose, since some of their homes are literally like, ten feet wide boxes with tables inside.

"So, that guy." Reimu begins. "Where's he hang out?"

"Aa~h, down by the pub on corner 'n' tacky, wit' the old boys, yeah? Playin' some bridge'n'hookah." I nod sagely.

Reimu gives me the stink eye.

I grin. "Alright, alright, it's that one pub in the main square. The big- but not that giant casino place- one."

Marisa rose a brow. "...There's a couple pubs in the main square, buddy."

Freakin'... "I'll show you guys, then, yo."

We continue forward towards the pub. I take the left towards it, when we pass a very peculiar looking suit of armor on the side of the road.

"Woa~h." I marvel at how glowy and stuff it is! "What the frik."

It was a black suit of armor, trimmed with rainbow colors, which slowly changed every few moments. It was also empty, and unoccupied.

"Oh, hey." Reimu greets it. "Town guards. Have they been weird lately?"

The suit glows a soft blue.

Marisa double takes, and she furrows her brows. "Reimu… you okay, ze? That's… just a suit of armor."

The armor glows a deeper blue, almost going dark.

Reimu turned to her and glared. "Marisa, shush. He's nice."

"He?" Marisa gaped. "He!? It's armor!"

"It's a youkai." Reimu corrected. "...Armor youkai."

"O-oh…" Marisa wasn't sure what to make of that.

A sound similar to that of one blowing into an empty jug of water emitted from the armor.

Fwooo~...

"Sorry about that…" Reimu smiled sheepishly. "Anyway, those guards…"

The armor let out a sigh of wind again.

Fwooo~...

"...Yeah?" Reimu nodded.

The armor suddenly glowed neon orange.

"They didn't. Really…?" Reimu looked conflicted. "...Alright. I'll see what I can do."

The armor started, uh, dragging across the floor, loudly displacing the dirt as it moved down the road.

Reimu turned to us, and met our stares. "...What?"

"N-nothing…" Marisa grins awkwardly.

"How did you understand a sentient suit of armor?" I feel left out!

"Oh." She rolls her eyes. "It's not hard, if you pay attention. It expresses itself through colors and intent. You just have to focus on its mana."

"Aa~h…" Marisa suddenly got it. "Shit. Why didn't I think'a that?"

I~... do not know how to do that!

"He basically said he got attacked by them earlier, but they couldn't do anything, so he ignored them. The guards gave up." Reimu had a bitter expression. "Just what is Keine doing…?"

With that, we continued to the pub!

Walking inside, I find once again that it smells heavily of freakin' booze. Oof.

Marisa took a big sniff. "Oh~ man, it's this place. Memories, ze."

Pffft…

Reimu rolls her eyes. "We're not here to drink, you. Stay focused."

Unfortunately, I don't immediately see Albus the Pal...bus.

Komachi's here, though. I move up next to her, and begin communicating. "Hello, friend."

She turns to me. "...Who're you?"

...Oh, right. Took my Kaguya wig off, earlier.

I take it out again, and put it back on.

Komachi instantly recognizes me. "He~y, it'sh the guy!"

I'm not sure how much of me you've totally scrambled in that drunken brain of yours, Komachi. Time to ask her if she's seen-

"How y'doin'?" She wraps an arm around me and holds me close, pressing my cheek against hers.

Oh… okay, then…!

Clonk.

Komachi's head hits the table and her grip releases. I look back, and see Reimu has clubbed her with her gohei.

Komachi turns to her, a soft glare on her face. "Oi, you mind… oh. Hey, Reimu!"

Reimu points at me. "You. Over here."

Wat. "I was tryin'a-"

"Over. Here."

Hnnngh.

I move to Reimu's side again. Komachi smelled like booze, anyway…

"Hey, thash my… woman?" Komachi furrows her brows at me.

Komachi, please.

...Reimu grabs one of my hands, and smacks it with her gohei. "Hey...!"

"Bad." Reimu chided me.

That sti~ngs! "I was trying to interromagate her! I didn't expect her to-"

Reimu holds a finger to her lips. "...Let me show you how it's done."

Marisa smiles. "Ask questions never?"

Reimu looks sheepish. "...That depends. I don't do that all the time."

Komachi rises from her seat. "Reimu, now you've done… made me mad!" She pulls her scythe from under the bar stools, and slings it over her shoulder.

Shi~ng!

It sticks into the wooden counter. The barkeep's eyes widen, and he steps back. "What-what the hell!?"

Komachi pulls on it again. "...Ah, shit." It's stuck.

...Reimu walks up to her.

Whack!

"Al-alright! A-I'm sorry!" Komachi raises her arms defensively, fearful of another bonk on the head.

"Have you seen any suspicious guys?" Reimu begins the interrogation.

...Komachi smirks. "What kind of suspicious?"

Reimu stares at her blankly. "You know. The incident kind."

"...Mmm." Komachi folds her arms. "...I wash kinda hopin' you meant the sexy kind."

Oh.

"But…" Komachi cracks her neck a bit. "Yeshterday. This dude talkin' about uh, raping youkai or shomething…"

Reimu's eyes widen. "Wh-what…?"

"...You were there." Komachi points at me. "Hit him, not me."

Ey, mate… fook you.

Fred's funny when he's drunk himself into oblivion.

Reimu stares at me expectantly.

"...Alright, so yeah, Albus was here yesterday." I begin.

Marisa nods, slowly grinning. "A~nd he had a great sex scandal in the works?"

I shake my head. "Nope. That's Fred."

"Who the fuck's Fred?" Marisa appears bemused.

"Fred Fuckstone." I nod in satisfaction… "He's a grand dad." It's hip to force memes!

Reimu was getting tired of this run-around, if her furrowing brows meant anything. "Explain."

"He's that little mage fellow you guys pulled in the other day. He's back at the shrine, drinking himself into a alcoholic grave."

Komachi snapped her fingers. "Thash right! He wanted booze real bad! They didn't sherve 'em here…"

Marisa looked unimpressed. "That guy? He had pretty mediocre mana… I thought he was just some priest or somethin'."

Time to drop the bomb. "Yeah, he wanted to capture Patchy and lock her in a sex dungeon. He had a whole plan, with hypnosis spells, and everything."

Without any words, Marisa broke from us and left the pub.

"Marisa! Mari- ugh…" Reimu called out to her, but she refused to listen.

Whack!

Fuck! What the hell!? That one actually hurt!

I clutch my jaw as Reimu grabs onto me. "Come."

Jesus Christ, you've got a grip of iron! Let me walk- hey!

"You're fucked now!" Komachi exclaims mirthfully, pointing at me as I get dragged away. "Hahaha~!"

I'm being literally dragged along by Reimu now.

She lets go of me once we reach the village square. Then, she helps me get into a standing position. How kind!

"So…" Uhhh… "Honestly? That pub was all I had to go on." I hold my arms up in a sheepish shrug.

Reimu sighed. "Great..." She rubbed her temples. "Grea~t."

Reimu's sad, friends…

"Let's try the guard headquarters." Reimu decided. "That can't go worse than the pub."

"We are going to be shot in the face with all the arrows." I predict. "Then they will breed with our corpses."

Reimu turned to me, and made a pensive face… "...I'll just shoot them back, then."

...No~ comment on the last part? Sure, friend…

A short walk leaves us at the guard headquarters.

"...Ladies first." I tell Reimu, moving to the side. More than I already was, that is.

Reimu shrugs, and moves up to the double doors…

On the inside, no one notices us immediately…

However, when Reimu nears the left-most desk, the man at the counter gasps. "H-Hakurei? What are you doing here…?"

"Albus. Youkai exterminator. We have words." Reimu smacked her gohei against her open hand.

The old man at the counter looked ready to shit himself! "R-right away, miss Hakurei! Uhm…"

He sifts through files on his desk in an absent-minded manner. "...Oh! He's in the next room. He's.. re-requested to not be seen…"

"I don't care." Reimu declares, proceeding to the next room, swinging the door open violently as she does so.

On the other side, an average-looking man moves to stop her. "What're you doing here? My exterminator expects privacy."

Brave man, he is…!

He attempts to stand eye-to-eye with Reimu.

Reimu glares back.

"Se-seriously…" The man looks more vain. "Why are you here…?"

"Words."

With that, Reimu pushes him aside.

In the room proper, Albus is sitting in this big comfy chair, staring up at the ceiling.

Reimu stomps up to him, and he suddenly snaps to attention. "Ha-Hakurei!? Here!?"

He's grabbed by the shirt collar. "We need to talk."

"Heh…" He grins.

His voice echoes throughout the room. "You can't catch me."

Then, Albus is nowhere in sight.

...

Reimu grits her teeth, She pushes past me, and runs out the door of the guard headquarters, dashing faster than I thought would be possible for someone wearing wooden sandals. Like, yo... from zero to sixty.

Just like that, I am left to stand awkwardly in this holding room, or something.

The average guy walks up to me. "Sorry about that… uhm… you weren't interested in hiring an exterminator, right? They're all, um… gone." He looks around the room to accentuate his point, wincing as he does so. "Yeah…"

Considering Reimu just ditched me, I suppose I'll hear about what went down later! I'm not bothering to hunt any of the busy people down, yo.

"Actually, I came by to order some fluff stuffs." I nod gingerly. "Do you have any?"

"...No?" He looks confused.

Dang. "Nevermind, yo, nevermind. Are you hiring?"

He nods. "Uhh… Y-yes, actually! Can you fight youkai?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo."

The man clears his throat. "Ahem. Right, well… welcome to the Human Village Guard Headquarters. My name is George, and I'll be your... 'contractor'."

Yo. "Why the pause?"

"I'm technically supposed to manage you and see how you do jobs and teach and all that, but-" He stepped up next to me, and spoke quietly. "I can't fight at all… Sorry. It-it's just the only job I can do, so..."

He coughed, stepping away. "I never said that. Anyway…!" He clapped his hands together. "What can you do? I don't mean to offend, but, I'm not going to hire some guy who's just going to get brutally murdered on day one."

I take out Tundra Bloomer from my sack!

"...Oka~y." He's not impressed, yet. "What can you do with it?"

I channel mana into it, and slam it into the floor!

A small spike of ice shoots up from the floor near George.

"Ho-holy…!" He flinches, and curls his limbs towards his body to defend himself. "Dude, don't do that!"

Hyonk!

"...Alright, fine, you're hired!" He frowned. "...Jeez."

Yo~! "How much do I get paid?"

He shrugs. "Depends on the job."

Oh.

"Do you have any jobs?" I don't see why he would, all things considered…

"Yes, actually." He nods. "There's a youkai disturbance along the south end of the village."

Yo… which way was south?

"It's worth about five thousand yen."

...That's not a lot of money, is it? I don't think…

Regardless, I stand ready! "Just tell me what direction south is, and I'll be on it, sir!"

He grins. "That's what I like to hear! Also, south is that way." He points.

I thought that was north!

"I'd recommend you prepare yourself for combat, but I'm sure you knew that, already." He instructs me, yo! I feel like a real exterminator already!

"Who'm I up against, yo?" Know thy enemy, and know thyself!

George shrugs.

Shit.

"You can't miss it, though." He waves it off. "Trust me."

...Is it a boss fight? Oh, boy…

"By the way…" George tossed me something small.

I caught it, and took a good look at it…

Du~de!

"Youkai Exterminator's badge." George smiled. "Welcome to the team."

He extends his hand for me to shake it, and I do…

Wait…

Hold the phone. Hold the freakin' phone!

"You." I point at him. "You used to be a guardsman, didn't you?"

He froze. "...I-I don't know what you're-"

"Back during the headless hooligan incident!" I pointed at him. "You saw me walk in with Kaguya Houraisan and Fujiwara no Mokou! Chapter eight, remember?"

He slouched. "Alright! It's true! I used to be a guard! Now look at me." He glares at me, spreading his arms. "Look at me! I'm some fucking… failure. Some failure who hires freaks to kill other freaks."

Then, he crouches down onto the floor, and takes a seat.

He looks up at me, as I stare at him awkwardly. "What're you looking at!?"

I raise my hands defensively. "Oh- nothing, son, just, uh, just seein' myself out…"

Slowly, I make my way out, and close the doors behind me as I do so. I pause as I feel something brush the back of my head.

"Oi…"

I turn to see, infact, multiple nooses hanging from a gap.

"Hoo~h!" I dash out the doors!

Outside the HQ, I pump my fist!

Alright! It's time to go be the toon, that I always wanted to be!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This was not what my idea of a 'youkai disturbance' was like.

"Aaaa~h!"

Ha-chan ran down the road, a gaggle of town guards and some dudes in priest robes chasing her.

"Stop the Grand Fairy!"

"She's going to summon a horde!"

"Somebody! She's going to steal my store from me!"

...I'd like to ask that last dude how that'd even happen.

Also, are manor fairies more powerful than wild fairies?... I'm gonna say that's a resounding 'no', because a lot of the indoor types don't pump you full of bullets for pissing them off, most times.

"He-he~lp!" He-chan flailed her arms, alternating between flying and running as she kited the guards around. Arrows flew at her, but they had immense trouble with her mobility. Some holy bolts flew at her from the priests, and some of the guards that hit each other even got bandaged up with what I assumed was healing magic.

It was a giant clusterfuck, in short.

I raise a hand. "Hey, uh, guys… Could you stop?"

A priest in flashier robes stops, and turns to me. "You! Are a youkai conspirator!"

I take out the badge, and flash it.

"...You! Are not a youkai conspirator!" The priest turns away from me. "Ahem… s-sorry."

He claps his hands together. "Alright, everybody! A youkai exterminator has been sent to handle this dire conflict!"

All the guards cheered!

"This man, is him!" The priest points to me, and suddenly holds up one of my arms.

The cheers quickly become far more sedated. Freakin' noobs!

"...He also requests privacy in this matter!"

Guards groan, and begin to break away from their horde, slowly meandering back down the road. I could swear a few flipped me off, too.

The priest stares me in the eyes, frowning. "I trust that you can handle this?"

"No, that fairy's probably going to pin me to the floor and have fruit-flavored sex with me." I admit. "The entire village is doomed, a~nd the fairy armada'll be here by sundown. We have no chance to survive, please make your time."

His jaw drops.

...I grin widely. "Just kidding, yo, I got this!"

...His jaw never went back up.

"...Hey, son?" I wave my hand in front of his face.

...He falls over onto his back.

Ho~h, shit…!

Yeah, uhm, right. Casually, I walk away from the grand priest person.

Noticing the guards leaving, Ha-chan timidly steps towards me. "B-Brad-kun…?"

I wave at her. "I'm right here, yo."

I move to pull her into a hug.

"Brad-kun!"

Aaa~h… I wonder if I can turn this into a romantic moment? Yo~!

I move back, and stare her in the eyes.

"Ha-chan…"

She smiles. "Brad-ku-"

Pi~chun!

Oh, god damn it!

Albus runs by me, booking it as fast as possible as talismans and yin-yang orbs rain down across the plaza. One orb happened to just clothesline Ha-chan.

That's it. You fucked up, Al. You're done. Dead. Gone. If God had wanted you to hunt youkai, he would not have created me!

I take out my Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber and the Escape Plan. I see Reimu fly by me, nearing Albus. Once she nears him, however, he turns, and smirks.

"You can't hit me…"

He teleports next to me, spares me a glare, and keeps running. Reimu stops on a dime, and starts on him again.

I think I see what's goin' on… Reimu passes me again, too.

Turning in the opposite direction, I find a section of walling, jump, and slam it with the Bawmber!

Boom!

I forgot how much this hu~rts!

The force, my pain, and The Escape Plan's effects all combine, and I'm sent flying into the air!

Rocketing past a surprised Reimu, I discard the Bawmber-

Blam!

-pray to all that is holy that I didn't hit the shrine maiden, and draw the Market Gardener!

If this doesn't work, I'm going to be admitted to Eientei as a cripple!

With Albus in my sights, I near him and the floor. This better fucking work…!

I aim for his head, but he jerks to the side unexpectedly. Shit…!

The hanger strikes his shoulder. Good enough!

"Whuaa~h!?"

With my movement speed neutralizing from the impact, I'm sent tumbling with the injured Albus.

"Guh!" That was me, by the way. By the way, humans are a lot more fucking fragile than RPG characters.

Seriously, my arm! Holy fuck! It's a damn good thing this was long-sleeved… not that it helped much in some places, but…

"Guwaaa~h!" Albus, please. This is like, the second time.

We stop sliding. Albus is face down in the dirt, and I'm lying on my back, gritting my teeth.

Ou~ch. Ouch ouch ouch.

...Reimu stops next to us, and kneels next to me. "Wh-what the…!? What happened!?"

With strain, I utter… "Pain."

Reimu, though frustrated, grins. "You idiot… What the he-...What did you do to yourself?"

She tryin' not to swear? Ho ho. I'd find that more amusing if I wasn't half-dead.

"M-my fortune is yours for the taking…" I grin widely. "But you'll have to find it, first. I left everything I own… in one piece."

That statement's not technically wrong!

Reimu shakes her head. "Stop it, you. I'll… I'll find you help." She decides. She looks at Albus, and bares her teeth, frowning.

"Uuugh…" Albus tries to prop himself up on his arms-

Thwack!

"Uurgh…"

Thud.

Reimu lifts Albus over one shoulder, then moves to me.

Is she uh…?

Woah! Alright, yeah, she's lifting me upon her other shoulder! Holy frik.

I'm amazed. My stick-like arms are larger than her stick-like arms. But she can lift people, and I can't.

What the fuck, world?

With our weight on her shoulders, she's forced to walk along the path…

"It's the Hakurei miko!"

"We've got her now!"

Oh, look. It's people in those priest robes from before, except now they're in dark purple robes! Ooo~h, scary!

They begin shooting… holy bolts.

You know, I think you guys didn't plan out that whole 'being evil' shtick really well! It's a little more indepth than just dressing the part!

Anyway, yeah. We're being surrounded by dark-coated twats from the not-so-shadows of the village alleys.

Reimu begins running with us on her shoulders. I can feel her panting and struggling to hold us both as she bares through the strain of dashing down the crappy dirt road in shitty traditional wooden sandals.

I'm not gonna lie, Reimu's some kinda fucking super hero. Jesus Christ.

"Stu-stupid…" I hear her half-coherently mumble, being busier trying to breathe as she runs down the village roads. We get hit by a few holy bolts, but I honestly couldn't give a crap. Albus is unconscious, and Reimu has holy resistance, so we're pretty much fine.

We eventually begin weaving through some back alleys near the edge of the village, losing the dark buggers to the walls. Then, we come out in front of a familiar shop.

It's the Kirisame Magic Goods Store!

Reimu kicks the door a few times before it swings open, and she dashes inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I sat behind the counter with old man Kirisame and downed like two health potions.

"Hoo~h, boy." He grins. "The hell'd you do, son? Get caught in traffic?"

How does he even know that expression when they don't have cars!?

Okay, I'll bite. "Where'd that expression come from, anyway? Playin' in traffic?"

Old man Kirisame pauses. "...I heard it from the man at the Kourindou when I had paid him a visit a few months ago. Something to do with giant metal death traps, yeah? I don't get it either, but considering the traffic in the village square at high noon, I thought it made sense! Hahaha~!"

Yeah, that figures.

"...Them potions are on the house." He smiles.

Taking a quick glance at Reimu, he leans next to me, speaking lower. "...'Cause if they weren't, she'd probably bloody me…"

Duly noted!

"I can always charge my daughter later!" He grinned.

Speaking of Reimu, she moved most of the shelves out of the way, and was using some of Kirisame's chalk to draw a magical circle, and had used his paper to create various amulets and talismans for the edges. Albus's unconscious body lied in the middle, and was routinely clonked every time it tried to come back to the land of the living.

Y'know, Reimu, if you keep smacking him like that, you won't be able to interrogate him. He'll have brain damage!

I could feel my wounds heal up. It's still freakin' weird.

Aa~h.

I stand again, sprite and limber! "Thanks, yo. Dunno what I woulda done without ya."

"Bleed out?" He guessed.

Hmmm! "...Yeah, sounds about right!"

"Hahaha~!" We both shared a good giggle!

Reimu looked up from the circle at us, and sighed, shaking her head.

After some moments of chit-chat and seal creating, Reimu's seal was eventually complete.

"Here we go…" Reimu took a deep breath.

Oh, boy! I get to see a live sealing!

The amulets, talismans, and chalk lines begin glowing.

"..." Reimu silently presses her hands together in a prayer-esque formation, and closes her eyes. I see light flow from her body and connect with all parts of the circle, which seems to make the paper crafts form their own light.

The light washes over Albus, and sticks to him.

"Dark…" Reimu mumbled.

More light assaulted him, and eventually it passed through him, leaving him afterwards.

"A-ah!" Albus snaps awake. "...You! Not this time!"

He stands shakily, and begins running for Reimu. He can't seem to lift the arm I struck, so he lifts his left arm instead. When he nears Reimu, the light rushes to throw him back.

"Guh!" His eyes widen. "H-holy…?"

... He dashes for the edge of the seal, but an invisible barrier along the edge repels him back in.

He grins. "Hah. You can't seal me…"

He teleports.

His end-point is somewhere else inside the seal, however,

For some reason, he appears incredibly disoriented by that. "Wha-what…?"

Once again, he attempts to teleport out, only to end up stumbling and confused somewhere inside the barrier.

"...You bitch!" He clenched the one hand he could. "What do you think you're doing to me!?"

Reimu doesn't reply, still focusing.

"I'm a youkai exterminator! You're supposed to be one, too!" Albus kneels. "Y-you idiot! Traitor! Deceiver! Liar!"

Reimu is still focusing.

"...Cow! Sl-slut!" Albus begins crying. "Whore!"

Reimu, still, is focusing.

"...Al-alright… I see…" He frowns grimly. "I see… how it is. This is the job of the Hakurei, isn't it? To reduce the human people to mere cattle…"

Dayum.

"Hahaha~!" He laughs abruptly, and humorlessly. "Take my power, Hakurei! Silence me for good! Take my voice, and my freedom! Take it all! Take it! Take it now!"

Reimu's eyes open, and they're glowing brightly.

"Human Sealing Circle!"

The barrier's edges shine brightly. Both me and Kirisame have to shield our eyes…

"Shanoo~aaa~h…!"

Albus is loud when he wants to be.

Moments later, the circle is depleted of its previous energy.

Albus is still kneeling in the circle.

"There."

Reimu took a deep breath. "...It's done."

...Old man Kirisame shakes his head. "That kid was livid." He scratched the back of said head. "...Haven't seen someone that angry in a long time."

Right? Yo…

"...Basically, I sealed his ability to feel and operate with mana." Reimu shrugged. "...There's not many good human seals to begin with, and that's all I remembered."

Albus looked up from the floor. "...I'll find a way."

Reimu's brow rose.

"I… will find a way, Hakurei." He stood again, slowly, and unsteadily. "I'll find a way to make you regret letting me live!"

"Would you just be quiet, already?" Reimu stared at him tiredly.

He paused, then smirked. "Is the silencing spell next?"

"Quit jumping to conclusions." Reimu folded her arms. "That's what got you into this mess to begin with."

His eyes flared. "You-!"

"Quit blaming others, too. All your actions? You pulled the trigger. You did them." Reimu pressed. "Circumstance is one thing. Habits, trends, and behaviors… that's something entirely different."

"Shut the fuck up!" Albus roared.

...

"Youkai are people." Reimu announced.

Albus reeled back, and let out the best evil laugh he could muster! "Haa~h!"

... Which wasn't much!

She continued. "You don't seem to understand…" Reimu glanced at the floor. "You live in ignorance of other people's lives." She looked back up at Albus. "You've missed so much by jumping to conclusions, I could almost say you did it willfully… but I'm willing to believe otherwise."

He clutched his face. "...Miko. How many times do I have to-"

"I'll unseal you." Reimu declared.

Albus froze.

"...But. You have to do one thing before I do." Reimu held up a finger.

"...Of course." Albus gave his signature cocky smirk. Nothing intense, even. It was like the one he had while talkin' wit' his buddy Fred.

"You have to become a better person." Reimu set her terms. "...By my standards? Yes. Can you call it unfair? Yes. Go right ahead. But, those are my rules. Your life should not be my problem, and it should not be anyone else's problem. Talk with some youkai while wearing a suit of steel armor, for all I care. Stop while you're ahead."

Albus lunged forward. "Damn you!"

He fell on his face, his legs giving in.

Reimu walked up to the counter. She was sweating, and her eyes betrayed exhaustion. "...You wanna stay here, Brad, or are you coming with me?"

Hmm… After a display like that? Honestly, I wanna see what happens next! 'Sides, I don't got a lot to do here other than screw around with good ol' Kirisame over here.

"I'll hang out with you some more, yo." I answer.

Reimu moves to carry me, but I raise my hand. "I got's a way of flying, yo."

She tilts her head. "You did?... Oh, right."

Normally I'd say no, but, you want me to be legit? Reimu has totally earned my respect. It's one thing to read about her doing cool shit in fanfics, or playing the games, but being there? Buddy. It's a whole different level, lemme tell you.

Because of that, I don't want her to stress over carrying me and my poofy-ass hair. I can fly myself, thank you very much.

"...You two just gonna leave this punk in my shop?" Kirisame blinked.

"Mmm." Reimu nodded. "You have magic. Toss him out."

He rolled his eyes, and called out to us. "Tell my daughter she owes me a thousand yen!"

With that, we flew back to the Hakurei Shrine with relative ease.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

What a fucking wild ride, huh? That Albus dude, he had issues. Like, actual issues. I'm not talking funny upstairs issues or anything, I'm just talking… issues. That kind of social development that is just… inherently flawed. The kind of person who'll never see things a different way, no matter how hard you try otherwise. The kind of person who willfully demonizes others, just because they're them and we're us.

He had his reasons, I'm sure- okay, not for the whole 'killing a hundred youkai' thing, I mean Jesus Christ- but he probably really could have done things differently.

I don't have faith in him improving. I don't faith in the human village improving anytime soon. I don't have faith, that without some major improvement in the management department down there, that things are gonna get better. I don't have faith in a lot of things.

...But what I do have faith in is Reimu over hea! The gi~rl, yo!

Reimu trudged from the kotatsu, moving to her room. "I-I'm taking a nap…"

She's tired as shit, too! I'm not too much, 'cause potions.

Marisa was brewing at the kotatsu, herself. "Patchy's gonna be so~ pissed, ze…"

Fred? He was currently hanging upside-down from one of the shrine's rafters, with duct tape covering his mouth

"Mmph!"

"We were supposed to go down there today, and everything…" Marisa mumbled.

"Cheer up, friend…" I pat her on the back.

She squirms away from me. "Don't touch me."

Freakin'...! "What'd I do?"

"Everything."

Marisa, even though you said we were cool, you still give me mixed signals!

Hmm…

"So, how'd things go with Fred?" I grin.

Marisa looked up at me. "At first, I kinda didn't believe ya, so I felt like an ass when I got here. So I asked him." She nodded slowly. "...You were completely fuckin' right. What the hell..."

I stare at him as he dangles and glares at us. "He's fluffy."

"The village is startin' to get me worried." Marisa admits. "Everyone's so hateful towards magic and youkai… What even happened? Youkai've actually been pretty lax towards the village this year, 'cause of all the paranoia."

It does seem as if it's gettin' progressively worse. "Do you think Keine's related?"

"I haven't talked to her in so long. I dunno." Marisa shrugs. "Reimu was gettin' suspicious of her, so she might be."

I'm willing to bet so.

In other news… "Patchy! How badly's she need you and Reimu?"

"She threw spells at me until I ran off to get Reimu, last time…" Marisa grinned. "So uh… badly. She also says in person."

I was thinking of going there to take a memo for her, just so I could do some sidequesting while screwing around there, but I guess not!

Or, I could just go there anyway and stop by when things happen.

"I dunno if Reimu's up to goin' at all, today." Marisa scratched the back of her head. "She seemed-"

Reimu re-emerged from the kitchen, taking deep breaths.

"...Hey, Reimu." Marisa addressed her.

"Let's go."

Marisa blinked. "Wait, really?"

Reimu nods. "Mmm."

...Frowning, Marisa makes an observation. "But, you look pretty ti-"

"That shouldn't matter. We can just sleep there, if we need to." Reimu decides, moving to the shrine's door. "Let's go."

"Alright, ze."

With that, they're gone.

I like how I'm not invited, even though I tossed around the blocks, too. Though, I suppose it's not a big deal. I, uh, don't really feel like fighting any more Mimas than I really have to…!

...Fred's dangling from the rafters, still, too. It doesn't seem like Suika is here anymore, either.

Well, since they're goin' to the mansion, I think I might actually head back to the village! I love me that… homey atmosphere…

Alright, it's one of the few places I can go when it's this cold. I need frost armor! ...Wouldn't that make me colder? Armor tropes are weird…

My dress probably doesn't matter, with that exterminator badge, too.

Abandoning the sad Fred, I make my way back to the human village!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thank fluffnuggets there's a new guy here. Probably because the last one hasn't recovered from being bamboozled.

The tubby man at the gate eyes me suspiciously. "...You look a bit banged up to be a villager, buddy."

I pull out my badge of badges!

...He nods. "O~h. No wonder."

He reels the gate open. "G'n."

What? I assume he means 'go in', but… how lazy can you get? Yo.

I shrug, and walk into the village.

Inside is people and things. I wonder if Sekibanki is in an alright mood, this time around.

You know what I could really use, though? Freakin' moolah. The goods, dude. If only to buy freakin' health potions and chicken nuggets with!

I shall make the smart decision, and walk back into the guard headquarters after Albus got his ass handed to him.

Back inside, I walk up to the leftmost counter, and flash my badge.

"I am youkai stopper person man." I announce my authority!

The guy at the counter sighs. "Alright, okay. Go ahead."

Yo~!

I push open the door into the lounge room. Albus is nowhere to be found, thankfully.

George is talking to some freakin' tall girl.

"Uh-uhm, they-they haven't come back…" George stammered out.

The woman lunged forward, and pushed him into the mini bar the room had.

Bam!

"They were your responsibility!" She growls. "My ranger, my mage… where did you assign them!?"

"I-I didn't assign them an-anything! I swear!" He shielded his head. "Pl-please…"

"You liar! You good for nothing liar!" She shook him, the rage flaring from her less than pleased expression.

...She broke from him, and took a seat on one of the bar stools. "Damn it… I-I have to start over, now..."

Fluffy. I wonder if they have juice or something…

Against my better judgement, I approach the bar while trying to ignore miss angry eyes!

She watches me move through the shelves and things…

"...George, who is that?" She idly wonders.

George didn't reply.

"...George."

"I-I never got his name…"

...She let out a deep sigh. "...Right. Good. You hired him, I assume?"

"We-well, yes…" Oo~f. George's professionalism slipped, yo.

He began to stand...

The woman hung her head. "And you didn't ask him his name."

"Maybe?" George shrugged, grinning.

The woman leapt from the bar stool, landed on one leg, then kicked the man. The kick has such force, that I could like, feel it.

"Hrrm!" George lurched as he was flung over the bar counter, and into the shelves behind it. I flinched back as he loudly slammed into the shelves in front of me, and dropped to his bum.

"...Dayum, son." I grinned. "Where'd you find her?"

"Uua~oh…" George wasn't in any mood to talk, tipping over onto his side in agony.

"You. What's your name?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

Oh, god. "Daa~h, Bread. Bread… just Bread."

Not too far from my actual name, but enough that she shouldn't be able to-

She draws a long ass katana, and points it at me.

My 'nope' alarm is going right the hell off, here!

"What's. Your. Name?"

"...Brad." I smile sheepishly.

"Last name."

Hahaha, no. "I don't have one, friend."

...She nods, sheathing her katana. "Intriguing. What is your rank?"

Daa~h… "Big."

"...George just gave you the badge, didn't he?" If you wanted me to rate on a scale of one to ten just how unamused she was, my answer would be 'not enough edge, zero out of ten'.

Yo, it takes effort to produce quality unamusement! There's nothin' I can do about the ratings system!

Anyway, I nod. "Yeah, he just gave it to me after I showed him some of my badass super hero powers."

"...This isn't a game." Her expression neutral, she began lecturing me. "Youkai are the least of our worries, when the Hakurei's power lies outside the reach of the village."

That sentence should be the other way around! By the way, another one of these bastards? Damn, everyone wants a piece of Reimu!

"Give me your badge," she commands me, "or I will rip it from you."

I hold up my arms. "Now, wait just a second, here…"

She begins power walking towards me.

"I know what happened to Albus and Fred!" I blurt, retreating as she neared me ever faster.

Then, she froze.

Did I soothe he-

She grabs me by the cuff with a quick lunge.

Crap!

I'm slammed against the wall, held by the cuff of my undershirt, but mostly pressed into it by the force of her arm.

"Where are they!?"

I-I don't wanna be here anymore!

"Tell me!" She snarls.

...I reach for my sack, but she grabs my hand with her open arm.

"I'll tell you!" I yell. "Put me the fuck down!"

She lets go of me. "Begin."

I'm half debating to just tell her they died in a comedically inane way, but I feel like that'd bite me in the ass later.

"...Albus is shambling around town for some reason, and Fred… was taken captive." I sigh, as if disappointed. Hey, yo, they're not technically lies!

"What…?" Her eyes widened. "...Taken captive by who!?"

You'd have thought they'd've sent guards to deal with the shouting. That, or this is normal.

How do I half-lie about this one…?

I swallow, as if nervous. I am, but I'm actually trying to think up a lie. Hyonk.

"It-it was the fluffles." Here we go, yo.

...That look she's givin' me. She doesn't believe me at all.

C'mo~n! "No, for real. They blew down the doors, and boxed us in-"

"Where?" She glared at me.

"Arrows whizzing by like streaks of light, dude!" I stumble forward, and put a hand to my head. "I did all that I could… to-to stay and fight!"

She folds her arms.

I salute. "The Hakurei Shrine. Albus, we went with Albus to stop the Hakurei." I explain dutifully. She visibly freezes.

I continue. "We did all we could, but the fluffles-"

"That's… that's enough." The woman, now far more sedate, reaches a hand out to gesture me to stop. Then, she moves to the bar counter, and rests her head on it.

I think I should go, now. And, like, never come back. 'Cause once she finds out I'm lying… it's gonna be a freakin' game of Call of Duty in the village. Between Keine and this broad, I think I've effectively made this place inhospitable for myself again!

Gensokyo's a hard place to live! It's been like, three weeks, and I still don't have a house! Not that I'd use it, but y'know… oof.

I turn to leave, and no one stops me. On the upside, I got to keep that badge. If I ever need to dash in here quickly for shit, I can do it without bloodying the guards.

...I never got paid for that other thing with Ha-chan, either! Freakin' bunk, yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I touch down in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion's gates.

Meiling seems to be sleeping. She's sawing logs, friends…

Then… there's that fluffle stand.

"im fully charged"

No, you're not. No…!

...I walk up to Meiling. "Hey, friend. It's me."

I take out my Youkai Exterminator badge, and flash it! "The testimony… contradicts the evidence!"

Meiling opens one eye, "...Nope." and closes it again.

Well, I'm out of ideas, then!

"Yo, didn't Reimu and Marisa get in earlier?" I bring up.

"They had permission from Lady Patchouli. You don't." Meiling states with her eyes closed. "That's just how it goes."

Oh, no. "...This is about my gender, isn't it yo? I'll have you know that I identify as one twentieth of a female on Tuesdays and Saturdays!"

Meiling has no comment, but her pretend sleeping has stopped being realistic.

Alright, yo… "If I cut off my dick, would you let me in?"

She chuckles. "What's wrong with you…?"

"Many things, friend." I nod nostalgically…

She's still not moving to lemme in. Hnnngh.

"Meiling." I boldly raise my voice. "Allow me in, and I will make you the greatest queen in Fluffania!... Or else you will die!"

She lets her eyes fully open. "We~ll… It's sunset, anyway. I doubt you'd find the mistress before she wakes up."

Yo.

The gate swings open on its own.

"Don't burn anything down." She grins.

"I'll make an attempt." I wave her my gratitude, and proceed to the main lobby…

There's some fairy maids and fluffles jumping in place in one corner of the lobby, for whatever reason.

Fluffy bluffs, friends.

...Sneaking up on the group, I snag one of the fluffles and waltz away with it.

It stares at me gingerly, before giving me soft headbutts.

With my new, snuggable fluffle friend, I wander aimlessly into the halls. This time, numerous minutes of wandering do not take me anywhere important. No library, no dining hall or kitchen, no Remilia Room Place Thing. Just freakin' halls.

Where the entry halls were more densely populated a good margin of the time, these halls were just dead. Once in awhile I'd see a fairy maid, but she'd just ignore me.

Let's open some mystery doors…!

I swing open the first one on my left, and enter.

A bunch of primitive machines produce a low hum, and I spy a fairy maid with charred, frazzled clothing.

"Ebabadada!" She convulses as she sticks her hand into an open panel. I watch sparks dance over her navy blue hair, as her face betrays a naughty smile. "O-o~h, yea~h…"

Zazazap!

"Egeeghuhuh!" She flinches violently from another shock. "E~ah…"

Zazazap!

"Ehuhbadada!" I notice her arm is charred black. "Ye~s…"

Zazazap!

Freakin'... What even is this room!? The machines don't seem to even do anything!

The wires on them all go straight down into the curiously messy tiled floor. This whole room looks just old. The walls are a dull blue, too. The room seems to have two doors that lead into it along the same wall.

...The fairy maid glances at me after she flails around a bit from the electricity, and grins. "Fifty thousand volts, with your name on 'em, buddy."

Hmm. I feel like I've heard that somewhere before…

I hold up my arms. "I'd, uh, rather not, friend."

She rolls her eyes, and gets up. She walks across the room, and lifts some long, loose wires, with sparks shooting from them every time the ends met one another. Which was often, because she kept them together, for some reason.

"C'mo~n." She grinned widely, bearing her teeth far further than necessary to express amusement. "It'll only hurt for a minute."

"Yeah- no." I shake my head, backing from the room. "Who the frik are you?"

"Just call me Lightningbolt!" She runs for the door.

I slam it, and back away.

The doorknob starts glowing brightly, electricity coursing through it.

"O-oo~h! Yes, ye-habadada!"

I'm going to say that's objectively scarier than Flandre, because the fairy is at least actively homicidal all the time.

...I look down at the fluffle I'm still holding.

"googly goo" It smiles. "and how bout you"

…I make my way to the other door that leads into the room, and open it up.

Inside, I see 'Lightningbolt' with her back pressed against the other door, apparently shoving the bundle of wires into her mouth.

She's making some kind of noise. I honestly couldn't describe it- imagine deep throating combined with the unnatural zaps and crackles of wiring gone wrong.

It's a rather unholy noise, yo.

...Blushing, the fairy's eyes go completely haywire and misaligned as she deepthroats the live wires.

It's times like this I wish I had maximum electrical resistance. If I did, I could join in on the fun! At least, with my clothes on. If I took off the resistant garments, I'd be frying tonight, yo.

"Hey, friend." I call out to her.

She actually pauses, and her misaligned eyes center on me. Dayum!

"Have some nuggets."

I toss the fluffle at her.

The moment it touches her, it explodes.

Fwa~m!

A bolt actually shot from her body and just annihilated the fluffle. In response, she just sat down, letting out an echo'd moan through the wires, which was also transmitted through the electronics throughout the room.

"A-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-n-n…"

I think I'm done here. I don't wanna get cooked by a stray freakin' power bolt…

I close the room's second door.

Freakin'... here there be dragons, and all that.

Somewhat apprehensively, I proceed to an unknown door on the left side of the hallway, and open that one as well…

There's a single bed inside, and no occupants. It's yet another generic guest room, apparently.

I walk inside, and tip over the dresser.

Bam!

My work here is done.

Grinning, I leave the room, closing the door again. Fuck that dresser in particular.

Suddenly, arms wrap around my waist, sending a chill up my spine.

"I was sleeping in there, you know." A girl's voice whispers into my right ear.

Holy crap! Nope, nope, nope! Screw you!

I elbow the girl, and scramble away, freakin' terrified.

"Guh…" She clutches herself. I turn, and see it's some fairy maid with short, scarlet hair. It was even the same color as the walls.

Looking back up at me, she grins. "Missed me, didn'cha?"

Daa~h… "Who?"

She furrows her brows. "...Miyako."

"...Not ringin' any bells!" Who the frik…?

"The one who tried to flip-kick your shit, you piece of shit!" Her emerald eyes flare.

Oo~h! "Were you that cloaker girl person?" I distinctly remember flip-kicking!

She grins. "Yea~h! Chief never called me back after what you did. Unlike the others, I still remember all that cool crap she taught me, even if I never got the kickass suit back."

Cool!

"...So I'm gonna beat the kool-aid out of you." She punches her open hand with her fist. "This is the point of no return."

Oh.

She opens the door again, and quickly jumps inside. Only a second later, she comes back out with a sand-red plant hanger.

"Stand still, and I'll go easy on you!" She grins widely.

I draw Swift Brand, and backpedal! "Son, my plant hanger is engineered to be better than yours!"

Miyako giggles. "Hehehe~! Not good enough!"

Like a bullet, she charges towards me in a very compressed fashion, lowering her body to the floor for what I assume is aerodynamics, or something. As she nears me, she swerves to the side, and attempts to clothesline me with her generic hanger. I bring up Swift Brand to block-

Cla~ng!

Holy shit, that's some power! My hand hurts, now…

Her eyes widen in surprise, but she leaps back from me. "Hmph… I thought that woulda been an easy win."

I grin. "They call it a difficulty tweak, son." Yea~h! I'm better at not-dying, now!

...She grins back.

...I'm slightly nervous, admittedly.

She flails wildly at the air, but it doesn't just kick up dust. Black, swirling, transparent copies of the hanger she holds appear, and they begin to accelerate towards me gradually, turning a glowing bright red as they do so.

"Holy shit!" I move to block each one, and do so with marginal success! They're danmaku, and dissipate on hit, apparently.

Then, the next moment, she's gone. I think. Curse her scarlet maid outfit, scarlet hair, and sand-red plant hanger-...

Oo~h. That's why she's all scarlet. It's camouflage.

My eyes scan the halls. Looking to my left, I see an unnatural and misshapen shadow sliding along the wall. It grows in size, and I can eventually make out Miyako's emerald eyes and features as the dark image enlarges.

I run out of the way of it, and Miyako shoots from the wall, swinging with the sand-red plant hanger, generating more swirling danmaku plant hangers which slowly accelerate towards me. This time, I just dodge 'em.

"Jesus!" By the way, she can fucking shadow-travel through walls, or some shit!?

"Now this is what they call a difficulty tweak!" She laughs. "Remember: The safe word is 'staff brutality'!"

Dropping to the floor, she slides towards me.

Fwoosh!

I send a gust of wind from Swift Brand to deny her. She hops back to her feet, and flails wildly to make more danmaku hangers. I just begin strafing in a circular motion to avoid them, because running in circles, one might find, is surprisingly helpful!

I see her clip into the wall, and watch her shadow form run along the inside of it. Watching her, I ready to strike her when she exits…!

She leaps from the wall!

Cla~ng!

"Fuaagh!" She's launched back into the wall, but she just collides with it, sliding off it. "...Th-these fucking lights…"

She slide-kicks away from me. "You've been cheating." She accuses me.

"Friend, all is fair in love and war, and stuff." I smile. "Let me hit you."

"...No. Why would that work?" She scoffs at me. "...But, if all's fair, then you can't complain about this!"

The candles in the hall flicker out, leaving only a few lit. With things this dark, I can make out the flashes of light from under the doors of the electric room.

Miyako's also just gone. She vanished the moment the lights went out.

"Hehehehe~..."

Her laugh echoes throughout the hallway.

"Not even the chief can stop me when I'm like this…" She gloats.

I run up to one of the wall candles and, for the moment, cherish it as if it were a sun god. I look around the room feverishly, before running my eyes across the floor…

Oh, fuck, that's not my shadow!

Before I can react, Miyako lunges from where my shadow should be and grapples me.

"Now cry for the chief to change your diapers!" She grins widely. Like this, we slowly begin sinking into the floor. "Once we're inside, there'll be no~ escape!"

Oh, fuck! She's trying to banish me to the shadow realm!

I struggle, but she tightly holds me against her chest, enough for me to feel her pressing against my back.

"I'm far stronger than yo~u…" She's practically hugging me, now. Her grapple's gone from intense to something more relaxed. "Keep struggling."

I drop Swift Brand.

"Hahaha~!" She nuzzles her head into my neck, for whatever reason. "Tha~t's right. You lose."

...Fookin' bad touch over here, man! Ba~d touch!

...I reach into my sack, and draw the Youkai Inconveniencer. After that move, she moves to try to disarm me of the sack. "Hey, hey… No more of your useless tools. You won't need them, with me…"

I channel mana into the holy hanger of holiness!

"Return to darkness!" I shout! "Holy cross!"

Fwaa~sh!

In that moment, the entire hallway is light.

"Wh-whaaa~h!?" She's launched back from me. "The light… it burns!"

She lands on the floor across from me, and I twist myself to face her.

Feverishly rubbing her eyes, she stands again. "...Wh-what the fuck…"

Clumsily, she stumbles away, towards her room's door again. "...I-I'm not in the mood, anymore. Fuck you…"

Her door closes behind herself. She lets the sand-red hanger clatter to the floor outside.

Well, then! I avoided getting raped by shadows!

The only problem… is that I'm still halfway embedded in the floor. Freakin'... what the hell!?

After a moment, all the unlit candles relit again, and Sakuya stood before me.

"...Just what did you do?" She vainly stared down at me.

"I got molested by shadow people." I told her. "They left me in the floor."

"...Right." She nods. "Patchouli-sama saw you were in the manor a moment ago, and sent me to retrieve you."

Define 'a moment ago'. 'Cause I had no help with that battle. "How long ago was 'a moment ago'?"

"...About five minutes." Sakuya shrugged.

Did they just get popcorn and watch!? "...Didja see-"

"Yes, I saw my staff member viciously assault you. It was likely in good fun." She shrugged.

A- whuh- huh!? Freakin'...! "She was all like, swiggity swooty, comin' for my booty!"

Sakuya blinked. "...Mmm. Fairies are… lustful things, sometimes. It very much depends, and I know not the science behind it, myself."

Freakin' noob.

...I held out my arms. "Help."

Sakuya moved to pull me from the floor, and succeeded with relative ease. The hole I left from was an inky, purple-and-black hole that slowly shrunk as my body left it.

"...Wei~rd." I comment.

"Follow." Sakuya time-stops. I move extremely slowly because I only have the Kaguya hair on…

...She lets time resume. "...What happened to your time resistance, again?"

"Only when I wear Kaguya's clothes, yo." I shrug. "Armor resistances."

Sakuya shakes her head. "I'm not sure how that works."

...Me neither!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallways always go easy-modo on Sakuya. Probably because it'd just be redundant to stop her, otherwise.

I arrive at the library, following behind the maid of all maids!

...I mean, I would follow her behind, but the skirt is unfortunately too poofy for me to get a good look at anything. Freakin' poofs.

We're also at one of Patchy's studies. The crystal ball that projected my happenings sat on the desk.

"I thought that fairy almost had you, there." Patchouli shrugged. "We would have had to send Sakuya in with a wire to fish you out."

...How would that work?

I glance at Reimu and Marisa, who were still here, as well. Reimu had her arms folded. "I'm not sure how to feel about mansion staff harassing visitors…"

"...When do we get visitors?" Sakuya grinned vainly.

Marisa smirked. "She's got a point, Reimu."

"...Also, Brad's staring at your butt." Patchouli idly adds while she looks back down at her book.

...Sakuya turns to me with an unblinking stare.

I smile and shrug.

Then, her hand is in front of my face. Between every finger is a knife.

/ / To Be Continued - -

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 37

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

can you picture fluffles dancing in place to the "To Be Continued" music of jojo's bizarre adventure? it's freakin' fluffy

in other news, hello update limit!

this chapter was good fun to write; can you guess who that purple haired vixen in the guard HQ is? btw castlevania fans, it's NOT shanoa, and is indeed someone from touhou, so lolnoep and all that

decided to show the former payday parody fairies some love and let them actually get fleshed out a bit! good ol hotaru, diddlying herself with electric wires and all that

miyako is fun; ganpeki you've seen, and there's… not really anyone else

i resist the urge to write porn by actually writing it but storing it in a galaxy far far away, a galaxy called the CRINGE BIN (you heard me right, this story is actually NOT the cringiest thing i've wrote!)

that human village, yo… ho ho ho

y'know restricting your character to 'pathetically weak' but still making them as AUDACIOUS AS SOMEONE OF POWER really opens a lot of doors in the realm of fairy characterization

expendable, respawning friends are the best friends, honestly

the only issue is that SOME OF 'EM ARE GOSSIPS

...please give the feedbacks, it helps!

as always, thank you all for reading, and see you all next time!

(btw if you dunno yet, i have a crappy website up!)

(btw, if you like Earthbound and Touhou, and like fanfics, i have a thing like that in my stories! it is called GENSOKYOBOUND and it is fluffy)

alright shameless self-advertising over, see you all next time for reals!